Writing My Wrongs

My Love

2012-07-12T19:00:00.000-07:00

When rain falls outside the window
The hidden memories drench my heart
The person I thought I forgot,
Your face floats up clearer in my head

My love, my love, my love that I long for
My love, who I call out as loud as I can but can't hear me
My love, my love, my love that I miss
Just your name alone cuts me, my painful love, my love

When the darkness comes outside the window
The hidden memories light up my heart

The moments we laughed together
The moments we shed tears together
Now I'm left alone but -

My love, my love, my grateful love
My love, who will remain even if I lose everything about me
My love, my love, my precious love
I will cherish you until my breath runs out, my love, my love

Although You've Turned Away

2012-07-06T20:48:00.000-07:00

You said let's separate and you're hurrying
As if you want to want to stay away from me faster
Although I asked you if we could start over so many times,
No no were the same replies…

As if we never loved from the beginning
You, say that you can live, but
The fact is I can't

Though we are broken now,
Though you turn away
I trust that you'll come back again

Because I can't do anything
Though my tears fall
The day that you return
I'll stand, smiling in your presence…

I want to stay a little longer but I guess it's not you...
You keep on passing off the words I am saying right now

You say that we won't be able to talk to each other
And you try to turn around but
I can't do that

Though we are broken now,
Though you turn away
I trust that you'll come back again

Because I can't do anything
Though my tears fall
The day that you return
I'll stand, smiling in your presence…

There are a lot of good words…but why do you speak so harshly
I love you more than you think you know

Though we are broken now, (Though I an broken)
Though you turn away
I trust that you'll come back again (I'll trust that)

Because I can't do anything (Because I can't do anything)
Though my tears fall
The day that you return
I'll stand, smiling in your presence…

Lost

2012-07-06T20:41:00.000-07:00

Right now, I feel like giving up.
The dreams I had of my younger days
of love to be thrown away when
a nice person, a kind person was all I looked for.

You opened my eyes to love.
To know that I have these feelings,
that I am capable of loving too...

Thanks to you, I realized.
But now knowing you,
I don't know how I'll forget you...

As much as you filled my heart,
and to escape through the empty spaces...
it's all too unfamiliar and strange.
Like a lost child not knowing where to go,
I'm just repeating my steps.

You opened my eyes to love.
To know that I have these feelings,
that I am capable of loving too...

Thanks to you, I realized.
But now knowing you,
I don't know how I'll forget you...

My heart is still
trying to recover but can't.

Confession of a Friend

2012-07-06T20:25:00.000-07:00

It's been a while
since my heart has been changing,
since I've been dealing with it lonesome..
every time you came back,
I hated the guy that made you cry

I'd rather protect you,
although I don't know if it will make it better...

This time I'll hold you and love you
is what I thought

Baby, come to me now
And be my lady
I've watched you for so long
I stand here with no words,
hiding my pitiful heart.

As a friend, to remain as friends,
I had to push the confessions down my throat
But now I'll confess to you,
I love you...

You hold my heart and tell me you only have me
Keeping me as a friend,
you say it's a blessing
Whenever you say let's never change,
I had to push my feelings down

It might be best if I protect you,
not knowing if it will be better

I kept hearing it but I kept cool
I was too scared to lose you, but...

Baby come to me now
And be my lady
I've watched you for too long
I stand here with no words,
hiding my pitiful heart (No)

As a friend (Your friend), to remain as friends (I know),
I had to push the confessions down my throat (The overflowing words)

That confession I have to hold it in (I couldn't say it)
But now I'll confess to you,
I love you...

Stars, Stars, Stars

2012-07-05T14:31:00.000-07:00

No matter how many times I look at your pictures, I can't see you.
Because of the tears in my eyes, all because of you
My crying face that's reflected on these spread letters
I promised myself I wouldn't cry, but I'm crying again

What do I do? (I don't know what to do, what to do)
This is me, (I don't know why I'm going crazy like this)
All because of you (really because of you)
I can't do anything

I love you as much as there are stars, stars, stars in the sky
I came to find you, you're that far shining star
Stars, stars, stars, no matter what I say
I really can't express myself
I'm frustrated now, what should I do?

No matter how many times I count, I can't see the end of this pain
Because of all the memories that are in my heart, I think of you again.
I couldn't say everything I wanted to, so I say them to myself
I want you back, I want to be by your side

I'm pleading to you, (please, I'm pleading to you)
To the sky (my prayers go up to the sky)
Cheer me up, where are you now?

Stars, stars, stars, talk to me
Is it over? Is that it?
Answer me, don't just keep laughing

Stars, stars, stars, I'm pleading to you
Just for once my love, let me fly to your side

Stars, stars, stars, oh baby
I love you as much as the stars, stars, stars in the sky
I came to find you, you're that far shining star
Stars, stars, stars, no matter what I say
I really can't express myself
I'm frustrated now, what should I do?

Star, star, star, star...

My Heart

2012-07-04T23:29:00.001-07:00

A Night Like This
I think of your face again on this sleepless night
When the sad tears flow, I feel that goodbye
On days when the cold wind blows, come back to me
I’ll wait for you every day on this street, on this alley

As the night approaches, I’ll be missing you
When this night passes, I might forget you forever, I’ll be missing you
If only time can stop, if only we can go back to that time

Rain is falling again outside the window on this sleepless night
Tonight I’m alone in this empty room, thinking about you
On days when the cold wind blows, come back to me
Even if you forgot me, even if you don’t know me, I’ll be waiting for you

As the night approaches, I’ll be missing you
When this night passes, I might forget you forever, I’ll be missing you
If only time can stop, if only we can go back to that time

No more goodbyes, no more scars
Words that I never sent before, I can’t live without you

Tonight, I miss you, I’ll be missing you
I can meet you in my dreams but I’ll be missing you
If only you were next to me when I awake

I’ll be missing you
When this night passes, I might forget you forever

Day & Night
So it won’t be too hard, so you won’t have nightmares
I’m the moon that protects you when you’re asleep at night
Gathering up all the love, embroidering the night
I’m the star that comforts you

As I walk in this thorn-filled world
As I live each day filled with tears
If you see me, who is filled with scars
Tell me that you love me, tell me that you will come back
You don’t need to say you’re sorry, just hug me tight
What words are needed? You coming back to me
Is like the sun finding it’s place again during the day and night
But why don’t you know that?

The waves of loneliness are pounding on my heart
Each of my sighs crash down like strong waves
It feels like my heart is completely empty and swept away
Even the clumsy lies have seen the bottom

As I walk in this thorn-filled world
As I live each day filled with tears
If you see me, who is filled with scars
Tell me that you love me, tell me that you will come back
You don’t need to say you’re sorry, just hug me tight
What words are needed? You coming back to me
Is like the sun finding it’s place again during the day and night
Because I sent you off without any preparation
Even if you suddenly come one day,
I will greet you without an ounce of surprise (don’t be afraid)
Don’t hesitate (don’t be afraid)
Even if you’re miserable, please take courage
Just because I look happy, do you think I forgot?
Because our love was beautiful, are you just ignoring me?
What happened? Where is this place right now?
Like day and night, we’re in such different worlds

Tell me that you love me, tell me that you will come back
You don’t need to say you’re sorry, just hug me tight
What words are needed? You coming back to me
Is like the sun finding it’s place again during the day and night
But why don’t you know that?

Path of tears
I’m trying to forget but I miss you even more
I erase you with my flowing tears
Even when time passes and I forget you
My heart and my tears can’t forget you

Come back to me just once
So I can give you this unfinished love
Even if we are separated, I can love you with this memory
Remember me, who is like this

I try to catch you, I try to touch your hand
But you take a step back and turn around
I call and call you, shout out and cry
But my tears cannot be heard by you

Come back to me just once
So I can tell you the unfinished words
I love you though I can’t see you in this world
Hold me, who is like this

Are you there at the end of this path?
I can’t go so I draw this path with my tears
We were unfinished but we if meet again
Then, remember me, remember me

Come back to me just once
So I can give you this unfinished love
Even if we are separated, I can love you with this memory
Remember me, who is like this

Come back to me just once
So I can tell you the unfinished words
I love you though I can’t see you in this world
Hold me, who is like this

Although I Already Know
Although I know it’s over
Although I know even better that this isn’t it
My heart is still the same as the beginning
So how can I erase you?

But please know this
Only you are everything in my heart
Because I only know you, because I don’t know any other love
I will hurt a bit more as I cherish you

But still, I will ask you once more
Can you live without me, without regrets?
Yes, because I’m a fool, because I only know you
Though I know, I’ll ask you once more

As I stay up countless nights
All of those promises that we made together
Now I don’t need it anymore
And though it hurts, I’ll still cherish them
Because I might long for them and look for them later

But still, I will ask you once more
Can you live without me, without regrets?
Yes, because I’m a fool, because I only know you
Though I know, I’ll ask you once more

Please don’t tell me to be happy
Because I still love you

Even if the words, I love you, are replayed over and over again
There are no other words I can say to you
Even if you coldly cast me away and turn back
I will always be here
Even if you hate me, because I only know you

Tree Covered in Dew
I will stay by your side
And I will be in love
Only with you

I love you, look at me just like this
In front of me is you
Let’s promise like we are dreaming

Even if time passes, even if times change
I will be a good person who will always warmly hold you

I will stay by your side
And I will be in love
I will do it only with you

Thank you for touching my pain
You’re someone who I can share my joy and sorrow

Even if I get drenched in the rain
Even if I get blown away by the wind
I will be your umbrella
I will be your big wall

I love you, I love you, I love you
I love you, I love you, my fairy
I love you, who, even after looking and looking, is endlessly beautiful

Never Again
You’re in my heart
If you call me, I would run to you again
That’s why it hurts more like this
Because your heart erased and threw me away

Though I push you out, I pull you back again
Though I shove you out, you live in my heart again
All day, I think of you and tears fall again
I can’t stand it for a moment so tears fall again
I miss you, I miss you, again today, I miss you
So I cry again
I don’t think I can ever do it
Having to empty all of you out from me
I can’t even understand myself being like this
Because of you, who harshly speaks me
All day, I think of you and tears fall again
I can’t stand it for a moment so tears fall again
I miss you, I miss you, again today, I miss you
How much more do I have to withstand for you to come?
How much more does it have to hurt to forget you?
There’s something I want to hear, but can’t I?
Just once, just once will you look at me?
I love you

If You Love
Just by looking at you, makes me shed tears
If you’re not by my side, I miss you
If I draw you out while falling asleep, will we meet in my dreams?
Again today, I think of you
If you were my love
If you were my love, how great would that be?

Even if I hurt every day in loneliness,
Even if I get weary from waiting
I’m okay, because I love you

I’m here but why are you looking far elsewhere?
I’m in front of you but why can’t you see my love?
My love is always at the same place, waiting for you
Like a statue
If you were my love
If you were my love, how great would that be?
Even if I hurt every day in loneliness,
Even if I get weary from waiting
I’m okay, because I love you
The reason why I wait like a fool
Is because I love you more than myself

If you were my love
If you loved me just once
If you would know my heart just once, how great would it be?
Even if I hurt every day in loneliness,
Even if I get weary from waiting
I’m okay, because I love you

I’m okay, because I love you

Day by Day

2012-07-04T19:27:00.000-07:00

My heart is a fortress for you, I am thrown away by others
Love – I can't see the end of that dark tunnel so I'm very afraid
Like a desert with a blazing sun, like a person crying out of thirst
Stay with me my baby, before this night is over, hurry, to me, day by day

I miss your love, I guess I loved you too much
When this night passes, it'll become tears to wipe off
If that silver moon sets, will it disappear – My love that still remains?
Will the dream-like memories also scatter?
Like rain drops, far away

Kiss me baby I'll stay here - day by Day
Whisper that you love me
Stay with me baby just you can take me - day by day
Before my tears dry up

Like the wind, you disappeared
Day by day, I miss you, day by day

Tonight, I long for the passing by memories, to hear your voice
The countless nights when we promised eternity, they become tears

At the thought of you leaving, again tears fall
Please tell me you will return so our friendship can be forever

You leave me and go far far away, follow that road and disappear
At the end of this love is a dangerous cliff
I was hit hard by this love and kept trembling
I hope my heart that recites this sad poem will be remembered in your eyes

Stay with me my baby, before this night is over, hurry, to me, day by day

Kiss me baby I'll stay here Day by Day
It's sad but I can't erase you
Stay with me baby Just you can take me Day by Day
Before my tears dry up

Kiss me baby take me through day by day

Paradise

2012-07-02T23:15:00.000-07:00

My heart doesn't fit anymore because it's broken

I can't send you off like this, what now?

My heart trembles, trembles, even if it seems risky

I can't do anything but hold onto you, what now?

I love you (I'm sure you do too) You do, I only see you

I will do it, I'm only gonna look at you

Please stay here, I'll ask once more,

I'll be better, I can't let you go yet

I have to live, I have to endure it

Cause it might stop some day

This place is a paradise only if you're here

A paradise that has you in my love

A happy paradise that you won't leave

A paradise that we can be together forever

I can only hold my breath and watch over you

I can't do anything but that because I fear I might break

You see me (you will) you don't look (you will)

You do, it hurts

Please stay here, I'll ask once more, I'll be better

Because I can't let you go yet

I have to live, I must survive,

Cause it might stop some day

The nights, filled with you

Yeah, my heart got used to it, now I fill it with tears

Remembering a night wrapped up in you

That is the best paradise, without you it's a dim world

I'm gonna hold on a little longer,

I'm gonna look at you a little more

Until my heart freezes

I have to live even without you,

But right now, I need you

Dear Loved Ones.

2012-05-22T14:32:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to go through this pain alone. I don't blame you for being busy, I dont blame you for not having the time. I'm just so tired now I can't hang on anymore. Each day I feel forgotten the hole gets bigger and I no longer smile. I read once that the average human smiles 50 x a day, when you were by my side I felt like I smiled 10x more than that and now I dont even smile that much in a month.

Yesterday I lost all hope that I was holding onto. It was the hardest and loneliest day of my life, realizing people you spent your life with for years forgot your birthday. But I don't blame you. I know you have work and families to take care of.

I'm sorry for the selfish act I'm doing. I hope you don't hate me. I just can't hold on anymore waiting to be remembered. I have no fight or strength left. I'm empty and I feel I'll never be filled up ever again.

I just want to belong, to someone and somewhere and to a story that's true. But I have given up on that.

I'm sorry.

I Will Think of You

2012-04-24T07:30:00.000-07:00

I couldn't say hi first to you
Because I wanted to hold you again
Because I wanted to cry again
I ran away and tried to hide my heart

Tears are persistent
This longing for you is a sin
My head tells my heart
Not to look for you anymore

But I'll think about it again
How could I erase you, who I love so much?
When this night passes and morning comes again
Again, I will face you then

You couldn't love me
The real love is here in my heart
My heart tells my head
That I'm loving you for the rest of my life

Ooo but I'll think about you again
How could I erase you, who I love so much?
When this night passes and morning comes again,
I will have to face this again

The sounds of the raindrops falling, falling
The sounds that digs deep in my heart
You flow from my tears
You flow down

I just think about you
I can't, my love, I can't forget you, forget you
Even if I'm born again in another world
I will love you then as well

I Wonder If You Hurt Like Me

2012-04-18T04:10:00.002-07:00

As your memory floods my mind in the day
A stream of tears flows on its own
Step by step, I see you
Even as I work, tears come without warning

Even when I sing
When I walk the streets
I'm filled with thoughts of you
And the tears flow through

I wonder if you hurt like me
I wonder if you cry like me
I wonder if you live in memories like me

There are many ways to pretend to be happy
Like a wind-up doll, like it's my job, I laugh

Even when I watch tv
Even when I meet friends
I'm filled with thoughts of you
And the tears flow through

I wonder if you hurt like me
I wonder if you cry like me
I wonder if you live in memories like me

Though I smile every day
Because I hide behind a smile
They think I'm happy

But how can I truly smile,
How can I smile without you
I smile and I smile but tears find me again

On the Wings of a Woman

2012-03-26T11:53:00.000-07:00

On the wings of a woman, I came into this world
In a yellow pooh bear blanket
And tiny fingers curled around the hand that held
A helpless little boy

On wings of a woman, my daddy stood so tall
He put in 16 hour work days just to come back home and fall
Into the arms that were strong enough to hold us all

So if I ever fly, if I ever shine
If I ever do something even though the whole world thought I couldn't
Wherever I touch down, I take a look around
And know I got here now on the wings of a woman

On the wings of a woman I passed a city limit sign
50 dollars in the glove box and my mothers stubborn pride
Saying don't you dare give up boy it's your time

So when it's all said and done
No matter who I become, I owe it all to the love I started from.

If I ever fly, if I ever shine
If I ever do something even though the whole world said I couldn't
Wherever I touch down, I take a look around
And know I got here now on the wings of a woman

More Than That

2012-02-11T16:51:00.003-08:00

The punch line.

That pivotal moment that can make or break your legendary joke about Gary Busey and his gigantic teeth. (Have you seen those things??)

Or what about movie quotes? You know, that line from that movie that instantly takes you back to that scene that made you cry your little heart out or laugh until you peed your pants?

For example: when Jerry Maguire sits in his office yelling, "Show me the money!" at the top of his lungs. Or when Jenny anxiously screams, "Run, Forest, run!" hoping that Forest can escape the hands of terrifying bullies. Or from the movie, 'The Help' where Aibileen reminds little Mae Mobley that "You is kind. You is smart. You is important."

Words have the power to take us places. They can move us deeply into dreams of love and hope or carry us into the most dismal of circumstances.

And one of the things I love about the Word of God is that it does that and so much more. The stories within Scripture are alive and have the power and authority to take us into Heavenly experiences, whether in beauty or holy terror, that empower us to live a life that's greater than all we could ask or imagine.

Recently, there have been 3 words that have begun to stir a new hope in this broken soul of mine:

more than that.

In Romans chapter 8, Scripture brings us to an incredible place of redemption and hope that can only be found in the arms of Jesus Christ. A man who was tortured and mocked. A man who suffered a brutal death at the hands of the people He came to rescue. A man who was dead and buried but -more than that- was raised to life 3 days later.

And why?

Because he loved us. You and me. In the midst of all our hate and lust and deficiency.

Here's the verse:

Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died-more than that, who was raised-who is at the right hand of God, who is indeed interceding for us.

You see, the miracle isn't in the fact that Jesus died; mortal man dies. The beauty and triumphant fact that HE CAME BACK TO LIFE is what makes the reality of Jesus so powerful. If he had stayed in that tomb, what all the pharisees said would have been proven correct. We wouldn't be able to experience grace and value and truth and the LIFE that is found in Jesus through his resurrection.

And what does that truth mean for us? It means we too can experience resurrection daily. It means that we, also, have been picked up out of the grave of sin and raised to new life in Jesus.

Now that, my friends, is what you call good news.

More than the fact that Jesus suffered a terrifying death; he prevailed with a glorifying resurrection.

And for those of us who call Jesus our Lord, that same power resides within us.

More than the fact that we are dead to sin; we are alive in Christ.

And because we are alive we need to be living. The world needs life. Society is desperately searching for value and truth and freedom and LIFE. That life is in Jesus. (John 14:6) So, because the world needs life, the world needs Jesus.

In John 10 Jesus reminds us of how he operates. He tells us that he is a shepherd, a guide, if you will, into abundant life:

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly

John 10:10

So, as believers in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, we are heirs of life. And just as Jesus is a door-holder into abundant life, we are too.

As the world around us dies from hate, injustice and sin, we hold the keys to a life meant to be lived abundantly through Jesus Christ.

More than slavery: freedom. More than doubt: certainty. More than fear: faith.
More than death: LIFE.

Homesick

2012-02-11T10:33:00.003-08:00

High school.

I'm not sure of many other combination of words that makes me squirm the way those two words do. I'm also not sure of a more awkward or disconnected point in my short life.

To put in bluntly, I hated high school.

I was not popular. Nor was I smart or funny. I failed a few classes. Slept through even more. Teachers liked me, though. Only because they saw my potential but were often frustrated with me for my lack of effort.

But did I care?

Nope.

I was quite strange and very much unaware of the importance of that stage of a young person's life…especially mine in particular.

I often felt out of place. I felt like high school had nothing to offer me. I was too concerned with how short life was and how big the world seemed.

And if I'm honest, lately, life has felt this way for me.

Recently, it's been normal for me to express a lack of effort. I've often times found myself feeling out of place. Or, in most cases, brushing off my feelings of disconnection as an excuse to not include myself in things most of my friends, or people my age, would ordinarily find enjoyable.

I've felt alone. Isolated. Unsure of myself. Unsure of my place on this rock we call earth.

To put it simply, I'm homesick.

I've felt as if there is something more. But not just for me, for all of us. I've felt as if the world has nothing for me and is simply a place on a greater journey. A pre-requisite, if you will, to the bigger story. A temporary home that is setting the stage for a much more beautiful destination.

And the eerily beautiful, yet sometimes scary truth is that it's all true.

All of it.

We are homesick.

There is something more. For all of us.

This world doesn't, in fact, have anything for us. It is just a stop on a greater journey.
There is a bigger story.

This is a temporary home that is preparing us for an overwhelmingly beautiful destination.

You see, I'm understanding that this feeling, this homesickness, is real and normal and simply God's way of reminding us that this place, is not what we are made for. We are not made to please the people on the earth. We are not made to store up wealth. We are not made for things of this earth.

We were created for Heaven. We were created to make an impact on someone's eternity, not their existence. We were created to worship God forever.

But we forget.

We get stuck on money. We get stuck on stuff. We get stuck on our jobs and our fame and our followers on twitter and our church attendance. We get stuck on our existence and our salaries. We focus on right here, right now.

We forget about the baby who has no food. The man who has no shelter. The woman who has no coat. The kid who has no shoes. The family who has no foundation. The friend dying of cancer.

We forget that we were created to be homesick.

That heavenly expectation you feel every day? Embrace it.

That holy disposition that keeps you awake at night. Walk in it.

The dissatisfaction of the present? Let it keep you acutely aware of our short lives.

Allow these things to help you make a Kingdom impact on the people you see every day.

Remind people of our destination. Love them with an eternal love. Live like Heaven is coming tomorrow.

Feeling out of place? It is because you are.

Be homesick.

If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because your not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.

-John 15:18&19

But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.

-Hebrews 11:16

The Ones That Don't Want You

2012-02-07T21:25:00.000-08:00

They say the stars that died a million years ago still shine
But if I said I dont think of you from time to time
I'd be a liar and I'm a lot of things but a liar isn't one
And I am nothing more than the boy you didn't love
I am haunted by the memory of what will never be
And I am haunted by the conversations between you and me
Where I'm laughing denying the simple awful truth
That you will always want the ones that don't want you

The days are getting longer and the nights are longer still
The drinks are getting stronger and it's breaking down my will
So I'm back to reminiscing watching life pass me by
Dreaming of what used to be and the past never lies
You and I were happy once upon a time
I am haunted by the memories of what will never be
I am haunted by the conversations between you and me
Where I'm laughing denying the simple awful truth
That you will always want the ones that don't want you

I hope that you will find live some day
But will I ever fall asleep and not see your face?
You didn't want me
You only want the ones that dont want you.

Of Christian Epistemology: Or, What Can We Know & How Can We Know It?

2011-12-11T02:06:00.000-08:00

Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.
- The Big Lebowski

If it is extremely dangerous to say that Reason is the enemy and should be eliminated, it is just as dangerous to say that any critical questioning risks sending us into irrationality.
- Michel Foucault

What we suffer from today is humility in the wrong place. Modesty has moved from the organ of ambition. Modesty has settled upon the organ of conviction; where it was never meant to be. A man was meant to be doubtful about himself, but undoubting about the truth; this has been exactly reversed.
- G.K. Chesterton

I believe in Christianity as I believe the sun has risen; not because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.
- C.S. Lewis

You will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free.
- Jesus

Many people find it difficult to believe that we can know anything for certain because they find themselves able to doubt everything. However, in my opinion, the assumption that we can doubt “everything” needs to be critically examined. While it’s true that we can doubt any particular proposition at any particular moment, we can never doubt all propositions simultaneously. Ultimately, we can only doubt a particular set of propositions while accepting (consciously or unconsciously) another set of propositions as true.

In my opinion, there are two kinds of doubt – “fake” doubt and “real” doubt. Neither kind, however, is powerful enough to undermine every belief at the same time. In other words, no matter how radical or extensive our doubt might appear to be, it’s always discriminatory and selective in its focus.

Fake doubt can’t undermine every belief because, ultimately, it’s merely an intellectual exercise. Fake doubt is what “afflicts” the armchair philosopher, the person who spends hours lost in thought, wondering how he knows for certain that he’s actually sitting in an armchair. Fake doubt is Rene Descartes wondering if he really has a body or David Hume wondering if there’s actually a world outside his own house. There are various problems with this kind of doubt. For me, the biggest problem is that it’s volitional. Fake doubt can be turned on and off like a light switch. It’s analogous to someone who fasts for several days in order to sympathize with starving people in Third World countries. That person might certainly experience intense hunger pangs, but she will never know the true horror of starving. After all, she can stop fasting whenever she wishes and make a quick trip to McDonald’s. Starving people don’t have that luxury. No matter how radical and extensive fake doubt might become, it’s never radical and extensive enough. It always leaves some key beliefs untouched. In Descartes’ case, he never “really” doubted that he had a body; he just wanted to know how he knew that he had one. Hume, on the other hand, did often doubt that there was a world outside his own house. However, to reassure himself, he would simply go outside to look around. Fake doubt always allows the doubter to retain a link to “reality.”

While fake doubt is an intellectual exercise, real doubt is more of an existential crisis. Imagine a group of philosophers debating whether or not they can know for sure that they have hands. That’s fake doubt. Now, imagine one of those philosophers getting hit by a car. A paramedic stands over him, asking him if he can move or feel his hands. The philosopher can’t. He can’t even lift his head to look at them. In this situation, the philosopher rightfully doubts his ability to know if he has hands.

Real doubt is typically caused by some traumatic experience or personal crisis. Because of this, real doubt can’t undermine every belief because it usually passes once the trauma or crisis that caused it has been resolved. The injured philosopher doubts if he has hands because the bodily systems that make such knowledge possible have been impaired. However, once these systems begin to function again, he will no longer experience that doubt.

However, the question that confronts us is whether or not there are situations where our epistemological systems might be permanently damaged or impaired. Is it possible that in the wake of some trauma or crisis, we might be left in a state of perpetual confusion and uncertainty?

In Christian philosophy, this isn’t merely a possibility; it’s a firm reality. Christians believe in Original Sin, an event that tainted every aspect of humanity – including our ability to know God, the world, and ourselves. However, though Christians argue that the human mind is flawed and finite, they don’t find the kind of epistemological chaos in the human condition that other philosophies like existentialism find. Existentialists believe that human attempts to find truth and meaning always lead us into the Absurd. Theistic existentialists like Soren Kierkegaard claim that to find truth and meaning, people must abandon rational thinking and make a “leap of faith” into the Absurd. Atheistic existentialists like Jean-Paul Sartre and Albert Camus, however, condemn Kierkegaard’s leap of faith as “intellectual suicide.” Instead, they suggest that people must come to terms with the Absurd, creating meaning for themselves rather than trying to find it from some external source.

In my estimation, the problem with existentialism is that it attempts to reject reason while relying on it at the same time. Ultimately, this is self-defeating. We can’t refute reason with reason, and we can’t think outside of reason. As Ludwig Wittgenstein explains,

“We cannot think anything unlogical, for otherwise we should have to think unlogically…the truth is, we could not say of an “unlogical” world how it should look. To present in language anything which “contradicts logic” is as impossible as in geometry to present by its coordinates a figure which contradicts the laws of space; or to give the co-ordinates of a point which does not exist.”

Let me use an analogy to explain this problem. Let’s suppose you’re in college. You come back to your dorm one day after class only to discover that your room is completely trashed. You confront your roommate, exclaiming “This place is a mess!”

Nonchalantly, he replies “How can you make that claim?”

Well, in my estimation, there are only two legitimate ways you can claim that your room is messy. The first way is you have a frame of reference, one that includes clean, orderly rooms that you can compare with your room. If you’ve seen clean rooms before, then you know your room is different and you can make rational propositions about this condition.
However, it might be possible that you’ve never seen a clean room before. It might even be possible that there aren’t any clean rooms in the world. Every room in every home in the world is perpetually messy. However, in this case, you could still claim that your room is messy if you have some innate idea of clean, orderly rooms in your mind. However, if you’ve never encountered a clean room and you don’t have any innate ideas about clean rooms, then there’s no possible way you could say “This room is a mess!” You wouldn’t even know what a mess was. Your statement would be meaningless.

Existentialists are confronted with a similar dilemma. They can only claim that life is absurd if (1) they know of some sensible, rational life that can be compared to ours, or if (2) they have some innate idea of a sensible, rational life that conflicts with the physical reality we experience. To my knowledge, existentialist philosophy denies both these possibilities. Therefore, in my opinion, existentialism is meaningless.

Unlike existentialism, Christian philosophy doesn't see the our search for truth and meaning as ultimately absurd. Existentialists argue that human beings have a drive to find something that doesn't exist in the universe. Christianity, however, argues that human beings have a drive to find something that does exist in the universe. However, the reason they fail to find it is because they have a deeper and darker drive, one that ultimately negates their desire for truth and meaning. In existentialism, the problem is the universe. In Christianity, however, the problem is "not in our stars but in ourselves." Our epistemology is limited by our own mortality and hindered by our own sin, not the cold, cruel nature of the cosmos

Depressed

2011-12-06T13:03:00.000-08:00

Your stomach rose, your stomach crept.
Your stomach filled with air from a theft.
The diaphragm all the time unaware.
Drew inch after inch of this pitiful air.
Not to scare or to hinder.
Forced down through the cleft.
Thievery mocking in silent shared breath.
Binging on H and then 2 on to O
Drawn back to the lungs that will handle the blow.
Wind circulates through the plates, through the blood.
The pilot light out from the beat held above.
A trace of vibration round hollowed and bare.
Knocking for life within bodies to share.
Shattering, smashing like waves of the sea.
Rolling through ribs cut in two just to see.
Punctured and tunneled, a hand reaches depth.
A lung compromised waits deep and depressed.
No life line or ringing, a body lay still.
Just speak but a word to avoid having killed.

It’s easy for us to forget we breathe, simple as can be but it goes unrecognized until influenza or allergies rear their ugly heads. We do it when we sleep, most vulnerable to anything and everything but our bodies just keep breathing for us. The metaphor here is simple, for me breathing is as simple a task as any but for some a struggle and in the moments it took me to write this someone out there breathed their last bit of air. The metaphor continues, just as breathing is essential to life I believe that love is equally essential. Within that comes the need to feel worth, the anomaly is (within the metaphor) sometimes we have to be broken, opened up and most vulnerable to actually love.

In these moments of vulnerability, opened up lying on the table for the doctor to pry, it’s with the hands of the physician that we are brought back to life. The air circulates through us, just as love can so do. But unlike breathing, we are conscious of the love we seek and may someday find (or have already found) just not until we’ve been opened up and examined and for lack of a better term, “fixed.”

“No life line or ringing, a body lay still. Just speak but a word to avoid having killed.” This is personal, the ringing represents the phone and the speaking represents the person on the other end. It could be anyone, but sometimes you just need to hear from someone. “Depressed” doesn’t represent a feeling, it represents an action, when our chest has depressed and all air has left our bodies we then need to fill it up again. Elementary, I know, but the point is that you don’t know for certain you will take that breath after breathing out, just like you don’t know if you’ll receive love in return after giving it.

If you wouldn’t purposely cease breathing in fear of the next breath, don’t stop loving in fear of what comes next. If worse comes to worse, there’s a great physician that can “fix” you

Two and One.

2011-12-04T07:29:00.001-08:00

Two and one connected at
The broken Son’s reflection.
In the pool of blood erected
on a cross we built ourselves.
A roman and a jewish man
Reflected in a pagan stance.
Divided by the lines of judgement
Buried underneath.
Jerusalem Hallalujah
A Savior King our Yahweh God.
A birth and death, victorious
The world has never
Known another King.
Jesus. Dirt and Mud.
Eyes once were shut til you spoke your words.
Jesus. Lord of the Earth.
Change the blind of Christianity.

Clocks

2011-11-28T20:00:00.000-08:00

I memorized the lines of your face intertwined
with my fingers though bare hold a rhythmic disguise
Over dust and the trees care to bend at the knees
to fling falls winter leaves said summer time goodbye
The dirt on your brow mixed with sawdust you plowed
from the plank you were proud grandfather did ring
Burned at the core from the sky to floor
in a secret you swore to keep me safe at ease

Grow me, grow me your garden
Where infinite life springs, springs up from the ground
Show me, show me you’ve fathered
The grandest of ages, to be my grandfather.

The furnace you lit calms the bold winter grit
burned the drops from my spit and crushed cans lay nearby
Concrete adorned with the ash from the boards
you had cut into four swept away by the young
Acres of land you would tend with your hands
by the turn of the years from the window you’d stand
Lathed with an age a sharp knife carved with grace
followed twenty one guns to my grandfather’s grave

Know me, know me the deepest
Know all of my secrets, from when I was a boy
Love me, even in my weakness
You did through the seasons, til death led you home.

Yes I know, that life someday.
Will end and all, will fade away.
Until I see, see you again.
Oh I will rest with God just like you did back then.
Yes I will rest with God until we meet again

No Idea

2011-11-07T15:03:00.002-08:00

You’d probably like me better if you had no idea who I am
See, once you get to know me you’ll uncover all the bad
The inner discord flailing ‘round like a jagged laser beam
You’ll see inside the tyrant of the mind that makes up me
Displayed my imperfections will send you running for the hills
But on the outside looking in you’d think my glass had never spilled
Perhaps it’s that I’m a christian that you love to watch me fall
Or you think that I deserve it I’m not perfect, after all
I suppose I just can’t blame you because I know I feel the same
The only guilty party here is the man walking in shame
If you’d no idea you knew me you might think I’m really cool
But somewhere along the way you figured out I’m just a tool
I’m selfish and pretentious I can’t tie my own tongue down
My cynicism follows me like the lost looks to be found
I’m not claiming to be perfect if I were it’d be a myth
If you want to know the truth perhaps I ought to plead the fifth
I’m just another sinner with a savior I so need
For every good, I’ve done 5 bad, I’ve kept track of all my deeds
Yes, no idea of knowing me might leave you better off
There’s plenty who have left my side and plenty often scoff

One Life Inside of Another.

2011-10-27T01:02:00.000-07:00

Feels like one life inside of another.
I embody you. Who embodies me?
Sometimes I’d rather just disappear
That way none of you’d have to hear
Me ringing melodiously
The worst news ever

Clothed in tattered
Broken America
The enemy
Is lying
Clothed in blasphemy
Our old enemy
Beat us with
Apathy
Our own Apathy

The Good Guys

2011-08-24T17:53:00.000-07:00

We’re out here. Regardless if you’ve had the pleasure of enjoying our company or have, as of yet, missed experiencing what magic we can create in your life, we do exist. We’re the few but proud, the sweet but fiery, the strong yet humble. We’re the good guys and we’re simply asking for one chance; one chance to take your hand and capture your heart.

We’re the guys who will look you in the eye, softly shake your hand and respectfully smile when we’re first introduced. We’re the guys who will open the door for you and allow you to walk in ahead of us. We’re the guys who will pay for the entire meal and playfully scoff at you when you suggest we let you cover the tip. We’re the guys who know how to make you laugh and would never dream of making you cry. We’re the guys who wouldn’t dare disrespect you by pressuring you into doing something you’re uncomfortable with. We’re the guys your friends approve of and wish they had. We’re the guys who are faithful to you and only you — respecting you when we’re with you and when we’re alone. We’re the guys who smile when we think of you and call just to say we’re thinking about you.

We’re the guys who write their own vows because no one else can properly express the way we feel about you. We’re the guys who make the best husbands because we treat you as an equal and not as a possession. We're the guys who cook you dinner because we know you’ve had a rough day and going out to eat isn’t the same as eating a meal prepared with love. We’re the guys that protect you and allow you to feel safe when the world is beating down your door. We’re the guys who remember your favorite song and hum it to you when you’re falling asleep in our arms. We’re the guys who can be the spiritual leader of a relationship —building a foundation of prayer and devotion so that our house may stand strong in Him.

There’s an army of us gentlemen and we know how to treat a lady. We know what it takes to make you happy and we strive every day to put you ahead of ourselves. We’re out here and all we need is a moment — a moment to make you sigh sweetly and smile eternal. We’re the good guys and we do exist. We just need a chance.

Why Wait?

2011-08-07T15:57:00.000-07:00

Some of us are born with this inherent desire to change the world, to be a hero, to impact other people in a way that resonates beyond the quarter you gave the homeless dude yesterday. We often like to imagine it on some grandeur scale where a multitude of people were affected, and that defines the success of our desire to be great. I’m not assuming this is always the case, I’m simply stating what I’ve witnessed in ministries and organizations that you and I see at work everyday.

But why wait to be great? Why wait to be a hero? There are hurting people around you that need help; today. There are broken people that refuse to reach out to someone and you may just get placed in their path, but you forgot about how you wanted to change the world. I say this because, I get the feeling sometimes we wait until it’s too late to have a positive impact on this world.

I live in Vancouver, BC where opportunities to help and serve this community abound, yet I never find myself reaching out to any of these organizations that are already doing what I’ve sworn I want to do; the truth is I’m lazy. I don’t think I’m alone in this, I’m sure there’s plenty of us that can find ways to start giving our time and energy to something that isn’t self related. Yes, I'm sure your music will help people but you’ve got hands and feet too and they don’t always have to be creating. Yes, I’m sure your video will really draw people in, make them think and question things but while you’re not holding the camera or editing you can be serving. Put down the pencils, put the books away, you’ll have plenty of time for that - go serve!

It doesn’t take reaching a multitude, or any HUGE sacrifice, and it may even go unrecognized but real people are in need of real help out there. Let’s encourage each other to be the hands and feet of Jesus, and even if you’re not into Jesus you can help too; the more the merrier.

Note to self: Change someone’s life today, don’t wait for tomorrow.

Inspired by you

2011-07-28T19:20:00.000-07:00

You're like the sun in the sky

The clouds flying by above me

Why the world is alive

The look in your eyes it makes me

See color in this black and white life

You make everything right

You are the light in the spark

The wish on the star I'm making

Now I finally see how sweet it should it

Baby without you I'm incomplete

But with you, I'm a masterpiece.

My whole life is a song about you baby

You're the best part of the picture that I am painting

And this love can turn nothing into something beautiful

Everything I do is inspired by you

Every beat inside my heart

I was standing in the dark 'til you.

Inspired by you

Everything I am and everything I will ever do

My whole life is a song about you baby

You're the best part, you're the best part.

Never Fades

2011-06-28T11:32:00.000-07:00

Have you ever dug a hole so deep that you ran out of dirt?

Have you ever broke a heart so bad that it ran out of hurt?

Have you ever had love and gave it up?

You had it all but it wasn't enough

So you crossed that line, you can't push rewind

Then you know how it feels

To lose the only thing that was real

You try to move on but you never can

'Cause what you've done wont ever change

And a memory like hers never fades

Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night screaming out loud?

Wishing it was just a dream but the tears falling down

Tell you, you're never going to heal gonna have to deal

Gotta get up and get on with your life 'cause you can't push rewind

I pray someday that we will find the road

That leads your heart back to mine

And you, you know how it feels

To lose the only thing that was real

I try to move on but I never can

'Cause what we had wont ever change

And a memory like hers never fades.

Never fades, it never fades.