Wretched Rhymes

For the Happy Couple

noreply@blogger.com (BrianK) — Fri, 13 Sep 2013 04:11:00 +0000

'Twas once were two lovers to be nuptial'd,
Apprehensive that the feast would be supp'd cold
So they briskly confederated.
Thus, the union commemorated,
And more quickly could be raised all the cups full!

Vibraphone

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 04 Dec 2010 20:10:00 +0000

Her mobile phone's ringer'd gone dumb.
Unnoticed, 'twould vibrate and hum.
So she put it in front
alongside her cunt.
Now whenever she's called, she will come.

Little Big

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 05:15:00 +0000

The muscle-bound, chiseled Aleutian
could flex with superb execution,
but parts 'neath his belt
exposed when he knelt
were otherwise quite Lilliputian.

Laura Does Improv

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 22:39:00 +0000

When notes for her lecture were slim, Prof
Laura would not cry nor wimp'r. Off
course she would go
yet on with the show
and draw from her background in improv.

Wretched Rhymes Rides Again

noreply@blogger.com (BrianK) — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 07:26:00 +0000

Whilst browsing 'mongst hypertext'd curios
'bandoned wherever such vexed slurry goes
I (re)-stumbled 'cross this rhyming site,
Where we'd often by 'ssignment write,
"Limericks". More like wrecked hurried "prose".

Try Harder

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 23:38:00 +0000

Trying as hard as I might
I can't get this limerick right.
The rhyming is forced
but the punchline's the worst.
If it weren't for that this rhyme would be tight.

God's Love

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 06:38:00 +0000

God said "Don't eat fruit from the tree
of knowledge of G and of E".
But Eve was persuaded
by Serpent and ate it,
not knowing how mad God would be.

Then Eve, having thus disobeyed
The Lord, she led Adam astray.
For defying His one wish
God vowed he would punish
all humans 'til the end of days.

Malpractice

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 19:11:00 +0000

Bob's vasectomy? - a troubling endeavor
(one he shall not repeat - not ever!).
For, against his preference,
his poor old vas deferens
was less than skillfully severed.

Bad Comma

noreply@blogger.com (BrianK) — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 03:28:00 +0000

The Limericist laid down his weary head,
His punctuation challenges myriad:
Instead of an ',
He'd mistakenly crossed a "V",
Then dotted all his "T"'s with a .

How it's Done

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 18:50:00 +0000

The number of beats in each line
is critical. So is the rhyme.
The content and such
don't matter so much
as long as it's funny.

Untitled

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 04:23:00 +0000

In a feat of loopy design
I composed the previous line
then, continuing, wrote
the following: "
I composed the previous line [...]"

Mea Culpa

noreply@blogger.com (Dub Magistrate) — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 18:44:00 +0000

More often than not I’m not here
writing limericks – I’d rather steer clear.
It’s my scant contribution,
my infrequent execution,
makes me think that I’ll not persevere.

Another Hoover Maneuver

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 08:43:00 +0000

There once was a gal from Vancouver
who sucked out her twat with a Hoover
then pushed it back in
with a bottle of gin
left o'er from a previous maneuver.

Hoover

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 08:41:00 +0000

There once was a gal from Vancouver
who sucked out her twat with a Hoover,
for years of abuse
had so damaged her cooze
that anything less failed to move her.

This is solid

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 01:10:00 +0000

With a shriek, wisp’d and rotted mast to keel,
Loomed the ghost ship of Captain O’Neill.
As it neared, came about
From the gloom came a shout:
“We shall board ye, but first must congeal.”

The Stew of the Lambs

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 01:10:00 +0000

Lamb stew makes an awfully good meal.
But, left out, will lose its appeal.
but spoilage is abated
if it's refrigerated.
Just beware - it tends to congeal.

Hat Tip to Ogdred Weary

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 01:08:00 +0000

He approached her with guile and with zest,
intent on committing incest.
She, at first, was evasive.
But he was so persuasive
that finally she acquiesced.

Family

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 01:08:00 +0000

Maw ‘n’ Paw had the same folks I guess,
But ‘round here, we don’t call it incest.
I call Paw ‘Uncle Joe,”
Sometimes Maw is Aunt Flo,
But never in front of the guests.

I think therefore...

noreply@blogger.com (BrianK) — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 03:01:00 +0000

Whilst feeling existentially sensitive,
With a sigh R. Descartes waxed plain-tive:
“If I’d had but a thought,
I’d avoid being naught-
So I’ll think, then I’d be, and so hence I’d live!”

Dude!

noreply@blogger.com (BrianK) — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 18:42:00 +0000

He, in a thick cloud of incense, said "If
Mom's nose were a bit less sensitive
less time would be spent
on masking the scent
and more would be free for to tend the spliff".

A Pint With the Devil

noreply@blogger.com (BrianK) — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 17:00:00 +0000

A man-about-town in old Dublin
One dark night encountered a goblin.
"You have sinned now, you know,
"So with me you must go--"
"Yerra, sure", Pat replied--
"To the pub, man?"

(Guest authored by Peter)

Smooth Operator

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 03:06:00 +0000

Having run out of thread during surgery,
in order that he might get closure he
substituted for thread
some hair off his head.
Now whiskers appear where the scar should be.

Heresy

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 00:58:00 +0000

The infidel wondered out loud
if God really lives in the clouds.
And for his slight heresy
was strung from the nearest tree,
for doubting Him was disallowed.

Desk Job

noreply@blogger.com (BrianK) — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 05:14:00 +0000

If one sits much too long in one's seat
one finds that one's meat can turn sweet.
Denied exercise
or a shake of the thighs
you will find both your feet obsolete.

Chilly

noreply@blogger.com (BrianK) — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 03:42:00 +0000

Poor Madeline Millicent Rice,
whilst skating, dropped her hat near thin ice.
Feeling light on her toes,
she cut towards the chapeau
But the floe couldn't handle the slice.