Works in Progess

2012-09-02T08:46:00.001-07:00

Finally, my routine has returned to something resembling normal. All the boy's clubs and activities have started up again and that gives me a more solid framework to fit my training around.

I decided that I needed a change of gym. I've been going to the same one for years now and I think it's definitely time to move on. I'll be trying out a few different places over the next couple of weeks and hopefully find one that I like and that inspires me to get stuck into some tough training. I think also not having people I know around me will help since there will be less distraction. When it comes to training, I'm a lone wolf all the way.

You might find that I'll be posting here more frequently in the coming weeks. There are things in the offing. This is always a time of year which I find energising and rejuvenating and I intend to make use of it.

The big excitement of this week is that I have a legend coming to stay (or should I say Leg End?) Can't wait! Trans Britain Taffy, I can't wait to see you. Got a hug right here with your name on it ;)

Sabotage

2012-08-26T15:50:00.001-07:00

I haven't blogged in ages. I have thought about it on occasion, I have even made a couple of half-hearted attempts but ultimately, my heart hasn't been in it so I haven't bothered. It's a blog with few readers - I'm effectively talking to myself so that itself shouldn't really matter but it does because it's an attitude that has pervaded other areas of my life and it's making me feel wretched.

I know the advantages of eating and training well and I have let these things slip due to crappy health problems and the restrictions of caring for my mother. This was stupid, or if not stupid, at least backwards. I should have made a priority of those things in order to sustain myself and enable me to care for my mother and carry on with the rest of my life. What I find is that when two or more parts of my personal puzzle get out of place (e.g. eating clean and training), everything else starts to slip. I am more prone to fatigue, injury, poor sleep patterns, PMT and negative thinking. Letting these things fall by the wayside is the psychological equivalent of digging myself a great big bloody hole and jumping in, there to wallow in pity in the darkness at the bottom.

I posted elsewhere that "I have forgotten the face of my father" because it's a quote that's been echoing around my head for days. In essence, it just means that I am not being true to myself and if that's the case, no wonder I feel so crap! I also appeared to have forgotten the flip side of my situation. That is, if a couple of pieces going astray throws things out of whack, reinstating those very things will start to reverse the process and allow everything else to fall back into place. It's wonderful in it's simplicity.

So tomorrow is the start of a detox. I need to get my liver all happy again and, I'm sure, great things will follow.

2012-06-30T13:58:00.002-07:00

I love this time of year. Plenty of inspiration from Wimbledon and the Tour de France and (sometimes) decent enough weather to get out there and train hard!

June is a bit of a double-edged sword though since it's also when school closes for the long summer holiday and nothing puts more of a crimp in your training schedule than having to keep a child entertained. Luckily, my boy is now big enough to do some training with me. It means adapting my routine and requires a little less rigidity from me but so long as I can keep active, I can stay sane. We played tennis this morning and he did some keepy-uppy (and pointed and laughed) while I did my hill sprints. The rest of today's training will have to wait till he is in bed. I'd be a liar if I said I didn't find that frustrating - I do! - but it's the best that's on offer at the moment. I cannot lift weights with him around. I have tried before and it was a miserable experience. I can't concentrate with someone talking at me the whole time. It's the same at the gym. During sets, the earphones go in, the gym face goes on and my headspace is my own. That's how I like it.

The clean eating is going well. I feel better already. It's something that continues to frustrate me - I know how much better I feel when I eat properly and yet I still go through phases where I don't and still manage to feel surprised when I feel like crap!
One of the few things that frustrates me about a high protein, low carb diet is the lack of crunch, or should I say crisp! I have a huge love of tortilla chips (hand me a big bowl of nachos and I'd be a happy girl) and I do miss those. I haven't yet found a replacement food which ticks all the same satisfaction boxes: savoury, spicy, crunchy, messy finger food. One thing that came close though are the cashew, walnut and sesame crusted chicken goujons we made. We scoffed them before we got a photo (oops) but they were surprisingly good. The nuts were crunchy on the outside,the chicken juicy inside and they held up well enough to repeated dippings in a bowl of homemade salsa. Win!

Kneehab is going to plan. I am woefully short on cardio fitness but no longer in daily pain so I can start to build that back up. Strangely, running uphill is more comfortable (for my knee, not my lungs) but hills do you good.

Just Keep Moving

2012-06-25T08:48:00.000-07:00

Injuries have left me feeling a bit blah lately and with the blah comes the slacking off on the clean eating front and the drinking of too much wine. Put it all together and what have you got? A miserable, lardy, slug of a woman and that ain't me! Enough is enough.

I'm not going to focus on running events as a way forward at the moment. A 5K run is enough to trouble my knee so there's no way I can put in enough miles to enable me compete in anything. I've tried pushing through and that only resulted in pain when cycling as well as on the run. I think the thing to do is to stop beating myself up about it and focus on other areas of health and fitness so that once I'm fully recovered I'll be strong enough to get back into running with only a reasonable level of discomfort ;)

Over the next 30 days, there will be no alcohol and clean eating is back on the cards. I'll be sticking to a schedule which gives me an 8 hour long eating window each day in a bid to eliminate the late night munchies. This means fasted cardio first thing, followed by a late breakfast around 11am and staying the hell out of the kitchen after 7pm. I will also be doing press ups, crunches and squats (100 each day). This is not meant to do anything other than focus my mind properly. It's not a task which will be particularly physically taxing. It's more about the routine and getting myself tuned in to my goals again.

At the end of the 30 days I should be well placed to crack on with my next goal!

Overdue

2012-06-04T20:49:00.000-07:00

Remember when you were a kid and you kept a diary or a journal? Yes? Good ... then you'll remember that you only ever had time to write in it when nothing was actually happening in your life. Turns out that blogging isn't much different!

There's a lot going on just now and I'm struggling to keep up with it all. I feel like everyone is getting a bit of a raw deal from me at the moment, like there isn't enough of me to go round. Ironically, there is plenty of me! Well, more than usual. Training-wise, I feel like this year has never really got off the ground. Running is being hampered at the moment by a niggly achilles (and the rest!) Unfortunately, it's also not comfortable when swimming. Time is hurtling on (apparently it's June already!) and I think I seriously need to re-assess what I'm going to manage race-wise. I'm not sure I'm in the right frame of mind to do that though. Currently, I'd just like to sack the whole lot off!

I won't do that but I do need to find a way forward and it's not clear to me just yet what that is going to be.

2012-05-03T13:57:00.000-07:00

As ever, this is not the post I thought I was going to be making. Further health problems mean that I've had to take another look at what events I've got lined up and try and make a reasonable decision about what I'm realistically going to be capable of. This means the 40 miler is most definitely out of the equation and I can focus on the Thunder Run instead. It is mercifully both further away and also not so huge a distance.

Strength training isn't so problematic but running has been difficult recently. I'm hopeful that things will soon be under control and I can get back to it. In the mean time, I'm eating as healthfully as I can, taking all my vitamins and supplements and resting. I have also factored in a bit of excitement and indulgence!

On Saturday we are flying over to Denmark for a few days ... for the opening of this year's Giro D'Italia. I'll have my boy with me for the bagging of swag (for some reason they prefer to give away goodies to the kids!) and I have been assigned the task of acquiring a certain autograph for my BIL, that of this chap, Ivan Basso:

Not sure of my chances to be honest. The weather forecast is not good and if it's cold or rainy, the cyclists tend to stay on the team buses and I don't blame them - these guys have no natural insulation against the cold! They do, however, have the most incredible tan lines known to man.

I'm also planning to take my boy for a wee day trip to Odense. Lots of pics of it here:
Pretty buildings this way

The choice of destination has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Odense is the base of one of the world's largest marzipan manufacturers: yum

As Mr Young used to say ...

2012-04-22T14:46:00.000-07:00

... we're cooking with gas! Literally and metaphorically. I should perhaps point out that Mr Young was my high school Physics teacher. He was awesomely uncool and gave precisely zero f*cks about it. He used make us do lots of experiments with lasers so he could 'helpfully' puff on his pipe in class thus creating smoke so we could see the beams more clearly. He had many a naff catchphrase, one of which was: "We're cooking with gas!" He was, in short, rather ace and I was always very fond of him.

This week, I have been doing a whole lot of cooking. I haven't yet got over my fatigue issues. I have also eaten a lot more carbs than usual over the past few months. I know from previous experience that the two are not unrelated so last weekend I managed to smack myself in the head with a clue by four, decided to go back to my paleo-esque type of eating and what do you know, within days I was feeling brighter and more alert. I'm sticking with it from now on. Foccacia is like crack to me - enjoyable but ultimately just not worth it. It's not worth going there. This means I have had to be a bit more organised with my weekly shop but that's no bad thing. I quite like planning out my meals for the week. I enjoy food immensely and I look forward to all my meals so I quite like knowing when I wake up on Wednesday morning that I will be tucking into cashew and walnut crusted chicken later that night.

For me, this type of eating involves a breakfast that is more typically Scandinavian - proteins and salad rather than cereal - a lunch that usually involves an elaborate omelette and a dinner of fish/meat and veg. Sweetness comes in the form of sweet potatoes/yams and fruit (either before or after training). Oh, and protein pancakes! For me this type of eating works because it is mindful in that I have to plan ahead a little but I don't ever obsess about it. I don't have any wild cravings and, importantly for me, I feel I can eat a decent quantity of food. I don't like to feel that I'm going without!

As well as cleaning up my diet, I've been cleaning up my personal life too. I feel better for it and I now have something which has been missing for most of 2012:

Not to get too hippy about it but there's been a lot of hand holding and a sense of moving forward together. There's a kind of special synergy about at the moment and that means a lot to me. I tend to cut myself off when things are rough and, for the first time, I am really not doing that ... and it's okay :)

I've also introduced a new element to my strength training and I am loving it! We're going for the full on Strongest Man approach. More on that next time but for now, all I will say is Farmer's Walk - oof!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

2012-04-07T18:11:00.000-07:00

I'm easing myself slowly, oh so slowly, back into training and it's amazing the difference that it has made to my outlook. Just getting my body moving is calming my mind. It's like I've been away and am now coming back into myself. It's a huge relief but it has made me aware that I rely far too heavily on my training as a source of confidence and as a coping mechanism.

The fact is that stressful things will happen anyway and I need to have a bit more in my response arsenal than simply running, cycling, swimming and strength training. There are mental reminders that I need and physical things that I can do but most of all I need to remember that there are options!

I think it's easy to get bogged down in the day to day stuff you have to do, sometimes to the point where you forget what the things you actually enjoy are. This means any chill out time you get to yourself is often wasted and the stress mounts. There are lots of things which I enjoy and I'm trying to remind myself of that. During hard times, I withdraw and end up as a hard little ball of unfeelingness, a little stone, a kernel which is part of me but not the full story. It takes work to reawaken the rest, I forget that I am capable of feeling more, of being more. The pathways back to yourself are not always complex, momentum can be sparked by the smallest of things; a book, a film, making something, just being with people. I won't lie, I have had an absolutely foul week but in amongst it all, I have gathered some things to me which will help me in the next few days:

Reading Bath-time reading is The Catcher in the Rye. All other reading has been supplied in digital format by the lovely and generous Taff-man. Thank you sweetie :)

Watching I treated myself to a Hitchcock boxset. I still have some Twin Peaks to watch and there has been some proper anime geekage with the boy. I have to confess also to the watching of cheesy horror flicks! Shamed as I am to admit it, I have also been watching far too many re-runs of America's Next Top Model. It's my guilty secret.

Doing I've been cooking up a storm. We're mildly obsessed with Italian and Spanish food at the moment so there has been paella and a whole lot of tapas, gnocchi, focaccia and pasta as far as the eye can see. Everything features either olives (sorry Neil!), chorizo or both. I have a huge appetite at the moment but only for savoury things and generally, the hotter the better. We had Mexican food for dinner tonight at Pancho Villas and I scoffed all the stuffed jalapenos. They were lovely. Mind you, our very non-trad Easter meal will be chickpea curry - love it! I've also been getting stuck back into some more crafty/artistic endeavours.

The head stuff I guess this is where I often get stuck. I have a tendency to blame myself when things go wrong but this week has opened my eyes a bit. There has been a difficult situation going on for a while now and the longer it went on, the more worthless I felt. This week, I brought it to a close completely. I was tolerating things which made me feel horrendous simply because I was too conscious of not wanting to give offence, of wanting to remain civil, of trying to make things easier for everyone. In the end, it wasn't worth the effort and in all these months spent feeling progressively worse about myself what it comes down to is that at worst, I am guilty of poor judgement and naivety. The older I get, the more straightforwardly I present myself - this is me, some bits are kind of crappy and I have my faults but overall, I'm a decent person. It simply didn't occur to me that someone could get to my age and have such a lack of insight about themselves and their behaviour. Surely the rest of us gave up blaming the world for our own faults by the time we left our teens? Ultimately though, freeing myself from this situation has left me feeling better than I have in months.

It's also given me the conviction that I need to stay single (and celibate) for the near future. I want to get my fitness back on track, focus on getting my nutrition qualification and a million other things. This means complicated relationship nonsense has to go on the back burner for a while. Priorities!

Friends

2012-03-25T16:14:00.000-07:00

I have been faffing about writing things and deleting them for days. I'm loathe to post something entirely miserable but I have been feeling very out of sorts. I'm somewhat adrift without my training because, of course, it is more than just running/cycling/swimming/weight training. It's my stress relief and my therapy, it's what keeps me going and gives me a focus. My body no longer feels like my own but, on the plus side, I feel like I am properly on the road to recovery now. I still have a lot of fatigue but my skin has lost that grey tinge and I'm slowly gaining some weight back. That's started to normalise things for me a little and my mood has definitely started to pick up again. I find myself making plans for later in the season and thinking ahead. I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't worried about the amount of fitness I've lost - no conditioning whatsoever, muscle loss, zero cardio capability! I'm going to be running on sheer grit and determination till I get back into shape.

Physical stuff aside, my confidence has taken a hell of a knock. I guess I hadn't realised how much of my self-esteem was tied up in being "strong". Worse, I worry that this affects how other people view me. I don't want to be seen as weak. It has not been helped by a couple of friends who have really not been there for me at all. It saddened me and made me question myself at a time when I was already very much in doubt. That said, most people have been beyond fabulous looking out for me and helping out where they can and I've been really touched by that. Alas, it does make the fair weather friends look even worse in comparison. I suspect that ultimately it says a lot more about them than it does about me but, hard as I am on myself, my instinct is to see it as poor judgement on my behalf. Like I'm a fool for thinking they were ever going to be capable of better. I suspect the reality is that they are just full of it! Whatever the case is, it's up to me how I respond to it and how I deal with it. I am only responsible for my own actions and I can only interact with people in a way that feels genuine to me. I want nothing more to do with people who only want to know me when I'm up and strong and oozing positivity. There will always be ups and downs and if everything happens to be falling apart, I'm not going to lie and say I feel fabulous just to save someone else a moment of discomfort, especially when it generally takes very little to make me feel better. A text, a hug, a crap joke, a distraction - the work of seconds but worth a whole lot more to me.

It's also made me think more about how I treat other people. I have a tendency to shut myself away when things get a bit tough. My best friend had a very frank conversation with me about this very thing! There was lots of crying and hugging ... and more crying.
Logically I know that the unknown is scarier and induces more anxiety than knowing what you are dealing with, no matter how crappy that may be. I didn't have enough insight to apply it to my own strategies though. I have a tendency to batten down the hatches and then reappear when I'm feeling better. Somehow it did not occur to me wonder what everyone else is left thinking when I suddenly drop off the radar. I'm kind of embarassed at how short-sighted I've been there but I'm lucky that Eilidh had the balls to discuss it with me. I guess what I thought of as keeping my head down looks, from the other side, very much like me shutting people out. So I have spent a bit of time writing a few letters and emails to friends, getting back in touch with people who I may have shut out. It's strange and it's probably one of the more awkward and scary tasks I have assigned myself but I do feel better for it. I probably sound like a 12-Stepper but there's definitely something worthwhile about taking responsibility for yourself, about owning your own shit. We don't always behave impeccably and I don't believe we have to. What I do believe is that we should act with honesty and compassion, with integrity and empathy as far as we are able. You don't have to be perfect ... but you do need to have the balls to admit when you're wrong, to be open to others' opinions and to apologise when you cock things up. I've said a couple of apologies this week and in doing so, have let go of a whole load of negative crap that was cluttering up my head. I still have work to do (as always) but it's a relief to be moving forward rather than staying mired in the past.

If nothing else, it's keeping me occupied till training resumes :)

A Bump in the Road

2012-02-29T05:50:00.000-08:00

I've been searching for a quote to start this entry. Lots of them came to mind focusing on things like dealing with the unexpected, courage under duress, all that kind of jazz. Ultimately though, it comes down to something simpler, this from Aesop:

Slow and steady wins the race

That is what I have to bear in mind over the coming weeks.

Regular readers will know what my plans were for this year and what events I was training for. It has all been thrown into disarray by a serious bout of illness. I am now (finally!) back resting at home but I will have a long road back to regain my previous levels of fitness. I am not allowed to train at all for at least another two weeks and truthfully, I am okay with that. I have constant fatigue and I know that right now, I'm not capable of any kind of exertion. Getting dressed would be a big ask, actually moving at speed an impossibility! The only tasks I have assigned myself for the immediate future are a) getting as much rest as I can and b) putting back on the weight I've lost while ill. I'm down to 49kg and at 5ft 7, that is not a good look. I need to recharge and rebuild. I'm making no decisions yet about the events I've entered. I'll need to just wait and see how I progress.

I am not very good at being patient with myself but I am lucky enough to have plenty of friends who have no problem telling me when I'm being ridiculous and trying to get ahead of myself. For once in my life, I should probably just sit my ass down and take the telling (and let them make the most of it because it will all come to an abrupt end as soon as I'm better!)

I want to say thank you for the support that I've received. I am not a good patient and truthfully, this whole experience has shaken me quite badly. It's not that I'm exactly embarassed about what's happened but it doesn't sit very comfortably with me. Being weak and having to lean on other people is hard and my instinct is just to keep my head down and hide away so I don't have to deal with it. So thank you to those who were unwilling to put up with my avoidant BS and continued to reach out and support me. It means a lot and I appreciate it very much indeed. But you do know that you will be repaid by my hectoring you into doing horrible challenges as soon as I'm better, right?

Reboot

2012-01-29T16:02:00.000-08:00

There has been no running whatsoever since I aborted Wednesday's LSR attempt at mile 6. I had 14 on the schedule but even I can recognise when carrying on is pure folly. So I have rested ... in my own fashion! I've racked up a double digit week timewise on the bike for the first time in a mighty long time. I will confess that time and weather constraints mean that probably 5 hours of that was indoor cycling. For the rest of that time, I freed my bike from the turbo and made the most of the frost free conditions. I had a child free weekend (thank you Scout camp) so I even managed a nice ride out to Loch Lomond. This one: http://www.sustrans.org.uk/assets/files/leaflets/CLYDE%20LOCH%20LOMOND%202004.pdf

There aren't many nicer places to stop and have your flapjack and chocolate milk.

It's a decent enough route - dedicated cycle paths all the way from the city centre except for a short stretch when you pass through Dumbarton - and just gets prettier the further you go. From the grimness of Clyde-side through to the splendour of Loch and Ben Lomond. It looks a little something like this (not my pic - my hands were too numb to take photos!)

There's a stunning pic of it here too but I can't link. It's beautiful! Go check it out. http://www.flickriver.com/groups/1184068@N23/pool/interesting/

It's my longest ride outside in quite some time and although I have been spinning and turbo training all winter, I can feel the effects of a proper ride. DOMS in everything from my calves to my glutes, my core to my triceps (I do hills like Djamolidine Abdoujaparov did sprints - Tashkent Terrier coming through, give me a wide berth!) I love a bit of DOMS so no complaints there but it does make me wonder slightly about the different impact of indoor vs outdoor training. Outdoor is clearly better for a multitude of reasons - how many indoor races do I do? how much better does it feel to get a daily dose of vitamin D? - but time-wise, indoors makes a lot of sense. I can't leave my child home alone for an hour while I nip out on the bike but I can certainly spend an hour or so on the turbo once he's in bed. It made me wonder if I should be upping the intensity of my indoor sessions, or at least trying to replicate an outdoor ride more accurately. For me turbo sessions are fairly well regulated: timed intervals or pyramid sessions working through the gears. Perhaps I should employ a more casual sort of fartlek principle? Hills outside aren't regulated after all and if you come across one, well you just have to get up the damn thing whatever it takes.

I have also dedicated more time to yoga this week (clearly I needed it - talk about tight!) and I have recommitted to my strength regime. I will admit that I had scaled my strength training back. I have several disciplines to master and many miles and hills to conquer - extra weight (be it muscle or fat) is not particularly welcome at this point. But truthfully, I feel like I'm being unfaithful to myself if I don't do it. I just don't feel like me. Putting in more miles on the bike has made my legs more muscular again and that is a truly welcome return to form. Regardless of what size I am, softness is just not me (and I don't care if that's what guys like - I do not). I need my muscles. When I have done the endurance thing to death, I fully intend to compete as a figure athlete. Genetically, I am not gifted with the ability to run fast or to go long distances. Anything I achieve there is purely due to slog and sweat. Figure training however - I am the right build, I have good proportions and I don't find it difficult to put on muscle. In terms of genetics, I am far better suited to that. However, it's one of the few physical arenas where age is not a disadvantage. There are frankly amazing female figure athletes all the way up to women in their sixties and seventies. One of the few areas where age is not a barrier to success. It can wait till I've dispatched some other business first. In the mean time, there is some serious work being done ... and it's boosted my mood by a good 50%. It's me. It's what I need to do. I will have my body back the way I want it and that will give me the confidence I need to do anything else.

Splish splash

2012-01-26T14:09:00.000-08:00

A post about swimming!

I should preface this by saying that I actually really enjoyed today's pool session and I do love being in the water. I just get a bit frustrated sometimes. To me, slogging my guts out usually equals success (eventually) and with swimming, this is not yet the case.

I had a really useful session today. The pool was surprisingly quiet and, for once, I actually had someone with me to take a good look at what I'm doing. As ever, it was not quite what I think I'm doing. My left leg has a slightly different agenda to my right. This is not a surprise to me but it's something that I have to always bear in mind. If I'm swimming breast stroke, my left leg corkscrews horrendously. It's less pronounced in freestyle thankfully but that's the side which fatigues more quickly and it signals this with a nice bout of cramp in the foot. The only way I've found to ease this is to not allow myself to slack on the pool time and just keep plugging away. Let the cramp subside and get straight back at it ... and then make sure to not skip any pool sessions. Essentially it's a case of thrashing it into submission. That lessens the number of cramping episodes at least but I suspect the old left leg will always be a bit wayward!

Lately the trouble has been that of the three triathlon disciplines, if I'm short on time the swim session is the one that's liable to get cut. I can jump on the spinner at home or throw on some runners and just head out the door. Swimming requires more time, even just in terms of getting to a pool (and making sure there are lanes available - ggrrrrr!) and then getting changed. I have decided that missing the odd swim session is something that could be avoided with some better organisation on my part. So, this week, I start on a new improved training schedule!

I couldn't find a decent sized wall planner (who knew they'd be so hard to get hold of) so I have hijacked one my son got free with his Nintendo magazine. I may well be the only (would be) triathlete around with a Pokemon schedule pinned up on the wall but the important thing is that it's all there now in black and white (and red ... with pokeballs) so it will get done. I always find that I have better success sticking to things that I've written down by hand. I've had schedules on excel, things I've tapped into the calendar on mobile phone etc but the ones that stick are the ones where I've the old pen and paper approach. Forges stronger connections in the old brain I think. Let's hope so and there will be no more skiving the swim. To be honest, I am looking forward to better weather so I can get into my wetsuit and do a bit of open water swimming. In the mean time, I will have to put my grumpiness aside and carry on with the pool sessions though I have yet to completely suss out what times of day the pools are less full of idiots. It seems to be never.

A few days later ....

I wrote all that several days ago. Since then, it appears that my hip has decided to leave my body through the nearest exit (except there isn't one so it's just going to bust it's way out). Well, that's what it feels like. I am not a professional of course, so it's not an exact diagnosis ;) I can still swim and the bike feels pretty much okay but, for the time being, running is out. I could pretend that I'm okay with this but I'm not, I'm really not - I am royally pissed off. Running is cathartic in a way that nothing else is and with everything that's going on right now, I need that outlet. Still, I am trying to be sensible because I want this sorted as soon as possible and doing what I'm really tempted to do (i.e. run through it) would cause far more problems further down the line. I need to borrow some patience from somewhere.

My boy will be away all weekend at the Scout's extreme winter camp so, with a weekend all to myself, I had big training plans in mind. I even turned down a date for Friday night because I wanted to be bright eyed and bushy tailed on Saturday. Okay, that was not the only reason but it was a factor ... as was just not being arsed (who says romance is dead?) I truly have no idea what I will do instead ... but I'm guessing it won't involve housework! The weather is going to be too awful for going out on the bike. Maybe I'll stick on some super-padded shorts and see if I can turbo my way through a film trilogy (though perhaps not the extended editions of The Lord of the Rings)

Already?!

2012-01-20T15:25:00.000-08:00

I wasn't planning on another post just yet but ...

Today I ran over thirteen miles. In the grand scheme of things, that's no big deal ... except that it's by far the furthest I've run in quite a some time and I really enjoyed it. For all that I may spend a bit of time on a running forum, my running itself is really sporadic. Training-wise there are other things which I would rather do and my runs get shoe-horned in around that. That allows me to keep up a fairly decent running base when there are no upcoming races but lately, that's been about it.

Of course, I'm well aware that I need to get a few miles in my legs (okay, more than a few!) so I decided a couple of days ago that I would head out for a nice LSR today. My tactic when aiming for distance has always been to choose a new route. I find running the same routes frequently can be tough mentally. My usual 5K route for example; I know that, without fail, I will feel like walking before I've got halfway. I don't but that's the mental battle I'm fighting most of the way. With an unknown route, I won't know when the hard parts are coming and I don't know if there are any bits which may defeat me. Since I don't know, I rather optimistically assume that I can do it and, what do you know, I can. In retrospect, it's probably just as well that I hadn't checked today's route out in advance ... or I would have noticed that the first seven miles were all uphill. Hey ho.

As well as getting the miles in, another thing that I really need to work on is taking fuel on board during the run. It's not something I've ever really done. I experimented with a sports drink once on a training run before a half marathon race. All I got for my trouble was instant heartburn and a visit from my old mate Jimmy Smits (you do the rhyme). I had porridge with a banana in the morning and turned up for the race with a bottle of water and that did me fine. I had a small moment of doubt when I saw almost everyone else (i.e. everyone except the bloke standing having a fag and the guy who was running in jeans and converse baseball boots) armed to the teeth with gels. Kind of like the sports nutrition version of this:

... without the gun (or the apparent stick in the ass).

I think if you eat well as a rule and make sure of your carb intake in the couple of days before the race, there's no need for added extras during a half. Forty miles on the other hand? That will require fuelling. Since it's something I know I may struggle with, I'm introducing it as early as I can to maximise my chances of getting used to it. I have (as ever) been doing my research and a popular food item for ultras is Battenburg cake which just happens to be one of my most adored things ever to shove in my mouth. I love it!

There's something about the sponge and the squares and the colours and the marzipan - love it!!! It has been one of my favourites since I was a little girl so I'm taking this as a sign that me and ultras are made for each other.

In the realm of getting used to things, the final component of today's run was that I wore my back pack. It's not uncomfortable by any means but it's also not something I'd choose to wear if I thought I didn't have to. It did allow me to be very prepared however. I packed: two mini Dairy Milks, a flapjack and a banana, my phone, an MP3 player, a spare pair of gloves, an extra jacket, some money and my travel pass. I had no idea where exactly I would end up so I thought I might end up getting a bus back home (which I did). Strangely, no one sat next to me as I sat there in my soaking wet, sweaty clothes with salt crusting my face, blue-lipped, scoffing my banana and glugging chocolate milk. I needed the jacket and gloves because I get horribly, horribly cold after any run over ten miles. I did not need the MP3 player. Sometimes I train with music, today I was happy enough to just let my mind wander and I had plenty of time to think. I feel like I processed a whole lot of stuff that's been preying on my mind this week.

I also thought a lot about various people that I feel connected to and while I'm not a deeply spiritual person as such, there was a long period during the run where I just felt really fortunate to be out there, to have a body that is capable of feats of endurance, to be moving in a way that feels absolutely right and to know that I am lucky enough to have people in my life who get what that feels like and don't disapprove of my nuttiness. In short, my mind stilled ... and I was content.

I almost want to leave it there but I have more to say. Damn, there goes my big poetic finish! One of the other things I was doing during the run was visualising myself in the races I'm entering this year. Positive visualisation! I've been doing this on the bike as well (can't seem to do it in the pool ... yet). I also realised that while I think I'm merely urging myself on in my head, given the strange looks I was getting it would appear that I actually do talk to myself out loud. That might not be quite so bad were it not for the fact that I refer to myself by a nickname - bye bye dignity!

I'm also a bit clearer on what other strength and conditioning work I want to maintain while I'm training for this year's races. I am cutting my strength training to mainly bodyweight exercises and one free weights session a week and I'll also be making sure that I don't shirk my core work. As I started to tire today, I noticed a couple of areas of weakness (will be interesting to see how my adductors feel in the morning!) but nothing drastic. Anyway, it was a positive sort of day and I feel a bit better about the upcoming season ... and about things in general.

Shoring it up

2012-01-19T11:21:00.000-08:00

Let's try again, shall we, and hope that the craptastic weather doesn't take out the power supply this time! I spent ages working on the most awesome post last night but it was cruelly snatched away and taken to the land of "shoulda saved sooner dumbass" so I bring you this offering instead.

There is a lot going on right now. It feels like someone's taken the contents of my head and given them a good shake around like a snow globe. When it settles, it'll be dandy but in the meantime chaos ensues! It's not helped by an astonishing number of petty little disasters happening on a daily basis - things (all manner of things) breaking, punctures, being late, sleeping poorly, ridiculous nose bleeds, forgetting stuff, unexpected expenses, niggly injuries. All very little things but there's always that moment when it starts to feel like the universe is waging a war of attrition against you. For the record, I don't think it is but I certainly feel like I could do with a holiday ... and it's still only January!

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom"

That quote is from Viktor Frankl, the author of Man's Search For Meaning. It sums up some of the things I've been thinking about lately. I've been doing a whole lot of reading, a lot of it about sports pyschology. Physical training is by it's nature tangible and I've got a handle on that - the way I train my body is usually decent preparation for any given event. What I do not yet have a good grasp of is the mental side of competing. I have things that I say in my head to urge myself on in training, I know how to push myself. What I don't yet know is how my mind will respond to new race events, all of which this year have ever increasing numbers of variables at play. I quoted Frankl because the idea that we can choose our response appeals to me. While I am undoubtedly a thoughtful creature and given to ruminating, I am also impulsive, prone to tantrums and following gut instincts which regularly get me into trouble. If I get into difficulties in a race, I don't currently know which side of me will prevail - I might pull myself together and overcome but I just as easily might sit myself down at the side of the road and cry or perhaps throw all my toys out of the pram. There is value in keeping a cool head. The best example I can think of here is Chrissie Wellington; to get a puncture, cock up with your CO2 and keep it together enough to fix things and still go on to win the race? That is impressive and it's an attitude which I think is worth trying to emulate. So, in addition to the physical training, I will be continuing with my reading and giving the mental side of things a little more respect. I don't imagine that I will ever win a race (outside of school sports days) but I do need to come out of it feeling that I did my best. We're talking self respect here (though if glory does happen to come my way, I won't say no). Aside from that, I do really enjoy reading about sports psychology ... and so, the pile of books by the bed continues to grow!

Soon to be joining the pile is this little beauty which I have on pre-order:

Of course I want to read it but it was also part of a (very minor, honestly) online splurge. That was step one in my five point stress-reduction plan - to get myself a little treat.

Step two: some of the things which are currently troubling me are outwith my hands, so I'm going to go right ahead and ignore them. I'm not advocating avoidance as a life tactic though so I will be trying to address the ones that I can perhaps do something with. Sleep deprivation is my main issue I think. I am constantly tired, my training is suffering, as is my recovery and my appetite and I'm starting to feel at odds with myself and the rest of the whole world. It's no good and the effects are cumulative so it needs dealing with sooner rather than later. To this end, I am going to give ZMA a try. It can't hurt. Most of my research on it has turned up very positive responses both as an aid to sleep and in terms of helping muscle recovery. I found a few cases which showed no response to it and really quite a large number of people who reported extremely vivid and highly sexualised dreams while using ZMA. As side effects go, I have zero problem with this - if I'm dreaming, I'm sleeping and dream sex is better than no sex whatsoever ;)

Step three: keep moving forward. I have to confess while things are very hectic right now, it is mostly my doing. I have my big mega goal in mind and in order to get there, I need to get on with a number of things. Impatient as I am, I have launched myself upon a few different things at once. I know from past experience that it only hurts to start with and once I get a bit of momentum going, I'll be fine. Until that point, I need to just grit my teeth and keep going. Eyes on the prize, as they say.

Step four: accepting opportunities. Putting my big plan into action is going to require a bit of financing so this means it's time to get saving. Like most of us, I don't often have a whole lot of spare cash to fling around so I've been having a think about ways to raise some extra cash. I'm good with my hands and quite a crafty sort (we're talking hand crafts, not cunning) and I used sell the things I made at craft fairs, via commission etc. I stopped doing so because a lot of the textile art I was selling at the time was very personal and I felt horribly exposed at craft fairs, sitting there while people looked and judged. However, I had been thinking about maybe going back to it. The money would be useful and the repetitive nature of hand crafts is very soothing and therapeutic when your head is in a jumble. As luck would have it, I got a phone call this morning offering me studio space (for free!) I have been on the waiting list for this studio literally for years. It's part of an art co-op and they have great links with a lot of the local galleries so it would be stupid to say no, especially when I had been toying with the idea anyway. I do feel like a bit of a fraud on this one (me, an artist?) but the offer was made via a committee decision so I guess I might have a smidge of talent. That, or I was up against some real losers ...

Step five: EAT!!!!! This is a priority at the moment. My appetite tends to go bye bye when I'm stressed. Partly I just don't feel hungry but I also just get really absent minded about it. Case in point, today I made dinner for the two of us. Only discovered when the timer went off that the food was not cooked because the oven has died. Went to stick it in the microwave instead, opened the door ... and discovered my lunch still in there. I had made it but not got around to eating it and I hadn't even noticed. I can't afford to be missing meals. Running on empty is not a useful thing. So even if I have to write all my meals down on my daily to do list, I will make sure I eat properly.

Keeping on top of small things like this is the best way for me to navigate the currently very choppy waters of my life. I will extend my craptastic metaphor a little further and say that I am hoping for a return to smoother sailing soon. In the mean time, I'll just keep pootling along and hope that my body co-operates with me (though I think it might be time to take the old girl in for an MOT).

Thinking a bit bigger

2012-01-14T16:22:00.000-08:00

It's well known that I like a bit of a challenge! Truth be told, I don't think I've ever taken the easy route to anything in my life. I like to go the hard and painful road, it's just the way my psyche works. I think what I'm searching for is not the ability to say, for example, "I managed three sets of 100 press ups." It's more the personal knowledge that it was really fucking hard but I pulled through it. That's what I admire, that's what I'm after. Not necessarily the achievement itself but having the physical and mental fortitude to tough it out and the psychological power you can draw from that. I suppose that's why endurance sports have always appealed to me. I think it's also why I have a bit of a thing about The Biggest Loser!

I have to confess that I watch both the US and Australian versions religiously (and sometimes the UK one but I have far less interest in that now that Angie Dowds has gone). I cry my way through several episodes during Tuesday turbo sessions. It's phenomenal to see the amount of weight they lose and insane to consider the amount of training they have to do, especially given that some of these guys weigh two or even three times what I do. But what really gets me, and it's particularly well illustrated in the Aussie version, is the whole mental turn around. They come to the end of the series feeling like champions, believing in themselves and in their ability to go out into the world and make the life that they want happen. I don't have the weight to lose so I will not ever go on that particular journey but it does get me thinking about what I could do to forge a little more faith in myself. What could I do that would actually impress and inspire me? Because I am by far my harshest critic and that's no use. If I want my life to start going in a better direction (and I do), I need to be my biggest cheerleader. I need to be able to talk myself up instead of doing myself down. I guess I thought positive self talking was innate and I was thus screwed! Actually, if it's a learned and acquired skill then I could well be in business. It's a most heartening realisation.

I had a bit of a revelation this past week. All that up there? None of that is news to me. I know where I'm at mentally, I just haven't been able to find the key to solving that problem. My epiphany is likely not the key either but it might well be the first stepping stone towards it. My week started badly, very very badly ... to the point where I think I spent virtually all of Tuesday in tears: I cooked - I cried, I ran - I cried, I went to spin - I cried. Not good. It was a bad day. But in the midst of it, someone was there for me and I leaned on them a little bit and it helped. Not only did it help but the ground didn't crack open and swallow me whole, I didn't explode into a million tiny pieces, the world did not end. As with many things, I am good at supporting and motivating other people but not so good at accepting it in return. Clearly this is stupid. If one of my friends is sad, tired, in need of a hug etc I have no issue stepping up to the plate. If I'm thinking of someone, I'm happy to send them a note or a message just to let them know that they're in my thoughts but it's not something that I expect to be reciprocated. I just like to do it. Maybe I have been really dumb in not allowing people to do it for me. You know where I'm going with this, right? Yep.

"No man is an island"

Turns out that I am not either. The tide has changed and lo and behold, a causeway has been revealed. I have a few challenges on the table for this year and one of them is to let myself be helped a bit more. I am an absolute horror for insisting on doing things on my own. I think part of that was borne of necessity and part is simply the single parent paranoia of needing to look capable and showing that you are able to do without anyone else. But you know what? I have done every single thing myself for the past 12 years so I think I can safely relax in the knowledge that I am capable. I don't have anything else to prove to myself on that score. I think that by letting people in a bit more, I might achieve far greater things. That's the challenge I've set myself - to take help when it's offered, to accept the support of my like-minded buddies, to allow myself to be encouraged by others. In short, to stop being such a ridiculous asshole of a woman ;)

With this in mind, I have allowed myself to be persuaded into entering a 40 mile charity run in May. I do not expect that I will run the whole way (indeed, I do not intend to) but I do intend to cross that finish line. It may well be ugly but I won't be on my own (I don't need to be on my own - my mind is blown). That, so much as achieving the distance, will be the real victory for me.

So 2012 is now looking something like this:

K2B 40 miler - it's a scary long way!
Thunder Run - trail running, yay! Camping, yay! Meeting lots of people, a scary yay!
VLT - just don't think about the swim ...
3 x 100 press ups: reboot - it's worse the second time because I know what's coming

and last but not least, opening the frigging door a crack and letting people in - might even be harder than the swimming ... nah!

A new synergistic approach - bring it!

Shark Girl - Needs Bigger Pond

2012-01-05T19:17:00.000-08:00

aka "Will these hands ne'er be clean?"

It's not always easy to judge other people's motives. Sometimes even my own are obscured and it takes me a while to figure them out. More than once I have compared myself to Zaphod Beeblebrox because there are things hidden in my brain and the dastardly fiend that hid them is none other than myself. However, a life unexamined is not the life for me (as long time readers of this blog will know!) I have friends who, on the surface, seems to do loads in their lives and yet I see them making the same mistakes over and over again because they never look at why something didn't work out or how exactly they cocked things up. They never stop to analyse if there's something that's within their power to change to increase the chances of a positive outcome next time. Self examination can be a useful tool, when used correctly.

Stagnation

In recent months I have done the opposite; I have become weighed down by the process of trying to decipher what I need to do to move forward in my life. I have examined myself to a stand still. This is not good news. I am like a shark* - if I don't keep moving I will die. There are many things that I want but I was scared to fully embark on any of my chosen paths. Why? I am indecisive by nature, this is true, but it is also a cop out. When I really want something, I can damn well go after it. In fact, there are some things that I have pursued recently and they all have one thing in common. They take me away from here. For however long a period, they let me escape my current living situation. When I looked at that from the other angle I realised that the thing that was truly holding me back from training for a new career was not an inability to decide whether I wanted to be a PT/sports therapist/writer/nutrionist/hula dancer/whatever. The great big obstacle is that I don't want to train and put the effort into building a business here. I don't want to invest in this place. Short term, I can just about deal with living here but let's be honest. It depresses the absolute crap out of me. If I go for a run to lift my spirits after a hard day or as a nice wake up first thing in the morning, I don't want to have to spend the first few miles dodging broken glass, dog crap and pools of vomit before I get to some greenery. I do not want to be here.

Smallness not required

It's not just the physical or economic nature of my surroundings that grate. It's also the mentality of the people. I studied literature at university, mostly English lit but also some Scottish and the character of the Scot was discussed at great length on many an occasion. A lot of it was twaddle, as undergrad poseur ideas often are, but some it rings true. We can be an insular bunch ... and those who aren't don't hang around. They leave. I left and I should never have come back. Glaswegians are a proud people but I don't feel that sense of pride in my birthplace. It feels like some giant cuckoo brought me from elsewhere and sneaked me into a wee Glaswegian nest. It feels to me like this is not the place for people with big dreams. This is the place for people who will be content with a small life. There is nothing wrong with that. Contentment is something I still dream about achieving but I know deep down that my contentment will not come from zumba with the girls on Friday, lunch at Weatherspoons with my boys on a Saturday and standing on the touch line in the pissing rain cheering my man on in some bloody game of five-a-side on a Sunday morning, every week from now until the four horsemen come galloping.

I recently ended a relationship. I did not utter the words "It's not you, it's me" but that was very much the case. Why else would you finish with someone who is kind, funny, good at the things that matter (you know what I mean) and who treats you like a goddess? What sort of arse would do that? This sort of arse, that's who. He was happy with so little and at first I thought that was kind of sweet, and then it rankled occasionally and I began to suspect that long term, it would really begin to grate. I'm not talking about material things, they do not matter to me. I'm talking about the fact that he had no ambition, no desire to be better, to improve himself. I am no Lady Macbeth but I need someone with a bit of fire in his belly and, more importantly, someone with the vision and imagination to know that there are better things out there to work towards and the drive to have a shot at it. It's not success I'm looking for so much as the desire. I could not see myself in it for the long haul with a guy who wanted nothing more when he finished work than to pop home and get his slippers on every single night. Predictability is also not for me. When it comes to child-rearing and training schedules, I am all for routine. Otherwise, hit me with some spontaneity, go wild, do something different, keep me on my toes ... even if you annoy me occasionally! I would rather be annoyed than bored.

So I finished with him. I knew from past experience that I would struggle to stay with a nice guy and I needed to stop it before it went any further. As a measure of just how nice he really is, he sent me a lovely letter shortly after I ended it telling me how wonderful I was and wishing me all the best for the future. I have to be honest, it was far more than I deserved. Shark that I am, once my mind is made up I go for it. By the time that letter arrived, I had already put it behind me and had my next target in sight.

Addiction

It was perhaps not quite that cold but the truth is that I am an anticipation junkie. I need something to look forward to, something to entice me to keep going. The flip side of this is that once I get it, I tend to crash hard. It's almost like crash dieting where you abstain from, say, chocolate and so all your waking thoughts are of chocolate, you dream of chocolate, if you close your eyes you can almost taste the damn chocolate. So you say to yourself, on this date I will have a big bar of chocolate all to myself and I will enjoy it and that will be that, end of story. So you look forward to that date and you have the big bar and it is good but you still feel like crap afterwards because what is there left to look forward to now? Nothing. The anticipation, which is almost as good as the consumption itself, is gone and you are left with nothing ... until the next time. It's not the most positive of processes but it's definitely one of the ones that seems hard-wired into my brain. So how can I use that to my advantage?

Momentum

By using it to create momentum in my life, that's how. By anticipating positive events and outcomes that will then generate further things to look forward to. To this end, so far this week I have put one plan into action and have two more on the back burner which I will hopefully be able to get stuck into when the new school term starts. Phase one: I am training to be a nutritionist. Originally I had envisioned doing this as part of my PT training but if I do this first, I will be qualified to a level where I can work as a nutritionist while I complete the rest of the PT training. I'm very excited about this because it fits nicely into the master plan. I can set up online nutrition coaching and so the whole getting stuck in Glasgow scenario becomes a moot point and I can just get on and do it. The relief is palpable! I've been discussing a move with the other half of my wee family of two and he's given it a big thumbs up. Destination to be decided but to be honest, it doesn't particularly matter so long as there are decent public transport links (poor old Ma is not up to long drives these days). It may well come down to simply sticking a pin in a map!

*In fact, my nickname at uni was the shark, though that was more to do with my rather direct approach to the dating game!

Neo

2012-01-02T10:28:00.000-08:00

I have time today to do a little research for an upcoming project which I am very excited about. There will be more on this later!

In the mean time, it is the start of a new year. This means I have a bit of housekeeping to do. In terms of body and fitness, this means taking progress pics and whipping out the measuring tape so I can assess the damage done over the festive season. I feel a little bit squidgy and slightly sluggish but it won't take long to sort that out. Easiest way to do so is to get back to my usual eating regime and that has already started. I have stocked up on fresh veggies, eggs, chicken breasts, oats, fruit and peanut butter so I'm good to go. There is still some Christmas cake and cheese knocking about but I'm not even tempted by it at this point. Ditto alcohol.

Training will remain slightly haphazard until next week when the new school term starts. However, this just forces me to be a little more creative. I might not get the chance to run as many miles as I like but I have enough kit in the house to get in a pretty decent circuit workout, I've got the turbo for bike training, the wee man's always up for a bit of MMA action and I've got a brand new book of bodyweight exercises to get cracking on. If I'm really stuck, there are also plenty of burpees to be done.

So, back to the thing I'm excited about. Actually, there are two things (maybe even three - too much excitement for just one woman surely!) I cannot actually divulge what they are just yet but look out for changes here shortly and some other very cool stuff to follow :)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch ...

2011-12-15T13:54:00.000-08:00

*blows dust off*

Haven't been here in a while! I have plans afoot for the new year, a blog reboot if you will. It may not be in this location but it is coming.

In the mean time, a bit of a catch up. It's the time of year for reflection I guess: the end of the old year and the start of the new, a time to reminisce and look forward to what lies ahead.

I was chatting to a friend recently and we were talking about New Year (or Hogmanay if you're a fellow Scot). I have a nagging feeling that how you start the year sets the tone for what is to come. The first moments of 2011 did just that. It has been a difficult year for me, in many ways. There have been many metaphorical smacks in the face, death, illness, shock, disappointment. In other words, I have lived! And I have learned. Some of the things I have learned about myself are not nice. I have discovered that I can be unreliable, avoidant, stubborn, that I am self-critical to a confoundingly useless degree, that I am gullible and sometimes willing to be led astray, that I am still capable of doing things when really I know better.

But I am also strong, I am tenacious, motivated, dynamic, I can pursue the things that I really want, I am capable of following my gut instincts and my heart.

My goods and my bads are two sides of the same coin - without one, I don't have the other. I am not looking to change, that is not my plan for 2012. The plan is to learn how to fully utilise what I do have going for me. Maybe life is not just about become a better person. Maybe there is an element of becoming better at being the person you are.

In terms of training, I have two events booked up for next year: the Thunder Run in July and the VLT in September. The first is an endurance race but I'm part of a team which is a new and exciting prospect for me. I'm really looking forward to it. Camping, chinwagging, running - what's not to love? The triathlon is an entirely different kettle of fish. I am invested in that in an entirely different way. I dithered endlessly about whether to even give it a shot or not. My swimming needs a whole lot of work, it requires me to get new kit, probably get a new bike and even the logistics of me getting myself and my bike down to London for the race are a PITA quite frankly ... but really it comes down to something much simpler than all that waffle. I want to do it. It excites me and I want it, so whatever it takes to make it happen is what will happen. It is on! Now if I could only apply that to the rest of my life.

On the off chance that there is anything in my Hogmanay superstition, I'm taking no chances. Last year was a bummer with a capital B. This New Year's Eve is going to be awesome with a capital A. Start as you mean to go on, right?

Birthday Blogging

2011-10-02T15:27:00.000-07:00

I'm reliably informed (by my mum and she should know) that I turn 35 tomorrow - 35! I'm not saying that in the sense of "oh my god, that's ancient!" because it's not. It is, however, a higher number than I ever thought I'd reach. I fully intended to have checked out by the age of 24 so god only knows what I'm still doing here.

I have to admit that I don't tend to celebrate my birthday. It doesn't excite me and it's of no great interest. The only thing that does always happen is pancakes for breakfast (with bacon and maple syrup) but I did that this morning. No way I'm getting up early enough on a Monday morning to make myself pancakes, birthday or not!

The only vague sense of excitement I have is that it's the start of a new training phase ... and I have plans :) I'm not ready to unleash them on the world just yet.

Really, all this milestone affords is a chance to take stock. I'm stronger, leaner and fitter than I was this time last year. I can swim better (yes, really), I have much better stamina on the bike (even my undercarriage is getting used to the whole ordeal) and my yoga has improved. I can do pull ups, quite a few of them, and I couldn't have done any at all this time last year. I completed the 3 x 100 press ups challenge ... and have no intention of ever repeating it! For all the years on the clock, the body is not too bad at all.

I'm also using it as a chance to try and put a lot of things behind me. The last few months have been horrible, just horrible in a myriad of ways and there's no escaping that fact. But I've done what I can with that mess and I feel that has helped - things aren't preying on my mind in the same way. There's a sense of letting go of the things that are outwith my control. I know my part in the proceedings: most of it can be filed under "sometimes bad things just happen," and the rest under "wow, some people are real assholes." Either way, a lot of it was a case of the wrong place at the wrong time. Until the past few days there has been a nagging sense of needing closure but actually, on reflection I'm already done with it. There's no need to write (much less send) the letter telling someone exactly what I think of their behaviour. I don't need to do it because I'm done with them. There will be no dramatic announcement, I'm just quietly going on my way and leaving them with their cowardice and their BS. They don't read this blog so it may take them a while to stop navel-gazing long enough to notice that they've lost a really good friend. C'est la vie.

Tomorrow, my 35 year old self will be up bright and early for swimming and spinning. I'll have my fingers crossed for decent weather so a certain (not so) young man can take me for a spin on his bike - we're heading for the hills, a bit of autumnal hiking and a nice cosy pub lunch. I do believe I'm also being taken out for dinner in the evening and I may well have a sneaky glass of bubbly. Will be giving the birthday cake a miss though!

I'll leave you with some pics of a younger me (apologies for the topless one - it's just how we rolled in the seventies!)

Brought to you by the letter P

2011-09-28T18:03:00.000-07:00

There are lots of Ps to counteract my Ds. Positive, present, pfabulous (silent p there, oh yes - hons in Language, don't argue)

The thing is, I think. A lot. Sometimes those thoughts need to be purged. Sometimes I do that here. It's not a pity party, it's just me getting my shit in order so I can move on to the next thing, often a more important thing as it happens.

So the important things in my world this week are pull strength and pillions.

I am still continuing with the triathlon training - essentially my cardio workouts will continue to be a mix of running, biking (spinning mostly) and swimming but we don't just do cardio, do we? Oh hell no. I love my strength training ... but I'm shifting the focus slightly.

When I was younger, I did a fair amount of climbing. Somewhere along the way, that tailed off. I went maybe once or twice last year but that's about it. Part of it is a confidence thing - it takes cojones to get yourself up there, no two ways about it. The other part of it is trust. I need to be able to trust the dude on the other end of the rope with my life. I have only ever really climbed successfully with a couple of partners (an ex and my best friend) but it seems that I have now come across someone else I can trust ... and it feels like I've been brought back to life. I can't quite believe I'm climbing again! It's like trying on the jeans you wore when you were 18 and finding they still fit - and that they suit you better than anything else ever did. But, being me, I find myself thinking about power to weight ratios and should I lose a few more pounds for easy handling (I don't think so - I suspect I am fairly dinky just now but I never really know). In any case, pull strength needs to be worked on. I fear there may be Frenchies in my future (if you don't know what they are, google them ... and weep!) I don't entirely look like a climber. My new fella ... he totally does (which, I'm not going to lie, is quite exciting - I really like that lean, sinewy thing). Forearms to die for is my final word on that subject. Whee! :D

So yes, upper body strength needs to worked on. As a woman, I'm aware that my upper body strength is well above average but I can always work on increasing it and, more importantly, honing it to the task at hand. There will be press ups in various positions and my grip strength also needs some work. I have arthritis in both my hands which will make things more difficult but I'm a big believer in doing the best with what you've got. Crapulous joints or not, I have a lot more mobility and strength than I used to and I earned it.

The other P that has been on my mind is pillion, also known as "riding bitch". I have recently been reintroduced to the joys, terrors and cold numb bottom of motorbikes. I had completely forgotten what it was like ... and a part of me feels a little guilty for even doing it. It is not terribly safe. Even in with leathers, gloves, helmet and with a safe rider in front of you, you are at the mercy of other road users and the elements. But sweet baby Jesus is it exhilarating! You feel incredibly exposed but at the same time, completely at one with your rider, the machine, the road. It's a weird and awesome and almost terrible sense of connection. It's an odd one for me: they say no man is an island. Well, 98% of the time this woman is. I felt exceptionally at odds with myself getting up there. I may possibly (haha!) have a few control freakish tendencies so putting myself completely in someone else's care was a tricky thing. It speaks volumes about the man himself really that I was willing to give it a go in the first place.

This may sound awful but I have never hankered after a run of the mill sort of guy. I don't want someone who's idea of a good time is getting pissed while watching the football and then buying me crappy flowers from the all night garage on the way home before staggering into the bedroom thinking he's bloody Elvis. That won't do. Sweet but dim also doesn't cut it (sexy or not) and I tried my best with Mr I'm a Pilot I Fly a Big Plane and Drive a Porsche but fast machines do not make up for a lack of personality. I need someone thoughtful, somewhat eloquent, someone with a brain that he knows how to utilise. There needs to be mutual thought provocation and support. I can't be with someone who will ultimately bore the crap out of me and let's face it, thinking someone is 'fit' is just the barest step on the road to real attraction and satisfaction. Some of the people who I have initially been most attracted to physically have become almost repulsive to me once their true personalities have come to the fore. Others have just bored me because there was nothing of interest beyond a nice set of guns. I've got a set of those, I don't need anyone else's unless they come as part of a grander package.

It's early days for me and the new man-meat (don't worry, he won't mind that objectification) but I'm happy enough to see how things go. Quite apart from anything else, he has been there to support me through some really tough stuff in the past week. I know it wasn't easy for him to be there holding my hand through the worst of it. Clearing up other people's messes is never easy (your own are bad enough, right?) and I don't know that I would have behaved quite so admirably if our positions had been reversed. And he doesn't bring me crappy garage flowers - he sneaked me some eidelweiss from an Alpine pass instead. I think he kind of rocks, just a little bit :)

This post is brought to you by the letter D

2011-09-27T08:02:00.000-07:00

There are lots of things that begin with the letter D; some of them are good, some bad, some downright bloody awful. Dogs for example, generally a good thing. Dysentery? Not so much. Things here have been quite firmly entrenched in the poopy end of that scale.

We have delays and discomfort. There should have been photos to post today but there's going to be a delay. In terms of physique, it's all on point and ready to go. However, I took a bit of a tumble a few days ago. Black, blue and bikini-ed is not really what I was hoping for! I also had a medical procedure a couple of days ago which, while minor, has left me in a bit of discomfort. After all my hard work, I have no intention of half-assing it at the final hurdle. Hopefully by next week, I'll be fighting fit and ready to rock it the way it deserves.

Dynamics and just desserts. There are things going on in my life which I have no need to discuss here other than to say that I've been feeling a bit worn down by all that's gone on lately. I don't exactly know what I believe in terms of fate or karma or any of that but I have been left wondering if I have some great big in-built trouble magnet. I would be a horrible person indeed if I actually deserved all the crap that I've had to deal with over the past few months ... and I genuinely don't think I am. So how do I learn to deal effectively with the bad shit? How do I make myself a bit more bullet-proof?

When it comes to training, I am goal-orientated and focused. I look at the big picture, decide what I need to do to get me there and then I just go and do it. It is that simple. However, this is something I do not do in my personal life, at all. Real life has a lot more variables and I struggle to apply the same single-mindedness. Putting myself first is not something that comes naturally to me - I'm a middle child and it shows! I will not ever manage to put myself first and say screw everyone else, not going to happen. What I do need to overcome is the urge to smooth things over and make it all okay for everyone, even at my own expense. How many times have I said, "Don't worry about it, it's fine" when it was anything but fine. Too many. That person may then go away feeling just dandy but it leaves me feeling like death. I need to work on my self-preservation skills. I know a lot of people who (it seems to me) behave appallingly and all in the name of making sure their own asses are covered. I am never going to be comfortable with that degree of self-centredness but I also don't have to make myself more unhappy just trying to keep the peace. I'm thinking there needs to be something a bit more egalitarian going on and it's up to me to instigate that. After all, people can only walk over you if you're lying down - upright stance required!

I'm also thinking that I have some friendships where the dynamics of that will not go down too well. In my heart, I know that these people are not truly my friends but the process is painful nonetheless. I guess it's like lancing a boil - unpleasant but probably necessary.

Decisions. I have decided, after an awful lot of thought, that I will not be taking part in next year's VLT. I am not the sensible sort of person who has savings and money put aside for a rainy day and all that jazz. Let's just say I had an unexpectedly rainy day last week so financially, there is no way I can justify it. Triathlon training will continue - things will pick up again and I'm fairly certain I can find plenty of races closer to home to compete in. It is the right decision, though I can't help feeling slightly disappointed about it. Hopefully, I will still manage a jaunt down to support my RF buddies who are competing. You know I have the poms poms ready and waiting, right?

The final decision is that I've had my time of hibernation and I need to get back out there. I needed a little time away just to get a few things sorted and this is the first time I've been wise enough to do so. Usually, I just keep truckin' and it ends in spectacular disaster! Thanks to all who have dropped me messages - you are a bloody lovely bunch and I'm lucky to know you.

One last thing: a little thank you to the D-man. Judicious application of cuddles, cocktails and laughter very much appreciated (and the flying was a fab bonus!) Thank you buddy :)

Getting closer

2011-09-19T14:32:00.000-07:00

First of all apologies - it's been brought to my attention that, once again, people are having problems leaving comments. I'm sorry for that, it's frustrating for all concerned. I would say give me a shout if you're having problems, but how you gonna do that huh? Hopefully it'll be ironed out soon but in the mean time, try leaving the check box for keeping yourself signed in unchecked (blogger equivalent of giving it a frustrated kick).

Lots going on here at the moment. After bemoaning my photographic woes, it appears that someone may have come to my rescue. Never mind a tripod and a timer, a rather kind soul has offered their photographic services (yes they are a real photographer, no they're not just a random pervert). I do want a really good set of superhero pics and we're having a (creative - haha!) meeting tomorrow to discuss things. The shoot may well include some proper rooftop posing as befits a catwoman and if that's the case, I'll be getting to work on some kind of mask because that's going to be kind of public. Like actual public as opposed to pretendy internet public. And I need to stop thinking about that before I psyche myself out.

Training is going well at the moment. I have a slight niggle in my right leg which is annoying but not too much of a hindrance. Aside from that, I feel as strong as an ox. I'm running well, lifting really well and spinning like there's no tomorrow! I'm surprised by how much I'm enjoying the spin classes. I took one years ago (when admittedly I was a lot less fit) and it killed me ... for days! Now I'm finding I can go hard, really hard and not have it kill me at all. I'm doing double sessions twice a week and this is doing a couple of things for me. Firstly, much more power through the hips and my core is now rock solid and secondly, I am getting lean. Like, if you didn't know it was me, you'd think it was a proper athlete in this body. I don't mean that in an arrogant way - I can't quite believe it's me in this body either! I have to keep poking and prodding in front of the mirror to make sure. Of all the incarnations of my body there have been so far, this one is absolutely hands down my favourite both in terms of aesthetics and also how it functions. I feel like the bloody terminator! Being made of metal would explain why my swimming still sucks but I'll get there in the end.

The final benefit to the double spin sessions is the extra amount of calories I get to eat. I spin in the middle of the day which means rearranging my eating a bit so I'm having an extra bowl of cereal/toast with my beloved peanut butter before bed the night before a class then my usual breakfast and mid-morning snack before the class. When I get out, I have my protein shake and a banana and then another small meal when I get home as a late lunch (it varies but usually a prawn, chilli, red onion and brocolli omelette or similar). I'm currently on six or seven small meals a day and that's working just fine. What's surprising to me is that I'm not putting that much thought into it, I'm eating fairly intuitively and it has taken a lot of the stress out of it. It seems that I might be far enough down the recovery road to trust myself and my food choices. I wasn't sure I would ever see that day so that in itself is worth celebrating.

Once the superhero challenge is done and dusted, I'll be hitting up the gym for some serious max rep attempts. I haven't done this for about ten months so I'll be interested to see where I'm at. I know I'm stronger, I can feel it but I'm nosy enough to want to know the stats and get them written up in my progress file (yes, I am sad enough to keep a spreadsheet for these things, despite my eternal hatred of Excel).

There are a few other things in the works but I'm keeping them under my hat for now. The main thing is that despite some large and utterly bloody bumps in the road, it's full steam ahead. I'm excited about things again and that feels good. It feels more like me :)

Skills Lacking

2011-09-12T17:25:00.000-07:00

This will be unclear and indeed seem unlikely to those of you who have never met me in real life, nonetheless it is true - I don't really do photos! Pictures of other people, fine. Pictures of me? Not so keen frankly. Let me tell you more.

I have always been a bit of a camera dodger. When I was a kid, I had chubby cheeks. The kind of cheeks that strangers would come up and squeeze (painfully usually - thanks old dudes), the kind of cheeks that make you think of hamsters stashing seeds, the kind of cheeks that obliterate your eyes should you happen to smile for a photo. I happen to like my eyes - they are the one feature that I genuinely think is quite pretty - and didn't want them hidden and so developed a very stern photograph demeanour. Childhood holiday photos from the age of seven through to twelve would indicate (wrongly) that I didn't have a single moment of joy.

I then declined to be photographed at all because alongside the chub of the cheeks, there were the various bodily farces that make up puberty. It was, as it often the way, not pretty. I can think of only one photo of me that exists from around that time and it was taken by stealth while I was playing badminton and thus caught off guard. All I can say about that picture is that is was 1990, the fashion of the time was "baggy" and I may or may not have been wearing dungarees, high tops and the largest t-shirt known to man. Body confidence not an issue because who ever knew what was lurking under the giant swathes of material.

There are no more pictures till my 18th birthday when I was forced to submit to a single shot. For reasons which will never be clear, my father had me pose next to my mother's new car like some dolly bird from The Price Is Right. Looking at that picture you might surmise that the car was perhaps my birthday gift (but you'd be wrong. Not so much as a driving lesson despite my father being a driving instructor - go figure). Car bizarreness aside, it's actually very nice. Not because I'd learned to smile nicely for a photo but purely on the basis that I look young and vibrant. My boyfriend at the time was taking me out for a nice fancy dinner and I was properly dressed up - sexy dress, high heels, make up even and I still had my ridiculously long pre-Raphaelite hair (because you can just about still get away with that at 18).

But as I said, that was an extreme rarity. There are really very few photos of me in the years that followed. Hardly any even of me with my son when he was a baby (a million of him obviously, but I'm barely in any of them). Looking back that saddens me - it seems like he gets bigger by the day and it's harder and harder to look at him and try to see the baby that he was. A bit more evidence would have been nice in retrospect but at the time, it was a no go. One photo was taken not long after I had brought him home from the hospital. In it are me, my mum with the baby on her knee and my older sister. I just look like a mountain of human flesh. I had given birth five days earlier and I bloody well looked like it. Breasts like rugby balls and no waist whatsoever, everything else just huge! This is not a "poor me, I had some post-baby fat" statement. What I want to illustrate is the importance of looking at that picture ... and having absolutely no connection to the woman in it. I was completely lost inside that body.

Every family has their own little set of dynamics that go on. You know who's the brightest, the thinnest, who has the biggest feet, who takes longest in the shower of a morning. So it is in my family: I am the tallest (yes really, we are a hobbity bunch) and the slimmest. It seemed that overnight I had become something else, some fat hunched thing that had no bearing on who I really was. Nonetheless, it did appear to be me in that photo and that was so deeply uncomfortable that I couldn't bear to look at myself in a photo again. At least a reflection is fleeting, a photo is just there, not going anywhere, unavoidable. If you don't like yourself, you're not going to willingly submit to that (self) scrutiny.

And so for many more years there were no photos, save a couple where I was on a night out and not aware of the camera. Unfortunately, I had also been drinking and boy, does it show in my face (you can tell from my eyes instantly). Thus they are beastly looking things and the whole horror of photo and self was reinforced.

I am a bit of a one for Facing Your Fears (I have to be since some days I am scared of damn near everything). It occurred to me that apart from being totally ridiculous, avoiding looking at myself was no way to proceed. This is my body, this is my mind - I cannot work with them and improve them if I don't know them and check in on their progress from time to time. I will freely admit that the thing I used to find most intimidating about the gym was the amount of mirrors in there - now I couldn't care less. This is simply down to exposure - look at something long enough and you will get used to it. Look at it for a bit longer still and you'll start to see the improvements you've made, where your hard work is paying off (this is why doing pull ups in your underwear is so very good but keep that to home workouts, yes?). There are frequently times when it goes beyond acceptance and straight out the other side to "oh, that's a nice body" and not quite recognising it as your own. In that sense, I haven't solved the disconnect. My mind is taking a long time to catch on to what I actually look like and I wear evidence of this most days. I am not the most patient of clothes shoppers and if there's a queue for the fitting room, I mostly likely won't join it. I'll just kind of look at the clothes and decide whether I think I'll fit in them or not. This means that I have a large number of clothes (jeans especially) that don't fit. In my head, I seem to be a size or two bigger than I really am. I don't yet feel that I am the woman in the size 8 skinny jeans but they're the ones that fit. So I haven't got things quite right yet but they are vastly improved. I can look at a photo and not immediately want to curl up and die - this is good and something of a miracle.

What is not so good is that lack of practice means I have no clue how to pose properly. I have been taking progress pics of my abs and it's not nearly so easy as it would appear. I can't do good face and good body at the same time! If I tense my abs, my face looks constipated. If I think about the face, I forget to stand right. That doesn't even take into account trying to tame the crazy hair. Currently I am just cropping the bits that offend me most :) I think though, that it might be time to just get on with it and polish up my skills. Particularly for when I reach the end of my challenge, it would be good to have a really nice set of pics. I'll need to practice a bit (and get some shots in daylight for instant added definition). In the mean time, here's roughly where I'm at abs wise:

Eating Clean - What it Really Looks Like

2011-09-07T07:56:00.000-07:00

I have read a lot of research and literature about diet and nutrition. It's a topic that interests me and influences me. However, as easy as it is to read about the latest diet and the results it could have on your body, it's not always to easy to incorporate it into your real life. Sometimes, it's the sort of fad which you can maintain for a short amount of time but rarely do we find a way of eating which we can do full time, all the time, for the rest of time!

What works for me is a combination of things which I've garnered from a few different schools of thought. It's healthy but not unrealistic, quality produce based but not prohibitively expensive, requires only a little planning for big rewards in terms of health benefits and, best of all, is easy to maintain and doesn't make finding an on the go snack mission impossible.

What governs how and what I eat? There are a few requirements I have.

1) I do not ever want to feel that I am starving. I need to be eating sufficient in quantity and frequency that I never get that ready to gnaw the furniture feeling.
2) I do not wish to be at the mercy of cravings. For me this means cutting out sugar (except for fruit) and watching the timing and quantity of my carbs.
3) I want to feel energised! Plenty of vitamins and minerals and fuel for training.

So what does this mean in terms of my daily regime. Here's what today's menu looks like and how it fits around my training.

Breakfast was porridge made with water and skimmed milk, topped with low fat yoghurt, blueberries, almonds and a sprinkle of cinnamon. Large mug of coffee (my first love).

2km swim - post swim snack was a slab of homemade flapjack and a banana

Lunch - large bowl of carrot and fennel soup with one slice of granary bread followed by an egg salad (two hard boiled eggs, peppers, pickles, beetroot, cucumbers, tomatoes and a variety of leaves) and a large handful of grapes

Afternoon snack - a low fat yoghurt and a sliced apple with peanut butter (PB is second only to coffee on my list of favourites). Coffee number two.

Strength training at the gym - post gym snack will be some pre-cooked chicken breast and some pineapple (obsession number three)

Dinner tonight is a large seared tuna steak with a lime and chilli dressing and stir-fried veg with soy sauce and sesame seeds and I also plan to have one large glass of red wine, just because I fancy it.

If I'm hungry later in the evening I'll have either fruit with plain yoghurt or a slice of toast with peanut butter (or sometimes I have both).

This is a fairly typical menu for me. I make it easy to for myself to make good choices by preparing a few things in advance e.g. I always make a giant vat of soup on a Sunday and have cooked chicken breasts and hard-boiled eggs ready and waiting in the fridge. If I can lay hands on something wholesome as soon as I feel hungry, I'm all set. I don't do processed or pre-packaged food. I make as much from scratch as I possibly can. I like cooking so it's no great hardship. It also means that once my meals for the week are planned out and the cooking prep is done on a Sunday, I mostly don't even have to think about food choices for the rest of the week and for me, that's the real winning part of the formula.

If I'm out for a meal with family or friends, I just do the best I can. I'm not going to sit there like some self-righteous misery with a glass of tap water, eating only salad leaves while everyone else indulges. I'll get stuck in with the rest of them! But that's the exception rather than the rule and eating well the rest of time means that I'm generally pretty happy with how my body looks and feels.

Barbara and Balboa

2011-09-05T09:05:00.000-07:00

I have a lot on my mind at the moment. The past week has been a real tough one both professionally and personally, capped off by the passing of my very dear friend Barbara yesterday morning.

She was a phenomenal women - eighty years old and yet she was still coming to Thursday lunch time aerobics with me up until a few weeks ago! In some ways, she was like my adopted granny but mostly she was just my friend; loyal, supportive and a bloody good laugh. I'm going to miss her terribly.

I always feel that I am very fortunate in the friends that I have. Life, as we all know, is not always easy and sometimes it can be hard to keep your face turned towards the light. I'm lucky that I have people around me who care enough to keep me on track when I really just feel like giving up. When my chin starts to go down, they make me pick it right back up again. I often wish that I could repay them in some way for all that they do for me. I guess it's on my mind because the chance to repay Barb for her many kindnesses has now passed. So I have instead been thinking about how best to honour her memory and our friendship and I think I know what to do.

I know what she wanted for me and though I don't know that I'm capable of quite the level of greatness she expected of me, I am going to go ahead and pursue it. It involves a change of career, taking the financial hit of re-training, probably a bit of a bumpy ride for a while and, most difficult of all, having a decent amount of faith in myself and my abilities. It's something that I have been mulling over for far too long and it's been suggested as the right path for me by so many people - I think it's high time I just got on with it. Watch this space ...

In the mean time, we'll be doing it Rocky-style - just keep on taking the hits and not giving up. Determination is where it's at!

My plans for the future will take a little time to come to fruition so my aim for now is just to keep the faith. I figured I was in need of a shot in the arm in terms of boosting my self-belief. This means time for a fitness assessment! It's something I like to do occasionally just to see how things are progressing. I will be doing a more comprehensive check later in the week but last night I decided to see how many press ups I could do in a minute. The last three reps were not far off pathetic so I discounted them ... leaving me with a total of 76. I'm beyond pleased with that! It's a good and very timely reminder that I am capable of much more than I think I am.