So how does one answer the question without resorting to over-generalized , uninspired dreck? How about one more zen-like saying, one cliché to rule them all. You find love by learning how to love yourself. Yup, I went there but it’s one of the most important, and most overlooked, facets of a successful love life.

What does it mean? Loving yourself? It means taking the time to learn what makes you tick and embracing it without question. Why is this important? Let’s cover that later. What does it look like when you’re failing to do so?

It can actually take many forms. Some people get down on themselves, constantly depressed and too much of a headcase to hang around. One step from that might be depressed but functional. You go out, you hang out, but you’re not necessarily engaged with anyone. Helps to have some mild social anxiety disorder as this will allow you to act completely weird while mixing it up with a group of acquaintances. It can be camouflaged, where everything about you seems normal, but you can’t actually maintain a normal relationship. Egomania is another form, you can overcompensate to the point of being a giant pain in the ass to anyone who crosses your parth. Each of these scenarios, and countless others, require work and reflection to truly overcome the inherent mindset.

Regardless, getting into a relationships when you’re not right in the head leads to major issues. In some cases, you’re just emotionally unavailable and not pleasant to be around. In other cases, you think you’re trying hard, but really it’s all superficial and doesn’t get you anywhere.

The worst case, and maybe the most common, is the co-dependent relationship. Regardless of how it sounds, it’s not actually an equal dependency. Rather one person is the needy one and the other is the enabler. The enabler looks and feels and sounds like a great person, supportive and protective to a fault. The needy person, they seem to have found the perfect mate and everything is great. For a while. Until the enabler becomes too overbearing, the protective instincts become controlling, the empathy becomes pity, and the only way to get control of things is to…try to get even more controlling. The needy person feels suffocated but still wants the attention to bask in. It’s bad. Not a good situation.

So what does it mean to love yourself, how does it relate to this? It all comes back to self-esteem, self-image, and self-worth. Remember, there’s a difference in arrogance, which is just another form of insecurity, and confidence. When you’re comfortable in your own skin, it shows whether you see it or not. Why do we appreciate self-deprecating humor? Not because it’s so funny, not because we secretly hate the other person, it’s because we see strength and security in the person who can make fun of themselves. No one is perfect, the folks who accept that and can relay that back to others are comforting and inviting.

This is the tip of the iceberg. Learning to accept who you are isn’t an indictment, it’s not resignation, it’s permission to become stagnant. Just as you would love someone with their faults and quirks, you have to learn to see the unique possibilities in yourself. When you do, the folks you attract into your life will be the people of the same mindset.

And that’s how you find love. And that’s why it’s important to be the best version of yourself as often as you can. In life, you will attract what you’re seeking. If you’re actually needy or enabling or bored or excited, you’ll be looking for the match to fill what’s missing. If you’re happy and fulfilled, you won’t be looking for someone to fill the void, you’ll be looking for someone to share the wealth.

Coming up: Commencement

Think about the last time you talked to your friends about anything. TV show, movie review, guy problems, women issues, family vacations, doesn’t really matter. What was the real point of it? Were you looking to get input from someone, hoping to gain a new perspective that you hadn’t considered before? Or were you actually venting in the form of conversation, lamenting about the state of this or that, and then moving on to the next issue?

The real truth lies in the fact that we don’t really strive to be so enlightened. Rather, we unload our issues into the ether and we feel a little bit better. Then we listen to responses, and those that confirm our opinions, we take to heart. Those that do not, we brush aside. Then we move on, whether that’s to lament some more or we take turns and listen to the others in the group to repeat the exercise.

Maybe this isn’t your reality, but I bet if you pay attention, you’ll find more of this happens than you realize. Quick example, or examples. I’ve been called a great listener by some and an insolent, overpowering ass, by the same people. That’s because sometimes I listen, I nod along, and I allow the other person to basically unload their worries and fears and hopes and dreams upon me. Whatever words I offer aren’t meant to incite or provoke, rather I offer support. I realize the conversation taking place isn’t about discussion or advice, it’s simply an opportunity for the other person to vent.

At other times, I challenge and probe. I make judgment, I assess and pontificate, I’m an active participant in the discussion. These instances can be marred by escalating arguments that don’t actually help the situation. The interesting thing here, the other person may have only wanted to vent, but when they got a response that neither confirmed nor comforted them, it suddenly became a struggle of wills. Not even focused on the issue at hand, but simply trying to prove each other’s point of view needed to be validated by the other party. It’s sad and funny to think, that a huge argument isn’t really about whether we could afford a new TV or how much vacation you should take or if I should change jobs or why the newest movie sucked. The argument is actually about acknowledging a different point of view and accepting it as legitimate, and even that might not be enough because the other person doesn’t want acknowledgement, they want validation that they are right over your wrong.

There’s one more step to this whole thing: acknowledging what’s happening and working through it as it occurs. When you realize someone is coming to you to complain or vent, you very well could sit back and allow it to happen. That’s not to say you become a stump on a log or an ever-agreeing puppet, but it is saying you listen with intent and you simply allow them to voice what they need to voice. In a very real way, it’s not that they don’t care what you have to say, it’s that they need to hear what they’re going to say. This usually opens the doors to meaningful communication as well, as they will seek your input once they’ve unburdened themselves. And if they really aren’t listening to you, they’re doing that thing of “if it matches my point I agree and if it doesn’t I ignore” nodding along, well, that’s not the worst thing in the world. None of us have to take it personally.

The very last thing about communication: we all have limited time, whether that’s 90 years or 9 days, we don’t really know. What we do know is that wasting time on fruitless endeavors is not only unproductive, but a missed opportunity to embrace the limited time that we do have. Communicating well is a good use of time, it creates social bonds that can last a life time. Maybe you’re nodding along right now, maybe you’re ignoring this post, whatever the case may be, I appreciate the audience.

Coming up: How to find love

Seriously, rejection comes at the most inopportune times, right? But that comes with the territory, if you’re willing to put time and effort into something that usually means it’s worth something to you. And if that’s the case, being denied the possibility of that something stings. Maybe even more than stings, maybe it scorches. Then you’re faced with questions like, now what? Or what next? Questions you hadn’t necessarily considered because you were too focused on getting that first thumbs up. Sigh. It’s tough.

So, how to cope with it? How do I cope with the crash-and-burn from that beautiful, intelligent, sweet lady I met yesterday on the way to work? How do I get past the denial from the project I was preparing for last week? How do I make my way past the rejection letter from the college, or colleges, I applied to last fall? How do I suck it up when everyone is at the party and I didn’t get invited?

Easy, put it perspective. It’s not about struggling past it, it’s not about finding the silver lining, it’s not about transforming the “failure” into a clichéd “positive”. It’s simply about taking a step outside of yourself and putting things in perspective.

For some cases, that will mean getting past it and moving on, but not because you need to show intestinal fortitude. No, you want to get past it because the best course of action is to keep trying until you get what you’re seeking. Whether that’s the next big project, the next big client, another chance to ask someone out, the so-called rejection is really just a footnote in the ongoing episode called life. You keep going because nothing ended, nothing is set in stone, and your best bet is to keep excelling.

In other cases, when you really start to think about things and put them into perspective you begin to realize the significance they take. You got turned down for a job interview, well there will likely be more coming up. Plus, if they didn’t think you were qualified at the screening stage, better to know early that way you can move on to other prospects. Is it a silver lining, is it the opening of a window? Call it what you want, but sometimes it’s good to realize there’s just as much good as there is bad to an outcome.

More than anything, perspective allows you to accept and move on. No one says you have to like the rejection, but the reality is that nothing is going to help you less than wallowing in that rejection. Obsessing over something you could have or should have changed is equivalent to listening to children exclaim how life isn’t fair when they didn’t get what they wanted. What’s our general response after a requisite amount of empathy? Kid, life isn’t fair, learn to live with it. Take those words and apply it to yourself and you’ll find the pity-party dissolve quite quickly.

Folks, rejection isn’t pleasant and no amount of wisdom will ease the pain right now. Maybe though, the wisdom gleaned today will apply to tomorrow. And if that’s the case, you can look forward to that next rejection, when you plan to kick it in the pants and toss it aside. After all, you’ve got better things to do than sit back and watch it take over your life.

Coming Up: You were going to say something? No one cares.

How many lists, articles, jokes, snide asides, stereotypes, and all around general consensus do you need to reaffirm that the crazies reside with the double-X’ers? Do these jeans make me look fat? Yes, but you already know that so why are you asking me. Then you get mad at me for either, A) telling the truth and hurting your feelings, or B) lying to you because I’m just trying to make you feel better. Wait, what? And we can extrapolate this inevitable argument in countless scenarios: Who were you looking at right now? Do you think she’s pretty? Who would you put on your list? Do you think it’s bad to tell my friend that he’s cheating on her? Are you even listening to me? Sigh.

Better yet, what about the mind-f’ing that is employed for no apparent reason? Do you think she’s cute? Nope, not at all. You’re lying, even I know she’s cute. Nope, I don’t think so. Stop it, just tell me the truth. I am, I don’t even think about her in that way. So you think about her, though? What, no, I guess. Well you just said you did. I know, no, I don’t think about her. Then why did you say you did. I don’t know. You think she’s cute, huh, just admit it. No. Just admit it! No! Why are you getting mad at me?!? Sigh.

But then you take a look at the idiots that women have to deal with and can you blame them? Typical man behavior includes watching TV, getting up to grab a drink, sitting down to watch more TV, staying there for an inordinate amount of time, then rushing up to the bathroom for an extended commercial break. Really, you find that show about pawn shops so enthralling that you’re willing to stretch your bladder like a water balloon just to see how much the bouncing banjo sells for? You can’t answer a simple question like, what would you like to do for dinner because Bear Grylls needs to drink his own piss to fake survive a snowstorm? You don’t have the intelligence to stop talking about last night’s game at dinner when the other half of the table is zoning out into oblivion? Are you that dense? Are you that obtuse?

Better yet, what about the retreat to stupidity when all logic points to the obvious. Really, you don’t need to ask for directions because you’ve never driven in this city before and you have no idea where to go without a working GPS? Really, nothing is wrong even though you just slammed the door and hammered a nail through workbench? Really, you never thought to call back because even though you chatted all night long you weren’t actually interested in anything unless it happened that night? That’s more of an ass thing to do than a dumb thing, but we can lump them into the umbrella category.

So there you have it, both genders engender the expected responses. If women are going to approach every situation and conversation with a point of view that is perplexingly contradictory, then men have but no option to play dumb and reduce the friction. And if men are going to act like knuckle-dragging idiots, women have no other course of action than to tease out the underlying truths. It’s the opposite of a virtuous cycle, a maddening loop of devolving conjecture, or as we all know, life.

If you thought the examples were too simplistic, clichéd, or uninspired, they were meant to be. Life isn’t stereotypes, we don’t operate as cookie-cutter genders, and little of what happens to us can be defined as a succinct soundbyte…as accurate as it may seem. Women aren’t crazy. Men aren’t dumb. Women aren’t dumb. Men aren’t crazy. Well, some might be, actually a lot, but let’s not fall victim to easy generalizations.

When you spend time to understand you find that comprehending someone is both complex and simple at the same time. You realize that person is an individual, their thoughts, fears, aspirations, all unique and shaped by a life of experiences. Either you spend time learning the nuances or you approach everything with a blank slate and an open mind. It’s through empathy, not sympathy, that we can confound each other with greater wisdom and support than ever imagined. Do your best to open your heart, things will look a lot less crazy and dumb when you do.

Coming up: Coping with rejection is easy

I know, I know, that’s a bit of a let-down. We can all figure out how to dream better, that’s not the actual goal. The goal is to figure out how to live better. Well, the answer is actually the same, in a roundabout way. What happens after you achieve this lucid state? You realize the possibilities of the world are bound only by your imagination. You can walk around, float around, as the king or queen of your universe. You can visit everywhere you’ve always wanted, you can see anything your heart desires, you can find the people you want to see. You can shrink to nothingness and explore or you can speed off to space and find otherworldly adventure. This is what happens when there are no boundaries, your mind wanders freely.

So what’s stopping me from doing that now? Besides the laws of physics? There’s work, work is always there. You can’t work, right? Pay the bills, pay for meals, pay for a car, pay for clothes, pay for everything. It’s not exactly feasible to drop work.

What else? Responsibility. Family life. Children. Parents. Friends. You don’t just up and leave, that’s called being flighty. Irresponsible. Disconnected from reality. Naïve. Dangerously naïve.

Anything else? Fear. Not physical fear. Fear of failure. Fear of bucking the norm and falling flat on my face. Fear of leaving a job to chase something intangible. Fear of doing something that doesn’t have a known outcome.

All valid points, and all points we live by. Who sees the world as boundless opportunity outside of the chosen few? Who imagines a future that is the realization of a dream and then fulfills that potential? It’s only the lucky ones. Look at how many other folks fail at those dreams. How many future movie stars are today’s waiters and busboys? How many would-be billionaires are delusional kids in their apartments scheming on a business plan? How many potential writers are English teachers and copy editors? Too many.

It’s easy to say it’s too daunting. Odds are, it is. One thing is for sure though. Dreaming it means it exists somewhere in the recesses of our minds. If it exists as an idea, we can make it a reality. It’s hard to accomplish anything that wasn’t first an idea. From building a rocket to brushing your teeth, it all starts as ideas.

I’m one of those stump-on-a-log sleepers, I’m basically a large mass of uselessness during slumber. I don’t wake up easily once asleep, and when I do, I remember nothing. I rarely glean what I dreamt about the night before, and if I do, those thoughts wash away quickly. It’s not uncommon, I know, but I really don’t have much to show for my dreams. There is one that is burned in my memory, it’s a clip that lasts maybe two seconds. I was at the top of a staircase, and in a second, I leaned forward and swooped down to fly past someone at the bottom. I flew. It was astounding. That was one that was high on the list. Now, it’s time to tackle the others, in my dreams, and in my days.

Coming up: Women are crazy, men are stupid