Could Jose Maria Olazabal be bringing green jackets and tiki taka to Ewood Park?

By Sam Holdsworth

Blackburn Rovers are set to offer their vacant managerial post to Jose Maria Olazabal after captaining the European Ryder Cup golf team to victory over the U.S.

The Spaniard is understood to have been offered the job following his team’s sensational comeback heroics in last week’s competition which caught the eye of Blackburn Rover’s Indian owners.

Sanjay Durrani, spokesperson for Blackburn Rover’s owners Venky’s London Limited said, “The tactics and composure that Jose showed during that competition is exactly what we need at Blackburn. If he can mastermind a comeback like that then imagine what he could do if we were 1-0 down away to Burnley.”

To the footballing community the move would appear unorthodox considering Olazabal’s top golfing pedigree and lack of football knowledge. However the Venky’s firmly believe this is the right decision to make in order to continue their estranged relationship with Blackburn fans.

“It’s a great way to piss them off,” Durrani commented. “By appointing a golfer as our manager we will draw more unwanted attention on Blackburn Rovers fans, and on the Venky’s, which will give us more exposure than we could have imagined, and ultimately lead to selling more chickens. And that’s the name of the game, selling chickens.”

With such a bold move one would expect Blackburn supporters to question the decision, but some fans are warming to the idea of having a golfer as the gaffer.

Terry George, a Rovers fan of 37 years said, “He has to be better than Kean, let’s be honest. The man couldn’t win a raffle so I am willing to give Olazabal a go. The only question now is what rhymes with Olazabal?”

It isn’t known whether Olazabal will accept the job, but rumours are already circulating over the former Masters champion’s backroom staff. Bookmakers have made Miguel Angel Jiminez short odds to fill the assistant manager role, with Darren Clarke as fitness coach, and Ian Poulter donning the captains armband rounding out the dugout.

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The gentleman facing the wrong way clearly has a long way to go to perfect watching football.

By Alice Gregg

Manchester United Football supporters believe their latest chant aimed at Liverpool fans has been taken out of context following condemnation by Sir Alex Ferguson and club officials.

The incident took place at Old Trafford during Manchester United’s 4-0 defeat of Wigan, and saw United fans singing ‘Always the victim, it’s never your fault’ in reply to the release of the Hillsborough Report, which effectively cleared Liverpool Football Club of any blame.

MUFC Supporters Club President Don Triffit insists that while he admits the song could be taken the wrong way the intention is completely the opposite. “We’re aghast really. We enjoy the banter with Liverpool as much as any other club, if not more.  Now all of a sudden our new tune created to show them solidarity and that we’re on their side has been woefully misinterpreted,” said Triffit.

Triffit pointed out that this wasn’t the first time a football chant had been taken the wrong way.

“We are a group that try to create a positive message around our songs. Several years ago we wanted to show our support for the government’s anti-obesity campaign, so we came up with ‘Who ate all the pies?’ Now it’s used as a derogatory chant for fat people.

“We also happen to be very proud of the work we do publicising the National Health Service’s outstanding facilities and community care through our song ‘You’re going home in an ambulance’. And no-one else was brave enough to stick up for vulnerable women in a harsh and judgemental society but whenever we suspect that a baby might be going hungry because of the outdated attitudes that embarrass new mothers we’re always ready to sing ‘Get Your Tits Out for the Lads,’” explained Triffit.

Despite the Supporters Club insistance of sincerity things are set to hit fever pitch this weekend as liverpool host Manchester United in what promises to be a fiery Barclay’s Premiership encounter.

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Ronaldo fails to celebrate a goal for Real Madrid as he contemplates life without Diego

By Jack Leonard

Details have finally started to emerge of the underlying issue resulting in Cristiano Ronaldo’s recent sadness.

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Sturridge and Walcott will be hoping England fixtures don’t coincide with their time of the month

By Alice Gregg

The international careers of Daniel Sturridge and Theo Walcott are in jeopardy following their withdrawal from England’s World Cup qualifier with Ukraine at Wembley.  The two footballers’ future availability on certain dates may now be limited after it was announced that they were forced to withdrawal due to stomach pains.

Arsenal forward Walcott claimed to have a stomach illness while Chelsea striker Sturridge cited stomach cramps following a light training session yesterday.  While the pair’s condition appeared not serious, matters soon escalated when they were seen by the England team’s doctor, Dr Brian Maloney.

“It was crazy”, explained Dr Maloney. “They both produced a sick note from their mums.  I was immediately concerned,  as not only did both notes have handwriting like a right handed person writing with their left hand, but they also misspelled ‘stomach’.

As if the sick notes weren’t enough, what Maloney read next shocked him.

“The notes were legible enough for me make out, ‘Please let my son miss the game today as it is his time of the month’. Clearly, something was up.

“This being an all-male environment it really isn’t my area of expertise but I understand that this sort of synchronisation can sometimes occur.  I therefore had to advise that they both be withdrawn from the squad before any of the other players caught menstruation”, said Dr Maloney.

The F.A. remains quiet on the incident; however, rumours are immerging that they are willing to embrace the situation in an effort to potentially open up new sponsorship avenues. It is unknown whether Cadbury or Ben and Jerry’s are interested.

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Liverpools poor form might be directly related to the lack of facial hair amongst the clubs current players

By Marcus Braddock

Following his teams dismal 2-0 defeat at home to Arsenal, Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers is looking to old faces to bolster his flailing side. The Club had previously been linked with ex-Anfield regulars Michael Owen and Emile Heskey but have drawn a blank, so the new manager is looking further back into their history for an answer.

Speaking outside the clubs Melwood training ground Brendan Rodgers explained the method behind his madness.

“It’s apparent that we have a problem up front with Andy Carroll moving to West Ham and obviously no replacement, so I’ve had to look in unusual places for potential replacements.” He continued, “Talking to Michael (Owen) and Emile (Heskey) made me think how far back we can go? There are a fair few legends from this club that might still be kicking about and interested in reviving their careers.”

So far Rodgers has confirmed that he is in talks with 1980’s Liverpool legend Ian Rush, who already works within the Liverpool setup, as well as 1960’s goal scoring legend Ian St John, with both veterans reportedly keen to pull on the red shirt for a very late swansong.

St John spoke exclusively to the Daily Numpty about his health and commitment to help out his club.

“I may be in my 70’s but I can still kick a ball, as long as it’s not moving, and as long as it’s not too cold out. Do they still have square posts?” said St John.

In related Anfield News, Liverpool chairman Tom Werner refused to be drawn on Brendan Rodgers poor start to the season and refuted claims that they were to reanimate Bill Shankly as his replacement.

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Barton gives the thumbs up to Marseille fans as the youth team he’ll soon terrorise watch on

By John Welsh

Monday 27th August

My agent Willie Mackay phoned to tell me that Marseille want to take me on a season long loan. Apparently they play in France and speak French. I’ve always wanted to learn French, and Cisse’s taught me some words, like ‘pipi’, which means ‘piss’, as in ‘pipi off frog’!

Hughesy isn’t speaking to me. People think it’s due to my sending off at Man City last season, but it’s not that at all. The real reason is that I beat him at cards recently and won a lot of money. It’s only a game!

Tuesday 28th August

Marseille’s chairman is coming to London to talk to me. I must remember to learn some more French from Cisse.

Sparkey’s not happy again; he wants me to go to France so that he doesn’t lose his house at cards. So he sent me to train with the kids. I showed off my skills, and kicked a few of them. They thought I was double-hard.

Andy Johnson is organising a sweepstake. How many red cards I’ll get in France, assuming I sign for Marseille. Anton Ferdinand has picked ten. I’ll show them I’ve turned over a new leaf, or feuille. Bobby Zamora mentioned that if I do get sent off, the suspension must be served in the French Foreign Legion. He’s having a laugh.

Wednesday 29th August

Had to apologise to the Marseille chairman after a breakdown in communication. Aparantly I called his mother a slapper! Not a good start – thanks for the stitch up Cisse.

Anyway, couldn’t have been too bad as I’ve been invited to Marseille for a look around tomorrow. So in an effort to fit in with the locals I popped down to the market and brought a beret. Cisse told me they’re like chick magnets. Maybe I should grow my mo back too, the French birds will love that? Nah, that’d be too easy.

Cisse also told me about some areas in Marseille to visit. He asked if I’d seen a film called French Connection 2, which I hadn’t. He mentioned that the main character, Popeye Doyle, went to some nice places. Hope they like my beret. I’m booked on the 8.00am flight tomorrow.

Thursday 30th August

I arrived at the airport and they asked for my passport. I said what’s that? My agent eventually sorted it.

At Marseille it was hot; I should have brought my sun glasses and bathing trunks. I can’t understand a word anybody is saying. Somebody said, “‘Vous etes Anglais,” or something. What?

I went to a restaurant and I remember all the lads told me to try some L’Escargot. They all reckoned it was like curry chip but even better. I couldn’t wait.

Bloody plate full of snails?! Those muppets. I wasn’t happy.

Might go show off my beret around town a bit later on tonight. Then back to the hotel, watch a bit of my signed copy of ‘Vinnie’s Revenge’, then off to bed. Big day tomorrow at the club.

Friday 31st August

Went to the ground to sign the forms and meet the players. First training session went well, but only managed to kick three players. The manager told me that I would be unavailable for the weekend, so I was free to explore Marseille.

Looked around the club and discovered that Eric Cantona played here. He went on to kick someone and be a decent player, so I think I’m half way there.

Off to explore Marseille now – might try and look for some of these French Connection 2 locations. Hope they have a Tesco Express nearby.

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The Anfield Stadium store has run out of football boots as fans anticipate game time

By Bob Hennigan

A war of words has erupted between the Liverpool Supporter’s Club and the security company responsible for enforcing the safety policy at Anfield.

The trouble started when Nick Polizzi, Head of Security at Anfield, took to the radio waves on Monday to explain the clubs stance on “weapons” being seized by security staff ahead of last weekend’s home game against Arsenal.

“Some of the supporters are turning up with large, studded missiles. Some of them are concealed, but it’s alarming just how many of them will actually show up with weapons draped over their shoulders, tied together, like Nun-chuks,” Mr Polizzi explained.

Barry Parry, chairman of the Liverpool Supporter’s Association, was quick to counter Mister Polizzi’s claims on talk radio. “Polizzi’s talking rubbish. Liverpool supporters aren’t interested in provoking trouble and we certainly aren’t bringing ‘studded-missiles’ to matches. Supporters have merely been showing up with their own football boots. I mean, they could be used as weapons, but who’s likely to throw away a pair of £120 Predators? You’d have to be mad!”

Asked why Liverpool supporters were turning up en-masse with their own boots, Parry replied, “Well after off-loading Carroll to West Ham, we’ve only got two strikers left on our books. I mean, over the course of the season, an opportunity is bound to present itself, isn’t it?”

Parry further explained that the Kop have also cut back on the half time pies and have taken to ‘warming up’ when either of the strikers go down injured.

Brendan Rodgers was unavailable to comment on the latest matter; however, a spokesman for Liverpool Football Club said it was ‘unlikely’ that a supporter would get a run out this season.

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Could Sideshow Bob-a-like David Luiz be a replacement for Barcelona’s Puyol?

By Ian John

Transfer Rumours: Silly Season Starts as Transfer Window Looms

As the transfer deadline draws near and as Sky Sports bring Jim White out of mothballs, the scene is set for what promises to be another frantic day of unsubstantiated rumours and general fabrication. The Twitter feeds are bound to go crazy to the chirrups of misguided fans opining, “Just saw Lionel Messi outside the manager’s office at Deepdale! Heard it here first!”

Our personal favourite is Sideshow Bob-a-like David Luiz reportedly wanted by Barcelona as an ideal replacement for, well their own Sideshow Bob-chewing-a-wasp-a-like Carlos Puyol. Roberto Mancini is also said to be interested in Luiz after complaining that his current Manchester City squad (costing £447.9 million) isn’t “good enough”. City have also been linked with Javi Martinez and Daniele De Rossi to ensure new £15m signing Jack Rodwell doesn’t actually have to play a game. And it looks like Mancini will have Scott Sinclair to replace Adam Johnson in the role of ‘talented English winger who wastes two seasons sitting in the stands while earning wads of Dubai cash before moving on to Sunderland’.

With Luka Modric taking the filthy lucre on offer at Real Madrid, Spurs have made Rennes midfield Yann M’Vilaa top target which has made Arsene Wenger stifle a sniffle at the prospect of losing a midfielder he covets. I’ve Gotta Feelin’ that Spurs have also been strongly linked with Fulham’s Moussa Dembele and Will-i-an, not the Black Eyed Peas songster, but the Shakhtar Donetsk midfielder.

Wenger may soften the M’Vila blow by trying to persuade Yohan Cabaye that he’d be better playing in the red and white of Arsenal. Who’d have thought it, Wenger buying a foreign-based diminutive technically astute central midfielder?

If Swansea let Scott Sinclair go to warm the benches at the Ettihad, then they’ll look to replace him with Blackpool winger Thomas Ince. Meanwhile another Championship prospect, Liam Moore of Leicester City, is believed to be attracting attention from some of the Premier League’s top sides such as Everton, Tottenham and Manchester United. Aston Villa and Sunderland are also believed to be in the mix.

Liverpool boss Brendan Rogers has stated he needs a few new faces. Martin Skrtel could do with one, though that’s not really a transfer rumour more of a general observation.

Andy Carroll’s will-he, won’t-he saga will likely continue right up until everyone gets bored of it. Newcastle are still interested, but their offer of 2 bags of coal and a half-day loan of a mangy, 12-year old whippet, for a player Liverpool sent £35m their way for 18 months ago, isn’t really going down too well on Merseyside.

Still, if Newcastle wants an expensive ex-striker who can’t get in the team and doesn’t score many goals,Michael Owen is still available.

Lastly, spare a thought for Kaka. Real Madrid wants to get rid of him, Kaka wants to leave, but no club wants to sign him, and considering even Joey Barton is wanted by Marseille that is a frightening thought.

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Owen always has horse racing on his mind even when playing his two customary exhibition matches a year

By John Welsh

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Fellaini looks to the heavens following his winner against Manchester United in their opening weekend fixture

By Sam Holdsworth 

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