X-men Supreme

X-men #24 - Blood Sucking Awesome

2012-02-11T05:37:00.000-08:00

Whenever a comic company tries to reinvent a character, it falls into one of two categories. It's either the grim and gritty version, the kind that makes a character look like they need therapy more than plot. Then there's the being-so-fucking-different-that-it's-hardly-the-same-fucking-character variety that's not just demeaning, but insulting to any readers who actually gave a damn about the character. Some characters need a reinvention. Some don't. Some are handled well. Most are horribly fucked up. Vampire Jubilee in Victor Gischler's adjectiveless X-men is the one glowing example where Marvel has reinvented a character in all the right ways.

Don't get me wrong. I loved Jubilee before she was a blood-sucking True Blood wannabe. But her character hadn't been interesting since she lost her powers in House of M. She was like David Hasselhoff of the X-books. She wasn't doing anything. She wasn't contributing anything. She was just there. If she just got her powers back, then she wouldn't have changed much. Becoming a vampire has opened the door to all sorts of new stories that have helped make her character more compelling than ever. Some of those stories have played out in the pages of Marjorie Liu's X-23 series. Others have played out in recent arcs of Victor Gischler's adjectiveless X-men.

The previous arc, the first of the post-Schism regenesis era, had her play a role that wasn't all that vital. She fought alongside Psylocke, Storm, and Utopia's official security team as they teamed up with War Machine to stop an international incident involving sentinels. While that conflict was resolved, Jubilee was abducted in the battle and completely disappeared. She was taken by another vampire named Raizo Kodo, a character that was introduced in an earlier issue when Xavier was telling Jubilee of his travels back before he was the discredited mentor he is now. Now usually when a creepy guy with a Japanese name abducts a teenage girl, it turns into the kind of story they make into anime porn. This isn't like that (sorry hentai fans). X-men #24 takes that story and continues it.

It begins in your typical vampire dungeon (again, not in the anime porn tradition so all you hentai fans really need to leave). Jubilee is prisoner in Raizo Kodo's fancy digs. He comes to her cell not claiming that her escape lies in his penis. He comes offering her animal blood, which for a vampire is like offering tofu to Ted Nugent. She's a vampire. She craves human blood and to this point she kept that under control because Wolverine gave her his blood to fight the effects. Well Wolverine isn't around and she's now in full vamp mode, meaning she's not going to settle for the Edward Cullen diet. She wants blood and Raizo can't do shit about it.

The man won't give Jubilee what she wants. She reacts in the way you would expect any teenage girl to react. She lashes out and tries to brutally murder Raizo. It's not quite as violent as a 16-year-old attacking her mother for taking away her iphone after she was caught sending pictures of her boobs to the guy with the neck tattoo that works at Costco, but it's close. Unlike said mother, Raizo is a veteran vamp and is able to fight back. He's as gentle as you would expect a vampire of his caliber. He takes her down, but makes clear that he's not trying to torment her or turn her into a Bella Swan fantasy. He's actively opposing her killer vampire instinct, which makes him more Twilight than True Blood minus the gayness.

That still begs the question. What the hell is this guy after? What's his motivation? Well he's not alone in his endeavor to turn Jubilee in a vampire vegetarian. He has his own crew of vampires that apparently went through the same process, learning to resist the urge to drink humans like a Slurpee. They call themselves the forgiven. They come off as born again Christians minus the homophobia and televangelism. They're the vampires who repent from their evil ways and for whatever reason, they want Jubilee to be one of them. Okay, I'm sure the fact that she's a hot teenage girl plays a part, but it may not be the entire reason. Just 80 percent of it. He and his crew aren't big on indoctrinating her either. They want her to choose this path, which once again makes them way more tolerant than Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson. But they're still trying to wean a teenage girl off her natural instincts. They might as well try to teach a fish not to swim.

Razio tries again to talk some sense into Jubilee. He tries to play the role of a vampire Freud, explaining to her that her desire to feed on humans is part of a deeper longing to recapture what is left of her humanity. It's less creepy than the Oedipal complex or Freud's theory on penis envy, but Jubilee takes it about as seriously as most people take Ron Paul. So when he won't give her the blood she wants, she tries a different method besides wining. She tries kissing him and when that doesn't work, she tries to use the power of her vagina. Because what man can't resist the allure of teenage pussy? Well apparently Razio can. He does his dick a disservice and turns her down, leaving her to struggle with her hunger.

Now for some this may seem OOC for Jubilee and it is on many levels. Jubilee's vampirism hasn't been dealt with like this before and to this point, she's never shown this kind of struggle. It's only been mildly touched on how using Wolverine's blood has fought off her transformation. Now it hasn't just been brought to surface. It's been overplayed without any build-up. In the last issue she was just your normal blood-sucker. Now she's having all these issues with her new instincts. Both her fangs and her vagina are working against her. It's a twist on her character that's intriguing, but it happens really fast and without any development from the other X-men. They haven't even been mentioned yet and at this point in the comic, it's starting to feel like less an X-men comic and more Marvel's way of saying "Take this True Blood and Twilight fans!"

OOC or not, Jubilee is left in her dungeon with a glass of animal blood. She still looks like a girl who has been given time out for showing her boobs to a school bus of 3rd graders. All her efforts to beat/seduce Razio have been ineffective. Now normally this is the point where you start to suspect that a guy like Razio has an ulterior motive and it's only a matter of time before he goes from Edward Cullen to Eric Northman. But the more he talks, the more sincere he sounds. He's like the Professor Xavier of vampires, trying to get vampires off their murderous ways and on a more righteous path. Since Jubilee is an X-man, it would help if she's on that path. However, she's not going to make it easy on anybody.

Eventually, another one of Razio's Forgiven vampire buddies attempts to chat up Jubilee. He tries opening with a joke about sunshine and unicorns. It goes over about as well as a Britney Spears T-shirt at a Pantera concert. This guy ends up being as ineffective as Razio and twice as incompetent. He allows Jubilee to get the jump on him and she attacks, knocking him out and taking the fancy solar deflecting necklace that allows vampires to walk in broad daylight. With this she runs out of the dungeon and into the wild where she can prey on as many gullible humans as possible. Since she's a cute Asian chick, it's almost a given that they're going to be caught off guard.

While most would be pissed enough to cut off heads when a prisoner escapes, Razio doesn't show much concern. He doesn't even chew out his buddy who was dumb enough to get bested by a teenage girl. He claims that Jubilee will come back on her own and that being an X-men made her too good to start randomly eating strangers. It sounds like Iran saying "We don't have any nuclear bombs! We're just trying to make nuclear power!" But it's not long before Jubilee gets her chance. She finds some random male villager who like most young men are thanking the gods when a cute teenage girl randomly walks up to them. She attempts to seduce him and feed on him, but at the last moment she stops when she doesn't see her reflection in a mirror. This becomes the alcoholic equivalent of a moment of clarity for her. I've yet to have one, but I hear they're pretty fucked up.

Showing that she hasn't become a blood-sucking psychopath just yet, Jubilee leaves the boy undrained and runs back to Razio. So his suspicions about her were right. She is halfway decent enough to not go on a killing spree. He takes her back with open arms, not coming off as too creepy. She asks for his help. Usually, that's another chance for a captor to say to a teenage girl that all the help she needs resides within his penis. But he still hasn't resorted to that trick. Too bad because it works great on girls who have had a few too many drinks. He continues to claim that he wants to help her. Not a lot has happened to indicate that he has any other plans. It would be nice if there were because it makes him come off as too good and too boring at times. This is an X-man comic, or it's supposed to be. When a random stranger claims to help, that's usually a sign that he's going to screw you over in a way that would put Bernie Madoff to shame.

It isn't until the last fucking page that the X-men finally show up. They don't really do much and we haven't seen any hint of what they've been up to. We just see a few panels that show them beating up a bunch of vampires in their search for Jubilee. Really, that's about it. They don't come up with any clues as to where she is. They just restate their intent to find her. So nothing really happens. And the title of the book is X-men. Not Jubilee and her Blood-Sucking Buddies. While the story with Jubilee was nicely fleshed out, the near absence of the X-men and their utter lack of progress in this story just feels off. It leaves some hope for the next issue, but it ends this issue with a feeling of missed opportunities.

Now I appreciate what Victor Gischler is trying to do here. Hell, I don't blame him for it. Vampire Jubilee was his creation. He's the one who turned her into the source of so many Twilight jokes on this blog when he made her a blood-sucker in his inaugural Curse of the Mutants arc. Her transition from awkward mutant teen into awkward teen vampire/X-man has been one of the most compelling aspects of adjectiveless X-men. So telling a story that centers around her vampirism catching up with her makes sense. But the way it's told in this issue is done in a way that makes this feel like less an X-man comic and more an anomaly of sorts.

Don't get me wrong. It's a well-told story on Gischler's part. He just doesn't effectively mix it with the overall theme of this series. It's supposed to be X-men, namely the Utopia security team led by Storm and Psylocke. The last arc demonstrated this perfectly. This issue might as well be in another time zone. The X-men don't even show up until the final pages. We get no sense of what they're doing or how others are reacting to Jubilee's disappearance. Pretty much the whole issue is spent showing Jubilee struggling with her vampire while Raizo and his crew try to wean her off her sadistic tendencies. It's compelling and all, but part of what made the last arc so great was how Gischler fit it into the larger X-men universe. This doesn't seem to fit at all. It may fit with later issues, but this issue on it's own is really weak in terms of feeling like a full X-book.

There's still a lot to like about this issue. If you're a Jubilee fan, this issue should give you a fairly large boner. If you're an X-men fan in general, you probably won't find much to get excited about. It's still a decent story, one that mixes Marvel's world of vampires with the X-men. It just doesn't mix it very well. I like what Gischler is doing here and I think his work now is better than it's been at any point in this series. But for X-men #24, I can only give a 3 out of 5. It's a good story, but it's very narrow and doesn't feel like it belongs in an X-book. Vampire lovers will probably find this as a nice go-between until the next season of True Blood. X-men fans will just read this and continue thinking "When the fuck is Avengers vs. X-men going to get here?" It has potential, but it'll need more than Twilight jokes to realize it. Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue 47: The Good, The Bad, The Sinister Part 1 PREVIEW

2012-02-10T02:49:00.000-08:00

X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope is off to an eventful start. This fanfiction series has set up some important plots with previous arcs. Some have been revisited. Others haven't. Well as it turns out, X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope hasn't had it's first official multi-part arc yet. So what better time than the return of Mr. Sinister? You saw him make his mark in X-men Supreme Volume 2: War Powers with Sinister Intent. Now he's back and the lingering mystery surrounding one of the X-men's most famous foes is set to be revealed! And rest assured, he won't be alone. The end of Sinister Intent offered some clues as to who he's involved with. The previous issue offered another. It's ready to come together in this crucial moment of this fanfiction series! It begins in an arc entitled The Good, The Bad, and the Sinister. As such, I've prepared an extended preview to offer a hint of what you can expect from this important arc of X-men Supreme.

Professor Charles Xavier sighed as he used the remote control to turn off the TV. He still found himself dwelling on the visions, but for now it would be best for everybody if he shifted his attention to more worldly matters.

“Take the rest of this data and secure it in the archives, Hank. I’ll get back to it later,” said the Professor as he wheeled back over to his desk.

“Of course, Charles,” said Hank with a strong sense of relief, “What are you going to do now? Will it involve other alien riddles?”

“Let us hope not,” he said with a humored grin, “I’m going to give Lilandra a call. I hope my brief absence hasn’t worried her too much.”

“I’m sure she’ll forgive you if she’s that into you,” grinned Logan, “You’d be surprised what women are willing to forgive for a guy they have the hots for. Just ask Jeannie.”

“I hope you’re right, Logan. After all, it would be nice to have something other than conflict to look forward to.”

Hank and Logan were starting to head out while the Professor was reaching for the phone. But just as he was about to grab it, the phone started ringing. It caught him, as well as Logan and Hank, by surprise.

“Damn, she really is psychic. She misses you already,” grinned Logan.

“That would be nothing short of remarkable if this were her. But it appears to be an unknown number.”

“Maybe she wants to surprise you,” shrugged Logan, “Woman like to do that.”

“Since when did you become such an expert on women, Logan?” said Hank cynically.

“Who said I was an expert? I just call ‘em like I see ‘em!”

Xavier rolled his eyes as he answered. But before he could even say hello he heard a strange voice on the other end.

“Don’t say a word, Charles. Just put Logan on the phone right now.”

It was a voice he didn’t recognize, but it didn’t sound friendly. His expression quickly grew grim as he turned back towards Logan and Hank, were just about to exit his office. He had a very bad feeling about this.

“Logan wait,” he said, “It’s for you.”

“For me?” said Logan in confusion, “What the hell could that Lilandra woman want with me?”

“It isn’t Lilandra,” he said, “I don’t know who it is.”

Logan quickly grew suspicious as well. He never got phone calls. Because of his history with the government, he tried to keep a low profile here. Xavier made it a point to ensure there was no contact information or public records that could tie him here. So if someone knew he was here, chances were it wasn’t a good sign.

“Let me see!” growled Logan as he stormed over to the desk and grabbed the phone.

With no sense of phone etiquette whatsoever, he put it to his ear and barked his response.

“Who the hell is this?!” he demanded.

“Heya old buddy. It’s been a while.”

Logan’s expression contorted in a rage as soon as he heard that all too familiar voice.

“Sabretooth!”

“Nice to hear from you too, runt! I’d love to catch up on these past few months, but we still got a score to settle! You and me never finished that little ‘conversation’ back in Canada. And if you aren’t a complete fucking coward you’ll listen up and meet me where I say you will! I’m ready to finish this, just you and me, Logan! Question is, are you?”

Logan clenched his fists and snarled, earning worried glances from the Professor and Hank. As soon as they heard it was Sabretooth, they knew it was trouble.

“Logan, tell me what’s going on?” urged Professor Xavier.

But Logan didn’t listen. He just turned away and growled into the phone.

“Where do you wanna do this bub? Better make it remote because when you’re gonna be screaming like a baby when I’m through with you!”

“Don’t worry. I’ve got the perfect place. Just do as I say and come alone. I don’t want no X-men getting in my way! This is between you and me, Wolverine! Let’s keep it that way!”

I know I've introduced some new characters thus far for X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope. I also know that I usually try to keep the bios up to date when that happens. I haven't been able to due largely to concerns about spoilers. Well after the events of The Good, The Bad, and the Sinister I should finally be able to add some new bios. I want to keep this series comprehensive so that new readers can catch up easily. X-men Supreme is supposed to be a fanfiction series that any fan can get into. There are plenty more stories to tell and some major revelations up ahead. I hope you all enjoy it! Please contact me if you have any questions or feedback. Until then, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Jack

Avengers vs. X-men #1 Preview

2012-02-09T07:37:00.000-08:00

It's almost here! No, I'm not talking about the Maya Doomsday prophecy. No, I'm not talking about Peyton manning being released by the Colts either. I'm talking Avengers vs. X-men baby! It's been talked about on this blog and on every other major comics outlet to the point where if Marvel teases it much more they'll have to pay the hospital tab for thousands of comic fans who have to get treated for blood spurting out of their ears due to overworked brains. We know it's going to put the X-men and the Avengers in a royal rumble that Don King would try to make millions off of and pay no taxes on. We know it's going to involve the Phoenix Force, a plot that gets so many Marvel fans up and arms that it's come close to starting another civil war at times. I've certainly brought it up in my reviews. It's hard not to when books in Uncanny X-men and X-Sanction are already setting the stage, showing that Hope Summers (Jean Grey's replacement character that Marvel insists isn't a replacement character) is starting to embrace her more Phoenix-ish persona. But with every little detail, the aniticipation grows. It wasn't like Fear Itself, which was just another brawl between Marvel's heroes and a league of villains infused with some godly power. This involves two groups of heroes fighting over something that has been at the heart of the X-men since before Chris Claremont's hair turned gray. So it by default has to be big.

Now I normally don't make posts that just show previews, but since I've been citing Avengers vs. X-men so much it's only fair that I make an exception here. Earlier this week, Marvel released a 7-page preview for Avengers vs. X-men #1. It's the fist issue of a 12-issue bi-weekly arc that Marvel is throwing more money into than Donald Trump throws into his hair. The X-men and the Avengers aren't beating each other up yet, but this preview shows that they'll have plenty of reason to do so soon enough!

So what can we gather from this preview? I mean other than how cock-smashingly awesome this event looks so far? Well for once, Cyclops isn't even trying to walk that fine line between being an X-man or being Magneto's full sized mini-me. Hell, Magneto actually points out that he sounds like him. And he does. Cyclops knows more than anyone that the Phoenix Force screws people over. It screwed his wife over in a way that Wolverine can only fantasize about. It screwed 5 billion D'brai over during the Dark Phoenix Saga. It brought down X3 as well. Face it, very little good can come from this thing and thinking that Hope Summers, the brat who was stupid enough to trust Sebastian Shaw, can control it requires more weed than I'll ever be able to smoke.

At the very least, we get a Jean Grey mention. I'm still not convinced she'll be back, but just saying her name should be enough for Marvel. It's the only way they can placate angry Jean fans. For whatever reason (and I asked Nick Lowe this question in the last X-POSITION if you'll recall), Marvel has separated Jean Grey from the Phoenix Force completely. So we can't and probably shouldn't expect much from her. She's basically become the X-men equvilent of Gwen Stacy. She's not coming back. But her imagery will be used to death to make the Phoenix more badass (and sexier).

This says to me that Cyclops is setting himself up to be the bad guy here. Moreoever, he's setting himself up to be on the losing side. Usually, the side that tries to control great power is the one that ends up getting humbled in a way that requires them to eat what's left of their ass. Cyclops has been walking this line for a while now, the leader of an entire race that's willing to do what it takes to save their kind. Now it looks like he's going to cross it while humming showtunes. So while it's hard to get much from a preview, I'm calling it here! Cyclops and the X-men are going to be on the losing end of Avengers vs. X-men. The Phoenix will torch his ass in a way that even Emma Frost won't be able to find attractive. I could be wrong, but we'll only know for sure when the event finally strats. So pick up the pace, Father Time! Even the patience of a drunk has it's limits! Nuff said.

Wolverine and the X-men #5 - Birthing True Awesome

2012-02-09T02:42:00.000-08:00

There are very few comics that are awesome enough to enjoy both drunk and sober. There are even fewer comics are awesome enough to read with your kids/nephew/kid whose mother you're trying to bang. Granted, most modern comics are about as kid-friendly as a webcam in Snooki's bedroom. The women are grossly proportioned. The men are perfectly sculpted. No woman ever seems to bitch about having her period or complains about wearing skin-tight outfits. No man farts uncontrollably and makes hissing noises to let people know how much it stinks. I get that comics are a fantasy world because reality sucks elephant cock. But for kids, it does send a pretty fucked up impression. That's why I find Wolverine and the X-men to be such a breath of fresh air. Is it mature? Of course it is. It deals with homicidal kids and aliens and school uniforms where the skirts are several inches too high. But at least it's fun in a way that you can bullshit around with a kid. It might even get you lucky with said kid's mother or a restraining order (whichever comes first).

Wolverine and the X-men has become awesome under Jason Aaron because of his ability to create a unique tone for this comic. What sets it apart from the gritty and brooding world of Uncanny X-men that Kieron Gillen already does so masterfully is the different circumstances. Wolverine is not trying to create an army of mutant superheroes at the Jean Grey Institute for Higher Learning. He's just trying to educate mutant children so they don't have to fight. That and be able to get hammered without the fear of being called up by Cyclops to fight a sentinel. So far, it's been as disastrous as one would expect. The Kid Hellfire Club showed up. Karoka attacked. And Angel, who is amnesic after his Dark Angel Saga experience, has gone batshit crazy. Oh, and Kitty Pryde is pregnant. Yeah, you know your school is done fucked up when your headmistress is knocked up shortly after you open your doors. That shit may work in Texas public schools where sex education consists of the bible and prayers to Rick Perry, but it shouldn't work in comics!

All these problems need to be fixed. But to fix them, Wolverine needs more than just his charisma and willingness to stab people. He needs money. Yes, even in comics shit can't get done without money. This was touched on in the last issue. Iceman, the institute's resident accountant, was warning Wolverine that they were burning through cash like MC Hammer in a parachute pants outlet store. They were able to keep things going by using Angel's fortune. Since he went nuts in the last issue, he didn't seem to mind. Well Wolverine and the X-men #5 begins by revisiting that issue. The kid Hellfire Club may be a ridiculous excuse for an enemy, but they have something more powerful than all the sentinels in the world...lawyers. With those lawyers, they effectively freeze Warren's accounts and cut of Wolverine's funds. It's a dick move and the Hellfire Club makes no bones about it. It doesn't help that Warren is still acting like an eight-year-old boy at Disney land in front of the board of his family company and press folk with video cameras.

While Wolverine is dealing with the severe rectal itch that is financial problems, class at the Jean Grey Institute continue as normal. Normal being more skewed than accounts of Gary Busey's therapy sessions. Quick, what do you remember about biology class? If you answered masturbating to the pictures depicting female reproductive systems, then obviously you never went to the Jean Grey Institute. And you may have left those stains on my textbook. While they don't have the kind of money to keep the school going, they somehow have the technology for Beast to shrink his students down Ant Man style and explore the mutant body up close and more intimate than a prostate exam.

It's actually a pretty meaningful lecture on some levels. Yeah, Kid Omega uses it as a way to flirt with Idie and Broo acts like he's a tourist at Disneyland. But others like Genesis take a moment to reflect on how a simple mutation on so small a level is causing all the crap he's now dealing with. In the last issue, a good deal of time was spent showing that Genesis was new to this world of conflict. He's still taking it in and Aaron takes some time to show that he's still processing everything. He does throw in some humor with Kid Gladiator acting like a douche in saying Shi'ar DNA is so much better, but it gets the point across.

The lesson ends with a not-so-startling reveal that they were inside Toad, the resident janitor. You get the sense that Aaron is just setting him up to go on a shooting rampage at one point, but for now the school has more pressing concerns. At the end of the previous issue, Kitty Pryde started puking uncontrollably and it wasn't because she saw that birth scene in the last Twilight movie. She found out she was pregnant Aliens style. Her womb swelled up and now she's understandably freaking out. It's like a new TLC show "Fuck, how did I get this pregnant?" She tried calling up Colossus, but never said a word to him. That's too bad because if the kid is his, that opens the door to all sorts of baby daddy drama. Admit it, "The Father of my Baby is the Juggernaut" sounds like the perfect title for an episode of Jerry Springer. But a cameo is all we get. She eventually confronts Beast and Rachel, who are also understandably freaked out. At least they don't have to worry about their snatch being permanently ruined.

Now a sudden pregnancy like this is pretty serious shit, but Jason Aaron doesn't let the tone of the book get too serious. We get to see some of the students who got to explore Toad's innards in a completely non-sexual way hanging out and reflecting on their lesson. Then Wolverine comes barging in acting like he hasn't had his daily bottle of whiskey and demands that Kid Omega come with him. He doesn't explain why. He just leads him down into the "teachers only" area of the school and tells him that he's about to have a chance to prove that his dick and his brain are both as big as he boasts. For some reason in order to do that, he has to use the institute space ship and fly off into space.

Wait a sec, the Jean Grey Institute has a space ship and a shrink device? Why the fuck do they have money problems! There's a solution right there! Paid trips into space and adventures inside the human body. If they could somehow find a way to allow people to explore the insides of Natalie Portman that would pay for the institute for 20 years easy!

But before we can go off and have a space adventure, there's still a little matter of Kitty's pregnancy. There's a lot of questions to answer, like who the hell did she bone and what kind of miracle grow was in his jizz? She laments a bit how she'll be a crappy mother, as I'm sure most women who don't remember how they got pregnant may think at some point. Again, it's somewhat glossed over. But there's a reason for this. Once she gets an exam from Beast, he makes a rather disturbing discovery that makes that Alien joke I mentioned earlier all the more relevant. She's not pregnant. She's under attack by a swarm of aliens inside her body. Why do they happen to gather inside her baby maker? Maybe they just like vaginas as much as humans. Admit it, if given the choice I can see how some men would be okay with living in a vagina.

These aren't the same Aliens that Segorney Weaver fought. These are the Brood, also known as those horrific looking aliens whose idea of a good time is brutally slaughtering innocent creatures and dining on their bone marrow. They're usually large enough for you to shoot with a shotgun, but the ones inside Kitty are small enough to dine on her cells. In many ways that's infinitely more terrifying. For that reason, Beast locks down the school and everyone has to start checking every molecule they breathe to make sure they don't get eaten alive as well. But it's fucked up with a twist if you can believe that. These mini-Brood aren't up to infect everybody. They're tailored for Kitty. He calls it an assassination attempt. It's the kind that the CIA would kill for, but it only complicates the situation. Lucky for Kitty, Kid Gladiator needs to prove that his dick and his ego are of equal size. So he uses the same shrink technology demonstrated earlier to fly into her body and start fighting off the Brood. It's a losing fight, but given how Kid Gladiator has been such a douche it's hard to really care about him as much as Kitty's safety.

Now this unusual attack on Kitty begs a pretty important question. Where the fuck did it come from? Well Jason Aaron doesn't answer that question too quickly. But he does set things up. While Wolverine and Kid Omega are flying off into space in a way that's going to somehow save the school (the methods how can only be explained by Aaron's twisted imagination), an incident aboard your typical alien ship that flew too close to Earth is unfolding. The good folks at SWORD show up like a galactic boarder patrol minus the right-wing bumper stickers. They treat them the same way Arizona treats undocumented Mexicans. Somewhere there's a political ad for Rick Santorum, but I'll leave that for whichever asshole wrote his stance on birth control.

Like any pissed off wannabe immigrant, one of the aliens lashes out and rips the SWORD agents to pieces like popcorn shrimp at a summer cookout in Baltimore. Said alien looks like a Brood that pumped one too many meds from Sylvester Stallone's pharmacist. It has a bunch of normal Brood chained to it and it may not be of their own volition either. It's hard to tell. That may be a Brood mating ritual for all I know. But it's not enough to just kill the SWORD agents and presumably all the other aliens on the ship just looking for a place to shack up or some anuses to probe. It then blows open the ship and enters the vacuum of space, but looks about as comfortable doing so as a college co-ed in Ben Rothlesburger's swimming pool.

With no pesky ship to worry about, the creature and his Brood pets start drifting to Earth. As they do so, he narrates that he's tracing a signal from a virus. Any guess as to where that virus may be? If you guessed the inside of Kitty's lady parts, then you've managed to connect the dots in this story or you masturbate to some pretty fucked up fantasies. Or both, but who am I to judge? It only offers a hint as to who may be responsible for Kitty's sudden baby bump that isn't a baby. It's worth noting that not long ago, Kitty Pryde was trapped in a giant bullet that flew through space and encountered who knows how many alien germs? Will Aaron make that connection? We'll find out in the next issue. I just hope he's nice enough to offer a warning label if we'll have to watch a violent alien birth the likes of which would only be acceptable in another shitty Species movie.

Jason Aaron has set up some pretty disturbing plots with this issue. Kitty Pryde being eaten alive by cellular Brood creatures has the potential to be more fucked up than the birthing scene from Species II. And the prospect of the Jean Grey Institute being short on cash is nothing to laugh at. Anyone who has ever had the IRS or a bank come busting in your door for not keeping up with taxes or mortgage payments will get night sweats from shit like this. Yet somehow Aaron manages to keep the same fun tone with this issue. Maybe it's just because my notion of fun is so fucked up that it has to involve hookers and no fewer than three joints of Jamaican weed. Or maybe this comic is just well-written enough to put a smile on your face even though it deals with these disturbing plots.

This issue did a few things different compared to previous issues. It took on some more dramatic elements with Kitty lamenting over what she thought was a pregnancy. However, that drama wasn't really played up as much as it could have been. Kitty being pregnant is something that had the potential to really cause some added drama with Colossus. It could have even opened the door for him to get involved. But even before we found out that it was an attack by vagina loving Broodlings, it was glossed over. Kitty was like "I'm pregnant. Fuck." That's about it. I'm not saying Aaron mishandled it, but the impact felt a bit weak. That and Angel's character has become wildly erratic. I get that he's amnesic, but even he has to understand that fucking up the school's bank account is not something to take lightly.

Overall, this book is still high quality on all the levels that Jason Aaron has done such a good job of refining. He continues to have a nice sense of flow with this book, taking conflicts like financial troubles from previous issues and working them into future issues. And the mere fact that he's using finance as an issue adds an element of realism that had never been touched on in previous X-men comics. How they deal with this and how the team deals with the Brood threat with Kitty has the potential to be unlike any story that has come before it. That sense of novelty mixed with light-hearted humor helps make this issue awesome. That's why I give Wolverine and the X-men #5 a 4.5 out of 5. It's not quite perfect because the dramatic element hasn't been developed yet. But there's more than enough potential to fix that with future issues. Until then, feel free to share this issue with a kid and explain to him why aliens that try to eat a woman inside out are a perfect metaphor for mood swings. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-Force #21 - Wonderland of Awesome

2012-02-05T04:21:00.000-08:00

Few things that aren't laced with blow or weed make me happier than seeing a douche-bag get punished. It's the kind of justice that you just don't see in the real world because said douche-bags are CEOs of bangs and reality TV stars. Uncanny X-Force has done a lot of amazing things since Rick Remender birthed it from the entrails of Second Coming. One of those things involve demonstrated just how big a douche-bag Fantomex can be when he's put on a team of killers, one of which is a hot Asian chick that likes to run around in thongs. He's shot a kid in the head, forced a kiss from a woman trying to save her boyfriend, and has generally acted like a snooty French stereotype that could very well cut off all imports of wine and fancy cheese. That's not to say he hasn't had his moments. Despite shooting a kid in the head, he was also behind the creation of Genesis and he was instrumental in stopping Arcangel. But still, some of this douche-baggery can't go unchecked.

This is the story Rick Remender is telling in wake of the Dark Angel Saga. Fantomex has had questionable ethics, even for a team of secret assassins, since the series began. This is what led Psylocke's brother, Brian Braddock, to abduct her and Fantomex into his exotic domain known as Otherworld. I'm sure Charlie Sheen calls the inside of his pants the same thing. But in addition to having an overdue family reunion to discuss the ethics of Psylocke joining a kill squad, Captain Britain puts Fantomex on trial for his crimes. Since Fantomex has the legal skills of stoned rabbit, he gets convicted and doesn't even apologize for his crimes. Hell, he even says he would do it again. As someone who is on a first name basis with a number of district judges, I can say without reservation that being a douche and not apologizing will not make you any less vulnerable to prison rape.

Uncanny X-Force #21 picks up right after this sentence has been handed down. Fantomex is in a cell where he's about to get a series of injections into his brain that will render him more brain dead than a Sarah Palin miscarriage. He's still a defiant douche, showing no remorse even as he narrates how the injections start damaging his brains (yes, he has more than one). He gets to a point where he has the mental capacity of that kid in first grade that ate paint chips and snorted paste. He could be reduced to bed-wetting, but luckily for him Psylocke still has a sense of compassion and/or a pussy boner for him. At the end of the last issue she was given a choice to either see this justice through or go against her own family. Since her family is being a bigger douche than Fantomex at the moment, she chooses the lesser of two douches.

While Psylocke has to choose between the worst of two worlds, the rest of X-Force is stuck fighting their way through an army of Lord of the Rings rejects trying to rescue her. They're making less progress than Newt Gingrich did in Florida. Wolverine ends up clashing with a mage-like creature with a goat head armed with something called the orb of Metallum. It may sound like a shitty name for an 80s hair metal band, but it's actually a potent piece of hardware in the sense that it controls metal (ie: Wolverine's adamantium skeleton). This puts him a world of hurt that Uncanny X-Force always tends to make extra gruesome.

Since Deadpool is currently dealing with his latest bout of Severed Head Syndrome, it's up to AOA Nightcrawler to save his sorry ass. That's not as simple a choice as it sounds because if you'll recall, AOA Nightcrawler comes from a world where his Wolverine took on the mantel of Apocalypse and started sodomizing the world with his douche-baggery. So seeing another version of Wolverine suffer is satisfying in the same way it is to see someone from the Jersey Shore get arrested. But he doesn't take too much pleasure from it. He still plays the part of a hero and saves Wolverine, looking pretty damn badass while doing it. He may not be the same Nightcrawler, but fuck if he isn't awesome in his own right.

AOA Nightcrawler's exploits ensure that X-Force remains intact, but they're still on the run. That means they're not in a position to help Psylocke, who is still trying to escape her brother's domain with a brain damaged Fantomex in her grasp. She makes her way towards the dimensional door back to good old 616 Marvel, but then her other douche-bag brother, Jamie Braddock, catches up with her and uses his reality warping powers to stop her. He's understandably confused why she would choose to save this confessed child killer rather than rub elbows with her own family. It's not an unreasonable question even for a comic book, but Psylocke makes clear that they don't know Fantomex and aren't in a position to judge him. Because isn't that what the X-men are about? Not judging people? That and spandex uniforms? Apparently, Jamie doesn't agree and Psylocke has to make a run for it again. All the while Fantomex is still dribbling on like a little boy that just had his sippy cup taken away from him. It's somewhat pathetic, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I enjoyed seeing Fantomex like this after some of the shit he's done.

The situation is worse for the Braddocks than just having a rebellious sister that can't keep her legs closed around dangerous men. Their entire Otherworld realm is still under siege and Psylocke isn't providing the added muscle they hoped. Not only could they not carry out Fantomex's punishment, but they lost Psylocke and the Lord of the Ring reject forces are hot on their trail. Whatever they did to piss them off is so bad that they're willing to cause a reality-warping storm to get back at them. I can be as vindictive as the next drunk, but even I have my limits. If that weren't bad enough, this enemy of theirs has more orbs like the one that sent Wolverine's insides through a blender. It's like giving Kim Jong Ill's son an entire country and nuclear weapons. Wait...okay, bad example.

While the Captain Britain Corps are busy shitting their pants, X-Force continues their trek through this deranged world in search of Psylocke and Fantomex. Plus, they have to keep carrying a headless Deadpool that still won't shut up. I'm pretty sure that qualifies Otherworld as a new circle of Hell. But they actually luck out along the way. They run into Meggan, another one of Captain Britain's cohorts who used to run around with Nightcrawler in her Excalibur days. They must have done plenty of running because she kisses him when she sees him. I'm not sure how AOA Nightcrawler feels about taking advantage of pretty girls that kiss him, but I get the sense he's all for it. She also is in a position to give X-Force some badly needed answers and someone other than Deadpool to listen to.

So let's review for a second. AOA Nightcrawler not only saved Wolverine's sorry ass, but also got a quick smooch from a hot British woman. Regardless of how you feel about using an AU version of a character, it's hard to deny that he's making quite a mark in this issue. He spent most of last issue making it clear he wasn't the same Nightcrawler that Wolverine was friends with. He came off as a bit of a douche at times. But here, still a douche yet still distinctly Nightcrawler. Since he's still new to the team, I'd say this is a damn good first impression.

While they're getting answers, other parts of the story are getting more fucked up. Psylocke escaped with Fantomex, but is in no position to do much since her way home has been cut off by Jamie. So in a somewhat spotty transition she makes her way to some odd temple. How she knows about this place is beyond me and not really explained, but it contains some creature named Krockwel. Now maybe I'm just high right now, but I don't know who the hell Krockwel is or how he can be of much help to Psylocke. She reveals that he was once a servant of Otherworld and she wants his help in healing Fantomex. He doesn't really have much incentive to do so since her family threw his ass out of the Captain Britain Corps. He refuses to help, but Psylocke insists as if failing means she can never wear a thong again. So he makes her a deal. She has to do something big in return if he's to help her. Because nothing bad has ever happened when someone makes a deal with an all powerful creature. Just ask Spider-Man and Mary Jane.

If this sounds a little fucked up, it is. Rick Remender usually doesn't slap random shit together without there being some rhyme to the rhythm. He's not making British punk music here. But while he does make an effort to explain Krockwel, it still feels like it's pieced together with scotch tape at the last second. Between this and the less than smooth transitions between scenes, it's easy to get a little lost at this point in the book. It's one book where you kind of have to lay off the weed in order to follow what's going on. For some, that may defeat the purpose of reading comics, but for Uncanny X-Force it's usually worth it.

We don't even get to see what sort of horrible trade Psylocke has to make in order to save Fantomex. She doesn't have a marriage with Peter Parker to sacrifice so what could it be? Well while she figures that out, more random shit happens back at Captain Britain's stronghold. That same Goat-headed creature that X-Force faced earlier has arrived and brought an army of the undead along with him. Where did the army come from? How is this shit happening so quickly? Probably for the same reason that Psylocke caught up with Krockwel. There is an effort to explain it with Captain Britain identifying the creature as Horoam'ce, but it still feels like Remender is using too much duct tape. Plus, he's using an army of undead warriors to attack. I think we have enough zombie movies to cover shit like that. They seem pretty screwed, but as this is happening Meggan is leading X-Force into the battle. So there's still a chance it won't be completely lopsided.

Cue another spotty transition and we meet up with this Horoam'ce. He's essentially a less ugly form of Jabba the Hut, living it up in a palace/harem of sorts. As this battle is going on, he gets an update about his attack and Psylock's dealings with Krockwel. He seems to be taking it seriously, which makes him slightly smarter than Jabba the Hut. He figures he needs help from someone who has enough burning hatred of the X-men to want to tear reality a few new assholes to hurt them. So he finds it in the form of someone who looks like a much less badass version of Hellboy. I honestly can't determine who it is at the moment. It's another one of those details that was overlooked in this issue. While I'm sure it'll be explained in the next issue as is often the case with Remender, it still leaves this issue feeling incomplete.

As someone who has taken many an acid trip to many exotic locations, I find this world that X-Force has found themselves in to be no worse than the fourth most exotic locale short of the isles of strippers that I visited when I mixed mushrooms with imported Turkish weed. It's so exotic it's easy to get lost at times. That more than anything is the flaw in this issue. It has all the usual Uncanny X-Force elements. There's a big ass fight, some heartfelt drama, and a few severed heads within a dangerous world you won't find outside of Tim Burton's imagination. It just doesn't fit together as well as it usually does. It lacks the usual coherence that Rick Remender adds to most of his quality books. It's hard to follow the plot with Psylocke saving Fantomex from her brother and the rest of X-Force fighting against Mr. Goat Head. There's still a good chance that it'll fit together in the next issue, but as it stands this issue still lacks that feel.

It's still a quality book. This issue had some nice moments on top of the usual high-caliber awesome that Rick Remender has so frequently provided on this title. Most notable is AOA Nightcrawler's contribution to the carnage. In the last issue he made clear that he was not the same holy-man-in-a-demon's-body Nightcrawler that the X-men know and love. In this issue he made clear that despite the differences, he's still every bit the skilled fighter his 616 counterpart was if not more so. He's really establishing himself as a new presence in X-Force, not just relegated to carrying around Deadpool's severed head. Plus, he even got a kiss from a hot chick out of it. I'd call that a win on any level.

Overall, this book is incoherent as a whole, but still solid on all the usual levels. You may be confused by the politics of Otherworld and the subtext of Fantomex's juvenile musings, but you'll still get to enjoy plenty of action and bloodshed. There's magic, talking heads, and family fueds. It's like a family reunion if someone spiked the punch with peyote. It's not filler, but it doesn't feel complete. So while by most standards it's still awesome, by the lofty Uncanny X-Force standards it's a bit sub-par. So with that in mind I give Uncanny X-Force #21 a 4 out of 5. We're right in the middle of that acid trip I mentioned earlier. All the pretty images and talking ink blots are overwhelming at the moment, but eventually they usually mesh together before you start throwing up. If you have a weak stomach, I encourage you to tough it out! Uncanny X-Force is usually worth it. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #6 - Let's Talk About Awesome

2012-02-04T02:55:00.000-08:00

There are people out there that think comics aren't a legitimate form of literary art. If ever you cross paths with these people, I encourage you to push them down a flight of stairs and then step on their nuts on the way down. Just because comics don't contain pages upon pages of words arranged into jumbled boxes of text doesn't mean there isn't real literary gold involved. Hell, comics have more shit going for it because it doesn't just use boxes of text. It uses actual pictures so that writers don't have to spend two pages describing the underwear that some overly proper bimbo is wearing while she's swooning over a guy with eight-pack abs and ten-inch dick. I'd much rather see a picture of beautiful women in spandex costumes than try to decipher shitty writing.

That said, all the pretty art and breast depictions in the world can't save a shitty comic from being shitty. Yes, even boobs have their limit. Great comics also have great writing. Great writing requires great writers. I know that sounds obvious, but great writers for comics are harder to come by than a sober co-ed at a frat house party. Kieron Gillen has become one of those rare finds for Marvel. While previous writers could tell a story, Kieron Gillen has shown genuine talent at bringing those stories to life with his words. He's shown it in both Generation Hope and Uncanny X-men. The epic battles and shit that blows up is just bonus. Plus, he even has a slick British accent that can soak the panties of any woman that fantasizes about James Bond. So there's that too. Uncanny X-men has benefited from his talent since he took over. It's benefited even more since he took the events of Uncanny X-Force and mixed them with that of Uncanny X-men.

This has forged the current Tabula Rasa arc. The X-men's Extinction Team is caught up in the miniature evolutionary petri dish that Arcangel used to essentially TIVO hundreds of millions of years of evolution. In the last issue they ventured inside to rescue some people who were stupid enough to take a hike in this world. They ended up finding not only an exotic world, but an exotic race of creatures that worshiped Arcangel as a god. Now that the TIVO isn't fast forwarding anymore, they're a little fucked up. And as it turns out, there were competing gods within this tiny realm. It's not unlike modern day Israel and Palestine. Except the god the X-men have to deal with here is big ass suit of metal with some big ass guns. Oh yeah, and it's the kind of metal that Magneto can't crush so he and Psylocke (who is subbing for the one-armed Emma Frost) have to avoid playing martyr. One of the innocent little creatures isn't so lucky. While this is going on, Gillen is actually narrating from this creature's perspective. It's not as compelling as the Phalanx bit he did a few issues ago, but it's a nice change.

Psylocke tries to call on Cyclops for backup, but unfortunately he was swallowed and pooped out by Tabula Rasa in the last issue so while he's not dead he probably wish he was. It also means he's in no condition to assist her and Magneto. Tabula Rasa is about as welcoming to strangers as a Victoria's Secret in Saudi Arabia because the rest of the team is quickly occupied. Colossus and Illyana have to play extras in a Jurassic Park remake while Hope and Namor have to play extras in an Abyss remake. It's remakes abound, even if there isn't much depth to it. Given that Colossus and Illyana weren't distracted at the end of the last issue, it's a little contrived for them to get attacked just as Psylocke and Magneto are facing down an Iron Man knock-off who I'm guessing has a very small penis. Yet Storm and Danger aren't occupied so they are able to come to their aid, so it's not as convenient as it could have been.

But what about Cyclops? What happens to a guy after a world literally poops him out into the middle of nowhere? Well it actually ends up being helpful in the same way getting your dick stuck in a toaster helps you make friends with EMTs. After being partially digested, he's taken to a lair by a creature that looks like it lost one too many fights with Predator. That lair contains the missing people who were stupid enough to venture inside Tabula Rasa in the first place. It almost makes you wish they were the ones pooped out by a world, but it's not about to turn into another shitty Aliens vs. Predator bit. While the creature did capture the overly curious humans, it also protected them and not because it was preparing to eat/mate with them. It's not clear what it really wants until it starts talking...in English. Okay, it's shitty English that only a drunk George W. Bush could muster, but English none-the-less.

Back with Magneto and Psylocke, the battle against the Iron man knock-off continues. It's been a bit lopsided to this point since Magneto can't use his powers to crush this thing like a beer can. But in a move that may or may not be his way of getting into Psylocke's panties, he puts that helmet of his to better use aside from being a shitty fashion statement. In a spectacle that makes Magneto just a little bit more than an old man with too much Viagra in his diet, he turns his helmet into a barrage of shrapnel. It doesn't completely stop the Iron Man rip-off, but it does make the fight seem a little less lopsided. That and I think it did earn him some points with Psylocke because when it tried to blast them again, she pushed him out of the way. In comics, that's the same as saying "Want to go back to my place and see how I got straight As with all my male teachers?"

Magneto's attack forces the Iron Man ripoff to step up it's attack and go in for the kill. This would be more than appropriate if it hadn't wasted so much time, allowing both Danger and Storm to catch up to the battle. To this point Danger has been providing surveillance by turning herself into a satellite. But she also showed that a satellite can also doubt as a giant dick from space capable of badly fucking anyone and anything from sub-orbital space. When she arrives on the scene, the overcompensating robot gets whatever counts as it's asshole plowed and not in a way that makes for awesome gay porn. If that isn't enough to shrivel it's scrotum, Storms hows up as well and throws in several million volts of lightning. So if this thing was really a god to the creatures on this world, then I think it's safe to say they just pulled a Richard Dawkins on it's ass. That'll leave only the alien equivalent of creationists and you know they aren't going to be smart enough to pose a threat.

They've taken down the killer robot/demigod. One of the biggest threats in this world that God was drunk when he created is neutralized for now. It's a great time to reunite and regroup. Unfortunately, the others are still occupied and for reasons that feel more like an "my dog took a shit on my computer and destroyed my homework" type excuse. Apparently while the battle against the robot wannabe god was unfolding, Colossus's battle against the local wildlife went bad and they took Illyana...off panel...with no other details given. Now normally Gillen is really good about moving the plot along in a believable, coherent way. He usually doesn't resort to tricks that keep certain characters out of the way unless it's developed. This shit just seems to come out of nowhere. While it looks awesome when Colossus goes all Juggernaut, it feels like an overly contrived reason to keep him from meeting up with the others.

Normally, I'm willing to overlook one such misstep. Then we revisit the underwater battle with Namor and Hope. Like the battle with Colossus and Illyana, it ended...off panel...with no other details given. Starting to see a pattern? But it's not just those lost details that make this scene feel glossed over. Namor spends two pages essentially explaining to the inexperienced Hope that knows only kicking ass and ripping off Jean Grey that the underwater creatures around them aren't enemies. They think they're under attack because of all the shit that's been going on with Tabula Rasa's timestream getting all fucked up. While kicking their asses is all well and good, it probably would serve them better if they found a way to make them allies.

This tactic is all well and good if not for the long-winded explanation. I get that Gillen is good with words and like a man with a large penis, likes to show it off. But words aren't enough here. Aside from the talking, all Hope and Namor do is swim. They aren't fighting anything. Nothing seems to be stalking them either. It's just swimming and talking. Too much talking. It's a more than a slight shift from the battle against the robot demigod earlier. It's way longer than it needs to be.

It doesn't stop there either. Back with Psylocke, Magneto, Storm, and Danger, they catch up with Cyclops who brings with him some answers in the form of the same creature that abducted him. This creature, who learned English in a way makes you want to slap the clerk at 7-11 who can't figure out which brand of cigarettes you want, explains to the X-men the kind of bullshit they're up against. He didn't capture those people for kicks. He did it to study them and not with anal probing thankfully. Once he was reasonably sure that humans were sentient (although he admits he's not convinced), he explains what happened to his world.

It's another long winded explanation that takes up multiple pages. The creature calls himself Savage and his race is called Apex. Like humans, they considered themselves the top species of Tabula Rasa. Also like humans, they were energy hogs. They were smart enough to understand that at some point a self-contained world like this won't be able to keep it's equivalent of iphones and vibrators working. So they needed an alternative. Savage's friend (aka the guy in the Iron Man suit), decided it was a good idea to build a big ass suit of armor and look for energy outside Tabula Rasa. Savage's idea was to put themselves in stasis until Tabula Rasa's fucked up timeflow stabilized. That's the same as suggesting to someone that they knock themselves out until someone comes up with a viable alternative to fossil fuels. It's taken about as seriously as Ryan Secrest. While Savage went with his stasis idea, his buddy built the suit. Essentially, it boiled down to people not being able to come together to find a solution to an energy crisis. If these guys can't do it with Celestial technology, what hope is there for humanity? Fuck, I need some weed.

The long winded explanation continues. When Savage emerged, he found out that the Apex eventually caved to his idea and made a stasis field to wait out the coming temporal ass raping. It ended up failing. Tabula Rasa simply used them to feed the many other creatures. So when Savage's buddy returned after being stuck in temporal stasis as well, he was understandably pissed to find that his whole civilization was fucked. Naturally, he wants it back and doesn't care if he fucks the entire world when he does it. It's a lot of talking and not much else, but it does explain what they're up against and it shows that a giant robot demigod isn't just compensating for a small penis. It wants to rebuild it's civilization and is okay with blowing shit up in the process. It's understandable and shouldn't take several pages to explain.

I like Kieron Gillen's writing. I really do. He actually puts some effort into his words when he writes. That goes a long way with comics and for much of his run, it's been one of his strengths. However, in this issue he overdid it. There was a lot of talking, but not much was said. Maybe that's just the weed typing this shit for me, but between the narrations from Savage and Namor's little exposition it just seemed like wasted words. It's like driving your car down the driveway just to pick up the fucking mail. It caused the comic to really drag and spent way too much time just explaining shit rather than actually doing it.

Now not all these words were meaningless. They did fill in some of the blanks as to what is going on with Tabula Rasa and what it is the Extinction Team is up against. Savage and his race have their own history and in this issue, we got just a brief taste of how vast that history really is. The problem is it's not as compelling as it could have been. Too much was given all at once. There wasn't enough mystery left behind to be revealed later. Now maybe that's because this arc isn't long enough and Gillen is trying to squeeze too much in, but it simply doesn't work as well usual. Plus, scenes with Namor and Hope seemed glossed over. So did Illyana's disappearance with Colossus. Gillen just told the story. He didn't really show it. Think of it this way. Would you rather have a beautiful woman describe her tits or actually show them to you?

This isn't a bad comic. It has plenty of action as well as a pretty elaborate story that's worth following. It just drags too much in some areas while not expanding in others. While it leaves the issue feeling ab it flat, it doesn't mean the whole arc is brought down. Kieron Gillen has plenty of ways to make the next issue as awesome as it needs to be. Until then, this issue is a textbook case of filler. So for a final score, I give Uncanny X-men #6 a 3.5 out of 5. There's a decent story here and Kieron Gillen is great at telling it. It just hasn't come together yet. Once again, I'll compare it to tits. The hot stripper is still on stage. She hasn't taken her bra off yet and she's been teasing it way longer than any decent stripper should. But you can tell there's something behind that bra worth seeing and you can't help but stare in anticipation. I think I've made my point. Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue 46: Paradise Mystery is LIVE!

2012-02-03T03:17:00.000-08:00

Got a big update today! The X-men Supreme fanfiction series is ready for another update. In addition, I also have some important site updates. But I know that most readers are eager to see the next issue of X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope. Two issues in and I've already introduced a new array of themes to this fanfiction series. I've tried to highlight the more social aspects of the X-men. They have always been a metaphor for civil rights and the past two issues have brought that into focus. However, the X-men are still seen as superheroes. As such, they face challenges that go beyond politicians if you can believe that. I always intended to add more elaborate threats to the X-men fanfiction series. Well one of thsoe treats emerges today and it involves the X-men taking a trip back to Genosha. Enjoy!

Issue 46: Paradise Mystery

In addition to this new issue, I also did an update of the pics section. I know it's been a while since I updated the ever popular X-women section. I've tried to keep up while keeping the X-men Supreme fanfiction series going. It isn't a huge update, but I did managed to find some great pics of Jean Grey, Rogue, and Mystique. I'm always on the lookout for more so if you happen to have some pics you want to see posted, please contact me and I'll be happy to post them.

Also, please take the time to post feedback on this and every other issue of X-men Supreme if you can. There has been a dip in traffic lately for this website. If I'm not doing something right, I can't correct it if no one tells me. So please provide feedback for the X-men Supreme fanfiction series and the X-men Supreme website as a whole. I work long and hard on this site and it's important that I know that others enjoy what I do. Please contact me at any time with feedback and suggestions. Thank you and I hope you all enjoy the new issue. Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Jack

X-Sanction #3 - Fate Catching Up With Awesome

2012-02-02T02:29:00.000-08:00

What do you say about a guy who picks a fight with a group of other guys who are bigger, stronger, healthier, better looking, and more equipped than him? The first thing that comes to mind is "What the fuck did that guy drink and where can I get some?" The second is "Oh, Jeph Loeb released another issue of X-Sanction and I don't have my weed. Fuck me with the carcass of a wiener dog." No one will ever mistake a Jeph Loeb comics for a comic equivalent to Shakespeare. The man doesn't make his mark with snappy dialog. He does it with stories that are hard-hitting, destructive, and emotional. When it's done wrong, it makes you envy the blind and the brain-dead. When he does this right, his comics are like Jenna Jameson porn to all your senses. X-Sanction has been an example of the latter and the timing couldn't be better.

Marvel has gone to great lengths to soak the panties of every Marvel fan in the world with their upcoming Avengers vs. X-men event. The stage is set for the most epic of dick-measuring contests. But before either side unzips their pants, the stage has to be set. And who better to do that than Cable? He's the kind of guy who doesn't need to be drunk to take on another bunch of guys that are bigger, stronger, and less infected with the techno-organic virus. He only needs to knowledge that the Avengers do something to Hope that makes her unable to save the world from the Phoenix Force.

That's all the excuse he needs to travel back from the future, lure the Avengers into a trap, and lock them in one of Magneto's old containment chairs that look like something an evil Stephen Hawkings would use. He spent the first two issues taking down Captain America and Iron Man. He had a good plan against them and was able to beat them, despite taking more licks than anyone infected with a techno-organic virus should allow. That plan didn't exactly extend to Red Hulk. This is where even a dedicated adopted father has his limits and it doesn't help that he now looks like a terminator reject.

But X-Sanction #3 shows that while Cable has a knack for screwing himself over, he's not without a Plan B. In the first issue of X-Sanction, it was revealed that Cable survived Second Coming and was sent into the future. It's a future that sucked ass, but he was able to meet up with his old buddy Blaquesmith. He was the one that told him he needed to hunt down the Avengers. He was the one that told him they fucked with his daughter in a non-R. Kelly sort of way. Knowing a guy his age with a techno-organic virus had his work cut out for him, it turns out Blaquesmith came back with him and arrives just in time to stab Red Hulk a new one before he puts a giant bullet in Cable's head. Now where was he before when Iron Man was kicking his ass? Presumably, he's taking a moment to enjoy the golden age of internet porn. But still, his entry is a bit convenient but there's a reason for that and it isn't apparent now so just enjoy the sight of Red Hulk getting stabbed.

It's still an unfair fight. Blaquesmith and Cable are essentially like pitting Betty White and Clay Akins against Mike Tyson. They're only tactic is to stay in one piece long enough to come up with a plan. But this overmatched battle isn't enough for Loeb if you can believe that. The last two issues have left some burning questions, namely how the fuck did Cable put together a scheme like this to take on the Avengers? Well he finally answers that with another flashback, continuing a similar theme set in previous issues. In these flashbacks we find out that Blaquesmith was the one that supplied Cable with those fancy containment chairs. He even supplied him with that fancy Iron Man suit that he used to take down Iron man in the previous issue. It even answers a more fundemental question. How the fuck did he get back to the past anyways? Simple. Blaquesmith had Dr. Doom's time machine.

To some, it sounds overly convenient. However, in this instance it actually adds some coherence to the story. Blaquesmith is a known time traveler and not known for his ballsy confrontations. So even if he had this gear, he wouldn't have the scrotal strength to take on the Avengers. But when Cable showed up, he now has both the manpower and the ballsiness to take on this mission. In other comics written by Jeph Loeb, these kinds of details often get overlooked. This time, they fit more nicely than a thong on Megan Fox's ass.

But clearing up details of the past is only a minor part to the plot. The meat of the conflict is the hulking red monster currently looking to beat the shit out of Cable and his time traveling, ass clenchingly ugly friend. All Blaquesmith can do is run around and try not to get shot. That doesn't last too long, but before Red Hulk can put a giant bullet in that deformed skull he calls a head Cable manages a psychic attack on his mind. This is quite a feat given that the past two issues have made it painfully clear that he's very sick. The techno-organic virus has limited his body and his powers. So a psychic attack is no easy feat, but it does give him the time he needs to gather himself, get his gun, and use Red Hulk for target practice.

That tactic lasts about as long as a chicken fried steak on John Goodman's dinner plate. After shaking off the bullets as only the Hulk can, Red Hulk comes storming back at Cable with a fucking anchor. To hell with a shield or a suit of iron. All Red Hulk needs is an anchor and Cable is in deep shit. It's painfully clear here that Red Hulk is a Jeph Loeb creation because he looks pretty badass here, much more so than Iron Man or Captain America did in previous issues. He lays it on Cable like PETA at a slaughterhouse. It gets to a point where it's pretty lopsided. Between the techno-organic virus and not having a containment chair big enough to hold Red Hulk, I imagine his asshole is getting mighty worried.

Red Hulk has him in a death grip with the anchor, forcing Cable to rely on some dumb luck. Well he gets it in a way that's more fucked up than it is dumb. Remember the techno-organic virus? You know, the thing that's been plaguing him his whole life and forced Cyclops to send him into the future back when Oliver North was being indicted for Iran Contra? Well he finally puts that shit to use and makes some deadly spikes from it. These spikes go into Red Hulk like a pin-cushion and unlike Cable, he hasn't had a lifetime with which to resist it. In the process he finds out that he can limit the damage done by the techno-organic virus by giving it to someone else. This is a little more fucked up because you would think that with all this time he would have figured that shit out. But he didn't. It may seem like an overly forced twist, but it succeeds in shutting up the Red Hulk. So in that sense it's the kind of fucked up dumb luck that works.

This could have been just the break Cable needed. He could have been back on track to start busting heads with more Avengers. But then there's a dramatic change with an emphasis on drama. I mentioned earlier that Blaquesmith was MIA for the first two books. Where could he have been? Well he wasn't just jerking off to the sound of people getting their ass kicked. He was off getting Cyclops and Hope, the only two people who could talk some sense into him. They arrive just in time to see him pointing a gun at Red Hulk's head. Needless to say, it makes for a very powerful moment.

Even if you didn't read Second Coming (the shame of a thousand glow sticks up the ass if you haven't), this moment has impact. Ever since the beginning of the series, Cable has made it clear that everything he's doing is for Hope. He sees the future and in it the Avengers made it so she and the rest of the world were scorched from the Earth. Now here she is right in front of him and while she's happy to see him, she's not too happy to find out that he's beating the shit out of the Avengers. Scott, his father mind you, isn't that thrilled either and Cable has never been one to act rationally when it comes to family matters. Just ask his son Tyler. Oh wait, he's dead. Never mind!

The drama here escalates. Cyclops is prepared to free the Avengers and stop his son. Cable isn't having it. They go back and forth, recalling what it means to be a parent and sacrifice for a child. Cyclops did that for Cable back when he was a baby and he makes it clear how much that stuck with him. Cable makes it clear that he's willing to make just as big a sacrifice for Hope. In a series that's been mostly Cable beating the shit out of the Avengers (which is pretty awesome in it's own right), this kind of drama really adds another element to the story. It's a major change from the last two issues, but in a decidedly awesome way.

The tension escalates as Cyclops makes it clear that he's not going to let Cable continue. Cable goes so far to point a gun at his own father, forcing Hope to stand between them before this becomes fucked up on a Jerry Springer type level. But before Springer can get to his Final Thought, the rest of the Avengers catch up with them. That includes Spider-Man and Wolverine. Yes, the same Wolverine that came to hate Cyclops's guts after Schism. And since they don't know what's going on, they see the Avengers all roughed up and that's enough to convince them that someone needs to get their ass kicked. Since Wolverine kicked Cyclops's ass in Schism, he probably figures that it's Cable's turn and Spider-Man can just be the comic relief. If that doesn't make the final issue all the more appealing, then have someone kick you in the balls because that's the only other way the impact could be greater.

Jeph Loeb may be more inconsistent than Lady Gaga's wardrobe, but when he makes an awesome comic it's a sight to behold. Three of four issues are finished and so far I've found no reason to go on another rant about comics that are more style than substance. At times I wonder if maybe I've smoked too much weed or ingested too many hallucinogens. Then I remember 12-stepping is for pussies and read the comic again to remind myself that this is real. This is Jeph Loeb at his best, telling a story that not only fits in nicely as a prelude to Avengers vs. X-men, but throws in a little drama to counter the adrenaline before it blows up your heart.

Now I admit I was a bit cautious about this issue because I suspected that Loeb would start following too much of a formula. The battle against Captain America and Iron Man weren't too varied aside from the tools they used. It could have gone the same way against Red Hulk, but by bringing Blaquesmith into the mix as well as Cyclops and Hope it adds an extra element of drama that the first two issues were missing. Some elements of it do feel a bit contrived like how Blaquesmith ran off to find Cyclops and Hope and only arrived in time to stop Red Hulk. The same goes for the techno-organic virus. He's had this thing for so long and only now he figures out how to slow it down? It seems off, but not by much.

X-Sanction is quickly becoming a very worthy prelude to Avengers vs. X-men. Cable's battle has been pretty intense so far, but in this issue it took a dramatic twist while filling in some blanks with the first two issues. I'm somewhat at a loss for how well Loeb has been handling this. I'm also at a loss for the implications this issue and this overall series will have on Avengers vs. X-men. X-Sanction #3 gets another 5 out of 5. And if the final issue ends as well as this one, then I'm that much more confident that Avengers vs. X-men will put me in an awesome induced coma. Nuff said!

CBR X-POSITION: X-Editors - My Questions Asked and (Mostly) Answered

2012-02-01T13:03:00.000-08:00

I've always suspected that the big wigs at Marvel get way too many kicks out of the power they have over legions of fanboys like myself. At some point I'm sure they stop and think "Gee, I can legally profit off the awesome of these characters and mold them in my own vision. Damn, that's cool!" There are times when they use that power responsibly. There are times when they abuse it with the ferocity of hungry lion in a pack of wounded zebras. But lately, they've been doing a lot of shit right so for that I raise my glass and drink to their contributions. Keeping in mind, of course, that I drink to damn near anything.

Whenever the editors (you know, the ones with the REAL authority at Marvel), come out from their secret underground base built that's probably nestled somewhere in the Alps it's a big deal. Especially when a huge event like Avengers vs. X-men is on the horizon. Pretty much everyone at Marvel won't shut up about it and why would they? They're pitting the Avengers against the X-men while the freakin' Phoenix Force is on it's way to cook them like a pound of bacon in an Epic Mealtime video. It's led to all sorts of speculation and what not. So for this week's X-POSITION column, the X-Editors took time to further tempt us X-men fans into parting with our money and part of our souls.

CBR X-POSITION: X-men Editors

As any responsible drunk, I took some time between hangovers and binges to write a few questions for the find folk putting together this epic event. Not all of them were asked, but the fine folk at CBR were nice enough to ask the important ones. This is what they said.

MarvelMaster616 is next, and he begins our descent into the world of queries surrounding "Avengers vs. X-Men."

1) I've really been enjoying Jeph Loeb's work on "Avengers: X-Sanction." Can you talk about how the events of this story will fit into what happens in "Avengers vs. X-Men" and the books preceding it?

2) It's already been established that the Phoenix Force will be a big part of "Avengers vs. X-Men." However, there's been no mention whatsoever of Jean Grey. If I recall, Jean Grey supposedly merged fully with the Phoenix Force during the events of "Phoenix -- Endsong," yet she's been utterly divorced from the Phoenix Force as it has interacted with Hope, the Cuckoos, and Rachel Grey. When did the Phoenix Force become completely separate from Jean Grey?

3) In one of the covers to "Avengers vs. X-Men," Wolverine looks torn between fighting alongside the Avengers and the X-Men. What can we expect from him as the conflict unfolds?

Old chum, MarvelMaster616! Have you lost weight? You look terrific! Anyway, let's answer your queries!

1) "Avengers: X-Sanction" will have no effect on the books preceding AvX (as it's one of them and isn't finished yet), but it will have big effects on AvX itself. That will become way more clear when you've seen issues #3 and #4.

2) You are correct that there has been no mention of Jean Grey leading up to AvX. Read into that however you would like. Can't say much more than that, I'm afraid.

3) That's another question I can't say too much about without spoiling things. But the gravitational pull between the A and X will weigh heavily on Wolverine. You'll see this in AvX #1, "Wolverine and the X-Men" #9 and "New Avengers" #24.

I'm not sure if it's a good sign that the X-crew recognize my drunken ramblings or not. I'm also not even sure if Nick Lowe was just screwing with me. It may be a little of both since I doubt he reads this blog. But he's always been among the more eccentric members of the Marvel crew so I take some of his words with a grain of salt. But at least he made an effort.

The first question about X-Sanction was poorly worded on my part. I probably shouldn't have used the words 'preceeding.' I meant to ask whether X-Sanction would effect any other books besides Avengers vs. X-men. But whether he intended to or not, he may have already answered it in stating that it would affect the event itself. If I can take that at face value (and I'm never sure with Nick Lowe), that means that the outcome of X-Sanction probably won't be felt in other X-books until Avengers vs. X-men kicks in. So I got my answer there.

I didn't expect him to spoil the ongoing conflict between Wolverine's hatred of Cyclops, his membership to the Avengers, and which side he takes. But I always appreciate it when someone actually gives me issues to look forward to so that I at least know when I get my answer. It's better than Tom Brevoort just saying "wait and see" on his Formspring account. That shit just gets old after a while. So I appreciate that.

Where things get fuzzy though is with the Jean Grey question. And honestly, is that surprising? Everyone at Marvel has been allergic to Jean Grey lately. That's understandable when there isn't a rip-off character that looks just like her in Hope Summers running around and when the Phoenix Force isn't on it's way to broil the Earth. Unfortunately, this isn't the case. Despite being dead for nearly a decade, Jean Grey still comes up in pretty much every major interview about the future of X-men. Yet Marvel is trying much harder than usual to avoid addressing her on every level. Some may see that as a sign that she's going to play a part in this event. I interpret more as an "if we ignore it long enough then maybe it'll go away." It doesn't work with cockroaches so I don't see why it would work with Jean Grey. This begs the question as to why Jean hasn't been mentioned. Forget for a moment that Hope Summers looks just like her, adopted her dress sense, and was raised by what is technically her biological son. When the fucking Phoenix Force is involved, Jean Grey is usually not far behind. Even in shitty stories like Phoenix Warsong, she's at least mentioned at times. None of that shit has happened with Avengers vs. X-men. This may or may not be Jean's triumphant and overdue return. Or it may be the event the finally separates her fully from the Phoenix Force and entrenches Hope as her replacement. I'm personally inclined to believe the latter given Marvel's utter revulsion to bring Jean back while bringing characters like Sabretooth back. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm not getting my hopes up for Jean's return. There have just been too many false teases for it to have any real meaning.

I'm still excited about Avengers vs. X-men. I feel it's going to be the biggest event since the invention of whiskey. But if you're a Jean Grey fan and are banking on this to be her big comeback, I would caution you to tie your ass to a tree and hold on because when that rug gets pulled out from under you it'll be a hell of a fall. Other than that, this has all the necessary potential to be the biggest event in a decade. The onus is on Marvel to blow our minds and I've got the paper towels and windex ready. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #261 - Reflections of Past Awesome

2012-01-28T04:25:00.000-08:00

I've taken some heat for my assessment of X-men Legacy lately. Some complain I make too big a deal out of the Magneto/Rogue shit. Granted, it makes for great jokes about senility and Anna Nichole Smith, but I do admit it gets old. While I still feel it's worth belaboring, I haven't let it completely destroy my outlook on X-men Legacy. I still enjoy many aspects of this book, even though Mike Carey has left. The torch has already been passed to Christos Gage, who is best known for his work on Avengers Academy. He already showed us what he can do with X-men Legacy #260.1. Overall, it was a decent comic. But let's face it, he's trying to follow Mike Carey's legacy. That's like trying to fuck a beautiful woman after she's been ravaged by Brad Pitt for two straight hours. You've got your work cut out for you.

Christos Gage began his run by having the Legacy crew establish themselves at the Jean Grey Institute for Higher Learning. They're basically the senior staff that hasn't gotten tenure yet, assuming of course they start bribing the teachers union. So when something like a demon hoard arrives to attack the school, they're on the front lines. X-men Legacy #260.1 demonstrated that they can handle this role nicely and just as with Mike Carey, Rogue takes center stage with her ability to use a massive cocktail of powers and beat down anything that keeps students from their daily does of torture in an algebra class. Boy, what I wouldn't have given for a demon attack in high school. But I guess that's besides the point. In addition to being the unofficial patrols, they also have their share of high school drama. Rogue is still lamenting that Magneto is no longer slipping her the high hard one and Frenzy is still reeling from the influence of Cyclops's penis in Age of X. It leads her and Gambit to end Gage's first issue in a spit-swapping contest. So at least Gage has captured Mike Carey's spirit of having equal battles between sinister forces and the characters' own genitals.

X-men Legacy #261 marks Christos Gage's first issue that doesn't remind readers of how much math sucked back in school. It doesn't start off with a demon attack or any shit like that. It focuses on drama while showing the Legacy crew as they teach some of the students at the Jean Grey Institute, presumably for shitty pay and little recognition like most teachers. Rogue is still dwelling on Magneto's wrinkly scrotum banging against her ass while Frenzy and Gambit have an awkward moment. They're quick to label that kiss in the last issue a mistake. Gambit still seems hung up on Rogue. I assume his scrotum is still collapsed due to the knowledge that she preferred getting her clam filled by Magneto. Frenzy seems to acknowledge this, which is kind of fucked up because that kiss at the end of the last issue could have started something new. Here, it's just glossed over. It's almost as bad as the Cyclops/Emma relationship, minus the porno elements.

And then there's the Rogue/Magneto plot that hasn't been resolved (or effectively set up for that matter). I know I'll get a few comments whining about how I belabor this point, but it's worth belaboring when someone like Rogue that's so competent in so many other fields is stupid enough to spread her legs for a guy that has a history of wanting to extinguish the human race. But I'll try and taper my drunken rage for the moment. Gage actually takes some time here to explore that plot that seemed to be pulled out of one too many different asses. It's nothing elaborate. It's just Rogue chatting with Rachel Grey, the other red-hared green-eyed mutant that doesn't have the Phoenix Force anymore. The drama here is basically taken right out of a High Grant movie. Rogue never really cleared the air with Magneto, but doesn't want to call him to give the impression that she thinks she's wrong for coming to Westchester. Throw in Jennifer Love Hewitt and cheesy dialog and you've got a shitty romantic comedy.

Thankfully, drama only takes up a few pages of this issue. A much bigger issue emerges when Blindfold, a mutant with the power to spoil every movie and football game, shows up and lets them know they have a visitor and it's not Jehovahs Witnesses, but it's just as unwelcome. Early on in Mike Carey's run, he involved Exodus in a plot with Charles Xavier. Then after Messiah Complex, Exodus has been MIA. Presumably, he's just as disgusted with Rogue boning Magneto as well. But he shows up at the front door of the Jean Grey Institute looking all red and douchy. Rogue calls Wolverine and the rest of the Institute staff to meet at the front door to beat this asshole to a pulp before he threatens to level the school. Yet that's not his goal if you can believe that. He says he's there to save mutant-kind.

No really. That's why he says he's there. Not to kidnap someone or kill anyone. That's his stated mission. He says that the schism between mutants is dangerous. Like his name implies, he's going Old Testament on them minus the genocide and misogyny. He says that abandoning Utopia was a bad decision and one that will doom the mutant race. It's not an unreasonable assessment because they've already done the divide part in their enemies' divide and conquer strategy. Now he says they need to resolve their differences with Cyclops. But here's the catch. He's not asking them. He's telling them, which sounds like my old baseball coach only without the threat of throwing baseball bats at my head.

The X-men respond to this as you would expect. They don't like being told what to do even if the asshole doing it does have some valid point. So Rogue leads the assault with Cannonball, Wolverine, Rachel, Gambit, Frenzy, and even Iceman present. That sounds like a pretty tough team until you remember that Exodus is one of those overpowered villains that in a real world setting would human skin to wipe his ass. The battle here is pretty well-organized. The X-men put up a decent fight, but Exodus is just too damn resourceful. So how do they beat him? Well why not take a page right out of...the last issue. Okay, that's not very original, but that's what happens here.

In the first issue when the battle got tough, Rogue just called timeout to go grab some powers from the students at the Jean Grey Institute to tip the balance. She does the exact same thing here. And I mean almost beat for beat. It's one thing to do this in the same series, but doing it after it was already done in the last issue? At least give me some time to kill the necessary brain cells to forget! At least Gage makes it somewhat comedic this time. Rogue swipes some of Exodus's teleportation powers and makes her way to the lower levels of the institute where she meets up with Kid Gladiator, who was introduced as another overpowered douche-bag in Wolverine and the X-men. She asks to borrow his powers. He responds by saying he'll only do it if she joins his harem and presumably participates in an orgy. I admit, if I was in his position I would probably do the same. But Rogue isn't without her charm. She swipes his powers with a kiss before leaving. While this pisses off Kid Gladiator's guardian, he does look quite smitten. It's a cute way of showing that even alien teenagers get awkward boners.

Armed with Kid Gladiator's powers, Rogue returns to the battle and tips the balance. She arrives just as Exodus is reminding Frenzy that they used to be on the same team and she used to believe in their cause until she was corrupted by Cyclops's penis. He threatens to remove her memories of his overpowering dong, which could have made for a very powerful moment. But Rogue comes in just in time and beats the shit out of Exodus. It's a great spectacle, but at the same time it seems like a missed opportunity because it could have fleshed out the conflict with Frenzy. She's clearly in a vulnerable position as most women are after banging Cyclops. The fact that she didn't want her memories changed says something, but it isn't explored and that's just disappointing. So you're stuck watching Rogue beat up Exodus. I concede that's a decent consolation prize.

But despite this ass-kicking, Exodus refuses to back down. You almost have to admire the guy because he believes he's saving the mutant race and not just being a raging douche. The X-men belabor their case that they couldn't stay on Utopia. Exodus just can't wrap his head around why they would willingly divide their species. Then out of frustration, Rogue opens her mind to let him see for himself. What we get as a result is a quick flashback that shows the events of Second Coming and Schism all on one page. It's a nice little recap. It seems out of place since this is usually the kind of shit that the .1 issues are supposed to address, but it offers yet another reminder of what led to Schism. Again, I haven't killed enough brain cells to forget so for most readers this is wasted ink. For me, it just means I need stronger weed.

Nevertheless, it gets the job done. Exodus sees this and understands. And in a very non-douche way, he stops fighting. He actually says that Wolverine and his crew are completely justified in their actions. He even makes it a point to list Hope as a really fucked up part of the equation that for some ungodly reason is the key to the mutant race's salvation. He seems to see her as a threat so he must be an angry Jean Grey fan as well. He leaves the institute saying he's going to fix this, but that has some rather fucked up implications. It doesn't take long for Rogue and the rest of her crew to realize that they may have just sent Exodus to Utopia to fuck things up more than they already are. It's a rather ironic twist, but one that puts a nice twist on this conflict and could potentially lead to a very awkward confrontation with Team Cyclops.

It's amazing how it seems like so much shit happens in an issue, but it's just as long as every other book that's overpriced at $3.99. A lot happens in this book and most of it is pretty awesome. Christos Gage has had two issues so far to set a new tone for X-men Legacy and with this issue, I'm not afraid to say he's succeeding. He's not taking this series down a radically different path. Like so many of the other X-men Regenesis books, the fallout from Schism is still affecting many of the characters. The plot here is sound. Exodus, despite his history of being an asshole, actually arrives with some valid concerns for mutant kind. Even he understands that being divided makes them vulnerable. It leads to a fight with some very interesting undertones and one Gage handles nicely. The prospect of this battle extending over to Utopia adds even more potential that unified coherence that has made the X-books a new kind of awesome.

There's a lot to like about this issue, but there are still some elements that hold it back. I've pointed out how fucked up the Rogue/Magneto plot is and how it should be taken out back to a dark alley, shot in the head, and pissed on before being burned. So I won't repeat myself. But the fight in this issue followed the same formula as the last issue almost to the letter. Everyone starts getting their ass kicked, Rogue steps out for a moment to borrow some powers from students, and then she returns to beat the shit out of whatever threat they were facing. It's nice the first time around, but the sheer lack of variation between two issues just makes it seem cliched. If this is how every issue is going to pan out, then it's going to be akin to being the weatherman in Death Valley. It just gets too fucking predictable.

Even if there was some copying and pasting going on, this is still a quality comic. There's plenty of drama and some elaborate fighting that makes for quite a spectacle. The prospect of taking that spectacle to Utopia offers plenty of appeal for the story. I like that Gage isn't just continuing the themes that Mike Carey set up and mixing them nicely with the general post-Schism status quo. There are a few shortcomings, but it's still an above average comic with the potential to be much better depending on how the next issue pans out. I give X-men Legacy #261 a 3.5 out of 5. I want to give it something higher, but the missed opportunities along with the recycled plot make it difficult to give it too high a mark. But if Gage can work his magic with the next few issues, I'll make a conscious effort to stop mentioning Mike Carey so often in my X-men Legacy reviews. Keep in mind I made a conscious effort to quit drinking before, so try and taper your expectations. Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue 46: Paradise Mystery PREVIEW

2012-01-27T03:00:00.000-08:00

The dog days of winter have set in and the X-men Supreme fanfiction series keeps moving along! I've been keeping warm by my computer screen, churning out more story to move this fanfiction forward. I understand that the past few issues of X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope have been a bit political. At a time when the American presidential race is heating up, it's only appropriate that the world of X-men Supreme deal with such issues. At the same time, I understand that there's only so far that political stories can go with a comic book audience. So I'll come out and say right now that politics will not dominate X-men Supreme in this volume or future volums. It will only play a secondary role. With that in mind, the new issue of X-men Supreme takes a break from politics and gets back to the kind of action that I'm sure most X-men fans would appreciate. I've prepared a brief preview here to offer a nice taste of what you can expect.

“Father? Do you have a moment?”

“For you, Lorna, always,” said the master of magnetism as he turned to face her.

Taking off his helmet, Magneto entered his opulent throne room where his daughter was waiting for him.

“Tell me, what is on your mind, my dear?” he asked.

“A number of things, actually,” she said, “I was surveying the new residential areas with Wanda today. The buildings look good, definitely a step up from the old apartment my mom and I used to live in. But some of the residents aren’t too keen on the rules we’re laying out. There’s still a lot of theft, petty feuds, and vandalism.”

“Were you and Wanda able to contain the situation?” he asked cryptically.

“Yes, but it still feels like mob mentality out there. A lot of these mutants are here from the uprising. They didn’t come to live peacefully. They came to fight. Now that the fighting is over, they can’t seem to move on.”

“That is to be expected in any nation founded through conflict. Preserving order rarely happens overnight, particularly when the people still feel threatened.”

“But they aren’t threatened!” Lorna argued, “I mean yeah, we have ten different armies watching us, but they’re leaving us alone! Why can’t they accept that?”

“Most of these mutants have been living with that threat for most of their lives. Part of the promise I made them was to free them from it. It is a promise I still intend to make good on.”

“But how? It seems the only way they’ll ever be satisfied is if we go back on the deal that allowed us to be our own country in the first place.”

“Then like me, they’ll have to learn to compromise,” said the master of magnetism, “They may not like it, but if they want to live on this sanctuary they will accept it. We’ve spent a great deal of time rebuilding this nation and making it our own. I will not allow it to succumb to chaos and decadence. That you can be sure of.”

Lorna smiled somewhat at his strong words. Her father had many flaws, but lack of resolve wasn’t one of them. She still sensed he didn’t like this situation, but he was doing the best he could with it. For that she was proud of him.

Her gesture made Magneto smile as well. Of all those who stood beside him during these difficult times, few had a more profound effect on him than his once estranged daughter. She proved time and again that he could temper his anger for humanity and focus more on his fellow mutants. It was something he was still getting used to, but he was finding new ways to further his goals.

“I trust your word, Father,” she said, “I just have so much hope for this place and so does Wanda. We can do so much good for mutants by giving them a sanctuary. If we can show the world that mutants can create a peaceful society, then maybe we can move beyond this whole conflict with humanity.”

“Maybe…” said Magneto distantly, “That reminds me, have you spoken to Pietro? What’s his status on that little side-project I gave him?”

“You mean the caves?” she said, “Yeah, I did talk to him about that. He said they found some of Hodge’s old excavations in a quarry near the coast. It was in pretty bad shape because of cave-ins, but Avalanche got them through.”

“Did they find anything unusual?”

“Not that I know of,” she shrugged, “Why? What are you expecting to find?”

Magneto fell silent. He turned away from his daughter and back towards the balcony. As much as he cared for her support during this endeavor, there were still some things she just couldn’t share with her. This was one of them.

“Watch over the Citadel, Lorna. I’m going to pay him and the Brotherhood a visit,” he said as he put his helmet back on.

In addition to this preview, I have yet another update to the X-men Supreme Official Panels section. My old friend, MarvelWriter03, has submitted another piece. This time it's a nice rendition of Angel in a unique X-men Supreme look. As always, I deeply appreciate such contributions to this fanfiction series. If anyone else wishes to submit their work to X-men Supreme, please let me know and I'll be happy to discuss it. Or if you just want to talk comics with me, feel free to contact me at any time. There is so much more to come with this fanfiction series and I look forward to sharing it. Excelsior!

Jack

Astonishing X-men #46 - Multiverse Madness (of Awesome)

2012-01-26T02:27:00.000-08:00

In most other spheres of my life, I don't like surprises (when I'm sober). If a woman knocks on my door armed with a baseball bat in one hand and a paternity test result in the other, I'd be pretty pissed about that. In comics, however, I don't mind surprises. Especially when it's the kind of surprise that takes a story that sucked in too many ways and adds in new elements that turn that suck into the kind of awesome you can mix with your speed. In my experience as a drunken fanboy, I've found that if the first few issues of an arc sucks the gerbil from a gay man's ass then chances are the whole arc will suck just as much. On rare exceptions (and by rare I mean photos of Michelle Bachmann going down on Nancy Polosi rare), a comic does start off lame but improves to something truly awesome. Like a total eclipse, it doesn't happen often, but when it does it's so beautiful that you may go blind if you stare at it too long.

Greg Pak's little field trip into the world of Astonishing X-men started off on shaky grounds. First there was that whole deceptive cover bit with Storm and Cyclops that got fanfiction writers imagining all sorts of depraved acts. Then there was the inclusion of yet another alternate X-men reality with new versions of Emma, Wolverine, Nightcrawler, and Kitty with shitty knock-off labels like Emmeile or adamantine. Yet despite these circumstances, Pak managed to put together a pretty intriguing story. First, he actually ties Astonishing into the shit that's going on in the other X-books. I know that doesn't seem like much, but to this point Astonishing has been so disconnected that it's like the Amish member of the X-men family. It centered around Cyclops being messed up about Schism and being led onto a mission with Storm, who just ended up being an alternate version Storm. It sounds like it shouldn't work, but Pak has defied the basic law that if it starts out fucked up it ends fucked up.

Astonishing X-men #45 was a great recovery issue from the insanity of the first. It helped introduce these alternate versions of the X-men and offered hints as to what kind of world they were stuck in. It's not your traditional post-apocalyptic scenario that is the basis for every anime series. It's actually slightly more fucked up if you can believe that. This man, calling himself the Savior, controls the world with his mind in a way that earns him the kind of worship that Pat Robertson only wish he had. He seems like a nice guy, but then we find out he's taking mutants from different alternate realities and using them like Duracell batteries for some fucked up machine. Cyclops and a few others including an alternate Wolverine break free. But the comic ended before we could get more of an explanation.

Astonishing X-men #46 provides that explanation in the very first few pages. First off, it reveals that the savior is actually Charles Xavier with Fabio style hair. Like so many other X-men realities, he sought to unite humans and mutants in a battle against Magneto. He succeed by opening his mind and sharing his thoughts with the world. It turns out, people weren't completely disgusted with the feeling and embraced him. Hell, if that's all it takes to bring peace than the X-men comics could have been resolved in two issues. I'll just assume the people of this reality are more gullible than the people who give money to a crack head and expect it back. But saving the world wasn't enough. Magneto threw in one last fuck you and uses his powers to destroy the Earth's electromagnetic field, killing millions in a very Ultimatum-like way minus the horrendous blood porn. That's where those mutant-powered batteries came in. That's what allowed the Savior to fix the planet. Unfortunately, he ran out of mutants and started lifting them from other realities. I know there are an infinite number of realities according to comic book physics, but it still counts as a dick move.

That freaky scene at the end of the last issue turns out to be exactly what it looks like. The Savior didn't stop at just using his own mind to fuck with people. He actually went out of his way to take countless other Xaviers from other alternate universe, cut off their heads, and use them in his giant Cerebro of horrors. It's a pretty elaborate and disturbing contraption. It's like a serial killer that collects the hands of his victims. Except in the Savior's case, this collection is more useful. Using his powers, he starts psychically attacking Cyclops and the rest of the alternate world X-men he freed. With power like that, it's only a matter of time before you start shitting your brain out throuogh your eyes.

It would have made for a short fight. Then the kid Nightcrawler that looks like he was taken right out of an episode of X-men Evolution finds out that the Savior could get a part in that Hoarding show on National Geographic. Remember when he mentioned how he took mutants from multiple realities? Well it turns out he took a shit ton of Magnetos from other realities, leaving to a surplus of spare helmets. Now I don't know why the Savior wouldn't throw away a bunch of contraptions that allow people to block out his psychic attacks, but I guess he's like that kid who collects boogers in grade school. He just can't throw crap away. Plus, it's probably better to keep it under his watch than let it become a shitty fashion statement.

Armed with these helmets, Cyclops flexes his scrotum and leads this team of alternate world X-men in a battle against the Savior. And in a ill-fitting move, he teams up with Wolverine while he chooses to split up the others. I mean why would he do that? Why not just take the alternate Emma Frost and say "In my world, you're totally in love with me and you let me tit fuck you every five minutes." But that's just me.

Cyclops and the alternate Wolverine, or James as he's called here, fight their way towards the Savior. They maul through some of the Savior's henchmen along the way. But such action is standard. What stands out here is how Cyclops talks with this other Wolverine. Unlike other Astonishing X-men titles, the shit hat happens in other books does matter so the effects of Wolverine leaving really do bother him. This is where Greg Pak really shines because while this is not the Wolverine that Cyclops knows, his emotions surrounding Schism definitely shows. And unlike his Wolverine, this one is actually willing to listen. Alternate universe. Impossible shit is the only norm.

While Cyclops and Wolverine are making their way towards the Savior, Emmeline (alternate Emma Frost) works with kid Nightcrawler and a less perky version of Kitty Pryde to create a distraction. She starts by hitting the Savior with a psychic attack. All it does is give him a bloody nose and make him look like the Grateful Dead after diving into a pile of blow. He's able to retort and make her look like Ike Turner's last six girlfriends. It seems like a shitty move, but there is some strategy behind it. Cyclops may be in a shitty state personalty, but he's still a brilliant strategist. He's like the Dr. House of leadership.

Emmeline's attack gets the Savior's attention. With it, he sics Storm on them. That is, the same Storm that swapped spit with Cyclops earlier and seems to want to jump his bone at every turn. But even if this Storm can't keep her clam in it's shell, she still packs a punch. Kid Nightcrawler and Shadow (alternate Kitty Pryde) try to attack her. They catch her by surprise at first, but when you can shove lightning up someone's ass then it's really not a fair fight. It also doesn't help that Nightcrawler is still a kid and manages to teleport his way right into a crowd of armed men. So while Cyclops's strategy to divert the Savior's attention was sound, he might as well have teamed up with the three stooges.

Since his team did such a shitty job, Storm is able to fly back towards the Savior just in time to give them a 50,000 volt reminder that she can fry their balls whenever she gets bored. It ends the fight before Cyclops and Wolverine can get to the Savior. But she's not done yet. She's merciful enough to keep Cyclops's balls intact because she still probably wants to suck them. All dick jokes aside, she seems genuinely serious about wanting to win this Cyclops over. So she urges the Savior to go into his mind and show him the same thing he showed the rest of the world that brought about so much peace. He connects him to every mind on the planet.

It seems like a fucked up thing to do, but when you think about it this definitely has some philosophical underpinnings. Pretty much all of human conflict stems from the fact that most people can't think outside their own heads and for some it's often stuck up their ass. But by bypassing all the clutter and connecting to everyone's mind, we all in theory see just how similar and/or boring we truly are.

However, this understanding is pretty much lost on Cyclops. Even after sensing all the thoughts in this world, he makes clear that it's not enough to make him okay with using the multiverse to fuel a raging death machine that also massages the ego of a madman. This is Cyclops. He's too stubborn to see even a psychically induced taste of utter nirvana. I'm not sure if that makes him noble or just stupid. I can't help but wonder how shitty his LSD tolerance must be. Regardless, he puts Magneto's helmet back on and prepares to take on the Savior. It's sets the stage for a fight that leaves little room for talking out their differences and plenty of room for blowing shit up. That kind of thing is definitely worth waiting for in the next issue.

Ever since Joss Whedon left Astonishing X-men, the series has been more chaotic Courtney Love's mood swings when she's PMSing. It's been all too easy a title to ignore as the other X-books have improved in quality. Greg Pak does something special here. He makes his Astonishing arc actually have meaning to what's going on in the other X-books. It isn't just about Cyclops dealing with the events of Schism. In this he actually gets to interact with another Wolverine and take on another version of his mentor. He's shown the same things that brought peace to their world and still fought on. It isn't just another villain he's fighting. This Savior wants to save his world as well. That makes for a conflicting yet compelling struggle that Greg Pak makes into a brilliant story.

This issue definitely filled in the very ominous blanks left by the first two issues. In light of this issue, those two actually make much more sense now. It's still a little convoluted in the sense that it took two issues to make things salient. Certain aspects like using elements from a shitty story like Ultimatum made certain details a bit cliched. Even so, the action and the character interactions really fleshed this story out. It wasn't just an improvement over the previous issue. It was a complete retooling that painted a much clearer picture and used all the right elements to make it compelling.

While Greg Pak may not be staying on Astonishing X-men long term, he's definitely making his mark on this book. I admit I was pretty disappointed with his first issue, but he's done more than enough to redeem himself. He's shown in other Marvel books that he's resilient when it comes to tough stories. He pounds that point home with a sledge hammer here. This is without a doubt the best Astonishing X-men has been in years. It could still be better since not everything has come together just yet. With that in mind, I give Astonishing X-men #46 a 4 out of 5. Take comfort in this because that means this book is awesome in a way that isn't "walking through the raindrops of the continuity" as Marvel loves to put it. That shit wasn't working and unless you're okay with smelling like a cow's ass, you make the necessary change and they've done it with Greg Pak. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-Force #20 - With Liberty and Awesome for All

2012-01-22T02:21:00.000-08:00

I have a mixed history with the law and justice in general. For the most part, I'm for it. I get a warm, fuzzy feeling in the pit of my colon whenever I see a murderer, a child molester, or the head of an investment bank get sentenced to consecutive life terms in prison with the assumption that he'll be someone's bitch. On the flip side, I erupt into uncontrolled rage when policemen with nothing better to do bust me or a buddy for having a bag of weed or stumbling down a street at two in the morning after getting shit faced drunk. I like to think that there's a healthy balance. Superhero comics have always utilized justice as a theme of sorts, righteous or otherwise. Nobody will cough up a lung when a villain gets busted and sent to jail. But when someone that's supposed to be a hero is on trail, that's when shit gets heavy.

Justice is kind of a moot point in a series like Uncanny X-Force. By definition, these guys are breaking the law, no more than two of the Ten Commandments, and probaby making baby Jesus cry at some point. They're lying to their friends, their enemies, and their allies about what they do. They go out in dark uniforms and take care of threats in a way that they can't be very heroic about, which usually involves bloodshed and poop jokes from Deadpool. Justice was hardly an issue during the Dark Angel Saga. When the world is about to go to hell, laying down the law just seems stupid. While this event may be over, the circumstances surrounding it have not been resolved. Since Rick Remender's brain is supercharged by ten nuclear reactors, he continues to explore this theme in the pages of Uncanny X-Force #20.

It's the first issue since the Dark Angel Saga ended and the first issue that's officially part of X-men Regenesis. Forget for a moment that Remender has to follow up a story as awesome as the Dark Angel Saga. Before that story even began, there were still issues. Things like Fantomex killing kid Apocalypse can't exactly be glossed over. There are other outside issues that haven't even come up yet. Issues like how Psylocke can be part of a secret kill squad while her brother, Brian Braddock aka Captain Britain, is a nationally known hero. As is often the case, you can't keep secrets from nosy siblings. They'll find ways to get dirt on you even if they have to hire the CIA. When this comic begins, Psylocke wakes up in her brother's hero pad. It turns out that when Psylocke's powers were expanded in the Dark Angel Saga, that re-established a link to her brother and exposed all her dirty X-Force secrets. Probably exposed what she likes to have done to her with a strap-on too so Brain is probably fucked up enough. In addition, he flat out admits that he abducted her in her sleep so they could address this whole being part of a kill squad ordeal. He argues that her place is with her family and Wolverine and his gang of secret thugs. It sounds almost as unpleasant as when my sister explained to me why I needed to buy her tampons at three in the morning.

But Captain Britain isn't just abducting his sister from some bad influences for her own good. No, that would make too much sense for an overbearing sibling. He brought her to his headquarters because he needs her help. Like a sibling that buys you dinner only so they can ask to borrow your car for the weekend, she lures her into his domain known as the Tower Omniverse. It's dangerously close to being a Green Lantern ripoff, but it doesn't involve tacky jewelry or cliched oaths. Regardless, Captain Britain and his corp of of justice-loving comrades have good reason for getting a high powered telepath. Their corp has been under attack by an army overpowered sociopaths from various realities. It's sort of like a vacation spot for every movie villain in history so while Brian may have good reason for wanting his sister back, it's still a dick move. He somewhat makes up for it by revealing some special tech that would give her back her old body. But that wouldn't mean she wouldn't be a hot Asian chick anymore. That should serve to make Captain Britain worse than Hitler in the eyes of every X-men fan.

While Betsy is having an impromptu family reunion, Wolverine and his X-Force buddies are welcoming their newest member with a Danger Room exercise. One of the other aftermaths of the Dark Angel Saga was that AOA Nightcrawler decided to stay. Not because his world is a shitty wasteland that a super powered tyrant anally raped into desolation, but because some of his AOA buddies decided to set up shop in 616 as well. So he figures it's only proper that he hunt them down and kill them. What better team to help him than X-Force?

However, it's not as bittersweet as you might think. During the course of the training, AOA Nightcrawler demonstrates in a number of gruesome ways that he is NOT the same god-loving Nightcrawler that Wolverine and every other 616 fan knows and loves. This guy is cruel, ruthless, cold, and makes lame James Bond puns. He says outright that he's not there to replace their dead Nightcrawler. He's in 616 to get revenge. It definitely rubs some like Wolverine the wrong way, who on some levels I think is trying to replace Nightcrawler. He even gets on Deadpool's nerves. You know you're a special kind of asshole when you annoy someone like Deadpool.

Despite AOA Nightcrawler's apt for taking a shit on the memory of their fallen friend, he's there to stay. He makes that clear to X-Force and they're not in a position to say no. They need someone to pick up the slack left by Angel being mind-fucked in the Dark Angel Saga. They may end up being down even more because after the Danger Room session, Fantomex's old friend the Ultimaton shows up to inform them that not only has Psylocke been abducted. Fantomex has been abducted as well.

Now why would Captain Britain and his corps go through the trouble of abducting a wannabe French douche-bag in addition to his smoking hot telepathic sister? Well while Psylocke is musing over her brother's offer to get her old body back and join a team that doesn't involve being on a secret kill squad, he also reveals that they took Fantomex to put him on trial. What's his crime? I mean aside from being a douche? He shot a kid in the head in the first arc of Uncanny X-Force. There are a lot of crimes that comics are willing to overlook. Even making a deal with the devil to absolve your marriage seems acceptable. But killing a kid? That just can't go unpunished. So with questionable jurisdiction, Psylocke finds out that her brother's people have put Fantomex in shackles and brought him up to this overblown courtroom that looks like something Judge Judy masturbates to.

If you're a little confused, you're in good company. And it isn't just because we may know the same pot dealer. Rick Remender is usually very good about not pulling shit out of his ass that doesn't stink. This whole bit with Captain Britain and his corps suddenly feeling the need to try Fantomex seems a bit contrived. And even if it's just something he learned about through picking at his sister's thoughts, why use it when he's trying to convince her to join him? It just seems too random on some levels.

On others, however, Rick Remender still shows his usual attention to detail. The trial isn't exactly the OJ Simpson trial. It's actually pretty detailed, going over what happened with the first arc of Uncanny X-Force and digging a little deeper into why Fantomex did what he did. There's actually a bit of commentary here if you're not too high to notice. Fantomex argued that he killed kid Apocalypse because the Akaba Clan had corrupted him. If he hadn't killed him, he would have become the tyrant that enjoys jerking off to images of mass genocide. But this was still a kid. He hadn't done any of that yet. His accusers argue that he was in no position to sentence this boy for shit that he could have done. It's an old legal issue. At what point does prevention clash with logistics? Both sides have a point, but only one side has the authority to determine whose guilty and since Fantomex acts like a dick when discussing his decision, it comes as no surprise when they hand down a guilty verdict. Maybe he should have hired Johnny Cochran.

While justice isn't being served, the rest of X-Force head off to find their missing friends. They use Gateway, a teleporting mutant from Age of Apocalypse, to lock down on Psylocke and Fantomex's signature with help from Ultimaton. It seems simple enough, but they end up running head first and balls out into that swarm of deranged sociopaths that Captain Britain showed Psylocke earlier. They take one step in and Deadpool gets his head chopped off...again. Another bloody X-Force battle ensues. All the while, Fantomex is about to get the kind of justice that's probably only reserved for gay Jewish men in Saudi Arabia. At some point Psylocke has to decide whether her brother's brand of bullshit is worth tolerating. It's something she'll have to decide in the next issue, but as someone who had to deal with siblings who thought they were superheroes by right I can say with confidence that Psylocke is screwed no matter what she chooses.

I always try to have sympathy for writers that have to follow up amazing arcs. Rick Remender is no exception. He put together one of the best X-men arcs in a decade with the Dark Angel Saga. No one should expect him to follow a story like that with something that's on the same level. If you do, then you're an asshole. This issue is not like the issues that made up the Dark Angel Saga. It's not even like the issues that led up to it. Uncanny X-men #20 is built as a shift in the conflict, but it maintains the strong coherence that Remender has set up. Using Fantomex's past douche-baggery and framing it as something that couldn't go unaddressed makes sense. The only problem is that it seems to be ill-timed.

At times, it felt like this issue should have happened before the Dark Angel Saga. That was before X-Force found out that Fantomex was cloning a new Apocalypse and trying to make him somewhat less of a genocidal tyrant. So it doesn't make as much sense to put him on trail now unless they're going to also try him for being a general tool all throughout the Dark Angel Saga. Unfortunately, there's no law against just being a douche-bag in comics.

Never-the-less, this setup does open the door for other compelling plots that also connect to the recent events surrounding the Dark Angel Saga. Wolverine and his X-Force crew learn first hand that AOA Nightcrawler is nothing like the Nightcrawler they know. He makes it clear that he's not in this world to dick around. He wants revenge. He doesn't care for God's love or forgiveness. That shit was the first thing that died in the Age of Apocalypse. In addition, the family dynamics between Psylocke and Captain Britain work well. What brother wouldn't be disturbed if he found out his sister had joined a kill squad and is falling in with the wrong people? Although in my experience, trying to get your sister to join your cause by kidnapping her is just begging for sustained testicular trauma.

Uncanny X-Force #20 is not a bad comic by any stretch. It still has Rick Remender's quality writing and organization. However, in the context of the Dark Angel Saga, it feels like a downgrade. If this issue was released before the events of the Dark Angel Saga, I probably would be inclined to give it a perfect score. But since no X-men comic exists in a vacuum anymore (except bullshit gimmicks like Xenogenesis), it's hard to ignore the circumstances. With this in mind, I give Uncanny X-Force #20 a 4 out of 5. It's still the above average, top grade X-book that X-men fans have come to know, love, and be painfully addicted to. It won't blow your mind like the Dark Angel Saga did, but it should leave you with a mild concussion at the very least. Nuff said!

Generation Hope #15 - Tense Awesome

2012-01-21T05:31:00.000-08:00

I don't claim to be completely level-headed in my reviews. I don't claim to be sober either. I understand that I have a number of pet peeves in comics that rub me in ways that you don't want an Asian transvestite masseuse to do while blindfolded. But despite these personal grudges, I try to be objective with every book I review. A little brutal honesty helps as well. When a book has minor flaws, I'm willing to take an extra shot of bourbon and overlook it. But when that flaw is major, an entire mountain of cocaine isn't enough to make me ignore it. Consider this a disclaimer of sorts because I've ranted on certain flaws in the X-books before. Some of you may be sick to death of them. To those people I would say you need to drink more. For everyone else, I ask that you keep this in mind as I review Generation Hope #15.

Generation Hope is a series that has had some wild variations. From Kieron Gillen to James Asmus, this book has been cock-bustingly awesome at times and ass-clenchingly horrible at others. In between there have been WTF moments on top of "Holy shit, this is so amazing that I need to inject this book into my veins!" This series is built around some pretty novel concepts that have helped give this book a truly unique feel. The events of Schism helped shape that feel into something even more compelling. James Asmus, taking over for Kieron Gillen, did a great job with his first arc. He had Jean-I mean Hope (you really expect me to still tell them apart?) and her realigned team of Lights venture to Pakistan where they rescued an amnesic Sebastian Shaw. They don't know the man's history or that Emma Frost basically lied to everyone about what he did to him in the Quarentine arc. So when they brought him back to Utopia, the reaction from Cyclops was as overblown as expected. It made Generation Hope #15 all the more intriguing so of course I had a number of pre-rolled joints made up for this issue.

It begins right where the previous book ended, making for the kind of perfect continuity that makes comic fans all warm and fuzzy inside. First, there's a backstory page for readers who don't know the kind of douche-bag that Sebastian Shaw is. Then when the next scene involves Cyclops blasting him and getting Psylocke and Danger to contain him, you don't feel too bad about it. This is, after all, the asshole that made Cyclops's wife go Dark Phoenix and trigger decades of frustration for Jean Grey fans. In that sense Shaw is lucky that Cyclops doesn't order that Shaw's testicles are ripped out through his eye sockets.

Jean Gr-I mean Hope (shit, this is hard) and her Lights are understandably confused and so is Shaw. If you'll recall, Shaw has no memory and the Lights are still new to the game. They don't know what a douche-bag Shaw has been. So Je-I mean Hope (almost had it!) storms off with Cyclops and Emma for a badly needed explanation, leaving the Lights to scratch their heads in frustration at what they just experienced. It can't be too uplifting. They go out of their way to save someone they thought was in trouble and they return only to find out they brought back someone that the X-men hoped was lying dead in a ditch. It leads to some pretty tense moments. Velocidad reminds his teammates that every time he uses his powers, he ages a bit. And when he uses them just to save some guy the X-men hate, that's kind of a big waste. It shows that the Lights may or may not be on board with the X-men's plan. The only one who seems content with this situation is Kenji and Martha Johannsen, who he gave a new body in the last issue. They're already coddling with the kind of creepy chemistry that makes for great anime porn. It may sound disturbing, but it has the kind of charm that will make you smile and throw up at the same time.

We go from one tense moment to one that should be a million times worse. Sebastian Shaw shouldn't be alive. He shouldn't even be on Utopia. It was Emma Frost who mind-wiped him and dumped him in the middle of nowhere. It was also Emma Frost who flat out lied to Cyclops in the Quarantine arc about what she was doing with this. This in and of itself wouldn't be too egregious. She's been known to lie before, but this came after the whole Confession bullshit during Utopia where they agreed to have no more secrets. Well here's a big fucking secret that is a serious threat to both Hope and their partnership with Namor, who is working under the assumption that Emma killed Shaw for him. But what does Cyclops do? He just says "All right." No really, that's it. That's all he fucking says when his big-breasted girlfriend tells him that she lied to him and went behind his back.

Here's where those pet peeves I mentioned earlier come in. I've always cried bullshit when Cyclops and Emma's relationship basically gets a free pass when this shit would have been overblown for any other couple. Emma Frost flat out lied to Cyclops after promising she wouldn't. This usually causes strain in a relationship, both fictional and in real life. But it doesn't amount to jack shit here. They just brush it off and go back to being a walking porno. And I say that's fucking bullshit. If this happened with Cyclops and Jean Grey, every writer at Marvel would use it as a way to fuck up their relationship. But Cyclops and Emma? A couple that has the depth of an episode of Two and a Half Men? Fuck no! There's having a double standard and then there's just being an arrogant dick about it. Guess which one Asmus and Marvel uses here? I'll give you a hint. Paris Hilton loves to suck it when a night-vision camera is rolling.

The potential for drama in Cyclops and Emma's relationship is completely forgotten so they can argue with Hope (happy now?). As far as she's concerned, they just rescued someone who had their mind wiped. Whoever he was before isn't who he is now. It's not an unreasonable assumption, if of course you're an arrogant teenage girl that doesn't know why she shouldn't trust creepy men that claim to have no memory. Cyclops tries to calmly explain to Hope that Shaw is an asshole, but despite that or perhaps because of it Hope says she trusts the man. She even calls Cyclops out for having a shitty standard because this guy boned his girlfriend. It's a real dick move and Emma Frosts responds by smacking her. It's by far the best thing Emma Frost did since getting a boob job. Given how much of a bitch Hope has become lately, she more than deserved it.

While the bullshit surrounding Cyclops, Emma, and Hope is unfolding, another almost equally shitty situation is arising with the Lights. They're still standing around confused at why everyone is so pissed that they brought Sebastian freakin' Shaw to their shores. Then out of nowhere and for no reason they're confronted by some Utopia residents that used to be part of the Mutant Liberation Front. They really don't think highly of the Lights and why should they? They're a bunch of teenagers who just got their powers and because of their connection to Hope Summers, they get all of Cyclops's attention. It's not totally unreasonable, but the fact they're doing this now is really fucked up timing. Too fucked up for it not to be contrived. Laurie doesn't help by being a bitch herself so in addition to contrived timing we get a contrive fight.

It's every bit as random as it sounds. A fight breaks out between the Lights and the MLF for no other reason than to throw some action into this book. To Asmus's credit, the fight is well-organized. It has some pretty nice moments like Kenji using that Akira knock-off form of his along with Martha to show the MLF what a Japanese school girl feels like in tentacle porn. It's not just punching, kicking, and shooting. It is what it is, a mindless spectacle that helps distract from the bullshit happening in another scene. Unfortunately, it isn't distracting enough.

When Emma senses this, she interrupts their little conversation that involves heavy bitch-slapping to inform Hope that her ability to manage others has more room for improvement than downtown Detroit. So how can she really hope to manage an asshole like Sebastian fucking Shaw? Well being the arrogant bitch that she is, Hope reminds Cyclops and her Lights that she has a very strong hold on them. This hold has been hinted at before, but Hope has never flexed it like this. Not only is it a dick move, it has a very Dark Phoenix feel to it. She essentially uses this hold to remind the Lights that she's the pimp and they're her hoes and if they fall out of line, she is well within her right to fuck with them.

This is one moment that is actually really compelling in this comic. To this point, the mysterious influence Hope has over her Lights really hasn't been explored. Moreover, it hasn't taken a dark turn like this yet. When it happens here, you can't help but wonder why this didn't happen sooner. Then again, the timing may be perfect. Hope is becoming more of a brat just in time for Avengers vs. X-men as it looms over the horizon. If she's this much an asshole by the time the Phoenix arrives, then the X-men and Avengers have that much more to fight about.

Hope's little demonstration ends up making her point. Her Lights tuck their tails between their legs and run off to ponder the collapse of their collective scrotum. In addition, Cyclops caves to her wishes. Most likely because he doesn't want to upset the "City in Arizona" as he calls it. He agrees to let Hope work with Sebastian Shaw. He makes sure she reads up on his history of being a dick beforehand, but given the arrogance Hope showed earlier I doubt that'll change her mind. In addition, she has other concerns within her own team. Apparently, they don't like this influence she has over them. Kenji, being the one who almost destroyed a whole fucking city in the first arc of this series, is especially pissed and makes it clear that he's more than a little inclined to fuck up in ways that will make Emma give him all her panties.

This issue had a lot of promise. After the end of the last issue, Generation Hope #15 had a chance to really impact the dynamics of other X-books like Uncanny X-men. Sadly, that promise was never fully realized. It's like a porn star that couldn't get the boob job she wanted. It's tragic and frustrating. It's not enough that this issue once again showed that Marvel is all too willing to gloss over glaring inconsistencies in the Cyclops/Emma relationship. But meaningless fights with characters that haven't so much as taken a minor shit in other comics just make too much of this issue feel like an excuse of sorts. Hope Summers and Emma Frost get a pass while Shaw suddenly becomes a major player for reasons that even a damaged teenage girl should understand are fucked up. This is the first X-men Regenesis book that has left me very disappointed and there's no reason it had to be this way.

I won't go so far as to say it's all terrible. James Asmus did utilize other elements in this issue that helped make up for some of the flaws (to a point). The new dynamic with Kenji and Martha was disturbingly charming. And seeing Emma Frost slap Hope Summers like the bratty bitch she's become was more than enough reason to justify purchasing this comic. Moreover, Hope's hold on her Lights as she demonstrated in a very Phoenix-ish sort of way added more hints as to what may be coming with Avengers vs. X-men. So this comic did contribute to the larger themes of the X-books that are developing in other titles. It's just unfortunate that it didn't do more with what it had to work with. It's like having a boner and no lube.

This issue wasn't the worst installment of Generation Hope to date. It certainly wasn't the best either. It has some elements that make it annoyingly asinine. It has others that make it undeniably appealing. The balance between the two is hard to really define. I can't really say that one makes up for the other. It's like one part is a shot of meth while the other is a shot of heroin. They each have the opposite effects, but it's balanced out in a way that leaves you confused and your brain pretty fucked up. So in light of this split I'm giving Generation Hope #15 a 2.5 out of 5. It could have been so awesome. Instead, the chocolate is mixed in with the shit to a point where it's hard to make sense of either. Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue 45: Hearts and Minds is LIVE!

2012-01-20T02:59:00.000-08:00

It's time to shake things up in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series and today a new issue will turn the corner on this unique Marvel universe. This website is nearing 17,000 hits and I'm very excited about where this fanfiction series is heading! Part of what has made the X-men compelling since their inception has been their involvement in social issues. It's not enough for them to just be superheroes. There are others like the Avengers and Spider-Man to carry out that role. The X-men have always stood for far more fundemental issues of being different as outcasts of society. My X-men Supreme special Issue 0: Revelation X showed when the X-men accepted this role in X-men Supreme. The first issue of X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope showed just how hostile the world has become to mutants. It's fueling not just tension on Genosha with Magneto. It's also fueling a presidential campaign for Senator Robert Kelly. That campaign takes center stage in this new issue of the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. Hope you enjoy it!

Issue 45: Hearts and Minds

The larger conflicts throughout the world of X-men Supreme will continue to expand. X-men has always involved a wide array of conflicts. They can be the more social aspect of mutants or far more elaborate threats that go beyond mutants. Rest assure, there will be many such threats as this series continues to unfold. For now, it's important that readers provide feedback for this and every other issue of X-men Supreme. Please post it in the comments section for each issue or contact me with your comments. Any feedback is welcome and I'm always happy to discuss the world of X-men. Until next time, take care and best wishes!

Jack

Uncanny X-men #5 - Synergetic Awesome

2012-01-19T02:24:00.000-08:00

Anyone who has ever had a job in a soul crushing office with a supervisor/asshole/tyrant that's underworked and overpaid has probably heard them give these bullshit speeches about synergy. Usually, it's just code for making people do more shit without getting paid as much and those that can't do said shit get fired. But enough about Goldman Sachs. This blog reviews comics. And in the world of comics, the concept of synergy actually has some merit. The idea that certain comics take what other related comics do and integrate them into the larger comic world makes for the kind of coherence that makes comics worth following. Sometimes writers and editors try to damn hard to make everything connected. It get so confusing at times that it's akin to watching Lost while on a bad LSD trip. Other times they don't even try. Shit just happens and it's never mentioned again. Both these extremes have a way of butt-fucking awesome comics before they can be awesome. There has to be a happy balance for this shit to work and it helps if the writer is actually competent.

Enter Kieron Gillen's Uncanny X-men. Gillen has already made it painfully apparent that he's a competent writer. He's shown the ability to both take over Uncanny X-men, end it after 544 issues, relaunch it, and make it pretty damn awesome in the process. That's like performing brain surgery, winning every gold metal in the Olympics, and banging Jessica Alba at once. But in terms of synergy, he tends to beat his own drum and lead his own parade. His first four issues established Cyclops's overpowered Extinction Team, setting them up as X-men that both save the world and make clear that mutants are not to be fucked with. But he hasn't really synergized the awesome in the new Uncanny with the other X-books yet. It's still early, but that doesn't mean he can't take a stab at it. It also helps when the events he chooses to synergize are just as awesome.

Enter Rick Remender's Uncanny X-Force. This book is the other Uncanny book that's been regularly assaulting the cerebellum of it's readers with regular awesome. It takes Wolverine's secret kill squad and has them duke it out against forces that just need killing. In the biggest story to date in that series, the Dark Angel Saga created some pretty big ass bangs. One of which was the entire fucking world that Arcangel created using the life seed, destroying an entire town in the process. This new world didn't just disappear David Copperfield style after the Dark Angel Saga. Shit like that is going to get noticed and when it's a whole fucking world, you need someone like the Extinction team to deal with it.

This is where Uncanny X-men #5 picks up. We get a brief recap of what happened with the Dark Angel Saga. If you haven't read this arc and you're a comic fan, take a moment to dip your head in a vat of acid before reading on. If not, this should give a good reminder. The facts are pretty basic. A town blew up. A giant 10-mile dome now surrounds the area. And some curious locals decided to pick up their shotguns and investigate. As one would expect of any redneck adventure, some disappear and need rescuing. That and a blow to the head with a piece of heavy mining equipment for being so fucking stupid.

A little authors note (which there really aren't enough of in comics these days), points out that this takes place after Uncanny X-men #14. As such, it's only appropriate that Psylocke be the one to bring it to their attention. And by bring it to their attention I mean she flat out lies about this thing having turned up too late for her to bring it to anyone's attention. It wasn't too late. She was there when this shit went down, but Uncanny X-Force is still a secret at this point. And since Emma Frost lost an arm in the last arc and is learning how to give left-handed happy endings, she's not there to call bullshit. So when Cyclops decides to send the Extinction team to investigate, he asks Psylocke to take her place. It's fitting not just because Psylocke is the one with the secret. It's fitting because she knows she's lying and has to go along with it to protect that lie. So either way, she's screwed and she still has an amnesic boyfriend.

Before the team leaves, Cyclops also sends a message to Captain America. When there's a nuclear sized explosion in bumfuck Montana of all places, the Avengers take notice. But Cyclops gets in touch with Cap to let him know that his Extinction team is taking care of this. Cap agrees, albeit reluctantly. It's another one of those little things that Gillen has done so well lately, covering angles that would be easier to just flat out ignore. In addition, it drops some hints of tension between the X-men and the Avengers. A prelude to Avengers vs. X-men? It damn well ought to be!

The Extinction team arrives and it's as fucked as a five-dollar whore at a Motley Crue concert. The creatures inside Tabula Rasa as Psylocke dubbed it don't take kindly to the curious humans wielding shotguns. Some of those creatures have wings and look like something that crawled out of Betty White's vagina. These are the creatures that evolved during the Dark Angel Saga when Arcangel decided to do evolution his way and kick start a new ecosystem. I guess these creatures answers the age old bar question of what happens when a mosquito fucks a seagull. Or maybe I just go to better bars.

With help from Danger, the team analyzes this hoard of creatures and makes a rather mundane yet helpful discovery. These creatures navigate by the stars and since time inside the dome is more skewed than sitting through midnight mass on Christmas Eve with your constipated grandfather, they're pretty fucked up. What's the solution to this shit? Block out the stars. That gives Storm yet another opportunity to demonstrate why she's the most awesomely elegant X-woman ever. As if she needed to reinforce her point, but more importantly it clears shit up so that the team can explore Tabula Rasa and find the dumb fucks who thought it would be fun to get lost inside.

Like Scooby Doo in a haunted house, the team splits up. They're setting themselves up to be extras in a slasher movie, but this is the extinction team. A killer in a hockey mask would be a vacation for them. They each branch off to teams. Magik sticks with her brother, who is essentially her pet since he took on the Juggernaut mantle. Hope goes with Namor, who she actually flirted with earlier in a way that would make a great episode of To Catch a Predator. Danger plays the role of air support while Magneto volunteers to go with Psylocke. With Rogue gone, that old plumbing of his needs a new hole to fill and since Betsy lost her boyfriend recently why not? I honestly can't fault the old man for picking the hot Asian chick that likes wearing thongs. It leaves Cyclops and Storm to cover the rest. They have a whole ecosystem to explore and Rick Remender didn't have a lot of time to explore it during the Dark Angel Saga so who knows what they'll find?

Not all of it is full of monsters, if you can believe that. I know nature is a scary place for the fanboys who don't know the world outside their parents basement, but it would be lazy writing to make Tabula Rasa this Pandora-like death trap. And Kieron Gillen shows once again that he's more motivated than the average stoner. He takes a moment to show Illyana and Colossus having a moment in a more scenic setting. To this point Illyana has been a bit of a bitch for putting her brother in a position to be the new Juggernaut with her playing Dog Whisperer to his destructive tendencies (minus the poop). But here she actually does remind her brother that if he doesn't want to end up being as big an asshole as Cain Marko, he needs to remember that he's still human and he needs to feel. So her way of doing this is putting her in a beautiful setting that triggers the stoner that first saw aluminum foil in all of us. It's so precious without being incestuous.

But that's the only rosy side to Tabula Rasa we'll see. The others run head first into Tabula Rasa's less picturesque side. It starts off innocent enough for Cyclops and Storm. They're just strolling along, admiring the fauna. Storm is even nice enough to remind Cyclops that Beast probably would have loved this place. By nice I mean utterly cruel because she knows Beast hates Cyclops's guts at the moment. However, it's worth reminding because him alienating Beast is a big part of what led to Schism. Storm is probably the only one who could get away with doing this and look so elegantly sexy in the process. But it has to be restated, especially if Cyclops is going to have to call on old friends in Avengers vs. X-men.

But if getting belittled by Storm wasn't bad enough, Cyclops stumbles into what at first looks like quick sand. He falls in, disappears, and is shat out three miles away from where he was. I wonder if this is some sort of metaphor for what he's become since he turned the X-men into this army of not to be fucked with. Or maybe it's a hint of what's to come with Avengers vs. X-men. Since I haven't smoked enough pot to make predictions, I'll leave it up to the reader to decide.

Not all of Tabula Rasa's secrets are deadly animals or mounts that poop out mutants though. Sure, Hope and Namor end up taking on a monstrous eel, but Magneto and Psylocke stumble onto something more fucked up if you can believe that. Before they find out, Magneto takes a few too many panels to remind Psylocke that he knows about Uncanny X-Force. There was actually an entire issue of Uncanny X-Force that showed Magneto taking advantage of this knowledge. He probably kills his chances at ever getting into Psylocke's panties by bringing up Angel and reminding her that she paid a high price to save him (again, for the love of Odin go read Dark Angel Saga). It's a conversation that drags a bit, but it has a purpose. It leads to Magneto pointing out that X-Force's activities may have left a few clues behind for Cyclops and the others to find. They end up walking right into one of those clues.

As it turns out 130 million years of evolution does produce some intelligent life of sorts. And that intelligent life took notice of the shit that happened in the Dark Angel Saga and documented it in their art. When these creatures see Magneto and Psylocke, they don't attack like so many of the other creatures in this world. They bow and worship them. It's definitely a perk, but it comes with a bit of a catch. The artwork they depicted of Arcangel and Fantomex is new. 130 million years is a long fucking time. Surely some crazy shit happened before then.

Psylocke begans scanning the minds of these creatures and sure enough, she makes a discovery that they missed during the course of the Dark Angel Saga. Before they started worshiping Arcangel and his Apocalyptic douche-baggery, there was another god that demanded they massage his divine ego. Except like all those other pansy ass gods of the ancients, this one had a metal suit and a big ass gun. It was basically War Machine if War Machine wasn't such a pussy. This being apparently didn't take kindly to getting usurped by the likes of Arcangel. So when Magneto and Psylocke show up, it's ready to start collecting prayers. And by prayers, I mean asses. Hopefully, Psylocke's ass gets priority because most gods seem obsessed with woman's asses on some level. I figure it's only a matter of time before this wannabe god demands that Psylocke either be his bride or be subordinate to man. I think the feminist crowd knows how she'll handle that kind of unholy bullshit.

Gods, god machines, dark secrets, and synergy. It sounds like the kind of thing Michael Bay dreams about when he's taken one too many shrooms, but that's what Uncanny X-men #5 delivers. It takes the ashes from the Dark Angel Saga and uses them to reignite a new story that's awesome enough to cook bacon with. Kieron Gillen and pretty much every other writer at Marvel didn't need to deal with the remnants of the Dark Angel Saga. They probably could have just ignored it and fans wouldn't have given half an ounce of squirrel shit. But they didn't. Gillen actually made an effort to connect elements from one story and build something else from it. And so far he's done a damn good job.

There's a lot of setup and backstory squeezed in. A number of scenes in this issue act only as extended reminders of shit that happened in the Dark Angel Saga or in other parts of Uncanny X-Force. The breakdown at the beginning of the issue was probably enough, but it kept getting revisited and that made the comic drag at times. Yet it didn't get in the way of the action and it established some new twists on what Remender began in his arc. It opens the door for some potentially volatile revelations or even more secrets if and when X-Force comes to light. Whatever the case, Kieron Gillen has established another large-scale threat that only the Extinction Team is equipped to handle. He could have done without Hope flirting with Namor, but he did more than his part to honor the high-caliber awesome that Rick Remender established.

Kieron Gillen has definitely done plenty to establish this series as his own. He's given it his own unique touch and it's by far the best thing to happen to Uncanny X-men since Emma Frost's cleavage. This new arc deals with the kind of fragile conflicts that go beyond simply finding the bad guy and beating the shit out of him. There's potential for a much more complex kind of awesome. It's the kind of story that Gillen has done so well to this point and if you've come to love his work on any level, you shouldn't have much to bitch about with this issue. I give Uncanny X-men #5 a 4.5 out of 5. So the next time your boss starts droning on about this synergy bullshit, just throw Uncanny X-men #5 in his face and say "This is how it's done, asshole!" It may get you fired, but you'll prove your point. Nuff said!

CBR X-POSITION: Kieron Gillen - My Questions and Uncanny Hints

2012-01-18T09:42:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a while since I've mentioned CBR's weekly X-POSITION column. I imagine the fine folks at Comic Book Resources are having just as tough a time working off the holiday eggnog as I am. It was only yesterday that I could shit without evoking several deities for strength. But 2011 is over. 2012 is in full swing and while we're not obsessing over the Maya Doomsday Prophecy, we'll have plenty of awesome comics to read. The big story that's going to have everybody's dick hard enough to club baby seals with is definitely Avengers vs. X-men. Marvel has already been releasing teaser after teaser for this thing. I get it. It's going to be big, insane, and involve the Phoenix Force. I don't need to be reminded that I'm going to buy it.

It also helps that the current X-books have been pretty damn awesome without having to beat the shit out of the Avengers. Uncanny X-men is one of those gems. Ever since Kieron Gillen took over, the series has reached new heights of awesome that would leave weaker fanboys lightheaded and with a nasty case of vertigo. His first arc introduced Sinister and the Celestials to Cyclops's new Extinction Team, while blowing Emma Frost's arm off in the process. He followed that up with a one-shot issue about the Phalanx that was awesome in a way that didn't need a big ass event to leave an impact. The man is definitely firing on all cylinders so CBR has every reason to give him an X-POSITION.

CBR: X-POSITION - Kieron Gillen

As usual, I make sure I'm sober enough to ask a few questions. Between Avengers vs. X-men and the recent events in Uncanny, I have more than my share. And being the generous folk they are, CBR and Kieron Gillen were nice enough to answer a few.

MarvelMaster616 would probably like the previous answer, but he'd also like to hear about motivations...

1) First off, great job on "Uncanny X-Men" #4. It was a deep, heartfelt issue that also connected with Sinister's plans. Can you talk a bit about what he's doing and why he may be doing it?

Thank you. Regarding what Sinister is up to -- the main theme of him previously has been the Pokemon-catching-them-all-esque-ness of gene hunting. He basically is someone who viewed the world as lab material. By showing him get his hive mind from the Phalanx I make it clear that he viewed everything -- not just mutants -- like this. It's just how he rolls. He sees the world as a Petri dish, a butcher's window or a dissection table. He's perhaps the most entitled man in the Marvel Universe.

What's he doing now? Well, the clues are there to speculate what he's doing now. He's talked about upping his game to match the X-Men's new Extinction team. It's clear that he has a specific interest in Hope -- and having him be the person to finally drop the "P" word at her is probably problematic. And... oh, that's all you're getting. Except that you'll get more in Uncanny's "AvX" issues.

As I said earlier, Sinister's a schemer. Part of my first arc was both tying off his previous schemes and giving an answer... and then starting another one. It wouldn't be a Sinister plot if you weren't wondering "What is he up to?" for half of it.

2) It's been argued on message boards that Cyclops has become a lot like Magneto. His Extinction team evokes both fear and respect for mutants. How close would you say Cyclops is to being like Magneto? At what point would you say the similarities become too egregious?

I think his current position is that he's willing to pretend to be more like Magneto to get what he wants -- which is no one to fight and kill each other. It's a specific tactic for a specific situation for a specific timeframe. From Cyclops' position, it's a case of keeping mutants alive until Hope does whatever Messiah-y things she's born to do -- if embracing the fact they are feared is a short-term compromise he thinks is the best solution. Cyclops is synthesizing various philosophies. There may be more Magneto in there than previous, but it's not the dominant strand by any means.

And to state the obvious: Magneto never formed a super-team to protect the world.

3) I'm sure you've been keeping up with James Asmus' "Generation Hope." In a recent issue, Hope and the Lights "rescued" Sebastian Shaw and brought him back to Utopia. Cyclops certainly wasn't happy about this. Can you clarify when this takes place in the timeline with Uncanny X-Men? How will it affect events and character relationships?

I think you should wait until that story's over to really discuss those kind of elements. Until James has resolved stuff, I fear I'll step on his story.

4) While on the same subject, Emma kept Shaw a secret from Cyclops despite their promise in "X-Men: The Confession" to have no more secrets. Now that she seems to have gone back on this promise, how will that affect her relationship with Cyclops?

Once again, I'll nod at the previous answer. But, yes, this is clearly a tricky one. And there's things shaking up Scott and Emma's relationships soon enough over in 'Uncanny' anyway.

Many X-men writers handle these columns differently. I'm not convinced that some don't answer these questions sober. But Kieron Gillen always displays class in interviews. It's refreshing to know that a writer of a big time comic takes his shit seriously. I know that may not sound like much, but it goes a long way in ensuring that comics stay awesome.

His explanation about Cyclops being too Magneto-like actually adds some needed context because a lot of people on message boards have been bitching lately that he's become too much of a dictator. The sad part is they're not entirely wrong in their bitching. He certainly has taken on the mold of a Magneto type character with his willingness to make humanity shit themselves whenever they walk down the street. But there is purpose behind it. There are circumstances involved and like anyone whose memory has been bombed by booze and weed, those circumstances are easy to forget.

But on more pressing issues, I'm glad someone finally mantioned the P-word in the comics. Normally the P-word to me is an impromtu prostate exam. But Phoenix is just as bad on some levels (but not all if you know my doctor). It makes sense that someone as twisted as Sinister would bring it up and he seems to be preparing for it. Gillen has given Sinister some added charm to his already twisted persona and now that he's his own army, that's something that even the Extinction team should have problems with. If that little girl with red hair, green eyes, and a fiery disposition that isn't Jean Grey gets too moody, that'll only make it worse.

And I know I frequently rant about Marvel's apparant unwillingness to do anything with the Cyclops/Emma relationship, but I feel a strange sense of hope when Gillen says that it will be addressed soon enough. I hope he does more with it than Matt Fraction, who only used conflict to get these two in bed. It was less a relationship and more an extended episode of Two and a Half Men (the pre-Kutcher saga). Gillen has already shown a willingness to dig deeper with the characters than most writers who have graced the pages of Uncanny. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt in handling the ever frustrating relatinship issues of Cyclops and Emma Frost.

Overall, Gillen has done more than enough to earn the confidence of every Uncanny X-men fan that ever lived. Sure, it's a book that set the bar impossibly high with talent like Chris Claremont. But that doesn't mean guys like Gillen can't still kick ass with it and after just four issues into the relaunch, my ass is as tender as an overmarinated flank steak. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #260.1 - A New Legacy of Awesome

2012-01-15T07:09:00.000-08:00

I tend to catch my share of flack for my drunken rantings on this blog. Sometimes it help that I'm too drunk to even remember the shit I wrote at times. My review for X-men Legacy #260 wasn't one of those reviews. I admit it was a bittersweet and disappointing moment in my history of drunken rants. I was genuinely dismayed at how Mike Carey chose to end his run on X-men Legacy, a book that he spent years turning into one of the most consistently awesome X-books on the racks. Between a seemingly needless plot with a needless character revival and needless scenes that show Magneto and Rogue swapping body fluids, there was too much for even my robust liver to process. But that doesn't mean I've given up on X-men Legacy and that doesn't mean my view on these characters is tainted, although the same can't be said for Rogue's pussy anymore.

The final issue of X-men Legacy (after the bullshit plot with Ariel was over), showed Rogue and most of her Legacy crew heading to Westchester to help Wolverine build the Jean Grey Institute for Higher Learning. It ended one era of X-men comics and entered another. So to set the stage for what this new era will entail, X-men Legacy released another one of Marvel's .1 issues under a new writer, Christos Gage. Aside from reminding me that I suck at math, this book also reminds readers that Mike Carey is gone. His legacy has been established and now it's Gage's turn to build on it. Despite the last issue, he has a daunting challenge ahead of him. He's like Peyton Manning's backup, sheltered behind a star and given very little chance. But Gage can still show that he's more Aaron Rogers than Curtis Painter. To do that, he'll have to show how the Legacy crew functions at the Jean Grey Institute and make it awesome.

He begins X-men Legacy #260.1 with the basics. Those football metaphors weren't just because I get extra drunk for the NFL playoffs every year. It was actually a prelude. Gage's first act for the legacy crew is for them to play a friendly game of mutant football on the grounds of the newly constructed institute. I never like to get too excited by just one panel, but I'm already liking the way Gage is thinking. It's what you would expect of a game of football if someone gave the Oakland Raiders steroids. It's full of superpowers, trash talk, and Rockslide gets obliterated worse than Joe Theisman's leg. Sure, he heals, but it's a nice light-hearted moment for the Legacy crew. Definitely a step up from Rogue boning Magneto.

The game ends in a way that was only slightly less exciting than the way the Broncos/Steelers Wild Card game ended where Tim Tebow cost me fifty bucks. Rockslide gets obliterated while Rogue shows off the control she has of her powers by not only pulling his sorry ass together, but making him more badass. It doesn't go unnoticed by Gambit, who has had a boner for her since Clinton was getting head from Monica. But this demonstration of control has a much larger message that Gambit and Frenzy realize. Rogue is moving forward with her newfound control and Gambit really is the same douche-bag he was back on Utopia, constantly looking for ways to bone her. Frenzy points this out to him, who still has wet panties for Cyclops. But neither are in a position to really bust each others balls so they agree to leave it in the past. They probably should have also agreed to check out a mysterious portal that opened not far from where Rockslide got the Ray Lewis treatment, but boners and wet panties come first I suppose.

That portal quickly turns into yet another crisis for the Jean Grey Institute. Fresh off the attack by Karoka, a sudden invasion of demons from another realm seems less daunting. Now some may be asking where the fuck these demons came from and how can they not be contrived? Well they actually serve a purpose here. While the Legacy crew and some of the Wolverine and the X-men crew get ready for battle, Beast actually uses this as an opportunity to lecture younger mutants on the finer points of demons. He assures everyone and the execs at Marvel that they're not ripoffs of the Alien movies. They're the N'garai, who hang out with the elder god, Cthon. I slept through my class on Marvel universe mythology so I won't begin to get into that, but makes this compelling is that Beast uses this lecture to essentially narrate what the X-men are up against. This way the reader doesn't have to sour wikipedia or get high to make their own conclusions. It's still a cliched demon invasion, but at least Christos Gage tries to make it feel logical.

And as true logic dictates, when demons come knocking on your door you treat them the same way you would treat a Jehovah's Witness. You fight back and if necessary, beat the everloving shit out of them. Like in previous Legacy books, Rogue leads the charge with Frenzy, Gambit, and Rachel Grey providing support. Even other non Legacy members like Iceman and Cannonball get involved, which helps make this book really feel like it's part of Team Wolverine now. In the background, Beast keeps lecturing as to how these creatures were sealed before and how they got out. It amounts to magic being an inexact (and horribly inefficient) science.

What really makes a .1 issue stand out in addition to reminding readers that math sucks is that it's organized as a much more coherent, self-contained story. Beast's lecture along with the battle between the Legacy crew and the N'garai help give this book the coherent feel that's so important to these titles. They could easily cut that shit out and make this just another issue of X-men Legacy. But then we wouldn't find out that all those little demons that the Legacy crew were slaying were the equivalent of worker ants. If you kill enough of them, the queen is going to take notice and as nature dictates the queen (or Mabdhara as Beast describes it) is always bigger and meaner than any of the other creatures. Except this one actually talks and threatens to use the bodies of the X-men to make the portal into her realm wider, presumably so she can move more of her shit into their domain. Sounds a lot like my ex-girlfriend, but not quite as cruel.

The battle quickly turns against the Legacy crew. The Mabdhara, also like my ex-girlfriend, is much meaner and more aggressive than her warrior drones. She quickly surrounds the Legacy crew and begins to overwhelm them. Then in true Legacy fashion, Rogue takes charge and comes up with a plan. She leaves the others to hold their own for a while, which sounds like a dick move until you find out what she's doing. First, she gets Cannonball's volatile sister, Paige, to take care of the demons that snuck past the X-men. Then she borrows powers from a couple of students. She doesn't even make them feel woozy either like she used to. She just reassures them that all the loud banging noises are nothing to be worried about. That's what my landlord told me about the neighbors/S&M club in my old apartment building. You know it's bullshit, but you just learn to accept it.

Armed with these new powers, Rogue storms out like an elemental titan. She has the size and grandeur of Kaorka, who joined the institute at the end of the first arc of Wolverine and the X-men. She also has Idie's powers. So the Mabdhara and her N'garai thugs really don't stand a chance. Rogue looks as badass as you would expect in an X-men Legacy book, stomping out the demon hoards in the same way 11th grade English class stomps out a student's will to live. Gambit, Frenzy, and the others get a few shots in, but it's Rogue who sends the demons packing. They eventually realize that they stand no chance and tuck whatever qualifies as their dicks between their legs and runs off.

It's a visually stunning way to end a fight that was nicely drawn out and perfectly orchestrated. These were all marks of Mike Carey's run and Christos Gage continues that theme nicely. Moreover, he continues the progress that Rogue made throughout Carey's run. Before Carey, Rogue really couldn't control her powers and she didn't have much authority with the X-men. This scene sends a clear message. Rogue not only has control. She has the credibility and respect of the other X-men. She's seen as a leader, a role that Cyclops took from her after Second Coming. It not only builds on what Mike Carey established, but it takes it to a new level under Gage.

The demons are gone and the inevitable clean-up begins. We're left to assume that the Jean Grey Institute either has significant emergency funds or the most understanding insurance company in the history of the universe. But while they're cleaning, Rogue and Gambit have a chat. But it's not the kind of chat you would expect from two characters that have been undressing each other with their eyes for nearly two decades. She just reminds Gambit that she has more control over herself than she did before, which probably means she's not going to be letting him in her panties anytime soon. Gambit really doesn't push either. It seems pretty pointless in some ways because most X-men readers know of their history. It seems utterly lost on them. It just reinforces what Rogue's huge display of power already made apparent. She's determined to protect the kids of the school from the kind of bullshit that fucked her up for years. It's a nice way of setting up the theme for X-men Legacy, but utterly ignores the underlying drama between these characters.

Not content to deal with old drama, Gage throws in a twist at the end to set up a new kind of drama. Since Rogue doesn't seem keen on inviting Gambit for a post-victory fuck, he meets up with Frenzy. It's understandable too since they're both struggling with dramas that involve love interests that won't fuck them. Gambit reflects on how Rogue doesn't depend on anybody anymore, therefore making her less inclined to sleep with him. Frenzy still belittles him, but that doesn't stop them from sharing a nice kiss at the end. It sounds random, but given all the sexual frustration these two endure it's amazing they haven't humped the first thing with a pulse.

I'm not against Gambit/Frenzy becoming a new couple. Let's face it, it's nowhere near as fucked up as some of the other pairings Marvel has thrown together over the years. This is one I'm sure some fans won't mind jerking off to, but others might be a bit put off by how Gambit and Rogue just seem completely uninterested in one another. Granted, Gambit's still probably emasculated after Rogue boned Magneto, but his relationship with her has never been overtly addressed. It feels like this relationship is being set up before the details surrounding Gambit and Rogue are filled in. Seeing as how Gambit/Rogue has some pretty rabid fans out there, I imagine this is going to piss them off worse than Tim Tebow pisses off atheists.

Whenever a comic goes through a transitional period, it's expected to be a little rough at times. It's not unlike taking a really big shit after having binged on tacos after getting drunk at two in the morning. It's a painful, yet necessary part of the process of life. The transition from Mike Carey to Christos Gage wasn't quite as messy. At times it was hard to notice a real change since so many of Mike Carey's stories are so deeply entrenched. But Gage definitely established a different tone. Now it's really not clear if this is just because the team is now at the Jean Grey Institute, in which case it wouldn't have mattered if Mike Carey stayed. But this issue really came off as Gage's attempt to show that he could write an X-men comic. At times it seems like he tries too hard, but he still succeeds.

Gage was very basic here. He had the Legacy crew interacting with a number of other Team Wolverine characters and each other. Not a whole lot was revealed from this. Rogue is still an aspiring leader and visionary, but her interactions with the others really didn't show much drama. She still looked pretty badass with how she used her powers, which she did daily in Carey's run so it's nice to see that Gage has kept that tradition. The final scene with Frenzy and Gambit seemed only somewhat random, but it didn't feel nearly as contrived as it could have been. Gambit and Rogue haven't been shown as being into each other since George W. Bush was still president. It's long overdue that something else come along and establish a new sense of drama.

Overall, this was a solid first issue for Gage. It had everything one could want in an X-men Legacy comic. It does a great job of taking the tone established by Jason Aaron in Wolverine and the X-men and integrating it into the style of storytelling of X-men Legacy. It's definitely a transition book and these books are always difficult to grade. Like my old algebra class, you have to use a curve or else you'll just skew the results. So with that in mind I'm giving X-men Legacy #260.1 a 4 out of 5. Part of me wants it to be lower. Part of me wants it a bit higher. But Gage really didn't make too many egregious mistakes here and he did utilize some compelling plots. So for that, I'll leave this score as tentative. Whether or not it sticks depends on how future issues are developed. For now, this is a solid X-men Legacy title. I'm sure I'll still catch shit for my assessment of this and previous X-men Legacy issues. That only means I have more excuses to get drunk. Thanks haters! Nuff said.

Wolverine and the X-men #4 - A Typical Day of Awesome

2012-01-14T05:06:00.000-08:00

A typical day of school is like a traditional bout of diarrhea. No matter how much you may be used to it, you still despise the experience and you're left with a burning asshole at the end of it. Or maybe that's just what I get for coming to school drunk and stumbling into the girl's bathroom. So when a comic book comes along with the central premise of young misfit kids going to school, it has about as much appeal as sticking one's penis in a toaster while drunk (I can't be the only one). However, this isn't just any comic book. This is Wolverine and the X-men by Jason Aaron, one of the best things Marvel has invented since Emma Frost's tits. This may be the best and only chance that a day of school doesn't come off as painful as untreated rectal cancer.

Wolverine and the X-men has not only established itself as one of Marvel's best new titles. It's established itself as an X-book with a very different feel from the always dire and constant extinction threats so typical of X-books. The first arc introduced the Jean Grey Institute for Higher Learning and told a fun story about young mutants adjusting to a new school and homicidal kids trying to destroy that school with a living island. For once, I don't even have to make a joke about that or use a lame metaphor. That's actually what happened and you know what? It was pretty fucking awesome. It wasn't just a good story. It was fun, light-hearted, and hopeful. It actually made readers have faith in the future. In this day and age, that's a pretty novel concept. There are enough comics on the market that require a Prozac prescription to enjoy. It's refreshing to have a book that makes you smile without having to use the pages to roll a joint.

Wolverine and the X-men #4 continues the early growing pains of the Jean Grey Institute. The school was just attacked, damaged, and repaired. The students were likely scarred for life, but no worse than they would be if they went to a public school in Baltimore. It begins with Wolverine doing some narrations that describe how fucked up his job is. By day he's a mild mannered school headmaster. By night he's a ruthless killer with a drinking problem. It's like Superman if he was a crackhead. But some of those activities involve his work with X-Force and as was demonstrated by the end of the Dark Angel Saga (a saga you should have read and jerked off to several times by now) his night life is now affecting his day job. His staff are all understandably restless, but Wolverine isn't done making them wish they had dropped out.

Once again, X-men Regenesis has helped some books mesh with others. It's the kind of coherence you don't usually get even while sober. But it's like the hot sauce of comics. It makes everything taste better. Remember those activities I mentioned with Wolverine and X-Force? Well one of them led to a young, pre-tyrant Apocalypse. Only now he calls himself Genesis. Rather than surround Genesis with the gritty world of secret mutant kill squads, Wolverine decides to enroll him in school. I honestly think he's better off with the kill squads because pretty much everyone seems to notice how he looks. Not many have lips like his that look like someone shot Stephen Tyler with bee venom and got him stoned. Needless to say, the others aren't too welcoming and that's probably not a good thing for an aspiring tyrant.

But Genesis isn't the only relic from Wolverine's late-night debacles with X-Force. At the end of the Dark Angel Saga, Warren emerged completely changed. He wasn't Arcangel anymore, but he wasn't Warren Worthington III either. He's completely amnesic and has no memory of who he was. So he looks in the mirror, sees that he has wings, and makes the perfectly logical conclusion that he's a real angel. I personally would have assumed that I just took a bad hit of LSD, but I guess angel works just as well. It's not enough to just look the part for him either. He has to act the part as well. So he flies off and finds a father and two kids who just went through the traumatic experience of burying a pet dog. Warren digs him up and offers to bring him back. Not only are the kids not very enthusiastic about this, but I'm pretty sure they'll need therapy for the rest of their natural lives.

But these are just the regular antics of new students in a new school. My old school didn't have angels and teenage tyrants, but if an angel or a kid that looked like Genesis showed up it wouldn't gain nearly as much attention as what the seniors did to the incoming freshmen, which usually involved crazy glue and thumb tacks. For this new school, Jason Aaron takes some time off from making shit blow up and homicidal kids and actually depicts a lecture with the students at the Jean Grey Institute. He even brings in yet another relic of Uncanny X-Force in Deathlok. He's only about as intimidating as my 10th-grade algebra teacher and he gives the students a lecture about the future. Since the X-men deal with the future (sometimes literally) on a regular basis, it's not an unreasonable thing to educate the kids about.

This may not be as exciting as seeing the X-men take on an army of Frankenstein monsters or a living island like they did in the first arc, but it has some real relevance here. It offers insight into what life is like in the Jean Grey Institute. Now the shallow douche-bags of comic fandom may thumb their nose at that, but stuff like this helps add depth to the X-men because it shows just what they're doing on a non-heroic basis to make the world better. I agree. Fighting monsters is more exciting, but it helps when there's reason behind why they need to kick the asses of said monsters. Deathlok goes through the class and tells them the odds of them going one path or the other. It gets to the heart of what Wolverine wanted for this school, which was means for mutants to be themselves and not listen to aspire to be Cyclops's bitch.

It's not without drama though. It's worth noting that not everyone seems to know of all the shit that went down during the Dark Angel Saga. Iceman, who established himself as one of Wolverine's most trusted X-men, is among them. He's also one of Warren's oldest friends. So when he finds out that Warren flew off to mentally scar a family, he gets understandably upset. He doesn't offer to pay the therapist bills for the kids, but he does get Warren away from them and finds out that Warren has no idea who he is or who the X-men are. For any number of reasons, this upsets him because it shows that despite being one of the Original Five he hasn't exactly been kept in the loop. Now he probably regrets wasting time on snowmen and internet porn.

It's not the only dramatic moment in the issue. While Deathlok is revealing the potential futures for some students, he hesitates to predict the future for Genesis. When he's confronted, we get a brief flash-forward of a potential future that involves Deathlok being burnt to a crisp and Idie being a mature, very boneable leader. That future also shows that going to school didn't stop Genesis from becoming the Apocalypse that gets a boner every time someone inflicts mass genocide.

This is somewhat of an odd scene because it's not entirely clear if this is a real Days of Futures Past type future or just something Deathlok is conjuring. It may certainly rub some readers the wrong way to see Kid Omega and Idie coddling under Genesis's wrath. It doesn't help that Kid Omega seems to have the emblem of the Phoenix Force on his costume, this before the events of Avengers vs. X-men are resolved. Given all the alternate futures in Marvel, this just seems excessive and cliched. However, it does send a message. Genesis still has the potential to be dangerous and school won't exactly help. Again, a kill squad sounds like a viable alternative here.

In many ways, Genesis's potential future and Warren's new state are a microcosm of what the Jean Grey Institute is facing. Not everybody is okay with it. Iceman confronts Wolverine about it and makes his anger about Warren painfully apparent. He doesn't seem to care that Wolverine was keeping X-Force alive. He only cares that doing so seemed to have mind-fucked his friend. Wolverine doesn't mince words. He explains both in words and in narration that the school is about hope and nourishing vulnerable minds before they become genocidal tyrants. He reveals that Warren has been enrolled in the school. Never mind that Warren has to be older than the rest of the student body. Hell, he was banging Psylocke in Uncanny X-Force and it's really not clear if Psylocke is like those teachers that can't help but bone their students. It's almost as if Warren was de-aged. Jason Aaron doesn't offer any explanation to this and it would be nice if he did, but the point of this conclusion is to show what the Jean Grey Institute represents and in that respect he succeeds. And wouldn't you know it? He does it without blowing shit up.

Once Wolverine is done with his little monologue, everything ends on a fairly upbeat note. But Jason Aaron just seems more impatient than a crackhead in withdraw and offers a preview into the next storyline. It starts with Kitty Pryde being sick and throwing up during class. Usually that's just the result of someone who couldn't sleep off a hangover, but this is something more serious. When Kitty stumbles into the bathroom, she makes a shocking discovery. Apparently, she didn't have a note on her panties that said "don't be a fool, wrap your tool." She also appears to have miracle grow in her uterus because she's pregnant. I now leave the readers for a moment of silence to mourn the eventual destruction of Kitty's snatch.

So an ending full of hope turns into a scene from Species. Now someone getting pregnant in school is nothing new. We live in a country where 15-year-olds get knocked up in locker rooms all the time. What makes Wolverine and the X-men an awesome book is how it presents these issues. It's not done in a dire, world-ending sort of manner. There's conflict, but there's hope. There are assholes, but there is heart. Wolverine and Deathlok both come off as assholes in this issue at times, but it's always balanced with a genuine desire to make this school work. That's the main theme of this issue. It shows the day-to-day bullshit that the X-men have to deal with in order to function. It takes time from islands that want to devour schools and shows just how this new school functions. It also sets up a pretty fucked up story after and one that is sure to require the world's greatest gynecologist when all is said and done.

The only area that may turn some readers off is the tone of the issue. It's organized like one big setup. Some may not appreciate that Jason Aaron is trying to slow down here and show how the Jean Grey Institute functions on a logistical level. Some just like it when shit blows up. They may or may not be future NASCAR fans, but they may have a point on some levels. This issue mostly set up plots for the future. It established Genesis as a new character with an uncertain status. It established Warren as someone whose mind has been fried, frozen, and reheated. It also established that Kitty Pryde may or may have some kinky tastes that would make great Japanese anime porn. But it didn't do much with any of this. And some may not like the tone of Deathlok's vision of the future. In the end this issue is like an extended trailer for an action movie, but without shitty 80s rock music in the background.

I can't fault Jason Aaron for easing into the next arc. Kieron Gillen did the same thing with Uncanny X-men, although one could argue that he did it in a better way. This issue does a great job of exploring the less obvious aspects of the Jean Grey Institute. Aaron's style is as engaging, enjoyable, and fun as ever. It just lacks the same impact that Kieron Gillen gave Uncanny X-men #4. That's not a criticism. Not everyone can raise the bar, less the air grow too thin and everyone suffocates. Wolverine and the X-men #4 is a worthy and entertaining addition to this amazing series. That's why I give it a 4.5 out of 5. It's almost awesome enough to ease the childhood trauma of my own school experience. Almost being the operative word. Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue 45: Hearts and Minds PREVIEW and Art Update

2012-01-13T03:03:00.000-08:00

The first issue of X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope was a resounding success. Thank you everyone for your support and generous feedback! The first issue is always the hardest in a new volume. This fanfiction series continues to move forward, following many of the same themes as was demonstrated in Issue 44: Discrimination. The X-men have always been linked to social issues like discrimination and prejudice. I'll be expanding on this in the next issue and throughout X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope. I don't just want to tell stories about the X-men as superheroes. I want to show how they can be a real social force. So with that in mind, I've prepared an extended preview of what you can expect.

“Have you picked up any scents, Wolverine?” asked Storm.

“Down here, it’s pretty damn hard not too,” he snarled, “I’m guessin’ we’re under some burger joints and they just had a special.”

“Please Herr Logan! Do not go into detail!” said Nightcrawler, clutching his abdominal, “I don’t zhink my stomach can take it!”

“Relax Elf, that ain’t all I smell,” said the feral mutant as he came up to a T-junction in the pipes, “Someone else walked through this same pipe. Whoever they were they got that unforgettable Morlock aroma!”

“How many are there? Can you tell?” asked Cyclops.

Logan moved ahead further, sniffing the air more thoroughly as he did.

“I ain’t sure, but there’s more than a few,” he said, “A few are familiar. But there’s one other that smells…different.”

“Different how?” asked Gambit anxiously, “Different ‘round us ain’t ever a good thing.”

“Just because I smell them doesn’t mean I know their life story, bub!” said Wolverine in annoyance, “But I know the nose never lies! Something stinks here and it ain’t the freakin’ sewage!”

“Then let’s find it before we have to learn the hard way,” urged Storm, holding the feral mutant back from further outbursts, “Here, I’ll get the air moving. It should help you follow the trail.”

“Thanks darlin’. Just go easy on the gale force winds. We don’t want our mystery guest giving us the slip before we ‘introduce’ ourselves,” said Wolverine menacingly.

“I’ll be careful,” she assured him.

That was good enough for Wolverine. He let Storm kick up some wind to get the scent trail moving. With the others lighting the way with flashlights, the two of them took lead and led them through the maze of pipes. Storm looked a lot calmer than she did last time they were in the sewers. Her claustrophobia seemed to do better in the more open spaces of the Philadelphia sewers. Sticking close to Wolverine also seemed to help for whatever reason. A few even took notice.

“Is it just Remy or do Stormy and Wolverine seem a little…closer,” said Gambit under his breath.

“Yeah, Ah noticed that too,” said Rogue silently, “You think they shacked up or something?”

“Don’t know. Stormy ain’t said nothing and she usually tells Remy about these things,” he said.

“Doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened.”

“Or they just be beating around the bush,” said Gambit as he carefully observed them, “Either way, Remy ain’t sure he likes it. I can’t imagine see a femme like Stormy going for a guy like Wolverine.”

“You’re one to talk, Cajun. She went for you, didn’t she?” quipped Rogue.

“That be different. Remy ain’t Logan. Only Logan be Logan. Take a homme like that and a femme like Storm and put them together, what do you get? Remy don’t know, but Remy ain’t sure.”

Rogue pondered that for a moment. She didn’t know Storm nearly as well as Gambit. To her she was the caring yet demanding teacher that always reached out to her students. The idea of her with someone like Wolverine did seem a bit out of place, considering the personalities of the other men she dated. She could say the same for Wolverine. She could see why he dated Jean, who was more outgoing and playful. Storm seemed too serious for him. But then again, stranger things had happened in the team.

“Ah don’t know either,” said Rogue, “What do you think, Kurt?”

“I’ll give you my input vhen my insides stops churning,” groaned Nightcrawler, “Can ve just get on vith zhis so ve can get out of here?”

“Seriously, homme, you gotta watch that diet of yours,” snickered Gambit.

Nightcrawler gave the Cajun a bemused look. He was not in the mood to argue anything having to do with food or ongoing dramas between their instructors. His only inclination was to find these rogue Morlocks and get out of here.

“Keep up you guys!” Cyclops called out from just up ahead as Wolverine and Storm started moving faster, “It looks like we’re closing in on something.”

“Finally! My stomach is grateful,” said an anxious Nightcrawler.

Wolverine was really onto something now. He was moving with that intensity he always got whenever he picked up on strong scent. That meant it had to be close. The team set aside their revulsion of being in a sewer and prepared themselves to strike the moment something came up. Professor Xavier had been adamant. They were to stop whatever this rogue Morlock planned before it caused a major scene.

They followed Logan towards a more open part of the sewer, most likely an area below an intersection. They noticed this part of the sewer was a lot older than the ones they entered in. The walls were lined with brick, which was thick with fungus and mold. The pipes were also a lot more rusted and leaking all around. It must mean they were in the historical district of the city, which just happened to be where Senator Kelly was giving his speech. Wolverine slowed his pursuit, stopping just before a junction towards three pipes. The scent was directing him down the central pipe.

“We got ‘em now!” said Wolverine, taking a predatory stance, “They’re just up ahead!”

In addition, I also have a fresh update to the pics section, courtesy of Brian Brinlee. Once again, he was generous enough to take time to do another commission for the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. This time he took the big climax from Issue 25: Power Play and brought it to life. It was one of the most volatile moments of X-men Supreme Volume 2: War Powers and it set the stage for what would happen between Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch later on. Check it out along with the many other wondeful commissions for this fanfiction series in the X-men Supreme Official Panels section.

I know I've said this before, but X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope is going to be bigger and more expansive than the previous two volumes. This fanfiction series will start covering more plots and expand to more characters as the story unfolds. Because of this, it's very important that I continue to receive feedback from generous readers. X-men Supreme can only be awesome if there are people who care about it enough to see it continue. I really do enjoy writing this fanfiction series and I want it to be as awesome as possible. So far, I've had some wonderful support from certain readers. I would like that list of readers to increase. If at any time you have questions or comments for this fanfiction series, please don't hesitate to contact me. Until next time, take care and best wishes everybody!

Jack

X-23 #20 - Girls Night Awesome

2012-01-12T02:40:00.000-08:00

Teenage girls are like weapons grade radioactive materials. In small doses they're harmless. Being around them may not be good for you, but they won't kill you in a slow tortuous death. But when you put them in groups, then watch out because you've got a fucking nuclear bomb of hormonal bitchiness on your hands. Such a weapon is so deadly that even terrorists won't touch it. In the Marvel universe, teenage girls aren't just fucked up on hormones. They tends to be fucked up in general with things like being raised to be a living weapon or being a mutant that got de-powered and then turned into a vampire. That begs the question. What do you get when you put a former living weapon with a teenage vampire? I mean aside from Fox's next sitcom.

Marjorie Liu's X-23 series has partially answered that question. A few arcs ago, the teenage girl that also happens to be a living weapon met up with another teenage girl that happens to be a vampire. Jubilee proved to be an unexpected yet appropriate BFF. In many ways she's like the annoying talking donkey to X-23's constantly annoyed Shrek. She's bubbly, she's upbeat, and she generally a chipper girl despite being a vampire that constantly fights to urge to suck the blood out of someone's neck in a way you can't make a porno out of. X-23 is dark, quiet, brooding, and as Hellion found out in the previous arc a bit of a bitch. But Marjorie Liu takes these qualities and makes a compelling story out of X-23. She's been on a journey of sorts since she left Utopia. In that time she's clashed with Sinister, fought Daken in a way that didn't give him a boner, traveled dimensions with the FF, and broke Hellion's heart. Somewhere along the way (and left purposefully ambiguous by Marvel) Schism took place. While most every other X-man has chosen a side of sorts, X-23 remains on the fences. Since this series is nearing it's end, she can't play the Switzerland card forever. Someone needs to help her make up her mind and who better than Jubilee?

X-23 #20 is billed as a girls night between a born killer and a vampire. Sounds like a double date with an ex-girlfriend and an ex-wife, but only in a figurative sense. X-23 was confronted by Jubilee at the end of X-23 #19. In between the end of that issue and the beginning of this issue, Jubilee convinces X-23 to pay a visit to the newly built Jean Grey Institute for Higher Learning. I would love to know how the hell she convinced X-23 to do that. I would also have loved to know how she convinced X-23 to play football with Gambit and Iceman. Maybe this is just her way of getting her to settle down after the Hellion affair or this is Marvel's shameless attempt to cash in on the NFL playoffs. I'm inclined to believe that it's a little of both.

It's an innocent way to point out the 900 pound gorilla humping the couch in the room. On one hand, Jubilee didn't choose to go with Wolverine's team. She stuck with Cyclops as indicated in Victor Gischler's X-men (a series you should seriously pick up if you haven't already). On the other, X-23 hasn't chosen a side yet either. She may also be there because Gambit is there, but so is Hellion, the boy who she pretty much emasculated in the last issue. So you can sort of get the sense that X-23 is conflicted. She hasn't made a decision on which side she'll join and Jubilee is subtly telling her she can't keep avoiding this shit forever. That would be like deciding whether or not you're going to sneak out to go to the prom with that guy your dad threatened with a shotgun. You have to decide before someone gets their nuts blown off and to her credit, Jubilee is doing her best to make X-23 not feel pressured. If only my ex-girlfriend's father was so understanding.

Having relaxed a bit to a good game of tackle football, Jubilee takes X-23 into New York City for a girls night out. X-23 is still being stubborn with respect to which side she chooses. It's like asking a teenage girl which Backstreet Boys would be on the top and bottom of a gangbang back in 1999. While X-23 doesn't open up, Jubilee does and in a way that hasn't been depicted in other comics. When she chose to stick with Cyclops, that was pretty striking because she has a long and colorful and non-pedophilic history with Wolverine. One would expect her to side with him. But she's a vampire now. When X-23 tells her that she's a killer by nature, Jubilee reveals some of her own insecurities. She too is a killer by nature. She's a vampire that sees other human beings as a meal. That makes her somewhat ill-equipped for a school with children, but it makes her perfect for Cyclops's team of assassins, juggernauts, and big titted girlfriends.

In a way Jubilee steals to show here. While this is X-23's comic, she's the one that's reaching X-23 on a level that other adults can't. This goes to show that the only one that can truly understand the fucked up nature of a teenage girl's mentality is another teenage girl. Moreover, these are two teenage girls that are killers by nature, but approach that nature differently. I swear, this would make an awesome sitcom if it was aired on HBO. That way they don't have to pixilate tits and they can tell ex-boyfriends to go fuck themselves.

Despite Jubilee's honesty, X-23 can't decide. So what's her answer? They go dancing. It's sort of like a female version of a strip club. When a man is conflicted, the sight of boobs helps ease that tension. But for women, dancing can offer the same effect. There's just something liberating about shaking what your momma gave you to music with lyrics you can't understand. If you're lucky you can get someone to buy you a drink as well, but that usually is directly proportional to the tightness of your pants. While Jubilee is right at home dancing in a club, X-23 just can't relax. She's the kind of girl that needs to find someone to beat the shit out of in order to relax. It's like reverse sad-masochism when you think about.

She doesn't have to look far for someone to beat up either. As it just so happens, the club Jubilee took her to has a very Jersey Shore-esque type man with a rather unenthusiastic young woman by his side. X-23 recognizes this man as a pimp friend of her old pimp, Zebra Daddy. That's all the reason she needs to want to castrate him on the spot, shove his balls down his threat, and use the flapping skin of his own scrotum to strangle his sorry ass. For those of you who don't know X-23's history, it's not just what you saw in a kids show like X-men Evolution. She was once a teenage prostitute that turned tricks for guys under a pimp. It's the complete antithesis of the Pretty Woman type prostitute. This is more of the Flavor Flav type prostitutes that are damaged and vulnerable. So it's extra satisfying when X-23 beats the shit out of Zebra Daddy's replacement and his goons.

In addition to striking a blow against douche-bag gangster wannabes that prey on young woman, this scene does something just as important. It ties X-23's current conflicts to conflicts of the past. Her life as a prostitute is rarely mentioned in the comics. It could be because Marvel knows that radical feminists may call for their heads on a platter with their dicks sticking out of their ears or it may just be because it's easier to ignore. Well Marjorie Liu does something better in linking this difficult detail of X-23's life to what she's going through now. It helps make this issue more coherent with the series. It may not sounds like much, but it's that little something extra that differentiates good series from those that are truly awesome.

Despite X-23 being polite enough to eviscerate the asshole that sees women the same way McDonalds sees cows, the woman she rescued was not very appreciative. Human slaves rarely are when they basically have nowhere to go and no one to take care of them. But X-23 is no moral crusader that only seeks to stop the sex part of a crime and leave the other crimes untouched. She knows from experience that the abuse she endures just gets worse. So she demands that she tell her where the other girls are so she can free them. And if someone tries to shoot her, she'll cut off his dick and she can keep it as a trophy. That last part is implied.

Jubilee and X-23 find the place. But there's no action like there was in the club. There's no depiction of what they do to the men they encounter that try and stop them. The scene focuses mostly on the poor state of the women and the level of their abuse. Some may not like the lack of bloodshed or action. Anyone that's ever had an abusive boyfriend (or girlfriend even) may have been foaming at the mouth to see more assholes get killed. But there's a different message here. These aren't supevillains. These are just normal thugs that won't put up much of a fight against a trained killer or a vampire. The bigger story is what they're doing to the women. That abuse is part of what X-23 endured and that's why it's compelling. Now yes, it is a little bland and a bit of a downer if you're reading this while stoned. But it has a point.

While X-23 and Jubilee manage to free the women, they don't exactly have anyone they can turn to in order to help. Luckily, someone does that job for them. Black Widow of the Avengers shows up. She reveals that she had been keeping an eye on X-23 in a way that probably couldn't make a good webcam show. They have a brief chat. Black Widow points out that X-23 is a trained killer and skills like that go a long ways in the Marvel Universe. She also rightly points out that X-23 is an immature teenage girl that doesn't know what the fuck she's doing. Normally, when you point this out to a teenage girl you get into a screaming fit. But X-23 keeps her cool and get an offer to join the Avengers Academy. Now this would be a compelling moment if it hadn't already been revealed a month ago that X-23 was going to join the Avengers Academy anyways. It was spoiled before this comic was ever released. But still, it does fit in nicely to the conflict she's facing.

Now one could make an argument that the Avengers Academy really isn't all that different from the Jean Grey Institute or Utopia. X-23 probably won't get much more there than she would with either side. But perhaps that's the point. She doesn't want to choose a side so she goes with another means of utilizing her skills. The next day, she meets up with Wolverine and they have another heartfelt moment. X-23 makes clear that she's made her decision. While Wolverine is disappointed that he couldn't do more for her, he accepts her decision. That alone makes him more understanding than half the fathers of a teenage girl and 99 percent of the fathers of the women I've dated. And yet X-23 thinks she's the unlucky one?

The final scene of the issue is a nice goodbye that sort of symbolizes X-23's decision. She catches up with Gambit, who has been sort of a life-coach that may or may not be creepy pervert when it comes to young women. None-the-less, he was an important part of her journey. So she says goodbye to him before she gets on a motorcycle and rides off. It feels like a solid endpoint for the series with an epilogue coming up for the final issue. Hopefully, Marjorie Liu avoids the same mistakes that Mike Carey made with his final issue of X-men Legacy and ends her run on a high note. So long as she doesn't have a scene with Magneto boning a woman a quarter his age, she should be fine.

It took her 20 issues, but X-23 has finally made a decision. She's been looking for her own path and she's found it. Despite all the shit she had to go through to get to this point, I still say she found it a lot faster than many other teenage girls out there who think their path involves winning American Idol and being America's next top model. But the story Marjorie Liu has behind it feels appropriate. She didn't want to take sides with the X-men and she didn't feel like she had a place with either team. So she opted for a fresh start at the Avengers Academy. Because who needs school when you've already been trained to kick ass?

That's not to say that the Avengers Academy is the right decision in the long term. In some ways the Avengers Academy really isn't all that different from what Cyclops's team is doing. It just involves characters that X-23 doesn't have enough reasons to hate at the moment. Also, I find the timing of Black Widow's offer to be a bit off. If SHIELD and the Avengers had been watching her, then why the fuck didn't they come to her when she left the X-men? It just seems a bit random and contrived. They come out of nowhere with an offer and X-23 takes it. Never mind that these are people she has no connection with. Wolverine is practically her father and Jubilee is her only real friend. Yet she opts not to go to those teams. I don't doubt that X-23 will fit into the Avengers Academy just find. I just think that in the context of this story, it's a bit random.

But as usual, Marjorie Liu makes the story around it very compelling. As she's done in previous arcs, she connects this story to other events in her past. Her life as a prostitute with Zebra Daddy in NYX really isn't mentioned all that much. It was actually one of the first ways she entered the 616 comics and given that this is a point in her life where she's making another big change, it's very fitting. Marjorie Liu captures the emotions very well and even makes Jubilee all the more lovable, despite the tidbit about her being a blood-thirsty vampire. But she's still more lovable than most of the teenage girls I went to high school with so I'm not complaining. As the next to last issue, Marjorie Liu is setting X-23 up nicely for the future. For this, I give X-23 #20 a 4 out of 5. I want to give it a higher score, but the lack of action in some areas seemed like a missed opportunity. That and X-23's involvement with the Avengers Academy was already announced so that kind of took away from the impact. It's still nice to know how she came to this decision. It's also nice to know that she can beat up ruthless pimps with help from a vampire. Take that rap videos! Nuff said.

X-men #23 - Internationally Imported Awesome

2012-01-08T06:52:00.000-08:00

X-men Regenesis has been like a long overdue enema. It feels uncomfortable as hell at first, but when you see all the shit that it clears out you wonder how you ever let it get that fucked up. Every X-men comic has benefited from Regenesis in some way. Few have benefited as greatly as Victor Gischler's adjectiveless X-men. His series was once the forgotten, abused, and readily ignored step-child of the X-books. It wasn't a bad book by any stretch, but it wasn't going to steal your attention and hold it in a death grip either. It was mediocre at best and forgetable at worst. X-men Regenesis changed that and it didn't need to use a vampire gimmick this time.

Gischler's X-book has always been sound on paper, much like the first script for Battlefield Earth. It's supposed to show the X-men interacting with the greater Marvel universe. It's done this, albeit with mixed results that can't quite compare to the depravity of Battlefield Earth. But X-men Regenesis gave it a fresh lease on life by actually setting up a team with which to associate the book. Storm takes the lead as she probably should have done from the beginning. You just aren't as likely to fuck with someone who can literally shoot a lightning bolt up your ass. Others such as Psylocke, Colossus, Domino, Warpath, and vampire Jubilee joined as well. It's the kind of team that has a unique identity, but are still distinctly X-men. Plus, they have a vampire in their ranks for crying out loud. You can't have a good X-book without catering to the tween crowd now can you?

The first arc of Regenesis style X-men has been a surprising dose of thrills, political intrigue, and giant robots. All are perfect ingredients for an X-book or a Michael Bay film, minus the $200 million budget. It started with a black market deal for sentinels that ended up in the hands of a small oddly named country of Puternicstan, who with the lead of a Hillary Clinton wannabe unleash their stolen sentinels on the equally oddly named country of Symkaria. Since the X-men like to involve themselves in all things sentinel (or they just see fighting robots as a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon), they get involved. Along the way, they cross paths with War Machine. At first he tells the X-men to back off. Storm, being a freakin' queen last I checked, smiles and nods before giving him the finger once he turns his back. They eventually cross paths again and start working together, but by then it was too late. Puternicstan launched their attack and the first pages of X-men #23 show Storm's team leading the charge to take them down before robot wars become too trendy.

The one setting this trend is the Hillary Clinton-esque governor of Puternicstan I mentioned earlier. She's shown to have bigger balls than all the candidates in the GOP (which I know may not be saying much, but you get the picture). She's actually bold enough to launch an attack with robots on their neighbor. Some might call that ballsy, but even those with penises have a problem with that. While she watches the X-men fight her sentinel army, one of her own generals tries to stop her. Apparently having a penis doesn't automatically make you okay with starting a war. Unfortunately, the governor's vagina is that much more powerful because she has her own people contain the traitorous bastard. Somewhere out there, radical feminists are masturbating to this scene. And I have no desire to deprive them so I'll simply shut up for a moment.

Done ladies? Okay, back to the X-men. They're also sort of iffy on the whole launching a robot war thing. In the last issue Warpath and Psylocke caught up with Domino, who managed to avoid being dissected and sold to necrophiliacs. With her help they manage to find a low level scientist that they hope can help them find the off switch for these sentinels. Because scientists in the Marvel universe have more brain cells than those in the Matrix or the Terminator universe. They actually go out of their way to ensure that their killer robots have off switches. I can only assume that scientists in certain fictional universes get drunk on the job more often than I do and that's why simple shit like this slips their mind.

They find out that there is in fact a central control area where they can end this shit. Unfortunately, the governor of Puternicstan has brains in addition to her vagina. So that means she has alarms go off when someone starts busting their way into the master control room. She ends up sending her security forces to go slow them down. It may sound like your typical throw-your-henchmen-at-the-heroes-to-be-humiliated type command, but she also hasn't forgotten that time is on her side. She's already launched the sentinels. Domino, Warpath, and Psylocke have no hope of getting backup from their friends. On top of that the sentinels do land a few lucky blows, namely against War Machine since he doesn't fight sentinels as often in his spare time. SO that screws up the X-men's mojo. So that means they need to find that off switch and find it fast.

While they're fighting their way through, the battle with Storm, Colossus, Jubilee, and War Machine continues taking some unexpected turns. Despite War Machine's inexperience in fighting robot mutant killers, he's able to pick himself up and salvage at least some of his dignity. A battle against the X-men and sentinels is rarely fair, but in a year where the Detroit fucking Lions made the playoffs it's not unheard of that unexpected twists emerge. You could argue that Jubilee, who isn't even a mutant anymore, hot wiring a sentinel and crashing it into the ground is novel. It adds to a beautifully organized battle scene in the skies that's much nicer to drool over than the bland Eastern European government buildings that the others are fighting in. But this only sets up another twist.

It's worth reminding that Victor Gischler was the one that turned Jubilee into a vampire. Pretty much every story surrounding Jubilee's vampirism has come from Gischler. Now say what you will about the decision to do this. Yeah, maybe Marvel was trying to appeal to the Twilight crowd without getting too gay. But Jubilee's character has taken on some amazing twists since she became a blood sucker. Her being a vampire has led to far more novel stories than her just being a mutant. That's my opinion and if you disagree than we can agree to disagree and share a bong hit. Except you have to buy the weed.

That said, when Jubilee crashes the sentinel she encounters someone unexpected. He's not someone who has any part in the whole Puternicstan conflict. He claims he's been watching Jubilee, presumably in the same way horny teenage girls watch Robert Pattinson take his shirt off on the beach through a pair of binoculars (or maybe that's just my ex-girlfriend). Who is this guy? It's not clear, but he does resemble a character that was introduced in a previous issue of Gischler's adjectiveless X-men. He was a vampire that Xavier encountered back in the day when he wasn't mind wiping students and imprisoning Danger. He claims that he can show Jubilee a whole new world. I'm sure that's code for "I'm getting in your panties tonight and there's nothing you can do about it." But whatever the subtext, Jubilee completely disappears after this scene.

She couldn't have picked a worse time to disappear either. By now the sentinels are swarming around Storm, Colossus, and War Machine. The governor of Puternicstan is trying to one-up Hillary Clinton and hit the X-men with a healthy dose of overkill. They start landing some lucky blows. Yes, even mindless robot killers can get lucky every now and then and not in a very fetish sounding way. Even Storm gets herself in trouble when one of the sentinels grabs her. Yet all this time War Machine is contributing absolutely nothing. For a crossover book, he's really not affecting much. He's just adding some guns to the fight, but who needs guns when you've got a guy with Juggernaut's power and a chick with lightning? He's basically an afterthought that really can't change the tide of this battle. Suddenly that off switch is sounding very appealing.

While this battle is going on, the others have fought their way to the master control room. The Hillary Clinton wannabe tries to stop them, but then Domino knocks her out by making her kiss the butt of her gun (not a lesbian joke). She had Domino captured. She knocks her out. Sounds fair. Then Psylocke is able to get in touch with Madison Jefferies back on Utopia, who helps her decipher the systems that the fine folk of Peternicstan have used to hijack the sentinels. If it's programmed like typical Eastern European hardware, I can only assume that the ability to use Windows Vista without pulling your hair out renders you overqualified for the task. Jefferies helps Psylocke enter the shut-down code and that's what ends the battle. It sounds a bit overly easy, but if you just wanted the X-men to destroy all the robots then you're just greedy. Despite the words of Gordon Gecko, that's just not good in this context.

But it doesn't stop with shutting down the sentinels. Once all is calm, the comic flashes forward a bit. We find out that War Machine actually does prove useful in some areas. He calls in some favors from his buddies at NATO to clean up the mess in Puternicstan. They also arrest the Hillary Clinton wannabe and put her on trail. It's not the flashy kind of heroics that you would see in Uncanny X-men or Wolverine and the X-men. It's treated like a security threat with law, lawyers, and governments. It's more exciting than it sounds and it succeeds in setting the tone for this book. I suppose even political junkies that watch C-SPAN need a comic to call their own these days.

But the mission isn't over. In fact, the stage was already set for the next conflict in this series several pages back. When Storm returns to Utopia, she reports to Cyclops that they looked everywhere and couldn't find Jubilee. I'm pretty sure that her running off with a mysterious boy that may or may not be trying to get into her pants is a concern, but her own well-being is probably just as great a concern. And Storm makes it clear that she's not going to consider her mission a success until she finds Jubilee. She's just that kind of woman and if that guy actually does manage to screw with Jubilee, then I'm sure Storm will see to it that Mother Nature renders him a eunuch.

Some may find this ending annoying. I, for one, enjoyed it and not because I tend to read my comics while I'm drunk. This first arc succeeded as the first arcs of Uncanny X-men and Wolverine and the X-men succeeded. It firmly established the theme of the series. From the beginning of the arc to the end, Gischler made clear that this was a unique brand of X-men. They take on the kind of security threats that could upset the ever so fragile order that the X-men kind of need. But this series set itself apart. Before everything with Puternicstan was resolved, the conflict for the next arc was set into motion. And wouldn't you know it? Vampire Jubilee, the same Vampire Jubilee that Gischler created with his first arc, is at the center of it. So not only is the plot for this arc resolved, but the conflict for the next arc has already begun. It's like a preview within an ending. It may confuse some, but if it doesn't get you excited for the next issue then you're either too high or just a dick.

Compared to recent arcs of adjectiveless X-men, this was by far the best. It was an improvement on every level. It wasn't perfect. I have a hard time placing it on the same level as Wolverine and the X-men or Uncanny X-men because those two books have an established tradition of awesome. X-men still has the baggage of mediocrity to overcome. It definitely made strides here. It was complete on some levels. These books are supposed to utilize the greater Marvel universe and War Machine was kind of lost in this issue. But the theme was still in place and Gischler made it work through a solid mix of politics, social commentary, and robots blowing up. That's basically a metaphor for X-men as a whole.

I'm really glad that this series has improved. When I first heard about this series, I was excited at the prospect of the X-men having a book solely dedicated to utilizing other characters from the Marvel universe. But that excitement was overshadowed by the quality X-books that completely outshined it like Uncanny X-Force and Schism. There was really little reason to follow this book, but Regenesis has made the most compelling argument yet for X-men fans to add this to their pull list. It has Storm leading the X-men, other Marvel heroes joining them, and the potential for more killer robots. Seriously, what more do you need? That's why I give X-men #23 a 4.5. It's back to basics with X-men. They fight killer robots and save misguided teenagers. So what if one of them is a vampire now? She's basically the best blood-sucker on the market until the next season of True Blood begins. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #4 - A Personal Journey (of Awesome)

2012-01-07T02:58:00.000-08:00

People with refined, diverse tastes often make up a disproportionate amount of the sweater-vest wearing, fake tan loving hipster douche-bag crowd. In the age of the Jersey Shore and Kardashian marriages that don't last as long as the first season of Shit My Dad Says, refined tastes get a bad rap. I go out of my way to run out of these hipster douche-bags with my car from time to time, but I think having more diverse and refined tastes are a good thing. That applies to comics as well. Not every issue of Uncanny X-men has to involve Cyclops flexing his scrotum while Emma Frost strokes it and Colossus bench presses an aircraft carrier. Some X-men stories can be told from a different perspective and be just as awesome.

This is what brings me to Uncanny X-men #4. A mere week ago, Kieron Gillen ended his first arc to this relaunched series. He had high expectations and an even higher threshold for failure. A lesser man probably would have impaled himself trying to jump it in an effort that would become the source of gay jokes for generations. But Gillen succeeded. He told a compelling story that brought the X-men, Sinister, and the Celestials together in a high-stakes battle that nearly turned the world into a sandwich deep fried in cake batter on top of Chris Christy's dinner plate. It was a great arc to usher in a new era of Uncanny X-men. But does the next issue actually have to directly follow the events of that arc? Or is there room for more diverse stories? Those with the unrefined tastes that only pay attention to explosions and tits may say yes. Those with more functioning brain cells would say no.

Uncanny X-men #4 does actually follow the events of Uncanny X-men #3, but not directly. It actually tells a story that connects Sinister to another story that led him to the colorful rampage that made San Francisco crazier than it already was to begin with. And the story isn't told from the point of view from Sinister or the X-men either. It's told from the point of view of the Phalanx, a race of techno-organic creatures that like to suck up living flex and integrate it into their techno-organic forms. It's not as big as a dick move as it sounds. These creatures are a collective mind that seek to integrate life into a single functional collective. It's basically all of Glenn Beck's nightmares about communism taking form and substance. So naturally, long before the events of the last arc, Sinister captured it and did it with a big ass gun. Like Ted Nugant in a grizzly bear's nest, you can't say the guy doesn't come equipped.

Once captured, Sinister does what he does with pretty much any living experiment. He dissects it the way Colonel Sanders dissects a chicken. He tears into the Phalanx, probing it's ability to create a hive mind and collective unconscious. Why? Because he's Sinister, damn it! He doesn't need a reason! Well, that is until the end of the last arc. This is where this seemingly unrelated story from an unrelated perspective crosses paths with the events of the first arc. Sinister used a hive mind to create the army of duplicates that gave the X-men so many headaches. He used it to great effect and looked pretty badass in the process. So when he returns from that battle, the creature's role becomes more evident. And to show that he's merciful in his own twisted way, Sinister throws away his specimens and that includes the Phalanx.

It's a very loose connection to the first arc, but it's a connection none-the-less. This issue is written from a very different perspective, namely from a creature that had no role in it and was simply one of Sinister's many test subjects. It really didn't need this connection, but it certainly helps. It shows that Gillen values coherence in his books and for that he deserves plenty of credit because this is the kind of shit that lazy writers can't be bothered to give half a bag of dog shit about.

The Phalanx is basically a piece of medical waste now. Sinister cut this thing up and damaged it so badly that it's more screwed up than a computer that was fixed by an Amish tech support team. The Phalanx was so weak that it had to integrate worms to rebuild it's form. Over time, it finally returned to the surface. There it was found by a young girl that looks like an extra from Japanese anime porn. Like any extra that ends up getting tentacle raped, she foolishly takes the Phalanx and treats it like a doll. Granted, it looks like the creepiest doll since they made a Vanilla Ice action figure. But for some reason the girl doesn't care. She doesn't get tentacle raped, but you can probably see where this is going.

While the girl sleeps, the Phalanx absorbs her. It turns her into an integrated collective that looks like Snooki after she stayed in the tanning bed for too long. Not content to just absorb an innocent girl, the Phalanx goes for her parents and absorbs them too. Now normally when the Phalanx absorbs something, it integrates it's mind into it's own. The subject doesn't die. It just becomes part of the Phalanx. But that doesn't happen this time. When the Phalanx absorbs these people, it destroys their minds. Hence, it fucking kills them. It's pretty gruesome, but it's not quite that cut and dry.

This is where the perspective of Gillen's writing really shows it's magic. Without it, the Phalanx is just this cruel alien intelligence that gets off absorbing young girls and corrupting their families. It's basically what MTV strives to do, but that's not how the Phalanx sees itself. It believes it's actually doing something good for these people by allowing their minds to merge. It believes that by absorbing this girl, they'll be together. But that doesn't happen. It leaves the Phalanx scared and horrified, not cruel and murderous. It would be as if Jason Vorhees discovered that hacking people with a machete wouldn't make his mother love him. It would be pretty crippling.

Now confused and more fucked up than Bugs Bunny on a crack binge, the Phalanx decides to absorb more people. It's not a Godzilla style rampage. It wants to reconnect with the other Phalanx in the universe. The problem is that when you start sucking in other people in a way that Jeffery Dalmer would find fucked up, it's going to draw attention. This is exactly the kind of thing that sends Abigail Brand of SWORD into a frenzy of PMS. Since she has the budget for a big ass space station but not an army equipped to fight big ass aliens, she calls the X-men's extinction team. I guess the economy sucks in the Marvel U just as much as it does in real life. Go figure.

The X-men arrive on the scene. By then the Phalanx has absorbed an entire fucking town. Yet all that absorbing hasn't yielded it a single mind into it's collective so it's still pissed off. That means it's not going to allow the X-men to fuck with it's plan so it takes on the form of a big ass swamp monster minus the swamp. It's only slightly more imposing than a sentinel, minus the annoying 'destroy' battle cry. But it's dangerous in a way that you just can't reason with. That's why you need a team like Cyclops's to take it down. Wolverine can whine all he wants about making a school and educating kids, but as the Phalanx's monologue shows it just isn't interested in being lectured on how Lady Gaga wants us all to love who we are.

It makes for the kind of large-scale battle that we've all come to expect with Uncanny X-men. It also makes for an opportunity to have Colossus whip out his new unstoppable Juggernaut charged dick and attack the Phalanx (figuratively speaking of course). And he doesn't even wait until shit is too dire to use it. He actually says outright that he wants to flex his Juggernaut style muscle. That's a far cry from the lovable Russian commie that just wanted to make Kitty Pryde melt in his arms. It makes him far more badass, but it also implies that maybe like Donald Trump's sense of self worth that the power is going to his head.

Even with the X-men's heavy hitters tearing into it, the Phalanx manages to great this big dildo-shaped antenna with which to contact it's people. But there's a problem. Nobody's home. The creature is like a nerd that finds out that the number this cute girl in his English class that gave him her phone number just gave hims the number to a shitty Koren restaurant that left a used band aid in their last batch of stir fry. It's pretty crushing because for most of this issue, this Phalanx has been fighting loneliness. And not the kind of loneliness that some solve with beer and internet porn. It's the loneliness of a collective that has only one mind. And for a creature that's not immersed in the California style "I love me" type mentality, that's pretty crippling.

So in a rather tragic act of redemption, the Phalanx allows the X-men to kill it. It says outright that it would rather die than live out the rest of it's days in loneliness. It's pretty sad because after reading the Phalanx's story from the beginning, it's hard not to feel for him. He's like the much creepier version of Wall-E, minus the anti-capitalism propaganda. He destroyed a whole town, but it was an act from a wounded creature. Even Storm seems to sense this in the end and Cyclops, as he's become so adept at doing, gives her the "We had no other option" speech. It may sound kind of dickish to some, but that doesn't make it any less valid. In that sense this story has a rather tragic ending, but one that sends a powerful and provocative message. Now excuse me while take a bong hit to stop myself from crying.

An issue like this has a sense of poetry to it. They're few and far between because Marvel is a business and unfortunately they need to sell shit. That means they need most of their stories to be the kind of bloated, big box office events that people love to bitch about but can't get enough of. However, there's always room for something deeper. This one-shot didn't dig deeper into the twisted psyche of Sinister or make Cyclops's mission harder than it already was. It simply told a tragic story from the point of view of a creature that didn't understand what was happening to it. It was a story that was told from a very alien perspective, yet had very human elements. It's the kind of story that touches the reader in ways that will get you paid off and re-assigned in the Catholic Church.

I won't avoid the obvious. This issue really didn't do much for the underlying theme of Uncanny X-men other than show how Sinister was able to create an army of himself and coordinate it with a hive mind. But it had all the elements that make it fitting for the pages of Uncanny. It was a creature that everyone feared, but didn't understand. At times the perspective was so twisted that it was hard to follow. Some may end up more lost than a creationist at a natural history museum. But it's not so convoluted that it's impossible to understand after a few solid reads. Well, that and being stoned helps, but that's just me.

Overall, this was one of those special issues that won't set the world on fire, but will still blow your mind with the force of a million bong hits. It's a nice interlude between the previous arc of Uncanny X-men and the next arc. Kieron Gillen definitely showed off his writing skills here and at times he's practically gloating, but he still delivers. Some may be able to skip this issue without really noting it's impact and that's really the only flaw. But it still works on it's own level and it's definitely an issue that's worth cherishing. That's why I give Uncanny X-men #4 a 4.5 out of 5. If you want explosions and tits, go Charlie Sheen's house and get kicked in the nuts by a donkey. But if you want a compelling piece of writing, buy this comic. Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue 44: Discrimination is LIVE!

2012-01-06T03:11:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year everybody! A new year has begun and so has a new volume of the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. I'm proud to usher in this new year with an exciting new stage in X-men Supreme. I've worked long and hard on this fanfiction series. I sincerely believe that X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope will take this world of X-men to a new level. The past two volumes have been an experience to say the least. The X-men have not only had to confront bold new plans by Magneto and his Brotherhood of Mutants. They've had to confront the social upheaval that has resulted from such plans. The end of Volume 2: War Powers brought a very fragile yet very dangerous status quo. But unlike previous volumes, X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope will involve threats that go beyond the conflicts raised by Magneto. Those conflicts begin with the very first issue. As always, I hope you wonderful readers enjoy this exciting new incarnation of X-men.

Issue 44: Discrimination

Make no mistake. X-men Supreme will undergo some significant changes in Volume 3: Ashes of Hope. Some threats and stories will be familiar to veteran X-men and knowledgable Marvel fans. Others will have a unique X-men Supreme style twist that you'll only find in this fanfiction series. I can't give away too much right now, but trust me when I say it's worth waiting for! New threats, new relationships, and a new scale of awesome will make 2012 a great year for X-men Supreme!

As always, I strongly encourage everyone to read and review this series as it unfolds. The more X-men Supreme grows, the more important it is that I get feedback. I want this fanfiction series to be as awesome as possible. I can't do that unless people tell me what they think. Please contact me at any time or post your comments in each issue. I'm open to any kind of feedback so don't be afraid to get in touch with me. Again, I hope you all enjoy X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope. Here's to an awesome 2012! Excelsior!

Jack

X-Sanction #2 - The Hardware of Awesome

2012-01-05T02:49:00.000-08:00

I don't hide the fact that I have a long list of bad habits. I like to think they're no worse than any professional drunk that has doused his brain in every exotic substance on the periodic table. But ignore for the more manageable habits like taking a shit in your sock drawer while drunk or wrapping your dick in aluminum foil and using it as a radio antenna when you're stoned. There are far more distressing habits that make you question the order of the universe and whether or not God was just drunk when he created everything and needed the seventh day to sleep off the hangover. One such habit is praising Jeph Loeb comics.

Drunk or not, I'm well aware that some writers come with a certain level of baggage. If Jeph Loeb was an airport, he'd need a fleet of jumbo jets flying non-stop for a year to haul the kind of baggage he carries into every book he writes. He's one of those comic writers that people love, hate, or love to hate. I admit I've been in all three categories. His amazing work with titles like Batman/Superman and supremely shitty craftsmanship with titles like Ultimate leaves me more conflicted than Chaz Bono at a public restroom. That's why when Avengers: X-Sanction #1 came out, I was actually glad to go into relapse so to speak. The first issue of this very important mini was Jeph Loeb at his finest, which is a lot like me at my most drunk but with fewer damaged telephone poles.

X-Sanction #1 began to tell the story of Cable's return from the future. It was not a very upbeat story to say the least. Cable found out that after sacrificing his life to save Hope, it all amounted to jack shit. He ended up in the future where the world was more desolate than Jon Huntsman's poll numbers. And it's all because the Avengers had to go and fuck with Hope, ensuring that she wasn't there to save the world. For Cable, you might as well have called his mother a psychotic bitch that made a deal with goblins. Even though you're right, you're going to get your ass kicked.

So Cable spent most of X-Sanction luring Captain America to a tanker ship and beating the living shit out of him until he could restrain him. He succeeded because even the guy that used to drink the blood of Nazis for breakfast can't measure up to a pissed off Cable trying to save his adopted daughter. But Captain America wasn't the only target. He needs to take on all the Avengers. X-Sanction #2 continues this mission. While Cap was off getting his ass kicked, the other Avengers were back in New York dealing with a prison break that Cable may or may not have had a hand in. Iron Man notices that Captain America isn't answering his calls. Then when he sees Falcon's pet, Red Wing, flying without his Falcon, he knows something's up and follows it. That's bound to be his biggest mistake of the day. I mean besides not wearing a condom with the last underwear model he banged.

Iron Man makes the same mistake as Captain America. He blindly walks right into an obvious trap. And this is Cable we're talking about. Mercy isn't really in his database. This would be all well and good...if it hadn't happened exactly like this in the previous issue. My short-term memory may be shot because of so much weed, but it's not THAT bad. I refuse to believe that Jeph Loeb's weed is more potent than mine. It's dangerously close to being repetitive. Thankfully, Loeb does offer an explanation of sorts. Cable, who narrates much of the comic, reveals that he didn't put a bullet in Captain America's head at the end of the last issue. Cable's short-term memory is definitely better than that. He knocked him out instead. Not just to use as bait, but because he wants to know specifically what these assholes do that hurts Hope. There's even a flashback of Cable's time raising Hope that show just how motivated he is. You fuck with his kid and he's willing to beat the shit out Earth's mightiest heroes. Reminds me of my ex-girlfriend's dad.

So how's he going to take down Iron Man? Well he already came back from the future equipped with enough hardware to contain Falcon and Captain America. Why can't he also have enough hardware to take on Iron Man? That's easier said than done of course. But since Cable's from the future, one can expect that the natural progression of technology means that everything people have right now becomes paperweights within ten years. Iron Man shows up sporting his latest suit. Cable reveals that he has the latest suit he made in the future. How did he get this? How did he even set that up? Not really clear. Loeb usually doesn't get into that kind of detail. But it looks awesome so it's hard to give a shit.

The battle that ensues is every bit as epic as the fist-fight Cable had with Captain America in the first issue. Except this time the fight doesn't involve fists. It involves energy blasts, rocket boots, and a fight that ends up underwater. Again, it's similar in style to the Captain America fight in the last issue. But it involve more shit that explodes and that's always a plus. Now the battle isn't just completely mindless action with each character throwing off one-liners. I'm sure Loeb is saving that for the Spider-Man fight.

Through this battle, Cable continues to narrate and while this may seem obtrusive for some, it actually does something important. In the last issue Cable's motivation's weren't entirely clear. In fact, he came off as a bit of a dick. Then again, he is trying to kill the Avengers. But as he muses over Hope, his dickishness becomes more understandable. And it helps that Tony Stark is a dick too. The reader should probably just imagine they're a beautiful woman that Tony Stark screwed over.

But no matter how determined or motivated he is, Iron Man is still smart (you know, in addition to being a dick). Since Cable is using Iron Man-like tech it makes sense that Iron Man himself would be able to crack it. While they're battling underwater, Iron Man reminds Cable that even if he's using Stark tech that he hasn't invented yet then he still has a way to shut it down. It's basically a dick move that he builds into all his gear. It's kind of like Apple products, but you can't jailbreak it without it blowing up on you. But Cable can be a bit of a dick as well. While Iron Man is pulling his drowning ass out of the water, he puts that techno-organic mesh he calls a brain to good use and hits Iron Man's system with a special little bit of email called the Askani virus. It's basically like giving your credit card info to North Korean gangsters. It's gonna screw you over.

Cable has Iron Man defeated. That means he now has two Avengers captured and he's prepared to rip into them like my old gym teacher ripped into fat kids. So he sets Stark in another containment chair just like he did with Captain America. This is another instance where he probably could have become a major dick, but some extra flashbacks help justify it as best a manner as torture can be justified. To this point there have been various flashbacks that show Cable raising Hope in the shitty future he's stuck in. He parallels it with the difficult decision his own parents faced when he was sent into the future. It doesn't really justify torturing the Avengers. It just shows that he's really overprotective of Hope.

And therein lies the problem with these flashbacks. While it's nice to see Cable mixing the future with the present in his mission, these don't work as well as the flashbacks in the last issue. In the last issue, the flashbacks actually fit into the plot that was unfolding. All these flashbacks to is offer some loose reminders as to why Cable wants to save Hope. We get it. He's a pissed off adopted father. It gets to the point where the flashbacks come off as filler. There may be some shitty parenting techniques in between, but not much more than that.

Cable is about to begin Dick Cheny's version of lawful interrogation. But once again, this issue parallels the last issue in that it ends with someone pointing a big as gun at someone else. In this instance the big ass gun belongs to Red Hulk and he actually shoots in a way that's not meant to stun. Cable takes a nasty shot and unlike Iron Man or Captain America, Red Hulk isn't opposed to impromptu target practice. Seeing as how Red Hulk is Jeph Loeb creation, it's understandable that he would give him a badass pose.

This would be a badass way to end the issue, but that simply isn't enough for Loeb. With more flashbacks adding to his motivation, Cable understands that he's not going to outsmart someone that's not afraid to shoot him in the head with a non-stun gun. Keep in mind he's also been shot once already and his body is already turning to shit faster than the Indianapolis Colts's Superbowl hopes did this past year. The extra shot allowed the techno organic virus to finally take over. So how Cable's plan to save Hope and stop the Avengers turning to shit, but now he looks like a pre-love child, pre-governator Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's either bad news for him, bad news for Red Hulk, or both. Either way, it's awesome for us readers!

And so this bad habit of mine gets worse and like some of my other habits, I love it! Jeph Loeb continues to offer painful reminders that he still has talent and he can still tell an awesome story. Now this issue had pretty much the same format as the last issue. Cable goes through the trouble of luring an Avenger to his domain and then he spends the issue beating the shit out of them. Along the way, we get some flashbacks of him and Hope. It worked in the first issue and it worked just as well here. However, the flashbacks with Hope didn't seem to relate as well to what was going on with Cable and Iron Man. I get that they were meant to convey the message that Cable wants to save Hope and he's kind of fucked up with the techno-organic virus, but that meaning is not very clear and comes off as needless filler at times.

It's still a complete comic. Some may not like the fact that it follows the formula of the first issue almost to the letter. But it's not completely identical, although it does end with someone holding a big ass gun to someone else's head. This isn't done because Loeb is low on ideas (although some may suspect as such). He makes it clear early on that Cable isn't out to just whack everyone in the Avengers in the tradition of Tony Soprano. He kind of wants to know what the hell they wanted with Hope and how their actions led to the world getting broiled. Even for an old guy dying of a techno-organic virus, he can't help but be a little curious. So there is a reason behind his actions, although you get the sense that they kind of went to hell at the end when Red Hulk (another Jeph Loeb creation) showed up at the end just in time to see the techno-organic overtake him. That makes for another cliff-hanger style ending that will give Loeb plenty of excuses to blow more shit up in the pages of the next issue.

I still can't get over all the great things I said about Jeph Loeb and this series with my first review. All those things apply to this review as well. X-Sanction #2 is just as well written and enjoyable as the first issue. However, the repetitive formula and the poor use of flashbacks keep this issue from being as flawless as it's predecessor. Make no mistake. This is a comic you definitely want to read if you're interested in important shit that's going on in the Marvel universe. This thing sets the stage for Avengers vs. X-men and after two issues, my dick is already rock hard and ready for this event! With that disturbing image I give X-Sanction #2 a 4 out of 5. Cable is in several different dimensions of fucked up. It's the kind of story in which Jeph Loeb is at his finest and if that's not enough for you, then you're just being a dick. Nuff said!