Wonderful World of Wieners

Is It Just Me Or......

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 08:01:00 +0000

Is it just me or...does Paula Deen have some sort of agreement with God? Sort of a GET OUT OF HEAVEN FREE card? Cuz with the amount of butter she uses in her recipes, she ought to be about six feet under. Hell, my arteries start to clog just watching her show!

Is it just me or...are exercise instructors too effing chipper? It's not enough that they're torching us, but they have to go and look like their in ecstasy while doing it. Asshats. All of them.

Is it just me or...is a needy wiener even MORE adorable than a non-needy wiener? If you don't have an opinion on this one, come one over and see for yourself. Cuz when Fenway wants attention, there's nothing, and I mean nothing, cuter.

Is it just me or...is this ask.com commercial SO FREAKIN' ADDICTING?? Not only is it addicting, but it's damn catchy!! I can't stop yelling out, "I DO, I DO!" Love it!!

Is it just me or...is life full of unexpected curve balls that suck MAJOR DONKEY BALLS? Don't believe me? Try wrapping your brain around the words DEPLOYMENT, OUT OF THE BLUE, MY KIDDO and AFGHANISTAN and then see if you agree.

Is it just me or...has my life INFINITELY improved since I discovered the saying "sucks donkey balls?" I'll answer this one. It has. Trust me.

Stuff.

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 08:01:00 +0000

I like candy. I really, really do. But not sure I could eat these. Cuz zits in general freak me out. Especially ones that can be "popped." Gross.

I am in love with this monkey. I want to be this monkey. I want to kick back and chill like this monkey. Yep, chillaxin' like this monkey is my current life's goal.

I adore this shirt. Sock monkeys AND wiener dogs? Brilliant!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don't forget to hop on over here tomorrow and add your link to the 2nd edition of

IS IT JUST ME OR.....

Throw together a list of all those things you think in your head...all those things that make you wonder "Am I the ONLY one that thinks this???" (Hence the "IS IT JUST ME OR..." title!!) All those things that you just KNOW others wonder about but never say!!!

Started this last week and am loving it. Even had ONE REAL PERSON LINK UP!! How cool is that? Sue from Inappropriate Sue took a chance and played along. THANKS SUE! You will forever be known as the VERY FIRST "Is It Just Me Or...." linker. Really. That honor is yours. Where it with pride.

I puffy heart you Sue. :)

Might Be Morbid, Might Just Be Nasty. Either way, it's Monday!

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 08:01:00 +0000

I find a lot of things morbid. Lots and lots of things. Which makes writing a MORBID MONDAY post pretty damn easy. But it gets EVEN easier when people SEND you stuff they think are worthy of inclusion in an MM post.

And they're usually right. Cuz the stuff they send is JUST PLAIN NASTY.

(Thanks guys!)

ALL of the following pics (except one) were brought to my attention by Jody.

In an email.

That directed me HERE.

Which is now one of my new GO TO places to find morbid/NASTY crap.

(Thanks Jody!)

Normally, flaking off skin wouldn't be something I'd label as morbid. But this one? This one is just nasty. Really, really nasty. And makes me want to gag. Really, really gag.

The female anatomy as a NORMAL SIZED PART OF THE FEMALE BODY is fine. But as (what appears) to be a FREAKISHLY GINORMOUS PAPIER MACHE BIKE RIDING (doesn't it look like its sitting on a bike?) representation of the female anatomy, it's gross. Really, really gross. And angry looking. Doesn't it look like it's yelling?

Same kind of thing as above. Breastfeeding a baby? Beautiful and natural. Breastfeeding a baby IF you're an effeminate version of Ronald McDonald? GROSS!!! Really, really gross.

Can barely look at this pic without vomiting. And I LIKE hard boiled eggs. But something about the hard boiled egg LOG just makes it seem EXTRA nasty. Really, really nasty.

Feeling hungry? Hungry enough to eat that black sludge like pile of infected goodness? Yep, I said infected. Cuz Cuitlacoche is a black fungus that infects corn and makes the kernels bulbous and swollen. And people eat it. And like it. Please kill me now. (This was brought to my attention by a reader that asked NOT to be named. She saw something gross and thought of me....yet was too embarrassed to fess up publicly!! LOVE IT!!)

This might not be morbid in the traditional sense but at the very least, it's freakin' odd to the nth degree. Cuz that dude IS odd. And scary. And needs a tan in the worst kind of way. Wonder if those pink pumps are his? Oh, who am I kidding...of course they are!!

I am almost 100% positive that the kid pumping the gas is a direct descendant of this guy. (Boobs or not, I'm convinced this is a dude) They both have reddish hair and they both OBVIOUSLY love the color pink. What more proof do you need?

Keep the morbid/nasty/EXTREMELY ODD stuff coming!!

I LOVE IT ALL!!!!

Friday Is The Only Day to Frag...What Other Day Would Work???

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:01:00 +0000

Thank God it's Friday. Cuz these fragments have been rattling around my head for over a week. And I need to get them out. Cuz rattling frags cause headaches and headaches are no good. Hats off to Mrs. 4444 from Half Past Kissin' Time for giving me a format to get them the hell out of my head!

*Saw a lot of interesting trick-or-treaters on Halloween but none more interesting than "SLUTTY CANDY CORN WOMAN." Yep, I said woman. Woman WITHOUT A KID IN TOW. Woman WITHOUT A KID IN TOW trick or treating on her own. Wearing the shortest damn skirt and the tightest boob enhancing top I've ever seen. Add to that the candy corn striped THIGH HIGH stockings she was wearing and you get "SLUTTY CANDY CORN WOMAN." It was interesting. And a tad bit disturbing.

*John tried to poison me this week with soup made using rotten chicken broth. It wasn't intentional but true nonetheless. Of course we DID learn a lesson we won't soon forget. ALWAYS check the expiration date on store bought chicken broth. Cuz high end broth or not, that shit DOES go bad.

*I think it should be illegal to snow in New England UNTIL every gosh darn leaf has been raked up. Cuz NOW I have snow covered leaves to pick up. Which, if you haven't mad the connection, means it's EFFIN' cold outside. And raking leaves in freezing cold weather sucks....you guessed it....GINORMOUS DONKEY BALLS.

*I won a blog makeover. And I'm psyched. Cuz I've been thinking that the old WWoW could use a little sprucing up but I truly have no idea how to go about it. I've managed to add a few things over the last 2 years but change it totally? NO EFFING WAY. I am NOT that talented. But Becky from Creative Blog Designs IS and I get to reap the benefits of her expertise. No idea when it will be ready to go but I can't wait to see it!

*Last week I complained about the horrible and painful condition known as the paper cut. This week, I have a new issue...STUBBED TOES. Cuz they hurt like a mother effer. And I HATE when it happens. Which, since I started wearing UGGS, seems to be more often. Cuz UGGS may keep me cozy warm but they DON'T make me graceful. Yet I continue to wear them. Apparently warmth overrules pain any day.

*My love affair with the DUMBO OCTOPUS and the ROSY LIPPED BAT FISH have ended. Instead, my heart is full of love for the blobfish.

Cuz if anything needs lovin', it's the blobfish.

Writer's Workshop

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 12:07:00 +0000

It's Thursday which means that Mama Kat over at Mama's Losin' It has assigned another Writer's Workshop assignment. And this week, her prompts were pretty cool.

1.) Describe something you're proud of.

2.) Tell me your most humorous wedding experience

3.) 10 reasons why you can't sleep at night

4.) Describe an experience that you wish you could shake from your memory.

5.) Write a love letter to the object of your affection.

Was planning on doing more than one (cuz I really like more than one) but time and stress forced me to choose just one.

And really? The one I picked really hits home. Cuz boy oh boy, do I have an experience that I WISH I could shake from my memory. Actually, I wish it had never happened. But alas, it did. And now it haunts me on a regular basis.

I've written about it before but it never gets any easier to talk about.

Cuz when your boobies make their world wide debut, one never forgets it!

Place: Our former home

Time: a hot August morning @ 5:30 am

It doesn’t really ever get SWELTERING hot in Maine. And when it does, I mostly love it. After the MONTHS and MONTHS of freezing cold snow we get, the few days in August when naked sleeping becomes a necessity (even with a fan or air conditioner) is actually something I look forward to.

And by naked sleeping, I mean topless. I, for the most part, do not usually sleep totally naked. I suffer from the “what happens if a fire breaks out in the middle of the night and I have to run fleeing into the streets so I have to have something on my body so my neighbors don’t see me naked” syndrome. This means if I’m topless, my bottom is covered. And if I’m bottomless, my top is covered. And yes, I realize that running into the street bottomless or topless would probably shock my neighbors just as much as if I were to run out totally nude. But I can’t help the way I think – it’s part of the syndrome. (and yes, I also realize that if my house were on fire that nudity should be the last thing I’m concerned with. But I am, and I’m not afraid to admit it!)

So there I was on this particular steamy August morning. Naked from the waist up, trying to find a bit of relief from the heat as we slept. I remember the night before had been a restless one…both John and I had tossed and turned all night long.

But at some point, in the wee hours between dusk and dawn, I slumbered. A deep, heat induced sleep of the dead. Until I heard it….

Now let me remind you that August in Maine brings the Balloon Festival to our town. For 3 days, 40+ hot air balloons launch twice a day, adding excitement to an otherwise boring summer. Our town has built an entire festival around this weekend bringing thousands to our little twin cities. The balloons are amazing and are quite the sight to see. We’ve grown accustomed to the added traffic and tourists – it’s well worth the hassle to see the sky dotted with such beauty.

That particular morning I remember being woken up to an odd sound. Sort of a whooshing noise followed by complete silence. Whoosh. Silence. Whoosh. Silence. I’m not sure how long it took me to wake up completely and realize that the sound was coming closer. Really close. Very, very close. And I wasn’t sure what it was. I do remember lying there thinking that if I ignore it, maybe it’ll just go away. And I also remember thinking that if it was REALLY bad, John would wake up and take care of it.

But the noise did NOT go away and John did NOT get up to address it. And it was getting louder. And louder. And I started to get concerned.

What could it be? What the hell could make such a loud whooshing noise and then be totally silent? I desperately wanted to go back to sleep but it quickly became obvious that unless I got up and checked it out, no sleep would be coming my way.

So I dragged my sleep weary body out of bed, being careful not to wake John in the process. As I stood next to the bed trying desperately to figure out what the hell that noise was, it got even closer. And it sounded like it was right outside the window. And I decided I needed to take a closer look.

I tiptoed over to the window and peered through the glass. Nothing to see. But something to hear….WHOOOSH. What the hell was it?

I decided the only thing to do was to open the window and take a look for myself. After all, John had still NOT stirred. It was time to take things into my own hands.

Up the window went and out the window popped my head. And my upper body so I could get a better look. To try to see where the whooshing was coming from.

And don’t you know it? I INSTANTLY discovered the source.

"Why hello Mr. Balloonist man and two people that have paid to take a ride in your balloon basket! How nice of you to fly ever so low close to our house and our bedroom window! And how lovely for the three of you that I’m hanging out my window to say good morning on this very hot and very steamy August morning..."

TOPLESS.

(John snickered every year after when the neighbors asked how we MANAGED to get the balloons to fly so close to our house!) :)

By the way....BINA, you won the boots!! Donna thought your entry was the best!! Email me your address and I'll ship them to you on Monday. Congratulations!!

My OWN Wednesday Thingy

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 05:01:00 +0000

Is it just me or....does my husband make the freakin' greatest cream of broccoli soup? Seriously people, it is TO.DIE.FOR. I say die cuz I would honestly kill for it. So get the hell out of my way. HALLISICLE NEEDS MORE SOUP!!!!!!!

Is it just me or...is using a wiener dog as a mouse pad just about the cutest damn thing you have ever seen? This picture makes my non-existent uterus cramp. I feel all squishy inside when I look at it. Makes me puffy heart love this kiddo even more than I already do.
***

Is it just me or...do some people not only ATTRACT drama like flies to shit but also REEK of that same drama day after day? Some days I just want to grab them by the shoulders and tell them to GROW THE EFF UP. I feel better just typing that!!
***

Is it just me or...does everyone find that they are a MUCH BETTER singer when they are driving alone in the car? Cuz quite frankly, Simon Cowell would BEG me to try out for AI if he heard me. Of course, outside my car, Simon would probably spit on me but inside? That man would KISS ME!!!
***

Is it just me or...is everyone getting DAMN EXCITED to officially ring in the Christmas season? Which, if I was in charge, would start NOW. Or NOW. Or at the very least....NOW. Cuz I can't wait to start decorating the house, cranking the carols and singing fa-la-la-la-la til I lose my voice. Or John kills me. Whichever comes first. (Death by John is more likely to happen. Cuz man, does he get cranky if I hum Xmas carols before the day after Thanksgiving!)
***

Now it's YOUR turn....if you choose to take part.(If you haven't already posted a blog entry for today. And if you have? How bout' next week?)

And it WILL be your turn every Wednesday if you so choose to partake. Cuz although many bloggers have jumped on the WORDLESS WEDNESDAY bandwagon, this extroverted, talks a mile a minute blogger, NEEDS CONVERSATION!!!

So I've decided to start my very own version of Wordless Wednesday. Or the exact OPPOSITE of Wordless Wednesday as it may be. Cuz I WANT YOU TO TALK!! And I WANT YOU TO USE WORDS!!! MANY, MANY WORDS!! AND PICS if you want!!!!

And I call it "IS IT JUST ME OR..."

Catchy huh? :)

I know it doesn't roll off your tongue like Wordless Wednesday did. And I KNOW alliteration is the preferred way to go when picking a title for these recurring themed blog entries. But damn, if I couldn't come up with anything clever. Once I got stuck on "IS IT JUST ME OR...." I couldn't move beyond it.

And I decided that's ok.

I will be the one blogger in blogland that runs a weekly thingy that has a title that ISN'T easy to remember. Or maybe it WILL be easy cuz it's NOT like all the rest.

Guess we'll just have to wait and see.

So play along if you're so inclined. (And if no one does? Heck, I'll just play with myself.) ;)

Throw together a list of all those things you think in your head...all those things that make you wonder "Am I the ONLY one that thinks this???" (Hence the "IS IT JUST ME OR..." title!!) All those things that you just KNOW others wonder about but never say!!!

Things you need to know to get started:
*Put together your list. (Can't wait to see what you come up with each week!)
*Mention my blog and link to my current edition of "IS IT JUST ME OR...."
*Hop on over and add your entry to the MckLinky at the bottom of my post

**I'd make a cute little button for you to grab and post but I have no idea HOW to makea cute little button for you to grab. Anyone want to tell me how?? :)

If all goes as planned (and I didn't screw this linky thing up) you're link will show up in the list in the next available slot.

And if I screwed it up? I'll fix it. And hope that next week, I won't eff it up!!!

Happy posting!!!

More is NOT Less

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 10:01:00 +0000

There really is such a thing as TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING.

Cuz although skin IS a good thing....

...too much skin is a VERY, VERY BAD THING.

Let me go on record as saying that I, Hallie Twomey, don't ever want to have this much skin.

Because, quite frankly, I don't know what I'd do with it. And I don't think I'd ever get over the fact that the front of my body looked like a giant squid. What? You don't see it? Look closely. Do you see it now? The nipples are the eyes and the rest....well, the rest looks like a giant squid body. At least I think it does. Cuz that's what I saw almost INSTANTLY when I stumbled upon this picture. And I can't move beyond it. Which is why, I am 100% POSITIVE that I couldn't handle having a big giant squid body. Cuz I don't think I like squid even a little.

Do I hazard a guess and ASSUME that this young fellow lost a shit load of weight, hence leaving him with all that excess baggage? And is there somewhere I can donate to help him get all those layers removed?

Cuz it can't be comfortable to live like this. Nor can it be easy having to face a future with all this LITERALLY dragging you down. And from the looks of his youngish face, this squidy looking guy has a LONG LIFE ahead of him.

And it appears he's not alone. And that this "SQUID" phenomenon is not as uncommon as one might have thought. Although, if I'm being totally honest, I don't quite SEE the squid in this pic as much as I do in the first pic. This one actually looks like a melted squid. A really, really melted squid. And I don't think I like melted squid anymore than I like regular old non-melted squid.

And to think...

...it MIGHT all start with one freakishly wrinkly armpit.

Lord help me.

Nothing Morbid About.....A SURPRISE CONTEST!!!

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 10:01:00 +0000

Had a topic all lined up for today's Morbid Monday post but decided to shake things up a bit.

Why you might ask?

No idea.

But I'm doing it anyway.

Blame it on a great weekend. Cuz I'm feeling rather generous after having 3 such great days full of good friends and successful home improvement projects. It's amazing how accomplishing what you set out to do can make you feel so good! We raked leaves (44 bags and counting), insulated half of the basement (rest to be finished today or tomorrow) and put a ceiling in (the one I ripped out in an Ambien induced haze right before John damn near sliced off his hand).

All in all, we tackled a lot. Can I get an AMEN??? :)

Today's contest has a pretty specific prize, one that only a woman with a size 7 foot will appreciate. Cuz the prize is a beautiful pair of PENNY LOVES KENNY, black suede boots....size 7. I bought these boots last year to replace the pair my sister-in-law gave me a few Xmas's ago. I wore out the ones she gave me and hoped to replace them with a similar pair. Couldn't find the EXACT same boots but these looked like they might do the trick. Paid **gasp** $110.00 for them and **gasp** threw out the receipt long before I ever tried them on.

Well, as luck (or unluck) would have it, they don't fit me. Well, they DO fit me but they are a bit too big in the heal. Which means my heal tends to slide up too much to wear them. (Have discovered lately, that I APPARENTLY have a very narrow heal. Who knew? Also found out years ago that I have a VERY TOUGH spinal covering but that's blog fodder for another day!)

Anyway, my loss is your gain.

All I did was TRY THEM ON ONE TIME. Walked ABOUT 10 feet in them INSIDE MY house before realizing they wouldn't work. So basically, they are brand spanking new.

And would make a KICK ass addition to your wardrobe.

(If you're a size 7)

Or a KICK ASS Christmas present for someone on your list.

(If that person is a size 7)

Either way, if you can use a BRAND NEW $110.00 pair of PENNY LOVES KENNY black suede boots (that can be worn high or scrunched down), you NEED to enter this contest.

It's that easy.

All you have to do is come up with your OWN LYRICS to the famous Nancy Sinatra song, "THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKING." (which, if I'm being totally honest, I don't like. But what other song fits this contest more perfectly?)

I'm posting the words to the first verse and chorus. All you have to do is replace them with your own!!

"You keep saying you've got something for me.
something you call love, but confess.
You've been messin' where you shouldn't have been a messin'
and now someone else is gettin' all your best.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you"

You have until Wednesday at 9pm (est) to enter. You MUST, MUST, MUST post your lyrics ON THIS POST!!!! Not on Tuesdays entry and definitely not on Wednesday. They must ALL be posted here.

And you MUST live in the good old US of A so that I don't go broke shipping them to you. Sorry to anyone reading outside of this country. I promise if I ever win the lottery to start shipping prizes EVERYWHERE!!!

Can't wait to see what all y'all come up with...assuming anyone actually enters.

I SUPPOSE it's possible that no one wants a brand new pair of gorgeous suede boots. Or that only 1 or 2 people do. (what great odds you'd have!)

Let's hope that doesn't happen. Cuz I KNOW y'all are creative and can come up with some fun new lyrics!

I will my ask my neighbor Donna to pick the winner when she comes over Wednesday night to watch Glee. (Haven't asked her yet. PLEASE DONNA??? PRETTY PLEASE???) :)

I will announce the winner Thursday.

Good luck and get steppin'! (Boot joke...get it??)
**

BTW...The pink dot in the above picture? No idea what that is. Please ignore. :)

Happy Ween of the Hallow Variety!!

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 07:01:00 +0000

It may rain here tonight for all the little treat of the trickers, but we adults will still be GETTIN' OUR DRINK ON...cuz no amount of Mother Nature's wet stuff will keep us from Captain Morgan's elixir. Or Corona's golden smoothness. Or whatever wine the neighborhood winos choose to uncork.

(Or unscrew....Cuz honestly, these gals will drink just about anything that comes from the "wine" aisle!)

So, Mother Nature, bring it on.

We ain't scared.

We have LIQUID COURAGE!!!! :)

So Little Brain Power, So Many Frags

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 09:01:00 +0000

Mrs. 4444 says it's time to frag.

Short and to the point.

Cuz after spending one week wondering WHAT THE HELL DIED IN OUR KITCHEN, my creative brain is a bit fried.

Good thing frags require only minimal creativity!!

*I hate fast food drive thrus...but not for the reason you think. Cuz if I'm working my way through a drive thru, it's because I'm jonesin' for a Whopper Jr. Or Chicken McNuggets. Or a very yummy Frosty.

What I HATE is the panicked feeling I get when the VOICE FROM BEYOND continually screams out, "MAY I HELP YOU?" as I'm trying desperately to make up my mind.

And before you accuse me of getting in line UNPREPARED, let me point out that I totally DO know what I want when I take my place in line. It's just that something unexplainable happens between the time my car enters the line and the time that the VOICE FROM BEYOND starts squawking.

I like to call it the "OH MY GOD, MAYBE I DON"T WANT WHAT I ORIGINALLY WANTED AND NOW NEED TO QUICKLY ATTEMPT TO CHANGE MY MIND CUZ I'M PISSIN' OFF THE PEOPLE IN THE CAR BEHIND ME AND THE VOICE FROM BEYOND SOUNDS IRRITATED AND WON'T SHUT UP, ONLY TO DECIDE I DO IN FACT WANT WHAT I ORIGINALLY SELECTED" phenomenon.
~~
*Text messages from my youngest kiddo that start off with "my tooth chipped" do NOT make me all warm and fuzzy. Cuz this is the same kiddo that's sportin' $6200.00 worth of VERY RECENT dental work. Damn soccer ball and damn kid that kicked said soccer ball. Is it odd if I wrap Connor's head in bubble wrap?
~~
*October's yearly dilemma for Hallie:

Do I buy the candy I like and then try like hell NOT to eat the leftovers?

(Which my fat ass does NOT need.)

Or I do I buy the Halloween candy I hate and then bitch loudly when we have leftovers I WON'T eat?

(Which my fat ass appreciates.)

*Walking into a cloud of gas of an unknown origin...as I'm innocently shopping...is truly nauseating. Cuz gas (aka floating fecal particles) is the LAST thing I need to enhance my shopping experience. I propose that alarms go off and lights flash whenever someone "drops an air deuce" in a public place.
~~
*Leaves.Suck.Massive.Donkey Balls. Cuz unless those effers agree to STAY ON THE DAMN TREE WHERE THEY FRIGIN' BELONG, I will NEVER like them. 26 bags so far and NOWHERE near the end. And as a side note....I think it should be TOTALLY LEGAL to dump any leaf that falls into your yard from a neighbors tree, back onto their property. Seriously. Not only should it be legal to RETURN THEM TO SENDER, but the OWNER should have to come and retrieve them himself.

I'm IN LOVE with the "CLEAN" version of this video...for obvious reasons!

I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT!!

But I also love the "NOT SO CLEAN" VERSION too!!

If you're daring enough to watch this one, watch the WHOLE THING! Cuz it all makes sense in the end!!

Links to both in case the videos don't show up!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxRtsv9yH5w&NR=1

Clean version

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RkYoVv5NGA&NR=1&feature=fvwp

Unclean version

Jeff Goldblum...The Younger Years

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 09:01:00 +0000

Doesn't every good fly have a wiener by his side?

Things a Wiener Woman Finds Intriguing

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 09:01:00 +0000

Coolest lizard/gecko thing ever. How amazing would it be to blend into your surroundings like that? Just think...I could "hide" amongst the PRADA bag display at Saks and never be discovered!!
Best Halloween costumes EVER. And no, I'm NOT talking about the stupid storm trooper or lame ass security guy. Cuz those two things SUCK MASSIVE DONKEY BALLS as compared to the TOTALLY AWESOME, TOTALLY ROCK MY WORLD "yip yaps" from Sesame Street. I LOVED THEM SOOOOOOO MUCH when I was younger. And I TOTALLY PUFFY HEART them now!!

Don't get these at all. I mean, I KNOW they're supposed to be breasts made out of chocolate but why is the top "pair" sporting a see through brown bra? That IS supposed to be a bra, right? And it IS see through. If it wasn't, I don't think there would be such obvious nipplage showing. At least the bottom "pair" makes a little more sense. That one appears to have a very sheer, mostly see thru white bra. But the top set? Just not sittin' right with me.

I am TOTALLY considering blowing this up and carrying it with me AT ALL TIMES. Cuz this dude really SAYS IT LIKE IT IS.

These wouldn't make it in my house for 5 minutes. Fenway would have to kill them. Instantly. Cuz Fenway STRONGLY believes that ANYTHING furry and soft is fair game for a wiener thrashing. She can be VERY unladylike when confronted with a stuffed animal. What she'd do to a mean looking stuffed slipper like this makes me cringe.

Maybe it's because I'm obsessed with promoting organ donation. Or maybe it's because I had a hella lot of Hello Kitty when I was growing up. Either way, this speaks to me in ways that I can't explain.

I THINK this is a bar in Russia. Although I can't be totally certain. Cuz quite frankly, I saved the pic but FAILED to make note of where I found it. For some reason, Russia keeps popping into my head. I really hope I'm right. Cuz I REALLY want to go there and sit in one of those kick ass chairs.

(How hard can it be to find a nameless bar in Russia?)

I'm oddly craving a t-bone steak right now. Not my fault though....the artist's the one that decided to lop off the legs.

Everyone Might Have Been Crying But I STILL Found a Friend!

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 09:01:00 +0000

When I traveled to Westboro, MA this weekend to read the letter I wrote to my Dad's donor family, I KNEW it would be emotional. When I agreed to read that letter in front of all those people, I KNEW it would be amazing. And when I offered to share my heartfelt words in such a public manner, I KNEW it would leave me feeling humbled.

What I didn't know or expect, was that I would end up meeting 2 women that I INSTANTLY wanted to call my friends. (I'd say GREAT friends but since they MIGHT be reading this, I don't want them to think I'm a crazy stalker. Figure I'll let them learn that one on their own!)

Seriously, I had no idea that my path would cross with two such awesome people. And awesome they are.

Amy and Michele sat at the same table as my Dad and CJ. Amy was there, in honor of her twin sister Mandy, who tragically died in a car accident 6 years ago. Amy was asked to take part in the candle lighting portion of the ceremony. Amy and Michele introduced themselves to us and it was as if we had known them forever.

Even sitting there, surrounded by grieving families, our small group was able to laugh a little and connect a lot. Amy and Michele even "got" my Dad's humor which is pretty miraculous. (I adore my Dad but not everyone ADORES his unique sense of humor!)

The conversation was easy and never seemed forced. It was simply a wonderful experience.

By the end of the event, information had been exchanged so that we might reconnect in the future.

Which, via this blog and the crazy world of FB, we've done already.

And I couldn't be anymore pleased if I tried.

Cuz I was right. They ARE awesome. And we ARE already forming the basis for a kick ass friendship.

And I can't stop smiling.

Cuz although I went there to GIVE my words of thanks to ALL the donor families in attendance, I GOT two new friends.

And for that, I am HUGELY thankful.

I guess the saying is true....if you do good things, good things will come back to you.

Cuz finding new friends in the most unexpected place is certainly A GOOD THING.

A Picture's Worth A Thousand "WTF's?"

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 09:01:00 +0000

When thinking up ideas for my MORBID MONDAY posts, I do A LOT of research. Cuz although I have tons of morbid ideas floating around my otherwise angelic brain (stop laughing) occasionally I need help. Help to come up with a topic I have yet to cover. Cuz sometimes, it's really tough to uncover something morbid that hasn't been talked about already.

Which is why I LOVE ME SOME GOOGLE.

Cuz google, when finessed and spoken to ever so sweetly, coughs up some kick ass subject matter. It actually delivers to my "morbidly curious head" stuff that I might otherwise NOT have thought of.

Like these pics.

I call them, "SHIT THAT SHOULDN'T SHOW UP IN AN XRAY." Or, if that doesn't sum it up adequately, "WHY THE HELL DID YOU SHOVE THAT THERE?" might work as well.

Reason #861 you should NOT offer to stand with an apple on your head.

So THAT'S where I left my keys.

Picture on the right makes me cringe. Picture on the left makes me hungry for cake.

This is one bottle of soda I do NOT want to drink.

If you need to pick your nose, use your finger.

Hard to tell what that is in this xray (Syringe? Balloon? Bicycle pump?), but whatever it is, I suspect it shouldn't be THERE.

I love this one ONLY because that's EXACTLY what my head feels like when I get a migraine and EXACTLY where it hurts.

I don't care who's calling, I ain't home.

If It Were Only This Easy...

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 09:01:00 +0000

But because it's not, I'm off doing my part to raise organ donation awareness.

If you're not already an organ donor, please take a minute to consider signing up.

It truly CAN make a difference.

Just ask my father.

"Why take your organs to heaven...heaven knows we need them here."

Laugh or Admit You're Dead...It's That Simple!

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 09:01:00 +0000

I'M A FRAG HAG

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 09:01:00 +0000

Fragging and Fridays go together like cookies and cream.

Like green eggs and ham.

Like Wheat Thins and Ambien.

(Trust me....they do.)

So who am I to upset the perfect FRAG and FRIDAY relationship that Mrs. 4444 @ Half Past Kissin' Time has created???

*Speaking of FRAGS....Fraggle Rock was/is (in reruns) a GREAT little show. Fraggles are just cute. And industrious. And Muppets...which makes them awesome in my book. Cuz Muppets? Muppets make me happy. :) "Dance your cares away, worries for another day, Let the music play, (boom, boom, boom), Down at Fraggle Rock!"

~~
*Why is it that I expect the stuff I list on EBAY to SELL INSTANTLY? And when it doesn't IMMEDIATELY get a bid, I start cursing all Ebayers everywhere? And yes, before you ask, I DO know that there are 10 gazillion other items for sale at any one time on Ebay. But I don't care. It's my stuff and I want it to sell NOW!!!!
~~
*I am totally serious when I tell you that I look different in EVER MIRROR I SEE. Cuz I SWEAR my hair looked good when I left the house yesterday morning. But when I got to work and caught a glance of myself in the bathroom, I thought someone else was looking back at me.....someone with NOT SO GOOD LOOKING HAIR!! WTF? Aren't all mirrors the same? Is there some grand mirror conspiracy I'm unaware of?
~~
*Wednesday, I had a hair stuck in my cleavage that drove me effing crazy. And no, Mr. Smarty Pants, the hair was NOT attached to me. (Last I looked, my chesticles were hair free) No, it didn't sprout there. Which is a good thing. Cuz I'd lose my shit if I found a hair THIS long growing between "the girls." This stupid hair apparently migrated from my head all the way down to my cleav. (short for cleavage...stay with the program people!) And proceeded to tickle me like a son of bitch until I went fishing to find the source. Hair between your boobs? Not pleasant. Trust me.
~~
*I've decided that closed toilet lids, although aesthetically pleasing, scare the crap out of me. (No pun intended. Well, maybe a LITTLE pun.) Cuz when I walk into the bathroom at work and see the toilet seat down, I experience a supreme case of paranoia...paranoia as to WHAT I might "find" under that lid. And that my blogging friends, is NOT how I want to start off my work day.

*Last week I had it BAD for the adorably puckered up BAT FISH. Yep, I wanted to plant one on it in the worst way. But this week, my heart belongs to another. Another known as the Dumbo Octopus. Cuz MAN OH MAN, do I want to squish the hell outta that little guy!!!

KNICK KNACKS???? NO WAY!!!

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 09:01:00 +0000

I've caught a few episodes of HOARDERS lately and it's had a horrible effect on me.

Because of this show and the horrific illness they showcase, I now want to throw away everything I own. And I do mean almost everything.

Which is a HUGE problem for the likes of me. Cuz I am, by nature, a minimalist. A true, honest to goodness, God fearing minimalist.

I'm actually the exact OPPOSITE of a hoarder.

I save almost nothing. I despise clutter. Knick knacks are my own personal hell.

In our house the running joke is, "If it's not nailed down, out it goes." Seriously. Poor John has lost many a loose items to one of my "must minimize our already minimal clutter" episodes. Yet he still loves me. Go figure. :)

So when a true minimalist like myself gets motivated to rid her world of even MORE stuff, it's a problem. A REAL problem.

Cuz I can't resist the urge to purge.

And I can't stop jonesin' to TOSS.SOMETHING.OUT. Or BAG.SOMETHING.UP. Or PUT.SOMETHING.OUTSIDE.

(and hope that it somehow finds a new home)

Nope, I can't stop the need to CLEANSE MY ENVIRONMENT. Which, as I pointed out, is a problem. And not appreciated by those that live here. Although truth be told, John is pretty much a minimalist anyway. Which makes it easier on both of us. Cuz when both people dislike "stuff," it's harder to throw something out that will be TRULY missed!

But Connor? Connor is another story altogether. Cuz Connor likes STUFF. Lots of stuff. But not in a hoarding kind of way. Just in a 16 year old teenage boy kind of way. Actually, I suspect that he's pretty normal in his "stuff liking" way.

And if he's ever not? I'm here to straighten him out.

LUCKY HIM!!!! :)

(Off to take a look around.....I just KNOW there's more clutter hidden somewhere!)

**Georgie...you won the $25 AMEX gift card!! Congrats!!! Not only does your comment EXACTLY speak to WHY I will forever continue to raise organ donation awareness, but it also made my spirits SOAR!! Thank you for sharing that most perfect moment. Your words truly will help me KEEP ON, KEEPIN' ON!)

Pictures of My Wieners

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 09:01:00 +0000

Feel free to click on the pics to enlarge my wieners.

(And yes...my inner adolescent boy is alive and well!!)

**Contest winner to be announced tomorrow cuz I'm having a hell of a time deciding which comment I like best! Feel free to scroll down and enter to win if you haven't already! Might as well make my job harder!!)

~~~~~

Cool blog makeover contest over at Creative Blog Design! Becky is giving one lucky winner a complete blog make over!!! Hop on over and enter!! And tell her I sent you!!

Words Could Make You A Winner!

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 07:01:00 +0000

In 5 short days, I will publicly read the letter I wrote my Dad's donor family. On Sunday I will travel to Massachusetts to take part in a wonderful ceremony. I will stand in front of a large group of people directly affected by organ donation....those that chose to donate their loved ones organs to save another.

To say that it's a humbling experience is an understatement, because it's so much more that that. It's truly a life altering moment.

And I should know. Because I've already done this once before. And I'm STILL riding on an emotional high.

Reading the letter here in Maine was unforgettable. It really was.

And the ironic thing? The New England Organ Bank asked me to read my letter to help others see what a powerful impact organ donation has. Asked me to read my letter to help others know how grateful organ recipients and their families are. Asked me to read my letter to inspire people to continue to give the greatest gift they will ever be asked to give.

Yep, they asked ME to help others.

Yet I think this experience helped ME more than anyone else.

Because I walked away from that reading more EMPOWERED to continue spreading my message, more GRATEFUL to those who, in losing their life, made life possible and more INSPIRED by those that made the ultimate choice to save a life.

Yes, I walked away a better person for the experience. And I can't wait to do it again.

To help prepare me for Sunday's event, I thought I might ask y'all to feed my soul.

With inspirational words.

Or poems.

Or lyrics.

Or positive affirmations.

Basically anything that will help keep me riding on this euphoric high as I ready myself for Sunday.

And to thank you for taking the time to "build my spirits," I'm giving away the $25.00 American Express gift card that was initially donated to my raffle, given away, then returned to give away once again. :)

I TOTALLY realize that y'all would probably have left an uplifting comment without the possibility of winning something, but I'm STILL giving the gift card away. It makes me feel good and it's my blog...so that's that!!

Take a minute to leave me a comment with something that makes YOU feel good, something that inspires/motivates you to keep on keepin' on.

Doesn't matter if it's long or short, serious or funny, original to you or not.

Whatever works for you, just might work for me. :)

***Judging will be COMPLETELY subjective - whichever one I like most, wins!!!

NOT a Swell Smell

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 09:01:00 +0000

In honor of the foul, nasty smelling odor emanating from my kitchen wall, I give you these 2 pictures. Cuz these two pics most accurately depict what I think is causing the smell.

And smell it does. Like death. Like death that died 3 weeks ago. Like death that died 3 weeks ago AFTER being dead for 6 months. Yep, it smells THAT BAD.

And we can't find what's causing it. Which pisses me off. A LOT.

Cuz the smell of death in your kitchen is NOT pleasant. NOT. AT. ALL.

I've decided that since the wall space behind our kitchen counter is not big enough to support the weight of a human corpse (that's where the smell SEEMS to be coming from) that the smell is most likely NOT that of a rotting person. But if it COULD support the weight of a human body, I would DEFINITELY say that that's the cause. Cuz it smells that bad. Did I mention that?

So instead of assuming it's rotting human flesh, I'm assuming it's rotting rodent flesh. Cuz quite frankly, that's the only thing that makes sense.
Yep...this is what I imagine is currently residing in my kitchen wall. Pleasant, huh?
And when I close my eyes at night (courtesy of my beloved friend Ambien), this is what I envision happening just out of my reach. (Not that I want to reach out and touch the damn thing but I WOULD like to find the effer and throw it the hell out)

For now, we sit and wait for the noxious fumes to dissipate. Well, sit and wait AND spray ridiculous amounts of Febreeze, Oust and Lysol.

Which, according to Connor, simply makes it smell like LEMONY DEATH.

Which, according to us all, sucks MAJOR ROTTING RODENT FLESH DONKEY BALLS. :(

Jonestown Anyone???

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 09:01:00 +0000

Fridays mean NOTHING to me if I can't frag. Which means Mrs. 4444 from Half Past Kissin' Time is a damn fine brain washer....one that makes a MEAN glass of Kool Aid.

*Motion activated coupon dispensers at grocery stores should be outlawed. Cuz at 6:56 AM, when you whip in to grab some Diet Coke, ANYTHING that unexpectedly talks to you in the Kleenex aisle is NOT APPRECIATED. Stupid tiny woman inside that tiny stupid motion activated screen should be made to pay for the year of life I lost when she screamed out HELLO.

*"Something inside has died and I can't hide it, I just can't fake it." And by inside I mean IN OUR WALLS....we think. Cuz we looked everywhere else and found nothing. But something in the kitchen is NOT good. And smells like it MIGHT be coming from behind the cabinets. And I'm NOT happy. And can't stop singing that damn Carole King song.

*If you see an errant nipple laying around my house, it's mine. Cuz it was so cold yesterday that I'm pretty sure one of mine fell off. Sorry kids, it needed to be said.

*I suck major donkey balls. Yet John still loves me. Poor guy adores ANYTHING made with apples. Apple pie, apple crisp, apple dumplings. If it's got apples (and maybe some cinnamon) John is a happy man. So do you think I made him ANYTHING with apples this apple picking season? Better yet, do you think I even WENT apple picking? I'm such a failure....

*I wish Someday, Someway by Marshall Crenshaw would somehow make a comeback. Cuz I love that damn song. And I don't hear it nearly enough.

*Does anyone else ever find themselves wondering how Isaac, Julie and Captain Stubing are doing...and then remember that The Love Boat wasn't real? :(

*I have an overwhelming urge to kiss this:

I mean if this Rosy Lipped Bat Fish didn't pucker up for me, than who??

A Hooker Is, As a Hooker Does

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 09:01:00 +0000

In honor of todays Writing Workshop prompt from Mama Kat, I'm reposting the entry I first wrote back in May 2008.

Cuz although I COULD write about it again, nothing's gonna change the fact that I WAS, in fact, named after a hooker.

Yep, it's true. And my Dad INSISTS I share this tidbit of info with y'all. He tried to do so himself via a comment on my post entitled "What's In A Name?" but he wasn't tech savvy enough to pull it off. So instead, he called me and told me to do it myself. And then he told me I HAD TO DO IT cuz y'all would WANT TO KNOW.

So here I am.....revealing that I was, in fact, NAMED AFTER A HOOKER.

A beautiful hooker with a beautiful name.....according to my father.

Apparently, my Dad watched a movie sometime around my delivery. The movie was called A WALK ON THE WILDSIDE (1962). The main character, played by a french actress named Capucine, was a hooker named Hallie. And apparently, my Dad became smitten. Ask him yourself and he'll tell you what he told me. She was beautiful and she had a beautiful name. Case closed.
~~~~~~~~~~~

Not sure he TOLD my mom where the name Hallie came from (when he nixed her choice of Lisa Marie) but whatever he said, it worked.

And now, years later, I am sharing my dirty secret with y'all. Well, really it's my Dad's dirty secret. Well, really it's not cuz if you know my Dad (and some of you do) you know that nothing IS really dirty to him! :)

He thinks it's entirely normal that he named his daughter after a beautiful HOOKER with a beautiful name!

"Hi, my name is Hallie and I was named after a hooker."

"Hi, Hallie!"

***Don't think I'll burst my Dad's bubble re: his beloved Capucine. Probably wouldn't thrill him to know that his "crush" suffered from bipolar disorder throughout her life and attempted suicide several times. Might not help either for him to know that in 1990, at the age of 57, she finally succeeded by jumping from her eighth-floor apartment. I doubt that THAT image is how he wants to remember her!

~~~
***I will also add that today, as an adult, I TOTALLY appreciate my name. I LIKE that I'm one of the only Hallie's around. And that when people call out "Hallie," they are most likely looking for me. (Ok, that's not always a good thing but most of the time it is)

But as a kiddo? I HATED IT!! Nothing had my name on it. NOTHING.AT.ALL.

No barrettes, no stationary, no cute plastic license plates for the back of my banana seat bike.

And DAMN....did I REALLY, REALLY want one of those license plates!!

God bless my wonderful co-worker Christine, who after hearing about my sad non-license plate youth, surprised me with this:
I will cherish it ALWAYS. :)

Funk You

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 21:33:00 +0000

I'm in a HUGE funk. Which appears to be never ending. Well at least not SOON ending. Cuz stress has a way of sticking around. Which sucks...you guessed it....MASSIVE DONKEY BALLS.

So in an attempt to cheer myself up, I decided to list a few things that currently make me happy.

In lieu of getting the everyday PRADA bag I so justly deserve,(which would perk me up ASAP), I decided to write this list.

(This is only a few of the things that currently make me happy. There's obviously more. But I'm too "funktified" to list them all.)

Not sure it really helped but it DID make me smile...briefly.

I'm happy....

-that people notice when I'm missing from the blogging world. And that those people contact me via other methods to make sure I'm alive. Which is cool. And nice to know that if no one was around to find my body in real life, that someone in the blogging world would call 911 before I started to rot.

-that I managed to buy a bunch of Xmas presents this past weekend. Cuz there's ONLY 72 days left and I'm usually much farther ahead than I currently am. Of course I have a crap load left to buy but at least I started. Ok, ok...I DID get myself one item but only because John likes how my butt looks when I wear them! How can I NOT buy them?

-that I have 2 crazy ass wieners to greet me each and every time I walk in/out of a door...as if I've been gone for years. I highly recommend each of you find a wiener and embrace it lovingly. Read into that what you will.

-that ACE OF CAKES exists cuz CAKE BOSS is the worst.show.ever. And now I will probably be "offed" for saying that. Cuz I'm convinced that CAKE BOSS is merely a "not so clever" cover for the mafia.

-that John trips over himself to turn the channel if I'm in the room and a spider shows up on the screen. Cuz in HD, spiders are horrifying...even more than they normally are. And although we don't have the biggest flat screen TV mounted on our wall, 42" of spider is 42" TOO MANY.

-that my BFF reminds me OFTEN that my life is better because of her, that no one will ever replace me in her eyes and that John and I'd sleep MUCH better with her sandwiched between us. Yep, she said that. Apparently all my life is lacking is a Kimmy smamich. ;) (Never said she was normal.)

-that the Duggars seem to truly love each of the gazillion kiddos they have. Figure that in and of itself is pretty impressive. Wonder if they always like them?

I Laugh In the Face of a Challenge....HA HA HA!!

fenwaydog@roadrunner.com (Wonderful World of Weiners) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 07:01:00 +0000

Fragmented Fridays are always fun..but not always challenging. Cuz I tend to have a GAZILLION fragments floating around my head. Which makes tossing some of them out here a no brainer.

So this week I decided to kick it up a notch and challenge myself....to come up with a FRAG for every letter in the words FRAGMENTED FRIDAY.

And possibly impress Mrs. 4444 from Half Past Kissin' Time while I'm at it. Since she's the creator of FF, it's important to make her proud!

F – Fish heads do NOT seem appetizing to me. At all. Yet Andrew Zimmerman from Bizarre Foods would like me to believe otherwise. But what the hell does he know? He happily munches on pickled guinea pig and rodent brains while willingly burning a llama fetus as a way to ensure health and prosperity. I actually might try that last one but I don’t think Hannaford sells llama fetuses.

R – Right now, I MIGHT be at the Fryeburg Fair eating way more than I should and staring at some of the biggest balls this side of the Mason Dixon line. All depends on when you read this. Cuz we’re NOT leaving at the butt crack of dawn to get there. But if you’re reading at say 2pm, we just might be chock full of fried dough and turkey...and staring at those balls. Ginormous oxen means gigantic balls.

A – As usual, I’m craving candy corn. A LOT. Just can’t seem to get enough of them this time of year. I love them. As a mater of fact, I PUFFY HEART them. And yes, I’d marry them if it was legal.

G – Give Me a Break was one of my most favorite shows...back in the day. Cuz damn, did I want Nell Carter to live in my house! Not that I didn't love my family, cuz I did. I just thought having a sarcastic, fun loving, large bosomed woman in the house would be really cool. Don't ask. I have no explanation.

M – Mr. Blue Sky by E.L.O is damn addicting. At least to me it is. But not to John. He doesn’t even like it. Which I consider a BIG flaw in his character. But he’s a kick ass spooner so I opt to keep him around.

E – Every which way but loose. (Means absolutely nothing but every time I tried to think of something to go with E, that’s what popped into my head. Decided to just go with it.)

N – No one has yet bought me the everyday PRADA bag I so rightly deserve. Nope. No one. It’s sad. And makes for getting up each day and carrying on rather difficult. Sigh….

T – Ten to one, you’re shaking your head after reading what I just wrote and wondering, “Does Hallie REALLY think her life is hard cuz she doesn’t have the PRADA she wants?” The answer is yes.

E – E.T phone home. Cut me some slack people!!! E’s are hard!!

D – Disco rocks my world. And I’m pretty sure I was meant to be friends with Gloria Gaynor. I’m also pretty sure I WILL SURVIVE would have been an even bigger hit than it was if I had sung back up. Cuz I’m just that good. I do a mean version in my my car. (FYI…an iPhone makes a killer microphone.)

F – Fancy meeting you here. Well, you ARE here. And I’m feeling fancy. So my statement makes sense.

R - Running on the treadmill for 1 1/2 minutes is ABSOLUTELY enough time to reverse the caloric impact of a bowl of butter pecan ice cream. I should know. I asked myself and I said yes.

I – I’m really looking forward to tomorrow night. Cuz my BFF SWEARS she’s going to be fun Kimmy…fun Kimmy while wearing her party pants. Which, for those of you unversed in party pant lingo, COULD just mean she’s breaking out her assless chaps. Fingers crossed!!

D – Does it seem possible that my sock monkey smiled at me the other night? Cuz he did. I TOTALLY saw him do it thru my Ambien haze.

A – Adult acne should NOT exist. Well, at least not for woman who have delivered vaginally. Without meds. Cuz their husband decides FOR THEM them that they don’t need it. But that’s fodder for another day. I just think that if I already dealt with and survived having my girly parts stretched WIDE and snipped open with scissors, that I should NOT have to deal with the painful underground chin pimple that occasionally rears its ugly head. Cuz those mother effers hurt like a son of a bitch.

Y – You didn’t know that my girly bits were cut with scissors both times I delivered, did you? Bet you also don’t know that the SOUND of scissors CUTTING INTO YOUR GIRLY BITS is a sound that one never forgets. Muscles and scissors do NOT a good sound make. Trust me.