Women's Marriage Ministry

BlissDom'11 Conference

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 9 Nov 2010 18:12:00 -0500

I am so excited! I want to go to BlissDom'11! I opened up an email this afternoon that read, "Want to go to BlissDom Conference for Free?" Yes, yes, yes! What is Blissdom'11, you ask? Check out the short video:

BlissDom Conference 2010 from Blissful Media Group on Vimeo.

If you are cheating & didn't watch the video, BlissDom is a conference for empowering women with the momentum & tools necessary to claim your passion & pursue your goals with fiery confidence. They have workshops that are designed around your specific needs & desires. It is the ultimate networking event for blogging mommas.

I actually first found out about this conference last year, but it was too late for me to make arrangements. This year, the only way that I will be going is by winning one of the prizes or by an act of God. But, I am not going to let that get me down.

I absolutely LOVE blogging & to have the opportunity to be away, away from distractions, with other people that love doing the same thing that I do, that "get" why I do it, to learn, to grow, to share, to make new friends, etc. etc. would be incredibly A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. I would be so blessed to attend this conference. Hopefully I will see you all there! :)

Now I know that many of you are bloggers as well so:

1. Have you been to BlissDom in the past?
2. Have you attended another blogging conference? (If so, which one?)
3. Will I meet you at BlissDom'11?

Abby's Wish

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 17 May 2010 10:19:00 -0400

Brent RiggsWhat can I say about him? He has been an absolutely AMAZING friend to both Adam & I. His words, love, faith, understanding, patience, time, friendship, help, & genuine selflessness has been a true blessing to me & to my family. He is one of those TRUE friends that won't let you get away with anything. Brent honestly has kicked me in the rump a few times. Knowing Brent has helped to make me who I am today & who I am growing into.

Brent's family needs all of our help. Sending all of you his way is really the least that I can do. Be careful, he just may start changing YOUR life too!

Please check out: Abby's Wish

It would really mean the world to me. ♥

Are You a Damaged Good?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 12:23:00 -0400

I am so happy to be posting. I have been looking forward to it. I really miss having the time, freedom, & opportunity to post every day. Maybe again someday.... I hesitate to share what I have decided for my posting schedule because every time that I do, I change it. LOL I think for right now, I am going to blog about whatever our church sermon was about that Sunday. I am finding myself taking more & more notes & I want to share that with all of you. In addition, I will probably post a marriage specific post once a week. I may write it myself, or I may repost from another marriage blogger. I am going to start there & see how things go. I am thankful that even in my personal struggle, the Lord can use me to reach all of you. Praise God. (But really Lord, enough of the personal struggle. LOL)

The series that our church is working on right now is, Damaged Goods. Do you consider yourself to be a damaged good? I think that we all do to some degree. I wanted to take a photo of the back drop of the stage & I am not sure why exactly I left without doing it. It was beautiful & amazing. It contained about 40 different pieces of cardboard from old boxes. Each piece had a word written on it. Some in black sharpie & some spray painted. Words that we would use to describe ourselves. I will never remember all 40 words but I will give you some of the ones that I would have to use to describe me or my past.

Photo added after initial post -

Abandoned - Drugs - Control Freak - Depression - Separated - Profanity

There were plenty of other words to choose from as well. Such as, suicidal, cutter, whore, rape, violence, cheater, abuser, alcohol, pornography, liar, gambler, felon, etc. If you could choose all of the words that describe who your are now or who your once were, what would they be? Be honest with yourself. If it makes you feel better, share them with us. I did. Church staff wore t-shirts last week during service with their words displayed. How powerful?! Can you imagine wearing your dirty laundry in public, & to church no less?

We are ALL some of these words. Even our pastors, best friends, parents, spouses, children, etc. are ALL some of these words. The point is that you are not defined by these words. You are not defined by your past. You WERE this person, that doesn't mean it is who you ARE. Even if you WERE this person 5 minutes ago, you CAN change. You could put all of that in your past. Right now! Your DENT does not determine your iDENTity.

We all have people in our lives that try to keep us in the past. People that ignore all of the good that we are doing in our lives to change. People that just want to remind us of all of the bad that we have done. It makes it hard for us to believe that we are "worth it". Well, the Lord purchased us for a purpose & the damage that has been done to us hasn't discounted the price that was paid for us. We are ALL WORTH IT!

Someone recently said to me, "You could only forgive a person so many times." Well, that really isn't true is it? Does the Lord say, "Enough is enough. I have forgiven you plenty of times & you keep screwing up. Sorry, I am done with you!" NO! He forgives us over & over again. We keep screwing up & often times even slap the Lord in the face with our clear disobedience to His will. Even though He sent His son to die for us. He never stops loving us & forgiving us. If we are to be Christ-like, shouldn't we forgive over & over again? Regardless of the cost? Surely the cost is never as high as sending your own son to die.

So, just like we have people in our lives who want to remind us of all the bad that we do or have done.....we have been that person to others at times as well. Who have you done it to? Your spouse? Your kids? You have been GIVEN grace & forgiveness by the Lord, but are you making others EARN it from you? I have been guilty of this. I suspect that we all have.

I posted on Facebook & Twitter today a statement that Pastor Jeff made that really pressed on my heart. It is something that I have been thinking a lot about lately. As many of you know, I am working in a restaurant right now. If you have ever had this position, you know that the back of a restaurant is not a place where you hear much about the Lord. I have been wondering what the Lord wants me to do with this situation. I haven't quite figured all of that out yet, which is why it has been on my mind so much.

However, something really cool happened to me this week. I was talking with several people & they were discussing how frustrating it is that certain people get all dressed up on Sunday, go to church, & call themselves Christian. They, like many people in the world, have a very bad taste for "Christians". Conversation turned a little inappropriate & someone looked at me & told me to cover my ears because I am a good Christian girl. I am not allowed to wear my cross at work (no jewelry except for wedding rings & small earrings) so I wasn't sure how he knew this about me. I have not gone around preaching....just yet. LOL As it turns out, he has seen my Facebook page & all of my scripture posts & motivational phrases. While not a "fan" of Christians as a whole, he told me that he respects me for my beliefs & how I carry myself. He hadn't seen anything in me to go against what I had been posting about. That was an amazing compliment to me because being a good Christian girl in this environment is similar to being the unpopular girl.

Some of us have been trying to get people to believe in the Lord for what seems like forever. What if they finally accept the Lord & then they see us slap the Lord in the face with our purposeful disobedience? What if we are model Christians & then when the going is tough, we quit on the Lord, even just a little? What if they have heard us "preaching" & then we don't follow everything that we have said ourselves when we have given advice? It is OUR fault that these people feel the way that they do. We have all done it. I've done it. We have all turned someone off of the Lord. Maybe we didn't know it & maybe we never will. We have to stop doing it. NOW. What if I am hanging out with my new co-workers & I start using drugs again, speaking profanity, going out getting drunk, sleeping around when I am still married, etc. etc.? What then? Those people that saw me "preaching", may be turned away from the Lord. Possibly forever.

So what if we TALK one way, but WALK another, aren't we proving these Christian critics right? Are we only being Christian on Sunday or on holidays? Are we erasing all the good work that we have done? We can't pick & choose WHEN or WHAT we follow in the Bible. The Lord doesn't pick & choose when or what to forgive us for. He just forgives. EVERYTHING. We can't say, "I don't cheat on my husband but I am going to do drugs. God will forgive me." Or, "I don't get drunk or beat my kids so it is okay that I look at pornography. We all sin & God will forgive me." Stop making excuses! One right behavior doesn't cancel out a wrong one.

So, back to the quote from Pastor Jeff. "You may be the ONLY Jesus that some people will ever see." Think about that. What if you are the only chance that person has to come to know the Lord. What impression will you be leaving? Will they see a convenient Christian, a hypocrite, a liar, a double standard, OR will they see forgiveness, faith, grace, worship, unconditional love, proper behavior, understanding, patience, praise, & holiness? What would you think of your preacher or a church staffer if you saw them out drinking & using profanity in a sleazy bar? You wouldn't much believe what they had to say after that, would you? Why not? You are sinning in your own way in front of others. You expect people to believe you when you speak the Word of the Lord, don't you? You can't sit around getting drunk on Saturday night & then ask your buddies to go to church with you on Sunday. It doesn't work. So what if all of those people that once came before us are lost? What if those people never meet another ONLY Jesus? What then? What damage are we all causing daily?

If you remember all of the words that you chose for yourself in the beginning of all of this, you may be thinking that you are not worthy of being the only Jesus that someone will ever see. You would be wrong. Typically we find the Lord when we are down in the dirt. This summer, the Lord had to strip everything from me for me to take a hard look at myself. Sometimes you have to be totally alone & empty to rely on Him. Here are two quotes from Pastor Jeff..."If you have ever felt unequipped or unlikely then you're probably the one for the job." "God is most likely to use the unlikely." Remember those cardboard testimonies? How many of those people made you think? Would you listen to them & how the Lord made a difference in their life? Well, you are that person. Right now, sitting in your chair, that is you!

You just need to make up your own piece of cardboard or damaged goods t-shirt. You need to be honest with yourself & make your current sins your past. Put them behind you. Then, get an accountability partner of the same sex that you trust. Why? Because when life gets tough we always turn to what makes us feel better & what is familiar. We turn right back to that addiction or sinful behavior. (Galatians 5:1) You need someone who will not let you go there, will hold your hand, & will help you through the tough time. Not someone who will tell you what you want to hear & will make you feel better. You need someone to help protect your salvation. That is a true friend. Who needs more Earthly friends? Personally, I need people in my life that are going to help me into eternity. My time on Earth is so small. Are you that person for someone special to you?

When the time is right, share your testimony with someone. You just might be their piece of Jesus!

As Promised - Sermon on Repentance

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 19:43:00 -0400

Repentance from Lifepoint Church on Vimeo.

IMPORTANT! Period.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 00:50:00 -0400

Before I get started with today's post, I want to ask you if you go to church? If you don't, do it next week! I mean it. If you are not going to church, you are robbing yourself of a message that can help to sustain you for a week, or even change your entire life. Messages are heard every week at churches all over the world that bring people to the Lord, cure addictions, heal marriages, mend friendships, & so much more. I don't think that I ever heard a person say, "I wish that I didn't come to church today." But I have certainly said & heard others say, "I should have gone to church today." I have gotten at least one thing out of every single sermon that I have ever heard. No exaggeration, no lie. The past few months I have balled my eyes out every week. As I get closer to the Lord & allow Him to work in my life, the more powerful the message & the deeper the healing.

Like many of you, I have made every excuse in the book not to go to church. Of course you don't feel good every Sunday morning, God heals. You stayed up too late, possibly even sinning, God energizes. You are depressed or upset, God can cheer us up. We feel lonely & maybe will have to attend church alone, God is by your side holding your hand. There is no excuse that is good enough. Honestly, if you are making excuses, you probably really NEED to go to church. Please, if not for yourself, your kids, your family, your marriage, your friendships, your job, or even for God.....can I ask you do to me a favor? Please go to church next weekend. If this blog has EVER helped you in ANY way, please go to church for me. Just trust me.

I have only been to a few services in my life where the church has had you, the member, participate in the service. I love that! What a way to make a BOLD statement. Adam & I were fortunate enough to be a part of the cardboard testimonies at Elevation Church last year. If you are wondering what a cardboard testimony is, just watch the video.

I don't even want to explain it, I want you to watch it. This particular link is 8:04 seconds & it is worth every one of them. I cried through the majority of it, so grab your tissues before you start. GOD IS GREAT! You can have a Pastor stand up on stage & say how these people were healed or brought to the Lord, but seeing the actual participation from each member is so much more powerful.

Tonight I went to church & I took more notes than I ever have. Seriously, I need to start taking a notebook. I have so many of these little note cards laying around that get folded up & put in my pockets. I run out of space often & thoughts are jumbled everywhere. Tonight our lead Pastor took a break & let another one of our Pastor's, Daryl Strickland, lead the service. AMAZING!

So, what was the topic? Repentance. Ok, ok, don't leave just yet. Keep reading & bear with me. It will be worth it. What is repentance? Repentance is changing your mind for the better. Just to be clear, this means better in God's eyes, not better in yours. Pastor Daryl said that he was very upset with God that He wanted him to preach on repentance when he really wanted to preach on joy. But God told him that if he would preach on repentance, we WILL have joy. Praise God!

Our lesson tonight was coming from Joshua 7. Basically God said that if you follow HIS plan, that you will win. Not your plan, not your friend's plan, not culture's plan, but God's plan. THE WHOLE PLAN. Not just the parts of the plan that are easy for you. Are you following the whole plan? Are you being obedient to the Lord or are you a "Convenient Christian"? I realize that that is a strong term, but I am here to get real with you, not be your friend.

As Pastor Daryl said tonight, a true friend will stab you from the front. They will tell you when you are being disobedient to the Lord. We all have friends & family that will make us feel better instead of telling us the truth of the Word & holding us to it. However, those "friends" are doing us a disservice. Making us feel better in our sin should not make us feel better at all. You know it & they know it. But, they do it because they don't want to make you mad or lose your friendship. Personally, I would rather help you get closer to the Lord then to make you feel better on Earth. I hope that you can appreciate that.

So why do we sin? Well, because culture has pretty much convinced us that sin makes us feel better. People cheat because they are unhappy at home. Does cheating really make them feel better? Maybe temporarily. But, the Holy Spirit is eating away at them. They can't sleep at night & maybe they can't even eat. People look at pornography for a quick fix to their sexual desire. People slam their spouse to their friends & family when they should just pray for their spouse & trust the Lord with their problems. People have addictions because again, they wanted a quick fix.

The Lord isn't a quick fix. He is a way of life that you have to accept. When you have problems in your marriage, you HAVE to rely on God. You can't change your spouse & they can't change you. YOU can't keep them from cheating. YOU can't heal their addiction. YOU can't make them stop talking bad about you. But, GOD CAN! I struggle with this every single day. God's timing is not our timing. However, when we want to give up, that we can control, that is OUR timing. So we quit, we separate, get divorces, & move on to the next train wreck of a relationship because we have the same theory. If we choose when & what to believe, we will have the same troubles again. GUARANTEED. You didn't trust the Lord so what makes you think that you will trust Him the second or third time around? You know what is right & you have to follow it TODAY. There is no excuse to wait any longer.

Why do you think it is that we say things like, "Oh, I am just using a little profanity. God will forgive me." Or, "I just cheated on my spouse once, God will forgive me." It doesn't work like that. Sin may not seem like a big deal to you, because you are trying to justify it to make yourself feel better. But it is a big deal to God. After all, He did NAIL HIS SON TO THE CROSS for us. Shouldn't that stop & make you think? Doesn't that make you feel bad? It should!

So, what do you do now? Well, the first step of the process is CONVICTION. Hopefully as you have been reading what I have been writing, God has been convicting you of something that you are doing wrong in your life or the life of your family. Maybe you are stealing from your job, doing drugs, drinking, addicted to porn, cheating on your spouse, disrespecting your spouse, not trusting the Lord, worrying, gambling, lying, etc. Conviction can come from a friend sticking up for the truth, God speaking to you, going to church & hearing the message, or even watching a sermon online.

The next step is CONFESSION. Tell someone that loves you & THAT LOVES JESUS. Not a friend or family member that is going to make you feel better. Someone that is going to talk to you about your sin. Someone that you can trust. Someone that won't tell everyone else in the world. Someone that will hold you accountable.

CORRECTION. Ok, so now we are getting into the hard stuff. Using profanity, getting convicted, confessing, & then doing it again is not going to help you. You have to make a correction. You have to stop doing it. You know it is wrong & you have to change it. Continuing in the same behavior is just compounding your disobedience. Do what you have to do to make things right. Forget about the temporary satisfaction that you are getting from your sin. Look away from the devil, turn to the Lord, & believe that He has the best plan for you. Do not rely on your own understanding. You do not know what is right for you. The Lord does. Accept His plan & follow it.

The last step is CONSEQUENCES. You may have to face consequences for your actions. If you are stealing from your job for instance, you may have to pay money back, you may get fired, or you may even face jail time. If you are cheating, you may lose your spouse, or you may just have to beg like crazy & earn their trust again. No matter what has happened or what your consequences are, you HAVE to trust the Lord.

Don't confuse God's patience with His approval. He does not approve of your sin. To have rhythm with the Lord requires repentance. Not repenting will haunt you day & night (Psalms 51). Repentance will bring refreshment. If your sin has been against your spouse, let's say you have been disrespectful, you must correct this even if your spouse does not deserve it. We have spoken of this many times before. If you have turned the other cheek time & time again, it doesn't matter, do it again. It is what you are commanded to do. Matthew 18:21-22 says...21 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?”22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.

Can you imagine forgiving your spouse seventy times seven? God will hold your hand & He will help you. You will not be able to do it on your own. We all want to give up at times. Ask any couple that has been married for a long time & they will be sure to share stories of hard times. Marriage isn't easy & if you are reading this blog at all, you have experienced that. There aren't so many of us reading this blog because it is "just our spouse" that is "this way". EVERY marriage is work, not just yours. So stick it out with the person that God created just for you. Forgive them for their sins. You will need them to forgive you for yours. We all have issues. If the Lord can forgive us after He gave up His son for us, we can forgive each other for anything, right?

Tonight our church took this one step further. They gave us an index card & we had to write our sin or sins on the card. We could write one thing or we could fill it up, but we had to be honest. They had two giant crosses in the church & we were to get up out of our seats, if we were comfortable, & we had to go pin our cards on the cross with a push pin. Some people folded their cards to remain private & some displayed them for all to see. I had folded mine but opened it at the last second. Many people were crying, after all, they were freeing themselves in that very moment from their sins. We were all committing to the 4 steps that we spoke of in this blog post. For the record, I will be emailing my accountability partner to discuss my card tomorrow. After service they had many staff members on site to pray with you specifically for your sins & for your repentance. It was truly an amazing experience that I wish you all could have been there for. Here are a few photos.

You could see all of the index cards stuck on there. Again, there was another cross & this was a VERY small service. Seeing people being so vulnerable & letting God take over their situation was amazing. It is very hard to do, I know. I did a card too, I am in the same boat. Will you join me? Will you allow yourself to be convicted of YOUR sin? Will you confess it today? Will you start correcting it today? Will you accept the consequences today? If so, your new life will start today as well.

Please get out a piece of paper, sticky note, index card, or whatever else you have. Write down your sins. You probably don't need to think that hard about this. You know what you are doing wrong. Especially if the Holy Spirit is in you. Call, email, or text someone that loves you & THAT LOVES JESUS. (That is really the most important thing. They have to love Jesus) Confess today.

If you don't have someone that you feel comfortable confessing to, email me at Aimee@WomensMarriageMinistry.com. I may take a few days to get back to you, but I will try my hardest to get back to you quickly. This is important & I don't want to leave you hanging.

I also want to remind you, beg you, encourage you, or whatever it will take to get you to church next weekend. Please, please, please do it. You may have a spouse that is a non-believer, has already left your home, or is simply not your spiritual leader. I won't lie, going to church alone is hard. But you CAN do it & it WILL be worth it. In the end, hopefully your obedience to the Lord will rub off on your spouse & they will begin going with you. In the meantime, you have to worry about YOUR relationship with the Lord.

I am going to post this sermon as soon as our church posts it on their website. I hope that I did the sermon justice. I hope that it helped you. The service sure helped me. I will say a prayer for all of you tonight before I go to bed. Please pray for me as well.

8 Steps for Redeeming Your Marriage Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 08:23:00 -0400

This post was taken from www.FamilyLife.com. Be sure to read Dr. Phil's comments below. I am totally floored by the statistic.

8 Steps for Redeeming Your Marriage RelationshipMarty Trammell and Rich Rollins

One plus one never equaled one in our math classrooms, so why do we think it will in our living room? The “two shall become one” Bible passage from Ephesians 5 sounds romantic at the wedding, but when the tests come, it feels like a 50-page story problem waiting to flunk us from our first semester of calculus. Why is it so hard to learn the new math?

The sooner we realize that marriage is a cause of conflict (not just a part of it) the sooner we’ll be able to do the addition. Think about the last “discussion” you had with your spouse. Sure, it might have been caused by expectations or crushed character, but it might have been that the two of you are in the most poignant of all relationships. (The relation part of the word means the two of you. The ship part means you can experience a wreck at any moment!)

As you “discussed,” you pointed out options, arranged supporting materials and finally decided the potential wreck wasn’t worth all the effort (after all, there was a slight possibility you could be wrong). That’s probably why humorist Don Fraser could write “A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it.”

The next time you and your spouse find yourselves in a “discussion,” practice the following eight steps for resolving relational conflicts in marriage. They are based on two primary causes: control issues and the missing ingredients of respect and love.

Step 1: Understand the commitments of marriage
Our commitment to the person of Jesus Christ is what makes a Christian marriage different from any other. People become Christians by realizing they have sinned and can never meet God’s standard (Romans 3:23). By placing our faith in Him and His pardon of our sins, we have eternal life and can be called Christians.

A focused commitment.  Christ’s forgiveness and His example move us to forgive and sacrifice in response to His love. There are times when I (Rich) take my attention off my wife, but as long as I don’t take my focus off Jesus, He will remind me to pay attention to my relationship with LouAnna.

An extreme commitment.  It’s unlikely that the wounds associated with the lack of control, respect, and authentic love in a marriage can heal without intense devotion. The greatest love stories ever known (including the greatest—the love of Jesus) have demonstrated total devotion. Lovers don’t meet each other halfway. They give everything they have to give.

A growing commitment.  Christian commitment is similar to WD-40, that all-purpose household lubricant. Once we spray it on, it starts eating away at the rusty areas of our lives, freeing us up to experience more of the wonder so tightly fastened on our Creator’s love.

One of the misconceptions of marriage is that when people get married, they lose their individual identities. The opposite is true. “The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together,” says Robert C. Dodds.

When we marry, our new relationship becomes a catalyst promoting growth and frees us to reach our potential. For the first time we have someone who is permanently in our court, encouraging us to give our best.

Step 2: Check the current
Each summer the Rollinses and Trammells raft the Deschutes River. We put the Trammell boys in one raft and the adults in another. Even though the river is a slow, meandering current through the beautiful Oregon forest—and even through the boys are old enough to take care of themselves—we breathe less easy when they float out of sight.

Marriage is like being cast into a river. Our goal is to stay in touch. We never want to lose sight of each other. Because the river flows insanely over the landscape of our lives, we are never guaranteed that our marriages will flow the way most men hope or most women dream. Staying in touch is the essence of a successful marriage. Hold each other daily. Eat together whenever possible. Use these times to check the current.

Step 3: Couple your prayer
Prayer is a necessary step in resolving conflict. We need wisdom and direction in every conflict, and God promises to give it freely and without reservation. When we list prayer in this context, we are emphasizing praying as a couple. Praying together not only accomplishes the same goals as personal prayer, but it draws the couple together in ways that no other activity can.

Prayer is an intimate act before our Creator. When a couple shares with God and each other their deepest fears and thoughts about their marriage and the events surrounding them, they add glue which further cements their relationship. They gain heavenly support from the God who invented marriage. They gain a mutual understanding. Studies have indicated that in staying power, praying separates the marriages that last from those that do not.

Dr. Phillip C. McGraw writes in his bestselling book, Relationship Rescue:

… an interesting statistic shared by David McLaughlin in his wonderful series entitled The Role of the Man in the Family reflects that the divorce rate in America is at a minimum one out of two marriages. But the reported divorce rate among couples that pray together is about one in ten thousand. Pretty impressive statistic, even if you reduce it a thousandfold.

It is a pretty amazing statistic! We have discovered as we have opportunities to meet with couples that those who pray together have a greater strength and deeper intimacy.

Step 4: End the stalemate
One of the common mistakes we make as couples is waiting. We know what we want in a relationship. We also intuitively know what our partner wants. We could give them what they want, but usually don’t until they give us what we want. This stalemate produces more quarrels and dissatisfaction, which produces a greater sense of estrangement. Common sense should tell us that if we can’t control the other person and we can only control ourselves, we need to do something—something other than wait for them to give us what we want or need.

We see it all of the time as we meet with couples. The husband is waiting to be respected before he will love his wife. The wife is waiting to be loved before she will treat her husband with respect. The result is that no one gets much of anything from the marriage. Somebody has to give in. If that somebody is you and you are the wife, you should try reaching out to your husband. Treat him with special respect.

If you are the husband, you need to reach out in tenderness and start loving her in a way she can understand. Instead of acting like you are entitled, start deserving her respect. Become the lover. It is amazing what happens when our wives start “feeling” love. All of a sudden they begin to reciprocate.

Step 5: Realize you can only change yourself
We are also reminded that we can change no one but ourselves. The irony has always been that, as soon as we begin changing, those around us begin changing, too. Looking back, I (Rich) realize that I fell in love with my wife because of her differences as well as our similarities. I wanted a wife who was unique; I did not want another me. I wanted her to become all that she could be. I discovered that when I loved her, she began to feel free to become that person. We still have conflict, but we have stopped trying to change each other.

Step 6: Do it in love
Several years ago, Dr. Gary Chapman described five main love languages: “words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.” If your love language is “giving gifts,” you might assume that everyone is a gift-giver. But you may be married to a person who expresses his or her love with “words of affirmation.” They keep waiting for you to say something nice and you keep waiting for a gift. Until you discover your love language, you may be saying, “I love you,” but the other person isn’t hearing it. Dr. Chapman gives us three steps to discovering our love language.

1.  What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
2.  What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
3.  In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an indication of what would make you feel loved.

The Apostle Paul’s description of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 moves love from the abstract to the quantifiable. Patience is measurable. Kindness is measurable. Paul’s description of love removes our excuses for saying “I love you,” but never showing it in what we do. Many of our conflicts would be readily resolved if love were added to the mixture.

Step 7: Stop remembering
At some point, we need to stop opening up the photo albums of each other’s failures and move on. We do that by forgiving. If all we do is stare at the negatives in the photo album of our relationship, very little positive will develop. We need to stop remembering what shouldn’t be dwelt on.

Step 8: Work on being friends
Mark Goulston said, “Take action when you fall out of love.” Being best friends with your spouse is an important facet of a rewarding relationship. The Apostle Paul exhorted his protégé, Titus, to instruct older women in the church to teach younger women how to love their husbands. The word he uses for “love” is the love of friendship. Paul wanted the women to be best friends with their husbands.

Our (Rich’s and Marty’s) best friends are our wives. Whenever we hear someone say that we should treat our family as friends and our friends as family, we think that easy—they’re the same people! Being friends means we have fun with each other, endure the truth from each other, and find our comfort in each other. That way, when the conflicts come, we can rest in the friendship created by years of working on them.

By practicing these eight steps, we believe that every couple can learn to add one plus one and come up with only one. We can use the new math. We can learn to share the kind of oneness that annotates our anniversaries with candlelight and whispers.

Adapted from Redeeming Relationships © 2007 Rich Rollins and Marty Trammell. Used by Permission of Faith Walk Publishing, Grand Haven, MI.

Rich Rollins is executive pastor of Valley Bible Church, a community church in the San Francisco Bay area, as well as a healthcare professional, college vice president, and church consultant.

Marty Trammell is chair of the English and Communications department of Corban College in Salem, Org., and on the pastoral staff of Valley Baptist Church. He has over twenty years of counseling experience.

Lifepoint Church Sermon - George & Karen Kapusta

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 16:58:00 -0400

Hey everyone. I wanted to post the sermon from this past Sunday on the blog. The guest speakers are George & Karen Kapusta. They are our pastor's parents, they lead the marriage small group at our church, & they mentor couples (individually or together) on the weekends. I have talked about them on the blog before.

They have been married for 39 years but, it wasn't always easy. In fact, they have a very interesting story that I think that you all would be interested in hearing. It is a story of hope, love, & extreme faith. We all may not have a story exactly like George & Karen's, but I guarantee that you all will hear at least one thing that WILL make a difference in your hearts & minds.I have been blessed to hear George & Karen's story before, but I haven't heard it like this.

Karen is a great inspiration to me personally & I speak with her weekly. She keeps me on track as a Christian woman, is a great support, & challenges me to be better for the Lord. We all make mistakes & we are not going to be perfect, EVER. We all need a George or Karen in our lives to hold us accountable. When I feel like doing something that I know the Lord would not approve of, is not Biblical, is led with feelings of hurt or pain, is selfish, or I am just angry, I call Karen to talk me off the ledge. She doesn't let me get away with anything just to make me feel better. That takes a lot of strength & faith. She is also a wealth of knowledge when I have a question about something I heard in church, need scripture references, or even just a prayer. She is a great prayer!

Thank you Karen for everything that you have done & are doing in my life. I appreciate so very much that I can depend on you for the TRUTH, without fail EVERY time. You are sometimes hard with me, but that is what I need. Being a friend & loving someone means telling them what they need to hear & not what they want to hear. YOU are helping to protect my salvation! It is a blessing to have found that in you. That quality is so rare in this culture. I wouldn't be where I am at this very moment without you in my life. Love you!

Growing Old Together from Lifepoint Church on Vimeo.

Hope In The Ruble

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 2 Mar 2010 12:38:00 -0500

Hope in the Rubble - Posted today at Proverbs 31 Ministries.

2 Mar 2010

Lynn Cowell

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength" Ephesians 1:18 (NIV)

Mind-boggling devastation filled the screen. I just couldn't wrap my mind around everything that had taken place by the earthquake in Haiti. Such suffering and pain. I went to sleep with the images firmly planted in my mind and heart.

When I awoke in the morning, I began to pray before my feet hit the ground: prayer for miracles, supplies and those who would arrive in that precious country to serve and minister to the broken. A picture of a crying baby being pulled from the rubble came to mind. After over 48 hours of no food, no water and being trapped under a collapsed house, the 18 month-old was rescued. It was truly a miracle.

My prayers moved from the Haitian crisis to praying for a loved one who has gone astray. The one I love has much in common with the newly rescued baby. He too is trapped. Trapped by the weight and destruction of bad decisions and flawed thinking patterns. What seemed like a common path many were taking led to a place of destruction.

What this precious baby and my loved one do not have in common is the desire to be free. The baby sensed something was wrong. Where was her family? Where was food and water? Why wasn't someone coming to her rescue? Such thoughts occupied her tiny immature mind. My loved one has yet to discover that he indeed needs rescuing. He has yet to recognize the weight of selfishness, unforgiveness and self-destruction pressing on him.

Do you have one you desperatel y love who is heading toward destruction and doesn't realize it? Do you have days when the rubble of sin seems too heavy- too much to be removed? And you just can't see how God is going to break through?

Help is arriving in Haiti. Armies, doctors, nurses and relief workers from around the world are helping. Rescue is taking place. People's lives have been saved, and in time, the destruction will be removed.

Rescue is available for our loved ones, too. Prayer is the place to begin as we hope that in the middle of their own destruction, they will see their need for rescue. When that realization becomes clear, like the tiny baby in Haiti, our loved ones will cry out for help. We know our God will be there to hear and rescue. He may use others to help them. He may call them to push away some of the debris. But more than anything, we know He wants them free.

Dear Lord, some days I grow weary of praying for my loved one. I am so glad that You don't.
Please open their eyes to see the destruction they are in and give them the desire to break free. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

To Love 'Anyway' Is To Love Like God

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 1 Mar 2010 11:36:00 -0500

This post was taken from Focus on the Family website.

On Valentine's Day, Meg* went all out, giving her husband, Peter,* his favorite candy and tickets to a hockey game. Later that night, she wrapped herself in a special outfit purchased just for the occasion.

Peter got her a card.

At the grocery store.

That he purchased on the way home from work.

He didn't add anything to it, either. He just signed it, "Peter."

A couple of days later, Meg tried to explain that she felt a little taken for granted. Apparently, Peter misunderstood her intent because two months later, when they celebrated their anniversary, Peter didn't get Meg anything.

"How could you not get me anything for our anniversary?" she asked Peter the next day. "Especially after our conversation about Valentine's Day."

"Well, I thought about getting you something, but it didn't work out," he replied. "And then I knew not to get you a card because you said you didn't like that last time."

"It's not that I didn't like the card. It's that the card alone seemed a little sparse. But even that is better than nothing ..."

Several months later, Meg had a birthday. This time, Peter got her a present – a kitchen tool set. Several weeks before, Meg had asked to borrow Peter's tape measure and screwdriver. Peter figured that Meg should have her own small set of kitchen tools so she didn't have to borrow his.

Meg recounted all this and then explained how she had tried to get her husband to read several how-to books on loving your spouse. He would read the first few pages, lose interest and never pick the book up again.

"I've realized this is never going to change," she confessed. "But I love him anyway."

Because ...

That last statement of Meg's, "but I love him anyway," is one of the most profound theological statements on marriage I've ever heard. Most of us base love on because, not on anyway. I love you because you're good to me. I love you because you're kind, because you're considerate, because you keep the romance alive.

But in Luke 6:32-36, Jesus says we shouldn't love because. We should love anyway. If we love someone because that person is good to us, or gives back to us, or is kind to us, we're acting no better than anyone else. In essence, Jesus is saying you don't need the Holy Spirit to love a man who remembers every anniversary – not just the anniversary of your marriage, but the anniversary of your first date and your first kiss. Any woman could love a man like that. Or if you love a wife who lavishes you with sports gifts, who goes out of her way to make you comfortable when you get home from work and who wants sex anytime you do – well, you're doing what any man would do. There's no special credit in that!

But if you love a spouse who disappoints you, who can be a little self-absorbed – now you're loving anyway. In doing that, you're following the model of the heavenly Father, who loves the ungrateful and the wicked.

... Or Anyway

Will you love only because? Or are you willing to love anyway? Will you love a man or woman who doesn't appreciate your sacrifice? Will you love a husband or wife who takes you for granted? Will you love a spouse who isn't nearly as kind to you as you are to him or her?

Just about every faithless marriage is based on because love. Christians are called to anyway love. That's what makes us different. That's what gives glory to God. That's what helps us appreciate God's love for us, because God loves us anyway. He gives and gives and gives – and we take Him for granted. He is eager to meet with us, and we get too busy to notice Him. He is good to us, and we accuse Him mercilessly when something doesn't go just the way we planned it.

But God loves us anyway. To love anyway is to love like God – and to learn about God's love for us.

That's love, the way God intended it.

Emotional Lockdown

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 08:07:00 -0500

Hey ladies. Quick post.

I receive a daily word called "The Word For Today". It comes straight to my email. It has shocked me because just like church, it seems to say what I need to hear every day. You can subscribe to it HERE.

Here is a sample from today's post.

Have you ever heard of the 'Jericho syndrome'? It's when you're on emotional lockdown. You're afraid to reach out or let anybody in. You've built a wall so you can't be hurt again. Look out, because that wall can imprison you, and everybody else in your life. 'Love is patient... it keeps no record of wrongs... Love never fails...' (1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV). Forgiving, when you've been deeply hurt, is one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but you must forgive, and keep on forgiving until resentment no longer controls you. '...Peter came to Him and said, "Lord, how often shall... I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus said..."not... up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven"' (Matthew 18:21-22 NKJV). Stop rehearsing your past and give it to the Lord. He's the wall-toppling, communication-restoring, esteem-building healer of broken hearts and relationships. If you let Him, He will help you to live and love again.

Have You Ever Felt Like.....

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 14:37:00 -0500

Hello ladies. So last night I posted on Twitter & on Facebook a sermon for you all to watch. I mentioned that I would be posting about it here today. If you missed that information, you can watch the sermon at Elevation Church. It is about 50 minutes, but I highly recommend it.

Which brings me to my question....have you ever felt like you heard something that seemed so small, but was so powerful that it could change so much in your marriage? I have. This summer when I first listened to the CD that came with my "Motivating Your Man God's Way" series, I knew that my marriage could be transformed. That one hour changed so much inside of me & then inside of my husband.

Well, it happened again last night....twice. Once when I was listening to this sermon & once when I went to Bible study. First, lets talk about Bible study. I have never been to a women's Bible study before. Adam & I went to a group study for a few weeks when we moved here but this was different. I had the pleasure of meeting 5 new women that love the Lord! I do not believe in accidents & I know in my heart that God has a reason for everything. A friend invited me to this study last night & I decided to go at the last minute. We went around the table taking turns reading scripture from Ephesians 5. Being new, I was holding back a bit & I didn't read until everyone else went. Believe it or not, my passages were Ephesians 5:22-33. This in itself took me back a little.

²²Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

²⁵Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her²⁶to make her holy, cleansing^[b] her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰for we are members of his body. ³¹"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."^[c] ³²This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

This is the stuff that I have been telling you guys & learning myself. Interesting. God is trying to tell me something. One of the ladies said something during our reading that really stuck with me & I can't stop thinking about. She said that we are on a WALK with the Lord. We can't expect to change all in one day. This is a process & it takes time. She also said that the enemy will speak to us & convince us that things will never change & they will be this way forever. This could be when thinking of yourself & the changes that you need to make, or changes that you want your spouse to make. Things WON'T always be this way. God can do anything in anyone. He can change anything. Don't let the enemy trick you. You may just be being tested, don't fail!

Six months ago I realized several things that needed to be changed within myself. I have discussed most of them here on this blog & I have been doing my best to change all of them. Some happened over night & were pretty easy & some are going to take time & practice. That doesn't mean that I am not trying to change them every day, some changes are just bigger & require more prayer & grace. Of course our husbands wish that we could change everything 100% overnight & we wish the same about them. God is always working on us on our WALK with Him. We are made in His image & we should love & respect our husbands (& they should love us) unconditionally, as God loves us.

I realize that this is easier said than done. We all have days where we want to give up & trust the enemy instead of the Lord. It is easier that way. It is much harder to surround yourself in Scripture, Bible study, Christian people, Church, & positivity when you feel as though your spouse is against you. We have both been there, we get it. It is much easier to believe the bad in a person than the good. I am very guilty of this. It is hard when you are hurting to want to continue in that hurt for the possibility of things getting better when you could just choose any of 100 sins to feel better right now.

Marriage is made in CHRIST & you can't take CHRIST out of it. The Lord wants your marriage to work, that is without question. Matthew 19:6 says, "What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." This means you! You can't play God. By taking God out of the equation & choosing to do what YOU want to do, you are doing just that. How do you expect this marriage, your next marriage, or the one after that to work if you have already decided that you can play by your own set of rules whenever you so choose?

Ok, so you are going to make it work. Now what? Well, that is where the sermon that I posted comes in. Here it is again so that you don't have to scroll all the way to the top. Elevation Church No excuses, ladies. I told you that I would tell you something that I learned in the sermon that was powerful to me & I felt like it could change a lot in my own marriage. I have to admit that sometimes when I "learn" something, I feel so stupid. It hits me so hard & it is so obvious that I am like, "Geez. Why didn't I ever look at it that way before?" I guess this goes back to my WALK with God though. He can't reveal every little thing to me on one day or I would go into overload.

Pastor Furtick's wife, Holly, came on stage & shared a little bit about her marriage. Maybe it just took me hearing it from a woman but she explained something to me in a different way than anyone, including Adam, has ever been able to do for me. When I am upset or hurt, I show my emotions by crying. (So does Holly) I can do that pretty well & sometimes uncontrollably. I don't want to be crying, but I can't stop. Adam shows his hurt through anger. (So does Pastor Furtick) Does he really WANT to be angry with me? No, of course not. But just maybe, he can't help it either. There is my duh moment #1. If I am crying & Adam keeps yelling at me that is just going to make me more upset. Well, why am I not considering that about Adam? When he is showing me anger, I am just getting more upset & I am not "listening" to the fact that he is "crying" too. I even sometimes get angry, that he is angry, thinking that he is a jerk. Like how dare Adam get mad at me when I am crying. But, he is crying too, in his own way! What if I was crying & Adam started crying too as a way to show me that I am being a jerk? That would hurt. Duh moment #2.

As you can imagine whenever you discover something negative about yourself, you feel terrible. Hopefully. You repent, ask your spouse for forgiveness, & make a change without wasting another second. Make no excuses or allowances to behave that way in the future. So was God speaking through Holly? Was it because she was a woman saying this & not my husband? Was it because they are so "Holy" in my mind? Was it my time in my WALK to hear this? Why did I not hear this sooner? It certainly wasn't because I wanted to keep making Adam feel bad. One thing that I know for sure & what I keep reminding myself is that God won't come early, but He will never be too late. So we should be glad that we are blessed with information that will change us when it DOES come. He tells us when we need to hear it the most. Remember, we don't change everything at once. It is a process of baby steps.

The video sermon goes into even more detail than I am covering here. I realize that it is probably taking an hour out of your day to read this already. LOL But, I want to give you a few more tips that I jotted down on my paper that I have been horribly guilty of in the past. These aren't easy things to do, but they are necessary & most importantly, they are how the Lord wants you to respond.

1. Don't yell at him, sick God on him. We can't change our husbands & they can't change us. They can tell us what bugs them or what they would like changed, which of course would require decent communication, but we can't change each other. Only God can change us. Therefore, if you feel like you have to have a more active part in his changing, pray for him. Pray that God will change this behavior & that he will show your husband that it hurts you. Holly said that often, Pastor Steven would apologize hours or even days later that he hurt her. Probably because the Lord worked on him. If you are in God's way, he can't work in your husband. Plus, taking this role will prevent the conversation from going down other roads that will lead to more destruction. Every bad argument goes to places that have nothing to do with the issue at hand. Now there is more damage to repair. Like I spoke about earlier, this is VERY hard to do & will require prayer for yourself for strength, wisdom, & discernment. It is much easier to sin, yell back, & disrespect your husband. This is probably one of my greatest flaws.

It was funny to me that they chose another way to describe a situation. They said that if your spouse locks you out of their life or a situation, don't kick down the door, but leave myrrh on the lock. A few weeks ago, Adam & I got into a fight. Adam, trying to be honorable & not argue back with me & locked himself in the bedroom. I took this personal & didn't not see him "crying" as I mentioned earlier. He just needed space away from me & to not make matter worse. I acted poorly & banged on the door for several minutes & then even kicked the door, twice I think. At that moment God convicted me & I realized that I was not helping the situation, but making it worse. I knew that I was being disrespectful. However, an apology would not have seemed sincere at the time. I wanted to "fix" things because I realized that it got out of control. So once Adam felt safe enough to come out, I wanted to "talk" again. All I should have done was sprinkle a little myrrh on the lock, prayed to the Lord, & left it alone. He would have taken care of this. Adam was still hurt even though I passed my peak of pain. Knowing that he doesn't like conflict, I should have realized that an easy truce could have been made without a word.

2. Make it right before the sun goes down. Our husbands are called to be our spiritual leaders. Pastor Furtick prays with his wife every night before bed. Not always a long prayer, sometimes it is actually very short. However, it is very hard to remain upset with someone if you are holding their hand praying for them & with them. You being mad at them isn't going to change them anyway. God is working on that. This is not to say that the issue has to be 100% cleared up, but you just don't go to bed angry with each other. Remember, your spouse is a good willed person, one that you love, your husband would kill to protect you & his family. Try to remember that even though he is mad, he might just need his space, he might just be "crying" too. If he lets Him, the Lord will heal your husband, protect your marriage, & make you stronger together than ever.

In the heat of the moment we don't always see what is right. We take what makes us feel better right then & there which is usually the wrong move. We compound our sin by adding additional sins. We let the enemy poison our minds to think that things will always be hard. We need to pray not only for ourselves daily to make the right choices, but also for our husbands. After everything that we went through with Kayleigh, I have so much confidence in the power of prayer. I know without a doubt that God can make anything happen regardless of how far away it seems right now. Hang on to that. He WANTS your marriage to work. It was HIS creation. He COMMANDS you to stick through it. Sprinkle a little myrrh on the lock, pray for your husband like crazy, (& yourself) get out of God's way, & let Him work. It will be the hardest thing that you have ever done, but isn't your husband worth it?

Cross Point Church - Nashville TN

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 13:05:00 -0500

Hey ladies. A couple of months ago I was doing some research & I came across Cross Point Church. We watched a few of their videos & I watched a sermon or two. I began following the Pastor on Twitter & I was really drawn to what they were doing as a church. You can check out their link at Cross Point Church.

About a week ago, a loyal blog follower told me that there is another Pastor there, Justin Davis, that has a marriage blog with his wife. It appears that the Pastor cheated on his wife in the past. They now have a ministry to help other marriages survive infidelity as well as the other many issues that arise in a marriage. Their blog is a very easy read & one that I hope you can find helpful. Check it out at Refine Us.

I have to say that I have missed posting tremendously this week. Having this marriage ministry has brought a genuine joy into my life that I have never been able to find in a job outside of the home. Reading your success stories has been nothing short of amazing to both of us. I have thoroughly enjoyed being your support system, your friend, & your confidant. God has given us an enormous blessing in being able to help so many of you. The Lord has many things going on in our lives right now, but I am going to try my very hardest to post or share other helpful information every chance I get.

I also want to mention that our church, Lifepoint, is doing a series on love & relationships. You can check out the sermons at Lifepoint Church. Elevation did a series last year that was very similar & you can find that at Elevation Church. Both of these unbelievable Pastors will keep you on track! If your church has had a marriage series that you found helpful, please post a link in the comments or email me directly. I would be happy to post all of the links for you all to dive into. I love watching sermons online from other churches.

I hope that you all enjoyed your weekend & you have a wonderful week ahead.

Focus On The Family

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 12:34:00 -0500

Hey everyone. I stumbled up something today that I want to share with all of you. I am sure that many of you have heard of Focus on the Family before. Apparently, you can give them a call & they will let you speak with a counselor FREE of charge! How awesome is that?

I don't know any details about the extent of their help, but I wanted to be sure that you all knew about this. When we face turmoil in our lives sometimes we are embarrassed or ashamed to turn to people that know us, our spouse, our family, our friends, etc. I feel that this is a good resource & service where you can talk to a person that can listen to you & won't have any predetermined ideas about you or your situation.

It appears from their website that they cover many topics, including, marriage, separation, divorce, strengthening your marriage, parenting, addiction, infidelity, sex, abuse, financial challenges, etc. There is a long list. We can all use a little help sometime & this service is FREE. Check it out & let me know what you think.

Phone - 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459)

Website - http://www.FocusOnTheFamily.com

Leave Of Absence

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 23:16:00 -0500

Hello Ladies. I hope that you have all had an amazing Valentine's Day. It is my hope that the 14 day challenge has helped to make all of your marriages stronger.

I am sad to say that I will be taking an indefinite personal leave of absence from this ministry blog. The Lord is calling my focus to be somewhere else right now. This was an extremely difficult decision for me & some time in the future I'll be able to come back here & explain things. I appreciate your prayers for wisdom & discernment.

I do not want to leave you all without any marriage resources so here are a few websites that have helped me tremendously. Both websites have marriage Mondays so be sure to check them out today.

Women Living Well

There are some fantastic videos posted here that are sure to help you in your journey as a wife, mother, & Christian. I have posted one video & there are several others.

Come Have A Peace

If you are not already doing so, you can follow me on Twitter or Facebook & you will be alerted when I post again. I may from time to time post articles or information from other sources as well.

The Respect Test - Repost

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 09:58:00 -0500

Day 14 - Repost

Good afternoon ladies. I am feeling as though there are a lot of smiling hubbies out in the world today. Maybe not all of them, but more than usual. Am I right? I have enjoyed reading all of the comments & emails on the successes that many of you had last night. Keep them coming. I was fortunate enough to meet a new friend & blog follower for coffee this morning. She is a day behind, so she just read challenge #13 this morning. She decided not to wait until tonight to move forward. She went into the bedroom & took action! Go her!

Think about how your husband's day might be different today than it normally would be. Not only does your "new" behavior affect you & your marriage, but his co-workers might be positively affected, his boss, his employees, fellow drivers on the road (no road rage today), & everyone that he comes in contact with. I am so proud of all of you for embracing what could have been one of the most difficult challenges. Praise God!

Over the past week or two I have been compiling great quotes from friends on Facebook or Twitter whenever I come across one. I would also like to invite you to email me over a quote that may have been powerful in your life. I will be sharing them over time as they are appropriate to the message. There are some REALLY good ones so far. Since today is our last challenge for this series I want to share one that grabbed me the other day. While many of you have succeed each day & made drastic improvements in your marriages, there have been many women coming up with every & any excuse to fail.

"Quit making excuses for the way you are & let God transform you into the person He created you to be!!" - Thank you Larry Brey for your amazing words. Your Twitter posts often stop me in my tracks!

Doesn't that make you think? What are you making excuses for? Not just in your marriage, but in your personal life. Often what runs us down personally interferes in our marriages. What can you change today that will give you the courage to work on your marriage a little harder than you were before?

We seem to think that we can work on our marriages only when we want to, or in my case, when it fell apart. Unfortunately, there is so much more damage to be undone by looking at things from this perspective. It needs to be a priority, a requirement, to work on your marriage EVERY SINGLE DAY. You have to make a decision that you marriage is important to you. Remember, feelings follow choices? Most of you don't have the luxury of only going to work when you feel like it. Right? If you behaved that way you would most likely lose your job, right? Well, making a conscious decision to NOT work on your marriage can cause you to lose your spouse. I am sure that most of you can agree that it is easier to find another job (even in this economy), than finding another suitable husband. Why is it then, that we give our jobs more attention than we give our husbands?

I am extremely proud of all of you for taking this 14 day challenge. I can't praise you enough. Based on the poll question on the left sidebar, it looks like 96% of you have found this information helpful in your marriages. That is amazing! Adam & I are so excited for what is to come for each & every one of you. My biggest fear is that you will feel that tonight is the end, the last day. My prayer is that you will look at today as the beginning of a journey that will strengthen your marriage in a way that you never thought possible, but have always dreamed of.

Today's lesson is the lesson that changed everything in my marriage. It is the day that spoke to Adam in a way that I had not been speaking to him before. It was not a miracle pill that caused him to come home the next day, but it opened a door. I did this challenge at a time when I didn't like 90% of what Adam was doing. He had moved 3 1/2 hours away & was creating a life that clearly didn't include us. However, when I sat & thought about it, I came up with about 15 things that I appreciated about him. Things that I respected, regardless of his behavior at that exact moment.

Lesson #14

Say to him, "I was thinking today about all of the things about you that I respect, & I want you to know that I really respect you." Exit the room. When he asks, if he asks, be prepared to give him at least three things.

Note - Since Adam was not "home" with me, my options were over the phone, text, or email. Telling him on the phone didn't seem workable to me, email could take days, so I figured that a text was as close to the challenge as I could get. I sent him a text asking if he was busy. He told me that he wasn't & he asked what was up. I did the challenge. It worked exactly as Dr. Eggerichs said that it would. Adam wanted to know what I respected about him, especially since I seemed to disagree with everything that he was doing at the time. (his words) I text him, yes I text, 15 things. It took a while, LOL. He thanked me for saying those things but he let me know that it hurt him that it took me until he left me for me to acknowledge them. It hurt me too. Why did I let it happen this way?

Here I had this list of 15 things, but I wasn't really showing him that I meant or even noticed any of them. What a wake up call that was. I made that list in about 10 minutes. I felt at that moment that I had taken advantage of my husband. I took him for granted, assuming that he would always be there. Of course, this was not intentional, but that didn't matter. Ignorance is not bliss. Much damage had been done. Ladies PLEASE, don't let this happen to your marriage. Don't lose a man that you love & respect simply because you aren't showing him what he means to you. You might be thinking that he is taking advantage of you as well, & you might be right. Remember, this is about changing YOU.

Tonight I am begging for a favor. I have asked before but tonight I will resort to begging. Please send in your comments & testimonials. Let us know how this whole process has made a positive impact in your marriage, tell us about the success of a single challenge, or tell us which day you resisted the most & how it went past your expectations. I will be sharing your stories over the next few days. (I will leave out names, of course) Let's give back & get some of these other wives excited that are on the fence about if this can REALLY help them. Let's encourage other wives to try a little harder. Let's show them that this CAN work. It certainly can't hurt. Right?

"Lord, please give us the encouragement to complete tonight's challenge with sincerity. Please soften our husband's hearts & open their eyes to the work that we have been doing for 2 weeks. Please speak through us & help us to chose the correct words. We can't do this without you Lord, we need your help. Please hold our hands as we begin our journey into the rest of our lives. May our marriages be as great as you intended. Thank you Father for my husband. I am blessed that you chose him for me. Amen!"

Tonight He WILL Notice - Repost

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 11:18:00 -0500

Day Thirteen - Repost

I hope that I got all of you excited for what we are about to discuss. Today we are going to get VERY personal. Fortunately for all of you, you can keep your business private. I am going to share just enough to help you to understand the man's mind without getting too behind the scenes. LOL

We have learned so far that women need love like they need air to breathe & that men need respect like they need air to breathe. However, there is something else that a man needs that is probably just as high on his priority list. Any guesses? S-E-X. Ouch! I actually said it. There are many jokes out in the world about what happens to one's sex life once they get married. The jokes really aren't that funny but we all laugh because we are guilty of making these accusations come true. As if we are trying to cover up our flaws. Or, is it so that nobody will think that the comedian is talking about us? So let me ask you, does your bed look like this......

Be honest. Are you sending a crystal clear message on a much too regular basis that you just aren't interested? If a car needs gas to run, what happens if it doesn't get it? If our body needs food & water, what happens if it doesn't get it? If your husband needs sex, what happens if he doesn't get it? He may stop working. That could mean different things for different marriages. Some men will resort to pornography. Some men will be tempted & go outside of the marriage. Some men will simply shut down, withdraw, & stop working on their marriage. Which for us means, not showing the love that we need, like we need air to breathe.

Now, I am not saying that if you withhold sex from your husband & he looks at pornography, has an affair, or shuts down emotionally, that he is justified. He does have control over & is responsible for his own actions. But ask yourself, "are you inviting in unnecessary temptation?" 1 Corinthians 7 says, "The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife."

It is true that a woman desires intimacy more than the actual sex itself, in most cases. Whereas, men may lack the need for intimacy & want to skip right to the sex. So, where is the common ground? Not having any sexual relationship does not seem like the most reasonable answer, yet it is usually what happens. Even though men do not have a NEED for intimacy, they still want to be desired. Who doesn't? If his wife is constantly rejecting his sexual needs, he does not feel desired. Since women have a NEED for love, consider this.....what if your husband told you that he would love you only two days a month? He says not to even ask him to love you on other days, because he won't. Plus, he won't even be happy about loving you those two days & he makes it seem like a chore. How would that make you feel? I would be devastated. Isn't that what some of you are doing? Of course, some of you don't mean it this way but that is how he is hearing it.

On the other hand, some of you may have a very healthy sex life, or what YOU think is a healthy sex life. However, just because you have sex often, doesn't mean that it is the best that it can be. Are you always engaged or are you thinking about the laundry or the dishes, do you act eager when he suggests making love, do you ever initiate to show him that you desire him, or do you ever go out of your way to make it a special event? (not just his birthday or anniversary) Men may not need the intimacy but they don't want to feel like they are forcing us to have sex with them either.

Unfortunately in marriage, sex can get very routine. Just like the rest of our lives. It is easy for us to make excuses why this gets put on the back burner. I am sure that you already told yourself all of them while you were reading the last few paragraphs. You know, kids, work, chores, pets, homework, etc. I encourage you to remember what I said though, your husband NEEDS sex like he needs air to breathe. You have to make this a priority in your marriage so that you don't invite temptation in.

I was thinking the other day about what happens when a spouse cheats. In most cases, if it is the wife, she cheated to feel sexy, because a man said just the right words that she doesn't hear at home, & to feel that intimacy that is lacking with her husband. If a man cheats, it is usually just for the sex. I believe that is why they say, "It didn't mean anything." To them, it really didn't. It was just sex. They were fulfilling their need. So what can we do to prevent the devil from coming into our bedrooms? To keep not only our husband's happy, but to be happy ourselves?

Lesson #13

Initiate sex with your husband. Don't just respond; initiate. We believe that you should have sex on a regular basis. If a husband or a wife is deprived, he or she can be subjected to a satanic attack. Read 1 Corinthians 7:5. When either of you deprives the other, temptation comes. A husband can feel put down for who he is when rejected sexually.

I will be honest & say that the majority of what I covered tonight is not an issue in my marriage personally. However, tonight's challenge is the one that is the most difficult for me. I will "respond" any day of the week, but I do not initiate. I have no excuse for this. I want you all to know that I am not throwing these challenges out there to make you all uncomfortable & to cause stress in your life. I knew this challenge was coming for 13 days & I am still nervous. Lets make a pact that we will all do this lesson together. Lets make sure that on Thursday, November 19th, 2009, all of our husbands are smiling!

I have learned during this 14 day challenge & over the last few months, that the more you work on these simple principles, the easier, more fun, & more rewarding they become. Even though tonight's lesson will open some of our eyes, make us feel terrible, & break us out in acne, we WILL get through it. If your husband hasn't noticed your last 12 attempts, he WILL notice tonight. He will love it! You will see something in him that you may not have seen in a while. Be proud that you are doing all that you can to make a difference in your marriage and that you are doing your very best to remove temptation for getting between you both. I am proud of you!

"Lord, please be with each of us tonight as we try one of the most difficult challenges for most of us. Give us the strength & encouragement to complete this lesson. Please bring me joy & happiness to do this for my husband & let that emotion show on my face. Lord, please allow my husband to see all that I am doing for him & for our marriage. Please hold my hand Father. I am scared & nervous. I need you to help me through this. Amen."

BONUS -

I knew that there was something that I was forgetting about when I posted this morning. It is something that a large majority of us are probably worried about too. Self confidence, self esteem, body image, etc.

Ok, this was HUGE for me. I can't even tell you. I don't think that I am "bad" looking but I certainly don't consider myself "hot". I just don't think like that. I have always had self esteem issues. There isn't a reason for this, I have just been that way all of my life. I don't know anything else. Most of the time I feel like I can look in the mirror & be content with how I look. But, not when I am naked.

I will avoid going to the pool or the beach with friends that are in better shape, I keep clothes on until the last possible second, & I like the lights off. I have never been interested in spontaneous day time sex. I have to say, this can get in the way, & it was getting ridiculous.

I have never had anyone tell me how beautiful I am as often as Adam does. I am lucky enough to hear it at least once a day. Regardless of what I am wearing, makeup or no makeup, sweats or a dress. It doesn't matter. Adam told me the other day that he doesn't really notice whether I have makeup on or not. It has taken me years to believe him & I am not sure why. I could feel that I look 100% like poop & he will think I am as attractive as ever. I have always been worried about what I think I look like & what I feel that it has interfered with being loved even more. Isn't that why we want to look good to begin with.

My body is filled with imperfections. I am flabby, I have more stretch marks than I care to count, sags, bulges, wrinkles, & a HUGE c-section scar. I bet if you asked Adam to describe me, he wouldn't mention any of those things. He hardly even sees them. It is not how I "look" to him. He even went so far as to say that my c-section scar was beautiful because it is where Kayleigh came from.

A few things happened to get me in a place where I started to see things from his perspective. One, I realized that Adam never lies to me. He isn't going to tell me over & over again that I am beautiful just to hear himself talk. He truly believes that I am beautiful. Two, if Adam gains a little weight, has a stretch mark, gets a HUGE pimple, etc. I hardly even notice. If I do, he doesn't gross me out. He doesn't look less attractive to me. So why am I assuming that he thinks I am gross?

While I was in transition we figured out what might make me feel better so we could be spontaneous & not wait until bedtime for "playtime". We often find that if we wait until then we are way too tired & it gets pushed off. We missed an opportunity. First, there is the lights off, of course. Second, I would wear a tshirt, a short night gown, or a teddy. That way you can still be covered & sexy. That worked! I felt MUCH more comfortable.

Sure, I still worry about how many rolls are showing & I try to remain as straight as I can. LOL But, I don't let it prevent us from having sex. I think my husband would rather a junky me, than no me at all. He would rather me, than be tempted by other women or pornography. One of the great perks of being married is that you only have to show your "imperfect" body to one man. You don't have to suffer the dating scene. How awesome is that? Praise God!

I know it isn't easy. I can say that I have been there & still am in many senses. You just have to trust your man & go for it. Just do it! (and let us all know how it went) No details, please. LOL

Prayers - Day Twelve - Repost

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 12:49:00 -0500

Day Twelve - Repost - Sorry, this was a short one. Tomorrow's post is AWESOME!

Hello Ladies. We are getting closer & closer to the end of this 14 day challenge, can you believe it? I pray that all of you were successful in completing yesterday's lesson & that you each received a positive response from your husband. Did anyone's husband require a trip to the ER for going into shock? LOL

Lesson #12

Ask him how you can pray for him. We are assuming that he is a believer. If he is not, try it anyway, unless he has told you not to bring up spiritual things. For instance, if he is burdened about something at work, ask, "How can I pray for you that God will honor your good efforts?" Or, "I know that your boss has not been showing you the respect that he should, how should I pray for you?" Think of something that has been troubling him.

Dreams & Desires - Repost

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 11:13:00 -0500

Day Eleven - Repost

On Saturday night we went to our first marriage ministry small group meeting at church. It was awesome! We met some amazing people, shared our story, praised God, introduced Love & Respect, & made many future friends. We had an unbelievable time. Both of us were so jazzed up after meeting everyone that we could hardly contain ourselves.

That excitement rolled right into Sunday. Adam & I attended the 11am service at Lifepoint Church. Adam volunteered on the parking lot team, & I was stationed at the first time guests table. We are now official volunteers! We were able to meet a ton of new people & we had the honor of meeting Pastor Jeff Kapusta & his wife, Michelle for the first time. We are so blessed to be a part of this church & the marriage ministry. We look forward to growing with Lifepoint & helping in any way that we can. I can't explain to you in words how Adam & I felt this weekend. Being more involved in church has ignited a fire in us. Lookout world, lookout Wilmington, here come the Freemans.

For someone who thought that she was perfect, I feel as though I am writing 14 days of things that were wrong with me. Thank God that He opened my eyes & gave the me courage & strength to make a significant change in myself. The crazy thing is that I always thought that I would be much more uncomfortable about sharing my faults with anyone, much less the world. If my problems, issues, insecurities, or flaws can help you all, then it is worth it. I am willing to peel back my skin & expose myself. WARNING - it may not always be pretty.

As some of you already know from following Kayleigh's blog, Adam is interested in Mixed Martial Arts aka MMA. He started going to classes about two years ago, has completed in a couple of tournaments, & even had been writing a blog for a short time. See - Adam's Journey To The Cage. Adam has incredible skill & go can really far in this sport with the right training & support. Unfortunately, for a while, he didn't have support from me. To be honest, this was actually a complete misunderstanding that we have since worked out but what is important is how my behavior came across to Adam.

My first sign of negativity was the time that his "hobby" was taking away from our family. Fighting really isn't just a hobby to him, but that is how I was treating it. I wasn't very eager for him to get started in the first place & it certainly showed on my face & came across in my actions. After I saw how much it meant to him & that his fellow classmates praised him, I was accepting of him going to class & I supported him. Then one day he revealed to me that he wanted to get in the cage. Up until this point he was more interested in grappling, which is very close to wrestling. Basically, there isn't any striking. If he were to get in the cage, this would mean that there is a greater likelihood of injury, blood, facial transformation, etc. LOL Of course, my concern was only that I didn't want to watch my husband getting beat up. Please understand that I am not doubting my husband's ability or skill at all. Even the greatest fighters get caught the wrong way, get busted up, or even knocked out. I want to protect my husband as best as I can by being his wife.

What I didn't realize until Adam had made the decision to leave this past summer, was that he didn't feel that I was supporting his dreams & desires. My "concern" was coming off as negativity. I could not understand this because I had gone to see him at class, I sat front row at the tournaments, & I cheered him on endlessly. I was SO proud of him! I couldn't even believe that I was making him feel this way. What was worse, was that me "explaining" that this wasn't the case came across as convenient because he was leaving me. He thought that I was just saying anything to "keep" him. This couldn't have been further from the truth, but I could see why it appeared that way to him.

Since Adam & I have found our way back to each other I have been able to show him on several occassions that I fully support what he wants to achieve in MMA. I have taken more of an interest & I listen to his stories with a different ear. I actually look forward to hearing how class went & what he learned. Instead of wishing that he wouldn't go to class, I understand that he needs more classes to grow his skill even more. I am genuinely proud of his accomplishments & I want him to be the best that he can be.

I am excited to say that Adam is going to be in his first cage match in February! While I am nervous that he will spew blood everywhere or get a black eye, I have also learned that men treat injuries like trophies. Weird, I know. Who knew that I should consider that shaving scar on my leg from when I was 15 to be a first place prize? LOL I have absolute confidence in my husband & I can't wait to be right there for his first big win. I have grown to love this sport simply because he loves it. That shows him that I respect him & that I love him. I should never give anyone else the opportunity to be his #1 fan. That is my job. Now that I have learned from my mistakes, I don't plan to slack on the job again.

Why is this story important you ask? Well, here is today's challenge...

Lesson #11

Ask him about his dreams & desires. Say, "Honey, if you could do anything, what would you dream of doing? More than anything else, what would energize you?" Let him joke about sex, but say, "Apart from that, what would you most love to do & why?" He may ask you why you are asking him this. Just tell him that you were just curious & you wanted to know. After all, these are the kinds of questions that you might ask someone when you are dating to get to know them better. Don't be afraid of this. By asking these questions you are not committing to help him experience this dream. This is just a fun discussion. He isn't going to act on it just because you brought it up. Since God is at work in all of us to will his good pleasure, your husband might share things with you deep from his spirit. It will honor him that you will listen.

Most of you don't know this, but Adam proof reads my message every day before I post it. It never hurts to have a second set of eyes, & he is the blog master after all. We always discuss what we are posting & he usually gives me a minor pointer here & there. Tonight he had some amazing input that we think will make a tremendous difference in the spirit of husbands everywhere.

Lesson #11 - Bonus Material

If you ask your husband about his hopes & dreams & you find that what he wants to do is something that with minor modification can fit into your family schedule......encourage him to do it. Stand by his side & support him. Adam informed me that often times, men want to succeed at a hobby or goal simply to impress their wives or their children. Adam wants to win that fight, not just for himself, but for all of us. He wants us to be proud of him more than the joy that the win itself will bring. Honestly, what does an achievement mean if you don't have anyone to share it with.

You might also do something as simple as say, "Honey, you usually have to sit & listen to what went on in my day & I appreciate that so much. I know that I could go on & on venting about..... & you always listen to me. I am so sorry that I don't take the time to ask you this more often but, tell me how YOUR day went. What is going on with you?" Listen to him without distraction. You will surely see his spirit inflate.

Have you been guilty before of not supporting your husband just because you didn't understand why he was interested in something? Did you take away from his joy by being negative? Have you hurt his spirit by dismissing him when he tries to share his stories about things that are important to him? I have. We expect our husbands to listen to us rant & rave about anything & everything that is important to us. Not only that, but we want them to stop what they are doing & make eye contact with us while we go on complaining & complaining. Why can't we stop doing the dishes for two minutes to listen & share in his joy about how many fish he caught? Something that he was doing not only for fun, but to feed his family? He may have felt like a provider & we showed him that we don't even care. He will never tell us this, because remember, he hates confrontation. He just lets it build & build until he can't take it. I challenge you to really open yourself up on this lesson. Ask him these questions with the intent of really caring about what he has to say. If you are doing it half way, he will know it. Most of us show our true feelings a little too well on our faces & in our body language. Don't let this seem like a chore, be genuine.

In having my conversation with Adam tonight, I couldn't help but wonder something. In many cases, when a couple divorces the man will behave in a way that most of us women don't. They seem to go back to all of the things that they did when they were "young". They get more interested in sports, their hobby, drinking & going out, or even looking for younger women. They are going after things that they feel that they "missed out" on because they were a husband & a full time dad. They want to feel young again. If it won't hurt our family, send us to the poor house, or is sinful, maybe we should let our husbands be "boys" occasionally & let them chase their dreams/hobbies. They desire it. They need it. They will love us for it.

"Lord, please give us the strength to complete this challenge tonight. I am sorry that I have not shown my husband the proper respect in this arena before. I see that I may have hurt his spirit even when I had the best intentions. Please show me how to be more genuine, loving, & respectful to my husband's dreams & desires. I would want the same interest from him. Amen."

Are You Getting The Most Out Of This? - Repost

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 9 Feb 2010 10:06:00 -0500

Day Ten - Repost

Several days ago I mentioned how I started my personal transformation. Honestly, it didn't start out innocent. It started because I thought that I would find books, scriptures, & anything else that I could find that would "prove" my case that our marriage problems weren't me. I thought that I could show that they were all Adam's fault. Of course, this is because I am an angel & I could do no wrong. I even started going to counseling because I was sure that the counselor would back me up & then, HA....I would be declared "right".

I had already wasted 5 years of being "right" or should I say wrong? I thought of myself as a strong, independent woman. I fought for what I believed to be true & you couldn't convince me otherwise. Well, where did this get me really? Sure, it made me pretty successful in my business, but the recession has pretty much killed that. I was left with a broken marriage on the fast track to a divorce. The need to be strong, independent, or "right" is to get all of the things that we want. However, I was left with the one thing that I would NEVER want to be without, my husband. Why can't we learn to fight for our marriages like we fight when we want to prove our point? Do you want to be "right" at the cost of being divorced & having your children divided up like a bill or an asset?

Thankfully God was looking out for me. I told you that I had something like 13 books on self help, saving your marriage, separation, & how to pray. I felt like God led me in many different ways during those trying months & He led me to the right books at the right time. He knew what I needed to hear & when I needed to hear it. He also allowed me to really hear what those books were saying, to look deeply into myself, take ownerships of MY issues, & apply them. Praise God! I wasn't successful with this plan every single day & I don't expect that will happen in the future either. I am teaching myself how to be better, but I realize that I will never be perfect.

Last night I opened up, "The Language of Love & Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I have been spending so much time on, "Motivating Your Man God's Way" that I haven't been able to dig into this book as much as I have wanted to. I feel that God once again led me to what He wanted me to read & when He wanted me to read it. What I found on the very first few pages is something that I think most of us could benefit from based on the emails that I have received this week.

I am titling this, "How to get the most out of this blog, series, book, & journey". I challenge you & encourage you to implement these principles with an open heart & an open mind. I wish that I had this information when I was in the pits of my separation. I believe that it would have saved me a lot of time, pain, sorrow, & it probably would have gotten my marriage back together a lot sooner.

1. Read to understand how to respond to your spouse's negative behavior. Don't read to put your spouse on a guilt trip by saying, "See, this is you! This is what you do!" As you go through this journey & life transformation, it ~~may~~ will be easy to find examples of mistakes that your spouse is making. Please don't use what you find to attack your husband. Instead, use what God has so graciously revealed to you to learn how to respond to your husband with unconditional love & respect.

2. Read to understand your spouse. Learn why your husand reacts to you the way that he does. The goal is to have empathy for him so that you can respond in a loving & respectful manner. Remember, I told you about how I could have reacted much better to Adam when we had our most recent argument? I could have acted MUCH more loving & respectful by digging deeper to see what was "really" bothering him. I could have made him feel better with a simple gesture or by showing him that I cared that he was upset or hurting. I could have asked him what he needed from me to make him feel better. I would have wanted those things, so why am I not giving them?

3. Read to understand yourself, but be careful. Don't seek points that help you understand why you are saying or doing things & then use what you learn to justify your behavior. Also, don't seek to understand yourself just so that you can blame your husband by saying, "See? You made me act this way. It is really all your fault!" Your goal is to gain a better understanding so you can respond to your husband more loving or respectfully. Boy, I have been guilty of this. I am sure most of us have if we are being honest. Adam does it too. You could say, "Well, if you didn't do this then I wouldn't have done that." But, where does that really get us? We both end up hurting each other. If one of us (the more mature one) can turn the situation around, then only one of us got hurt. I promise you, it feels awesome when you are able to do this! It doesn't go unnoticed, even if they don't say it to you at that exact moment. In time, your behavior will be rewarded by your husband repaying the favor. You will undoubtedly one day hurt his feelings & he will show you love when you don't deserve it. Unconditional love. Can you show unconditional respect?

4. Read to help your spouse understand you, but be cautious here as well. Many spouses want to make this goal the first one instead of the last. If you start out by wanting to be understood instead of trying to understand your husband, you are approaching the entire topic of communication in a marriage in a very self-centered way. Self-centeredness does NOT lead to mutual understanding. Tell your husband that you are trying to make changes & THEN appeal to your husband to understand you.

I do not believe that we have to give up ourselves completely to make these changes. All we have to do is open our minds to accept that we aren't perfect, we make mistakes, we sometimes say hurtful things even though we didn't mean it, & that our husbands are good willed & battling demons just like we are. If we can believe that & do these challenges, we WILL make a difference in our marriages.

The testimonies are rolling in & it has only been a week. If you haven't been reading the comments each day, I invite you to do so. Don't just take it from me. Take it from all of the other wives that are doing this right along with you. Some of them are in a better place in their marriage but some of them are much worse than your own. Let that be your inspiration. If that doesn't work, use your need to be strong & "right" to a good cause. Prove to all of us that you really can do this! I ~~dare~~ triple dog dare you!

Lesson #10

Apologize. Think back over the last couple of days (or weeks) when you should have apologized for something. Say, "I was reflecting on something that I said the other day. I said that disrespectfully. What I said was wrong. I am sorry. Will you forgive me?" He may have been 90% to blame. This is not done to re-open the subject. You are apologizing for YOUR disrespectful part. If he starts justifying himself just say, "Honey, You don't have to get into that. I am apologizing for acting disrepectfully. Will you forgive me?" When he says, "Yes," respectfully say, "Thank you," & go do something else. Walk away. Please do not use this as an occasion to rehash the conflict. The showing of respect during this two weeks is not done for the purpose of getting him to look at his failure to love. You are showing respect in obedience to God's Word.

I know that this isn't going to be easy. I can say that because I have been there. I can't remind you enough that I am here for all of you. Please email me if you need me to help you. I will help teach you how to respond to a certain situation, I will help calm you down, I will be there for whatever you need. I will dedicate my time to help you if you want the help. Aimee@TeamFreemanProperties.com.

"Lord, please open my mind to the lesson today. Allow me to put my pride aside & complete this task. Allow me to act in a way that I desire to be treated by my husband. Help me to be the more mature one & work on myself & my marriage without the expectation of instant results from my husband. Lord, please give me a sign to let me know that my efforts are being noticed. Speak to me & show me even more that I can do to make a positive change. Father, I beg you to bless me with your forgiveness for not always treating my marriage as a priority. With your help, I am slowly recognizing my faults. Thank you, Lord. Amen."

Is Modification Needed? Repost

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 8 Feb 2010 11:19:00 -0500

Welcome ladies. I want to thank all of you that have added me on Twitter & Facebook. If you still want to "friend" or "follow" me you can just click on the links. I also see that many of you have grabbed a button from the sidebar & put it on your own blogs & websites! That is awesome. Wives are coming from your blogs all over & many marriages are getting stronger & stronger each day. Thank you all so much for your support & encouragement. I am feeling so blessed to be a part of this journey. Thank you all for your wonderful emails & comments on the posts. They keep me going! Honestly.

When Adam & I were separated, the hardest thing for me to wrap my brain around was how I was going to "show" him that I was changing if he was never around me. I mean, 3 1/2 hours away is pretty far! I was fortunate enough to have two weekends in the 2 1/2 months that Adam was gone. That's it though. Everything else that I did had to be over the phone, text, or in an email. Since we only spoke on the phone a small handful of times, it was pretty much email. I had to be resourceful. I couldn't do many of the tasks that these books were telling me in the exact way that they expected me to do them. I had to modify them. I REALLY wanted my marriage to work, so I was motivated & nothing was going to get in my way.

So, many of you have emailed me over the past few days asking me how you can do these challenges if you husband is already moved out, if your work schedules don't match up, etc. I encourage you to really think about each daily lesson. How can you make an adjustment to suit your situation? How can you begin to prove to your husband that he IS the most important person to you & that you will NOT let a little distance get in your way of making him happy again? What is 14 days? Dedicate yourself to giving this challenge your whole heart for 2 measly weeks. Is that too long to know that you have truly tried your hardest? That you have given this marriage all that you've got.

I will give you a few examples to get you started & I will try to give one along with each day in the future. If you come up with some great ideas, please post them in the comments section. There are a lot of women with this road block that could use your advice.

Day 3 - Tell him that you can't wait for him to be home when you are so that you can make his favorite meal for him. If it is going to be a few days, he will get excited thinking about it. If you have already separated, make his favorite meal & deliver it to him. Give him the dish with a note saying that you just wanted to do something nice for him, & then leave. No getting into conversations that could lead to arguments. Have no expectations. (I realize this will be hard)

Day 4 - If you can't say something nice about him to someone in front of him, send him a text or email saying something like this, "I ran into Susie at the store today. I was telling her how great you are doing at your job & I respected how many hours you are putting in." Or, something along those lines. Be creative. If you can't think of anything, I will help you. Just ask.

Day 5 - If you haven't seen him in a few days it should be fairly easy to dig up some kind of compliment. His shirt, his tan, his weight, or something.

Day 6 - This one can be tricky if you are separated. You don't want to be pushy. This is where I told Adam that I was sorry that I never treated "his things" as important to me. That left an imprint on him. After you say that though, you better mean it. Otherwise, you will lose all credibility & he won't trust your so called changes.

Day 7 - If you can't leave a note, leave a text or email. Take it one step further & send him a card. We love to send cards, don't we ladies? I have been doing this in the mornings several times a week. Adam gets up at 5am & I am NOT a morning person. He gives me a kiss goodbye which sometimes wakes me up enough to go use the bathroom & peek through my crusty eyes enough to leave him a text. I will say something like, "I hope that you have a great day today. Thank you for working so hard for our family. I respect you for waking up early every day without complaining. I love you." He has commented several times that this starts his day off on the right foot.

Day 8 - Can be done in text, email, or over the phone. Doesn't really need modification.

I hope that these ideas help. Just do me a favor. Think to yourself, is it really a challenge to do these lessons, or am I making excuses? Be honest with yourself.

I want to take a moment to say how very proud I am of all of you that have been doing these daily changes. I know that for some, each day has been extremely difficult but you have done it. That is something to celebrate. To show how much I appreciate you all, I wanted to send you some flowers. Well, virtual flowers that is. Enjoy!

I also want to let you know that as you begin making your life better & your marriage better, the devil will be watching out for you. He will try to get in the way of progress. I believe that is what happened to Adam & I. We were reaching so many people through Kayleigh's story that he tried to break us up. He knew how powerful we could be together. Don't let the devil in. Try to recognize when he is getting in the middle & regroup. Take a second to think, make a better plan, & apply your changes. You can do it & we are here to help you!

Lesson #9

Ask his opinion on some issue related to his expertise or interests. Phillipians 2:4 says, "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." If he is a political junkie, ask a political question. If he is a sports enthusiast, ask a sports question. Ask a question in an area that interests him. You are also letting him know that you respect his insights.

If you can get him to really get excited & you have several questions prepared, look out. He will be more than happy to talk about his interests with you. Go for it!

"Lord, thank you so much for guiding me each day so that I may make the right decisions for my family. Thank you for allowing me to have this chance. I have realized some of my previous errors & I ask for your forgiveness. Lord, I am trying so hard to right my wrongs, but I need your help. I have tried this on my own & it hasn't worked. Please continue to show me how I can be a better wife. Show me how to make my husband feel loved & respected. Father, thank you for having the faith in me that I can do this. Amen."

If You Don't Have Any Thing Nice To Say - Don't Say Any Thing At All - REPOST

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 5 Feb 2010 10:35:00 -0500

I just want to remind everyone that the Monday after Valentine's Day we will be starting The Love Dare. If you don't have the book, you might want to grab it the next time you are out. I will cover the challenges here so you don't HAVE to have it, but it is one of those books that I feel you will use over & over again throughout your marriage.

Day Eight - Repost (Be sure to read the BONUS testimonial repost at the very end.)

Hey ladies. Thank you all for visiting with me today. I appreciate it more than I will ever be able to express that you are taking this journey with me. I know I already said this, but I can't believe that we are over half way through. Great job everyone! We are SO proud of each & every one of you!

I hope that you all LOVE the new blog layout. I wanted to keep the look simple but add a little pizazz. I owe ALL thanks to Tinika Rothell at By His Design. She took care of everything for me. I think that it looks awesome. Thank you, thank you, thank you. If any of you are looking to do a little or a lot to your blog, check her out. Tinika Rothell - By His Design. Let me know what you think.

I also added a button to the right side column. Please help me spread the word about this blog. You would be absolutely shocked if you knew how many wives I have heard from this week. Help me help your friends, family, & co-workers. I bet there are a handful of people that you know that are struggling in their marriages but they don't want you to know. This is a great way to reach out to them incognito. I can't do this without all of you!

1. Copy the html code located under the button.
2. If you have a Blogger account, go to layout.
3. Add a gadget.
4. Scroll down to html/java script & click to add.
5. Choose a title (I called mine - Grab A Button).
6. Paste the html code in the body & click save.
7. Click save again on your main layout page.
8. You are all done unless you want to move the location of the button on the layout.
9. If you need to move it, just drag it to the proper location & hit save again.

Some of you have mentioned checking the blog over & over to see when a new post comes up. Well, there is a solution. You can join Twitter.com. (It's FREE) That way, when I post a new message you will get a text instantly! No more wondering. I have included a step by step process to make it as simple as possible.

1. Go to the main page at http://www.twitter.com/.
2. Go to the upper right corner & sign in or create an account.
3. Go to the tool bar at the top & click find people.
4. Type in my user name - aimeefreeman (no space - all one word)
5. You will see me come up. Click on my name.
6. You will be taken to another screen. Right under my photo it will say follow. Click that.
7. Once you are following me there will be a little cell phone icon to the right. Click that.
8. You will now receive a text instantly when I post a new message.

I you want to follow me on Facebook as well you can just click on my name to be taken directly to my page. Add me as a friend & poof! Instant buddies. Don't you wish it was that easy to make friends, really? Aimee Freeman I will update my status each time that I post a new message.

Since we are rapidly approaching the end of this 14 day challenge, I started planning our future lesson assignments. I was so blessed that Lisa Shea sent me over a 30 day challenge along with daily prayers for our husbands. It was quite ironic because I found one prayer in a book that I really enjoyed during our separation. I prayed this prayer out loud every night before bed. (I did my other prayers through out the day as I needed to spend time with God) The prayer can be found in, "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. It is the prayer at the end of chapter 1 - The Wife. This prayer gave me peace & comfort on a daily basis. This book taught me so much & it isn't very long. There were only a handful of books that spoke to me during this very difficult time, I think four to be exact. This is one of them.

I have to say that when I was going through the separation, praying was something that I did no less than 10-15 times a day. It was more like ~~begging~~ talking to God in the beginning. I didn't really know what I was doing. I reached a point where I was saying the same things each day. I then became numb & couldn't even remember what my prayers were or needed to be about. Out of frustration, I ended up writing out my own prayer, which I read several times each day. It was extremely long (go figure), but I prayed about everything that I hoped God would do inside of me & inside of Adam. Guess what? They ALL came true! Praise God!

So, back to the 30 day challenge. I am so excited for this because these little lessons go along with what we have already been learning. Each day is backed up by scripture found in the Bible. The best part is that there is a SMALL daily prayer as well. This will be EXTREMELY helpful to those of you (like me) that feel uncomfortable praying or don't feel like you know how to pray. When Lisa Shea & Larry Brey prayed with me on the phone, all I could think was, "WOW. I want to be able to pray like that. I want to have the "perfect" words to say to someone else. I want to have the confidence to pray in front of others." This daily prayer will be teaching me just how to do that. I can't wait!

Tonight's challenge is pretty straight forward but it may require some deep thought. Remember, keep an open mind & I am sure that something will come to you.

Lesson # 8

Relay a compliment about him. Reflect over the last few weeks. Did someone say something positive about him & honoring to you about your husband? Build him up (1 Thessalonians 5:11 says, "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.") Say, "I forgot to tell you, but so and so said this about you....."

"Lord, thank you so much for being by my side through this journey. It brings me peace that you are with me. Lord, please give me the wisdom to learn how to pray without begging for what I want. Please give me the faithfulness to stand by my husband, even when it is hard & I don't want to. Father, please show me in a clear & obvious way what you want me to do. Allow me to see the truth & not convince myself that you are showing me something that you are not. Please give me the strength to continue on this journey. Some days I feel as though you are all that I have & I thank you so much for that. I love you, Lord. Amen."

BONUS REPOST - TESTIMONIAL

Yesterday afternoon I received an amazing testimonial from a wife that was ready to give up on her marriage only 8 DAYS AGO. She sent me her story on Tuesday of last week & because it took me a while to get back to her she didn’t even start making changes until Thursday or even Friday. What a transformation her marriage has made in less than a week. Adam & I are so appreciative that she agreed to share her testimony in hopes of helping another marriage. Thank you!

Grab a beverage, sit back & relax, open your heart & mind, & be prepared to be inspired.

Email #1 -

“First I would just like to say what an inspiration your story has been to me. I am in awe of your faith through all that you have been through. I am not sure I could do the same. The marriage ministry you are now providing seems to be an answered prayer for me.
A couple weeks back I read Adam’s post about your marriage, only hours after my husband and I were discussing our remaining options for our marriage, and I felt like his post was the Lord talking to us. Sadly, today we sit in the same spot we were in two weeks ago. No one has moved forward and nothing has changed. This is a little odd to share all my problems with someone I have never met, but at the same time I feel like your ministry is a God send. To be honest, it would be so much easier at this point to walk out and give up. However, we have a beautiful 14 month old daughter, and I want nothing more than to make this work for her and for us.

Currently, I am not sure we even married for the right reasons, and a part of me wonders if I should have went through with the marriage in the first place. The wedding had already been called off once, and we had parted ways several times, the last time being the last chance for me. It was at this point we both started seeing other people and realized life without each other was not what we wanted. This is the point when we rushed in to a marriage (that I had been waiting on for what seemed like years). I was excited but unsure of what the future held for us.

Prior to marriage I was saved, but I was not right with the Lord. My husband was not saved, and our relationship was never built on Christ. My husband and I were raised in two entirely different homes and this has been a recipe for disaster. My husband’s parents have never truly loved him the way a child should be loved. His father has been somewhat abusive throughout his life and to this very day my husband still quests after their love, even if it means choosing them over me. (Major problem # 1)

In the beginning we got along great and never had any major fights other than the usual, money, stress, house hold chores, etc. Over time I have learned to choose my battles. However, things have definitely changed between the two of us. I harbor a lot of anger and resentment for the way things “used to be” and the fact that he always promises to change, but he never does.

But the major issues didn’t arise until our daughter’s birth, which to me should be the happiest time of all. The major problem in our marriage is his mother. She is a pathological liar and she has a very defiant attitude that she is the grandmother and rules don’t apply to her. She and I have never been close, and I doubt we ever will be. She never offered to once help out after my c-section or even bring us dinner, even when my husband asked. She came by all the time, held the baby and allowed no one else to and called constantly demanding to know where we were, why we were there (even when my husband was at work). These problems have progressed over a year, and over time I have grown a huge resentment towards her for the things she does. She tells our daughter when she cries for me that she doesn’t need me, she only needs her; she tells us she will do whatever she wants with our daughter and we can basically like it or lump it.

Our daughter’s first Christmas was ruined because she was screaming her head off for me and she refused to give her to me (I left in tears) and when our daughter finally went to sleep she purposely woke her up. Her first birthday party was ruined because she would not allow anyone else to visit with her. She kept taking her outside away from everyone and when my family tried to tell her bye, his mother would pick her up and take her away on purpose. She showers her with gifts every time she is around (every holiday is like Christmas at their house). If we ask her not to do something she does it anyway. We can tell her we have plans, she shows up anyway. Needless to say there are lots of problems with her and because of that, us.

The problem between us is he doesn’t want to deal with any of these issues, and all they have to do is get on to him for something that has to do with our daughter and he takes it out on me. No matter what his parents do it is okay, because he is still questing for their love. She has since figured out he is still trying and does whatever she can to get on his good side.

If he and I take a day together or as a family she calls every hour. We cannot even have a dinner to ourselves. Saturday was trick or treat and she called him when we were at my mom’s house to see if we were still there and wanted to know why.

I am lost on what to do. This is his mother, and it is obvious things are not going to change and we can’t change her. I cannot continue to stay in this marriage with things the way they are. She is tearing us apart. Nothing is the same between us anymore. Our marriage is dead. The spark is totally gone. He finally admitted it himself a couple weeks ago. He does not like to deal with problems; but finally he at least admitted that. The problem is we don’t know how or if you can get it back. The love is gone, and there is no desire for intimacy. We don’t greet each other at the door anymore and sometimes we go to bed without saying good night. It breaks my heart because we used to have a love so powerful I would run to the door the minute I heard his truck pull up, and we could sit for hours and do nothing but still have the best time.

I am weary of trying and weary of holding on to something I fear we may never get back. How do you get something back that has been gone for so long?

Please be in prayer for us. I just feel so hopeless.

Thank you for this ministry and thank you for sharing your inspiring story.

May God Bless you and your ministry………”

Yesterday’s Email -

“Hey Aimee. First let me just say again I am so thankful for what you are doing with this ministry. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise or let anyone discourage you from what you are trying to do.

Friday night was awesome! Before even cooking dinner Friday night I showered, fixed my hair (just the way he likes it), redid my make up and I even painted my toe nails LOL. That is a plus for me with a 14 month old and no one else home. I am surprised my carpet is not a shade of red at the moment, but she did much better than I anticipated. I actually felt really good about the whole evening, but I must admit, I was a nervous wreck! I seriously felt like it was our first date or something.

I prayed several times for strength to meet him at the door. I admire that in your original post for this challenge you mentioned how awkward this is for those of us whose marriage is on the brink of divorce. I could have never imagined how awkward this would be for me, but you were right it was. I prayed about it and will even admit (to you) my whole heart was not in it. There was that stubborn part of me saying “don’t do something for him that he does not do for me”, but I told that voice to be quiet and went forward with the plan. When I heard his truck pulling in the drive way I thought I was going to upchuck. When he opened the door I met him there, gave him a big hug, kiss and told him I missed him. You would have thought I handed him a million dollars or the keys to a brand new truck. I have not seen him smile like that in a very long time. He was very receptive and grinning and giggling all over himself. He noticed my effort to look good and went on and on all night about how good I looked and smelled and he even noticed I wore my hair just like he likes it and painted my toenails.

You were right, however, about the sarcastic comments and questions; he did ask what was up, what was going on, what did I want, etc.

His response has been so inspiring. It gave me just what I needed to keep going. Already I could see a change in him and in us just by this one little gesture. IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!

Do you know that he even told me, “This feels like the old us again. I like it.”

THANK YOU – THANK YOU – THANK YOU – THANK YOU – THANK YOU – THANK YOU – THANK YOU – THANK YOU – THANK YOU – THANK YOU.

Our 4 year anniversary is next week; I feel like this glimmer of hope has been the best anniversary gift of all.”

This came in this morning –

“If I had not started following Kayleigh’s blog, and in turn read Adam’s post and in turn found your ministry I don’t know where we would be right now. I feel 99% sure we would have been divorced down the road because I would have walked out. I felt so hopeless until now. You decided to share your story to help someone, and I feel compelled to do the same.
All this time I have been blaming him for everything. And to be honest through all this I realized one of my favorite things to preach to him “that marriage is a two way street” was not something I was doing myself. I never realized I was being disobedient to the Lord by not treating my husband the way I was commanded to. Now I realize those instructions, just like everything else in the Bible, are there to teach us how to live. One tiny gesture made the world of difference and for the first time in a long time I have FAITH that this marriage will find its way back to way things used to be and to an even better place. My husband and I have always believed we were stronger people for having gone through what we did prior to getting married, and I whole heartedly believe we will definitely be a stronger couple for having gone through this.

I received my books and CD last night. I was so excited to look at them, but I didn’t get a chance because my hubby was home. He was however VERY CURIOUS about the package and he kept insisting he wanted to see what books I ordered. I tried several times to veer him away from this. He would have never been interested before and I hated not to tell him, but at the same time I didn’t want him to think this was a project. I listened to part of the CD on the way to work this morning. I LOVE it. Everything that was said was SO TRUE, and it has already made a huge difference for me. It has really made me look at my husband in a different way. It has been very encouraging and uplifting. I brought it in with me so I can listen to the rest of it today.

One more thing, I was able to read some comments the other day and I was in shock after reading the post about being a door mat. I can see where this has been misunderstood over time with our society and its beliefs in the modern world; I too had this attitude a long time ago. However, as difficult as it has been, I have realized that I am not following God’s commandment to respect my husband so why should I get love in return? Just like Adam said you have to give to get. And two wrongs never make a right. Even if in the end my husband doesn’t change, I pray for strength to keep being obedient to the Lord. I definitely do not feel like a door mat, and I don’t feel like your challenges and posts are encouraging us to be door mats either.”

Ladies, I mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say that I truly believe that these principles can work for each & every one of you. Please give the Love & Respect series a chance. You have absolutely nothing to lose. Who knows, you could be our next incredible testimonial that with inspire other wives & save numerous marriages. Praise God!

Halfway There - Day Seven - Repost

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 4 Feb 2010 09:30:00 -0500

Welcome ladies! How exciting that today is the halfway point of the 14 day challenge. I can't believe that it is going by so fast. I know that yesterday was pretty heavy stuff, from the emails & comments that I have been reading, you all are digging pretty deep into yourselves. I am so proud of all of you for taking this journey with me & being honest with yourself.

Last week, we went to church we heard a great message. Well, there is a great message every Sunday at church, which is why I always have a ton of notes. Can you believe that I am a note taker? Ha! I am. Anyway, I was trying to tell Adam about something that really stood out to me but I couldn't seem to put it into words. Then today, Pastor Daryl posts it on his blog, a whole 8 days later. Plus, I got a Twitter text from someone that doesn't know me personally telling me to check out Pastor Daryl's blog. (I had never visited there before) I think God wanted me to share this message.

With all credit going to Pastor Daryl who I believe "borrowed" the message from Larry Brey at our old home church - Elevation, here is his post....

The Perception Principle is this: How you perceive someone is how you receive them.

This principle is huge. Take for instance Jesus in His own hometown in Mark Chapter 6. The Son of God comes home and instead of them receiving him as who he was they received him as a common man (just a carpenter) and because of their perception of him, they missed out on a receiving what he had for them.

The awesome thing about principles is that they are usually universal. I believe that the Perception Principle is HUGE in our lives. If we perceive our spouses as nags guess how we receive them? If we perceive teenagers as worrisome trouble makers guess how we receive them. If you perceive your team as lazy or incompetent guess how you receive them?

And how you receive people is how you speak to them. If you perceive negative aspects, that’s all you speak to. However if you choose to perceive people based off of their potential and based off of God’s Word, then you speak to them in that light, you encourage, you coach, you believe the best!

Choose to perceive others through God’s eyes and not your own and see what happens!! I believe in you!!

Wow! I can immediately see how not living the Perception Principle has negatively affected my marriage in the past. Not only in my marriage, but also in my children's lives, my relationship with bosses or co-workers, other family members, friends, etc. The list goes on & on. You have made a decision in your mind that is negative, so you have lost from the beginning. That person could bring a great blessing in your life but you will be unable to truly receive it.

Some of you are really struggling with this. Even after yesterday's post I have received countless emails about women being worried about being a doormat, being submissive, or not being equal to your husband. You have already decided that this 14 day challenge WON'T work for you because you aren't going to let it. You have already lost so why should you even start?

Let me ask you this...do you really want to be equals? I mean, to the full extent. If your car breaks down, can you fix it? If you need handyman things done around the house, can you do them? If a burglar breaks into your home, are you going to investigate it or are you going to grab your husband? (I am not suggesting that women CAN'T do these things. I am only suggesting that this is usually when the double standard comes in.) God commands our husbands to be protectors & the leaders in our home. We need to allow him to fulfill his role & we need to fulfill ours. This doesn't make us submissive or less of a person. It makes us obedient. Lisa Shea sent this to me this afternoon & I want to share it with you. At first I was disappointed that I didn't get it before I posted yesterday's post, but now I see that I would need to reiterate my message. "Being a respectful wife won’t make you a doormat. It makes you a welcome mat to the power & the presence of God!!"

Really think about what being "equal" means to you. If you are not careful, you just may find out what equally divorced, equitable distribution, or equal custody means. I know that isn't what you want or you wouldn't be reading this blog in the first place. Let us help you help your marriage!

Lesson #7

Leave a note for your husband that says, "Thank you for wanting to work hard for our family. Your desire & commitment makes me feel secure". Words are healing. Proverbs 16:24 says, "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."

Hang in there. You are halfway through! Keep an open heart toward God. Let God act on your behalf in response to these plans. Proverbs 16:9 says, "The mind of a man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps".

"Lord, thank you so much for giving us the strength to make it half way through this 14 day challenge. We could not take this journey without your help. Lord, please help us to have faith in this process. Please give us a sign from our husbands that our efforts are working. You might have to speak loud & clear to us for us to hear what you are saying to us. Please don't give up on us, Lord. We want our marriages to work, & we have taken the first step by accepting this 14 day challenge. Thank you Lord for holding us close when we feel as though we have nobody else on our side. Amen."

Simply Selfless - Day Six - Repost

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 3 Feb 2010 11:42:00 -0500

Remember ladies, post your MckLinky everyday so that everyone could find your website easily.

Day Six - Repost

When this 14 day challenge first started, I am sure that many of you felt like the lessons were "tasks". I am hoping that as we go along, you will feel a change in yourself, & in your husband that will allow the lessons to feel fun & rewarding instead of a job. That is what has happened to me.

Meeting Adam at the door has become one of the most exciting things that happens during the day. I have taken this challenge very seriously. I feel that it is not only important to my marriage, but I need to give it my all for all of you as well. I want to show you things that actually work & will make a difference. I make sure that if it is almost time for Adam to come home, that I am listening out for him. If I can help it, I won't be in the middle of something when he gets here. A bathroom trip can wait, that extra few dishes in the dishwasher can wait, & checking Facebook one last time can wait. Adam is the most important person/thing & he needs to come first. I came home the other day after helping to set up for the March of Dimes fundraiser & everyone else was home. Allyson met me at the door, Adam was working on his computer, & Brandon was playing Playstation. The boys didn't get up to greet me. Adam caught himself & has since apologized, which I thought was an awesome improvement. I saw firsthand what a difference it makes to be greeted. I felt as if the boys could have cared less if I were here or not. I didn't feel "missed", & that was upsetting. Doesn't everyone like to feel wanted, needed, & missed? Well, so do our husbands.

With that being said, I want to address an issue that has been emailed to me or posted a few times in the comments section. I want to be very clear about why I am personally doing the 14 day challenge. I am doing this along with all of you because I should have been doing these lessons all along. The Bible commands us to be respectful to our husbands, & I was not. I am doing this to be a better wife, a better friend, a better lover, a better mother, & to obey God. Someone posted & said that they hope I didn't feel so desperate that I am killing myself to do nice things for Adam. They suggested that I might be feeling as though another man wouldn't want me because I have two kids from another man. They suggested that I am only doing these lessons to "keep him". To this I say, you are right! I am doing all of this to keep him. But, not because I am some big loser that should be ashamed of my behavior or because I have low self esteem. I am doing this because I want to keep my husband, the man that God chose for me, the man that I should have been treating this way from the beginning, the man who admitted to the world (not just me) that he made a mistake, a man who treats me with love (which he has also shared with the world), & a man who feels that working to make our marriage the very best that it can be is important. So, while I appreciate your concern for me, & you feel as though you are looking out for me, I think that you are the one that is losing out. The changes that we have made in ourselves & in our marriage have brought us to a level of intimacy that many couples dream of. I feel extremely lucky & blessed to be Mrs. Adam Freeman. I wouldn't want to be anyone else. For that, I WILL kill myself to make this man happy & feel respected. But in turn, he is doing the same for me. Praise God!

My hope is that those of you that have posted about being worried about being submissive to your husbands will give this a chance. If you feel that you are being less of a woman or you feel like this change is unfair, give this a chance. If you feel like you are being a door mat or you feel that acting with love & respect is teaching your husband that the unloving behavior is okay, give this a chance. I would be happy to speak with those of you that feel this way, one on one. Just please email me. Aimee@TeamFreemanProperties.com. I am willing to put my time into your marriage. Your marriage is important to both Adam & I so please, let your marriage be that important to you. If your husband is willing to speak with Adam, Adam will take his time to speak with him. Adam@TeamFreemanProperties.com We can't tell you how much helping you means to us. Do this challenge with an open mind, & an open heart. Do it for yourself, do it for your kids, do it for your husband, do it for your extended family, for the kid's cousins, & do it because God commands you to do it. If that doesn't motivate you, do it as practice for your next marriage. Seriously. I am not saying that I will ever agree with you getting divorced but, if you aren't respecting now, you won't respect your next husband either. You will just find yourself in the same place again but with even more baggage for your 2nd, 3rd, 4th, or 5th husband. How deep does the pain have to go to make a change? For now, don't worry about what your husband is doing. Worry about what YOU are doing to improve YOUR marriage & YOUR family.

If I asked you what your most important asset was, most of us would say our home or our cars. Right? Because these items are so important to us, we are constantly doing what we need to do to maintain them. We don't want our air conditioner to go out in the middle of summer, or our heat to go out in January. We don't want to get bugs in the house so we clean up, take out the trash, & do the dishes. We mow the lawn in the summer time once a week because it will look terrible & we will get a letter from the homeowners association. We don't want our cars to break down in the middle of the freeway at rush hour with a car full of kids, do we? To prevent this from happening we get the oil changed, & get our cars serviced every so many miles. If anything went wrong with any of the items that I mentioned, who would you call first? Hmm, I think that I just heard all of your say, "my husband". I agree. That is exactly what I would do.

What are you doing to "maintain" your marriage? Is it on auto-pilot? Do you feel that nothing is ever going to break down & you don't have to get a checkup every so many miles? Why is your husband the first person that you call when there is a "problem" but you aren't taking care of him the way that you need to be to prevent a marital breakdown in the first place? Your house & your car are NOT your most important assets. Your husband is. The Bible says that God is to be the most important to you, then your husband, then your children, & then your job. I encourage you to think about this long & hard today. Are you living this way? Are you going to face a break down that is going to total your relationship, creating damage that can never be repaired?

Ladies, I know how this feels. Not so long ago I was one of the most stubborn people you could meet. I could do no wrong, & nothing was my fault. I didn't want to look at myself this way or go to a counselor because they would see how I was destroying my life & my family's life. I could manipulate Adam but I would not be able to get past a "professional". Where did that get me? Where did "my way" or what I thought was right lead me to? Nearly to a second divorce by age 35. I was approaching a Jerry Springer episode, & fast. I am begging you, please, please give up on "your way" of thinking. Try these principles. If I can do it, be happy about it, not feel submissive, or like a door mat......you can too. I promise.

Lesson #6

Think of something that your husband would enjoy doing this evening. Say, "I'd like to watch the football game with you, when is it on"? Or, "I know that you have been talking about cleaning out the garage, I'd like to help". Whatever it is that he would like to do that you may not normally be interested in. If he declines, that is fine. You sent a positive message. If he says ok & the game comes on at 8pm, be there & excited. Maybe even go the extra mile. If he loves the Carolina Panthers, put on some black & blue. Get into it & make it fun!

If while you are spending this time together he says, "You have really changed. What has gotten into you"? Just say, "Thank you. Tell me again about the quarterback. Didn't he just have a run in with the law recently"? Then change the subject. Pull him out on some topic related to the activity. Please do not enter into any relationship discussions or talk about any arguments or negative feelings that you are having. We want you to learn that you can energize your husband simply by being with him.

I know that this is a really long post, but I want to give you two examples of this before I go. One I realized a few months ago & one was just the other day since applying these lessons. Adam has always been fantastic about doing what I like but I haven't always done the same for him. I LOVE the 80's! I mean, I really LOVE the 80s. LOL The music, the B rated movies, everything. Well, they didn't have DVDs back then so when one of my favorites come out, I like to rent it. I know that most of them are terrible & the acting is not so great, but hey, I grew up on these movies. Adam always agrees to watch them & he is genuinely excited. He tells me that he liked the movie when it was over & he always comes back for more. (even though I know he can't possibly like all of them) He enjoys watching those movies for one reason only, because I enjoy them. Now me on the other hand, I am extremely guilty of not offering up the same enthusiasm. I realized this during our separation. Adam would email me videos of tornados, shark attacks, etc. I would literally feel "bothered" if he stopped me from what I was doing for something not important. Well, it was important to him. I would kick & scream if he wanted to watch a movie that I didn't want to watch. You know a man's movie. Like Jaws or the most recent one.....The Last Dragon. I witnessed the joy in Adam's eyes (& his brother's) when they came across the DVD. It is also a B rated, 80's movie. I did start to show that I was not interested in watching this movie as well, but fortunately I caught on to my negative behavior & we enjoyed it together last Sunday afternoon. It wasn't as bad as I built it up in my head & I actually got into it. Since then we have made several referrences to the movie. LOL

My second example was one that I just realized last week because of my application to the lessons of Love & Respect. Men are okay with what is referred to as shoulder to shoulder contact. Whereas, we prefer face to face contact. What does this mean? Well, a man is happy just to have us in the house, in the room, or sitting next to him on the couch. For us to feel as though we are getting quality attention, we feel that we need to be "talking". Of course! When Kayleigh was in the hospital, Adam & I would take turns on who's day it was to hold her. I would HATE when it wasn't my day. I loved holding her so much. We would talk, rock, read, or just look at each other. Many times when it was Adam's day, he would close his eyes & fall asleep while she was in his arms. (I would stay awake to be sure that he didn't drop her. LOL) I would get so irritated with him. I felt like he was "wasting" his time with her. He would always tell me that he was fine just having her in his arms. I didn't get it & I never will. I am not wired to have those feelings. He was fine being shoulder to shoulder & just being together. It was when I realized this that I really became bought in to tonight's lesson. Adam completely agreed when I reminded him of his feelings around that time. He has become more aware of what face to face attention means to me as a woman. Just last night I was feeling very unsatisfied. I couldn't lay a finger on what was wrong. He has been really busy this week & so have I with this new blog. We haven't spent much time together, even though we have been in the house at least 5 hours a day, awake. I told him that I think that I am just craving some face to face & he knew exactly how to respond. It is indecribable how communicating this way & understanding each other makes our marriage so much easier!

I bet that your husband could go fishing for 12 hours & hardly speak to their friends at all. Adam could go on his annual guy's trip for an entire weekend without gaining any "new" information. I could say, "How is Mike's job." Or, "How is Julie's pregnancy coming along?" Chances are, Adam couldn't answer. Men don't NEED that kind of relationship. They just enjoy being together, doing what guy's like to do. Could any of us go fishing for 12 hours & stay quiet? I didn't think so. Honestly, I know so. When we go fishing together, my spirit will change if there is too long of a period where Adam doesn't check in with me. I NEED that. Especially if he wants me to keep going fishing with him!

"Lord, thank you so much for giving us some extra time to spend with our families this weekend. I pray that everyone enjoyed themselves. Please give us the courage to complete tonight's lesson. I pray that our efforts are noticed by our husbands & we bring joy into their evening. Lord, please allow us to complete this lesson with an open mind in hopes that we will truly enjoy the very thing that our husband enjoys. Amen."

Don't You Love My Muscles? Repost

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 2 Feb 2010 12:02:00 -0500

Day Five - Repost

Good evening ladies! I know that last night I really laid a lot on you. Some of you may still be emotionally exhausted from the challenges that we were faced with, so tonight I will take it easy on you. From the comments that you have been posting & the emails that I have been getting it sounds like you are all doing a great job! I am so proud of all of you for looking deep into yourselves & accepting that it isn't ALL your husband's fault. That is an excellent step.

Have you ever walked into the bathroom only to find your husband or your son flexing in front of the mirror?

I mean, the guy in the second picture looks like he is going to kiss his bicep! Something tells me that if we could see the photo that was taken next, he did kiss it! Every boy & every man does this. I don't get it & I am sure that most of you don't either.

I haven't caught Brandon doing this yet, he is only 8, but he has started to be concerned about the size of his muscles. I have squeezed his non-existent biceps a few times in the last month. Of course he thinks that they are huge. LOL The first time that he flexed for me, he was so excited. As a loving & supportive mother, I didn't tell him that he had me feeling his shoulder. :) Now don't worry, I am not going to American Idol him & let him sign up for a bodybuilding competition. I will be honest with him when it counts. No need to embarrass the poor little guy.

Now Adam on the other hand is a different story. I am proud to say that I am married to the most gorgeous & eye pleasing man on the planet, but does he really need to see how every muscle looks in the mirror? Yes, he does. It is a man thing that we will never understand. My concern was that Adam was loving his body as much as I was. Adam is the least egotistical person you will ever come across, so I had to ask. I had to put my curiosity to rest.

The topic came up this past week when we were discussing the challenge for tonight. He said that it isn't an egotistical thing. It is the need for feeling strong. That I can wrap my mind around a little better. Now that I know he isn't "in love with himself" maybe I can stop laughing every time I see him do it.

When I was reading the 14 day challenge for the first time, tonight was the night that I personally would have the hardest time with. I was making all kinds of excuses about how uncomfortable this would be to most of us & ways to modify it to help ME. I needed to remember that this isn't about me. This is about making my man feel like a man, a protector. Making him feel as though I desire his body or have "noticed" him in a way that I did before we married. I am EXTREMELY attracted to my husband & this is a challenge. Not because I don't feel it or want to do it. Just because it feels funny to me. Hmm, I am thinking that just sounded disrespectful. This is important to him, so I will do it. Do I have you scared to death right now?

Lesson #5 - Squeeze his muscle & tell him he is strong. (stop laughing, I can hear you) Do not make a big deal about it. Just do it quickly & in passing. Remember, you are not a man & you won't get this. Commenting on his strength is commenting on his manhood. Maybe he has been working out & you can tell him that you are noticing his changes while you squeeze his muscles. If that isn't an option, maybe you could just tell him that you want to feel his strong muscles to see what they feel like. Then you could compliment him. Adam even suggested that you simply ask to see his hands. Tell him that you never realized how strong his hands looked. He says this is something that would mean a lot to him. (Plus it might feel more comfortable for you.) Don't forget, I am doing these challenges too. However, I am at a disadvantage because Adam knows what each day calls for. I have to be extra sly & sincere so he knows that it isn't just a task. See, you guys have it easy. Don't make excuses, just do it!

Maybe thinking about it this way will help you a bit. When we get dressed up or our daughters get dressed up we want our husbands to acknowledge how pretty we are. That is because we have a feminine need. Most of our husbands could throw on wrinkled clothes from the floor that smell & have dog hair on them. They won't care. Just as long as their muscles look good! LOL
So go ahead, squeeze it. I bet he will flex.

"Lord, thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to show my husband how much he means to me. He is our families protector & I appreciate & respect him so much for that. Lord, please help me through tonight's challenge. It feels odd & unnatural to me but I know that it is important to my husband. Please help me complete this task with sincerity & without laughing. I know that will only cause more harm than good. Amen."

Do Your Words Speak Love & Respect? - REPOST

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 1 Feb 2010 11:46:00 -0500

I hope that everyone enjoyed their weekend with their family & all of your dinners turned out AMAZING!

Day Four - REPOST

I forgot to mention the other night when I was posting about the Love & Respect series that you can watch video testimonials of other couples online. My mentor, Lisa Shea's testimony is posted there. Check them out. I love hearing the stories of other couples that turned their marriages around. Many of them seemed hopeless & they were able to revive them. Here is the link again but you can always find it on my sidebar. http://www.loveandrespect.com/.

I was listening to my Crazy Cycle CD again this morning & Dr. Eggerichs asks a few questions that I would like for you all to think about. Do you feel like your husband has a good heart? Do you feel that your husband is good willed? If you have children, would you trust your children to be in your husband's care if you passed away? If you answered yes to these questions, I challenge you to think again about why you may be considering divorce. Could it just be because you have become bitter, lost your way, or have closed off your own heart? If you really believe that your husband is a good willed man & is good to your children, don't you want to fight to hang on to him? Something to think about it.

I know that last night I dropped this respect bomb on you. Some of you might be thinking that you are a strong independent woman, you don't want to be submissive to your husband or that by respecting him, you are not considered "equal". I think that a few months ago I would have probably felt some of those same things. I have always been strong willed & a leader. However, I realize now that what I was doing was disobedient to God. I can be a leader at my job, but not in my home. That is Adam's job & that is what God called him to do. By interfering with that plan & not allowing Adam to do his Godly duty, I am also disrespecting him. This does not mean that I am less of a person or woman for obeying. I am simply being the part of the TEAM that I am supposed to be.

When you speak to your husband or about your husband in public, around your friends, family, or co-workers, do you speak about him in the highest regard? Do you go out of your way to uplift him? Do others think more highly of your husband than you do? When you speak of your husband, can others feel the love & respect that you have for him?

I have been extremely guilty of this in the past. However, it was never intentional. What I thought was innocent picking on him came across terribly disrespectful to him. The worst part is, due to the fact that he is wired the way that he is & because he knows that I would probably wrongfully attack him for bringing to my attention the innocent complaining, he just kept bottling it up. His wounds were getting deeper & deeper & I didn't even realize what I was doing was causing so much trouble.

It is sad to say & embarrassing to admit, but I allowed others to honor my husband considerably more than I did. Adam is the sweetest, most sincere, loving, honest, helpful, & encouraging man that I have ever known, but he wasn't hearing that from me. Most of you reading Kayleigh's blog gave my husband more praise than I did. That is ridiculous! What was I thinking? Was I just taking him for granted? Did I harbor so much frustration, anger, pain, or even resentment that I was blind to his wonderful qualities? Ladies, are you doing this in your marriage? As painful as it is, please be honest with yourself. I am not one to admit that I am wrong & I honestly think it took Adam leaving me for me to see what I was doing. You need to correct this issue before it happens to you.

I haven't mentioned this before & I don't mean to be egotistical, but I have a God given talent to be a great salesperson. Unfortunately, I was using this precious gift to manipulate & get my way. I don't believe that I knew that I was doing this, which I guess is the good news. I thought that I was just "sticking up" for my opinions or trying to prove a point. What I was doing was teaching Adam that he would never win with me. I was damaging his manhood & making him feel less in our home. I unfortunately was letting him know loud & clear that he was NOT our leader. What kind of damage are you causing?

One of the biggest eye openers from me was how I was treating Adam in relation to Brandon & Allyson. We would discuss this issue from time to time, but like everything else, Adam would drop it to do the honorable thing & avoid confrontation. I am not one of those mothers who thinks that the children do no wrong, but I have to say that my kids are pretty awesome. Brandon is a wonderful mix of handsome, sweet, hilarious, & loving. Allyson is gorgeous, (did you notice that she looks like me - LOL) motherly, intelligent, & sensitive. They very rarely get into any trouble. However, when they do get in trouble, it is usually Adam bringing it to their attention. He will admit that he gets frustrated a little quicker than I do. When he does, it bothers me to no end. I feel that it always happens at the worst times. If I slaved and sweated buckets over a nice family dinner, something happens for Adam to scold the kids while we trying to have special family time by us all eating together. If we are having a rare day out at the park or zoo, something will happen and Adam would punish them. I don't intend to sweep the kids disobedience under the rug. I just want to maintain a family unity where we all get along & have a good time. Between school, work, personal activities, & the kids spending half of the week with their dad, we don't get that much time together. I don't want to spend it arguing. I have been known more times than not to question Adam about his discipline & often this is done in front of Brandon & Allyson. I realized that this is NOT the way that this should be handled. If I am being honest, this is my biggest struggle of all & I am a work in progress. I "mean" no disrespect because I simply want to "protect" everyone's feelings, but what I am doing is showing a huge amount of disrespect. What I am really doing is showing Adam that the kid's feeling are more important. Is it a shock that he didn't feel as though he was a good leader? I didn't let him!

Ladies, I know that I am not alone here. I am sure that some of you are feeling absolutely ashamed of yourself right now because you are realizing what you have been doing too. I understand. I feel like I just drug myself through the mud typing this. However, I know in my heart that I am good willed & never intentionally did any of this. That counts for something. I am so blessed that God showed me the error of my ways before it was too late. Can you imagine realizing your faults after the divorce, after you break your children's hearts, & after your husband has remarried? I personally would be devastated.

When I married Adam, I knew that he was my soul mate. He was the person that God chose for me & I couldn't have been happier. Hang on to that. Some of you feel as if you never loved your husbands from the start and you probably never thought you should have gotten married in the first place. Honestly and with complete respect to all of you who feel this way, you have convinced yourself of these lies! The longer the problems have been going on, the further away from the real truth you feel. Check this out...in three short months, Adam convinced himself that we should have never gotten married and that he loved me for all the wrong reasons. He will mark my words and tell you that he convinced himself of lies because it was easier for him. I am sure a psychologist would back me up on this, but you have trained your subconscious mind to believe these lies you have told yourself day in and day out for such a long time. These lies started when you were angry at your husband and you started to think negative thoughts. Just like any negative habit, it festers and grows worse and worse until it is either recognized and fixed, or it ruins a lot more than you could have imagine. The sad thing is, most people realize this issue after the damage has been done. I hope this hits home and you recognize this problem right now and fix it. They say that people change & people grow apart. but I believe that people make changes. They move apart because of how they are treated. That can be repaired. Don't let a divorce happen in your life & have to settle for second best. You have your God chosen partner with you right now, today. Don't lose him.

Lesson #4 - When your husband is around, say something honorable about him in front of your children or his peers. Perhaps say, "When it comes to math, few are as smart as your dad. Why don't you ask him to help you with that question." Or, "Your dad works every day so that we can live in this home. He is a very hard worker." Or, "Do you know what I admired about your dad when we first met? It was....."

This kind of thing is not hard for us women. We are only talking about a few sentences. God has gifted us to communicate. If you are thinking that you can't do this, you are lying to yourself. The truth is that you don't WANT to say something honorable to a man that you don't feel is as nice as he should be to you. You are locked into the idea that he must earn your respect. I know that you might be upset with him & that he should also be honoring you. Remember, the most mature one moves first. The more respect you give, the more opportnity he has to (in return) show love. A mature wife looks beyond her husband & speaks these words because the Lord wants us to.
1 Peter 3:9 says, "not returning.....insult for insult, but give a blessing instead."
You can give a verbal blessing. No sweat!

"Lord, thank you so much for getting me through the first three days of this challenge. I am looking forward to the changes that I can make in myself & in my marriage. Please open my heart & my mind to do these challenges to the fullest & without resistance. Lord, please don't let any negative feelings that I may have about my husband come through in my expressions or demeanor. Please continue to hold my hand & guide me through this forest. I can't find my way without you. Lord, I ask that you give me the perfect, honoring compliment to say to my husband tonight. I want to leave an impression on his heart that he will never forget. I want to be the wife that my husband is proud of. Please make me a better wife & let it be for my husband. Amen."