Words for Things That Don't Have Words

Phonoxiousness

2010-11-09T20:34:00.000-08:00

(fo-nok-shuss) noun

A mysterious psychological disorder characterized by the need to play music from a battered cell phone without headphones while on public transportation. The sound emitting from the cell phone is often described as one of the worst sounds on earth to hear. However, people who suffer from phonoxiousness are completely oblivious and even think the sound is pleasing. These people also suffer from extremely low intelligence as well as the delusion that they are not among the worst people on earth.

Image: a suitable image to convey phonoxiousness could not be found, so an image of Michael Douglas on a comically big cordless phone will have to suffice.

Racisual

2010-11-06T16:51:00.000-07:00

(rais-izsh-ual) adjective

Used to describe the overwhelming amount of people of Caucasian descent found whenever one searches for images on Google images.

Nearly every phrase or combination of words typed into a Google image search - unless the entered phrase contains ethnic-specific phrases like "mariachi," "sushi chef," and "Jay-Z" - it will bring up about 99.9% Caucasians. The .1% difference usually contains an image of a famous black person who has absolutely nothing at all to do with the keywords entered into the Google search.

Image: an image of Scatman Crothers, the actor best known for his roles in The Shining and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, was found when a Google image search for "religious/epistemological theories in 16th century China."

Vagueiche

2010-11-06T16:31:00.000-07:00

(vayg-ee-shay) verb

The act, most often performed by professional athletes during interviews, that involves repeating cliches and speaking full monologues without ever saying anything that has any substance or meaning whatsoever.

Vagueiching is a common trait of professional hockey players. Answers from hockey players to interviewers have been known to consist of nothing but the phrases "eh," "uhhh," and "we just gotta skate harder and put more shots on net."

Image: Despite the severity of this hockey fight, when asked about it after the game, both players gave the same answer: "Uhhh...we just gotta skate harder and put more shots on net, eh."

Eetrep

2010-11-04T09:06:00.000-07:00

(each-rep) noun

The moment of hesitation accompanied with confusion over how to convey a message via e-mail or texting.

Due to the fact that it is absolutely necessary to avoid talking on the phone at all costs in modern society, each and every form of communication must now be read on some sort of screen. However, the human mind has not yet evolved to fully comprehend written communication in the same way it does verbal communication. This has resulted in an upsurge of "smiley faces" everywhere, as well as "winking faces" to indicate such ultra-personal communication like kinky naughtiness.

Nonetheless, these childish symbols are not always appropriate or adequate in conveying a subtle nuance in communication, and many people experience eetrep several times a day. Research has shown that some people have considered simply calling the other person and getting the point across quicker and more effectively. However, the thought of verbal communication has been shown to cause intense fear within the research subject and they preferred to settle for awkward and unclear text messages that resulted in several more back-and-forth email or text sessions clarifying the initial message and apologizing for the confusion.

Image: A recipient of a text message from somebody who experienced eetrep before pressing "send".

Oshitsorry

2010-11-03T20:16:00.000-07:00

(ohsh-its-ahrry) noun

The feeling a male has after ejaculating quicker than intended. Oshitsorry is sometimes mistaken for guilt and/or embarrassment. However, research shows that oshitsorry is closer to fear in terms of emotional reactions, due to the worry the male has that the female won't allow him to have sex with her again.

The men magazine industry is alleged to be entirely supported by the existence of oshitsorry due to their endless variations of "how to prolong your sexual enjoyment" articles. Oshitsorry has also been known to be used as an excuse for men to masturbate more often - due to a rumor that breathing in deeply during sex will prevent premature ejaculation. This has long proved to be untrue by countless experiments from millions of voluntary test subjects. Nonetheless, those test subjects are still testing. Again and again. Sometimes without even breathing deeply.

image: a man experiences oshitsorry while his female companion considers vibrators, lesbianism, and her male companion's best friend.

Physioprick

2010-11-03T10:33:00.000-07:00

(fiz-zy-ohp-rick) noun

A person who tends to occupy exercise machines at the gym without actually exercising. This mental defect is usually caused by either complete ignorance of common sense and social etiquette or a sense of entitlement and self-obsession that often affects people who go to the gym on a regular basis. The former is a common affliction of many members in American society.

The latter, however, is a growing and dangerous psychological trend made even more dangerous by the existence of gyms because if these physiopricks get healthier, they will live longer and prolong their physioprickness to the detriment of the world.

And forget asking the physioprick if you could use the machine while he or she "rests." They will likely be too busy listening to their ipod and staring at the wall to be bothered by your simple request to take turns on a machine like people are supposed to do. They will only look at you like you like you're an overly gung-ho, steroid-injected, gym-control freak.

Image: a physioprick not getting up from the gym equipment because screw you, that's why.

Cafelce

2010-11-03T07:53:00.000-07:00

(caf-ell-say) verb

The act of putting enormous amounts of sweetened creamer into the really bad coffee sold at Latin American food stores in Manhattan. This is done to make the really bad coffee drinkable - although this is debatable. When one must cafelce, they can sometimes put so much creamer into the coffee that their coffee has turned into liquid sugar with a hint of bad coffee taste. Although this is preferable to the horrendous taste of coffee brands such as Cafe Bustelo or Cafe Caribe, the risk of diabetes and obesity can sometimes cause a person to cry into their sugar coffee beverage instead of drinking it, resulting in an intense desire to move to a more gentrified neighborhood where getting a decent cup of coffee is a feasible task.

Image: a victim of Cafe Bustelo coffee in a delirious state of mind moments before drowning herself in order to never drink Cafe Bustelo ever again.

Polisucks

2010-11-03T06:49:00.000-07:00

(po-lis-uks) adj

Used to describe the political process the day after a democratic election. Polisucks usually signifies the fact that all politics are bullshit and that the American people are disgustingly fickle, if not completely and utterly stupid.

Referring to things as polisucks is often accompanied with a disenchantment in the entire democratic process; a realization that the act of voting serves no purpose other than giving justification to a broken and corrupt system that is decided by dollars instead of votes. Nonetheless, most people who experience this disenchantment vote again. Scientific researchers are exploring possible ties between democracy and masochism.

Buffanonian

2010-11-02T21:20:00.000-07:00

(buff-uh-no-nee-in) noun

A person who suffers from a rare brain disease characterized by a strong like and interest in Buffalo sports teams, despite the fact that Buffalo sports teams will never win a major sports championship. Ever.

Buffanonians often suffer from alcoholism, high blood pressure, and a desire to stab themselves in the eye with a butterknife at the end of every sports season.

Image: an elderly Buffanonian stares into the distance as another sports season ends in humiliation and he realizes he would have been better off spending his life searching for plaid unicorns in his backyard rather than root for Buffalo sports teams.

Wellyways

2010-11-02T20:48:00.000-07:00

(well-ee-wayz) noun

The awkward feeling people have during conversation when each party has run out of things to say but do not know what to say to begin the parting of ways. The result is usually one of the conversation participants saying, "Well...anyways," and another party saying, "Yeahhhh." This verbal exchange often succeeds in allowing the conversation participants to begin the good-bye process in a polite and convenient manner.

Unfortunately, the feeling of awkwardness has been known to make a greater impression than the conversation that took place beforehand, even when that conversation was interesting. The result is that each of the conversation participants will try their best to stay away from the other for a prolonged period of time. And if the wellyways were experienced at a party or similar social gathering, the former conversation participants will only acknowledge each other with tight, forced smiles until one of them leaves and eloquently (but quickly) says their farewells.