what is God's ideal woman?

Today is the thirty-first of May, and my husband always reads Proverbs chapter 31 on this day.  This morning he read it aloud to me.  I think he will get points for that!   This passage of the bible is God’s version of the ideal woman. 

The Proverbs 31 woman does a lot of work.  It reminds me of my favorite Helen Reddy song, “I am Woman”:  “If I have to, I can do anything. I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman.” 

Unlike me, however, she never seems to get weary.

The husband is the voice in this passage, and he is obviously proud of his wife.  Her children call her blessed.  So what kind of woman is she?  What personality would the Proverbs 31 woman have?  I think that what God considers the ideal woman will surprise most people.  I see some major differences between God’s version and the Christian version of the ideal woman. 

Click here to read Proverbs 31:10-31 New International Version (NIV)

Whew!  Do you get tired just reading this?  As a steady phlegmatic, I sure do!  I think it is interesting not because of what it says, but because of what it does not say.

You don’t see a woman who stays home all day.  You don’t see a woman who is especially nurturing, although she does help the poor.  She works tirelessly, rising before dawn.  She earns money for the family out in the community.  Her husband has full confidence in her, and she causes him to be respected by other men.  She sounds very much like a dominant choleric personality.  She has high energy, accomplishes a lot, and is goal oriented. 

I like to share this with women that I know who also have dominant choleric personalities.  They sometimes feel that they are not good mothers or wives because they don’t feel nurturing and willing to sit and rock babies all day long.  They are more driven, and are comfortable excelling in the business world.  The Proverbs 31 woman sounds just like them!

Too many times, the Christian genre has labeled a “female” personality and a “male” personality.  The prevailing view is that the two genders are like opposite poles, and so different from one another that they are like beings from different planets.  This stereotype can disenfranchise those who don’t fit the pattern. 

I am not sure why this is so popular, except that it is just very different from the secular view. What a silly reason for creating a stereotype! 

But then stereotypes are always silly, aren’t they?

The bible clearly does not agree with the Christian stereotypical woman.  Maybe God just knew that dominant choleric women would need some encouragement, so he made sure this passage was in the bible. 

How about you?  Are you a dominant choleric woman?  How do you look at your role as a woman?  Are you a man who is married to a dominant choleric woman?  How can you encourage her?

…because U count, debbie

ancient goals

Goals.  Lots has been written about setting goals and achieving goals.  But very little of it attempts to tailor goals based on personality.  Except, that is, in the ancient bible.  Here we read that everyone is capable of setting and achieving goals in a biblical way; personality wise!

Each personality has particular strengths and weaknesses.  This information originated some 400 years before Christ, and has been researched, confirmed and improved ever since.  Some personalities have more difficulty setting goals, others have more difficulty at achieving the goals. 

Each personality style needs some assistance with goals, according to their style.

With Goals, one size DOES NOT fit all!

In 2 Corinthians 8:11, we read, “Now finish the work, so that your eager willingness to do it may be matched by your completion of it, according to your means.”

From biblical days, it was recognized that setting and achieving goals could be challenging.

Some are eager and willing to set goals.  But this type has trouble following up and finishing the work.

Some have no trouble completing tasks, if only they could drum up the willing eagerness to set the goals in the first place.

Some set unreasonable goals, and refuse to give up working toward them to the point that their health suffers.

Some don’t see the point in setting or achieving goals in the first place!

“Goals are the fuel in the furnace of achievement.” Brian Tracy, Eat that Frog

All can complete goals, according to your means.  Each one of us needs different constructs in our lives to make us more productive, to motivate ourselves better, and to develop our strengths more effectively. 

There are things you need to know about yourself in order to set and achieve goals, according to your means.  How are you motivated?  What stresses you?  What are your priorities.  An online personality profile can give you that information.  The rest is simple.

You will want to incorporate constructs that motivate you.

You will want to avoid things that stress you.

You will want to make sure that your priorities are met in your goals.

That’s the way to make sure you set and achieve goals successfully, personality wise!

What are goals like for you?  Are you eager and willing to set them?  Are you motivated to achieve the goals once set?  Please comment and let us know.

…because U count, debbie

what is a woman?

What have I learned about the future based on my past? 

I entered college in 1972, and my prized possession was the Heath Kit stereo I built with my dad.  Among my favorite records was Helen Reddy’s “I am Woman”.  My husband sighs today when he remembers how many times he had to listen to those lyrics during our dating years: “If I have to, I can do anything. I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman.”

I was a charter subscriber to MS. Magazine, and proudly bore the brand new title, Ms.  I intended to be and do anything and everything, just like the song said.  I graduated from college, got my master’s degree, embarked on my career and had a baby. 

But in real life, this concept failed to deliver.  Instead of “I am Woman”, my song was “I am Weary”.

Jeremy Howard, in his book, “The New Eve” writes, “From this age of idealism, the concept of the supermom was born. This idea, however, was short-lived. By the end of the ’70s, working moms were tasting the bitterness of reality and exhaustion that doing it all brings.”

I ended up quitting my job and staying home to raise my son, and later my daughter as well.  I never regretted doing that.  I now consider myself blessed that we were able to manage with one career.  As I look back, the time that I spent at home with my children is precious.  I will never have those days with them again.  And although it seemed that time moved slowly back then, now it seems like those years were over in a heartbeat. 

I made some sacrifices along the way.  When I returned to the workforce in 2007, my hourly wage was less than half of what it was 25 years earlier.  My skills were dated, and I was starting over. 

But what in life is worth achieving that doesn’t require sacrifice?  I consider the trade-off fair.  And once I did return to work, I had 20 great, unencumbered years ahead of me.  More than the time that I invested in raising my children. 

I remember a speaker saying years ago, “You can do everything, just not all at the same time.”

So what would be my lesson to young women? 

First, don’t let your life be dictated to you by the media, the social standards, or other’s expectations.  You are a unique woman, created by God for a special purpose. There is no one else like you.  You will get advice and nudgings from all kinds of sources.  In the end the decision about your life’s path needs to be between you and God.

Second, know that the decision you make today about your life needs to be seen as fluid.  Nothing lasts forever, which is probably a good thing.  You will change as you mature, your circumstances will change, the economy will change, society will change, life will change. 

Go through life with your knees flexed like a skier.  When you hit the inevitable mogul, you won’t be surprised and end up on your face.

What about you?  Any ‘older’ women out there who would like to pontificate on their life lessons?  The young women are listening.

…because U count, debbie

success or failure?

Is your persoanlity wired for either success or failure?  I recently had an encounter with a prospective coach that led me to believe that this might be the prevalent stereotype.  However, I do not believe that the stereotype is correct.  I have achieved success in reaching my goals even though I do not have the stereotype “success” personality.

I had been trying out a business coach with a short program.  I thought it would help me to determine whether I wanted to invest in the year long program that the coach offered. 

During one of our conversations, the coach told me that I was never going to be a success unless I had a very strong, driving passion.  He just didn’t think I had it in me.  The kind of passion he was referring to can be explained by the terms, “Type A”, or dominant or choleric. 

I don’t have that kind of drive.  I have the least amount of dominance in my personality that anyone can have and still be breathing!

So, in a way, he was correct.  I would never be successful in his program because his program was designed by a dominant choleric personality for a dominant choleric personality. 

That’s not me.

He didn’t know what to do with me.  His vision and program are one-size-fits-all.   

However, I have been setting and achieving goals for years.  How can that be?

As a Certified Personality Trainer, I have learned that there are 4 basic personality types.  The personality type doesn’t tell you everything about a person.  But it tells you enough about a person to be very useful.

Only 10% to 25% of people have a high dominant personality.  That means that the vast majority of goals programs are written for only 10% to 25% of the people!

That leaves the rest of us, 75% to 90% of the population, out in the cold. 

It’s time to correct that!

Do you have trouble setting or achieving goals?  Please comment and let me know if you would like to be part of my new goals group starting soon.  Your goals will be tailor-made just for you to achieve success, not failure.  Any personality can have success achieving goals!

…because U count, debbie

One more thought on yesterday’s blog post about What We Keep by Elizabeth Berg.  Forgiving family may be the hardest thing you ever do.  But it is the healthiest thing you can do.

Ginny, the narrator of the book and daughter of the protagonist is speaking about her choice to stay home and raise her children, something that her own mother failed to do.

“If I am completely honest, which I am trying very hard to be right now, I would say that it was not just that I decided my career would be my children. Rather it occurs to me that I did not pursue any profession having to do with psychology because if I understood more about how people work, how they are, I might understand my mother.  And I did not want to understand my mother.  If I understood her, I might have to forgive her.” 

When we refuse to forgive, it is a way for us to ‘get back’ at someone.  We feel justified in our hurt, and are dedicated to punish the other person.  Giving up on that would somehow seem to justify what was done to us.  We erroneously think that forgiveness means letting someone off the hook or taking the blame on ourselves. 

That is not forgiveness.  Forgiveness is choosing not to treat someone as they deserve. 

Ginny goes on to say, “And at some critical time I became very much invested in not forgiving her-we all did.  It became an underpinning in our reduced family, a need, even, just as there seems to be a terrible need for family feuds to continue.  In a way, it is as if your refusal to forgive is too much a part of you to lose it.  Who would you be without it?  Not yourself.  Lost, somehow.” 

Isn’t that true, that our bitterness becomes so big that it defines us?  That without the bitterness we would lose track of who we are?  Even if we are suffering from emotional or physical illness because of bitterness, we still cling to it.

The truth is that the beliefs that we hold onto from childhood are sometimes tinged with immaturity.  We see things and hear things as a child, and we interpret those things with the mind of a child.

When we come to adulthood we can take steps to heal ourselves from bitterness by exploring the situations from the mind of an adult.  The forgiveness that comes is similar to what Jesus said, “Forgive them, Father, they don’t know what they are doing.” 

Your parents were acting based on their own emotional needs.  And so do you.  Understanding that, and being willing to forgive will set you free to forgive family and be set free from the bondage of bitterness.

…because U count, debbie

to be mothers

Girls are needy creatures who often grow into needy women.  Our personalities come into play because each personality style has specific compelling needs.  We usually look to our mothers to meet those needs.  When they are not met by our mothers, we decide that we will be better mothers, and will meet those needs in our children.  Regardless of whether they have those needs or not.

I just read Elizabeth Berg’s What We Keep , a riveting journey through 35 years of growing up and yet not growing up.   The theme of “What We Keep” is that we tend to hold on to the most wrenching and transformative emotions of childhood, fearing that releasing them will cause us to be cast adrift because the emotional needs so define us. 

For instance, the conscientious melancholy child needs a lot of support and sensitivity from her mother.  If her mother doesn’t provide that, then that child grows up to ‘smother’ her children.

If that ‘smothering’ mother has a child who is very independent, perhaps a dominant choleric personality, then that child will resent the ‘smothering’.  So when that child grows up, she will resolve to give her children more space.

And if that woman has a conscientious melancholy child, her mothering will not provide the support and sensitivity the child needs. So that child will resolve that she will be a different kind of mother.

And so on.  And so on.

It seems to me that we either mimic our mother’s styles or we become the exact opposite. 

How much better would it be if our mothering style matched our children’s personalities and emotional needs?  And not our own?

Here is a link to a free personality assessment tool for families.  The child assessment is meant for a child about 12 or older.  If your child is under 12, you can do it for them.  It will provide some great information about your particular child’s emotional needs, and give you clues about how to meet them. 

I also recommend the book, Personality Plus for Parents: Understanding What Makes Your Child Tick  by Florence Littauer.  It contains a profile that you can take to determine your personality and that of your child.  It also provides great tips and techniques for parenting your child, depending on the personalities of you and her. 

“What We Keep” made me think about my own mothering skills, or lack thereof.  I wish that I had known about personality theory when my kids were young.  But if you are a young parent, I hope that I can encourage you to parent your children according to their personality. 

Ginny, one of the daughters in “What We Keep” said, “For so many years, when I thought of my mother, I thought of her tortured looniness before she left us.  I thought of her callous disregard of our obvious needs.”  I hope Ginny will someday let go of those thoughts and forgive her mother.  Forgiveness is a major theme of this book, which I will blog about in my next post. 

What about you?  Have you mothered just like you were mothered?  Or have you done the opposite?  I would love to hear from you.

…because U count, debbie

who am i

“Who am I?”  Have you ever thought about this?  I used to think about this often.  Do you have a little voice in the back of your mind asking, “Just who are you?”  Over 100 million people ask Google that question every month.  Maybe Google doesn’t have the answer.  Maybe God does.

This is what God says about you.

“I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands.”

“You are the apple of my eye.”

“I hide you in the shadow of My wings.”

“I love you.”

If you ask Google who you are, you will get many answers.  Most of them may put the answer in material terms. 

You are pretty. 

You are ugly. 

You are skinny. 

You are fat. 

You are popular.

You are not.

But if you ask God, His answer is much more eternal than any of those definitions.

C.S. Lewis said, “You don’t HAVE a soul.  You ARE a soul.  And you HAVE a body.”

That puts it into perspective.  Our bodies, the material part of us, are programmed to self-destruct.  From the minute we are born, our cells begin to age and die.  No matter how hard we work to keep young, the process will not be stopped.

That should teach us something.

There is something more important than fashion and food and friends. 

The soul.

Here’s a good place to start.  Psalm 139 in the Bible is a love letter to God from a man who knew the answer to “Who am I?”  Maybe it will help you to know the answer too.

…because U count, debbie

big decision to make small choices

A long time ago I made a big decision; to make small choices.  Every day we are faced with choices, hundreds of small choices.  Your success in life is not based on the few really big decisions you make, but on the accumulation of hundreds and thousands of small choices. 

I was recently at the office of my doctor, Eduardo Garcia.  He is a great guy, always ready to teach and talk.  He looked back over my records for the past 10 years and was amazed.  “You weigh one pound less than you did 10 years ago”, he said.  “Do you know how rare that is?”

I do.  And I know the secret of my success.  Big decision to make small choices. 

In the recent economic crash, we ended up on our feet.  Many people we know didn’t do as well.  We knew people who lost their jobs along with my husband.  They didn’t know how they were going to make it through the next month.  We did.

Big decision to make small choices.

As students, we studied hard.  We each paid our own way through college, worked for a year, then paid our way through my graduate school degree (Bruce had a scholarship).   

Big decision to make small choices.

I wanted to become certified as a personality trainer.  I worked and saved and sacrificed.  Now I have that credential.  It took 2 years.

Big decision to make small choices.

Are you ready to make a big decision?  Will you take it one step at a time, making hundreds of small choices?

There is nothing special about us.  Anyone can do it.  It only takes the right mindset. 

My new goals group will be starting soon.  See my last blog for more details.  The group goes for 3 months, and includes a daily diary where you can record your small choices. 

I will provide a link for a personality assessment.  Then I will coach you through the process of accomplishing your goals, based on your personality style. 

Four goals, three months.  The first person to reply can join the group for free.

Big decision; make small choices.

…because U count, debbie

success with goals

Have you listened to motivational speakers talk about achieving goals?  Aren’t they exciting?  You walk out of the room just itching to get started on your goals. 

Most of the high achievers that become speakers share some personality traits.  They are “type A”, they are naturally motivated by power, authority, competition, winning and success.  We call them dominant cholerics.  They don’t work at achieving, it’s play for them.

And we get excited and motivated just by listening to these great speakers.

We scribble down notes on the speaker’s pamphlet and can’t wait to get started on our new goals.  We might even purchase an expensive program or book on our way out the door.

But somehow, the goals never materialize.  And pretty soon we either toss the pamphlet or put it away in a drawer somewhere. 

If this happens to you then you know one thing.  You are not driven by power, authority, competition, winning and success.  Your personality type does not match the speaker’s personality. 

Does that mean that you will never be successful at achieving goals?  NO!  It just means that you need to use different methods to set and achieve your goals. 

Methods that match your personal style.

You are not Zig Ziglar.  You are not Tony Robbins.  You are not John Maxwell, or Dr. Wayne Dyer, or Jack Canfield either.  You are you. 

There are over 16,000 goal setting books listed in Amazon.com.  Most have been written by dominant personalities for dominant personalities! 

Roughly 25% of the population are dominant cholerics.

That means that 75% of us fail to achieve goals because they were designed to make 25% of us successful!

I am not a dominant choleric.  I actually have the lowest score in dominance that anyone can have and still be alive.  But I achieve goals.  And I want to help you to achieve goals.

Contact me for more information.  Or visit my facebook page, I2A. 

…because U count, Debbie

P.S.   Why start a goals program in June?  Isn’t that something that we do in January?  Actually January is the worst month to start something that requires diligence.  We have the least amount of daylight in January, and it’s cold.  How motivated are you in January???  I want to hibernate, not motivate!

June has the highest number of daylight hours, and it’s warm. Perfect for fitness goals, and anything that requires energy and motivation from you.  So go for it!