Wooster's Rules

Rules 59 through 64

2010-01-18T09:00:00.008-05:00

59. Except in the case of a dinner suit, black suits should be avoided.

60. Generally, the only acceptable colors for men’s dress shoes are black or some shade of brown; a narrow exception exists for the white buck, but this shoe is fraught with peril and should be approached with caution.

61. Despite what some women will tell you (inexplicably), it is perfectly acceptable to wear black dress shoes with a navy suit. Just make sure they are polished.

62. Woven leather shoes are never acceptable.

63. Gentlemen always wash their hands—with soap—when visiting the lavatory. There are absolutely no exceptions.

64. Sports team jerseys should be avoided unless you are a member of the team or are attending an actual, live match. And in the latter case, only if you absolutely insist.

Rules 51 through 58

2009-04-16T08:40:00.004-04:00

51. If you plan on wearing sandals, cut your damn toenails. Better yet, don't wear sandals and cut your damn toenails anyway.

52. Black and midnight blue (not navy blue) are the only acceptable colors for a dinner suit (a “tuxedo” if you must). A white dinner jacket is only acceptable in warm weather or tropical settings.

53. “Black-tie” or “Formal” means that you should wear a black bowtie with white, double (French)-cuff shirt and a dinner suit or jacket (see Rule 52). Anything else is clownish.

54. “Creative black-tie” should be avoided at all costs.

55. If an invitation specifies “Formal” or “Black-tie” and you show up in anything else (see Rules 52 & 53) you are insulting your hosts.

56. You are not a man until you own a dinner suit.

57. If you jingle when you walk, you have too much change in your trouser pockets. Take it out.

58. If you insist on having your dress shirts monogrammed, the monogram should be located somewhere discreet (never on the cuff) and the monogram should be the same color as the shirt.

Rules 41 through 50

2009-04-16T08:27:00.004-04:00

41. If your idea of “business casual” is a pair of chinos and a golf shirt, don’t do business casual.

42. No patterned silk shirts. Ever.

43. Do not pair a dark shirt with a lightly-colored tie, unless you are in a film about organized crime.

44. Square-toed shoes are never a good idea.

45. Center-vented or side-vented is always preferable to ventless.

46. Unless you are a competitive swimmer, Speedos are never appropriate.

47. Never wear a button-down collar shirt with a double-breasted jacket. No exceptions.

48. Necklaces are never a good idea for men.

49. Wearing your college class ring past the age of 25 is pathetic.

50. Never wear socks of any kind with sandals. If your feet are that cold, you shouldn’t be wearing sandals.

Rules 31 through 40

2008-07-24T07:36:00.002-04:00

31. Unless you are a girl, you should never wear a tank top.

32. Unless you are: (i) at the beach; (ii) swimming; or (iii) playing a sport, lost the coin toss and are on the “skins” side, put a damn shirt on.

33. If your fingernails extend past the tip of your fingers, you are disgusting.

34. No. Ponytails. Ever.

35. If your dress trousers have belt loops, you must wear a belt. No exceptions.

36. If you get a stain on a tie and Tiecrafters (www.tiecrafters.com) can’t get it out, throw it away.

37. Yes, your suit jacket has two lower exterior pockets; that does not mean you should put things in those pockets.

38. If you tan in any way other than by ordinary sunlight outdoors, you are an asshat.

39. If you tan using “self-tanner” you are worse than an asshat, you are a douchebag of the first water.

40. Lapel pins are for idiots.

Rules 26 through 30

2008-07-08T08:34:00.001-04:00

26. You are not a man until you can tie a bowtie.

27. It is never acceptable to wear a baseball cap with a suit.

28. Logo umbrellas are to be avoided unless absolutely necessary to avoid being drenched.

29. Trim your damn nose hair.

30. Unless required by your religion or you are disfigured, beards are rarely a good idea.

Rules 19 through 25

2008-07-03T08:05:00.003-04:00

19. The “fauxhawk” is the new mullet. That means if you have one, you are, ipso facto, a douche.

20. Approach hats with caution—some men can pull them off, but most of us look ridiculous.

21. If you wear Crocs, you deserve to be ridiculed.

22. When wearing a suit coat or sport coat, the sleeve of your shirt should extend at least ¼ inch past your jacket sleeve.

23. Unless they are of reverse-calf (suede), your dress shoes should be polished. Always.

24. Unless you are a jazz musician, shave that “soul patch,” you look like an idiot.

25. When wearing a suit, it is never acceptable to wear sneakers and then change into dress shoes when you arrive at your destination. If your dress shoes are that uncomfortable, buy new ones that fit correctly, you pillock.

Rules 16 through 18

2008-07-02T08:43:00.002-04:00

16. Unless you (i) work in the IT department; (ii) are a doctor who is on-call; (iii) are an on-duty law enforcement officer; or (iv) want to look like a ass, it is never a good idea to wear electronic devices on your belt.

17. The only occasion during which it is acceptable to use a Bluetooth earpiece with a mobile phone is whilst driving. If you wear one at any other time, know that you look like a twat and people are making fun of you.

18. Pleated cotton trousers are rarely a good idea.

Rules 11 through 15

2008-06-30T18:29:00.002-04:00

11. Boxers or nothing, unless you are playing a sport.

12. If your tie extends below your belt, it is too long.

13. Wearing a hat indoors is never acceptable, unless you are an actor in a play and the scene is supposed to take place outdoors.

14. If you can fit more than three fingers side-by-side (like the Boy Scout salute) between your stomach and your buttoned suit or sport jacket, it is too loose. See Rule 1.

15. Unless you are blind, disfigured or recently had a medical procedure on your eyes, the following is the only circumstance during which it is acceptable to wear sunglasses: (a) you are outside; and (b) the sun is shining. Wearing sunglasses at any other time (esp. indoors, at night) marks you as a poseur douche.

Rules 1 through 10

2008-06-29T12:49:00.003-04:00

1. Get your tailored clothing (e.g., suits, sport coats, trousers) professionally altered by a trained tailor. This rules out most dry cleaners.

2. And yes, men wear “trousers,” not “pants,” and certainly not “slacks.” The only exceptions to this nomeclature are the names of certain species of trousers that have specific traditional fabrications or uses (e.g., chinos, khakis, plus-fours, jodhpurs, jeans, dungarees, etc.).

3. You know that little label (or labels) sewn to the left sleeve of a suit or sport coat (and sometimes overcoats), the one that has the maker’s name on it or says something like “100% Cashmere”? You do? Good, now listen up: that label is meant to be removed when the garment is altered—it is only placed on the coat to make it easier to see which company made it, or what the fabric is, while the coat is hanging in the store. That’s why it is lightly tacked and not sewn down. Leaving it on the jacket, or even worse, having it sewn on more securely, is the indelible mark of a complete twat.

4. Pocket squares should never extend more than one inch above the breast pocket (and if square-folded white linen, preferably half an inch).

5. Wearing an expensive pen in the outside breast pocket of your suit or sport coat marks you out as an ass.

6. Pleated trousers should always be cuffed. No exceptions.

7. Forward pleated trousers are more flattering than reverse pleated trousers. Just make sure they fit correctly.

8. Pleated trousers should be worn at the waist, not the hips. If worn at the hips, the pleats will gap and you will look like a clown.

9. Buttoning jackets: Single-breasted two-button: button only the top button. Single-breasted three-button: if the jacket rolls to the middle, only button the middle button; if the jacket rolls to the top button, throw the jacket away and buy one that rolls to the middle. Single-breasted one-button: it had better be a dinner suit, else you’re a twit. Double-breasted: if six-button, two-to-button, only button the top button; if it’s anything else, throw it away and buy a six-to-two.

10. Skinny jeans: if you are not in a band and under the age of 25, don’t.