XYDO.COM: The Onion

TV Listings: $lapping $trangers

MTV 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Contestants must slap as many unsuspecting passersby as they can for a chance to win $300.

Sportsgraphic: Why Women's Professional Soccer Failed in the U.S.

With the sad and unnecessary death of Women's Professional Soccer last week, there is no longer a professional standalone women's soccer league in the United States.

Nation Mesmerized By Spurs' Dazzling Pass-Screen-Pass-Shoot Brand Of Offense

SAN ANTONIO—In arenas, sports bars, and homes throughout the country, the San Antonio Spurs' dominating run through the playoffs has transfixed the nation with the breathtaking spectacle of their pass-screen-pass-shoot offense.

Undercurrent Of Inequality And Fear Roiling Just Beneath Surface Of '50s-Themed Diner

MINNEAPOLIS—An underlying but eerily palpable feeling of enforced social conformity, racial tension, and communist witch hunts lurks just beneath the surface of Smokey Joe's, a 1950s-themed novelty diner, sources reported Monday.

Man At Gym Just Watching TV

Fan On The Street: On The Magic Firing Stan Van Gundy

On The Magic Firing Stan Van Gundy

Shane Doan Wins NHL's Byron Pepys Trophy For Tying His Skates The Tightest

Another Nurse Succumbs To Charms Of Flirty Elderly Patient

Corrections: Summer Fashion Preview

As a heads-up to our readers, next week's Summer Fashion Preview is going to blow. Sorry.

Sports: Spurs/Thunder

It's time for the Western Conference Finals, featuring an archetypical dynamic young team and an archetypical veteran team with strong fundamentals.

Report: 5th Floor A Bunch Of Pompous Dicks

SEATTLE—Citing their stuck-up attitudes and stupid, hip little outfits, a devastating new report from Waverly Building sources found Tuesday that the people who work on the fifth floor are a bunch of pompous dicks.

Michael Phelps Apologizes To Nation After Tasting Subway For First Time

NEW YORK—In a press release issued Friday, Olympic gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps publicly apologized to his fans and Americans everywhere after actually tasting one of the Subway sandwiches he endorses.

Carlos Beltran First Player To Homer From Three Sides Of The Plate

Phoenix Coyotes Pretend Homeless Drifters At Greyhound Bus Station Are Fans Welcoming Team Home

PHOENIX—Upon returning from their elimination from the Western Conference Finals Tuesday, the Phoenix Coyotes convinced themselves that the homeless drifters occupying the Greyhound bus station were adoring fans waiting to welcome them back. "It eases the pain to see so many fans back here waiting for us, and it looks like most of them were even camping out for a while waiting for us," team captain Shane Doan said, after shaking the outstretched open hand of a mumbling homeless man. "From the sad looks and anguished faces, I can tell how much our loss truly pains these die-hards. Some of them kept saying, 'Please, help me.' All I could say was 'We'll get 'em next year!'" In related news, the conference champion Los Angeles Kings reportedly believed that the people who filled their arena during the series actually cared whether they won or lost.

TV Listings: Friends Of Friends

Friends Of Friends NBC 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST In tonight's episode of this spin-off of the classic '90s sitcom, Charlie and five other more-or-less strangers awkwardly talk about what a great guy Ross is while trying to discreetly check the time.

Man Who Just Received Complimentary Daffy Duck Checks Can't Stay Mad At Bank Of America

American Voices: U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan

The Senate Appropriations Committee voted 30-0 to cut aid to Pakistan by $33 million after the country’s government arrested and sentenced a doctor who tipped off the United States to Osama bin Laden's location.

[video] Romney To Undergo Gender Reassignment Surgery To Better Connect With Women Voters

Joe Biden plans to honor fallen U.S. soldiers by jumping his motorcycle over the Vietnam Memorial, Thomas the Tank Engine is a little uneasy with his broad autistic following, and a friend who said goodbye 10 minutes ago is still on Gchat.

Magazine: 10 Ways To Wow Slovenian Philosopher Slavoj Žižek In Bed

10 Ways To Wow Slovenian Philosopher Slavoj Žižek In Bed

Thomas The Tank Engine A Little Uneasy With His Broad Autistic Following

ISLAND OF SODOR—Thomas the Tank Engine told reporters Tuesday that while he's glad trains are a source of fascination and joy for so many children, he often feels uncomfortable with the attention he receives from the autistic fans that make up the m

Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial

WASHINGTON—In an effort to honor fallen American soldiers this Memorial Day with a fittingly "badass" tribute, Vice President Joe Biden has announced plans to jump a motorcycle over the entire length of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. Biden

Reggie Bush Listed As Product For Sale On Nike's Web Site

American Voices: Suspect Arrested In Etan Patz Case

A suspect in the 1979 disappearance of 6-year-old Etan Patz, the first missing child to be put on a milk carton, was taken into custody. What do you think? I guess I can stop carrying that milk carton around now. Peter BeymerTool Planner After all those years of wondering whether they were cut out to be investigators, this must be a huge relief for the police. Rex HellmanMachinist Apprentice I've hoped and prayed for this day. Wait, sorry, wrong missing kid. Adrienne CooleyRetort Unloader

Statshot: Least Popular Hotel Perks

Least Popular Hotel Perks

Development Exec Wants To See What, Where, How That Would Look, Live, Play Out

Infographic: Skechers To Pay For Dubious Fitness Claims

Shoe company Skechers, whose rounded-bottom Shape-Up brand was purported to have been good for weight loss and overall fitness, has been ordered by the Federal Trade Commission to pay out more than $40 million in refunds. Here are some other recent FTC decisions: Nintendo: Ordered to pay $10 million because FTC Chairman Jon Leibowitz thought Super Mario Galaxy 2 was way too hard Taco Bell: Forced to pay $0.99 to Kyle Parker of Louisville, KY, for not being as Mexilicious as the static cling sticker on the window promised Kraft: Fined $215 million for failing to disclose the grisly consequences of consuming Lunchables after 3 p.m. Red Bull: Refunded $4.24 to truck driver Craig Peterson, who drove from Seattle to Miami without feeling particularly awake Slim Jim: Paid $1.99 to Rob Paulo after he snapped into the product only to find some weird red stuff leaking out 1-800-FLOWERS: All customers of the floral retail site are eligible for a $5 refund after a class-action lawsuit decided in favor of the plaintiffs who were successfully able to show that flowers are merely an empty gesture Georgia-Pacific: Ordered to include disclaimer that wrapping fists and biceps in Brawny paper towels provides no advantage in a bar fight CBS: Ordered to pay $20 million for continuously jerking viewers around about who the mother is on How I Met Your Mother

Visiting Parents Unknowingly Strike Up Conversation With Parents Of Dorm's Blowjob Queen

BOSTON— As they helped their son move out of Boston University's Warren Towers dormitory Wednesday, the parents of student Jay Wiernick struck up a conversation with the parents of fellow student Elaine Marcone, reportedly oblivious to the fact that the Marcones' 19-year-old daughter was the residence hall's blowjob queen. "I wonder if Jay's ever met her," said Lori Wiernick in reference to the freshman who, unbeknownst to Wiernick, was known throughout the 1,800-room dormitory for giving blowjobs to pretty much anyone who asked, sometimes to two guys at once. "Her parents said she was pre-med, right? Like Jay? I bet they've at least had one lab together. I'll ask him." According to sources, the Marcones were equally unaware that the Wiernicks' son was widely acknowledged as the dorm's blowjob king.

[audio] Nation's Cotton Candy Crop Ravaged By Carnival Weevils

Nation's Cotton Candy Crop Ravaged By Carnival Weevils

Tim Tebow Impressing Broncos With Absence

TV Listings: B

ABC 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST In the tradition of ABC's B-related shows GCB and Don’t Trust The B---- In Apt 23 comes a show about a total B.

Corrections: Flawlessness

Although The Onion did not make any mistakes in yesterday's newspaper, we still have to fill this space with text lest we leave a glaring blank section.

American Voices: Egypt Holds First Presidential Elections

Fifteen months after Egyptian ruler Hosni Mubarak was deposed, Egyptians voted in their first-ever free presidential elections.

Memphis Airport Panda Express Takes Over As Nation's Most Depressing Place

MEMPHIS, TN—With its combination of flickering fluorescent lights, seats facing a Delta security checkpoint, and day-old lo mein noodles sticking to its teal-colored tiled floors, Memphis Airport's Panda Express is now the the nation's most depressi

Friend Who Said Goodbye 10 Minutes Ago Still On Gchat

Kennedy Family Releases List Of Tragic Ways Remaining Members Could Die

HYANNIS PORT, MA—Following last week's tragic loss of yet another family member, the grieving Kennedys released a list of numerous heartbreaking ways the dynasty's remaining living relatives could die, sources confirmed Tuesday. This list, which is

Scientists Find Thousands Of Previously Undiscovered Species Cowering In Amazon Rainforest

MANAUS, BRAZIL—A team of scientists studying the Amazon Rainforest announced the remarkable discovery this week of thousands of previously undiscovered mammals, reptiles, birds and other species desperately cowering for dear life under rocks

Success Of I'll Have Another Making Nation's Other 3-Year-Olds Feel Inadequate

Stockwatch: Photostat Inc. (PHO)

$14.72 (+$1.30) (-9.7%) Acquisition rumors have created buzz for this social-media startup that restores digitally yellowed and mottled photos to clear and bright quality images worthy of today's cameras.

American Voices: Posthumously-Conceived Children Get No Benefits

Children conceived via in-vitro fertilization after their father's death aren't guaranteed Social Security survivors insurance benefits, the Supreme Court ruled Monday in a case that highlights the growing legal challenges posed by modern medicine.

David Ortiz Claims He Just Saw Submarine In Kansas City Royals Fountain

KANSAS CITY, MO—Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz excitedly informed everyone in his team's dugout that he had just spotted a submarine splashing around in the Kauffman Stadium fountain behind the outfield fence in Kansas City, sources confirmed

[video] First Academy Awards Celebrates Best Actor In Blackface, Biggest Jew Nose

The Onion reflects on Bette Davis’s film debut as a piece of chocolate cake, Lindbergh’s historic flight across the Atlantic Ocean after decades of disastrous test runs with dog pilots, and the opening of the first McDonald’s with a young Grimace just starting out as a cashier.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of May 22, 2012

Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad

Opinion: Come On! There Has To Be One Person In This Goddamn School Who's Been Molested (by Ted Bartlett)

By Ted Bartlett, Guidance Counselor

[video] Charles Lindbergh Completes First Flight Across Atlantic Ocean After Decades Of Disastrous Test Runs With Dog Pilots

The Onion looks back at Alabama's first desegregated mass suicide, the historic V.E. Day Speech from FDR's rotting corpse, and the completion of the transcontinental railroad with the gold-plated femur of a Chinaman.

[audio] Computer Hacker Denied Access To Social Life

Computer Hacker Denied Access To Social Life

Pau Gasol Blamed For Making Kobe Bryant Sound Like Asshole

Cool Basketball Fan Calls Sport 'B-Ball'

HOBBS, NM—According to friends of the man, area cool basketball fan Kip Conroy calls the sport "b-ball," even though that is not the sport’s official name. "Kip's always like, 'Want to play some b-ball?' or 'Did you se

TV Listings: News Team 9 Adventures

Cartoon 3:00 p.m. EST/2:00 p.m. CST Adam, Sarah, Skip, and the rest of the team at the Boise-area NBC affiliate investigate property tax allocations in this all-new animated series.

American Voices: Study Logs 2,000 Wrongful Convictions

A new database assembled by two universities has identified more than 2,000 wrongful convictions overturned in the last 23 years, at an average of 11 years each.

TV Listings: The Skeet Shooter

NBC 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Davy Anthony must protect his happily unaware family from a rogue skeet that could fly out from any direction at any time.