This Ain't No Effin Mom blog

My life's lessons..

2009-07-14T17:26:00.000-04:00

I have learned that most people you meet in your life will inevitably be an asshole to you at some point.

That true compassion hardly exists.

That being honest even though it's hurtful is helpful.

That hatred is really left to sociopaths but disliking is completely normal.

That telling one to go fuck themselves is a soulful neccesity...

Click Here for the Moms that I cant stand series..

Twitter's biggest TWIT !!

2009-07-12T10:30:00.003-04:00

_Dani

Queenie249

As some of you may know, I like to play on twitter.
My name just so happens to be @___Dani__ .
While playing with my friend @Queenie249 aka the blog writer of WTF, this lady pops up out of no where, her screen name being very similar to mine except it's Dana.
Let me just tell you how retarded this chic is.
She was genuinely pissed that our names were similar, so mad in fact that she had to e-mail me about it.
Here's a run off of the funny convo that me and Queenie had with this psycho bitch

_dana__RT @andycrash--->@___Dani__: hey, you guys remember homey the clown ? [me~THERE IS SOMEONE WHO ALSO THOUGHT OF SAME FLOURISH* W SIM NAME??!]

Remember Dana is our nemesis !!

dana__Theregoesthegoodmood.about 19 hours ago from Tweetie

__dana_ Yeah, but sorry, this is all a bit too wierd for me.Have been on twitter4 quite some time...my name is intentionally unique--um._
_danaGetting off Twitter for a bit. That twitter name thang is a bit too wierd. I am just saying.

Now after all of her sorry shallow remarks , Queenie and myself decided to have a lil fun.
___Dani__@Queenie249 ok I got a good one for ya.. This lady is genuinly mad bc her name is similar to mine.. Too funny
Queenie249@___Dani__ she's a twitter tweet? twit?
Queenie249@___Dani__ what a fucking dipshit.. dana dani.I think we are smart enough to figure out the difference. I know I am not sure bout Kelly Dawn
___Dani__@Queenie249 whoo hoo !! I'm telling ya girl some people are just that "special" , let's have fun!!
Queenie249@___Dani__ I'm such an ass
___Dani__@Queenie249 y that what u do now ??? ;)
Queenie249@___Dani__ she is a fucktard.. wtf? she needs laid or something..
Queenie249@___Dani__ we all need to do a bunch of names close to hers and freak her ass out for real
Queenie249@___Dani__ I don't know what the hell she is so worked up over.. she has three twitter accounts
___Dani__@Queenie249 seriously? All Dana I'm guessing?

NOW PLEASE NOTE THE NEW USER NAME THAT QUEENIE MADE.
Fuktard__Dana__@Queenie249 hi.. I'm _dona_ yea.. I so rock.. not like that other nutcase,, _dana_
Queenie249@___Dani__ yes.. she's an actress you know.. they have special rules to play by.like um.. DANA.pretty fucking common name.. why so freaked?
___Dani__@Queenie249 omg goes to show why she's so fucking shallow!!!
___Dani__@Queenie249 I'm gonna ask her if she's a porn actress now!! Lol
Fuktard__Dana__@___Dani__ You fucking know it.. wait.. fuck.. porn star Dana... WTF? yeppers.. it's all coming together now..
Fuktard__Dana__WTF? WTF did I miss.. what's too funny.. is Porn star Dana on here again.. she stole my name!!! if peeps are looking for me.. send them

I don't want to bore you guys with the rest but needless to say Queenie and I had a blast with this very shallow bitch !!

Click Here for the Moms that I cant stand series..

It hates me !!

2009-07-08T03:36:00.001-04:00

There's been something funky with my blog lately.
I've come to the conclusion that it hates me.
Hmmmmm, if I go missing it's because my blog put a hit out for me..

Click Here for the Moms that I cant stand series..

Did I mention this ?

2009-07-06T01:44:00.000-04:00

Did I ever mention how much I HATE NANCY GRACE ???

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Life ?

2009-07-02T21:27:00.003-04:00

Ahh it's summer time which means no time to write.
Actually , I blame most of that on work and life and wish it was vacation.
All is well except for my lack of time.
Just wanted to say sorry but I'll be kicking some ass with some kick ass stories.
Until then guys :
Click Here for the Moms that I cant stand series..

Tip/t of the Day!!!

2009-06-29T21:15:00.000-04:00

Tip of the day :
Don't try to flat iron your hair with a real iron..
I burned myself on my forehead, and my face and other things.......

and for this week's
Tit of the day !!!

Click Here for the Moms that I cant stand series..

Eff you Friday !! dedicated to Da Old Man !!

2009-06-26T03:55:00.002-04:00

I don't know about you guys but it's been one hell of a week !!!
Not only did we loose 2 icons ( Farah Fawcett and Michael Jackson), but one of the humor blogger's icon's is currently being hospitalized, my dear friend Da Crotchety Old Man.
Joe, man you better be ok !!!!

So this week's Eff You is dedicated to Joe and is a shout out to the world, telling it to go fuck itself for being so unfucking fair sometimes !!
Please feel free to add your own " fuck you"..

Click Here for the Moms that I cant stand series..

Sometimes I just don't know..

2009-06-24T17:28:00.001-04:00

I swear to you I feel like a robot that doesn't know anything , ever !!
I'm sorry for not being funny today, I just don't have it in me lately.
Damn I suck huh ?
Click Here for the Moms that I cant stand series..

Tit of the DAY !!!

2009-06-22T21:31:00.002-04:00

ok, the tip :

Don't ever get a root canal ever !!
Just pull the fucking thing, if I only knew !!

Next, the tits:

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Hey PETA EFF You !!

2009-06-21T14:19:00.004-04:00

This is coming straight form the heart of a Vegan too !!!
Fuck you PETA
:compliments of my almighty, obviously deceased, alligator head smoking a newport !!

A funny post ?

2009-06-19T17:05:00.001-04:00

I love my blog, I love my blog, I love my blog...

If I say this enough times a funny post will come out of my ass.. ?
Click Here for the Moms that I cant stand series..

How to prep for the puss eeeeeeee !!!

2009-06-15T15:09:00.003-04:00

Oh the pain...
If men only knew the preparation us woman have to go through to make our pussy's desirable.
No, not for YOU men, I mean for the gyno...
Yes, the pussy doctors..
You see, when we have to go for our annuals ..well that just means we have to prepare for it about a year a head of time...
Ok, so maybe not that long a head but a week at least.
Here is your easy step guide in preparing the pussy !!
Step one:
Take a shower approx one week before your appointment. Grab the scissors and a new razor cause baby you're hacking down the weeds !!!
Trim trim and trim the pussy, now don't shave it completely because the doc will just laugh at you...no, just hack it down to roughly the desired amount but please remember that you still have a weeks worth of growth before you go..
Why a week a head of time you ask ?
Simple, because if you do a bad hack job it can grow back..
Step Two:
NO, no , no, sex 2 days before your appointment..This way the gyno doesn't think you a fucking dirty whore and there's no spermies on your cervical slide..
Yes, this does mean that you're giving head for the next two days..
Step three:
Take a shower right before the appointment. Use your bestest shower gel that has the prettiest flower scent. This way you can say that your snatch really does smell like fucking flowers..
While in the shower, check your puss one last time for any hack job that you could have done prior.
Step four:
Go to the gyno and while waiting for the next hour, go to the ladies room and check your puss again. Just make sure the flower smell is still emitting from your vaginal orifice.
If not, than use your handy dandy wet wipe and scrub, scrub and scrub some more.
This should take care of it until you have to put your legs up in the air..
Hope I helped !!!

Click Here for the Moms that I cant stand series..

EFF YOU FRIDAY !!!

2009-06-12T15:28:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the delay guys but yu know what today is right ?
It's Fuck you Friday !!!
The name of the game ?
Gimme your best fuck you rant..
The winner receives the coolest award ever !!!
The infamous Eff You award..
Have fun and let em rip !!!!

Click Here for the Moms that I cant stand series..

A real conversation with an Indian..

2009-06-10T15:43:00.002-04:00

Damn he's hot !!!

First of all I have to say that I'm part Indian..politically correct..Native American..
I'm registered with the state.
Because I'm registered, I seem to be harassed with by them very often..
Here is a very recent conversation via phone that made me piss my pants..

Indian man--"Hello, is this crazy Dani ?"

Me: "Ummmm, I guess" ( My screen name)

Indian: "Well miss Crazy, I'm calling on behalf of the Navajo Nation..

Me: " You are ? " Hmmmm, Ya I don't think we have a Navajo Nation here, sorry."

Indian: " Well Miss Crazy, basically the reason for my call is to obtain food for our elders and youngings:.

Me: " Well, I do have some beets and left over cranberry sauce from ThanksGiving, Where do I send them ?"

Indian: " Ma'am I appreciate your offer but we're requesting that you send a money donation of about $100.00."

Me: " A 100.00 !!!! Are you fucking kidding me ? Don't you guys own a bazillion casinos and get government help ? Listen, I got 6 fucking kids and the state doesn't pay shit for me so...

Indian; " Ok Ma'am I understand, but would you be willing to make a $25.00 donation for clean water.

Me: " Wait, you guys live on reservations and don't have fucking clean water ?" Your reservations ARE here in the States no ?

Indian: " Well....yes..

Me: "Well, I think you and your nation have been drinking WAY too much fire water and hence the reason why you need help.

Indian: " Well Crazy, I need to go now, but may the Great Spirit be with you..

Me: " Is this the same Great Spirit that starves your elders and pollutes your water, cause uhhh I'm not so sure I want the great spirit with me?"

Indian: ----click--

Click Here for the Moms that I cant stand series..

Tit of the Day !!!

2009-06-08T13:25:00.003-04:00

When you have a great idea for a blog post..write it down, or you'll end up doing dumb shit like "tit of the day"..
This is what I get for having half a fucking brain !!!

Here's the almighty titty !!!

Click Here for the Moms that I cant stand series..

Boogers boogers everywhere !!

2009-06-04T02:46:00.002-04:00

I hate to talk about kids on my blog, but I had to write this one up..
My little one ( the 2 year old) has discovered a secret weapon. ( Damn he's a smart little fucker )
A weapon none of the others thought about using.
The weapon ?
Boogers..
Yes, you see little man has came to the understanding that ALL of mankind is afraid of boogers and that he can get what he wants with one in/on hand.
Witnessing the several events this past evening, Little Man evidently picks a fake booger for all to see.
He than keeps his fat little pointer finger in the upright position and then screams BOOOGIE to anyone that is near him.
Of course, anyone whom is sane enough will move out of the boys way.
This works to his advantage on almost ALL occasions.

" How he can get a cookie after someone drops it, running away from a boogie.."
" How he can move a sibling or two away from the dinner line so he can be first.."
" How he can convince Dad to let him outside.."
"How he can get the first hug of the day"...
I can keep going but I'm sure you get my drift..

I can say this though, he did realize that Mom eats boogies for lunch and that it doesn't work to0 well with me ... :)

Click Here for the Moms that I cant stand series..

I just don't care..

2009-06-03T03:45:00.003-04:00

Have you ever gotten to the point in your life when nothing matters anymore?
Now, this isn't some retarded as depression or anything, I think it's a conclusion.
I'm just so sick and tired of pleasing people all of the time when the same people can't do shit in return.
I'm also sick of people asking me to do shit, my saying yes and anticipating them to make their move and just never following through.
As if my sorry ass self is supposed to cater to them whenever and where ever..
Quit asking me to do shit if you really don't want me to do it !!
Pretty simple no ?

I just don't care anymore.
I make the rules and the rules say that I don't care.
No more bullshit..Ahhhhhhh

Click Here for the Moms that I cant stand series..

Shit that I can't stand !!!

2009-05-31T09:57:00.002-04:00

You know what I can't stand ?

Fucking free loading assholes.
I hate like fuck knowing that I have to bust my ass at work 80 hours a week to support my family, when half the people that I know are on some form of state and live better than me !!!

I hate it when people assume that because I work that they can ask my sorry ass for money, very often.
Don't these fucking people know that I got a jazillion kids ? Fuck, how can you not see them ?
I have to pay for my food with cash !!!
What burns my ass even more, is that I owe the fucking IRS money..
Now how is it that I work and support 4000 people, pay my fucking taxes and yet still owe those mother fuckers more ?
Fuck I need a vacation, oh wait, I can't , I have to pay the IRS...

Click Here for the Moms that I cant stand series..

That's it I quit..only 2 comments ?

2009-05-29T18:51:00.002-04:00

How is it that I've only gotten 2 comments today ?
Is my comment thing broken ?
Hmmmmmmm ? It is Fuck you Friday right ?
Okay, I'm done throwing my hissy fit !!!
:)

Click Here for the Moms that I cant stand series..

Thank God it's "FUCKING" Friday !!!

2009-05-29T08:33:00.000-04:00

Welcome back my dear friends to FUCK YOU FRIDAY !!!!
You know the name of the game..
Gimme your best fuck you rant..
The winner receives the glorious, most prestigious award EVER !!!
The EFF YOU award...
Have fun and let the fun begin !!!
Click Here for the Moms that I cant stand series..

Woman VS. Man

2009-05-27T08:38:00.003-04:00

Woman : " Hon, what do you want for dinner ?"

Man: " How about we go upstairs for dinner".

Woman: " No, seriously..all we have is ground beef."

Man: " I got some beef for ya right here."

Woman: " We've got some corn on the cob too that needs to be eaten."

Man: " I've got a long cob in my pants !!"

Woman: " Damn these dishes need to be done, it's making the whole house smell like ass !!"

Man: " Ooooo I'll take some ass too !!"

Woman: " What if I feel like sucking dick ?"

Man: " Awwwwwwww ..you feel sick ? "

Click Here for the Moms that I cant stand series..

EFF YOU Winners announced !!!

2009-05-25T14:27:00.002-04:00

So this week's comments were on the low side, must have been due to the holiday.
The comments that I did get though fucking rocked !!!
Damn did you guys have a bad week...
So here are my winners...
Chris from Maugeritaville.
Take a peek at his rant...
" And here. We. Go!

Normally buying my lunch at the grocery store is an easy task. Not this past Tuesday, which was apparently Elderly Retard Day, it wasn't. I got in the "express" lane behind about four people, with six more behind me. Elderly Retard #1 shuffles up with her cart-slash-walker and asks Elderly Retard #2 in front of me if she can cut in line. She's about to let her, when Mexican Guy in front of her says, "Chu get in line, lady!" E.R. #1 has the fucking audacity to get pissed, and she yells, I ONLY HAVE TWO ITEMS! Of course, "one" item was eighteen cans of cat food, but that's another story. Okay, in front of Mexican Guy is Elderly Retard #3, who is now at the front of the line and is apparently stunned by the fact that some sort of compensation is required for her twelve pack of Metamucil. After four swipes of the debit card, the checker points out that the card is backwards. She finally pays and gets the hell out of there. Now it's Mexican Guy's turn, and he spends five minutes going on and on about how he "doesn't believe in credit cards" because they take to long to use. Okay, eventually I pay for my FUCKING SALAD and go to my car. As I'm trying to drive out, there's E.R. #3 again, with her car blocking the drive and her car door wide open. Now, my car is not great, but it's about two levels of quality above the point where I'd just drive ahead and RIP HER FUCKING DOOR OFF! So while she's toddling to the front of her car in her red Crocs, purple skirt and multicolored MuuMuu, I'm FUCKING STEAMING!

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUUUUUUCCKKKK YOOOOOOOU!!!!"

My second place winner is none other than my home girl Etta from Sanity on the Edge
This what she had to say...
" My fucking day started off with a fucking bang when the fucking muffler broke off the fucking manifold and sounded like a fucking funny fucking car at the fucking redneck fucking races. Went to fucking get it fixed and fucking inspected and the fucking mechanic fucking tells the hubs we may have a stay on the fucking tags because we were too fucking worried about a low coolant fucked broken signal would fucking keep us from getting it to fucking pass the fucking inspection. So it fucking passes, he went to get the fucking tags and fucking wouldn't you fucking know it there WAS a fucking stay on the tags. That is TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY FUCKING DOLLARS! The nice fucking bitch told him to go to the tax office and the whole way there he is cussing ME the fuck out. Fucker. The fucking tax office say's oh you did pay your taxes, stupid fucking bitch,so he goes back (the little fucker, cuss Me out)to the fucking license plate place and gets the fucking tags. The moral of this is don't cuss Me you little fucker until you get your fucking story straight."

Wife Mom maniac came in a close tie though..bitching about psychotic Moms. Can't say that I blame her much, I can't stand them myself...fuckers !!

Congratulations to my winners...
Until next week, my cool kick ass friends !!!

Click Here for the Moms that I cant stand series..

FUCK YOU TWO !!!

2009-05-22T19:24:00.002-04:00

Welcome back to Fuck you Friday !!!
Because I've been delayed with my posting, I've decided to keep it up for two days, Friday and Saturday..
The objective ?
To give me your week's best " fuck you" rant..
The winner which shall be announced on Sunday, will receive the coolest award EVER !!!
The infamous "EFF YOU" Award..
Alright, maybe it's not infamous but in my pathetic brain it is...

LET THE RANTS BEGIN !!!!!!!!!
Click Here for the Moms that I cant stand series..

Tit of the Day !!!!

2009-05-21T02:54:00.003-04:00

Here's your weekly dose of Tit of the Day !!!

You ready?

1. Don't tell your boss to go fuck herself and then show up for work the following night with a big fat smile on..
It just makes me want to shank you even more...

Now for the real fucking reason you showed up ...

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Sleeping with the ants..

2009-05-20T18:42:00.002-04:00

After working all fucking night long and most often into the many hours of the morning, I'm fucking exhausted when I get home.
The first and only thing on my mind is sleep.
"When am I hitting that comfortable ass bed of mine"?

This morning I jumped in that bed quicker than shit.
I lay sound asleep for several hours.
I awoke to a very itchy feeling all over my body.
"What the fuck"?

After my eyes decided to open and focus, I found several black dots crawling on my body.
WHAT THE FUCK !!!!
I sprung out of bed to get these fucking things off of me but to also come to the realization that I decided to sleep on a gigantic fucking pile of ants.
Yes, ants...

You see these fuckers decided that it was cool to chill on my bed under the covers.
Why ? I still have no idea, but I do know that these fuckers bite and that I look retarded with little red marks all over me.

Time to start my annual bonfire using my mattress as kindling..

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