!.  Aqua Velva. I know you think we like the expensive stuff at Nordstrom’s, but we don’t really.  We are not really sure how much to put on.  We don’t want to smell like Johnny going to the Prom and making everyone’s eyes water as he passes by.  How much of that expensive stuff do you use?  A dab, or five?  With AV, we just splash it all over.  Plus one bottle lasts exactly one year.  $5.

2.  Garage Art.  This is this year’s version of the singing bass.  Every man likes a gift that borders on being stupid.  Compellingly stupid.  This would be worth it if only for what the neighbors would think. This picture goes on your garage door. See more examples here.  $229.

3.  I saw this car/airplane video this morning and now I want it.  Years ago, I wanted this car-boat combination but I didn’t get it either. 

4.  A Segway.  I have wanted one since they first came out.  No, I don’t really have a place to ride it.  No, I didn’t hear that the owner of the company was killed riding his.  No, I don’t care that Ellen DeGeneres fell 2-3 times on hers.  I just want one.

We have an Annual Chili Cook-Off here in the LinkUp office.  Usually, I don’t enter my chili.  I prefer to let my peeps enter their own chili, their favorite family recipes, hidden secret ingredients and all that; plus I want to spread the glory around if you know what I mean.  But when I heard each chili entry was going to be anonymous, I thought this was going to be MY year.  I did not want to win by only the SuckUp vote.  My chili was just known by its name:  Mel’s Whore Chili and the number 1.  Fairsy.

Just so you know, I make fun of all those cooking shows, from Rachel on down to that blonde guy who screams at his chefs.  The women in my family read recipe books like dime store novels, passing them around, and giggling over their discoveries.  I could eat Cheerios, turkey sandwiches on white bread, and meatloaf every day with a Diet Coke Chaser if it were up to me.  Kansas.

Still, I just knew I could win the chili contest.  Have you heard Billy’s Pretty Good at Drinking Beer song?  I am pretty good at eating chili.  How hard could making it be?

The entire office staff sampled, compared, and swirled chili around their mouths just like Bobby Flay would.  I was away from the office during the contest.  Truth: I was simply too nervous.  But…drumroll, I won.  A fair vote, I did not give anyone even a sly wink as in “Vote for the boss’s chili.”  I am above that.

The office was shocked when it was announced who the winning chef was—how did I have time to create this awarding winning chili?  Someone else must have made it for me, someone said.  Another said, “Did he buy it from a restaurant?”

I agreed to write down my recipe just to prove it.  So, here it is.

Mel’s Whore Chili

1. Go to Target

2. Buy 8 cans of chili

3. Only 2 can be the same brand

4. Pour in crockpot, stir

5. Heat on low for 4 hours.

This cooking thing is easier than I thought.  Methinks Naming the Recipe is the trick.  Mel’s Whore Chili, get it?

I kill me yet again.

It snows here in Minnesota.  But you know that.  We are getting snow again today.  And by snow I mean SNOW.

You outsiders—here are some things about how we do snow up here in Minnesota that you probably don’t know.

We shovel snow better than anyone else.  We have a variety of snow shovels like you have kitchen knives.  We have the heavy one, made of metal, so we can just push the snow aside.  This works great when there’s only three inches or so.  We have the funny shaped one, made of plastic, for the heavier snows, so we can lift it.  Oh, we also have snow BLOWERS.  These run on gas and blow the snow into the neighbor’s yard.  Since they run on gas, they don’t work all the time;  hence, the snow shovel rules.  I forgot, we also have an ice pick type shovel to get the ice off the walk, too.    Pictured: the snow fairy.

Our crack local weatherman, Paul Douglas, predicts between one to two feet of snow, yet today.

Some people hire their people to shovel snow.  There are lots of guys with four-wheel drive pick-ups with massive blades on the front who will do your driveway.   A short driveway costs you $25-40, well worth it in missed chiropractor appointments.  Some people here have their own  big snow blowers for their driveways.  Those blow the snow past the neighbor and over to Wisconsin.  I decided to buy another car instead.  An S-U-V.  D’oh. I do have a little snow blower that won’t start.

You may be wondering about our streets.  Fair enough,  because I know your own city’s snow removal program is called SPRING.  But we (they) are awesome at this.  If you go out on our beltway this morning, you will see three or four ginormous snow plow trucks with blades, with salt shakers behind them, in a row, cleaning off four lanes of road in one sweep (see pic above).  They can go for hours doing this.  For most Minnesotans, the popularity rank order goes–Governor, the high school hockey coach, then snow plow drivers.  We love those guys.

We also shovel the snow off our roofs.  No, really.  If you don’t, you see, when it melts, the dreaded ice dam happens and I don’t need to tell you the mess that makes inside.  In fact, near where I live, Max McGee, the ex-ex-Packer fell off his roof getting leaves off the roof before he had to shovel snow off later. He was 75.

We’re crazy like that.  I mean every year someone dies because they drove their snowmobile too close to the open water on the lake. “Hey Billy, let’s see how close we can get to the edge of the ice!!”

But ever since the McGee accident, and as soon as it snows  six inches, Minnesota wives start asking,”Honey, isn’t it about time to do the roof?”  I think they know something.

Sunday Follow Up.  Reports showed that it snowed a bit less than 20 inches yesterday.  But it did collapse the MetroDome at 5 am this morning, see it happen here: http://www.newser.com/story/107387/vikings-dome-collapses-in-blizzard.html

MetroDome officials hired some men to crawl up there and shovel THAT roof.  Wives are calling the Caved Roof Hotline, volunteering their husbands for the duty.

Pic above is the MetroDomc, normal.  Below,  caved in.  BTW, it is over 9 acres.

This story reminded me of the Business Challenge by Mark Cuban almost two years ago where he invited entrepreneurs to write in with their business idea.  The deal was that people had to describe their idea without regard for confidentiality.  If Mark liked the idea, he may or may not fund it.

So…here is my own Power of Ideas Challenge…for all of you would-be entrepreneurs who just need THE idea.  Why not review the over 2,000 business ideas in Mark Cuban’s blog, and see if you can adapt or change one of them. Or better yet, fund one of them yourself.  I don’t think Mr. Cuban funded THAT many.

If you ever doubt the American spirit or ability to generate ideas, just read through the entries today.

Isn’t American great?  Personally, I gave up on color back in the 1980’s.  I can’t tell green from aqua and certainly not teal from quickgivemeanothercolor.  But Honeysuckle?  Last I recall that was a plant, not  a color.  Ok, vine.

If you have ever had to paint your ceiling, you know there is no longer just simple White paint.  There’s Ceiling white but not wall white.  There’s Cloud White, Right White, Eggshell, White Satin and Off.  I am sure there are more.  It is all pretty confusing.

For most men, getting dressed in the morning is yet another case of staring in the mirror, wondering if we can  avoid that one question, “Does this go?”  I hate asking that question because invariably it means I have to take something off and rummage through my closet to find something else.  Repeat.

Two decades ago, a very popular business guy here in my town always wore the same thing, a sincere blue suit with a vest, white shirt, various ties, black shoes.  He confessed he owned three of exactly the same suit.  He was my hero.  I adapted his idea and now only wear black pants, black belt, black shoes, black socks.  I go crazy with the shirt.  I am telling you, this is a tip you know you will like, at least until Garanimals For Men hit the market.

Scott Adams’ recent post National Discard Day reminded me to delete all the emailed questions I get from jobseekers and HR people.  Before I did so, I thought I would pound out a few answers to a few of the most common questions.  Sorry the answers are so short.  I am an expert on Short.

1.  Why is it so hard to get a job? So many emailers asked me this question this year, I wrote a logical explanation here.

2.  Why won’t they hire me? This is really a request for an affirmation, as in you want me to say “You are OK, It’s them, not you.”  Regrettably, this is not true.  If you had something they wanted, they’d hire you.

3.  What do you think about the extension of un-employment benefits? I don’t like them, except for my family members and friends.

4.  My wife won’t listen to me, but will take YOUR advice, why is that? Cosi fan tutti. (see PEpps)

5.  Do you twitter? Only after I eat Mexican food.

6.  You promote LinkUp in your blog, why? Because chances are that one of you readers will do something to help us get the word out.  So far, you suck at it.  No ‘fense.

7.  What advice do you have for a new blogger? Don’t expect anything until you have written 1500 posts, so sayth Seth Godin.  This is my 1,377th.

8.  Will you review my business plan? Sure.  What’s in it for me?  And no, I won’t sign a confidentiality agreement.

9.  Who is CAL? You mean Curmudgeon at Large?  That’s Toby.

10.  Will you mention me in your blog for money? Yes.

11.  Will you review my book? I don’t have time to edit my own stuff, much less read yours.  I am a baby boomer, I already know pretty much what I need to know.

12.  Who makes YOU laugh? Such a good question–here’s my-top-of-mind answer:  Maddox, Scott Adams, MagnificentBastard, Laurie Ruettimann, ThisIsn’tHappiness, ShitMyDadSays (the twitter one), Paul Epps, WhyRUStalkingme..I better stop because I am going to leave someone out.  I laugh alot.

13.  What was your worst idea? Today?  Well, I never thought that expensive coffee shops would work out.  And I was convinced that if we sent Seth Godin an IPAD with the LinkUp app installed, he would see it and just mention it somewhere.

14.  Do you personally have another idea for a start-up? Yes.

15.  Do you think I should start a company? Here is the most detailed answer I can give you.

16.  Any simple words of advice? “Everyone over 30 has A-D-D,” me.

That is all I have time for today.

It is common knowledge that we learn in lists (Here are the three things you need to remember, Johnny) or in nursery-type rhymes (30 days hath September…50 years later and I still USE that one).

Since so many of the bloggers you read use lists, including yours truly.  I thought I would take a few minutes to create some new rhymes for you.  Ten of them.

1. How To Get the Interview

Network and ask,

Network and ask,

Then bask.

2.  First Day on the Job

Pay attention, smile.

At lunch, go;

Bitch sessions, don’t go.

Open your mouth, no.

But have fun, yo.

3.  On Saving Money When Unemployed

Coffee is ok at Pantry Pride,

Gas is pricey, lose the ride,

Cancel package of NFL,

It’ll all be well.

4. How To Search for a New Job

Don’t go where everyone goes,

A Big job board blows,

Check out their career portal,

Or stand on the corner,

and yodel.

5.  What Not to Say

Last company sucked,

Systems I bucked,

I want your job,

May I call you Bob?

6.  Big Questions

Tell me ’bout You?

What happened, this year or two?

For us, got a skill?

Are you ready for a thrill?

7.  Not Going to Happen

Pay me not to work,

My middle name is Shirk,

We should make a rule,

That those who already have a job,

Can’t be cruel.

8.  Advice-Givers

You’re not my Dad,

His advice is always Bad,

Well, most.

He did get smarter,

When I got older.

9.  Can’t Get a Job

But I am charismatic,

Only a slight asthmatic,

I like my iron.

10.  Job Searching

What I do is,

Send out 100 resumes a day,

Only by email,

Saving money here,

Got a beer?

Ed. Note: Hat tip to TheCynicalGirl for reminding me of this, this morning. Number one on my list: Steal Ideas from others.

AskMen

Artwork

No.10 – Air traffic controller (Via Linkup.com: 649 openings)

Highest salary: $109,220
Training time: 9 years

Employed almost exclusively by the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA), air traffic controllers are responsible for the safe operation of private and commercial aircraft. Responsibilities include coordinating movement of air traffic to keep planes at safe distances from one another and minimize traffic delays. Typically, a team works together to communicate with pilots and warn about weather patterns, and to help planes position for takeoff, landing and taxiing to the gate.

To become an air traffic controller, you must enroll in an FAA-approved program and pass an aptitude test. Exceptions may be made for those with military or aviation experience. A four-year degree and three years of work experience are typically required, and you must apply to take the exam. If you are selected and you pass, you’ll have to attend a 12-week training session before working as a development controller for two to four years. Only after that will you be ready to be hired as an air traffic controller.

No.9 – Marketing manager  (On www.LINKUP.com: 103,862)

Highest salary: $110,000
Training time: 4 to 6 years

Marketing managers, like CEOs, span all sorts of industries and levels of responsibility. A small accounting firm may have a marketing manager to help coordinate Yellow Pages advertisements and Chamber of Commerce appearances, while that marketing manager’s Fortune 500 peer is responsible for the execution of a multimillion-dollar marketing budget that encompasses a plethora of marketing media. Marketing managers can be expected to handle items such as public relations, brand development, media buying, collateral and promotions development and even financial metrics and analytics.

The scope of a marketing manager’s responsibilities is a function of the organization’s size and intended clientele. For instance, the marketing manager of a Fortune 500 company serving a consumer audience will have a far larger task than the marketing manager at a small business-to-business consulting firm. Communication skills, marketing prowess and basic management skills all come into play. In most cases, marketing managers have a four-year degree, and an MBA will definitely help in higher-level executive marketing positions.

No.8 – Lawyers and judges (Open now at LinkUp.com: 368)

Highest salary: $113,000
Training time: 7 years

The legal system is tied into nearly every aspect of our society — and there is no shortage of attorney classifications that you can aspire to. We are all familiar with personal injury and criminal attorneys, but the variety of lawyers reaches far beyond that. Environmental law, entertainment law, family law, real estate law, intellectual property and civil law are a handful of the fields that need lawyers. Some attorneys choose to specialize in a particular industry, such as construction, waste management, securities or insurance, while others will review agreements, represent the court or mediate. Later on in their careers, some lawyers will sit as judges.

The industry is highly regulated and adheres to a stringent code of ethics. Lawyers must pass the bar examination offered by the state in which they wish to practice. However, in most cases, to be eligible to sit for the bar, you must have a four-year degree and have graduated from an ABA-accredited law school, which takes about three years.

No.7 – Computer and information systems manager (137,881 on LinkUp.com)

Highest salary: $113,700
Training time: 4 to 8 years

Computer and information systems managers are responsible for the overall strategy and direction of the company’s information technology (IT) and systems plan. Many start out as programmers or data analysts, but as they acquire experience and conceptual knowledge, they can become capable of overseeing the information systems management of entire enterprises. In today’s technological environment, most companies regard this as a highly valued position and pay accordingly. Elements of the job include overseeing a company’s IT security, information management, information technology deployment, software and application selection, revenue assurance, and compliance.

When the field was relatively new, there were stories of gifted programmers who rose to top positions without any formal training or education. Today, however, with the wide corporate acceptance of information technology, more of an emphasis is placed on new candidates having a four-year degree in computer science, computer engineering or mathematics, and even advanced degrees.

No.6 – Natural sciences manager (Jobs open at LinkUp: 3,425)

Highest salary: $114,600
Training time: 6 years

Natural science managers oversee the work of other scientists, such as agricultural scientists, chemists, biologists and geologists. They are commonly employed in the research and development field and work in pharmaceutical and environmental consulting or municipal organizations. Natural science managers often own their own consulting or testing firms and can serve as expert witnesses in court hearings.

A bachelor’s degree is absolutely required, and to work your way up the ladder, an MBA or doctorate is strongly advised. Fortunately, many employers will pay educational costs. The best and highest-paid natural science managers have an aptitude for key business functions, such as marketing, sales and finance. These skills are valuable because it often takes a combination of business acumen and specialized knowledge to present and communicate ideas and concepts in a sophisticated sales environment.

No.5 – Engineering manager (70,553 openings on LinkUp)

Highest salary: $117,000
Training time: 6 to 7 years

Engineering managers are responsible for plans, coordination, research, design and production activities. Frequently, engineering managers oversee natural science managers and information systems managers — two professions that also made this list. Typically, engineering managers determine specific technical or scientific goals, provide broad outlines, plan the execution of projects and, in some cases, are responsible for their financial viability. For example, engineering managers may be actively involved in the development of a real estate community, or they may work in the manufacturing space to solve technical problems. However, managers who deal with semiconductors and electronic component manufacturing are among the highest-paid.

Most engineering managers have bachelor’s degrees, and many will pursue post-graduate degrees, such as an MBA, a Master of Science or a doctorate.

No.4 – Dentist (1,190 jobs)

Highest salary: $145,320
Training time: 8 years

There are quite a few specialties — orthodontics, oral surgery and pediatrics to name a few — within the dental field, although many graduates of dental school opt to become general practitioners. Dentists in private practice will commonly oversee business operations, including administration and bookkeeping. All states require dentists to be licensed, so candidates must graduate from one of the 56 dental schools accredited by the ADA. Graduates must also pass both written and practical exams. While most dental schools require only two years of college-level education, most candidates obtain their bachelor’s degree. Dental school for general practitioners takes three to four years, and if you wish to specialize, you can plan on an additional two to five years of training.

No.3 – Psychiatrist  (Openings on www.LINKUP.com-596)

Highest salary: $179,195
Training time: 10 to 14 years

Psychiatrists are medical doctors who study and treat mental disorders, frequently attaining a specialization with a specific demographic or mental illness. As they are trained physicians, psychiatrists must complete a bachelor’s degree and subsequently attend medical school. After this, they train as a resident for up to an additional four years. Finally, they must pass both written and oral examinations to be certified.

As a result of all of this training, aspiring psychiatrists are often saddled with debt. Fortunately, there is a range of employment available. Psychiatrists work with all age groups: office workers, law enforcement, the military, statisticians, geneticists and even superstar athletes — just to name a few.

No.2 – CEO  (LinkUp: 1,630)

Highest average salary: $217,770
Training time: Varies

A CEO is the highest-ranking (and often the highest-paid) official within a company, and is responsible for the company’s strategic direction and day-to-day operational performance. The CEO usually answers to the board of directors, which is elected by the shareholders. In smaller companies, however, the CEO is not only the Chairman of the Board, but he can also be the entire board of directors.

There are many paths to becoming a CEO. In large Fortune 500 companies, you are just as likely to see an employee with more than 30 years experience in the company become the head honcho as you are to see the company hire a seasoned executive manager. It is also possible to form your own company and simply name yourself CEO, then build your business until you are actually overseeing many levels of management and development.

In the corporate world, a bachelor’s degree is almost ubiquitous and an MBA is encouraged, though it’s not necessary — we all know that Bill Gates is an inspirational dropout.

No.1 – Medical professional  (available now: 65,993 on LinkUp)

Highest average salary: $251,520
Training time: 10 to 15 years

While many medical professionals rank high on the pay scale, those who work in the OR are the highest-paid — specifically, surgeons who specialize in the treatment of illness or injury and anesthesiologists, who administer anesthetics during operations. As such, most surgeons opt to specialize in a specific area, like the heart or the brain.

Even for general practitioners, pediatricians and podiatrists, who tend to earn the less than other physicians, the very specific knowledge they require in order to effectively perform their jobs can only be obtained through additional formal training and many years of hands-on experience. Of course, a four-year degree is required to even begin along this path, preferably in biology or other sciences because these fields provide basic knowledge that will be applied in medical school. After college, med school will demand another four years  — the first two years will be in classrooms, and the last two will involve working with patients under the direction of physician educators. A residency is the next step, and this can last from three to seven years, depending on the candidate’s desire to specialize. A candidate must also pass a licensing examination.

While the profession can be lucrative, it is certainly not easy or cheap: More than 80% of medical school graduates carry a debt.