works of the unashamed

day 13

2010-05-24T13:16:00.000-07:00

How do you "disappear" or "check-out"?
I normally just go off by myself where no one can find me and leave me phone and computer behind. Just me and my bible and book.

What would you do if you completely "let yourself go"? What would happen?
If i completely let myself go and let myself do whatever i wanted i would be in alot of trouble and not be faithful, but as yesterday had said that strength and devotion are something i would use to describe myself. Letting myself go would be bad so i fight everday to not ever have that happen i love God and her WAY too much.

day 12

2010-05-24T13:13:00.000-07:00

Write some words that describe who you are.
Male,Tall, Skinny, Strong, Commited, faithful, Trusting, Loving, Smart

day 11

2010-05-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

What were some ciritcal and dismissive names you have been called and how did they affect you?
the main one that sticks in my mind is when my dad told me "i would always be his burden" he didnt refer to me as son he said burden...that hurt...alot.

Who can you truly be yourself around?
my family and her, they all make me feel proud of who I am and what i am.

day 10

2010-05-21T20:30:00.000-07:00

List the smells you love and the memories they elicit.

Fish i love the smell of it yet it always makes me sick because i got sick last time i had sea food.
Her, she always smelled good and always told me i did too.
Work: honestly i love the smell of quiznos it smells SO good.

List some foods you love to eat.

pizza, subs from quiznos, pasta, bread, soup, carrots, mac and cheese,and many others

day 9

2010-05-21T20:26:00.000-07:00

what would you do if everything went right?
I would be very happy.....there were times i felt everything was going great and they were the happiest times ofmy life.

If it was your last day on earth what would you do?
I am going to be corny and simply say that i would do all i could to spend it with her and my family and friends...all of us go do something fun...and then during the evening take ?

day 8

2010-05-21T20:24:00.000-07:00

Whos voice do you love the sound of? Why and how does it affect you?

Notgoing to lie i love hearing her voice. Especially when she is happy. It makes me smile no matter what kind of day im having.Its amazing how onepersons voice and attitude can change my mood. The simplest of things she says affect me most of the time she does not even notice.

Write down a secret you have kept. how does it feel to have it out there?
My secret is simple...Istruggle too....sometimes i dont feel like i love you...sometimes i do likeother girls...but then God brings me back to the reality of you...there were times for weeks at a time that i didnt want to be with you but i knew in my heart it was worth it to fight through...because i knew i loved you...and well everyday i love you more...everyday i get stronger and grow and its all because of you and the pain we share...you may not feel it but we share alot more than just friendships...i love you and thats my secret...and how does it feel to have it out?? scarry lol people always seem to think i never struggle and my dedication is perfect...yes im dedicated but that doesnt mean its not work...its hard work..especially when things go wrong...but i know God has a plan and i feel it will all be ok :)

day 7

2010-05-21T08:41:00.000-07:00

How does your intuition speak to you? list some hunches you actually followed and how they worked out.
My intuition has kept me by her side...knowing her better than anything...my intuition helps me with my friends knowing whats going on in life when others cant see it. Loving her through anything has helped me become a stronger person and it works out sometimes haha, but it all will always work out.

List some times you did not follow your instincts and what happened?
I honestly cant remember specific times that i did not follow my instincts. I ten to follow my gut which some times is bad but sometimes good

day 6

2010-05-21T08:33:00.000-07:00

Who and what do you love?
I love God, her, my family, rock music, yes im eeven liking country now, action movies,romance movies,

What does Heaven look like?
I am not really sure, but i think we will be surrounded by all our loved ones and be happy with no pain or suffering like in this world.

day 5

2010-05-16T10:55:00.000-07:00

Today is about the things we are postponing due to fear and to talk about regrets that if i could change i would. Only choose one things you could change.

I am postponing alot of things due to fear. Calling her, doing school, and several other things. I regret the single biggest thing that ruined my relationship and if i could change it i would, but for now all i can do is not do it again.

day 4

2010-05-16T10:49:00.000-07:00

today is about things things i have ben told and how they affected me. And about times i feel like i have been truly heard.

I remember times i got yelled at and times I was told good things. I remember the first day she said "I love you" and how it made me feel. I remember the days of getting in trouble ovr nothing and getting in trouble over big things.

I cant really remember any times i was "truly heard", but I am sure there were times

PEOPLE COMMENT!!!

Day 3 in the journey

2010-05-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

Day 3 is what would i do if i had more free time? what are some important things i have been putting off that i need to get done. and lipst something forbidden that i want to do but ask God to help me not do and how does it feel to not do it.

first off if i had more free time i would probably just write more or run more(ive been getting into running) jst time to enjoy life and the litte (or big) things it throws your way.

Some things i need to do is become a stronger christian(though i have been working hard on that) finish school( which everday is another step closer) :) and fix things with her....i try my best to be my best

honestly not gonna lie do you want me to be honest? the forbidden thing? ha i want to make love...but AM NIT going to not till marriage...i love her too much and God gives me strength to rekindle our love without that...i want to go to movies go to the park go skating things like that and hang out with family:) i want to be fun and active with our relationship to build ourselves up again before its time :D i love you

i want you guys to answer some of these...dont be afraid as you can see im not

Day 2 of the 40 day journey

2010-05-13T09:52:00.000-07:00

Today I am supposed to list some things that were surprises in my life and if they were life changing. Then say what i do when I am alone and if being alone makes me feel like something is wrong.

surprises:
Her coming into my life (most lifechanging)
My mom getting married to my step-dad (who is a great dad)
The day my dad said "im proud of you" the first time i won a raquetball game
They day she told me "I love you" and i knew it was true
When I got my new job

When I am alone I normally just sit, think, write, and pray. Sometimes being alone feels like something is wrong but other times it feels like I just needed the time to reflect and figure out what i need to do to move forward.

What are some things you all were surprised about in your lives and how did those surprises affect you? What are activites you do when your alone to keep yourself budy and not "sitting idle"

day number 1 in my 40 day journey

2010-05-12T18:32:00.000-07:00

Today was day number 1 in my 40 day journey. It was all about what i am afraid of and what im excited for in this journey.
Things im afraid of:
Things not going well and me losing her.
Fancial problems due to the economy
military problems due to them being....the military

Things im excited for:
To become a stronger christian
To become the man and future husband God wants and she needs
For my fanances to grow into my heart because at the moment my heart is way bigger than my finances

What are some things you are scared for that could happen within the next 40 days and what are some things your excited for?

struggling with faith

2010-05-11T14:15:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling when everything is falling down around you and you cant help but know it's all going to be ok, you just don't know how? That feeling of unconditional love for another, no matter what they do or how they hurt you, you will always stand next to them through the hard times, even when they dont always feel like they want you to. The times you feel like God is there, but just want to see signs of him and that everything will work out? Well im at a place like that, except i know God is there and i know he loves me and i love him. Life gets rough and we instantly say "must not have been what God wanted". 99% of the time thats not the case. I am reading a book called "do hard things" (which is a great book) and i beleive the harder things in life tend to be the right ones. Now im not saying thats always the case but like in my case staying next to the girl i love the one and only girl i have ever dated, the girl i waited 18 years to have a girlfriend, and she was the one i chose, she struggles with commitment...and leaves me sometimes telling me we are over, but always comes back because in her heart she knows she loves me. She lost her faith and i pray everyday that God will help her and me and all of my friends. Staying next to her is hard, sometimes feels impossible, but God made me have a heart to stay for a reason. He does the same for you and everyone else out there. Things always happen for a reason, they make us stronger, they make us cry out to God for help. He will break us down in order to lift us back up through him, because with him we are stronger than anything. People always tell me im weak, im pathetic, im not worth it, but seeing what i have been through with Gods help i am stronger than all those people telling me im far from strong. Strength of body only lasts in a fight, but strength of will and heart will last a lifetime. Does it mean im "invincible"? Not in the slightest, alone im strong, with her im stronger, and with all of us im strongest tahts when i feel "invincible" not that i dont mess up and things dont get hard, just feel like no matter what life throws we can make it through. God gives us bonds to those we truly love for a reason. So we can connect on a deeper level. This girl i can always tell when she is lying i know her better than anyone even when she does not see things in herself i tend to see them. her strength is strong and her heart longs for God and loves him as well as me. Life is full of challenges and temptations. Like i have never looked at another girl? PLEASE!, but i have fought through it seeing that the girl i chose was the one worth fighting for. Thank God everyday for the strength he gives us through the hard times and the love he gives us at all times. "I do what i want, but i dont always follow my heart because if i did, i would still be yours" Pray for your friends that need God and so many of them i am sure are longing for God just do not know how to find him. My friends connection to God was her cat she has had since she was a little kid, when it died i was the only connection to God she felt she had, but i fell, making that connection go away. and though i have found my connection to God again i still pray she will too. I know she will and i know that we will have a long happy life together, but God must be the center of all good things ESPECIALLY relationships. If i had realized that before things would not be like this right now, but things will get better, God is forgiving but never do things knowing he will forgive you. By that i mean dont go into something saying "ya its wrong but he will forgive me" because that ends badly. I have made a vow and promise to myself, my love, and my God to stay pure again till i am married, and i intend on doing that no matter how hard it gets. Follow your heart and it will lead you back to us.

keep on

2009-11-25T15:53:00.000-08:00

keep on diggin for the truth

take the lies for what they are

keep on wishin for the best

keep on wishin on that star

keep on fightin for whats right

just raise your bar

keepin on facing this test

because only you can go that far

im sorry

2009-11-23T13:37:00.001-08:00

Whats the point when i know it does nothing

to tell you how i feel cuz you dont understand

you say you know what i mean when i say "I love you"

but in the next sentence you say im taking it too hard

if you truly knew what it felt like than you would not say that

What do you say when you say "I love you"

do you know what your saying??

when i say it i am saying many things

i am saying that i would do anything for you

i would go through the pain of seeing you with my best freind

just because it makes you happy and i know he treats you well

then a month later you end up with my enemy

and its not supposed to hurt????

that is what i get from you.

i hear "your taking it too hard" and "i know how you feel"

but you dont, you know nothing of how i feel

all you know is what you want to know

you think its easy to be like this?

Do you think i like being like this?

all i do is think about you every second of every day

and you tell me you know what its like

i honestly wish i could beleive you on that one

I love you more than life itself

without you i have nothing but with you he has everything

i hope that you can forgive me for what ive done

but i dont expect you to

if it makes you a better person in the end

than it is worthwhile for you to hate me

because that is what i want

for you to be as good as you can be

i will stand back and watch you be with him

and hide my pain until it kills me

goodbye my freind and i hope you will realize it someday

how i feel and how i felt

but im done for now and im going to mend my freindships

for i have hurt people because i cant let you go

and i need to fix those for you and me

to everyone else out there that is mad at me

im sorry to all of you also

especially you alyssa...im pointing you out by name

so you can see how sorry i am

but when its all over will you remember me

or will i just be that guy that was a jerk in highschool?

i hope that you will forgive me and just know that your still my freind

hidden

2009-11-23T13:35:00.001-08:00

Why am i so lonely?

Why do i cry at night?

i feel like no one cares

like im all alone

even though i know thats not true

you say that you miss me

that you really want to hang out

but when you see me you dont talk to me

i have to initiate everything

every conversation, every hug

you say im irreplaceable

yet im already dissappearing

i long for that feeling

of being truly here

that feeling of security

a feeling of necessity

that if i was gone

someone would miss me

if i was sad

someone would kiss me

when im stuck in this darkness

someone would find me

but for now i just have to stay

the way i am with this emptiness

and stay in this darkness untill im found

where did you go?

2009-11-23T13:34:00.001-08:00

What happened to you?

Where did you go?

you used to be so kind

there was a time

when i could see your heart

straight through your eyes

and i knew you didnt lie

but now you cheat and deceive

even those like me

where is that girl i fell in love with?

i want her back i want to see her

where did she go?

your different now

you wont look me in the eye

expecially when we talk

you divert your eyes

because your hiding something

you used to tell me everything

now you tell me nothing

i want that girl back

that girl i loved

that girl i gave up everything for

where did she go?

why wont she come back?

ive been waiting and waiting

and i still havent seen her

should i give up?

or should i stay and wait?

i truly loved that girl

but she is gone now

and i dont know whether she will be back

but i hope and pray i see her again

but for now i will sit here waiting

your lies

2009-11-23T13:33:00.000-08:00

your words are like poison

burning deep

your lies rotting my heart

your very breath

brings chaos and destruction

your love is just another lie

burning deep like the rest

your touch is like nails

piercing my heart

sirens have nothin on you

you freeze me with your beauty

but kill me with your gaze

and trap me in a state of hell

untill i am fully dead

A chapter of a book I'm trying to write...read it and comment if its worth editing and keeping going i will if not ill just give up :)

2009-11-17T23:20:00.000-08:00

In October of 2007, one week before my birthday I was at a Springdale football game. It was a normal October night, partly cloudy and definitely very cold. The wind hissed through the trees like a whisper in your ear, with the slight smell of mist in the air. I was running late so I ran in to see my friends Daniel and Julie, who at the time I liked, though I had no idea the life changing experience that was going to happen that night.
“Hey Dan and jewels what’s up?” I said with a grin on my face.
“Nothing much” they both said almost in sync.
“We are losing pretty badly why are you late dude?” said Dan
“Sorry my grandpa was running late as normal. You all know how that goes”
We all laughed and I heard a fourth laugh that I had not heard before. I wondered to myself, who is that and where did it come from. I looked over to the other side of Julie and saw a tall girl with beautiful, curly, brown hair standing there.
“Hi I’m Tyler, I’m sorry I didn’t see you there” I said with a little smirk.
She replied with an angelic smile “Hi, I’m Alyssa, Julie’s friend”
I thought to myself “wow she is beautiful, I am going to go stand next to her.”
I kind of hustled over to her side trying not to let anyone know what I was doing
“Hi how’s it going? It’s kind of cold out tonight huh?” I said in a very shy manner
“It’s going well and yes very cold.” I hear a phone ringing coming from her pocket
“Oh I’m sorry that’s my Boyfriend Kurtis I am going to talk to him.”
“ok.” I said in rather sad manner thinking “dang she has a Boyfriend that sucks”
With Alyssa talking on the phone in the background
“Hey Julie, I have never met her before.” I said in a partly giddy and partly sad expression on my face.
Julie replied kind of chuckling under her breath “Ya she is one of my friends have been for a few years.”
Daniel butted in saying “she is really cool”
I smiled thinking “wow she is amazing, what is this feeling. I have liked many girls why does this feel so
different?” my mind was wandering, thinking, daydreaming of what it would be like to be with her. What it would be like to be called her boyfriend, but then I kept getting drawn back to her already having a boyfriend.
“She is sitting over there talking to him” I kept thinking to myself
Then she came over, back to our group I smiled thinking she was getting off the phone but she didn’t. She stood there talking on the phone while we were all watching the game. My heart sunk, standing here listening to her so into the phone call. “I wanted to talk to Julie and Daniel about liking her but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I just met her, why is this happening. I like Julie, I think. “Every time she looked my direction my heart would beat a thousand beats per minute. She would look at me with this “he is cute” kind of look on her face that made everything just that much worse. Finally after another half hour she got off the phone.
“hey sorry about that we don’t get to talk much” she said directing it towards me.
“it’s ok no biggie we were just watching the game anyway” I replied
Alyssa said with a cute grin on her face “so do you have a MySpace?”
“no I don’t why?”
“oh really? You should make one” she said
“ok” I replied. “sounds good to me. Until then do you have an e-mail?”
“yes its yaddayaddaetcetc@hotmail.com, send me a message tonight?”
“ummm ok I guess I could do that” I said jumping for joy inside
We messaged for several days until I went to youth group four days later and we saw each other there. I was so excited to see here I couldn’t contain myself, but I had to.
“Hi Alyssa how are you?” I said
“I’m doing ok I guess.” She replied with a hint of sadness in her voice.
“ok, are you doing ok you seem kind of sad.” I asked trying to figure out what was going on.
She said “Ya I’m fine I will talk to you about it later, does that sound ok?”
“Ya sure anything I can do to help, I’m here”
Later that night on e-mail
Me:
I realize that this may be a weird question seeing as I don’t know you that well, but in my mind you have already become a good friend. If I like a girl, but don't know whether she likes me. What should I do? She is a friend and I don't want to ruin that if she doesn't like me. Anyway I would appreciate any advice that you can give me. Thanks

Alyssa:
well that’s ok you are a good friend to me too. well depends I have had the experience the first we are not really friends any more we still talk but not as much. the second if you know you are still going to be friends go for it with the second person I still talk to the same I did before. so it just depends.

oh if you don’t mind telling me who is it is ok if you don’t but I just want to know

Me:
Umm.... this person I don’t know super well so I don’t know if I would still be friends with her. I would sure hope that I could still be friends with her, but it would mostly be up to her. My experience with asking my friends out is that I have lost several friends that way so I am a little scared. I don't even know really why I like her. Just anytime I am around her I feel really happy and when I’m not all I can think about is when I am going to see her again.. I would prefer not to tell you who it is. At least not over an e-mail.
Alyssa:
ya for me it depends on who it is ya so you can tell me tonight ok!!!! I’ll talk to you tonight
the next Friday night at another football game.

HI all

2009-11-17T13:10:00.000-08:00

Thankyou for reading ill be updating as i can hopefully tonight ill have a few more..i just started it so i hope to have it really running in a couple of days

I'll be here

2009-11-17T11:42:00.000-08:00

No matter how many times you say "I hate you"
Who is going to be there saying "Ok, but I love you"?
No matter how many times you say "Disappear"
Who will be saying "Ok, but i will be here when you need me"?
No matter how many times you say "I don't care what you think"
Who is still going to be here saying "I'm still proud of you"?
No matter how many times you say "Don't have hope"
Who will be sitting here saying "I always will"?
No matter how many times you say "your just like them"
Who is going to be standing here proving he is not?
No matter how many times you say "I want to believe you i just can't"
Who will be here saying "Yes you can"?
No matter how many times you say "No matter what happens, I still love you"
Who will be here saying "I know you do"
No matter how many times you hurt him after that
Who is going to still stand next to you and say "I still love you"?
No matter how many times people say "She is not worth it"
Who will still stand here and say "Yes she is"?
No matter how hard life get and how many temptations there are
Who is going to stand here and say "I'm taken by her, even if she is not taken by me"?
No matter how many times you say "I enjoy making you cry"
Who will just sit there and say "Ok, whatever makes you feel better"?
No matter how many times you call crying
Who will be there saying "It's ok, I love you, it will be ok"?
No matter how many times you say "That doesn't help"
Who will still stand there saying "I'm sorry, but i still love you"
The main point is no matter what happens, and no matter how much you yell at him
Who will still be standing there saying "I will love you forever and always"