XYDO.COM: top articles for The Onion http://www.xydo.com SANFORD, FL—Saying he remained firmly committed to the importance of community safety, George Zimmerman told reporters Monday he was by no means going to shirk his usual neighborhood watch duties simply because of one unpleasant episode. http://www.theonion.com/articles/george-zimmerman-not-going-to-let-one-bad-experien,28722/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/george-zimmerman-not-going-to-let-one-bad-experien,28722/ On Today Now!, a consumer expert shows Jim a new Applebee's commercial that urges young people to come and mock their restaurants. http://www.theonion.com/video/new-ad-urges-hipsters-to-go-to-applebees-ironicall,28721/ http://www.theonion.com/video/new-ad-urges-hipsters-to-go-to-applebees-ironicall,28721/ The Monster In Our Midst http://www.theonion.com/articles/editorial-cartoon-april-7-2008,12340/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/editorial-cartoon-april-7-2008,12340/ Let Former Olympian Tell You Why This Is The Ultimate Workout Machine http://www.theonion.com/articles/let-former-olympian-tell-you-why-this-is-the-ultim,22333/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/let-former-olympian-tell-you-why-this-is-the-ultim,22333/ Republican Mitt Romney's presidential campaign took in $106 million in June, or roughly $3.5 million a day, breaking a fundraising record for the second consecutive month. What do you think? Wow, people must really love Romney! Chelsea ParizoAccountant I threw in 50 bucks to attend one of his fundraisers, but that’s just because I wanted to meet Jeff Foxworthy. Christopher BroadwayEmergency Room Doctor As long as he's happy, I don't care how much money he makes in a day. Lauren WalshSystems Analyst http://www.theonion.com/articles/romney-raises-recordbreaking-106-million,28720/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/romney-raises-recordbreaking-106-million,28720/ BRISTOL, CT—Lazy ESPN.com editors posted the poll question "Do you like sports?" on the website's homepage yesterday, offering "yes" or "no" as the only two response options. http://www.theonion.com/articles/lazy-espncom-poll-asks-readers-if-they-like-sports,18274/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/lazy-espncom-poll-asks-readers-if-they-like-sports,18274/ NEW YORK—Frustrated fans of the Superman comic book said Monday the continued financial stability and cultural relevance of the series' Daily Planet newspaper is now the most unrealistic part of its universe and an annoying distraction http://www.theonion.com/articles/economically-healthy-daily-planet-now-most-unreali,28718/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/economically-healthy-daily-planet-now-most-unreali,28718/ Google Steps In To Help U.S. With Google Navy 12948 http://o.onionstatic.com/audio/articles/article/12948/07-046-Google-Navy_F.mp3 March 16, 2007, 2:01 a.m. google-steps-in-to-help-us-with-google-navy http://www.theonion.com/audio/roommate-eats-emergency-preparedness-kit,28716/ http://www.theonion.com/audio/roommate-eats-emergency-preparedness-kit,28716/ Discovery 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT With the help of photography and narration, viewers will get a little smarter in the giraffe department. http://www.theonion.com/articles/giraffes-of-the-kalahari,28685/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/giraffes-of-the-kalahari,28685/ BRISTOL, CT—For the past six months, the columns and essays written by ESPN's Rick Reilly, including "Why Michael Vick Deserves Redemption More Than I Do," "The Hot Stove And Why I Want To Put My Head In It," and "Caddying F http://www.theonion.com/articles/rick-reilly-columns-increasingly-laden-with-cries,19336/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/rick-reilly-columns-increasingly-laden-with-cries,19336/ Dana Alvarez and Ryan Coffman tied the knot Saturday night at Beef ‘O’ Brady’s just to get that drunken Unification Church officiate off their goddamn backs. http://www.theonion.com/articles/dana-alvarez-and-ryan-coffman,28715/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/dana-alvarez-and-ryan-coffman,28715/ Grandpa Used As Yard Sale Greeter http://www.theonion.com/articles/grandpa-used-as-yard-sale-greeter,28714/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/grandpa-used-as-yard-sale-greeter,28714/ CIUDAD JUÁREZ, MEXICO—Community advocates in Ciudad Juárez, Mexico, announced Tuesday the launch of a new intervention program aimed at reaching out to impressionable drug lords at high risk for becoming involved in cartels. "Drug lords' millions of dollars, control of ruthless paramilitary forces, and ownership of thousands of marijuana plantations make them by far the most vulnerable recruiting target for cartels," said program coordinator Jorge Garc'a Botella, adding that drug lords typically lack the kinds of positive role models who might encourage them to use their vast networks of smuggling tunnels more constructively. "Cartels provide drug lords with the sense of belonging they crave, but then these groups exploit them, using them for the influence they have over corrupt government officials." Garc'a Botella warned that if no one intervenes, most narcotics kingpins will end up becoming just another statistic responsible for 20 percent of all the cocaine smuggled through Mexico. http://www.theonion.com/articles/mexican-program-aims-to-reach-drug-lords-before-th,28713/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/mexican-program-aims-to-reach-drug-lords-before-th,28713/ Jew-Sponsored Stock Car Booed Off Track http://www.theonion.com/articles/jewsponsored-stock-car-booed-off-track,9174/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/jewsponsored-stock-car-booed-off-track,9174/ OAKLAND—Following their victory against the Texas Rangers last night, Oakland A's starting pitchers Greg Smith, Dana Eveland, and Justin Duchscherer made their way over to their favorite post-game hangout, The Strike Zone, where they sat in their usual booth and were greeted by the restaurant's owner/ventriloquist, a colorful character known to them only as Mack. "Just the usual Zone Burger for me, Mack," said Eveland just as the pitchers' popular cheerleading girlfriends Kristen, Jenny, and Liza arrived and took seats next to their respective boyfriends. "You know, I think we all learned something valuable from last night's game. Sure, wins are important, but there's nothing more important than being honest, staying off drugs, and hanging with your friends. Oh, and not throwing parties in the stadium when [A's owner] Mr. Wolf is out of town. Let's never make that mistake again!" The good times were interrupted when rival pitchers from the Los Angeles Angels stormed in, taunted the A's girlfriends, and loudly proclaimed that a victory in next week's big game was all but certain—unless the A's had some wacky scheme up their sleeves. http://www.theonion.com/articles/as-pitchers-meet-up-at-cool-pitcher-hangout-called,6221/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/as-pitchers-meet-up-at-cool-pitcher-hangout-called,6221/ Last week this publication announced it was moving New York to Chicago. That statement was incorrect. http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-york-to-chicago,28710/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-york-to-chicago,28710/ Everyone On Camping Trip Dragged There By Someone Else http://www.theonion.com/articles/everyone-on-camping-trip-dragged-there-by-someone,28709/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/everyone-on-camping-trip-dragged-there-by-someone,28709/ Professor Andrew J. Hammerstein Defeats Dr. Goldwater In Mixed Martial Arts And Sciences Championship http://www.theonion.com/articles/professor-andrew-j-hammerstein-defeats-dr-goldwate,22661/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/professor-andrew-j-hammerstein-defeats-dr-goldwate,22661/ LOS ANGELES—Saying he didn't want to go overboard but thought it would be a pretty good investment considering his line of work, veteran actor George Clooney told reporters Wednesday he's been thinking about just going ahead and buying his own tuxed http://www.theonion.com/articles/george-clooney-beginning-to-think-he-should-buy-hi,28706/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/george-clooney-beginning-to-think-he-should-buy-hi,28706/ Smirking Skip Bayless Knows Full Well He's Wrong http://www.theonion.com/articles/smirking-skip-bayless-knows-full-well-hes-wrong,24584/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/smirking-skip-bayless-knows-full-well-hes-wrong,24584/ This week's Strongside/Weakside Classic explores the wonder that was Julius Erving. http://www.theonion.com/articles/dr-j,8343/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/dr-j,8343/ PHILADELPHIA—8-year-old Easton, PA Little Leaguer Tyler Jenson and 31-year-old professional baseball player Pat Burrell were given identical tips on improving their swings and properly hitting a baseball Monday night. "Remember to keep your elbow up, keep your knees bent, and keep your eye on the ball," said both 45-year-old hardware-store manager and father of three Dale Kremke and retired Major League Baseball veteran of 18 years Milt Thompson to the two struggling hitters. "Watch the ball out of the pitcher's hand, and just meet the ball with the bat. Come on, now, just takes one." Both Burrell and Jenson struck out in their next at bat and returned to their respective dugouts in tears. http://www.theonion.com/articles/8yearold-little-leaguer-31yearold-professional-giv,6171/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/8yearold-little-leaguer-31yearold-professional-giv,6171/ The rock guitarist's longtime housekeeper says she is truly shocked she has not yet checked for a pulse and failed to find one. WESTON, CT—Since her first day on the job in October 1976, Keith Richards' housekeeper Rosemary Velasquez, 64, has mentally and emotionally prepared herself every single day to find the hard-living Rolling Stones guitarist lying dead somewhere in his home. "Each morning before I leave for work, I look in the mirror, take a deep breath, and think to myself, 'Rosemary, you could very well find Keith Richards' dead body today," Velasquez told reporters Thursday, adding that from the moment she was first hired by a "nearly comatose" Richards, she began steeling herself for the inevitable discovery of the guitarist's wiry corpse in his bedroom or kitchen. "It's never been a question of if I would find him dead, but where and how soon." Velasquez said her workday begins as she pulls into Richards' driveway and braces herself for the potential sight of his stark-naked cadaver sprawled out on his front lawn. From there, after gathering her supplies, she takes a quick peek into the backyard, where she fears she will find Richards floating lifelessly face down in his swimming pool. The housekeeper said that as she goes about her work, she takes a moment to collect herself before opening every door and pulling back each shower curtain. If a door is locked, she noted, she leaves it be and prays it's not locked the next day. According to Velasquez, anytime she smells an odor other than alcohol or stale cigarette smoke, she immediately imagines a scenario in which the odor gets stronger and stronger, leading her to a closet with a week-old dead body inside. "In the late '70s, especially, there were a few close calls where I would find little droplets of Mr. Richards' blood leading to his bedroom, and I would tell myself, 'Today is the day,'" Velasquez said. "He'd usually be lying there with a needle sticking out of his arm, but somehow he would always still be breathing. So I would call an ambulance." "I've had to call 911 at least 30 times since I started working here," she added. "I have to admit, over the years there's been a lot more gunplay around this place than I'd care for." Besides resigning herself to one day stumbling discovering Richards' corpse, the housekeeper of 36 years said she has also remained alert to the possibility of stumbling across the dead bodies of his bandmates and friends. She confirmed there have been several mornings on which she's found a heap of naked bodies in the living room, all belonging to people who were unconscious but not dead. In addition, during the mid-'80s Velasquez reportedly had to check for Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts' heartbeat so many times she memorized every place on the human body where it is possible to check for a pulse. "It's a lot of anxiety to go through on a daily basis," she said, mentioning times when she was certain shouting matches between Richards and former girlfriend Anita Pallenberg would lead to the housekeeper finding either Richards, Pallenberg, or both murdered or dead as a result of some bizarre suicide pact. "When I leave each evening, I worry that Mr. Richards will forget he turned the oven on, or that he'll drink too much, or that he'll have a relapse, or that his heart will just stop." Added Velasquez, "There are just so many ways for this man to die." Even though Richards is no longer the heavy drug user he once was, Velasquez said the likelihood of finding him dead today is probably about the same as it was in the 1970s. "Mr. Richards is old enough now he could die from natural causes, which is a possibility I never would have imagined 30 years ago," the housekeeper said. "Personally, I kind of wish he would just die already, because his lifestyle has certainly taken its toll on my health." At the end of her interview, Velasquez paused a while to gather herself, saying, "Well, it's time for me to go to work." http://www.theonion.com/articles/keith-richards-housekeeper-has-braced-herself-for,28708/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/keith-richards-housekeeper-has-braced-herself-for,28708/ CHICAGO—Over the past several weeks, longtime Cubs organist Gary Pressy has gradually stopped playing the light ballpark-organ riffs that typically fill Wrigley Field's stands in favor of more broody, chilling songs. "I have to say that lately the sounds coming out of that organ have made me anxious and sad and in no mood to clap along," said season-ticket holder Mike Preston, adding that instead of playing "Hava Nagila" or using his organ to start a "Let's Go Cubs" chant, Pressy will strike an oppressive minor chord and sustain the unsettling tone for up to an entire minute. "Yesterday he played a really slow fugue on 'Take Me Out to the Ball Game' in this dark, funereal key. It was haunting." When asked for comment, Pressy drove reporters away by playing a demented arrangement of "Happy Birthday" on his newly installed 20,000-pipe, seven-story-tall organ. http://www.theonion.com/articles/cubs-organ-player-getting-into-heavier-darker-stuf,17597/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/cubs-organ-player-getting-into-heavier-darker-stuf,17597/ A string of poorly received performances forces a sock puppet to return to a foot, a study shows that 85% of Americans don't know all of the dance moves to the national anthem, and Keith Richards' housekeeper has braced herself for finding a dead body ever morning since 1976. It's the week of July 2nd, 2012. http://www.theonion.com/video/obama-slips-hope-into-speech-for-the-fans,28712/ http://www.theonion.com/video/obama-slips-hope-into-speech-for-the-fans,28712/ Google Steps In To Help U.S. With Google Navy 12948 http://o.onionstatic.com/audio/articles/article/12948/07-046-Google-Navy_F.mp3 March 16, 2007, 2:01 a.m. google-steps-in-to-help-us-with-google-navy http://www.theonion.com/audio/offduty-weatherman-delights-seniors-with-impromptu,28689/ http://www.theonion.com/audio/offduty-weatherman-delights-seniors-with-impromptu,28689/ Girlfriend Refers To Fans As Audience http://www.theonion.com/articles/girlfriend-refers-to-fans-as-audience,23384/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/girlfriend-refers-to-fans-as-audience,23384/ Winning the gold in international amateur competition is its own reward, but participating nations have found other ways to show their appreciation. North Korea: Winners will receive, um, this chunk of wood over here, and this busted remote control, and, what's that over there? A radio dial? Yeah, some sort of radio dial. Morocco: Pretty simple. Samir Azzimani, the lone athlete representing Morocco, either wins or has his head chopped off USA: Winners receive a week of adulation, get interviewed on a late-night talk show or two, appear in a few terrible commercials, and then fade into obscurity until their Olympic records are mentioned in their obituaries Norway: All any Norse competitor worth his salt really wants is an even taller mountain to ski down Sweden: Government is unable to realistically offer athletes anything that would make their lives better than just sitting back and living in Sweden Germany: Awarded one of the nation's 50 annual smiles Texas: Huge belt buckle with words "I SHOWED THEM AMERICANS" in rhinestones Belarus: Authority to govern the voblast of their choice, whether it be Brest Voblast, Gomel Voblast, Grodno Voblast, Mogilev Voblast, Minsk Voblast, or even Vitebsk Voblast China: Fresh pile of straw for cramped Olympian pen Poland: Free tickets to 2010 Winter Olympics http://www.theonion.com/articles/international-olympic-medal-incentives,8675/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/international-olympic-medal-incentives,8675/ Richard Janosch and Carla DeVore were married Saturday after realizing they were probably breaking up so often because it wasn't illegal. http://www.theonion.com/articles/richard-janosch-and-carla-devore,28705/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/richard-janosch-and-carla-devore,28705/ NEW YORK—The American people announced plans Monday to put on the Olympics, turn the volume down to a barely audible level, and leave the http://www.theonion.com/articles/nation-to-leave-olympics-on-in-background,6255/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/nation-to-leave-olympics-on-in-background,6255/ Report: That One Of Those Outfits Where It Okay To See Bra Strap http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-that-one-of-those-outfits-where-it-okay-to,28703/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-that-one-of-those-outfits-where-it-okay-to,28703/ Georgia police were so confident Marshall was the man who killed young Janet Kelly in a state bear preserve, they didn't investigate other suspects. 00:00:00.000,00:00:03.000 Captions by www.SubPLY.com . . . . . . . . . . . . . 00:00:06.840,00:00:09.340 DNA evidence has freed a Panola, Georgia man today, 00:00:09.440,00:00:11.410 after 12 years in Federal Prison. 00:00:11.710,00:00:14.580 James Marshall was sentenced to life without parole in 1996 00:00:14.880,00:00:17.680 for the mauling death of a state park hiker, Janet Kelly. 00:00:18.020,00:00:21.620 I took one look at him and I knew he was the man that mauled and ate my daughter. 00:00:21.990,00:00:24.730 Now that he's locked up, I pray to God that people can camp 00:00:25.130,00:00:27.190 in that bear preserve without fearing for their safety. 00:00:27.530,00:00:30.370 Throughout his time in prison Mr. Marshall maintained his innocence 00:00:30.660,00:00:33.380 claiming his jaws were not powerful enough to have inflicted 00:00:33.490,00:00:35.660 the six inch deep bites covering Ms. Kelly's body, 00:00:35.760,00:00:39.500 and that he did not eat Ms. Kelly's entire left leg and lower torso, as charged. 00:00:39.840,00:00:42.610 Panola police expressed shock at the news, as the evidence 00:00:42.980,00:00:45.750 against Mr. Marshall had been overwhelmingly strong. 00:00:45.910,00:00:49.180 Marshall worked as a guide at the Panola State Park Visitor's Center, 00:00:49.280,00:00:52.380 And was definitively placed within a mile of the crime scene 00:00:52.590,00:00:55.360 the day after the murder. Even though employees had been warned against 00:00:55.460,00:00:58.050 entering the park due to a rash of bear attacks at the time. 00:00:58.150,00:01:00.160 The jury took just 20 minutes to reach a verdict 00:01:00.460,00:01:03.930 which most attributed to the perverse nature of the murder's details, 00:01:04.370,00:01:06.700 which included a half eaten fish found at the crime scene, 00:01:06.970,00:01:09.610 leading Mr. Marshall to be known as "The Salmon Killer". 00:01:09.900,00:01:13.370 The killer also scattered huge piles of feces around the campsite. 00:01:13.670,00:01:16.510 They say after he killed Janet, he spent five minutes 00:01:16.840,00:01:19.540 rubbing his hairy back up against a tree to scratch it. 00:01:19.650,00:01:20.520 This man is sick. 00:01:20.850,00:01:24.120 The mauling was so vicious that Janet's funeral was closed casket. 00:01:24.450,00:01:28.090 Buried with her was the last photograph she took before she died. 00:01:28.190,00:01:30.890 A self portrait of her and two bear cubs. 00:01:31.060,00:01:35.510 However, the DNA evidence has not exonerated Mr. Marshall of a larceny charge 00:01:35.760,00:01:39.600 for tearing off the trunk of Ms. Kelly's car in order to get to the food inside. 00:01:39.900,00:01:43.970 Mr. Marshall faces a $5,000 fine for that crime. 00:01:44.240,00:01:47.680 The Panola Police Department today apologized for the inconvenience they caused him, 00:01:48.010,00:01:52.650 and say they plan to reopen the case and "find the black man who did this". 00:01:52.750,00:01:56.590 Moving on, the Bob Dole foundation is awarding scholarships to students 00:01:56.880,00:01:58.920 who show potential to know who Bob Dole is. 00:01:59.220,00:02:02.290 Still Ahead This Hour: BREAST MILK RECALL AFFECTS 00:02:02.590,00:02:05.060 ALL OF 405 PINE ST., YAKIMA, WA http://www.theonion.com/video/dna-evidence-frees-black-man-convicted-of-bear-att,14323/ http://www.theonion.com/video/dna-evidence-frees-black-man-convicted-of-bear-att,14323/ CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Local man Gary Crawford reportedly sneaked in a quick mid-snack nibble Thursday, devouring an Oreo cookie to pacify an intense craving the 46-year-old experienced while munching from a box of Cheez-It crackers. "I started feeling hungry between chews and had a hankering for something sweet, so I figured slipping an Oreo in there might just hit the spot," Crawford said. "It definitely helped tide me over until the next handful of Cheez-Its." Crawford confirmed that after finishing the crackers he enjoyed a post-snack pork-out by gnawing on a summer sausage. http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-sneaks-in-midsnack-nibble,28704/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-sneaks-in-midsnack-nibble,28704/ PROVIDENCE, RI—According to a survey released Tuesday by psychologists at Brown University, couples in the United States have been going through a bit of a rough patch lately, and if something doesn't change, and change soon, the future of their rel http://www.theonion.com/articles/nations-couples-hit-rough-spell,28702/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/nations-couples-hit-rough-spell,28702/ Travel 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT In an unexpectedly candid look at what it takes to survive on the open road, host Thad Blankenship blows some guy so he can sleep in his truck. http://www.theonion.com/articles/hitchin,28683/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/hitchin,28683/ Man On Hot Date Suddenly Realizes He's Wearing Swastika Boxer Shorts His Mom Got Him http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-on-hot-date-suddenly-realizes-hes-wearing-swas,28692/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-on-hot-date-suddenly-realizes-hes-wearing-swas,28692/ Meatless Chili Last week's food section included a recipe for meatless chili, but it turns out meat is pretty important for chili not to taste terrible. The Onion apologizes on behalf of all vegetarians. http://www.theonion.com/articles/meatless-chili,28698/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/meatless-chili,28698/ Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney's approval rating is way up after a prostitute reveals she paid Romney to sleep with her, not the other way around. (Aired 11/1/11) http://www.theonion.com/video/romneys-numbers-skyrocket-after-prostitute-reveals,28711/ http://www.theonion.com/video/romneys-numbers-skyrocket-after-prostitute-reveals,28711/ SAN JOSE, CA—According to sources stopped at the corner of Fourth and St. James Streets, the man driving the custom-painted 2002 Honda Civic with speakers blasting Sean Paul must be coming from someplace much, much cooler. "My God, the racing decals, that chest-thumping bass, those sunglasses inverted so as to rest upon the back of his head. What kind of totally badass place did this guy just leave, and how do I get there myself?" said Dan Singleman, awestruck even to be in the presence of a man reclined so far back in the driver's seat. "Just look at him. The fact that his rear window is tinted makes me wonder if there are additional cool people sitting in the back who do not wish to be seen by those who are less cool." Judging by the burnout the man just performed, Singleman said he could only assume the driver must also be on his way to someplace very cool. http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-who-pulls-up-with-music-pumping-probably-comin,28701/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-who-pulls-up-with-music-pumping-probably-comin,28701/ Historians say the energetic, multipart dance routine was once a vital American tradition. BOSTON—According to a survey published Wednesday by historians at Boston University, more than 85 percent of Americans are unfamiliar with the upbeat, traditional dance routine intended to accompany the singing of the national anthem. Once taught in the nation's elementary schools, showcased at the start of all sporting events, and included as part of the exam for new U.S. citizens, the patriotic kicks, dips, waves, and twirls from "The Star-Spangled Banner" have nearly vanished from the public consciousness over the past century, the study found. "From a historical perspective, it came as quite a shock that nearly nine out of 10 Americans could not recall more than a single step of what was, for many years, an essential part of civic life," said Kenneth P. O'Neill, who co-authored the report. "Most people are familiar with the dance's iconic first move, placing one's right hand over one's heart. But when we asked them what comes next—placing the left hand over the right and pumping back and forth—people had no idea what we were talking about." In the original choreography of Francis Scott Key, the lawyer and vivacious dancer who also penned "The Star-Spangled Banner," singers begin the second line of the song by holding a salute while marching in place. Then, when "Whose broad stripes" is sung, they jump into a slightly wider than shoulder-width stance, put a hand on their hip, and slowly point across the horizon, pantomiming Key's view the morning of Sept. 14, 1814, when he awoke to see the U.S. flag still waving over Fort McHenry after a British naval bombardment. America's Forgotten Dance "Surprisingly, we found very few people who knew that once the song gets to 'O'er the ramparts we watched,' you're supposed to face the person on your right, fold your arms, plant your right foot, and kick around in a clockwise three-quarter circle," said O'Neill, gracefully demonstrating the move in a traditional red, white, and blue national-anthem cape. "This sequence puts you in the right position for 'And the rockets' red glare'!" "That's when you shimmy like there's no tomorrow," he added. Despite the fact that there has been an official choreography in place since 1916, when Woodrow Wilson ordered "The Star-Spangled Banner" be performed at all state functions, there have been several updates and revisions to suit the needs of the times. A relatively tame tap dance to 'Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there,' popular through World War I, later morphed into a more provocative free-form sway emblematic of the Jazz Age. In 1931, when it became clear the elaborate semaphore flag routine performed to 'O! Say does that star-spangled banner yet wave' had gone out of style, Herbert Hoover signed a resolution replacing it with a peppy jazz square, which was thenceforth known as the "Hoover Shuffle." "What has sadly eluded nearly everyone's memory is not only these changes, but also the all-important grand finale during the routine's emotional climax," O'Neill said. "On the last line of the song, the singers leap into the air as high as they can, thrust a fist toward the sky, and land in a split." "On one hand, I suppose it's unfortunate the majority of U.S. citizens are not aware of the rich tradition of movement that informs our expressions of patriotism," he continued, adding that before long finding someone who can dance the national anthem might be as rare as meeting someone who knows his state's handshake. "But we also shouldn't forget there is still a small group of individuals working to keep those traditions alive." O'Neill made a point of praising presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, who along with his 12-member step crew, "Shade," has consistently whipped crowds into a frenzy on the campaign trail. http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-study-finds-85-of-americans-dont-know-all-the,28697/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-study-finds-85-of-americans-dont-know-all-the,28697/ Historians say the energetic, multipart dance routine was once a vital American tradition. BOSTON—According to a survey published Wednesday by historians at Boston University, more than 85 percent of Americans are unfamiliar with the upbeat, traditional dance routine intended to accompany the singing of the national anthem. Once taught in the nation's elementary schools, showcased at the start of all sporting events, and included as part of the exam for new U.S. citizens, the patriotic kicks, dips, waves, and twirls from "The Star-Spangled Banner" have nearly vanished from the public consciousness over the past century, the study found. "From a historical perspective, it came as quite a shock that nearly nine out of 10 Americans could not recall more than a single step of what was, for many years, an essential part of civic life," said Kenneth P. O'Neill, who co-authored the report. "Most people are familiar with the dance's iconic first move, placing one's right hand over one's heart. But when we asked them what comes next—placing the left hand over the right and pumping back and forth—people had no idea what we were talking about." In the original choreography of Francis Scott Key, the lawyer and vivacious dancer who also penned "The Star-Spangled Banner," singers begin the second line of the song by holding a salute while marching in place. Then, when "Whose broad stripes" is sung, they jump into a slightly wider than shoulder-width stance, put a hand on their hip, and slowly point across the horizon, pantomiming Key's view the morning of Sept. 14, 1814, when he awoke to see the U.S. flag still waving over Fort McHenry after a British naval bombardment. America's Forgotten Dance "Surprisingly, we found very few people who knew that once the song gets to 'O'er the ramparts we watched,' you're supposed to face the person on your right, fold your arms, plant your right foot, and kick around in a clockwise three-quarter circle," said O'Neill, gracefully demonstrating the move in a traditional red, white, and blue national-anthem cape. "This sequence puts you in the right position for 'And the rockets' red glare'!" "That's when you shimmy like there's no tomorrow," he added. Despite the fact that there has been an official choreography in place since 1916, when Woodrow Wilson ordered "The Star-Spangled Banner" be performed at all state functions, there have been several updates and revisions to suit the needs of the times. A relatively tame tap dance to 'Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there,' popular through World War I, later morphed into a more provocative free-form sway emblematic of the Jazz Age. In 1931, when it became clear the elaborate semaphore flag routine performed to 'O! Say does that star-spangled banner yet wave' had gone out of style, Herbert Hoover signed a resolution replacing it with a peppy jazz square, which was thenceforth known as the "Hoover Shuffle." "What has sadly eluded nearly everyone's memory is not only these changes, but also the all-important grand finale during the routine's emotional climax," O'Neill said. "On the last line of the song, the singers leap into the air as high as they can, thrust a fist toward the sky, and land in a split." "On one hand, I suppose it's unfortunate the majority of U.S. citizens are not aware of the rich tradition of movement that informs our expressions of patriotism," he continued, adding that before long finding someone who can dance the national anthem might be as rare as meeting someone who knows his state's handshake. "But we also shouldn't forget there is still a small group of individuals working to keep those traditions alive." O'Neill made a point of praising presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, who along with his 12-member step crew, "Shade," has consistently whipped crowds into a frenzy on the campaign trail. http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-study-finds-85-of-americans-dont-know-all-the,28697/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-study-finds-85-of-americans-dont-know-all-the,28697/ Amazon (AMZN) $218.30 (+$3.57) (+1.7%) Good news for the company came when Dale Paulus, 67, bought a Kindle Fire, as he's one of those ardent guys who goes around saying how much he likes to hold an actual paper book. http://www.theonion.com/articles/amazon-amzn,28693/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/amazon-amzn,28693/ Margaret Jones and Todd Jacobson said their vows in front of friends and family at a large outdoor ceremony in Jefferson Park, and then again in a private voodoo ceremony immediately after. http://www.theonion.com/articles/margaret-jones-and-todd-jacobson,28694/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/margaret-jones-and-todd-jacobson,28694/ Toyota's new Prius Solution reduces its driver's carbon footprint to zero by impaling them through the lungs with spikes as soon as they get in the car. http://www.theonion.com/video/new-prius-helps-environment-by-killing-its-owner,28675/ http://www.theonion.com/video/new-prius-helps-environment-by-killing-its-owner,28675/ String Of Poorly Received Performances Forces Sock Puppet To Return To Foot http://www.theonion.com/articles/string-of-poorly-received-performances-forces-sock,28700/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/string-of-poorly-received-performances-forces-sock,28700/ LOS ANGELES—Former NBA superstar and Hall of Fame center Kareem Abdul-Jabbar confirmed Monday he had finished writing a horror screenplay about a terrifying giant hook that comes from the sky and kills millions of people. http://www.theonion.com/articles/kareem-abduljabbar-completes-horror-movie-script-a,28468/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/kareem-abduljabbar-completes-horror-movie-script-a,28468/ By Jim Anchower http://www.theonion.com/articles/anchowers-gotta-spend-some-time-away,28695/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/anchowers-gotta-spend-some-time-away,28695/ July 3, 2012 Aries Remember, taking drugs is no way to be cool and have fun. Selling drugs is the way to be cool and have fun. Taurus There's almost certainly a more efficient way to get through life, but by this point you're pretty June 19, 2012 Aries Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing June 12, 2012 Aries: It's not the hammer of life that's going to beat you down this week, but the ladle of Kathy Clodmeyer, who is frankly sick of you asking for more gravy. Taurus: If nothing else, next week will certainly be a lesson June 5, 2012 Aries You will receive a mention in an exhaustive New Yorker piece titled "6 Billion To Watch Under 100." Taurus If someone had told you a week ago that there was something better than sex, you wouldn't May 29, 2012 Aries You'll wake up in strangers' beds five times this week, which should be all the proof you need that you should meet more people. Taurus Sometimes it's useful to be literal-minded, but for the love of God, please stop May 22, 2012 Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad May 15, 2012 Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th May 8, 2012 Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo May 1, 2012 Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne http://www.theonion.com/articles/your-horoscopes-week-of-july-3rd-2012,28696/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/your-horoscopes-week-of-july-3rd-2012,28696/ WASHINGTON—In response to mounting pressures from domesticated farm animals, Congress voted Monday to raise the minimum wage for livestock to $6.50 an hour. "A lot of these animals are on their hooves all day pulling 10-hour shifts down at the slaughterhouse," said Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA), who co-sponsored the first livestock minimum-wage increase since 1993. "This bill ensures sheep, goats, chickens, and cows a fair wage, and will allow them to continue putting corn and oats in the trough. The costs of barns, pens, and pastureland have increased—why shouldn't their paychecks?" President Obama said he would sign the bill even though it did not include the tougher regulations he had pushed for to discourage gender-based discrimination in the farmyard. http://www.theonion.com/articles/congress-raises-livestock-minimum-wage-to-650-per,28690/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/congress-raises-livestock-minimum-wage-to-650-per,28690/ Mother's Breast Milk Last Unprocessed Food Item Consumed By Area Man http://www.theonion.com/articles/mothers-breast-milk-last-unprocessed-food-item-con,28691/ http://www.theonion.com/articles/mothers-breast-milk-last-unprocessed-food-item-con,28691/