Xtreme Customer Service

Finding that Human Touch with Customer Service Representatives

2011-02-13T11:32:00.000-08:00

Are you worn out with having to deal with automated customer service? Have you had your fill of pressing buttons only to find your question doesn't get answered? If so, this article entitled Where Have All the Customer Service Representatives Gone? from the Chicago Tribune by Problem Solvers Kristin Samuelson and Jon Yates may be of service. It offers some tips on how to get a live human.

It was Saturday afternoon when the Problem Solver opened his phone bill and discovered a minor billing error.

No problem, he thought. He’ll just call the phone company and clear things up.

Silly him.

After dialing the toll-free customer service number, it took him 12 key prompts just to get to a computerized voice that allowed him to scream into the phone a verbal command: “CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT.”

Of course, by then it was past 4 p.m. and all the customer service agents had left the call center.

“Sorry,” the computer told the Problem Solver. “This office is currently closed.”

It took considerable restraint not to slam the phone against his kitchen wall, but after a few moments, his calm returned.

The reality is, getting through to an actual person at many companies’ customer service departments can be a little like discovering the lock combination to a bank vault. Hit the right numbers, and the world is your oyster.

Thankfully, there are ways to game the system.

Websites like GetHuman.com and DialAHuman.com list hundreds of companies along with their phone numbers and instructions on which phone prompts to punch to more quickly get to a human being.

GetHuman.com, the more elaborate of the two sites, lists multiple phone numbers for many of the largest companies, and includes average wait times on hold, along with user ratings — from “horrible” to “good.”

Roland Via, the former mayor of Holly Hills, Fla., started DialAHuman.com five years ago in a fit of aggravation after calling several companies and having trouble reaching a living, breathing person.

“Time, to me, is valuable,” he said.

Wading through the dial prompts just to get patched through to a recorded message is a terrible waste, Via said.

Both GetHuman.com and DialAHuman.com are monitored by actual callers, who contribute tips on how they got through to a human being, along with warnings about particularly bad phone numbers or uncaring companies.

“Sometimes the companies find out (about a number being on the site) and then they’ll change the mechanics of the number,” Via said. “The viewers of the website will let me know.”

While each automated phone system is designed differently, Via and Walt Tetschner, GetHuman.com’s founder, said there are tricks that often work across all systems.

If you’re dialing in circles and can’t break through the computerized system, try playing dead. Many automated systems rely on input, so if you don’t punch a key, they get confused and transfer you to an operator. Some systems also include a default for folks who still have old rotary-dial phones. After a certain length of silence, the call is automatically transferred to an operator.

If waiting doesn’t work — and the system accepts voice prompts — try speaking complete nonsense. Blather on in words the system can’t identify and it might just think you’re crazy. Turns out, most automated systems can’t handle crazy, and many of them will forward you directly to an operator.

If neither playing dead nor speaking gobbledygook work, try the most obvious move: hit zero. Some systems use another number, like 2 or 6, so try all 10.

You can also do an end-around and avoid the automated system altogether. To do so, search for the company’s corporate headquarters, then find a number for the main offices. By avoiding a call center, you often can reach an actual employee. Even if that person is not qualified to help you, often they will patch you through to a customer service agent, if for no other reason than to get you off the phone.

Once you do reach an actual person, ask him or her for a direct line to get back in touch. Getting a direct-dial phone number is worth its weight in gold, allowing you to avoid the endless prompts and automated directions.

“I do believe, nowadays, people want personalized service,” Via said.

Unfortunately, in many cases, it’s up to you to find it.

Steven Slater Rocks the Boat...ummm....Plane

2010-08-11T11:07:00.000-07:00

For those of you who heard about the now legendary Steven Slater, then you are aware of his grand departure from a frustrated workplace. On August 9, 2010, Slater reached his tipping point while on duty as a JetBlue steward. A passenger was being difficult to say the least. After the plane landed, Slater grabbed the mic and shared his feelings. He then grabbed a beer or two, opened the emergency hatch and slid out of the plane and into customer service infamy. You can see the story here at an abc news site.

Now there is a tailwind of customer service stories on the world wide intergoogle. You can check out some interesting tidbits on overworked and stressed customer service representatives by Marilyn Suttle and Lori Jo Vest authors of Who's Your Gladys? How to Turn Even the Most Difficult Customer into Your Biggest Fan, in an article entitled Jet Blue's Steven Slater Strikes a Chord with Overstressed Workers; Customer Service Authors Marilyn Suttle and Lori Jo Vest Offer Resiliency Tips.

Suttle and Vest share their insights into preparing customer service folks for difficult customers.

Don't be shocked, be prepared – The surprise of being treated rudely can shut down the reason centers of the brain and produce a fight, flight, or freeze reaction. Businesses who regularly conduct "war game" meetings empower employees with a plan of action to protect themselves.

Sidestep Last-Straw Syndrome – The issue isn't always what it appears to be. Mounting pressures can cause an employee to lose control. Service providers need a place to share their frustrations constructively and learn stress reducing strategies.

Train now or pay later – When budgets are tight, stress-management, resilience, and customer service training may be the first programs to go. People can work well under pressure when they have the emotion management tools to succeed.

Define Limits – When a customer crosses a line into dangerous and abusive behavior, employees who do not feel supported are more likely to snap. Put a plan in place for managing customers who cross the line from difficult to abusive.

All in all, to me, this story exemplifies a sign of the times. Stressors are on the rise along with the population count, perpetual conflicts ranging from office disagreements to unwarranted wars, and an oh-so-crappy economy. There are less resources yet more demands, waning patience and waxing intolerance. It's not a surprise that Slater is becoming a hero. He is simply acting out the fantasy of many folks who are reaching their tipping point yet know that rocking the boat...er....plane could land them in jail, without a job (hence without a paycheck) and create a bigger mess and more misery than what already exists. It's a pick your battle situation and most customer service professionals know that blowing up at the customer has a long term detrimental impact...still...it's kind of fun to live vicariously through Slater, the man who rocked the plane.

Reach Customers in 140 Characters, All of Them Free

2010-05-27T14:16:00.000-07:00

By: Twitter Buttons

The New York Times

By KERMIT PATTISON

Published: May 26, 2010

Does Twitter still leave you scratching your head?

Many businesses are struggling to make sense of Twitter, but even if it strikes you as an enigma or hype, consider this: many of your customers are already there.

Twitter has more than 100 million users and is becoming a free forum for business. Companies are using Twitter to engage in highly personalized interactions — sometimes right to the phones in our pockets. Twitter recently introduced a program of “promoted tweets” that will display ads in some search results, although this program remains limited to a select group of Twitter partners, including Best Buy, Bravo, Red Bull and Sony Pictures. Eventually, Twitter plans to offer advertising more broadly, but until then small businesses can continue to make productive use of the service.

7 tips for great customer service

2010-05-19T12:26:00.000-07:00

This is a useful article by Herb Weisbaum

msnbc.com contributor

Sooner or later, everyone will have a customer service problem. It could be a rude salesperson. It could be a website that doesn’t let you complete an online transaction. It could be a product that doesn’t live up to its marketing claims.

Even the best company can do something that upsets you. What counts is how the company handles the situation once you complain. Were they defensive and blow you off or did they apologize and try to correct the problem?

Read More

More Dynamic Listening coming soon!

Cheers,
Kenda

Dynamic Listening: Impulses that Prevent Effective Listening

2010-03-12T11:23:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm a bit behind in my posts. I was hoping to post a video about Dynamic Listening, but I'm not quite there yet. Hopefully soon! In the meantime, I'll simply write about it.

Dynamic (also referred to as Active) Listening relates to a productive activity with another person; a combining of energies. When engaging in Dynamic Listening, it is essential to focus on the speaker and to remove any desire to talk about yourself in that moment. This process helps you to partner up with the speaker and to coach or support him/her on whatever situation or problem s/he brings to your attention.

Dynamic Listening most simply put is Acknowledgment. Acknowledgment is a core human need. Humans have an innate desire to be heard and witnessed. Acknowledgment helps to create an empathic relationship. So, with Dynamic Listening you are accomplishing three goals: 1) helping to meet a core human need of the speaker (acknowledgment); 2) understanding the situation or problem more clearly and 3) creating an empathic relationship.

Impulses that Prevent Dynamic Listening

In many ways, our impulses minimize the speaker to the point they feel unimportant. The following list includes the impulses that prevent Dynamic Listening from occurring:

Agreement – without truly understanding the speaker’s emotional content
Objection – usually through defensiveness, explanations or excuses
Dismissing
Finishing – completing speaker’s sentence (jumping to a conclusion about what will be said – also called Premature Diagnosis)
Sharing Your Own Story or One Upping
Evaluating/Criticizing
Problem solving or analyzing
Giving advice or suggestions
Parroting (repeating back verbatim the speaker's words without really hearing the content)
Excessive sympathy (creating a situation in which the speaker has to take care of the listener)
Pretending to understand when you really do not
Asking unrelated questions
Ignoring (engaging in another activity or thought) while the speaker is talking
Interrupting **

Anytime a listener jumps from the present to the past or to the future, that individual is no longer engaged in Dynamic Listening. The mastery of this skill involves one’s ability to remain present with the speaker.

**This is the only exception if you are talking with someone who is an ‘external processor’ or someone who is talking nonstop. Be sure to interrupt gently and let the speaker to know that you are interrupting because you want to understand exactly what he or she is trying to relay.

The next post will focus on specific techniques for Dynamic Listening. Cheers to opening your world by opening your heart to listening!

To listen well, is as powerful a means of influence as to talk well, and is as essential to all true conversation.

- Chinese Proverb

Exploring Improv to Improve Listening Skills

2010-01-12T18:10:00.000-08:00

As I prepare to write and share about Dynamic Listening, I came across this clip showing the improv group, Second City. Chicago's Second City is known as a launching pad for many a famous comedic actors, but it also offers improv classes to Corporate America. One of the most important lessons facilitators from Second City teach is: Learning to listen - removing your agenda from the dialogue.

Perfect timing! Check out the clip for a chuckle and some useful information!

Second City Improv

A Question of Anger: An Email Exchange

2010-01-06T15:43:00.000-08:00

Last week I received an email regarding a question about dealing with anger, and with permission from the sender I am posting it here. Perhaps my response could be of use to others. I also realize that I've neglected to write about about Dynamic Listening - one of my all-time favorite topics! So, instead of delving into the Change topic, I'm going to start the New Year out with steps for Dynamic Listening. Keep an eye and two ears out for it - coming soon to a computer near you!

The Sender's Question:

Kenda,

I'm the head of the customer service department at a large Chevrolet dealership in Texas. Our structure is, basically, that of a small call center. We meet on Mondays to review the past week from a proactive point of view (what did we learn?), go over any reading that we've done, and generally bolster morale for the group.

One of the books we're reading is Emotional IQ. One of the chapters focuses on anger. I noticed the section entitled "the Fallacy of ventilation." The discussion pertains primarily to the common assumption that venting helps. The author disputes the premise, especially as a form of diffusing the anger by saying, indeed, ventilation prolongs the anger. What can be induced when trying to resolve a business dispute. Is it counterproductive to "dig out all the messy details?" Your thoughts, please?

Genna
Director of Customer Relations

My First Response:

Hello Genna,

Thanks for your question. It’s so refreshing to see a leader who not only cares about this topic but also does something about it! While I love the EQ topic (is that a Dan Goleman book you’re reading?), I don’t necessarily buy into everything that is written on the matter. From a psychological perspective, venting can be very important for diffusing anger. Have you ever been in a position of feeling angry with someone and not having the opportunity to express yourself? It can be painful. Anger is a normal, human reaction especially if a person doesn’t feel acknowledged, valued or ‘seen’. I think it’s the one feeling that can provide the most information when a person has a chance to share the reasons behind the feeling.

From a customer service perspective, it’s even more important for the angry customer to have a chance to share his/her feelings. Given how most people don’t have solid communication tools and even less so when they are overwhelmed with a strong feeling, the venting of an angry customer may be more challenging for a CS Rep (who must also get a handle on their own defensive reaction); yet I believe venting is still important. Within those ‘messy details’ lurks some important information worth hearing, in my opinion. Now, if an emotionally laden vent session goes on for more than 1-2 minutes and the angry person is ramping up instead of calming down, there’s a risk of the vent turning into rage. Again, it will require the skill of the rep to know what specific tools to employ to bring the angry person back from yelling to a reasonable place of dialogue. Some tools to open dialogue: Dynamic listening (In the new year, I’ll do a post on this topic at www.xtremecustomerservice.blogspot.com), using the person’s name (calmly) once or twice (no more otherwise it will sound mechanical and manipulative) and communicating an I statement such as, “I will be able to help you if you are willing to talk with me in a way that I can best listen to you. Would you be willing to dialogue with me?”

Does that answer your question?

Cheers,

Kenda

The Sender's Response:

Kenda,

Yes, I am referencing Goleman's book. Part of what I'm hearing is gauging the appropriateness of the venting, time-wise.

Thank you for your prompt response, I hope you enjoy your holidays!

My Second Response:

Hi Genna,

Yes, part of gauging the appropriateness of the venting has to do with time, another part has to do with content, and yet another part has to do with intuition. From a content perspective, I think gauging the appropriateness of the venting is dependent upon the recipient (your reps) or upon your company guidelines (what your organization tolerates). Usually when I deliver customer service training, I suggest that any personal attacks are automatically put in the ‘abusive’ category especially if they’re adorned with special four letter words. At that point, I suggest each person create a recovery statement that fits his/her individual style and still aligns with the company’s mission. For example, similar to the other statement I mentioned below is a fairly common recovery line, “If you can change your language, I can help you.” I suggest the recovery lines/statements are spoken in ‘ProSpeak’ meaning they are about what ‘can’ be done not what ‘can’t’ be done. So instead of ‘If you don’t stop cursing, I won’t help you’ it’s a more proactive statement ‘I can if you can’. Please let me know if that makes sense.

If the customer is threatening physical harm in any way, then I always tell reps to walk away and get help immediately. In this volatile society, physical harm, while not necessarily common, is a possibility. With call centers there is rarely any immediate threat, but I have worked with call center reps who were accosted in the parking lot when leaving the building or who were confronted in the office by an angry customer who sought them out. While this is rare, it has occurred. When I work with decision makers, I highly encourage them to have a policy and process in place for workplace violence that goes beyond internal relationships.

Whew – that’s probably more than what you wanted!

Thanks for allowing me to use your question. Hopefully others can gain from our interaction as well!

Cheers and have a wonderful holiday season!

Kenda

Kenda's 2010 Wish for All

2009-12-31T11:27:00.000-08:00

In this coming year, may any sorrows be replaced with peace; May any apathy or worry be replaced with hope. May love and light surround you, and may the care you take for the earth reflect in the abundance you receive.

My Auld Lang Syne Remake for the Earth:

Let old complacence be forgot
And bring the earth to mind!
Let old complacence be forgot
And let’s not resign

For if we revive, my dear
And if we don’t resign
We’ll take a cup o’ mindfulness
The earth we will enshrine

Finding Relief and Creating Peace from the Eight Avoidable Toxic Tendencies

2009-12-07T22:27:00.000-08:00

This post is for anyone who engages in toxic tendencies, which for most of us…is most of us! While some may not habitually have toxic tendencies, these behaviors at any time can cause harm to your relationships and certainly wreak havoc on your body through the stress response. At the very least, I would want you to consider the notion that relieving yourself of toxic behaviors will bring more joy to your life.

Where to begin? How about we begin with your thoughts?

Thoughts are unspoken words we say to ourselves and hear in our minds. This is also called self talk. Sometimes, the more we think about a situation (be it a charged or neutral situation), the more intense our feelings become. A situation fuels the thoughts which fuel the feelings. The thoughts fuel the feelings which, in turn, fuel a behavioral reaction. It can become a vicious cycle, yet you do have the power to stop the cycle and change your reaction – thus putting an end to a toxic tendency.

According to Cognitive Psychology (I tend to like the works of Aaron and Judith Beck), all people have core beliefs. There is some speculation about from where these beliefs derive: early childhood, various experiences in life, etc. The one thing that is known, in addition to being overgeneralized and rigid, distorted or maladaptive core beliefs have a grave impact on individuals and their reactions to self and others. These beliefs are so deep-seated that they often do not even get acknowledged let alone articulated by the individual…until they are brought to awareness. While core beliefs create emotions and ultimately behavioral reactions, one does not have to know his/her core beliefs to change his/her behaviors. One simply has to catch the automatic thoughts that surface as a result of core beliefs.

So before we start to reframe your maladaptive thoughts - your Self Talk, thus changing a toxic tendency, I would like you to try a short exercise:

Consider a recent, specific and upsetting or distressing situation that you have experienced. If you cannot think of one, consider a recent change or stressor you are experiencing. You may want to grab a piece of paper and a pen to jot this down.

What are your automatic thoughts/self talk (about the situation, yourself, or the person involved in this situation) associated with this statement?

Try to be objective and write down the specific thought verbatim.

What Toxic Tendency do you think is most closely related to this thought? Once you have identified the tendency, please acknowledge the core need you may have.

For the example above, the Toxic Tendency is Controller.

Thought Reframing

Now we get to the fun part! Thought reframing. Thought reframing is just like how it sounds - reframing or changing your thoughts. Thoughts hold enormous amounts of power in our minds and bodies. Change your thoughts, change your life.

The following steps are useful for working toward reframing or restructuring those maladaptive thoughts that are causing a disservice. There are four main steps to Thought Reframing:

Step #1 – Catch

Catch the automatic thoughts that seem to be causing negative emotions or reactions. Many people repeat the same patterns and automatic thoughts for various situations. These thoughts are at the tip of your brain. If you stop and listen, you will catch them.

Step #2 – Look

Take a good look at those thoughts. The goal is to assess their validity and usefulness. Is the thought true or false? If you have no evidence to prove the thought is true, then it is false until proven otherwise. How is this thought serving you? Draw an objective conclusion about the thought. What are the gains of this thought? Sometimes there are secondary gains to maladaptive thoughts. The secondary gain could simply be the habit of feeling miserably comfortable around a thought that brings you grief and anxiety.

Dispute the maladaptive automatic thought: Ask yourself, “What is the best argument against this thought?”

Step #3 – Shift

Work toward changing the maladaptive thought by shifting perceptions from those that are unrealistic and harmful to those that are more rational and useful. Find or create evidence to support the best argument against the maladaptive thought. This is where you give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes it’s just a matter of letting go of the maladaptive thought by acknowledging that it no longer serves you. Ask yourself, ‘what’s the worst thing that can happen?’ When you have the answer to that question, continue to ask yourself, 'and this is a problem because...'

For example: If the worst thing that can happen is 'this person will be upset with me', do a quick evidence check. What evidence do you have to validate that thought? Anything? Perhaps you've observed this person getting upset in the past. Does this mean for certain he will get upset again?

Okay, so let's say there's a 51% + chance he will get upset. Continue on and ask yourself, 'This is a problem because...?

I won't know how to handle his reactions'.

And this is a problem because, 'If I don't know how to handle his reactions, I will have anxiety'.

And this is a problem because, "If I have anxiety, I will feel useless or sick to my stomach".

Continue to ask yourself these questions until you get to a problem that can be easily resolved. For example, if the final statement is, 'I'll feel sick to my stomach" then you know that you can do something about it.

The irony in many cases is that often maladaptive thoughts are about protecting our vulnerabilities, which are exactly what the maladaptive thoughts harm in the first place. Let me explain: If I'm worried about upsetting you because your reaction is going to give me anxiety, but yet I have anxiety worrying about your reaction, what's the point? The maladaptive thought is doing me more harm than you ever could!

Consider the reality: it is much more likely that the story you are making up in your head is not nearly as challenging or difficult as the reality you would experience if your thoughts didn't run the show. Shift those thoughts to something more realistic and healthy.

Step #4 – Create and Practice

After you have shifted the maladaptive thoughts, create a new thought and practice using it over and over again. By changing thoughts, emotions change, and by changing emotions, behaviors change. THIS is how you release yourself from Toxic Tendencies.

Thought Reframing Worksheet
This worksheet is a guide to help you understand the process of thought reframing based on the example above: You are part of a project team. The team leader didn’t complete an expected and promised deliverable to another group. Instead of approaching the project leader, a co-worker from that other group shares her frustrations with you about how her team is impacted by this delay.

CREATE and PRACTICE

Examples of new thoughts in relation to the three maladaptive thoughts shown above:

1. I am not alone here. I am part of something bigger. This isn’t about me. I am not a victim. I am a thriver. I was responsible for my part, and I did it to the best of my ability. OR how about this one: Control is an illusion. I will be okay if I release some control.

2. I will shine through as a supportive team member. I can help others feel more competent. I recognize others have competencies that may be different from my own.

3. I’m capable. This is an opportunity for me to practice communication skills. His reaction is not about me, and I have the ability to handle whatever comes my way.

Now you try it! CATCH, LOOK, SHIFT and CREATE new thoughts. Then Practice Practice Practice.

You have the power to relieve yourself of toxic tendencies, to meet your own core needs, and to create a way of life that feels more joyful and more physically, mentally and spiritually healthy.

Do it for your co-workers.

Do if for your family.

Do it for your self.

Cheers to you and to living in harmony,

Kenda

**In early 2010 I'll be writing about managing change. It's hard to believe we're coming up on 2010! Wishing you all a year of peaceful connection with self, others and the earth.

Eight Avoidable Toxic Tendencies

2009-11-18T16:44:00.000-08:00

I believe that no human is free from the woes of engaging in toxic behaviors. It would take the mindset of a Buddhist Monk to avoid having even the slightest of reactions during tense times –especially during these tense times of economic turmoil and the whole earth blowing up to due to climate change n’such. So given that even the normal neurotic struggles with toxic tendencies, one can imagine the challenges of a person who wears a toxic persona as their mask of choice –blissfully unaware of the painful reactions they create from others! Tough stuff!

By definition, toxic tendencies create a toxic environment: Poisonous, deadly, lethal, noxious, contaminated, and venomous. You get the point. Really, folks, it’s no fun at all for anyone –the person with the toxic tendency and the recipients of the harmful behaviors. It’s what we call joy-squelching at its best.

HOWEVER, if you knowingly engage in toxic behaviors, you can have more joy in your life. And, uh, if you unknowingly engage in toxic behavior, well, you and everyone you know are screwed. Mostly, though, just everyone you know, so you can breath easy.

Seriously, toxic tendencies like putting on your shoes, eating lunch, brushing your teeth and snacking after 9:00 pm while watching tv, are simply a habit. One begins to become so habituated to these behaviors that s/he becomes miserably comfortable with this way of ‘being’.

Repeat after me: I can do better. I can feel better. Just like Stewart Smalley: I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me.

Our behaviors are a direct result of our needs and feelings. The four main feelings are Happy, Sad, Mad and Afraid. Toxic tendencies are often merely another way of expressing a need, even if those with toxic tendencies are choosing inappropriate and ineffective ways to communicate that need. These folks are likely feeling disempowered for not having that need met. Like other people, they too, deserve to be understood, to feel welcomed, comfortable, important and empowered. They deserve to feel like they matter –even if you disagree.

In some cases, folks with toxic tendencies find themselves so caught up in their tough roles that they actually do not know how to get out of these roles. They may have the irrational belief my needs will never be met. As mentioned before, like many habits, some people with dysfunctional habits become miserably comfortable with this belief. It becomes safe and predictable in an unhealthy way. This is part of a self-fulfilling prophecy: An irrational belief drives behaviors that create a reality that perpetuates the irrational belief.

Each Toxic Tendency is dominated by a core feeling as mentioned above and shown below. In most cases, the person engaging in a toxic tendency is fully unaware of the feelings that are driving his or her behaviors. When we can focus on the feeling, it can help us have compassion for these toxic folks, because their behaviors are a result of pain. My personal belief: A human in pain is deserving of compassion regardless of how s/he is acting on that pain. And hopefully we can have compassion for ourselves if we are the ones behaving with toxicity.

The four main feelings are:

Happy (satisfied, glad, content, elated, joyful)

Mad (upset, frustrated, irritated, angry, furious)

Sad (down, low, disappointed, dissatisfied, depressed)

Afraid (cautious, anxious, concerned, worried, scared, desperate)

And remember those Eight Core Human Needs? Each Toxic Tendency is simply trying to meet a core need.

Core Human Needs

Acknowledgment

To be seen and witnessed, for one to feel s/he is respected, important and matter in the eyes of others

Empowerment

The ability to make choices that affect one’s life

Connection

To be part of a supportive community

Equity

To have honesty, fairness and order

Happiness

To enjoy life – to have fun

Harmony

To live in agreement with personal values – to have peace, ease, authenticity and integrity

Meaning
To feel there is purpose and meaning to one’s time, actions and life, and to feel self-worth

Well-Being

To have Emotional, Physical and Spiritual comfort and the sense of security, stability and predictability

Listed below are the Eight Toxic Tendencies along with the core feelings and needs. Read it and weep. Well, ya don’t have to weep. Just read it and see if anything resonates with you.

If are a person behaving with Toxic Tendencies: next posting (by December 9) will show how, through some simple cognitive reframing techniques, you can change any ole’ habit of Toxic Tendencies.

If you are the recipient of a person with toxic tendencies: you can refer to some past posts on Kick-Ass Compassion.

Eight Avoidable Toxic Tendencies

Controller

This tendency lends itself to frustration, because the need to control is manifested by the Controller finding a way to get into your business. The Controller works the system, works the people in the system, and works the processes in the system. The person who engages in this tendency is highly skilled at aligning others to his cause and strategically breaking up functional relationships. You feel worked over. He is so expert at manipulating that you walk away shaking your head wondering ‘what just happened here?’ There’s a high probability that this person is co-dependent. He needs to fix others and control the situation in order to create a more predictable environment for himself. This is likely to be the most savvy of all the tendencies, because the Controller reads people so expertly that he knows how to respond and react in a way that meets his needs. While at times he may appear indifferent, behind the scenes is likely lurking a hidden agenda. Chances are, while the Controller has a core desire to delegate work, release some of the pressures of work, and create a functioning workplace; his controlling ways repel people away from him thus creating the opposite of what he really wants.

The upswing? If you don’t feel like working, this person is likely to take over for you.

Word used to describe someone with this tendency include: Indifferent, manipulator, and control freak

The core behavior: Controlling

The core feeling for one engaging in this tendency: Cautious

The core human need for one engaging in this tendency: Connection

Critic

This tendency lends itself to others feeling criticized, judged or flat-out offended. People who work with The Critic don’t want to ask his opinion, because they are likely to be met with, ‘Why did you do it that way?’ or ‘That will never work because…’ The Critic has an opinion about most things, and it often arrives in a negative format. The Critic has an innate need to be right and sadly this is manifested in a way that makes others feel wrong. This tendency is most likely to blame others and to avoid taking responsibility. Interestingly, this tendency creates a situation in which one tries to get The Critic’s approval with the predicted and oftentimes outcome of feeling squelched when that approval simply is not delivered: This creates a vicious cycle of seeking approval only to be denied that validation. This vicious cycle creates an environment of resentment.

The upswing? If you want to feel stupid, you know where to go for validation.

Word used to describe someone with this tendency include: Blamer, judgmental, petty, and wanna-be expert

The core behavior with this tendency: Claiming to be right

The core feeling for one engaging in this tendency: Frustrated

The core human need for one engaging in this tendency: Meaning

Extremist
This toxic tendency is about extremes. Nothing is good, everything is bad. The world is falling apart. There exists very little moderation with this tendency. This person seems to have almost no boundaries and shares information that may be uncomfortable for others to receive. Someone with this tendency talks endlessly – an external stream of consciousness. While this individual may at times have a lot of energy, his lows are as low as his highs are high. Nothing is done in moderation –the extremes range from energy (I’m so tired I can’t possibly function today), sickliness (I was SO sick last night that I thought I puked out my small intestine!), world views (this world is so messed up, and we are all doomed), society (kids have no idea how easily they have it these days –they’re hopeless) and people (people suck). You’ll be hungry, but that person will be starving. You’ll be upset, but they will be having the worst day in the history of history. There’s no beating this tendency’s story, because his experience will always and absolutely be bigger, worse, more compelling, etc etc etc.

The attitude of The Extremist is that of ….moody. This individual swings so easily from one mood to the next that those who work around him do not know what to expect from one day to the other.

The upswing? On those days you’re feeling miserable, you have company.

Words used to describe this tendency include: Moody, pessimist, negative, and drama queen
The core behavior with this tendency: Absolute Thinking

The core feeling for one engaging in this tendency: Fear
The core human need for one engaging in this tendency: Well-Being

Fire Starter

There is no love with this toxic tendency. This is the person who froths venom and is flat-out mean. It’s the bully in the group. The Fire-Starter gets trouble started and then either bails like an arsonist when it’s time to address the issues or seemingly fearlessly adds fuel to the fire she started. They leave a wake of anger, frustration and fear. This toxic tendency lends itself to an intimidating or argumentative environment. The people who live and work around this tendency are often afraid of this person’s reactions, so they tip-toe around this individual in an effort to not turn a smoldering camp fire into a raging inferno.

Simply standing near a Fire Starter can do harm to your psyche. Others find themselves in a constant state of fight or flight – the stress response. When this person walks into a room, people scatter. One positive side with this tendency is that you know, at all times, where you stand. Unfortunately, you often find yourself standing in the way of being bulldozed over by the bully.

The upswing? Sometimes it’s a relief to watch the bully demean or rather ‘humble’ other people who also have toxic tendencies.

Words used to describe this tendency include: aggressive, hostile, argumentative, demanding, obnoxious, vulgar, mean and intimidating.

The core behavior with this tendency: Reaction

The core feeling for one engaging in this tendency: Anger

The core human need for one engaging in this tendency: Empowerment

Guilt Tripper

Of all the tendencies this is the one that is most prone to depressive behaviors or anxiety. Chances are, the Guilt Tripper has some deep-seated issues that may go beyond normal neuroticism. This is the person who appears needy and manages to get the sympathies of others through guilt or similar means –mostly guilt. Sometimes it seems that they have such a low self-esteem that they will do whatever others tell them to do, and then they create a situation in which others feel ‘badly’ for soliciting their support. An example of this may be: You are working on a new project and are challenged to get support from anyone. The Guilt Tripper steps in to help. Several days, weeks or months later when she needs help and you’re not available, she reminds you of the support she gave you and how she had to sacrifice something very important to do so and that she is still suffering as a result of that sacrifice.

In some cases, the Guilt Tripper seems to get exploited for her helpfulness, but that is not necessarily the case. Somehow someway she likely thrives on feeling used and abused. She is also likely to be a self-guilt tripper meaning: She sees situations that couldn’t have been prevented as her fault. She has a tendency to be the self-indulged self-assuming scapegoat in the group. Blame simply has to be placed somewhere, and she will pick up the tab if no one else does.

The upswing? The Guilt Tripper will help when no one else will…with potential unforeseen conditions.

Word used to describe someone with this tendency include: Depressed, stressed, helpless, low self esteem, indecisive, lonely, needy, and puppet

The core behavior with this tendency: Helpfulness with conditions

The core feeling for one engaging in this tendency: Anxious

The core human need for one engaging in this tendency: Happiness

Hide n’ Seeker

Known to be a liar, master of sabotage, back-stabber, button pusher, and caustic barb thrower. This person causes trouble and then dismisses or avoids the issue when someone wants to address it; or she hides behind passive aggressive behaviors by turning it back around on you. It’s a cycle of behaviors that creates an enabling environment. You know you are at the mercy of this tendency when you’re in conversation with her and you feel a vibe that you just can’t quite put your finger on. Were you just duped? Is that shame you’re feeling? Was that a backhanded remark? Why do you feel so darn blah around her? It’s likely that the Hide n’ Seeker is the least authentic of all the Toxic Tendencies. She may hide behind a veneer of fake smiles and seek satisfaction by watching you squirm when she pushes your buttons. You have no trust for her and if you can, you’ll withhold information because you believe she will take the credit for herself.

The upswing? If this person is on your side, you have a partner in crime.

Words used to describe this tendency include: Liar, manipulator, mistrusting, sarcastic and avoidant

The core behavior with this tendency: Inauthenticity

The core feeling for one engaging in this tendency: Desperate

The core human need for one engaging in this tendency: Harmony

Me-Monger

This person is the master of narcissism. They create an environment in which everything revolves around their needs, they tend to dominate conversations, and they engage in attention-seeking behaviors. In most instances they appear to have very high energy, yet in certain situations, they behave withdrawn in an attempt to get attention from others.

While they may be the most fun of the toxic tendencies, they tend to take energy from others to the point their co-workers become so depleted they will only hang with that person if they have to. Personally, this individual makes a lot of short terms friends (because of how fun they are) until those folks realize there’s nothing in the relationship for them.

The upswing? You can collect juicy nuggets about others’ wrong-doings from this person.

Words used to describe someone with this tendency include: Conceited, egocentric, gossip, draining and insensitive

The core behavior with this tendency: Overshadowing

The core feeling for one engaging in this tendency: Dissatisfied

The core human need for one engaging in this tendency: Acknowledgment

Unconscious Objector

Unconscious Objector takes most things personally and attacks either directly or behind the backs of others, or they simply whine through incessant complaining. The Unconscious Objector objects to new ideas, new people, new behaviors – basically any change. ‘No’ is the word of choice. They are the ‘devil’s advocate’ and generally annoying. This is the tendency that erupts in a defensive outcry when they feel their values are being ignored, tested or otherwise disrespected. A common phrase others may hear from this person, “That’s not fair!” Sometimes it seems they object simply for the sake of objecting. This individual is the anti-change agent and is likely to be the one person to hold a group back from moving forward. While sometimes it seems easier to let old habits live on with the Unconscious Objector, this is not the case. It is essential to get them on board for changes.

The upswing? This person will speak up with some element of intellect and possibly voice the worries of others when no one else will do so.

Word used to describe someone with this tendency include: Chronic complainer, irritable, defensive, victim mentality, unhelpful, and resistant

The core behavior with this tendency: Defensiveness

The core feeling for one engaging in this tendency: Fear

The core human need for one engaging in this tendency: Equity

Stay tuned for the next post: Helping those with toxic tendencies find some relief from their self-inflicted angst. Arriving on or by December 9, 2009.

Cheers to all who aim to live in harmony and peace to those who choose otherwise,

Kenda

The Best Comeback Line

2009-10-30T07:33:00.000-07:00

Okay, I’m behind in my blogging. I started writing a post about Toxic Personality Types and got lost in real life. I will continue writing that post, yet in the meantime, here’s some Cognitive Bait for Thought:

The best comeback line…

Ever been in one of those situations in which someone says something to you so hurtful or passive aggressive that you don’t even know how to respond in return? Then around 3:00 am the following morning while you’re trying to sleep a great comeback crops up? “Doih….I should’ve said….”

Try this on: Your authentic self carries the best message at all times. You can relieve yourself of the need for a great comeback, because the true message inside your head when you are dumbfounded and don’t know what to say is: “Wow. I don’t even know how to respond to that.” Period. Or “I’m speechless.” Or ‘I’m flabbergasted by your comment.”

The best comeback line is whatever you’re thinking or feeling at that moment. Your authentic self -your I Statement. The best comeback line isn’t about making the other person feel powerless; it’s about YOU tapping into your own POWER without harm to others.

The next time someone says something passive aggressive or just downright aggressive, follow these steps:
1: STOP (the other person will wonder what you’re up to)
2: Take a BREATH
3: CHECK inside your head and identify your authentic self words – not the judgments you have about yourself or the other person, but your real-self words. They may simply be, “I’m hurt by that.”
4: DELIVER the message.

Cheers to you and to thriving authentically,

Kenda

Courageous Conversations for Tackling Toxic Tendencies

2009-08-31T16:58:00.000-07:00

In the last post, I showed two Toxic Tendency Examples and the Kick-Ass Compassion Steps to Tackle Them. Today’s posting will show an additional example along with the model for having courageous conversations. Next posting (early October is what I'm aiming for) I’m going to focus my energies on those folks having toxic tendencies in an effort to help them recreate their behaviors into something more functional and healthy.

Toxic Tendency Example

The Story of Margo Stu-DaStaff
Margo is the supervisor of a group of seven employees. She considers herself a fair and compassionate person. She believes in rewarding those who do well and mentoring those who need some additional development. During a meeting yesterday, Margo gave gift certificates to two employees, Ronald and Susan, who completed a project under budget and under deadline. This morning she walked into the bathroom and overheard two other staff members from her group discussing how she 'favors Ronald and Susan' and how ' clueless she is thinking Ronald and Susan are star performers when they are actually the biggest slackers in the whole organization.'

It’s time for Margo to gather herself up for some kick-ass compassion including having a courageous conversation with the two staff members who are talking smack about Ronald and Susan. Margo will go to those two staff members after she thinks through, self-talks and then prepares to act on the following steps:

Steps to Kick-Ass Compassion
1) Take a breath – even if it’s a big breath, and hey, an impatient sigh is not a breath. That’s exhaling not inhaling. An impatient sigh in this example is more likely to be a passive aggressive response. You’re above that, right?

2) Putting all judgments aside, what do you think the two smack talkers need? **Remember focus on the person’s need not the hurtful behavior/the method of delivering that need. My guess? Acknowledgment. You decide for yourself.

Remember the Core Human Needs from the last couple posts?

CORE HUMAN NEEDS

Meaning

To feel there is purpose and meaning to one’s time, actions and life, and to feel self-worth

Acknowledgment

To be seen and witnessed, for one to feel s/he is respected, important and matter in the eyes of others

Empowerment

The ability to make choices that affect one’s life

Connection

To be part of a supportive community

Equity

To have honesty, fairness and order

Happiness

To enjoy life – to have fun

Harmony

To live in agreement with personal values – to have peace, ease, authenticity and integrity

Well-Being

To have Emotional, Physical and Spiritual comfort and the sense of security, stability and predictability
********************************************************************
3) Now that your focus is shifted, the next step is to check in with yourself. What do you need in this situation? What do you think Margo needs? Perhaps she, too, needs acknowledgment. Acknowledgement from her staff members that she is a fair leader.

Do you feel lighter after making this shift? Yes? Great!

Is there still some unfinished business? If no, then your work is done. Move on. If yes, there is still some unfinished business, then move to Step #4 and prepare for a Courageous Conversation to tie up the loose ends.

4) Have a courageous conversation.

A courageous conversation involves focusing on the facts and next steps. The facts may be the specific behaviors you observed in the other person and the facts can also be your feelings about the situation. There may be several I Statements (see first couple posts to learn more about these) in one Courageous Conversation. This is normal. A Courageous Conversation can include an assumption you may have about the other person’s behaviors as long as you own the assumption and as long as by stating the assumption it serves a purpose for moving the relationship forward. A courageous conversation ends with next steps and it sometimes helps to have a show of support for the recipient (s).

State the FACTS of the situation or the specific behavior (s) you OBSERVED of the other person. Be very specific and remove any judgment words/opinions!

State the FACTS - acknowledge your reaction (a feeling statement) - this can sometimes be excluded if it doesn’t serve a proactive purpose.

Give your interpretation of the other person’s behaviors by Owning your Assumption
(Judgment, Opinion, Perception)

Suggest Next Steps - a solution, consequence, request for support, a clarification or something you need or want to check out.

Support/Reaffirm – offer a coaching show-of-support

EXAMPLE:

Margo Stu-DaStaff for a Courageous Conversation with the two smack talkers:

When I heard you say that I ‘favor Susan and Ronald and that I’m clueless about thinking they are star performers when, as you say, they are actually the biggest losers in the whole organization’ [State the Fact/Observation based on what she heard the two people say], I feel concerned and anxious [State the Fact -Feeling]. I feel concerned because I’m assuming you said those things out of anger and out of your own need for acknowledgment. Maybe even out of a need for acknowledgement from me, specifically. I feel anxious because in my opinion, I work so hard to be fair with everyone consistently, and it seems to me that my attempts at equity have gone unnoticed by you. [Owning the Assumption/her interpretation of the behaviors]. I need to know more about where you’re coming from with this. I would like to check this out and have a very open conversation with you. [Next Steps - I statement in the form of a need and wanting to check something out]. I’m open to hearing your thoughts or reactions. Would you be willing to schedule some time this afternoon to check-in?

Some think that having a courageous conversation is more about having courage to tell someone off. Not at all the case, folks. The ‘courage’ part in a Courageous Conversation is more about finding your own power to speak your authentic truth in a way that creates rather than obliterates dialogue. The ‘courage’ part is about having POWER WITH another rather than POWER OVER or POWER UNDER another.

Practice the tools, find your power, speak your truth.

Peace and Authenticity,

Kenda

Steps to Having Kick-Ass Compassion

2009-08-07T15:51:00.000-07:00

Last month I wrote a post on kick-ass compassion for people with toxic tendencies. On this post (and possibly the next)), I’d like to show a couple examples of how to put kick-ass compassion into action. Soon I will post some suggestions for helping the folks who have toxic tendencies overcome those oh-so-nasty behaviors.

Toxic Tendency Example

The Story of Porata Tood

You’ve been working with Porata for a relatively long period of time - nearly two years now, and you still are not comfortable hanging out with her. She is sometimes harsh in her dealings with you and others. It just isn’t a pleasant experience for you to be with her, so you avoid her at all costs. One day she comes out to where you are dealing with a customer. She speaks in a loud, harsh voice and tells you how inappropriate your work habits are and that she just spent the past hour correcting your errors on a report that must be submitted that morning. Now her morning is ‘shot to hell’. It’s time to communicate with Ms. Tood.

Steps to Kick-Ass Compassion

1) Take a breath – even if it’s a big breath, and hey, an impatient sigh is not a breath. That’s exhaling not inhaling. An impatient sigh in this example is more likely to be a passive aggressive response. You’re above that, right?

2) Putting all judgments aside, what do you think Porata needs? **Remember focus on the person’s need not the hurtful behavior/the method of delivering that need.

Remember the Core Human Needs from the last post?

CORE HUMAN NEEDS

Meaning
To feel there is purpose and meaning to one’s time, actions and life, and to feel self-worth

Acknowledgment
To be seen and witnessed, for one to feel s/he is respected, important and matter in the eyes of others

Empowerment
The ability to make choices that affect one’s life

Connection
To be part of a supportive community

Equity
To have honesty, fairness and order

Happiness
To enjoy life – to have fun

Harmony
To live in agreement with personal values – to have peace, ease, authenticity and integrity

Well-Being
To have Emotional, Physical and Spiritual comfort and the sense of security, stability and predictability

********************************************************************

So, have you guessed yet what Porata may need?

Could it be Acknowledgment for her hard work? How about Happiness or perhaps Harmony?
**sometimes the most disharmonious people need the most harmony

It really does not matter whether or not you guess the need correctly. The point here is to shift your focus onto something other than your own victim mentality of being hurt by Porata.

3) Now that your focus is shifted, check in with yourself. What do you need in this situation? Do you feel lighter after making this shift? If yes, then your emotional work is done. If no, then there is some unfinished business. If no, go to Step #4

4) Have a courageous conversation with Porata. It goes something like this:

Porata, when you came to the front counter and told me that I was ‘a slacker and had inappropriate work habits’ and then continued on to say how I ‘constantly make errors that make your life hell’, I felt myself instantly deflating and then I felt angry. I felt angry because your method of providing feedback was humiliating to me especially in front of a customer and especially at a time when I’m trying to build my credibility with that customer. I think it’s a fair assumption that you are extremely frustrated if not quite angry regarding the errors you found. I’m guessing you need some acknowledgment for the efforts you make on my behalf. I’m also guessing that you simply need to have more joy at work and my errors don’t help make that happen. Yet I need to feel empowered at my job not minimized. I want to do my work correctly, and I want to understand your specific task needs. I have a much better chance of doing that if I don’t feel stressed during our interactions. You could help with that by generating a calm discussion about what you need from me. I will have an easier time collaborating with you if you can speak with me in a way I can hear - without some of the judgmental words and the strict tone. Would you be willing to have a sit down later this afternoon so I can get a clearer idea of where I went awry and how I can correct the errors you found?

OR a simpler approach…

Porata, I can hear in your voice that you are frustrated with me. I’m guessing by my correcting any errors I make or more importantly not having them to begin with, that your worklife will be easier and happier. Would you be willing to sit down with me so we can discuss your needs?

THEN you and Porata get to hold hands and sing kumbaya while eating bon bons around the office campfire.

Toxic Tendency Example

The Story of Aileen M. Ployi

You are generally an optimistic person. You have a colleague, Ima Whiner, who is quite smart and does great work, but who is a chronic complainer. This person is a total drain on your energy by the end of the day! It ails you to work around someone like Ima. You come into work one day after having a rough morning at home with your kids. Not being someone who complains, you prepare to put your personal issues aside and get down to the work at hand. Your first interaction is with Ms. Whiner, and she greets you with her list of daily whines (not the kind you find in a restaurant!). You are fed up. You fantasize about barking at her until she scurries back to her desk. But that’s not your way…so what to do instead?

Steps to Kick-Ass Compassion

2) Putting all judgments aside, what do you think Ima needs? **Remember focus on the person’s need not the hurtful or frustrating behavior/the method of delivering that need.

Do you have any idea what she may need? Check out the Core Human Needs and see if you can guess.

Let’s analyze this from a different angle: For what reason does one complain? Could it be because that individual is not happy? Is not feeling acknowledged? Doesn’t feel empowered? Yep. It could be for all those reasons. Chances are Ima needs some acknowledgment that life is simply harder for her than for others. Now, you may think, ‘Hey buck up buckaroo. Life can be hard for all of us. You’re not a silo.’ YET for a person so caught up in their own woes, chances are she is not able to see beyond her own nose. Try taking the higher road and acknowledge that life is hard for Ima.

3) Now that your focus is shifted, check in with yourself. What do you need in this situation? Do you feel lighter after making this shift? If yes, then your emotional work is done. If no, then there is some unfinished business. If no, go to Step #4

4) Have a courageous conversation with Ima. It goes something like this:

Ima, when I first come into the office in the morning, I am aware that I needed a few minutes to gather my thoughts in order to start my day with a fresh and optimistic perspective. This morning I had some of my own issues weighing on me and was determined to put them aside. Yet (notice I didn’t say ‘but’) when the first person I see if you and the first thing out of your mouth is ‘can you believe the President is making us take forced leave’ I felt instantly frustrated. I felt this frustration because it’s hard for me to process anything negative sounding when I’m really working internally to be optimistic. I actually find myself having more negative thoughts after hearing you make statements like you did this morning. I need to have peace in my worklife and negative conversations prevent that from happening. I imagine you need some acknowledgment for your frustrations around the forced leave and that you may even be worried about all the changes in our organization. Would you be willing to discuss this further with me so we can find a way to make sure both of our needs get met?

OR a simpler approach…

Ima, I can hear in your voice that you are frustrated and worried with some of the recent changes going on around here. It’s hard for me to hear some of your thoughts, because I find myself thinking more negatively around you. I am really working on having more harmony at work, because that’s what I need to feel content. Negative interactions prevent that. Yet I’m guessing you need some acknowledgment around your concerns. Please tell me how I can support you knowing that I am also struggling with meeting my own need for harmony.

Need some more help? I’ll provide another example and post it by August 31 OR you could send me some examples!

Cheers to you and to your kick-ass compassion!

Kenda

Kick-Ass Compassion for people with ToXic Tendencies

2009-07-02T12:25:00.000-07:00

The real question here is Why Bother? I mean, who wants to have compassion for a nasty, inappropriate or intimidating person? It’s hard enough to deal with day-to-day work priorities let alone with day-to-day work personalities. Don’t you just want to do your work and go home?

Here is my answer to Why Bother?

Because you likely spend more waking hours with people at work than your most significant others. Because unlike regular baggage, while it may get lost at the airport, the emotional kind finds its way to your psyche and in some cases takes up permanent residency there. Because many people simply want to lessen the angst of daily problems by getting along with others - their coworkers with whom they must interface for 40++ hours a week.

Having compassion for others is important simply for the necessity of your own mental well-being. Just like forgiveness, compassion is a gift you give to yourself. When you rise above the angst of another’s toxic behaviors, you can have more joy in your life. You liberate your mind of the emotional baggage and can focus on more important matters.

What is Kick-Ass Compassion?

Kick-ass compassion is a crushing and awe-inspiring win. It is so tremendous that you feel absolute euphoria. It puts you at the top-center of your game. Anyone can have compassion especially when dealing with a person in pain. With minimal exercise you, too, can become an elite athlete at kick-ass compassion even for another person who may be the cause of your pain.

How?

Read on.

I began facilitating customer service seminars 20 years ago. As part of my own research and development in addition to talking with and interviewing service providers, I have attended customer service training classes. This helps me stay on top of trends and better understand how others - both service providers and service recipients - think, feel and behave. I’ve read many articles and have heard countless people (facilitators and other experts) teach ‘empathy’ for dealing with difficult people. How have these folks taught empathy? Well, in my opinion, not very effectively. Mostly I hear these experts simply demand ‘You must have empathy. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.’

Really now. Who wants to have empathy for a nasty person?

For anyone who is having a true reaction to another person’s inappropriate behaviors, having empathy by standing in the inappropriate person’s shoes is easier said than done. We can sometimes get blindsided by our own feelings of anger, dismay or fear (often manifesting itself in the form of intimidation).

I say: don’t bother with someone else’s nasty ole shoes and instead get clear about your own feet. Stand in your own shoes. Get yourself grounded and gain clarity about the reasons for your reactions first. Listen to yourself. Hear the words that are forming in your head. What are your thoughts about the situation or the person? Then dig deeper. What’s driving those thoughts? Cognitive theorists call this self-talk. Definition: talk you have with yourself.

Having empathy or compassion is more about opening your heart and allowing for the understanding of your own as well as the other person’s needs. When you can sift through the ‘noise’ and truly hear past someone’s inappropriate remarks or actions, you begin to have compassion.

People with toxic tendencies or TBPs (Toxic Behaviored People) are often merely expressing a need, even if they are choosing ineffective ways to communicating that need. They are likely feeling disempowered for not having that need met. Like other people, they too, deserve to be understood, to feel valued, important and empowered. They deserve to feel like they MATTER – even if you don’t think so.

In some cases, TBPs find themselves so caught up in their toxic roles that they actually do not know how to get out of these roles. Before even interfacing with you, they might have the irrational and semi-conscious belief my needs will never be met. Like many dysfunctional habits, some people become miserably comfortable with this belief. It becomes safe and predictable in an unhealthy way. This is part of a self-fulfilling prophecy: An irrational belief drives behaviors that create a reality that perpetuates the irrational belief.

**********************************************************************************
For example, if I believe that no one hears me when I speak (irrational belief -simply because the words 'no one' are an absolute), I will speak louder to be heard (the resulting behavior based on this irrational belief). My loud voice is likely to frustrate or anger people who in response will either ignore me or react in kind by matching my loud voice. I can then validate that no one hears me when I speak (my reality and irrational belief).

People’s actions are in response to their needs. I believe each human has eight core needs. Some use dysfunctional ways to meet those core needs. If you focus your energy on that person's need and not the hurtful method or behavior, you increase the chance of connecting with the TBP on a compassionate level. You can then free yourself of any suffering (stress, for instance) that comes with having a defensive reaction to the TBP’s approach. And why again should you muster up the energy to focus on the TBP's needs? Because ultimately it will make your life easier.

Remember: This is for YOU first and the relationship second.

After studying Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs, Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication, various other psychological theories, and People, I’ve created a list of what I believe to be a human’s core needs. These are shown below.

And how again do you have kick-ass compassion for a TBP?

Sift past the TBP’s inappropriate actions or remarks and instead focus on the need. Simply your action of considering the need instead of reacting to the TBP’s style of delivering that need is the beginning stage of compassion. And then when you believe you are clear about the need and only focus on the need (again, instead of focusing on the behaviors the TBP is using to meet that need) you are well on your way to winning the gold medal for kick-ass compassion. This also allows you to have some boundaries. Instead of picking up the TBP’s baggage and becoming an emotional valet, you are empowering yourself by not reacting or by realizing how your reaction (thoughts and feelings) is not serving you in any healthy way.

Likewise you can consider your own needs in the situation. Keep in mind the other person may have no clue about or any interest in your needs. As long as you can find a way to be okay with this fact and as long as you can find your own diplomatic and healthy way to care for your own needs, then you are taking the higher road toward compassion.

Focus on the need not the hurtful or harmful behavior.

Liberate yourself.

CORE HUMAN NEEDS

Meaning

To feel there is purpose and meaning to one’s time, actions and life, and to feel self-worth

Acknowledgment

To be seen and witnessed, for one to feel s/he is respected, important and matter in the eyes of others

Empowerment

The ability to make choices that affect one’s life

Connection

To be part of a supportive community

Equity

To have honesty, fairness and order

Happiness

To enjoy life – to have fun

Harmony

To live in agreement with personal values – to have peace, ease, authenticity and integrity

Well-Being

To have Emotional, Physical and Spiritual comfort and the sense of security, stability and predictability

**********************************************************************************
Do any of these resonate with you?

Do you hold the personal power to focus on a TBP's need?

Give it a try the next time you have a reaction with someone at work. Stop and think about that person's need. Shift the focus from your own angry reaction to 'hmmm....I wonder if Ima Whiner is yelling right now because she needs some acknowledgment for her idea.'

As I grapple with the recent death of my father, I’m reminded of the fragility of life and the futility of wasting precious time on unnecessary worries. I’m guessing everyone reading this post has real-life worries ranging from personal to economic issues. For your psyche’s sake, lessen your worries by freeing yourself of personality conflicts with TBP's. Stress causes illness. This is a proven fact. Ask yourself, is this angst worth my health?

If you are a TBP and thrive on creating issues, evolve. And now! Go get some help. Call your EAP, read self-help books, join a support group, take your meds. Do something besides trying to bring others down with you. Yes, misery loves company, and you are likely successful at generating a network of anguish. Is this the type of success you want? Do you want a legacy of agony? Find your way out of that toxic place and try generating joy instead. You might like it.

If you are the recipient of a TBP, you too, have the responsibility of being different if you want your work life to go more smoothly. Begin the process of having compassion by shifting your focus from a victim mentality to a victor mentality. You are the only one in charge of your reaction. The outcome is in your hands.

Can’t we all just get along?

Would you like some special support on a specific issue? Feel free to submit your situations to kenda@nr4g.com. We can work through your concerns together. For the upcoming posts, I’ll work on providing some examples as well as providing some tools for the TBP. The next post will be on or around July 30.

Do you want more joy in your life?

Yes?

Then go out there and kick some ass.

The Polls: What do you really think?

2009-06-10T09:08:00.001-07:00

Really?

Use the comment space on this post to share your thoughts and feelings about any changes you've experienced (during the last five years) from the perspective of a customer or that of a Customer Service provider.

If you prefer to remain anonymous, you can click the 'anonymous' button on the comment page or send the comment to me in email. I will withhold any disclosure of your identify.

Thanks!

Kenda

ToXic People?

2009-05-28T15:33:00.000-07:00

What is this? Who are they? And how do we free ourselves from them?

First off - Who are They?

Okay, really, it is unfair to consider an entire person toxic. More realistically, some folks in our lives have toxic behaviors. Simply the prospect of separating a person from his or her behaviors can help you heal through the toxicity.

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Secondly- What is it?

Toxins have filtered into our water, our air, our food and now our work places as the behaviors of difficult people are more recently being called ‘toxic’. I have a family member who lives 2500 miles away from me. She claims the term ‘toxic behaviors’ to be so California. I can't help but chuckle at these comments because many of them hold a lot of truth. I don't know from where this phrase originated, so maybe it is so California. In either case, I think it is a fabulous description, because it alludes to the harmful effects of these behaviors and the infectious outcome of our ingesting that noxious energy.

Here’s my take, a person with toxic behaviors is one who pushes buttons to the point of your having a very strong reaction. This reaction may be of frustration, anger, humiliation, or fear. These folks are masters at getting a ‘rise’ out of you. You have especially fallen prey to someone's toxic behaviors when you want revenge. A revenge reaction may take on different forms yet oftentimes it requires a large amount of psychic energy spent on fabricating a fabulous fantasy involving you and the toxic-behaviored (yes, I made up that word) person, a TBP.

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In these revenge fantasies, you take on the role of either the protagonist or antagonist and sometimes both. Sometimes, the TBP is in dire need of your help, maybe it's even a life-threatening situation. In this fantasy, you amuse yourself by shunning the TBP at their greatest point of need; walking away and yelling back, 'If you had only been nicer to me, I would save your life right now!' All the while with a Cruella DeVille laugh that would give Hannibal Lecter chills. Ahhh...the sweet scent of of power.

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In some revenge fantasies, you may be in conflict or an argument with the TBP (a friend of mine calls this shadow boxing). YOU are winning the argument because in this fantasy, you are a Master of Articulation. Your brain seems to have a direct connection to Websters as you find all the perfect words (that you may not be able to find when in actual dialogue with the TBP) and string them together with such undeniable force and with the absolute certainty that the TBP is profoundly affected by your powerful dialogue. It may go something like this..."You inconsiderate piece of humanity born on the shores of ignorance. You have the audacity to insinuate that I will tolerate your diabolical nonsense? Well, I will take your insults as compliments and credit them toward your ignorance thus showing your grave lack of intelligence. AND furthermore...if conceit were consumptive, you would be consumed!" The TBP breaks down, falls to her knees begging your forgiveness and promising to be a better person and to make the whole world smile. You, as the Sentry of Semantics, Advocate for the Acquiesced, Solider for Shyness, hold all the power. And with the graciousness of Gandalf touch the TBP on the head and forgive all her improprieties. The TBP grovels to become your lifelong servant as a show of her enduring gratitude. And you allow her to do so -out of the goodness of your heart. NOW that one feels good, doesn't it?

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In all seriousness, I am a complete supporter of sublimation in the form of harmless revenge fantasies IF you see no other short-term solution to this problem. Harmless and Short-term are key.

Personally, I have worked diligently to remove TBPs from my life. Outside of one distant relative with whom I have the misfortune of interfacing every 5-10 years, I’ve been fairly successful. But what does one do when feeling 'stuck' with a TBP at work or within a family unit? I don't know what would be most difficult: 1) Dealing with a TBP at work or 2) Feeling stuck in a personal relationship with a TBP.

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BTW: if you are a manager doing nothing about a staff member with toxic behaviors, you are contributing to the toxic environment. People in the workplace who are creating a toxic environment are best handled through a performance management process. Find the specific behaviors and how they relate to a business need and work toward supporting behavioral changes. Please take care of this! Yes, it's a challenge. The health of your work group depends on it. Write me if you need help!

Only yesterday I found this article online:
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/8-toxic-personalities-to-avoid-461078/

The question for me remains: Why are we spending time and energy identifying and thinking about these folks?

Here’s my answer: I believe it’s easier to take a look at (what I call an inventory) other people’s behaviors rather than at our own behaviors or reactions. If we spent more time understanding our own reactions and then working toward solutions versus time spent trying to understand why someone is behaving inappropriately, we may move forward more readily.

As mentioned earlier, folks with toxic behaviors have a way of pushing our buttons to get a rise out of us. Any ideas as to the reason for this?

I have some ideas. Surprised? After 10 years of counseling children and adults dealing with grief, I learned a valuable lesson. When someone has a lot of pain, they need relief. On a physical level, think about when you are developing a headache. Do you go directly to the medicine cabinet and grab some ibuprofen or the equivalent homeopathic medicine? If not, then I think you're a super hero.

If so, you do this because…? Because you want relief. Our emotions are not much different. When one is carrying an emotional burden, she or he wants relief. One way people in grief take their emotional medicine is by sharing many many touching stories about the loved one who died. The person listening and witnessing these stories gets to hear about how wonderful was the deceased. And in some ways, they get to share the loss by better understanding the griever’s pain, thus lessening the burden for the griever.

A person with toxic behaviors is carrying a burden of pain. I need to believe this in order to have more compassion. And sadly, in many instances when someone is behaving in a toxic way, they are either not conscious of it or simply do not have the tools for handling that pain. And in other instances, they may have a very fragile ego that is protected by their toxic behaviors. I do believe that those people who we judge to be arrogant or narcissistic have the most fragile egos. They protect those egos by seemingly over-inflating them - attempting to make someone else look small ultimately helping themselves feel bigger and better. People with toxic behaviors get momentary relief from their pain by attempting to dump it on someone else. That dumping is their ibuprofen – only it lasts a short while so they continually make trips back to the medicine cabinet – your psyche.

The best way to handle people with toxic behaviors is to handle your own reactions to them. Are you really going to allow yourself to be disempowered? You are only powerless when you choose to be.

One mantra that has helped me in the past is: This is not about me

In the past if someone said something toxic and inappropriate to me, I used to say (in my head) 'It’s not about me' unless of course I was directly responsible for their reaction. I certainly will not shirk responsibility for righting a wrong. In that case, I remedy the situation. If you can emotionally separate yourself from another person’s toxic behaviors, you can keep better boundaries and be less reactive. And by all means, be assertive and communicate your thoughts when necessary. Use your I Statements! These are vital to your having Courageous Conversations. At this point in my life, I more easily and directly communicate my thoughts, so I rarely need the ‘it’s not about me’ mantra. Every now and then I still need it....

Some useful phrases may include:

I'm offended by that comment.

I'm concerned when you say...

I prefer that we communicate differently together.

I would be more open to hearing you and working together if you would be willing to use more constructive language.

I feel drained and often angry when I'm around you, because I'm often defending myself. I wish you would withhold critical judgments of me. Would you be willing to try that? (keep in mind - the other person may not be willing to do this! Ask a closed-ended question, you may not get the response you want.)

It seems like when we're together, I spend about 75% of my time listening to you talk about other people. I'd rather not engage in this type of conversation.

When we're together, I often find myself feeling down. I realize that about half of the comments you share have a negative connotation. I'd like to try talking in a more positive light. Would you be willing to try this?

I'd prefer to handle this without your input (when dealing with someone you judge to be 'nosy').

How do we free ourselves from them?

I believe it is so important that you allow yourself the personal freedom of being nonreactive or effectively communicating your reactions with TBPs. Do it for your mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health. Make the effort to empower yourself to rise above their behaviors rather than their getting a rise out of you. Can you imagine replacing your anger with compassion? Keep an eye out in an upcoming blog around mid-June. I will discuss how to find and hold compassion for TBP's.

No one can get a reaction from you without your permission.

I become gracefully free when I become convinced that I have the power to do a new thing.
- Sam Keen

Cheers to you and to your personal power,

Kenda

PS: if you're wondering about the paragraph separations (line of asterisks) that I inserted, it's an experiment. Sometimes my hard returns work and sometimes they don't. When they don't work, there is no paragraph separation as you can see from past posts. I'm open to any suggestions!

Customer Service is Not Just an Xternal Thing - Part II: Managers and 360 Feedback

2009-05-20T14:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it looks as if the bigger call to action these days is with internal customer service. Given that need, this is where I will focus.

I recently became involved in a discussion regarding 360 feedback and whether it is most effective when provided anonymously or non-attributed. Frankly, if an organization must provide anonymous 360 feedback, I see a major red flag glaringly waving up and down and all around. I believe a healthy organization provides and receives open feedback regularly –regardless of a 360 feedback process. Sadly, few organizations are evolved to this level.

The reason for this?

Many folks simply do not know how to communicate in a way that feedback can be well-received, AND leadership has not bred a culture of transparency or trust (that there will be no negative consequences for truthful feedback especially if comes from the bottom up) or both. During the last 20 years of my professional work experience, both as an employee and as a consultant, there is only one organization that excelled at open feedback because open communication was valued to the point in which leaders and all the rank and file folks learned and implemented effective communication skills (both 'I' statements, withholding of judgment statements, and active listening). The leaders created a culture of trust and walked their talk. Fear simply didn’t exist.

I had the privilege of being employed at this place, a non-profit called the Cancer Support and Education Center. I knew on a regular basis how well my performance was received, how to improve and how to best support others in their development. I had the confidence to share my thoughts and to listen to feedback knowing it was not a personal affront. Going to work was an absolute joy.

As a trainer, I communicate these values to the various organizations where I consult. Unfortunately, some organizations still want a quick-fix. Some decision makers think that by my teaching a Courageous Conversations course their problems will be resolved - even if the leaders are not part of the development. Granted, I am happy to see positive changes at the microcosm level even if only a handful of participants implement a new tool, yet I implore leaders to value transparency and open communication in order to create that healthy culture – especially if they want to embark upon a 360 feedback process.

Loooong story short(er!) - I am a strong supporter of open feedback in a culture that values trust and communication. In a truly open culture, there may be no need for 360 feedback, because folks know regularly where they stand. I also believe (I’m aware some opinions may differ) that 360 feedback is simply ineffective in a fear-based, cautious, mistrusting or closed culture. Some simple foundation elements from leaders (for example, leaders role-modeling their ability to receive feedback and using ‘I’ statements) can first be applied before futilely spending the time and money on a feedback process that may be half-truths because of the providers fearing negative consequences or unfavorable reactions. The reality, even in a large culture and especially in a small work group, individuals involved in an anonymous feedback system spend time and energy trying to figure out who provided the feedback.

Wouldn’t that time and energy be better spent on providing tools for more open communication? Check out http://www.nr4g.com/ for more information!

Cheers and Trust the Process!

Customer Service is Not Just an Xternal Thing - Part I: Managers

2009-04-24T17:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we forget that serving customers also includes all those people with whom you interact on a day-to-day basis on the inside of your organization. Your peers, supervisors, staff members, the air courier guy delivering a package, the folks who work in the cafeteria, the facilities gal - these are all your customers as well.

Recently, during a training class, someone shared an exchange she had with her manager. She was quite shaken by the way her manager spoke to her. I use the word to literally. This individual had no opportunity to respond. I much prefer when people speak with one another.

Her manager said something to the effect of, "You are overreacting. I think you need to check-in with your emotions. You are not expressing yourself appropriately, and you always cause trouble in our meetings." Apparently, (keep in mind that I am only hearing one side of this story) this staff member was trying to share a point during a meeting, and the manager essentially told her to 'shut up' that she didn't have a valid point. In an attempt to communicate clearly with her manager, the staff member later approached her and said, "I feel upset that you wouldn't hear me out today during our meeting. I'd like to think that I have valid points worth hearing and sharing." And that's when the manager responded with the above mentioned statement and apparently in a defensive tone (again, I wasn't there).

We spend more waking hours at our places of work than we do with our loved ones at home. Wouldn't it be nice if our work places provided a safe space to: work, communicate openly and thrive? If you tear apart the word, MANAGER, you will find manage. Simple enough. But what does it mean to manage?

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Websters seems to say the word manage is defined as:

1) to control the movement or behavior of 2) to have charge of; direct 3) to succeed in accomplishing

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Call to all leaders! Your staff members look to you for role modeling. If you take on a defensive attitude, then you can expect they will do so too. You have the responsibility of managing the morale of your work team. I'm guessing this is what Websters may have meant by 'to control the movement or behavior'. Managers manage the emotions of the group by gauging their own appropriate responses against the reactions of others; by allowing others to have appropriate reactions, and by communicating openly and appropriately.

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In order for you to succeed, your staff members must as well. If you take issue to another's comment, make a clear decision about which battles to pick. Is it worth your time and energy? Is it for the overall benefit of the business? Is it personal? If it's the latter, take a breath and let it go or have an adult conversation about it. If you are so compelled to open up dialogue, by all means, do so. Communicate the issue in a diplomatic and reasonable way. Create a dialogue. A TWO-way dialogue. By creating a workplace in which individuals have the ability to speak their opinion without reprimand is healthy and very smart on your part.

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Yes, you have a lot on your plate. Yes, it can be challenging to manage other people and a multitude of personalities. Yes, you have others expecting big results from you. By having open communication and working on your own defense issues, you can assuage your life in many ways.

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Start now:

If you are offended by someone else's statement, I see you have three options:

1) ask yourself, 'is this about me or that other person?' My belief is that almost every judgmental statement that comes out of someone else's mouth is about that other person unless I know I contributed directly to his/her reaction. If you can let it go, do so and asap.

2) if compelled to open dialogue, use your 'I' statements such as, "Sallie Sue, when you were sharing your ideas in the meeting, I felt my frustration build, because I thought you were aware we moved on from that topic. And now, it seems as if you are having a reaction from what I said to you during the meeting. First off, I apologize if I offended you. That wasn't my intent. I realize sometimes I may be blunt when I feel rushed - like I did during our meeting. Secondly, I would like for us to dialogue about this, so you can share your reactions with me and so we can figure out a way to move forward."

3) or you can walk around for the next week or so feeling angry, resentful, frustrated and build yourself a nice set of illnesses while wreaking havoc on your team members' psyches.

You choose.

TIP:

I have found a very useful phrase for opening up dialogue:

I am open to hearing your thoughts and reactions.

TIP:

If you use the above statement, mean it and be prepared to nonreactively hear things you may not like. If you can build trust and predictability with your healthy communication style, you will build a trusting work culture. Now, that's what I call xtremely effective management.

Cheers to you and to trusting the process!

Customer Service in an Xtremely Turbulent Economy

2009-04-10T18:11:00.000-07:00

Oh the complaints are mounting - both from the service providers and the customers. I'm hearing customers screaming for higher quality service in an effort to feel like they are getting value for their money. I'm hearing providers plunging into the depths of frustration regarding how the customers are more demanding than ever.

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What to do?

We have a dilemma.

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We are potentially in the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression...at least since 1982, which feels like a really long time ago. In any case, a struggle is a struggle is a struggle. In an attempt to stay afloat or ride out this riptide, some organizations are laying off. The end result: lower morale, higher stress, heavier workloads, guilt...the makings of a poor quality of work life situation. And then on the other hand, customers need to stretch their dollars as faaaaaar as they can, because they have less of them...dollars, that is. If Mr. Customer is pulling out that dollar to spend at your place of business and is greeted with an apathetic or worse yet, angry, Rep, you are finally likely to hear about it. Or worse, he will take his business elsewhere. It is likely that the modifying and accepting customer behaviors of the former economy are officially a thing of the past. No more BS any way any how. No longer are customers going to 'put up' with any semblance of poor service. The times they are a changin'. Perhaps we needed this crappy economic wake-up call to teach us how to be at our best in the good, the bad and the ugly times. Now, are you prepared to transcend?

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Yes, you, Ms. and Mr. Customer AND Ms. and Mr. Customer Rep. For it will take all of us to join together. Yes, customers have the right to expect exceptional service and quality products for their money. AND the Customer Reps have the right to be treated with respect. AND the Customer Reps have the responsibility to be respectful and overcome the maladaptive and inappropriate reactions of their customers. AND customers have the responsibility to communicate appropriately their wants and needs. We share the responsibility over and over and over again.

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I have the belief that the mature and evolved adult takes the responsibility in every situation to communicate appropriately. Can you do this? Even when ya don't feel like it?

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So, for those organizations that are struggling with a situation of poor service providers, it is of the greatest importance for you to take heed. This is the time to straighten it out JUST SO you can make it through these next several tough months. The good news. It's possible.

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People often ask me, "Kenda, how do you teach Customer Service? After all, Reps are either good or bad at it. Smile training does not work."

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I agree that smile training does not work. Frankly, in retrospect, I don't even know what smile training is. I disagree that Reps are either good or poor at providing service. Everyone can excel at their trade if given effective tools. So, no, I don't teach people how to smile. Instead, I take my background in Cognitive Psychology and help folks work from the inside out. No, not therapy. That's different. I take an Emotionally Intelligent and Communication-based approach to training. The two biggest tools I provide are:

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1) Courageous Conversations through the act of diplomatic speech

2) Dynamic Listening by withholding impulses to react and through five important techniques.

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Stay tuned for more. I'm getting requests for help. In the next several postings, I can provide some examples.

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For now. Let's all take a collective breath. Know you are not alone. At the very least, the one thing you can change is your attitude. And...there is some comfort knowing we're all in this together, no?

Happiness is not a destination it is a journey

- Aristotle

Trust the process,

Kenda