Work Day Funnies

US Recession

wdf — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 01:55:46 +0000

The recession has hit everybody really hard…

My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck

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A new take on exercise..

wdf — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 01:23:55 +0000

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water . .. . And is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn’t run, barely walks & does nothing…yet lives for 450 years.

And the doc wants me to exercise!! HAAAAAAA!

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Irish Mirror

wdf — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 23:55:18 +0000

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life,an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. ‘How ’bout that!’ he exclaims, ‘Here’s a picture of me Fadder.’

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn’t like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin’, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror….

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, ‘So that’s the ugly cow he’s runnin’ around with.’

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Seniors texting codes

wdf — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 06:49:22 +0000

The kids have all their little codes…like BFF ( best friends forever ), LOL (laugh out loud), OMG (Oh my God) etc

So here are some codes for seniors:

ATD – At the Doctor’s
BFF – Best Friends Funeral
BTW – Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM – Covered by Medicare
CUATSC – See You at the Senior Center
DWI – Driving While Incontinent
FWBB – Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW – Forgot Where I Was
FYI – Found Your Insulin
GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA – Got Heartburn Again
HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO – Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL – Living on Lipitor
SDTM – Shout Dirty To Me
OMMR – On My Massage Recliner
OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL…CGU – Rolling on the Floor Laughing…Can’t get Up!
TTYL – Talk to You Louder
WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA – Wet the Furniture Again
WTP – Where’s the Prunes
WWNO – Walker Wheels Need Oil

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More Irish funnies

wdf — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 22:53:25 +0000

My mate’s missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,”Not bad, I’ve been using that powdered stuff.”
_____

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, “Is this your wife, sir?”
Shocked, I answered, ” Yes.”
They said, “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus.”
I said, “I know, but she has a lovely personality.”
_____

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, “Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it.”
The second picks it up & says, “You daft bastard it’s me!”
_____

Paddy’s in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see’s him hanging by his feet.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself,” Paddy replies.
“It should be round your neck,” says the guard.
“I tried that,” says Paddy, “but I couldn’t breathe.”
_____

Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it’s upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, “Why are you throwing them away?”
“Because they’re upside down,” says Paddy.
“You daft prat,” replies Murphy, “save ‘em for the ceiling!!”

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Irish Oil

wdf — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 22:53:08 +0000

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from
the Arabs and they’re going to drill for their own oil.

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Do you ever wake up in the wrong bed?

wdf — Fri, 27 May 2011 04:42:12 +0000

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They are finally together…

wdf — Mon, 23 May 2011 00:42:26 +0000

Gladys got married and had 13 children.

Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident.

12 years later Gladys again, remarried,…. and this time, she & John had 5 more children.

Gladys finally died, after having produced 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

“Lord, they are finally together.”

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret

“Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?”

Margaret replied:….

“I think he means her legs, Ethel…..”

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The tax system explained in beer

wdf — Mon, 16 May 2011 00:35:34 +0000

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that’s what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.” Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share? They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, “but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!”

“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “we didn’t get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!”

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important – they didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics
For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

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Cardiologist’s Funeral

wdf — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 01:46:36 +0000

A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life…

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.. When all eyes stared at him, he said, ‘I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral… I’m a gynaecologist.

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