Oh the humilation - to be taken in by a photo of a cute dog.

Last fall I was shopping around for help to set up a website to promote my freelance writing....I'm on a tight budget so I decided a one-man operation in our small town was the way to go. After much googling I found James Manke of Yellow Dawg Web Design....and after several email exchanges in December, agreed to a price, signed a contract and mailed him a cheque. and guess what - nothing happened. I kept emailing and finally he sent me a link to a wordpress site and told me to chose a template. I had no idea what to chose and kept emailing him for advice. nothing. Finally picked one with the help of a more tech-savvy friend and sent my choice to him with the direction to get going. nothing. and then nothing and nothing and finally. nothing. Sigh.

So I sent off a final email cancelling our contract and asking for my money back and guess what....nothing.

I finally went online and dig some digging and sure enough, I found several recent reviews from unhappy clients who had the same experience - money paid out but no services rendered. Let's face it, it's buyer beware and the internet is a scary place - I only lost a small amount compared to some who lost in the $1000's but still, it disheartening to be so cheated....and so gullible.

I was fooled by his lovely yellow dog image on his website banner (above) and thought anyone who named their site after (what I assumed was) a beloved pet must be a good guy. Reader, I was wrong.

Anyway, I have moved on and found a legit person to help me (thank you Dustin and Kim) and I will write off my loss and be glad it wasn't more and that I didn't waste anymore time on Yellow Dawg Web Design. We have his address (at least the address of where I mailed the cheque) and my husband wants to go knock on his door and encourage him to pay me back, but I prefer to "let sleeping (or should I say cheating) dogs lie. As I'm always saying, I'm a big believer in karma and I know that James will get what he deserves.

Perhaps he will get bitten in the ass by a big yellow dawg.

An observation today.

I was at our local shopping centre (my daily visit) when I spotted a very well-dressed woman. She was wearing a stunning suit, very European and well-fitted....with slits in all the right places. Pale hose and kick-ass statement shoes. She looked amazing - and completely out of place.

That's when I realized that nobody here dresses up. You never see (at least I don't) well dressed, high fashion here in sleepy Victoria - there is nothing like the glimpse of a good-looking man turned out in a beautifully tailored suit or a woman wearing something stunning. And you just don't see that here.

The clothing choice is fleece. Everyone here dresses for comfort, not speed (myself included - really, what right does a woman who lives in yoga pants have to complain?).

I'm not criticizing...just making an observation about yet another change of scenery that comes from living in a small town.

At least I don't feel intimidated when I venture out...in my yoga pants.

and I want to take a poll - do you feel discriminated against when  you don't bring a bag to the grocery store? when you say yes to plastic or paper instead of whipping out those nasty fabric shopping bags? I live in a place where saving the environment is a religion. Some days I find myself standing at the check-out making up long involved stories about how my beloved shopping bags were ripped out my hand by a mad dog...or used in a bank hold-up ...to explain my lack of caring. sigh.

I need to stop going to the shopping centre so often in order to avoid being irritated...but then what would I talk about?

Blog post #188 February 14th

Happy Valentines Day - as an old married lady, this holiday goes by without much fuss (although my husband did present me with flowers this morning... and my teen seemed a bit twitchy about the day) ....but for me and the rest of my pals, it's a non-event.

I did get a few emails in response to my post yesterday and I wanted to share one - a very different point of view from my friend Peter who prides himself on his realism....here's what he had to say:

" NOW you’re talking, Susan! However, don’t believe that spiritual gibberish that things happen for a reason other than a causal reason. The fact is, things happen. Because they happen you are often forced to change direction and your natural inclinations, talents, and preferences will shape the direction you take as a result of whatever “thing” happens. It is an active process, not a passive one, although in the early stages it may be subconscious. There is no grand plan that Susan is to become a writer so let’s get her fired in order to push her in that direction. Susan will become a writer because that is her passion and she is beginning to realize that the unexpected change to her circumstances may be an opportunity to follow her dream."

I loved Peter's decidedly different point of view (for more of his very direct opinions, go to his blog at http://www.peterkiidumae.com/blog.php?XYZ=1361 )

I guess this is more along the line of taking responsibility for your life as opposed to leaving things up to a mystical force. Either way, it's working.

That's all for today, just another point of view.

Then on the weekend, I get my daily email from Kabbalah (I know I know, it's been Madonna-ized but I still like many of the ideas and sentiments) and here's what it said:

It is a common spiritual law that everything happens for a reason. It’s a tough pill to swallow sometimes. The reasons are not always clear, but the events of our lives appear because we deserve them and because they are designed to help us to transform and grow; and transformation brings us closer to a connection with the Light…

Now is that not an amazing coincidence...24 hours after I was prattling away, this comes and smacks me in the head, making me really think about what it means.

And while I completely agree with this sentiment (it is the only belief that saves me during the dark days) I do wonder WHY WHY WHY can't we just get a free pass sometimes? WHY can't it just be easy once in a while? why is it that which does not kill us makes us stronger - maybe once in a while we could take a shortcut -  win the lottery, or inherit from a unknown relative, or get a non-life threatening illness that causes a 50 lbs  weight loss that will never come back (wait, that could be a tapeworm) or have a child who voluntarily does his homework.

I mean, I don't want to sound whiny or ungrateful and I appreciate that we all need to struggle a little in order to grow and live life to the fullest but some days I think "oh... come... on... already".

Anyway, the point being is that I get it and that quote arrived in an exclamation point of time - everything does happen for a reason and sometimes we are pushed in a direction that can't be denied and we need to go with it instead of fighting it.

I have to say that since I stopped fighting against the possibility of making money writing, work has started coming my way. A couple of big freelance jobs from ex-collegues who have started their own businesses...a request for an article from an industry publication, and a friend sent me a link today from a listing on craigslist to submit stories for a mature adult publication - I thought it must be porn  but no, it's a new magazine for boomers and seniors and while I still consider myself a youthful person, I'm sure I can write for that audience hahahahah. Still waiting to hear back on that one. So all this and my weekly online column (for which I am paid, a paltry amount but still paid).

and I applied to and was accepted by the Professional Writers Association of Canada so I guess it's official - I'm a pro. Now if I could just come up with an idea for a novel.... 

I was chatting with a friend on the weekend and the subject of denial came up.

Now, it may not the healthiest...or most honest way to live but it can be a very useful tool.

Denial comes in handy with big topics like....what my teenager is really doing in his bedroom with that girl  he says is just a friend.

It can also work  for avoiding opening the post-Christmas Visa bill (I mean, it can't be that bad).

Stretchy pants were created for people who live in denial.

Denial helps with avoiding things like bathroom scales and balancing the chequebook (these are a given) but it also comes in handy with things like ....not going to the grocery store (I'm sure there's enough toilet paper to last until tomorrow), the dog doesn't really need to go out (this one can be iffy), and I'm sure my teen did his homework - after all, he said he did.

It also works well with lifestyle choices - I mean who hasn't been surprised when the cookie jar/wine bottle/Doritos bag is empty....how did that happen? someone else has obviously been helping themselves.

Denial can also be incorporated into time management ...as in, yes I can get across town, get the car parked and be in my appointment in 10 minutes, wait, what is the address again? Or ....of course it will only take me five minutes to finish my blog and then we can go.... or my husband's personal favourite (not) "I'll just be on the phone with Karen for 10 minutes".

Denial goes hand-in-hand with television tranquilizing. A way to avoid doing/thinking about/dealing with that which we cannot, for whatever reason, face.

I recognize that it isn't the best strategy, but it's working for me right now. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Wait, isn't denial a river in Egypt....

So, if you've been reading my blog you will know that I am looking for a job - I'm over 50, living in a small town market where I don't have any connections, so let's just say it's a process (expletive deleted).

I have been focusing on networking - for those of you who think that is a computer thing, networking means connecting with people I know and then getting them to connect me with people they know....and then forcing those people to meet with me and talk to me about how I can get a job.

I have met with about 30 people in the last few months - all strangers. The first few were tough (in fact, after the first one I went home and cried for two days) now I can walk into any situation and talk talk talk (of course that was when I thought I looked like I did in the photo I posted yesterday....but that's another story). Without exception, everyone has been friendly and very generous with their time. Some I have had to hound more than others to get a meeting, but I have left no stone (or connection) unturned and eventually they give in and see me. There is one exception but I haven't given up yet - do you hear me Jona?

So today I had two meetings, both extremely different. The first one was with a sixtyish communications person ex government who now freelances/consults. She was super negative and basically told me to go back where I came from because nothing was going to happen here. That was extremely depressing. I had a similar meeting yesterday - same scenario - sixtyish, ex government, freelance communications consultant.....while she wasn't quite so direct, the overall feeling was the same "Go back from whence you came". sigh, cry. It was a long, draggy walk home.

The meeting this afternoon however was great, with the Director of a local cultural institution...it was chat chat chat....blah blah blah....we really  hit it off and had a far reaching discussion about everything from books to the Maritimes to good restaurants...and then he managed to slip in another great connection with real potential. I left that meeting feeling great.

I guess it makes sense that the people who don't have jobs think it's impossible to get one while the guy who has a job thinks that, with time and connections, it is possible to get a job. I still don't know what to think or who to believe so I just keep on keepin on.

What I do know is that I am now an expert networker  and I'm shameless in my pursuit of a meeting with anybody I think can help - LinkedIn is my new weapon (check it out - it's a great tool for business)...and my entire family is learning to be flexible and open to different opportunities. ...and that life as we know it might change.

I promise when this is over, my door will be permanently open to any and all networkers.

This photo was taken in 2000, I was in my early 40's. I have used this as my business head shot for years....and in fact, I'm using it now for my EAT magazine (a food column I write) bio and my Linkedin profile.

I don't look like this anymore.

So in the interest of full disclosure I decided I would get a new headshot....I checked out a few photographers and found one who specialized in portraits - I chatted with her and she really seemed to understand the issues involved in coming up with a decent headshot of a chubby 50ish woman (she is both herself)....so off I went.

She took lots of photos, different outfits, different lighting, etc....and I went back today to look at the proofs. But it seems there has been a terrible mistake because she doesn't have photos of me, she has photos of a old woman with no neck who is wearing my clothes. Although this woman does look  like my grandmother....especially her thin upper lip.

sigh.

I can't tell you how difficult it was to look at those photos and really see what I look like now. I am not even brave enough (despite all my bravado in yesterday's post) to post the image to this blog. When the photographer was going over the proofs with me, I was silent...and finally I told her that I couldn't believe that's what I look like... I think I offended her.

If you've been reading my blog, you'll know that I struggle with  my weight, which is why I have no neck, my face goes from my chin to my chest without a jawline. and let's face it, at 50 plus things are going to start falling down. But the point I am trying to make is not that I look old, but that I was so completely shocked at WHAT I look like now.

The mind is a wonderful thing, in my mind's eye I still look just the way I do in the image attached -  I have completely blocked out reality. Which I guess doesn't really matter until you have to put yourself out there. ...which is what I am doing now, networking. looking for a job.

I'm not really sure what this means....or what I can do about it. One of life's realities is that we all age - some of us better than others.

So, all I can is do is channel my inner forty something self - the me in the photo - and not get flustered by my neckless, thin-lipped, plus size self.

and hopefully, that bright-eyed enthusiasm and excitment is what others will see as well.

I just need to stop seeing my grandmother when I look in the mirror....and work on getting my jawline back.

"Like all complicated questions, the secret to happiness is simple: know why you are here. When you clearly see, and recognize as a truth the nature of your duty in the world, doubts & depression shed off your soul like the skin of a snake."

 I don't really know what it means ...but this combined with an email from my Creative Writing teacher asking me when I was going to start blogging again was enough to get me going and ask the question - why am I here? and what the f**k am I doing?

This all It hit me today while I was out walking (finally getting outside after two weeks of being stuck inside due to bad weather and bad health) and I realized that I am living in fear. I am scared to death...of never getting a job, of losing our home, of not being successful (not that I was ever the poster child for success), of failure, of letting down my family and losing face....of being the last man standing without a job. Of looking like a fool.

And this fear is getting in the way of my writing because I feel like I can't be honest and can't write in my own voice...I must keep  a brave face, stiff upper lip, look on the bright side, just be grateful for what I have...etc etc. But you know what? .... f**k   it. I'm going to start writing and I'm going to be honest and I don't care if it is embarassing, or awkward or if my stiff upper lip quivers. If I can't be honest now, in my fifties....when can I be?

So I am going to do that thing that I love, the thing that gives my life meaning and form and makes me want to get out of bed in the morning....I'm going to write....starting with this blog and from here on in,  it will be is honest and truthful and fearless (and hopefully funny) and no matter what happens next, it will  be another chapter in my very real life. and it probably won't be about weight loss.

So, if you are interested, stay tuned, but I'm writing for myself and it might  get messy and uncomfortable and well, boring, so please be forewarned.

I must say thanks to all of my friends who support me endlessly (and I know it's not always easy) and my  husband and son who love me no matter what....but a special shout out to Connie and to Stephanie who, for whatever reason, picked today to say the right thing at the right time to get me to start writing again.

ps - I know I've used this image before but I really love it and it speaks to me, enjoy.

The older woman sitting in front of me was very vocal about her unhappiness in being here. “My company is making me take this, I don’t want to be here, there is NO way I am going to understand this stuff.” The person sitting beside her moved ever so slightly away, as though to distance himself from such “old fogey-ness.”

I didn’t really want to be there either, but as somebody looking for a job in the communications field, I need to get up to speed on social media very, very quickly – I get asked about my experience with it in job interviews and I can’t keep faking it. Sooner or later somebody is going to “twig” that I don’t “tweet”. Sorry about the pun but you have to laugh…. don’t you?

It was a harrowing experience, finally in desperation I had to put my hand up to ask what a hash tag was, it seemed key to entire twitter experience. Everyone else in the room appeared to know, or if they didn’t know, they were doing a good job of pretending they did. The presenter looked at me, was that pity I saw in her eyes? She explained it to me v-e-r-y   s-l-o-w-l-y. I hope the humiliation at exposing my ignorance at least helped others. Even if nobody else was ‘fessing up.

 I kept at it, sticking my hand up (and my head out) to ask questions. Then I realized at the end of the day that this is a very small city, and in fact, I may have exposed myself to the very people I want to impress at job interviews.  I would hate to walk into a meeting and have someone say “Weren’t you the lady at that conference who kept asking all those stupid questions?” Oh dear, too late now. I will have to deny that I was there.

It was a long day.  I went home, poured a glass (or two) of wine and thought about how it all went. I know my way around the lingo now. I plan to start tweeting soon (I wonder what I can possibly say in 140 characters or less?) and I finally know what a hash tag is. And  no, it has nothing to do with illegal drugs, which is the image I conjure up every time I hear that phrase (I’m such a product of the 70’s).

It’s a brave new world...and I need to be part of, even if I only have 140 characters to tell you about it. Tweet  Tweet.

I admit it, I love watching TV. Not only are there many, many quality TV dramas to watch...I have discovered reality TV. I don't mean Survivor or American Idol or Dancing with the Stars....I mean the wonderful world of trashy chick TV.

With our move to Victoria, we decided to get cable (we've been a "rabbit ears", 4 channel family for the past 15 years) but with the advent of digital TV we decided to take the leap and get cable. and no big surprise,  I have embraced the world of Home and Garden TV and TLC (The Life Channel).

This has coincided with my recent unemployment, which has freed up countless hours of television viewing time. Having now seen pretty well every episode of every show on HGTV (which really isn't saying much, as far as I can tell they only make 12 episodes of each show and then show them in constant rotation) I have moved onto the The Life Channel and their endless array of trash TV...geared for chicks.

For instance, Say Yes to the Dress. Now, my friends and family are horrified that I have sunk to this level of TV viewing...but what could be more dramatic....more entertaining ...more surprising...than watching women trying on wedding gowns. There are the mothers who help, the mothers who hurt. Nasty maids of honor, crying fathers, breakdowns, laughter, budget blowouts and campy gay guys who are the fashionistas. It has everything a prime time drama could ask for - but available for viewing during the day! What better way to spend those long hours when I am trying to avoid thinking about my job hunt than to tranquilize myself with the television version of chick lit.

 Another guilty pleasure is Four Weddings - four brides go to each others' weddings and then score them....and the bride with the highest score wins a honeymoon trip. What an opportunity for bitchiness....not to mention an amazing glimpse into that North American ritual, the BIG wedding. Think of it as anthropoligcal study.

I know, I know. Not only is it not very productive...it is mind numbing. But perhaps that's what I need right now -some numbing, take your mind off your problems TV.... watching somebody else's problems.

I know I will get a job, and then I will get off the couch and turn off the TV...but for now, step away from the remote, there's a Say Yes to the Dress marathon today.