Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, thinking it rather obvious.

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day, ma’am,” says the warden as he motors away.

1. The Normal Boy will never stay more than five minutes in the bathroom alone.
2. The Normal Boy will never smell his or anyone else’s bodily functions.
3. The Normal Boy will never look in a toilet or other sanitary recepticle.
4. The Normal Boy will never kiss a man or other boy.
5. The Normal Boy will never use rouge or lipstick, or dress up in ladies’ clothing or foundation garments, even for “fun.”
6. The Normal Boy will never allow his fingers to enter his own or others’ bodily openings.
7. The Normal Boy will never touch sheep, cows, or other farm animals except on the head.
8. The Normal Boy will never bring unguents, jellies, salves, drawings, postcards, pictures, magazines, fresh meats, mirrors, lingerie, or toilet tissue into his bed.
9. The Normal Boy will never examine his or others’ underwear.
10. The Normal Boy will never drink an unpasteurized beverage.

Relationships:

First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship he refers to it as “that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semiregular basis”.  When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”.  Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy.  But I want you to know there’s always a chance for us”.  This is known as the “I Hate You/I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once.  There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Making friends:

A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things together, and say something like, “I hope we can be good friends.” A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things together, and say nothing.  After years of interacting with this other man, sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn’t confide in his priest or psychiatrist, he’ll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken sentimentality and say something like, “You know, for someone who’s such a jerk, I guess you’re OK.”

Sex:

The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every morning, or maybe both if he’s under 30.  The average woman would like to have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month.
Women prefer 30 – 45 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30 – 45 seconds of foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:

Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.  Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school romances rarely work.

Handwriting:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”.  It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.  Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:

A man has at most six items in his bathroom a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.  A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He buys everything that looks good.  By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies.  Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going out:

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup…

Cats:

Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing up:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, red a book, get the mail.  A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

David Letterman:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth.  Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Clothes:

Men don’t discard clothes.  The average man still has the gym shirt he wore in high school.  He thinks a jacket is “just getting broken in” about the time it develops holes in the elbows.  A man will let new shirts sit on the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting them to use, hoping they’ll become more comfortable with age.
Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year. They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year’s fashions.

Laundry:

Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry.  When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.  This is a myth.

Weddings:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about “the ceremony”. Men talk about “the bachelor party”.

Shoes:

The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes, boots, and slippers.  The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor of her closet.  Most of them hurt her feet.

Socks:

Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Nicknames:

If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.

Eating:

A woman will generally admire an ornate desert for the artistic work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge.
A man will start by grabbing the cherry in the center.

Car repair:

The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair manuals for every car made since World War II.  He will work on a problem himself until it either goes away or turns into something that “can’t be fixed without special tools”.
The average woman thinks “that funny thump-thump noise” is an accurate description of an automotive problem.  She will, however, have the car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than the typical male.

Trust:

The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling around behind her back.  This same woman wouldn’t tell her best friend if she knew the best friends’ mate was having an affair.  She’ll tell all her OTHER friends, however.
The average man won’t say anything if he knows that one of his friend’s mates is fooling around, and he’d rather not know if his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one of his friends.  He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though, so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.

Driving:

A typical man thinks he’s Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind the wheel of his car.  The fact that it’s an 8-year-old Honda doesn’t keep him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who’s attempting to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The Right Stuff on the morning commute.  Does he or doesn’t he?  Only his body shop knows for sure.  Insurance companies understand this behavior, and price their policies accordingly.
A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to her makeup.

Shopping:

It’s no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men. Men don’t like to shop.  If a man can’t foist the job off on some woman, he will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition. He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in color Y in the correct size, which he doesn’t know.  Even then it takes himhalf an hour to get there from the entrance.  When he’s finally accomplished his mission, he’ll discover that he forgot his checkbook.
Women shop to relax.

There’ll be Dutchmen too, by jingo,
Who’ll refuse to speak the lingo,
Coming over for the bingo
And the dogs.
And through this umbilical,
Seeking knickers from St. Michael,
Girls from Rotterdam will cycle
In their clogs.

There’ll be Danes on every corner
Faces pink after a sauna,
trying hard to sell us porno
Graphic books.
There’ll be men like Julius Caesar
Getting in without a visa
Careless architects from Pisa
Bloody crooks.

There’ll be wealthy German campers
With enormous picnic hampers
Full of sauerkraut and champers
And pork pies.
There’ll be Eyeties slick and smarmy,
Reared on pizza and salami,
Turning up at Veeraswamy
Without ties.

There’ll be Swedes of charmless candour
Coming over to philander,
Spreading left-wing propaganda
About wealth.
Belgian girls of vast proportions
Who have failed to take precautions
Driving over for abortions
On the Health.

There’ll be Spanish senoritas
Jamming all our parking meters
With their miserable pesetas
(I don’t know !).
And senoras doing sambas
Shouting “vamos” and “caramba”
And believing that the amber
Light means “Go”.

There’ll be Austrians with poodles
Wanting membership of Boodles
Then demanding apple strudels
With their tea.
There’ll be lecherous Kuwaitis
Driving lorryloads of Katies
From the Thames to the Euphrates
C.O.D.

There’ll be men from Lithuania
From Rumania and Albania
From Tasmania and Pennsylvania
I’ve no doubt.
So, dear immigration panel
Boys in sports jackets and flannel,
Please protect our English Channel
Throw them out!.

Read carefully, and you will learn a lot:

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummmies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.

The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”

God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother’s birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horribel death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.

The government of England was a limited mockery. From the womb of Henry VIII Protestionism was born. He found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.

Queen Elisabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When Elisabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Amarillo.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

Requirements:

• White & Ugly.  You should look like a truck has just ran you over, and dragged you for 2 or more miles on the asphalt.  (Being a Skin-HEAD is a good start and is a PLUS!).
• Hate Just about everyone, and anyone who is smarter than you. (Which IS everyone, except others like you that is).
• Must enjoy walking the streets at night in a white sheet carrying mis-spelled banners, and chanting illiterate slogans against peaceful ETHNIC groups, not bothering anyone or anything.  (Voice like Wally George or Morton Downey is a PLUS).
• Must be willing to carry MAKE-SHIFT crosses drenched in flamable liquids, and be able to set them a-flame, with out lighting yourselves too.  (We loose more people this way!).
• Applicant must be over the age of 15, and recently been kicked out, dropped out, or fell out of high school. (Applicants who have Graduated from high school still qualify as long as they accomplished it by cheating, paying off, or threatening their teachers).
• You must be willing to disembowel unarmed ethnic people, (Except ethnic WHITES), in the name of, “PRESERVING OUR GREAT COUNTRY”, and for “GOD”.  (Being a member of a church that advocates any of the above, IS A BIG PLUS++++).
• Applicant must also be able to hold T.V. conferences and host talk shows directed toward the BIGOT in general.  (Again, working for Morton Downey, or Wally George is a BIG PLUS!!).

If you can answer yes, (Da, ya) to any of the above, we want to hear from you!
Please call as soon as possible.
For the first 500 people that qualify, you will receive this handsome jacket with the WAGIT logo

(White Are Good, It True!)

Call toll free 1-(800) BUT-WIPE, That’s 1-(800) 288-9473
CALL NOW!!!!

Remember our slogan:
“I wanted to be a WAGIT, now I are one!”

Any woman that you become extremely attracted to will tell you that you are
the best friend that a woman could ever have.

Being told that you are nice is:
the equivalent to her saying, “I wish that you were my brother.”
a curse.  her way of saying that “I hope we can just be friends”.

A Slut is a woman that will sleep with anyone.  A Bitch is a woman that will
sleep with anyone but you.  All women are Bitches.

Only beautiful women who are engaged or engaged to be engaged or married or your mother’s best friend will think that you are a wonderful person that any woman would die for.

These same women will be completely dumbfounded at the revelation that you don’t go out with a hundred women a week.  Much less one.

When a woman says “No!” she really means “Yes!” — except, of course, when she means “NO!”

Unless you make over a million dollars a year, you must completely ignore and demean a woman to gain here affection.  If you completely disregard her
existence, she’ll die for you.

The degree of subtlety used by a woman is inversely proportional to how
attracted you are to her.  If you are absolutely in love with everything about
her, her hints will amount to, “I really like your roommates new shoes.”  If
you have no attraction to her what-so-ever, she will ask you to come spend a
week with her in the Bahamas.

A woman will confide in you that she slept with your best friend and that he
treated her like dirt afterwards.  She will go on-and-on for hours, until she
builds up enough nerve to ask him out again.

Every woman that you meet that you are instantly attracted to will be:
Married,  heavily dating the same guy for the 3rd year,  a lesbian  my brother’s ex-girlfriend.

A “Taken” woman will tell you that you are a great-looking guy, but that looks
don’t matter anyway and that she’d go out with you if she wasn’t already
dating someone.

“Taken” women are the only women capable of understanding your wonderful sense of humor, you amazing musical talent, your tremendous sensitivity, and gracious generosity.

A Woman will talk to you about a certain guy that they think is a real jerk,
wondering what any Woman would see in him, and then ask you to set them up.

Women will absolutely drive you crazy and seemingly make no sense.

Women will confuse you and make you distraught.

Women are the most wonderful things in the entire world.  They are the most
precious element that the world could ever know.  Everything from the way
they look to the way they talk to the way the move, walk, sigh, gesture,
dance, smile, laugh, cuddle, squeeze, tease, hug, caress, smell, taste –  is
fantastic.