I had never experienced table saw kickback before. For those uninitiated, this occurs when the workpiece rides up on the back of the blade while being trapped against the fence. The workpiece is then literally shot back towards the operator. Consider the physics, my table saw turns at a rate of 3450 revolutions per minute. I did the calculations and that translates to a workpiece moving exactly ludicrously fast.

Until today, I have to say that I hadn’t given the notion of kickback much respect. I’ve had pieces get tossed back at the speed of slow-pitch softball and thought “hmmm… that’s not too bad… I could take that”. But the real deal is a whole different story.

I literally lost my breath when my workpiece kicked back and hit me on my right side with a thundering WHACK that must have been heard around the world. Stunned for a second, and in that instant I wondered, perhaps oddly so, if the severe impact would stop my heart. I then figured out that my heart is kind of located on the other side of my body and that it would probably be fine. Next, I feared that I had just become meat on a stick. Not until I saw my entire side in a mirror was I sure that I was not stuck like a pig.

Now, some may think this was an accident. But, I must say this is not the case… I kept losing my pin board when I went to transfer pin locations. So logically I thought “What if i had the pin locations marked on my body???” I know… your kicking yourself for not coming up with this genius idea first. My plan was brought to fruition in a mere fraction of a second. And now, transferring pin locations has never been so easy.

The other end of the board is also clearly defined on my flesh, but it includes nipple and I’m not ready to share that just yet or for free (that’s definitely premium site material).

You see that white arc on the piece of padauk that… ummm, that would be my skin cells. You can actually see the grain pattern of the piece of wood on my skin. Now I have to be mindful to not kill anyone with this sucker as clearly it would not pass the “if it does not fit, you must acquit” test.

At this point, I’m hoping it leaves a permanent mark. How hardcore would I be then? I totally would go to woodworking shows just to lift up my shirt, nod like a bad-ass, and say “yeah… that’s an offset box joint”.

What’s a little more troubling is to think of what could have been. I could easily be blind now if that board hit me in an eye. Although I’m not completely sure that I am even vulnerable to blindness given I have not yet suffered effects from countless years of unrelenting masturbation.

What was my specific technique? First, I was in a hurry to just make a quick cut so I would have a test piece for a groove I was about to make.  This was not going to be any sort of significant shop session and thus I was, of course, exempt from having to follow any safety rules. So no safety glasses, no shirt (there’s no woodworking like naked woodworking), no dust mask or even dust collection on (yes to a push stick and splitter). Another mistake was cutting too small a piece to be safely cut on a table saw without use of a sled.

Thinking of the table saw lawsuit that the woodworking community has been following the past year, I decided to look at the crime scene with the proper perspective… what TOOL caused this injury. Then it jumped out at me… the bench dog push stick is offset to the right, pulling the body of the user to the right and inline with dangerous kickback situations. Clearly my pain and suffering is due to this poorly designed tool.

Sadly, I would not be surprised to see someone make that frivolous argument. It’s an awesome push stick and this injury is just a stupid accident wherein I not-so-proudly have to own my stupidity for it occurring.

Having done the audio for the particular post, it struck me that it would be nice to have a companion audio version of each new post I create on my site going forward. I have to say that I might be prone to ad-libbing (as you may notice if you were to listen to the audio version of this post). But, I assure you that whatever creative liberties I take will not detract from the integrity of the written post and will most definitely NOT feel like a corny, local radio morning show. Obviously I’m way too classy for that. Plus, I have no desire to do anything that would potentially subject myself  to humiliation.

The downside of adding this new feature is that it will no doubt be yet another reason for me to put off finishing a post. I have a veritable cornucopia  of posts just sitting in the hopper waiting to be released. The reason I’m backed up, besides my naturally retentive personality, is that I never seem to get around to taking the photos or videos intended to accompany some of them. Others, frankly,  just did not meet the mark and instead resembled more of a steaming pile of beans.  Given that, adding another to-do item to writing a post may may not be extremely prudent. I know some of you think I’m all talk but I think I can get ‘er done.

Most likely the only people to listen to the audio versions will be my friends, so I’ll probably tailor this stuff to these special people.

Like most tools, I would like to use this tool at the good ‘ole workbench. How do we facilitate the usage of many other tools at the workbench? The first person that answered “bench-hook jigs” goes to the second row of the class. If you just read ahead for the answer and didn’t even venture a guess you go the head of the class as I also don’t like to be asked questions when reading silly blogs like this one.

So here is the fruit of my labor (that phrase makes me feel like I just when through childbirth… probably a similar process except less messy). I didn’t design any of it. I just identified an angle of elevation that I found desirable and built the box around that, employing mostly pocket hole joinery.

Completed Jointmaker Pro (JMP) Bench Hook

Pocket Hole Joinery

I made the hook to slip fit in to the junk (a.k.a. tool) tray and over the front of the bench. I guess in that regard it’s really not a hook but more of a two-time hooker.

To anchor the saw to the bench hook I installed T-Track and made some rather beefy hold-downs out of poplar. I wasn’t looking for elegance here… it’s a jig, right…

Poplar Hold Downs

Here’s a short video overview of the jig, plus the saw in action. Be kind… the camera adds ten lbs… apparently directly to the belly.

As a software developer in “Corporate America” the work was rarely enjoyable and frankly completely devoid of any sense of real satisfaction by it’s nature. It involved endless hours of sitting idly and staring at a fixed distance. In retrospect, it is possible that the sitting idly part could have reflected negatively upon me. In any event, after 15 years of it, I definitely feel a change is and will be healthy. But change to what? Well, If you know me, you know that my interests and aspirations lie in woodworking and donkey training. Donkey training is a bear on the back so woodworking would seem the better fit.

So here’s the deal.  I’m giving myself 6 months to attempt to make and sell woodworking items, specifically keepsake boxes to start. At the end of this challenge I’ll evaluate whether there is any chance that I could do it for a living. If not, I’ll stow away my soul and find another software job (I’m making gagging sounds right now).

Initially, I plan to make keepsake boxes. A design I fell in love with was Rob Cosman’s wood hinge box. His instructional DVD on making the box is a perfect tutorial. I’ve emailed Rob to ask permission to start out making his style boxes for sale and he graciously permitted me to do so. At some point, I expect to have a fit of creativity and put my mark on things.

Contrary to my generally delusional mindset, I know the odds of this panning out are slim (like pick-4 slim). I’m also cognizant of the “grass is greener” mentality, meaning that when this hobby becomes a job I know some of the currently fun things may, and will, become not so fun things. But nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? So with that, I will now discard all remaining TPS reports and pick up my woodworking tools.

Things I look forward to during the challenge:

• Working my hours. My sleep clock hasn’t worked in decades.
• Pooping in private. I’ve never really enjoyed a good BM at work with feet atappin’ in the adjoining stall. In fact, the bathrooms at work broke every principle that should be observed in a proper bathroom (perhaps worthy of it’s own post).
• Being active… the sedentary nature of my previous job was the worst. If you closed your eyes and just listened you could actually hear your arteries clogging from your last vending machine run.
• Just being free from “Corporate America”. I no longer live in fear of HR!!! I can walk around my new workplace cursing like a sailor and slapping people on the ass (given that I’m the only employee I’ll have to get a little creative on that one).
• Not being employee 013776 anymore. My entire adult life I have been a number, in the Navy and in a ginormous Fortune 500 company. Working for myself I expect to be recognized as employee of the month at least twice every month.

Things I do NOT look forward to during the challenge:

• Arguing with the boss over what constitutes “extended Oprah breaks”
• Removing dried glue from clamps more frequently
• The hazing I am preparing to do to myself (everyone has to pay their dues)

My six month challenge shall commence on Cinco de Mayo which, so happens, is an observed holiday at my place of business (finally, a day off!). I do reserve the right to lay myself off anytime after 30 days, unconditionally and without notice if i haven’t sold one million dollars worth of boxes (Shhh, this isn’t true… I ‘m just managing expectations of myself… it’s a corporate motivational technique intended to induce anxiety and despair as soon as possible).

The wrist has healed up quite a bit and I’m back woodworking. I was finally able to present family members with their Christmas presents. Yes, I did contemplate holding on to them for this Christmas but my mother was the wiser, remembering my promise of a cutting board. Course I am also getting to merge in some birthdays so still some combo points for me there.

As you may notice these are the Wood Whisperer’s famous end-grain cutting boards which he provides most excellent instructions on how to make. While all three are made from Purpleheart and Rock Maple I did vary the pattern for each. The parallelogram design is my favorite by far and the biggest pain in the butt by far. Even with cauls and max clamping pressure the parallelogram sticks walked up on each other. I had to span every joint with it’s own clamp. It was worth it though as it yields a nice little 3D effect. If you look at it from a certain angle and with certain chemicals in your system you will see a little M.C. Escher effect.

This was the first time using my Rockler electric branding iron. Very pleased with the results. Definitely adds the personal touch. The instructions advise wearing a thick leather glove. I did not see the point since the handle doesn’t get hot. Interestingly though, when you turn the iron vertically to make your mark, the heat rises towards your hand as if some sort of sorcery is at play. Sometimes we just need to learn things the old-fashioned way.

Going forward, be warned, major changes are afoot in Wood Zealot land (no, I still have a penis… not that radical a change, but it’s still a biggie for me!). An upcoming post will share all the details…

As you can see from my x-rays, I am now part machine. Let me hasten to add that parts of me are still human. Before you pure humans cast me from society, I ask you… If you prick me, do I not bleed? I’ll just go ahead and answer that… yes, yes I do bleed. So please do not prick me. That really was the point of all this. I just don’t want to get pricked going forward.

Some lessons learned in regards to having your wrist in a cast:

• It’s OK to stick stuff down the cast to itch things… but do not, I repeat DO NOT, proceed to sniff that scratching object no matter how tempted you are. There’s never a happy ending to that story.
• It feels natural to club things. I’ve accidentally whipped the cast around and clubbed doors, a plate of food, and my face (twice). In an unrelated event, I just ordered a baby seal off eBay.
• You must get used to placing objects between your legs, using your thighs to secure them. I even peeled a banana this way… it felt ironic. I was fairly comfortable with this technique until I was in full squat with a 2 liter soda wedged all up in there… the soda was from a pizza delivery guy who I’m going to say needs new shocks on his car. One of those moments when there’s no where to go…. nowhere to hide.
• Your groin is not the only place to stick things to handle/manipulate them…  Armpits, teeth, and other places will allow you to administer a python-like grip depending on the item at hand and your willingness to experiment. As Clint Eastwood said  as Sergeant Highway in Heartbreak Ridge “You adapt. You overcome. You improvise“. He also said “I’m mean, nasty and tired. I eat concertina wire and piss napalm and I can put a round in a flea’s ass at 200 meters. ” other than the “tired” part, none of that really applies to me but it seems like a bad ass way to end this post.

I cannot tell you how much I dread that decision at this moment. If I could go back in time I would tell myself to not let so much of it go as well as inform myself of the results of a few horse races (I might as well make a buck or two if I’m going to time travel, right?). So, what’s the cause of my regret you ask? (if you did not ask, where’s your sense of curiosity?) The answer is I took a shot at spalting the logs I kept and today I opened one of the logs up and to my amazement, with each successive cut I made, some impressive spalting appeared before my eyes.

Nice flame figured grain revealed upon squaring up log

Log split in half revealing spalting

Sectioned into quarters

Close up of spalted sweet gum

I should say that even without spalting this sweet gum material is impressive stuff. Here’s a log I opened up at about the 6 month point… I don’t believe there’s any substantial spalting, but I was still surprised to see the variety of colors as well as the flame like grain. Just pretty stuff.

So what’s my super secret formula that I followed to achieve this? I wax sealed one end of the log with Anchorseal and set the log on end with the non-sealed end on the bare ground and then I forgot about it. The idea is, from what I understand, that moisture wicks up from the ground and cannot escape through the sealed end, thus providing an environment for fungi to flourish.

The original reason I even kept these logs was to turn handles for a bunch of chisels. I’m not sure I can do that in good conscious with this stuff. I think I’m going to have to slice up the remaining logs into small boards. This looks like prime box-top material! Uggh, I don’t if I can wait for this stuff to dry.

Since the bottom edge of this log was starting to turn “punky” I imagine it’s time to harvest the rest of the material. So tomorrow I’ll slice these up into small boards and sticker them up. I can’t wait to see what I find inside the others… it’s starting to feel a lot like Christmas… actually Christmas eve.

And to the remaining sweet gum trees on my property, my suggestion is to live in, and really appreciate, the fleeting moment.

Note: In the interest of remaining chronologically factual, with regards to the title of this post, the actual order of events occurred in reverse.

So I was in the shop the other day fumbling around looking for a tool that I had most definitely put back in it’s proper place after it’s previous use, but has since migrated elsewhere, when my eyes became trained on a particular object. If you are thinking that the object was probably shiny, you are correct. The object of my gaze this time was a corrugated fastener which found itself separated from the herd. With my eyes fixed, the fastener gestured to me to come pick it up while saying “look at me, don’t I look like a beading profile.” I replied “why yes you do… and you’re just a little bit vein aren’t you?”

I grabbed it as-is and stuck it in my Veritas beader and went to town on a Mahogany offcut with many existing surface blemishes. Surprisingly the results weren’t completely horrible. Definitely worth playing with further…

Next, I rather hastily attempted to refine the cutter by removing the bevel and finished by jointing the top surface. The third photo below shows my cutter on the left versus a virginal corrugated fastener on the right.

I probably should have taken more time and been more exacting in this effort but I was anxious to get to scratching. With my jock itch relieved, I put this new cutter to work. Ideally the profile in the cutters are all 90 degrees as the Village Carpenter explains. The corrugations clearly prevent this, but it didn’t seem to create much of a problem. Here is the results in some rock maple (looks a little odd as I did it right along the heartwood/sapwood border).

For some reason the tactile feedback you get with scraping and scratching things is just too much fun (probably why my mosquito bites tend to never heal). The Veritas beading tool ships with predefined cutters but also with blanks for you to create custom cutters (or scrapers really). Another option is to grab an old Stanley 66 beader off ebay (can be seen in the photo above). It has a nice feel and a good fence for solid reference against square edges. I’d still recommend the Veritas though as it allows for wider profiles (such as these corrugated fasteners) and is presumably better for profiling curvilinear pieces as you can reconfigure the fence into a bullnose position (haven’t tested this but it makes sense).  Course, you really don’t even have to spend a penny for a beading tool. Visit any woodworking forum for helpful threads on making your own scratch stock as well as making the cutters from old hacksaw/bandsaw blades.

If you do want to make your own scratch-stock, you won’t do any better than following this post by The Village Carpenter where she walks you through making two incarnations of beaders. Grab some corrugated fasteners and do some beading for very little cost! Wait, what am I saying… just contact me to place an order for one of my special beading cutters for the low, low price of $9.95 per beader (only $13.95 with undercoating option added). Ask for the “Wood Zealot Special” and you’ll get 2 cutters for just $29.95. You can’t get these cutters anywhere else! Act now! Limited time offer!

Well… ummmm… I’m freaking out a bit as I just took a visual survey of my home and I can envision an appraiser torpedoing the deal if they were to lack the creative vision necessary to see past how I’ve decorated the spaces. I imagine an appraiser is accustomed to seeing a dining room with perhaps a dining room table. Mine looks like this (these pics show things in a messy state… the notice on the appraisal was short leaving me little time to get organized):

Lumber buffet.

I must say that downdraft tables have long been overlooked in the dining room. Tired of having to pick up stray chips, pretzels, and cheerios from your dining table? What about trying to round up all those elusive crumbs? These nuisances instantly go away with one touch of a “start” button.

Going with the workbench motif

And yes, those are horse stall mats on the floor.

I’m guessing an appraiser is also unaccustomed to seeing a kitchen like this:

My spice rack. "A Dash of Stanley No. 3 sole rust makes any dish pop."

Requisite lathe for turning potatoes into fries (I actually saw that on a DVD once).

Even the living room is more like an office with a desk and light table in the middle of the room. It’s also where I store a post drill press (intended as a functional tool for the garage one day… the gears run like butta).

A living room? I probably should tidy up before taking pics, huh.

Standard living room accessory

If at any point I feel like the appraiser isn’t going to look past the current design of my home I’ll be prepared to remove him from the picture assuming the appraisal company will just send another one? Or maybe I should splatter red paint along the walls of one bedroom and just explain that “this is where I take people that prevent me from getting what I want”.

An observation that I made while writing this post it that I’m down to having exactly one chair in my entire home. Playing musical chairs when friends come over is going to end rather abruptly.

*** update: As is the norm for me, I didn’t get to publish this until a few days later. So, I can also report that the appraiser arrived and upon walking into my “dining room” exclaimed “Wow! I love this place!” and repeated that in mantra-like fashion until he left…  so I may have lucked out and am encouraged that things may go forward. My nerves are much less frayed. ***

In all honesty, as each day passes, I’m just proud that the references to me out there on the web are not for something embarrassing, such as a youtube video of me being caught riding a pony completely drunk wearing only a diaper (If I wasn’t clear there, I’m the one wearing the diaper… the pony is completely drunk).

I will strive to post more on topic about woodworking. In general though, I’m just trying to have a good time here… and for me a good time is writing a post that others find amusing, then a little disturbing, and ultimately nauseating. That is the cycle of life for my standard post.

Now time to head off for the weekend and celebrate with some beverages and Rhonda (Rhonda’s my pony). Wooohoooo!

Rhonda getting ready to party