working mom in japan

2021-07-06T18:00:00.003-07:00

Today, I turned 45.

I just opened this blog for the first time since January 2018. It is not July 2021. WTF.

My initial purpose today was to start a new blog, but I still haven't figure out how to do that. Meanwhile, I looked at the tab 101 Dreams and am SHOCKED and MOVED by all the things I have accomplished since 2018 January or whenever I last crossed some stuff off that list. I will go back in there cross more stuff off.

I don't want my new blog to be public, but the purpose of the new blog was to help organize all the thoughts, ideas, tips, and plans for the Epic Roadtrip Adventures with Grandpa 2022. It is probably better if this is private though.

Perhaps I will come back to update this blog. Lots has happened since January 2018.

All Be Bakku!

What I want to say to my students...if I could.

2018-01-17T23:45:00.003-08:00

If there weren't a language and cultural barrier, and I could really get through to my students with these simple pieces of advice, here is what I would say to them:

It is possible to get an A or even an A+ in my class. Every semester, there are at least one or two students who get an A. In most classes, there are several A grades...believe it or not.

Coming to class and being on time are not optional. You would not be late for your part-time job. If you were, you'd get a warning, and then next time, you'd get fired. Classes are the same way. Every time you saunter in late, you are docked in points. It may come back to bite you at the end of the semester because those lost points add up.

Homework is not an option. It's a requirement. If I assign homework, it's because I actually expect you to complete it and then...wait for it...submit it. I am a softie. I will even except late work...to a point. I won't accept it AFTER my own grading deadline, but I will accept it up to our last class. Go ahead. Try me.

About this optional homework thing, let me remind you, it's not optional. You follow the instructions, you complete it, you submit it. You ask me or your classmates if you don't understand something. No excuses.

If you feel you are in danger of failing or getting a low grade, do whatever you can to increase your points in other ways. Attend classes. Submit all homework. Do well on your essays or presentations. Go over and above.

Don't act surprised when I approach you and ask you why you have not submitted that essay yet. You know the one. The one that was due 5 weeks ago. I know you have not written it yet. And, I hope you know that not turning in an essay for a writing class will cost you. A lot. Don't be surprised when you see your grades.

Asking questions is a positive thing. I won't think you're stupid. I won't feel like you are wasting my time. I became a teacher because I like people, especially young people. And, I like helping them. So, I will sit next to you and help you with whatever you need. You just have to ask. I cannot read your mind.

One more thing about asking questions. Curious students are students who care. Students who care about learning, about improving, about their grades are looked at with great awe by us teachers. We will commit ourselves to you.

Attending class alone is not enough. You also have to participate in the lesson, write stuff down, ask and answer questions, do homework, etc. That is called being a student.

I know this will surprise you, but there may be some students who were absent 4 times, yet they still managed to get an A or B in the class. It's because they fulfilled all other requirements for the class, and they did them well. (This is rare but it DOES happen.)

I think this will also surprise you. Some students attend every single class (or almost every class) and they can still only manage to get C or D. Why? Maybe they never handed in their homework. Maybe they were never ready to do their presentations, and then refused to do it when called upon. Maybe they were always playing video games on their phones and never seemed to know what was going on. Just because you are present does not mean you are actually learning anything in the class.

While it is true that you "get to have 4 freebie absences", it doesn't mean you should try to be absent 4 times. In fact, I would not recommend missing more than 1 or 2 classes. Coming to every class is, of course, going ensure you the get all the information you need to pass the class.

In the same vein, even if you miss a class, for whatever reason (sports, family issues, illness, skipping, etc.), you are still expected to submit homework, perform presentations, make arrangements for missed quizzes or tests, etc. Seriously. Don't just walk into the next class and say you didn't know about the today's presentation that was announced 3 weeks ago. Don't just forget about the test you missed. It will come back to bite you when I calculate your grades.

Missing all four of your freebie classes right at the beginning of the semester is probably not a good idea. Why? Because it is likely that some bad luck will come to you towards the end of the semester. You might actually become ill, a family emergency might come up...you just never know. Better to play it safe.

If you know you will be absent in the near future, don't hesitate to tell me. I will still mark you absent, but at least I won't be worried about you not knowing when the next quiz, presentation date or essay deadline is. I'll still expect you to do the work.

If you know you are running late, it's very courteous of you to email me and let me know. However, you're still late and you should have taken an early bus or train.

If being late is common for you, you should try to fix that. Take an earlier bus or train that day...every week...so you can get to my class on time. It's not rocket science!

I think of college students as adults. They don't need to be reminded about assignments and deadlines because they keep track of everything in a planner. They also keep their papers neatly in a file folder so they never lose things. It is not my job to chase after students and beg them to turn in assignments. So, if...at the end of the semester, you receive a low grade, it might be because you are the type of student who expected to be reminded several times a week.

That said, even when I have reminded certain students about their assignments, well-past the deadlines, they often smile sheepishly at me. They tell me that they "forgot it at home", or they "forgot all about it but will do it TONIGHT!" But usually nothing ever comes of these promises, so it's really not worth my time to chase after anyone. Students who want A's or B's will do the assignments, and they don't need reminding.

It is not hard to figure out what your teacher wants from you. Of course, every teacher is different, so it takes time to figure this out. Observe your teacher closely. What kinds of things does she praise students for? What is the purpose of her class? What can you do in this class to ensure an A or a B? Once you figure this out, you should be able to follow through with it. If you remain confused, you probably haven't been listening or watching closely enough. (Yes, stop staring at your phone.)

Finally, teachers are human too. They like to be thanked for their hard work. They like to feel somewhat appreciated. If a teacher hands back your homework to you, say thank you. She probably stays up late every night scoring loads of homework for all her students...and she still manages to get to work on time.

So, if you ever wondered how to be a student, these guidelines should help. If you really think about it, being a good student is not that hard. It all comes down to showing that you care about learning, and that you want to learn more. If that means showing up for class on time, asking and answering questions, writing some stuff down on paper, handing it in to your teacher, among other things, then just do it. Pretty soon you will be in the real world and you will long for your student days when life was so simple.

OLW Wrap-up for 2017

2018-01-03T00:31:00.002-08:00

My One Little Word for 2017 was "Heart". I needed more LOVE in my life, whether that meant caring for my family, self-care, passion for reading and other hobbies...HEART can encompass a variety of meanings.

For me, heart came after a culmination of past words, such as nurture, simplify, and breathe. Self-care and making time for it is a big issue for me, as is being present for my children and making sure I give them the love they need and deserve. Often I find myself wrapped up in household management, work or volunteer projects and then don't have enough patience left over for them or myself, and that motherly kindness (and self-kindness) just goes right out the window. I also have issues with frustration and anger, and at times go through periods of darkness and hopelessness. It often happens around my very busy times (mid-semester, for example!), and the only way to dig myself out of it is to just keep moving forward through my to-do lists, daily, not giving up until the deadlines have passed. It's not like I can just quit my job or my life.

The HEART-related sayings are not part of Ali's class, though they were at one time. I continue to make pages like this, and I always hang the page up in my kitchen so I can see it every time I am preparing snacks or meals, cleaning up, etc. It's a daily reminder of my OLW.
In order to have some daily reminders, I made a kind of logo of my word and used it as my background photo for my Facebook page. This is important because I use FB a lot. I also had a couple postcard versions printed up so I could keep them up around the house.
One more thing, I asked Erinn at Off on a Whim to create a key chain with the theme colors using power stones and a metal pendant with “Heart 2017” stamped on it. You can see it in the photo below. I wasn’t sure what to do with this keychain, but I ended up hanging it by my calendar in the kitchen. I intend to have her make more, one for each year of OLW, and then maybe keep them together on one chain somewhere.

February
One task in February was to choose three action steps and try make them in to habits. I did okay, but later in the year, I found an app called Habitat, and this has helped me keep better track of my goals rather than doing them on paper. We also had to fill out this form about how we feel regarding our word so far.

March
For the past few years, an early assignment takes on a collage format, using old magazines. It’s hard to stop at just one collage, and this time, I made several to cover the various aspects of HEART. I liked how they turned out. I didn’t have a lot of space to display these 8.5x11” collages at home, so I scanned them and put the collages themselves into 2 digital collages. I used these collages as my background image for my iPhone. I also printed color copies and hung them by my desk at work. Daily reminders really do help.

Action Steps and Reflection
At the beginning of each month, we are supposed to write down some action steps or goals for the month, and then reflect on the month at the end. I’ve never been good at doing this before but I made a special effort to do so this year, at least for the first 9 months. I did find that it helped. Even just expressing a few goals for each month helped to keep me on track.

April
April's assignment had something to do with taping up Post-it notes around the house to remind me of my word. I still find these post-it notes around the house. I did not make a layout to go with this month.

May
Making photo collages out of the photos in my collection that have arrived there somehow, either from my camera, phone, my husband's phone, etc. are a great way to see how my OLW is playing a part in my life, however big or small.

June
In June, we had to fill out another form about how the OLW was going so far. By mid-semester, I start to find less time for my own personal life as I am bogged down at work. Frustration starts to fester.

July
July was a really dark month for me. I was feeling so down that I just wanted to sleep whenever I had the chance...which, unfortunately was not often enough. It’s a busy time of the semester with three family birthdays, planning for the trip to the USA, final projects in classes, grades, etc. It sometimes leaves me so bitter and irritated. I dreaded doing this “creative” type of layout as my tank was empty, but when I finally sat down to do it, I felt it was good therapy for me. Making good choices on a daily basis, even if I don’t always get it right, and focusing on the good things in my life were two ways I could start to see my way out of the darkness.

August
August is a halfway point for OLW, so it’s a good opportunity to reflect on what you’re struggle with, what you can celebrate, and how you feel right now in your journey. Anyone who has made it this far with their word will feel very proud to have made at least a little progress. In the thick of it and while visiting the USA, my homeland, I was coming to realize that patience was a big part of having HEART. Also, love and friendships were what would carry me through to the end, even when my parents can no longer be there for me. And finally, that self-care is ever-important.

September
This was a good chance to reflect back on the summer break and consider some discoveries I had made. I shouldn’t feel guilty about needing time to rest my brain or my body. Taking a much-needed nap on the weekend, or getting in some no-brainer TV time at night - these rewards were well-deserved. I also noticed how much I enjoy cooking for my family, as that is one way to show my love for them. It’s not always about cooking healthy for myself or providing the easiest meal I can muster, but about making things we like and enjoying the time together.

October
There is often one assignment related to music and lyrics, which I really like. Usually, throughout the first six months of the year, I compile an album of songs that stand out to me. They don't have to use my OLW or be about my OLW, but they just have to be songs that speak to me for some reason. When I do the assignment, I take a look at the lyrics and try to figure out why I like the song so much. Usually there is something related to my word in there.

November
A letter to myself. It turned out to be long. There were a lot of things I wanted to remind myself of, especially since I didn't feel like that HEART was that great of a word for me. Maybe in the end, it was a perfect word to help me get through what I needed to get through this year.

December
It's always good to go over the reality of the year (what did happen and what did not happen) and how you feel about it. In the end, I felt okay with my OLW, made my peace with it, and was ready to say goodbye as I welcomed in my new OLW for 2018.

Last Actions and Reflections of the year

Most of the pages in this album were completed using Photoshop Elements, and the following digital kits, all which can be purchased at Sweet Shoppe Designs:

A Beautiful Mess - Crimson by Libby Pritchett

A Beautiful Mess - Razzmatazz by Libby Pritchett

Splendiferous by Libby Pritchett

All class-related materials and digital products are from Ali Edwards. The digital kit can be purchased in her shop. Her online class is a live class that starts in January each year. This is my 7th year of being part of this wonderful community.

Project Life Update / Work/Life Balance Update

2015-04-16T07:50:00.002-07:00

After spending 2 1/2 months, mainly at home, chipping away at my long to-do list, which included work projects, family obligations, home organization, and lastly hobbies, I FINALLY got around to working on Project Life 2014 in the very last week of spring vacation. During this final week of vacation, I was also in throes of lesson planning, but by taking my laptop to bed with me, I was able to slog my way through it. The album was printed by Blurb and is likely already at my mom's house. I told her she could read through it first before sending it to me, as is our annual tradition. This year's book was 140 pages, but the price turned out to be the same as past year's books, so I am assuming that all my PL albums have come to about 140 pages. Now to catch up on 2015's pages so that I don't fall behind and live to regret it again.

Here is the link for my 2014 Project Life. You can see some of the pages here.

In March, I decided to quit Central Fitness Yogapis (I know, much like Calpis, this name is hilarious!) and take on a membership at Lava Yoga, which is a chain and has studios all over Japan. They are open daily, have a more flexible schedule, shower facilities, and a variety of classes. You don't have to commit to the same time/day every week like CF. I thought I was being so smart when I located a studio two blocks away from my campus in Tokyo. I decided that since I am free on Tuesday mornings, I would take their 9:30 class, shower, dress and prepare for work at the studio and be at campus in plenty of time to eat lunch and attend my shift at the English Lounge.

This was a great plan before classes started. After two weeks of this though, I realize it is not such a good plan. I have 1st period on Wednesdays, so two days in a row, I have to take a 7:30 train. Get Luka to daycare by 7:00. Carry a heavy gym bag to and fro on Tuesdays, my obento on both days, along with my regular backpack. I am limited to this Tue 9:30 class because of my work schedule also. It seems illogical now that I think about it. Lava has a studio in Inage, right by the station. I can drive there or even take a bus. Or just ride my bike. Or walk. It's not my regular station, but my condo is located halfway between my regular station and Inage station. Lava is open on Mondays, my work- at-home day. I can go on weekends, or even other days, like Tue mornings or Thursday afternoons, if I want to. WTF was I thinking? So, I've decided to try and switch studios. We'll see if Japan allows this or not.

Classes are going well. Better than I thought, but I still struggle to make time to plan and coordinate all the different classes. Mondays are for Tue/Wed classes. Thursdays are for Friday classes. Luckily, one of my colleagues made the first unit handouts of my N2 class (Thursday's class) but that won't happen every time. I was making a Power Point slide show for my Friday morning lecture morning...during dinner last night. So, I'm not always able to compartmentalize my life. The Widgets book is harder for my sophomores than I thought it would be. But it would help if they had the textbook! Apparently, it's still not available at the university bookstore. Marathon Mouth is perhaps easier but in a welcoming way and I'm enjoying this style of class with my re-takers. N2 is delightful and we laugh a lot during our classes. K7 and K8 are brilliant and enthusiastic, and so far, I am quite impressed by them. Stretch for my sophomore English majors is going well now that I have a plan of attack. Oyo Writing for my juniors and seniors may be my biggest challenge as I had more students than I expected on the first day, but we'll see what happens tomorrow because not everyone will actually register for the class. I think I can do this for 13 1/2 more weeks.

Project Life 2014

2015-03-19T03:50:00.001-07:00

Project Life is not going to so well this year. I had planned to keep up each month as that is my dream goal every year, but I didn't even touch it until August last year. Doing 6 months of lay outs in such a short amount of time was nearly impossible. I never got back to it until winter break, but since I was quite busy during winter, I only made it as far as the end of July. I figured that I would have plenty of time during spring vacation to do more, but that didn't really pan out.

Finally, last weekend, I spent the night at Louise's with the intention that I would plow through the second half of 2014. I made it to the end of September. This is really not the way Project Life is supposed to be! It is frustrating. The last two years, I was finished before mid-February! What is my excuse this time?

Since returning from Louise's house, I have been more motivated and have been taking my laptop to bed with me. Instead of reading before sleepy time, I am scrapbooking a few pages before nodding off. This seems to help. I am now working on December pages.

This is only the first step of power scrapbooking though. Once all the photos and journaling are in place, I will have to go back through each lay out and put in the digital papers and elements. This shouldn't be too challenging since I have chosen two kits to use for the whole album. (Last year, I used a different kit for each month, and that took a lot of time and memory!)

Today is March 19. Can I really finish by the end of March? Is that a dare?

One Little Word 2015: Nurture (February)

2015-03-05T19:35:00.000-08:00

This is my vision board collage for February's assignment in Ali Edwards One Little Word class.

I collected images from magazines that I had lying around the house, but I had bought one Brit Women's magazine and a foodie magazine for just such this occasion.

I found that images of nature inspire the word "Nurture" for me, and I wondered if perhaps I need to get outside more. I like nature, but more than that, I like to get my work done, so I stay inside a lot using the computer, reading books and other materials, keeping up with housework, etc. What is that all about? That is NOT nurturing anything really!

So, I tried to think about my five best and most vivid memories from my childhood:
1. Playing on my tree swing
2. Swimming at the lake
3. Walking/skiing in our woods
4. Riding my bike
5. Girl scout camp

And, then I tried to think about my five best and most vivid memories from my 20s.
1. Skiing in the moonlight
2. Long, long walks at night
3. Riding my bike
4. Road trips with friends
5. Long drives into the countryside

And, now. What? I have barely been outdoors this entire spring vacation, and I am now entering my third and last month of vacation. Granted, I have tons of work to do, and I had several kid-related and volunteer projects on my plate, but one thing is clear.

I was really good at nurturing myself when I was younger. I knew what I needed and I allowed myself to take breaks. I allowed myself to enjoy the outdoors alone and in the company of others.

So, yes, while I may be a scaredy-cat about traveling to other countries, and even if I wasn't, I have to save all our money to go to Wisconsin every year, I can still make an effort to enjoy nature locally.

Other nurture-related issues that come up on my vision board relate to nurturing my family and nurturing my own body.

First, my family. I think I should win "Super Mom of the Year" award for all that I did for Ailin during the month of February. First, I cancelled two sets of plans (one was to travel to Sendai for an AFWJ Convention and the other to travel for a Cambodia for a teachers' conference) so that I could stay here and support her through a big dance event. Second, I spent basically the whole month, getting her ready for it - taking her to extra dance practices, re-making two costumes for her, buying stuff for her accessories, listening to that god-awful music over and over. Oh, it wasn't so god-awful, but let's just say it was a mix of 10 different songs and it was long, loud and repetitive. But, we did it. She enjoyed the big day, and she looked good, and she wrote me a few thank you letters this week - the heartfelt kind that took a long time to write and color. Oh, and did I mention that I hosted a birthday party for her? For the first time in five years? I am a brave and nurturing soul!

Ailin was in the "Fine Day" Group.

The costume for the ending number.

The Fine Day Group. Ailin is back center on right.

The ending number. Ailin is on right in the back. Very hard to see her here though.

Birthday party for several of her classmates

Second, my own body. I took up yoga (hot yoga) in January to see if I would like it. Luckily, I did like it and have decided to continue with it. The teacher made two yoga CDs for me because I commented on how great her choice of music is, and listening to those CDs helps me relax a lot. Unfortunately, due to my class schedule and commute, I will have to find a different studio. There is a hot yoga studio about one block from my campus in Tokyo, so I may decide to go there from April.

Three major areas of my life appeared in my vision board. Nature, which needs some work. Family, which went well and now I need to keep the momentum going. And my own body, which is still a work in progress but at least I have found something that is not only good for my body but also for my mind.

Week One and Two on Whole 30

2015-02-12T19:52:00.001-08:00

You may be wondering how I survived two whole weeks without four of our major "food groups": Sugar, Legumes, Grains and Dairy.

A Sunday lunch for the family. They got Cheese/Meat Doria while I got just the meat part with an egg baked on top.

First, the good parts.
I learned some great new recipes. I even made mayonnaise (a little challenging) and pesto (super easy). I also made salsa that I can use for some meat/fish dishes later. Today, I am planning to make a cucumber salad. Yesterday, I made chocolate chili, which was a big hit. The day before, I made three garlic-based dishes, which everyone loved. Even Y is loving all of these new dishes and he eats his share when he returns home from work.


Garlic-based dishes that the whole family can enjoy.

Homemade mayonnaise using Olive Oil

I read up on the rule about omitting legumes, including soybeans, because my husband was so concerned about it. I found out that soybeans, in their fermented form, are totally okay, and like Kimuchi and other fermented foods, are quite nutritious. So, soy sauce, miso and natto are fine, and Japanese people typically eat these daily but in very small quantities. Unfortunately, tofu, fried tofu, and other tofu products are not okay.

I did just fine with skipping the white carbs (rice and pasta) at meals and felt filled up with my meat/seafood and veggies. The kids still got to eat rice and pasta, but they also tended to eat more veggies...because they were there.

I found some easy recipes. I used the pesto for marinating chicken and later for a fish dish, so I found the pesto be very versatile.

A typical lunch for me at home. Pesto-topped scallops, some bits of marinated steak, nice big salad.

I tried the cauliflower (mashed potato form), and it was easy to make, tasted good and even the kids liked it. I have tried some other veggies, such as that cauli/broccoli high bred that has a nice, nutty taste.

Ground meat sauteed with mushrooms, basil and onions with a side of mashed cauliflower.

I experimented with making coffee at home, using coconut milk and some flavored extracts. Sometimes I was successful, sometimes not. But, it was fun to experiment.

When I went out to cafes to meet up with friends, I managed to avoid the heavy mocha cafes, and made do with a coconut milk steamer at one place and an oolong tea at another place.

I felt more energetic. I thought I could do more and accomplish more in one day. The only time I felt truly relaxed was when I attended my weekly yoga class. This was not such a good thing. One hour per week is not enough relaxation time!

Now, the bad parts.

Have you ever drank coconut milk straight? No? Okay, have you ever put it in coffee? Yeah, I thought so. It takes getting used to. Even one of my friends grimaced when I told her I had resorted to putting coconut milk in my coffee.

My emotions began to get the better of me too. Because I was not numbing myself with sugar and carbs every time I felt any kind of stress (or anger, sadness, frustration...), I was feeling every emotion very intensely. This was really hard on me, and I felt like I was going through withdrawal. After the first week, this started to go away, and I began to feel more positive in general. In the end, I found that coming to terms with my emotions and understanding where they were coming from, and also talking it out with friends really helped.

The one thing I could not give up was chocolate, so I resorted to 72% cacao, which is satisfying enough, but watch out...slippery slope there!

And the dairy...I knew that it would be hard to give up dairy, but I have been able to avoid cheese, yogurt and other dairy products. The main issue is that I still want milk in my coffee. So, I have been putting a couple tablespoons of hot milk, a few table spoons of hot coconut milk, and then hot water. This combination is WAY better than my old combination, which was more like 2 cups of milk each time.

There are times, when out and about, that it is really hard to avoid these four food groups. Last weekend, I went on a women's retreat, and somehow, I was able to stay on my diet while there. I was very proud of myself. We even went to a nice restaurant on the way home, and I had German style hamburg...no carbs, lots of veggies. But, the next day, I had to take Ailin to a dance practice from about noon to 8pm. I didn't have a chance to eat lunch before leaving, and the timing of the practice sessions meant that I couldn't nip off and get something to eat right away. I couldn't eat lunch until 3:30pm. By that time, I thought I would die, but the choices were really limited. So, I ended up getting a KFC chicken burger. KFC is my least favorite restaurant on the planet, but that's how limited my choices were. Then, I topped it off with a donut from Mr Donuts. Call it stress combined with extreme hunger. I should have brought some snacks along at least.

This weekend is Ailin's birthday, she requested me to make Italian dishes for both her family party and her friend party. I haven't decided what to do for the family party yet ... should I sit down and eat with them, or should I make some alternative dishes for myself? I will likely just eat smaller portions and focus more on the veggies. For the friends party, it will be easy to avoid eating with them because I know I'll be busy hosting the party.

Paleo Starts on February 1st

2015-01-29T19:47:00.002-08:00

Originally published on 1/31; Updated on 2/1

Wow, this is exciting. I got to the point in the book "It Starts with Food" where I am ready to choose a start date and get my kitchen ready. I also called a family meeting for tomorrow morning so that I can "break" the news to my husband and kids. My kids already seem to be sensing something is up because of the exceptionally healthy meals we have been eating the past two weeks, but I'm about to take it up a level.

Family Meeting
I think that by telling my husband that I am trying to get clean so that I can figure out why I have psoriasis (an auto-immune condition that started a couple years after moving to Japan) and why I have such a hard time losing weight, he might get on the same page. Luckily for him, he rarely eats meals with us during the week...though recently he has been asking me to set some food aside for him to eat when he gets home.

I can almost predict what he will say:

Y did indeed ask all of these questions and made a lot of know-it-all comments. These are the things I have to listen to from the person I am sharing my life with.

Make sure the kids are still getting rice and miso, tofu and other important, nutritious food even if you can't eat it yourself.

Uh huh.

He understood about rice, bread and pasta because he is aware of the low-carb/no-carb diets that are out there, but he doesn't have a clue that they might be unhealthy for people in general, even for people who are not trying to control their weight.
And of course, he commented that I still need to feed all this stuff to the kids on a daily basis. I wanted to laugh, not only because I predicted it, but this because this is the guy that always insisted on eating WHITE rice, thick WHITE bread, and WHITE pasta because whole-grain stuff tastes gross.
Still, my job is not to insist on anything but to just take care of myself. If he and the kids want all that stuff, I am happy to make and serve it to them, but it annoys me that he seems to feel that MY EFFORTS to eat healthier impede so much on HIS EFFORTS to NEVER EVER CHANGE ANYTHING AND STILL ACT LIKE AN IGNORANT, NAIVE CHILD.

Are you sure you have to go this far?

Uh huh.

Again, he admonished me having to go to extremes, and suggested that just by cutting out my morning mochas (which were mostly skim milk!) and by exercising more, I would have seen a big difference in my weight.

Now, I did begin the explanation by saying this wasn't just about weight, it was also about my other health issues, issues we have been dealing with for years but with no relief. But still, he says, "I have always been saying this. Stop drinking those mocha coffees and get out and exercise more." Yes, so easy, isn't it?

Don't you think you should just exercise?

Yes, of course, and I am exercising.

Coming from someone who mostly sits on the couch, eating junk food and watching TV, I think it's ironic that his advice is so simple. However, he does often remark that UNLIKE HIM, I rarely veg out on the couch surrounded by bags and boxes of junkfood, and that in general, I seem to eat quite healthy, but that I don't move my body enough. Well, I have tried this route (and I still am trying), but not much progress gets made.

Does this mean no more going out to eat?

That depends on where you want to go.

Yes, he did whine about this. He even said that I should have considered the family when I decided to go on such a restrictive diet because now how/when/where will we go out to eat. I told him that it would depend on the place. Restaurants that serve fast food or instant food are out of the question, but there are some restaurants that serve dishes made from scratch, and as long as there is a nice salad bar and I can avoid the pasta/rice/bread that often gets served with the meal, it would be fine! To be honest, I didn't get that far in my explanation because I was already so frustrated with his attitude.

What about Ailin's birthday parties in February?

Her birthday party is the perfect chance for me to test out my skills at not succumbing to peer pressure. It also gives me a chance to discuss with her which types of foods she should NOT request for her birthday dinner because if she chooses, for example, LASAGNA, Mama won't be able to eat it with the family. I am steering her towards choices that are acceptable or that I can pick around.

He did not ask about this specifically.

Finally, what about tofu? It is SO HEALTHY?

Well, actually, it's not. I'm supposed to stay away from all soy products because apparently they cause a lot of problems, and they very well could be the explanation of my psoriasis issues developing AFTER moving to Japan. This is something I need to test out and make sure of.

But seriously, imagine all the various forms of soy beans that we eat in Japan!!! This will be the most difficult thing to avoid/explain/deal with!

He was most shocked and incredulous about the notion that I have to cut soy products out of my diet, even if it's only for one month. He insisted that Japanese food is so healthy and Japanese people are healthy, so obviously any soy products (miso, soy sauce, tofu, edamame, etc.) are extremely healthy, and I shouldn't eliminate it from my diet.

He also commented that I should stay away from MEAT, EGGS, and OILS. I told him all these were fine but that I needed to be careful about where it comes from, what type of oil, etc. Then, he said, no, you should just eat FISH. Well, of course, I would include fish and seafood in the diet, but not only fish, every single day.

I can see he is confused, and even going to AEON soon after to go shopping, he insisted on buying margarine, and I said, we have plenty of butter at home, so why buy margarine. He insisted that margarine was healthier and then he ran back to the other side of the store, supposedly to pick up some margarine, but I didn't see it in the basket when I paid for the groceries, so I am not sure if he changed his mind.

Later on the way home, he seemed to sense my obvious frustration. He said, "I bet you wish you had married a cooler guy, but YOU married me and this is what you got!" I replied, "No, I wish you were smarter and read books and kept up to date on new research so that I don't have to argue with you about such stupid things. Your information comes from very old ways of thinking." He then insisted that he is smart.

Well, good luck to me this month.

Shopping
Today, I put together a grocery list for AEON to restock my cupboards with items that I can buy easily and will be useful in our menus from now on. I also put in an order at iHerb to get some organic items that are not available at AEON.

If anyone would like to shop at iHerb, use this discount code. They ship to Japan fairly cheaply.

http://www.iherb.com?rcode=SPL049

Here is my iHerb order in case you are curious. Lots of coconut products. The chocolate bars are for a friend as I plan to send her a care package next week.

Wish me luck!

Resources that I am using include the following three books:

It Starts with Food

Well Fed

Nom Nom Paleo Food for Humans

And the following web site:

Whole 30

One Little Word for 2015: Nurture (January)

2015-01-25T21:43:00.000-08:00

As part of January's OLW assignment, we need to explore our word by looking up the various definitions, synonyms, nuances, etc., and we also look for some quotes that speak to us, whether they actually make use of the word or not.

Before I chose the word "nurture", I had actually been contemplating the word "care", but soon realized that "care" carries with it a heavy, sometimes negative, load, such as "careless" or "suffering of the mind", which essentially means caring too much about something. I didn't want to a word that carries these connotations for an entire year.

In the end, "nurture" seemed like a right fit, especially when I decided that nurturing my body would be a priority this year. That is why I used "Nurture Your Body" twice in the above lay out. This lay out conveys the aspects of my life that I want to improve upon this year. I think these phrases go well with the intentions I have set (on a separate worksheet), but they are easy to remember. If done this way, you can spend one or two months focusing on each one, or you can mix and match, spending as long or as little time as they need.

I will hang this lay out up on the bulletin board in my kitchen so that I can see it every day as a reminder. It also helps to use it, and the other lay outs, as desktop backgrounds or screen savers.

Finally, we were asked to reflect on how we are currently successful with our word (I find this to be difficult to do!), our fears, what we want more of and less of, and why we are excited about what this word might bring into our lives.

I added a photo of me and Baymax because to me, Baymax represents the perfect nurturing soul, who has some faults. He cared so much about others' well-being that he sacrificed himself. (Oh my, did I just make an accidental religious reference here?) However, as a mom, wife, friend, teacher, and colleague - I have to take care NOT to sacrifice myself too much. I have every right to nurture my own soul (and body) back to health. I have to remember to nurture others (like Baymax) but to also nurture myself.

Note on the digital kit used here: A Beautiful Mess (Turquoise) by Libby Prichett of Sweet Shoppe Designs.

Going Paleo

2015-01-19T22:26:00.000-08:00

Me, circa 2006

Me, circa 2015

I have struggled with my weight for years, but it wasn't until 2 1/2 years ago that things came to a head. A strange shadow found on my annual chest x-ray, as part of my health check for work, lead the doctors to notify my school. The vice-principals sat me down to have a serious chat about this shadow, and they advised me to see my doctor as soon as possible. At that time, I didn't have a regular doctor that I was seeing, so my first chore (after totally freaking out and crying on the phone to my husband) was to find one. An old friend recommended her doctor, not because he was this great specialist in chest x-ray shadows, but because he was a caring man who even spoke a little English. She offered to go with me for my first appointment.

One more chest x-ray, electrocardiograph, blood work, with an MRI at a nearby large hospital later, the doctor sat me down to inform me the "shadow" in lower region of my chest, just below my heart, was a Morgagni Hernia. A small opening in the center of my diaphragm had allowed a blub of fat to move up into my chest cavity. This triangle-shaped fat mass, about 4 cm in size, was taking up space in my chest cavity, which should be empty and reserved for expanded lungs. It sits just above my diaphragm and below my heart.

He advised me to lose weight pronto, 25 kg (that's about 60 pounds) by Xmas. It was only September.

For about 1 1/2 years, I worked hard to lose the weight. I joined a gym, paid through the nose for a personal trainer, started taking long-ass walks on the weekends, and began cooking low-carb meals. When these things didn't work and I ran out of money to pay the personal trainer, I decided to start a more aggressive diet using Vemma products. This involved an iPhone app, daily menus and reminders to eat, an exercise program (which I didn't use at all but instead just kept walking), morning smoothie powder mixes, and an energy drink for mid-afternoon snacks. When I ran out of money to import the energy drinks, which were heavy and expensive when shipping and duty taxes were figured in, and when I admitted to myself that I hated the taste of the energy drinks, I gave that up too. But I liked the idea of smoothies, so I bought a smoothie cookbook and started making them for breakfast and dinners. Then, I got sick with some kind of horrible virus that took over my body for 4 days. After I recovered and could eat normal food again, I never went back to the smoothie regimen. But at this point, I was down 10 kg (about 22 pounds). For the next few months, I did nothing but watch the weight slowly creep back on.

So, you can see the pattern here. I try something full-force. I realize later that it's expensive and difficult to maintain. The results are very slow. (10 kg in one year is not all that motivating to someone who is meant to lose 25 kg.)

I am not going to go into my all my excuses, but I will list some reasons why I may have failed time and time again.

I was keeping it a secret. People knew about my hernia issues, but they did not know about my methods for losing weight. I was ashamed about my chosen methods and so kept them quiet and hidden, even from my husband.

It was expensive. Expensive, imported energy drinks, personal trainers, expensive health clubs - it was hard to maintain it all for such a long time.

Weekends Vs. Weekdays was a huge issue. I could do very well on week days when I cooked our meals, but my good behavior would also go to hell in a hand-basket on the weekends when my husband was in charge of cooking and shopping. I had a hard time explaining to him that his wonderful family meals were doing me no favors. We often eat Japanese family-style on the weekends, which means a big pot of something is placed on table and as it cooks, we eat it. We used tiny plates and add the ingredients to the pot or teppan, cook it, and eat until the food is gone. Examples are nabe, sukiyaki, shabu shabu, yaki niku - you get the idea. He sometimes made stews, such as curry or cream stew. Wonderful and amazing way to share family meals, but the problem is you never know HOW MUCH you are eating. It's rather difficult to control your portions, and Y was always encouraging us to not waste the food, there would be no leftovers, just eat up til it's gone. This is quite normal for a Japanese family (I think!). A couple weekends a month, Y would opt to eat out instead or he would arrange for us to have dinner at his parents' house. In this case, the cooking the meal on the table was also the norm, but add in the fact that his mom always laid out several other side dishes to go with the main entree, and again, we were encouraged to eat, eat, eat. Every Monday morning, I started at ZERO and it got so frustrating that I lost motivation quickly.

Peer pressure does me no good. Because I kept my weight loss issues a secret, I couldn't just belt out, "I don't want to go out to lunch with you because I can't control myself!", so I would just keep quiet and go out with my friends and have a good time...and eat and eat and eat.

Trapped at home. As a mother of two small children who is working full time and doing all the evening care by herself because her salaryman husband returns home so late, I couldn't just pop out for a walk or a jog after dinner. I have heard of Japanese housewives leaving the house after dinner to pop into an aerobics class or whatever, but I couldn't do that. Perhaps their husbands came home by 6pm and were willing to help with the kids. Anyway, once we got home from daycare/school pick-ups and after-school lessons, I was basically trapped there until the next morning. This is still the case, by the way.

I am sure there are more, deep-seeded reasons, but these are the basic issues I have had over the past few years.

Last year, in 2014, I decided to ignore my weight issues. At the beginning of 2014, I discovered that my lifestyle was in for some big changes due to a job change. This was great news, and I assumed that somehow the weight would fall of me because I had always blamed my job and related stress to my weight gain. (Of course, it really was because of two pregnancies and 3 years of grad school within a 6-year period in addition to my job!)

This period of non-action didn't help. In fact, it made things worse. As the weight piled back on, I became more hopeless and less empathetic about my health issues. My M. hernia was being unjustly ignored. It's not that I was out partying and eating copious amounts of food, but I certainly didn't make any efforts to exercise or improve my eating habits.

In late fall, M. hernia began to rear his ugly fathead again. I was starting to feel that something was not quite right in my chest cavity. Something was in there. Was it getting bigger? Had it broken apart and was floating around my chest? I started to get scared, but I didn't tell anyone.

Instead, what I said was this:
I am not feeling good today.
I just need to go home and rest.
Just let me lie here for a little while. I need to rest.

And that is very unlike me.

But, even lying down didn't help much because I felt a strange discomfort in my chest cavity. So I really began to wonder what M. hernia was doing. And, then I remembered that I was supposed to see my doctor some time in 2014 to have my blood checked again. Last time, he had threatened to put me on statin medication if my cholesterol levels didn't improve by July. I was happy to report that at my annual health check in September, my cholesterol levels were indeed in the normal range, so no need to go back to him right? Wrong! M. hernia wanted some attention and he was gonna cause trouble until he got it.

So, in January, I decided my word for the year would be NURTURE. It's a great word to help me nurture my body back to health, and in choosing that word, and I needed to face my reasons for doing so.

But, choosing this word carried a a lot of weight.
Did I really want to take care of myself again?
Could I really make time for such a thing?

For the first three months of year, I am mainly working from home and keeping my own schedule, so I felt that if I was going to tackle my weight issues, NOW IS THE TIME.

First, I decided to take up yoga, which was something I always wanted to do. I signed up for weekly classes and took my first class last Thursday (and loved it!). But, I am not doing yoga to lose weight. What I needed was something to help me center myself, relieve stress, work on flexibility and get more confident about using my body again.

Second, a good friend recommended using Jillian Michaels DVDs to work out at home. I have been a fan of JM for a while, but I had never tried her DVDs. I got an easy one (the kind for people who have not been very active in a while), and I started the daily 20-min workouts. (Loving it.)

Here is where PALEO comes in. I have read several books about food and nutrition over the years. Some of these books mentioned Paleo. Last week, I saw a post on one of my Facebook groups about skin issues, and I asked another commenter for more information after she said she had found a way to resolve all her skin issues. I, myself, have psoriasis and have been suffering for the past 10 years, so I wondered if her "way" could help me, so I asked her to message me and tell me all about it. Turns out she was talking about Paleo. We chatted for a while, and she recommended a book and some cookbooks. I decided to read more about it.

So, here I am, partway into the Paleo book and wondering if I can do the Whole 30 thing and then see if there are improvements with my psoriasis and my weight. Haven't started yet because I'd like to finish the book, but the excitement is growing.

Finally, what happened with M. hernia? Over the weekend, I decided that the most important issue needed to be dealt with - HONESTY. Though my husband knew about my struggles and he knew about M. hernia, he barely gave it a second thought after the initial scary diagnosis. I called him into the bedroom for a private talk, and I cried as I told him how scared I was and how I needed help and support, and that I needed to see the doctor again but was afraid to go alone. He agreed to go with me.

M. hernia is not getting bigger, nor is he breaking apart and swimming all over my chest cavity, but he is still there. The discomfort I feel is because my diaphragm moves up every time I breathe, and M. hernia is kind of in the way. The only way to get rid of M. hernia is to lose weight, and after examining all my numbers, he said, "You need to lose 37 kg," and then he laughed quietly to himself, probably because he knows how damn hard that is.

So, here is the 80-pound overweight me looking at old photos of myself BEFORE KIDS and BEFORE GRAD SCHOOL wondering if I can do it this time.

M. hernia, I can beat you.

You are no match for the likes of me.

Reflection on 2014 One Little Word: Simplify

2015-01-15T21:57:00.000-08:00

When I first chose my word, late in 2013, I was in the midst of an overwhelming state of, well, being overwhelmed by life. In short, I was kind of depressed. I had graduated with a Masters degree in TESOL (one dream ticked off my list). Suddenly I had a lot of free time, but really I didn’t because everything and everyone wanted to fill up those gaps of free time. These little things were chipping away at me. “Chipping” is not quite the right word, but let’s imagine a woodpecker pecking away at a tree.

No, let’s imagine that every aspect of my life was a woodpecker, so 15 or 20 woodpeckers pecking away at my newly available free time. Pretty soon, I had none left, and I was drowning. In fact, when I say drowning, what I mean is that I felt nothing. I was happy to be done, but what had I achieved? I still had the same job, but I had no job prospects. No one would even consider me because I had no university teaching experience yet, and I was starting to feel hopeless. Instead of going out there and networking, I was spending all my time checking essays for my current students, amongst other job duties, of course. I felt like I couldn’t say no to any social invitations or suggestions from family members about what I should do with my kids. I attempted to carve out some me-time, to explore my own needs, but this wasn’t happening to the extent that I wanted. In fact, my Project Life album was on the back-burner until winter vacation. In the end, I quit the gym because it was a waste of money (7000 yen per month) as I had only been there twice in the last six months. Even after graduating, I didn’t go in those first two months of freedom. I took up art journaling instead because I had always wanted to give it a try. I made a few pages and displayed them at home to remind myself of my creative aspirations, but I never even attempted to apply for jobs, which should have been my first priority. Instead, I said out loud, to anyone who would listen, “I am hoping a job just falls in my lap. The perfect job for me.” I chose SIMPLIFY as my word of the year for 2014 as it was the one word that kept popping in to my head.

Following is a reflection on how 2014 went in terms of my word.

Did I Pass the Woman Test?

I felt that I had too many obligations, problems, goals, and ideas – something I tend to attract into my life because I like complicated situations. I desired to pare down my life to the essentials by re-organizing my priorities. One striking sentence from that first scrapbook page in January – “I hope to figure this out while being the best mom, wife, friend and teacher that I can be.” Wow, what a hopeful, yet impossible dream! The best that I can be doesn’t necessitate perfection, so that is good. But, why put all this pressure on myself to be everything to everyone? Does my husband ever say to himself, “I want to be the best father, husband, friend and movie marketer that I can be”? I doubt it! He is just trying to survive each day without thinking too deeply about it. A year later, as I reflect on SIMPLIFY, this is what I wonder about. We, women, associate ourselves with so many roles, and we strive to do our best in each one. It’s like a test we give ourselves. How did I do? So, in 2014, was I the best mom, wife, friend and teacher I could have been? Let me address each role briefly, and excuse me for focusing on the negative for a bit here.

The best mom? No. I yelled at my kids a lot. I developed this kind of sharp tone in my voice when yelling at them, and it annoyed even me. At some point, my husband called me out on it. I tried to watch my tone of voice after that. Calmness. Simplicity. Tell them simply what they did wrong and suggest ways to fix it or at least apologize. This is something to keep in mind for 2015. (Score: 65/100)

The best wife? Well, sort of. I tried to be kind and sexy most of the time, even though I undoubtedly failed more times that I can even recall. Mostly, I tried to be supportive and generous, but when my mind is pulled in all different directions, I didn’t necessarily pay attention to his needs. When all was said and done, he wrote me the most gorgeous Xmas card thanking me for my “tremendous love and support” for our family, and that was the best compliment he’s ever given me. The word “tremendous” keeps coming to mind, though that probably wouldn’t make a good word for 2015. Yes, I did spend a lot of time supporting everyone else, including my husband. (Score: 85/100)

The best friend? Well, no, in fact, I lost a friend early in the year. We have minimal contact with each other now, but perhaps that is part of simplifying one’s life. (It was not my choice, by the way.) Another friend was having a major crisis, and I couldn’t do much for her from across the ocean. Sending care packages filled with junk food and small toys for her and her kids were, perhaps, appreciated, but it would have been way better to go over to her house and clean for her or cook for her family. For another friend, I was consistently late to meet her for our meetings. Not just once, but every time we met up in 2014. Was my life so important that I had to make her wait? By the end of year, in the heat of the moment, she said she was ready to end our friendship just based on that. She soon forgot about this minor blip as she launched into her most recent gossip stories, but I didn’t. I would never want to lose her friendship, especially over something that I could have controlled. So, yeah, I need to work on the friendship thing. (Score: 65/100)

The best teacher? Well, first I quit the teaching job I had had for 11 years, where I loved teaching my classes but hated the administration, the rules and some of the other job conditions. I was an awesome teacher, and this I would never downplay. But saying good-bye, especially to students who seemed excited to continue their journeys with me until graduation, was like punching a whole bunch of people in their guts at the same time, which wouldn’t be possible unless you had 400 arms, but stay with me. Is that was a “good” teacher does? No. But, sometimes, you have to do this, and as part of my word “SIMPLIFY”, it was the best choice for myself and my family. At my new job, I floundered a bit as I found my way, but I did all right, and I developed good rapport with my new students soon enough. Starting new with brand new classes and students meant that I could pare down some of my procedures, and in this way, I think I did well with my classes. I was probably the best teacher that I could be in 2014, yet by the end of year, my mind was overflowing with ideas and excitement about how I could improve my classes for the 2015 school year. Teaching is the easiest to control, it seems. The other roles still need some work. (Score: 90/100)

Six Aspects of SIMPLIFY

In the first month of One Little Word, I chose six areas of my life that I wanted to focus on. I planned to spend time focusing on each one, maybe a month or two here or there. Some things were really easy to figure out, while others, I just kept them in my mind and hoped that simply thinking about it would help. (Note: It really helped to have a poster of these six aspects hanging in my kitchen, so I could see it and briefly reflect on them while cooking or washing dishes.)

These are the six aspects:

Simplify menu planning

For years, I have always done menu planning and shopping on the weekends, but I usually get bored about halfway through the year and tweak my system. In 2014, my hope was to come up with a simplified plan that wouldn’t take a lot of time to plan and shop for each week. Also, I wanted to focus on simple, if not healthy, meals. The fact is my menu planning went out the window. How about NOT planning a menu and seeing what happens? How about NOT making a huge shopping list and just buying the ingredients for dishes we like and making stuff from memory? Thirteen years of marriage and 6 years on my own before that means that I have a lot of recipes up my sleeves. Why not just trust my gut and go with the flow? Though I did not have this in mind when I chose this aspect to focus on for SIMPLIFY, this is what seemed to be happening over time. I became more and more comfortable with this non-planning, simple way and for the entire year, did not once sit down and contemplate and new way to plan and administer weekly menus. Oh well. What are the results of this? In general, I was surprised to discover that I actually don’t NEED a plan. However, I should make a list of all dishes I know how to cook (or could easily cook if I look at one of my old recipe books), and I should put the list on my kitchen bulletin board and in my iPhone. I think that would be the simplest way to get more variety and be able to shop on the go.

Simplify goals and plans

Focusing on this aspect was really helpful because it gave me the excuse to say NO to things I would normally blindly say yes to and then regret it later. It is hard to talk about this aspect in one paragraph, but basically, getting the entire family to agree on our goals and plans was not always possible. At a couple points, Y and I had a conversation about this topic, and that helped to clarify some things though we did not always agree. Just the act of talking helped. We talked about our travel goals for the year, the kids’ lessons, etc. We usually have this conversation in January of each year, but in 2014, we made time to discuss it again in September and that helped to get us through the remaining months.

Simplify our priorities

Another reason to be able to say no to things. When I was able to clarify my priorities in my mind, I found it a lot easier to just say no or to be honest about my limitations. For sure, my children floated to the top nearly every time, and that was how I wanted it. My work, during the semester, was also a priority, so I didn’t make a lot of social plans or promises to people that would have affected getting my work done, which in turn would have affected my family because it would have been at their expense. Now, I have a job that keeps me very busy during the semesters (that’s 28 weeks of the year), and the rest of the year, I can focus on my job as much or as little as I choose to, and I can also focus on other things that are important too. The weekends belong to my family, rather than to my job, which is a new and welcome change for us. The holidays can really be holidays and reserved for family time. We have more money to do things, so I am not always feeling pinched.

Simplify our routines

I feel that I achieved this by changing jobs. Most days, I don’t need to leave the house until after 8am, so we have more time in the mornings. Also, Luka transferred to a daycare closer to home, so I don’t have to go so far out of my way to take him and pick him up every day. Of course, it helps that the kids are getting older and can do more for themselves.

Simplify our paperwork

I hate to admit it, but I never found a good way. Avoiding it certainly didn’t help! The school papers just kept piling up whether I wanted them in my house or not. In order to put the Xmas decorations up in December, I had to go through a big basket of papers, and most of them were past-date, so they were trashed. But, the ones I kept were put on a hidden bookshelf and that is where they remain. I am up to 10,000 unread emails. I started the year by deleting a bunch and then suffering for it later. So, the email issue is still a problem.

Simplify our lifestyle

In general, this has been achieved. I always have to keep it in check by not taking on too many activities, saying no to many things, avoiding others. Weekends are more relaxed, and because I can keep up with cleaning during the week a little better, it doesn’t get so piled up on the weekends. How I use my relaxing time – now that is a different story.

In April, we had to make a series of "_____ means _____" statements for our words. This is a great way to personally define your word using photos and statements.

Initial hopes and fears for SIMPLIFY

More/Less

As part of our planning process, we were asked to make a MORE/LESS list. I wanted more of the following things. In parentheses, I’ll explain how well or not well I did.
More stillness (NOT ENOUGH)
More time with Yusuke (NOT ENOUGH, but I did move back into the bedroom officially and am no longer co-sleeping with my son.)
More cuddle time with the kids (DOING OKAY)
More playing indoors and outdoors (NOT ENOUGH, but we started out well at the beginning of the year. The last half of the year, we did very little playing together indoors.)
Less spending of our money (NO, I still seem to spend a lot, but I have helped Y not to overspend his allowance, and that has helped immensely.)
Less email (NO, still inundated, never delete)
Less processed, fatty foods (DOING OKAY, if you don’t count snacks. I do need to curb my snacking, but I did find some great alternatives for myself. I got hooked on mimolette cheese.)
Less arguing with kids and Yusuke (I think I argue with the kids more, but less with Yusuke)

Fears

Gain more weight (I did. I gained back every kilogram I lost in 2012 and 2013.)
Feel stressed out (I did well with this! I felt busy at times but never stressed out.)
Spread too thin (I did well. I was busy but never overwhelmed! I learned to really prioritize and no one was really telling me to do it differently or surprising me with new work tasks, like what often happened in my former job.)
Won’t be able to say no. (I said NO a lot!)

Excitement

I want to wear my jeans again in 2014. (I did. I had to buy new, plus-sized jeans, but I wore them a lot on weekends. I hadn’t worn jeans in a long, long time.)
I want to enjoy weekends with my kids. (I did. We had a lot of fun and went on some adventures, even during the weekdays.)
I want to continue developing my relationship with Yusuke. (We did okay. I appreciate and accept him now more than ever before. We are growing closer and I enjoy having him around.)

Some Extra Questions and Answers

I found a web site that lists 50 questions to ask yourself as you reflect on your word for the previous year. I chose several questions to answer and reflect on.

What new things did you discover about yourself?

I can stop worrying about some things. They will happen naturally, like the menu planning.

I enjoy being with my kids and trying new things with them.

I felt lonely at my new job at first but I appreciated the balance between days when I could work alone and days when my colleagues were around to chat with.

Which of your personal qualities turned out to be the most helpful this year?

My ability to stay organized and write to-do lists and cross off tasks every day.

My ability to build and maintain a decent atmosphere in my classes.

My ability to meet new people and chat with them about pretty much anything.

My ability to be alone and still get things done.

What was the most important lesson you learnt in 2014?

I need to take better care of myself. Often these words are meant for my family members, but I also need to focus on my own mental/physical care. Also, I really want to reduce my screen time so I can focus more on myself and my family. I need to prioritize time for my hobbies, especially scrapbooking, too.

In the summer, we had to contemplate our lives from three perspectives, and I realized that I needed to take better care of myself because, frankly, I was not doing it.

Which mental block(s) did you overcome?

Sometimes we DON’T need a plan. I can trust my 38 years of experience to lead me in the right direction even if I haven’t written it down, made a list, planned it out, etc.

What was your biggest break-through moment career-wise?

Getting a new job! Presenting at JALT! Working on two publications for the university!

How did your relationship to your family evolve?

We had more time together. We supported Ailin at her dance events. Yusuke and I fought less. The kids fought more, but they are learning how to get through their battles, even if they just do paper-scissors-rock to decide things.

What book or movie affected your life in a profound way?

All of the Middle Eastern literature that I read. I enjoyed learning more about the culture and religion, but then I went back to Asian and Asian-American lit, my first love.

In August, we tried to choose songs or lyrics that inspire us in relation to our word.

What was your favorite compliment that you received this year?

“Thank you for your tremendous love and support for our family.” In a Xmas card from Yusuke

What cool things did you create this year?

Art Journal for Brene Brown’s online classes, Project Life 2013 at the beginning of 2014, One Little Word Album for 2014.

Which worries turned out to be completely unnecessary?

The new job and commute did not stress me out. I found great pleasure in all the changes.

In October, I wrote a letter to myself. It was supposed to be a positive letter.

What was the biggest problem you solved?

Transferring Luka to a daycare closer to home turned out to be a blessing. He now has a male teacher and plenty of friends right in our building and neighborhood. I also changed the family’s evening schedule so that the kids could go to bed earlier, I could move back into the master bedroom, and I started sleeping in until a normal time, 5:30 am.

What one thing would you do differently and why?

I would have tried to focus more on my weight issues. I learned how to say NO to events and activities, but I couldn’t say no to food. I gained a lot in the beginning of the year with all the good-bye parties and lunches, and it just kept snowballing from there. I certainly said NO to exercise when really I should have been taking better care of myself.

In November, we reflected on how we were making our word a part of our lives. Another chance for using recent photos that depict how this word is manifesting itself paired with "I am..." statements.

What or who had the biggest positive impact on your life this year?

Friends, who are trying to get healthy, such as Kirsten and Louise, impacted me to a certain extent. By the end of the year, I found that inspiring. Colleagues, who work hard and are really smart and professional, inspired me to try and do more reading and research. Students, who really enjoyed the final project “The Dinner Party”, inspired me to think of better ways to reach more students by having fun with English and using “real” items in “real” situations. My children, who by just being themselves, found joy in the littlest things and simply just wanted to play and cuddle. Friends, who were going through or had been through crisis in their marriages and were confiding in me, seemed strong and were able to pull through it. That really affected how I see my own marriage and life. All of these inspired me to choose “Nurture” as my word for 2015.

All of these inspired me to choose “Nurture” as my word for 2015.
Stay tuned for more posts about 2015.
I am hoping to keep up with my blog and nurture it back to health this year.

Related Links

Online Scrapbooking Class One Little Word is taught by Ali Edwards.
Project Life is a scrapbooking concept for people who want to capture everyday moments. Albums are done in a pocket-page style. You can read more about it here.
All of the digital elements and papers I used for my OLW album in 2014 were from a digital kit by Libby Pritchett. The kit is called Be Awesome and you can purchase it or see more kits by Libby at the Sweet Shoppe Designs.

One Little Word: March - Making a Collage

2014-03-28T13:48:00.000-07:00

As you know, my word for the year is simplify.

Here it is - the end of March and my year 2014 is not going at all like I envisioned it would at the beginning of January when I first chose this word.

Update January to March

I applied for, scored an interview, and was offered a new job. I will be making the transition of teaching high school students for the past 11 years to teaching university students. Finally, some dreams coming true in the career department. However, the transition has not been all roses as finding new teachers to replace us (Adie also got a new job!) was quite troublesome and time-consuming. All behind us now as our last day at work was March 24th.

I agreed to let my daughter take part in a dance event, which required 2 1/2 months of intense training. Much parental support expected! This was certainly NOT a way to simplify my life. But now that it is nearly over, I can see it was totally worth it, and she has made great strides in her skills and confidence.

A close friendship ended in March. It was quite a surprise to me, and certainly not what I had in mind when I contemplated simplifying my social life. But, these things happen and perhaps it was for the better. We were good friends for many years, and I have many great memories of spending time with her, so I'll never forget how special she was to me. It is ironic that it occurred soon after I was reminiscing about a past friendship that had ended suddenly (a few blog entries back), and how I was trying to make myself feel better by saying, "Friends enter and exit our lives for reasons that are sometimes beyond our control." I think this still holds true.

In order to simplify our family schedules, I attempted to transfer my son to a daycare closer to our house, as opposed to the one close to my workplace, where I will no longer be working. This week, I finally got the results. The daycares in our area are full, so he will continue at the same one unless an opening comes up within the next year. This means that my morning commute will be complicated by the fact that I have to ride my bike (with him on the back) all the way to his daycare and then backtrack to the station, park the bike, and get on the train 3x (maybe 4x) a week. (Thursdays will be my really early day as my first class begins at 9am and I probably need to be on the train by 7:30...the other days between 8-8:30 will suffice).

I am still contemplating the many options I have before me as I find out details about this new job, the schedule, the workload, and the salary. For the rest of March and April and May, as I acclimate myself and my family to these changes, I have many things to think about. However, I do know one thing. This job will help improve our lifestyle in a number of ways. 2 years plus 9 months of grad school while working full time was worth it.

One Little Word March Assignment
Ali's assignment for the month of March was to cull magazines for words and images that catch my eye, cut them out, and arrange them into a collage. She suggested we arrange the words into sort of a poem, and she emphasized that we DO NOT need to choose words that relate directly to our OLW. In fact, just by choosing words/pictures that jump out at us, and then by arranging them in a certain way, we may discover something new about ourselves or even a new direction that our OLW journey will take us.

I used an A4 size muse board, and since A4 is actually quite small, I decided to divide up my cuttings into to two groups and arrange two collages.

Collage One seems to represent my desires for a better family life. The words don't really seem like a coherent poem, but in my mind, as I read from top to bottom, I imagine some extra words.

The Word Poem:

At last, time is on your side.

You can be reliable.

Have courage...and let go of being perfect.

Your family matters.

You can be better together.

You have the ability to change their world

because you want to give them the sun and the moon.

Just Reconnect.

Keep in mind that nobody's perfect.

Every day is a new beginning.

The image in the background is a very peaceful nature trail, similar to the one that extends behind our apartment building - the one I intend to start USING with some of my newfound free time. So, the collage is also a reminder that I can/should start exercising again, not just for the purpose of losing weight, but also for the purpose of clearing my mind, thus ridding myself of mind-clutter on a more regular basis.

Collage Two seems to represent my inner-desires and my need for creativity and continual self-development.

The Word Poem:

Get inspired!

Get creative, get organized.

Get healthier.

Get yourself on an even keel.

Make it a habit.

Streamlining is the key to a simple life.

Do more of what you love.

Find new roads.

Give thanks.

Thrive every day.

Show your love.

Shine on!

The main image in the background is of P!nk in a Covergirl ad. She is, incidentally, one of my favorite musicians. She has two sides to her: a very hard, tattooed bitch side and a very soft and sensitive side. I think that recently I have been trying to show my sensitive side more by being honest with people about my feelings and experiences. Her Covergirl ads really speak to me.

The second image is of an eclectically organized bookshelf. I love the arrangement of doodads, photos and books. Not only does it inspire me to read more, but it also gets me thinking about how to use our space better in order to continue creating a colorful, simple home.

To be honest, I am not quite sure yet what these collages mean or how they will help me, but I am interested in finding out.

The Final Assignment: Choose a Motto

2014-03-20T15:12:00.001-07:00

My motto has always been "Just do it". Much like the Nike motto, which should send any potential sporty person into action, I used it to force myself to do things whether I was afraid or not. I don't really appreciate hedging, hemming and hawing, hesitating...although I do find myself doing it when I want to say no, but can't for whatever reason.

Last year, while working on my Masters thesis, I altered my motto to "I AM doing it". In the present-progressive tense, it tricked my mind into thinking that I was ALREADY making progress and that I NEEDED TO KEEP GOING.

A quick Google search brought me to this gem of a motto, which I have adopted for this purpose.

It is simple, but it implies an entire story about who I am, how I see myself and what I can accomplish in the future.

I can. I will. I am.

I have signed up for Part 2 of Brene Brown's class, so I will continue to blog about my progress along with other things.

Cultivating Gratitude: Letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark

2014-03-10T23:34:00.001-07:00

Documenting a week in your life to see what daily occurrences are a part of you, what you are thankful for, and what you might miss if you suddenly didn't have it anymore. That was our assignment for the week.

I would miss the sunsets, working with Adie, seeing Ailin's pure joy at her weekly dance and swimming lessons. I would miss Max and his cute eyebrow and black spots and his loud snoring. I would miss cuddling with the kids, watching Ailin's face when I announce we are having "American" food for dinner. I would miss seeing Luka grow and develop as he starts to do daily things (like, getting dressed) all by himself. I would miss my view from the kitchen out into the living room, and I would even miss washing gads of dishes every night while I watch the kids doing whatever they do while they wait for me to finish. I would miss weekend dinners at Yuki-chan's house, and I'd miss watching Yusuke play with (not, yell at) the kids.

After taking a look at this collage, I needed to decide on a three or four simple things that truly bring me joy.

Sunsets
Cuddling
Laughter
Podcasts

It's the little things in life that can bring us happiness in small doses.

One Little Word SIMPLIFY: February Assignment

2014-03-10T23:18:00.002-07:00

For the month of February, we were to make a page with space for each month so we can go back and update it with reflections throughout the whole year.

Cultivating a Resilient Spirit

2014-02-27T12:55:00.001-08:00

I have always considered myself to have a resilient spirit, but I admit that I do have some weaknesses. This week's lesson was about examining our stress factors and the types of situations that make us feel bad. Then we looked at how we numb ourselves against these bad feelings. There were four steps to this process of letting go of our numbing techniques in order to "lean into" the pain.

Leaning into the pain? Why would you want to lean into the pain when you can just eat a macaroon and feel instantly better? Brene explained that by numbing the pain or bad feelings, we are also preventing ourselves from feeling joy and happiness. It's akin to taking pain medication. You may be numbing the pain, but you also may be numbing out good sensations. Same may be for depression or anxiety medication.

In order to explore this part of ourselves, she asked us to make four collages, using magazine pictures and words/phrases that spoke to us somehow. I flipped through about 5 magazines and cut out anything that jumped out at me...arranging them later into four categories.

#1 LEFT SIDE
What causes you to feel bad? What causes you to want to numb yourself?
Being judged by others, disorganization/messiness (especially when I can't find something I need), bad time management, unnecessary drama, frustration, fear, being angry at someone or about something.

#2 RIGHT SIDE
What do you use to numb your bad feelings?
I eat. I go for the Snickers or the macaroons. I make excuses for why I need ice cream or cake. I eat tons of chocolate. I drink wine or wine coolers. I spend money. I focus more on my iPhone than on the people around me.

In fact, I make all kinds of excuses why I need to eat, spend money, check my email 100x a day on my iPhone, horde chocolate and drink.

For the past few months, I have refrained from drinking my daily glass of wine on week nights though, so at least I am curbing that. And, even on weekends, I only have one glass of wine with dinner. However, it makes me tired and more irritable than usual. Then, I am unable to do my nightly chores in a timely manner, so it was always one reason the kids and I got to bed late.

My main issue, even more than food, shopping and alcohol, is my addiction to the computer. I really really need to make some boundaries for myself. I am not sure how to do this, but I do realize it's getting worse. If I am not checking my iPhone, then I have my iPad with me and I am looking at that. After dinner, I usually sit down at the computer for a little while. It's probably not necessary to do this most of the time. I just do it because I'd rather look at a computer screen than do the dishes, clean up our apartment, fold laundry, interact with the kids, etc. It's a bad habit, and I need to work really hard to break it.

#3 What actually makes you feel good?
Being outside in any season
Swimming and cycling
Organized spaces, especially colorful books
Colorful spaces
Sunsets
Drinking tea, especially with friends
Colorful, healthy food
My union/marriage with my husband (but only when we are getting along)

Notice that a computer screen did not make it on this collage. Notice that these are small things but significant for one's daily peace of mind. If I can find ways to fit cycling and swimming (and perhaps walking) into my life on a weekly basis, I would probably be feel less stressed out when I meet with adversity. If I could get my house more organized again and continue adding color to it, I could look at that every day and feel happy even when other things are going to shit. If I continue to make healthy, colorful dishes, at least half the time, I wouldn't feel bad when we have to get take-out once in a while. These are simple things.

#4 What did I learn from the first three collages? What are the things I can do to manage my stress and bad feelings without constantly turning to my numbing techniques?
Brene told us to make a list of things we can do rather than numb ourselves from pain.
My list includes the following:
Read
Socialize
Create
Cuddle
Go outside
Cook & eat well
Exercise
Organize

Finally, Brene explained that in her research, she found that whole-hearted people tend to have certain things in place that are a daily part of their lives. These things allow them to cultivate resilience without turning to numbing techniques every time something is not going right.

Whole-hearted people are

Resourceful and have good problem-solving skills
Likely to seek help
Believe that you can do something to help manage your feelings and cope with problems
Have social support available
Connected to others, such as family and friends

Cultivating Self-Compassion

2014-02-19T12:53:00.000-08:00

It's pretty easy to have compassion for others. I cry when I see commercials about kids in Africa, documentaries about young women in Cambodia. I tear up when I see a family being torn apart in a TV drama. My eyes well up when students come to me asking for advice about their futures or worrying about the next exam.

However, when it comes to yourself, do you put yourself down when you fail or when you don't respond "correctly" to any given situation?

How many times a day do I repeat, "I am the worst mother in the world" inside my head? How many times do I say, "I shouldn't eat that. I'm too fat."? How many times a week do I hear myself asking a friend, "What is wrong with me?"

In this week's lesson, we were assigned to look back at old photos and find ones that were taken during the most difficult times of our lives. We had to think about what we would tell that younger version of ourselves. What kind of advice would we give them? How would we cheer them up so they can keep going?

I chose four pictures. There were other bad times in my life, but as I looked through my old scrapbooks and digital files, these four especially struck me as being times that I really needed some cheering up.

"Sometimes we do stupid things. It's okay!"
It was my last year of summer camp. I was 14, and I knew that it was the last time to attend summer camp with friends I had been seeing every summer for four or five years. We were the "cyclists", and during one of our cycling/camping trips, I was being my typical boy-crazy self, and Shelly and I found some boys to hang out on our day off. We were biking around the very hilly campgrounds in search of their campsite so we could ask them to come hang out with us, and I slid on a gravelly portion of the curvy road. In order to prevent myself from hitting the ground, I instinctively put my leg out and twisted my knee on the way down. It wasn't the first time I had injured my knee, so I knew I should have been more careful. As it was, my camp counselors had to call the camp and have someone come and pick me up the next day. I had to say good-bye to my friends, including one of my BFFs who was sad that our LAST SUMMER TOGETHER was ruined. I felt guilty about what I was doing at the time when I got injured. We weren't even on the road cycling. We were just fooling around, looking for those boys. Back at the camp, my mother met me to pick me up. I cried all the way home. For me, this last cycling trip marked the end of my childhood...and I had messed it up royally.

However, yeah, it's okay! Not a big deal in the big picture of life. I had banked up plenty of cycling camp memories over the years, and my BFF Amy and I are still awesome friends.

"This is just a phase and things will get better from here. Be strong!"
I had a six-month old baby, and I constantly daydreamed about leaving my husband. We were going through a really rough time. There were two issues going on, one that I was not fully aware of, and one that I didn't really understand. I didn't understand why my husband, who was adjusting to having a baby in the house, wanted to wield so much control. He had opinions about everything, and he threw out the D-word every time I disagreed or tried to stand up to him. I was miserable. It seemed like we disagreed on everything and were fighting constantly. Taking care of the baby and house were hard enough but these responsibilities were enjoyable. However, the fighting about every little thing with my husband made life a living hell. What I was not fully aware of were the problems he was having at work. The company he worked for was about to merge with another company, and he knew that some employees would lose their jobs. At the time, it was all up in the air. He worried and stressed about this for many months. Rather than admit that he was worried or felt he couldn't control what would happen, he attempted to gain more control at home. It got so bad we ended up seeing a marriage counselor because I was about to take the baby, the dog, and all my worldly possessions and leave the country for good. In the sessions with the counselor, it became clear that my husband's work worries were the main problem and all we could do was wait and see what would happen. The results would be in by the end of the year. When he found out he would be able to keep his job with the newly merged companies, he relaxed quite a bit. I still find him to be slightly controlling, but that year was definitely the lowest of the low periods in our marriage.

"Friends enter and exit our lives for reasons that are sometimes beyond our control."
In 2007, just before my daughter was born, I made a new friend. We were both expecting our first babies, and we became close very quickly. With all of our free time expecting and then later caring for our new babies, we had tons of stuff to talk about. We saw each other nearly every day. I was so happy to have found her. But, one day, when our kids were about 6 months old, she suddenly began to give me the cold shoulder. When confronted about it, she admitted that I made her uncomfortable due to the issues I was having with my husband. The photo shows the baby playgroup we formed together at one of the only/last family events we planned, a BBQ at the park. We thought we had created a great thing together! But, when she decided to unfriend me, she soon left the group, and later when my maternity leave ended, I took the opportunity to move on as well because the baby group remind me too much of my failed friendship. It took a long time to get over our "break-up", and for many many months, I doubted myself. When my son was born a couple years later, I avoided making new friends with pregnant women. I kind of regret that now. My daughter has plenty of friends who were born right around the same time as her, and we still socialize with them. However, my son has none because I never made the effort to meet anyone when I was pregnant with him and then on maternity leave. I basically kept to myself that whole year (except for the mom friends I had made with my daughter).

I realize now that the "break-up" was beyond my control, and that I shouldn't fear the possibility of a friendship ending, even if it seems sudden or for no good reason. Friends are really important even if some friendships don't last long.

"Things may seem sad and hopeless right now, but this is just the beginning of a journey for you."
I wanted to include this photo because it represents a spark that started a journey that I couldn't even have imagined at the time. It was a good-bye party for Karl, my BFF colleague, who was going back to the USA to attend grad school in a completely different field. I knew things would be different at work from now on, and it kind of scared me. We had also had a falling-out a few weeks before his departure and still hadn't patched things up. I was crying before this picture was taken.

What was this journey that I couldn't imagine at the time? It's a little complicated because I found myself pregnant with my second child a few months later. I wasn't planning it as I had just returned from maternity leave with my daughter. I was afraid to leave my job for another year, and I worried that I would lose control at work. (I didn't take it out on my family though...) Anyway, without Karl there to assist in running the ship, I had to depend on the people who were left, and it worried me a great deal. During my maternity leave with my son, I spent a lot of time contemplating my job and my future. I started to realize that I needed to begin detaching myself from my school, even if this would happen over a longer period of time. Back at work the following year, I found things had changed a lot and that I had, indeed, lost quite a bit of control. I was NOT okay with this, but I also realized there was not much I could do about it. I had new responsibilities (my children) and new ideas for my future. That year, I applied to graduate school and I continued to work while taking classes. It was rough, but I managed it. Back in 2008, I could not have imagined that within 6 years, I would have an MA and I would be putting in my resignation. I also couldn't imagine that I would become good friends with Adie and that our friendship would be so transforming or that our synergy would help us create such inspiring lesson plans and projects for our students. Back in 2008, I barely knew her even though we worked in the same office.

Finally, Brene asked us to find ways to be self-compassionate now. First, a quick phrase we can say to ourselves when having a rough time or when we doubt our abilities.

I say, "I got this!" I also say, "I can do this." or even better, "I AM doing this."

Then, we had to find some quotes or lyrics that are especially meaningful to us and give us courage to keep going.

Brave by Sara Bareilles
"Say what you wanna say"
"I wanna see you be brave"

Firework by Katy Perry
"So you could open one [door] that leads you to the perfect road"
"when it's time, you'll know"
"Ignite the light, and let it shine"

Unconditionally by Katy Perry
"Know you are worthy"

The Gifts of Imperfection: Lesson 2

2014-02-10T13:30:00.000-08:00

Authenticity is a hard word to apply to one's life, especially when we live in a world that relies on being fake. Telling people you are fine when you are not. Posting happy, positive messages on Facebook, when inside you feel shitty about a friendship that just ended. Commenting on friends' successes even though you feel insanely jealous.

Cultivating authenticity, for this assignment, meant that we had to go back in time and look at old pictures of ourselves. Of all the pictures we could find, we had to choose one in which we were ourselves, truly and utterly ourselves. No posed shots necessary here. Then, we had to answer some questions.

Me at 21; Me at 3

I chose two shots.

In the first photo, I was around 2 or 3 years old. My mother had been searching for me in the house and finally found me hiding in the cupboard, amongst the pots and pans, with a bag of Doritos. I was happily munching away. This is me. I am 37 years old now, and I still love a good bag of Doritos.

In the second photo, I was about 21. It was summer, between my junior and senior year in college. I was still living in the Roundhouse apartments with my best friend, Shannon. We were celebrating my birthday. It was a three-day celebration with many friends and my then-boyfriend. On this particular day, we had been spending the day at Devil's Lake - picnicking, hiking, swimming. It was the perfect day, with perfect friends - a moment that I wish I could freeze in time. In this photo, I am wearing my swimsuit, messy hair, holding a s'more, licking marshmallow from my lips. Not a care in the world. I was smiling with sheer happiness. I thought I was beautiful because life was beautiful and relatively carefree. At the time, I had no idea what the real world would be like.

Answers to some questions about the girl in the photos

Here are the questions and my answers:
What do you see when you look at her?
I see a girl who enjoys food and likes to have fun. She has a mischievous side.

What do you love and appreciate about her?
I like that she doesn't care what others think of her. The messy hair, the big smile, the laughter - it's all part of the package.

What makes her light shine?
She likes being with people and leading an active life, but she also enjoys being alone. She needs a little of both to shine.

What can you do to take care of her?
Let her enjoy food, make sure she leads an active, fun life, but also that she has time to herself.

I chose two pictures that involved me eating (and thoroughly enjoying) food. Knowing that I like being alone as well as being with people was NOTHING NEW TO ME. But, I discovered something new by looking at these two pictures side by side. I looked back on the past several years that I have been trying (and failing) to lose weight. I have tried so many different techniques but none have really stuck for me. I know it is important to be healthy and active, but I also realized that food and my enjoyment of food WILL NEVER EVER go away. And, that is okay. I shouldn't constantly feel the need to deprive myself or later feel guilty because I had a few Doritos.

Just a doodle of the view from my living room.

Digging Deeper with the authenticity lesson

Songs that inspire

I realized that I can still have a fun, active life full of friends and family, and I can still eat and enjoy food. You know why? Because that is who I am. That is the real me.

In the latter part of the week, we were to think about being deliberate, getting inspired and getting going on our progress. In general, I want to make an effort to be more real with people and not try to hide my feelings. I think that when I have been able to do this, the response has been positive, but I also realize there is a nice way to go about this, so I am trying to be more aware of this. Inspiration was not hard to find. I have a few songs that have inspired me over the years - songs that I come back to again and again, especially when I am feeling down. Finally, this is a transitional period in my life. I am leaving a job (that I loved) for a better opportunity, and I hope this will get me on the right path. I was afraid, for a long time, to admit that I needed to find a way out, but I realized that no matter what I do, people will always find a way to judge me or make me feel guilty about my choices. I have to do what is right for me and my family - not what is right for them.

The Gifts of Imperfection: My Journey to Embracing my own Imperfections

2014-01-31T13:15:00.000-08:00

Brene Brown (pronounced Brenay) is a shame researcher. I had never heard of her until last summer when her name kept coming up. I listen to a podcast about digital scrapbooking called the Digishow, and they were doing a series discussion on a book called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. They were gushing about her, her other books, her TED talks, etc. I went to check out her TED talk, and I realized that I had seen this woman before, I had even watched her TED talk but at the time, it hadn't stuck. This time, I listened intently to the podcast hosts going on and on about her messages in her book. I could slightly relate, enough to go out and purchase the kindle version of the book. I started reading it, but it was over my head. Well, no, it was just too much information and I was in the midst of analyzing data for my thesis at the time.

So, what is a shame researcher? Her background is in Social Work, and she is a professor, but her research relates to people and how they handle shame or, better yet, how they get past shame to live their lives more fully and deal with their loved ones (and strangers) in a more authentic way. She studies people who can do this well so she can tell the stories to the rest of us.

I didn't finish reading the book Daring Greatly at the time, but Brene Brown's name and her work was still in the back of my mind, and I was intending to read more about it after my thesis was completed. Sure enough, in October, I received an invitation in my email inbox for an Oprah Class that would be taught by Brene Brown. First off, I didn't know that Oprah offers online classes (for self-help and development) on her web site, and I had no idea that Brene's work was known and admired by so many people...enough to make Oprah want to host a class about it. So, I pondered signing up for it, but I was intimidated by the fact that an art journal would be involved. I didn't know how to make an art journal, and at the time, I didn't know that Brene would teach not only "what" to journal about, but also "how" to create pages for the art journal. I also hesitated to take on something new...a 12-week intensive on-line course, just after completing my thesis? No thank you. Instead, I found a self-paced art journaling course and signed up for that instead. I made several pages before I realized it was easy, and I kind of regretted not signing up for Brene's course.

Then, in January, I received another email from Oprah. (Why was I getting emails from Oprah suddenly? I had never received them in the past!) This time, Brene was announcing that her first class was SO SUCCESSFUL and SO LIFE-CHANGING for so many, that she had designed a new class, which would start in April. But, before that, she wanted to give people a 2nd chance, in case they missed the first offering last fall, to take the first class before April, and so it would be offered again starting in...gasp!...3 days. Oh, Oprah, you slay me with your marketing techniques. But it works! I signed up immediately, and so did my friend Louise, and so did another friend, Laura. I was so excited to have this 2nd chance and also to be sharing it with friends.

So, the class started, and it is not as intensive as I imagined it would be, but it is really interesting and thought-provoking. It's also hard to imagine sharing it all on my blog, but I don't mind summarizing what I have done and learned so far.

Week 1

We had to read the first half of her book, "Give of Imperfections" and make a few pages in our art journals. It is fascinating to read about her own experiences, but also to watch the how-to videos because she is a very good story-teller. Her experiences ring true for me. How we try to appear perfect to others, but really, we are so far from perfect and we try to hide away our faults. How it's okay to be more honest with people and admit when we have done something wrong. How to be more forgiving of others because we need to acknowledge that everyone is imperfect and most people are hiding behind this mirage of perfection, just like us. Well, I am getting off on a tangent here. Following are some photos of my art journal:

First, we were to give ourselves permission to do several things that might be hard for us to do. I left room to add more later. We were supposed to choose one to put up on the class's web site. I chose "to tell my real feelings to people" because, honestly, that is hardest for me. I found that this month, I worked hard to be more honest with people and not worry so much about how they would react and what they would say about me or think of me. In general, I got a positive and supportive reaction from people.

to say no
to forget
to fall behind
to cry
to make mistakes
to tell my real feelings to people
to ask for help

Then, we were supposed to write, in permanent marker, on our hands the vow, "I am imperfect and I am enough." But, I misunderstood and wrote "I am more than enough" instead and I also made my art journal page with it. We were supposed to upload these photos to the web site, and that is when I realized that I had written the wrong "quote" on my hand, so I RE-DID it. Yup, still learning here. Still on a journey. Still worried about making mistakes. (By the way, notice the bracelet. More on that later.)

The third journal assignment (yes, Week 1 was intense) was to write a list of our heart people and make this heart-themed journal page. Heart People are those whom you can share anything with and you don't have to worry about their evaluation of you. They will love you unconditionally. I realized that my husband is not one of those "heart people" for me. I still worry and fret over what he will think of me if I make a mistake and that he will just walk away when he has had enough. However, if anyone knows my faults and what my house really looks like, it is HIM. And, he is still here. And, honestly, our relationship took a turn for the better last fall, so I can sense myself trusting him more and letting him see me (no, really see me) more than ever before. So, perhaps one day he will be added to this list. I really hope so.

I also realized that there was someone I really wanted to (and expected to) put on the list but I could not because I had kept something from her since last summer. I had had plenty of chances to tell her about it, but I had only told two people (my other heart people) immediately when it happened, but I had not told her. I was afraid that on that point, she would get judgy. But, the thing was, I tell her EVERYTHING ELSE. Why couldn't I share this one thing with her? So, I sent her a private message and confessed everything to her, and told her that I could add her to the list now. She said, "Thank you for telling me. You were already on my list." She wasn't judgy about it either.

At the end of the week, Brene puts forth three questions or small tasks that we can either just answer inside our heads or we can journal about them. I chose to journal about them in my art journal, so here are the pages from the "Get Inspired, Get Deliberate, Get Going" task. One thing I decided, then and there, was to blog about my experiences with this class and the others that I am taking. I don't know how many people read and feel inspired by my blog posts, but for me, it is great record of my journey and will most likely be printed into a book for myself in the future. (I use Blurb or Blog to Books once in a while to print my blogs into book form.)And, if people read it and feel something, that is great too.

Since this post is getting long, and it's a lot to digest, I'll save the 2nd week for next time. Cheers to your imperfections. Embrace them because its what adds to your beauty and your likeability. If everyone were perfect, what a boring world this would be.

One Little Word in January

2014-01-28T12:12:00.000-08:00

I chose SIMPLIFY as my word for this year, but I have to confess something. It is really hard to make time to simplify my life, and I have already committed to several events that I had originally thought I would say no to. Plus, I'm taking 3 online classes in relation to scrapbooking, so they are very enjoyable, of course. And, I have other things going on that would make anyone's head spin...perhaps I will write about some of these in a later blog post. Oh well. Got to enjoy life too, right?

Ali Edwards' first assignment for OLW 2014 was to make two lay outs plus complete some journaling about our word choices.

The assignment including the following: Choose a word, Make a lay out including a photo of you, the definition of the word, and your reasons for choosing it. Finally, we had to find or create a symbol for our word, something we could keep around that would be a constant reminder.

Then, find a quote. I found two. Couldn't resist. As I was making my quote page, I realized that the shape of the quotes looked like the figure 8. The figure 8 is reminded me of two rings set together, and this lead me to think about symbols for "unity". It all came together then. One of my reasons for choosing "SIMPLIFY" is to focus on the family and bring us back together again after these last 3 years of stress and hardship. Many of the class members are ordering or having symbolic jewelry or household decorations custom made that will remind them of their word. I haven't decided yet if I will do this or not, but it is much easier to find a piece of jewelry that represents "unity" rather than one that symbolizes "simplify". (Oh, I just thought of something though. What about those JUST SAY NO stickers to remind kids not to succumb to peer pressure?)

The 3rd part was to think about different ways to use our word. It was a journaling assignment, but I decided to make it into a lay out, much like the January 2013 assignment, so that I can print it and have it hanging by my desk.

Finally, the kids and I found some rocks in Ailin's collection and painted them. They wanted to choose words too, so I painted our words on the rocks with liquid paper (white out). Ailin's word is HOUSE because she wants us to move into a house. Luka's word is GLEE because he likes the soundtracks from the TV drama.

The word simplify, being coupled with my other 2 online classes, has been a challenge for me so far. I have not made much practical progress, but I am focusing on "menu planning" this month. I have been paying more attention to my preferences and habits regarding this. I LIKE using CookPad in English, but feasibly, I can only cook decent meals 3 nights a week due to Ailin's dance/swimming lesson schedule. So, on Sundays, when I make the grocery list, I go to CookPad and choose 3 recipes to make. For the other nights, I make easy meals, like sandwiches and chips or spaghetti with meat sauce. Things that I know the kids will love and will be very easy to make. Last year, I did make green smoothies every night for myself (from about July to October), but I realize now that I don't actually WANT to drink smoothies in lieu of dinner, that I would rather eat real food that I have cooked. I found some simple ingredients to use in my lunch boxes every day, so not only are my lunches really healthy and filling, but they are also very simple to assemble in the mornings. I make things like oinarizushi, chikuwa, tsukemono, onigiri, mini-salads, and leftovers from dinner. In terms of menu planning, I think things are improving, though if the past is any indication of the future, I will most likely get bored in a few months and have to shake things up with a new cookbook or some new-fangled method to getting dinner on the table. One thing is for sure though. I get a lot of joy out of cooking and trying new recipes, and Japanese home-cooked food is surprisingly easy to make and requires very few ingredients. I bet people who have never lived in Japan would be surprised to read that!

Project Life 2013 Finished and Printed!

2014-01-27T04:00:00.000-08:00

For the past 2 years in January, I feel obliged to complete two large projects before the month ends. First, I rush to complete the Project Life pages for my album so I can get them uploaded to Blurb and printed into a book. Prior to Project Life, I was making my own version of Project Life with many of the same ideas - repetitive templates throughout, documenting month by month, including the entire family and their memorabilia in the layouts, etc. I love doing it digitally though as they albums come out so thin and well, book-like.

Check out the link for a preview of my latest Project Life Album. It costs a little over $100 to print this 94-pager, but it is well worth the money. One of my favorite books on our bookshelves!

Project Life 2013 (Click this link to see a preview of the book.)

The way I work it out is that each month, I separate our typical family events into themes - Amanda's stuff (usually involving work, hobbies, issues, friends, etc.), Kids' stuff, Family events, and Everyday Life. There are some months when Yusuke has something to share, such as when he travels or attends a friend's wedding. Special family events, such as birthdays, sports festivals, holidays, etc. are allotted extra pages for that month. When time and space allows, I scan memorabilia and use it throughout the pages - things like ticket stubs, kids' drawings, clothing tags, to-do lists, and so on.

I use Photo Shop Elements, both on Mac and PC to complete my pages and then upload them to Blurb in order to make the photobook.

Here's the thing though. By summer, I tend to fall way behind. In fact, in 2013, I was busy researching for my Masters thesis, and I started to fall behind after February. Once I finished with it in September, I spent a few hours here and there trying to catch up but didn't make much headway. I spend most of my winter break powering my way through the last 10 months of the year, so don't get discouraged if you start to fall behind. There are advantages to doing the pages months after the fact (like, you won't be quite as detailed with a little perspective). Of course, there are disadvantages too, like the constant nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach or the likelihood of missing some important details or even the order of events, but really, does that matter in the end? What matter most is that your family has a beautiful book of memories to look at for years to come.

For 2014, I would love to keep up a little better. I don't have the excuse of thesis, but I'm sure other things will come up. Right now, I am trying to figure out some techniques for keeping up and for SIMPLIFYING the whole process. I have a few sets of templates that I go back to again and again, and I found that simple templates work better for me. Though I sometimes love the look of very elaborate pages, it is not feasible for PL pages - too heavy and take too long to work on. I downloaded more Becky Higgins templates and several of Cathy Zielske's templates, both created for the purpose of Project Life. I have a huge stockpile of digital kits that I procured when I was a member of the Digi Files. I have recently unsubscribed because my computer external hard drives were getting so full, and I needed to take a break and use up kits that I have never used yet. I plan to go through and choose several kits that I will use for 2014. Last year, I chose a different kit for each month, but as it turns out, there were some kits I really loved and others, not so much, so I will only choose four or five that I really love, that suit the seasonal colors, that make my heart sing, and I use those over and over.

Here is one in particular that I fell in love with, which lead me to buy several more of the kits created by Libby Pritchett at Sweet Shoppe.

Be Awesome

I love the color blending, the oranges, the shabbiness of it. This definitely reflects my style. Bright but shabby.

Next week, we will be into February, and I'll need to start my January pages of Project Life 2014. Wish me luck, and if you feel the inkling to start an album, by all means...your family will love it, and most importantly, so will you!

What I really wanna do

2014-01-18T14:28:00.000-08:00

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy researching and writing. It was fun, and I'll continue to do it because I basically have to continue what I started in order to build up my resume more. Plus, it is important to keep up with new discoveries in teaching if I am to stay in this field. However, for the past two years, I was dying to take some more online classes JUST FOR ME. Art Journaling, scrapbooking, digital techniques, etc. Opportunities to take classes kept passing me by, and I was only signing up for One Little Word because it required very little time to complete the assignments each month.

Now it is January 2014. I am 5 months out of grad school. My word for 2014 is SIMPLIFY. And, I am taking 3 online classes. Yup, three. Not quite good at the SIMPLIFY stuff yet.

First, I am taking One Little Word taught by Ali Edwards, as I wrote about in the previous post. I am planning to update my blog regarding my progress with this word, but please excuse me if I fail or don't show much progress. Something positive always comes out of these words of the year. My next post will be about January's assignment.

Second, I am taking Cathy Zielske's Move Well Eat Well Jumpstart, hosted by Big Picture Classes. Why complicate my life with something that looks like a diet? I don't know. Maybe it's because I am a die-hard fan of Cathy Z and hadn't taken any of her classes since the fall of 2010. I needed a good dose of her. Or maybe I wanted the jumpstart in January to get me back on track for my diet. I will update about my progress, but just FYI, this class is only one month long. After that, it's self-paced and I would only need to check in about once a month. For January though, the assignments are daily! However, they are not difficult, and I printed out the cards beforehand so I only have to find the right cards for each day, fill them out or journal on them, and then put them in the album. Easy peasy. The hard part is actually moving my body and eating well. Doesn't always happen in the same day. I am thinking about getting a FitBit because I am the kind of person who thinks that new technology will help me move my body and eat well. Yes, I admit that I am a sucker for technology.

Third, I am taking a course called The Gifts of Imperfection, taught by Brene Brown. If you don't know her, she is a researcher on human behavior, specializing in shame. Sound weird? This class was offered last November, and I really wanted to enroll, but there was an art journaling component. I knew nothing about art journaling. Then I was reminded that while in grad school, I had been hearing about art journaling off and on and had wanted to learn how to do it. I had promised myself to figure it out after grad school finished. This reminder led me to another class called hosted by A Beautiful Mess called Art Journal All Year, and I decided to enroll in that one instead. I'd been slowly working my way through the challenges since November. Then, just last week, the Brene Brown course was offered once again, due to its popularity, so I decided to take the plunge. Two friends in Japan also enrolled, so I am excited to share the experience with them.

Finally, about a year ago, one of these same friends recommended the books The Happiness Project and Happier at Home, both by Gretchen Rubin. We decided to start our own Happiness Project group and got a few other friends and acquaintances involved. It's a secret/closed Facebook group in which we share our monthly goals and then report back at the end of each month. In between, we discuss our minor successes and challenges regarding our progress and encourage each other along the way. Last year, my goals often related to my word for the year, MOVE. Each member was working on her own issues, and each one of us came out having learned something significant about ourselves by the end of the year. It's a small group, but it ties in quite well with the above 3 courses.

So, just for fun, I am planning to share my progress on this blog. The good and the bad. As my friend Louise says, this helps make us accountable for our actions throughout the year and it's a good record to look back on.

Word of the Year: SIMPLIFY

2014-01-06T00:28:00.001-08:00

Finally! I'm back in the saddle. After two years of graduate school and then nearly one year of thesis-researching and writing, I graduated with my Masters Degree in TESOL. Now, I can be proud of myself for achieving something I never thought possible while being married, working full-time and raising two children.

When I first began my graduate program in January of 2011, I decided to join Ali Edwards' class called One Little Word (offered at Big Picture Classes). In keeping with my new goals regarding grad school classes, I chose LEARN as my word. Indeed, I did learn a lot that year, not only about teaching methods and language acquisition, but also about my own strengths and capacity as a mother. Much of what I journaled about also included my daughter's attempts to learn to read and write. She was 4 at the time.

In 2012, I was half-way through grad school courses and I wanted a lighter word, so I chose SHINE. Shine was supposed to push me to my limits while helping me encourage others to shine. I did, but all this focus on studying and pushing myself resulted in a stark and undeniable weight-gain. By the midway point of 2012, I was over 200 pounds. Even my father voiced concern at my appearance when I took the kids on a trip to visit my parents in the States. I was also experiencing some health problems and was told to lose the weight or else. So, my existing burden became heavier, not only literally, but figuratively as well. The decision to study less and exercise more weighed on me. The possibility of getting sicker if I didn't start taking care of myself also weighed on me. Shine sort of lots its gleam, so to speak.

By 2013, I was ready to MOVE and through the help of Ali's One Little Word class, I attempted to find ways to incorporate the word MOVE into my lifestyle. Moving my body was not the only goal though. Moving through the process of proposing, researching and writing a thesis paper was also my goal for the year. Like any organized full-time working mother and student, I had a plan and I followed it to the T. Each month, I moved through the process while trying to fit in exercise whenever I could. In July, I decided my theme for the month would be the opposite of "move", and so "stillness" became my focus. It was supposed to be just for one month though. I had never been "still" before. I was always moving, like a ball in a pinball machine. My father had sent me a Kindle for Xmas the year before with an Amazon gift card that read "Take some time to just be still." I fell in love with "stillness". It became my crutch, my excuse for needing balance in my life. All of the goals and dreams that ran through my head, competing for attention, began slipping away. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I was way over-extended. After the thesis was submitted, and I was notified of my graduation, I reveled in the STILLNESS even more. My body was not used to this nor was my brain. But, since my goals and dreams had sort of slipped out of my head and gotten lost somewhere, I wasn't sure what to think or do. As for MOVE, I made every excuse not to go to the gym. Usually, all my new-found free time was filled in with work responsibilities. Sad, but true. I kept wondering how I had managed for the past 2 1/2 years. I also got sick for the first time in ages, and after not being able to eat for a week, I went back to food and forgot about my diet. You see, I had been making progress up to that point.

I don't blame STILLNESS for ruining the word MOVE for me. It didn't ruin it. Without MOVE, I am not sure I would have finished my thesis on time. (My friend says I would have because that's just the way I am though.) Without MOVE, there would be no STILLNESS. Sometimes, you need to accept the opposite of reality to force you to learn something new. I learned that balance is important, that stillness is important, not just to me, but also to my family. You see, they LOVE it when I sit down and cuddle with them to watch a movie or a favorite TV show. And friends too. My friends don't want to get together to go for runs or play tennis. They want to sit in coffee shops all afternoon and chat and gossip. (Bad friends, but I am right there with them!) No more ball in a pinball machine.

Now, that doesn't mean that I was considering BALANCE as my 2014 word. By December of 2013, the words that kept flashing in my mind were "Simple", Simplify", Simplicity". I craved simple, uncomplicated days. I felt completely overwhelmed. My to-do lists were starting to creep up on me again, my job was brimming with grading responsibilities, and my dreams and goals were starting to slip back into my brain, needling at it and crying for attention. Well-meaning friends were asking me about my job search, and I had to break it to them. I wasn't searching for anything. Our house was in chaos - this layer of chaos covered over the once carefully-organized structure I had arranged years ago. My kids needed more attention from me, and I wondered what would become of my relationship with my husband. It had been on the back-burner for the past 3 years, and I wondered if he still wanted anything from me or if he had long ago given up.

How could "Simplify" help me, help us, become a united family again?

My word for 2014 is SIMPLIFY. Where it shall lead, I know not, but it is the getting there that will be a fun adventure for us. And, Mama shall lead the way!

If you are interested in taking the One Little Word class with Ali Edwards, click on the link. There is also a closed/secret Facebook group for members of the class to share their work and communicate about their progress. It's a wonderful and inspiring atmosphere.

Things I Want to Do Once this durned Thesis is Written!

2013-05-14T05:55:00.000-07:00

For the past 2 1/2 years, I have postponed and forgotten about a lot things that I wanted to do. Now that I can see the light at the end of the long, dark graduate school tunnel, I want to start a list.

1. Read some Wally Lamb books.
2. Read some Paul Coelho books.
3. Join Craft n Chat again.
4. Re-organize some areas of the house again.
5. Move back into Master bedroom.
6. Redesign the veranda garden.
7. Bike to work every day!
8. Scrapbook, scrapbook, scrapbook.
9. Blog, blog, blog.
10. Turn some grad school papers into possible academic journal submissions.

Still on Hiatus...will be back some time this year.

2013-01-14T12:15:00.003-08:00

I never mentioned this last year, but I seemed to be taking a hiatus from my blog. This hiatus turned out to be longer than I had anticipated due to busy grad school and work schedules. I really love blogging and kept wanting to get back on it, but it just never happened. This month, I started my master's project, which is the final stepping stone to getting my master's degree. It will take several months to complete. Once that is finished, I can return to writing about normal topics that can be put on a blog. In the meantime, I am keeping a personal diary on Oh Life, which is going well, and I am still doing Project Life for scrapbooking, so at least I am documenting my and my family's life in some ways. The blog will just have to wait til later this year.