World Chumps

Catching up with the Auburn oak tree killer

2011-02-17T10:38:00.000-08:00

Today's lessons for would-be environmental vandals: If you're going to take it upon yourself to destroy a venerable icon beloved by hundreds of thousands of people, a) Pick a target that's not monitored by camera 24 hours a day, and b) Don't call in to the most popular radio show in the state to brag about your crime. Otherwise, you might end up like 62-year-old Alabama fan Harvey Almorn Updyke, better known now as "Al from Dadeville," who was arrested early this morning for allegedly applying a lethal dose of herbicide to a pair of 130-year-old oaks at Toomer's Corner, the traditional campus meeting point for Auburn fans to celebrate victory by rolling the trees. Updyke is charged with criminal mischief and was being held this morning on $50,000 bond.

His arrest came less than 18 hours after Auburn confirmed the poisoning in a release on Wednesday afternoon. Initially, the university was alerted by a caller to the Paul Finebaum Show on Jan. 27, "Al from Dadeville," who proudly described poisoning the trees with Spike 80DF – the same herbicide later found in soil samples – a few days after Auburn's comeback win over Alabama last November. According to the university, the lowest level of Spike detected in samples was 0.78 parts per million, "a very lethal dose." The highest level detected was 51 parts per million, some 65 times that lethal dose, which is possibly enough to warrant significant environmental penalties. (The university also said there's "no reason to suspect any human danger from the herbicide," and expert said at a press conference this morning that there's very little chance any groundwater would be affected.) Auburn police chief Tommy Dawson said this morning Updyke potentially faces further charges, but declined to elaborate.

Classless Star

2008-12-03T19:26:00.000-08:00

From the Calgary Herald...

Smirking. Smug. Potty-mouthed. Narcissistic.

Sure.

But pathetic. More than anything.

The smutty, smart-ass kid at the back of the classroom giggling at his own dirty jokes. The preening campus jock who expects all the nerds to drop their jaws in envy and the cheerleaders to drop their pom-poms in ecstacy.

No class, all class-clown.

Infantile.

More Here

The Second Coming of Napoleon Fails to Conquer the Brits

2006-03-07T00:23:00.000-08:00

Hey there's always
the Icelandic Elite League

Canadian hockey ambassador Theo Fleury still has the old touch. The little hellion managed to get himself kicked out of the British Elite League for good last weekend after trying to light the lamp by using an officials head as the goal. Fleury has already had his share of drama in jolly old England. The latest twist of 'As Theo Turns' started when Fluery took a two minute minor while skating for the Belfast Giants last Saturday.

Fleury was upset with the call and refused to skate to the penalty box, for which referee Mike Hicks added a 10-minute misconduct. After the opposing Basingstoke Bison scored an empty-net goal, Fleury fished the puck out of the net, then fired it at Hicks’ head.

Hicks tacked on another misconduct penalty and then the former Calgary Flames Oompa Loompa went berserk, threatening Hicks. A match penalty ensued, followed by an invitation to not let the door hit him in the backside as he exists the league. League officials made it clear that Fleury will, "not to return to this league ever again."

Next stop, Canadian beer leagues. Or has he been banned from those already as well?

Sunday Funnies

2006-03-05T22:36:00.000-08:00

• Vijay Singh is too tired to play golf, so he’s pulling out of the Honda Classic, and will most likely miss the Bay Hill Invitational. While the rest of the world works for the day when they can quit working to play golf everyday, Singh does the exact opposite.

March Badness

• U of Arizona guard Hassan Adams was arrested on Sunday morning for suspicion of driving under the influence. Adams had a blood-alcohol level of 0.121, which is over the legal limit in Arizona of .08. Adams will be disciplined by Lute Olson after the upcoming NCAA tournament.

• The Raiders waived QB Kerry Collins on Sunday, sort of. They had planned to file waive papers with the league, but since the NFL and NFLPA can’t get their act together, the start of NFL free agency has been pushed back to Thursday. That leaves the Raiders with a few days to figure out their cap issues. We’re still trying to figure out who gets the better end of the deal should Collins actually be waived.

• So it looks like it wasn’t George Steinbrenner’s who ordered a sign apologizing for the absence of several Yankees be hung at the Yankees spring training home at Legends Field in Tampa. The sign, which read, “The New York Yankess”, misspelling the team name, was intended to apologize for some other New York team that was supposed to appear at the site. "If it was his (Steinbrenner) sign, he wouldn't have spelled Yankees wrong," Yankees spokesman Howard Rubenstein said.

• The Chelsea football club from the English Premier League got a fine Spanish welcme as they arrived for their Champions League game with Barcelona on Sunday. Barcelona fans hucked spit wads at Chelsea’s bus as it prepared to depart from the airport. How come you never see that kind of stuff in travel brochures?

Pokey's Deal Smells Fishy

2006-03-05T21:15:00.000-08:00

"Say goodbye Pokey"

The Florida Marlins finally decided to play hardball with AWOL shortstop Pokey Reese, by releasing him. It took the Marlins three days to figure out that the veteran infielder wasn’t coming back to camp, so they gave him the boot.

"We're moving on," Marlins general manager Larry Beinfest said. "We think that the 72 hours that have passed was more than a reasonable amount of time for him to offer some sort of explanation for his unexcused absence. We still do not have that explanation and we're moving on. He will not be with the Marlins in '06."

Odd. Pokey and everyone else on the planet knows why Pokey decided to head for the hills. As GM, you’d think that Beinfest already knows that the Marlins are the worst team in baseball. After his fire sale the past two seasons, why would anyone want to play for the fish?

Even mediocre players like Reese want to believe that they have a shot at winning, but the Double-A roster the Marlins intend to field this season doesn’t provide much optimism.

Vorld Cup Clampdown

2006-03-04T12:39:00.000-08:00

If you shelled out the big bucks for World Cup tickets this summer, don’t bother bringing your camcorder. The German organizing committee which is hosting the 2006 World Cup has banned all camcorders from games. Your memories will have to documented via still photography or the old coconut.

Fans who disregard the ban will be stopped at the gates and forced to turn them over. Hopefully you’ll get to keep your gold teeth and jewelry. Confetti and toilet paper are also on the banned items list.

“You vill not be allowed to celebrate goals, tackles or wictories at zee Vorld Cup in Deustchland zis summa,” said an unidentified organizer. “You vill be required to remain stone faced as all good Arians have done srue out zee centuries.”

You can add big bags, ruck sacks and suitcases as items not likely to make it past the gates.

How to Host an Olympics on $30 a Day

2006-03-03T21:33:00.000-08:00

Do over! That’s what a majority of the International Olympic Committee is thinking in regards to their vote to allow Beijing to host the 2008 Summer Olympics. Now that a Chinese parliament member is screaming that China had better not put on any extravagant games and blow a wad of money in the process.

"The organizers of the event should exert all efforts to present the best-ever games to the world with the minimum amount of expenditure," Zhang Guiyu, one of the 3,000 delegates to the National People's Congress (NPC), was quoted as saying by the state Xinhua news agency.
"There are still many people living under the poverty line, especially in the countryside. We cannot afford an extravagant event," added the entrepreneur from Shandong province.

Yo Zhang, you couldn’t think of that before you submitted the bid to host the Olympics. Were you not watching the Italians kick ass extravaganza? Did you think that all that pomp & circumstance was going to conjure itself out of thin air.

Oh, this is China we’re talking about. Where the conjuring is supposed to be done at the expense of the slave labor force otherwise known as “the population.”

Imagine if you’re an athlete and this is your one shot at the Olympic experience…and you get to go to the thrifty games. The Olympics are about extravagance, capitalism, all things oh so not-communist. Hopefully the IOC is taking notes.

Play World Chumps March Madness Game

2006-03-02T20:40:00.000-08:00

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This is a free game. Only 50 entries allowed in this group, so sign up early. Picks must be locked by the start of the tourney on the morning of March 16th.

Wheelchair Tennis Spins Out of Control

2006-03-02T20:23:00.000-08:00

"Maybe Chad Knaus can help"

First Barry Bonds’ American Idol lunacy and now this. Ilanit Fridman, a wheelchair tennis player from Israel has been suspended one month after testing positive for a banned substance. Yes, that was a wheelchair tennis player testing positive for a banned substance.

Fridman was caught with terbutaline in his system at the U.S. Open Wheelchair Tennis Championships on Oct. 5 in San Diego, the International Tennis Federation said Thursday. The suspension was limited to a month because a tribunal found no intent to use the drug to enhance performance, which would have carried a two-year ban.

Uh, just so we’re clear here. The guy got caught with this banned substance in his body, but the officials figured out that he wasn’t intentionally trying to cheat. Alright then.

American wheelchair player David Buck received a little longer suspension after he tested positive for pot. The same tribunal determined that Buck was not really trying to get high.

Will they play at the Big L-A-A?

2006-03-02T20:20:00.000-08:00

A judge rejected a request Thursday by the city of Anaheim to force the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim to change their name back to the Anaheim Angels.

O.C. Superior Court Judge Peter J. Polos broke the bad news to the City of Anaheim when he ruled that he had no authority to reverse the ruling of a jury that three weeks ago decided in the team's favor. That jury decided that the Angels didn't breach a contract with the city when owner Arte Moreno changed their name in January 2005.

"In this case, the jury found no wrongdoing, so in my view you don't get to damages and you don't get to an injunction," Polos said.

After ruling was announced, the Kansas City Royals filed to have their name changed to the "Nu York Yankies".

Bombs Away

2006-03-01T23:25:00.000-08:00

If you thought Super Bowl XL was the bomb, you’re not alone. Somebody was so worked up they decided to suggest that a bomb was planted in the theater where several Pittsburgh Steeler players were assembled for a screening of a new DVD which featured the NFL’s last title game. Several players were evacuated from the Loews Cineplex at the Waterfront in Homestead, Pa.

Police said that an anonymous call to 911 tipped authorities of the supposed explosive. The caller had a male voice, which immediately places suspicion on half of the earth’s human population. Leading the pack of suspects is Mike Holmgren and Payton Manning. Both have telling motives: they lost the chance to hoist the Vince Lombardi Trophy.

Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger dropped a bomb of his own at the premier when he told reporters that he, “hoped the DVD had a good ending.” Unfortunately for him, the bomb scare means Big Ben will have to wait to find out how the video ends.

Drag Bunting

2006-03-01T00:58:00.000-08:00

"That ain't William Hung"

My oh my, where to begin with this one. Baroid the Steroid has officially gone nuts. Roids will do that to you ya know. Baroid appeared at the San Francisco Giants spring training facility dressed in drag in an attempt to impersonate Paula Abdul during a rookie hazing ritual.

Um, who was hazing who? And more importantly, why didn’t Baroid choose to be Randy Jackson or Simon Cowell (lord knows they have the same attitudinal approach to life). Maybe because Baroid already had the breasts to fill out the costume?

The hat was a nice touch, but where on earth can we score one of those SF Giant muumuus for the Paula Abduls in our lives?

Raging Bol

2006-02-28T01:03:00.000-08:00

"Reach Advantage: Bol"

From the “what’s the point?” file, comes news that former NBA player Manute Bol and his wife have been arrested after a fight at their West Hartford home. Bol, 45, and his 27-year-old wife, Ajok Kuag, were charged with disorderly conduct Sunday.

Now for the good part.

Both were arrested after they showed up at the police station together to file complaints against each other! A verbal exchange turned physical, although neither appeared injured. We’re thinking ‘Nute pulled one of those Little Rascal moves by holding Kuag’s forehead with his six-foot arm, while she flailed away at him.

Wonder how you say “Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck” in Sudanese?

Did he get to keep the ball?

2006-02-28T01:00:00.000-08:00

Kevin Garnett was fined $5,000 on Monday for throwing a ball into the stands during a game against the Memphis Grizzlies on Sunday, but that may just be the icing on Garnett’s wallet. The ball apparently hit a fan in the face, although it did not appear to be lofted with much velocity.

The fan asked to be removed from the arena via a stretcher, which was acknowledged by the rest of the fans in attendance with a chorus of boos. No charges were filed against Garnett, but a civil suit may be in the making.

Where’s Ron Artest when you really need him?

"I'd like to apologize once again to the fan and his family involved in yesterday's incident at the Target Center," Garnett said. "It was never my intent to injure anyone. I have the deepest respect for the fans of the NBA and the Minnesota Timberwolves."

Oh, and he loves his money too. Unfortunately for him, so may the leech that he hit.

The Run and Shoot is Big in Texas

2006-02-27T19:58:00.000-08:00

An East Texas jury on Monday found Jeff Doyal Robertson guilty of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon in the shooting of a high school football coach. Robertson, a heating and air conditioning repairman, shot Gary Joe Kinne in April. Robertson's son played on the Canton' high school freshmen football team along with Kinne's son, who was the quarterback.

Robertson called Kinne out of his office, before critically injuring him with a gun blast. Robertson faces a prison sentence of two to 20 years.

Apparently, Robertson wanted to see more use of the shotgun in Kinne's offense.

Embarrassment of Olympic Proportions

2006-02-26T19:49:00.000-08:00

"Throwing back a shooter"

While the rest of the world may remember the Torino games for their sportsmanship and grandeur, Americans will remember these games as one of the biggest flops in Team USA history. Never before were so many U.S. athletes hyped prior to the games, only to fall flat on their faces.

In snowboardcrosser Lindsey Jacobellis’ case, that’s exactly what she did. Fell on her face. Figure skater Sasha Cohen did the inverse and fell on her keester. Michelle Kwan never even competed after exposing the fact that she never should have been there in the first place. Johnny Weir was a flowery bust.

Moguls skier Jeremy Bloom failed to live up to his hype. Apolo Anton Ohno, while earning three medals, showed that he was second fiddle to the Koreans and that his Gold Medal in Salt Lake was indeed a gift.

The biggest pre-games favorite / post-games bust had to be alpine skier Bode Miller and his teammate Daron Rahlves. Miller was so busy soaking up the Olympic experience that he forgot to compete. He made up for it with a gold medal partying performance. Aerialist, Jeret Peterson got into a drunken fist fight at a bus stop, resulting in an early departure from the games.

"We take full responsibility for any unpleasant episodes," US Olympic Committee chief executive Jim Scherr said. "We need to do a better job at making (US athletes) understand how what they do affects the whole team and the country."

Peterson and Miller were downright embarrassments for Team USA.

No Canada!

2006-02-23T22:25:00.000-08:00

So the Great One wants to take the fall for Team Canada’s woes at the Torino Olympics does he? That would be too easy, and rather convenient given his personal woes the past two weeks. He proved that even a gambling scandal can’t tarnish his bullet proof reputation, so why not take the blame for a horrendous performance by the Canadians this week.

"I take full responsibility," said Gretzky. "It's nobody else's fault. I will reassess what's best for me and for Hockey Canada. I want to win gold at the Vancouver Games in 2010.

Well, it actually is someone else’s fault. You can start with each and every player on the Canadian roster. What should have been a shoe in for the gold medal turned into the worst performance by a Canadian team in 26 years.

Guys like Todd Bertuzzi and Chris Pronger were stale holdovers from past Canadian glory, supplanting up and coming stars like Sydney Crosby and Eric Staal. It’s time for some house cleaning, so Gretzky should skip the self deprecating criticisms, because nobody is buying that story either.

Baroid the Steroid Calls It Quits

2006-02-19T17:35:00.000-08:00

"Time lapsed photo
of Baroid two seasons
after retirement"

Baroid the Steroid announced on Sunday that the 2006 Major Leagu Baseball season will be his last. Good riddance! Baroid can join Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Raphael Palmiero on the all juiced team, then fade into oblivion.

Baroid said that he would retire regardless of if he catches Hank Aaron’s 755 home runs for the all-time record or not. Here’s hoping he doesn’t tarnish the great American pastime anymore than he already has.

MLB should honor Baroid by placing asterisks next to all of his career stats to call out just how "special" they really are.

Your Daily Olympic Scandal Update

2006-02-19T17:25:00.000-08:00

• The banned Austrian ski coach at the center of a doping investigation at the Turin Olympics crashed his car into a police roadblock Sunday evening after leading authorities on a bizarre chase. The zaniness started when Mayer pulled over to the side of the road and took a nap in his car. A suspicious local resident called the cops. When the heat arrived to wake him up, Mayer sped away, striking and slightly injuring an officer. Mayer has had a tough week. Italian police seized blood analysis equipment during raids on the Austrian skiing compound earlier this week, where they found syringes, vials of distilled water, asthma medication and other substances. One Austrian athlete threw a bag out of a window containing needles and medicines, and Mayer apparently left the scene in a minivan.

• The U.S. men’s hockey team continued their experiment to see if sleeping pills enhance athletic performance in their game against Sweden on Sunday. Results continue to indicate that they do not. The U.S. lost 2-1, falling to 1-2-1 in pool play.

• Apolo Anton Ohno continued his mediocre performance in Turin, further supporting South Korea’s claim that his gold medal win in Salt Lake City was a sham. Ohno lost to Hyun-Soo Ahn (gold) and Ho-suk Lee (silver) in the men’s 1000m short track speed skating event on Sunday.

• Alpine skier has yet to fuse his lips together, against advice from a majority of Americans. That means that we’ll all be forced to listen to his excuses for his failures in all three Olympic events thus far and how he “doesn’t really care about medals anyway.”

It Does Pay to Cheat

2006-02-19T17:08:00.000-08:00

NASCAR took a huge step backwards on Sunday when Jimmy Johnson and his Hendrick Motorsports car won the Daytona 500. Johnson’s car was modified illegally during qualifying for the Nextel Cup’s Super Bowl of races, but rather than kick Johnson and his car out of the race, NASCAR sanctioned the team by disallowing crew chief Chad Knaus from participating in the event.

In a sport that has grown wildly in popularity in the United States, big money is still the name of the game. In this case, NASCAR wouldn’t dare take any appropriate action against a team that is sponsored by Lowe’s, the national home improvement chain.

So heaven knows what Johnson’s team did to stretch the rules during the race. The fact of the matter is, Johnson’s team cheated and got caught. But rather than take action that had any teeth, Mike Helton and the money grubbers at NASCAR rolled over.

Helton even had the gall to say that NASCAR took this kind of behavior very seriously and that an appropriate punishment would be handed down. Mikey should shut up and get back to his banjo and ‘shine.

He Seemed Like Such a Nice Felon

2006-02-18T18:59:00.000-08:00

"Father / Son
Day at Comisky"

Cook County Judge Leo Holt should be thrown in the clink. The untra-compassionate Holt was the judge that allowed William Ligue Jr. to walk with a 30-month probation sentence after he and his then 15-year old son pummeled Kansas City Royals first base coach Tom Gamboa back in 2003 after the pair stormed the field.

At the time, Holt ruled that the sentence, “should not be viewed as a pass, or a slap on the wrist" because Ligue will have to live with the stigma of being a convicted felon.

That stigma has sure kept scumbags like Ligue out of hot water. The senior beater landed back in jail on Friday after Associate Judge Joseph M. Claps ruled that Ligue violated his parole after he was charged with breaking into a car in a Chicago suburb. In April of 2004.

The length of Ligue’s jail stay will be determined on March 10th. He will receive his sentence for the car burglary on February 21st. Gamboa suffered minor hearing loss in the attack, but apparently knocking someone deaf holds no penalty in Chicago.

Funny Meeting You Here

2006-02-17T21:19:00.000-08:00

"You can call me
Inspector Clouseau"

We knew that Albert Belle’s on-field antics were signs of sheer stupidity, but his post-baseball civilian life shenanigans are making up for lost time. Belle was arrested in Scottsdale, Arizona on Thursday for stalking his ex-girlfriend. Of course when you make millions in the major leagues, you stalk with the assistance of hi-tech gadgetry like a global positioning device.

Belle admitted to placing the GPS device in her car, after it was discovered by her. The unnamed woman told investigators that Belle "had been showing up everywhere she went (the store, on dates, the gym, etc.).”

When confronted with accusations of planting the device, he denied it, but on February 3rd, he left a message on her voicemail apologizing for “doing all that tracking stuff.” He followed up his admission with another message, threatening the woman.

We’re starting to think this guy’s head might be corked (you may recall that he was busted for corking his bat in ’94).

When asked to comment on his arrest, Belle responded by saying, "you didn't write a story about my Hall of Fame induction. You guys never report the good stuff that I do."

The HOF induction he was referring to is the Louisiana Sports Hall of Fame, of which he was inducted last year. We’re not even sure that HOF exists anymore, so does the induction still count?

Stylin ain't so Golden

2006-02-17T09:55:00.000-08:00

"Guess who gave away the gold?"

In the true spirit of the Olympic Games, snowboardcross rider Lindsey Jacobellis was rewarded for her performance on Friday with a silver medal. We call it a reward, because Jacobellis should have been handed the first plane ticket out of Italy for pulling off one of the biggest blunders in Olympic history. Leading the women’s snowboardcross final by a lengthy margin, Jacobellis decided to showboat on one of the last jumps, but she biffed.

The mistake cost her the gold medal, which went to Switzerland’s Tanja Frieden, who slipped past the fallen in disbelief as the American scrambled to get back into the race. Jacobellis had such a huge lead that she managed to get back up and still beat the eventual bronze medalist, Canadian Dominique Maltais.

U.S. coach Peter Foley and the throngs of supporter also couldn’t believe what they were seeing.

"She definitely styled that a little too hard," he said.

Foley calls it “stying”, the host Italians call is “stupido”. After being featured predominantly in a Visa commercial leading up to the games, we’re wondering if the credit card company is going to ask for a refund?

Weir(d) Way to Lose a Medal

2006-02-16T23:50:00.000-08:00

The biggest mouth at the Turin Olympics had few words for his lackluster performance on Thursday after missing the bus to the event of all things. But for Johnny Weir, the “prettiest flower on the ice” was all dried up after choking away a 2nd place start. Weir got his bus schedules crossed up and missed his transportation from the Olympic village to the rink.

After flapping his gums all week on topics ranging from triple Lutz’s to conservative America’s uncomfortable take on his “floweriness”, Weir stuck both skates in his mouth after the pulling off one of the biggest gaffs in Olympic history.

After whining about the lack of room service in his room and the “dust on the floor”, Weir failed to get the message that bus scheduled were altered to run every 30 minutes, rather than the 10 minute gaps he had expected.

"It was never brought to my attention it would be changed," Weir said. "I guess it's my fault because I didn't bother to ask."

"I learned I definitely want to stay in a hotel," he added.

Might we suggest he take advantage of the wake up calls while he’s there.

Ay Carumba!

2006-02-15T21:09:00.000-08:00

"Hey that's not Pancho Villa!"

The Houston 1836 (formerly the San Jose Earthquakes), appears to have a little PR situation on their hands and they haven’t played a second of soccer in Texas yet. It seems that the name, a tribute to the year Houston was founded, isn’t a big hit with the Hispanic demographic.

What’s the big you ask? Well, the Hispanic demographic is something the team had hoped to win over. Texas has a large Hispanic population, so the picking should be easy right? Well, not when the founding of Houston itself rekindles the fact that Texas seceded from Mexico.

The fact that the 1836 also incorporates the image of Sam Houston into the team logo doesn’t sit well with many Mexicans. Houston’s defeat of Santa Ana still chaps some hides, but the marketing department of the recently relocated franchise forgot Marketing 101: never piss off a demographic with your brand.