In the last year and a half, many of us have experienced some of the most dramatic shifts we’ve ever seen, both individually and globally. You already know from my emails and blogs that I’ve been poised in the “in between,” slowing down, taking inventory, reflecting on where I’ve been, and allowing my world to be a blank slate in order to determine where to go next, when resisting the temptation to arrive at any final answers and solutions.

Believe me, both 2020 and 2021 have been exercises for all of us to maintain a sense of presence and patience with “what is”.

Over the last couple years, which have included my fair share of fumbling in my darkness and engaging in a bit of trial and error to figure out where I want to be, I have been asking myself the same questions a lot of other people are asking: “What are my next steps in life? What do I really want it to look like? Where do I want to focus my energy and attention? What nourishes me and brings my creative spark to life?”

I’ve finally come to a few conclusions I’d like to share with you—especially those of you who have been on the Women For One journey with me for a long time (I’m so grateful for you!).

When I started out, nobody was necessarily talking about the power of truthtelling in the women’s empowerment sector. I’m honored to have witnessed the ripple effects of the space we’ve co-created. I’m grateful for the emergence of movements like #MeToo and #TimesUp, which serves to emphasize the social and cultural significance of women supporting one another to speak their truths. I am also humbled to have joined women from all generations to rise up and claim the power of our personal stories to effect change in far-reaching ways and for many generations to come. In addition, I’ve had the pleasure of talking to some of the world’s greatest thought leaders and changemakers—Dr. Maya Angelou, Arianna Huffington, Ram Dass, Glennon Doyle, Elizabeth Lesser, and dozens of other incredible human beings who are shifting the world, one truth at a time.

Throughout the past decade, I have been amazed by every single woman in this global community. I have learned that I, and all of you, are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. As I move through all the necessary steps to complete this transition, I look back on the last decade with an enormous amount of love, pride, and gratitude. At many points throughout my life, I’ve followed my gut, even in times of uncertainty and fear. I have always trusted that if I leaped, the net would appear. Now, I know that it’s time to leap again. I’m genuinely excited about the new chapter I’m about to write!

Now that I’m finally at the end of that cycle, I have a newfound clarity I’m overjoyed to share with you.

I feel like I’ve come to that proverbial moment of seeing the clouds part and watching the sunlight stream through. This is why it brings me both a sense of joy and bittersweetness to announce that I’m bringing my work with Wf1 to its completion. 

In closing this chapter, it’s time to move forward and into a new vision for my life’s work. What this specifically means is that Wf1 will no longer be accepting new Truthteller stories. Of course, that doesn’t mean the thousands of stories that have filled our website and social media are just going to disappear. Of course not! The Truthteller stories we’ve shared over the years deserve a permanent home, and to that end, all of them will be archived so that you can share links and continue to be inspired by one another’s courage and remember what a difference your truth makes.

While the Wf1 website and social media will be transitioning into my own personal brand, I will continue working with women to further the process of transformation, truthtelling, and ensuring that all women have opportunities to make life happen on our own terms. Please know that I will continue to offer retreats, workshops, and my courses to all of you.

Wf1 has fulfilled an important purpose by being part of this watershed moment for women across the globe—and for that reason, I know my work with Wf1 is complete. That doesn’t mean the work is ever done. As I continue to watch the news and consider everything from the accessibility of safe abortion and healthcare, to the continuous relevance of the #MeToo movement, I know that my work with women and truthtelling is the work of a lifetime. It will never be over. It will simply continue to transform. 

As we transition into 2022, I know it’s the perfect time for birthing my vision of my new work in the world. Since you’re already a vital part of the Wf1 community, you’ll be the first to hear about any updates about my offerings and thoughts. I see my next chapter as an opportunity for every single woman to rise into a greater sense of purpose that extends from our personal lives to the world around us. I can’t wait for you to continue to leap and be part of the journey with me—now and in the future. 

Big love,

The post Every Ending is a New Beginning! appeared first on Kelly McNelis, LLC.

Not long ago, I found myself in the kind of situation that has always been painful for me. I had been preparing for a huge event for several months, and every single person who meant something to me knew about it. They knew all about my passion, as well as the blood, sweat, and tears that had gone into my efforts. More than anything, they knew these efforts were all about building sisterhood and community—and community means nothing if it is not backed up by support. For me, support isn’t simply sentiments of affirmation, but rather, tangible actions centered around showing up. 

So when a few people I’d been counting on ended up being no-shows, I was, admittedly, triggered. How could they possibly pretend to offer support if they weren’t even present when it mattered the most? 

And then, I had to turn that question back on myself, as I truly believe our external circumstances mirror things within ourselves that we are not always conscious of. 

If people weren’t showing up for me, how was this an indication of the ways that I was failing to show up for myself and others? 

I’ve always believed in the power of sisterhood and reciprocity, but lately, my emphasis on external connection has shifted to an awareness of an internal pattern that plays out within me and impacts all my relationships. This pattern is all about the big and little ways I compromise my integrity and fail to show up for myself. It’s in the intuitive hits that get pushed to the wayside. It’s in the ways I ignore my own well-being in order to cater to others. It’s in the many methods of self-abandonment I resort to when being with myself is really freaking hard.

If I had to be perfectly honest, there were countless ways I hadn’t been showing up for myself, as my own BFF and sister, even in the midst of this incredibly important event that had taken all my time and energy to plan.

The revelation was stunning, and while it didn’t alleviate my disappointment in the fact that several people hadn’t supported me in one of the most important events in my life, it helped me bring my focus back to myself. 

Truly, how could I expect others to show up for me if there were ways I wasn’t even showing up for myself? 

I began with an inventory of what “showing up” looks like for me. I thought about the values that matter most in close friendships and sisterhood connections: reciprocity, care, radical vulnerability and honesty, transparency about expectations, and a commitment to growth (both my own and the other person’s). 

I realized that showing up for yourself is about cultivating the most important “sisterly” connection you’ll ever have—the one with your number one.

We all have a sense of what true sisterhood is, but it can be trickier to point out what it isn’t. That’s why I decided to identify some of the tricky behaviors a person can engage in when they choose not to show up for themselves—in a sense of personal sisterhood and solidarity.

1. You self-sabotage: What is self-sabotage when it comes down to it? It’s the experience of being incongruent with ourselves; that is, it occurs when our so-called values conflict with our actions in the world. In essence, our subconscious mind is out of sync with our conscious behavior.

This can look like everything from making excuses for yourself and bailing on the things and people that matter most to you, to spinning in stories and limiting beliefs that ultimately do not serve you. Self-sabotage can be one of the most difficult things to identify because it’s usually wrapped up in the lies we tell ourselves in order to justify toxic behavior.

Ultimately, self-sabotage prevents us from experiencing what we most want in life. And it can run deep, which is why we must identify root causes and engage in honest self-reflection about it. In order to do this, we have to become uncomfortably honest with ourselves and take a complete inventory of the actions, beliefs, and behaviors that are not serving us. More than anything, we need to acknowledge our own agency in perpetuating these attitudes, as well as our ability to make different choices—ones that actually serve and honor us.

2. You don’t self-care: Can you relate? Every single one of us is guilty of this, and it’s the number-one way women don’t show up for themselves. Self-care is about much more than mani/pedis and nights out with girlfriends (which are both awesome). It’s an energy accounting system that enables us to take a conscious temperature check of our own inner and outer resources. Self-care is about giving ourselves the space and breathing room to truly check in and engage in the kind of honest, self-compassionate conversation with ourselves that allows us to course-correct if we discover that we’re not on the right path. It also ensures that we are constantly connected to our feelings, desires, passions, and purpose—and that we’re never putting baby in the corner at our own expense.

3. You don’t set healthy boundaries: This can either look like merging with other people to the extent that you’ve made their needs your own, or pushing people away altogether. Whether you are dropping absolutely everything (including your well-being) to be there for someone in your life, or issuing ultimatums and threatening to cut someone out for good if they screw up, it all comes down to crappy boundaries.

Your boundaries are what allow you to give and receive in a sustainable way, so they need to be flexible and resilient; this means you don’t want them to be nonexistent, but you don’t want to build iron fortresses that cut off the flow of connection and reciprocity. After all, showing up for ourselves is about opening up and giving the people we love a window into who we are, without shame and without unnecessary armor.

4. You limit opportunities for growth: Showing up for ourselves isn’t all fun and games. It’s also about doing the things that can, frankly, be boring or uncomfortable. It’s about being a loving parental figure to our inner child, who might prefer to kick and scream her way out of taking full responsibility for her life. The problem is, many of us continue to live in that wounded child mentality without realizing it.

Growth is counter to comfort in many ways. When we take risks, try new things, or break bad habits, we are seldom comfortable. Our full emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental efforts are tried and tested. However, growth is key to discovering our joy and purpose, while the ultimate effects of constantly reaching for comfort can lead to numbness, boredom, and dissatisfaction.

Sadly, we constantly eliminate opportunities for growth via resistance, fear, or convincing ourselves that we know everything there is to know. But in truth, we unconsciously avoid the things we need the most. For example, I know that when I’m confronted with an issue that’s terrifying, my go-to is Netflix and a cocktail.

So check yourself and consider the following questions: When do you want to run screaming out of a room? When do you find yourself caught in defensiveness rather than opening up and simply taking in your experience or the wisdom another person has to offer? What would it take to simply let yourself be in the moment rather than running away from it?

5. You operate from a place of fear and control. This might be the most insidious way we fail to show up for ourselves, because it ultimately signals a lack of trust in our ability to meet life head on. It’s no secret that fear can often dictate how we show up and what we show up for. But when we allow fear and our the need for predictability to rule us, we box ourselves into tiny, risk-free lives in which we never get to experience the exhilaration of growth or step into the beautiful mystery of existence (or, God forbid, failure, which offers us some of the most important life lessons we’re likely to find!). It is only in our trust and capacity for surrender that we discover who we are and what we are truly made of.

Showing up for ourselves is a radical act; in doing it, we give others permission to show up for themselves and one another. We become willing models for what supportive sisterhood can look like—free of blame, shame, guilt, or regret. We create opportunities for the kind of reciprocity we all long for—and when we don’t receive it, we no longer subject ourselves to constant disappointment. We become fervent advocates for our own well-being. We learn how to fill ourselves up and offer our inner child consistent empathy, honest evaluation, and unflagging support. And when it comes down to it, we allow ourselves to gracefully cut our losses when other people aren’t doing the same. 

I know without a doubt that I am responsible for showing up for myself. I yearn to cultivate a sense of wholeness and enoughness that allows me to create the kind of transparent and meaningful sisterhood I want. There is no more liberating realization than that.

The post Tell Me—Are You Being a Sister to Yourself? appeared first on Kelly McNelis, LLC.

In honor of my upcoming retreat, The Power of Sisterhood, I’d like to share the following passage from my book, Your Messy Brilliance: 7 Tools for the Perfectly Imperfect Woman. It was written to celebrate the delicate, but unbreakable bonds that connect all women across time and space. Particularly in this time, as we re-emerge into the kinds of friendships and communities that will strengthen us through difficult times, may we always remember our own creative genius and innate power, especially when we come face-to-face with another sister and see ourselves mirrored in her.

So, how exactly do we connect with our vast and untapped feminine power? For starters, we can reach out to other women and experience the beauty of sisterhood. As I am sure you know, women are capable of creating emotionally complex, powerfully deep, communicative, and nurturing relationships with each other.

There is so much beauty that is generated when groups of women intentionally come together to support each other. It is time for all of us, as women, to tune into our feminine nature. As if our own gratification were not enough reason to find a way to open up more fully to the world of sensation, there’s also this: We, as a culture and a species, are on the precipice of great change. 

The world is shifting around us, and the structures we’ve built with the masculine mindset are crumbling. Relationship dynamics are changing, and both men and women must change, as well. Our economic models, religions, institutions like marriage and family, and even how we operate in the global community are no longer working. 

We must move toward a more connected, more open-minded, more holistic view of life or we will not survive. In other words, we must shift from a predominantly masculine world- view to one that equally honors both the feminine and masculine.

But let’s begin at the beginning. Every revolution starts with the self. In embracing our entire messiness—whether this takes form in our wild sexual desires, the way we move our curvy bodies, or the mysterious passions and convictions that refuse to be hemmed in by reason and linear thinking—we trust that we are more than enough. 

In fact, we are infinitely powerful, magical beings who are changing the world. Many of us are only now remembering that we are the living embodiment of the powerful feminine principle, which is all about courage, compassion, beauty, connection, sensuality, and above all, truth. 

Indeed, your story, your truth, is forever intertwined in the beautiful, chaotic ball of yarn that is life itself, whether those stories are of struggle or hope, joy or loss, self-discovery or a voyage into the unknown. 

What’s more, a single thread, simultaneously delicate and resilient, weaves in and out of that ball of yarn—creating unity and coherence, connection and meaning. I call this the feminine thread. I began to envision this thread whenever I talked to a woman.

In connecting with her one on one, I also connected to a larger vision of sisterhood that encompassed all places and times. In this vision, women from all walks of life held hands—a picture of solidarity and unbreakable love that spanned as far as the eye could see. And every time I saw this, I knew it was so much more than a vision my imagination had concocted. It was more like a cosmic revelation of something that is so very real. We are an integral part of this powerful, everlasting thread that teems with pure life energy, that connects all women through the ages, and that also has the capacity to heal past and future generations. 

It is our moral imperative to fully own our place in the world—as mothers, daughters, sisters, lovers, and weavers of the feminine thread that binds us and everything else together.

Unfortunately, many of us don’t necessarily feel that we are in contact with the feminine thread. Sometimes it is palpable; other times it may seem subtle or even nonexistent. But this light-filled thread vibrates with constant energy and links us to a global sisterhood—of both women we have met, and women we will perhaps never encounter in the flesh.

You are not alone, so take heart and be courageous. The world needs us. It needs you—in all your beauty, your joy, your pain, your passion, your intrinsic wholeness, your messy brilliance. More than anything, it needs you to dive into your brilliance and own every single part of it.

The Power of Sisterhood is a weekend retreat that takes place August 13–15 at the beautiful, world-renowned Omega Institute. It’s the perfect retreat for re-emerging into the exciting new times in which we find ourselves. It’s an opportunity to reconnect with yourself and with the feminine superpower of connection, so you can open up to the healing that’s possible when you experience the true joy and empowerment of sisterhood. Sign up for this retreat here, learn to be your own best friend and sister, and experience how deepening your connections with other women can transform your life from the inside out. Because you’re worth it!

To purchase a copy of Your Messy Brilliance: 7 Tools for the Perfectly Imperfect Woman for yourself or a beloved sister, go here.

The post The Feminine Thread That Connects Us All appeared first on Kelly McNelis, LLC.

How are you doing these days?

I am sure this question will bring up all the feels. Maybe some sadness, confusion, joy, anger, even numbness—or a lively combination of everything in between. After the year we’ve all lived through, a ray of hope is probably beaming into the mixture.

If you’re anything like me, it’s likely you’re spending some of your time preparing to emerge from what I think of as the “space in between.” The space in between is a rich and fertile region where everything and nothing in particular is happening. When you’re feeling impatient, out of sorts, or mired in the busy-ness of your life, going there may seem boring or trivial—after all, there are “more important things to attend to.” 

But I find that when I am fully engaged with the present moment, with its spurts of activity and bouts of stillness, the space in between is a mysterious world full of wonder and possibility. It’s a place where we get to marinate and figure out what’s next for us…where we take the time to determine who we want to be and how we wish to emerge from a period marked by trauma, isolation, and meaningful epiphanies for most of us. 

And it’s a much-needed space for our world right now.

Making Peace with the Limbo

During the pandemic, I’ve valued all the opportunities to slow down and feel…well, everything. I chilled a lot and took the time to really be with the silence, interspersed with sounds of the eagles near my house and rustling trees. That lack of noise eventually extended to my inner world. The whirlwind of thoughts and ideas suddenly slowed down.

In the past year, I had a lot more room to simply feel.

And let me tell you, I’ve been loving it. I feel it in my thoughts, my senses, my ears, my body, and the new gaps of inactivity that have entered my life. This space helps me to notice the things I am not usually aware of and re-attune to the parts of my life that matter the most.

I strongly feel that in this next transition, we’ll be moving toward even more change, both individually and personally. But it can be nail-bitingly tough, even disorienting, to be in the in-between. Lots of us have a better sense of what we do and don’t want…but no clue as to how to get there…or how to make sure it’s even better than we could have imagined.

That’s why I created CHRYSALIS: An 8-Week Group for Emerging Into Your Messy Brilliance. It’s a powerful and exclusive opportunity for a dedicated group of women to dance in the in-between and develop a plan for the beauty we will create as we emerge from the cocoon of this past year.  

I wanted to let women know that when we’re in this together, navigating change can be fun, graceful, and energizing. Being in the in-between can take us out of our heads and into our hearts—into who we really are and who we want to become. 

Admittedly, the space in-between isn’t a place I’ve always enjoyed hanging out in. I’ve associated the space in between with the upheaval of being in constant limbo throughout my childhood, given the unstable nature of my home life—which included moving around and going to upwards of a dozen schools before the age of 17. I never felt settled, but rather, constantly in between phases and possibilities. All of it was painful, uncomfortable, and crazy-making, to say the least.

But when we sit in the space in between, we learn to create powerful intentions for what lies ahead. Instead of just reacting to everything that’s happening at breakneck speed, we leave space to ask ourselves: What do I really want? Who do I want to be? How do I get there?

I have learned that in order to make peace with the in-between and access its innate wisdom, I need to move beyond chaos and overwhelm and sit inside the core of my feminine wisdom: my intuition (a tool from my book, Your Messy Brilliance: 7 Tools for the Perfectly Imperfect Woman, which will be the “guidebook” for CHRYSALIS).

Granted, most of us want stability, and we are currently grappling with having it pulled out from beneath us. But these transitional periods—although they can be the source of a lot of uncertainty—are also rich opportunities for self-exploration. In fact, in order to make them powerful, you simply need to recognize you have control over something priceless: your inner life and what you are choosing to attune to, notice, and offer your attention.

The Antidote to the Current Chaos: Your Intuition

As I write this blog for Mother’s Day like no other, I recognize the power of celebrating the feminine and reorienting to it as a compass for our lives, especially as we step into a new unknown phase. As women and feminine beings, every single one of us is a mother—whether we are mothers to children, passion projects, communities, or anything else that we offer our nurturance and devotion to. This includes our very own selves.

I’ve discovered that one of the most powerful ways for me to mother myself and offer myself compassion and love is to go inward, slow down, and tune in. The power of listening is especially vital now, given the mixed messages that continue to emerge in our divided society. 

We must still ourselves and linger in the quietude that is so essential to navigating the space in between. We must nurture our bodies, minds, and spirits. We must be extremely discerning about the information we are taking in. This means we do not operate from fear and panic but from a place of centered awareness—which allows us to fine-tune our bullshit radar and let go of excess baggage that does not serve us. 

When the noise of the external world becomes too much for us to bear, it is imperative that we as women tap into our superpower: our intuition.

An Excerpt from Your Messy Brilliance: 7 Tools for the Perfectly Imperfect Woman

Below, I’m including an excerpt from Chapter 4 of Your Messy Brilliance, that I hope will help you develop an even more powerful relationship with your intuition in this fraught and difficult time.

There are plenty of ways you can learn to exercise your intuition. Clearing your mind daily and tuning into your body by meditating is one surefire method of cleaning up the external clutter and gauging your internal climate. In addition, you can keep an intuition journal; write down what your intuition is telling you, based on sensations in your body, and report what happens when you act on this subtle knowledge. Having a record of these moments will hone your confidence in following your internal voice.

Exercising the right side of your brain, which is where holistic expression and nonverbally based knowledge reside, can also be strengthened through practices like free-writes, painting, dancing, and creativity. If you want to get a feeling for a prospective lover or simply gauge whether your environment is safe, learn to trust the contractions, expansions, and surging fluctuations of your intuition as inroads into information that isn’t always immediately accessible when you’re navigating conventional paths or seeking the “right” answers. You will discover that trusting your intuition is about getting acquainted with your mind, body, heart, gut, and spirit, all at once. You will learn that following your intuition is all about staying in a place of dynamic tension, of riding the wave between peaks and valleys, remaining open to changes in your sensations and emotions, and continuing to check into your body and sense of your environment rather than dissociating when it becomes too difficult to stay present.

Ask yourself: Where does my intuition generally reside in my body? My gut? My heart? My womb? Wherever you find that voice to be just a little louder and more persistent than usual, be sure to tune in, listen, and trust from a place that honors both the visceral and contemplative experience of being alive.

Many of us are walking around in the world, searching for our power in wealth, success, relationships, or even yoga and meditation. Moreover, we often depend on the people around us—from close friends to spiritual gurus to people who claim to have highly sensitive psychic powers—to give us the answers we are looking for. But as Glinda the Good Witch tells Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, “You’ve always had the power.” It’s just a matter of reclaiming it, noticing it, and being aware of it—and there’s no better way of doing this than learning to act on your intuition, with the following exercises.

Take a Power Pause

This week, when you find yourself feeling stuck or stumped by something in your life—whether it’s a difficult conversation, a frustrating encounter, a big decision you need to make, or a troubling emotion—let yourself stop whatever it is you are doing. Take ten deep breaths. Then, take a couple of minutes to do a quick body scan; starting from your head and moving down all the way to your toes, notice whatever sensations you are feeling in your body. Taking a long pause and bringing your attention back to what is going on in your body can help to neutralize the effects of the spinning mind, which can keep you from receiving your intuition. The power of the pause is that it stops circular thinking in its tracks and makes you far more open to the wisdom that wants to come through.

The True Test: Trust Yourself

It’s a wonderful thing to remain open to the world around you, but the true test of life in and beyond COVID is the ability to go inward and trust ourselves when the world is bursting with chaos and contradiction. So take this opportunity to slow down, breathe, and tune into the radio signal of your intuition. As a woman, as a mother, this is your birthright. Please honor it and let it be a solace to you in these tumultuous and paradigm-shifting times. Let it bring you back to yourself and a peace of mind, body, and spirit that can never be taken from you. Let it guide you with ease and confidence into your “what’s next.” Happy Mother’s Day, soul sister!

CHRYSALIS: An 8-Week Group for Emerging Into Your Messy Brilliance begins Tuesday, May 18. If you join me, you’ll get the very tools you need to make the heart-centered, soul-directed changes that’ll get you through this next transition. Learn more here. And make sure to sign up soon—spots are very limited because I wanted to make this an opportunity for women to get up close and personal with a supportive group of sisters!

The post Be Your Own Mother: Tap into Your Intuition and Emerge Even Stronger appeared first on Kelly McNelis, LLC.

I have never been a well-behaved woman.
I am an untamable storm,
A paradox,
A loud noise—soothing melody,
A caged bird with broken wings,
Daring to break free.

I have never been a well-behaved woman,
Never learned to be.
Why would I want to be?
The steady ground where I walk shakes at the touch of my feet.

I heard once well-behaved women seldom make history.
Unconventional Goddesses,
The ones who fought the hardest
For me to run free.
I am who they envisioned for me.

I have never been a well-behaved woman.
I could never be,
Even if I tried.
I know
Because I have,
And failed each time.
To be a well-behaved woman,
That is not for me.

I am not a well-behaved woman,
Defined by another’s last name,
Enamored with a shining diamond.
My blood boils beneath my skin.
An electric soul
Is who I am meant to be.

Born to be more than a smile.
A heart beating this loud,
A voice raising this proud,
As I tremble and shake,
Even if I break,
I will stand on my feet,
Do it all over again,
A phoenix rising from ashes.
I will never be a well-behaved woman,
That is not me.

I have never been a well-behaved woman,
As many who dance with me.
We owe it to our daughters.
To never be well-behaved women,
Leave a mark on history.

I have never been a well-behaved woman,
Nor will I ever be.
Why would I want to be
A well-behaved woman?

The post I Have Never Been a Well-Behaved Woman appeared first on Kelly McNelis, LLC.

How do you know your “no”? I’m not just talking about any old no—I’m talking about your deal breakers. Your “HELL NO!” You know, those things in your life that take you to the breaking point of your tolerance. Those things that drain you of your energy and turn you into that person you’d really rather not be! 

How does that “no” show up for you? Maybe you feel it as a flush on your skin, an edge in your voice, a pit in your stomach, or a panicky flutter of your heart. 

But let me ask you—how often do you act on that “no?” Even when the alarm bells are ringing inside, do you usually turn the other cheek and just let it be? 

I know that as women, many of us have been conditioned to say yes when we really want to scream “hell no!” 

The way I see it, it’s high time for a change. 

It’s time to fully understand and honor our deal breakers, especially when the plague of politeness keeps so many of us from fully understanding the toll that an unwarranted “yes” takes on our lives.

I am naturally a yes person. That doesn’t mean that I am willing to put up with bad behavior. It just means I am the kind of person who prefers to stay positive, and to be open to the possibilities—which means I often end up saying “yes” when I shouldn’t.

Unfortunately, I’ve discovered that not only can this drain me of my valuable energy, but it can also negatively impact interpersonal relationships and keep me from the kind of intimacy I yearn for with the people I love. 

Case in point: A few people in my professional circle have come to me with ideas about how we can partner to create some powerful offerings for our respective audiences. In the past, I would have seriously considered all these opportunities—because, again, I’m all about creative collaboration as a vehicle for women coming together. But the last few times I’ve had these conversations, I noticed that something was different. My head was saying yes, but my heart was saying no. I even had several long conversations with colleagues to brainstorm and generate ideas…but the truth was, I didn’t feel excited about any of it. I simply felt stuck in my pattern of saying “yes” because it was second nature to me! To the extent that I actually felt super uncomfortable saying “no” and possibly disappointing my super-enthusiastic colleagues. 

However, in withholding my truth, I wasn’t serving either myself or the people who were approaching me. I was withholding my truth in my misguided attempt to connect.

This realization came to me as a lightning bolt of clarity that opened my heart. I’d been silently judging myself, because for whatever reason, I’d decided that my intrinsic “no” was not something I could honor—because that would mean I was being a bad “sister.” However, in honoring that my life was moving me in different directions and that I need to preserve my energy for a small number of things rather than dispersing it all over the place, something finally clicked. I was no longer resistant to that nagging feeling below the surface…that as good as everything sounded, my heart wasn’t in any of the offers I was getting. And it felt like I could finally step into the pure and nonjudgmental energy of love and truth. 

One of the things I’ve learned in my own transformative journey is that if you stay up in your head (where all the excuses and rationalizations live) and out of your heart (where the truth lives), you will never move any energy that is stuck, and you’ll never absorb the lessons from your experiences. It was only by getting into my own heart, into this solid awareness of the fact that I wanted to tell a new story to myself—a story of getting rid of the shoulds and being completely honest about what I did and didn’t have time or energy for—that I realized I needed to honor my no. I wanted to be an exemplar of truth, wisdom, and power. And in order to do this, I had to be real with myself and others.

The lesson I learned from all of this is that when we are resistant to our no, we only end up blocking our own growth and transformation, as well as the growth and transformation that might be possible for others. I also felt what it was like to drop into my own heart and to stand in my power in such a way that made me feel connected to what most matters to me—and in a way that invited acceptance and open communication. 

I believe most of us want transformation, but we don’t always know the best ways to go about it. A big part of experiencing transformation on all levels is honoring with our full selves what we do and don’t have room for in our lives—what our innate “no” and “yes” actually are. 

How can we actually give voice to this, instead of just accommodating the people around us because we don’t want to ruffle any feathers? How can we move even closer to what is true for us and share that truth from a place of integrity and self-honoring, not to mention compassion and respect for others? (And on the flip side, what if we’re the kind of person who is accustomed to saying no all the time—not because it’s a genuine no but because we’re afraid of saying yes and feel safer this way? How do we begin to expand into greater possibility?)

How do we honor both our intrinsic yes and our intrinsic no? 

My hope is that you’ll discover your answer to these questions, and more, through my latest creation: CHRYSALIS: An 8-Week Group for Emerging Into Your Messy Brilliance. This is an exclusive opportunity for a dedicated group of women to create a plan for emerging from the cocoon of this past year—and into greater truth, authenticity, joy, and passion. And there are just a few more spots available!

The purpose of this group is to usher us in the direction of transformation. This is a wonderful time to get super clear about the patterns you wish to break and the new reality you’re about to create. CHRYSALIS will also grow your own capacity, so that when you’re at a crossroads, you can move from the narrow confines of your head and into the healing and expansive potential of your heart. I hope you’ll join me!

The post This Spring, Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Heart appeared first on Kelly McNelis, LLC.

We are all diving into a dark night of the soul—and we are feeling its impacts on multiple levels, individually and collectively. A lot of people in my life are hurting. It probably goes without saying that this is completely understandable given the time that we are living in currently.

I’ve personally had seven friends in crisis this past month alone—extremely close loved ones who are dealing with major issues: death and bereavement, illness and uncertainty. They are facing trials and tribulations that are requiring all their strength—and it can sometimes feel devastating to witness them in their process. 

In the past, I would be the kind of person who dropped everything just to be there for my friends. However, in this last year, I’ve become much more attuned to the ways my energy gets drained and depleted without my knowing it. This is not to say that I’ve erected walls around myself that mean I won’t be there for my friends…but I have become acutely aware of my tendency to over-give. And right now, meaningful and intentional boundaries are one of the most powerful forms of self-care I can think of—because the way we navigate self-care in this collective dark night is a huge path of initiation for all of us. 

It hasn’t been until recently that I’ve come to understand the power of setting strong energetic boundaries. After all, I’m a born caretaker, and my tendency is to default to my old pattern of wanting to “save” others. For most of my life, it’s been a completely unconscious pattern that also happens to be associated with all of the qualities I most love about myself, including my generosity and genuine love for the people in my life. I am definitely a mama bear, and I tend to protect others and want to save them from any pain they might be encountering. It’s a very deep and visceral aspect of who I am, as caretaking is essentially how I learned to survive as a young girl dealing with a great deal of instability…and who needed to parent not just myself, but my own parents. 

I’ve been working on relinquishing this caretaking tendency for years, especially with my own children. Needless to say, it’s really freaking hard. Like many other women, I still default to surrendering my entire self and giving my everything to people in my life to show them I care and I’m there for them. At times, it feels like it’s genuinely warranted, especially with loved ones in crisis. 

While I may have unquestioningly abandoned other parts of my life to hold space for the loved ones in the past, I now quickly recognize how drained I can feel in the aftermath. This has nothing to do with people’s expectations of me. It’s just that my old survival pattern constantly has me leaving myself and my body, and moving past my own boundaries. Typically, even when I don’t have as much energy to give other people, I find myself showing up and hovering around them like a mother hen. But this time around, instead of just repeating that pattern, I am starting to notice it as it arises…and I am making the effort to lovingly, graciously return to myself. Awareness of my actions is truly a key component of my own healing.

Most caretakers and empaths are natural healers, but caretaking is not always an effective way of offering healing. In fact, every single one of us has probably encountered a time in our lives when someone else’s caretaking wasn’t helpful. Sure, it may have been well-intentioned, but it never feels good when someone is trying to “fix”you.” And I sure as hell know you can’t truly help someone if you’re trying to “save” them.

For people who are healers, getting caught up in the trauma of another person’s experience is a surefire way to retraumatize ourselves. Many people who have an unconscious savior complex would do well to gain a deeper awareness of the shadow side of wanting to save others. In my book Your Messy Brilliance: 7 Tools for the Perfectly Imperfect Woman, I write about common victim archetypes that surface in our lives and reveal the sneaky ways in which we get caught in self-victimization. Here’s an excerpt from my book about the Savior archetype:

The Savior: This is the person who believes that it’s their mission to “save” the world. They may be genuinely motivated by the desire to be of service, but the do-gooder tendency can also be a way to hide behind a role that keeps them from feeling powerless. They constantly project victimhood onto others and take up a thousand different causes, not from pure love, but from fear and reactivity. The tendency to hide behind a mask of righteousness is similar to that of fundamentalists who would feel utterly lost without their dogma and the certainty that they know best. These victims would rather focus on others than take a look at themselves.

Saviors often project their feelings of helplessness onto others so they never have to consider their own vulnerability and needs, which can be scary. (“What?! You mean I actually have needs…and I have to find ways to meet them?”) But when we are disconnected from our needs, we often miss actual opportunities to help people who genuinely want and need it. This is an avoidance mechanism that has far-reaching consequences—from making us feel depleted to disempowering the very people we are seeking to “save.”

It is often our moments of crisis that define who we are and what we value. Crisis can be a powerful rite of passage that helps us step into a greater sense of power and into our own humanity and resilience. And if you’re the kind of person who is constantly trying to shield others from experiences of pain and suffering, it’s more likely that you’re avoiding your own. 

When we gain a deeper awareness of our boundaries (whether we have them or need to work on building stronger ones), we begin to recognize a difficult truth: Truly, as individuals, we can only save ourselves. 

I believe that we can offer people resources and our nonjudgmental attention and presence—because we love them and we naturally have the desire to help ease their pain. However, it’s not our job to take other people’s emotional issues and struggles onto our own shoulders. It’s not our job to “fix” anyone.” Every single person is ultimately responsible for their own healing, and we are also responsible for discerning when it’s time to preserve our energy rather than expend it. 

One of the best things we can do to offer healing and support is to hold a loving yet boundaried space for the people in our lives. When we do this, we hand them the power to find solutions that work for them—without trampling over our own needs. 

When you set boundaries, you care for yourself and create a loving example for people in your life. You become better at figuring out your own needs, and letting people know what those needs are if necessary. As a result, you start to model the power of reciprocity—of caring for your physical well-being, asking for help when you need it, receiving it when it’s available, and offering the same to others. Instead of attempting to fix yourself or anyone else, you begin to learn the art of presence and compassion—which I define as the ability to hold space for both yourself and another, without feeling the need to “do” anything.

Most of us are yearning for spaces in which we can simply be. I ask that you consider that offering this kind of freedom to others is often far more valuable (and underrated) than attempting to take away their pain. And also this action may just be the most important person to whom you can offer this gift is none other than yourself. 

The post Healing Begins with You: How to Help Yourself and Others Navigate Dark Times appeared first on Kelly McNelis, LLC.

Last week, we witnessed a horrifying moment in our nation’s (and indeed, the world’s) history. It’s something many of us feared for several months, if not years. We all witnessed the hateful, dangerous, and deliberately divisive rhetoric of the outgoing president boil over into an attempted overthrow of our already fragile democracy.

It’s become crystal clear that when the nation’s political right appeals to “law and order,” it’s all about the version of law and order they’ve imposed—which is all too obvious given their treatment of the people who tirelessly marched for justice after George Floyd’s murder last year. The opportunism of so-called leaders who have distanced themselves from the outgoing president despite having fanned the flames of his arrogance and lawlessness will not be ignored, either.

What happened last week is part of a long line of authoritarian tactics that have waged war on truth with a deliberate campaign of disinformation and hatred, dividing our nation further and creating even more distrust in the institutions that are supposed to protect us.

Those of us who are committed to justice cannot afford to turn a blind eye, excuse the so-called “leader of the free world” after he deliberately (and treasonously) incited a mob to violence, or make excuses for the destruction and delusion that are continuing to be waged by him and his most strident followers.

While we can exercise compassion, we must refuse to honor the roles that those sowing the seeds of discord are playing. We must disrupt their patterns through our willingness to step up, have hard conversations, and say, ‘ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!” while also recognizing that we are part of one another. The goal isn’t destruction, but we cannot stand down in the face of domestic terrorism and demagoguery.

We need accountability. We need to say a firm “NOT IN OUR NAME!” to injustice and oppression. We need to shut down the lies and disinformation that have for years run unchecked thanks to the people who run our social media platforms, who must take their share of responsibility for spreading the wildfire of fear and paranoia.

Many of us are understandably shaken, but at the same time, we are already witnessing the ways last week’s blatant act of sedition is starting to backfire against the outgoing president and his allies.

Next Monday is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day—the day we commemorate the most influential civil rights leader of our nation’s past century. In honor of a man who gave his life to peace and justice—not just in theory but in action—we must rise up and prove we are worthy of the legacy he left behind.

Dr. King also famously said that the moral arc of the universe always bends toward justice. The process of change might feel daunting, even messy at times. But for those of us who are advocates of true justice…the kind of justice that seeks healing, reconciliation, understanding, truth, and an unwavering belief in the dignity and wholeness of all people…we must recognize that we cannot embark on this journey in isolation.

There are very real forces seeking to tear us apart and to place the interests of some over the welfare of many. The rhetoric of the outgoing president is hellbent on perpetuating this kind of misguided approach, all in the name of “patriotism” and “freedom.” We cannot let ourselves be divided by the disease of fear, paranoia, delusion, intolerance, ignorance, and misinformation—all of which ran rampant on the national and global stage, in a grotesque carnival of ugly images that encompassed Nazi slogans and Confederate flags, and that led to the loss of life.

May the movement for justice be life-affirming—a celebration of every single one of us, not the so-called leaders who seek to wage war and further their own egotistical ends.

In the words of the 1 Billion Rising Movement (a movement that has bravely centered the importance of addressing gender-based violence against cisgender, transgender, and nonbinary people, as we envision what true peace can look like): “Justice is a community of hundreds united together—women, men, children—dancing in the streets, singing to the seagulls, laughing loudly, loving courageously, sharing the smiles, not hiding the tears, and embracing one another as a human family, an undivided race. Justice is safe, it is open, it is without fear, without shame, without false ideas or projected illusions. Justice is love living freely and dancing wildly. It is the spark of hope and the seed of life which grows for generations. Our acts of justice begin moment by moment. Only in the present can we create the world of our dreams which embodies peace and sustains wholeness. Justice is community action. Justice is individual action. Justice is love in action.”

This is not going to be easy work—and we might not feel we are ready for it. But now is the time. Our time.

If 2020 showed us anything, it’s how powerful we can be when our focus is on building community, choosing love over fear, and saying yes to our healing. Thankfully, we are not alone in these pursuits. We have each other. Together, we will prevail—not as a mob, but as a community committed to picking up the pieces together. Together, we will walk toward the future so many of our predecessors painstakingly paved the road toward and made possible for every single one of us.

The post Not in Our Name appeared first on Kelly McNelis, LLC.

It’s no secret: The idea of messiness gets a bad rap.

So often, when women hear me say the word messy, the worst possible images come to mind: a house full of chaos, dirty dishes, and screaming kids; a head that’s spinning with worst-case scenarios; a person who can’t get their shit together no matter how hard they try.

And now, in the wake of so much chaos being enacted on our political stage, the idea of messiness has extended to images of a mob storming the Capitol Building. It has extended to the general sense of confusion and division we experience on social media, the handling of affairs around the pandemic, and so many other factors that have made our national and global situation feel downright chaotic.

So—believe me, sister, when I say I don’t blame anyone for wanting to hold messy at bay with a ten-foot pole!

However, I think it’s time for us to reclaim messy—in the name of our sanity and greater levels of clarity!

For me, messy is not about the flurry of images and scenes that blare out at us from the 24/7 news cycle, or the feelings of utter bewilderment and overwhelm we might experience as we think about what’s going to happen next. It’s a personal journey into our wholeness. It’s a brave expedition into all parts of ourselves: the things we fear, the things we are ashamed of, and the things that make us uniquely who we are.

Because I believe that when we reclaim our personal mess, this is what sets the stage for more powerful and responsible choices—and for actions that move us closer to ourselves and one another.

For me, this process is about the brilliance, creativity, and aha moments we tap into when we surrender to the beautiful, glorious mess of it all. And, more than anything, it’s about acceptance of all our parts—which is the closest thing to a recipe for happiness I can think of.

Are you ready to come with me on an epic journey through messiness this year?

I am thrilled to share with you one of my most popular courses, Your Messy Brilliance®: A 30-Day Course to Embrace Your Perfectly Imperfect Self!

Over the course of a month, we’ll go through a series of fun, easy, daily exercises that will help you to:

• • Define what joy means to you on your own terms
  • Uncover the inspiration, self-acceptance, and courage you need to take charge of your destiny 
  • Cut out the things that deplete your time, energy, and resources—and connect to what really matters
  • Combat burnout and stress, while adding more hours to your day
  • Know what makes you come alive and achieve a greater sense of passion and purpose
  • Find your true brilliance in the middle of your life—the messy, the glorious, all of it!
  • Learn how to use your intuition, messiness, and perceived “flaws” to increase your impact in the world while remaining true to yourself
  • Throw away the templates that tell you there is only one cookie-cutter version of success (from the way you dress to the way you talk and interact)—and create your own
  • Leave with an action plan for making life happen—on a day-to-day basis and in looking at the bigger picture of your life

  Trust me, this is about getting clear and having fun at the same time—so I encourage you to throw out your New Year’s resolutions and join me for something even more satisfying. This 2021, develop your truthtelling skills even further, and let’s reclaim messy together!

  Sign up for the course here.

  The post Reclaim Your Mess in 2021! appeared first on Kelly McNelis, LLC.

  ]]> https://kellymcnelis.com/reclaim-mess-2021/feed/ 0 https://kellymcnelis.com/whole-heart/ https://kellymcnelis.com/whole-heart/#comments Tue, 05 Jan 2021 14:00:59 +0000 https://womenforone.com/?p=93112 After one night in her childhood changed her life forever, Michelle Felix found herself on a lifelong journey that led her to navigate loss, healing, wholeness, and purpose—and to find the courage to forgive.

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  I believe that every one of us has a story to tell because our journeys are uniquely ours, and each season of our past shapes us and our future. Though no one can walk the same path you walk, the pain we feel—rejection, abandonment, abuse, and other trials—is relatable across all walks of life. My journey is one of pain but also of hope, courage, and healing.

  There were moments in my life where nothing around me reflected the dreams that God had put on my heart. One could say that mine is a story about a girl living in South Africa, hoping that the legend of America as a place of possibility was true. Ultimately, though, mine is a story of redemption and restoration.

  I lost my mum through her second suicide attempt when I was 11 years old. I was the first person to witness her death. I went through all the stages of denial and confusion, from an 11-year-old perspective. The ordeal continued: Rejection and abandonment from my father after he created a new life for himself. Physical abuse from my stepmother. Finally, years later, forgiving my dad before his tragic death.

  Living with my auntie’s family reminded me of all that I had lost. Perhaps I spent too much time with my thoughts. I could not stop myself from speculating that if only I stayed with my mother that night when she begged me to stay, she would still be here…and I would still have a mother. If only I stayed, I could have saved my family. If only I stayed, life would be different.

  These thoughts played games with my mind and made me feel responsible for Mum’s death. Why was it that Mum had helped bring life into the world almost every day as a midwife, and yet she could not get the help she needed to save her own life? These thoughts fed my guilt, and shame festered in me. I was approaching my teen years, but I had no purpose or drive. I went through the motions of chores and school. I was so fearful of being asked questions about my parents. How would I tell others that I lived with my aunt because my mother killed herself, after which my dad abandoned me?

  I hid my past, my pain. I thought covering it all up was my only chance at being accepted, and I was so desperate to belong. Looking back on these moments, I needed to let go of the guilt and shame of not staying with Mum. I could not control my mum’s decision. It was her choice.

  We so often live life thinking everything could have been better if we had done something else. I have learned to let go of things I could not control. I found healing by letting go of the idea, “If only I stayed,” The universe keeps moving, and life keeps changing. Living in the present, and not the past, created new doors of healing for me.

  At times I felt like my mind was a battlefield. I was fearful of an uncertain future and had no understanding of the loss and pain that had transpired in my past. I chased answers and acceptance until I realized that peace would not come from certainty. Peace is something we must find for ourselves. We do not have the power to change yesterday, but we can use it to make things right or better today.

  I am grateful for my journey. Every heartache and every painful moment has given me grateful eyes. I am who I am today because of my journey. Through my healing journey, I realized that learning to forgive yourself is perhaps even more difficult and more important than finding forgiveness for others. By releasing heavy burdens buried deep inside, we begin to experience acceptance and love—and the healing that comes with it. Hope gave me the courage to believe in dreams, forgiveness gave me the power to heal, and a higher love set me free.

  The world is not always going to be fair. Instead of turning your pain into anger, let your pain help you rise above the clouds and soar into new possibilities. Let your pain inspire you to be a light to the world. Knowing and fulfilling your purpose in life requires living and walking your unique journey. Better to fail in your journey than to try to live another man or woman’s journey. We must not attempt to chase the paths set out for others; we must create our own roads and walk them as though we own them—because we do.

  Remember your strengths through struggles and keep your eyes on the possibilities, for it is our dreams that give us the courage to face the fires of life.

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