xoxo .:TMarie:.

Summer Solstice

2013-03-05T14:06:00.001-06:00

The Summer Solstice marked a significant day to me. It was a new day, a new season, a new career, a new life, and a new kind of love to share moving forward with Trae. That summer our new love would only blossom into something I could only have dreamed about in the past.

My new job was awesome! That first week of work was incredible. I immediately felt acceptance with my coworkers. I loved what we did as a company. What I was most excited for was beginning to travel. I would travel to places that we had relationships with community banks and help train their branch managers on how to signup merchants for their new amazing product BaZing.com! I was so anxious to get my feet wet, but it would be months before that would happen. In the meantime, I learned and developed my skill and spent every moment I could with friends and family anticipating a heavy travel schedule to come.

During that period Trae and I went out for many date nights. We went bowling, out to dinner, Honky Tonkin, we went for rides on the Harley. It was pretty amazing. Everything was going so well, we were even throwing around ideas for short little vacations over the summer.
One of the first trips we would take would be an overnight camping trip for the 4th of July to Mammoth Cave. After years of conversing about getting into camping we finally took a big step towards our goal and purchased backpacks, a tent, and all the essentials for that night. It was a super short trip packed full of adventure! We were both so excited about this trip. We packed the backpack the night before. The next day we left a little after lunch for the hour and half road trip to Mammoth Cave on the Harley. I wore the backpack the whole way. I'm not gona lie it was pretty uncomfortable the whole way. But I toughed it out, with a little complaining here and there LOL. When we finally arrived it was about 95 degrees!!!!
We set up the tent and went to grab a bite to eat at the restaurant there. We bought some waters and decided we were going to go for a walk to the lookout. We walked about 2 miles to lookout, rested for a few mins and then headed back to camp because it would soon be dark. I kept telling him that I wanted a fire so we grabbed some wood along the way back. Trae successfully chopped the wood LOL and we got the fire started! We rested on the picnic table and then decided to go to sleep since we were getting up early to go zip-lining and caving. That night was one of the most miserable nights I've had trying to sleep. It was so hot that we kept our rain fly off the tent, but that made everything in the woods around us so much louder. We shared a twin size air mattress laying head to toe trying not to touch each other. But throughout the night as the temperature started to drop I became cold from sweat, I wanted a sheet and I wanted to snuggle up next to him. We did our best to sleep that night but when the sun came up 3 hrs later it was pointless. I would say we got about 2 solid hours of sleep and about 3 naps in. I was ready to shower and pack up everything before our day of adventure got started.

After breakfast we were headed to go zip-lining at Mammoth Cave Adventures. This place was really cool, they offered a lot of different things to do. We chose to do the Primary course which consisted of 5 zip lines. It was so exhilarating feeling to wind hit your face. I would definitely do this again! Afterwards we headed to go have lunch and prepare for our big cave spelunking adventure that afternoon. While sitting there waiting for our cave tour to start I began getting a little nervous. Trae reassured me that I could this and everything was going to be fine. Then my excitement started taking over. We chose the "Introduction to Caving" tour. This was a 3- 3 1/2 hour tour. They gave us all the gear we needed which even included some spiffy coveralls! We hoped on the bus and headed to our entry point. It was a metal door that lead to a flight of 280+ stairs going down about 250 ft below the surface. As we descended I began to feel the temperature change. It was dark but surprisingly dry down there.

There were no creatures lurking in the crevasses other than cave crickets which at first freaked me out because they look like large spiders, but they are harmless and blind! We made our way through the passages off the beaten path and crawled through tight spaces. But it was so much fun! We even experienced what it would be like if we ran out of our light source, and that was the scariest part of it all! It was pitch black. The darkest moment of time I've ever been in. You literally could not even see your hand in front of you. And the craziest part is that your eyes would never adjust to the darkness! As we made our way through the 2 miles of the tour crawling and climbing we soon resurfaced. I felt accomplished! I felt like I had just conquered one of my biggest fears. It was awesome and I thank Trae for awakening the outdoor adventurous side to my soul that had been tucked away since I was kid. Since those days of riding my bike in the woods, and playing in the creeks all day long those many summers ago! We grabbed our first beer of the trip, relaxed and just talked with excitement about our tour, and how we couldn't wait to go again! Life was so amazing at that moment. I had my best friend back!

XOXO .:TMarie:.

.:A Love Worth Fighting For:.

2012-12-11T15:05:00.001-06:00

Everything in my world was moving along smoothly. I just had an amazing weekend in Indy. One of my best friends got engaged. I was so happy for her! One of my closest friends was in town from California to celebrate Tiffany and Jesse's engagement. I was just offered this awesome new job/ career. I was super busy with CMA Fest week. And there it was a text message that stopped me in my tracks. You know, one of those kinda of text messages you only hope for, but never see. The kind that make you question everything no matter how good your life seems. That's what I received that next week. Questions began running through my mind like "Did we do everything we could?" "Do I Love him enough to go back?" "Am I really happy with who I am with now?' "Where does a future stand in my new beginning relationship?" "I gave it my second chance already....do I try again?"
I was so confused, but trying to stay focused at work for training the new employee that was replacing me, and trying to think logically and not with my heart this time. I was a complete mess and not to mention I was beginning one of my busiest months of the year for promotions, CMA Fest, and starting a new job. I didn't need anymore decisions on my plate and I was pretty content with how things were with Tristan. So I entertained some of the text messages and stood my ground on the fact that we had already given it a second chance just a few months ago and it just wasn't working. As much as I knew deep down that I truly loved Trae it was hard for me to walk away from being happy, for the uncertainty of another failing attempt to salvage what it was that we had for so many years.
For a week I juggled the pros and cons and had lunches, dinners, even worked countless promotions with girlfriends and all the while trying to come to some decision. When the last day I was working for CMA Fest rolled around I worked like 12 hrs that day. I was dead tired and Trae was pushing for me to tell him something, anything for that matter, that could give him closure or hope in a future for us. I worked that day with Tiffany, she was kinda the rock to my sanity that week. We had lunch and just talked about everything that I was feeling at that moment. So that night I decided that I needed to see where Tristan's mind was with our relationship and when his answer didn't have much clarity I then took a step back and re-evaluated everything that I was thinking. Was I making the right decision? Little did I know that would be the last time I saw Tristan.
When the fireworks began that Sunday night it was a celebration for the locals that CMA Fest was over! I was so exhausted from such an emotional and busy week. I was looking forward to the following night Monday June 11, when Trae and I would sit down face to face to talk about everything. We agreed to have dinner at Crow's Nest. It was the first time I had seen him in about 2 months. I was immediately overwhelmed with emotions and questions. I wanted answers, not just to the questions I was feeling, but to the questions from everything that went wrong to begin with. Answers to why it took so long, and why now, why not 2 months prior. We sat at that restaurant for 4 hours, laughing, crying, reminiscing it was something that we had never done before. It was a conversation open to anything and everything we wanted to know about each other, whether the past or the present. He was different. His heart was not as cold or locked away like it had always been.
I could feel the genuine love that he was pouring out to me and laying everything on the line for just another chance to make me sincerely happy. I finally got some closure that night as well. Just sitting there across the table from him I could feel my heart pounding telling me what it needed. When he walked me to my car after dinner and put his arms around me to hug me goodbye and kissed my forehead, tears came to my eyes. I loved him so much, I wanted this to happen for so long. I told him that I needed time to think about everything tonight. He told me to do what feels right in my heart. When I drove off, I knew what that answer was, but he didn't.

The next morning when I got work I got a text from Trae that was a simple link to a YouTube video, I had my second recruit starting so I was training two ladies at that point for my last week at Meiko. So I stepped outside to listen to it and it was Jason Mraz, "I Won't Give Up" This made my heart melt, and brought tears to me eyes. The next day Trae and I had lunch together, and then Thursday night we had dinner together. I was inevitably in love with this man and I knew that I was. I never stopped loving him. So what do you do when everything you have ever wanted is standing right in front of you? I hope that you choose to do what I did and....Take a leap of Faith! That's a Love worth fighting for!! I love you Trae Patterson!

.:XOXO TMARIE:.

I've Been Looking for Destiny

2012-12-10T20:55:00.000-06:00

It is amazing how much influence Social Media has on our relationships today. I remember when dating was picking up the phone and calling each other. Now I was faced with losing the person I loved most because of Facebook. Social Media has made people today crazy in believing everything they see or read about the lives of people they know. The public appearance of relationships has never been so important in our lives until now thanks to Social Media. I am definitely at fault to expressing my feelings to the virtual world at times of weakness, but does it help to portray our perfect lives everyday to everyone? Probably not.

Everyone today is so worried about everyone else that they lose sight on something or someone that is worth fighting through all the bullshit for or for the things in life that are normal, like actually seeing each other to hold your relationships and friendships together and not relying on Facebook, Twitter, or any social media sites for that matter. Easter weekend I chose to believe what Facebook portrayed to me and walked away, with out any room for explanation, or reconciliation in the future. That moment of letting go was hard for me to do, but didn't hurt as bad as the first time. I knew that I gave it what I could, and I was happy with my efforts in trying to save us. But the end result lead to a separated path. Reflecting on the opportunities that were before me. I wanted to leave town and move finally.

I began pursuing career opportunities everywhere, along with working a lot of promotions, and spending time with friends and running with Girls on the Run after school charity program. A few weeks later while I was out working one night I met a group of people from out of town. They were temporarily living in Nashville for work. After work that night my friends and I met up to hang out with them. I had such a great time that I decided it wouldn't hurt to get to know one of the guys I met that night. He made me laugh and brought simple happy emotions to my life at that point in time. The chemistry that we had immediately was amazing. The following week he left to go home to visit family, I ran into Trae and Christian after working a promo.

It had been a little over a month since we had seen each other last. I immediately became very emotional, it was so good to see Christian, but words were said between Trae and I that were not nice. I met Christian a few days later for dinner to catch up. We talked about my job opportunities, my new dating interest and of course my relationship with Trae. That was the last subject I wanted to talk about but it was something he knew all to well. He made some great points that night to me that would later help me.

After a week or so I began bringing Tristan around friends and we began dating, everyone really liked how laid back and easy going he was. He was quite a trooper and as sweet as he could be to me. We did a lot of things during the month of May, from Predators playoff games to many nights in Nashville with friends. I took him and his friends to see Chris Nathan play one night and when the song "Girl By the Window" began it shined a light on these lyrics that I love...."I've been looking for destiny, so won't you come rescue me?" I was definitely in need of rescuing. I believed that I had found a simple happiness with Tristan, but was facing the uncertainty of how long the relationship would actually last, knowing he was here in Nashville til the end of the year. I still took that risk, because I had nothing to lose.

We planned on going to Indianapolis for Memorial Day weekend and the Indy 500. I had also been interviewing for jobs in the Nashville area and a few were very promising. We hit the road to Indy for the weekend. It was so much fun, one of best weekends I've had up there. Everyone was very fond of Tristan and I. It was a crazy weekend of no sleep once again. He met a lot of acquaintances through me that weekend and with little to my knowledge would carry over once we were back in Nashville. Its so funny how nice you can be to people and when you turn your back for the slightest moment they can stick a knife in it so fast.

When I got home to Nashville it was a short week of work and on that Friday June 1, I was offered a job I was wanting so bad! I couldn't believe it. It was a job I had been wanting for a while, one that involved travel, and sales. I immediately put in my 2 weeks at Meiko and began counting down the days. I was so excited. That same weekend I received an unexpected text from Trae that would turn everything in my world upside down.

.:XOXO TMARIE:.

Blinded by Love

2012-12-10T17:12:00.000-06:00

There was a lot of thinking still that needed to be done about the future that Trae and I had, if there even was one to think about. He was leaving the next weekend to go snowboarding in Cali for a week, and wasn't going to be home for Valentines day and I was kinda upset about it. I know it was selfish of me to want this after I just had an awesome vacation the weekend before. But I was supposed to go on the trip snowboarding, and work wouldn't let me off for the week. When Valentine's day rolled around, we talked on the phone, and my sister and I went to have dinner together.
But there were no flowers, or cards etc... It wasn't quite how I wanted the evening to go. I laid down to go to sleep that night, lonely and sad because I missed him.
Little did I know the whole day he had been trying to get home to see me before midnight. Around 11:30 pm he called me. I answered and he asked what I was doing....LOL I said "um laying in bed about to go to sleep...what you you doing?" He said ..."did you get the package that I had Zach drop off?" I said, "No ...what package?" He said, "I know its late but he just dropped it off for you and its on your porch will you go get it?" I then got out of bed put on my robe and headed downstairs. When I got to the front door there he was!! I couldn't believe it, I was so incredibly happy that it brought tears to me eyes. He said, "I made it before the day was over...Happy Valentines day" After seeing posts on Facebook all day about flowers, candy, gifts, etc....I then realized it wasn't about all that. It was about being with the person you love. It was the best Valentines Day I've ever had. I couldn't believe he surprised me.
We were happy, the rest of the month there was no fighting etc... he bought a Harley while I was in Atlanta for work over the next weekend! I thought he was crazy for that...I even told him he should of been "ring shopping" while I was out town not "Harley Shopping" he just laughed and said that comes after the next toy... a boat....I said yeah right, if I am around long enough for that. But boys and their toys what can you expect. I was happy for him and I couldn't wait to ride on the back of it myself. The following weekend we celebrated my Birthday with friends at Citizen. Then before you know it another month had passed. It was now March, I moved into my new place in Sylvan park.
We had countless motorcycle rides, Sundays spent at my parents where taught me how to shoot my first handgun, I was really happy. I thought he was too. We were almost inseparable. I had asked my friend Amy if she could get me tickets to the Kings vs Predators game so I could surprise him with a date night. She was so awesome and hooked me up with seats on the glass.... He was so excited and couldn't believe how awesome the seats were and that they were behind the Kings bench.
Everything was so blissful until social media took its toll on our relationship. One of the worst feelings ever is to know how much you love someone, and see that they may be happier with out you. Or not knowing the truth behind posts that people displayed along with things that were purposing hidden from you to be able to see. How do you feel about it, what do you say about it? I questioned everything up until that point if it was true, if the emotional connection that we had was true. I had already bought us tickets to the opening show at midnight for the Hunger Games. It was a movie that we had both been looking forward to after reading the books. I battled every single emotion that night before going to the movie, Heartache, Love, Anger, Sadness, Regret, Hope, Fear, Anxiety, Guilt, Anticipation, Excitement and the list goes on.
We talked, we argued, frustrated with each other about everything and if sincerely we were ready to move forward. But all with the fear of letting go once more. I didn't know what else to do but to go see the movie, because I knew there was no one else in the world I would rather be with at that moment.
But the next morning would make for a different outcome...The one where I faced my fears and walked away, giving him the space once more and moving on. I had done everything I thought I could possibly do to save what we had. It just wasn't enough at that point in time. When Easter weekend rolled around he left to go out of town and couldn't compromise plans to spend part of it with me, it pretty much closed the book on Trae and I. I knew from that point that there was no saving us. I needed to do what was best for me, for my happiness.

.:XOXO TMARIE:.

Super Bowl XLVI

2012-12-10T14:49:00.001-06:00

After the wedding, the fighting began. We argued for days about what we were, what we were doing with each other. All the normal questions that arise after you hit a certain point in a relationship. Then questioning trust, loyalty, and faithfulness became topics that inevitably was tearing us apart. We weren't ready, or he wasn't ready. I was completely ready for us to move forward but could feel the doubt in his presence whether or not he had given up the past, the urge to be single and in the game. This was OK for him to feel, but was it healthy for us? No. I needed time away to think or not to think, but to just be away. Luckily I had planned the previous summer that I would be going to Indianapolis for my birthday and the Superbowl. I didn't have a ticket to the game but I was just excited to be a part of everything else that weekend. Rachel had planned a ton of stuff for us to do while I was there. So I loaded up my suitcase and hit the road for an unforgettable weekend.

The weekend started as soon as I arrived in town. She also had two other girls going out with us that night. They were from her pageant circuit days, and were sweet as can be and hilarious!
So we all got dolled up and headed to the ESPN Magazine party for the Drake performance that night. As you can probably only imagine, we were in sports athlete heaven for those of you who are interested. I met several people that night mingling through the party. Probably one of the funniest moments was when Cam Newton's "friend" approached our entourage with the classic line "Hey Ladies how are you doing tonight? I would like you to meet one of my friends".....and there stands Cam. Whats really funny was that I shook his hand said hello and headed to the bar to get a drink while the other girls talk for a minute or two while I'm at the bar. When I get back they are walking away and Rachel says to me "you know who that is right??" I said "No.....who?" she says "Cam Newton" I said back to her "hahahaha oops I totally dissed him with a Hello and a dip out of the conversation." LMAO we just laughed. One of the best moments of the night. That night we also met Tim Tebow who I was thoroughly not impressed with and tons of other people.

Rachel and Terrell Owens had been friends for awhile and we were all supposed to meet up here then go to the next party together. While we waited for T.O. to show up we walked and talked among all the NFL alumni. It was quite an entertaining party. Upon his late arrival we finally got our group together for the next party. The after party at Sensu. We show up and the club is getting ready to close. Rachel and Terrell tried pulling as many strings as they could but the door guy wasn't budging. Looks like even if you're an NFL star and a Local Celebrity whose station promotes your business they don't care and will turn their heads to you as they let people in the back door down the ally. It was quite a joke so we said forget it, we will have our own after party! It was gourmet microwave pizza's by Jackie in the hotel suite and laughter about the night and how stupid Sensu was earlier, followed by all of us piling up in the cab back to Rachel's. This was just night one. We had a couple more to go!

The next day Rachel and I went to eat at one of our fav places to cure our hangover, Barcelona's. It was a dreary kinda of day, rainy and cold. Of course we had no umbrella and needed one, so as we walked to Superbowl Village, we stopped and got one. Frolicking through downtown Indy headed to the Celebrity Beach bowl we decided to change course, and we met up with one of my friends Blake who had seen on Facebook that I was in town and said we all needed to meet up for lunch. Well since we just ate lunch we joined them for drinks to start the afternoon at Capitol Grill. Little did we know that this would change the whole outcome of the weekend. Blake was having lunch with 2 of his friends, JJ and Stephen. We had no clue who they were by the names. When we got there it was just Blake and JJ.

We soon found out through conversation about where everyone was staying, who JJ was. It stood for Jerrel Jernigan, the rookie wide receiver for the New York Giants. Blake and JJ had been friends for long time because they were from the same home town in Alabama. Stephen showed up after us because his meeting ran over. When he got there I still didn't have a clue who he was. Friendly conversation was passed around about the radio show that he had and Rachel's. It was an inside joke for the guys because they knew Stephen's show reached a much larger audience.
Blake mentioned he was going to possibly have an extra ticket for me for the game on Sunday if one of his friends couldn't make it in town in time. So we all made plans to go to the Maxim together that night as a group. It wasn't until after we left to roam around the NFL Experience with Blake that he said do you even know who Stephen is? We both said "No".....he laughed and said "that was Stephen Baldwin." Rachel about died laughing about her competition on how many listeners she had compared to him. We couldn't stop laughing about how non star-struck we were. We did the classic Tim Tebow pose, as people stared at us outside under the Zipline, walked around some more and then headed back to her place to rest and get ready for the night.

I met up with everyone at Capitol Grill for dinner while Rachel was at an appearance for work. I found out just before dinner that my additional ticket was claimed because Blake's friend Brooks had just made it to his hotel before all of us going to dinner.

The NFL Alumni association was staying at the Conrad Hotel attached, and it was full of Celebrities walking throughout the lobby and the Capitol Grill. Drew Brees, Danny Devito (Shortest man alive lol) LMFAO (and their ridiculous outfits) Robert Randolph, Tracy Morgan just to name a few. It was certainly an experience of a life time. I was enjoying every moment of this Epic weekend. Trae was on my mind but with all the fighting going on prior to me leaving, he didn't seem to care if I called or not. Nor was he remotely interested on how my weekend was going. But, I did my best checking in with him and trying to talk to him throughout the weekend and telling him how much fun I was having. After we all ate and Rachel got there. We were running really behind to the party, and after standing waiting on the limo my bossy self and sense of needing to be in control kicked in, and I started walking up the street to catch a cab to the party.

Everyone told me it wouldn't work, well you know what?? I pulled up in a cab and picked everyone up and we headed to the party. Red Carpet entrance and all. Rachel saw Marco Andretti one of her long time friends and James Hinchcliffe so we went over to say hello which was a fiasco because they were sitting with Ludacris. Whom Blake knew too. Everything was so surreal....and we were having the time of our lives. At the end of the party we saw DJ Vice unplug his laptop and hop off the stage. Instead of catching a cab back we got on the after party limo bus with our group....which low and behold DJ Vice was setting up his laptop for the ride!! Only would this happen to us.
When we got to the after party we saw Lil Jon, and LMFAO up on the balcony spinning tracks until DJ Vice took over. It was simply a crazy turn of events. We partied until 4 am and then got a cab ride back at the close of the night. The next morning was Superbowl Sunday we had brunch that day at Rock Bottom brewery and talked about all of us getting ready for the tailgate parties and meeting up before the game, only thing was that I was the ONLY person sitting at the table without a ticket. I was OK with that too, I would simply tailgate then go watch it somewhere downtown. Stephen said that just wasn't an option and that I would be going to the game if he could find an extra ticket. As our group was leaving the restaurant I got a fair share of Celebrity paparazzi, people were taking pictures of us and wanting pictures with Stephen, it was quite hilarious.

While getting ready with Rachel we ran over so many options about the game and what to wear etc. She was taking her Dad to the game with her extra ticket, which was the sweetest thing. I couldn't even be upset at her for that....I would totally take my Dad to the Superbowl if I had that opportunity. When he got to her place we all left and headed to the stadium to the Maxim tailgate party. On the way at 2:45 pm on Superbowl Sunday I got a text from Blake that said "you owe me" and I said "why...?" he then replied back with "You're going to the Superbowl" I then immediately jumped up and down with excitement!! and called him. He said that Stephen had pulled through and got me an extra ticket. I was so ecstatic and happy. I didn't care where the seat was, who I was sitting next to, or even the fact that I would be sitting solo!
I was going and it was a once in a lifetime opportunity that I would be at this Epic game. Rachel, her Dad and I met up with all of them at the tailgate and took photos etc, we then got a car to take us to the NFL Alumni Assocation to pick up my ticket to the game. While we were there, I met LL Cool J, Vivica Fox and many more. The biggest surprise of the whole weekend was when Stephen walked over to me and said I have your ticket. He opened the envelope and there were 3 tickets. It was mine, his, and he Radio station cohost's....we were all sitting together! I asked how did that happen and he said his brother had these extra tickets he forgot about so he gave him the option to do what he wanted with them and he kept them for all of us to sit together and gave up his other seats. I was so excited, and so lucky! I couldn't believe I was actually getting my ticket just an hour before kickoff, and I was going to be on the 4th row Giants Sideline. It was unbelievable. That game I cheered on the Giants for Jerrel, I got to see music legend Madonna perform during the half time show. All from 4 rows back from the the field.

The New York Giants won Superbowl XLVI 21-17. The celebration then started late into the night.....we caught up with everyone after the game for dinner at Capitol Grill. We had the side room reserved for our large party, which included 3 of the Baldwin Brothers, Stephen, Alec, Billy and friends. It was incredible We then went to the Giants post-game party at the Marriott to celebrate their victory with Jerrel. This night of frolicking ended up at Jimmy Fallon's after party. We laughed, had drinks among each other and joked around the rest of the night with Jimmy who was a hilarious character. It was the perfect close to the weekend of craziness and celebrity encounters. I have never been around so many awesome people in one weekend. I woke up the next day not looking forward to the drive home. It such an awesome weekend. Sleep was not an option most of it and I was Exhausted!!!!!!!!! But it was EPIC, a weekend to mark off of my Bucket list too! A weekend unforgettable. But no matter how tired I was, I was ready to be back home.

.:One and Only:.

2012-08-09T12:49:00.000-05:00

The Change I had hoped for, I soon would find out was not the one that I got this January. As we started the new year fresh, we still brought things from before along through the mud. After New Years, I made it my Resolution to Fight against the thoughts of mistrust and doubt that consumed my mind; and really look toward a new day, a new year for me. Things at home were becoming somewhat challenging because there was talk of when our lease was up what were we going to do? I loved that house we lived in for the last year. I learned a lot about myself there, until the day all that comfort was taken away from me.

I will never forget that day. I was sitting at my office and I got a phone call from my neighbors who happened to be home that afternoon. They told me "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your house was broke into, and they stole a lot of stuff. We saw the kids running down the ally with a TV and called the cops." I immediately went into panic mode, emotions ran over me. I had so many questions, were my dogs ok? Was Chris home? How did they get in? Etc.... It was emotions that I had never felt before, feelings that I never knew existed.

I was angry, re-leaved, yet scared all at once. When I finally got home the cops were parked outside my house. They said that they had caught the kids. As I walked up the stoop my sister said "I don't think you are prepared for this" and she was right I wasn't. Tears began to fill my eyes as I walked through the door into my empty cold living room. The further back I walked the colder it got. My poor babies were still in their kennel staring at a gaping hole in our back window, that a huge rock had shattered a few hours before. They were shivering and scared, but I was so happy that they were unharmed. Trae came to our rescue that night and helped board up the window to keep the heat in as the snow began to fall. Once he left, I was so overwhelmed. I started looking for a new place to move to. I didn't want to be there anymore. I was a little angry with Trae for not staying with me that night, but he ensured that we would be Ok.

It was just my lack of feeling the security of my home that I wanted him there, better yet needed him there. Everything I had worked so hard for in the last year was taken from me. My sense of security, and my privacy violated. But I couldn't leave my sister there all alone. Chris didn't even stick around long enough to help clean up the glass, that disappointed me to somewhat degree. We cuddled up in my bed that night and attempted to go to sleep. It was a long night. I finally managed to fall asleep around 3am. In the mix of all things like this going on, two days later I was to be throwing a bachelorette party for Tamara. Things got all messed up after the break-in but we still managed to have a great night.She was so suprised that we pulled it together lastminute with the changes that happened. All the girls pitched in for a limo that night for her. I was so happy that she wanted me to be a part of her special day. It meant the world to me. I had moved on to happy thoughts a few days after the break-in and I began looking towards moving into a new home and prepping for Chris and Tamara's wedding day, all the while really thinking about Trae.

Being involved with the wedding those next couple weeks had my mind racing. I was trying to suppress the wedding bug. I looked at him in a way I could never imagine looking at anyone else. In those moments lost in my thoughts I would turn on Adele's CD 21 and listen to track 9 "one and only" I felt the words to this song almost to the point of bringing tears to my eyes thinking about him and wondering how he felt everyday, wondering if he could forget the past and look forward. It was something I could only hope for. It was what I was trying to do. But he seemed so far away. I could tell he began to withdrawal feelings and time from me, but I didn't know why. He told me things were fine and not to worry. So I did just that. Then it was wedding day. Julie came over that morning to do my hair, and we were supposed to be at the church hours before the ceremony. Carly and I helped line the isle with decorations while we waited for the guests to arrive.

Since I was part of the wedding Trae came with my sister. He told me he didn't feel so well when I greeted him on the sidewalk. I felt bad, and a little selfish for wanting him there with me. The ceremony was held at Scarritt Bennett Center one of my favorite wedding venues in Nashville because of the history and elegance of the Wightman Chapel. For the longest time I had dreamed of Trae standing at the end of the isle here as I walked my last single steps in life. It was simply a beautiful place, a place for hope, a place I could still dream of that day possibly happening. That day was filled with so much love, happiness, joy and excitement for Chris and Tamara. To See Chris so Happy as he watched his beautiful bride walk towards him brought joy to my heart.

It was something that he truly deserved and that happiness was what she provided him. The love, strength and loyalty that only one other person in this world could give you, was who she was to him. After the ceremony we all headed over to Sambuca to celebrate with family and friends. Trae ended up leaving early because he didn't feel well, but I at least got a dance out of him. I was a little frustrated that he was leaving me there alone. I knew he didn't feel well, but I didn't want to leave my friends just yet. I felt obligated to be there. I was being selfish and I knew I was, but this was a once in a lifetime evening for one of my dearest and oldest friends. I only wish he would have stuck it out a little longer that night. Then maybe things would have been different the next few days. But instead they took a turn south.

.:XOXO TMARIE:.

The Big Easy

2012-08-02T11:48:00.000-05:00

We loaded the cooler down with snacks for the road, packed the car, and headed south late on December 29. We drove all through the night. I was the first to drive, so I could take a nap before getting into New Orleans since I have never been there, I wanted to be able to look around instead of focusing on driving. After driving for a few hours, we made the switch. I fell asleep while it was still a little dark. Trae and my sister had been ranting about this book the Hunger Games. So when I woke he played the audibles book for me to get started on the book. We listened to the book for a few hours, then as we approached the bridge and could see the skyline ahead of New Orleans it was time to navigate to our hotel in the French Quarter. I'm usually designated as the navigator and Trae the driver on our roads trips once we have reached our destinations, since he is the better driver.
The city streets were crazy busy, construction took us a different way than our map but we still arrived at our hotel safely. The Chateau Dupre....we looked right at each other and said, "hmmmm this is it?" It was a small little Inn with painted brick, a small lobby and old corridors. The website describes it as Luxury. LMAO, I said, "you sure you want to stay here?" We both collectively agreed it was illogical that we would be able to find somewhere else since it was New Years Eve and he wasn't going to be able to get a refund for this room, so we sucked it up and made the best of it. Heck we weren't going to be in the room very long anyways. Now, the street our hotel was on was so small, we literally had to park in the street to check-in. It was the strangest uncomfortable feeling with my new car to do that.

So we teamed up and he checked in as I unloaded the car quickly on to the rack. Then he went to go find parking. Our Hotel was on the south side of the French Quarter. They didn't have parking so we had to find a lot for my car for the next two days. When he got back he said it was a fiasco but he found one that looked pretty safe, it was about 3 blocks from our hotel. Once we were checked-in and unloaded everything to the room, we were ready to explore. I couldn't wait! We walked all around the French Quarter that day. It was so blissful. This city became my favorite city in the USA. I loved the culture, I loved the blues, the people, the food, the drinks and just how laid back the city was. We had a simple dinner that evening on Bourbon Street. Oh it was so delicious! I have much love for Red Beans and Rice, and shrimp, and Trae wanted duck. When I ordered the shrimp appetizer I had NO idea it was gona come out looking like real shrimp! Heads and all! EWW he had to help me eat them, because I was a little freaked out. We enjoyed the dinner, and watching the people pass by sipping on our BlueMoon. It was perfect.
Since It was early still, we headed back to change clothes and decided lets do the night on Bourbon, so we were shocked that depending on what time it was we could get 3for1s! Oh my it was crazy but we loved it. I loved him. I loved it being the two of us. I couldn't do this with anyone else. He was my best friend, and all we needed was each other. I was so happy looking into eyes, watching him sing the music that was around us, and dancing free spirited around him. We stayed out late that night and I was so tired. I didn't want to walk all the way back because my feet were hurting LOL, so he grabbed me a bike cabby and we went up to bed. The next morning we slept in pretty long, but still had time to get brunch down near the French Market.

This cool little indoor/outdoor flea market. After walking around all afternoon his Dad sent us on a mission for Beignets and coffee. And we found a cute little place in the Quarter. They were really good, but really tasted like funnels cakes I use to eat as a kid at the fair. Later that afternoon we went up to the room to nap before dinner. It was New Years Eve, the last few hours of a year that I learned so much about myself, my friends, my family, and the love I truly felt for Trae. I was so happy that I was spending those last few memories of that year with him. As we started getting ready I remember thinking how I was so excited to wear my mask, to see the fireworks and to kiss him at midnight, in the streets filled with people from all over the world who came here to celebrate the new year also. The city had shut down Decatur street for the night for pedestrians which was great because that was the street our hotel was on, so we walked down to a little restaurant just within distance of Jackson Square where later we would countdown the seconds to 2012. The line to get in the restaurant was pretty long, but we got there just in time.
There were about 6 people ahead of us 4 of which just from small talk about my mask we found out were from the Nashville/ Tullahoma area. Once they were seated, the hostess came out to get us and ironcally we were seated right beside them. We decided to push our tables together and embrace that we had made some new friends. One of the things I love about Trae and I is that we just go with flow, we can talk to just about anyone. The 2 couples we met were so cool, we had mutual friends in the Nashville area. After dinner Trae and I headed back to the room for me to get something really quick, and then we ran into them at a little mask shop just a few stores down from dinner. We decided it would be fun to hangout the 6 of us. As we continued our walk to Jackson Square, people on the balconies that lined the street were throwing beads to those walking down below as if it were Mardi Gras. So the girls and I said what the heck if they are just throwing why not go get some. HAHA, we had so many beads after that, I was almost knocked out by some actually. It was pretty hilarious. We had our drinks, cigars, and were taking pictures standing in the middle of the street surrounded by thousands of people until we began to hear the countdown.

Then it was a slow 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2- HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Followed by the most perfect kiss that blocked out the sounds of horns, people cheering and confetti blowing in the breeze around us, like I was in bubble protected from all things around me. And when I opened my eyes, I came to, I could hear all things around me and looking at him I just smiled and said "I love you." It was a perfect New Years Eve. It definitely was the best one I've ever spent with my best friend and the love of my life. After the countdown we all walked over to Bourbon Street for some music and dancing at our favorite place from those few days "Howl at the Moon" A dueling piano bar til early into the morning hours. Exhausted as we all were, we said our good byes hoping to see each other sometime in Nashville. That ride home was a long one the next day. I was so tired. Trae drove most of the way back until we reached Birmingham for a pit stop. I had pretty much finished the first Hunger Games book as we rolled into Nashville. I didn't want to be home yet. I didn't want the weekend to end. Everything was so perfect, and I was afraid of change now that we were back to reality.
XOXO.:TMARIE:.

Spirit of Christmas

2012-08-01T13:01:00.000-05:00

Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas. -Calvin Coolidge

After having a wonderful Thanksgiving with family it really set the mood for December. I had the Spirit of Christmas burning through me. It was going to be a busy month! I was working so many promos, and having holiday cocktails with friends. I loved every bit of it! I think its because I didn't enjoy those moments as much the year before until it was almost to late. Not this year, I wan't going to let my favorite time of giving pass me by. I couldn't wait to put up our Christmas tree, hang our stockings, and decorate our house with lights outside. I even planned a Christmas party for my girls. Shopping for them, cooking for them, everything was so fun! It was a little difficult picking the date for the party but we all managed to find a night.

The scent of cinnamon apples and the exchange of candles and laughter, filled my living room over wine and hors d'oeuvres. Chris played a private acoustic session for us. We even skyped with Jennifer who wasn't able to be there because she was in Cali. It was a great night. I was so happy how it turned out. That following weekend I went to Indy for Christmas with Rachel since she was in Nashville for Thanksgiving. We open gifts, went out on the town. It was nothing too crazy, just simple time together. On the last day I was there we had tickets to the Titans vs Colts game. It was my first time at Lucas Oil Stadium. I was definitely impressed in the facility. The game was somewhat of a shocker though. It didn't quite turn out how everyone anticipated it to. That season the Titan's were a little rocky, but the Colts oh my, they were terrible, because they lost Peyton Manning to an injury. Something happened in this game though.

The Colts ended up winning their first game all season! That blue and white confetti had waited months to be released from its holding place. Kinda, ironic how that happened. When I made it home, it was only a week and half until Christmas. I had the MillerCoors Mistletoe party with my SPEAKeasy ladies that week. Lina and I entertained ourselves all night in the photo booth. Trae came for the free beer and then we went Honky Tonkin after I was released. It was such a merry time with my girls. I still had shopping to do for family and Trae. I was starting to stress over his present. I knew he wanted a guitar, but geez they were so expensive. Then one day at work I finally found one online, I was so excited. It was perfect. There were many more celebrations that week. It was Tiffany's birthday, Jennifer and Josh were in town for Christmas, we all got together for drinks and catching up. It truly felt like Christmas. I was so blessed. Trae and I had points that holiday season that we didn't know if we were going to continue working on things.
We both had moments and people that we still connected with, I had thoughts that maybe this wasn't right, that maybe there was someone else that was better for me out there, and I just wasn't giving myself the opportunity to explore those feelings.
I tried many times before but, he was always the one person that my feelings stayed constant for. The one my heart raced for. We had decided after everything we were trying to do, that we owed it to ourselves to go somewhere just the two of us for New Years. Years before that we always spent this night in the company of friends. But this was different. After the exchanging of presents and time with the family. A few days later we packed the car and headed to the NOLA! It was going to be my first time there, and I couldn't wait to walk down Bourbon Street!
.:XOXO TMARIE:.

Those to be Thankful For

2012-08-01T11:42:00.000-05:00

It was now November the month to give thanks for all the things that you had in your life. I had started working promotions again this month with SPEAKeasy. I was making new friends and growing older friendships that needing a little watering. The new girls I worked with were something of a breath of fresh air. They looked up to me, but I looked up to them for the accomplishments they had in there life as well. Lina for instance, she is the kindest soul I've met in a long time. So naturally beautiful, her personality shines with a sense of innocence to the way people can be in this world and I love that about her. She is always so sweet and never feels a sense of entitlement to anything. She just has this amazing free spirit, and a beautiful daughter as her mini side kick. I am so happy to have them both in my life. Its like having someone always there to remind you that no matter what you have been through, that you can do anything and still be as kind-hearted to the people around you.

Then there's Tiffany, T-Squared is what we like to call ourselves. LOL its always an on going joke when we worked together when people ask us our names. They never believe us or they blurt out T-Squared! Well anyways, I've known Tiffany for a long time, we had always remained friends, but it wasn't until this recent 2 years that we became closer as friends. We had moved close to each other in Brentwood when I moved out of Trae's. She was there those nights that I just didn't want to go out but needed a friend and a glass of wine to talk. I was happy to have made such a good friend out of an acquaintanceship from previous years. I remember meeting her when she was just in high school, we still look back and laugh about those days and how crazy it was that we ended up where we are today and how our circle of friends connected. It was truly a blessing meeting her.

I somehow think that we were supposed to be close friends all along, it was just a matter of our paths in life colliding at the right times. Now that they finally had, I know I would always have this beautiful soul to count on. Peyton and I had been friends since high school, we grew so much closer those long summer months. He was always there for me, a place to workout frustrations in the gym, or lay out by the pool where he could scope out the ladies. Either way we were like Bonnie and Clyde that summer. As November rolled around, we celebrated our Thanks with a night of Charity for his organization the Phoenix Club. Rachel came down from Indy for our "Twinky Thanksgiving" we enjoyed the Taste of Nashville event then headed downtown to do a little "honky-tonkin."

Of all the times she had been here, we never once went down to Broadway. I usually steered clear of that area because of Trae, but now I loved to go because of Trae. He took me a few nights that Fall and I truly enjoyed it. Maybe it was just I was so tired of seeing the same people all the time, but this became fun to me, and working promos down there helped me know what nights to go. I was so thankful to have such strong relationships with these people because, Trae and I were doing alright at this point but it wasn't anywhere near the way I wanted it.

He was still having doubts about me, and I about him. We were constantly battling the fact of trusting each other. There were so many reasons for us not to trust each other. But to trust in the love we had for each other was something we didn't quite understand, and with all the doubt I was experiencing with him, to have these people there and my SPEAKeasy team of girls, it kept my mind and heart sane. Thanksgiving day I found myself boarding the plane to Pennsylvania for my first Thanksgiving as a complete family.

There were so many thoughts running through my mind about how this was going to go. We as long as I can remember hadn't been all together in a long time. There were always family matters that prevented us from being together as a family. I honestly wasn't too excited about going. All of the preconceived thoughts that kept us apart for so long scared me a little. But I went for my Dad. It meant the world to him to have all of his girls together and grand-kids. I chose to fly alone to PA to gather my thoughts and prepare myself for what could happen while I was there.

But once I landed in Philly and on my layover I sat with a glass of wine in the airport and realized that everyone was waiting on me. That they were all together, happy in each others company. Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad after all. I picked up a little airplane for Rowan because he was going to be there to greet me at the airport. I was so happy to see Laurie, Brett and Rowan. When we got to Nikki's house everyone was in such bright spirits. We were family, like we had been doing this for years. The food was amazing, the desserts even better. But it was great to see my nephews and sisters. This time that brought us all together was what we needed as a family. We even went black Friday shopping that night around Midnight. LOL Oh the crazies you see during that time was hilarious.

It was cold, and we didn't want to stand in line so we sat in the car until the doors opened and made a mad dash for the entry way. HAHA, everyone was so pissed off but it was funny to us. The next day we spent taking family portraits, and Nikki and Matt took us to this awesome place to eat dinner called the Bube's Brewery that sat above catacombs in PA. It was such an amazing place. They couldn't have picked anywhere better. Later that night we met up with our cousins at a little bar in town. My parents dropped us off, and as the Brensinger's walked in we all sat and ordered drinks, catching up, singing, and laughing like we did as kids...

then a song starts playing "Forever Young" and as I sat my glass of wine down from taking a sip....I look up and my parents are walking in. It was such an appropriate song for the two of them. When they sat down to join us, they said, we drove around the parking lot and decided we weren't ready to go home. Haha, this is why I love my parents. They are such an inspiration on how a marriage should be. I want that best friend for life and I wanted it with Trae. It was just a matter of time for us to get back on that level. After the long weekend celebrating, and giving thanks to a family once forgotten, now saved....

I look back at how things were and so happy that we had this time to reconnect as siblings. These were some of things I found myself being thankful that Thanksgiving.

.:XOXO TMARIE:.

A Rekindled Fall

2012-07-31T22:48:00.000-05:00

Oddly enough as the seasons were beginning to change so was I. I felt the nervousness on a night that started out so ordinary with my sister and some glasses of wine, but it turned out not so ordinary for me. I decided to go see The Cold Stares play in East Nashville in a little place called the 5 Spot. Since I hadn't been to a show in awhile because the last one I was at I ran into Trae. It was a little heartache that I didn't want to feel, so I kindly avoided it. But this night after a few glasses of wine, I said "what the hell, I like their music, I can't keep running from the things I like because of the chance I might see him." This is was I was saying aloud, but my heart was anxiously waiting for him to walk through that door that night. I waited, and waited to lay my eyes upon him, but as song after song played I was slowly feeling the knots begin to turn at the disappointment that I wasn't going to see him that night. So I took a risk, and I texted him the lyrics to song that would always remind him and I of each other. And to my surprise he responded. I was in shock. I hadn't spoke to him in so long, and my stomach turned from knots to butterflies almost instantly. I was so delighted I didn't know what to say back other than "I thought I might see you tonight, but then I was disappointed to not see you at their show." He had told me that he didn't feel well and decided to stay home.
I then felt so daring in the moment and said "well I still would like to see you, if you want to?" I was expecting nothing in return but a NO... but to my relief he said "sure you can come over" My skin flushed the moment I read his text and I was so uncertain of the feelings that would open like a can of worms, but I was so excited, my heart felt like it was beating out of chest. I didn't want to waste another minute sitting there texting, so Britt and I headed straight home for me to get a few things for the next day. As I pulled up to his house for the first time in months, I couldn't help but feel some what saddened that this use to be my home. The rush of excitement and the butterflies took over because I never thought I would be here again. But there I was standing at the door, waiting for him to open it. It was then that awkward moment of uncertainty on how say hello. Do I give him hug? Do I kiss him? That which would have been my natural reaction, but what was I to do?
Just hours before, the thought never crossed my mind that I would be walking across this threshold tonight staring at the only person that I knew I truly loved. It was an exhilarating embrace that I received from him once we uttered the words "hi" We stayed up and talked for an hour or so. I was so happy to be there, and in that moment of catching up the last few months of our life, I didnt want to go to sleep. I wanted to sit and talk for hours, to hear his voice, his laugh, and to see him smile at me, all the things I had missed for months. He was right though, and I was tired. As we laid down, I felt the warmth of his arms wrap around me like a blanket on cold night and I knew in that moment this was were I was supposed to be. But how do I hold on to this, was this the right time? Had it been long enough to deal with the past, and enlighten the thoughts of our future? Were we ready for this? Why did he agree to see me tonight? All of these thoughts consumed my mind that night and it was so hard to sleep, even in the comfort of his presence, what happens now? Only time would tell, and we took things slowly at first, small dates here and there. I began living in a land of confusion. I enjoyed every moment with him, but with so much doubt and both of us with walls so high it was hard to break down the barriers that kept us apart.
Music had always been my way releasing feelings when I was alone, I always seemed to find songs that related to how I was feeling in times like these, whether them happy or sad, and during this time Adele's new CD 21 had so many songs that I was relating to. It was Fall my favorite season of the year, and we decided to try some new things. He took me for a day out at Radnor Lake with the dogs, then we did a brunch that afternoon at Loveless Cafe, two things at which we had never done together before. Then another day spent at Arrington Vineyards was sure to set my heart soaring. I didn't care about a thing in the world, I was happy. I had him, and we were on the right path. Leaves began to fall and the weather turned colder. Not only was it Fall, it was also Football season. I really got into college football this year for the first time.

One of my best friends, Heather, was good friends with some of the Vanderbilt Football coaches and she has always been a Vandy fan, so it was our weekly girls thing to go the home games that season. We had so much fun, and I was actually converted to a Vanderbilt fan. We even drove down to the Alabama game and stayed with my friend Michelle for the game there. I had never experienced a real SEC game until that one, when I walked into Bryant- Denny Stadium for the first time. The Red and White and the roar of the Roll Tide was overwhelming. Michelle had showed us such and amazing time. I really enjoyed the memories made there that weekend and all the ones made during the season with Heather and my sister. We really bonded, maybe it was the Tomboy in the both of us, but we somehow connected more than we ever had before during those months.
Halloween was soon creeping up on us. I was super excited to carve pumpkins and get dressed up for night out on the town! And that's exactly what we did. Surely enough Trae showed up on my door step as Darius Rucker, LOL his alter Ego and that's why I love him. I was a bit more extravagant with a nice sexy vamp thing going on, we went to Chris Nathan's birthday party for a little while then met up with some other friends that we had planned that night. As things started out good, they ended so poorly. At that point in our life there was so much uncertainty in where we stood with each other. Sure we had love for each other that was undeniable, but we had messed things up so badly before that there were feelings that continued to pull us down.

That night I let those feelings out, because there was no clarity to how things were between us. Were we together? NO, we were just working on things, we hadn't committed ourselves back together. Which is why this Adele song "I'll Be Waiting" hit home so hard to me. I'm sure I sang this song so loud in my car multiple times just like a nerd. But I couldn't help it. It screamed some of the feelings I had been experiencing at that point in time. I was waiting, waiting on him....or was I waiting on myself? I didn't know, everything was so cloudy to me. The only choice I had was to take it one day at a time, and hope for the best. He had my every priority, but I wasn't sure if that was being reciprocated and I would eventually find out. The Holidays were approaching us fast, it was soon time to give thanks for all the things we had in our lives and I was sure I had a lot to be thankful for.
.:XOXO TMARIE:.

At Summers End

2012-07-31T15:49:00.000-05:00

First thing to do when I get home was head out to my parents house for some birthday fun and a little family bbq...OK... A LOT of family BBQ. My parents I can say definitely know how to throw a BBQ. I guess you can say thats where I get it from. It was my Dad's bday and my Mom's soon to follow so we had a good 'ole time just sitting out on the deck, drinking some beer, telling stories of my weekend and smelling the food on the grill.

Late that night I finally got home to rest unload my stuff, and laid down. As I dosed off to sleep, the thoughts running across my head were wow, what a weekend! Not to mention, what was I gona do now? I had no job to wake up for, things with the Doctor got a little strange this weekend. Was I falling for him? It wasn't my intentions, but was that the root cause to some of the feelings I had that weekend? I believe that it was. I like him, it was just a realization that I wasn't ready for. I wasn't ready to move on, I still had things I was dealing with.

I was confused, and then stressed about not having job. It was just a feeling of comfort that I somewhat was missing in my life and my feelings were reacting to it, or Maybe it was the thought of rejection? No that couldn't be otherwise why would have spent so much time together. Maybe it was time for me to stop trying to be in so much control and just let things be the way they were meant to be. And thats what I did. Pool time, working out, many nights listening to Chris' music helped me get my mind right, and nights with dear friends that summer helped me get through the lonely times. I finally started a new job, and I was headed to Vegas that following weekend with my sister. It was her first time in the land of sin.

You know that city of "lost wages" We had a great girls weekend, Jennifer came over from Cali for a night, we adventured to the clubs with people we had just met, typical group of girls style. Some of the Doctor's friends were in town that weekend too. They were staying at the Palms. On the last day, we decided it would be nice and relaxing to grab a daybed at the pool there and hangout. A couple hundred dollars later we were partying in the Real World suite. His friends had rented the suite for while they were there.

The drinking didn't stop....an hour or two later we realize that my sister was lost. LOL well not really, she was just passed out, so the plan was to let her rest in the confessional room, and I would be back to get her after I packed etc. She ended up waking up and catching a cab back to our casino while I was out at the last bar for the night with Ally, we got up so early to catch our flight home, It was dreadful flight but we made it back to Nashville in one piece. The Doctor was also traveling so much, a couple weeks had went by since I saw him last and then it all hit me. One night we laid there talking and with all respect to him we were finally honest with each other that all though we enjoyed the comfort of the familiarity that we brought to each other it just wasn't something that was meant to be during that time in our lives and we slowly faded. I was OK, that morning as I watched the sunrise over Nashville. I was home, I had a job now, I got to take my little sister to Vegas for the first time and I rekindled some great old friendships. It felt good to see my summer come to a close and as Labor Day rolled around I had a door that I had closed for months reopen, that sent me into a tailspin.

.:XOXO TMARIE:.

Sweet Summer Time

2012-07-31T14:31:00.000-05:00

As May rolled around things began to happen quickly. There were so many events going on. One of the first things I was planning for was Steeplechase! It was going to be my first year for big hats, and horse racing! I honestly had no idea what to expect, but thank goodness I was going with a few veterans to the game. Craig, his sister, her husband and I, threw on plaid, boots, dresses and hats and headed to races for some mint juleps and social gatherings. If you have never been, I suggest going at least once to experience the day.
It calls for a good days worth of tailgating, gambling, grilled food and just good friends, with always a chance of rain! LOL and of course my first time we had rain. All and all it was a great day!! Later on that evening we had dinner at their parents house then continued drinking for the post steeplechase activities, Chris my roommate had a show and the night was longer than expected. I met up with the Doctor throughout the day and evening to hangout we were beginning to spend ample amounts of time together and feelings were beginning to bloom, but still the hesitation was there to commit to any feelings.

Sure we liked each other but we were just slowly coming around to admit that to each other, it would take a few more months. As the days dropped from the calendar of May, I enjoyed Preds playoff games with Amy and friends. Spending those Tuesdays and Thursdays in Smashville! Then soon becoming unemployed was a shock! Around the end of May I was laid off.
I wasn't sure how to handle it, or what I was going to do. That night sitting on the Doctor's couch we just embraced the fact and began to look at things and options for me. He truly was great to have beside me while dealing with the shock of not going to work the next day. I took that time of freedom and just enjoyed my next month with long days at the pool, training myself to get up and run every morning, and sending out resumes in hopes of finding something new. One of my adventures during that time of freedom was my first Indy 500 Experience.

Rachel was so stoked that last minute she had spare tickets to all the Indy 500 parties and race day tickets. So I packed up that day and headed up to Indianapolis, with no expectations and nothing holding me back in TN. Upon my arrival to Indy, Rachel warned me that I would be getting up super early to go to the station with her before heading to Carb Day at the track. It was so awesome to watch her work, and to see what truly happens in the Radio stations during the AM shows.
Her and Kyle were absolutely hilarious!! If the city of Indy could hear their outtakes they would love them 10x more! Our Motto became the "Pace of the Race" because of a caller. And that was truth, we were going at 230 mph the rest of the weekend! Carb Day had started and so did the drinking. If any of you don't know, this weekend is full of drinking and fast cars! Ironically, the Doctor was up here that weekend as well for the race with his friends. He got in town later than I did. But had no idea I was there. My plan was to just visit with Rachel for the weekend but that got messed up when we ended up running into each other on Carb day. We ended up hanging out for a few but went our separate ways because Rachel some how managed to get us into the garages!
I was so excited. Before this weekend I had never been to a race and with her close ties to some of the Indy car teams we got to go back there. It had been such a long day! We enjoyed the garages and then headed over to some of the suites before heading home so I could get a good view of the track before Sunday's event. We had such a good time. Later that night I met up with the Doctor and friends in an area of Indy called Broad Ripple, it was kind of a disastrous night. I didn't really know anyone he was with other than his friend from Nashville and things felt just plain weird. I ended up driving some of us home because they were to far gone to imagine driving and I wasn't leaving my car in an area I didn't know.
We ended up getting home safely. I was beginning to feel really uncomfortable but I was to far away from Rachel's to consider driving that late home. We ended up getting in a ridiculous fight and I just laid down to go to sleep. That next morning while everyone headed to the pool I headed back to Rachel's to relax and get ready for the Fantasy 500 party that night that we had VIP passes to. We were Red Carpet ready for the event and well rested. We enjoyed the free cocktails, the music and the company of friends who also were in town for the eventful weekend. I can honestly say it had been a great evening frolicking with some of the celebrities that were there. But my ultimate mistake and I blame my clouded judgement on alcohol was deciding to stay out later than Rachel did. I mistakenly thought it was a good idea to go meet up with the Doctor for round two this night. SO, I did. We had a better night that night, but I would regret my decision the next morning when I decided to stay the night and not take the taxi home. We woke up about 30 mins prior to their party bus picking them up for the track that day, which meant no one had time to take me Rachel's and get back in time to leave.

Epic Fail it was and I was forced to take a taxi back to her house. As they were loading up, I getting in the taxi in my dress from the night before and giving her address to the driver, this was clearly "my walk of shame" LOL. One of which I will never forget! So after 30 mins of riding we precede to head into downtown Indy, I begin to realize he has taking me to the completely wrong address. 45 mins later we are sitting in Race day traffic! I'm still in my dress, I'm hungover, I'm hungry, and my phone is dying! Not to mention Rachel is already at the track. It was a TOTAL Epic Fail. Well, since Rachel was there already, I began trying to coordinate plans with Pat McAfee her man at the time, who lived relatively close to her and was still at home getting ready to head to the track.
Another 45 mins later I make it to her house to change really quick, ALL of which I am still in the same taxi...now keep in mind I have been in this same taxi since 8AM, it is now going on 10AM, and when I finally pick up Pat. We head to track, running late as ever, as we are entering the on ramp to hit the interstate he realizes he has forgot his ticket. LOL, so YES, our taxi driver put the cab in Reverse and backed up the on ramp and turned around to head back. We grab the ticket and find out from his friends that we now had a police escort into the track. Thank goodness, because we were trailing behind and it was almost 12 before we finally got there. We were dropped off to meet friends at the car wash, and our taxi fare ended up being close to $175. I was floored.
Thanks to Pat he picked up most of the bill because of the rough morning I had. The day ended up being pretty amazing I got a Suite ticket and got to see the opening of the race, which was monumental because they were celebrating the 100th Anniversary Indy 500 Race. The gusts of wind that blow your hair and the sound the cars make as the fly past you is exhilarating. Rachel met up with us at the Suite and I was finally getting some food and a few drinks, then we were headed down the Snake Pit. It was party time with the station. My photos don't do justice for the craziness that the snake pit brings to the race. That day despite all the things that happened to me prior in the morning turned out to be amazing. Rachel and I went on a fastfood binge on the way home from the track, managed to change clothes and end up at a strip club with lap dances and all, before going out that night to hangout with Marco Andretti for his after party at Sensu a premier nightclub in Indy.

It was a great weekend! I learned alot of things to say the least and gained a new love for Indy car. But I was glad to be on the road home, and ready some R&R days at the pool to come....the Doctor and I were slowly fading after the Indy incident so coming back home to that was a bit challenging and I wasn't too sure what to think or how to feel. In the next few months of summer I would soon find out what was for the best.
.:XOXO TMARIE:.

A new place to call Home

2012-07-11T16:19:00.000-05:00

It was that next morning, I said my goodbyes, grabbed a cab on that cold rainy morning in LA and then I boarded a plane to head home. Although, I was coming home to a world that was about to change drastically. I was excited to see "the doctor" when I arrived home. I was stringing myself along a road of uncertainty at the time, but I was thoroughly happy in his presence. I was't home for maybe 3 days before I was packing up and leaving again for the weekend. This time I was headed to Indy for the Pacers game with Rachel. I was excited to get up there and hangout, as if we didn't get enough time together the previous week.
We did some shopping, enjoyed the game, and went out to party. Then I was headed home. I didn't really have time to think too much at that point except for when I was on the road. Realizing that I was moving in a week put me in overload. My last night before moving, I enjoyed the noise of the crowd cheering on the USA soccer team with Denise. It was another spring rainy night, I had never been to a league Soccer game before so I wasn't sure what expect...actually I'm pretty sure neither of us knew what to expect, but we still managed to have a blast.

After the night had ended, it was back to packing up the last few things, and I'm not sure if I was ready for the changes. I was staying super busy and writing helped me cope with a lot of things at that time, and writing a lot. There had been so many changes in my recent past that caused a sort of whirlwind of emotions. Blogging was the constant that kept my sanity at the time of such craziness. Our new home brought light, and new people in my life. I wasn't quite sure how living with a musician was going to be like but, it was too late to turn back now. This was going to be an interesting year to say the least. That first month of April, I had so many things happening. On my first night completely moved in, I was joined by the company of "the Doctor" not sure if its what I actually needed, but his warm and inviting smile was pleasant to see when I opened the door. To my surprise I was handed a house warming gift. A fresh scented candle, one of his favorites, a familiar scent and one that would burn and always remind me of him. It was a sweet gesture followed by dinner and wine at the City House in my new neighborhood for the evening.
He then walked me to my door kissed me good night and headed home. He was always quite the gentlemen, and I liked that about him at the time. So I was left to unpacking and getting adjusted to me new place to call home, although nothing about it felt like home. Chris had moved in quickly, but was gone our first weekend in our new house, and things were strung everywhere. The following week when we were all together for the first time, Rachel came down and we made a big family feast. The laughter filled our house quickly.

We were all beginning to enjoy living there. It wasn't shortly that my sister was coming down, and I was going to meet nephew Rowan for the first time since he had been born. I was pretty excited to see him and her. We spent the day shopping, and getting frozen yogurt and just spending time with family. He was the cutest little boy, and I had the best time bonding with him. I didn't want for them to leave. But, they could only stay so long, and I understood.

Being around children kindly reminds me that one day I hope that comes for me, that I hope I've made some decisions along the to ensure I have the opportunity to experience a love so great. But it was back to my busy life, my life that was not tied down to anyone or anything.

When I say I stayed busy I really did. That same week, was the Monster Ball. My one my great friends, Amy, had tickets last minute for us to go! I was super excited! To see Lady Gaga live was awesome! Little did I know
Amy had managed to get us right down by the stage, it was awesome! We had to wait for ever to hold our place but it was definitely worth not being able to feel my feet by the end of the night and my legs feeling like jello from standing for so long. But, Lady Gaga was one of the best concerts I had ever been to. She completely rocked the stage. I was also so happy that my sister was able to go as well. Although towards the end of the night I was a bit jealous that she had a seat, but whose to say she wasn't jealous that we were so close. It was one of the "grass is greener on the other side moments" but needless to say we were blessed and so thankful for Amy to have taken us along for the experience. Our friendship was beginning to really flourish over the next few months into a great one. May promised endings, new relationships, new feelings, and new experiences on my journey to collecting the pieces of me and putting them back together.

.:XOXO:. TMARIE

Girls of Playboy Golf

2012-07-11T14:18:00.002-05:00

The next morning was definitely an early one and one that we were not really ready for. Playboy Golf brings together people from around the world, to play golf, mingle with attractive females, and party. The network of girls stretch from all over the USA, into Canada and Australia. We are all brought together once a year for the final golf tournament of the season. Some of which you make bonds with for life, and others well you just simply wonder why they are there in the first place.
I made two incredible bonds for life with Michelle and Rachel. We had met at our original tournament a few years back and this was our 2nd trip to the finals. I only really cared to be around the two of them. Most everyone else, I didn't care to make the initiative to get to know. As we unloaded by the hundreds to the course, we walked around to find out what holes we would be playing on for the day, picked up our bag of essentials and ate breakfast. We then loaded up our golf carts and set out for two courses.

Erica, Michelle, Myself, Rachel

The day was full of taking pictures, dancing, having drinks with the golfers and just letting the wind blow through our hair with the scent of fresh cut green grass in the air. My girls are quite the entertaining ones so we didn't really experience boredom. It was fun a great day in the sun in the presence of two of my favorite people, and a new one. As things progressed during the day, we made plans to all go out that evening to the Supper Club. It was a night club in LA. The 4 of us headed back to the hotel exhausted from the day and ready to nap before the evening. When I previously mentioned I didn't have a good feeling about trusting people in LA ...well my intuition was correct, the girl we kindly added into our circle, managed to steal things right from under us. While Rachel was in the shower and I was sleeping still, after she had gotten ready to go out, she packed up her suit case and decided she was too tired or sick to go out that night with us. We thought this was strange but didn't argue and let her go.
We went out that night and had fun, I ran into a friend of mine from Nashville, randomly but it was great to see a familiar face in a town that's not common in. The next morning being as naive as we were, we come to find out that we were missing things, like jewelry, makeup, etc. This then became a matter of strangers in our room, who do you trust, etc. I had more things taken from me than anyone else in the room. I was so furious that I went straight to the directors of the event and they told me "We can't do anything about it" I couldn't believe that they could stick us in rooms with girls we didn't know and then have the audacity to say they can't do anything about our things being stolen.

This was my last straw. It was my last day here and last night with Playboy Golf. I spent most of my morning talking to hotel security, and trying to figure out where my things went and with who they were with. With everything panning out the way they did, I just decided to let it go and enjoy the last night there. This was the lingerie party night and it was almost over.
This night was the night that everyone looked forward to. The girls did their best to show everything they could and appear to still be wearing clothes. This was also the night that the Playboy International Girl of Golf was announced. You see, the last few days were a campaign to help Rachel win this title. All the dinners, the golf course, the golf balls we handed out with her photo on them, everything was to help get the golfers to vote on her to win. I was asked multiple times throughout our stay why I didn't try to run for this, and my answer was simply she was a better fit for the roll, and honestly I wasn't interested.

I didn't really have the patience for all the politics that were involved in the competition. Rachel did her best the whole time we were there to speak to everyone and she deserved it. As the night went on, we celebrated Hef's 85th birthday. It was awesome to see him in person, I never thought that would have ever happened in my life. As I roamed the grounds of the Playboy Mansion for the last time, I soaked in everything that I had learned from the whole experience. We made our way to the side of the stage and patiently awaited the results of the Girl of Golf competition. When they announced Rachel's name I was so EXCITED for her I was shaking, I knew that she wanted this so bad, and it was then I realized this would be the last time I would be here. Seeing her in the spotlight, listening to her speech, was enough for me. I had honestly experienced everything that I needed to through this adventure.
I made 2 wonderful friends with whom I hold dearest to me, and I learned a lot about who I was as a person, who I wanted to be and the life through playboy or anything of the same was not where I wanted to be. It was time to celebrate and also to slowly phase out this part of my life. I never once regretted participating in Playboy Golf I am merely just thankful I was never the person to be consumed by it. It helped me develop some personal emotional strengths, and I came out a stronger person on the other side. Thanks Playboy Golf...Its been nice knowing ya... PEACE!
.:XOXO:. TMARIE

The Land of the White Rabbit

2012-07-10T13:06:00.002-05:00

The next morning I got up early to get ready for my flight and any festivities that could possibly come my way once landing. Just before leaving for the airport I said goodbye to a great friend and thanked him for the time spent. as I look back now I learned a lot about by myself over those last couple of days, I then proceeded to pick up my luggage and head to my next destination. The infamous Land of the White Rabbit, for the Playboy Golf Finals- "where girls who aren't so nice appear to be nice, and where men are just looking for a good time at any price."
When I arrived at LAX I picked up my luggage and headed down to limo lane. While standing there, a girl bumped into me and asked if I was part of Playboy Golf and if she was in the right spot for the shuttle and before I could get out an answer the limo rolled up with Rachel in it. I was so ecstatic to see her, we loaded up the car and rolled into the Hills. One of the first things we did after checking in was head straight to the mall. It was as if a tradition in our eyes, I'm not even sure why we packed so many things to wear because we always ended up buying new stuff out there. After shopping we headed down to the ballroom for our annual "rules and regulations" meeting, even sitting in the meeting we already new we were leaving after and heading to dinner with the Elite of Playboy Golf, it was almost as if it was a joke to sit there and listen to "rules" which were apparently to your discretion.
Not sure where we were headed for dinner, Rachel and I joined everyone outside the hotel lobby and climbed in the limo. Shortly we were dropped off on a side street "Canon" just around the corner from Rodeo drive. Where we were then lead to a small private elevator that took us to the top room of the building.
When the doors opened, I didn't know what to expect, but what I found were men in nice suits lounging & enjoying some of the finest cigars in town. Walking through the restaurant I felt like I was walking back through time as if I stepped into a popular speakeasy, where the men were amazed to see the beauty of woman in their secret spot, and when they looked at you, you could feel the flirtatious glance as they released the smoke from their lips in a smooth cloud with a slight grin in your direction so effortlessly. The Grand Havanna Room a private members cigar bar was where we spent the remainder of our evening, in the heart of Beverly Hills, with a beautiful rooftop setting, sipping champagne and telling stories over exquisite Italian food. Carelessly into the night we dined, enjoyed everyone's company and developed new friendships.
It was a night that I will never forget. Once back to our hotel, Rachel and I headed back to our room. We were so high on life, so happy to be next to each other sharing these experiences. There was no one I would rather have had that night spent with than her. When we walked in our room we noticed that where we once were sharing a room with a stranger we somehow managed to be back to our dynamic duo. The night had ended perfectly, we toasted our last glass of champagne for the evening to "US" and then shut our eyes for good nights sleep.

The next morning was St. Patty's day and what better way to spend this national party holiday then at the Playboy Mansion.
I went down to the lobby to get us some breakfast, something a little healthy and a nice patio setting until I felt like primping myself for the days extravaganza. As I sat there enjoying my breakfast and the view from our balcony, I collected my thoughts of what the day may lead to.
This was my calm before the storm. I then started getting ready and we made our way down to the lobby to head over to the Tee Party.
While Rachel did her photo shoot I mingled with friends throughout the grounds of the mansion and enjoyed the beautiful spring day in the Hills. The flowers were blossoming and people were in their festive green attire, which I chose not to wear. Everyone was in the best spirits and enjoying themselves.

After her shoot we met back up and she had met a friend. She was one who we thought at the time was nice, but like I mentioned before people aren't what they seem here. Those details to come.
We all hung out and formed our own little Brunette Mafia as we frolicked through the festivities, laughed, caught up with friends from the previous year we were slowly approaching the days end. We loaded up on the buses and headed back to the hotel.
It was at this point where we thought we had gained a new friend. We headed to the room the get ready to go out that night and made the epic fail decision to go with her to her house so that she could stay with us. Little did we know how far we had to drive, and what we were getting ourselves into. That night we ended up awkwardly walking into one of the rookies for the Lakers apartment.
It was the most uncomfortable feeling to be there. As we sat at the kitchen bar we were offered a drink, I was not impressed by any means at the situation we were in and drinking just didn't seem like the smart thing to do not to mention there weren't any options that looked appealing. I took my drink as a courtesy, but chose to sit sober and observe my surroundings, as awkward as they were. We didn't stay very long. Since it was already so late and we had to be up early for the golf course the next morning,

we decided to leave. Which in my opinion was the best decision we had made all night. There are somethings you just have to learn the hard way, and trusting someone in LA is one of them. We made it safely to back to our hotel and vowed to never make that mistake again! I was so happy to find my bed and to fall asleep, after the crazy expedition we took across LA that night it was something of a comfort and familiarity that I most deeply didn't take for granted.

.:XOXO:. TMARIE

.:Wild West:.

2012-03-12T21:59:00.001-05:00

As we hit the black top in our drop top, I enjoyed the wind racing through my hair, snapping photos of the barren desert mountains exploding with beautiful bright burnt reds, oranges, and browns that paint this rustic feel across the terrain. With out a care in the world and with a great friend who listened to all my what seems like youthful boy nonsense drama, it was a great little road trip to help me appreciate the unbelievable things in life that people once thought was impossible- The Hoover Dam.

I remember driving over the Arizona State line and just staring out and looking at this massive man made fortress and really appreciating that someone with this idea believed in themselves enough to build such an amazing piece of architecture and now historical American attraction.

It was a such beautiful day. The Sun sat high in the sky, gently kissing my skin, and leaving it a golden color that glistened just like the naturally bronzed surroundings.

I've always had much appreciation for architecture, and have been somewhat fascinated with it. This was just so amazing, as I stared off into the distance, I was marveled at what was protected by this giant structure. I thought about things in my life that I had built a wall to protect. I also remembered the things I couldn't change and noted the things that I could. To walk along the bridge reflecting on things and just enjoy being alive knowing that I checked something off my buck-list was a satisfying feeling. I was utterly content with my life that day. The travel back to the city was so much fun. It was somewhat of a scavenger hunt for all things desert. One thing I definitely was on the hunt for was a cactus! YES! a Cactus, I know it seems silly but until this point in my life, as I recall, I had never seen one before.

I scanned the land as we drove into Boulder City and I was disappointed that there were none in sight. Then all of a sudden, in the front of a bank stood this large cactus. I was overly excited. I almost jumped out of the car! It was symbol of strength. I photographed with the one of the strongest plants to live. Somehow in the barren desert this magnificent plant fights for its survival eventually adapting and overcoming the unfavorable circumstances for growth. In my own similarities, I too was fighting and overcoming my surroundings that were holding me back from, not from physical growth, but mental, spiritual, and emotional growth.

The next thing we stumbled upon was a beautiful garden. It was a very unique garden, full of wonderful colors and flowers that would forever be in bloom. It was a garden that would never die in the desert. I was amazed at the beauty and art that surrounded me as I walked along a small path through flowers that stood as tall as me. I wish that I could have brought one home.

Our next scavenger find was a historic train station. Although the museum was closed we still stopped for a small photo op, and a little history lesson. The Nevada Southern Railroad museum is located on the tracks that were installed to support the construction of the Hoover Dam. It was pretty neat to see the locomotives on display and to read the history of this small city that lead to the success of the Hoover Dam. At the end of the day, as dark approached, we could see the city of neon lights up ahead.

When I got back to my room, I was quick to upload all my pictures from the days events. It had turned out to be a great day for my inner self, relaxing yet adventurous. The night promised to be just as adventurous when I met up with local friends for cocktails. We had a pretty good sized group going out that night with us. I didn't know some of them, but we became friends. It was a long night but the girls and I had a great time!!

The next day was just as long....LOL we definitely paid for our partying the night before. I dont think Megan and I got out of bed until 3 or 4. We just laid there misserable and laughing at the funny things that we saw and did going from bar to bar the night before. For instance....not getting in til 6 am turning on the hot tub to soak our feet because of all the walking we were doing in our 4 inch heels!
We grubbed down on some room service later that day when our bodies were feeling up to digesting food. It was still a little difficult to get it down. After finally getting up and eating, it was time for a Mani & Pedi to prep for the next few days in LA. I definitely needed it after the night before, my feet enjoyed the attention. I got back, ate again, and began packing for my flight to LA. Next stop was LaLa Land....I was pretty excited to see Rachel and Michelle. That was truely the only reason I was going. I wanted to my girls trip to continue. This vacation was something that was most needed at this time.

.:XOXO TMARIE:.

.:Spring Fever:.

2011-11-17T09:16:00.000-06:00

Well now that things slowed down for a week or two, I was able to plan my next moves. Between my travels and the "Dr.'s" travels it was hard to get time together but we made it work as much as we could. He was sparking an interest in my eye, and keeping my attention. Dinner dates, and late nights cuddled on the couch watching TV, reading our books and listening to his inner DJ were awesome building blocks to a new relationship. This was something I wasn't quite sure that I wanted just yet; but I didn't let the uncertainty keep me from the possibilities of having an interest in someone new. From my past, the things I had endured in previous months, I had came to the realization that it was time to move on with my life. Ironically, just as how it should be Trae text me. He said that I had received some mail at his house.

He knew it was my check from Sofft so he wanted to meet to deliver it to me. I decided that it was OK. We hadn't seen each other since November, so its no surprise I was a little weary and nervous. Our meeting place was on mutual grounds at Melrose pub for lunch on a blissful warm spring Sunday. I had driven by the place several times since it was close to home, but never stopped in. When I walked in, there he was, sitting at the table facing the door waiting for me to come in. He had on his leather motorcycle jacket and his helmet resting on the table next to him. Even with his bad boy style, his sweet smile still made my heart melt. Then I had to speak.

It was a simple "hello, how have you been?" you know the classic awkward sentence that everyone can relate to and I was no different. It was a nice short lunch, catching up and just talking about plans in the near future. Oddly enough when I left I had to remember the things that tore us apart. The things that I hadn't forgiven him for just yet and it reminded me of how far I had come the last few months, and why it was best to accept things the way they were and keep moving forward not looking back. That same night, my soon to be roommate Chris Nathan had a show at Bluebar. It was the first time my parents were to meet him and my sister to see him play.

Things ended up not working out with Erin as a new roommate so I posted in a last minute need for someone to move in on Facebook and Chris was the first to respond. I actually didn't mind the fact that we were going to have a guy roomie. I actually felt a little safer with that. My parents seemed to give the approval after that night. And things were finalized for the move at the end of March. I remember the week before I left for Vegas and LA, I saw the "Dr." a few times....was he really beginning to be on my mind frequently? Was I honestly ready for this? Or maybe I was getting Spring Fever?? Well, as I was packing for my vacation I was consumed with all the questions filling my mind of him....not to mention the decisions on what to pack for my trip.

It was tricky trying to get everything in one bag I was definitely was going to need a miracle. Although I found my solution for over packing, I wasn't able to come up with the answers my conscious was seeking about my new interest the "Dr." The next thing I knew it was time to board the jet plane headed west for the week. I was so ready and so excited to see Rachel and Michelle and everyone from the Playboy Golf family in a few days. As I flew off into the sunset, I remember dosing off and thinking to myself that I was going to miss him this week. I touched down in the "City of Sin" so exhausted from the 4hour flight.

The only thing that was on my mind was food and sleep. I had a busy next day. I decided to have dinner with my friend who was in town as well. We ate at this yummy place in Caesar's Palace called MESA Grill, brought to you by famous chef Bobby Flay. Dinner was absolutely exquisite. I remember I had the New Mexican Spice Rubbed Pork Tenderloin, one of the original classic entrees. The dish was prepared with Bourbon- Ancho Chile sauce, a sweet potato tamale and crushed pecan butter, that just melted in your mouth. The blend of flavors and spices were just amazing. After a full belly it was time for sleep. We had and early day. I wanted to go to see Hover Dam. Of all the times I have been to Vegas I never really enjoyed the tourist sight seeing and tomorrow promised a beautiful day for the ride out to Hoover.

The next morning I woke up nice and early refreshed from the long flight the night before. I got in touch with some local friends to see what the plans were for the evening and I got ready for the day and headed off to meet my friend for brunch. It was good to reconnect with friends and catch up. I was enjoying my stay so far. Brunch was fun, and hilarious with all the food I could put down. But dessert was the best part! They had all of these little mini desserts, and it was so hard to stop with just one! After brunch we headed to get the car for the ride out to Hoover. It was such amazing weather for the day and I was excited!!

.:XOXO TMARIE:.

.:In my shoes:.

2011-11-03T23:52:00.000-05:00

Its a shoe-aholics dream ....the job I work twice a year and it was coming up the following weekend. (wow when I look back- February was a busy month for me!) It was gona be a girls weekend, but a sad one. My fellow model/ friend was not working this time, she had moved to Hawaii back in November. I was sad but happy for her at the same time. With her leaving my side I was called upon to help find a replacement model for the show that weekend in Atlanta. Lucky for me Nashville houses a lot of good looking size 6 shoe models, and most of them were friends of mine. Heather was requested to be my replacement for Alexis, and was planned to work for Sofft, but she had also been requested by George. Being the loyal person she is, she decided to work for George, and Amberley was hired to work with me. Heather became sick and unable to work, and I was left to find her replacement for George at the Cushe booth. I didn't want to let him down so I asked a friend to work last minute, and then we were off to Atlanta. Since I didn't work Fridays at the time we left that morning to drive down. The drive down was pretty awesome, curled up in the back seat I was relaxed and enjoying our bonding conversations.They were about meaningful things that enlighten the way or the path for which we live, whether them being moments in life that have happened to us or the unconscious mind that awakens deep in your dreams for you to piece together the next morning. It was definitely note worthy and I know I learned a few things along that rural route through the Georgia hills. Amberley had told Courtney and I about this outlet mall just 45 mins north of Buckhead up highway 400. My favorite stores I was anticipating were True Religion and BCBG Maxazria. As we rolled up to the land of the outlets, I was excited. I have always loved a good sale :) I would definitely say we loaded up on some goods while we were there, haha. Then we headed to check in at the hotel. It was weird staying in a hotel this time, since I always stayed with Alexis. To our surprise when we walked into our suite there was a king. It was obvious that the hotel didn't get our double bed request and they were sold out of those rooms. So the 3 of us unpacked, freshened up, and piled on the king, 7 year old little girl slumber party style. It was quite entertaining. Amberley and Courtney both sleep with eye masks and I didn't. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and whispering to Courtney to pull the covers over because she was in the middle; ha ha, she reacted so fast that she jumped up out of her sleep and almost knocked me out with her arm because she couldn't see. LMAO this was so funny I laughed for days about it. Our hotel room in the morning was nothing but beauty secrets revealed. Amberley has this hobby of finding natural organic cosmetics that are good for the skin and she shared some of those with me. You can also view her blog for more info at http://www.naturalbeautyguru.blogspot.com/ . My friend that was supposed to work with Courtney left us hanging that morning, and I was stuck. It was last minute, thank goodness I could count on Summer she pulled through for part of the weekend to work with George. I was so thankful that I could pull things together so last minute like that. Once we got to work that day it was busy most of the day. Around lunch time I walked over to see if Summer had made it in and she did. It was such a relief. That night we went out to dinner in Atlanta, came home, and relaxed so that we could get up early for another day in the world of shoes. I was so happy to be working, it was my brief escape from reality. My Sofft shoe family were always wonderful people to see and catch up with, and I had so much tell them since August of the previous year. I enjoyed learning things from their experiences, whether it be in life or in business. I looked up to Phil and thrived in his presence during the shows to learn as much as I could about the industry hoping one day to be added to the family officially. One day.....yep, one day...but hey life is short, so you know what to do... buy the shoes :) everyone always feels good in a new pair of shoes, and I did in mine....Hello Chuck Taylor!

That was a wrap for the show and we were headed back to Nashville...back to my cold reality that was looking a little warmer, as I could begin to feel my heart beat again, my birthday rolled up two days later. At the strike of midnight I felt my phone buzz, not sure who it might have been, I reached over and the glow of my phone in my dark room lit a name across the screen, it was Trae. He was wishing me happy birthday at 12:01 am on the 24th of February. It was so unexpected. I hadn't heard from him in a while. But it was good to know that he was thinking of me on my day of birth and the first one I received on my actual birthday. I got so many birthday wishes from friends and family and that one after everything still meant the most to me. When I got home from work that day, to my humble surprise was a small package from East Tennessee. Alys had sent me a gift, it was beautiful ring with my birthstone and a kindly reminder for when every time I wear it in the future of our friendship and though far away would always be there and support me no matter what my decisions were, or who I was dating or not dating. Even though I had my big party for my birthday, there were still a couple birthday events lined up for that last weekend of February.

Paige the sweet person that she was took my sister and I out to dinner for our birthdays in Cool Springs with Andrew and Brandon to Chuys. It was my first experience eating there, and it was so fun. We had a blast that night, after dinner we went to Dan McGunnis for a few drinks to hangout. But I wasn't feeling so well. We headed home after that. Forgetting to get my gifts from her car that night we set up another dinner the 3 of us at Virago's, where gifts we received, and I must say she did a great job picking out something I liked :) but I was sad that I had to exchange the sizes and the didn't have it my size anymore. I still greatly appreciated her caring and thoughtfulness.

Happy Valley was the conclusion to this February escapade I was on. In my true 80's baby soulful fashion, I rocked my Chuck Taylors, an over sized tee-shirt, and tights that night with a leather jacket....Yep it was so much fun. Andrew and I met up with a bunch of friends that night. We rocked out til late in the night, with pillow fights and photo shoots. This birthday was great, this month was great. Celebrating with amazing new friends and getting my spirits back. I hadn't seen the "Dr." much that month because of everything that I had going on, but we were still talking and getting to know each other better, it was slowly growing but that was ok with me. The next month was going to be crazy, finding a new place to live with adding Erin as a roommate, Vegas, and the Playboy Mansion trip coming up, I had a lot to plan for. But I was ready for the next adventures I was about to embark on.

.:XOXO TMARIE:.

~Under the Pisces Sign~

2011-11-03T11:08:00.001-05:00

Half way through the month of February the zodiac signs change and the last of the 12 sun signs rule. As for all my fellow birthday party friends, I was the only Pisces. Not only was it the end of the Zodiac year, but also the end of the last 8 years for the ruling of Uranus. Now I don't exactly believe in all the Horoscope nonsense; but when I sometimes read about them and how my traits, and personality match up, you cant help but wonder how is this on point with how I am feeling?? See below.

Pisces: Uranus has a strong psychic effect on you from now through 2011. Your natural inclination to fantasize will lead you into deeper realms, from astral travel to shamanic journeys. Pisces writers, artists, and inventors among others benefit from bursts of creativity and development of the mind’s eye. Your ability to envision and intuit strengthens your innate gifts. As your inner world grows, changes in personality and outward appearance will also become evident. Your style and appearance attract attention, and over time it’s likely you will have entirely reinvented yourself.

Isn't that just incredible. Reinventing myself within the past few years. Well, yes... this was true. I was growing internally. As Valentines Day approached, the worst feeling was to be alone. At least that's what everyone portrays. I was feeling a little sad that I didn't have a Valentine exactly; but I still wasn't at a point with anyone in particular to share this holiday with. As the bouquets passed by my desk to go sit eloquently on the desk of the girls around me, it filled the office with an aroma quite lovely from the scents of rose, lilies, and daisies. Flowers are always so beautiful and uplifting, even though I didn't receive any for my desk that day I came home to a lovely surprise from my bestie, Alys. It was a bouquet of the most gorgeous flowers to help brighten my spirits. I was so happy to open them. It was something her and I did because of our long distance friendship. They were always little unexpected surprises, that put smiles on our faces in times of sadness. And I thank her for that.

The best gift I would've received on a day like that was from the US government. It was in a direct result to accomplishing for the first time ever my New Years Resolution -To get my Passport. I made this my resolution because I wanted to be open to the possibilities of the world to travel, learn new cultures, explore unknown lands. Yes you can say that I was inspired by Eat, Pray, Love but who wouldn't be? As I was growing and reinventing myself this was one less thing to hold me back from the possibilities of future travel.

Lotus Flower- Symbolizes something
beautiful & pure growing
from something dark & murky

Early in October my sister and I found a meaning to us that symbolized our strength together and it was the Lotus. We were supposed to get matching tattoos but I will admit I am still a little nervous about getting my first tattoo. But To celebrate Valentines day and our growth to the light from the darkness we shared a sisterly love for Asian culture over a sushi date. It was quite and quaint but just what we needed to end the day was each other and some miso soup and a maki roll :)

Two days later my sister and I were so excited to see the 3Doors Down private show at 12 & Porter. They were filming an acoustic show for one their major sponsors. This was going to be my first performance to see them live. Which was really cool because it was such an intimate show. As they were setting up equipment, we gathered outside the tour buses hanging with my close and new friends, anxiously waiting to go inside from the cold weather.

The guys were always a blast and entertaining to be around. Our new thing that Judah started was this camera for Retro pictures on our phones. Troy and & Jen put our reserved seating notes out in front to hold our spots for the show. She was always the sweetest. I remember not long before hanging out at her and Brad's house with the guys and how down to earth they both were. Brad is such a southern Mississippi boy. We had devoured some Famous Dave's BBQ (Brad's local fave) and Jen made me feel so welcomed we bonded as the only 2 girls in the house, so I was excited to see her again. The show turned out amazing! They played a sneak acoustic preview of songs from the new upcoming album. This made my anticipation for the release even higher. They also played some of their biggest hits that night, I couldn't believe that this was the first time seeing them ... it was crazy but a great group of people. It was truly an awesome experience and added a another check on my bucket list.

{Celebration of Life}

2011-10-26T09:59:00.005-05:00

Manuel and I

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years" - Abe Lincoln

Another year older and another year wiser. I was truly excited about what the weekend had in store. It was the celebration of many lives. Michelle arrived Friday afternoon for the weekend of festivities. It was her first time ever visiting me here. I had a great weekend planned. We had two tickets to the Sweethearts for Scholarships Gala that evening. This was the 8th annual "black tie" banquet and charity auction to raise money to support scholarships initiatives at Nashville State Community College. The event was located downtown and hosted at the new prestigious Hutton Hotel for the evening.

There were local celebrities, such as Manuel, one of Nashville's favorite, silent auctions and of course the Sweetheart couple nominated for this years event who preformed after dinner. After the event we met up with Andrew to show Michelle around Nashville. Our first stop was Citizen, that was where "the Dr." and other friends were going after the Gala, and he wanted us to meet him there. The evening was quite interesting, opinions were formed on certain situations and from the actions of people that were around me. I wasn't really aware until I got home, although this was only opinions, I still had to make my own decisions on how I wanted things to happen. If the pursuit was still worth it, what would I do?

The next day was recovery and relaxation before the big party. My little brother came to visit and stay with us that day. We sat around pretty much all day watching movies. The weather that day was quite nice out surprisingly for February. Planning for this night took months. Our guest list was around 150+ of friends from all the birthday babies. Doug reserves us the VIP upstairs room at MAI that night. They were also hosting the i106 Bitterball that night for Valentines Day. So I remember running around getting ready and trying to decide how the drive was gonna go. Michelle had an idea about getting a limo to take everyone.

So I called and Andrew and he gave me Matt's number to book one. This was a great birthday present from Michelle that night, it worked out for us nicely, because my little brother was able to go to dinner with us. We met everyone at Todd's before dinner where the limo picked us up. There was about 20 of my closest friends that had dinner with us at Urban Flats. I was really happy my little brother could come hangout. The vibes of the table were quite amazing, it was filled with excitement, giggles, love and true appreciation of friendship as we toasted to the birthdays, and enjoyed our drinks over delicious flat breads of our choice. After dinner we finished it off with a cake and candles. When I think back and remember watching the smoke of the candles fade, just looking around at everyone engaged in conversation with glowing smiles of joy, I felt truly blessed to be seated around all of my friends that night. After a wonderful dinner it was time to get the party started, we loaded up the limo and headed to MAI.

.:Party Photos by Carl Gillespie:.

It was quite the disaster when we
got there. Everything was so disorganized and on top of it all Doug was at home sick. They had booked a frat party before the club opened that night, and were having trouble making them leave to reopen. My argument to them for not letting us in, was that we had a time booked and it was a separate private party, but they made us wait outside. I was NOT happy at all with this. Another issue once we were able to get inside around 11ish was that, we had agreed upon our guest list as no cover that night (which is why went through the trouble of putting it in alpha order with full names) but we were told when we got there that they had to be in by 12 or they had to pay cover. This was unacceptable!! Jake had guests from Urban Flats that were attending when they got off, etc...there were quite a few people coming in after 12 because of prior obligations.

I was so pissed, that we ended up getting it back to the way it was supposed to be but paying the price of running up and down to verify names, because the doors girls apparently didn't know how to read. I was tired of battling with them and wasn't enjoying the night anymore, so around 12 I gave up and headed upstairs. From that point it was all shots, I needed to catch up to everyone. At the end of it all it was great night. I had so much fun and spent time with close friends that I only see every once in a while. The next year of my life was definitely going to be something to celebrate!!

.:XOXO TMARIE:.

.:All Snow and Games:.

2011-10-19T16:52:00.001-05:00

February the month of "Love" is always super busy for me, and this year there would be no reason for anything different about that. With Pred's games, concerts, and birthdays, I didn't stand a chance with free time to myself! The first Friday night of the month was my best friend Jake's birthday, just so you can fully understand the way the birthdays roll out for the month it starts with Jake- Feb 4, Brit- Feb 8, Chris Feb-10, Todd- Feb 13, Trever & Kashonda- Feb 16, & Mine the 24th. We ended up not doing anything that night, because for the past 2 years we have had the celebration for lives with a big birthday bash! But this year would be different because of new friends that have came into my life.

My first Saturday night of the month was spent 2 rows back from the ice, watching the Preds vs Redwings game!! I went with my friend Craig, he picked me up and we headed to the sold out arena. I was so excited to see the game, I was becoming an avid hockey fan this season. The games were always fun :) and I enjoyed everytime I was able to go. I couldn't believe when we stepped inside the arena how many people were there. It was like a concert. I remember having one of the best nights out with Craig that night. He was a huge hockey fan so we lived it up and cheered on our Preds!!

The first Sunday of the month is always celebrated watching football, its become "America's Holiday." Its when all of America sits down in front of big screen surrounded by friends, football and beer! <-- can't forget the beer or the chili! This year instead of a party, I made plans with the Dr. to get our friends together at Sam's in the Village for some Super Bowl action. The 12 of us all sat around surrounding a table full of beer bottles, pizzas and nachos. The TVs all around the bar were tuned in and so were we, laughing, joking, making new friends. It was such an awesome night. The Dr. and I got along great he was starting to grow on me, there was definitely something about him that I liked. It was strange to think back in December, I had actually went to his Christmas party, was introduced...and we didn't start hanging out until the end of Jan, for some reason people reoccur in our lives and we don't know why. But there was reason why we met and I didn't know why just yet. But, I have to say this was a Superbowl to remember.

It was back to the work week, but no one expected what was about to happen. The weather had been pretty crazy this winter so far. We definitely saw a lot of snowy days, but none of them were like this day. I remember just sitting at my desk watching the flurries lightly fall from the sky. It wasn't something I was too concerned about until an hour later when I noticed the parking lot was fully covered with a white blanket about an inch thick. The temperature dropped so quickly that day which made the roads across Nashville so dangerous. I packed up and headed out which seemed to be the same time that everyone else did in Metro Center. It took me 30 mins just to get out of my parking lot. The roads were so bad that I almost couldn't get my car up the hill, especially with traffic as slow as it was.

I remember my wheels sliding and coming inches from hitting the car next to me. But with the way my Daddy taught me how to drive in snow and years of practice in the mustang, we made it safely to Troy's at Werthan, it may have taken me 2 hours to go 2miles but I made it without a scratch! Now my sister on the other hand. Poor thing took her 5+ hours to get home from Cool Springs. Brentwood traffic was a nightmare on any other given day, but throw snow and ice into the mix and it = DISASTER! I didn't even chance driving that far. But she had no other choice. Five hours later she was still sitting there, so Troy and I were gonna go rescue her, until we got notice the her Boo was coming to the rescue. So with the city in gridlock and nothing to do, Troy and I went to the grocery store for dinner and dessert <-- Brownies yum! I of course didn't have any other clothes so I threw on some over sized sweatpants, a hoodie and Todd's jacket and we set out. Destination - Food! Needless to say we survived that night and most of the snow was gone the next day. Which was a blessing because our big birthday celebration was in 2 days and all that planning couldn't go to waste!

.:XOXO TMARIE:.

New Year * New Life

2011-10-18T16:56:00.000-05:00

Where do I begin? that was just the thing...I woke up to a new day, a new beginning, a new opportunity for a new life. But the first thing to do was get some breakfast and get my car from the night before. LOL...The month of January seemed to fly by so fast. I spent my first weekend of the year in LA visiting friends. I went to see Julie (Trae's brother's girlfriend). I stayed with her while I was out there. It was quite the girls weekend.

We played around Sunset Blvd and Hollywood most of the first day. I got to meet Jennifer in LA while she was in town looking at new places to live and for her interview. That evening we picked up London and chilled at home, because I was so tired from traveling. The next day we took London to dance class and I got to see her practice, she was so cute. Afterwards we went out to Manhattan beach for Lunch and I visited with friends that evening before my early flight the next morning. It was a short little trip but I was glad to get away.

I met some great people that month. I was getting to know Todd a little better, because he was in town most of the month while 3DoorsDown finished up their new album that was going to be released in April. My "tripod" was always out and about, we were going to Pred's games every week, hitting the local bars, checking out new artists. It was definitely a busy month for me. One of the first Pred's game of the month we all went out afterwards; Andrew took me to Broadway Brewhouse for my first bushwhacker. These were absolutely delicious! If wasn't like 30 degrees outside I would've had more than one. I like to call them adult frosties.

Click his name for inquiries

I also attended one of my first Alan Scott trunk shows that month. It was in Franklin at Battle Ground Brewery. I wasn't quite sure what to expect. But the girls and I met Andrew and Paige there. I knew that this designer created leather goods for celebrities, but I didn't know if I was going to like it and I most definitely did. I bought a cuff- made with 12-gage shotgun shells and I was in love with the first clutch he designed for his assistant. The skull was made from stingray leather. She sold this to me that night because I was so infatuated with it.

The following week, I went out with my sister to dinner and met up with Andrew later. He introduced to Chris Nathan. We went to see his show at 12&Porter. I loved his music, it was awesome. Something I hadn't heard around Nashville yet. Andrew and I invited J and Chris out the next night to a private place we had been steadily attending on Saturday nights now. Chris ended up not going because it wasn't his thing. So J, Brit, Andrew, Brandon, and I all went for a chill night of drinks. The place was a little slow that night, but I remember having a good time anyways. I remember sitting there looking at the people along the bar and someone striking my interest. I told Andrew what I was thinking because he knew who he was, to let it be known to him I was interested but, unavailable at the moment. It was pretty funny the reaction that I saw. So I said "Hello..Im sure I will be seeing you around soon" and went on my way. We left to go to Rebar for some bushwhackers and the chill night turned into of course a long night once again.

The taco truck was conveniently parked outside the bar, just waiting for us to walk up and order ridiculous amounts of unhealthy food.... but that good when your drunk kinda food, you know the kind you regret the next morning. I believe that same week I met a dear friend to me Amy, through Andrew. She was the sweetest person. I remember her just being so kind and gentle to feelings. Little did I know how our friendship would blossom from that night out. The 2nd to last weekend was approaching. I knew I would be out on the town both Friday and Saturday night for Heather's birthday. That Friday was spent as the usual, dinner at Urban Flats, drinks at Whiskey, drinks at Citizen, then on to midtown for Rebar late night action with Brit, Andrew, Troy and Brandon. This was beginning to become quite the regular. The next morning after crashing out at Werthan because once again we couldn't drive home. We grabbed breakfast at this pancake place close to home called The Pfunky Griddle. It was so cute and I heard so much about it. It was so cool, how you made your own food on the grill at the table. So Troy, Brit and I checked it out. And it was pretty delish! I def recommend it.

Well, not long after recuperating that day it was that time again to get dressed to go out only this time it was for the Epic birthday celebration for Heather. The events started with 20 people at dinner at Goten<--- NEVER EAT HERE!! the worst service ever! It wasn't long until our belly's were full that we were headed to the Honky Tonks on Broadway. We started out at Tootsies, and come to find out my parents and family were out partying themselves next door. So they came with us for part of the night.

The night was full of joy, excitement, alcohol, and of course laughs, whether it was about people watching in the bar or just laughing at the though of us singing at the top of our lungs "dixieland delight," but it was so much fun! This was the first night my parents were introduced to Andrew. They knew we had been going out a lot together lately but it wasn't anything along the lines of dating, although that night him and I were reading into the fact that they secretly wished it was LOL.

That night I had on my right hand a ring that resembled an engagement ring. So being typical Andrew and I.....we decided to play a joke on my parents. In the middle of the upstairs bar at Tootsies, he got down on one knee and proposed. LMAO it was the funniest thing to see my Mom jump up with confusion and excitement all at once. Not to mention the whole Bar giving Andrew high-fives. So we played it off for a little bit for free drinks, but my Mom quickly came to the realization that it was just a joke. LOL. When we left Tootsies my parents parted ways, and we headed to Element a brief club that was open on 2nd, for a little dance action. The night was almost over but not for my tripod+Brit.

We headed to Carl's for my late night/ early morning "Tiffany's" breakfast. I put my intoxicated skills to work. LOL. We ended up with sausage, eggs, pancakes, and a box of Cheezits to snack on. I must say everyone was quite pleased and approved! It was definitely a night to remember.

The last weekend of January was spent at the usual places...i.e. Citizen, Mai etc...I took a new friend out with me that night her name was Joey. while we were out I remember I ran into the guy that captured my attention from across the bar the last time I was there. He questioned me as to why I wouldn't give him my number, I simply said "I'm not looking to date anyone" he responded "well maybe you will think differently after letting me take you to dinner." So I agreed, and gave it to him. We went to dinner at the Acorn a few nights later. I was kinda nervous, but he was so sweet. He opened the doors for me, helped with my coat...etc..it was so gentlemen like and I was thoroughly impressed. Conversation was delightful and respectable. I definitely knew I wanted to see him again. So with Super Bowl Sunday coming up "the Dr." and I made plans to get together with friends. The month of January was a month to remember, but my year was only getting started, and I had 11 more months to go.
.:XOXO TMARIE:.

Deleting 2010

2011-10-18T10:31:00.000-05:00

I couldn't believe how fast the year had come and gone, as well as all the traveling and life changing moments I had experienced along the way. My buck list had a few things checked complete, but still left many more things to conquer in my future. Although this was the end of the year it was symbolizing a new beginning, as it does for everyone, but for me in particular.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Elliot

This was something so true. I was wasn't sure what was in store for my new beginning, but I was starting from an end, whether it be the end of the year or the end of my relationship. All things must come to an end and I was ready to close the door on some of the most unforgettable moments in my life and also some I wouldn't prefer to remember. The weekend started with me running around finishing up helping a friend decorate the Berger building for the NYE party that was being thrown there. When Alys arrived I was still preparing for the party. This was such a crazy day. I went home to start getting ready, waiting on the girls to get home.

The before party was at Todd's condo at Werthan. I had been hanging out here for around month now but hadn't met Todd yet until this night. Once we arrived, the drinks and joyful laughter were surrounded by us. We only stayed a short while because we had to make an appearance at the Berger party before meeting back up with everyone a from Todd's at the Hardrock for their show. Troy loaded us up in his truck to drop us off so we didn't have to drive. He was always so wonderful with taking care of us. It meant alot to me. The casino party at the Berger/ Standard was so fun. We met up with Erin for a little bit, danced, greeted my friends that purchased tickets from me and decided to head down to the Hardrock to meet up with Troy and everyone. We couldn't catch a cab quick enough from where we were, so was started walking down Commerce towards 2nd ave. The wind was so strong that night. It was predicted that a storm was going to blow through. I remember feeling as if I was going to be knocked over!! We walked a block and grabbed a cab to take us maybe 3 blocks because of traffic. So we hopped out on 3rd Ave and walked the rest of the way. Troy was waiting on us with our VIP passes. And it was drinking time, we felt like we needed to catch up to everyone before the big moment of the night. Todd was playing in his other band 7DayBinge that night which is why we all partied there and watched the Nashville Guitar Drop above the massive crowd down below on Broadway.

I remember the last few moments of that year so perfectly. I remember being so lost in the mix of memories and emotions flashing before my eyes and looking around in daze, in my own little world realizing that this was my reality and all the while dreaming and wanting to be somewhere else. I remember the New Years before and the joking around that Trae and I said that this time the following year I wasnt spending this New Years as his girlfriend....although I didn't literally think that was going to happen, I was hoping actually for quite the opposite. Its crazy how things in your subconscious sometimes come true at some point it, as if you draw these things to you out of the universe. I remember toasting to the goodbyes of 2010 and welcoming the New Year and all the possibilities I was willing to see with open eyes and open arms. The toast was inspirational and bittersweet. I was so lucky to have friends and family with me those last few moments. I had come so far that cold month of December and I wasnt looking back once the clock struck midnight.10...9...8....7....6...5...4...3...2....1.....HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! All around me the excitement level was at its highest....loads of cheers and laughter and sweet kisses. It was kinda depressing, but I didnt let it get me down. With in seconds of ringing in the new year it became a down pour on Broadway. It was as if the weather held out long enough for passionate new years kisses under the falling rain for those below. Once all the NYE hype had slowed down it was time for shots and a little Rock-n-Roll. Our party was just getting started, and it continued through night and early into the morning as the bottom of the sky continued to fall, as if it was washing away all things of 2010. 7DayBinge killed it on stage that night. The rest of the night became a blur as most of them did. I just remember Troy picking us up at the Hardrock and heading to Cafe Coco which I am sure we spent hours trying to eat. The night was long but I was happy that it was over. Thank you to the ones I spent that evening with....Troy, Alys, Britt, Todd, Darrell, Erin, Lindsey, etc you know who you are....It was a great NYE!

.:XOXO TMARIE:.

The Holiday Spirit

2011-10-11T17:01:00.000-05:00

After we got home things seemed to go right back to the way they were. I was getting tired of trying so hard to make this work. So I did what I never thought I would, I gave up. I gave up on the thought that someday this would work its self out. On that cold day in December I let go.

In the meantime it was the Holidays, and while everyone was in high spirits and celebrating, I was totally a scrooge. I had no desire to celebrate one of the best times during the year. I tried to let it in with making my Mom's homemade chili, having eggnog and cookie nights while curled up on the couch watching football. But it wasn't helping. I did however see a movie one of those nights that truly inspired me. Eat Pray Love.

In the end, I've come to believe in something I call "The Physics of the Quest." A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you. ~ Liz Gilbert

This is one of my favorite books now. I remember sitting there, watching, relating so closely to some of the things she was battling within herself. It helped me decide to focus on myself and realize that I was on my journey to finding myself as well. This opened up my eyes to start getting out and just truly enjoying what the universe would bring into my new life. It was the first day of my new life, leaving my sorrows behind.

One of the first things I did in December was accompany my high school sweetheart, now close friend to the Garth Brooks concert. We had 4th row seats. This was such an amazing concert, and something I truly needed. Something that helped lift my spirits. Not long after that a great friend of mine whom I give most credit to helping me find my Holiday Spirit called me on a Saturday night. A night I had planned to stay home. He said "Get ready we are leaving in an hour to go to a Christmas party. Its a charity for, Toys for Tots." There were no arguments made I said "OK, call you when I am ready." That was a turning point for me.

Andrew introduced me to so many new people that night. I met Troy, he is one of the most caring guys I still know to this day. He has always been there for me since the night we met. He is someone I know I can always count on. I met Erin and Summer that night as well two great girl friends that were a blast to hang out with. That night ended up to be a long one. I remember ending up at Werthan Mills playing PS3 motion at 5 am and passing out on the couch after.

It was an unexpected, unforgettable night. That same week I met up to reconnect with a friend from high school, Peyton. He was someone special. I was glad to see, talk with and catch up with him. This was something in the making, someone that would be there for me later as new people came into my life. He knew me before all things considered, so talking with him, helped me get back to myself.

For the next few weeks I rolled around town with my "Tripod" aka Troy, Andrew and I. We went to multiple Christmas parties and just hung out on football Sundays. They were my feet on the ground, my way of finding my Holiday spirit. It was a comfort and security I missed, just simply being around people who appreciated you and wanted to share the joy of life with you. I was happy, I was also proud to say I hadn't really spoke to Trae most of the month. We met up once for dinner, just before Christmas.

Which turned out to be completely awkward and I ended up leaving the night early. I knew I wasn't going to see him anymore until after the new year. So I just left it at that. It was finally Christmas Eve and I was ready. My sister and I went home to our parents to enjoy family time.

We woke up that morning, had a yummy breakfast with mimosas and did the usual opening of gifts. That day consisted of laughter, wine, sitting around the fire place eating good food, and watching football. My little brother got the XBOX 360 Kinect which we entertained ourselves to every extent that evening. It was nice to be home with just family. It was our first Christmas that my sister and I didn't have significant others coming home with us.

This had been beautiful Christmas holiday so far and that night Andrew and friends started a tradition. This was the first Christmas Trolley Pub crawl. We started that night at Whiskey Kitchen, where we all met had our first round of drinks and then loaded up the Trolley. There were close to 20 of us celebrating our last Christmas party blowout. Everyone was ready to get down to business and it was snowing like crazy outside at the beginning of the night. I was surprised with the turnout. Our next stop was Blue Bar for blue shots. Once we got to Blue bar we went to the Rack room and played some music on the jukebox along with a couple games of pool.

I remember having so much fun, and laughing at the fact no one believed that my sister and I could play pool. After being there for a little bit, it was on to the next bar. We ended up on Nashville's Famous Printers Alley at Bourbon Street Blues & Boogie bar for a little live music and of course our theme of the night shots! As we danced and rocked out...we moved right along to Luau Louie's for a more dance club atmosphere.

I remember this place being so dead when we first got there, but getting busy the longer we stayed. Of course we brought our own party and I was dancing my little heart out. I know we left and went a couple places towards the end of the night but those were vague moments. In the blur of the night we got food and ended up passing out at Werthan again. I have to say this was quite the Christmas holiday. I had so much to be thankful for, my friends were amazing to me at this time in my life! But I was ready for the last week of 2010 to be over.

.:XOXO TMARIE:.

~Vegas Thanksgiving~

2011-10-07T13:22:00.000-05:00

That night as I packed my things to go over to Trae's I was excited to see the family soon. I was hopelessly wanting this to mend our relationship. This time away from everyone here. When I arrived to his house the night before we chilled and watched TV. It was an early morning for us, we were flying on Thanksgiving morning, bright and early.

This was my first time ever away from my family for the holiday so it was a bit different. We woke up close to the time we were supposed to leave. We barely made it on our flight. But at least we made it. Next stop was Salt Lake City for our layover. We made it there for our 3 hour layover, which we spent most of the time watching football in one of the pubs in the airport. Like I mentioned before this was one of my favorite things to do with him.

A sharing little bit of food, a little bit of beer, and a game of football to watch sounded like a perfect layover to me! It was good to see him smile. That was one of my favorite things about him and his laugh. We we finally landed in Vegas and we were starving! We needed to unpack for the weekend and I was ready for a shower and to get ready for dinner. I thought we had plans somewhere for dinner but these two didn't make a reservation thinking it would be easy to get in somewhere. Well that wasn't the case, and the only thing on their minds was poker. So they did a quick change and headed down to the tables while I got ready. When I met them down in the casino, we tried to figure out what we wanted to do. I haven't been anywhere but home for Thanksgiving so I was bit lost other than I wanted, you know the usual feast. So we chose the Buffet, not thinking it would take the line long to move, well needless to say we were wrong.

We spent two long hours of our night waiting to eat!! This was crazy! It was time well spent though. We made friends with a mother and daughter who took this trip together every year. They were so sweet, two hours later our table for 3 became a table for 5. That's what Thanksgiving was about, making friends, giving, and sharing thanks for what we had in this world. It was a joyful dinner full of laughter and stories we shared with our new friends. Although I was finally happy to eat I wasn't feeling very well. So after dinner I went to the room to sleep and the guys played poker. I was ready for everyone else to get in town though. The next day I spent shopping with Trae, he let the girl at Sephora talk me into red lipstick, we bought wine for the evening in.

We decided there was no need to go out since it was just us two. Which was fine to me, I wanted the alone time with him. When everyone arrived the next day, it was a day of gambling. Blackjack, Poker, Sports book, slots...this family definitely loved to play and bet. After watching the games that evening in the Sports book, we couldn't decide what to do, so the plan was to take me to Old Town, where the original Las Vegas strip was. I was so excited, of all the times I had been to Vegas I hadn't gone down to see this. The lights, the people, the cold weather, bundled up next to Trae as we walked was an evening unforgettable.

We even sat and played dollar blackjack with the addicted. After we left, Trae went back to the poker tables and Troy and I played blackjack, we bonded that night I think. As he was having problems with Julie, we could relate on opposite terms with our relationships. It was good talking with him. Learning things I never knew. Well the weekend was over and we were getting up the next morning to fly back home. I was sad to leave, because I would be going back home to my harsh reality. That this was maybe only just a dream a glimer of hope that this could bring back together. I was soon to find out it wasn't.

.:XOXO TMARIE:.