I’m a little sick of how everybody on “The Office” ends up in a relationship with everybody else.  There have been some office relationships where I work, but they weren’t by any means romantic.  And whereas “The Office” will lead you to believe that heartthrobs like Jim and Pam hook up, in my experience, it’s been the other end of the spectrum (Like if Phyllis and Kevin got together).  There’s actually a husband and wife that work together in my office.  I can’t imagine ever being attracted to somebody who was in the same field as me.  If I was going to have an affair at work, it would have to be with the janitor.

Remember when you were little and your grandparents would come in to town, and take you to get pancakes and hot cocoa at a diner in the morning, even though it was a schoolday, and they’d take you to school late because somehow that was just an acceptable excuse?  That’s what jury duty is like.  I don’t know why anybody would ever want to get out of it.

Isn’t it funny how when you graduate high school, everytime you tell an adult what you want to do for a career, they tell you that things change and you probably won’t end up actually doing it, and then you tell them that you’re different and are sure you’re going to do it, and they give you a skeptical look, and then years later you find out they were right, and you start telling teenagers the same thing?

Well, The Grammys are approaching, and nothing makes my blood pressure shoot up every year like checking out who made the list of nominees.  Why is there any prestige attached to the Oscars, Grammys, or Emmys?  They’re voted on by people who have financial interest in the outcome!  What makes anyone think that any of this is based on anything but who’s shook hands with the most voters?

Equally awful, I’ll admit, is when snotty indie kids tell you who they think should be nominated for album of the year.  And so, without further ado, is my masturbatory list of the top five albums of 2007:

5.  New Moon by Elliot Smith – Any indie asshole is going to salivate over the thought of a posthumous album of unreleased Elliot Smith material (a double CD no less!).  This album plays like any other Elliot Smith album: not all the songs are great, but in the end, you don’t understand why anybody else even bothers trying to make music.  Try this track: Looking Over My Shoulder. 

4.   Wincing the Night Away by The Shins – Can you believe this album debuted at number 2 on the Billboard 200?  Despite Garden State’s attempt to make you throw up everytime you think of the Shins, this album has some great songs, and the truth is James Mercer could probably sing “Gimme More” and it would “change your life.”  Try this track: Sea legs.

3.   Poor Aim: Love Songs by The Blow.  So, this album was originally released in 2004, and K Records rereleased it in 2007 with some bonus remixes.  To be honest, the remixes aren’t really great, but the original album is so good that it made my list.  I really love Khaela Marichich’s voice, and the music is great too.  I always thought that if I was a girl, this is probably the kind of music I would make.  Try this track: Knowing The Things That I Know.

2.  Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga by Spoon – Spoon is so goddamn good.  Try this track: Don’t You Evah.

1.  Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer? by Of Montreal - Okay, so, some people think this album is silly or just really weird…The first time I listened to this album I was overwhelmed and exhausted by the sheer amount of stuff going on in the music.  I think everyone has a few times when an album comes out at just the perfect time in their life, and seems to have been written about them.  I had this album on a continuous loop throughout the first half of ’07, and analyzed every word and note.  This is one of those albums where you hear something new every time you listen to it.  I would hesitantly call it a concept album, following the journey of the protagonist through his depression and anxiety and subsequent transformation into a sexy and confident alter ego, ultimately ending in what could be interpreted as an inevitable defeat.  Along the way, there’s lush and amazing harmonies and “electroacoustic” music.  Try this track: Gronlandic Edit.

I know, I know…This was not really a “work-related” post.

A good friend of mine recently had a job interview during which she had to take a personality test.  For those of you that have never taken these ridiculous wastes of time, they consist of an interminable amount of self-contradicting statements that you must agree or disagree with, such as “In the past, drugs have gotten in the way of my job, but now I just do them on the weekends.”  So basically, there’s no way to answer this question without looking like a drug addict.

When my friend turned in her test, the person interviewing her told her he could already tell she failed, and that she should take it again.  Apparantly, the key to these tests is to answer in the extremes, and keep your answers away from the middle.
First of all, my friend is one of the most upstanding, moral, genuine people I know, and the fact that she failed is just a sign of the uselessness and inaccuracy of this test.  Second of all, if this test was really worthwhile, why would you ask someone to retake it?  It’s not like studying geography!  You’re trying to get a sense of what kind of person this is, right?
My final point about these, is that while this test is filled with ridiculous trick questions, nobody is stupid enough to agree with the statements like, “I am lazy and don’t enjoy working.”  Please, interviewers, stop using stupid pointless questions and tests to make your decisions!  Just talk to the person about normal stuff that they won’t exagerrate and give premeditated answers to!  Ask them what they did for New Years, or if they’ve seen any good movies lately.  You’ll learn much more than just asking them, “Why do you think you’d be a good fit for our company?” 

Have you ever heard of Johnson Carpets & Drapes Co?  Based in Chicago, this small company comprised of some of the pioneers of being lazy at work.

John Parvais:  The invention of the phone meant that workers could now “call in sick.”  With the help of his cousin, Arnold Parvais (of worker’s comp fraud fame), John Parvais developed modern methods for playing hookey, such as speaking in a hoarse voice when calling in sick.

William Wright:  Sometimes you need to take a break from your work, but where can you go?  This dilemma haunted William Wright for years, until he discovered that he could sit on the toilet for up to a half hour at a time and do crossword puzzles.  If his boss ever dared to ask, Wright had a lengthy and detailed explanation of chronic diarrhea ready.

Thomas Snide:  James Naismith invented basketball in 1891, and it did not take long for Thomas Snide to put the concept to good use.  A poor accountant, Snide often crumpled up error-ridden ledger sheets and tossed them into his waste basket.  As the company grew, Snide’s desk was moved farther away from the trashcan, resulting in a more demanding toss.  Snide developed a backboard and net, and Trashcan Basketball was born.

Work Is Boring honors the memory of the Johnson Carpets & Drapes Co. Innovators.