Would I? Could I? Loose Some Weight?

Favorite Foods: Mott's Granny Smith Apple Sauce

2007-12-27T11:35:00.000-05:00

I have fallen in love with the Mott's Granny Smith Apple Sauce. Each cup is 1 WW point each and only 15 grams of carbs because there is no sugar. Plus, it is sweet enough naturally to not need any sweetener added. It's yummy.

It's been a while

2007-12-27T10:44:00.000-05:00

It's been a while- a year and a half since I last posted here. I have been around and I have been working on loosing weight. I came back because I saw some comments from my last post and it inspired me to come back. Hopefully I can keep this up.

In two years, what has happened: diabetes.

This is possibly the best thing that has happened to me because it made me really take responsibility for the food I choose to eat. It has been almost a year since my diagnosis and it has done wonders for my weight. It has not been easy, but I have taken off almost 20 pounds in the past 9 months because of the changes I have made to my diet. Between cutting sugars and sticking with Weight Watchers I have been more successful in these 9 months than I have ever been in my life.

The first thing I did was cut out high fructose corn syrup. It's was in virtually everything I ate. It's actually not in candy, but it is in ketchup, bread, canned soups, cookies, yogurt and more. I cut out soda entirely and went to seltzer water for the fizz. I have been making more of my own meals rather than buying frozen meals because of this. I have I have done nothing more than cut out the high fructose corn syrup right now and it has made the 20 pound difference.

The high fructose corn syrup problem has been one I love to talk to my family about. My parents have been watching the labels and choosing better foods and my extended family, even though they are not aware of my health issues, have heard my rant about them and keep it away from me. The last time I went to visit my parents my mother displayed her food purchases with pride so I could see how important this was to her.

I have also been working on eating until I am satisfied. I have been a fast eater for years and I tend to want to sample everything and then have more of what I really liked. I would also walk away from the table feeling like I was ready to split in half. Now I stop eating as soon as I stop feeling hungry. I am working on slowing down when I eat so I can be truly satisfied when my mind tells me I am.

Now that I know I can loose this weight I need to take more control over my diet. This is easy in winter. Cooking bring much needed heat to my apartment. I need to cut my cholesterol as well. Less carbs and sugars has meant more fat so I have to watch that as well. I also need to figure out the exercise thing. A friend suggested dance classes to get me back in shape. I know I would do better if I had someone to workout with, but most people are in much better shape than I am.

All in all, I am on track for success this time. I hope I can do it and I hope I can keep this blog updated with my efforts.

Best Intentions

2006-02-14T22:16:00.000-05:00

I had the best intentions of going to the meetings and sticking to the program after I signed up for Weight Watchers again. I have been very bad for the past two weeks. It has been a lack of desire to say no to myself. I decided to crack down on myself this week and I went out and bought all my lunches ahead of time and left them at work so I only have to pull one our to have lunch. I purchased snacks to keep at work - sweets that are not horrible for me. I also started taking the stairs again. I keep forgetting my pedometer, but I am working on it. When it warms up again I am back in the water and swimming or I will be riding the bikes. I am going to buy myself a bike with my tax refund so I can bike around. I am going to stick to the plan this time and take this seriously.
Meanwhile, rumor has it that there is finally a decent low-fat brownie mix out there and it's by Betty Crocker. Anyone out there know about it?

The Great Brownie Hunt

2006-01-30T15:46:00.000-05:00

One of my biggest weight loss struggles is finding junk food that will allow me to enjoy the food I love, but also prevent me from eating all my Weight Watcher Points in one bite. The leading issue is finding an enjoyable brownie recipe. Nothing is as delicious as a box-mix brownie. I grew up on them and their perfection. From the crispy outer edges to the still gooey middle. I have to stop now and drool over the mere thought of one.

I will now share with you what I call the Great Brownie Hunt. I need to find a better way to make the brownies I love. Something that will be better for me than the oil and egg concoction that helped make me what I am today (120 lbs over weight). Please feel free to share your experiences with the recipe's I mention or to suggest your own. I wish I could let you all taste what I make, but some of these I would not wish on my mother and she has been the one to give me many of these.

For starters, one she gave me I call the diet coke brownie. I was never able to get use to the taste of diet soda. I can't even drink diet Dr. Pepper without cringing a bit. Nothing tastes the same as the original recipe syrup or any soda. Also, most diet soda leave rancid aftertastes sitting in my mouth. So, when she gave me this recipe I hesitated to try it out of fear that this taste would be in my beloved brownie. Eventually, desperate for a healtier brownie, I caved in and made the recipe.

Here it is:
- Take one box of brownie mix (preferably just traditional brownie mix without nuts or caramel or anything like that)
- 2 bottle of diet coke (20 oz bottle, not a can or 2 liter bottle)
Mix the two together slowly as there will be fizz and brownie mix everywhere.
When they are mix together, take a miffin tin and 1/2 fill each cup.
Bake for about 20 minutes at 350.
What you will get is a pudding like substance on the bottom and a fluffy fizzed out substance on the top.

At first this may seem great. I ate two before I realized that they were beyond messy and did not firm up like normal brownies do. After that they just sat there and got moldy. Everyone who saw them gave them the same look they give mystery freezer items. It was a sad existance for those brownies.

I'm Back

2006-01-29T09:29:00.000-05:00

It's been a good 6 months or more, but I am back on program and going to meetings. It's not a new years thing, its a new raise thing. It's amazing what some money in the wallet will motivate me to do... well other than go shopping.

What has been happening? I have managed to maintain weight. I stood on my scale this morning to get an idea of where I was and it seems that I may have gained a pound or 2 the past 6 months. I am impressed it wasn't more like 10 -15 lbs.

As I said, I got a raise at work which is a significant one. It was suppose to come through over the summer, but since it was almost a year ago I get paid retroactively and got a nice bonus with this last pay check. It's allowing me to pay ahead for my meetings and giving me one less excuse to not make Weight Watchers meeting.

For the holidays I got a Palm Pilot as a gift and someone gave me the Weight Watcher journal software so I have been playing with keeping track with it. I have to jounal on paper for a while just to make sure I keep up.

I have stopped swimming, but it's winter. I did go to Miami in early fall last year and I am still in decent shape for swimming. I plan on picking it up again as soon as it warms up. I haven't started doing anything else though. I did pick up my pedometer the other day so I have been counting steps this week. I am going to try and just make sure I walk the required number of steps a day.

I am no longer working at the gas station. I won't need to do it again this year. It had made me really good about cutting donuts out of my diet.

Anyway, I am off to my first Weight Watchers meeting since July. WIsh me luck!

I'm back on program

2005-09-03T11:11:00.000-04:00

My friend Mandy has decided to start weight watchers. Neither of us can afford meetings, but we are going to do it together and Firday mornings is our "weigh in" day. I have a scale of my own as does she so I have been giving her some of my material since I have some extra stuff.
Its difficult to do weight watchers without support... no, it's nearly impossible. I can't afford meetings and that just screws me up. Hopefully having a friend to talk to about it will help me.

As for swimming - I went on vacation and it threw me off. I have to get moving again and get back in the water.

I can do it - I just have to remember what I am doing it for.

Being Accountable for My Choices

2005-08-15T12:05:00.000-04:00

I am learning that it is important that one be accountable for their choices. It is important to be able to justify why we made the choices we made. I have been contacted by someone I havent spoken to in 10 years. I happen to remember why we stopped speaking, but she does not. She also still thinks of me as the girl I was 10 years ago. I have responded to her emails and I feel that it is important for her to understand who I am vs. who I was. Part of what I have left out is the one thing I am ashamed of: my weight.
She already wants to see me when I go home for Thanksgiving. I have until then to loose some weight. I have been very lax these past few weeks. I have had other things on my mind. I have gained a good 50 lbs in the 10 years. I don't intend to try and loose all of that, but 10 or 15 would be nice. I will need to swim when I get back from my vacation and get back on the WW plan even if I am not going to meetings.

It's hard

2005-07-28T14:44:00.000-04:00

Seasons effect me in different ways. In the summer it is really easy for me to go swimming because it is so hot out. Just being in the water is a nice change. At the same time, the last thing I want to do is cook during a heat wave. It just makes it hotter to have the stove or oven on. This past week has been a good example of this, the last thing I wanted to do was cook. I ate out two nights in a row because I was so hot. Also, being in the car means being in the AC. The winter will be the exact opposite. I won't want to swim because it will be so cold and dark when I get to swim and I will want to cook because the heat from the over and stove warms up the kitchen. It's just the way it is.
Today will be an interesting test though, it's cold out. It's only cold by summer standards - low 70s. After mid-90s all week, the drop is a shock to my system. Will I be tempted to head home and into my bed to snuggle or will I get my butt to the pool and suffer the chill that comes with wet hair? I have a little over an hour to decide...

It's over - I sang

2005-07-19T08:30:00.000-04:00

I no longer have a weekend job. I am so happy to be able to say that, so happy to have that stress removed from my life, just so happy. As a result of this change, my whole routine has changed. Now that I can go out again I am. I can go out to eat with friends, go see movies with friends, etc. For example, on Saturday night when my last shift ended, I met some friends for a night of trivia at a local restaurant. They love to do trivia and took me with them this time. We ate dinner and sat at the bar for the night as the trivia games were played. It was fun, but I ate pizza and drank soda all night (which is better than alcoholic beverages, but still not as good as water). I realized this week that I am going to have to alter my eating again.
1) I have to take my swimming into account. As I said before, I am very hungry after I swim. Debra reminded me that I need to be prepared for the hunger. Since I am swimming every day I think I can use those activity points to add some food back into my diet (thank you weight watchers for allowing us to list activity points and then use them to eat more). I have hesitated to do this before, hoping I would loose weight faster, but I think it's more important to fit swimming into my routine properly. I am in week 4 and this is the critical week where I usually start cutting back on how often I work out until i am not working out at all.
2) I have to take movies and dinners out into account. I can not socialize and not eat. I want food when I see a movie, I want to enjoy myself when I go out with friends. I did this last year without a problem so I should be able to find a place for these activities now.
3) Having weekends free in general will effect my eating. I will not have the temptation and easy access of donuts, but I will have other things like boredom. I must return to counting points and keeping track of things.

Now that I have less stress I can also go back to my blog reading, something I have been very bad about over the past few weeks. It's catchup and comment time!

I just want to eat

2005-07-13T17:14:00.000-04:00

I have not been very mature this week, I just keep eating. I am eating proper foods, but I am not controling it. I think it has to do with my frustration with time not passing fast enough. I have one more shift at my weekend job and these past few shifts, since I gave my notice, have been more stressful than any other shift. They changed my schedule at the last minute on last Saturday, the guy who covers me when I am on my break allowed someone to pump after their credit card was not read. I had to stop that drive off and then I had another one because he wasn't around to help me watch during a busy period. I just don't understand why they dont require prepaying pumps. I think it solves so many problems! Anyway, I am so excited about the last shift. I can ignore Dunkin Dognuts when I am not there all weekend.
I am still swimming. If I can get past the one month mark I will be very happy. I usually do not stick with workouts for more than a month. I think the key is to get obsessed with it - well for me it probably is. I have had to order a new bathing suit. The one I have been wearing is tearing at the bra lining. Its a brand new suit so I called Lane Bryant's Catalog (I will deal with that issue another day) and they are sending me a whole new suit. I selected a totally different suit, something with a higher neck. I am not use to a low neck line so I constantly feel like my boobs are popping out - it's not comfortable at all. The new one looked like it had a higher neck line so let's cross our fingers that it does. I am also getting better with my swimming. First, I am swimming 1200 meters in a little over a half hour now. My father swims about twice as much in 45 minutes so I want to be able to do 45 minute workouts and maybe do that many laps - especially by the time I go home to visit them again. I am also doing flip turns! This has been very difficult because it requires a certain level of stamina that I barely have. I am not struggling for breath like I was when I first started, but I am still not at my ideal stamina. As a reward for being so dedicated my parents have sent me some water gloves with webbing between the fingers. This will help me with my strokes, it will pull them through the water faster.
My swimming has also effected my eating and I realized that it was always like this. I leave my workout exhausted and starving. Making up for this has also caused the above problem. I just eat when I get home. Today is the first day I haven't brought food into the den after my work out. Maybe I can act mature for the rest of the week and not gorge after workouts.

The Stress....

2005-07-06T10:02:00.000-04:00

I have been under a lot of stress for the past few days, mostly extended family related. I have been trying my best to not turn to food to help me through this and rather turn to something healtier. I admit I haven't been very successful with that goal. I have been swimming though and since my arms are no longer sore I have been able to swim a bit faster. By the end of July I would really like to have the stamina to do some flipturns though. I have also given my two week notice at my weekend job - the job where I spend much of my time eating donuts. I decided to give up trying to avoid them for the next three shifts because in trying to avoid them I just eat more. Maybe if I just eat donuts and muffins when I want them then I will be better off; I will do less damage if you will.
I have made a decision that I will probably not be weighing in until I am done at the gas station job. I am going to go to meetings for the support, but in general I am just going to avoid the weight in so I don't discourage myself. I just have to keep swimming and I eating properly the rest of the week. Maybe, if I feel as if it will be a good day, I will weight in this week. I just don't know right now... I have to get rid of the stress for the moment.

It's just not healthy

2005-06-30T09:19:00.000-04:00

I happen to live with an interesting family situation. My parents and sister live on the other side of the country from me, but the rest of my mothers family lives less than 2 hours away from me (the closest being my grandparents who just live an hour away). As a result, I don't spend a lot of holidays with my parents, but rather with my extended family. I moved to Massachussetts because I had family here, family that is close to each other. When I came to visit as a child I always felt like I was missing out on something because I didn't live here. I am not sure what I expect from my extended family, but in the past 3.5 years that I have lived here I know that I don't like them or myself when I am with them.
For example, with my parents there is a more equal division of labor. My father is in charge of cleaning up after dinner when my mother cooks. With my extended family it's like they are stuck in the 1950s. The women do it all and then hire other women to help them clean up after a meal while the men just sit and watch TV. Every so often a man may help with something, but in general it's tv for the men. I am a feminist - I can't stand the idea of men doing nothing while women work. It shocked the hell out of me to see this when I first moved here. I would make a point of sitting with the men because I was going to protest the traditional gender roles. I hate sports, but damn it, I was protesting! Eventually I learned that if I drank to the point of being drunk it would silence the internal feminist and allow me to at least enjoy the evening and help. All the alcohol also made me hungrier and made me eat more at family events. It didn't help that they make enough food to feed an army, that they pick all evening and have multiple courses with long breaks between each one so we can digest and have room for more. The alcohol not only silences the feminist, but also the responsible eater in me.
Recently I have realized that I can't continue with this. First of all, it throws me off when I eat these big meals. It's not healthy for me to eat so much. Second, it's not healthy that I drink so much. Forget the issue of feeling I have to drink with my family, the calories in alcoholic beverages throws me off as well. Third, the issue of feeling like I have to drink is horrible - it's boarderline alcoholism. I don't usually drink at all so for me to go from zero to, what I call, familial alcoholism is not healthy. Fourth, the stress that comes out of these family events is not healthy. I am not necessarily a stress eater, but stress in general is not healthy.
So, the final decision is this: NO MORE. No more family dinners, no more drinking, no more over eating, no more stressing. Unless my parents are in town I will be avoiding all family events. I will still go visit my grandparents, but I am going to make other plans for traditional family events. First up, the Jewish high holidays. What usually results in about 3 dinners in two weeks will now be NONE. It's not like I even practice Judaism anymore - I am an atheist. I only go to the dinners for the food. Next, Thanksgiving: back home to see my parents. Third, Passover: I have been invited to visit my best friend next Passover. We plan on not doing anything, but we will be doing nothing together. Fourth, Mother's Day: in theory next year I would like to be with my mother for mother's day. The added excuse - gas prices are too high for me to just go see them for a simple dinner. If they actually want to see me they know where I live and can mapquest me.

Seeing the difference

2005-06-29T15:41:00.000-04:00

Of the family photos at my desk, I am in all of them. There are two that are right above my computer monitor that show me when I started my weight loss in January 2004 and the other one shows me after 20lbs off 6 months later. The only difference you can see if in my face. In the later picture you can see some of the original lines in my face, those that had already lost the shaplessness of fat. I have high cheekbones, but you would never really know that. I remember last year when I had lost so much weight. I would look in the mirror and for the first time see the changes in my body rather than expereincing the change in size through clothes. I became bolder with my clothing at that time, something I have retained even as I began to put the weight back on and then take it off again. In picture one I am wearing a shapeless blouse and my hair is long. In picture two I am actually in formal clothing. Rather than black, I selected a bright apple red top and I went sleeveless. This was actually at a wedding and I started the evening with a matching shawl, but by the end of the night I was drunk enough to feel comfortable without it and to actually dance with someone other than my father (what, what, what?). My hair was short then and while it can be a pain to take care of, I think I like myself better thinner with short hair. I wish I had some extra money to get a haircut with because I think I am ready to chop it all off again. Actually, I am ready to return to that phase in my weight loss and then take it even further because I want to see what my face really looks like under all this fat.
My swimming is coming along. I have decided that if I can stick with it for over a month (until the end of July) then I will start investing money in it (assuming I have some to do so with).

New Goal Reached

2005-06-27T22:57:00.000-04:00

I have been swimming for a week now and for a week I have managed to swim 1,000 meters. It was tough to begin, but now things are feeling much more natural. Now I just need to work on sticking to this workout so I can build more stamina. So I am canceling out one goal and replacing it with being able to do the 1,000 meters in a half hour. For anyone who may be curious what my beginners routine is, here you go:
Warm Up: 50 meters each Freestyle (Crawl), Breaststroke, Backstroke
Main: 100 meters Freestyle, 100 meters Breaststroke, 50 meters Backstroke
Using kickboard: 50 meters breaststoke kick and 50 meters freestyle kick until you have completed 200 meters (100 meters of each in total)
50 meters Backstroke, 100 meters Breaststroke, 100 meters Freestyle
Warmdown:50 meters each Backstroke, Breaststroke, Freestyle

I think this is a good workout for those who are just starting with swimming. Don't try to stick to the 30 minute time limit - I am only there out of luck and the reminants of my childhood swim team training.

Now all I need is this water proof MP3 player. Help me earn the money for it by clicking on the Google ads.

Thanks to everyone who sent me comments over the weekend, especially Rick! Congrats on your own signifigant weight loss. Your right, there is no magic dounut waiting for me. I have to bake it myself...

Post Weigh-In Reflections

2005-06-24T11:48:00.000-04:00

I was down 1.2lbs today to bring me to my first 5 lbs. After all the swimming to make up for my dounut gorge last weekend I am pleased with the results. I am glad to finally reach one goal and be able to set another.
We had a meeting that was to focus on the cost of trying to loose weight - just the cost of food actually. It wasn't really inspiring to me, but like with all meetings, I had one nugget of knowledge to keep in mind. A lifetime member had come to the meeting and it turns out that she actually lost a significant number of lbs when trying to maintain. She explained that she ate poorly last weekend and made up for it during the week by eating less. Her point was that when you have been trying to loose weight for so long it is difficult to give it up. I thought this was very insightful and on point. Maybe this is part of the reason why people can't keep weight off. It brought to mind something a different leader said that a lot of people allow fat to become familiar. We don't know who we are without being fat. So much of my identity has to do with my weight - the way I interact with people, the way I define what I like to do; it all revolves around my weight.
Last year when I first started loosing weight I use to think that once it happened I would be a new person inside as well as out. What I have realized since then is that the weight loss won't magically make me a new person, I have to work just as hard at that as well. If I don't I will always be a fat girl - I will stop the weight loss and gain it all back because I can't remember being anything but a fat girl. In the end, I wonder if I will have a problem letting go of the weight loss process. I will probably be doing it for over a year and I will be comfortable with the process. Will I be able to give it up when all is said and done?
I have had a crummy day since I left my meeting. I was making a deposit of a paycheck that was not as large as I expected and some guy blocked me into my parking spot. He was actually the person behind me at the ATM. So I waited for him to finish before i got pissy. He took his time and when he got in his car he just sat there talking on the phone! I honked my horn, laid on it for a bit and he just rolled up his window and ignored me. He sat there for a whole minute blocking me in the spot. Some nice guy pulled up next to him and told him to move so I could get out of my spot. Thank you to that man, but what the fuck was up with the blocker? Please tell me why anyone would do that? I know i should presume innocence, but could someone really be that dense?
Finally, I want to say thank you to Debra who commented on my last entry. I like the idea of reverse anorexia. It also makes me feel better that I am not the only one with this kind of body misconception. I would love to hear from others who experience the same thing.

Uh Oh...

2005-06-23T10:22:00.000-04:00

I will never wear a bikini, I have always known that and accepted it. Still, nothing prepared me for what I saw in the mirror at the gym. I was standing there in my bathing suit. It's a stomach control one, which doesn't really make a difference since my stomach is about the size of a mini-keg. Anyway, I look in the mirror and realize that I look like Violet from Willy Wonka, but when she's a blueberry. I am basically one large ball or fat with arms and legs sticking out (oh and a head). I was so shocked because I really have no concept of this. I actually think I look better than that.
Later I looked at myself with normal clothes on and I realized that the only difference was my boobs. They made a huge difference, but I still look like a keg, like poor blue violet. I wish I was a blueberry, then this body would make sense.

Last night I had another harsh realization- this is part of my problem. Most women see themselves as fat no matter what they look like. I know I am fat - I am over 250lbs. I just don't preceive myself as fat. I know I am not thin, but I don't see what I really am, how big I really am. If I could just get the reality into my mind I might find easier motivation to loose weight.
I have to wonder if I am alone with this. Are there other fat girls out there who also think they are thinner than they really are?

One more day of swimming this week. My shoulders are screaming in pain. I kept to my 1,000 meter goal yesterday and got to include some kickboard work in it. My shoulders thanked me for the small break. I didn't tell them that today they will be working harder than they would like as I bring in the bouy to do arm work. My arms will obey my command and stop hurting!

More on the swimming

2005-06-22T15:30:00.000-04:00

My endurance shot up in one day - just enough for me to not gasping for air after every 50 meters. I managed to get through a 1,000 meter work out which I thought was pretty good for 30 minutes in my state. My new goal is to maintain that for a week and next Tuesday I will see where I am and adjust the goal from there.
Even though I just started again, my time with Weight Watchers may be coming to an end simply due to financial reasons. I have to see in the next few days if I can make it all work out, but one way or another my Chocolate Caramel 2pt. Bar fixation will have to end. It saves me $5 a week if I cut those out. They are delicious, but not necessary.
I don't want to quit the meetings. I love having the opportunity to weigh in each week on a trustworthy scale. I need the meeting to vent, get encouraged, or to just socialize with others in my situation. I also KNOW I can not do it on my own. If I could do it on my own then I wouldn't be in this situaiton to begin with. If Will Power burned calories I would be at least 2 sizes smaller by now.

I had a very stressful night last night and I am pleased to say I did not turn to food. What it all boils down to is family gossip, a large misunderstanding, and my mother being put in the middle of a situation that has nothing to do with her. I have grown very protective of my mother in the past few years. She and I live on opposite ends of the country and this has been very good for our relationship. I happened to have moved to where she would like to be, but my father's job prevents them from being here. I now see how her family is, how they treat her and how she belittles herself in comparison to them. They see her (and me) as bellow them because we are not wealthy. They see us as weird because we are (god forbid!) feminists who demand equality from the men in our lives (for me it often becomes an excuse to NOT have a man in my life, but whatever). They make her feel bad about being absent and are two-faced in general and last night I think my tolerance of it hit the fan. If it hadn't been for my general exhaustion I would have stressed about it all night, but I begged her not to allow herself to be placed in the middle of a problem the family was having with me. Her brother used it as a distraction from issues that are very important to my mother and it worked. As you can see I am still dwelling on it, but it has not resulted in eating to make me feel better. As I told a friend later, I want to just swim my cares away. It doesn't sound as fun as dancing your cares away, but I don't really dance right now. So I have one hour before I can swim and dwell all at the same time.

Animated Tuesdays

2005-06-21T15:03:00.000-04:00

This is the second Tuesday in a row that I am FULL of energy. Usually at about 4pm I hit a mid-day lull. I want a nap, I don't want to do anything other than sit and watch tv, and often I do take a nap. Once I get to about 7pm the night owl in me wakes up and I have some energy again, but no motivation. Tuesdays have been different recently. Last week I came home from work, walked away the pounds, did my sit ups and realized I had not even broken a sweat. I went to a meeting and I was bouncing off the walls. Thinking back, I don't recall having eaten anything with sugar in it or done anything different. I thought it was just a much needed burst of energy reserves.
Today is Tuesday and I can already feel it happening. It is 3pm (ish) and I just took a walk to the other end of campus to drop some paper work off. Normally I would have the department secretary do this for me, but I didn't even consider such today. Granted it is beautiful outside, but normally I never go out without the promise of food (like next weeks ice cream social). So I plan on swimming again this afternoon. I have my swimming stuff in the car and I am ready to go (actually, I would love to blow off the rest of the day to swim). I suspect that I will find myself full of energy after as well, but will my current energy levels help me get through the work out? I am sticking to the same thing I did yesterday - just swimming whatever I feel like swimming for 30 minutes.
I just wish this energy lasted all week....

A harsh realization

2005-06-20T16:42:00.000-04:00

I came to a very harsh realization today- an epiphany if you will. After my swim, before work, I realized that like with everything I have done in my life, I have to put my focus on loosing weight. I have to put my educational goals on serious hold because for the past 10 years I have used my focus on education as yet another excuse to not loose weight and take chances. I can't date, I have to write a thesis. I can't loose weight, work and school keep me too busy. I have the rest of my life for education, but if I don't loose weight and take chances with life it won't be a life worth dedicating to education.
So, out comes the goal list. I specialize at making lists; love it with a passion. So, here is another list for me:

Weight loss and health:
By July 11th:
- Be down 5lbs
- Be able to do 100 sit ups
- Be able to swim a 1/2 hour without gasping for air
- Be able to resist urge to gorge on donuts at work (theoretically, quit second job to avoid total temptation)
- Be able to do 2 mile walk 3xs a week

Taking chances:
By July 11th:
- seriously sign up for 2 online dating places with picture posted

Other than that I don't know yet, but I have less than a month so I must get to work.

Swimming my butt off

2005-06-20T11:55:00.000-04:00

I swan my butt off today - well started the "butt off" process. To be honest, it kicked my butt. I am totally not in shape. Years ago I was a swimmer; not a very fast one, but in good shape and pretty good. I was on a swim team and could swim a mile. Then I got tired of swimming, of the obligation to go swimming, of the competition, of the coaches, of all of it. Eventually I stopped swimming and that was over 10 years ago. Needless to say, I gained a lot of weight since then and clearly have fallen out of shape.
So today I got up "early", talked myself out of swiming, talked myself back into it, got my suit on, and went to the pool. I am just impressed that I talked myself back into swimming. I was alone in the pool and I won't be able to swim on weekends due to the campus summer shut down, but I don't have a lot of time on weekends at the moment. Anyway, after 15 minutes of rejoining the gym I got into the water and realized that I have a lot of work to do. Now this is a Jr. Olympic size pool which means that each lap is 25 yards. To do a mile I must swim 72 laps or go back and forth 36 times. To swim 100 meters I must swim the length of the pool 4 times. So I swan 50 meters (2 laps) and was ready to die. TWO LAPS! I managed to do 18 laps in a half hour. That is 450 meters of swimming and every 4 laps required that I stop for 2 minutes and just inhale deeply for 2 minutes - no exhaling. That is how labored my breathing was.
I have to admit that it felt so good to be in the water, to be swimming. I took my time, but now I know what I need to work on and what goals I need to set for myself. So setting the goals will be the activity of the next week. I am also going to feel this for a few days. When I am walking - even when I am working out at the gym- I never feel the burn after the work out. I feel it while I work out, but that "new muscle" burn never happens. Today I felt it, I still feel it, especially in my arms. I am actually very excited about this! Tonight before I go to bed I have to remember to do my sit ups - I was at 50 on Friday.

Well, the bacon was worth it

2005-06-17T12:13:00.000-04:00

Today was my weigh in and I am impressed considering my weekend bacon orgy: +0.2

It could have been a lot worse espeically considering that I refused to Walk Away the Pounds for two days in a row (Wednesday and Thursday). I was also impressed that, as I went to get some water after weigh in, I passed up not only a delicious looking breakfast sandwhich but some muffins, scones, and such. I planned on D'Angelo's for lunch, but I planned for it.

Our meeting topic was being assertive, asking for what you need to help you attain your goals. Well, its all well and good, but I live alone and all those close to me live elsewhere. I have to think of how to be more assertive, any reader please share any ideas on how I can more assertive when I live alone and have no real close friends around me.

I have a new Weight Watchers goal, a new reason to stick to loosing the weight - I think I would love to be a meeting leader! I thought about how cool it would be to share what I have learned to a live audience, to provide support. I think it would be a great job. I need to create an official list of goals and reasons why I want to loose the weight.

Also, my swimming stuff has arrived from home! My parents sent me my bathing cap, goggles, sun screen, and a now dead watch (waterproof for the swimming). Now I need to take my money over to the gym and get to swimming!

I Dont Eat at McD's

2005-06-16T15:59:00.000-04:00

Between the movie Supersize Me and the book Fast Food Nation I have stopped eating at McDonalds. It has been almost a year since I indulged and the date I am basing it on was a "I need something to eat" moment where McDs was my only option. Before that date it had been 6 months since I had eated McDs. I simply refuse because of what I have learned about the way they treat animals, their employees, and their customers.
Now McDs has been the main focus because they are the easiest target, but my real goal is to give up ALL fast food some day. My count of the other poplular local resaurants:
-BK is 6 months (I had a whopper craving 6 months ago)
-Wendy's is about 3 weeks because I LOVE their manderin chicken salads
-Subway is a week because I enjoy a good veggie sub (and nothing else- I use to work there)

Other than that I am doing pretty well.
Today I saw an article about a new movie where a woman looses 18 lbs by eating nothing but McD's for a month. Now I am sure this is possible, but how likely is it? This is what I know:
- They have altered their menu to include healthier options
- They never forced anyone to supersize a meal
- They do offer a variety of sizes to allow you to control your portions.
- You exercise you can counter-act those calories you ate there

Here's what I know about me and many other people:
- Exercise is a luxury for some people or at least they think it is
- We seem to eat fast thereby not allowing our mind to register that we are full before we have stuffed out faces. As a result we eat more and feel worse after
- Back to exercise, people see it as a chore and are less likely to do it

Morgan Spurlock was just as right as Soso Whaley (creator of Me & Mickey D). Spurlock shows us what most people seem to be doing at McDs while Whaley is showing us what we can do with McDs. Yes, you can eat at McDonalds and not destroy yourself, but what I want to know is the reality of both arguements because I still feel that Spurlock was right.

Speaking of Morgan Spurlock, has anyone seen his new show 30 Days? I watched the first episode last night and loved it. It made me look around my apartment and realize the excess I live in. I think between my need for things and my need for food says a lot about me and my immaturity. I think its time for me to grow up and prove to myself that I am not a spoiled, fat brat.

Khaki Cropped Pants and Bras

2005-06-15T11:15:00.000-04:00

Here is what I have noticed about my body - my first actual fat lose comes from my boobs, but it's short lived. I am only 5 lbs into my loss, but my boobs are already a tad bit smaller. I wish they would go away and take some of their butt fat friends with them. A year.5 ago when I first went on Weight Watchers the same thing happened. My lower half was second to start loosing and last was my stomach. This time I am being more proactive about my stomach thanks to my "100 sit ups" goal (now at a shockingly early 40).
Yesterday I came home from work full of energy. I did the 2 mile walk and didn't break a sweat even though I put more effort into it. I then did the situps with ease. Then I tried on clothes because I wondered if my tummy-control-panties made a difference. They do, but not in a way that makes me happy. I have these brand new pair of Khaki Cropped Pants that I bought for work and encouragement. They are a light linen and are perfect for hot fun in the summertime (tm Sly Stone). I have been paitent about fitting into them, its all in my rear end and stomach. There is no elastic in the waist band so they either fit or they don't. Well, with the tummy control panties they fit, but with a massive pantyline. It will be a no win situation until some but fat disappears or my stomach goes down a bit more.

Also, while i love the No Pudge brownies with the same passion I love all brownies, I am not too keen on the raspberry flavoring. This makes me sad because I love raspberry and brownies so I thought they would be heavenly.

Anyway, I am off to lunch - I am starving and have tuna.

Jolly Time Minis

2005-06-14T13:29:00.000-04:00

My new favorite snack is Jolly Time Healthy Pop Minis.
Microwave popcorn is one of my favorite salty snacks. First, I like the butter already on them because air popped butter makes the corn all soggy. Second, it doesn't take as long as air popped. Third, the servings are all measured out for me.
These mini bags make popcorn even better because they are one simple serving - no measuring cups no intense math - just simple point counting.
There is 9 grams of fiber in each bag - thats a whole lotta fiber! As I understand it, Weight Watchers desires that I don't count more than 4 grams through. I did the math for both the 4 and the 9 grams. Based on 4 grams of fiber, it is one point for the entire bag. Basedon on the 9 grams of fiber, it is ZERO points! Well, it's more like .366666 of a point, but even half a point is good!
Plus the bag is the perfect size snack. I can eat a whole bag, feel satisfied, and cure salt cravings.
My word of advice on popping said bag- no more than 1 min and 45 seconds. I didn't think about it, set my microwave's popcorn setting, and a week later I still smell it and am washing it out of my microwave.

Diet Soda - It's a nasty habit

2005-06-13T20:10:00.000-04:00

For the record, I hate hate hate diet cola. I actually hate any "diet" drink. I especially hate diet coke because of the nasty ass after-taste. Oh, you know it! When I was 15 my mother tried to convert me, but I gave up after a month because if I was going to destroy my body with syrup infested, carbonated beverages I was going to do it with the real stuff. I will add a note that my favorite said beverage is Cherry Coke, Dr. Pepper, and Chocolate and Vanilla Coke (both the chocolate or vanilla being added by hand, not by machine). I was excited with Coke came out with premade vanilla coke, but it left me feeling the same way I felt when I found a tupperware of my baby teeth in my mothers dresser. Don't ask what I was doing in her dresser - my need to snoop is another issue altogether.
So, Diet-Blog posted an entry about the relation between diet coke drinkers and being overweight and I really want to say that deep down I knew this. In the past 18 months have given up most soda in favor of water, apple juice, and decaf ice tea. Every so often OJ gets in there, but never a flavored water. I also indulge in cherry coke and Dr.P every so often. I am also interested in this Diet Coke with Spelnda, but I dont expect it to taste better than the crapfest called Diet Coke.
Back to the original point - it all got me thinking of the other obesse people I know/knew. One girl I knew in college, Tri we shall call her, was a diet coke adict. She bought cases of the stuff on a weekly basis. That was it though - that was her diet! What was the point then? Actually, many people I know do exactly that - they drink diet coke and eat whatever they damn well please. It makes me happy that I don't like diet colas, at least I can delude myself into thinking diet coke will help me loose weight. I still want to taste the slenda infused diet coke before I write it off - its always best to try something before you poo-poo it.