Women actually

Paper-pregnant

2015-11-15T21:17:00.001+02:00

I am adopting a child. I received the official letter a few months ago that I am on the waiting list for a child and it might now be a matter of weeks until my daughter arrives. I am officially paper-pregnant soon to become a single mom. I am trying to prepare myself but from now on I might receive a call any day and within 3-5 days I will fetch my child.

Being paper-pregnant I realised that going through a real pregnancy does not only offer the opportunity to prepare for 9 months, it is also nature’s way of giving the new mom a clear sign – your life will change forever. You stop drinking alcohol, reduce your caffeine intake, you are more tired than ever, and your body changes significantly. You just can’t do the same things you were able to do before you fell pregnant (at least in the last 4-5 months of the pregnancy). Your life changes during a period of 9 months after which your life will once again significantly change.

Many women will think it is an advantage not to have to go through those changes when adopting a child; It might have its advantages but I do believe it has its disadvantages too. Adopting a child is a much more rational process. The whole adoption process requires not only a mountain of administrative procedures but also many decisions about your child’s health, background and features. You also don’t build a bond with something that is growing in your body but rather constantly try to imagine how it will be when you hold the child for the first time in your arms. How many times will I look at her and wonder if she is mine? How long will it take until I will feel that I am her mother? Someone said to me yesterday; it is probably how men feel becoming fathers.

Another difference being paper-pregnant is that you can make the choice any day to ‘switch it off’ to withdraw your application. When you are pregnant, you come to accept that a child will come at some point. You might have your doubts, but it becomes a fait accompli. When I have doubts, I find myself thinking to pick up the phone and just withdraw. Of course I won’t do it because I prepared for it for a long time and thought about it carefully, but there is the option, unlike in a real pregnancy, you can ‘cancel’ you subscription any day.

Besides being paper-pregnant, what I find much more mindboggling is becoming a single mom. I had given it a lot of thoughts before I even started the process. I don’t have too much doubt about my ability to ‘organise’ my new life. Luckily, planning and organising is one of my greatest talents. I am more concerned about the emotional shifts and changes. I have lived my life on my own for the past more or less 17 years. It is a little bit when people in their late 30s enter into a relationship. The issues that emerge are often about compromise and letting someone into your independent life. Am I ready to let someone permanently into my life? Someone that is 100% dependent on me and that will need 24/7 attention and care?

Don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to becoming a mom. There are many moments when I imagine holding my daughter in my arms and rocking her to sleep; admiring her and just looking at her.

Becoming a parent is very scary and having to go through everything in the mind and imagination, doesn’t make it easier. In contrast to actually being pregnant people cannot see it and look out for you. Being paper-pregnant means – it is all happening in your head.

I am not writing this because I am looking for sympathy but I thought sharing this would be interesting as many people have asked me about the adoption.

I have got no plans

2015-09-25T13:53:00.001+02:00

This blog entry might come as a big surprise for people that know me well. I am famous for my planning and organising skills, so much so that a friend of mine once wrote a hip-hop song about me and my planning skills.

Despite this, I would like to share about the beauty of not having a plan. I am off work for a few days and many people asked what my plans were. When I responded that I don’t have any, besides waking up without an alarm clock, many were surprised. And it is even a surprise to me. In the lead up to this time off a little voice in my head was telling me “You have five days off work and you are not doing anything; you are not going away or planning any activities. You are not using your time off efficiently.”

Modern life demands us not only to be constantly up to date with what is happening but also to be always busy. Not having a plan is a luxury. We have our ‘to do lists’ that can fill our days up with errands and the social pressure demands from us to be able to tell people about and share on social media all the things we are going to do and have been doing. Not having to do anything is for free and yet, I think, one of the most luxurious and precious things to have – actual FREE time. Another important fact is that society seems to promote that we have to maximise our time and fill our schedules to make sure we experience life to the fullest. Yet, are we not most satisfied after an unplanned, spontaneous nights out or an extended unplanned coffee date with a friend?

Time without plans doesn’t mean to sit at home and do nothing, but to rather do things that you feel like doing in this moment – even if it means to just sit on the couch and do nothing. It allows for spontaneity and living in the moment, silencing the little voice ‘I still have to do XYZ…’ for a few hours.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not promoting a society where no one commits; to wait until the last minute to confirm/decline an invitation to see if something better comes up etc. That would be the other extreme. I still have a fairly organised life and ‘plan’ my time. However, I started to factor time in without any plans. I know it is a little more challenging when you have kids, but I am convinced children feed of the relaxation and enjoyment of their parents. Not always having an entertainment programme lined up also teaches the kids an important lesson about being in the moment and focusing on what you are doing.

So what are you doing next Saturday? – I hope your answer will be ‘I have no plans’.

What’s up with WhatsApp?

2015-08-15T16:57:00.000+02:00

WhatsApp is my primary tool for communication. In contrast to SMS, I can see when my contacts have been online and if they have read my messages. The latter is not always 100% certain because on some phones you can ‘read’ parts of your WhatsApp messages on the dashboard instead of opening WhatsApp. So if it shows ‘unread’ the person might not have seen it or might have read it but chose to keep it showing as ‘unread’. If you see that someone was online on WhatsApp, you can assume that the person has seen the new messages in their inbox but has not opened them. Ok, so why all this detail about WhatsApp messages?

So what happens when someone sends me a WhatsApp message and I do not reply? Normally, I am busy and I am not able to respond immediately. Sometimes I don’t answer because I don’t want to talk to the person or I actually don’t know what to say. At times, I want to respond later and think about the response before typing an answer. I then honestly often forget about it.

When I send a message and don’t get a reply, I first check out when the person was last online, if it was after I sent the message, I start wondering why. Knowing the person's day-to-day life and chat habits help to gauge whether the person has not seen it or is just not responding. It then reaches the point when I start speculating and make assumptions about the other person. I still try to be easy-going and to make up excuses why I haven’t received a response. After another while, I get impatient, and a nagging feeling is settling in that the person is avoiding me deliberately. Good etiquette, however, requires not to show that I am irritated and not to ask or bother the other person further.

Chat apps like WhatsApp put pressure on us to say something immediately, and the sender feels almost entitled to an instant gratification of a response. So, is it bad to choose when, how and if to respond to a message? Is there an acceptable time lapse when it is still ok not to reply or is it rude not to do it at all?

I sometimes get upset about non-responses and make assumptions in my head. However, I think it’s time to be self-critical here. I believe it’s time to give our friends and acquaintances the right back not to answer or to do it within their own timeframe, without attaching any negative feelings or assumptions to it.

Secondly, I think as much as we make choices about our chat behaviour, we should have the grace to allow others their chat-response behaviour.

Yes, of course, any person in dire need or distress would love an immediate answer, but even then the person on the other side might be in a non-conducive environment to reply. And if it is a matter of life and death? I would suggest don’t use WhatsApp but pick up the phone.

So maybe this post is more a letter to myself but I hope some of you can identify with this….

Five things I discovered on my sabbatical

2015-07-12T16:56:00.000+02:00

My workplace afforded me the opportunity to take six weeks of a sabbatical as a thank you for five years of service. The break was a wonderful experience and I appreciated the opportunity. I travelled a bit (see my previous post). I took the time just to be, to socialise with people and to write. It was great. The time is over and I would like to share five lessons I am taking away from this period:

The power of a smile: Smiling is such a powerful tool, not only for your well-being but everyone around you. I want to continue smiling as much as I can. When you smile, you can turn your seemingly grey surroundings into a colourful painting with people smiling back at you.
Being at peace with myself – just be: Being comfortable to be alone and enjoying it; being happy with who and where I am. It feels like carrying sunshine inside yourself. I have discovered a method for myself to put me into this mind-set. The first step is to find a spot to sit quietly if possible in the sun. Then, I try and be grateful spending at least five minutes thinking about all the things I am thankful for. After that, I think back to a situation when I was happy and laughed. I do that filled with thankfulness that I was able to live that moment. And lastly, I reflect on compliments I received recently. These small steps help me to be at peace.
Hosting people: I organised a few dinners at my place mostly with one or very few people. It was wonderful and I thoroughly enjoyed having people at my house. It reminded me of my mom’s house where people were always welcome. In my daily life over the past years I often got sucked into the attitude of feeling stressed and thinking that having people over is too much work. It is not. The pleasure of having people over outweighs the little bit of work (also see point 4).
Working hard and being disciplined: It seems odd to add this to a list after six weeks of a break. It is also odd because nowadays most self-help advice is about relaxing and switching off. I, of course, did not work during my sabbatical but I did do quite a lot of manual labour during this period. To be honest, I had become quite lazy and rather used services available to do chores like cleaning, maintenance and ironing. Getting things done yourself brings satisfaction. I am not only highly motivated to go back to my official job but to also start doing some freelance work and to continue doing more work myself – all with a smile. I don’t want to become a workaholic or overdo things but I realised I have time at hand, much more than most people. I appreciate and treasure this luxury but I want to live a bit by the slogan ‘work is love made visible’.
Writing and reading – improving a skill: Since I was a teenager, I liked writing mostly for pleasure, processing of difficult life events and sharing. But I also always had to write a lot for my studies or work. Moving to another country and switching language made writing more difficult and I became insecure about writing (besides writing for pleasure like on this blog). The interesting experience of the past weeks was to a) just write and b) spend time exploring my writing. I left my fear and insecurities behind and just wrote. I silenced the limiting voice in my head that would normally tell me that my English is not good enough and that I don’t have the vocabulary neither skill to write. In addition, I worked with a writing coach/editor to help me understand my writing and learn a few aids about how to analyse and edit my text after I have written it. It is of course just the beginning of a journey but I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was about immersing myself into doing something with dedication and discipline. It was great to have the extra time to focus and without this long break, I would have probably never gotten to do it.

Travelling solo

2015-06-26T22:06:00.002+02:00

I just returned from a holiday travelling solo. It was an awesome experience to travel on my own without a partner or friends. Besides discovering more of the beauty of the African continent, embarking on this trip alone was a great adventure.

For the larger part of my trip, I had booked a tour on an overland truck joining a group of 17 people aged 18 to 77. I knew no one in the group. It was a little scary at first. The rest of the time I spent on my own. The trip exceeded my expectation in every possible way.

The best thing on this trip was to just be me. No one knows you, how you 'normally' are, knows your preferences, baggage, history or moods. They know absolutely nothing about you and have to take you at face value. Every human encounter is new. I entered this trip leaving my insecurities and fears at home living every day to the fullest. It had an exhilarating effect to see how people perceived me and how easily they opened up. I rediscovered things about myself, my strength, my inner beauty and calmness. I had time and space to listen to my thoughts. There were no expectations. I could decide every moment what I wanted to do and what not. I did not have to please anyone, neither did I have to worry.

The power of a smile and laughter was another rediscovery for me. Smiling does not only make yourself happy, but it has an amazing effect on your environment. I had the privilege to wake up with a smile and go to bed with one on my face.

The time without the group was also interesting. There were moments when I wished I could have shared some thoughts, observations or chatted with someone. I have to admit that there was a little bit of chatting and social media interaction during those moments. But nevertheless, the time alone allowed my mind to become still. It was almost as if my mind was lying in a hammock and after swinging forth and back in silence for hours/days, it became calm and relaxed. New impressions would come and go, but my mind was just quiet. It was very different from my day to day life when 100 thoughts wonder through my head at the same time, when I have to care, think, plan, function and remember.

It was an experience - nothing one can have all the time. Meeting new people and spending ten days of vacation together offers the opportunity to only see the good and fun side of people. There is no need for depth, pain, hurt and the day-to-day struggles we face. All interactions are by choice. I do think it is a healing experience to float in this bubble of happiness and joy for a short while. I am taking a lot with from the past weeks. I will try and spend more time listening to myself and allowing myself just to be; to meet new people with an open mind; to smile more and to truly trust in the power that lies within me.

I'm deeply thankful for this experience.

I'm walking on the beach

alone
surrounded by the sound of the ocean
only my footsteps in the sand
peaceful beauty
rejuvenating the soul
perfection of nature
quiet

psssssst

(2009, poem written after my last trip on the continent)

Africa – Afrique
Dressed beautifully in bright, natural colours
Diamonds and gold are your earthly jewellery;
Your people are your wealth.
Pearls and oyster shells of the sea are woven into your colourful dress.

Africa – Afrique
Your body shaped like a gazelle - strength of a lion - endurance of an elephant and speed of an eagle. Your skin shimmers in multiple tans. Your nature unifies serenity and wildness - cat and lioness.

Africa – Afrique
is your most common name but in hundreds of languages they sing your praises and lullabies. Wisdom is your birth name.

Africa – Afrique
When I look into your eyes - tears slide down your bronzed cheeks.
Your body scared – divided – cut in pieces.
Your open mouth a silent scream
Red marks – blood, rape, death all over you.

Africa – Afrique - rise - Africa – Afrique

Time off

2015-06-04T16:21:00.000+02:00

I have been granted a six-week sabbatical off from work. It is a strange feeling to have all this time ahead of me. I hope this break will be refreshing and an opportunity to switch off.

Fully disconnecting from work amplifies the role of work in one’s life. In any social setting, people make admiring comments about people that don’t have to work or that can take a break such as this one. I do of course agree that it is a great privilege to be able to take this time off. However, having this time off, it becomes clear that work fulfils a greater purpose in one's life than we would normally acknowledge in our day-to-day conversations. It gives structure and offers purpose. A job offers a space that makes you feel needed and wanted. Working also offers the opportunity to ‘give back’. Even though not every type of work is about a good cause but generally, one gives something of oneself at work. We normally try to ‘give our best’ and whatever our jobs may be, giving the best, means we are giving something. As much as a short break is always welcome, a longer break might cause the worry about one's purpose at the workplace. I do think it is a sobering exercise for me. At the workplace, every person is replaceable, and the world will not stop turning if I am not there. I think it is a key exercise for any professional to cut off 100% from work from time to time. It brings perspective.

Another interesting observation for me during the first few days is about time itself. I have all this time ahead of me, yet I am worried I will not have enough time. Enough time to relax and enough time to do all the things that I planned to do. Instead of just immersing myself into this beautiful time and taking every day as it comes, I worry. I want to exercise, read, write, research, meet people, get all my admin stuff out of the way and, of course, just relax and do nothing. The fear to not maximise the time I have off, takes away some of the beauty of just having time. However, now on day four, I am already easing into my time off.

I encourage anyone who has time off to ponder the following:

Press the reset button
Interrogate what is important in life
Check-in with your priorities
What are these things you ‘always wanted to do’ but never got around to?
What do you want to change in your day-to-day life?
Who are the special people in your life and how have you been relating to them lately?

My lazy Sunday

2015-05-17T17:00:00.002+02:00

sipping a large Latte

starting A new book

Zero work

connecting with familY

enjoying the Sunshine

Unwinding

reading the Newspaper

Delightful music

Awesome church service

chilling on my balconY

Breakup

2015-05-03T15:41:00.000+02:00

The end of any relationship is painful. It means literally to break every little thing in your life up into pieces and reassemble it again but without the significant other in the picture. It is almost like a colourful mosaic of which you are asked to take out one specific colour. It means the picture looks dull, broken, not the same. You have to rip out each and every piece that is linked to the present and future. You need to decide how many of the pieces of the past you want to keep in. Most likely it is only the beautiful memories that you want to keep - but maybe not even that. Every time you have to look at those memories the realisation that it is over will hurt and you will ask yourself why was it so beautiful and what happened that it is not anymore? Do you maybe need to cover up the parts of the mosaic that portrays the beautiful memories?

For a real breakup to take effect, there needs to be distance – no contact. For the first time in a long time, I will not be able to share my pain and hurt with the one person that was my companion, friend and partner. Both of us have different versions of the same story, our relationship story, to tell and if we have to listen to each other’s stories, it will hurt. Our perceptions and memories are different. At this point, our stories will differ and it is not anymore about understanding the other, compromising, listening. It is about healing. We need to both heal but separately. Once you break up it is because you have reached the point of no return. It is the point when you have tried, you have talked, you have hurt. When you break up it is not just about the other, it is about you. It is the day when you wake up and look into the mirror. A mirror you have not looked into for a long time. You see yourself clear and real. You see your flaws, and you acknowledge who you really are. What are the things that you have covered up with the sweet blanket of love and relationship? What are the things that your relationship did not want you to see and acknowledge?

I always say that once you loved a person and you have given a piece of your heart you will never be able to 100% unlove the person. Yes, you can replace it with hate, you can try block it out, but ultimately, the person has taken a piece of you and you have given up a piece. This means you have to transform the love for this individual into a different type of love. Transforming your love is tough. It means you have to reduce your love and emotions to something different, something much smaller and less prominent.

So why is a break up so tough? It is because you have to deal with loss, hurt, transforming your love, your mistakes, your flaws and you have to keep on walking into a ‘new’ future. Quite a lot for one person...

Change is as good as a holiday

2015-04-12T20:46:00.000+02:00

The only certainty in life is that there will be change. As much as we know that change is eminent, it is the one thing we dread the most. Most of us like our routines and once we have found a life pattern, we struggle if change comes along. We also often prolong change that is visible on the horizon. We try to avoid and deny it.

A lot has changed in my life in a very short period of time and has reminded me of the sentence ‘change is as good as a holiday’. It is very cliché, but I have to admit it is true. Big and small changes are the ones that generate new energy and challenge our routines. If it is a move, a breakup or any other life-changing event –we rethink our lives. We will interrogate what we do and how we do things. We break routines. It is literally like going on holiday to see new, unexplored terrain. The difference is, from a holiday you come home to the known. When change happens, there is no return. So it is like a holiday without a return ticket, and if we think of it like that, it will make us feel uncomfortable. Who is going on a holiday without return? We would not even call it a holiday….

I actually don't like change but because I have experienced the rejuvenating nature of change I still push for it. When change surprises me, I am first upset. It takes me days to get over it. Then the moment of realisation happens, and I start to grasp the opportunity that this change brings. I have this deeply entrenched trust that things will be ok and that things will reveal themselves as good. It might sound superficial or even insensitive to hurtful events and pain. I know that some change comes with very deep hurt. It comes with overwhelming pain. There is change that makes us angry or sad. It is a battle – a battle of acceptance. Once we have gone through the battle, we emerge as new people.

I would like to encourage me and you to embrace change.

Bend over backwards

2015-03-22T16:54:00.001+02:00

When we don’t listen to our intuition, we abandon our souls. And we abandon our souls because we are afraid if we don’t, others will abandon us. We’ve been raised to question what we know, to discount and discredit the authority of our gut. - Terry Tempest Williams in ‘When women were birds’

The other night a friend of mine compared women to the silver metal wire that seals champagne bottles. He held the silver wire in his hand, bent it and said that women in relationships are like that, they bend and bend until they take on a totally different form, but they don’t break. It is so true. Women are so quick to abandon who they are in favour of a relationship. I have done it, and I have seen it across the board by different type of women. A few years back I wrote a blog entry titled Women = Chameleons in relationships, where I argued that women change significantly in relationships. Now many years later, I am still not sure why we do it.

I think Terry’s quote has some truth in it. We are afraid of being abandoned. I don’t think it is only about the physical abandonment of the other person. It is also about the abandoning our own belief in love. We are convinced that our love is meant to nurture, save and protect and we have to do everything possible to ensure that we don’t abandon these principals. Our strength to bend to the most extreme hurts us, it leaves scars and deforms our souls. Yet, we chose to bend. The bending happens subtly and slowly. We are often not aware as it is a fluid process. Most times, our partners do not expect or want us to bend. It is us who bend and adjust. We are the ones that shape and form, we make things fit, we make ourselves fit. In the process of bending and moulding, women lose sight of who they are and become a deformed individual. One day we wake up and realise that we have become someone else, someone we don’t know and we don’t like. And that is then often also the person that the partner does not like anymore.

We often realise the deformation very late and when we notice we either fall into denial, get angry or sad. The angry part can be really ugly because we start lashing out and blame the world around us for the status quo. Denial, of course, is even worse because it ensures that we remain in this deformed position for a while longer. Luckily women are quite resilient creatures. We can recover and find our form again. And we do. However, my goal – stop bending over backwards but rather nurture and encourage your original shape and trust that it is beautiful enough to be loved as it is.

Perceptions

2015-03-18T22:10:00.004+02:00

“We don’t see things as they are. We see them as we are.” Anaïs Nin

As human beings, our decisions and perspectives of the world are informed by our experiences. Often, we make statements about things and events not realising that it is all about our perceptions. A colleague of mine hosted a seminar on perceptions and shared his experience as a conflict resolution practitioner about the role and influence of perceptions. He took us on a fascinating journey showing that in almost every instant of life we look at something and agree on what it is through our own filters – it is our perception. If we do not have the opportunity to gather further information, we will store it as our perception. The whole advertising industry is built on this notion of perception. If we see a certain colour and packaging, our minds associate a product with it, a perception that it is either a brand of quality or an item that offers attributes of quality.

So perceptions help us to filter the huge amount of information we are exposed to and to package it into smaller bite size pieces. The challenge though is, if we leave it at the stage of perceptions and do not seek more clarity, we create assumptions in our minds, which can ultimately result in stereotypes. This is, of course, most important when it comes to interpersonal relations. Getting clarity on the ‘she didn’t greet me this morning, so there is something wrong’ or ‘the tone of the email suggest that….’ So without the clarifying our perceptions we leave a lot of room to wonder. We will store the perception as a fact. Next time when we see the person or a similar situation arises, we already ‘know’ what it is all about. We start predicting behaviour and making assumptions. This is typical for very close relationships like marriage or partnerships ‘I know already what she is going to say…’ or ‘I know exactly what he is thinking and not saying….’ but also for work relationships.

The reverse would mean to seek clarity; to interrogate. This, of course, is hard work and as human beings we rather gravitate towards the easier option, to build upon what we already know. The challenge, if we don’t seek clarity, is, these perceptions stay real. Perceptions are real for the holder of the thought and so if we do not clarify, the perception remains. This laziness of mind, however, allows us to build an environment of false certainty around us. It is a ‘world’ that is fully confirmed in our minds. It is safe, limited and we know what it is all about. This false certainty is the biggest hindrance to progress and growth. One will not grow beyond the own perceptions, not open up to new options and possibilities.

There were many more points my colleague mentioned about type of perceptions and origin of perceptions. I would not do him justice to repeat it in a blog entry. However, the point of limiting one’s own growth by living in a world full of self-confirmed perceptions really fascinated me. How often have I limited myself to something new because I ‘already knew’? How many times did I preempt the behaviour of another person?

Freedom of speech – anything goes

2015-03-04T11:30:00.000+02:00

Social media and the internet have become the platforms for engagement and exchange about every moment of our lives. We share on these platforms especially moments linked to our emotions - joy, happiness, sadness, rage, anger. Social media and chat programmes like Whatsapp, Twitter and Facebook are the main communication channels. It is quick and easy. If we do not communicate, we can just ‘like’, ‘retweet’ or use any emoticons to comment on the original post.

I am not judging any of it and I see a lot of beauty and positive in the growing online communities around the world. However, I disagree with the fact that we leave our humanity behind when we go online and just say whatever comes to mind. Do we actually think before we press ‘send’, ‘tweet’, ‘post’ if we would say the same thing to a person’s face? Do we have the same amount of courage to speak up facing the person we are talking about? It is an everything ‘goes’ mentality which takes on scary forms at times. There are no rules and in most cases, rude, harsh, racist, sexist posts will get some form of attention - a ‘like’ or ‘dislike’ , a 'retweet' or a comment. Especially when comments are made about others or groups of people we often take our freedom of speech to another level. When we make comments we do not speak about one particular person but rather ‘those people’ and ‘them’, which seem to make it even more ok to ‘dehumanise’ them (and you can exchange the word ‘them’ with any group that comes to mind – foreigners, black or white people, women, natives, men really any group you can think of). So we don’t really care about the ‘other’ that we might harm or mention in our post. We are making a general comment. It is actually more about us then the other person.

It is an interesting fact that real connections with others takes place through authentic communication. Studies show more than 85% of our communication to connect with others is based on nonverbal body language. Are we loosing the ability to empathise with each other and to actually think about what our comments might trigger in the other person?

I also wonder if it has not a lot to with the fact that whatever is said has a sizeable audience. Most of the times you will get a reaction of some sort. Our audience on these platforms is on average much bigger than your average circle of friends around a dinner table.

Do not get me wrong, I am of course a strong believer in freedom of speech and the right to express ones opinions and thoughts. I am questioning, if it is ok that it is done in any way and any tone that we think at that particular moment is right. I am also interrogating the fact that much of ‘freedom of speech’ is done through anonymous online channels without direct interface and interaction. It is so much easier to type an opinion and press ‘send’ than to actually articulate your thoughts while looking someone else in the eye. It is so much easier to talk about the other than to actually talk to the other.

Hope this will be some food for thought…

Time

2012-09-08T18:04:00.001+02:00

The book 'Time: A User's Guide' by Stefan Klein explores something very ordinary, it talks about TIME. I never thought that there is so much to be said about time to fill a whole book.

"Our modern lives are ruled by minutes and hours. We race from one thing to the next, all of us believing on some level that a mysterious cosmic force called 'time' is ticking on. And it's always short in supply."

Even though time has been set in certain parameters by clocks and calendars, it remains something subjective and experiential. We know the feeling of time flying by or when it seems to be crawling like a snail. We use the word time a 100times a day when we say 'I'm running out of time', 'I am in a rush, I don't have time', 'finally time to relax', 'lunch time', 'time to talk', 'take your time', 'bedtime', ...

The book offers theories and facts from different disciplines including brain physiology, social psychology, philosophy, history and Einsteinian physics.

I was fascinated by the fact that time is something so self-evident in our lives, but that in fact there is so much more to it. For example the fact that we all have an inner clock which, even if we lock ourselves up in a dark space without any reference to time, still functions almost to the minute determining day and night.

A change in perspective was spared by the fact that many of us treat time as this magic force which is ticking on without us having control over it. The truth is - we are in control of our time. We are actually not running out of time, but in fact we are mostly not using or applying our time wisely. We are the ones that can set our own priorities and divide time in a way that is suitable. Even though we are the generation with more leisure time at hand than any generation before us. However, we are more stressed and feel less in control of our time. The reality is that our choices to spend our leisure time have quadrupled - which is actually the real factor that stresses us out. There are constantly all these options what we should and could be doing. Just think back to the time before cellphones, before the Internet, before satellite/cable TV - much fewer things to consider. I am certainly not promoting a world without these inventions but this entry should just be a short reminder when we get stressed out that we have the power to prioritise and to choose.

Enjoy your time!

De-clutter

2012-08-06T21:36:00.002+02:00

I recently returned from a 3-week vacation and the first thing I did was de-clutter my wardrobe. I actually took each and every clothing item and decided to either keep it or throw/give it away. It seemed easier after having disconnected and have been living out of a suitcase for three weeks. When I came home I realised that my wardrobe was full even though I felt I had carried a lot of clothes around with me. It is a shocking realisation - the clothes I packed for three weeks are only a fraction of the amount of clothes I have collected over the years.

The decision making process about each and every item is a hard mental exercise. The discipline to truly look at each item and make a decision instead of creating a new stack of 'whatever-clothes' is hard work. It is almost like pacifying the little angle and devil on your shoulders each time you hold a clothing item in your hand.

You cannot imagine how relieved and proud I was when it was over. When I was done with my clothes I took on to clean up all my paperwork. What a relief. The physical de-cluttering helped me to 'dust' and 'wipe' some memory and make space for new things and allowed room for new perspectives. It is amazing how the physical and mental exercise work hand in hand.

If you also in the de-cluttering mood, here some tips:

When you start, do it from a good emotional space. You will actually enjoy it if you don't see it as a burdensome task of 'cleaning up' or 'sorting out'.
Be honest to yourself. Don't start lying to yourself why to keep certain things. If you can't let go, keep it and try again next time. If you get tired and not good in taking decisions anymore, take a break.
You don't have to do it all in one day, but make sure you have enough time the next few days to get through the full space you want to de-clutter - if not, this space will become the best procrastination trap you set for yourself.
Set yourself some ground rules before you start. For example, if you de-cluttering your clothes you could say 'I will throw out everything that I haven't worn for more than a year' or 'I will give away everything that I actually don't like but just keep in case it could come in handy' or 'every item that is older than 8 years can move on to a new owner' etc. The rules help when you have doubt about something but you will also be surprised how many times you will be trying to cheat your own rules.
If you are de-cluttering your paperwork and memories, keep just one of its kinds. For example, if there was an annual festival in your hometown and you have kept the entrance slips for each and every year, choose one and throw the others away. The memories will remain the same.
Think of other people that will benefit of your things. It will give you a feeling of satisfaction and make it easier to decide to give it away. You are not throwing it away but someone else might enjoy it and actually use it.
Be disciplined - do not create an extra stack or bag or box with things you 'not sure' about. Most of the times you can just throw the things away. Force yourself to find a new place or category for the item you not sure about.
Life is about the people you meet, the moments of joy and pain you share - not the things you collect. It will make you feel good to get rid of material things and be reminded of exactly that.

If you want some useful reading, get the book 'How to simplify your life.' After I had read it for the first time, I was able to throw two black bags full of stuff away.

Tell me about your 'de-cluttering' experience.

CHILDREN

2012-06-03T12:50:00.004+02:00

Spending time with children is one of the advices given to de-stress and to live a healthy balanced life. I think it is beautiful and I can just affirm the advice.

I have discovered the following lessons, when spending time with kids:

Being present: Children mainly live in the present. They are not worried too much about tomorrow or even the next moment. You will hardly ever hear a child say 'I was just worrying about how the next week will turn out at the kindergarden'

Adventurous and courageous: Children have a lot of courage. Specially very small children explore their world without fear. Everything around them is an adventure. They don't really think about the consequences of their behaviour (their parents do that for them ;-) ) which enables them to experience so much more every day.

Embracing the world around me as special and full of miracles: Touching green grass, watching ants crawl and observing water drops running down the window like pearls are the little miracles that children encounter every day. The little things that are normal for us, are like world wonders to them. I love it to be reminded that the world around me is full of miracles.

Demanding from the people we love the care we need: Children are also selfish creatures, but mainly because they have a need. A child will tell you loudly when it needs something, if its food, clothes or if somethings hurts. If they need a hug they will run to their mother and if they don't want to be hugged, they will say so.

Spending time doing things we don't want to do: How much time do we spend doing things we don't want to do? How often do we hang out politely at some social gathering that we don't want to be at. Children will hardly do anything they don't want to do. As I said before, they are selfish creatures but also super honest.

Strong willed: Did you ever try to make a child eat something it doesn't want to eat? Good luck. They are strong willed and will push to get what they want (even maybe sometimes with not so commonly acceptable measure).

Laugh loudly and show happiness: The laughter of my little niece and the squeaking sounds she makes when she enjoys somethings are the most beautiful moments when skyping with her. There is no shame or holding back in showing that she is happy and fully enjoying the moment.

Wishing you a childlike week!!!

The only measure of success is how well we cope with disappointment

2012-05-22T22:30:00.000+02:00

The title of this blog entry is based on the film 'The best exotic Marigold Hotel' which I mentioned at the end of my last blog entry. Our success in life is usually measured against material things like income, house(s) and cars or against achievements in our careers.

This phrase, in contrast, indicates, that those things do not matter. How satisfied and happy will my life be if I never own a house or a big car? How can I still go to work with a smile every day if I am not nominated for the hoped promotion?

Besides those more materialistic success, this sentence challenges us to find success by finding coping mechanisms when life hits hard.

What if a very close friend of yours will not make it to your wedding? What if you realise after 30 years of marriage that it has not been working for the past 15, it will not be working anymore and your dream of 'happy ever after' crushes right in front of you?

What if your best friend betrays you or you discover your child is stealing from you? What if you find out that your life savings are gone due to a wrong investment or that your health will not allow you to ever go on the overseas trip you have been dreaming about your whole life?

Tough questions, no easy answers. However, the sentence challenges us to accept that real success is not about the things that go right and the things we do well. It is actually about all the failures, mistakes and tragedies in life. The tools and ways we find to cope with those and overcome those are the true success stories of our lives.

Let faith not fear guide your actions

2012-05-14T20:10:00.003+02:00

Fear is such a dominant factor in our daily lives and I would argue that many of our decisions are based on our anxieties.

There are big fears such as loosing a loved one or being retrenched but there are even more smaller fears that determine our days. There is the fear of not looking good, gaining weight; the fear of being judged by colleagues and neighbours; the fear of not being a good mother, sister, wife, or daughter; the fear to get old and to be lonely; the fear to fail, the fear of not being able to relax and the fear of not being a good friend.....

I think we all could continue this list endlessly.The sentence 'let faith not fear guide your actions' sounds like something that could hence be relevant for many of us.

Some of you that do not practice any religion might ask the question - faith in what? Let faith not fear guide your actions is not only something for the religious but actually encourages to be more trusting in life. A simple metaphor is the trust that the sun will rise again. Trust that things will be ok (again) and that you will be the best you can by just being you. Being ruled by fear takes away our ability to enjoy life and to take decisions that we are happy with.

I do acknowledge that it is not an easy task to overcome fears. However, if you look at it from the perspective that life proofs day in and day out that things will be 'ok' - maybe sometimes in ways we don't appreciate it at first or don't want to see - but pain and disaster is never endless. Fears do not help to improve any situation either but add additional pressure and result in bad decision making patterns. Fear does not take away the unpredictability of life. Faith instead assist in a positive outlook on things. It frees up your mind and allows an optimistic-realistic perspective.

Having watched the movie 'The best exotic Marigold Hotel' provided me with a great closing sentence for this blog entry. Judi Dench, in the role of a pensioner in India, said towards the end 'the only real failure in life is the failure to try'. So don't let fear make you surrender to the 'only real failure' but let faith make you rather 'try' and experience what you think is right.

I would like to dedicate this and the past entry to a very dear friend of mine who inspired me and continues to do so in many areas of my life.

Progress not perfection

2012-05-06T15:18:00.001+02:00

One of my friends recently shared the expression 'progress not perfection' with me.

I am someone who has her goals set and aims to reach them as soon and best as I can. In some instances that process works great but in many instances it can become demotivating if the goal is not immediately achievable and seems still far. I get frustrated and upset.

Instead of looking into the progress made, appreciating each step and lesson learnt, I focus on the goal.

I will share a very recent example. I signed up for an online course to learn mindful eating on my new favourite blog zenhabits.net . The idea of the course is that you create the habit of mindful eating. You start step by step and try to eat one meal a day mindfully for a week, then move along to eat mindfully and healthier to then get by the end of the month to the point that everything you put in your mouth will be done in a mindful.

After three weeks on the course I just managed to have one meal a day (and not necessarily the entire meal) applying the mindful eating habits. I got upset with myself and looked for all the things I am doing wrong and badly. Which almost got me to give up.

Looking at it from the 'progress not perfection' point of view assisted to actually appreciate my achievement. Mindful eating and mainly eating slowly has not been part of my eating behaviour for almost 33 years of my life. Why do I expect to master it within three weeks? I realised that the progress made was actually quite amazing. I had started to break a habit which for years I had not been able to break.

I listed all the little successes that come with the mindful eating of one meal a day. This list helped me to see that I am on a good path and that I am doing well.

We tend to be quite hard on ourselves when we don't achieve our goals. Being hard on ourselves does not help and has often a negative effect. I want to encourage you to look out for the progress made during every step of your path. You will be able to analyse your lessons learnt during the process. You can celebrate you courage, your strength towards change. If you only do it in the end, it will not last long. If instead you celebrate each step towards it, you will remember the failures and the successes and it will grow your confidence.

Share your story of progress not of perfection.

Live life guilt free

2012-04-25T12:33:00.001+02:00

I know I have made this point a couple of times on this blog, but the other night I received a little bit of a prep talk from my housemate and I thought I should share it with you.

Most of us spend a lot of time trying to be the best we can. We try to eat and live healthy, have a fantastic relationship, be informed, be a super employee/manager and some of us also super mothers. We think about what is best for us and the people around us and we worry if we are doing the right things.

It can at times be very confusing to know what is right or wrong, what is healthy, what is appropriate for the kids, etc.

I don't want to discourage you to keep yourself informed and continue to be on top of things, however, I do think it is also important to sometimes just take a breather and to just be. And I think if you overall a person that is conscious about life, it is also ok to let go, to allow yourself the portion of fries, the ice cream, a lazy Sunday of doing nothing. Throw your guilt over board and just be. If you are in touch with yourself you won't do anything that really harms you in any ways but it will allow you to just BE.

You are a beautiful person just as you are -without applying any rules, regulations and most importantly without feeling guilty.

Embrace your beautiful self.

Savour your day

2012-04-16T21:13:00.000+02:00

I am sure all of you know those days when everything goes wrong. You wake up and the clothes you put on have a stain, you spill your coffee, you forget your office keys, there is an accident on your route to work and you arrive late, you forget to save your document that you are working on and your PC crashes....and the day just becomes a series of dramatic events. You feel like the whole world is against you and you wish you could just hide in your bed under your duvet.

But do you also remember the days when everything goes right? I recently had two of those and it was amazing how everything just worked out. It took me by surprised. These were days with a lot of potential for things to go wrong with tight timelines, many different appointments and things to do.

I felt truly thankful when all went right. I realised that actually the majority of days are days when most things go ‘right’ but we don’t register those. It is actually nothing extraordinary when things go smooth. In many instances we lack appreciation. After this experience I noticed many more of these moments. It made me walk through my days more appreciative. Savour your days and moments when everything turns out to well.

Miss Mercy Forgiveness

2012-04-09T17:33:00.001+02:00

Once upon a time there was this beautiful lady with the name of Ms Mercy Forgiveness. She was very ladylike; when she moved through a place she seemed gliding across the room and her face had soft and round features. She was overall a person with a very pleasant appearance. Wherever she appeared strange things happened.

One day she was invited to a wedding of friend. The parents of the bride did not approve of the husband to be because they felt he was not good enough for their daughter. Ms Mercy Forgiveness arrived at the wedding looking fabulous. She mingled in the crowd and finally made her way to the bride’s parents. She greeted them, chatted to them for a while and excused herself to have some food. Just a few moments later something incredible happened - the parents approached their new son in law and within a few minutes people saw the unexpected, the parents and the son in law where hugging each other with tears in their eyes.

Wherever Ms. Mercy Forgiveness appeared similar things occurred. Another story that people tell each other is about two siblings fighting over the inheritance of their parents and only speaking to each other through lawyers. Ms. Mercy Forgiveness was friends with both of them but didn’t see them for a long time. It happened that she bumped into both of them and invited them for dinner to her house. At the end of the dinner you could hear laughter and joy and people were wondering if those were these the same siblings that had been fighting for years.

These and many more stories took place when Miss Mercy Forgiveness was around. People started to wonder how she did it. When someone asked her, so how do you do this? She just said ‘What do you mean? I just talk to the people and I listen to them. I do nothing else.’

The strange part about knowing Miss Mercy Forgiveness was that people would not necessarily miss her. When people had arguments and fights they were convinced that their point of view was right. Miss Mercy Forgiveness was not asked for. People only appreciated her after she spoke to them and they actually managed to sort out their arguments. As she really liked the people in the little town she lived in she made a point of visiting many of them and listening to their stories.

Unfortunately, not everyone was able to accept her just for who she was. There was a group of people that would make her life difficult. They would say nasty things whenever she appeared or they would just ignore her. They would laugh about her and say ugly things. She never defended herself. She only quietly disappeared and participated lesser and lesser in the social life of the town. This meant that many conflicts, especially of the ugly big ones, remained unresolved. It reached the point when she would only go out and speak to people if she had been invited......Difficult times lay ahead of this town.

So how does this story end? I don’t know. But it seems worthwhile to invite Miss Mercy Forgiveness more often again.

When men and women are lost in translation

2012-04-03T23:06:00.000+02:00

Recently, I caught myself in a real women-men misunderstanding. I noticed once again, men and women do truly speak two different languages. The situations was as follows: I stated three options for him to chose from. He did - and he chose the wrong option. Deeply upset and hurt I made catty comments.He looked at me with a big question mark in his face.

In that moment I did not understand how he could have chosen that one wrong option. The one option which I absolutely disliked. Upset and aggrieved I failed to see why we had this misunderstanding.

Why was it so difficult for him to know what I really wanted? Why was he not able to know what the right option was? Does he not know me well enough?

These are just some of the thoughts that went through my mind. Now, a few days later I can actually smile about it. Situations like this make it quite obvious why men often think that women are dam complicated. We say something but mean something else. We give three options but we only want them to chose THE one option. I am sure all of you can name an example when something similar has happened to you. And even the most academic and elaborated person will find herself in situations like this.

Expectations are set high in statements we make. It sets him up for failure. One way to work on it is to try avoiding statements loaded with expectations. I often find it difficult to say what I really mean and want as a lot of information, emotions and thought mixes up in my head. When I put out three options, it is pretty clear to me why only THE one option is the right one. Instead of giving options saying it as it is in the literal meaning of the words/phrase will help a lot to improve the 'inter-species-communication' between men and women.

Are we all suffering from ‘commiti-litis’?

2012-03-18T20:40:00.000+02:00

I recently organised a social get together. I got people to confirm their attendance and then, last minute, fifty percent of them sent a sms, email, bbm that they will unfortunately not be able to make it. I was not very surprised. I took note of all the messages and yet enjoyed the time with the rest of the people that attended.

The next morning, I woke up thinking about the nice evening and wondering how it would have been if the others had pitched. Was I disappointed? Yes, but not too much as these last minute cancellation messages have become business as usual for any social event or gathering where only loose commitments are required. I know this, because I have done it myself: confirm or confirm with a maybe, but then sent the famous message ‘sorry, won’t be able to make it’.

Thinking about commitments and social events I think one could put people in four categories:

Over-committers: are the ones that jump on any band wagon and are always full of excitement. When you tell them about any of your ideas and plans, they will find it fantastic and sign up for it even before you have finished the sentence. Unfortunately, those types are the ones that end up cancelling many of their prior ‘commitments’. There are only 24hrs in the day.

Never-committers: They are the other extreme. They always listen carefully when social events are discussed. They will also respond to emails to say ‘I will let you know’. They are the ones that enjoy surprising people when they show up spontaneously. They always keep their options open. They are the type that constantly checks their phones and never stay longer than an hour at any event.

Keep it to the last minute committers: This type of committer confirms up till an hour before the event that he/she is coming. They normally also the ones asking the most detailed questions about what to bring, how to get there, what clothes to wear, what not to do and who else will come? If you ask the person after answering all these question – ‘so will you come’ the person will strongly confirm. You can be rest assured shortly before the event or when the event has just started you will get a message. ‘Sorry can’t make it...’ and a dramatic story will follow.

Keep it as it is committers: This type is a dying out species. When they say ‘yes’ they mean it and they come. When they say ‘no’ they won’t come and when they say ‘maybe’ they ‘maybe’ come.

So what makes it difficult to keep commitments? Are we all suffering from ‘commiti-litis’? Is it a sign of the modern times governed by e-technology, cellphones and the internet? Or is the term commitment outdated and overrated?

I looked up the definition of commitment. Number one was ‘an obligation, promise, etc. that restricts one's freedom of action’. This definition certainly sounds like the license to get out of any type of ‘commitment’ if commitment really means it restricts one’s freedom of action. Number two read ‘the official consignment of a person to a mental hospital or prison’. This definition is another good reason to not commit – you are crazy if you do so. ;-)

The following ones are those ones that refer to the type of commitment I am talking about – the simple act of saying ‘yes’ to an invitation or event and to stick to it.

‘The act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action.’ ‘The trait of sincere and steadfast fixity of purpose’

These last ones sound pretty cooI and I actually do not think commitments are outdated. I think most of us are longing for this ‘sincere’ and ‘steadfast’ promise even for the little things such as a friend really pitching for the birthday party; the kept commitment to really call/email/sms when promised, the commitment to make time to talk....

It is interesting that we are the generation with more leisure time in comparison to hours at work than any generation before us, but we seem to have the most difficulties to manage our free time. We are constantly stressed and do not know how to manage our social calendars, hence the lack of know-how to make or keep commitments. The fact that the number of people we meet during our lifetimes has increased exponentially in comparison to previous generations is another factor contributing to ‘commiti-litis’. The internet and social media surely adds to the fact that our connections are not only far more but also geographically spread.

It seems we have just too many choices and too many connections to take care off. The constant decision making processes are slowly but surely erasing our ability to ‘just commit’ and stick to it. This statement is not a judgement but a worrying fact. I am sure all of us have done it – say 'yes' and then send the famous cancellation sms. I also know that there are many people who really want to make it to all the things they commit to. It becomes a time management issue and an issue of knowing one’s own limitations and abilities. Instant gratification also plays a role. If I have committed to meet with person A but the same morning person B calls and has this fantastic idea to do something, many people then tend to go with how they feel like – cancel with person A and go with person B.

So what are possible remedies to ‘commiti-litis’?

Maybe we all should try to not rely too much on our cell phones but on our human connection and think about how a lack of commitment makes one feel. Maybe it is not so much the word ‘commitment’ but the opposite of it that will assist us in fighting this spreading disease.

It might help us as a warning signal the next time before saying so loosely ‘yes’ or before sending the cancellation message. The opposite of commitment is ‘indifference’. So if someone commits and then sends the sms to cancel it shows a tiny bit of indifference towards the other person.

What other remedies would you suggest? Maybe you can tell me...?

Reconnect

2012-02-29T23:16:00.000+02:00

One of my New Year's resolution was to reconnect with friends and acquaintances that I have lost contact with. I have a lot of people that in certain periods of my life where close and added a lot of value but time and space did not allow to stay in close contact.

I realised that I really enjoy it when one of them gets in touch with me. And even if it has been an eternity of not being in touch there is no remorse but happiness to hear from the person. Hence, I thought that I will commit some time this year to reconnect and instead of waiting for people to get in touch with me, get in touch with them. I made a list of names and every Sunday throughout the year I try and write an email or a card to reconnect.

After almost two months I have to say the outcome is amazing. The great thing is that most of these friends found themselves in the same situation. The reason for not being in touch was simply 'life happens'.

It is beautiful to hear people's life stories, what has shaken up their lives and what has changed and where they are now. It is nice to know that these friends still exist and that once you get talking, things between you seem like 'back then'. It might happen that another year or two will go by until you chat again or maybe even see each other BUT the nice thing the contact has been refreshed.

So this is an encouragement - RECONNECT! Be in touch with an email, a call, a Facebook note or Skype greeting. I promise you it will make you feel good. You will not only feel reconnected with old friends but reconnected with the world.

Energizers

2012-02-08T19:55:00.000+02:00

When the day at the office seems endless and the to-do-lists get longer, it's time for a little energizer. No, I am not talking about a specific cool drink but about little things that can help to take the burden off our minds. Below a list of things that take you five minutes or less and will give you that little bit of energy to get though the next few hours.

Breathe - Just breathe deeply in and out for one minute while looking out the window.
Allow yourself a little treat - when we are snowed under we also burden ourselves with the guilt of not allowing ourselves to have this one piece of chocolate. Nonsense, if that is what will give you a little boost, have the chocolate, sweet, ice cream, ....
Take a five minute break - get up from your desk, go to the bathroom or kitchen - just for a moment. Then, go back to your desk and instead of diving back into the one thing that stresses you out the most, take a look at the things at hand. Give yourself a pad on your shoulder for the things completed and have a realistic look at what is still to come. Is it really as bad and overwhelming as you think?
Save three funny pictures in your mailbox - when you need a booster, look at them. The smile will give you a little kickstart. Alternatively, keep an email, photo or letter close by that gives you a warm feeling (e.g. from your partner or a very good friend). Words that gave you a real ego-boost when you received them. Read them again.
Have two glasses of ice water.

P.S. The following lines are more a 'on the side' note, but maybe worth a thought. Everyone will be able to do one of the above even when you extremely stressed out. The truth is, sometimes we do not really want to let go of the stress. The stress attached to certain things and even the complaining and feeling low is often also something that keeps us going. A lot of work and stress makes us feel needed and important. And only if we super stressed, the colleagues at work will believe that 'our work' is extremely important. Being stressed assists in focusing on one specific thing and justifies why not looking at other things.