JJ's Guide to Women & Happiness

Farm and House

2022-10-01T07:22:00.002-07:00

It has been a long time since I've updated with pictures, so I'll post a few. It has been a long, hard summer, with record-breaking heat and long days with no rain. Of course, this was the year we decided to expand our garden, I took on new work projects and we've still not finished our house and yard. Such is life.....an adventure.

First, some reminders of what the kitchen looked like when we bought this house. And the initial patch job just to be able to use the laundry room.

First was a new kitchen window (and throughout the house; the windows actually leaked water into the house when we hosed it down), then the demolition began.

And now to the progress of the new kitchen!!

First, some new walls and a new kitchen.

Then, some new flooring:

Cabinets, beginning to be built and put in place.

Countertops

Sink

Hood Vent

Backsplash and cooktop

Double ovens!

Trying to get everything put away.

All cleaned up and pretty.

Updates from Peaceful Cedars Farm

2021-05-01T08:44:00.001-07:00

New windows made a big difference!!

Healthy Sleep Habits

2021-05-01T08:32:00.001-07:00

I am an insomniac from way back. At one low point in my life, I don’t think I slept much for several days. If I knew then, what I know now, I would’ve taken different steps, because I don’t think I was thinking clearly after all that time without sleep.

I now sleep through most every night, except for the occasional too hot, too cold and having to empty my bladder (old lady problems). BUT and this is huge, I get back to sleep fairly easily.

I have helped countless patients, over the years, to improve their sleep habits. I have referred many to various articles. My husband suggested I write my own article, from a personal and professional perspective.

Most people who are having trouble sleeping are guilty of violating at least one of the healthy sleep recommendations. For many, they are reluctant to give them up (but the television helps me get to sleep, etc.) and I will try to address all the excuses and why it is important to give up the unhealthy habits.

Make your bedroom dark enough and cool enough
Keep your room clutter-free. Clutter can actually increase anxiety. Anxiety can interfere with sleep.
Set up a bedtime routine and try to do it about the same time every night. Wash your face, brush your teeth, do your nightly reading, praying or meditation. You are preparing yourself, physically and psychologically, to go to sleep.
Bed is for two things: sleeping and sex. Nothing else.
If you are having trouble with sleeping, do not read, watch television, text or surf while you are in bed.
Do not go to sleep with the television on.
Keep as many electronics out of your bedroom as is possible. If your cell phone is your only phone and you want to keep it in your bedroom for emergencies, turn off all other noise makers, especially texting and especially if you have friends who like to text in the middle of the night, just to talk. Let family/close friends know if they need to reach you for an emergency, they need to call. Yes, the same number they use to text they can use to call. If it’s not an emergency, it can keep until morning.
If you cannot sleep, (after a reasonable amount of time) get up out of the bed. Go read, listen to meditation. Try not to turn on the television.
Keep a worry journal. (will discuss later)
Make sure your bed partner has healthy sleep habits.

Recalculating

2017-11-07T11:17:00.001-08:00

Well......it's been a while since I've written anything and we've gone all over the place as to what we want to do with the property. It's hard because I love the house I live in now, I just don't love the location anymore. After much discussion, we are determined to move forward with moving into this house eventually and realizing our dream of becoming more self-sustaining and maybe having a small business in Lincoln County for the rest of our years. We just will need to hire more help than we had originally thought and will have to continuously re-adjust our timeline, plans and dreams for the future.

And here is a future art project

And another

And some random nature pictures

And a neighbor or two.

And Another Wall Bites the Dust

2017-09-28T04:38:00.002-07:00

This weekend we spent a good deal of time doing demolition. We made some good progress. We got the walls down from between the two bedrooms that will become our Master Bedroom.

This is a look at where you will enter the Master Suite, when we are finished.

This shows the end of it from the hallway perspective; these doorways will be closed in.

We got all the light fixtures down and put in temporary light. We have been trying to take out everything we know we will replace, that might be carrying dust and smoke.

We have a temporary bed (currently covered with a tarp) an inexpensive dresser (to keep our clothes a little cleaner) so we can spend the nights there and be able to get more done on the weekends.

We got a refrigerator and a washer/dryer in the house so we can eat and be somewhat functional, without having a huge pile of laundry, when we get back home after a weekend of working.

We spent some time also cutting down trees, the cedars that are too close to the house and a small shrub tree that was growing into the house. We also cut and burned a tree that was laying on its side.

From the distance, I spotted the color of these beautiful spider lilies, by the fence at the back of the yard.

These are pictures of Steve, with the pitch fork he found on the property.

Next some progress of cleaning up around the lean-to barn.

This is the pile, so far, of the junk left on the property that we need to haul away.

And the lawnmower that needs hauled away.

Steve set out some corn and a salt lick and then set up the game cam to see what comes by to have a snack.

Next, enjoy some random pictures of nature; here's to good mental health. I'll update you next week on more of our progress.

Stinky, stinky

2017-09-19T17:46:00.001-07:00

When we returned to the farm house a week later, it still stank of cigarette smoke. So, we spent the entire day, September 17, cleaning. Steve mopped the walls with a Bona Mop (get yours here) and vinegar, which our research told us was the best for getting out cigarette smell.

Next I burned some more sage. I also took a potpourri pot and lots of potpourri, with citrus, again to try and absorb the smell. We opened jars of Fresh Wave (get yours here)

I took lots of coffee beans and ground coffee and kept a pot brewing most of the day. I cleaned the cook top, oven and kitchen counter tops again

and Steve tackled the master bathroom. Just having a bar of Grandma's Soap in the bathroom made it smell oh so much better. You can buy yours here.

My sister came to visit and we walked the property, trying to identify trees and plants. Next weekend we hope to spend three days and set up a refrigerator, washer/dryer and bed so we can get more done.

Some Days are Hard

2017-09-10T16:01:00.001-07:00

Today was an emotional day as the reality set in as to how much work there is to be done. No matter how much I cleaned the kitchen, I could not get beyond the ick factor of how dirty it is. Steve said the kitchen smelled much better when he came in and that he thought I made more of a difference that I knew. The living room, however, still stinks of cigarette smoke and we've made a decision that the beams must go. They are fake beams, not in good shape, but they have absorbed too much cigarette smoke. The book cases on either side of the fireplace must also go. They are not in good shape and just scream "70's", if they were in better shape, we might consider up-dating, but, alas, we must say good bye. The jury is still out on the fireplace itself. If we can get it cleaned well enough it may get a white wash, part of it depends on how we decide to configure the house.

There were two shining moments. The first illustrated by this set of pictures, which shows how much difference a quick pressure wash can make.

Then, of course, we ended the day by walking the back of the property, to remind us of why we bought this place. Steve mowed a nice pathway about halfway to the back of it, including down to the pond and back to the lean-to building.

Next, just a few pictures of the flowers, bushes, which have all been badly neglected.

The garage looks better than I expected; though still a looooong way to go to clean.

But one of the most important things: DJ had so much fun on the newly-mowed path.

Until next time:

Day One of DEMO

2017-09-09T18:27:00.003-07:00

Loaded up the pickup truck, took the dog to get a booster to protect him from "country" fleas and ticks, stopped by A Cleaner Place to get a vacuum cleaner and more cleaning supplies and headed to Chandler, bright and early this morning. On the way, got a text from a friend that she was available if we needed any help. Uh, yes, thank you. How good a friend is that?

So, we burned some sage to cleanse the air

Then I went to work on cleaning; just so we could use the kitchen while we work on the house. The sink, the oven, the cook top, how could they be so dirty??

Did I get them clean; no. But they are better and I will keep working. We needed a break and needed to be reminded why we bought this property, so we decided to go for a walk on the back of the property; good decision.

At the end of the day, we accomplished two out of three of our goals: carpet removed and curtains, blinds removed. We worked on a few things not on the list and did not get the outside pressure washed, but we are going back tomorrow and were pleased with our progress.

AND We've Closed

2017-09-09T05:15:00.000-07:00

Despite a last minute hitch over the language in our insurance policy, we closed, as scheduled. We did our final walk through and everything was as it should be. This poor house and property; it has been neglected in every way. Hubby and I discussed why this happens; no conclusions, just speculation. We felt a little better about the low appraisal, because it is clear that everything needs, cleaned, repaired or replaced. After we left the house, I found fleas hopping off me. Welcome to country living.

After we closed, we headed to Atwoods to get bug bombs to set off in the house. Normally I'm opposed to such chemicals, but it has to be me or the fleas and I'm staying, so the fleas must go. We then stopped by a friend's counseling office and talked about ways we might collaborate on some projects. Then back to the farm (we still don't have a name) to take pictures, survey what needs to be done (first) and take more pictures.

On today's agenda: pull out all the carpet, drapes, window blinds and shades and pressure wash the outside of the house, random pruning and trimming and general clean-up.

And the S____ Gets Real

2017-09-08T04:05:00.001-07:00

When you go to the bank and get the cashier's check to take to the title company, you know it is real and you are buying a property! Goats, chickens, guinea foul, more cats and more dogs! Greenhouses to build, gardens to plant, a house to remodel. All while working, commuting and getting a house ready to sell. Yeah, it's getting real.

Today is closing day. I got a lot more sleep than I thought I would. After many days of lengthy discussions about what we will do, how we will manage and what all of our contingency plans will be, I think I am at peace with our decision. At 3:30 today we will do a final walk through with our realtor, Carl, who has been wonderful through it all. At 4:00 p.m. today we will hand over the check and sign all the paperwork. Then off to the farm to begin our adventure. I hope you enjoy the ride!

Let the Farm Fun Begin

2017-09-06T03:55:00.000-07:00

I was almost too afraid to post that it would happen. We hit a couple of snags along the way and found out the house needed some foundation repair. BUT, after a slight negotiation of the price, we landed on a fair deal. We did not get a steal on the property, but it is a good deal. So....closing date is set for August 8.

We have drawn and re-drawn the house and the renovations we want to make. We finally decided we needed to stop until we actually got there, to see where everything is, before we make decisions. We know there is a lot of clean up to do on the house and the property, so we will start with that.

What should we name the place? Should we focus on the home part or the farm part, which will ultimately sustain us and hopefully make us some retirement money? We are all over the place. We are scared. I know we can do whatever we set out minds to do, but the problem is, we keep waffling on the direction we want to go. We will post hundreds of pictures, not all of them will be pretty. LOL!!

Moving to the Country

2017-08-07T07:46:00.000-07:00

We are buying a house and eight acres in the country! Yes, I have lived in the country before, but never quite like this. Over two miles down a dirt road (yes, I know it's mostly gravel, but we still call them dirt roads.) Every day I want to leave my house that's about five miles driving on a dirt road, to get anywhere! WHEH! What was I thinking.

I was thinking about the peace and tranquility, land that is mine, chickens to have, goats to have, endless garden space, wild blackberries, space to roam. I am thinking I'm getting back to my roots, back to my tribe and I will love it.

Five miles of dirt roads always stopped me before. But today, in order to get something affordable, where I can have time to actually spend on my property, this is what I can have. This is what I want, this is my destiny. We have a lot of work to do, but we have a plan and we believe we are up for the challenge!!

These are the quick pictures I took as we were doing our final tour of the house. I promise some better pictures as our journey unfolds. I would love to hear about your farming adventures, changes in lifestyle and how you've found peace and tranquility.

New Way of Living

2017-02-04T06:45:00.002-08:00

Check out my new post on my recipe blog http://jjsfavrecipes.blogspot.com/2017/02/new-way-of-living.html

Licensed Counseling Professionals and Our Responsibility

2016-10-04T03:55:00.000-07:00

Do you think fudging on the time you spent with a client is an innocent mistake? It is not. I am always saddened when I hear of a licensed counselor being charged with fraud. We, as therapists, are entrusted with helping people when they are their most vulnerable. It is our responsibility to know what we are doing, and that includes billing.

If you think a billing system is too complicated, hire someone to do it and keep an eye on them. Or go to work for a reputable agency and keep an eye on the billing. Are you getting the point here? If you have the license it is YOUR responsibility to understand what you are doing. You can hire other people to do things, but it is still your responsibility to know what they are doing under your license.

I have supervised people who are trying to get their license and they have been depending upon someone else to tell them what they can and cannot do. They have never read the licensing laws. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, what we do as licensed people is governed by law. The board of directors, for our licenses, enforces, approves, but the law guides what they do.

Those who know me well might say I am impatient, I am rigid, and that I don’t suffer fools gladly. They are right about all of the above when it comes to my profession. If you are going to share my profession then it is your responsibility to carry it well and not give the rest of us a bad name. It is your responsibility to be competent, to practice within your “scope of practice” (don’t know what that is, then look it up), to consult with others when in doubt, to get legal advice if you go into private practice, to always treat clients with dignity and respect. It is also your responsibility to know what you are agreeing to when you accept a contract to provide services and to know very clearly how to bill for and how to get paid for said services.

I am sickened and saddened when I hear about fraud or mistreatment of clients. I am further out-raged when I hear a therapist claim ignorance. You at least have a master’s degree if you are a licensed therapist; I don’t know what the others learned, but I learned most of this in school.

Addiction Treatment

2016-02-15T03:35:00.000-08:00

Someone recently asked me about the Medical Model of Addictions versus the 12-Step Model. I asked them to give me some time to ponder. After going to school to get a Master's Degree in Counseling Psychology and over 30 years in the addiction field, it is hard to answer that question easily or quickly. I will say that my views and practices have certainly evolved over the past 30 years.

I believe in the 12 steps for recovery from addictions. I think the belief you can be "cured" is dangerous. But the critics say believing you can't be cured is discouraging. That said, I do not believe one size fits all. A thorough evaluation and individualized plan is what is considered "Best Practices" today. Not everybody needs inpatient and not everybody benefits from 12-step meetings; although I usually recommend twelve step meetings and explore reasons why, if someone is resistant. My favorite expert, Dr. Mee-Lee is at UC-Davis. The link is for his blog. https://www.changecompanies.net/blogs/tipsntopics/

Why do I think that the idea you can be "cured" is dangerous? Because it assumes the addict is just like everybody else. There is evidence that the brain of addicts is different, thereby making this a brain disease, and yes, it is a disease. Alcohol and other mind-altering chemicals react differently in an addict's brain. Yes, with therapy, medication, program of recovery, things can get better. My question is always, "Why would you want to take that risk (try to drink alcohol or take other drugs "socially") with something that has caused you so much pain, caused you to lose so much?" (insert whatever consequences the addict has suffered.)

Discussion to Be Continued

Politics Make Me Sad

2015-07-16T03:59:00.000-07:00

I try not to become disillusioned with our country and what’s going on, but it gets harder and harder. Forces beyond my control are making us more and more divided. I still believe that the answer to many of our trouble is to figure out a way to get along, work together for solutions that are good for all of us. However, we are so far apart I don’t know if that is possible.

One of my biggest issues is when politicians use something that has happened (and seriously twist the facts) to further divide us. A recent example: the case of the “Little Sisters of the Poor.” A group brought the lawsuit on behalf of the nuns and religious schools, yet, a Republican lawmaker said on Facebook, “The Administration has taken the "Little Sisters of the Poor," a group of Nuns who care for the needy in the community, to court to compel them to buy birth control (which violates their religious belief) or pay a huge IRS fine which will devestate (their misspelling, not mine) the ministry.” This resulted in countless people rallying behind him and his conservative agenda, not bothering to read the facts of the lawsuit.

I know there are examples on the other side, too, but this one was fresh in my mind because I just saw it. I don’t want to dwell on the specifics of politics because I think there are problems on both sides of the fence, and as you might guess I am a liberal. But both sides go too far. Both sides are guilty of using the mistakes and missteps of the other side to further their agenda. Yes, yes, I know that’s what politics are all about. Are we really willing to let that destroy us? Are we not still the greatest nation on earth? Are we not still your best hope to live the life you want with opportunities that are found no other place? Are we not still proud of the brave men and women who fight for our freedom every day? Let’s all work together to make sure those men and women are still proud to fight for us.

Purging Clutter

2015-07-10T17:03:00.002-07:00

I have begun a purge. I felt compelled to buy a book called, The life-changing magic of tidying up. I hadn't read 10 pages until I purged two large trash bags full of clothes and scarves.

I am not sure where this purge will lead me, but I am excited to find out. The people who know me, know that I am frugal. I love to re-purpose, I love to recycle, I love to find new uses for old things. But I was feeling stressed all the time. Feeling like I never got caught up, like I never got things cleaned up, like I never got to the things that I enjoy doing. I felt unhappy and sad. So, I started the purge.

Today when I got to work, I continued the purge in my office. This is more challenging, because there are lots of things I need to keep. But there are lots of things I don't. I threw away, filed away, cleaned and tidied my office. It felt good to leave on Friday afternoon with a clean (er) office.

I continued at home, still working on my closet. More came out.

Cute hair accessories, old nail polish, cute vintage Samsonite luggage,

purses, etc. etc. As I sat down for a popcorn snack, I went through magazine clippings of recipes I wanted to try and purged more. (As I'm purging, I'm adding more recipes to my recipe blog, check it out here.)

I am planning to continue all this weekend, at least Saturday. It feels good. It feels fresh. I am not sure what else I will change after finishing the book, but am excited to see. I am hoping to purge lots of negative thoughts in the process. More to be revealed....

Blessed Beyond Belief

2015-06-26T10:08:00.000-07:00

I have been blessed, beyond belief, to have encountered, loved, counseled and learned from people from all walks of life. I have had my own beliefs challenged, my tolerances stretched and my mind opened beyond my pre-conceived stereotypes and prejudices. For all of this, I am grateful.

I love learning about different cultures, different faiths, different lifestyles and just learning from people how very different their struggles have been from mine. Some of my beliefs from childhood I have embraced and some I have been ashamed of, but all of them have made me the person I am today, imperfect in every way but still trying to get it right.

I imagine a world where we would embrace our differences and use our unique talents to figure out how to all live together, rather than trying to be intentionally hurtful in the name of "that's what I believe." I know what my beliefs are, but I would never be so pompous as to pretend I speak for God or interpret for another what God's word means for another's life, I can only do that for myself.

I have very strong opinions about things, but mostly in the arena of being the champion for the underdog or working to get people to live together peacefully. I try very hard not to express opinions that could be hurtful to others, but, again, am not perfect in doing so.

Let's all try to reach out and touch someone, give a helping hand, find some common ground. I'm guessing we could all have more peace.

So busy I forget about the people

2015-05-28T09:53:00.002-07:00

I like a clean house. I like to cook from scratch (and by scratch I mean no packets, no mixes, as close to whole food as I can get). I like to find interesting items at Estate Sales, Garage Sales, Thrift Stores, etc and re-purpose them into something really cool. I see craft items (mostly jewelry these days) online or in a store and I think: “I can make that.” I love to have a house that people walk into and say, “This looks like something from a magazine.” I like to grow herbs and vegetables and beautiful flowers.

For various reasons, many with psychological origins and some I’ve spent years in therapy trying to resolve, I am some manner of obsessed with making sure these things happen. Well, did I mention I have a full-time job, own a retail store with my husband and try to pack as much knowledge in my head on various subjects on a daily basis???

So, here’s my problem, I work so hard at making my house comfortable, my yard beautiful and making sure I don’t spend a penny more on anything than I need to, that I forget about one thing: people. Yes, sometimes I am so busy making sure everything is perfect for my party, my guests, and my friends and family that I forget to enjoy the people.

I am independent, sometimes fiercely so. I enjoy time to myself. I enjoy getting my projects caught up. So much so, that I forget how filled up I get by spending quality time with family and friends. Do you have this need to be perfect? If so, how do you deal with it?

Orlando, EAPA, Disney and Kennedy Space Center: A contrast of experiences

2014-10-18T04:06:00.003-07:00

I just got back from spending a week in Orlando; quite the contrast in experiences. First I was there for the EAPA (Employee Assistance Professionals Association) World Conference. Amazing Conference, in part because they have speakers from around the world and I love the Employee Assistance World. It rained every day during the conference, probably a good thing because there was no reason to be tempted to hang out by the pool. For personal health reasons I wasn’t able to attend the last evening experience, to volunteer at the “Give the Children the World” Village. I’m guessing that would have been life-changing.

After the conference was over, I polled friends and family and my husband and I decided to go to Epcot Center. We opted to take the hotel bus, to avoid walking so far before we got in and to save the $17 in parking. I thought $220 for admission was enough to give Disney before we ever got in. It was still a very long walk from where the bus let us off and where we had to return to get back on the bus. At the end of the day, I had a good time and bought some interesting items in the Italian, French, German and Canadian stores. I was disappointed that many of those stores and a HUGE amount of Disney items were made in China. I avoided those as much as possible. We took a couple of boat tours and saw a couple of interesting short films (still don’t know why they make you stand up to watch these, though).

What I did not like: the decadence: the high price to get in, the lack of anyone inside or outside the gate to greet you, to hand you a brochure, to tell you where everything is. I felt let down. Sorta like “we have your money now we don’t really care." Once further inside there were some very nice and very helpful people, but it is a bit overwhelming when you first enter.

I did not like the crowds. I did not like the insanely high price you paid for anything to eat or drink. I did not like seeing so many children who didn’t seem to be having a good time because they were being dragged around, seemingly beyond their tolerance level, probably because their parents wanted to get their money’s worth before leaving the park.

I did not like the lack of signage. I’m sure there were some very cool exhibits that we missed simply because we couldn’t figure out what was there and just decided to move on because we were getting weary of the walking and the crowds.

Next day we decided to go to the Kennedy Space Center Visitor Complex. What a difference. From the people who re-directed us to go to another line, where there wasn’t as long a wait, to the people whom we bought tickets from and gave us maps and explained everything to us, to the lady at the food window who offered that I could buy the child’s meal if I wanted to; everybody was nicer, calmer, proud of what they were doing and where they were.

The music playing caused me to have a sense of pride and awe. I loved the I MAX movie about the space station and all the cooperation between countries to get it done. (Wouldn’t it be nice if we could cooperate like that on everything?) I loved the fact that it seemed as though I could reach out and touch the controls on the space station when I was watching in 3D. I loved seeing space through the Hubble Telescope's Eyes (another I MAX 3D movie we saw while there).

I love the fact that the visitor’s center is self-sustaining. It was exciting and refreshing to see the “rocket garden” and see how far we’ve come in the space program.

We loved getting our picture taken with the ‘astronaut’. I have no idea who was in that space suit and I really don’t care. It was a fun and exciting day and it made me wish I had not spent any money at Disney and had spent another day exploring the rest of what there was to offer at the Kennedy Space Visitor's Center. I think it a shame how many families come to the Orlando area and how few take their children to something so historic and magnificent. But to steal from Dennis Miller, “That’s just my opinion and I could be wrong.”

Are Credentials Important?

2014-06-03T04:51:00.000-07:00

Are credentials not important anymore? I recently was doing some research for a presentation and came across an article that made some interesting points. As I have learned to do with articles I find online I probed further to find the background of the person writing the article. It seems her only credentials were that she had written other articles. Not to belittle the research that a writer does, but do we no longer care if someone is educated on a particular topic?

While I have been interested in essential oils and what they will/can do for people; when I started to recommend them professionally and sell them in our retail store, I took some courses and got certified in Aromatherapy. Just a certificate, but I did the work.

When I decided I wanted to help people who were having emotional issues related to their handling of money and vice versa, I took some courses and got certified as a Credit Counselor. That way, I felt more comfortable in combining my mental health/substance abuse counseling with budgeting and looking at what my client’s relationship with money has been.

Since I have begun working as an Employee Assistance Professional, I have taken webinars, gone to conferences and begun the process of becoming a Certified Employee Assistance Professional. My mental health/substance abuse licenses would have sufficed, but if this is what I will be doing full-time, I want to be well-armed with knowledge.

If I write, advise, suggest something from my “hobby” world, i.e. cooking, making jewelry, growing herbs, I make the disclaimer that I do that as a hobby. Anything else I write about, present about, I make sure I have proper education, knowledge, license, certification to do so. But that’s just me. If you want to get your information from someone who sells the product, wrote an article, without doing their homework, that’s up to you.

Civility in the Workplace

2013-11-29T05:44:00.001-08:00

Bullying is a very complicated issue. We have seen it in the news lately with the Miami Dolphins suspended a player who was accused of bullying. Most people are aware that it goes on, most people believe it is a problem and a good deal of people are unsure what to do about it. Most companies or agencies have some of the same issues as any other workplace and each has some unique challenges. Regardless of what is going on, what I believe and what we know does and does not work in addressing these issues, they are not easily solved. It is my goal to give you some statistics, share some ideas and hear about some of your challenges. What I hope you will leave here with are some things to think about. Think about what’s going on in your workplace, how do you contribute to it, how do you work toward solutions and what new things can you try.

68% of employers surveyed think bullying is a problem

9% of Targets think Management view bullying as a significant problem

76% of Targets think Management sees Bullying as IRRELEVANT

http://www.workplacebullying.org/

Bullying in general is not illegal in the U.S. unless it involves harassment based on race/color, religion, national origin, sex, age (over 40), marital status, disability, sexual orientation/gender identity, Veteran/military status or any other protected class.

What can we do?

• Educate Employees on Professional & Respectful Behavior & Company Code of Conduct

• Have Clear Policies that have zero-tolerance and anti-bullying guidelines

• Train Supervisors about how to intervene

• Encourage witnesses to report any incidents immediately.

Kathleen Bartle, Conflict Consultant, Kathleenbartle.com, says:

Bullying and abrasive behaviors are deep-seated problems. Many behaviors are unconscious. Most aggressors are unaware of what they are doing. Even those who seem to be deliberately choosing a target for bullying behavior may not realize how aggressive they are. Without a full intervention by a qualified conflict expert you should expect that the behavior will continue. So, what about dismissal?

My recommendation is that you should not dismiss someone for behaving in an aggressive or bullying manner until you have had an intervention that has some likelihood of success. Warning, ignoring, cajoling, etc. are not among them. You need a good investigation and evaluation of the situation. You need a model for evaluating the aggression that takes into consideration various factors including: the culture of the organization, character disorders, poor management styles, biases and prejudices of the aggressor, and awareness of how the behavior is described by the aggressor. Without this information you can expect to have a problem that will fester until someone is fired, quits, hurts him or herself, or someone files a lawsuit.

Difficult Employees: How to Manage

2013-10-04T07:42:00.000-07:00

What do you consider the most important quality in a manger who successfully manages employees, especially the difficult ones? I believe role modeling healthy behavior is a key component in every successful manager’s repertoire.

There are lots of examples of problem employees. Two books I would definitely recommend on the subject are Managing Difficult People by Marilyn Pincus and Managing Government Employees by Stewart Liff. Getting to know your employees, knowing what their strengths and weaknesses are, treating each employee as an individual and knowing how to balance motivating your employees and advocating for them are all a part of successful management.

Let’s look at role modeling healthy behavior and each of these components as it deals with problem employees. If you act out when you don’t get your way, if you collude with your employees against your boss or the company, if you lose your temper and communicate in inappropriate ways, then you are not role modeling healthy behavior. I have been appalled at how many employees, I supervised, were afraid to talk to me because they had a former supervisor who yelled at them on a regular basis. If this is you, then your quest in learning to deal with employees needs to start with you dealing with your own issues.

Anybody who has ever supervised has probably encountered the brilliant employee who can deal with, fix, figure out, network like no other employee you have ever had. We have also had that same employee with such a bad habit that it keeps us awake at night. Do you get rid of that employee? Probably not, but you may need to figure out a way to deal with him/her so that you don’t lose the rest of your employees. This is where treating each as an individual comes in.

Depending on your company, agency or set-up, there are usually certain guidelines which each employee has to abide by. Aside from those, there is usually lots of room to be creative and find out what perks fit for each employee, what motivates each employee and what is an acceptable level of performance, quota, behavior, separately but equally.

If you have a difficult employee, or two, I encourage you to check out the books I have mentioned and try to implement some of the ideas I have shared. I wish you success.

Holiday Spending Tips

2013-10-02T03:09:00.000-07:00

I work as a counselor and see Employee Assistance clients. One of the things I offer is help with finances. Tough economic times, tight finances and difficulty managing money can have an effect on your overall well-being.

With the holiday season just around the corner, I wanted to offer some tips to keep from going into debt or further into debt with holiday spending.

· Spend Within Your Plan

· Plan Your Shopping

· Shop With a Buddy

· Scrutinize Your Gift List

· Look For Alternatives

· Go Debit

· Pay Bills Early

· Start Your Shopping List for Next Year

If your finances are already out of control, you might want to get your spending under control. The first thing you might want to do is track your spending. You can do the envelope system, keep it on paper, much like a check register or use one of the many apps available.

Next you want to develop a Spending Plan. Karen McCall, in her book, Financial Recovery, introduced me to the concept of a Spending Plan. She likes this term instead of a budget, because it offers you freedom. With a budget, some people feel too constricted, like someone else is deciding for them. With a spending plan, you decide how you will spend your money. If you have financial goals, you can set your spending plan so that you can reach those goals.

If you need help with getting your finances in order, you can visit Consumer Credit Counseling’s website, talk to your CPA or Financial Planner.

Track your spending, figure out where your money is going and then develop a plan so that your money goes where you want it to go. This is a tough thing to do, but it is necessary so that you can achieve some control and freedom over your finances.

Once you have tracked your spending you can establish that spending plan, including how much you have to spend on holiday gifts, parties, decorating, etc. You either want to keep from accumulating debt and/or keep your debt down. Start now, setting aside cash in an account to cover your holiday spending.

Spend within your plan. Sticking with a spending plan is hard. Allow yourself some wiggle room, but set limits, and decide a dollar amount that you won’t go over in spending.

If you are going shopping, start with a plan: where you will go, what you are shopping for; maybe even do some comparison shopping online or over the phone.

When shopping, go with someone else. Someone else can often be the voice of reason and help you to avoid over-spending.

Revamp your gift policy, especially for the people over 21. Does everyone need a present? Are there alternatives? Don’t be afraid to bring this up because others may be under the same pressure you are and may be trying to keep spending in check.

Think about drawing names, setting a spending limit. Do you have a talent and can you make gifts for people on your list? These are often welcomed because you may have a talent that they don’t have. Some examples are Cooking, woodwork, crafting, etc. Suggest to a close friend that you don’t exchange gifts, but wait until after the first of the year and do something special together. This will be especially welcome if it is something both of you want to do but are on tight spending plans. Are there second-hand alternatives for gifts? Things like a family heirloom, a refurbished antique piece? Let your imagination take you a creative place.

Go Debit: By using your debit card, you avoid carrying around cash and you avoid incurring debt. Be sure to stick to your limits and track what you spend so that you don’t spend the mortgage money that will be withdrawn from your account at a later date. You want to avoid any overdraft charges.

Start your shopping list for next year early so that you can watch for good deals all year round.

If you have used your credit cards, pay the bills as soon as they come in, if possible. If not, pay as much as you can and put it in your spending plan to avoid other non-necessities until those holiday bills are paid.

I have mentioned Financial Recovery. Another good book on this subject is Spent by Sally Palaian.

HOW ARE FINANCES RELATED TO SOMEONE’S OVERALL WELL-BEING?

We know that finances and emotions can be closely tied. The Substance Abuse & Mental Health services administration has put out a publication “Getting through Tough Economic Times” complete with

· Possible health risks

· Warning Signs

· Managing Stress

· Getting Help and

· Suicide Warning Signs

Studies also suggest that sad people make poorer financial decisions. If you recycle through getting in and out of debt, it may be time to work with someone on looking at your Relationship with Money.

Whatever your issues with money are, the best thing is to start. Start looking at how you spend your money, whether or not you make enough money to pay for your obligations and whether or not you can adjust what your “necessities” are. Use the resources we have talked about or enlist the help of a trusted friend or family member. Start gaining freedom over your finances today.

My Opinion on Homosexuality and Gay Marriage

2012-08-02T03:58:00.000-07:00

I usually keep quiet on political issues. I do this for several reasons. The most important reason is I just don’t like political debate and I tend to have intolerance for those with differing political views. The secondary reason is what I do for a living: it is important to keep neutral so that people will feel comfortable, either in a therapy session or in our retail store, no matter what their beliefs , lifestyle or sins happen to be.

However, I can no longer keep quiet. What my opinions are may not be popular in Oklahoma and beyond. Those who know me well, however, know that I am not known for saying what’s popular or for keeping my opinions to myself.

If I thought that I ever benefitted from someone believing that I agreed with their beliefs that potentially discriminate against people whom I hold near and dear, I could not live with myself. So, here are my opinions about homosexuality, gay marriage and businesses that publicly espouse ideas that feed hatred and discrimination.

First of all, if you are against gay marriage, then I suggest you do not marry a gay person. I see no reason to take that much of a stand on the issue, except to say, I can’t imagine an argument against a loving committed partner in a relationship being entitled to the legal status that comes with being married. I invite anyone to tell me how this could affect me negatively.

I do support freedom of speech. When that freedom invites others to be divisive, hateful and promote discrimination, then I will not support the business that espouses that hate.

I am a Christian, though at times I question whether Christian beliefs fit with my view of the world. I am no Bible scholar, so I offer the article by someone who is. “What the New Testament Says about Homosexuality” http://www.westarinstitute.org/Periodicals/4R_Articles/homosexuality.html. Read if you care to, I believe it offers a learned opinion on the subject.

I believe being a Christian means being loving and kind, even to those who have beliefs that differ from mine. I believe it means supporting others who are loving and kind. In my opinion, gay marriage supports this.

If you believe that gay people are diabolical and evil, then you do not know the gay couples that I know, some of whom are the best parents I’ve ever encountered. That may not have given birth to those children, but they do something, that in some ways is nobler, they are foster parents and adoptive parents to children whose birth parents have abused, abandoned or given up on them. If you believe that gay people need God’s intervention, then pray for them. Ask for God’s will to be done and then leave it in God’s hands. That is what I will do for those who promote hatred of any of God’s children.