Writing from the Heart and for the Soul

New Year's 2026... A New Beginning

2026-01-01T07:45:00.000-08:00

New Year’s 2026

A New Beginning…

As 2025 has closed and 2026 is now unfolding,

I reflect back on the Quarter of a Century that

just ended. All I experienced, witnessed and went

through, all the volumes; volumes of which

could fill several libraries….

The entirety of this Century spent in the mere existence

on the periphery of humanity, on the streets, forced out

by and through the illegal actions of a despicable

landlord. Life has thrown me more than a few rough

patches, to say the least. My entire life hijacked

in the worst ways one could ever imagine.

That Temporary Street closure, looks like

it may be re-opening once again in the not too

distant future. And I am not looking forward

to any of it. Going back into the RAW of life.

Though, I am deeply grateful for the reprieve of being

off the streets, however briefly, with the in-home care.

It has given me a little room to BREATHE, but my

head remains on constant swivel.

But it will be going back out with no protection.

For so many years on the streets, that was the case.

It had only been the last few years of being on the

streets that protection came in the form of a vehicle.

Long since taken from me by and through the

actions of another, leaving me to pay the heavy,

hard price of their actions.

Having no lifeline and no mobility has imposed

great limits and heavy restrictions on everything

in my life, but even more so with what little income

I have coming in, which is partial SSI, supposed

to be full disability, but that is another way the

state and government screwed with me.

Battled them for over 16 years before finally being

approved, after more than a decade and a half of being

continually denied. They waited until the State disability

from previous employment had expired before finally

approving me for much less than what

I was fully entitled to receive.

Spoke with several lawyers, one of whom was referred

to me 3 times, all of whom refused to take my case,

telling me my case was too involved. Meaning they

would need to actually do some kind of work to earn

their hefty fees. None of whom were willing to do so.

And without transit to go to their forced “audits”,

where they shred and rip apart my life in every which

way they possibly can, citing it is to make sure I still

“qualify” to receive my income, when my status and

physical challenges are permanent and have not

just magically disappeared, nor will they ever.

Ransacking my life endlessly for

absolutely no good reason.

SSI continues its threats about stopping my only

source of income unless I go in person to their office

way over in Hayward. And it poses several challenges

for doing so; having no way to check my mail regularly,

for their required forced in-person audits that they send by

mail, except on foot. I cannot check my mail every day,

or every week, due to the distance and my being on

foot by and through the actions of another.

The impact of another’s actions rippling and

reverberating through every aspect of my life.

The New Year is supposed to be a New Start, a New

Beginning. That simply has not been the case. Finding

the help and support nowhere to be found. Having

doors slammed hard in my face, no matter

where I turn. Nothing there.

Being on foot makes it a real challenge trying to

take care of anything. My life forced onto the sidelines,

a permanent by-stander in my own life, which has

created a plethora of issues not being able to do

what I need to. There is a long list of things I need to

get to, that cannot wait indefinitely for me

to get to. Then having no one to help

no matter where you turn.

Checking my mail, grocery shopping, taking care

of essentials, going to appointments, volunteering,

donating my time and skills, or donating food that

I cannot eat or clothing that I no longer wear or

need, just to name a few things that being without

a vehicle not only makes more than challenging,

but impossible to take care of the bulk of.

Spending a great deal of time walking everywhere,

getting very little, if anything, accomplished.

Putting more miles on my feet, quite literally, than

most people do their cars, just to take care of the

barest of bare essentials; checking my mail, which

is about a 13 mile walk round-trip, grocery shopping

is every day, all week long, being able to only walk so

far and carry only so much. And that is only when

weather permits. More often than not, the grocery

trips are a huge waste of time, as the store,

whichever one I make it to, is generally out

of what it was I went for.

Something people simply cannot fathom,

that a Homeless person on the streets

for so long could possibly have anything to

take care of that is of any import. Yes, survival

takes center stage, and finding some place, any

place, to take care of the barest essentials

become all consuming, nothing goes away,

not the problems or responsibilities, it all just

gets rearranged and shifted to include the

additional ones brought on as a direct

result of being on the street.

Being forced to live on the streets does not

extinguish any problems, it just adds a whole lot

more to the mix; A much more challenging

mix to contend with.

Being without a lifeline and mobility, is

a prison worse than death.

Your life is suspended, permanently

suspended and cut off from life itself.

As the New Year begins to unfold, excitement

does not fill me, just a sense of dread while

struggling with gratitude. I am filled with

gratitude one moment, then Life crashes

into me and reality sets and settles back in.

Such a wonderful way to start the New Year!!

New Year 2026

The Year in Closing... 2025

2025-12-30T06:25:00.000-08:00

2025 – The Year in Closing

This year has a deep mix of being a blessing and one of the

worst years I have experienced. Having my lifeline and mobility

forcibly taken from me by and through the actions of another,

leaving me stranded in the middle of life, forced to be a

permanent by-stander on the sidelines of my own life.

It has been a very rough, hard year in many ways and a comfort in a few.

Being on foot has been a real challenge, to say the least, trying to take care

of what I need to, most of which I have not been able to do being on foot.

So much I need to take care of that cannot be done on foot. Things that

cannot wait forever for me to get to. Put more miles on my feet than

most people do in their cars, and yet I am able to take of very little.

Being on foot takes a tremendously hard toll on your body,

especially when you are physically challenged as a

direct result of another’s actions.

But one of the many blessings I am counting is being off the streets

and having a roof over my head where I am not directly in the

elements like I had been for a quarter of a century. And hopefully,

being off the streets is permanent. I cannot go back to that. It took

so much from me, so much away from me. But the streets are so

deeply embedded through every fiber of my being, I can no

sooner erase it from my life, my memories,

my body than I can stop breathing air.

Living, or rather merely existing around the threads of society, for

so long, not only strips you of your Self, but completely erases and

destroys it in every measurable way. It splinters and fragments

that completely shred the Self in millions of shards and pieces

that can never be fully re-collected and made whole. There

will always be pieces missing that cannot be

replaced or restored.

Life on the streets wipes it out, takes a tremendous amount

away from you., things that you can never get back.

But unable to go anywhere, since my lifeline was taken from me,

leaving me permanently on foot, which makes it all but impossible

to take care of much or be able to go anywhere, left stranded.

My life limited and restricted by and through the actions of another.

And being endlessly rattled and shaken, repeatedly by literally

100s of earthquakes that has hit in numerous clusters for over a

month., and continues. Each one, and then the long succession

of them, leaves a feeling of being rattled, unsettled and a

more than a little disturbing and disorienting.

It has been a very damaging, devastating year. There is no good

time to be without a vehicle, your Lifeline and mobility, but this time

of year is the absolute worst to be without one and forced to be a

permanent by-stander on the sidelines of your own life,

pushed to the wayside...

Having a roof over my head, however temporary it may be, without

a vehicle is much easier to bear than the same being on the streets

without one, which was the case for several years. At the very least,

I am not out directly in the elements through the night, and that

in and of itself, is such an incredible blessing.

This is one year that will not be missed.

But one impossible to forget.

As the year comes to a close, 2025 leaves more than an indelible

mark and the impression, not a good one at that. Not all scars are visible.

Closing of 2025...

Stranded...

2025-11-24T11:28:00.000-08:00

Stranded…

in the middle of life

Left stranded in the middle of life, my life. My lifeline

and mobility taken so violently from me by and through

the actions of another. Making life more challenging

with each moment’s passing after my parked vehicle was

hit and totaled in the middle of the night back in March.

Forced to be a permanent by-stander in my own

life. Finding it harder and harder to be grateful.

Having what I need taken from me, time and again.

Gratitude is not what is filling my heart. Having my

lifeline and mobility taken from me, limiting and

restricting the income I have coming in and the

extraordinary prices that continue to soar further

and farther into the stratosphere plus a plethora

of other issues and challenges that have come

about and more rising with each moment as a

direct result of having no vehicle.

Struggling to find and truly feel Gratitude in the seams

and tears in the fabric of life, in just trying to take care

of the barest essentials, which have now become luxuries

that can no longer be had, especially not on foot.

Fall has always been my favorite season; the colors, the

crisp mornings, the rich scents of nature. The colors of

Fall are my colors, the colors I love, the colors I wear

and the colors that work best with my skin tone.

And though I love the Fall season, I am not a fan

of the Holidays, even less so now without mobility.

The only upside to this moment is being inside, however

briefly it may last. And that I am not directly out in the

elements, back on the street with no protection or safety,

like had been the case for a Quarter of a Century.

So not looking forward to a repeat of any of that.

This season, it is truly a mixed blessing.

Feels more cursed than anything. My entire life has felt cursed.

The bad continues to heavily overshadow the good, which has

been sprinkled so sparingly, very little, to say the least. Having

what I need taken from me time and time again makes me wonder

what the hell is the point in even being here, in any regard.

With the Holidays just days away, the hardship of not having

a vehicle continues to mount. I do not have any place to go,

not invited anywhere, but being able to go somewhere,

taken from me. I usually spend the holidays, hiking

(if weather permits) or reading and writing. More often

than not, combining them all together. After gathering

a good collection of books from the library.

This year, it will be spent reading, writing and walking

Paul’s dog, Abby. Abby and I sharing our day together.

I am grateful to have at least Abby to share the time with.

I am tremendously blessed and so deeply grateful to

have a roof over my head for the time being, and I know

how huge it is to have this roof over my head, especially

after being forced to live on the hard, rough streets for

a few months short of a Quarter of a Century.

And having this roof over my head, here and now, is

what is pulling me into the spirit of gratitude.

Left Stranded….

Paying the Price... STILL

2025-10-27T16:30:00.000-07:00

Paying the Price...Still

Months after the fact, after my lifeline and mobility was so

violently taken from me, after an Asian woman hit and totaled

my parked vehicle in the middle of the night back in March during

the Daylight-Saving time change, where the woman took out

3 vehicles that night, first mine, then the truck parked in front

of my vehicle and hers, I finally received a small settlement

from her insurance. I had been searching

endlessly for a replacement.

But the small sum did not afford much in terms of

replacing my vehicle and lifeline. And the challenges it

imposes on getting to the places to search for a replacement.

But I finally found what appeared to be a good deal on a

2005 Nissan Quest van.

But turns out, nothing good about it.

The guy who sold it to me was quite sketchy.

He LIED to me about absolutely everything

in regard to this vehicle. And I so wish I could turn

back the hands of time and not purchase

what turned out to be a Junker.

One of my deep weaknesses is trusting people,

being too trusting, which has caused a lot of

harm to me and in my life as a whole.

Being too honest and too trusting

have cost me enormously.

First off, the guy told me it was a clear and clean

title, it’s not, it is in LIEN status from previous

owners. FAILED SMOG across the board, as the

Check Engine light had been disconnected as had the

Fuel Gauge and Odometer, both blank, and

the Catalytic Converter, removed.

I didn’t know it was in LIEN until I went to the

DMV to get it transferred and registered in my

name. Then the DMV demanding that I owe them

all the back fees for someone else’s inactions.

Not only that, but they forced me to get the SMOG.

When I returned to the DMV showing the SMOG

Failed, they told me I had to repair it and get

another SMOG until it passed.

That will never happen.

When I took the van in to be inspected, found that the

wiring has to be redone, everything inside the van

and under the hood needs to be replaced and repaired.

I took it over to the Carwash across from Wendy’s and was

overcharged for it being a van, not only was I overcharged

for the service, they did a crappy job and to boot, the battery

was dead when it came out of the wash and parked.

Turns out, the tow guy put in a wrong sized battery,

And put it in backward with the cables barely connected.

I have reached out to the tow guy several times,

he has chosen to ignore me entirely.

Instead of doing the right thing, he chose

the opposite direction. Certainly not a show

of Integrity, Character or Honesty on his part.

These are simply not things he stands for.

The DMV refuses to release the title and

registration to me, until the back fees

from everyone else is PAID off and the

Blasted SMOG passes, leaving me in

a difficult place, to say the least.

I reached out to attorneys; they refuse to take the case.

So, time and again, I find myself paying the heavy

price of another person’s actions. That is really messed up!!!

Still paying the price….

A Birthday Gift...

2025-08-15T22:30:00.000-07:00

A Birthday Gift…

And one to Remember...

8/15/25

This has been a birthday of remembrance, something I

will hold and cherish. A gift, in the form of a colorful bouquet

of flowers being hand delivered to me by Janet, who has

blessed my life in many ways, caught me just as I was in

the process of walking Abby, the dog of the man whose

father I was doing in-home care with, and handed me

the beautiful array of a colorful bouquet on the

morning of my birthday.

Making it a birthday I will always remember

in the best way. To know that someone actually

cared enough to make my day special, a day that

was for the first time, remembered, other than by me,

usually when I do, though, it is after the fact.

The flowers brightened my day immeasurably and

let me know someone actually cares. That alone

brings a tiny glimmer of hope.

Every once in a while, the invisibility cloak unveils

and disperses for a moment or two, and someone

chooses to see me, at least for that tiny brief

moment, feelings of being Human emerge.

Hope filled my being, for a brief moment or two,

then reality settled back in. And the hope faded back

and disappeared into the ether, once again.

But the Beauty of the flowers, hand delivered and

being seen for a brief moment and actually acknowledged

on my Birthday, is something I will always

cherish and remember.

This birthday truly was a Gift!

Paying the Price...

2025-03-17T07:48:00.000-07:00

Paying the Price…

My life has been side-lined once again, by and through

the actions of another after a woman who was either texting

or sleeping, was not paying attention to the road when she

came down the street where I was doing in-home care, at a

fast speed, smashing first into my parked car before moving

on to crash into the truck parked right in front of my car.

Jolted hard and fierce in the middle of the night through

the time change of Daylight-Saving artificial time switch

when an ear-splitting high pitch screech followed by 2

loud crashes directly in front of the home I was doing

in-home care in occurred.

All vehicles were totaled. The woman was rewarded

with a brand-new vehicle, while I remain on foot.

After her totaling 3 vehicles, how is she allowed

to even be driving? It cost her nothing, and cost

me so much, took away my lifeline, my mobility,

and left me unable to do much of anything.

Being so violently torn from sleep, Paul and I both went

out to see what happened. Finding a hysterical Asian

woman standing on the sidewalk after first hitting my

parked car then the truck that was parked in front of mine,

with her car smashed in between, all vehicles totaled from

her distracted state she had been driving in, coming down

the residential street at a very fast clip, either texting or

otherwise distracted with something else, immediately

took away my lifeline and mobility, not to mention

my source of income, leaving me on foot.

But I am so deeply grateful that I have a roof over

my head, however temporary it may be, and not

back on the streets with no protection at all,

like had been the case for the first several years

on the streets, where I had no vehicle, no

protection, no safety.

Her actions, though, have caused irreparable harm

in so many ways. Her actions gutted my life. Becoming

a forced by-stander in my own life, once again, through

the actions of another, where I am forced to pay the

heavy price from what someone else has done.

I cannot volunteer my time and skills, cannot donate

what I no longer need or use, cannot take any assignments,

go to any appointments, pick up groceries, check my

mail or do a thousand other things…on foot. That was

all taken from me, all from another person’s actions.

Not only was my mobility taken from me, again, leaving

me on foot, it literally put my life on hold, like a permanent

suspension. Unable to take care of even the most basic

essentials. Cannot take care of much on foot.

As the challenges having no vehicle increases,

essentials become more and more of a luxury

while life itself becomes out of reach.

Paying the Price...

New Year's 2025

2025-01-01T04:28:00.000-08:00

New Year’s 2025

A New Hope…

A new year unfolding right in front of me. A new year

filled with hope. Something I haven’t experienced

for so long I know not where to begin to place it.

Being forced to live on the streets for nearly a

Quarter of a Century has left an Indelible mark on

every facet of my life and all through my body.

Finding myself living in Gratitude for seeing

colors and beauty all around. For having a solid,

safe roof over my head at the start of a New Year,

instead of being outside. It is a very new, very

different, very beautiful way to live.

Grateful to have a bathroom to use, and a bed

to lay on. Birds right outside my window, their

songs, a continual melody to my heart.

I was on the streets for so long, there was no

differentiating me from the streets, where I

began and where the streets ended, where the

streets started and I ended… it was so intricately

woven into the fabric of my very essence. I

could not tell one from another.

Even months after finally getting off the streets,

I cannot let go of the streets. It remains in all I do,

in how I respond, and in the essence of me. I am still

caring for the elderly gentleman whose son gave me

the step up and the hand up, not a handout, to get

off the streets that I have needed for this entire

century, though, certainly not in the way I

hoped for, but a step-up, nonetheless,

that lifted me from the streets.

But it was a path off the streets, at least for the

time being. I cannot say how long I will be here.

Paul’s dad has had to keep returning to the hospital,

then to their rehab. He will be 89 years of age this

year…. He has long since outlived his body in every

way. With him constantly falling and unwilling

or unable to use his weight to stand, he goes back

to rehab, hoping to gain the needed strength to

be at this house and at least be able to get up

and use the bathroom on his own, which is

something he is having more and

more difficulty with.

As he returns back to the house, Paul will give

his dad a few days, and if his dad can manage getting

up and using the bathroom on his own, he will be able

to stay. But if he cannot use it on his own, Paul will

be placing him in a nursing home. I do not know

where that leaves me, but for now, Paul is

keeping me on to take care of Abby, his

mixed breed dog, and to keep his home kept.

It puts my residency in a Limbo I am not at all

comfortable with. It literally hangs in the balance

of Paul’s decision, which affects more than just

his dad. I absolutely dread having to go back to

the streets, but with the limited income I receive,

that leaves little option for much else, but

doesn’t make it any easier having

to face the streets once again.

I am trying to stay positive, hope for the best.

A different start to this New Year,

to be sure. And perhaps I can finally put the

Streets behind me, though the streets remain so

deeply infused into every pore of my essence…

it will never fully and entirely be behind me.

A New Year filled with the promise of a New Start.

Closing 2024... Christmas and Winter Season

2024-12-24T21:32:00.000-08:00

Christmas and Winter 2024

Closing out the year…

As the winter season begins and the end of the year

begins to close, book-ended by the Holidays, and the

Holiday Season, I reflect on having a roof over my

head this year, though, not the roof I would have

chosen or preferred, it is still a roof over my head

and a reprieve from being forced to live on the

streets like I had been forced to do for so long,

nearly half my life was spent on the streets,

my life stripped from me and taken.

A life in Full-surround sound and video.

Our lives the Feature film for all to see and hear,

where admission for the public is always free, but

at our expense. Every moment of our lives on

running video, spied on 24/7, with no down time.

So, the shift to caring for an elderly gentleman to

get off the streets for his care, is something I am

truly thankful for. But it is a mixed blessing.

Still have no space to just BE. No privacy.

The cons tend to overshadow the pros. But I am

able to finally shelve all the horror of the streets

and the endless nightmare it was and put it out

of reach for now. The harassment of just being

present, gone. That brings light to my heart with

hope for going forward. Though, I can never erase

what being on the streets was, or what I went

through, or the effects it had on me,

the residues of it remain.

Something I will never be able to wash from

my body or memory, as it is so intricately woven

through the fabric of my soul. Indelibly fused

to every fiber of by being.

Mentally and physically, I am still in the space

of being on the street, even though I have been

off the streets for a while now, I still feel like

I am out there. And I know at any moment,

that very well may be the case, again.

Holidays are not a pleasant time for me. I hate

the heavy, thick parking lot traffic everywhere,

the frantic frenzy of everyone, the rushing to

go and be and do 2 seconds faster than

everyone else. All of it just wears me down

and wears me out. Drains me on every level.

I hate the mass packed crowds, the deafening

volume all around. Have just never been a fan

of the Holidays. I dread this time of year. But

I am thankful and have a tremendous amount

to be grateful for. I am focusing on the

good as best as I can.

Being inside as the year comes to a close

is a first in a very long time.

Finally able to close, at least temporarily,

that chapter and finish the book. The book was

quite long and it never felt like it would

finish, the ending nowhere in sight,

just went on and on and on.

So, a New book begins and the pages

are already filling up.

Closing 2024…

The Next Chapter

A Season of Hope...

2024-11-28T03:42:00.000-08:00

A Season of Hope…

Thanksgiving 2024

For nearly a quarter of a Century, my Holidays, along

with every day of the year, were spent on the streets, where

every day, regardless of the day or date, turns into “Just

another day”. And though, this year, they are still just

days, nothing meaningful, it is not on the streets.

This is first time spent indoors.

No, I have no one to share it with or have any

plans to be with anyone, meet anywhere and

I have not been invited anywhere, but I am

grateful to be off the streets, no matter how

temporary it may be, reflecting and

drawing up memories of love.

I will be Spending the day quietly with

Abby, Paul’s mixed breed dog. So we’ll walk

and have a Girl’s day. She loves her walks,

something she begs and pleads with

me to take her on.

The elderly gentleman I have been caring

for is currently in the hospital because I cannot

lift him. He kept falling and was unable

to get up and use the bathroom without great

help to do so. But Paul is keeping me on

at the house, for the time being.

His dad is apparently doing fine, according

to Paul and is in rehab working to be able

to get up and use the bathroom on his own.

I do not know where things are going from here…

or how long I will be there. I do not know if his dad

will be returning back to the house or not. But I

cannot lift him. He is dead weight. So, if he is

unable to get up on his own and be able to use the

bathroom on his own, he will not be coming back.

And where does that leave me? Back to the streets?

A prospect I dread. But I’m trying to keep my

hopes high and pray for the best for all.

Focus on the Good.

Being grateful to have a roof over my head

this year, especially as the weather turns. Grateful

to have mobility and a vehicle that is safe and running

well. I am grateful for the breathing space and time

away from the streets. I am grateful to have a bed

to lay on a few minutes here and there.

There will be no celebrations, not here, anyway.

No decorations. The only decoration is the

Vase of Flowers I got for the house on

my birthday. The flowers and stems are

dead, but I keep them there in the room

between the kitchen and garage.

Looking to add more flowers to it.

Like some fresh roses from the front yard,

coming up along the driveway and right

in front of the back gate. Noticed some

beauties blooming that would brighten the

place and offer a focal point of gratitude.

I know it will be much more challenging this

time around, if I am forced back to the streets;

with a much smaller vehicle, less space. But I

will adapt. And continue to breathe, or remind

myself to breathe and take another step

forward, moment by moment.

But focusing on the good, and I am Thankful for the

reprieve off the streets, having a roof over my

head, a room with a door that I can close and a

place to just Breathe for a moment.

Thanksgiving 2024

Temporary Street Closure...

2024-09-01T19:58:00.000-07:00

Street Closure…

Nearly a quarter of a Century being forced to live

and merely exist on the exhaust of Humanity, on the

Periphery of life itself for decades before a door

finally cracks open and a temporary end to merely

existing finally comes about, then right back to

the grind of street life. Not a prospect to

look forward to, and I’m not.

Life on the streets is like being trapped and sucked

into a time warp, where the only thing that changes is

the weather, going from oven baking, blistering heat to

frigid temps and everything in between. Having no

place to go, where do you go?

Being forced to live on the streets is beyond

challenging; having to contend with how to live

and be without any of the things readily available,

but not accessible for people living on the streets,

that people take for granted, Laundry, Showers,

having a usable and accessible bathroom to do

your private business, eating, sleeping, finding

drinkable water, clothing, shelter….

The list is endless.

But like with anything in life, our bodies and

minds quickly adapt to whatever settings and

circumstances we find ourselves in, and it

becomes the Norm. And so common place, You

no longer think about the How's or the whys,

you just do and go about your business,

like it is something you have always done.

But when you live on the streets, your business

soon becomes everyone's business, regardless.

Your life and everything you do, everywhere

you go is always playing on the Public Movie

screen, where admission to the public is

always free, at our expense. No privacy,

no matter what private matters you

need to take care of.

And finally having a reprieve, albeit a

temporary one, is a Gift, and something

I am truly grateful for. But I find I am still

not able to let down my guard. My head

remains on constant swivel…

And as it unfolds more, giving me more breathing

space from life on the streets, I do not know if it

will make things easier or more challenging

when, in all likelihood, I will be forced to return

to the streets once the older gentleman I care

for and cleanup after has passed on to the

next life and his next journey. I do not

know how long my position caring

for him will last, a few days, weeks,

months perhaps…. Maybe longer?

Of course, there are pros and cons to the

position, pros and cons to everything in life,

but I try to count the blessings and positives,

though the cons do tend to greatly overshadow

the good and the blessings all around.

Focusing on the good is my goal.

Living on the streets takes a tremendously hard

toll on your body, your heart, mind and soul

in ways that are truly unimaginable.

The moment you find yourself on the street,

is the very moment you lose yourself, your

humanity and what it is and means to be

human. You immediately stop being treated

as a living, breathing being from others….

And become non-existent.

Becoming invisible in plain sight…

A Birthday to Remember...

2024-08-15T23:02:00.000-07:00

A Birthday to Remember…

2024

Most people are blessed on their birthdays,

and they are celebrated for their presence

and the Gift their life has been to others.

I have always wondered what that would be like.

Being celebrated just to be alive, being present,

and have a day of the year where my life,

my presence truly mattered to others.

But my birthdays have always been

unacknowledged. Days that are ignored

and brushed to the wayside, just another

day that is irrelevant and meaningless.

This birthday was spent cleaning up after an

elderly gentleman all day. What a way to

spend it. No one noticed, or even cared.

It has always been one sided. I always

remember everyone’s birthdays, anniversaries,

holidays and so forth, but mine goes by unnoticed.

Mine is silent. Just another day to make quite

clear that my presence has never mattered to anyone.

And this year, a mirror of last year (with the

exception of being inside this year) … were spent

taking care of Paul’s dad and cleaning up after him,

and the crap covered bathroom, doing his laundry.

The one positive about his dad is he is polite.

I realize how difficult it is for his dad to have a

female cleaning him and cleaning up after him.

I direct him to do what he can to help lessen

the effect of having me bathe and clothe him.

But the constant cleanup makes it a real

challenge to be grateful being here. I am

grateful, though. And having the reprieve,

however temporary it may be, from the

streets, fills my heart with gratitude.

Room and Board in exchange for taking

care of and cleaning up after his elderly father.

And though this was not the birthday I ever dreamed

of, it is finally one that is not spent on the streets,

and free of the endless harassment, and that is a Gift.

Even though my birthday continues in silence

with no acknowledgment, it is the first one in nearly

a Quarter of a Century where it

is inside.

A Birthday to remember.

A Life... On Repeat

2024-03-12T07:45:00.000-07:00

A Million Times Over...

It feels like I have lived this exact life millions and millions of times,

trapped in a nightmare that never ends, and I can never wake from

living the same life, over and over and over again,

a million times over and beyond...

Everything, absolutely everything in this life has always given me a

feeling, a very strong feeling, of Deja Vu.... in just about everything

I have experienced. Like I am seeing it happen, before or after it

happens... and living it on repeat, and in the same position or

space. Really weird feeling, to be sure. Like my entire life

has been a continual Deja Vu…every moment of every day.

How many times have I lived this exact life? Is there any way to

find out and somehow finally, finally, be able to change the course,

take a different path.... one that I am supposed to be here for?

I cannot be here for the same life, over and over and over

again, without end. If so, then what the

hell is the point?

And is it really any wonder, then, why I really don't like this thing

called “life”? Since I have been trapped in the same one for eternity

and well beyond? Am I stuck in a Life regression for a reason? What the

hell am I supposed to be learning...? If the lessons are not ones

that I am grasping, how do I learn the damned lessons

already and move forward?

Being forced to live, or rather exist on the barest of humanity's

fumes, outside without a home for decades on end... what the

hell am I supposed to be learning from this nightmare? How to

exist without being allowed to be present? What am I missing?

None of the so-called “Providers” have ever asked me “we are

here to help, what do you need, how can we help?”. But they

have no problem forcing what they want, how they want,

where they want, when they want... which is not what I need.

I have more than served my time. But no matter what

I do or where I go.... the hand up I am in

need of is nowhere in sight.

My whole life has been in need of help and assistance,

and turning in all directions and standing alone at every moment.

So where do I turn? I am really tired of going in circles and finding nothing

but empty space. Recorded empty space, since every breath we take is video

monitored and recorded, every moment of the day and all through the night.

No space or privacy to be found, especially not outside on the public movie

screen that plays 24/7. How do I become the Hero of my own life and

change course? What the hell is “God's Will” in my life? Every direction,

every path I have taken has always been the wrong one.

Just being born was wrong, and something that never should have

happened. Not even my biological “parents” wanted anything

to do with me and discarded me before birth.

Trying to figure out the reason for my life.

New Year's 2024...

2024-01-03T07:30:00.000-08:00

New Year's 2024

24^thNew Year in the making of life and

living without a home outside. I have learned

a tremendous amount just by teaching myself

how and could be a Homeless Life Coach...

Life skills for living on the streets. All I

need now is some way to get paid for

doing so while also getting paid to pen

Best Selling Instruction Manuals...

Keeping my options open.

Another New Year book-ended by storms

on either side of it. But New Year's Day itself

turned out beautiful. Started off overcast, but

became mostly clear, with calm winds and

temps pleasantly in the mid 60s.

A mirror image of 2023... As the New Year

rolled in, But with easier storms on either side

of the change of years from one to the next.

As 2022 was coming to a close, we were battered

hard with heavy, powerful storms ripping through

the area, but held its breath at the dawn of 2023

as one year rolled into the next... the breath

released again at the close of the first day of 2023,

storms picked up right where it had left

off from the last parts of 2022.

The same thing happened this New Year, where

it was raining at the end of 2023... then backed off for

the start of 2024, before picking right back up where

it had left off the day before last. But this time around

the storms are much lighter and not as destructive

and devastating. But having 2 New Year's Days

in succession that were beautiful Gifts and both

bracketed and book-ended between storms,

were truly Gifts. A blessing to start the

New Year with.

It is always a great way to start off the New year,

by counting Blessings... and what better way to help

with that than through the gift of Beautiful weather to

appreciate and be grateful for and something to

cherish and look forward to?

I am not sorry to see 2023 come to an end. There were

many mixed blessings sprinkled throughout the year,

trying to focus on the better ones. But as a whole, 2023

was draining, especially in terms financially... as prices

across the spectrum had massively increased to

insanely ridiculous levels. And the prices

everywhere continue to soar further and further

out of control. Only a matter of time before the

entire economy Implodes into itself.

Unsustainable living... things have gone from bad to

much worse in all directions. Being able to take

care of even the barest essentials is a real challenge

and becoming a severe hardship in the process.

All food places have now begun charging

excessively for condiments, and everything

that used to come on the food itself,

is now being charged extra for.

When living on the streets with limited resources and

means to take care of all that is needed, like Food, clothing,

DMV fees (Insurance, Tags, License, Registration, etc.),

gas, vehicle repairs and so much more become much

more challenging to take care of and obtain with the

heavily increasing, never-ending price hikes across

the board. Essentials become luxuries.

We are not designed to live this way. But we are not

given any other choice. As the forced manufactured

inflation continues to rip through our lives like powerful,

devastating storms, living becomes a muted, muffled echo.

So as this New Year begins to unfold, I continue to

spend life in Nature, listening to Nature's chorus

24/7, meditating throughout the day and night,

walking and Nature Hikes providing the best ways

for clarity, for gratitude and strength to continue

taking another breath and the next step forward.

But with all the rain, the walking through and hiking

in Nature is put on hold for the duration, as mud is

slippery and difficult to navigate. Sitting meditation,

reading and writing, when I can find some place out

of the elements, makes the time pass quickly, while

losing myself in the process but I am never lost.

New Year's 2024... Still on the streets.

A continual reminder to be grateful for what I have,

because things could always be worse. Much worse.

In Gratitude.

A Christmas to Remember... 2023

2023-12-25T06:42:00.000-08:00

The Christmas Mirror...

Life on the Streets

Christmas has circled around once again. Another

Mirror Season.... Reflecting back the same, time and

again. My 24^th Christmas and Holiday and Winter

Season without a home. Never should there have

been a single Season outside, without a home and

it has been nearly a quarter of a Century now.

I could fill several libraries with the Volumes of

experience I have from the streets. Witnessing

the un-witnessable, experiencing the unimaginable,

living in a world that few can fathom. A world

that has completely fused itself to my heart,

body and soul, where I cannot say where

I end or where the streets begin, or where

the streets end and I begin... as we have

become interchangeable.

Christmas time on the streets is much like any other

day outside... with the exception of everything and

every place being closed and it is quieter as the

traffic of cars and people have slowed and calmed.

And the air is a different mix than usual...

filled with electric currents that you can feel,

coupled with the quiet calm that settles like fallen

leaves that brings a reverent Hush all around.

No, this is not how I ever wished or hoped to spend

Christmas, or any holiday or any day of the year,

on the streets, without a home as a permanent

resident outside. But this is where every day is

spent, regardless of the time of year or what day

it is or what it represents... Day after day, week

after week, month after month, year after

year, which has turned into DECADES.

It is easy to get lost in the days outside...

Being completely consumed and enveloped whole

by them and immersed within each one. When living

on the streets you become very present of every

moment while at the same time lose yourself

entirely in time's suspension.

With no place to go or be, especially when you need a

place to rest your body when your back wrenches out

on you, making it impossible to get around because the

pain splintering, spidering and ripping you to shreds

with every breath.. My body seizes in rupturing

pain that immobilizes me to a statue,

unable to move, or shift position.

Not being able to do anything or go anywhere,

not like I have any place to go, then made worse

with my back malfunctioning, Hiking will not be

happening this Christmas. But I think back to last

Christmas and the beauty of that hike. I Reflect and

thank the universe for allowing it then. It is rare

to remember Holidays on the streets, but this

is the 2^nd one that I will never forget

I know some were immersed in stormy weather,

some were sun filled and pleasant, and some were

filled with brutal, destructive high winds. But they

have blurred in memory... But not these last two

are crystal clear. I lose count of how many times

my back has gone out on me... several thousand,

and started before birth, my birth, and has

continued its endless assault on me since

then and I still don't know why it happens,

or how. It comes out of nowhere and strikes

without warning. hitting hard and fast.

It makes no difference what I am doing or what

position I am in. Sitting, laying down, walking,

dressing or undressing, pulling on my shoes,

brushing my teeth, picking up a pen...

it doesn't matter.

And this time it hit on Christmas Day. Being on

the streets is challenging enough as it is, but then

my body adding insult to injury, I have no

words to describe how it

affects my life.

Much like the endless, excruciating painful muscle

seizures through my legs and feet that have

happened my entire life. Charlie Horses from hell

that immediately seize my leg and feet muscles

then refusing to release its grip, and leaving

the areas extremely sore, tender and painful.

And since the pain has completely grounded

me this Christmas, I am spending the day

meditating and being thankful.

Another Christmas outside.

Christmas 2023

Thanksgiving - 2023

2023-11-23T19:00:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving on the Streets... 2023

The Gratitude Holiday....

Thanksgiving.... the only Holiday that has THANKS

and GIVING right in the name. As this is my 24^th

Thanksgiving outside, on the streets, I have a

tremendous amount to be thankful for and my

gratitude runs deep. But it has certainly not been

the path or journey I ever dreamed I would be on,

much less be forced to live on permanently. No one

dreams of living on the streets, at least I never did.

Nightmares, yes. But not dreamt of the streets

being “home”.

But Home it has become. Starting the beginning

of this Century and continues to be. Being home,

going home, on the way home... all take on different

meaning when it is on the street. Because there is no

set place, but rather moving (not by choice) regularly.

Having no place to actually call home, when you

have no “Verifiable Proof of Residence”,

the challenges, limits and restrictions of what you

can or cannot do, where you can or cannot go,

increase exponentially.

Playing a live version of Simon Says...

Libraries refusing you access to materials and free

resources. You cannot checkout materials, obtain or

renew a library card without verifiable proof of

residence. Even when you obtained the card prior to

them changing the rules. I had no problem getting

library cards, while living on the streets, until they

changed their rules and no longer allow anyone to

use the library unless they show proof of verifiable

proof of residency. So, I have been refused access

to the library, and cannot renew the cards I

have because they do not allow it.

Denying access to the resources to the ones who

need it the most, and would benefit the most

from, are readily denied the access.

Extremely discriminatory. Refusing access to

free resources that could help you find a

residence, because you do not have a residence.

How is that even legal?

That is just one of millions of examples that

keeps me on the streets. And not fitting the

narrative of what one is supposed to look like,

smell like and behave like when forced to live

outside, without a home, has been met with doors

being repeatedly slammed shut in my face for

not presenting myself in the Stereo-Typical,

commercialized version of what a homeless

person is and how they are supposed to be.

Even so, I have much to be grateful for.

With the gift of my vehicle, I have a thin layer

of protection against the raw elements,

especially as the weather turns into a freezer,

so, I am not covered in Ice, Icy frost, dew, rain...

something I am tremendously grateful for.

And having a vehicle has an added benefit

from being in direct contact with the ground,

especially through the night... all the insects

that come out in droves to feed like parasites

as they affix themselves to your body no

longer has free and ready access to my body

for their feeding frenzy that I was forced to

endure for so long.

Having mobility, even limited, is a precious gift

that I am so grateful for. To be able to carry what

I need and being able to take care of basic needs

is a gift. Something my vehicle allows me to do.

Having been given permission to be where I am by

the chief of police in a couple cities, who personally

gave me permission to be where I stay, has

greatly reduced, if not completely eliminated,

the continual harassment from law enforcement.

It still happens, but nowhere near the constant

intrusions throughout the day and night.

And once they know I have permission

to be there, they pretty much leave me

alone. That in and of itself is a GIFT.

Living on the streets is truly a Tale of Two

Cities.... Seeing the extremes of Humanity,

both the very worst of people, the very

undersides of humanity, and the very best

of humanity. Living on the streets, you

experience the extremes and receive

from across the spectrum.

Being on the receiving end of the worst of the

worst, but also, at times, the very best. Though, the

worst heavily overshadows the best, I do my best to

focus on the best. And the best is certainly

the better example to live by.

Spending Thanksgiving on the streets, my

24^th one outside, is not spent in Traditions...

not in the traditional sense, but I have created

my own tradition; outside, with a stack of books,

that were loaned or given to me, in a park where I

spend the day reading, writing, meditating

and hiking, if weather permits, and making

freshly ground, fresh brewed coffee in

the outdoors, counting my blessings with

every sip, every step and every breath.

Holidays are not a special time for me... and if

I could erase them from the calendars, I would.

Holidays are meant for family and friends.

But for me, they are a time of reflection, a time

of introspection and a time to count the Gifts

all around me, and I lose myself in the process,

while expanding my Self in and through my

heart and immersing myself in the

Heartbeat of nature.

Thanksgiving on the streets.

The Breaking Dawn... 23 Years and Counting

2023-09-01T06:30:00.003-07:00

The Breaking Dawn...

23^rd Anniversary of Living on the Streets...

A Time.... To Reflect

The start of this Century was the Beginnings of a

Journey I never wanted to take, much less be on for the

rest of my life, as a Permanent Resident of the Streets...

The harsh realities of living on the streets, outside, without

a home, is a test of true endurance. Most cannot withstand

the heavy, rigorous life shredding reality that living on the

streets presents... that is why most break with reality.

They just snap into themselves, and can no longer

trust their brain, as it betrays them in the most

devastating ways that are truly unimaginable,

until you are directly in the midst of it.

The harsh rigors of living in the Raw 24/7 eats away

at your heart and soul, taking a tremendously hard

toll on your body, your health and your life.

You must have a strong foundation and foundational core,

or you will crack hard and splinter in ways that can never

be mended and healed again. At the breaking point is

the start of where insanity truly begins. I have seen it

happen and witnessed when the point

of no return unfolded.

Living on the streets, you must be able to bend and

move within the restrictive constraints street life forces

upon you. But the majority are not able to adjust to the

harsh reality of being on the streets and turn to any

methods they can to suspend that reality by using and

abusing drugs, alcohol, smoking cigarettes, pot and

assorted other life destroying substances

and inhaling methods.

Mentally, Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually.... you need

to care for you, every part of you, living on the streets, to a

much greater degree than when you are supported with a

physical home that offers safety and protection, because

that is not there outside in the open where everything

and anything can, and often does, happen without

warning.

Living outside leaves you vulnerable in every

regard, and your body has been turned inside out

like a live wire. You live in Survival Mode, 24/7,

every moment of every day, and night without end.

We are used regularly as people's target practice just

for being present and visible. And our very presence

brings out the worst of the worst of humanity, with

rare exception, while our very presence has

become a crime for not having a home.

Not welcome wherever you are, or where you go,

and cannot be where you are. Unlivable lives merely

existing where you are not allowed to BE and

have nowhere to go.

Out in the elements with no protection, all the bugs

greedily feeding on you through the night, using

you as their personal buffet, anytime, leaving their

marks like tattoos all over your body.

Facing this for a few days is taxing, but having to face

this for not just days on end, or weeks on end, or months

on end... but when you are facing this Permanently,

as the days, weeks, months and years turn into DECADES

and your daily diet consists of this, it does affect you, in

absolutely everything you do and how you do it.

It not only affects your thoughts, your body, your

health... but consumes your entire life. Living on the

streets embeds into every fiber of your being like

a Cyborg, where the streets literally

become who you are.

Your edges harden and sharpen, you learn to stop

reaching out to others for help or support, especially

when it comes to the so-called “Service Providers”,

who are there in name only. They receive massive

amounts of funding to help those outside, without a

home, without the safety or protection of having a

solid foundation... But only “help” those who

choose to destroy their lives through substance

abuse, nicotine, narcotics, alcohol or are illegal

immigrants or have dependent children.

They are not there for those of us that do not fit into

their narrative of who can and will receive “help”.

That is why, decade after DECADE, the Outdoor

arena remains my living space. I do not drink, or smoke,

or use or abuse drugs, I am not an illegal immigrant

and have no dependent children. As the chasms widen

further and extend farther away, I have fallen

further and deeper through the cracks.

I never developed, or even made the attempt to try,

any of the life destroying habits that so many choose

just to receive the most dismal of "assistance”. I have

never been an experimenter with my body or my

health. No drugs, no drinking, no smoking of any

kind, no tattoos, no body piercings, no hair dyeing,

perming, straightening, bleaching, coloring... I have

never fit the paradigm through any stage of life.

And I never have and never will fit the paradigm

of the stereotypical, commercialized version

of what homeless individuals are supposed

to look like, be like, act like or smell like.

So living through, or rather still existing, around the

periphery of life as my 23^rd anniversary of being

forced to live on the streets has circled

back to another year.

Not an anniversary I have ever wanted to experience,

and not one that should have ever happened, but

did and the years continue to add up.

Twenty-Three years in this Century.... and

twenty-three years (...and counting) of life

without a home that all started by and through

the illegal actions of a despicable landlord that I

have been forced to pay the price for.

Life on the streets...

A Challenging Life, to

say the least

Birthday Notes...

2023-08-15T08:37:00.000-07:00

Birthdays to Myself...

Birthdays... this is my 22^nd Birthday on the street.

Just another irrelevant day, another forgotten day.

And when they pass each year, living on the

streets, they come and go without fanfare,

A day that should be scratched from Existence...

my life being erased before my eyes on the streets.

Marking my 22^nd birthday on the streets, with the

23^rd anniversary looming just days away... while

heading into my 24^th Holiday and Winter Season

outside. Never realizing that when I was forced

into this Season.... that it would be Permanent.

You lose yourself on the streets, and get lost

in the debris of humanity and

the undersides of life.

Spending the day in Nature and listening to her song;

while walking through her Beauty all around, meditating

and reading. How most of my days are spent, regardless

of the day. Living on the streets, every day is a mirror image

of all the ones before, and all the ones to come. The only

things that give any indication that anything is different is

the weather and the temperatures, the colors of the

seasons' cycles, otherwise, each day is exactly like

all the other days, days and nights blending

seamlessly into each other.

Time has no meaning on the streets. Two o'clock in the

afternoon may as well be seven o'clock in the morning.

5:00 AM or 10:30 PM....time is fluid and bendable,

contracting, expanding... or stopping altogether,

disappear, reappear and flow faster.

My one and only Birthday wish... is to finally awake

from the nightmare of living on the streets and

find that it was just that, a Nightmare where

time suspended completely and life itself restarted

as I wake from the dream world, with all the

lessons learned, everything I taught myself

remaining intact, while the hard corrosion

of life on the streets vanishing like

it never happened.

Another birthday on the streets... Another day,

like any other, on the streets as the nightmare

I cannot wake from continues to run...

Not a Birthday Gift I ever dreamed of

having or receiving...

Birthday notes to myself...

Happy Birthday

The Bowels of Life...

2023-07-02T15:45:00.008-07:00

The Bowels of Life...

Life on the Street

Living on the streets... means living in the sewers of

the gutters of life. When you are forced out to the street,

it is literally being sent into the Bowels of life itself.

No crueler punishment.

Life being turned upside down, and inside out, going from living

to barely existing, in the shadows, and becoming shadowy statues

that no longer exist in any meaningful way, where you are not

allowed to be where you are, no matter where you happen

to be. Your presence is “Illegal” and your criminal activity

is merely being visible. Where you are hard to miss,

but easy to ignore, as we are not seen as

Living, breathing, Feeling Beings.

Days lose their meaning and no longer has any

value, as every day looks and feels like all the rest,

While Your very life becomes an Intrusion.

You witness, experience, endure things no one should

as a direct result of being forced to live on the streets.

Living on the streets, you quickly become an afterthought

that is Beside the point. Those moveable, shadowy icons...

shadow statues, where Learning how to live when you are not

allowed to BE anywhere. You the learn the fine art of

Invisibility, becoming part of the Scenery, blending in so well,

that it is hard to tell where one ends and the other begins.

Part of the Landscape, that was painted and sculpted

in place, losing your “Human” status when living on the street.

For some reason, when you no longer have that Verifiable,

Proof of Living in a Residence, you are no longer seen or

Viewed as a Living, Breathing Human Being.

You literally cease to exist in the truest sense

when you no longer have those walls surrounding

you and the roof overhead. You lose your “Living”

status. Diminished, restricted, confining...

Invisibility has become my Specialty.

Collecting dust like a Shadow Box on the wall.

Yet, we are not to be seen or heard from. You find yourself

searching for LIFE.... and how to find your way back inside of it,

and back inside. But instead of finding your way back inside,

you find yourself sucked into a Black Hole that becomes

Vacuum Sealed that swallows you WHOLE.

You are blamed for things that have taken place, for what's

going on and happening or has happened... just being in the

vicinity is proof enough that we are to blame for the standing

discarded trash, the thefts, robberies, assaults, vandalism...

Discarded as waste, where the Human element

is completely removed.

You are repeatedly lied to by “Service Providers”, the police,

and organizations that are supposed to be there to help.

Your integrity is always held suspect and questioned.

When anything happens to you and you report it, the

reports are “misfiled” and lost, discarded into the trash,

because after all... what do you expect “putting yourself out

here like that?” Yeah, like something I did, not something

I was forced into. I did not choose to be out here,

but have been forced to become a permanent resident

of the streets because of the illegal actions of a

despicable landlord, paying the price for his

illegal actions against me.

No one dreams of living on the streets, especially

not as a permanent resident, yet, those are the only dreams

I have now... living on the street because I have been out

here nearly half my life, and nearly a Quarter of a Century,

merely existing around the periphery of life itself.

On the exhaust fumes of Humanity.

You get sucked into the depths of the Black Hole

of the streets... Living on the streets takes a

tremendous toll on your body, heart, mind and soul...

in the most devastating ways that are literally

unimaginable, that is until you are living it and

experiencing every moment of it.

Living on the streets ages you decades.... long before

nature would. And does so, unsparingly. . I went from

being carded all the time, to automatically being given

“Senior Discounts” without knowing it until I received the

receipts and checked it. It is one of the hazards of being

forced to live in a circumstance not of your choosing

and not having the rest or nutrition your body needs and

requires, but is readily deprived of. Everyone now assumes

I am a Senior Citizen, giving me 'Senior” discounts

automatically, never asking me if I am, yet continually

“carded” by the police just being present, minding my

own business and some jerk calls in on me for that

very fact, just being present and visible.

The challenge of finding restrooms to use...

of just taking care of essentials. Of finding food.

Safe places to stay through the night... is an

endless cycle that just loops and repeats, and

fully consumes every moment of your day.

Being out in the elements every moment of the

day and all through the night, every day of the year

takes a tremendously hard toll on your body,

on your health, on your life and in all you do.

A permanent wardrobe is wrapped around you living on

the streets... but not of clothes. But one of Labels, categories,

classifications, etc. You are grouped as a whole that affects

everything you do and everywhere you go. Living on the

streets colors everything you do. It consumes your life,

follows you in your dreams, while you live every moment of

your life on the Public's Movie Screen, where admission

is always free to the movie goers, at Our Expense.

Carrying the weight of Life, and your Life

with you every step.

Your life and every facet of it becomes Public Domain.

Where privacy has been completely erased in every

regard, no matter how private your business. Everything,

absolutely Everything, you do is on the Public Movie

Screen of Life. Where nothing is off limits.

And your life is Swallowed Whole into and through

The Bowels of Life living on the streets.

New Year's Day 2023 - A Gift

2023-01-03T06:30:00.015-08:00

The Gift...2023

New Year's Day

New Year's Day Dawned a Beautiful Gift, bright and CLEAR,

opened and started with blue skies in all directions.

The New Year unfolded as a Gift. Giving us a much

needed break, however slight, from the

endless onslaught of pounding rains.

The morning arose chilled, but quickly warmed

with the bright welcome heat of the sun. Temps rose

to the 60s and turned out to be so Beautiful.

A Gift before the heavy, endless and relentless rains

once again settled in for another long residency, one

that is more violent and unleashes extreme fury. At least

we were given that Beautiful day as the New Year

rolled over from the previous one.

As Mother Nature throws more Temper-tantrums,

upgraded to the worst level... As she releases her

Violent, Furious temper, it brings out tempers all around.

And is so draining. The harsh weather wears you out.

Mother Nature's long rampage has left and is leaving

deep, devastating destruction in her wake. Endless

flooding, widespread damage...Iconic places; Piers,

Restaurants, and others, completely wiped out.

Demolished. With the relentless, endless heavy,

hard torrential rains and winds that have and continue

to pummel us with Atmospheric Rivers they refer to as

“The Pineapple Express”. But there were no Pineapples.

Nothing sweet about the storms ripping through.

Yet, the so-called “Experts” continue to claim

we remain in Severe Drought, despite the heavy

hammering of flooding waters from the torrential rains.

Claiming no amount of water will be enough.

It's as though the Universe has completely upended

the Entire(ty) of the oceans and reversed it upside down

over our heads... How long does it take to drain and

empty the ocean turned upside down?

End over end? We're finding out.

An ocean with no bottom and never drains...

upended and overturned over our heads. One of the most,

if not the most destructive, damaging winters we have had

here. Widespread damage from the heavy, endless hard rains.

Where most everything now is under water... and yet the

rains continue to fall. Taken up A permanent residency.

Experiencing weeks and weeks of unsettled weather,

leaving everything and everyone unsettled in

its wake along with it all.

More than a month and a half of brutal, battering storm

systems, one on top of another. Leaving us battle

worn and weary. Streets blockaded, trails locked and

gated. Roofs collapsing, Beaches wiped out,

Piers gone. While More and more of our lives are

becoming inaccessible. More and more are being

forced to evacuate their lives and livelihood.

But I have found the humor in it.... it took some time,

years actually. But I can see the light through it.

This is my 23^rdWinter outside. And it took years for

me to find the humor in Life itself. Since birth, it has

always felt, looked and tasted like a cruel punishment.

And most of the time, still does. Especially being

forced to live as a permanent resident of the streets.

The weather makes living and life on the street

so much more challenging. In all regard.

Making it difficult, if not downright impossible,

to go anywhere. And even though I now have

a “roof” over my head, though not a dry roof,

as all the doors and trunk rains inside, soaking

not only me, but the floor and all my things as well.

Which brings about a whole other set of issues

to contend with. But I am still in the direct contact

with the weather. Having to go outside in the rain and

wind to get to the bathrooms to clean up, which are

flooded with standing water inside, and back out

in the weather to the car. Having to get out in the

weather to take care of any personal needs.

And weather-wise, this year has been one of the hardest

ones to endure, outside without a home. But has it been

one of the worst ones on the streets? It's Definitely high

on that list!! But it has been hard and challenging.

As for New Year's Resolutions.... I do not

participate. That nonsense has never made sense to me.

And being forced to live as a permanent resident

of the streets, what is the point?

But my goals, if you will, remain the same; survival.

It would be so nice to no longer have to struggle for purchase

and agency in life... a life where I have never been welcome,

to just roll over and be done. Never having to worry about

being forced to leave just for being present and having literally

no place to go, where to go, if you'll be safe through the

night, if, what, how or where you will eat. Not having to

worry about if you will ever have a real home, a place

of privacy and shelter, where I can finally just BE.

Not have to worry about anything, anymore. And I

will no longer have to live in survival mode 24/7.

Service providers are there in name only. And having

no resources, well... Dreams can only take you so far...

until you awaken. But mine only circle back on life on the

streets. I cannot even picture being in a home, a real home,

again. Living and breathing the streets every moment

for nearly half a century now, that is what my dreams are

about. I can no longer feel what a home feels like.

Not looking forward to this year, this New Year,

as it unfolds. Having nowhere to turn or go.

Life, if one could call being a moving shadow a LIFE,

remains as it has, no matter how hard I reach up for

purchase, I have no agency to pull out and have a life

that Matters. No matter how much I struggle or let go,

Life continues to hold me in the Boxing Match.

Life remains... regardless of the New Year.

2022 Will Not Be Missed...

2022-12-31T19:17:00.005-08:00

Closing the Year..2022

As this year comes to a close, I cannot say it will be

a missed year. It has truly been a mixed year of Blessings.

It has been a really Raw year, overall. With bits of

good tossed into the mix here and there. And so,

so very draining, especially financially.

It's been A difficult year, to say the least. Beyond

Challenging in every regard. And with this being

my 23^rd Winter and Holiday season outside, on the

streets, life has become all consuming and all

absorbing merely existing on the streets, living around

the periphery of life and society, a moving shadow.

For most of this year, my vehicle was not running,

so I was on foot. I was given permission to stay where

I was by the Pleasanton Police Department, who then Forced

me to leave shortly after, claiming to have received “Dozens and

Dozens of Complaints about me”... When I was not even there,

my vehicle parked correctly, out of the way, and not

bothering anyone and the police force me to leave, to preserve

their Superficiality for the Soccer Crowd that the police

department bow down to and allow them to control

how the city looks and presents itself.

Instead of helping, the police just made things

tremendously worse. Having no money to repair my vehicle,

and the police department offering no help or support,

the community around me reached out to help get my vehicle

moveable again, which I am so deeply grateful for their help and

support. None of the so-called Service Organization would help,

no matter how many times I reached out to them. I received

nothing but silence from them, and LIES from the police.

My Respect and Trust with the Pleasanton Police Department

has been completely destroyed by their actions and them

not standing behind their promises of help and support,

not standing behind what they say they would do, then

making accusations against me when I reached out

for the support and help they were offering and them

changing what they said, even though I have proof

of the help and support they were claiming to

offer through emails and texts.

Then they unlawfully, unethically and unconstitutionally

recorded me, a private citizen, when they came over to

force me to leave, after giving me permission to be where

I was, under the guise of it being for the Officers' “Safety”,

when they know I pose no threat. I requested, repeatedly,

that they not record me, which they ignored.

Taking away my rights in the process.

Life made even more challenging having to contend with the

excessively high and Extreme increase of Inflation, which is

making life Unsustainable in every regard. The out of control

price increases that continue to spiral up... up... up with no

end in sight. Taking care of even the most basic

necessities becomes an extreme challenge.

Unsustainable living that has become a burden... and has

become the norm; having to choose what to purchase; food or

gas or personal hygiene or...whatever else is needed,

which then becomes a Luxury.

This year has been rough and sharp-sworded.

But there has also been so much to be grateful for.

Like having a vehicle now that offers some protection

from the inclement weather and elements, so I am not

directly in it, but it rains inside the vehicle around all the

door frames, the driver side being the worst, of course.

And I am grateful for the Mobility I now have that has

been restored and for the safety my vehicle affords me.

I am So grateful to have the roof over my head,

though not a dry one in the rain, I have a ROOF.

Granted, a Mobile roof... that moves with me, but

still a roof over my head. So that makes this winter

season slightly easier to bear in some ways, harder

and much more challenging in other ways, having no

heat or air and with the additional expenses the vehicle

requires that I have no help with and on a very fixed,

limited income to take care of it all; GAS, Tags, License,

SMOG, Registration, Insurance, Repairs and the like.

The weather has turned on end... stormy weather

for the past month, ending the year in heavy, hard

rains and wind that has been non-stop and constant,

ending the year under the weather and the New Year

is carrying it over and continuing where 2022

ended off, 2023 is picking up and starting with,

already under the weather as the New Year begins.

Having to be out in it, 24/7, even inside my vehicle,

is a hard toll. Limits where I can go with so many

places being flooded from the continual, non-stop

Atmospheric Rivers that have been running

endlessly overhead, turning every place

into lakes and rivers where driving is

greatly decreased and walking not an option.

Living on the streets is the true meaning of Hardship.

Another year that will not be missed. And more of

my life and history being erased. The physical challenges,

especially being physically challenged and female,

the heavy financial drain... being forced to live

outside, without a home, indefinitely...

certainly not the life I imagined.

Life on the streets is brimming with Darkness.

And living on the streets... Decade after DECADE,

your spirits plummet and spiral down into

Unfathomable Depths...

Finding light in the Depths.... slivers come through.

How do you give thanks and be grateful being

forced to live indefinitely as a permanent resident

on the streets? Finding Grace begins with becoming a

Silent Witness instead of a reactive participant. Being filled

with gratitude when those rare hidden treasures of

Human Angels invite you into their home to do some

laundry, or ask you to house or pet sit while they are away,

a few days, trusting you with their treasures as you care for

what they treasure. That is what has helped so much

as this year closes. The community that has reached

out to me to offer help and support.

They have been my Silver Lining.

So I remind myself to keep breathing, in and out,

in and out. Every moment throughout the day

and each night. Focusing on the light.

This year is finally coming to a close and it cannot

end fast enough. Cannot say I am looking forward

to the New Year, but I know this year is not one

that will be missed at all. So may the New Year

unfold in surprising, supportive ways that

give me reason to B R E A T H E.

Christmas on the Street... 2022

2022-12-25T07:00:00.001-08:00

Christmas on the Streets...

2022

As the Yule Tide time of year rolls around again, the

excitement that used to fill me up no longer exists. This is

my 23^rd Christmas on the streets. Hopes repeatedly dashed.

Being drained more and more with each passing

Season left to Rot outside, without a home.

Seeing life pass me by, year after year, decade after DECADE....

This is supposed to be the most Joyous part of the year, but I

cannot even tell you what Joy is. I have never felt it, never

experienced it. I used to believe in Magic and Miracles...

But after being forced to erode season after endless

season on the streets... I no longer do.. I Have no reason to.

For this entire Century, hope has faded more with each passing

moment... and every moment has turned into Survival.

If I could erase the Holidays, and the entire Winter season,

I would do so in a heartbeat. But the next best thing is to

read and write the Holidays away. They are easier to bare that way.

And then they are packed up and put away for another year, like

all the lights, decorations and ornaments.

And if weather permits, I spend the day hiking and in

meditation, where at least it feels the chaos is left

far behind, for a moment or two.

Twenty-Three Seasons that have been erased from my life...

twenty-three seasons that life has blurred together and fused

into a single moment in time, where everything has frozen

and remained the same. Twenty-Three Seasons that my life

never mattered, but for a brief moment here and there.

And that was only to move me out of sight.

What does LIFE mean, when you are never allowed to

actually live, in any capacity, just forced to move

from one place to the next?

Not welcome to BE... or ALLOWED

to just BE. Ever.

Another draining season as the streets have

completely consumed every fiber of my being.

Every thought, action, motion.... every dream... and

every breath Has been erased and replaced with life on

the streets. Stripped bare and laid raw, scraped

out and turned inside-out. 24/7.

So when the Holidays come I feel no Joy or Magic, just a

complete sense of dread as the nightmare continues. One

I have never been able to wake from.

Holidays hold no celebrations... not on the streets.

No parties, no festivities... no meaning. And it has become

something I dread when the Holidays approach. Actually

really hate this time of year, now. Being Excluded

from Life is never more noticeable or more readily

apparent than during the Holidays. But on the streets,

the Holidays are just another day in the life

of living, or rather barely existing, on the streets.

Nothing special. It just means every place is closed, so

finding some place to cleanup becomes more challenging.

As does finding food. Having to cleanup in freezing, icy-cold

waters hurts. Having to be out in the freezing

temperatures of the season is painful.

Homeless people are not treated as Valued and Treasured

members of the Human Species. The Homeless do not

fit into Society's Narrative. And instead of helping,

society makes things a million-fold worse by

calling the cops on us just for being present

and having literally no place to go, and when the

cops arrive, they Harass and demand our information and

then force us to leave.... the vicious cycle continues endlessly.

Because we are not Valued or Treasured,

but rather treated quite cruelly and

discarded like trash. Much like the internet

trolls who hide behind their screen to

unleash their Inhumanity making the meanest,

cruelest comments. So are they like that towards

the Homeless, but do so In Person.

Holidays on the streets. Holidays like

Thanksgiving and Christmas are family

Holidays. And when you have no one in your

life... No family, no one to share the time with,

it becomes moot.

The programs and Organizations that are supposed to be there

to “Help”, are created to FAIL. They are created to only

see the problem(s), so they only focus on the problem(s).

And the cycle viciously continues, endlessly. Because

they are always focused on the problem, the problem

only gets worse. They never ask what it is I need,

only what they want, how they want, where they want.

Telling us what to do, where to go, how to live our

lives. So everyone becomes nothing but problems to be “Fixed”.

And treated like Generic Versions of the same.

They show complete disregard for how their decisions

about and over our lives affects our lives.

How their decisions for other people's lives impact the lives

of others.

Their “Solution” is the biggest problem of all.

But the Community has stepped up to the plate,

showing up and being the Blessings that the so-called

Service Organizations never will be.

The Community asks “How Can We HELP...?” And

then they listen and fill needs to be met. They have given

me so much support and so much to be deeply thankful for.

My appreciation, respect and trust in the Community has

risen exponentially, while my trust and respect for the

Organizations, Churches, Service Providers and Law

Enforcement has vanished completely.

I am deeply grateful to the Community for their

support and Beautiful Generosity. Helping me

make it through another Season outside, without a home.

Another Christmas on the Streets... and Counting.

Thanksgiving Traditions.. On the Streets

2022-11-24T07:00:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving Traditions... On the Streets

Thanksgiving Day

2022

Traditions are different when you live on the street.

Especially in regard to Holiday Traditions.

But my tradition for the Holidays, when everything

is closed, remains the same, year-in, year-out.

I take a large stack of books and a few notebooks

with several writing instruments, and depending

on the weather, I will find a nice, quiet place in

nature, reading and writing the day away.

And if weather permits, spend a good bit of the

day hiking and taking in the Beauty of the

Season. The rich, Vibrant colors... the crisp

air, the seasoned wood burning from the

chimneys. Bringing a heart-nourishing

Solice to my spirit. Meditating with

every breath and every step along the way.

Having no one to share things with... having

no place to go and no place to Just BE.

Holidays hold nothing special for me, they are

just another day in the life of... living

on the streets. The only difference being

every place is closed on Holidays.

Otherwise, they are just like every day

of the year. Just quieter. The chaos

suspended for a moment...

This has been a challenging, devastating

year in so many ways. But there has also

been amazing gifts of Hope and Love.

I am trying to keep my focus on the

good that has happened, but the bad

continues to overshadow it, pulling me

in both directions simultaneously.

Actively having to focus on the good,

because the natural Default settles

on the bad. So, I am counting my

Blessings. They really add up, if you

take the time to really count them.

Enduring my 23^rd Thanksgiving outside.

Twenty-Three Seasons sitting on the

Outskirts of Society, of Humanity... of

L I F E. Twenty-Three seasons of not

being embraced by life, but rather

discarded and kicked Hard to the side.

We all face challenges. We all face battles.

I have experienced them all in this lifetime.

Which should completely clear any Karmic

Debt I have been forced to pay throughout

my life, especially my life having to live

on the streets this entire Century.

I have much to be Grateful for, which I am.

But feeling gratitude every moment when

life keeps Gut Punching me, is difficult, to

say the least. I am grateful for what I

have, and grateful to have what I need.

Another Thanksgiving on the Streets...

The Tradition Continues.

Thanksgiving Notes..

2022-11-08T19:14:00.003-08:00

Thanksgiving Notes...

From a Life on the Streets...

Life can definitely take a cruel, hard turn at any

moment. And leave you reeling for the rest of

your life. I have had moments like this.

Many moments... And one of the Cruelest

I have been hit with and left with, was being forced

to live, or rather merely exist, in the shadows of

the Periphery of Society, of Humanity, and

of Life itself. Being forced out onto the

streets by and through the illegl actions from

a despicable landlord was the cruel, hard turn

I was never prepared for. And no amount

of training could prepare anyone to live

permanently without a home as I have been.

Heading into My 23^rd Holiday and Winter

Season of being forced to live on the streets. A sentence

that should be reserved only for the cruelest of

humanity as punishment for their crimes.

I no longer look forward to the Holidays, to

Winters and all the unbalanced weather.

Holidays used to hold a special place in my

heart... as the air turned more electric and pulsed

with its own heartbeat... and the Season would fill

with magic. Hearts were softened, grudges were

put aside, there was less judgement.

But that has long since passed... and the air has

become toxic with Hate and Anger, Fear and War.

A Culture that now stews and brews, marinating

in grudges and disagreements.

Spending Holidays, and endless Seasons

on the streets takes a tremendous toll on every

fiber of your being and is beyond Draining.

And there is no Celebrating... No feeling

of belonging, not involved and included,

especially when it comes to Holidays.

Holidays become just another day on the streets...

feel exactly the same as every other day of the

year. The Fairy Dust that the Holidays

used to be filled with has long since vanished and

lost its Magic. I dread Holidays now. Have for

a Long time. But I still want to believe

they hold Promise... And Hope.

That there is Always a Better

to come about at some point;

Better Circumstances, Better Living

Arrangements.... Hope that Life itself will

finally be GOOD.

Even though I have no excitement

toward the Holidays and no longer look

forward to any of them... I am Grateful

to have what I need, for the moment.

I am filled with Gratitude for all

the incredible help and support from

the Community I have received all year.

Helping me with Water, with necessities,

with my vehicle. Restoring my mobility to a

greater degree. For allowing me into their

Homes to care for their lives, their plants and

their cherished pets... Trusting me with

all they treasure. I am deeply grateful.

Living on the streets, Holidays look

nothing like the Commercialized Versions that so

many take for granted, because so many

have those same versions they adopted, so they

look and feel like what people expect.

But on the streets, there are no expectations.

No Holiday Traditions, no schedules, no

meals to make... On the streets, Holidays

are just another day unfolding like all the

others and start and end just like every day

of the year.

I am Thankful

Anniversaries... Living on the Streets

2022-09-01T07:30:00.002-07:00

Anniversary Editions...

Living on the Streets

Twenty-Second Anniversary on the Streets

Life without Parole is what it feels like being forced to live

as a Permanent Resident on the streets. A Residence not of my

choosing, and much like prison, I was forced out here, but it

was not through my actions that put me here, but rather

through and by the actions of a Despicable landlord, whose

illegal activities has punished me for what he did.

I am forced to pay the consequences of his actions against

me. And that price has devastated my life, my health, who I

am as a person. And has changed me in ways that I never

wanted to. Your life literally ceases to exist living on

the streets. Support, Love, Connection, Community....

all vanish from your life, that is if you ever had it to begin

with. Finding out how to BE when you are not allowed to

even be Present. You find out what True Discrimination

and Harassment is from personal experience.

Life becomes Unimaginable, Unlivable, Unsustainable.

Living in the Raw every moment of every day and

all through the night. Your Life and History being

erased before your very eyes. Yet, all your personal

information repeatedly taken from you at every turn.

Your life becomes nothing more than your digits,

and nothing more.

This Century, this Entire Century has been spent

outside, on the streets, without the safety and comfort of

a home. Nearly a Quarter of a Century Outside.

22 Years and counting.... Heading into my 23^rdWinter and

Holiday Season. Wiping out nearly half my life in the process.

As the colder temperatures start coming through, cleaning

up takes on a more challenging role... having to wash up

in Icy Cold waters in the Freezing temperatures.

Another Anniversary of life on the streets. And another

year I do not look forward to attending. Echoes of

life can no longer be felt. The streets consuming

my very existence. And one of the Worst things about

being forced to live outside is the constant threat and

presence of Cops... they are not there to help when anything

happens, but to make sure you know your very presence is not

welcome no matter where you are. And every interaction

is Unconstitutionally recorded, Unlawfully recorded, Unethically

recorded. Against my will and without my consent, they record

and video every movement, every word, every action...

Knowing FULL well I pose no threat. A physically challenged

Homeless Female, whose only crime is that of Being Present.

So as the Days, Weeks, Months, Years and DECADES

pass living on the street, looking forward to anything has

ceased altogether. Another Anniversary, the 22^nd one, when

there never should have been a Single one.

I have never fit the Stereo-typical, Commercialized version

of what a Homeless person is “Supposed” to be like...

But unfortunately, that is the Image that all the Service

Providers look for, and have all the “Help and Support” for.

But they do not have the services needed for those who do

not fit in that role; I do not drink, or smoke, or use drugs.

I am not an Illegal Immigrant or have Dependent Children.

They only focus on the Problem(s), which only make

things much worse and amplified a Million-fold.

Years, and years and years... slipped by without notice, without

warning. Just G O N E!! As one Anniversary quickly turned

into TWENTY-TWO just like that. And Still counting...

Anniversaries on the Street...

A Community Of HOPE.. Birthday Blessings

2022-08-15T18:12:00.002-07:00

A Community of Hope..

Birthday Dreams and Blessings...

As this is my 21^st Birthday outside, on the streets... Birthdays

are not Something I look forward to, much like Holidays on the

streets. And this birthday was no exception. But it has turned

into a month, and year, of blessings and gifts brought my way.

Birthday Notes...

Another Birthday Year on the Streets

Twenty-one Birthdays now outside. Twenty-first Birthday of life

on the streets. Not something that gives me cause to Celebrate.

Living on the streets is not the gift I would hope to receive,

and not one I would wish for.

But I have so much to be grateful for... so many Gifts of Love

brought to my life and to my heart, time and time again.

So many of the Community have reached out to offer support,

so many have shown they cared and that I Matter.

Especially after the Police Department Forced me to leave,

after giving me Permission to be where I was. The Community

stepped up to the Plate in a Huge way.

Most of this year has been on foot when the vehicle I

received as a Donation, that would at the very

least, finally give me a roof over my head, broke down,

leaving me stranded, quite literally, on the freeway.

But the Community rallied around me and helped

in ways I could never repay. They helped to restore

my mobility and get my vehicle running, once more.

It still has issues, but it is Running... and I can move it when

I need to, which allows me to take care of some personal business, be

able to get to some appointments, take care of needs and essentials,

for the most part. And that alone is a tremendous blessing

and something I am deeply grateful for.

Along with helping me so much with my vehicle, the community

has reached out even further with extending me offers

to house sit and pet sit while they are away for a few days,

here and there. Trusting me because of the way their dogs

respond to me. I met most, if not all of the community,

because of their dogs, who insisted on coming to say hi

to me. Animals are excellent people readers, and people

trust their pets' insticnts... and in turn, trust me as a result.

I don't take that lightly. And am deeply honored and grateful

for all the help I have received. I found out Angels are REAL,

and do exist. And these Angels presented themselves as a

Community. A Community of Love, Support, Healing...

And not only has the Community stepped up and offered so

much help, but other neighboring Police Departments found out

how I was treated by the one who forced me to leave and

offered refuge in their cities, giving me permission to stay

and be left alone. And the Community continues to

reach out to me.. Offering House Sits and Pet Sitting

opportunities with greater frequency and allowing me to park

in their driveways and in front of their Homes when the need arises

and the cops force me to leave for just being present. When I am

doing nothing wrong, not breaking any laws,

not harming anyone, just minding my own

business, usually reading or writing...

The Community has awakened the Beauty of who most

people are at their Core. People filled with Heart,People who care

and want to help. But that has not been my experience for most

of my residency on the streets. But thanks to this Community,

they have made this a Memorial Birthday year.

This Birthday, and year, is a Treasured Gift!