wounded kite

Holy Shit I bought a New Car

2012-02-12T18:54:00.000+11:00

Since I applied for uni in Bankstown I've been thinking about getting a new car. I currently drive the 95 Corolla my mum passed down to me in 2006 when she got a new one. My car is good for what I use it for at the moment; trips to the shop, driving the 3kms to work and regular trips to Ikea. But it's old. It gets pretty shit fuel economy and is costing more and more money with every service. Now that I know I'm going to be driving 45kms a day, four days a week I decided I needed to do something.

My Mum and I are Corolla people, I always figured I'd end up with another Corolla. But I sat in at least 10 different Corollas, both new and used, and they just didn't feel right. Then today, I went and sat in a Barina sedan and it was just perfect. Plenty of room, lots of features, a great drive and a better price.

So just like that I am the proud owner of a brand new urban grey Holden Barina. I pick her up on Thursday. Eeek. I'm so excited and nervous about having a brand new car. Shit, son.

The Day After

2012-02-11T09:12:00.000+11:00

The wisdom teeth removal went pretty well. I was under twilight sedation which was weird. At the time I felt like I was awake for all of it, just really out of it. But now I don't remember much so I don't know. All I remember is I had headphones on with some kind of best of 2WS playlist happening and Africa by Toto came on. I have a long conversation with myself about how one mountain can be like another mountain.

Today I'm a bit swollen and a bit sore, but nothing major. It hurts to eat food that I actually have to chew, so WeetBix and I are now good friends.

For the benefit of the internet I took a photo as soon as I was done with surgery.

This Week

2012-02-10T07:55:00.001+11:00

I had my enrollment day and planning session for my course yesterday. It was good to get back into a lecture theatre and to meet my course co-ordinator. It was weird though. At uni the first time around there were only 23 people doing my course, and last year at TAFE only 20. Here doing social science there's more like 150 and some of our core subjects will have about 1000 people in them. Sheesh. Talk about small fish in a big pond.

I went to school fairly close to the campus so I had been there a couple of times. Returning there yesterday was vaguely familiar. But I was surprised how small it was. Smaller even than Ultimo TAFE and smaller than CSU Mitchell, which I always assumed was a very small campus. At least then I shouldn't get too lost.

Anyway I've pretty much decided that instead of taking elective subjects I will be boring but practical and do a double major in Crime and Criminal Justice and Child and Community. My aim, of course, is to work with young offenders and this should give me the best shot.

Tute registration is next Tuesday, and given how many people will be signing up, I need to resign myself to the fact that I will probably have lengthy gaps between classes. I need to learn to use that time wisely and go to the library rather than to Mum's house or shopping at Bankstown Square. I guess I do have time on my side and can afford to be spending all day on campus. I finish up my day job in the next two weeks and I will only be working at the refuge probably one day a week [omg, I can't remember if I told you that I started doing paid casual relief shifts at the refuge I did my work placement at. In January I went for a permanent part time position there. Whilst I didn't get it, they wanted to look after me so they have promised me guaranteed one shift a week on Sunday nights, and then whatever else I can pick up during the week, which should be enough for me to survive on].

We went and saw Any Questions For Ben? last night as a Valentine's Day treat. For reasons I will explain in a bit I might not be up to seeing a movie or doing anything on Tuesday night, so we made sure to do something a bit early. It was a good flick. A nice, light hearted romantic comedy. Probably the best rom-com ever released by an Australian. Stealing the show was the engorged man brute himself Ed Kavalee as a bleach blonde olympic archer. I'm not sure if they were intentional or not, but there were two Late Show references to keep the long time fans amused. It was kind of weird though seeing the guy who played John Bunting in Snowtown as a good guy. I kept expecting him to make someone shoot a dog at any second.

So yeah, in about an hour's time I'm heading out to Liverpool to have my three remaining wisdom teeth out. I'm not nervous which is surprising for a dental-phobe such myself, probably because I'm having the procedure under twilight sedation. Afterward I'm off to my Mum's for the weekend to recover.

It feels good to write about things that are happening again, even if it is boring to read. I will try and keep it up.

Redemption

2012-01-30T12:32:00.000+11:00

For the last ten years I've regularly had nightmares about high school and uni. Dreams where I'm late to exams, in class naked, being made to start again from primary school or being made to do the three subjects I needed to get my first degree and failing them again.

Last night I dreamt that at the start of last year I had, due to my decision to go back to tertiary education, been re-enrolled in the HSC, Even though I didn't go to any classes and didn't sit for any exams I received my new UAI which was 20 points higher than the one I got back in 2000. I still flunked Physics though.

It felt like my subconscious mind has finally forgiven me. The weight of my biggest burden, and biggest regret has finally been lifted from my shoulders.

38 Pieces of Flare

2012-01-27T13:55:00.000+11:00

Sometimes I feel like I haven't really grown up yet. I mean, I've been out in the big bad world on my own for sometime now, but I'm just not professional. I don't have "work clothes" I wear the same dress, leggings and cardigan combination to work that I would wear on the weekend. I would always choose a bright nail polish over a neutral tone. I was buying an iPad case last night and after much debate I got the baby pink one instead of the sleek grey one. Last but not least my ringtone on my phone is I'm on a Boat by The Lonely Island.

I wonder if there's a point when I will outgrow the kitsch? I'm slowly decorating my house into something I'm proud of, and while it looks great and matches, it's all bright bold colours. On my walls are three posters very tastefully framed and hung, but they are pictures of Matthew Caws from Nada Surf, Gob and Franklin and FAC01.

But is there anything wrong with this? Most of the time I'm happy being the person that brings colour and happiness to an other wise grey society. But I guess that if I'm even having these thoughts whether it's time to change.

And it's another thing that ties into my weight. It's hard deliberately standing out in a crowd when you already do because of your size and how much room you're taking up on the seat of the train.

Now Face West

2012-01-22T21:00:00.000+11:00

Back in September I spoke of my conflict about what to do this year. I ended up applying for the criminology course at UWS, and I found out this week that I got in. I've decided to accept the offer and I'm Bankstown bound for the next three years.

I hope to god I don't fuck it up like the last time. I'm so scared that I will.

...of toilet paper and relationships

2011-11-20T12:59:00.000+11:00

I just had an experience that summed up my relationship better than words ever could.

I went to the bathroom and realised we were low on toilet paper. So straight away I went to the cupboard to get some more so the next person to use the toilet [presumably Phil] wouldn't run out half way through. Phil had noticed before me that the toilet paper was low, but waited until he was going to the loo again to do a refill.

Memories

2011-09-20T15:51:00.000+10:00

One of the coolest things I've ever seen happened when I flew from Liverpool to Bratislava. It was night time and we were somewhere over France or Germany. Flying over a town or city maybe, who can tell from that height at night, they were letting off fireworks into the night sky. Flying over those fireworks and watching from above was just magical.

What to do?

2011-09-12T14:20:00.000+10:00

I'm so confused about what I want to do next year. I had my course all planned. I'd do the Youth Work Diploma and then do Social Welfare via distance ed at CSU. Now I am really considering scrapping all that and doing criminology either at UNSW or more likely UWS.

The confusing part is whether I should continue doing the diploma. I doubt it would get me any advanced standing at uni (for example if I was to do something like Community Welfare at UWS I'd get recognition of prior learning for a whole year's worth of credit so it would only take me two years instead of three) but it would give me more of a broad range of career prospects. If I do Criminology I am setting myself firmly down the juvenile justice path.

What's stopping me from 100% staying with the diploma is that so many jobs require a degree. So if I know now which degree I want to do, why am I wasting my time with another year of something that isn't going to get me to my ultimate target?

The last thing I need to think about is how late I've left it. I need to decide this pretty quickly if I want to start a degree next year. And if I do then I need to register for the STAT test pretty quickly but then apply late and have to pay a fortune to do so.

I don't know. I'm so confused.

2011-09-11T23:08:00.001+10:00

If I could be anywhere in the world right now I'd be in Prague. Eating menu 2 in Wenceslas Square.

Nada Surf Moments

2011-08-16T16:44:00.000+10:00

Stalemate, off the 1996 Album High/Low is my favourite Nada Surf song to hear live. Between the second verse and the bridge they often cut into a verse or two of Love Will Tear us Apart before tearing back into Stalemate; “should’ve been a wreck, might’ve been a wreck.” It’s just so magic and one of the reasons why I love my favourite band so much.

Here's a good version from the YouTubes. There's also a quality version on the Live in Brussels album.

Changes

2011-08-15T14:36:00.002+10:00

Gosh it’s been so long since my last update. Tafe is going really well. I passed all my first semester subjects with flying colours and I’m three weeks into semester two. Classes feel a bit harder this semester, but deeper, covering subjects such as counseling techniques and dealing with crisis and trauma.

I’ve also started my work placement at a refuge. I’m enjoying it so much. It’s definitely an affirmation that I am doing the right thing, and I’d even go so far as to say that I have found my calling. The place is run by such strong women who are great role models for not only me but the people staying at the refuge and I’m so lucky that I get the chance to learn off them every week.

I turned 28 in June. Ever since then I’ve really felt a shift. Like things are different now. It’s reminded me of something I heard a few years ago that your life is lived in stages of seven year periods, and every seven years you change. I don’t know why but I really believe this, and it seems pretty true for me.

Years 14 to 20 were really about finding my character. Working out who I was as a person and forming the foundations for my adulthood. 21 to 27 was about getting my shit together. Growing up, working, travelling, having relationships and having some hard times as I grew and learned. Now, 28 to 34 is all about setting the foundations for the rest of my life, working on my career, hopefully getting married in the next few years and doing adult stuff like buying a new car and a house.

there's 80 windows we can see

2011-07-17T13:24:00.001+10:00

You say you like the one with the father who always eats with his son

I like the rows of lights because they keep me calm

Music wot I have been listening to lately

2011-05-18T22:28:00.000+10:00

Beastie Boys - Hot Sauce Committee Part 2

Of course I have. May I say that it's fucking nice. Like most Beastie fans I was disappointed with To The Five Boroughs. It was just so.. abrasive. I could see what they were trying to do, but they just didn't pull it off. That came out in what, 2004? Yet it's only been in this last year, with the impending release of HSCP2 that I actually gave it a real chance, and while I do like some tracks, it's probably all together my least favourite Beastie Boys album.

Hence the reason this album has come as such a revelation. It's tight, the beats are like nothing I've heard before, and the rhyming flows so much better than the last album. I'm not in to listening to albums in full, I much prefer listening to a whole bunch of different stuff on random, but I find myself playing this album as I get dressed in the morning or on the way home from work.

It's true what they say, there ain't no sunshine when Mike D's gone.

Misc. Nada Surf

I was drying my hair the other morning and in my head started singing Paper Boats. I stopped and thought to myself, wow it has been a long time since I've heard that song. Nada Surf are definitely still my favourite band, and I guess some times I take them for granted. I never really listen to them by themselves anymore, just when songs pop up on random. So this week while I've been doing assignments I've been making it a point to listen to an alarmingly high list of songs that haven't been played in this incarnation of iTunes which has existed since I got a new logic board over a year ago. It's been lovely to spend time with some old friends.

The Lonely Island - Turtleneck and Chain

And it's shit. Seriously terrible. The only good songs are Motherlover and I Just Had Sex which of course we've all heard a million times already thanks to the magic of YouTube. Trust me, give this one a miss.

2011-05-18T22:17:00.000+10:00

all you see is... crime in the city

Genetics

2011-04-25T11:41:00.000+10:00

Dear my future children,

It is pretty much a given that you will have bad skin. Don't be fooled by your childhood of innocence. I was 17 before aerosol deodorants gave me a rash and purfumes made me itch. And unlike the rest of the world for whom eczema is a problem when they are a baby and lessens as they get older, mine didn't even appear until I was overseas when I was 26.

You should also pray that the horrible hayfever and allergies to pretty much anything airbone skips a generation. But then again, your Grandmother had pretty bad asthma when she was a kid which I managed to escape. So sorry in advance if you get that.

You know what? Blame your Nan for all of it, she started it. And she will in turn blame my Nan.

Lots of love,
Mummy

PS: Don't blame me if you're a fussy eater, that one is strictly your Dad's problem.

Term One

2011-04-09T21:53:00.000+10:00

My first term at Tafe is over. I am now a quarter of the way through Youth Work Certificate IV. Hasn't the time flown? I had hoped to post more often about my progress but things like work, changing jobs and trying to fit in a social life has gotten in the way.

It's going really well, I've made some lovely friends and it challenges my brain without being too overwhelming. Every Thursday and Friday I sit in class and think yep, this is it, this is where I belong.

I have also hopefully decided on a career path for myself. After I've done my diploma [next year] there is a two year uni degree I can do via distance ed at CSU Wagga that is a Bachelor Social Science - Social Welfare. This initially raised all kinds of alarms for me. CSU is where I went to uni last time around, albeit in Bathurst, and where I crashed and burned spectacularly. My crappy experience last time is the main reason why I didn't even consider applying for uni when I decided to go back to school. But, if I want to work for DoCS, or any other government department really I need a community welfare degree, and this is the easiest way to do it. And I think it will be good for me to face my demons and finally wear the graduation gown of Charles Sturt University.

Yesterday in class we were discussing a case study we had handed in for our teacher to check to see if we knew how to write in sentences etc [you'd be surprised...] and she kept asking me to read out my answers. After class finished I was the last one to leave and she stopped me and said that she hoped I didn't mind getting called on so much, but she thought my answers were so good and she loved reading my case study. Then she told me that she loved having me in class because I'm such a smart young woman. Let me tell you internets, that was about the best compliment I have ever received. I've never felt smart academically. I've always had good common sense, and an ability to put a sentence together. But I guess because I'm so lazy and procrastinate so much, I've always just been treading water in my previous studies. Just doing enough to get by. But here, the material is something I'm so interested in, and what I will be doing with my qualifications is something I'm so passionate about that I have the potential to be top of the class.

Who wears short shorts?

2011-03-31T07:59:00.000+11:00

I bought a pair of high waisted denim shorts from City Chic on Tuesday. These ones here. This is interesting enough to warrant a blog post for two reasons. 1. My belief before Tuesday was that shorts like this shouldn't be made in anything bigger than a size 12 and 2. I generally have an issue with City Chic and the types of clothes they make. A lot of them are far skimpier than a bigger gal feels comfortable in, and apart from the odd one or two pieces, their clothes are poorly made, and made from horrible synthetic materials.

However, I love these shorts. I'm wearing them on top of black tights and paired with a pink and white striped t-shirt that I got from K-Mart for $8 and some silver ballet flats and I feel sooooooo cute. I just want to run around all day and show myself off. And, you know, even though I have my own style. One I'm usually comfortable in and quite proud of. It's always a little bit different from current fashion. But right now I feel very in vogue, very Melbourne. Yay me.

Future

2011-03-21T13:14:00.000+11:00

I want to move to a small town in the country. At the moment I'm setting myself up on a career path where this can be possible on a comfortable income. I want to live in a cottage on a big block. With room for a pool and for the dog to run around. I want to be a regular at my local pub. I want to be able to visit every restaurant in town, and blog about them all. I want to be able to drive on weekends to a quiet beach that only a few people know about. I want to join the local RSL and get involved in junior sports. I want to be able to ride my bike to work and not have to worry about too much traffic. I want to go for walks of an evening around town and say hello to every person I see. I want to have barbecues at our house on a Sunday afternoon in summer.

Elsie

2011-02-26T20:42:00.000+11:00

In class on Friday we watched a documentary about Elsie, the first womens refuge in Australia that opened in Glebe in 1974. It was very inspiring stuff. A group of young feminist activists saw the dire need for a place for women to go to escape domestic violence. So they claimed squatters rights in two inner city cottages and welcomed women and children to a safe space from the abuse.

The thing that struck me was that the people who started the refuge looked, from the footage taken in 1974, to be younger than I am now. For them to have done something so revolutionary, that paved the way for so many great things in their early twenties is just incredible.

If I get to the end of my career in social justice having helped even a fraction of the amount of people those activists helped I will be a happy person.

Visas

2011-02-24T07:14:00.000+11:00

My UK visa ran out yesterday. This means I can no longer work legally in the UK. When I left after only being there a year, a lot of people told me I was crazy. That I would never get an opportunity like this again and that I should make the most of it and stay the full two years.

But so many good things have happened to me since I've been home. Phil and starting school to do something I actually want to do with my life, and I've made a couple of new friends that I wouldn't have met otherwise. I am so glad I came back at the time I did.

The only real regret I have is that I didn't push myself further and live for a few months somewhere like Vienna, Prague or Tallinn, where I didn't speak the language and had to immerse myself in it and the culture completely. Now I'll probably never get the chance.

First Week

2011-02-19T15:26:00.001+11:00

My first week of class is over, and I'm having trouble describing how I feel about it. I'm relieved that I am definitely in the right place. All of the subjects suited me and captivated my interest. When I was at uni we were made to study a lot of subjects, mainly from the faculty of commerce that I had absolutely no interest in, and struggled to complete them.

I'm feeling inspired. Firstly by the instructors and their backgrounds that brought them to be teaching these subjects, their passion for the field, them telling us what lies ahead in the course and it seems their want to help us get through it and come out the other side with a job that we love. Secondly by the other students, their stories and backgrounds that have brought them here and their friendliness. Even though we are together for a full two days worth of classes, we all still had lunch together on Friday. Finally I'm inspired by me. I have always taken an interest in social justice, but this week has made me realise just how passionate I am about the rights of marginalised people such as youth, the homeless, sex workers and people in public housing.

I'm also a little daunted. Some of the assessment tasks we have been given, especially in our subject on working in an ethical and legal framework seem quite hard, but I am determined to do the best I can and not just scrape by.

The New Melanie

2011-01-26T12:51:00.002+11:00

In just under two weeks time, I will start my new life. I have quit my job and on the 7th of February I start studying Youth Work at Tafe.

I was very quiet about this decision for a long time, mainly because I had to apply for the course and I knew I would be embarrassed if I didn't get in. Also because it's quite hard to tell people that you're going to leave a field they thought you were happy in to do something that's come straight out of the blue.

I guess this entry then is a bit of an explanation as to why I'm doing it and what my goals are for the future.

Social work is always something I've thought about doing. I was so close to putting it down as one of my uni preferences during high school, but a fleeting comment from my Mum saying I was too impatient to help people stopped me. But that's exactly what I want to do. I want to help people. I grew up in the ghetto and I got out, when so many of my friends didn't. Now it is my chance to give something back to that community. To make a difference in peoples lives. To help kids see that learning a trade or going to uni has such a better long term effect on their lives than smoking weed and going on the dole.

For a while I thought I wanted to be a teacher. It's something I was told I'd be good at, probably because I'm bossy. While it seemed like a great idea I guess I never went through with it, never applied to go back to uni because it just wasn't the right fit. When I got back to Sydney I gave myself an ultimatum, either find a job back in telco by June, or apply for mid year intake into a teaching degree. I went the easy way out and found myself back using Lolo to order phone lines.

One night in September I was lying in bed trying to get to sleep. I'd spent the evening reading the Facebook page of a prisoner at Goulburn, which then of course led to a three hour Wikipedia crawl through the pages of every jail in Australia. Like I said, I was lying in bed and I found myself crying, because I realised I was so unhappy with my job, my career, my path, and I finally knew what I wanted to do. It was like what I imagine people who get a calling from god to commit themselves to the church feel like. Everything was calm, and everything felt easy. Finally, after over 10 years of turmoil, of treading water, I knew what I wanted to do, what I had to do.

After the October long weekend I met with a guidance counselor at Ultimo Tafe and we had a great talk about what going back to study would be like, my future job prospects, and a whole bunch of other things that eased my mind. This gave me the rest of the confidence I needed to write my application and send it off. It was due on the 29th of October, and I would find out half way through December if I got in. Thus starting the most nervous two months of my life.

When I applied for uni back in high school, it was mainly because I didn't know what else to do, so I wasn't that fussed if I got in or I didn't, but this time it was so important to me, and the wait almost drove me mad. I had read that I'd find out half way through December, and if I hadn't heard anything by Christmas Eve, to assume that I hadn't gotten in. For some reason, I had it in my mind that I would hear something by Friday the 10th, and when I didn't I was devastated. I even cried on the train one afternoon in peak hour because I had finally found something that I really wanted, and now I wasn't going to get it.

After resigning myself to the fact that I wasn't going to get in, I decided to make the best of a bad situation and if I was going to have to stay at my current job, I wanted a pay rise. On Thursday the 16th I had a meeting with my boss and asked for a couple grand extra a year. That afternoon I was going straight home after work to jump in my car and head to Westfield Burwood to go Christmas shopping. Normally if I'm going to straight to the car I'll walk a different way home, up the alley way at the back of our place and straight into the carpark. But that day, as soon as I got off the train it started pouring with rain so I walked the normal way as it has more shelter. It also means that I stop by our letterbox.

Of all days, of course it was going to be the day that I had asked for a payrise, and the day that I was soaking wet and got the letter a bit damp, that my acceptance arrived. I was so happy that I squeed and jumped up and down in the street. I kept it, for the most part a secret until after the new year, only telling my closest friends and family. It wasn't fair to go public until I had told my work, especially because my boss follows me on Twitter. I feel really bad that I couldn't have told more people sooner. Especially Alex who's become a good friend. But at least if no one knew, I only had to deal with the rejection myself, having people commiserate with me and feel bad for me would've only made me feel more embarrassed.

On to the future. I'm determined to be the best student I can be over the next two years to make up for last time. Then I want to get a job working with disadvantaged and at risk teens. Eventually I'd like to go back to uni part time and actually get a degree, then maybe even do a masters. Ultimately I'd like to end up working in the juvenile justice system helping kids stay out of the system and find better pathways for themselves.

Finally, I need to thank my wonderful boyfriend Phil for all of his support over the last few months. I definitely wouldn't have had the courage to go through with such a life changing decision by myself, and I know he will continue to support me over the next two years. I am eternally grateful for everything you do for me baby.

Nada Surf - Troublemaker

2011-01-05T21:49:00.001+11:00

Why do i feel bad again?
I shouldn't be sad or miss a grin.
Doubt creeps in and doubt creeps out,
Skews the view from my cloud.
Troublemaker tempting fate,
Questioning the path i take,
Showing me the twists and turns,
The forks and points of no return.
I would hold my breath so long
To wash ashore where i belong.
Broken roses on the steps,
Like promises i never kept.
Promises i never made
But could have honored anyway.
Tied to years, slave to fears,
I will always hold you dear.
Tired, troubled but sincere,
Wishing... fuck the rime.
Wishing i had a time
To wish you mine.
Every day i choose to spend the rest of my life with her
And every day i break the molds of lives and worlds.
I already miss the things that i will never know.
I will never know the things that I've already missed.

I was listening to The Proximity Effect on the way home today for the first time in ages and ages. This album was my crutch when I was a depressed teenager, and Troublemaker got me through some pretty rough times. Crushes that didn't work out, suburban angst and my yearning to break free. Then as I got older it helped me through breakups and more depression. I even once, back in 2003, got the privilege of telling all this to Daniel Lorca and in turn he told me all about the songs that helped him.

But now, on the eve of some great new events happening in my life, I realise I am a Troublemaker success story. I held my breath so long, for years, but finally I am about to wash ashore where I belong.

The New Year

2011-01-01T10:58:00.000+11:00

My resolution for 2011 is to start writing in my blog again. My life is about to go through a fairly radical transformation which I would love to chronicle. I also think I might need an outlet for my thoughts.

2010 is the year I came home and fell in love.