All the while, I am missing the point of what is going on.  I have to change my thinking to the belief that my higher power does not create negativity in my life for payback from past actions. These things are put in front of me because this is what life is about. Life is not all good and life is not all bad; if I didn’t know the bad, I couldn’t know the good, or the very least, I couldn’t appreciate it fully. I have to look at what is going on my life that is working and it’s a great time for me to look back to the very beginning of my journey in sobriety and see just how far I’ve come. I may not be brimming with a generous amount of gratitude but I can force myself to look at what I have to be grateful for. Just because the feel-good feelings did not happen in my time doesn’t mean they won’t happen.

I notice if I keep looking at things like “this is just so unfair!” or “why can’t I just catch a break?” life keeps happening and even the smallest things that do not go my way fuel my fire and exacerbate my situation. These are things that on a “normal” day do not bother me beyond a small bit of annoyance.  This is my higher power’s way of saying, “slow down, you are moving too fast!” Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake, even the things I do not care for. Through all of these seemingly hopeless situations, I have learned a great deal about myself and have been able to work out my “recovery muscle” to build the fortitude I will need to face the next situation that comes my way.

I just have to remember that this too shall pass and that as long as I do not take a drink or pick up a drug, I will be able to get through the situation that much stronger.

I know by helping others, sharing my experience strength and hope, and listening to my Higher Power I am able to feel and experience elation. I now walk through everyday life with a sense of happiness that was once lost. I found happiness again when I became a resident at Women in New Recovery. I was shown tools to live by and a program to follow. Soon the dark cloud over me began to clear. I was able to experience happiness on life’s terms, rather than spending my life seeking happiness through what I saw fit. Time, and time again my methods failed, but when I began to trust in a Higher Power I no longer sought happiness…I became happiness.

Through the program, I have a life that I can feel good about. I no longer have the world on my shoulders. Today, I can hold my head up high not because my ego is inflated, but because I take pride in myself now. This is what the 12 steps brought to me…a life of happiness rather than a life in search of happiness. Today, I no longer need a reason to be filled with joy my life brings me joy. Every time I help a new comer, sponsor someone, speak from the heart, or pick up the phone I know I am spreading that joy to another who wants happiness.

The promises are now a reality for me. I now know laughter, joy, freedom, and a new way of life. I have a family that can sit down and finish a whole meal without something flying across the table. My friends no longer have the need to check my purse for missing money. People call me for advice, and ask for support.  Telling on someone no longer means being a “snitch”, and paranoia isn’t involved. I can now walk into a room without knowing a single name, but after an hour I know their name, story, and heart. These are the promises coming true in my life, but the one I am most amazed by, is that if I listen to my Higher Power, and work a strong program that night I will lay my head down sober.

This is what I found… My quest for happiness was really a game of pin the tail on the donkey. All I wanted was to feel good, and consequently I only felt awful. I was blindfolded for years, but one day that blindfold came off. I began to see again. What I saw that day was a chance to live, and with that came happiness. I soon realized that happiness can never be found…happiness finds you, it is you. It was when I cleared the years of resentments, lies, pain, and anger I was able to just be happy. Not every day is easy, but today I know that is okay. I know this because I have trust in someone who is bigger than I can ever be, and they are looking out for me. I know that if I fight I will lose, just as I did before. I have surrendered to win, and each day sober is another match that I have beaten the odds, and to me that is something to be happy about.

Addiction pulled us far away from a Higher Power. It was only in times of distress that we asked for help. Once we became sober, sincerity flowed through our prayers. We soon came to realize that sobriety was not possible without the guidance of a Higher Power.

Our old form of prayer involved begging to get us out of situations, and empty promises. This soon changed to prayers filled with gratitude, and sincerity. We began to sincerely ask for ask for help from a Higher Power, and in doing so we saw the effects of Faith.  We came to realize that those who truly want freedom from addiction have to make the initial effort to get it. To continue on this path, we must follow the indications from a Higher Power.

Some of these indications involve work, and take strength. We soon came to realize that we have to do the footwork. Instances have come up, and will continue doing so, such as practicing faith in the presence of fear, admitting our wrongs, giving love in order to receive it etc. This new knowledge are instruments sent to us from our Higher Power in order to receive the help we asked for.

When a person sincerely asks for help from a Higher Power, it will be shown. The writing may not be on the wall, but it is written clear enough in The 12 Steps. These 12 steps is your Higher Power presenting you with the tools needed to complete your cry for help. When working a program your Higher Power will continue showing you the tools, and knowledge you need to remain sober, and free.

Words can be spoken easily, but it was only when sincerity came into the picture, that sobriety was accomplishable. Each day is a daily reprieve that is granted through keeping a conscious contract with a Higher Power, and following a program of recovery.

When a woman plants her first step on the property of WINR, it is perhaps the first honest step she has taken in quite some time. Having the privilege to witness honesty become a resident’s new way of life is compelling. Honesty is crucial in the program of recovery. Until a person is honest, they will never recover. This is why being able to experience honesty grasping a hold of a resident, is nothing short of a miracle. Those miracles happen in the rooms, and every day here at (WINR).

Honesty transforms a person; the reason being that there is no longer fear consuming the mind. When a person is dishonest it is because they fear the truth. They fear what may happen if the truth is discovered. Once that fear is gone a whole new mindset is developed.

Once fear subsides, and a person is capable of being honest in every aspect of life, there is no other way to describe it besides freeing.  There is nothing to hide from, there is nothing holding you down, or keeping you from moving forward. This feeling of being free is written all over the face of a resident once they have fully grasped the concept of being rigorously honest.

The tricky part of honesty is that you are the only person to hold yourself accountable. At times, you may be caught being dishonest, but the only person who knows the 100% truth is you It takes strength to be honest and, muster up the courage to put the ego aside and admit doing something wrong. Whether past or present, being honest can frighten a person. It might not be accomplished overnight. Honesty is a lifestyle and changing presents challenges. These challenges will be accomplished once you are honest with yourself. Step One is the to honesty.

The first truth you were asked to admit was suggested in step one. This was to admit you had become powerless of your addiction. For some, this was the most challenging part. If you found your way to the rooms, you soon began to recognize similarities between you and the others filling the chairs. This is that you, along with those surrounding you, had lost all the power. To admit powerlessness takes courage and to continue being honest throughout your life takes faith in a Higher Power.

Therefore, when all of this transpires for a resident here at Women in New Recovery it is a miracle. The miracle is this: A person has experienced that moment of clarity, and fought through all of their fears to gain a willingness to live again. These miracles continue to occur each day that is spent sober. Bits of light begin to peak out with each step that is accomplished. Then one day, the light switches on. Rather than shining on a resident, the light is the resident. This all is accomplished by grasping the concept of rigorous honesty and living out each day without fear. This is truly what it means to live free.

Before the program we gave bits and pieces of our self away, causing us to feel empty. To cure this emptiness we came up with our own cure. Whether it was a trip down the alcohol aisle or a collection of pills, with every dose it caused us to go emotionally hungry.

That hunger is gone now. With every day that we wake up sober we are able to fill up at the buffet of life. The program gave us an option…to live. When we chose to live, one by one each of our hats were tossed out. By throwing away we gained.

Every time a challenge is faced, the truth is told, or a bridge is rebuilt it is another helping of true fulfillment. As long as we work our program, and continue on the same path of recovery we can continue to replenish ourselves with all the helpings sobriety has to offer.

Today, we are aware of our choices. Living the steps, and staying abstinent from mind altering substances, we have the opportunity to make the right choice. We choose how to spend our time, and live our lives. Each day sober, means another day to replenish ourselves, and maintain the life we chose, desire and currently have. So, have another helping, by continuing to work all the steps, daily, and enjoy the life size portion sobriety has to offer.

The only thing a person needs to know about their higher power, is that they are not it! Plain and simple. As much as a person tries, and tries to control what will happen in the moments, hours, and days to come it is an impossible challenge to give oneself. When we first became sober we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. With that we also made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. As it is stated in the quote above, “Our program will not work for people who believe they are God.” So, don’t make a bad trade by trading faith for your ego. Remain centered in knowing that everything that happens is supposed to. Everything that may come as a struggle, will only allow you to then know the power and value of contentment. Delay your gratification by knowing that you are taken care of through a higher power that you turned your will and your life over to, and because of this…your sanity has been restored. Through the program we learned acceptance. What acceptance taught us is that nothing in Gods world happens by mistake. The moment this is grasped and understood, is the precise moment life is grasped and lived.

This is just another step forward in bringing awareness to Recovery, and reducing the stigma put on addicts, and alcoholics. With thousands of viewers watching, someone out there was watching their idol accept an award for an album describing his journey to recovery. While accepting this award the award winner was wearing a necklace representing him being in recovery.

Events such as these, is exactly what the world needs to witness to continue drawing attention to what recovery is, and what it takes to get there. Recoverymonth.gov posted a link to Grammys.com, which provided stories of artists who are in recovery, as well as resources. When high profile people make personal statements about what their struggle with addiction, it can impact countless people. So, when these events occurred it created a lot of talk in the world of recovery, as well as the world of music.

There are long lists of musicians that are willing to step out, and speak about their life in recovery. Now, it’s time to continue to use our voices along side of those in the media to keep this up. This is precisely what is needed to let the public know that addiction doesn’t mean your life is over. In fact to the contrary, your life could just be beginning.

When I stumbled upon this question it prompted me to think if I could pin point the day, time and place when addiction consumed my life. Not even consumed, but began to make an appearance. There certainly were events that made me want to change, (which I couldn’t do alone) or mornings that I said I will never do that again (which it took 10 years to actually never do that again.) What is uncertain however is when I became an addict…The precise moment in time.

After coming to the conclusion that I cannot pin point that moment, I started thinking of other impactful moments in my life. While reliving those moments, it inspired me to write everything down in a time line; From where I was 10 years ago to where I am today.  Hours later, a box of tissues, and the timeline of my life of the last 10 years staring right back at me I came to realize that every moment, good, bad, boring or exciting all flowed right into one another.

I remembered my reactions to events, my actions that caused specific events, and what events happened next due to those reactions and actions. Each of those moments only enhanced the flow which is my life to sail me into the next ocean of life lessons.

Lessons. I say that because after doing this exercise I decided one thing. That one thing is this…Each morning I want to wake up and learn. Every day will be a class, and the end of the day report card can be nothing but an A+.As people in Recovery we all became students and teachers at the same time. We learn from one another’s failures, and accomplishments. We teach one another how to love, let go, forgive and improve our lives by sharing our experience strength and hope. Lessons are being given to us each day, and if we are receptive, and aware of these lessons then we can give ourselves an A+. It is when we pass that course that we will flow into the next lesson.

Not a single glass of wine, pill, loaded syringe etc made us decide to become sober. They merely played a role in making the decision to desire a life of sobriety. All we can do is reflect on a specific experience and label it a turning point. As, each of these experiences played a significant role in our lives past and present, it guarantees us this…Another nudge towards a future of unlimited possibilities, along with the ability to gain more strength with every stumble. 

As a challenge, keep this in mind. Every day is a class. Be eager to learn, and pass the lesson. Make it a point to be the student over the teacher, unless someone is willing to learn.

Today, I find that for the young adult, it’s the beginning of their drinking career, and that is exactly what drinking has become. A career and frequent blackouts earn you a PhD in the industry. Laughter will follow after a story is started by saying “I can’t remember climbing on the roof pretending I was a Pterodactyl l, what happened?” Yes, someone thinking they were a dinosaur does have humor, but the cause and facts behind it are nothing but serious.

So, what is a blackout?

There are two different kinds of “black outs” which is not to be confused with “passing out.” When a person blacks out one of two things occurs.

First we have the “En bloc.” An En bloc blackout is classified when there is an inability to later recall any memory from the period in which the person was intoxicated. So, the next few days when everyone’s talking about what happened at that party, you won’t remember even when it’s prompted. During an En Bloc blackout a person can carry on conversations, be physically mobile, and in some cases may not even appear to others to be under sever intoxication. However, when the alcohol has left your system any relocation from the period you were intoxicated will be as if it never happened.

Second we have the more common, yet still dangerous “Fragmentary blackout.” This causes the intoxicated person to remember only certain events, and will not realize they are missing the memories until someone else brings it to their attention.

In other words both classifications are self induced amnesia. The long term memory effects to the brain are vast, and have the potential to permanently stunt the brain to create memories. Blackouts can happen for some when only a few drinks have been consumed. An extreme misconception is that only certain alcoholic drinks will cause blackouts. Really, it’s the rate and quantity that is being consumed.

So, for the fresh 21-year-old that just wants to party, don’t be fooled by thinking it’s just beer, and a shot. Many don’t know what they are drinking, and what the combination will potentially create inside of their body. What is known are the effects that will occur when this becomes a constant pattern. What that is, a brain that no longer functions to its full capacity and a potential for wet brain.

The poisonous person is a magnet for the Codependent, and the cycle of codependency is vicious, painful, and tiring. It is another addiction…an addiction to people. Understanding codependency is an eye-opening experience. Just as you found fellowships in the room of AA, NA, CA, etc. There are also fellowships for Co dependents known as CODA. You will once again get the reminder that you are not alone when battling the venom of another human being. Part of winning that battle is determining your part in it all. Anyone in recovery from drugs and alcohol has more than likely heard the term “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” This can be applied to relationships as well. Poisonous people come in all sorts of forms.

Some top runners are:

• The Liar: Never honest. Period. Not to you, themselves, or anyone they associate with. They fake everything. They will say your hair looks good really when it looks like a tragedy.
• The One Upper: These people will always have to outbid you on everything in life. If you can run three miles they can run four. They will never let you have your moment, without them sharing it.
• The Popper: These people pop any possibility, dream, or achievement you have. They will diminish your confidence faster than you can blink.

Codependent or not becoming involved with poisonous people is damaging, and all of these relationships become a chest game. What I mean by that is, the poisonous people we have allowed in our lives eventually figure out how you work, and make the relationship a game. The playing board: Your heart. This “game” can happen regardless if a person is codependent or not. Everyone has a natural competitive side, and whether you’re addicted to the person, the game, or both it is time to get out. Especially as a person in recovery. Just like battling an addiction with drugs or alcohol the only way you win is to surrender. You won’t win any other way. Plain and simple.

Yes, it’s painful and heartbreaking to let go of a person, sometimes even frightening, but you will only prolong the pain every time you are let down or put down. From personal experience I know this: Nothing can MAKE someone love me more. Trust me I tried. The only thing I gained was a load of resentment, and what I lost was time that I can’t ever get back. I believe it is hard to pull the plug on a person for this reason. You must come to terms that someone you love and care for, doesn’t love or care about you. So to avoid removing the toxicity from our lives, we try to make them care, by doing things, giving time, pretending to like football when we really hate it. Intern losing ourselves, and when we lose ourselves that’s when we lose everything important.

By doing this we devalue ourselves. Once a person feels worthless they don’t care, and not caring is what was going one while in our addiction. It is time for you to do a full analysis of who you choose to surround yourself with. Not making one single excuse… “But he was there when I was in my addiction and sent me to rehab, he really loves me.” “She was my best friend, and still hangs out with me sober.” “I did caused so much pain that, what I’m feeling couldn’t amount to what I caused” EXCUSE, EXCUSE, EXCUSE. Forget the past, and what DID happen. It’s about what’s happening now. How you are feeling at this exact moment, and what you will continue to feel if things don’t change. More importantly, what feeling you may try to numb, if the toxicity is still in your life.

Just because you no longer associate with a person who you once partied with, doesn’t mean that those you have in your life today are good. Poisonous people know the game, and they love it, because it makes them feel important. Each time you let them reenter into your valuable life you then give them the go ahead to walk out again without consequence. They know that you have made them the center of your world, and that they have gained power over your emotions.

These people are sick, and as a person in recovery you can no longer afford to have a sick person in your life. You are who you surround yourself with, if you are around a sick person, you will then develop the illness. This illness will show symptoms of resentment, dishonesty, control, chaos, manipulation. As I am sure you know, these are all high risk symptoms that will steer you away from success as a recovering addict alcoholic.

Constant chaos came along side of a life of active substance abuse addiction. When we put the drugs and alcohol down, living life without chaos is somewhat confusing. These poisonous people are the perfect way to bring that chaos back into our lives, and it happens almost subconsciously. It has been said “To be aware is to be alive” so become aware, fully aware of who is in your life today, why, and if they truly deserve to be there. Once again, with no excuses.

Anyone that you give your time to should deserve it, and earn it. Don’t diminish yourself, because you feel as if it is owed. Enhance your life in recovery by sharing it with those people who want you around, because as hard as it may be to grasp, some people just don’t. What they want is to feel important, and you help them to achieve that every time you put your feelings aside, and pave the pathway to walk right on over you. So, start paving your own pathway away from the poison, and toward those people and places that truly want, and will appreciate your time. Ready, set go. It’s your time.