WRITERS' BLOCK tgh

Selling Their Mothers By The Pound

2012-02-09T17:06:00.007+01:00

Flash back.

“Pakistanis will sell their mothers for a dollar”, remarked an American prosecutor about Pakistani officials who had allegedly played an important role in capturing Aimal Kansi, wanted in the USA for killing two CIA officials outside the Agency’s headquarters in Langley, Virginia. God forgives easily, men seldom do. This Johnny later apologized to Pakistanis but his insult was neither forgiven nor forgotten.

Flash forward to 2010.

‘Breast milk ice cream seized in London amid health and safety complaints’, read a recent news headline—it was bust-breaking news for Londoners.

Meet the maker

At the centre of the controversy was an ice-cream salon called The Icecreamists in London’s Covent Garden, which generated news headlines around the world with the debut of its ‘Baby Gaga’ vanilla and lemon-scented dessert mixed with human breast milk. It would be fair to assume that mostly those deprived of mother’s milk during infancy and fed instead with synthetic infant formulae flocked to empty the salon’s freezers within hours of the creamy launch. The makers commanded £14 for its ‘organic, all-natural’ product in a martini glass accompanied by a bottle of breast milk cocktail.

While love-starved motherless consumers insisted that the ice-cream was ‘natural, organic, and free range’, it was feared that important British leaders, with strict mothers at home, might get addicted to the unheard of milky delight and overnight turn into babbling babes to begin speaking in forked tongues in the cradle of civilization: the oily East.

London’s health authorities launched a tit for tat operation and, unable to arrest the milk-selling mothers, promptly tested the ice cream’s fitness for human consumption and then confiscated the entire ‘unsafe’ supply. Matt O'Connor, the founder and owner of The Icecreamists, never gave up clamouring that the product was ‘made using milk from as many as fifteen mothers who donated by responding to online advertisements.’ One wonders what Matt’s own mother has to say on the topic.

Considering that The Icecreamists obtained no guidance from Britain's Food Standards Agency, the Westminster City Council paid serious attention to complaints from the public over whether selling edibles made from other people's body fluids was illegal. Nevertheless, critics of the government reaction pointed out that ‘no law prohibited a business from selling breast milk ice cream’.

One can swallow pride, chew insults and tolerate illegal detention but to issue oneself a license to thrill with human milk is inexcusable. Why must virtues such as good sense, perfect English manners, and righteousness drown in River Thames?

The man behind The Icecreamists insisted, “Our products met the highest and safest of food standards and we welcomed the huge response to our fresh take on the world of ice cream. Baby Gaga ice-cream sold out as soon as it was launched and women who had signed with us were eager to donate more milk’.

The choice of the Baby Gaga name attracted the wrath of popular superstar Lady Gaga’s lawyers who objected to using the singer’s name and look-alike blonde waitress in a tight, sparkling outfit. The lawyers asked the shop’s owner to behave and recall the character-building lectures he received at school.

Mama Mummia, here we go again

Spare me some moments to read directly from history about cannibalism. As far back as 1000 AD, the crusading Europeans had Egyptian mummies burned, ground up, and turned into powder in order to eat it to cure bruises, coughs, epilepsy, migraines, ulcers, and cases of poison. Up until 1900, the dead remains of black people were considered magical potions and the adepts in churches were regularly given mummy powder (‘mummia’) as medicine. The English King Charles II (1630-1685) rubbed mummy powder on his skin, thinking he would turn into a ‘Pharaoh’. Many wanted terrorists, such as Bush and Blair, since then have rubbed viler things on themselves without ever turning into Pharaohs.

Tutankhamun

There was a time when the chaplain to Queen Catherine de Medici of France specially travelled to Egypt in 1549 and, with physicians from Italy by her side, broke into numerous tombs to hunt down the dead. The queen’s father-in-law, King Francis I of France, always carried an emergency supply of powdered mummy in a pouch around his waist.

Without doubt, such unkind consumption of dead Pharaohs in powder form permanently damaged the brains of the colonialists (British, French, Portuguese, Dutch, Italian and now American) because they sailed to the four corners of the globe expecting the natives to jump into their beds of broken promises and treacherous enslavement through economic subjugation and cultural destruction.

Serious research about mummia consuming colonialists’ descendants will reveal that they are alive and kicking in the shape of present-day ruling families who dream of mummified masses. It does not make a rusted Penny’s worth of a difference to the ex-colonies if the current Queen of England remains on the throne for sixty more years; with Egypt’s Hosni Mubarak removed from office, she just might be sitting on a mountain of mummia.

Ramses

This obsession of the enlightened Europeans with all things Egyptian—down to the pyramid on the American one dollar bill and the tyrannical Pharaoh-like form most governments have taken under the umbrella of a certain global organization. It also explains why it is only possible to shake off ‘tyrants’ if they are Muslims who attempt to break the yoke of usurious global finance.

The ‘Arab Spring’ might be more about the European supply of mummia running out than spread of demon-crazy. The European acts of cannibalism now have a new face: extraction of ice cream from desperately willing mothers. With a near-zero population growth rate, in future what else will the European Union export to the world except for mothers’ milk? Moreover, de-population in Africa still goes on through manufactured famines and viruses created in secret laboratories and called ‘elimination of poverty’ in clandestine gatherings.

Unholy acts in the holy land in the name of Christ

In 1098 AD, with mummia consumption at its peak, during the first crusade the Knights Templar laid siege to a town called Ma’arrat al-Numan where they killed 20,000 inhabitants, and then roasted to consume the remains of Saracens, Turks and their dogs. Historians Rudolph of Caen, Albert of Aix and Fulcher of Chartres minutely noted the deviltry of the hungry crusaders. As terror gripped the entire region, people wondered how Christian knights who had come to accompany pilgrims to the holy land misunderstood The Bible’s chapter John 6 (verses 52 through 56) as a license to cannibalize.

Crusaders throw down heads

Now, if the medieval Europeans did not spare the dead Africans and the inhabitants of Ma’arrat al-Numan, those alive today need not expect mercy. When George W. Bush used the word ‘crusade’ during one of his abominable speeches on G-WOE (global war of error), he knew and the Muslims knew better what that meant. What remains a fact is that historic atrocities have left deep scars in the region’s collective Muslim consciousness.

Elsewhere on the globe

Although nobody is out stealing mummies from the pyramids these days, ice cream salons in the ‘civilized world’ are coercing children’s mummies into selling their excess produce. We live in times when Muslim inmates in Iraqi jails are paraded naked and have their photographs taken by female American soldiers, dead Afghan fighters have their thumbs cut off by NATO warriors as souvenirs for ‘the folks back home’ and then urinated upon as ultimate revenge. These days, dead men do tell tales through YouTube videos.

The London Olympics of 2012 are just around the corner and the last thing Londoners would desire is derision of their strange eating habits, which seem to have strayed far from plain old fish and chips. Recent history proves it is not the first time restaurateurs have insulted mothers by using their milk as a major ingredient in food. Chef Daniel Angerer of Klee Brasserie in New York also used his wife's milk to make cheese for his restaurant. The cheese appeared on a canapé with figs and Hungarian pepper. This was shortly before September 2001, and because a few Arab infants wanted that motherly cheese too, 9/11 happened.

Israel’s wildest wet dream came true when a few ‘Arab’ infants smitten with love for Hollywood’s waywardness, and craving for demon-crazy instead of benevolent dictatorships were stricken blind with free-dumb of ex-pression. The American commander-in-chief, George W. Bush, received miraculous flashes of events as they unfolded. He continued to read a story to school children while the ‘Arabs’ brought down the Twin Breasts, stole a Global Hawk spy plane which caused a missile to chase it into the unzipped fly of the Pants-are-Gone Building scheduled for renovation, and took the passengers riding the fourth missile some place other than Disneyland.

They allowed Pearl Harbour to happen in order to perform the death experiment of atomic radiation on the yellow man instead of white Christian Hitler. As millions on this side of the fence continue to be ritually sacrificed by the Satanists ruling this world, the American people are slowly beginning to wake up to the fact that the truth is now destined to free everyone—unless some buy the world view sold by Langley, Virginia.

Seriously peaceful view

In the east, we take our mothers most seriously and do not stoop to Hollywood lows by producing films with titles like Throw Momma From The Train. Such is the importance, sanctity and bond of mother’s milk in Islam that anyone who drinks a woman’s milk, when less than two years of age, is considered her son or daughter. A sister is often called humsheera (hum: companion of, sheera: milk). Moreover, mothers often threaten erring sons with a rebuke, which translates, ‘I will not allow you to be blessed with my milk on resurrection day’ (meaning, ‘I will disown you and not plead before my Lord for your forgiveness’).

Matt and the waitress

In conclusion, selling ice cream made out of mothers’ milk is an affront to motherhood, milk terrorism, enslavement of free-for-babies breasts, starvation of deserving infants, and oppression of women in the west. This must stop.

Last call for ice cream

‘Civilized societies’ may have their sperm donors who fight legal battles over claims of motherhood or fatherhood, and they may also have their fully grown persons act like infants and bother donor mothers for human milk consumption long after the need to have it has ceased. We—if this is the standard of civility—are better off uncivilized.

With our judiciary’s impotency almost cured, we might hear a Pakistani Attorney General stand erect to remark ‘the British milk their mothers to sell ice-cream by the Pound to the general public’. Of course, he too like the American Johnny will quickly apologize once they burn in protest—as part of the 2012 Olympics’ opening event—our beloved President’s effigy on London Bridge before it falls down with the sound of an entrapped Muslim singing a famous nursery rhyme.

©Tahir Gul Hasan, 2012

Endnote

It appears that all traces of one, John Ashcroft, who uttered the ‘anti-Pakistani’ insult have been surgically removed by those who control the internet http://www.rediff.com/news/aug/01pak.htm

Fruits, Vegetables And Untruths

2011-12-16T16:58:00.006+01:00

TMy rebuttal is about an article titled 'Islamic cleric bans women from touching cucumbers, bananas for sexual resemblance’, and whose excerpts are as follows:

“An Islamic cleric residing in Europe said that women should not be close to bananas or cucumbers, in order to avoid any ‘sexual thoughts’. The unnamed sheikh, said that ‘if women wish to eat these food items, a third party, preferably a male related to them such as their a father or husband, should cut the items into small pieces and serve.’

He said that ‘these fruits and vegetables resemble the male penis and hence could arouse women or make them think of sex’ and added carrots and zucchini to the list of ‘forbidden foods for women’. When asked how to control women when they are out shopping for groceries and if holding these items at the market would be bad for them, the cleric answered saying ‘this matter is between them and God.’

Answering another question about what to do if women in the family like these foods, the sheikh advised the interviewer to ‘take the food and cut it for them in a hidden place so they cannot see it.’"

Who is behind it?

People these days will believe anything and everything that the mass media prints or beams at them. Most people did not find the time to research or ponder over a matter that came to light recently on the internet and which concerned Muslim identity. Thus ran an article’s headline: Islamic cleric bans women from touching bananas, cucumbers for sexual resemblance.

First, the cleric in question is neither a cleric nor a Muslim. Second, some female relative within his own unbelieving family might have ‘touched’ the said items in ways that one need not mention in this article. Third, believing Muslim women need not be compared with unbelieving women who, without the fear of God in their hearts, will readily revel in such perversions if the right price is paid.

Red faced Muslim women, who use circular bits of cucumbers only over their eyes to rid themselves of dark circles, were quick to condemn this bogus insinuation but the ones always lying in wait to malign Muslims found another reason to laugh out aloud.

Since God and the Prophets never forbade believers from touching fruits such as cucumbers and bananas or odd looking vegetables, who is this unheard of ‘Islamic cleric’ to prevent one from doing so? Is this the same kind of mind at work that launched the cartoons of Prophet Muhammad or wrote books such as ‘The Satanic Verses’? If one reads the headline under scrutiny (‘Islamic cleric bans women from touching bananas, cucumbers for sexual resemblance’) it is plain to see the kind of mind that was able to spin such news.

Programmers of mass ‘controlled’ media

The global media is controlled by a half a dozen conglomerates whose sole job is to mow down true public opinion and replace it with perversion and untruths. Journalists, the channels, websites, the talk-show hosts, all need that elusive ‘something’ to rocket their ratings skywards, and they will devour any lie, spin any fabric and do whatever it takes to serve the media moguls. Every little useless bit is featured as ‘headline’ or ‘breaking news’, trivia triggers worthless debates, and panels of covert spin-doctors work overtime to do the bidding of their invisible pay-masters who know how to ‘programme’ our thought patterns. One only has to stop and think: who is against Muslims in this global war of error (G-WOE)?

The answer is painfully obvious but even more painful is the fact that, leave alone Christians, even decent Muslims fall into deceptive Zionist traps. The root cause of instability in the world is the political climate of the middle east, in the middle east exists Israel which is a nuclear power fully financed by America, America is controlled by Zionists, and many from this ‘chosen race’ are bent upon forcing down our throats nothing but ‘peace’ (war) and ‘democracy’ (anarchy through instability). It is this group that supports pro-Zionists and Communists, and punishes anti-Zionists through the arm twisting tactics of public opinion. Through deception, they keep the public’s mind focussed on non-events and non-issues, and which helps keep all dissent and rebellion against the prevalent exploitive global financial system quite ineffective.

Freaks of Nature?

If one were to type the words ‘Muslim women, cucumbers’ into any decent search engine, what would one get? Loads of links referring to the same article, what else? Who, if not the destroyers of entire countries, the plunderers of Muslim wealth, the conspirators against Islam, are behind all of this?

But what, one may ask, is the reason for creating such sensationalism? The reason is the same that Satan uses against a God-ordained system: corruption of all that is good and wholesome. Because this media onslaught is directed against core human values of modesty, shame and other desireable virtues, it will remain largely unchecked if one only consoled oneself by asking ‘but what can I do?’

Apology

Many Muslim women today want more hijab (modest head-scarf), not more skin exposure. They want the exploitation of women to come to an end which the opposing camp helps perpetuate through child pornography rackets in central Europe and sex slave trade linking east European countries with Israel.

While investigating the recent accusation against Muslim women, I came across an apologetic editorial, whose excerpts are as follows:

“As a young news organization (www.bikyamasr.com) we are concerned over the manner of both our reporting on this issue and the way our article was used by a number of global organizations to promote their own partisan agendas.

It was my own editorial oversight that failed in allowing this story to be published. It was my duty to not publish this story before we could gather independent verification about the details behind the original Arabic article from www.assawsana.com.

The “Islamic cleric bans women from touching cucumbers, bananas for sexual resemblance,” article should not have run when it did; it should not have been run at all. We should not have published about an ‘unnamed sheikh’ in an unnamed European country unless we were able to garner more information on the issue, both on the sheikh himself and the news website the information was gathered from, independently.

We have an increased responsibility to not only verify our own material at the highest levels, but further investigate the quotes and articles of other news organizations before referencing their work. This is our error. We apologize for the poor judgment on the matter.

We recognize our pitfalls and their repercussions . . . error in judgment can have serious, detrimental effects. We apologize to our readers for the inadequate editorial judgment. We should not have sourced a piece published by a small website based on such limited, unverifiable information. We accept responsibility for doing so and are working to correct the aspects of our organizational culture which allowed this mistake to occur.

Reporting in a fair and accurate manner on Islam is a difficult process, and one that www.bikyamasr.com takes very seriously. We will continue to push for more information on this story in order to interrogate the accuracy of their original article. If we cannot uncover more information, then we take it as our duty to make this clear and do everything in our power to spread that revelation to those who have sourced and quoted it.

We apologize to our readers for letting them down, and will strive to assure them with our future work that we are making fundamental, institutional changes to assure that mistakes like this do not happen again.”

©Tahir Gul Hasan, 2011

References
English article: www.bikyamasr.com
Original Arabic article at http://www.assawsana.com/portal/newsshow.aspx?id=58893
http://bikyamasr.com/50403/islamic-cleric-bans-women-from-touching-bananas-cucumbers-for-sexual-resemblance/

Kiss Of The Unveiled Spider-Woman

2011-09-30T13:39:00.003+02:00

Who, if not the inventive miniaturization-loving Japanese, could have thought of sending kisses across cyberspace using one’s tongue? Welcome to the digital age in which everything must be digitized, stored, altered, sent, received, recycled in a bin and finally emptied to make more room for more trash.

But first, some kiss history. The word came from Old English cyssan ‘to kiss’, which in turn came from coss ‘a kiss’. Kissing is recent development in western culture and is rarely mentioned in Greek literature. It only recently became a social gesture, a sign of refinement of the higher classes. In the east, the same refinement was once seen writ large on the faces of the men who frequented the rooftop dens of ultra-refined dancing girls of affluent Lucknow.

It is believed kissing was quite rare among the lower and semi-civilized races but was firmly established as instinctive in the advanced societies—whatever the word ‘advanced’ means. The kiss seems to have been unknown to the ancient Egyptians, which makes one wonder about the hold of Cleopatra on Marcus Antonius. However, the kiss was well-established in early Greece, Assyria, and India.

Today, science has convinced us by showing us brain scans of people involved in lovely relationships and found that after that first magical meeting, a complex system in the brain is activated which mimics what a person experiences when under the influence of cocaine. In studies of affection between paramours, when the human guinea pigs viewed images of their partners, the reward and motivation systems (in the ventral tegmental area) was found flooded with dopamine, an internal chemical that is released when one undertakes something exciting.

Kissing requires tremendous muscular coordination of 34 facial and 112 postural muscles, the most important one being the kissing muscle (orbicularis oris) which is used to wrinkle the lips. Lips have numerous nerve endings which make them sensitive to touch and bite. And in the case of the French kiss, the tongue plays an important role.

Affection does reduce stress. When kissing was studied in experiments, it was found that an increase in the frequency of kissing in marital and cohabiting relationships resulted in a reduction of perceived stress, an increase in relationship satisfaction, and a lowering of cholesterol levels. One can now better understand why they convinced the masses to consume fewer eggs instead of promoting marathon kissing sessions.

Kissing causes the adrenal glands to release adrenaline and norepinephrine into the blood, which brings on an adrenaline rush that benefits the cardiovascular system. When the heart pumps faster during a passionate kiss, one may burn up to three calories per minute—not that lovers carry with them calorie counters.

Of course, most Christians overemphasize the ‘Jesus is love’ bit and neglect his struggle against sodomy in the God’s temples and usurious practices of the rabbis and derive greater inspiration from the second verse of the song of Solomon 1:2 from the Old Testament:

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth

For thy love is better than wine

Medicinal properties and religious inclinations aside, kisses could become the next big business with servers across the world dedicated to nothing but storing the lip-prints and audio signatures of millions of cyber-kissers. When thieves begin to steal famous kisses and the Wall Street bankers sell them to vulnerable investors, the police will appear with not fingerprint experts but rather with kiss-and-tell specialists. And whether its Osama or Obama, everyone kisses, therefore, terrorists at-large and those on Washington’s Capitol Hill will all be caught using only their kiss signatures.

This conspiracy of inventing a contraption capable of ‘getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other’ in cyberspace was hatched in Tokyo's Kajimoto Laboratory. The device allows French kissing over the Internet by flapping the tongue on a plastic straw to make another plastic straw flap remotely on someone else's tongue.

The French, before they started imposing fines on veiled Muslim women, were a polite and tolerant people. The reason they clung for so long to ‘preserving the French habit of kissing ladies' hands was that they believed that a man needed to ‘start somewhere.’ Later they invented French kissing (sucking lips, moving tongues) but today the bitter truth is that a French man can ‘drive safely while kissing a pretty girl because he is unable to give the kiss the attention it deserves.’

The Japanese remote kissing device, a motorized box, resembles a police Breathalyzer used for finding out if a driver is or is not drunk. It converts circular movements of one’s tongue through motors into a kiss that can be felt across the seven seas. I would much rather prefer a kiss that can be felt across one’s entire body.

Now let us look at the Kiss Machine. When one manipulates a plastic tube on one device using the tongue, a computer program stores the movements on a computer and transmits them to another device, causing its tube to move in the mouth of a distant loved one. The inventor actually wishes to rescue long distance relationships with this ‘kiss transmission devices’ (KTD) by transmitting the tactile sensation of kissing from one person to another. The information can be saved and replayed repeatedly.

The researchers seem to realize that most people might not exactly find licking a plastic tube a sensational replacement for the real thing because even the worst kiss comes with a sense of taste, breath noises and plenty of moistness produced by interactive tongues. The inventors aim to re-create all of those wonderful feelings. Will be soon have wet mouse-pads, speakers that make wonderful ‘mmm’ sounds or inflatable dummies to do our bidding? Are we being changed to hide behind our computer screens?

Just as there are full-contact Karate competitions, in the near future we might have full-on person-to-person experience over the Internet. The inventor of the Kiss Machine dreams of having popular entertainers use his device to record kisses that could generate global interest and profit. I do not think all our social ills and financial woes will evaporate once we begin to swipe our tongues over plastic straws.

There are more serious issues such as how might one decide if the person on the other side is experiencing kissing for the first time? In 1948, the Ladies Home Journal insisted that ‘it takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner.’

Kisses too, like most other things in life, have been categorized into types such as adolescent, sexual/romantic, non-sexual, affection, religious, peace, respect, friendship, and those shown by the entertainment industry.

Once the Japanese start rolling out from their factories the new clever invention, we will have a new breed of kiss criminals (kissminals), or simple people who get caught in the act by their loved ones. The need of the hour is to start cooking the right excuses immediately, such as: honey I was just improving my tongue’s motor skills; sweetheart I was NOT really kissing another woman but rather just a straw; darling I was going to try this on you once I was finished here; or as Chico Marxsaid, “I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.”

Ladies and gentlemen, in the near future, if you find your spouse innocently tonguing a straw late into the night imagining you might be asleep, consider my simple recipe: don’t argue, don’t destroy the crockery, but firmly plant a kiss on his lips that does not taste like plastic because ‘a kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.’

©Tahir Gul Hasan, 2011

Allama Iqbal: A letter to The Times

2011-09-07T16:16:00.004+02:00

Reproduced for your viewing pleasure is Allama Iqbal's letter that he wrote to The Times of London, and which was published on 12 October 1931 on page 8.

Iqbal's poetry may have been full dreams of Islamic revival and all out activism but it does not appear that he ever advocated, let alone dream, of what we are facing today as a result of injecting alien medicines that the body of Pakistan does not require for its cure.

The text

Sir,— Writing in your issue of October 3 last, Dr. E. Thompson has torn the following passage from its context in my presidential address to the All-India Moslem League of last December, in order to serve as evidence of “Pan-Islamic plotting”:

I would like to see the Punjab, North-West Frontier Province, Sind, and Baluchistan amalgamated into a single State. Self-government within the British Empire or without the British Empire, the formation of a consolidated North-West Indian Moslem State appears to me to be the final destiny of the Moslems, at least of North-West India.

May I tell Dr. Thompson that in this passage I do not put forward a “demand” for a Moslem state outside the British Empire, but only a guess at the possible outcome in the dim future of the mighty forces now shaping the destiny of the Indian sub-continent. No Indian Moslem with any pretence to sanity contemplates a Moslem state or series of States in North-West India outside the British commonwealth of Nations as a plan of practical politics.

Although I would oppose the creation of another cockpit of communal strife in the Central Punjab, as suggested by some enthusiasts, I am all for a redistribution of India into provinces with effective majorities of one community or another on lines advocated both by the Nehru and the Simon Reports. Indeed, my suggestion regarding Moslem provinces merely carries forward this idea. A series of contented and well-organized Moslem provinces on the North-West Frontier of India would be the bulwark of India and of the British Empire against the hungry generations of the Asiatic highlands.

Yours faithfully,

Muhammed Iqbal
St. James’s court, S.W.1, Oct. 10.

Scanned image of the letter

London visits

The following year, 1932, Iqbal again visited London in connection with the Third Round Table Conference held between Indian leaders and the British government. At a reception in his honour on 24 November, attended by members of the British Parliament and diplomats from many countries, Iqbal made a short statement which ended with the words:

“Muslims have courage and have always shown loyalty and affection for Great Britain. I hope the Muslims’ legitimate claims and aspirations would be fully safeguarded in the final settlement.” (Letters and Writings of Iqbal, page 70)

A similar function was held on 15 December in a room in the Houses of Parliament where foreign diplomats and members of the House of Lords and Commons were invited to meet Iqbal and other members of the Muslim delegation. Iqbal summarised the case for the Muslims of India, and ended his speech as follows:

“I, therefore, respectfully submit that the demands the Muslims of India have placed before you are worth your consideration, because a powerful India will solve for ever the question that is most prominent in politics at the present time, the question of the cooperation of the East and West. India lies between the East and West, and if the Muslims are allowed an opportunity, with the co-operation of England, they can serve the people of Asia and of England.”

©Tahir Gul Hasan, 2011

Crescent Observation Predictions For Shawwal 1432 AH

2011-08-26T01:05:00.019+02:00

They will ask thee about the new moons. Say: "They indicate the periods for [various doings of] mankind, including the pilgrimage." (Qur’an 2:189)

Dear readers, Eid al-Fitr is around the corner. Please use the following data to observe this year’s Shawwal crescent at Lahore.

Consult the visibility curves for 29, 30, 31 August 2011 which will clearly define the geographical locations where the crescent may or may not be visible. Also carefully not the GREEN curves!

By checking things yourself, you will gain confidence in your observation, feel happy observing this ‘sunnah’ action of the last Messenger of Allah, and find out how accurate the Central Rooyat-e-Hilal Committee of Pakistan really is.

Location: Lahore, Pakistan

Expected temperature: 26 Celsius

Expected atmospheric pressure: 1003 hP

Conjunction (birth of new moon): 29 August 2011 at 08:04 LT (03:04 UTC)

Data for 29 August 2011

Best time to observe the crescent: 18:31 LT

Sunset: 18:31 LT

Moonset: 18:24 LT (the moon sets BEFORE the sun sets)

Time lag: (between sunset and moonset): -00:07 minutes

Moon age: 10:27 hours

Moon altitude (height above horizon): -1.2 degrees (note the moon is BELOW the horizon)

Azimuth (direction): 273.7 degrees

Moon’s distance from Earth: 361,991 Km

RESULT: The crescent will NOT be visible

Data for 30 August 2011

Best time to observe the crescent: 18:44 LT

Sunset: 18:29 LT

Moonset: 19:01 LT (the moon sets AFTER the sun sets)

Time lag: (between sunset and moonset): 00:32 minutes

Moon age: 34:40 hours

Moon altitude (height above horizon): 3.9 degrees (above the horizon)

Azimuth (direction): 263.6 degrees

Moon’s distance from Earth: 360,879 Km

RESULT: The crescent will be visible using an optical aid (or MAYBE visible with naked eyes)

Data for 31 August 2011

Best time to observe the crescent: 19:00 LT

Sunset: 18:28 LT

Moonset: 19:40 LT

Time lag (between sunset and moonset): 01:12 hours

Moon age: 58:56 hours

Moon altitude (height above horizon): 8.25 degrees

Azimuth (direction): 253.9 degrees

Moon’s distance from Earth: 361,431 Km

RESULT: The crescent will be EASILY visible

Please click this link to see how THIN a crescent less than 20 hours old really is:
http://www.icoproject.org/album20a.html
Here is what a crescent that is between 20 and 24 hours old looks like:
http://www.icoproject.org/album20-24a.html
And now a crescent that is more than 30 hours old (COMPARE all three links):
http://www.icoproject.org/album30a.html

Data for Karachi (30 August 2011):

Best time to observe the crescent: 19:11 LT

Sunset: 18:53 LT

Moonset: 19:33 LT

Time lag: (between sunset and moonset): 00:41 minutes

Moon altitude (height above horizon): 5.1 degrees (above the horizon)

Azimuth (direction): 263.7 degrees

RESULT: The crescent will be EASILY visible

Data for Peshawar (30 August 2011):

Best time to observe the crescent: 18:44 LT

Sunset: 18:56 LT

Moonset: 19:12 LT

Time lag: (between sunset and moonset): 00:29 minutes

Moon altitude (height above horizon): 3.4 degrees (above the horizon)

Azimuth (direction): 263.5 degrees

Moon’s distance from Earth: 360,879 Km

RESULT: The crescent will be visible using an optical aid (or MAYBE visible with naked eyes)

Analysis
Notice how the latitude of three cities of Pakistan effects the crescent's location above the horizon. Hence, the chances of observation at Karachi is far greater than that at Peshawar:
Peshawar: crescent at 3.4 degrees
Lahore: crescent at 3.9 degrees
Karachi: cresccent at 5.1 degree

LATEST UPDATE
A mosque's imam from Peshwar has announced that 'witnesses have reported seeing the Shawwal crescent on the evening of 29 August 2011'. The Imam claims he 'is not part of the official crescent-sighting committee', has produced no authentic proof (picture, video or sighting data) and is out to create a schism amongst Muslims.

Instead of admitting that he is unnaturally sympathetic towards the Saudi decision and wishes to celebrate Eid on the 30 August, the Imam has lied all the way! May Allah deal with such violators and such fake men of faith.

Data for Peshawar (29 August 2011):

Sunset: 18:44 LT

Moonset: 18:36 LT

Time lag: (between sunset and moonset): -00:08 minutes (the moon sets AFTER the sun sets)

Moon altitude (height above horizon): -1.5 degrees (notice, BELOW the horizon)

Azimuth (direction): 274 degrees

RESULT: The crescent will be NOT be visible

Note:

I gratefully acknowledge the help of Mr Muhammad Odeh (www.icoproject.com/) and Dr Khalid Shaukat (http://www.moonsighting.com/) in learning so many things about the moon. I have used their knowledge and predictive lunar observationarticles relating to lunar observations.

©Tahir Gul Hasan, 2011

Crescent Observation Predictions Ramadan 1432 AH

2011-07-31T22:26:00.006+02:00

Due to time constraints, I am unable to complete this article but please allow me to present the data (for Lahore, Pakistan) and two predictive pictures of the globe that might enable you to spot the crescent of 1432 Hijrah.

The predictive software that I use is quite precise (Accurate Times) in helping one look in the correct direction (azimuth) and height above the horizon (altitude of a celestial body).

But first, let us look at this interesting illustration of what various moon phases look like.

Data for 31 July 2011, Lahore:

Conjunction Time (birth of the new moon): 30 July 2011 at 23:40 PST

Moon Age: +19H 20M (even a 19 hours old crescent may not be visible)

Moon Altitude: +03°:02':25" (quite low on the horizon)

Moon Azimuth: +281°:13':06"

Moon Lag Time: +00H 14M (note 'very short time' between sunset and moonset)

PREDICTION: The crescent is NOT visible even with an optical aid.

Data for 01 August 2011, Lahore:

Moon Age: +43H 19M (although quite old, it could only be seen after sunset)

Moon Altitude: +11°:05':06" (comfortable to look at)

Moon Azimuth: +270°:02':52"

Moon Lag Time: +00H 53M (note 'sufficient time' between sunset and moonset)

PREDICTION: The crescent is EASILY VISIBLE by naked eye.

As for the two pictures below (31 July and 01 August 2011), please note the legend in the bottom right hand side to see who will be able to see the crescent in which country.

As shown in the first picture, observing the crescent on 31 July 2011 is impossible in our region but will be possible on 01 August 2011. Therefore, unless Allah wills it otherwise, Ramadan of 1432 Hijrah will commence from 02 August 2011.

The diagram on the right depicts the phases of the moon as seen from the Earth.

With Eid around the corner I will return to this space with more useful information regarding lunar astronomy, especially with reference to problems relating to Islamic crescent observation methods.

Best wishes for the coming month of Ramadan.

©2011 Tahir Gul Hasan

Mercedes-Benz E200 Kompressor High Speed Test

2011-07-24T16:53:00.012+02:00

WARNING: Unless you are well-connected to someone in the National Highway Authority, do NOT attempt to run your own high speed test like the one shown in this video.

Et tu Nawazu?

Despite my poverty on four wheels, I was a happy man in 2003 when I first drove my old 1300cc Japanese car at 140 Km/h on the M2 motorway.

The ex-Prime Minister of Pakistan, Mian Muhammad Nawaz Sharif, is credited with doing three things: testing an atomic bomb up in the remote hills of Baluchistan, having a six lane motorway built between Lahore and Islamabad and finally going for a hair transplant.

The M2 being a joint venture project between Pakistan and Korea, Nawaz Sharif laid its foundation stone on 11 January 1992 and inaugurated it on 26 November 1997. He did the undoable by ‘wasting huge sums of money on one of Asia’s most expensive highways’.

The Fast Lane

The new M2 is a faster alternative to the old GT Road. Although the 367 Km long M2 increases the distance between Lahore and Rawalpindi, it cuts down the travel time considerably. As in the old days, when the GT Road was dotted with caravanserais and trees on both sides, the M2 has plenty of resting points, whose names are associated with nearby towns. Keeping in view the public’s penchant for consuming refreshments, there are plenty of free public toilets all along the route—a major achievement considering that in many parts of the industrialized world, one pays to answer the call of nature.

One must pay a one-way toll fee of Rs 235 on the M2 which is a small price for laying one’s tired eyes on scenic beauty and totally bypassing all the dirt and noise produced by heavy vehicular traffic on GT Road where carefree humans and animals suddenly cross one’s path.

History

Indeed Nawaz Sharif upped the ante on Sher Shah Suri who merely renovated the famous Sarak-e-Azam (Great Road) that linked the capital at Agra (India) with his home in Sasaram. Suri extended the road westwards to Multan (now in Pakistan) and eastwards to Sonargaon (now in Bangladesh) in the 16^th century AD. The same highway was later re-named by the British as Grand Trunk Road—now popularly known as GT Road.

The most interesting points of this scenic drive on the M2 are the world’s largest rock salt deposits and Asia’s highest pillared bridge built at Khewra Salt Range near Kallar Kahaar, home to ICI’s chemical processing industrial plants. Not many who drive by a town called Bhera realise it dates back to the time when Alexander of Macedon, invaded us in the name of democracy in 326 BCE. He was followed By Mahmud of Ghazni, Genghis Khan and Shahab-ud-din Ghauri, Zaheer-ud-din Babur and Sher Shah Suri.

Greed For Speed

Life on the M2 begins when you exceed 120 Km/h, the legal speed limit on the motorway. If one has a powerful car, there is much to gain from occasional speeding such as: shrieking children, a scared wife reciting aloud holy verses, one’s own pounding heart (which invariably pounds less after a few years of having uttered ‘I DO’ thrice), an engine revving away on automobile-Viagra and best of all, adrenalized highway policemen lying in wait for the next speed demon.

What you see in the video here is a Mercedes-Benz E-Klasse (W211) E200 Kompressor not chased by the police on the M2. While the automobile is capable of reaching a top speed of 236 Km/h (146.7 mph), we could only touch 222 Km/h (139 mph) or 96.5% of the maximum.

While the E200 Kompressor can accelerate from 0 to 100 Km/h (0-62 mph) in a 9.1 seconds, it took us full fifty-eight seconds to accelerate from 128 Km/h (80 mph) to 222 Km/h (139 mph). This slightly slower acceleration resulted because the car was loaded (approximately 380 Kg) with five adults, their luggage, and forty Litres of petrol in the tank—conditions hardly conducive to an ideal speed test.

Test Conditions

Elevation: 366m (1,200 feet) above mean sea level

Temperature: 35 Celsius

Relative humidity: 63%

Speed Vs RPM data

80 mph (128 Km/h) @ RPM 3,500

90 mph (144 Km/h) @ RPM 4,000

100 mph (160 Km/h) @ RPM 4,200

110 mph (176 Km/h) @ RPM 4,700

120 mph (192 Km/h) @ RPM 5,100

130 mph (208 Km/h) @ RPM 5,500 (drop to 4,700)

139 mph (222 Km/h) @ RPM rise to 5,000

The acceleration rate was 1.55 Km/h every one second. The distance being covered was from 2.13 Km/minute (at an initial speed of 128 Km/h) to 3.7 Km/minute (at a final speed of 222 Km/h).

Finding a five kilometres long traffic-free stretch in the right lane on the M2 was not an easy task considering that the Motorway Patrol watches motorists at such sweet spots for over-speeding. After all, they too have wives and young children to feed at home.

At places, the concrete divider that separated the lanes on each side of the M2 had gaps through which stray cats or dogs could suddenly cross one’s path. At such speeds, even a bird hitting the car’s body might act like a bullet, hence the possibility of a high speed crash was more on the mind than a ticket for over-speeding.

Money On four Wheels

Depending upon the options, the current price of an E200 (2011 model) in Pakistan is anywhere from 8.2 to 8.6 million Rupees. Add to that an annual comprehensive insurance premium of at least Rs 250,000, one time registration fee of at least Rs 100,000 and the cost of using high octane (RON 95 rating) fuel at Rs 103/Litre. With this much white money out of a banker’s clutches and moving gracefully on four wheels, one would be a complete fool not to conquer temptation by giving in to it on the M2.

Buying a Mercedes-Benz means one pays for the superb ride quality, lower noise level inside, the ability to touch hitherto unknown speeds and see jealousy writ large on the faces of lesser mortals on the road. Speeding away like a bullet at 222 Km/h brought home the realization this July that life is for living.

In Pakistan, millions spend their entire lives saving enough to buy either an 800 cc Suzuki or a 1,300 cc Toyota, always worrying about children’s higher education. The feel of driving a pedigree automobile—such as a Porsche 911 Carrera which I once drove in England at 240 Km/h (150 mph)—is something quite beyond words.

Tail Lights

Men express happiness when women get themselves waxed but almost all women show signs of jealousy when a man pays more attention to his first love: his car. Now, if you ladies will excuse me, I need to go wax my E200 Kompressor.

Pictures In My Mind

2011-07-12T19:53:00.000+02:00

If a man approaches a work of art with any desire to exercise authority over it and the artist, he approaches it in such a spirit that he cannot receive any artistic impression from it at all. —Oscar Wilde

Reproduced for your viewing pleasure are the obverse and the reverse sides of the invitation card of my first ever solo photography exhibition titled ‘One for the Road’, held at Lahore’s Alliance Française from 5 until 18 March 2005.

The director at the Alliance Française, Matthieu Pinel, was most cooperative from the beginning and matters such as image selection, print size, and framing were left entirely to my Pakistani imagination mainly because his immediate superior, mademoiselle Giselle, had already appreciated my work in private.

Hectic were the days leading up to the opening night but excitement left panic knocking at the door. To be honest, photography seemed an easier job compared with organizing a major public display of it.

More than half of my images were in colour, with no digital manipulation in Adobe Photoshop software. Long hours spent at yet another photo lab that only processed black and white (silver gelatine) prints paid off as well. Ah, the lengths one must go to satisfy discerning eyes.

The cameras I used were good old film cameras from as far back in time as the 1950s. Nothing was digital, all was either shot using the square 6x6 cm format or standard 35mm negative film. Whenever interested viewers or interviewers wished to know what camera bodies or lens I had used, I laid great stress on the power wielded by something considered quite old-fashioned: the negative.

It was odd to note that ordinary people seemed to equate quality images with unusually expensive and complicated digital gadgetry. There is no short cut to hard work and just about any camera in capable hands automatically becomes a powerful creative tool, and the greater the artistic vision, the less important the fixation on equipment becomes, but even this truth takes time to absorb.

At home, I spent endless hours getting the photograph’s titles and the pricelist right. Since I knew that photographs always sold less than paintings did, the prices were kept affordable.

Mine was the first event to be held at the new Alliance Française premises located at Scotch Corner, Upper Mall. The opening day was extremely busy as nearly all the media people and members of civil society descended in time for free snacks—if not fine Scotch—that the ‘French Centre’ had arranged in the front lawn.

The first ever exhibition of my work was a solo show—a great breakthrough for me. Friends, colleagues, neighbours, strangers, famous names and perhaps unrecognizable old flames, all turned up at the venue during those fourteen days. If the public got any wrong impressions from seeing certain images, it was because it did not look long and hard at them.

The public’s comments in the visitors’ book that I had placed there were equally amusing—I learnt nothing new about myself. While the literati used the same book rather wisely, the ignoramuses of our society abused it by penning thoughts that actually showed me how unhappy they were to witness genuine creativity. The latter group—unable to appreciate the meticulous printing, expensive glass-covered frames and the witty titles of the photographs—expected from a first time solo exhibiter, quantity and not quality, inability to expound and not lucidity, mistakes and not perfection. And hence, the shutter-bugs imposed themselves on my work and took little home to brood over. It was their loss, not mine, and that made me very happy.

Alliance Française invited people from the print and electronic media to cover the exhibition. Interesting were the questions of journalists, some of whom wrote entire articles without having laid eyes on me, preferring to plagiarize the text of the invitation card instead. It made me glad that for a change they wrote fine English.

Interviewers from various television channels, woefully unfamiliar with matters of Art, made me feel they were at a political rally. And by the time the gentlemen from Pakistan Television got over, they imagined I taught photography professionally, something I vehemently denied.

I was asked, “What should the gore-mint do to promote the art?”

Unexpected for them was my reply, “I think the government should only concentrate on running itself without meddling with Art and artists”.

One TV channel aired my interview so many times I was convinced their viewers had absorbed plenty of Art and knew all my words by heart.

Not everyone came as a buyer but some bought what they liked at the exhibition. With urban and rural landscapes, abstractions and street photographs, there were forty-two prints on display. In any case, I exceeded my sales target and was happy to share the cake with my French sponsors.

By the end of the exhibition, director Matthieu Pinel too was a happy customer who bought a black and white photograph titled, Lord of the Rings, which was a street portrait of man selling rings that common folks can be seen wearing in Pakistan.

I had plans of taking the circus to the Federal capital but decided to spare the capitalists so in love with bad policies plaguing this country. Then I thought of Karachi but decided to let the unhappy ethnicities first decide matters relating to ‘the art of war’ between their rotten selves.

These days, everybody needs a painting to match the interior decor, and calligraphy of Qur’ānic verses seems safe since many believe that if they hung depictions of human beings on the walls, God will ask them to breathe life into them. God has better things to do than that.

Art is one’s individual expression and pays tribute to the unity in diversity. Art is the opposite of organized religion and this is the reason why artificially pious persons, unable to attach unverifiable dogmas to each stroke of genius, hate its unfathomable abstractions.

Lahore now has many art galleries and some still wish to put up my work for sale. Since March of 2005, I have not decided if I should become famous as a photographer or as a wordsmith.

©Tahir Gul Hasan, 2011

Further reading:

http://writersblocktgh.blogspot.com/2010/04/tgh-photography-exhibition-dawn-article.html

Aliens From Inner Space

2011-07-02T15:35:00.006+02:00

Please restrict yourselves to reading my tongue-in-cheek style of written material; never imagine that I have my tongue inside forbidden cheeks. –tgh

You are many in number, are spread all over the globe and have seen me grow over the years.

What is this map here?

Are these locations of Al-CIAda’s bases—as America would have us believe? Are they places where military DICK-tators have hidden our clean money as ‘dirty’ money? Are you still guessing if these are shops that sell red balloons? Give up wracking your frail nerves right away!

Well, this is how all readers, commentators and casual browsers of my blog really look like on the world map! Surprised?

As you can see, from Hawaii to Japan, I have got it covered. Why do so few possess literary tastes in South America is beyond me, and why are there no readers from Australia, Africa, Russia, CIS countries and Greenland? I can take some horses to the proverbial well but I cannot make them all drink.

Use word of mouth, and spread the good word around because I love you all in shockingly different ways and for whose demonstration you must never ask.

Thank you for your support.

Regards.

Hotel California (Hotel Abbotabadia)

2011-06-24T22:43:00.015+02:00

On 2 May 2011, America again fooled the entire world with news we knew were untrue; that of Osama bin Laden’s state-sponsored assassination at the hands of CIA’s hit squad which violated Pakistan’s airspace to conduct its unintelligent business.

Just like Pearl Harbour and 9/11, the clandestine operation at Abbotabad too begs for answers which, I assure you, we will never get from the MIC (military industrial complex). You see, major charges trumped up against OBL were dropped once the thirst of the American public for ‘enemy blood’ was quenched and Obama’s flagging popularity at home received a shot in the arm.

As of this writing, they are busy doctoring OBL’s pictures, much like those moon landing photographs of 1969 which had so many inconsistencies that NASA never bothered satisfactorily explaining to the sceptics. But people will believe in anything the spin doctors working for the lying governments throw at them. My life is simple; I treat official truth in my patent-pending way: by laughing at it aloud while rolling on the floor.

Many years ago, when I first heard the Eagles’ global hit ‘Hotel California’ (Grammy winner for best record of the year), I was bowled over not only by the fine musicianship and immaculate production standards of this country-rock outfit but also by their writing ability as evidenced in other songs from the album of the same name.

Back then the lyrics seemed to talk about a fancy hotel with a unique policy: ‘you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave’. Now, who in his youth would not wish to land at such a fortunate spot? Many of my friends took things quite literally, crossed the Atlantic to live the American dream, and got themselves blonde wives who home-delivered to them two things: great matrimonial grief and confused children. Years later, most men from the same group returned to Pakistan quite empty-handed in every sense of the word. Their American wet dream had dried up.

Repeated playbacks of ‘Hotel California’ caused my chrome cassette tape emulsion to nearly wear out but it finally dawned upon me that while to the casual listener ‘Hotel California’ represented a tale of a road-wearied man entrapped in a terrifying but appealing lavish hotel, in reality it symbolized the destructive pleasure-seeking culture of America. Justifiably, Don Henley (singer, songwriter, drummer of the Eagles) called it ‘our interpretation of the high life in Los Angeles’ and ‘a song about the dark underbelly of the American dream and about excess in America, which is something we knew a lot about.’

Little did I realize back then that years later, none other than the ‘most wanted terrorist in the world’, Osama bin Laden, would check into a house in Abbotabad (Pakistan) in a manner which would attract the attention of seals that the American navy would not want inside Lahore zoo’s pond.

The entire world’s focus was quickly diverted—away from failing capitalism and bankrupting economies—towards a defiant Arab from the royal family of Saudi Arabia. We were told that Pakistan’s army knew about OBL’s opulent accommodation right next to its military academy and that some Islamist sympathizers had made sure he evaded detection by the CIA.

Then we were shown video footage of a huge compound being strafed and raided by the US navy commandos who returned, after completing the ‘successful mission’, back to Afghanistan with a unique trophy: OBL’s dead body which they later buried in a novel way into an unknown sea. I believe the Arab did not go to the bottom of the Arabian Sea.

The roach motel they showed us did not have bullet marks or shattered windows, the neighbours told conflicting stories about how the stealth helicopter was intentionally shot down to make it appear as if a great battle between the American attackers and al-CIAda (note my spellings) had taken place. The media kept humming the tune that the White Washed House of Washing Town composed for them, and the US and her allies kept making excuses for not bringing OBL’s body home for burial with full military dishonour.

It is politically correct to believe that OBL, along with his rather large family checked into a luxury villa in Abbotabad and remained there undetected and quite in control of al-CIAda for five long years without being tracked by those who could not track the 9/11 jet airliners flying about in the most protected airspace in the world. And since OBL was such an able man, by Allah, he deserves to be remembered as a tired traveller in my parody called Hotel Abbotabadia.

OBL was not from Abbotabad and probably never lived there. The Eagles’ too were not from California but they successfully captured in a song what ran through their minds as they drove around Los Angeles at night to review their broken Hollywood dreams.

I am not from Abbotabad but years ago I spent a few days in a house on the slopes overlooking the PMA (Pakistan Military Academy). Much like the Eagles, I too have been able to capture the spirit of that fateful night in my parody. What I mean by certain words, phrases and names used in my parody is up to the reader to find out.

In Chicago, many people called Cook County jail ‘Hotel California’ because it is on California Street. In an interview, Eagles’ Don Henley was asked to explain why he sang the following lines when he knew that wine was not a distilled spirit but rather a fermented alcoholic drink:

So I called up the captain / Please bring me my wine / He said, “We haven't had that spirit here since 1969.”

Henley replied, "Thanks for the tutorial and, no, you're not the first to bring this to my attention—and you're not the first to completely misinterpret the lyric and miss the metaphor. Believe me; I've consumed enough alcoholic beverages in my time to know how they are made and what the proper nomenclature is. But that line in the song has little or nothing to do with alcoholic beverages. It's a socio-political statement. My only regret would be having to explain it in detail to you, which would defeat the purpose of using literary devices in song-writing and lower the discussion to some silly and irrelevant argument about chemical processes.”

The text of my parody appeared to me in a dream in which I saw terrifying commandos marching to the tune of a famous song. The icing on the cake was that instead of the Eagles, it was a military brass band that played ‘Hotel California’. And God, it sounded very soldierly.

I dedicate Hotel Abbotabadia to those who turn a blind eye to universal American aggression, do not mind NATO’s involvement, do not clobber the UN Security Council for acting like a poodle, and to those who arm the extremists and support Pakistani establishment’s collusion in this utterly useless global war of error (G-WOE) being waged in our continent.

The original Hotel California (for those who are new to this classic cut):

Please click on the karaoke track of Hotel California and sing along the following lyrics for maximum pleasure:

Hotel Abbotabadia

Said a Pak desi, "Hai oye,

Colonel Rind has no hair!”

Bomb-scare and militias

Climbing up through the stairs

Up ahead was resistance, I saw a bearded delight

The lads got angry ‘cause at night we pimped

One more puff, chilled Bud light

There he stood in the stairway

I heard the Colonel yell

“And he’s limping, that’s OBL

Langley’s agent of neo-con hell!”

Then he bit off my handle

And he shoved me away

There were khakis down on second floor

Beards shouted, “God’s great!”

CHORUS:

Hell comes to the Intel Abbotabadia

Such a lovely place (such a lovely place)

Such a lonely base

Plenty of boom at the Intel Abbotabadia

Any time, O yaar (any time, O yaar)

Find your copter here

Radar is stealthily busted

We got the Pentagon’s pants

We got a lot of pretty witty boys, that we call 'friends'

Its a trance in the bomb yard

Sweet C4 pets

Some plan to dismember

Some plan pious bets

So I hauled up the captain,

“Please bring me my Wyne”

He said, "We haven't had that idiot here since M. Ayub Khan's time!"

Be still our bosses are flying out from Ghan base

Shake you up in the middle of the night

Must you say your prayers?

CHORUS:

Hell comes to the Intel Abbotabadia

Such a lovely place (such a lovely place)

Such a lonely base

They lovin' it all at the Intel Abbotabadia

Want a nicer prize? (want a nicer prize?)

Bring your Ali bhais

Choppers on the ceiling

A sting campaign and lies

And he says, "We're all just pensioners here since Gitmo is not that nice"

And in the oval chambers they gather up to meet

They back it with their lying eyes, throw the dust in eyes of khakis

The last thing I remember, Dick was running like a whore

I had to plant fake evidence, get my rear back to the shore

"Relax", said the Gates-man, “We're programmed to deceive

You can poo anywhere you like, but you can never pee."

Guitar LEAD:

TeeoN teeoN teeoN teeoN teeeeooooo ooooN...

Tooo...ooon...ooon...ooon...ooon...ooo...aannn...(until fade)

©Tahir Gul Hasan 2011
Under no circumstances must anyone use my parody for a musical performance or recording in any medium. Violators will be fully prostituted.

Pakistan’s State Emblem Explained

2011-06-17T13:02:00.007+02:00

More out of curiosity and less driven by misplaced patriotism I decided to check what the strange emblem on my Pakistani passport represented. I visited a government website to find an explanation because nobody can lie better than a government can.

The site proudly explains the state emblem of Pakistan as ‘approved by the Central Government in 1954, symbolises Pakistan's ideological foundation, its cultural heritage, the guiding principles and the basis of its economic strength.’

What is mentioned with almost martial zeal has already been blown to smithereens, courtesy of suicide jackets and American drone-attacks. Let us now dissect the official statement further.

First, the foundation of the state has been shaken to the core by repeated undemocratic interruptions by the men in starched khaki uniforms who were corrupted by men in starched shalwar qameez suits, and both financed covertly by the men in black sent by the White Washed House of Washing Town.

In 1947, Pakistan’s foundation was fool-proof but it was never upgraded to being duffer-proof. All that concrete and steel of our structure has now turned into mud and hay, and the ground on which the state currently stands shakes every day because of American drones that mostly take off and land from special airfields rented out by our own protectors.

Second, the cultural heritage until a few years ago was intact. It was beautifully being represented each spring by the kite-flying festival of basant which is now banned by a government that does not represent the wishes of the people. Behind the ban are the murderous mullahs and bored legal men who never flew kites or played with marbles as children. The former group quotes obscure episodes from a chequered past to justify the ban on basant and attacks everything that the inhabitants of the Indo-Pak sub-continent have celebrated together since centuries without getting into one another’s way. The latter group has ruled that it ‘considers kite-flying a grave danger to necks that occasionally get slit by metal wire’.

Had this former group been more vigilant regarding the legal sanction given to military dictators, we might have fared better. The deadly metal wire they speak of, and which only some pranksters use instead of the traditional cotton thread, is the real problem. Why must the whole festival or the thousands that work in the kite-making industry suffer? Surprisingly, the rulers do not consider lack of utilities, escalating inflation, rising crime rate, drone attacks and the failing security apparatus as ‘threats’ to our necks but rather God’s Will.

The impotent PTDC (Pakistan Tourism Development Corporation) still exists but tourism is all but destroyed in peaceful places like Swat whose three million inhabitants were bombed and turned into displaced persons in their own country by its own army. Now what is left around us to take a tour of? The Presidency, Federal buildings of a heavily guarded cultural wasteland called Islamabad or the GHQ where our collective fate is re-written everyday when foreign agents decide to dip their biscuits in our hot tea? Where do we take our children for sight-seeing?

Third, where can we see those ‘guiding principles’ in action which we have been taught to worship like a golden calf? What did poet Allama Iqbal mean by his ode to Hindustan? Who, if not the Anglophiles, the mullahs and the feudal lords have truly benefitted from the creation of a separate homeland for Indian Muslims by Jinnah?

Hollow are the words that we hear ad nauseam in official speeches and as lyrics of national songs sung by out of tune pop singers. Allama Iqbal, the poet of the east who gave us some vision and pride in being Muslims, now turns in his grave situated at the foot of the Badshahi mosque of Lahore. Armed guard at his mausoleum’s door ensure that he never steps out to chastise with his walking stick the misleaders ruling Pakistan.

The same security is ensured at Jinnah’s white marble mausoleum in Karachi. The local dignitaries do not go there to offer Fatiha (Qur’anic prayer) but to mumble apologies for their misdeeds and to cry crocodile tears. And year after year they proceed on all-expenses paid pilgrimage trips to Makkah to wash away the guilt that seems to multiply like rabbits.

Fourth and last we come to the mirage of ‘economic growth’. In which jungle is this animal found, on which tree does this bird sing, from which branch does this monkey swing, where is this growth that the World Bank’s banksters and the International Monetary Fund’s gangsters promise us each time they feed us with unblessed usurious money? Economic growth is now a lame dog that barks at each car because it cannot comprehend how to capitalize on golden opportunities that whiz by.

With scarcely a Volt or a Watt of electricity available, and with a dwindling natural gas supply, on what crutches will we become Asian tigers such as Japan, Korea, or China? Have we made good use of our friendship with China by overhauling our railways or the urban transportation systems? Have we asked China to stop flooding our markets with cheap products so that we may protect our own industries of sports goods, surgical instruments, and hand-made carpets? No is an answer common to all of the above questions.

The government website goes further to claim that ‘the four ingredients of the emblem are the crescent and star crest at the top; traditional symbols of Islam’.

I beg to disagree. If you see Hollywood movies or cartoons, invariably you will see witches’ hats adorned with the crescent and star symbol. Have the witches become Muslims or have they applied for Pakistani nationality?

The star symbolizes the sun which represents the son of light, or Lucifer. The crescent represents Diana, the pagan goddess of hunting. You might say that an owl is considered foolish in the east but wise in the west and, therefore, it does not matter if our crescent and star depict anything other than good. The messenger of Allah never used such symbols; leave alone salute them or force others to do the same in public. But evil loves symbolism because it needs a disguise to fool mankind. The American dollar bill’s symbolism is a case in point.

Evil has its own favourite signs and numbers and these need to be recognised and rejected by those who can see through the smokescreen. Just because the originators of our national insignia were not well-informed must not mean that we remain glued to certain symbols until doomsday. And just because we use the lunar calendar for our religious festivals must not mean that the moon is Islam’s sacred symbol. Before Islamic states and Muslim leaders adopted it, pagans and enemies of God used it. Why must we compete with the Christian cross which represents the apparent crucifixion of Christ, something the Qur’an vehemently rejects as a mirage?

Further, we are told that ‘the shield in the centre, with four partitions, shows cotton, wheat, tea and jute. These are the main crops of Pakistan and signify the strong agriculture based economy.’

In 1971, the collective stupidity of the politicians and the excesses committed by the armed forces caused the loss of East Pakistan which became Bangladesh. Hence two arms, jute and tea that got severed, should no more be included in the state emblem since they are harsh reminders of our past.

As for cotton crops, they face the onslaught of the Amreeki sundi (American worm) which arrived here without diplomatic cover, much like murderer Raymond Davis and others of his ilk did. Tons of raw cotton is exported to countries whose cheap slave labourer force stitches shirts in third world sweatshops and then exports the expensive apparel back to us.

As for wheat, it is being smuggled out to Afghanistan to create artificial shortages most suited to smugglers, while the government procures rotten wheat from the Americans which it wants mixed with our own high quality wheat and then sold to the starving masses. Indeed the devil enters one through the stomach.

It is claimed that ‘the wreath surrounding the shield in the logo is ‘a reproduction of the floral designs used in traditional Mughal art. Its inclusion in the design reminds of the nation's cultural heritage.’

The fact is the government is not interested in reminding the masses of liberal pagan times during which our trade links extended from China to Mesopotamia. Since we were not all Muslims back then, those pages of history are gleaned over conveniently as if being proud of our ancient roots is something very shameful. We had plenty of culture before Muhammad bin Qasim or the Mongols landed here. And it was the Persians who softened the cruel family name of the raiding Mongols and re-named them Mughals.

And finally, the scroll supporting the shield carries the Urdu version of Qaed-e-Azam's famous motto: Faith, Unity, Discipline. The website claims ‘these three words articulate the guiding principles for the nation'.

Here I will remind you of Ta’leem-e-Balighan, Khawaja Mueenuddin’s classic play written in 1954 and telecast prior to 1971. Incidentally, 1971 was the year in which we lost half of Pakistan not to India or to the Bengalis but to our own military adventurism and political narrow-mindedness.

The playwright explains unity, faith and discipline while looking at three broken ghara (earthenware meant for storing water in rural areas). The satirist compared the state of affairs with shattered earthenware and declared through his dialogues how none of the original ideals could be seen any more in the ideology of Pakistan. He wrote the lines fifty-seven years ago and the analysis still holds true today.

Why has faith, as revealed in the noble Qur’an and taught by the messenger of Allah, turned so violent with the accursed arrival of American forces in Afghanistan? Count the militant groups created by our intelligence agency with the aid of foreign agencies and which have blown both the ordinary citizens and the purest of faiths into smithereens. Pakistanis have reacted sharply to the recent cold-blooded murders of Chechens in Quetta, that of journalist Saleem Shahzad and the one of a youth in Karachi. Despite blatant attacks on the Navy, the Air Force and the Army, there exist apparently sane educated people amongst us who never tire of eulogizing the loss of life our ‘security forces’ alone seem to suffer, treat the General Headquarters as holy ground, and who label critics as traitors.

What of unity? Provinces are tired of being parts of a federation for whose creation one million people lost their lives in the communal riots engineered by the British. Certain politicians have won the day in having the NWFP (North West Frontier Province) renamed as Khyber Pakhtoonkhwa and yet more are forming alliances within the country to carve out more provinces so that more ministries may be created and more bulletproof BMWs may land on our shores. Do we really need all this?

And discipline only exists in the undemocratic armed forces where disobedience invites court marshal and where today’s young officers dream of walking in the footsteps of military dictators Ayub Khan, Yahya Khan, Zia-ul-Haq and Pervez Musharraf. Who wants to think about dozens of fair wide-eyed virgins, pleasing shade, fruits, non-alcoholic drinks and rivers of water in the hereafter when the reins of power seem more desirable right here?

As for us ‘bloody civilians’, we will never reform unless we wear military uniforms, stick Pharaoh’s batons under our arms, salute everything that moves, paint trees in cantonments, point guns at our own brethren, patrol the unsafe streets and dream of residential plots in suburbs that were once productive fields. With everyone a suspect in his own country, possibly an Indian spy worthy of execution by the roadside, what will be left of the 170 million Pakistanis if they continue listening to America for a few more years? Not much, I suppose.

Here I rest my case and recommend that they re-design our state emblem and re-write the text in order to reflect reality so that the souls of the founding fathers may rest in peace until resurrection day.

©Tahir Gul Hasan 2011

Zamzama: A Letter To The Editor

2011-06-09T13:00:00.000+02:00

Sir:

I have noticed that the press tends to reinforce in the public mind the name of Lahore’s famous cannon as Kim’s Gun, which is not its real name but Zamzama is.

What needs to be recalled here for the benefit of the readers is that the said cannon was cast under the order of Shah Wali Khan, prime minister of the Abdali king, Ahmed Shah Durrani.

The last Persian line on the plaque over the cannon’s side forms a chronogram—a phrase in which each letter has a numerical value, and which when added, gives a specific date. Interestingly, the gunsmith, Shah Nazeer, cast not one but two such cannons at Lahore.

The reason the Anglophiles call the cannon Kim’s Gun has some history attached to it. The Nobel laureate of 1907, British writer Rudyard Kipling, who worked in 1882 for The Civil And Military Gazette of Lahore, wrote in his novel called Kim:

“Who hold Zam-Zammah, that ‘fire-breathing dragon’, hold the Punjab, for the great green-bronze piece is always first of the conqueror’s loot.”

It is clear from Kipling’s novel that he knew the cannon’s real name whereas our press mostly does not, and which shows that not many have read the English writer who introduced many Urdu and Hindi words into his works.

Kim, the fictional character in Kipling’s novel, is an Irish orphan boy in Lahore who is taught espionage. Interestingly, Chief Boy Scout, Lord Baden Powell, used a game called Kim’s Game (inspired by Kipling, of course) for training boy-scouts when he lived in pre-partition India. Both, Kipling and Powell, belonged to a very controversial secret society which Prime Minister Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto banned in Pakistan.

Suffice to say, Zamazama, this great relic from our historic past has details too numerous to be recounted in a letter. Therefore, the cannon need not be incorrectly associated with the title of Rudyard Kipling’s novel.

Today, Zamzama stands silently on its enormous wooden wheels over The Mall, opposite the Lahore Museum, embedded in the collective sub-consciousness of the people of the city. The least we can do is call it by its real name: Zamzama.

©Tahir Gul Hasan 2011

Pippa ‘Butt’ Middleton

2011-05-27T12:03:00.002+02:00

I see nothing but trouble up ahead for Prince William in his ‘Made in England’ marital paradise. You see, his sister-in-law has a better rear end than his bride or a Ferrari—whichever might be considered more capable of driving one insane.

British high society is on the verge of sinking to the bottom—in this case, sinking into the bottoms of Pippa Middleton, sister of Kate Middleton. What hope have the English in recovering from the current ‘economic downturn’ if the billions, who view Pippa’s assets from around the world during the recent royal wedding, become obsessed with the perfection of her hindquarters? People are not protesting endlessly; they are salivating needlessly like bulldogs.

In any case, the expensive idea behind the gala was to make Earthlings completely forget the financial spanking the Wall Street shylocks have given everyone—something that everyone forgot for the entire duration of the royal puppet show. These are interesting times we live in. It is more comfortable for a royal to be declared ‘the fittest member of the monarchy’ or the owner of ‘the nicest ass at the royal wedding’ than to brood over invasive foreign policies which create ‘Big Brother’ police states all over the world.

Such was the activity in cyberspace, no sooner did Pippa Middleton appear at Kate’s wedding, Twitter’s website crashed. Now we have a Facebook page called ‘Pippa Middleton Ass Appreciation Society’, where over 226,000 fans have already sworn true allegiance to a part of the anatomy that is ritually abused by Pakistani police to extract ‘voluntary confessions’ from criminals.

During the Victorian era, gentlemen kissed ladies’ hands to show respect and brave men received knighthoods on bended knees, but we are now living in an age in which buttocks rule—Jennifer Lopez and the likes of her be praised. I cannot wait to witness the chivalry of modern knights which the present British royalty, with perfect butts, will now churn out for the world. And what will the titles GBE and stand for, if not Knight Grand Cross of the Order of the Buttocks Empire? It pays to be reared—pun intended—as a child in the traditional British way.

Here in Pakistan, when the ‘bloody civilians’ do not discuss the doings and un-doings of the military’s General Headquarters, they speak of hindquarters but always in hushed tones. Who in his right mind would dare to speak publically against overfed and under-worked begums? And suppose they did, how colourful would the language of the media be, especially that of the Urdu one, for describing the fatty rears of an influential person’s sister-in-law?

Now imagine for a minute, what hell might break loose at a wedding if one used un-parliamentary language for the sister-in-law of a top dog—allow me to call him a politician. Before the word even got out into cyberspace, one would find one’s head and eyebrows shaved, and then taken for an ignominious ride atop a donkey through the streets of the old city, complete with jeering street urchins.

Unsubtle is the British press which first admired Pippa Middleton’s soft white silk dress and then drooped to singing praises of her ‘lively rear that squirmed mesmerizingly’ as she followed her lucky sister down Westminster Abbey’s aisle. I have reason to believe that Pippa’s rear, and not a hypnotic voice with a pendulum, was used in order to cast a mass spell on the teaming billions. All Pakistanis, still aspiring to secure British citizenship, need to openly admire Britain’s monarchy for allowing the press the freedom to admire such royal rear ends. As Pakistanis, so in love are we with the immaculately polished boots of military dictators and under-cover tyrants, not in a million years will we be able to achieve the kind of zenith of free speech that the British have.

A British celebrity fitness expert has opined, “Not calorie-burning workouts but rather family genes play an important part in having a rounded backside as perfect as Pippa’s and a curvy long-legged figure like her mum Carole’s.”

I have not had the pleasure of watching Kate’s wedding, and I only heard Pippa’s name a month ago, hence, to go on a sight-seeing tour of William’s mother-in-law is an activity that will greatly upset my own in-laws if they ever found me upstairs on one of those roofless red buses meant for tourists in London.

Regrettably, the British fitness expert who trains the royals to have perfect butts will now have a lot to answer to a branch of the Kashmiri tree that has grown tremendously in Britain, and which is unfairly associated with the most backward part of the human frame just because their recognizable four-letter label is BUTT.

Kashmiris are famous for cooking and then consuming foods so fatty, they make the very word cholesterol blush. Not only that, they love talking about food while consuming it at the table, and which gives them the kind of bodies that we have only grown up to envy but cannot possess, no matter how much some of us eat. In their jovial company, it always appears illogical to assume that exercise rather than diet is what creates better-shaped bodies.

Minor diversions aside, the same royal trainer has opined, “Gluteus maximus is a big muscle that responds quickly to exercise, many of my clients want a body like Pippa’s. Her butt-toning secrets are: tennis and swimming all strokes except the breast-stroke.”

Here I am, with my countless talents, a social commentator who receives an odd few hundred clicks each month on this blog, comparing myself not with Pippa Middelton’s entire athletic body but only with her buttocks which do better social work than I could even dream of doing and, to top it all, generate an enviable number of Facebook page clicks with their swinging public display.

Enough said, from today on, I will avoid strenuous cardio workouts or extreme diets, take the stairs and never a lift, and climb two stairs at a time to bend the knees a bit more so that my glutes wake up. And one more magnificent exercise which I have just invented: jumping into my trousers both legs at once.

©Tahir Gul Hasan 2011

Osama Bin Laden: Letter To The American People

2011-05-10T15:38:00.005+02:00

Instead of condemning or condoning Osama’s alleged actions or speculating on his alleged death on May 2, 2011, I have chosen to reprint his ‘Letter to The American People’. Please note that the man, trained and used by the CIA, was a Saudi citizen whose demands, to a large extent, still echo throughout the Muslim world.

The source of Osama’s ideas might have been Sayyid Qutb’s Egyptian Muslim Brotherhood but what is worth pondering over is that there exists a gross imbalance in the world today at every level. Colonialism and globalization have left mankind with no option but to rebel against the corporations, the bankers and the repressive regimes in Muslim lands supported by foreign intelligence agencies.

Our parents, Adam and Eve, were pardoned for their mistake of disobedience and then sent to Earth as vice reagents to manage its affairs according to Divine guidance, and not as a punishment for some unpardonable sin. Your God cannot be different from my God. It is He alone who sustains our livelihoods, provides everything wholesome and good, witnesses our deeds and hears our desperate cries. His prophets have suffered for us, His revelations continue to be ignored by the ignorant ones yet His plan remains the same for all humans. God promises forgiveness and salvation, the devil lures us with base worldly desires.

Good may not appear to be the winning horse but what counts is our effort, individual and collective, to consign evil to hell. Be courageous in the face of lies and deception, and stand up against injustice. I wish you all the best.

Osama Bin Laden: Letter To The American People

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

"Permission to fight (against disbelievers) is given to those (believers) who are fought against, because they have been wronged and surely, Allah is Able to give them (believers) victory" [Quran 22:39]

"Those who believe, fight in the Cause of Allah, and those who disbelieve, fight in the cause of Taghut (anything worshipped other than Allah e.g. Satan). So fight you against the friends of Satan; ever feeble is indeed the plot of Satan."[Quran 4:76]

Some American writers have published articles under the title 'On what basis are we fighting?' These articles have generated a number of responses, some of which adhered to the truth and were based on Islamic Law, and others which have not. Here we wanted to outline the truth - as an explanation and warning - hoping for Allah's reward, seeking success and support from Him.

While seeking Allah's help, we form our reply based on two questions directed at the Americans:

(Q1) Why are we fighting and opposing you?

(Q2) What are we calling you to, and what do we want from you?

As for the first question: Why are we fighting and opposing you? The answer is very simple:

(1) Because you attacked us and continue to attack us.

(a) You attacked us in Palestine:

(i) Palestine, which has sunk under military occupation for more than 80 years. The British handed over Palestine, with your help and your support, to the Jews, who have occupied it for more than 50 years; years overflowing with oppression, tyranny, crimes, killing, expulsion, destruction and devastation. The creation and continuation of Israel is one of the greatest crimes, and you are the leaders of its criminals. And of course there is no need to explain and prove the degree of American support for Israel. The creation of Israel is a crime which must be erased. Each and every person whose hands have become polluted in the contribution towards this crime must pay its price, and pay for it heavily.

(ii) It brings us both laughter and tears to see that you have not yet tired of repeating your fabricated lies that the Jews have a historical right to Palestine, as it was promised to them in the Torah. Anyone who disputes with them on this alleged fact is accused of anti-Semitism. This is one of the most fallacious, widely-circulated fabrications in history. The people of Palestine are pure Arabs and original Semites. It is the Muslims who are the inheritors of Moses (peace be upon him) and the inheritors of the real Torah that has not been changed. Muslims believe in all of the Prophets, including Abraham, Moses, Jesus and Muhammad, peace and blessings of Allah be upon them all. If the followers of Moses have been promised a right to Palestine in the Torah, then the Muslims are the most worthy nation of this.

When the Muslims conquered Palestine and drove out the Romans, Palestine and Jerusalem returned to Islam, the religion of all the Prophets peace be upon them. Therefore, the call to a historical right to Palestine cannot be raised against the Islamic Ummah that believes in all the Prophets of Allah (peace and blessings be upon them) - and we make no distinction between them.

(iii) The blood pouring out of Palestine must be equally revenged. You must know that the Palestinians do not cry alone; their women are not widowed alone; their sons are not orphaned alone.

(b) You attacked us in Somalia; you supported the Russian atrocities against us in Chechnya, the Indian oppression against us in Kashmir, and the Jewish aggression against us in Lebanon.

(c) Under your supervision, consent and orders, the governments of our countries which act as your agents, attack us on a daily basis;

(i) These governments prevent our people from establishing the Islamic Shariah, using violence and lies to do so.

(ii) These governments give us a taste of humiliation, and place us in a large prison of fear and subdual.

(iii) These governments steal our Ummah's wealth and sell them to you at a paltry price.

(iv) These governments have surrendered to the Jews, and handed them most of Palestine, acknowledging the existence of their state over the dismembered limbs of their own people.

(v) The removal of these governments is an obligation upon us, and a necessary step to free the Ummah, to make the Shariah the supreme law and to regain Palestine. And our fight against these governments is not separate from out fight against you.

(d) You steal our wealth and oil at paltry prices because of you international influence and military threats. This theft is indeed the biggest theft ever witnessed by mankind in the history of the world.

(e) Your forces occupy our countries; you spread your military bases throughout them; you corrupt our lands, and you besiege our sanctities, to protect the security of the Jews and to ensure the continuity of your pillage of our treasures.

(f) You have starved the Muslims of Iraq, where children die every day. It is a wonder that more than 1.5 million Iraqi children have died as a result of your sanctions, and you did not show concern. Yet when 3000 of your people died, the entire world rises and has not yet sat down.

(g) You have supported the Jews in their idea that Jerusalem is their eternal capital, and agreed to move your embassy there. With your help and under your protection, the Israelis are planning to destroy the Al-Aqsa mosque. Under the protection of your weapons, Sharon entered the Al-Aqsa mosque, to pollute it as a preparation to capture and destroy it.

(2) These tragedies and calamities are only a few examples of your oppression and aggression against us. It is commanded by our religion and intellect that the oppressed have a right to return the aggression. Do not await anything from us but Jihad, resistance and revenge. Is it in any way rational to expect that after America has attacked us for more than half a century, that we will then leave her to live in security and peace?!!

(3) You may then dispute that all the above does not justify aggression against civilians, for crimes they did not commit and offenses in which they did not partake:

(a) This argument contradicts your continuous repetition that America is the land of freedom, and its leaders in this world. Therefore, the American people are the ones who choose their government by way of their own free will; a choice which stems from their agreement to its policies. Thus the American people have chosen, consented to, and affirmed their support for the Israeli oppression of the Palestinians, the occupation and usurpation of their land, and its continuous killing, torture, punishment and expulsion of the Palestinians. The American people have the ability and choice to refuse the policies of their Government and even to change it if they want.

(b) The American people are the ones who pay the taxes which fund the planes that bomb us in Afghanistan, the tanks that strike and destroy our homes in Palestine, the armies which occupy our lands in the Arabian Gulf, and the fleets which ensure the blockade of Iraq. These tax dollars are given to Israel for it to continue to attack us and penetrate our lands. So the American people are the ones who fund the attacks against us, and they are the ones who oversee the expenditure of these monies in the way they wish, through their elected candidates.

(c) Also the American army is part of the American people. It is this very same people who are shamelessly helping the Jews fight against us.

(d) The American people are the ones who employ both their men and their women in the American Forces which attack us.

(e) This is why the American people cannot be innocent of all the crimes committed by the Americans and Jews against us.

(f) Allah, the Almighty, legislated the permission and the option to take revenge. Thus, if we are attacked, then we have the right to attack back. Whoever has destroyed our villages and towns, then we too have the right to destroy their villages and towns. Whoever has stolen our wealth, then we have the right to destroy their economy. And whoever has killed our civilians, then we have the right to kill theirs.

The American Government and press still refuse to answer the question:

Why did they attack us in New York and Washington?

If Sharon is a man of peace in the eyes of Bush, then we are also men of peace!!! America does not understand the language of manners and principles, so we are addressing it using the language it understands.

(Q2) As for the second question that we want to answer: What are we calling you to, and what do we want from you?

(1) The first thing that we are calling you to is Islam.

(a) The religion of the Unification of God; of freedom from associating partners with Him, and rejection of this; of complete love of Him, the Exalted; of complete submission to His Laws; and of the discarding of all the opinions, orders, theories and religions which contradict with the religion He sent down to His Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). Islam is the religion of all the prophets, and makes no distinction between them - peace be upon them all.

It is to this religion that we call you; the seal of all the previous religions. It is the religion of Unification of God, sincerity, the best of manners, righteousness, mercy, honour, purity, and piety. It is the religion of showing kindness to others, establishing justice between them, granting them their rights, and defending the oppressed and the persecuted. It is the religion of enjoining the good and forbidding the evil with the hand, tongue and heart. It is the religion of Jihad in the way of Allah so that Allah's Word and religion reign Supreme. And it is the religion of unity and agreement on the obedience to Allah, and total equality between all people, without regarding their colour, sex, or language.

(b) It is the religion whose book - the Quran - will remain preserved and unchanged, after the other Divine books and messages have been changed. The Quran is the miracle until the Day of Judgment. Allah has challenged anyone to bring a book like the Quran or even ten verses like it.

(2) The second thing we call you to, is to stop your oppression, lies, immorality and debauchery that has spread among you.

(a) We call you to be a people of manners, principles, honour, and purity; to reject the immoral acts of fornication, homosexuality, intoxicants, gambling's, and trading with interest.

We call you to all of this that you may be freed from that which you have become caught up in; that you may be freed from the deceptive lies that you are a great nation, that your leaders spread amongst you to conceal from you the despicable state to which you have reached.

(b) It is saddening to tell you that you are the worst civilization witnessed by the history of mankind:

(i) You are the nation who, rather than ruling by the Shariah of Allah in its Constitution and Laws, choose to invent your own laws as you will and desire. You separate religion from your policies, contradicting the pure nature which affirms Absolute Authority to the Lord and your Creator. You flee from the embarrassing question posed to you: How is it possible for Allah the Almighty to create His creation, grant them power over all the creatures and land, grant them all the amenities of life, and then deny them that which they are most in need of: knowledge of the laws which govern their lives?

(ii) You are the nation that permits Usury, which has been forbidden by all the religions. Yet you build your economy and investments on Usury. As a result of this, in all its different forms and guises, the Jews have taken control of your economy, through which they have then taken control of your media, and now control all aspects of your life making you their servants and achieving their aims at your expense; precisely what Benjamin Franklin warned you against.

(iii) You are a nation that permits the production, trading and usage of intoxicants. You also permit drugs, and only forbid the trade of them, even though your nation is the largest consumer of them.

(iv) You are a nation that permits acts of immorality, and you consider them to be pillars of personal freedom. You have continued to sink down this abyss from level to level until incest has spread amongst you, in the face of which neither your sense of honour nor your laws object.

Who can forget your President Clinton's immoral acts committed in the official Oval office? After that you did not even bring him to account, other than that he 'made a mistake', after which everything passed with no punishment. Is there a worse kind of event for which your name will go down in history and remembered by nations?

(v) You are a nation that permits gambling in its all forms. The companies practice this as well, resulting in the investments becoming active and the criminals becoming rich.

(vi) You are a nation that exploits women like consumer products or advertising tools calling upon customers to purchase them. You use women to serve passengers, visitors, and strangers to increase your profit margins. You then rant that you support the liberation of women.

(vii) You are a nation that practices the trade of sex in all its forms, directly and indirectly. Giant corporations and establishments are established on this, under the name of art, entertainment, tourism and freedom, and other deceptive names you attribute to it.

(viii) And because of all this, you have been described in history as a nation that spreads diseases that were unknown to man in the past. Go ahead and boast to the nations of man, that you brought them AIDS as a Satanic American Invention.

(xi) You have destroyed nature with your industrial waste and gases more than any other nation in history. Despite this, you refuse to sign the Kyoto agreement so that you can secure the profit of your greedy companies and*industries.

(x) Your law is the law of the rich and wealthy people, who hold sway in their political parties, and fund their election campaigns with their gifts. Behind them stand the Jews, who control your policies, media and economy.

(xi) That which you are singled out for in the history of mankind, is that you have used your force to destroy mankind more than any other nation in history; not to defend principles and values, but to hasten to secure your interests and profits. You, who dropped a nuclear bomb on Japan, even though Japan was ready to negotiate an end to the war. How many acts of oppression, tyranny and injustice have you carried out, O callers to freedom?

(xii) Let us not forget one of your major characteristics: your duality in both manners and values; your hypocrisy in manners and principles. All manners, principles and values have two scales: one for you and one for the others.

(a) The freedom and democracy that you call to is for yourselves and for white race only; as for the rest of the world, you impose upon them your monstrous, destructive policies and Governments, which you call the 'American friends'. Yet you prevent them from establishing democracies. When the Islamic party in Algeria wanted to practice democracy and they won the election, you unleashed your agents in the Algerian army onto them, and to attack them with tanks and guns, to imprison them and torture them - a new lesson from the 'American book of democracy'!

(b) Your policy on prohibiting and forcibly removing weapons of mass destruction to ensure world peace: it only applies to those countries which you do not permit to possess such weapons. As for the countries you consent to, such as Israel, then they are allowed to keep and use such weapons to defend their security. Anyone else who you suspect might be manufacturing or keeping these kinds of weapons, you call them criminals and you take military action against them.

(c) You are the last ones to respect the resolutions and policies of International Law, yet you claim to want to selectively punish anyone else who does the same. Israel has for more than 50 years been pushing UN resolutions and rules against the wall with the full support of America.

(d) As for the war criminals which you censure and form criminal courts for - you shamelessly ask that your own are granted immunity! However, history will not forget the war crimes that you committed against the Muslims and the rest of the world; those you have killed in Japan, Afghanistan, Somalia, Lebanon and Iraq will remain a shame that you will never be able to escape. It will suffice to remind you of your latest war crimes in Afghanistan, in which densely populated innocent civilian villages were destroyed; bombs were dropped on mosques causing the roof of the mosque to come crashing down on the heads of the Muslims praying inside. You are the ones who broke the agreement with the Mujahideen when they left Qunduz, bombing them in Jangi fort, and killing more than 1,000 of your prisoners through suffocation and thirst. Allah alone knows how many people have died by torture at the hands of you and your agents. Your planes remain in the Afghan skies, looking for anyone remotely suspicious.

(e) You have claimed to be the vanguards of Human Rights, and your Ministry of Foreign affairs issues annual reports containing statistics of those countries that violate any Human Rights. However, all these things vanished when the Mujahideen hit you, and you then implemented the methods of the same documented governments that you used to curse. In America, you captured thousands the Muslims and Arabs, took them into custody with neither reason or court trial, nor even disclosing their names. You issued newer, harsher laws.

What happens in Guantanamo is a historical embarrassment to America and its values, and it screams into your faces - you hypocrites, "What is the value of your signature on any agreement or treaty?"

(3) What we call you to thirdly is to take an honest stance with yourselves - and I doubt you will do so - to discover that you are a nation without principles or manners, and that the values and principles to you are something which you merely demand from others, not that which you yourself must adhere to.

(4) We also advise you to stop supporting Israel, and to end your support of the Indians in Kashmir, the Russians against the Chechens and to also cease supporting the Manila Government against the Muslims in Southern Philippines.

(5) We also advise you to pack your luggage and get out of our lands. We desire for your goodness, guidance, and righteousness, so do not force us to send you back as cargo in coffins.

(6) Sixthly, we call upon you to end your support of the corrupt leaders in our countries. Do not interfere in our politics and method of education. Leave us alone, or else expect us in New York and Washington.

(7) We also call you to deal with us and interact with us on the basis of mutual interests and benefits, rather than the policies of sub dual, theft and occupation, and not to continue your policy of supporting the Jews because this will result in more disasters for you.

If you fail to respond to all these conditions, then prepare for fight with the Islamic Nation. The Nation of Monotheism that puts complete trust on Allah and fears none other than Him. The Nation which is addressed by its Quran with the words: "Do you fear them? Allah has more right that you should fear Him if you are believers. Fight against them so that Allah will punish them by your hands and disgrace them and give you victory over them and heal the breasts of believing people. And remove the anger of their (believers') hearts. Allah accepts the repentance of whom He wills. Allah is All-Knowing, All-Wise." [Quran9:13-1]

The Nation of honour and respect:

"But honour, power and glory belong to Allah, and to His Messenger (Muhammad- peace be upon him) and to the believers." [Quran 63:8]

"So do not become weak (against your enemy), nor be sad, and you will be*superior (in victory) if you are indeed (true) believers" [Quran 3:139]

The Nation of Martyrdom; the Nation that desires death more than you desire life:

"Think not of those who are killed in the way of Allah as dead. Nay, they are alive with their Lord, and they are being provided for. They rejoice in what Allah has bestowed upon them from His bounty and rejoice for the sake of those who have not yet joined them, but are left behind (not yet martyred) that on them no fear shall come, nor shall they grieve. They rejoice in a grace and a bounty from Allah and that Allah will not waste the reward of the believers." [Quran 3:169-171]

The Nation of victory and success that Allah has promised:

"It is He Who has sent His Messenger (Muhammad peace be upon him) with guidance and the religion of truth (Islam), to make it victorious over all other religions even though the Polytheists hate it." [Quran 61:9]

"Allah has decreed that 'Verily it is I and My Messengers who shall be victorious.' Verily Allah is All-Powerful, All-Mighty." [Quran 58:21]

The Islamic Nation that was able to dismiss and destroy the previous evil Empires like yourself; the Nation that rejects your attacks, wishes to remove your evils, and is prepared to fight you. You are well aware that the Islamic Nation, from the very core of its soul, despises your haughtiness and arrogance.

If the Americans refuse to listen to our advice and the goodness, guidance and righteousness that we call them to, then be aware that you will lose this Crusade Bush began, just like the other previous Crusades in which you were humiliated by the hands of the Mujahideen, fleeing to your home in great silence and disgrace. If the Americans do not respond, then their fate will be that of the Soviets who fled from Afghanistan to deal with their military defeat, political breakup, ideological downfall, and economic bankruptcy.

This is our message to the Americans, as an answer to theirs. Do they now know why we fight them and over which form of ignorance, by the permission of Allah, we shall be victorious?

***

The full text of Osama bin Laden's "Letter to the American people", reported in today's Observer. The letter first appeared on the internet in Arabic and has since been translated and circulated in Britain.
observer.co.uk Sunday 24 November 2002 12.07 GMT

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2002/nov/24/theobserver

My other blogs dealing with similar topics:
http://writersblocktgh.blogspot.com/2010/02/al-qaeda-what-is-it-where-is-it.html
http://writersblocktgh.blogspot.com/2010/02/al-qaeda-what-is-it-where-is-it-part-ii.html
http://writersblocktgh.blogspot.com/2010/01/warning-to-pakistani-parents.html

Let There Be Light: A Letter To The Editor

2011-05-01T15:31:00.008+02:00

Sir:

For the past many months, we, the citizens, have been enduring a six-hour electricity shutdown schedule whose current daily timings are 0100-0200, 0500-0600, 0800-0900, 1300-1400, 1900-2000, 2100-2200.

As if this was not enough to drive our generators and UPSs crazy, the authorities have resorted to un-announced shutdowns at all odd hours on a daily basis. The flow of electrons is disrupted right when one is either watching worrying news on the television or attempting to write a letter to a newspaper editor. That I may be able to finish this letter and mail it in time to you may indeed be considered a miracle.

I called up the local grid station today and found out that such un-announced shutdowns are intimated to the PDC (power despatch centre) by the powers-that-be at Islamabad.

What I wish to point out is that modern television sets and delicate computers were never designed to withstand such disruptive electrical insults. The only persons getting rich these days are the UPS and generator sellers and electronics technicians. Who—if not the power generation and distribution authorities—are responsible for the damage caused to our appliances?

We are experiencing state-sanctioned terrorism of an electrifying nature. Will they ever cut the parliament down to a useful size, stop taking useless official foreign trips, and focus instead on going forth to multiply the watts and the volts?

Please join me in praying—even if you are mildly inclined towards religion—that we produce some electricity before God smites us permanently unconscious with a free thunderbolt from heaven.

Tahir Gul Hasan, October 2008

***

Postscript:

Please note that this letter was NOT published by any national newspaper. Why? Ask them, not me!

People always misunderstand what one writes, they jump to conclusions, and almost never reflect deeply. THIS is what writers must always face or else they would not be who they are. --tgh

As I write this in 2011, the electricity situation has not improved but has rather worsened, which means we surely are going nowhere fast.

Single Square Character

2011-04-22T19:41:00.008+02:00

The wicked trick the manufacturers and governments now play on our minds is: if you subscribe to GPS tracking you can find out where your children are, where your stolen cars are, and—in case you are struck with amnesia—find out where you have been in the past few months.

The lure makes us suspect waywardness in our children, casts aspersions on the spouse’s fidelity and on the imagined thievery and knavery of society. But we need to ignore the suggestions of businessmen with trans-national interests and instead pay deeper attention to what parents always say and how older siblings warn us.

Students need to worry about their grade, jobs and, most of all, the debt they are incurring through the bloated over-priced elitist education system. Today’s young executives think that just by owning iPhones they will magically have job offers come to them or be able to Google-search for their soul-mates in cyberspace. For the health conscious, this obsession with apples—I mean, the Apple iPhone—will not keep the proverbial doctor away but rather invite sick patients from cyberspace, commonly known as hackers.

Recently, I got into a discussion with a young lady in a public transport when she enquired if I were using the latest Nokia set. Who in his right mind would not treat such probing with disdain?

“It’s just a phone! But why do you ask?”

“The first things I notice are: the phone, the shoes men wear, their clothing”.

“That is too much observation for a single evening but it’s nice to know that you remain faithful to your true nature. What brand is your landline phone at home?”

“Alcatel”

“May I know the model number?”

“I don’t know, umm——”

“—because you’re not supposed to know! How does knowing the model of my mobile phone make my life better? It’s just a phone that gets my voice from here to there. And besides, if I lacked good conversational skills or a gentleman’s manners, how would this or that phone truly help me?”

The conversation ended abruptly when the train arrived at my stop sooner than I expected and the lady escaped the humiliation of answering my questions. There was no hat on my head that I could tip so I just waved my Nokia whatever at her.

London is being the most ‘watched’ city on the planet. On an average day, one is seen at least three hundred times by secret cameras which now use face recognition software and predict if someone’s nervousness is natural or a precursor to some imagined horrific incident.

Modern means of communication are a treasure trove for the intelligence agencies and government officials who wish to track the citizens like Big Brother does in the novel called ‘1984’. It is now possible to ‘get’ anybody the government does not like or agree with, under the broken umbrella of ‘possible links with terrorists’.

In the name of convenience and the magic of technology, slowly the massive hard drives of these wonder toys we cannot live without have taken over our brains. One’s personal information, banking details, passwords, messages, emails, browsing history, pictures, videos, to-do lists, appointment schedules, everything lives inside these little monsters. Add to this the ridiculous carrot now being dangled in front of the forgetful ‘sheeple’: GPS that reveals where one has been. Nobody is safe from governmental snooping anymore.

I propose this scheme ought to work in reverse for the benefit of mankind. To begin with, the hard-working citizens would like to know who our tax-imposing leaders meet with, from which rat-holes they emerge from and where they suddenly vanish, what routes they follow while travelling, and what do they discuss behind closed doors while selling us to the IMF, the World Bank, or to the USA. This is of vital importance because these men in sharp suits continue to destroy our national interests—not to mention what is left of our ability to earn livelihoods as approved by God.

If incomplete means NOT complete, independence should mean we are still dependant. Our misrepresentatives remain protected by the police, the armed forces, and by the agencies whose job it is to protect the citizens from domestic and foreign devils.

The bad folks can now take complete control of an iPhone by merely text-messaging inconspicuous SMS bursts that will hijack it to control all the functions. The hacker can then send more text messages to hijack even more iPhones. What is the way out? If you receive a text message containing a single square character, immediately turn off your iPhone because the time has come when someone will take over every iPhone on the planet. New iPhone 3GS’ data encryption can be cracked within a few minutes using freeware, hence, avoid using the iPhone for business purposes.

Oddly enough, some jester in our government suggested a few months ago that ‘ordinary folks must not possess mobile phones and only the parliamentarians should be allowed the privilege to carry them’. As of this writing, our brainy Interior Minister has ruined the lives of mobile phone service providers by asking them to ensure compliance with a million of his impractical directives. This just might be the continuation of the hare-brained proposal we spoke of earlier.

So let the parliamentarians have these phones, and the citizens the trackers which should record their locations and display them on giant TV screens placed in shopping malls. So thoroughly entertaining will their idiocy be that there will be no need to watch one hundred cable channels at home.

Citizens must have full access to unencrypted files (labeled ‘consolidated.db.) inside the iPhones of these efficient gentlemen and which store huge lists of geographical locations with time-stamps. Instead of wasting resources on tracking 6 billion Earthlings, it is more practical to track lying politicians whose global population may not number more than 250,000 in this ‘always-connected’ world of over 100 million iPhones and 15 million iPads. If these bold proposals are turned into law of the land, my Orwellian dreams will at last come true.

Critics point out that Apple is possibly ‘violating the Wireless Communications and Public Safety Act, which allows telecom carriers to provide call information only in emergency situations. By asking for permission to collect location data, Apple may be trying to get around its legal obligations, by asking people to give up privacy rights they don’t even know they have.’

A great advantage of citizens tracking the politicians will be that the law will be seen chasing after genuine scoundrels instead of providing them full protocol and finally producing in court the electronic records of their official iPhones. This will keep the lawyers, the judges and the jailers happy for the next five billion years or until the sun dies as a star, whichever comes later.

Fantasy aside, what is the way out of this digital hell, this gadget lust created by the privileged few and passed on to the rest of us? Don’t buy these expensive spying devices, and don’t carry them everywhere.

I have reason to suspect that a near and dear one will buy me an iPhone as a present on my next birthday. I am confident this person will not mind if I tied the device to our footloose dog’s hindquarters in order to trip up the tracking system.

Actual 'spy' map of an iPhone user in California, courtesy of WIRED magazine.

To read our beloved Interior Minister’s bright ideas, visit: http://telecomnewspk.com/2011/04/breaking-rehman-malik-called-meeting-of-heads-of-cellular-companies/

A Faceless Friend

2011-04-11T10:54:00.005+02:00

It is spring time. I see the birds and the bees doing their song and dance routines, and I think it is time for me as well to hammer out a few songs.

Hurry, the quills, my lute!

I have been writing since a long time now and it does not bother me if my words, set to hummable melodies, do not climb the global music charts.

Do we fall in love so that others may grade our emotions? Love is not a classroom with a strict teacher or a carved-in-stone principle; it has a roof that reaches up to the heavens, with its own secret book written daily using the blood of longing because its roll-call register has more absents than presents. Love cannot be caged or bottled up but, mercifully, it can be expressed.

The reader is advised not to concern herself with speculating about who the supreme rejecter might be in this song. She could be anybody or nobody, or somebody-turned-nobody.

I am unable, as of this writing, to post a video of the song that might showcase the rhythm or the melody to which the lyrics are set. One need not imagine that this is a rock anthem set to a fast beat with distorted guitars. Far from it! It is a sensitive mid-tempo pop song that might be labelled ‘adult contemporary, MOR (middle of the road)’.

The interesting thing about the composition is that the guitar is not played in standard (EADGBE) tuning but utilizes the D-modal (or Celtic) alternate tuning that produces far more interesting tonal textures, poly-chords and bass lines. It helps me play the guitar finger-style instead of using a plectrum.

There is only one verse in the song, and then the chorus, followed by a bridge that re-connects with the chorus. And it all fades out like most good things in life usually do.

By all means, imagine the song like a video in your mind and send me a copy when you are done. Of course, until our last breaths, we are never done.

A Faceless Friend

VERSE:

You can’t buy what they don’t sell

Or don a feeling on your empty shell

Rules for fools break my spirit down

As you happily sound a death knell

For you my lonely struggle
Is a laughing matter, pure trouble
En route to your moral high ground
A thorn in the side, an obstacle

CHORUS:

A faceless friend I am

From the great beyond

I get no love from you

Only sophisticated taunts

A faceless friend I am
With endless wants
Turn your face around, create
Your perfect right from two wrongs

BRIDGE:

You want no waves of rascality

Only graveyard calm, tranquillity

With civic sense you slice me down

Into a one-sided plurality

Your cup, my storm, and dire warnings
I miss the good of your good mornings
My simple gift was no poison pill
But the drug of love so habit-forming

Yashica Electro 35: Making Your Own Battery

2011-03-28T16:43:00.001+02:00

These are digital times, roll film is getting harder to find. You must be wondering why I have chosen to resurrect a 35mm film camera from the 1970s. Well, I have news for you: film is not dead and even vacuum tubes (valves) are still being manufactured. You see, digital is merely convenient, though not necessarily cheap, and has almost become as good as her analogue father—well, almost.

While at a camera shop in Paris, I checked a $1,200 Nikon digital SLR (single lens reflex) camera that I intended to buy and was horrified to feel the flimsy built quality in my hands. China’s cheap products have ruined things for humanity which took eons to learn how to make fine but sturdy things.

Now compare the all metal-and-glass wonder, the Yashica Electro 35, with today’s plastic digital cameras and you will know what I mean. When Nikon introduced the model EM camera its size was intentionally kept small to suit women’s hands. But our matchbox-sized digital wonders are neither for men nor for women, but for adolescents who drop them, break them and then pester their parents for replacements. Surely, most of us have embraced the global throw-away culture, without reminding ourselves that these megapixel gadgets are not designed to be repaired.

Hold the Yashica Electro 35 in your hands and you will appreciate how well-made it feels even today. After all, it features Japanese parts that were merely assembled in Hong Kong in order to keep the camera very affordable. The Electro appeared in various finishes and model variations and was dubbed “a poor man’s Leica” (the German rangefinder camera that brought the 35mm revolution).

I will not delve into how much I love the Yashica Electro 35 camera; volumes have already been written. Its fourth generation GSN and GTN models appeared around 1973 and sold by the millions; little did I know that I would end up buying a few of these years later.

Right out of the box, the Electro 35 is capable of shooting quality images rivalling fifteen megapixel results. You see, real men while shooting with roll film, never worried about LCDs with multiple menus or megapixels. Now, to get great results with the Electro 35 one need only set the aperture while the camera automatically sets the shutter speed. There is no autofocus facility but this rangefinder is capable of very precise and quick manual focussing aid (split-image parallax method) even in poorly lit situations.

This Yashica comes from a time when one needed to know what one was doing as a photographer. Automatic point-and-shoot cameras have made humanity quite brain-dead. The only feature missing from the present day cameras is a mode that decides for the photographer when a picture ought to be taken, all without human intervention. I mean, must we even torture our brain cells deciding when and what to shoot when the computer can think for us?

Mine is a genuine tirade against modern digital toys which are battery-hogging matchbox-sized plastic things that have made the battery manufacturers very rich. The Electro 35 originally used Mercury TR 164 (HM-4N) 5.6 Volt type of a battery. Because mercury was declared a hazardous substance, the manufacturers stopped their production. But now I will show you how to achieve analogue nirvana by improvising to save your father’s Yashica from extinction. We will proceed to fabricate a 6 volt battery which will not hurt the camera’s 5.6 volt circuitry:

Open the camera’s battery compartment using a coin’s edge that fits the slot nicely. Turn anti-clockwise and inspect the compartment. Clean it, especially if the used battery has left leaked residues behind. The compartment’s lid must also be free of unwanted substances. Use demineralised alcohol on a cotton swab for cleaning.
Peep into your household sewing kit and dig out a paper or plastic spindle. This kind of tubular base is ideal for our DIY project.
Cut the tube to the length that the camera’s battery chamber will take.
The internal diameter of the spindle must be able to house, but not too tightly, four LR44 1.5 Volt batteries. Now pile these four little babies—negative side down—one on top of the other in the tube to get 6 Volts of power.
Over the last battery, drop a metal tube to act as a spacer.
Place over this spacer, a round metal plate to enable the battery compartment’s lid to make electrical contact with.
Close the compartment’s lid.
Press the Battery Check button and watch the lovely green light illuminate the counter.

And you’re done! The total cost of this project is less than Rs. 86 ($1).

You could still buy a mint condition Yashica Electro 35 for as little as $30. I encourage you to activate your brain, load up a roll of 35mm film, and start shooting now.

If you have any more questions, please feel free to contact me.

Alphabet For Politically-Incorrect Children

2011-03-10T17:47:00.004+01:00

Dear grownups, sit back and let the children enjoy the new alphabet which took us so many decades of American intervention to develop!

A: army, aid, American (interests, ambassador), Ayub (Khan, the military DICK-tator)

B: boot, bomb, barbed-(wire), beheading, budget

C: collateral (damage), C-in-C, CIA, court, chief(-justice), cartoons (of Prophet Muhammad)

D: drone, Defence (Housing Authority), debt, Dollar, DICK-tator

E: emergency, explosive, economic (sanctions)

F: FBI, fauj, flag-burning, flood, fundamentalist, flour (shortage)

G: Guantenamo (Bay), global (war of error or G-WOE), general, Green-(Card)

H: headquarter, hand grenade, halwa, hides (of sacrificial animals)

I: intelligence, ISI, Islamist, insurgent, IED (improvised explosive device), IMF, inflation

J: jacket (for suicide bombers), journalist, judge, Jew,

K: Kargil, KHAD, KGB

L: load-shedding, letter-bomb, lawyer, lota

M: medal, militant, miswaak, Muslim League (A,N and F), MOSSAD

N: nuclear, no-fly (zone), 9/11

O: Osama (bin Laden), operation

P: Plotocracy (diplomacy through plot allotments to cronies), Pentagon (pants-are-gone)

Q: (al)-Qaeda, Qur'an

R: RAW, rocket-launcher, regime-(change)

S: suicide-(jacket), Siachin, sugar (shortage), stoning (to death), Shariah law, security situation

T: Taliban, torture, terrorist, tax

U: USA, U.N.O, ultra-orthodox, underworld

V: visa (American), veto, veteran (of American crimes against humanity)

W: Washington, Waziristan, WMD, World (Bank), water-boarding

X: X-Ray (camp at Guantanamo Bay)

Y: Yankee

Z: Zionism, Zia-ul-Haq (the military DICK-tator)

Connect With Me

2011-02-16T14:07:00.008+01:00

Greetings dear readers!

I have many friends with whom I communicate through different means. Some remain on FaceBook and refuse to leave that ‘convenient’ environment. A few enjoy email messages and the rest are waiting for a sign from up above to make them move in my direction.

It is for the esteemed members of this last group that I am outlining the simple procedure for having their names and photographs included in the FOLLOWERS sidebar on my blog.

Welcome to Google Friend Connect

Procedure:

Go to http://writersblocktgh.blogspot.com/
I would appreciate it if you add my blog’s URL to your browser’s FAVORITES folder so that you don’t have to type the lengthy address each time you visit me
Scroll down while watching the left hand side sidebar
Click on FOLLOW (under SIGN UP TO BECOME A FRIEND)
A dialogue box appears which tells you that you may use various accounts to become a member (Google, Twitter, Yahoo, AIM, NetLog, or Open ID)
Sign in with your ID and Password
Fill in your Name, and upload your Picture
Click ‘FOLLOW PUBLICLY’
Click ‘FOLLOW THIS BLOG’
A message appears: ‘Congratulations. You are now following WritersBlockTGH’
Click DONE
Check the blog to see if your NAME and PHOTO is visible in ‘Friends’ sidebar on the left hand side of the blog
To edit further, press OPTIONS, go to SITE SETTINGS (to change data, picture etc.)

Presto! You’re done!

Testing Alan Parsons

2011-02-02T18:47:00.003+01:00

Those were such happy days and 9/11 was less than a decade away into the future. Digital audio had arrived firmly on the scene and good old analogue was fighting back with a little help from vacuum tubes. Torn between ones and zeros, I found it immensely rewarding in every sense of the word to regularly attend professional audio trade shows in England and Germany.

Back then, from a humble 4-track setup, I had upgraded to an analogue 8-track recorder that used ½” wide magnetic tape which moved at fifteen inches per second across the assembly of multiple heads and pinch rollers. Not many of today’s bottle-fed digital boys would know what it means watching 10½” wide reels spin. The same machine helped me record many jingles, voice-overs, at least two complete pop albums, and many pop singles, including Pyar Ki Piyas.

Back to the shows now; the one in Germany, called Musikmesse, would be held in April of each year at Frankfurt http://musik.messefrankfurt.com/frankfurt/en/aussteller/willkommen.html and extend over scores of stadium-sized exhibition halls. I only attended it once when invited by Studiomaster of UK. It was impossible to even walk casually through all the halls in three days, leave alone stop at each stall to see what was on display. The highlight of Musikmesse was the fantastic booth of Marshall guitar amplifiers. There a tall man, with curly hair covering his entire face, lead guitarist of Guns n’ Roses, stood dishing out autographs to the fans. Of course, Slash signed for me.

For all the APRS (Association of Professional Recording Services) shows I attended, the venue was always the Olympia Exhibition Centre in West Kensington, London. The English professional audio trade shows were always delightfully homely compared with other bigger shows held all over the globe. Apart from the relaxed yet professional atmosphere there, the great advantage was that everyone spoke English—even the Americans.

Making friends in the audio industry was as important as getting to know the manufacturers directly. I attended three APRS shows where the presence of rock stars and engineers like Alan Parsons, and knighted producers such as Sir George Martin (Beatles fame), always made the fairs worth attending.

Where professionals from the recording industry came from across the globe, it was important for me to have a neat business card. I would gladly hand out cards at the stalls of my choice and with great pride identify my studio, Sound On Sound, from Pakistan.

Sometime in the mid 80s, I designed the studio’s logo, keeping in mind the desirable elements of sine waves, two open reels with tape, spherical shock waves, and solid green letters placed against a black background inside a rectangular enclosure with round edges.

Soundcraft, Lexicon, Tube Tech, AKG, Neumann, Drawmer and so many other manufacturers quite unknown to the average consumer, would set up stalls at the show to highlight their latest offerings to the recording professionals. For instance, Japanese TEAC was a consumer brand, while the same company had a division called TASCAM that catered to audio professionals.

Similarly, Switzerland’s REVOX went by the name of STUDER for professionals. All through the three days there would be seminars, interesting demonstrations of new technology, innovative products using valves (things that glow in the dark and produce desirable warm sound), free drinks and snacks, all the product catalogues one could carry to the studio, and souvenirs to take home.

Particularly worth mentioning here is loudspeaker manufacturer JBL. When I complained to their European representative that one of the titanium tweeters of my studio (monitor) speakers had begun to distort within only a few years of use, he asked for my business card and said, “I’ll see what I can do”.

A few weeks later in Pakistan, I received a parcel. Inside it was a replacement tweeter for which I was not charged a single penny.

Of course, APRS shows were not meant for selling directly but rather for highlighting products and services. It was during one such wandering from booth to booth that I ran into a small kiosk being managed by a very tall man. A poster in the background identified him as Alan Parsons of the famous Alan Parsons Project.

Many may not have heard of this great British progressive soft rock band, active between 1975 and 1990 and popularly called APP. It had a cult following, produced global hits, and used ace studio musicians who worked under Alan’s recording and production umbrella. The band also released their 1976 debut album Tales Of Mystery And Imagination directly inspired by American writer, Edgar Alan Poe.

Hit albums followed, namely: I Robot (1977), Pyramid (1978), The Turn of a Friendly Card (1980), Eye in the Sky (1982), Ammonia Avenue (1984), Vulture Culture (1985), Stereotomy (1986) and Gaudi (1987). Alan is the same giant who, at EMI Abbey Road studios of London, engineered an album called The Dark Side Of The Moon by a group called Pink Floyd. In case you do not know Pink Floyd, please do not waste time reading this article.

Alan also did three albums for Al Stewart (including, The Year Of The Cat), worked on The Beatles’ Let It Be album, The Hollies (He Ain’t Heavy He’s My Brother, The Air That I Breathe), Paul McCartney and the Wings, and with George Harrison (All Things Must Pass album). With multiple Grammy nominations and Best Engineer awards under his belt, he conquered sound from the English soil. Befittingly, in 2007, the APRS Hall Of Fame inducted him as a Sound Fellow.

But what was Alan selling at the APRS show? In collaboration with Stephan Court (audio consultant and designer), he had produced the SOUND CHECK audio test CD. The disc was not to have songs but rather test tones and white and pink noises that professionals could use for sound analysis and audio equipment repairs. I may as well add here, so well engineered are Alan’s own APP albums that manufacturers still use them to demonstrate new CD players at audio trade shows.

Young, brimming with enthusiasm and thirsty for audio knowledge, I just had to have that test CD for my recording studio because I suspected that Alan would not speak to me unless I paid for the CD in cash. It was a perfect stop where I expected some magic to rub off on me if I shook hands with Alan. I was able to get him to mumble something about studio techniques; the man was a mountain of expert knowledge and experience. He was kind enough to autograph the CD for me and allow a picture of us to be taken.

And one last bit of trivia. Mike Myers being a dedicated Alan Parsons fan, named his Dr Evil’s Death Ray, The Alan Parsons Project in the movie The Spy Who Shagged Me.

Yeah baby yeah!

L i n k s f o r m o r e i n f o r m a t i o n

Alan Parsons Project http://www.alanparsonsmusic.com/bio.php

http://www.the-alan-parsons-project.com/apbio01.php

APRS http://www2.aprs.co.uk/

Pyar Ki Piyas (پیاس کی پیار): Will The Real Man Behind It Please Stand Up?

http://writersblocktgh.blogspot.com/2011/01/pyar-ki-piyas-will-real-man-behind-it.html

Pyar Ki Piyas (پیار کی پیاس): Urdu Lyrics With English Translation

http://writersblocktgh.blogspot.com/2011/01/pyar-ki-piyas-urdu-lyrics-with-english.html

Pyar Ki Piyas (پیارکی پیاس): Urdu Lyrics With English Translation

2011-01-14T10:19:00.035+01:00

As promised (http://writersblocktgh.blogspot.com/2011/01/pyar-ki-piyas-will-real-man-behind-it.html), here are some more gifts for those who wish to understand what the singer is singing:

1. The Urdu lyrics of ‘Pyar Ki Piyas’

2. A translation in English

The important features of this effort are:

1. The rhymes are intact in English as well

2. The English lyrics can be sung to the same tune

Click to hear the YouTube ('audio' only) version or go to the link below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuyMfBgYXuQ

Click to hear mp3 'audio' only version or go to the link provided below for better sound than the original video’s:

http://www.radioreloaded.com/tracks/?8005

The term lyric comes from the Greek word lyrikos, meaning ‘singing to the lyre’. A lyric poem is one that expresses a subjective, personal point of view. In 1876, the word lyric became associated with ‘words of a song’.

Please appreciate the fact that a lyric is always conversational in tone and is primarily created for a singer to sing. On the other hand, Urdu poetry in a typical Eastern recital gathering (musha’ira) is narrated without the aid of music. Hence, those with a penchant for poetry need not feel vexed reading this matter-of-fact yet poetic lyric. Simplicity, though it appears easy, is a hard thing to do. Of course, if I were to re-do the song today, I would make a few minor changes to the lyric as well as to the melody.

Stay tuned for the next blog and I hope you enjoy this one in the mean time.

پیار کی پیاس

میں نے دیکھا ہے / پیار اس کا جھوٹا

میری خوشیوں کو جس نے دونوں ہاتھوں سے لوٹا

گزرے وہ دن کبھی لوٹ کے نہ آئیں

جوانی برباد میری وہ مسکراے

میرا دِل اداس ہے

مجھے پیار کی پیاس ہے

کچھ پہلے سے / اس پہ شبہ تھا

دِل میں اس کے/ اک چور چھپا تھا

دولت لٹی / میرا پیار ہوا ضایع

محبّت یه ناچ دیکھو کیسے نچایے

میرا دِل اداس ہے

مجھے پیار کی پیاس ہے

Guitar Lead

سمجھاتے ہیں مجھے اپنے بیگانے

(مانو تُم کہنا)

جاو تُم بھول / وہ گزرے زمانے

یادیں ہیں تلخ لیکن دِل کیوں نہ جانے

رکھتا ہے یاد بھولے بسرے فسانے

میرے یه حالات ہیں

مجھے پیار کی پیاس ہے

مجھے پیار کی پیاس

مجھے پیار

پیاس

مجھے پیار کی پیاس ہے

پیار

Thirsting For Love

I have seen her love, all of it so fake

Plundered my happiness, took away what she could take

Those bygone days will never return

My youth is wasted; she smiles now and it hurts

My heart feels truly sad

Chorus:

O this thirsting for love is so bad

From the start, I had strong suspicions

A thief hid inside her heart with doubtful intentions

Lost all the money, my love’s not been tasted

Look at the run-around of love, I am wasted

My heart feels truly sad

Repeat Chorus...

[Guitar lead]

Guided me, strangers and friends alike

“You need to listen, forget the years gone by.”

Painful reminiscing, but the heart I don’t know why

Loves to recall forgotten stories by the bye

Such a bad state, I might add

Pyar Ki Piyas (پیارکی پیاس): Will The Real Man Behind It Please Stand Up?

2011-01-01T18:46:00.013+01:00

First, let me to wish all the visitors to my blog a very happy and prosperous 2011.

Second, I just made a leveraged buy-out deal; MTV is my property now and I am ready to launch my own satellite into space.

Third, I just made this up; in reality I have only launched my own video channel (TTV: writersblocktgh) on YouTube whose URL is:
http://www.blogger.com/%20http://www.youtube.com/user/writersblocktgh/

Since the world’s dumb fingers are too busy punching ‘smart’ Black Berry and I-Phone buttons these days, allow me to tell you something about the kind of work that I have done in the past. Now please do not get any ideas that might be funnier than my own.

Way back in the early 1990s, I was commissioned to write and compose for, arrange, record, mix and produce an upcoming band from Lahore called Wet Metal. The boys never played metal music but rather excelled at doing pop cover tunes at weddings and concerts.

I will spare you the details that will look better in a book I am contemplating writing and which is tentatively titled ‘The Missing Pages Of Pakistani Pop History’.

The title of the Urdu song Pyar Ki Piyas means 'Thirst For Love’; it was written in an era when men had stopped thirsting for knowledge. Najam Shiraz was then the lead singer for Wet Metal, with Shehryar as the guitarist, Ali at the keyboards and Saeed Hasan Turk on the drums (in the video you see Tariq Tafu pounding away at the drum-kit).

The song’s video was aimed to give the public a taste of Wet Metal’s upcoming debut album for which I was hired to do everything except appear as a regular band member. The song was slated for release as a debut single.

To this day, I retain the ownership rights to the lyrics, composition and the arrangement. It was also stipulated in the original contract that I had the ‘right to later release the same song with an altered arrangement under my own name’. Who knows, I just might decide to release a Pyar Ki Piyas video under the right launch conditions. It will not be difficult to get people from Bollywood interested in a re-make of the song but then who wants to see scantily-clad women dancing to my song?—not I. As it is, Munni’s notoriety (Munni badnaam huwee) and Sheila’s (Sheila ki jawani) youth has been rather over-exposed in public.

Mismanagement claimed the life of Wet Metal; it split shortly after the release of this video. Najam Shiraz later released Pyar Ki Piyas in his debut audio album, Khazana, in 1996. Although not fully acknowledged for my work, my name was misspelled in the album’s liner notes as Tahir Hassan Gul. You will not see my name on pirated CD versions released later because the album was originally released in cassette format.

I wrote Piyar Ki Pyas in 1991, composed and played all electronic instruments (sequencing) and single-handedly recorded and mixed the analogue audio tracks at my own studios (Sound On Sound, Karachi). Najam Shiraz only recorded the lead and backup vocals. Because since childhood I have been quite comfortable with oohs and aahs, you can actually hear me do the same in the song’s backup vocal track.

Shehryar played the guitar solo whose melody I hummed to him as we recorded the take. Ali is pretending to play the keyboards and Tariq Tafu is doing the same with the drums; such make belief happens in film and music all the time. What was certainly not my idea was Najam getting caught with his pants down, wearing just the shorts, when he sings meray yeh haalaat hein (meaning: this is my condition).

Fast forward nineteen years.

Najam Shiraz is now an internationally known Pakistani pop singer. We still see each other every few years. He says he announces my name whenever he sings this song on stage; I have no reason to doubt that. Not many these days admit in public what ladders and shoulders they rented to get to such dizzying heights. Indeed Najam's success is his own doing.

All the meticulous track-sheets, master mix-down track and contractual paperwork are still in my possession. This is proof of the pudding I made years ago and which—despite the passage of so many years—I enjoy consuming in my memory’s dessert plate once in a while.

By today’s standards, the song might sound a bit dated but listen to it with ears from the 90s. If I manage to salvage the original digital audio tape (DAT), you will be able to listen to a high quality audio version of Pyar Ki Piyas. I also intend to post the original Urdu lyrics and their translation here on my blog.

Stay tuned and God bless you all for the hugs and kisses you will now despatch in my direction.

For crazy Bollywood song parodies, please visit:
http://writersblocktgh.blogspot.com/2010/05/bollywood-song-parodies-by-tahir-gul.html

What Shall I Preach To You, Doll Rubber?

2010-12-09T11:47:00.008+01:00

SEVERE WARNING: Parents who are under twenty-one years of age, must be accompanied by precocious children when reading this. If you are unfamiliar with the Urdu language, decoding my subtle jokes is impossible.

It is indeed a beautiful frog anthem; notice the slow beat provided by a chorus of ribbiting and croaking frogs. Composer Madam Mohan caught and trained the amphibians and had the legendary Muhammad Rafi turn this song into a classic.

I like neither Nutan’s antics nor Shekhar’s (male lead) gestures. Right from the beginning of this picnic in a jungle (complete with formal dress fit for a nightclub), a stocky woman seated on the heroine’s right side is shown making the hero her real business. Frequently she salivates looking at the raw hero, and is quite unable to wait for the arrival of properly cooked dinner.

Now this whole bit of creative Bollywood song parody will be more fun of you open the video in one browser window and the text in another window (press CTRL+T and paste the blog's URL in the address bar), re-size them on your screen and place them side by side, then derive maximum forbidden pleasure by watching the video and reading my text.

Movie: Aakhri Daao
Singer: Mohammad Rafi
Music Director: Madan Mohan
Lyricist: Majrooh Sultanpuri
Actors/Actresses: Nutan, Shekhar
Year/Decade: 1958, 1950s

What shall I preach to you, Doll Rubber?

Right before you is my Hell, hey!

(Its a bait of) just one look from you

(But) its (also) a question of my life, aye! (not to mention my wife)

What shall I preach to you, Doll Rubber?

My ‘kosher’ activities prosper because of you, dumb(o)

My life too is (going great guns) because of your (healthy) gums

[Repeat both lines]

Remain oblivious of your (labour) pain?

How could my heart be such a daredevil?

(It’s a bait of) just one look from you

(But) it’s (also) a question of my life, aye! (not to mention my wife)

What shall I preach to you, Doll Rubber?

I have one eye on your beauty parlour (bills)

What more (back-)breaking news have you in the morning or past dinner time?

[Repeat both lines]

My (each flirtatious) evening is (spent inside) Just-a-Jew (night club)

My dawn is (an excuse for strange) thoughts

What shall I preach to you, Doll Rubber?

Get inside my cardiac arteries and liver – 2X

Why should the distance of a (lustful) look remain?

Get inside my cardiac arteries and liver

Why should the distance of a (lustful) look remain?

Without you, (sweet) Ginnie Joe

This life is a banged up mama’s hell

What shall I preach to you, Doll Rubber?

Right before you is my hell, hey!

(Its a bait of) just one look from you

(But) its (also) a question of my life, aye! (not to mention my wife)

What shall I preach to you, Doll Rubber?

Island Of Blondes

2010-11-23T08:26:00.001+01:00

As a young boy l remember reading Gulliver’s Travels and swiftly getting mesmerized by the idea of Lilliputians. Life is much more than Treasure Island or other fairy tales. Since I never seriously contemplated lowering my anchor at an island inhabited entirely by ladies who wished to be my loving neighbours, the fruit of my patience has finally turned out to be exceedingly sweet. Conservative outlook is doomed because a Lithuanian company Olialia (pronounced ‘ooh-la-la’) now intends to create a holiday resort in the Maldives islands that will be run entirely by blondes.

Mankind’s obsession with blonde womankind is half as old as the sponsor of such schemes: Satan. Ever since man set foot on Earth, his attempts to turn the blue marble into a cheap copy of the promised heaven have turned many small rational steps into giant leaps of insanity. It is for the perfect insān (Arabic for man) that the scriptures promise pleasures in heaven but without revealing the colour of the tresses of heavenly maidens who will make the lives of some men immeasurably enjoyable. Heaven is reprieve from the torture chambers of hell. Or perhaps heaven is the death of death itself, lack of taxes, absence of credit cards, nonexistence of debt and an acute shortage of mobile phone ringtones. We shall not know the whole truth until we renounce all modern discomforts, meaning, fly away as a departed soul to the air headquarters for an interrogation session.

It is true; Olialia’s latest scheme to transform a part of the civilized world into virtual heaven by releasing hundreds of blondes on an island is already drowning men in huge waves of lust because the film industry always stereotypes blondes as ‘dumb’ creatures who wear stilettos, have strange hairstyles and invariably speak in high-pitched tones. The end is nigh, the Baltic blonde movement is upon us and the days of raven-haired beauties are almost over.

The ambitious blonde plan has already attracted criticism from the citizens of the island nation of Maldives, who condemned it as ‘racist and discriminatory since it excludes non-white Maldivians.’

The Maldives islands are truly a sight to behold in the Indian Ocean; never attempt to locate them on a map without the aid of a decent magnifying glass. En-route from Colombo, Sri Lanka, only once did I have the good fortune of staying overnight in the Maldives. As for the abilities of the pilots and their flying machines, their landing on a tiny island literally took my breath away. From a distance of a few kilometres on approach, the airport island looked like the deck of a naval aircraft carrier. By the time the airplane approached the touchdown point, I had hurriedly consumed all my ten nails as snacks. You see, on all four sides of the runway, I found what attracted hordes of tourists to that location: emerald green water.

The captain remarked jokingly, “Landing short, overshooting, or veering to the left or to the right of the short runway is not an option here. Who wants to become lunch for sharks?”

Emerging from the arrival lounge, I hired a sea-taxi whose captain did not want to know the name of a road but rather the island I wished to disembark at. It made perfect sense as various hotels were located on one or the other island. Later the same evening, as I poured the famous 1000 Islands dressing over the salad, I realized how important the Maldives were to vegetarians.

Local laws dictated that resorts in the Maldives hire at least fifty percent local staff. The natives were almost exclusively dark-skinned. My eyes never met with a single inactive blonde during the short stay there, and if there were any such creatures, they were busy scuba-diving with incredibly muscular lovers, or lazily getting at an undisclosed location all the sun their fair skins craved for. Going home with suntans was the thing, but having burnt myself once and feeling twice shy, I decided to remain true to my colour.

Olialia knows more than I do about the Maldives and that is why it is run and staffed by blonde women who conduct business in seventy-five sectors, such as computer software, food products and pop music. Had Debbie Harry’s pop band, Blondie, been alive today, they surely would have become richer in old age. The office environment of Olialia is enviable because the few dark-haired women who work there are surrounded by beautiful blondes—a grim situation that leads to the former colouring their hair quite blonde with grief. The girls there are all very smart; some have as many degrees as a thermometer. To the utter disappointment of the local flesh traders, all the blondes there wish to do something more business-like with their lives.

Maldivian criticism aside, Lithuania might be on the verge of contravening European Union job application and employment laws; the future of older men and women with grey hair is bleak. The company, however, says that ‘it does not discriminate and welcomes all applicants, no matter what their gender, age, or hair colour.’

It will be quite difficult to silence the critics who call Olialia’s marketing strategy sexist because it uses provocative images of blondes to sell products and reinforce negative stereotypes. There is truth in a brunette’s comment that ‘it is clear they are not selling the idea that blondes are clever, they are selling the idea that blondes are sexy, because their selling points are Baltic women and selling lust.’ The car bumper-stickers that read ‘California or bust’ will now display ‘The Baltics or lust’.

All of Olialia's products are advertised using images of attractive blonde women in impossibly intellectual situations, such as, glamorous high-heeled blonde scientists conducting strange laboratory experiments to make a cola drink, or a board meeting of blondes applying make-up while discussing corporate tactics. Since advertisers know the minds of men more than their own wives ever do, Olialia’s campaign—offensive or clownish as it might seem—appears to be working. The company expects double the profit this year since ‘most of the Lithuanians recognise the brand’. If this peculiar Baltic blonde movement means ‘liberation from stereotypes for blonde women’ I demand a blonde re-partition of the Indian sub-continent, a re-enactment of 1947 worthy of being televised on a hundred television channels that we won from windmills in pitched battles fought by a hillock called Enlightened Moderation.

In this land we close down our businesses to honour persons of national importance but in the Latvian capital Riga, a two-day blonde festival attempted to cheer up a country suffering from economic crisis. With a clueless Prime Minister and a loveless President running our show, the common man expects no such festival here. Since we are a ‘branded’ state, the learned bearded ones cannot possibly think along Baltic lines, however, the tired masses would not mind entertaining blonde thoughts in their most private black and white moments.

To spice up the occasion, the festival’s organiser, president of LAB (the Latvian Association of Blondes) included parties, a concert and a march of blonde women through Riga to prove that blondes can be independent and show initiative. We too had a march in our federal capital some years ago in which stick-wielding women wore black hijabs (lose outer garments) and niqabs (face-concealing garments) and wanted the rest of the women of the land to immediately become invisible by walking in their footsteps to revive the garments manufacturing industry.

Although the year of my retirement is far into the future, the blonde resort is scheduled to open by 2015. The project was officially unveiled at a party with—you guessed it—a blonde dress code in a nightclub. The over-excited reaction to such events of quite a few male tourists in Riga proved that female emancipation was never the thing that mattered. On a stag weekend, the police detained a young man because he stripped naked—courtesy of strong drinks—at a concert of blonde women in the Old Town. Although the Baltic blonde movement is designed to attract attention but it also has the potential of causing considerable damage to the region's dream of attracting sober tourists who feel repulsed by its unruly stag party image.

In short, the Lithuanian Olialia’s blonde scheme is a corporate reaction to the public jokes about Baltic blondes being less intelligent, and that is the reason they thought of creating a blonde business empire that intends to attract merrymakers by offering direct flights to the Maldives flown entirely by—get ready for this—blonde stewardesses and pilots.

What is a perfect gentleman to do now? I think I will discreetly whisper, without being suggestive, into the ear of my employer just one thing: host the next annual dinner at the proposed blonde island if you wish to boost employee morale and productivity.