Yani's Canaan

Life and Movies

2013-07-15T01:02:00.000-07:00

Life isn't like the movies. Life, and love, is harder in real life than they are in movies. In cinema, the guy always gets the girl and they set off into the sun, holding hands without a care of the world around them. They are happy, and no antagonist or cruel witch can ever destroy that happiness. Everything is possible in cinema. A poor lumberyard laborer gets the rich, affluent girl of his dreams even though years after their summer love, she’s already set to marry a lawyer from an old Southern rich family. Two bookstore owners hate each other in person but falls in love over the Internet. A young lady spending the summer in a holiday camp with her family falls in love with the dance instructor and they had the time of their lives.

I’ve always been in love with cinema. Ever since a little girl, I’d look forward to movie dates with my parents. Every Christmas day, we would watch film fest entries. I’ve daydreamed of writing and directing my own movie based on some real people I met in my life. My life, or some parts of it, even unfolded like a movie scene right in front of my eyes. Some in color, some in black and white. Some ended abruptly, like a bad movie you would want to be refunded for, while some lasted more than the usual 1 hour and a half run time of a movie. A few chapters even ran longer than the longest Lav Diaz film.

Having an eidetic memory does not seem to help at all. Every pain, every bit of sadness I’ve ever experienced can sometimes be like a movie projected reel by reel, frame by frame. Sometimes there would be a voice in my head that would shout “Cut!” while often times, the projectionist inside my head seems to fallen asleep while he projects that pain I have been through, making me relieve every bit of pain involved in those memories. It’s harder on those days that used to have a significant meaning for me. Like the day of a first date with a guy I really fell for. Or the day I fell in love with someone. Or, the day my boyfriend married somebody else. Most of those dates seem part of the whole movie entitled Gillian’s Past.

In cinema, the guy would always arrive just in the nick of time. The words “too late” do not seem to be welcome in any romantic movie you will ever watch. The girl would try to leave, the guy would run to where she is, arrive in the nick of time to tell her he loves her and asks her to stay. In life, “too late” seems to be the norm. We’re too busy taking for granted the people who love us so much that when the time comes that they are gone, we realize how much they matter. Or how much we love them too. I should know. I’ve been “too late” more than once. Too late to realize I’m in love with a guy, too late to realize I’m taking someone for granted, too late to tell someone how I really felt. And unlike a movie where you can always press rewind if you missed a scene, in life there is no rewind button to push when you’ve missed an opportunity to tell someone that you love them.

Life isn’t like the movies. Life’s harder. Love is sometimes bitter. But unlike the movies, life continues on after 1 hour and a half. Life is much more dramatic, but much more colorful. And love, well, love is much more complicated in real life but much sweeter when you finally realized you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who loves you just the same.

random thoughts at 3 in the morning...

2013-06-26T12:59:00.000-07:00

When I took this job last September, I stopped writing. And I miss that. When I was jobless, I had all the time in the world to sit down in front of the laptop, and conjure words from nowhere. My creative juices weren’t failing me. But the moment I sat down on that desk job, seems like the words just won’t come to me anymore. It’s not just the fact that I travel miles to go to work and to go back home that I did not have time to sit down in front of the computer and write. I tried. I even tried saving some words on my mobile phone while I’m on the road to work or home. But it just wasn’t there. The words seem to have left me and the inspiration to write seems to have left my soul. Ever since I was a kid, if there’s one thing I’m sure of, is that I want to be a published writer. Not the kind you see in movies who writes in coffee shops, looking at people and observing them while sipping a hot cup of Americano, and living a happy uncomplicated life. That’s not what I envisioned myself as a writer. I envisioned myself locking myself up in my room, all day typing the words and re-typing them, deleting words that don’t fit in, writing until it hurts and no longer a delight, and editing until my eyes hurt from looking at some of the errors I have made, emerging only when I have finished a brainchild.

But that never happened. Yes, I’ve had my fair share of writing for school publications from grade school to college, writing for company websites and blogging on my own website, I have never really finished a book. And that is what I have always wanted to do. Finish a book. Any kind of book. A novel, a semi-autobiographical piece, a fictional piece that revolves around a certain person I know. Any kind. But I want to be able to publish a book. I’ve tried. I’ve started writing a manuscript. And it revolves around a huge chunk of my life. Someone once said that the richest resource a writer has is his own life. With the numerous heartaches I’ve got throughout the years I’ve had relationships with the opposite sex, I thought I had all the resources I need. But it wasn’t easy writing about men who might be hurt by the things I have to say about them even if I hide their identity under fictional characters. I envy an ex-suitor of mine who has already published two books, and one of them has pieces about me. I wasn’t mad. I did not become mad. Because I know that there won’t be a soul who will know that he was writing about me, unless they know of our story.

Now, I have no excuse for not continuing the manuscript I have started because I have already resigned from that job. And while my husband is at my side, sound asleep and snoring, I found myself opening a word document to type my thoughts away. Mind you, I have just finished an episode of Pretty Little Liars, a show I am a bit addicted to, but at four in the morning, my mind is still wandering. Wondering if I still have the capabilities to finish what I started. Here I am, a newlywed 25-year old lady, munching on some snacks to keep me from getting hungry while contemplating if I should continue the story I have started to write, or write another one. Ever since that rejection from a major magazine company, I have lost confidence in my ability to write. Though my two biggest fans, my mom and my husband, say I am good at writing and they know I will get published someday, I’m seriously starting to doubt that. It doesn’t help my confidence at all to be rejected four times in the past 3 years by the same major magazine for all the positions I applied for. I’m not hoping to be a Laida Magtalas who got a job as an editorial assistant and bagged the heart of his boss as the major grand prize (and plot of the movie). I’m just hoping to be able to write and be published by starting from the lowest position in any publication group. But Lady Luck was not on my side. At least not yet, I hope.

A few commendations on a short piece I posted on my Facebook wall about Tim Duncan brought in some much needed push to bring out my writing pen again and start letting the words flow in. The Spurs Nation fan page even commended it as a well written post.

“Spurs Nation You hit the nail on the head with this Gillian, excellently written – JT”

So, should I try to finish this manuscript I have been putting on hold for quite some time now? The thought of it being finished makes me nervous. What if, it gets finished but gets rejected by publishers? What if, no publishing house in the country would accept it? What if, some really good writers I admire tell me it is full of rubbish? What if.

Every time I try to finish it, I get scared. Blame my lack of confidence on my writing skills on someone who once told me I’m not good in writing. And maybe I never really got over that blow. It is always at the back of my head every time I try to add more pages to the work I have started. Then whenever I get scared, I remind myself of this scene from one of my favorite TV shows from the US, Criminal Minds. It was from their Pilot episode entitled Extreme Aggressor. On that particular scene, one of the members of the BAU (Behavioral Analysis Unit) needs to crack a password for the UnSub’s laptop. UnSub is their term for Unknown Subject, a suspect or unknown criminal that they are looking for. If they don’t get to crack the password, they might never find the missing girl. The BAU member, Derek Morgan, only has a few tries left. Their unit chief, Jason Gideon, tries to motivate him.

“Jason Gideon: Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

Dr. Spencer Reid: Samuel Beckett.

Derek Morgan: Try not. Do or do not.

Dr. Spencer Reid: Yoda.”

Fail again. Fail better. Some of us have tried and failed. Some have tried again and have failed again. But have we failed better? Have I failed better?

---

P.S. As of writing this, my manuscript still remains untouched. But tomorrow, or should I say later because it’s now 3:53 AM, as soon as I wake up I will continue writing my manuscript. Everyone who believes in my work and have said praises about it have given me the much needed boost to continue. Thank you. J

The Battle

2012-09-11T12:58:00.000-07:00

The earth is one big battle field made up of different big or miniscule battlefields in different places around the world. The school is one big battle arena wherein only those strong enough to survive the bullies emerge. One's workplace is another battlefield one must conquer to be able to survive. Even love is a battlefield. And everyone is a warrior, wearing different sets of armour and sporting different set of weapons every now and then.

    My world has always been a battlefield. From the moment I started schooling until I graduated from college up to the time I started every single job I had since I ventured into the professional world. Even love really was a battlefield. I fought, I slew, I got scathed, I was slain, I surrendered. But love and its constant battles can really get into one's skin and leave a tattoo. A scar that is so permament one can no longer have it removed even if one would go through hell and back just to seek a way to remove it.

    I've been through hell and back. In order to save myself from all the pain, I ventured into the dark realms of hell and would always emerged scathed yet stronger than before I went there. Since the concept of romantic relationships were introduced into my system, 21 men have come and gone with different motives and reasons for leaving. Some left and made a cut nastier than the others. Others simply left, without any explanation, without any word thus leaving a wound that was never fully healed. Others simply gave up fighting the love battlefield with me. Different men, different relationships but nonetheless, all of them leaving a permanent scar, a wound that pushed me each time to go to hell and back.

    When someone shouted to me, "You don't know what I've been through just to get over him!", I wanted to slap that girl, knowing that the relationship she was talking about was just her first heartbreak. I wanted to shout back at her and tell her, "You don't know the hell I've been through to fix myself all these years!" just to show her how my heart has been hurt more than the pain she had experienced. Hell wasn't even sufficient enough to be used in the situations I've been through just to get over all of them. Making pacts with the devil just to regain my strength after every heartbreak wasn't exactly a walk in the park nor was it a bed of roses. And pacts I made just to temporarily fix myself until the next jerk comes breaking me again. One heartbreak over a guy she was in a relationship with for a few years can never really sum up greater than my 21 heartbreaks and heartaches combined. Oh, the nerve to tell me hers was greater! Throwing one's self over to a guy who barely even cared, more so love her wasn't anyone's fault but hers. Same as some of my heartbreaks. But one thing I learned from everything, those heartbreaks and heartaches caused by someone who loved you was greater than the pain caused by those who did not. In letting go of those jerks who did not really love you at all, you free yourself of a stupidity you committed, while in letting go of those guys who loved you as much as you loved them, you are freeing yourself of a once in a lifetime love you feel for that person, and of the person you once were when you were with them. In my case, it was letting go of the ones that really loved me that broke my soul more than any other pain caused to my heart.

    Sinag. A ray of sun. I once called someone by that term of endearment. He was like a ray of sun filling up my life in a time when I was already bored of gray-clad hallways and dusty rooms filled with chairs with almost broken armrests. Having been in a number of relationships before Sinag, I thought I knew everything about love. But he proved me wrong, and our love story painted a whole new picture in my head I never knew I could paint. Most of the college professors back then tell me that they were fans of our love story. A guy and a girl from two totally different religions, trying to make the differences work for our advantage. It was such a good relationship wherein we give, and we take. Of all the guys I've been with, he was the only one I submitted to without him asking me to. He would not do the things I dislike, and I would do the same to him. One professor even commented, "You were at your best when you were with each other." Indeed, I was at my best. My grades were on the top of the class, with no failures and only one grade below 85. He was, for the first time since he enrolled in school, attending classes regularly and without a miss. But people say, good things must come to an end. And a relationship like ours ended sooner than I expected. One day, he had gone to school a little late than his usual time and went to search for me. By the look on his face the moment I saw him, I new darker times were ahead. Could his parents have known about us? Could my mom have found out about us and threatened him? Those are some of the questions that plagued my head at those few seconds he was walking towards me. The news he gave me was totally unexpected. Here is the man I have loved and given my life and soul to, telling me that he will be married soon. Married to a girl he doesn't love. Married to a girl from the same religion as him, from the same social strata as their family. Married to another girl. Married to someone not me. At that moment, I felt my whole world start to crumble right in front of my very own eyes. There in front of me, is my whole world being snatched away by religion and traditions I can never fight with. My armour started to rust, and my sword felt like lead in my hands. The mighty warrior princess, his princess, was starting to die on the inside of her armour. That day, the heavens were pouring out their tears. It was raining beyond cats and dogs, a sign I took as the heavens crying over one real love ending because of religion and tradition. Days passed and I wallowed in self-pity and depression. Gone is the warrior in me. I would still see him in school and he would still spend most of his time with me. But the relationship has already been scathed. Spending time with me until his wedding day was his way of dealing with the inevitable, while I spend time cooking my heart out in my culinary classes. I was broken, hurt, and in pain and he chose to be nonchalant about it. Or that's what it looked like for me. Until one day, he decided to wear his armour again and pick up his sword. He decided that he is fighting. Fighting for me. But that fight was short-lived. He had to give it up for my safety. I fought back, telling the world I don't care if I die but I will fight for his love. The love I know will never leave his heart until his dying day. I fought back until I can no longer fight back. I fought back until I can no longer protect and defend myself from the inevitable destruction that was looming over. The day I gave up was the day he tied the knot. I fought hard until the last second, until the minute he was entering the wedding venue. I fought, I fought until I can no longer fight. He got married and got himself two kids. And now, years after that last battle we fought together, thinking of him can only bring a smile, none of the pain and hurt I used to feel back then. None of the heartache that pushed me to make a pact with the devil just so I can have my old self back.

    Antukin. That was a title of a song that took the airwaves like a storm a few years back. That is also what I called a man who came into my life and took it by storm. I fell in love so fast and I fell hard. He was the epitome of perfect. Everything about him looks perfect in my perspective. But just as swiftly he came, swiftly he left. I don't know if he ever got to know how much I love him and how much I hurt when he left but I guess he will never know. This was one battle I never won, and one battle I can never win. His heart is one trophy that could never be mine, nor will it ever be mine. It has already been claimed, I think. Claimed long before I came into his life, claimed before I even rallied to claim it. "tadhana'y merong trip na makapangyarihan, kung ayaw may dahilan, kung gusto palaging merong paraan... pinaiyak ka ng manghuhula, hindi na raw tayo magkasamang tatanda. buti na lang merong langit na nagtatangol sa pag-ibig na pursigido't matiyaga." as the song puts it. It wasn't the fortune teller who made me cry. It was the person who sang me this song before he boarded his flight to Doha one sunny June day. The lyrics was right. We won't be growing old together. Not because I did not want to, but because he already knew from the start that his home is not with my heart. Doning my armour, I fought back. I wanted to end up with him. But I found myself one day retreating. I found myself under an office desk, crying my eyes out. And more of those crying bouts followed as I saw how happy he is with a life without me on it. But I wouldn't shed my armour. Crying, I went back to the field and shouted to everyone who would listen, "I want him back!" After 2 months of crying and shouting my heart out, he came back. He came back only to leave again. That kind of battle went on for a few months until, a few days before my 21st birthday, he left and never returned. Of all my dances with the devil, the one that happened after he left was the hardest. Not because the moves where complicated, but because my heart wasn't into it. I was forcing myself to get back my old self, the one I had before I met him but my heart wasn't fully into it. I fought, and fought hard to have him back. My dance with the devil ended with my heart badly bruised than ever before, and my soul ripped apart. What transpired after was totally out of my control. Or so I thought. Guys came into my life and I felt like I was slowly regaining my old self again. What I noticed though, in the months after I left them, or they left me is that, in each one of those guys, there was a part that reminded me of him. The hair, the physique, the musical skills, the gentle demeanor, the likes and dislikes. Months after he left and everything in my world still seem to revolve around him. I took this as a result of him leaving without even bothering to tell me why he is leaving but I never took it as a result of me not wanting to move on. That moment I realized that it was a result of me not wanting to move on, I fought. I fought with myself. I threatened the girl in the mirror so she would stop holding on and start letting go. My battle with myself took me to a point of desperation that took me to a place called Calvary. I've been here before, at this small hill to lay down my sins and disappointments and heartaches. Never have I thought that I would be back again, this time with a burden heavier than the heartaches I laid down before at the foot of that cross at the top of the hill. Putting down my sword at the foot of the hill, I made my way up to where the cross was situated, with every step killing me. It was a harder climb than before, with my heart heavier than ever. I did not want to lay it all down there this time. I don't want to surrender my battle for his heart here. I wanted to go on, to fight until my last day on earth. But something divine interfered and whispered, "Enough. You have suffered enough. Let me fight the rest of the fight for you." So at the foot of the cross on the top of the hill, I laid it all down. My heartache, my love for him, and every single question I have in my head. Memories of Antukin will finally be put to sleep.

    BEST. After all those battles I fought for love, I never really thought that one day, when I have already put down my armour, that real love at its best would find me. In a day I least expected to be found by pure, unconditional, once-in-a-lifetime love, I was found. From warrior princess to someone's only princess and soon to be queen, my life has changed from black and white to colorful. After all the heartaches, heartbreaks, bruised egos, and one ripped soul that is mine, the future looked like a rainbow in the sky. Here I am, after fighting the battles of my heart, finally getting ready to end my year with a new surname, and a new home. Though the road that led me to this path was a hard, twisted, rugged one, I know that this path leads to my heart's home. And I'm never going back to where I used to be.

(photo from Google search. That's Athena, Goddess of Wisdom, also the Goddess of War when she's Minerva)

FORGIVING...

2012-02-11T10:22:00.000-08:00

"I forgive the tears I was made to shed,
I forgive the pain and the disappointments,
I forgive the betrayals and the lies,
I forgive the slanders and the intrigues,
I forgive the hatred and the persecution,
I forgive the blows that hurt me,
I forgive the wrecked dreams,
I forgive the stillborn hopes,
I forgive the hostility and jealousy,
I forgive the indifference and ill will,
I forgive the injustice carried out in the name of justice,
I forgive the anger and the cruelty,
I forgive the neglect and the contempt,
I forgive the world and all its evils." -Aleph by Paulo Coelho (page 156-157)

Paulo Coelho writes about his own self and the people he meets in this lifetime, and in his other lifetimes. I do the same. I write about the people I've met, had relationships with, or those who simply touched a nerve or an emotion in me. Since I started going back to writing a manuscript a couple of months ago (the first one I wrote while I was in college is now lost in my old PC's busted hard drive that I can't access anymore), all I ever wrote about was a certain guy. My friends call him THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY. I call him, THE ONE WHO NEVER SAID GOODBYE. After reading Paulo Coelho's Aleph, I was at a lost. For certain, I know I don't love the guy anymore. I am in a happy and healthy relationship with the man I know God has made to be mine. So why is there this unexplainable feeling that has something to do with the one who never said goodbye?

My Bible says there is no other lifetimes than the one I'm living now. That there is no such thing as getting reincarnated into a cockroach if you don't do well in this lifetime. But why am I thinking, "What if, in another lifetime, he also left me without even saying goodbye? Should I fix it in this lifetime?"

I never wanted to finish reading Aleph. First few chapters and I already know it's going to be just like Eat Pray Love all over again. Eat Pray Love got me. It got me crying in my sleep. It even got me crying alone inside the moviehouse when I went to watch the movie alone. Yes, I watched it alone because I didn't want anyone seeing me cry over a Julia Roberts movie about finding one's self across three countries. The time I was reading the book, I already knew that the movie will make me cry. I watched it anyway. I guess you can call me a sucker for hurting myself. The first few chapters of the book Eat Pray Love made me want to throw it across the room, not because it was poorly written or something but because of all the names she can use, it has to be the name of the guy who never said goodbye. Could it be fate or some random circumstance that these 2 books (Eat Pray Love and Aleph) that were given to me by friends should remind me of him? With Eat Pray Love, I never got an answer. With Aleph, I did.

I asked myself, why is he the subject of my writings? Why is he always the protagonist/antagonist in the short stories I write? And why is he still the sun of my literary universe? Is it because I believe he is the one that got away and that all my literary works should be about him? Or is it because a part of me is still hurting because I cannot love him? Or is it because a part of me is still hurting that he cannot and will never love me the same way I loved him? Aleph gave me one simple answer but the truest of all the answers I've heard from a lot of people and books I've read.

I HAVE NOT FORGIVEN. Forgiven myself for falling in love with him and allowing myself to get hurt and forgiven him for leaving me stranded a number of times and never saying goodbye. My most favorite definition of the word FORGIVENESS is "giving up the right to hurt someone for hurting you" but I never really relinquished that right when it comes to him. I still want to hurt him, to show him how much pain he caused me, and how much he messed up my heart. A big day is fast approaching come December and I can't afford for that day to finally come with excess baggage I can't seem to get away from. Everytime I try to throw away that baggage, it manages to creep up behind me, waiting for the next time to show up right infront of my face. What should I do then? Unlike Hilal in the book Aleph, I was never able to talk to the man who hurt me. In the book, Paulo met Hilal, the woman he loved five hundred years before, but whom he betrayed in an act of cowardice. They met, journeyed together towards forgiveness and finding peace with the past. I, on the other hand, am alone in this journey of finding peace with my past and finally finding forgiveness. Anyone can try to help me forgive but will never be really successful in doing so. Listening to songs that will remind me of him on the loop will never help either. Until I opened my Bible to a verse that speaks well of forgiveness. Matthew 18:21-35 speaks about The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant. It's last line says:

"unless you forgive your brother from your heart..."

Forgiving from the bottom of my heart. Easy to say, but never easy to do. I grew up always getting even when someone offended me or angered me or hurt me. But this time, it's different. Forgiving him is not something I'm doing only for myself. It's something I'm doing for myself and for the man I love. Reading the Bible verse reminded me that in the past, I have turned my back on my first love, my unconditional love, the one great God who went down from His throne in heaven to forgive me of my sins and to restore me to eternal life with Him. I hurt Him, caused Him pain, yet He went down His throne to forgive me and to love me just the same as if I have never caused Him any pain. For the first time in my life since the early morning December 5, 2009 (the last time I saw him and talked to him in person), my heart is at ease, at peace. It took me this long to realize that moving on doesnt only mean freeing yourself from the love you once felt for a person, or pushing back the memories you both once made at the back of your memory storage so as not to be able to touch them again, or throwing away things that remind you of the person. Moving on should start and end with FORGIVING. Forgiving yourself, and forgiving the other person. Only then will you will finally be able to set each other free. For others, it takes a fraction of a second to forgive while for most of us, it would take months, even years to finally be able to fully, wholeheartedly forgive. It's never a walk in the park, this forgiving thing. For most of the time, it's like a rollercoaster ride. One day you feel like forgiving someone, while the next day you will feel totally the opposite. You might loathe the other person, or feel mad or angry the next. It is never the same feeling unless you forgive your brother from your heart just like what the parable says.

A Goodbye to a Great 2011... Hello to an Even Greater 2012!

2011-12-31T11:24:00.000-08:00

2011 has just ended a few hours ago. 2012 has just started. Life in 2011 has been so great but I know 2012 will even be greater. :D So here's what happened in 2011:

*Ventured into renovating a bar out of nothing and friends helping. But then, I had to give it up to the real owners because they wanted to turn it into a cabaret again. When I left my job as Marketing and Events Officer at their restaurant, I left the bar too and decided to pursue my passions in life.

*Pursued my passions - Photography and Videography. Thank God for open doors because I was able to experience a lot in terms of both field. Thanks to Tootoots Leyesa for teaaching me and allowing me to shoot Mr. Noel Cabangon's album cover using his camera; thanks also to Jheng H. Abal for the tips in photography; to Wella Fan for the clients and stints you gave me; and most of all to Jeremy Sauza Cruz for the Canon 550d and for the lessons in Photography!

*Volunteered fulltime for Victory Christian Fellowship and Edited videos for them. Was so blessed to be a part of a new church family this year, the Communications Ministry of VCF Ortigas. They are such a warm bunch of people, true and not plastic. They will love you for who you are and teach you how to be a better Christian. To Papa Panda Wilbert Osiones, the father of the Communications Ministry Pandalets thank you for considering me one of your "guya" (anak/daughter/pandalet). To Lord Shen, Aren Adao,thank you for the trust in some of the projects we did and also for giving me the chance to be seen on TV. To Ate Jheng, thank you for the editing jobs and the hours we spent together in all the projects, lasting up to 1am or 2am at times. To Marielle Manahan, thank you for trusting me to do photography at the church events! To my Kapatid na Pandalets Alex, Cherry, MG, Wella, Jekka, thanks for the friendship! Looking forward to working more projects with all of you!

*Was welcomed by Pastor Marc Constantino at VCF Metro East. :D

*Mom got sick and was diagnosed with Adenomyosis with cysts in the uterus. She got operated and we spent a number of times at the hospital, first when she was already bleeding profusely, second was when a procedure called Biopsy was done and last was when they finally operated on her to remove the myoma and cysts in her uterus. Praise God, she's now okay. She was on leave from work for 2 months after the operation for recuperation but now, she's been able to go to school, go videoke sessions with her faculty friends, and she even got herself a brand new laptop wherein she can now do her school works PLUS play solitaire and just now before 2011 ended, she finally learned how to play Angry Birds!

*Got to meet and greet one of my favorite novelists NICHOLAS SPARKS. Jeremy lined up all morning for a signing pass so he can surprise me with it. For someone who was NEVER as in NEVER LUCKY with draws, that day, he got to draw a signing pass for me. So officially i was the 460th person to have a book autographed by Nicholas Sparks plus a photo of me with him. It was such an amazing surprise from God and him.

*Got to shoot an AVP for Jollibee, one of the biggest food chains in the country. Thanks to Imacron for choosing me to play a role in that AVP/Short Film.

*Got the new girl math whiz role of RIA in Knowledge Channel's Math Show K-HIGH. Thanks to Kuya Aren Adao for sending me casting information and for coaching me about things. Thanks to Never Ending Media Productions for trusting me with Ria's character! For a girl who was never really good in Math, in fact I almost flunked all my Math subjects all my life had it not been for the help of my classmates who were patient enough to help me with seatworks and those who tutored me for exams, having a Math show and being blessed financially by it is one great blessing I received.

*Had a new VG leader and she's one sweet and amazing woman! Thanks Ate Marielle for being there and for beings such a good listener. Thanks for all the advice, the sisterly love, and the happy times with your husband Kuya Mike! Thank you also to Kuya Mike for being a brother to me and Jeremy.

*Launched RED AND PURPLE CREATIVE STUDIO with the love of my life, photography and videography partner and boyfriend Jeremy Sauza Cruz. To all the clients who trusted us with their celebrations and events, you made my 2011 a fruitful and blessed one in terms of financial blessings!

*My birthday this year was a blast! My man organized the most amazing, most expensive birthday surprise ever for me. It was his first time to organize a birthday surprise for any girl for that matter and he was able to pull it through. Candlelight dinner at The Linden Suites (Suite 1703), then a surprise party with my friends at the same venue. Though most were unable to go because of the busy schedule that the Christmas season brought, it was still great. The best part was the fireworks display of Megamall seen entirely from the window of our suite.

*Got to know such an amazing family and I'm already excited to be part of that family. Tita Lhen, Jeremy, Jemy, Hannah, Jeth, Nanay, Tita Chat, Tito Jim, Jaimee and James. Thank you Tita Lhen for welcoming me into your family despite and inspite of.

*and the best part of 2011 - my boyfriend, my God's best, my foodtrip buddy, my photowalk companion, my business partner, my shoulder to cry on, my soon-to-be husband, my soon-to-be swimming instructor, my nurse whenever I get sick, my provider on those times that financial blessings are so tight and have not gone my way, my personal assistant on my shoots, my gig buddy, my co-music lover, my walking partner, and most of all, the love of my life Jeremy Sauza Cruz. Thank you for being such an amazing man! For being THE BEST in everything. Thank you for understanding my ever crazy moods and temper and for being a man who can lead me and tell me when I'm already being such a pain in the ass. Thank you for such an amazing love, a love I have never felt from any man in my entire life. I love you much! Much more than you can imagine! Looking forward to more years ahead as we walk together in the center of God's will.

and the GREATEST THANK YOU is for the GREATEST, the MOST WONDERFUL, MOST AMAZING, MOST GENEROUS, MOST LOVING, and MOST FORGIVING and MERCIFUL being in my life - GOD, JESUS CHRIST. Thank You for all the blessings - monetary, circumstances, events, people. And thank You for the unconditional love and never ending grace!

Happy New Year everyone!
Love,
Yani

24 things I want to accomplish next year...

2011-12-22T10:11:00.000-08:00

Last December 17, I celebrated my 24th birthday. It was the best birthday ever thanks to my God's best Jeremy. He organized the best birthday surprise ever. As most people would write about the things they learned in the span of their existence, here I am writing about the things I wish to accomplish while I am still 24. Then when I turn, I'm going back to this list and see if I was able to accomplish all of these... :D

1. LEARN HOW TO SWIM AGAIN. I have this tendency to push back memories and skills I learned if it's somehow associated with an ex. Well, swimming is associated with my longest relationship before Jeremy. Jess, my ex bestfriend/boyfriend was a swimmer and all those 6 years we were best of friends, he was always trying to teach me how to swim. This year, I vow to take swimming seriously.

2. LEARN HOW TO PLAY THE GUITAR/PIANO/BASS. I wish to be able to learn how to play any of those 3 but I wish to learn how to play the bass most. I used to be able to play the guitar until, again as my memory would always do, when it's associated with an ex, I tend to forget the skill. This time, I know Jeremy will teach me and I won't forget.

3. LEARN HOW TO RIDE A BIKE. Seriously, I'm 24 and I don't know how to ride a bike. When I was a kid, I would be taught by my dad how to ride the bike but I was too afraid to move forward because I was afraid I might crash and get nasty wounds. That time I still had dreams of becoming a beauty queen that's why I don't want to get my skin scathed. Hoping that this year, I finally get to learn how to ride the bike.

4. LEARN HOW TO DRIVE MANUALLY. I learned how to drive years ago but what I learned was how to drive an automatic car. So this time, I wish to learn how to drive manually.

5. TO COMPLETE MY NICHOLAS SPARKS COLLECTION. I have his novels The Bend in the Road, The Guardian, The Wedding, The Notebook, True Believer, and The Best of Me so far and I wish to complete my collection of his books. Hopefully I'll be able to complete them soon.

6. FINISH WRITING A BOOK. I've always dreamt of becoming a published author and before I turn 25 next December, I hope I get to finish this manuscript I've began, and to submit it to a publishing house. Hopefully, I get to be published at the age of 24! All in God's time.

7. TO FINALLY BE ABLE TO PUT INTO FILM THE STORY I'VE WRITTEN AS A SHORT FILM RELEASED ONLINE. I don't have the means to really produce a full-length short film and how it released elsewhere so I only wish to release it as an online video. Hopefully I get to shoot it soon!

8. TO BE ABLE TO SHOOT PHOTOS OF ANY OF MY FAVORITE MUSIC ARTISTS. Not just normal gig photos but I wish to have a real photoshoot session with any of my favorite music artists. I was already given the chance to shoot Mr. Noel Cabangon, under the watchful eyes of Tootoots Leyesa but I still want to add another feather in my cap. Rico Blanco? Bamboo? Urbandub? Parokya ni Edgar? Ely Buendia? Pepe Smith? Why not!

9. TO HAVE A PHOTO OF ME WITH SIR JOEY DE LEON. Oh yes, I'm a fan of the genius! And Mr. Joey de Leon is one of those I really see as a genius. So yeah, fan girl me wants a photo with him.

10. TO BE ABLE TO PHOTOGRAPH A KNOWN CELEBRITY. I wish for a known celebrity to be shot by my lens. Not just your usual stolen shots when you see them in the mall, but a real photo in a studio or location.

11. A TEN-DAY MISSION TO A MUSLIM COUNTRY. Yes, I have the heart for missions. Same as the heart of my man. We both have a heart for Muslims as well. So this year, I know, I'll be sent out. Cmon!

12. TO FINALLY GET TO TALK FACE TO FACE WITH THAT PERSON I REALLY WISH WOULD TALK TO ME IN PERSON AND CLOSE SOME CHAPTERS.

13. TO START AN ONLINE SHOP. What will I sell? That is yet to be revealed.

14. FOR RED AND PURPLE CREATIVE STUDIO TO GO FULL-THROTTLE. Red and Purple Creative Studio is my baby with Jeremy. It's our videography business and we specialize in creative wedding and debut videos. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Red-and-Purple-Creative-Studio/227986380607513

15. TO BE ABLE TO WRITE SOME LYRICS AND HAVE JEREMY MAKE THE MELODY. I am a writer and I love writing poems and lines and I wish to have one of my poems be made into a song. My ultimate wish? To be able to write a worship song.

16. TO GRADUATE FROM BIBLE SCHOOL.

17. TO HOST EVENTS AGAIN.

18. MORE TV SHOWS FOR ME AFTER K-HIGH.

19. TO FINALLY FORGIVE SOMEONE. Oh I know most of my friends know who that person is. Even my VG leader at church knows who that person is. Hopefully I get to forgive soon.

20. RANT LESS (OR NOT AT ALL) ON MY ONLINE ACCOUNTS. Easy to say, hard to do. But with God's grace, I hope to be able to accomplish this.

21. HAVE MY OLD AND BUSTED PHONE BE REPLACED WITH A BB. Oh yes I want a blackberry! It doesn't have to be the really expensive ones. I'm happily contented with a simple one. Just as long as I get to BBM my bestfriend Shine abroad as well as most of my friends. Oh and the last time I changed phones was March 2009. Don't you think it's about high time I change?

22. BUY A NIKKOR 50MM LENS FOR MY EVER RELIABLE BUT OLD D40. Oh yes, I just want a lens. Not a new unit. I'm happily contented with my d40. Plus, as soon as Leigh (Jeremy's and mine's Canon 550d) gets repaired, I have another unit when I have a photoshoot. :D

23.BE MORE MINDFUL OF MY WORDS AND MY TEMPER. Well, I've been trying hard for the past 20 years. Hopefully, there's a greater improvement this year.

24. BE THE WOMAN THAT GOD WANTS ME TO BE. I just want to be more and more of who He wants me to be all the years of my life.

:D

It's the Simple Things in Life We Forget...

2011-11-22T09:27:00.000-08:00

it's the simple things in life we forget...

you hear her talking but dont hear what she's saying

how could you make something so easy so complicated

searching for what's right in front of your face

but you can't see it...

-Usher

A lot of people right now have forgotten that simple things used to bring forth happiness. That the simple things in life are sometimes the most satisfying things in this world. In an era plagued by social networking sites, the world wide web, Apple products and Android phones, a lot of the things that used to bring us happiness and entertainment have slowly been neglected.

Kids nowadays spent more time making friends via the internet rather than going out of their houses and making friends with their neighbors. If you see kids nowadays in school, when they are on their breaks, they would usually be on their phones, iPods, iPads, laptops or any wifi connecting device facebook-ing away or tweeting away. Back in my childhood days, school breaks are spent chasing each other, playing hide and seek, Chinese garter, agawan base, tumbang preso, or patintero. Now the kids of today have lost interest in playing REAL games. They would just rather spend their time in front of a PC, playing online RPG games, Angry birds, or harvesting crops on Farmville. Gone are the days of bruised knees.

People nowadays would rather download eBooks than going out to your favorite bookstore and getting a copy of the latest novel from your favorite author. For most people, it's easier and more economical to download books on the Internet. But what ever happened to the joy of flipping over a page (a real page made of paper for that matter), putting dog ears on the books you read, borrowing books from friends and sharing your book collection to others?

Technology may have made things easier for us yet it have also robbed us of the simple but REAL joys in life.

"Mudblood" in Sports

2011-11-18T11:31:00.000-08:00

(Mudblood in Harry Potter books refer to those half-blood witches and warlocks. Those born from a pure-blooded families and Muggles, a term used for non magic people.)

Recently, I posted a status on Facebook that says:

i miss the days when surnames like Buhain, Lucero, Muros, De Vega, and Velasco make the country proud whenever they win in the SEA Games or the Olympics. Nowadays, Filipinos are proud of those who win in the SEA Games whose surnames are Hodge, Ellis, Slaughter, and Parks. Now I have a glimpse of how Benjie Paras felt when he retired early from PBA because of the FIL-SHAM affair. Cant the country produce ALL FILIPINO WORLD CLASS athletes anymore?

and another one that says:

I'm not against half-pinoys playing here. It's just that there are a whole lot of Pinoy athletes who are not being given the chance to compete in the SEA Games because they don't have the MONEY to train and the capability to travel abroad. I hate to think that sports officials in the country would tend to rely on the GENES of other races that are in the bodies of those half-pinoys rather than the sheer talent and hard work of PURE Pinoy athletes. I dont think the country doesn't have a new Elma Muros in the making or a new Onyok Velasco or a new Paeng Nepomuceno.

These 2 Facebook statuses weren't the result of Dave Marcelo playing for the Sinag Pilipinas team. Most of my friends knew that I hated Beda winning the championship crown because their athletes are composed of Half-Americans, Half-Australians and a Pure blooded African. But it wasn't the main reason why I posted those status messages. Here's the reason why:

I miss the days when PURE BLOODED FILIPINOS make FILIPINOS proud. That when they see these Filipino athletes compete for the name of the country, they feel proud because they have the same skin color, same facial features, and same language. So what happened to the Philippine Sport scene?

Before, these athletes make us proud:

1. Elma Muros - Philippines' Long Jump Queen and Iron Lady. She won a total of 15 GOLD medals in the SEA GAMES. She also competed at the Olympic Games for the long jump event. STATUS: PURE PINOY

2. Lydia De Vega - Asia's fastest woman in the 1980s. Asia's Sprint Queen. Two-time Olympian. STATUS: PURE PINOY

3. Eric Buhain - Won a gold for the country at the SEA Games when he was just 15. In 1989, he broke one of existing SEA Games records for swimming. Several gold medals where attributed to his name in the SEA Games. STATUS: PURE PINOY

4. Bea Lucero - Won a bronze medal in the 1992 Olympic games for taekwondo. She won 2 golds and 3 silver medals for gymnastics at the 1987 SEA Games. STATUS: PURE PINOY

4. Miguel Molina - Two-time Olympian. Best Male Athlete, 2007 SEA Games. Philippine record-holder, 100m freestyle, 50m and 200m butterfly, and 200m and 400m Individual Medley. 7 Gold medals for the 2002 SEA Games. STATUS: PURE PINOY (P.S. both his parents are pure blooded Pinoys, he was born in Quezon City but they moved to Tokyo and he studied at Berkeley in the States)

5. Mansueto "Onyok" Velasco - Gold medal awardee 1994 Asian Games. Silver medalist, 1996 Summer Olympics, our only medal for that year. For the Filipinos, he is the rightful winner for that fight for the gold. STATUS: PURE PINOY

Now, these are the ones who are making us proud:

Greg SLAUGHTER

Bobby PARKS Jr.

Clifford HODGE


Chris ELLIS

Do i hear or see Filipino surnames in any one of those athletes?

What ever happened to those talented athletes from around the country? Those from the provinces who would survive the heat of the Palarong Pambansa just to compete in the sport that they love? They cannot compete with these FIL-AMS or FIL-SHAMS because they cannot buy the proper equipments and training gear for them to be able to fully use their talents the best way they can. They cannot even be trained by professionals because they cannot afford their fees. But I tell you, there are a lot of Pinoys out there who, given with the same amount of training and equipments, can win more medals for the country.

Here's a link to a docu made by GMA 7's Sandra Aguinald about the younger swimming athletes of the country and how they lack a lot in terms of training and gear. You might be interested to watch and see what's lacking. http://youtu.be/oIJ8tvyUl4o

From Hero to Zero?

2011-11-13T12:28:00.000-08:00

8 solid years of ball and his last game was a failure for most of the spectators. It wasn't a good way to end a collegiate career nor would it be how he would have planned to end his years as a Stag. His statistics for the Finals bout were 1 Rebound, 0 Freethrows, 4 Assists, 1 Steal, 0 Blocks, 6 Turnovers, 2 Fouls, 3 Field Goals, 1 3-pointer, and 2 2-pointers. Too bad for him, most people only care and remember the last basket missed, the last turnover, the last error, the last game lost, or in this case, the last championship crown we gave away to Beda. They seem to forget that once, that Stag brought home a few crowns to our school.

2005 and 2006. Check your history and you will know that these years were the first 2 years of a 4-peat championship that made stars such as Raffy Reyes, Arvie Bringas, Ryan Buenafe, Eric Carlo Salamat, and Paul Lee. But wait, they can't and will not be able to win one championship, more so, four if there weren't other players in the team. One of those players who contributed 2 of those 4-peat championship streak was the Stag a number of people are now calling stupid. Stupid for all those turnovers, stupid for not playing good enough as a point guard, stupid for not leading his team enough to emerge as this year's NCAA basketball champion. Yes, he was one of the important members of that team that gave you a 4-peat Juniors NCAA record, ending a 19-year championship drought. He was wearing jersey number 18 then.

2009. The Seniors won their first championship after a 7-year drought . He was a part of that Jimbo Aquino-led team. He was now wearing jersey number 17.

It saddened me to see a number of Sebastinos post on Facebook things like, "Ang bobo mo namang point guard!" or "Wala kang kwentang point guard ang dami mong turnovers." These people, sadly, might not even have an idea that he wasn't originally a POINT GUARD. His original team position was the 2 - SHOOTING GUARD. (Many don't even know the difference between the two positions.) He didn't use to care about play-making. Before, as part of the team, his main aim is to shoot. But in the middle of the first round of the 87th NCAA season, he was transitioned to be a point guard, following the unfortunate ACL injury of Jonjon Semira. If one would look closely at the game, one would see glimpses of his original position emerge in some crucial moments of the game. He won't think twice of going for a basket, a trait common to SGs. He shoots teardrops, a basket not common to PGs but considered one of the strengths of an SG.

I remember a tweet by Jovit Dela Cruz that said something like a team is composed of members and it doesn't necessarily mean that all members should have equal points. That's true. When they play ball, their scores aren't going to be always equal. And their performances wouldn't exactly be the same with each game. If he really was a failure at his last game, then maybe, Garvo Lanete would have outgun the team with his killer three's. But he wasn't able to do so because this Stag I'm talking about was guarding Garvo like his life depended on it.

As I always say, give the guy a break. He played with all that he could. Maybe, it just wasn't meant to be his day that day. You see, there are no coincidences in life. Everything's been pre-planned, sorted out by the big Boss up there. If for that day, the championship wasn't one of His plans for the Stags, we cannot question the Boss up there. They may play with all their hearts and with all their mights, but if the Boss up there says the baskets will be closed for our team, who are we to say it should be opened? For what God has closed, no man can open. If God has already closed the doors on the Stags for a championship this year, who are we to argue against the Boss who holds all of our lives? Every closed door provides an eye-opener for those involved. God will not close a door on you without a purpose. We may not understand it yet, or we are just too stubborn to admit what the purpose is, but someday the purpose will be plainly seen.

There is always one player who gets to be called King each year. Eric Carlo Salamat, in his last year as an Eagle was called King Eagle. Kevin Louie Alas, though not yet in his last year for the Knights was tagged King Knight.

KING STAG. Who deserves the title? Is it Calvin Abueva, this year's season MVP? Or Ronald Pascual, our 3-pointer hero? Or Ian Sangalang who was awarded Defensive Player of the season? The title King Stag in my opinion, should be awarded not to those who scored the most this season but to the one who played the longest, brought home the most number of championships whether for the Juniors division alone or for the Juniors and Seniors division combined. So to you baller number 17, a lot of people may disagree with me because they have such close-minded brains who would only care for the most recent errors and mistakes and game loss, but there is no other player worthy to be called King Stag this year other than you. Thank you for playing for the Golden Stags for 8 wonderful years. Win or lose, you know where your home is - the home of a true champion. And no, you have not turned from hero to zero. You will always be a hero, as long as the records of the NCAA say the Juniors brought home 4 championships in a row from 2005-2008, and that the Seniors brought home the 2009 crown. Stand proud, King Stag ROLAND ANTHONY DEL RIO!


photo source: http://fullcourtfresh.com

I Wished I Wasn't Beautiful

2011-11-12T13:28:00.000-08:00

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today...

-Christina Aguilera, Beautiful

I wished I wasn't beautiful. Yes, I called myself beautiful. I won't show false humility here and say I'm just a pretty girl or I'm not one at all. I said I am beautiful because ever since I was a kid, I know I turn heads. Every time I go to a new school, I always get to be asked my name and if they can court me. I've won 3 school beauty contests as well, the first one when I was in preparatory school. I was crowned Miss Work (W came from CWL, the initials of my school). When I was in grade school, I joined the Miss United Nations contest and I won Miss United Nations International. When I was in high school I won my most prestigious award yet, being crowned Miss San Sebastian. I was just a 3rd year high school student and I went up against college students. I had the crown until 2009, when I was replaced after 5 years of reigning as Miss San Sebastian. While I was at school too, I had a few modelling stints outside, mostly ramp. Even then, I knew I can turn the head of any guy I want.

While others may think of it as a blessing to have a beautiful face, at certain points in my life, I found it a curse. You see, ever since I was a kid, I've been plagued by intrigues and rumors created by girls who are insecure with themselves. I would be tripped on the stairs by some mean girls who wanted me to be humiliated, I would be pushed around in the school cafeteria or worst, they would try to stain my uniform with food and beverages. In college, I remember a girl once said to me, "Susugatan ko yang legs mo eh! (I'll put a mark on your legs!)" just because she hates it that my legs look good.

Once, when Jeremy and I were on our way home, I told him that there were times when I wished I wasn't beautiful. I wished that I was just a plain jane, with none of the talents I have nor the looks and the body that I have. I wanted to be able to blend in with the crowd, with a face that is so plain men won't stare at me all the time. I hate it when men stare. I find it rude. And he was surprised to hear that. There I was, a girl who can get anything she wants if she uses the beauty that she's been given, wishing that I weren't even beautiful at all. So among all of the blogs I've posted, I think this one's got to be the most honest one I've ever written... YET. I really hated it back then whenever some girls who throw me nasty looks as I walk the school grounds. I hated it when they whisper amongst themselves in the school corridors, thinking I cannot hear them. Unfortunately for me, I can hear sound that other people can't. I can hear even the faintest whisper and decipher what is being said. I think the ability to hear like that was given to me because I don't have a pretty good eyesight. I also hated it when girls would try to befriend me just so they can get some perks from me - namely, the names and numbers of the guys who want to date me, or a certain air of popularity they cannot get if they are not my friends. But that popularity I have is somewhat attributed to the fact that my mom is one popular and infamous teacher at the school where I studied. I also hate it when ex-girlfriends of the guys I dated or had a relationship with would try to put me down with her friends telling them she's better than me or worst, that I'm just a slut who took her guy away from her.

And right outside the academe, when I graduated, I wasn't spared the insecurity of some girls. They would always find me too sexy for their taste, too beautiful to like, or too charming to befriend. Some girls in the corporate world tried to ruin my career, and they have tried to ruin my reputation. There's this one girl who, instead of hating me publicly, showed me and others that she likes me so much. She would always compliment my dress, my shoes, my make up and accessories. But when my back's turned, she was spreading nasty rumors to my subordinates. She tried to make herself the hero by telling them that I plan to fire a number of them for the company's sake. In the end, when I couldn't take it anymore, I left that workplace and just decided to pursue my passion - photography, video editing and anything related to media. And since then, I have decided not to enter the corporate world again. Not even with all the offers I get, I still chose to stay away from the corporate world. One of my former employer even offered me my job back, a job I resigned from because it was already too toxic for me.

My question is, when will all of these insecurities end? They won't. Just as long as I'm living in a world east of Eden, there will be a lot of girls who are not secure of who they are who will still be insecure towards me. But I know something they all should know. No living person, no material thing in this world, no amount of money or career achievement can give them the security they need. The only security one can ever have in this world comes from one man. His name is Jesus. And I know my security as a woman comes from him.


photo from Google

The Crown of Creation (A Blueprint Extended edition)

2011-10-30T11:34:00.000-07:00

I must admit, when I heard that Victory Metroeast was having a men's meeting entitled "USAPANG LALAKE", my head thought, "Isn't that unfair? Why do the men get the chance to meet and talk about being men and women were nowhere in the picture?". So when I got to church today and saw that they were extending the BLUEPRINT series, it got me thinking, "What about Men have they not discussed yesterday as they held the Usapang Lalake meeting?" But they proved my thoughts wrong as soon as Pastor Marc Constantino walked up the stage and started to introduce the preacher for today. No, they weren't extending it for the men, but they were extending the series for the WOMEN. Thank God!

So here's the verse that is the heart of the preaching:
Genesis 2:18;20-23
¹⁸ The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
²² Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib^[c] he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
²³ The man said,
   “This is now bone of my bones
   and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
   for she was taken out of man.”

Now here are the things I learned from the preaching:

1. We are created feminine. (Genesis 1:26-27)
-If you are a woman, you are God's idea. You are not a mere chance.
-We don't look to our dysfunctional family or cultural background to find our feminine identity.
-THERE IS NO NEED TO BE INSECURE. (This I think is one of those things that women should know by heart. There is no need to be insecure towards other women. We are created uniquely. We are created beautiful and magnificent.)
-The more feminine we become, the more manly in the Biblical way they become.

2. We are designed to be a SUITABLE HELPER. (Genesis 2:18)-Suitable means perfect fit.
-Wives, there is no suitable wife for your husband other than you. God designed your life and his to compliment and to fit each other.
- Woman is a man's source of strength and support.
-Women, as a wife, you must RESPECT your husbands and SUBMIT to his leadership. HUMBLING YOURSELF AND SUBMITTING IS NOT A SIGN OF WEAKNESS. If you have that mindset, that submitting to men means you are weak, then you are listening to the lies of the enemy right there. We become wiser when we submit to their leadership.
-The men in our lives cannot fulfill the work God has called them to do without our support and respect.
-MEN, DO NOT ALLOW YOUR WIVES TO TAKE CONTROL BY BEING PASSIVE AND IRRESPONSIBLE.
-We must show respect to all the men in our lives.
-WHEN WE RESPECT OUR MEN, THEY ARE EMPOWERED.

3. We are intended to nurture. (Genesis 3:20)
-God gave us the ability to carry inside our wombs a baby, to give birth to it after 9 months and hours of labor because God created us to nurture. Just imagine what the world would be like if all the mothers would raise their kids the right way, in the way that is proper in the Bible. Just imagine what kind of society we would have if all the mothers would nurture the next generation in a good and godly way.
²⁰ Adam named his wife Eve,because she would become the mother of all the living.

and lastly,
WOMEN ARE CREATED IN GOD'S IMAGE TO GLORIFY HIM BY FULFILLING HIS DESIGN IN OUR LIVES.

Now here's an excerpt from the book Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery to a Woman's Soul that will add knowledge to us women:

It is nearing the end of the 6th day, the end of the Creator's great labor, as Adam steps forth, the image of God, the triumph of his work. He alone is pronounced the son of God. Nothing in Creation even comes close. Truly, the masterpiece seems complete. AND YET, the Master says that something is not good, not right. Something is missing... and that something is EVE.

And the Lord God cast a deep sleep on the human, and he slept, and He took one of his ribs and closed over the flesh where it had been, and the Lord God built the rib He had taken from the human into a woman and He brought her to the human. (Gen. 2:21-23 Alter)

She is the crescendo, the final, astonishing work of God. WOMAN. In one last flourish Creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with Eve. She is the Master's finishing touch. Eve is... breathtaking.

Given the way creation unfolds, how it builds to ever higher and higher works of art, can there be any doubt that Eve is the crown of Creation? Not an afterthought. Not a nice addition like an ornament on a tree. She is God's final touch. She fills a place in the world and no one else can fill.

Thus, we are the crown of creation. Sadly most women now seems to have taken for granted their worth as a woman. They SETTLE for JERKS when they should PATIENTLY WAIT for the ONE GOD HAS PREPARED FOR THEM. They let their abusive husbands beat them up like a sack of potatoes or hurl insults at them like they are worthless. Now I URGE you women, take a stand once more as the crown of creation. Do not let your worth be diminished by the world's twisted view of things. You are God's most magnificent creation, made in His image and likeness and given His emotions. Do not let the world abuse you and take way your beauty. You are, after all, the most beautiful creation God has put in the garden.

(credits to the original uploader; source:Google)

<3

Hard Fought Peace

2011-10-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

Peace, by definition, is a state of harmony characterized by the lack of violent conflict. Commonly understood as the absence of hostility, peace also suggests the existence of healthy or newly healed interpersonal or international relationships, prosperity in matters of social or economic welfare, the establishment of equality, and a working political order that serves the true interests of all. In international relations, peacetime is not only the absence of war or conflict, but also the presence of cultural and economic understanding and unity.There is also a sense of tolerance in international relations for the realization of true peace. (Source Wikipedia)

What brought about this blog I am about to write? Read this link.
(http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/video/nation/regions/10/19/11/19-killed-basilan-encounter)

For those who did not find time to read that link, let me just relate to you the content of that link. 19 Filipino soldiers were killed in an encounter in Basilan. 6 of them, if my memory serves me correctly were butchered after they were already down and gunned.

The culprit: MILF says the military.

Who are they anyway?

The MILF or the Moro Islamic Liberation Front is an Islamic group from southern Philippines who was once part of the MNLF or the Moro National Liberation Front. As of today, MILF has been charged with a lot of bombings and killings down south in Mindanao. Most recent is the "ambush" of the special forces of the Army in Basilan which killed 19 soldiers.

What are they fighting for anyway? Let's take a trip down history first for you to understand the situation.
The MNLF was formed because of the Jabidah Massacre. Here's a brief background of what happened with the Jabidah Massacre:
In 1963, the resource-rich island of Sabah, which had been under British control since the late nineteenth-century, formally became part of the Federation of Malaysia. The Philippines, however, protested this, claiming that Sabah had never been sold to foreign interests, and that it had only been leased (padjak) by the Sulu Sultanate and therefore remained the property of the Sultan and by extension the property of Republic of the Philippines. This dispute led the-then Philippine presidents Diosdado Macapagal then later on Ferdinand Marcos to establish special military units tasked with fomenting dissent amongst Sabah's non-Malay ethnic groups, namely the Tausug and Sama, two groups closely aligned ethnically and culturally with the Bangsamoro. The code-name of this destabilization programme was "Operation Merdeka" (Operation Freedom), with Manuel Syquio as project leader and then Maj. Eduardo Abdul Latif Martelino as operations officer. The end-game of this is the annexation of Sabah to the Republic of the Philippines. The plan involved the recruitment of nearly 200 Tausug and Sama Muslims aged 18 to 30 from Sulu and Tawi-Tawi and their training in the island-town of Simunul in Tawi-Tawi. Simunul was where the Arab missionary Makhdum built the first mosque in the Philippines in the 13th century. The recruits felt giddy about the promise not only of a monthly allowance, but also over the prospect of eventually becoming a member of an elite unit in the Philippine Armed Forces. From August to December 1967, the young recruits underwent training in Simunul. The name of the commando unit: Jabidah. On December 30, 1967, 135 to 180 recruits boarded a Philippine Navy vessel for the island of Corregidor in Luzon for "specialized training." This second phase of the training turned mutinous when the recruits discovered their true mission. It struck the recruits that the plan would mean not only fighting their brother Muslims in Sabah, but also possibly killing their own Tausug and Sama relatives living there. Additionally, the recruits had already begun to feel disgruntled over the non-payment of the promised monthly stipend. The recruits then demanded to be returned home. The sole survivor of the Massacre, Jibin Arula, recounted how the young Moro recruits were taken in batches of twelve to a remote airstrip where they were executed with machine gun by their military handlers. Arula, who was wounded in the left knee, managed to attach himself to driftwood long enough to be rescued by fishermen from the nearby island of Cavite. Though there has never been an official count, the number of dead ranges from 28. As of 1980,some of the axe-bearing military trainers of jabidah were even in the active service, particularly in the 2nd Army (sep), 2nd Infantry Division of the Philippine Army wearing the Jabidah pin. (Google)

Thus, MNLF was born. And in 1981, the MILF separated from the MNLF. This new group was supposedly a more conservative one.

Why am I blogging about this? No, I AM NOT AND WILL NEVER BE AGAINST MUSLIMS. I respect their religion and beliefs even though I was once a Catholic and now I am a born-again Christian. I will never hate or generalize my statements just because they are of a different religion. For I was once, almost, became member of their religion.

Reading the news and seeing them on TV these days brought back memories of the past. Memories I would rather not relieve yet I know that whenever news down south would reach me, I would still be concerned. Not for the man I once gave my heart and soul to, but for his people. Yes, you read that right. I fell in love once, a long long time ago, with a Muslim prince. (But for the sake of the promise I gave him, I will never mention his name on any blog or online post I make.) But more than the love I felt for him, I fell in love with his people. Not because of their religion and traditions but because my heart yearns to bring them one thing that all of them yearn for - PEACE. The war and the conflict down there has long been in their lives, starting from the Moro Wars that started in the time of the Spaniards until today, when Noynoy Aquino, the second Aquino to hold office, is stating that he will not give the go signal for an all out war.

Peace, they say, is not the absence of war. It is a state of harmony characterized by the lack of violent conflict. And peace is something that is lacking down south. Among many other things. They lack good education, a good health system, proper housing and a whole lot more of societal problems that every new set of government officials failed to address.

When God gave me the word that He is sending me to the nations and someone confirmed my visions of where He is preparing me to be sent, all I could say was, "Oh God, surely you have prepared me for this long time ago. You really made the bad things to turn into good because you have prepared my heart for this mission long before I walked in Your light." Guess where He is sending me? Yes, I am being sent to the race that will always have something against my belief. The land of hijabs and mosques. I have totally forgotten about this mission I received until recently, when the news showed the bodies of the soldiers being carried into a truck, to be taken to the hospital or the morgue. My heart cried. Not only for the soldiers, but for the people who are caught in the middle of all these. The women, elderly and children and the innocent ones who are caught in the middle of all these conflicts in Mindanao. Where's the peace? Where is the product of the so-called peace talks? I want to know. I sacrificed the love I felt for one man just so he can reach for his dreams for his people - a safe and conflict-free environment, wherein there is the presence of peace. Now that part of me is asking, where is the peace? What are we doing to bring forth peace? Please let me know. It may be a far-fetched dream for a lot of you but I know, someday, down south, there will be PEACE. Hard fought it may be, not be guns and ammunitions, but by prayers, Providence, and the desire to bring forth peace but PEACE WILL FLOURISH.

Women and Girls Should Know Their Worth.

2011-10-14T10:46:00.000-07:00

(Photo from Google)

On the way home tonight (Friday around 11:30PM) while I was riding the bus, I was unfortunately seated in front of a guy who talks so loud on his mobile phone. It was getting on my nerves already because it was so loud plus the fact that he was on a public vehicle yet he was chatting with someone over the phone. No, it wasn't your usual "Yeah I'm on my way home." call. It was a personal conversation between him and a girl (based on the one-sided conversation plus the slightest sound of a girl's voice that I heard). Here's a few snippets of their conversation:

Guy: "Kasasakay ko lang ng bus." (I just got into the bus.)
Girl: ... (couldn't decipher what she was saying so I'll just put ellipses on her parts)
Guy: "Eh wala na kong load eh. Paloadan mo ko." (My phone doesnt have prepaid credits left. Load me up.)
Girl: ...
Guy: "Susunduin??! Eh malayo pa nga ako jan. Pumunta ka na lang samin tapos dun na lang tayo bumili ng ice cream." (Fetch you from your house??! It's far from where I am. Just go to my place, let's just buy ice cream there.)
Girl: ...
Guy: "Eh wala na nga akong load. Loadan mo nga ako." (I dont have prepaid credits anymore. Load me up.)
Girl: ...
Guy: "Bumili ng bag tsaka tsinelas." (Bought a bag and flipflops.)
Girl: ...
Guy: "O sige na sige na pumunta ka na sa amin. Tsaka loadan mo na ko." (Okay okay go to my place. And dont forget my prepaid credits.)
--End of conversation--
P.S. I'm pretty sure the whole bus heard that.

So, the call got ended huh? Thank God I said. But wait!!!! His phone rang again. Now this time it got interesting. Here's how their conversation went:

Guy: "Hindi pa nga umaandar yung bus. Nagpupuno pa." (The bus has not moved yet. They're still waiting for passengers to fill it up.)
Girl: ...
Guy: "TANGA! Malayo pa nga ako!" (STUPID! I'm still far.)
Girl: ...
Guy: "San ka ba manggagaling?" (Where are you coming from?)
(they discussed the way to his house from where the girl was and I got lost with his directions knowing I know the places they were talking so I wont mention it here. and so for the continuation...)
Guy: LECHE! (P.P.S. in spanish Leche means milk but in Filipino it's something foul.)
Girl: ...
Guy: "Sinabi ngang pumunta ka na lang sa min pauwi na ko." (Told you just go to my place, I'm on my way home already.)
Girl: ...
Guy: Oy yung load ko! (Don't forget my prepaid credits.)
--End of conversation--

In their earlier conversation, I was just annoyed because it was TOO loud. On their second phone call, my annoyance turned into DISGUST and ANGER. Anger that is not in a rage kind of way. Why? Let me repeat the words that turned my annoyance to disgust and anger.

(1ST) Guy: "TANGA! Malayo pa nga ako!" (STUPID! I'm still far.)
(2ND) Guy: LECHE!
(3RD) Guy: "Sinabi ngang pumunta ka na lang sa min pauwi na ko." (Told you just go to my place, I'm on my way home already.)

I wouldn't have minded had it been a buddy of his that he was talking to. A guy buddy for that matter. They can be foul-mouthed for all I care. What pissed me off is the fact that HE WAS TALKING TO A GIRL. But what enraged me more is the fact that the girl just seems to take it all in. She even agreed to go to his house.

I can still the remember the last time (I think it was the only time) that someone said curse words and foul words towards me. Oh and yeah he is a guy who got hurt because I chose another guy over him. He sent those words to me via text messaging and boy! my anger hit the two hundred percent mark. I wanted to go to where he was at that time and just punch the hell out of him. Thank God i did not pick him right? Now going back to this guy and girl talking. For all I care right? He's not my friend nor acquaintance and so is the girl. They are totally strangers to me and yes I shouldn't bother with their affairs. But let me give my 2 cents on that certain topic both for BOYS and GUYS and for GIRLS.

BOYS and GUYS:
Wondered why I used 2 nouns for you? Because there are 3 types of male on this world- one is a BOY who acts like a child when he is no longer one, another is a GUY who thinks he is man enough yet he still crosses the line between MANHOOD and being just a boy, and my favorite type of male, the MAN who knows how to be a man in the real sense of it and respects everyone most especially women and the elderly. So for you BOYS and GUYS, let me give you a piece of my mind. NEVER EVER TALK TO A GIRL LIKE THAT. NEVER EVER CURSE AT HER. NEVER CALL HER STUPID, MORON, ILLITERATE, DUMB OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT IS IN THE DICTIONARY THAT YOU WANT TO CALL HER TO SIMPLY IMPLY THAT SHE HAS NO BRAINS OR COMMON SENSE. AND NEVER EVER LET HER TRAVEL LATE AT NIGHT FROM HER PLACE TO YOUR PLACE WITHOUT YOU PICKING HER UP FROM HER PLACE IF THERE IS REALLY A NEED TO SEE HER.

GIRLS:
Instead of using the noun WOMAN, I opted to use the noun GIRLS. Sadly, a lot from the female population does not know their real worth. So for these girls, here's a piece of my mind. NEVER EVER LET A BOY TRASH TALK YOU. NEVER EVER LET HIM CURSE YOU OR CALL YOU STUPID, MORON, ILLITERATE, DUMB OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT IS IN HIS DICTIONARY THAT HE WANTS TO CALL YOU TO SIMPLY IMPLY THAT YOU HAVE NO BRAINS OR COMMON SENSE. YOU ARE NOT THAT. YOU HAVE BRAINS AND YOU HAVE COMMON SENSE. NEVER EVER LET HIM HIT YOU TOO. AND PLEASE, LET THE GUY PICK YOU UP WHEREVER YOU ARE AT NIGHT BECAUSE THE WORLD IS NOT SAFE ANYMORE. AND NEVER GO TO HIS PLACE AT NIGHT WHEN YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS TO BE THERE. IF YOU REALLY NEED TO TALK, LET HIM COME TO WHERE YOU ARE.

KNOW YOUR WORTH.
:D

No Other Woman

2011-10-05T07:37:00.000-07:00

here's my reaction to latest Tagalog movie that people are talking about. Starring Derek Ramsey, Christine Reyes and Anne Curtis, the movie is entitled No Other Woman. (P.S. There's a 1933 movie of the same title with the same lesson: Success does not bring Happiness.)

"No Other Woman" is a story about an extramarital affair and stars Anne Curtis, Cristine Reyes and Derek Ramsay. Curtis plays the role of Kara Zalderiaga, a beautiful socialite. Although she has many boyfriends, she is emotionally detached to love while Ramsay plays the role of Ram Escaler, a dedicated husband to Reyes' character Charmaine Escaler. (Yahoo.com)

Since I think most of you have seen the movie, I wont discuss much of it. What I'll be blogging is my take on a few things, most especially the lines of the film. Here goes my 2 cents about the movie.

KARA (Anne Curtis)
She portrays THE other woman. Beautiful, rich, schooled in New York, liberated. She doesnt believe in love... Until she met Ram who is unfortunately married. Here are a few of her lines and my take on them.

“You will only be called a mistress when there’s an emotional attachment. I’m not a mistress."
*It does not matter whether or not there is an emotional attachment. The mere fact that something is happening between her and a married man is already considered cheating and she is already considered a mistress.

“You can call me whatever you want,SNAKE, BITCH or OTHER WOMAN, but I promise you,
I will never be a PATHETIC and BORING housewife."
*She called Christine's character a pathetic and boring wife. I might say yes Christine was somewhat boring as a wife because she's a plain housewife who's only got stitching and yoga as her hobby. She dresses plainly and dresses up in the same way everyday. In a way, Christine forgot to cultivate the moment she got married. Being married does not give any woman the license to dress sloppily and to be plain and boring. It is not for the husband that the wife should dress up, but it should be for her own confidence. Men would love to see their wives dress up and be all made up once in a while.

“Paano mo naman malalaman na masarap pala pag di mo titikman?
Kahit alam mong bawal, labanan mo cos’ eventually your body will just get used to it."
* We dont have to try everything to know what's right and what's not. The bible has a set of commands we should follow because the One who created those commandments know better than us. And one of those commandments is "Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife." and in this case, thy neighbor's husband.

CHARMAINE (Christine Reyes)
She is the wife of the lead guy. She came from a nouvo riche family. Plain Jane.

“Ayoko na! Ayoko na! Alam ko naman eh, ang sakit lang, ang sakit sakit lang
nung marinig ko. Hindi ko dapat ginagawa to pero ginagawa ko to dahil mahal na mahal kita!

*She was trying to be all dolled up and sexy and pretty because she was trying to compete with Kara. What's wrong with this is that she was doing it for another person, not for herself. A woman should beautify herself not for her husband or for any other human but for herself. Fixing up one's physical appearance would help boost a woman's confidence in herself thus she would not feel insecure and inadequate.

Here is another character's line:

“Ang mundo ay isang malaking Quiapo, maraming snatcher, maagawan ka, lumaban ka!"

*It's true. There are a lot of women out there who would do everything to get something that is already taken. Someone who is already committed. And vice versa. There are a lot of men out there who would do everything to get something they can't have.

As a whole, here's something that you guys should ponder on. MARRIAGES NOT FULLY SURRENDERED TO GOD IS REALLY BOUND TO FAIL. TEMPTATIONS AND PROBLEMS WILL REALLY EAT UP THE FOUNDATION IF THE FOUNDATION IS NOT GOD. A HUSBAND WHO IS A MAN WHOSE HEART IS FULLY SURRENDERED TO GOD WILL NOT CHEAT ON HIS WIFE BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT HIS WIFE IS A GIFT FROM GOD AND THAT HE WAS GIVEN THE COMMAND TO LOVE HIS WIFE AS CHRIST LOVES HIS CHURCH. AND THAT WAS AN UNCONDITIONAL, GENEROUS AND FAITHFUL LOVE.

28 things I learned from Jeremy

2011-09-26T11:05:00.000-07:00

He was born Paul Jeremy Sauza De Vela Ocampo Cruz on September 22, 1983, a Thursday. Now 28 years after, he is with me and soon to be my husband. Here are 28 things I learned from him for the past 9 months (almost!) we've been together.

1. LORDSHIP. A relationship that is not centered on God and is not under His Lordship is bound to fail. Ours almost did but thanks to the grace of God it did not. God's promise that "What I have opened, no man can close." still stands.

2. DISCIPLESHIP. His relationship with his mentor, Jam Capistrano, never fails to amaze me. They've gone from mere disciple and discipler to brothers. Their relationship inspires me to disciple girls in the same way that they do it. Relational.

3. I AM FRAGILE. I have always thought I am strong, stubborn and independent. Until he came. He taught me how fragile I can be and that I need someone to be there to protect me. He taught me that God designed it that way not for me to rely on Jeremy but for me to rely to God.

4. I DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING. With an Intel i7 of a brain, I've always thought I knew everything. But he taught me that I did not. Yes, I know a lot, but the fact remains that I don't know everything. Hard it is to say, but I'll admit there are things that I dont know of that he knows better than I do.

5. IT IS NOT ONLY WOMEN WHO HAS INTUITION. MEN HAS THAT TOO. Well, I hate it when he's right. Most especially if it's about the men in my life. I used to argue with him when he tells me that a certain friend of mine has feelings for me, only to eat up what I said when the time comes that that guy tells me he likes me.

6. TAMING THE TONGUE. I can really say nasty words whenever I get pissed off or mad. And when I have uttered those words, he gets hurt. Thanks to God's grace and to Jeremy for rebuking me with love, I've been better at holding my tongue.

7. MANIPULATIVE ME. Oh yes you read that right. I am manipulative. Or I tend to be one. That's what he made me realized that day he almost left. Almost. Among all the guys I've been with, no one really bothered enough to tell me what's wrong with me and I almost made a mess of our relationship because I did not know I had those things with me. Most of these guys are either too weak for me or they are a better manipulator than me. Again, thanks to God's grace and Jeremy's love for me, I've been more conscious of my words and actions so that I won't be manipulative towards him again.

8. RESPECT. Respect is the number one need of men. For women it's love. When men feels disrespected, they unconsciously make us feel unloved. Then the cycle goes on and on.

9. HEALING STARTS WITH GOING TO THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM. We cannot solve our problems by just patching up the wound every time we fight. We must tackle it from the root cause.

10. SPENDING TIME WITH GOD IS ESSENTIAL. He noticed that everytime I don't spend time reading the Word and talking to God, my temper just goes off so easily. Since then, I've made it a point to spend time with God even if I am already too tired to do so before I sleep.

11. PRAYER REALLY DOES MAKE MIRACLES. He made it a point to pray for me everyday in the morning when he knows I'm still asleep so that my day would be spared from hurtful words and waking up to the kind of noise I hate so much. Thank God, every time he prays for me, not a single hurtful word comes my way for that day.

12. HE'S A BETTER PHOTOGRAPHER THAN ME, BUT HE SAYS I'M BETTER WITH CREATIVE SHOTS. Okay okay I admit, he is far better in photography than me. He knows the technical terms while I shoot using my feelings. And mind you, I learned some techniques from him! :D

13. WORSHIPING AND PERFORMING SHOULDN'T BE DONE AT THE SAME TIME ON A CHURCH SERVICE. Sad to say, there are a lot of young musicians who volunteer for the music team who doesnt know the difference of worshiping and performing on stage a worship service. They play all the grooves they know, all the guitar riffs they know, use all the effects they have on their guitars just so they'll be called good but they dont realize that they dont play for themselves. they play for God. it's not about them, it's all about God. "mga Kuya, wala kayo sa gig para magpasikat. Nasa stage kayo to lead God's people into worship."

14. GALUNGGONG IS EDIBLE. I don't eat galunggong, haven't really eaten that in my entire life until he came! He taught me that I'll not die and I'll survive if I eat galunggong. And my verdict of it is, well okay. :D

15. WE SHOULD NEVER STOP BELIEVING FOR THE SALVATION OF OUR FAMILY. He prayed for his dad's salvation and one day, his dad just genuinely accepted Christ as His Lord and Savior.

16. WE SHOULD BE CAREFUL WITH OUR ONLINE POSTS. After all that fiasco with the ex, we were both mindful now of what we post on Facebook. Even if it doesnt have anything to do with the ex, we try hard not to post it or atleast phrase it in a way that the ex would not think that it is for her.

17. HE MAY HATE MY PAST BUT HE WILL NEVER HATE ME. That's what he made me feel when I told him everything he should know about me and about my past. He hated the things I did but he never made me feel like he hated me. More so, he made me feel that he loves me more because I told him all about it.

18. I SHOULDN'T GET MAD AT HIM FOR THE THINGS OTHERS DO FOR HIM OR TO HIM. For example, an ex of him does something and it really offended me. He made me realize that I should not take it against him because he cannot control the actions of that person. The next time it happened, I had a hard time controlling my tongue yet by God's grace I was able not to make him feel like I was mad at him or something. Yes I was mad at the ex but not towards him.

19. HE WILL ALWAYS STAY. Everytime doubt enters my heart, he would always make me feel like he's meant to stay and that will never change. He made me realize that he is not like the guys in my past. He chose to stay and he always will.

20. I CAN GET ANYWHERE WITHOUT TAKING A CAB. I've always thought that the only way to Eastwood, Robinsons Metroeast or to their house in Vista Verde from Robinsons Galleria is by taking a cab. He taught me otherwise. Now I know how to commute from those places to anywhere without difficulty.

21. KEEPING SECRETS IS NOT GOOD. We both learned that the hard way. He was keeping something from me about his ex and the talk they had after they broke up a long time ago. I was keeping something from him about my friend JC. But even before we admitted to each other those things, we were both having feelings that the other one is keeping something. And when I already told him about JC, he got so mad he wasnt able to keep his tongue. Since then i promised myself I will tell him everything that is happening even if I knw he'll just get mad.

22. THERE IS ALWAYS TWO SIDES OF A STORY. OR MAYBE 3. My story, his story, and the truth. And somewhere along the way, each version becomes a mess.

23. OVERLOOK. OVERSEE. OVERWHELM. If it's just a petty thing, overlook. If it's not worth fighting over, don't.

24. I SHOULD WEAR VANS OR SNEAKERS AGAIN. It's been a while since the last time I've worn sneakers because most of the guys I've been with before prefer girls who are girly girly and prim and proper wearing all that heels and girly tops. Dont get me wrong, I love dressing up and wearing heels. It's just that sometimes, I crave for the comfort of a sneakers. And mind you, he prefers seeing me with my vans rather than with my heels. Oh what a relief! :D

25. I CAN BE A KID. I cant remember the last time I've loosen up before I met him. I've always been Miss-Prim-and-Proper-won't-be-caught-goofing-around-in-public. But he changed that. I found myself making faces in photos, making weird dances while seated in public transportation, or just plainly act like a kid. I even gave in to the desire to have a piggy-back ride in public! :D

26. MY SATISFACTION AND CONTENTMENT WILL NEVER RELY ON HIM. Only GOD can fill me up and content me.

27. WHOLEHEARTED LOVE. He taught me how to love wholeheartedly. And I am glad that I have never loved anyone as much as I love him. He will be my last, and the one I will love the most.

28. THIS TIME THIS IS FOR REAL. HE LOVES ME MORE THAN HE EVER LOVED ANYONE AND HE WILL NOT LOVE ANY ONE AS MUCH AS HE LOVES ME. Mind you, there are times I doubt that. But whenever I look back at the way our lives have turned out, I know in my heart that when he said that, it is true. And it is for real this time. A lot of guys may have said those words to me before but he made me realize that this time, a guy meant it and he's the only one who was meant to stay.

Belated Happy Birthday to my dearest God's best! I love you much! I pray that you will continue to grow to be the man God wants you to be - a man always after His heart!

P.S. I was only able to blog about this today because we had a busy time last week celebrating his birthday.

Coming Home...

2011-08-16T09:58:00.000-07:00

I was away from church for almost a month thanks to my mom's operation. I needed to stay with her and to take care of her but I miss my church family so much. I miss attending services, activities and Victory groups. And so today, TUESDAY, I decided to attend the midweek service at church because my mom can somehow manage to move around the house on her own. While I was on the jeep going to the bus station, I decided to put my iPod on and it played More than Amazing by Lincoln Brewster. Halfway thru the song, I felt tears forming on my eyes so I sent Jeremy a text message saying, "Miss lang ba talaga ko ni God o miss ko lang talaga Siya kaya ako umiiyak?" ("Does God really just miss me or do I just miss Him that's why I'm crying?") He replied, "Both babe. He misses you a lot. :)" which made my eyes more wet.

When I was already near Ortigas, when my eyes can finally see the tall buildings that can be seen from afar, my eyes began to get watery again. It felt like I worked abroad and I am now traveling home. I told myself, "I'm home!" It was a different feeling altogether. I was having mixed emotions like happiness that I'm finally able to attend church and go see my spiritual family but I was also anxious to go because I kept asking myself, "What if nobody missed me?" to which I picture getting a disapproving look from God. The moment I got off from the shuttle service I was in, I was half-running, half-walking as I made my way to Galleria. When I finally saw the entrance, I got so emotional I almost let the tears run down my cheeks. Literally. I was that happy and excited.

When I got inside, I went straight to my favorite ice cream kiosk to buy a popsicle for the pregnant wife of Kuya Mike Manahan, the ever beautiful and kind Ate Marielle. She was craving for it and I decided to surprise her with one. I went to her office and gave her the popsicle. Gave one to Kuya Mike as well for he was the one who told me about the popsicle craving of his wife. When we left the office, they invited me and Jeremy to dinner and we had dinner at Rai Rai Ken because the preggy wife is craving for noodles. So there we were, having dinner and having a wonderful conversation about us, relationships, and of course, God. I feel so blessed to have spent that time with them. They are such a sweet and nice couple and Jeremy and I just felt so blessed to learn things about marriage from them. When it was time to attend the service, Jeremy and I were a bit sad because we were enjoying the fellowship we didn't want to leave just yet. But hey, first things first right? So we went to the center and lo and behold, one of my favorite worship leaders was leading worship. Kuya Jam. When he started playing the song TODAY IS THE DAY, the tears I was holding in since the moment I was in the jeepney just started to pour out. I couldnt contain them anymore. Tears of joy were running down my cheeks. I was having a blast praising God that I just couldnt contain the tears anymore. Yes, today was the day He welcomed me back in His home. Next song was BEAUTIFUL LORD, a song that's on a print out I always put on my work desk when I was still working for the corporate world. When I was singing that song on my own little corner of the center, I felt a warm feeling envelope me and heard the most wonderful words I have heard these days. "Welcome home, My daughter, My princess." Oh yes, the King of Kings welcomed me back in His home. I know He missed me. I missed Him too. So much. When I heard those words, I just broke down. I pictured myself as the prodigal daughter running towards the father who is waiting with arms wide open. That is how loving God is. I didnt deserve all the blessings He gave me and He even went so much as to give me His one and only Son to pay for my sins on the cross. He just loves the lost so much that He would go out of His way just to sacrifice His only begotten Son on that cross on calvary just for us to be able to get closer to Him so He can show us His love and mercy.

"Welcome home, My daughter, My princess." Oh yes God, I'm home! I'm back. And I hope I wont be far away from Your home and family for such a long time again. Thank You so much for the wonderful things You have given me. Also for the prunings, and the bad things that was thrown my way. They made me realize how powerful You are, how merciful You are, and how loving You are.

You are AMAZING. More than AMAZING. :D

(photo from google)

<3

an email to my baby months ago

2011-07-27T22:08:00.001-07:00

Just posting an email I sent to my baby months ago... :D

hi baby!

i know you are hard at work right now and there seems to be so much to do there. but let me steal a moment of your time so you can read this email. dont be nervous im not going to break up with you. not via email atleast. joke! im never breaking up with you. :D

you remember you would ask yourself why you are so sensitive towards me about a lot of things? i think i kinda know why. you see, i was in your position so many times before. i've been the sensitive one, the needy one, the clingy one in those relationships where i didnt really feel loved as much as i hoped for. those times i prayed to God that i want the time to come that someone would be sensitive to my needs and wants, that someone who would be needy towards me, someone that would be clingy to me. lo and behold, i got you. you do to me the things i used to do to those who didnt really made an effort to make me feel loved inspite of me giving my all. yes, i got an answered prayer and that's you. but most of the time, i feel like im being unfair to you. i wanted someone so much that would do to me as i used to do to others that i tend to forget that you deserve my all more than anyone of them. i was too lost in the notion that i needed to feel the things i have not felt that i couldnt open my eyes to the posibility of me doing those things again. i felt like im doing things on a minimal level, scared that if i will go on a full throttle, i might crash and burn. unfair aint i? i just want to say sorry that it took me all these months to realize this. forgive me for not giving as much as you want. but it did not mean i loved you less than any one of them. its just that the efforts were lacking.

it also dawned on me these past few days why i would always get mad whenever you would try to control me and change me. its not that you really did it. its just that most times, it felt like you were doing so. you wanted me to lessen this and that, to be more like this and that. i never wanted to be controlled because it never really dawned on me what it truly means to love someone and be loved as much in return. you know that most of those guys did not really love me as much as you do so most of them did not really care enough to put me in my right position and to tell me when im already being a pain in the ass. but you do, and most of the time, i tend to look at it as a nagging need to change me. forgive me for feeling those things? please do. it was only this week that i felt like changing for you is not a burden but a delight. it started when i went to the fort, met with gelo and did not even bother to give him a bear hug like we used to do. it surprised me yes, not only because i did not hear any reminder from you not to be too touchy when you know that il be meeting up with a good guy friend, but also because it felt like something i voluntarily did.

i hope in time i get to be what i really should be for you, without feeling pressured to do so. i hope i get to be able to take care of our relationship pretty well so that someday, when our ghosts and skeletons in the closet came running after us, we wouldnt give up the relationship we built not only for us but for the sake of our kids.

i love you so much... much more than life itself. you taught me how to really love, and you made me feel loved in its fullest extent. i love you, i know you know this already but i will never get tired of saying that to you. you are my God's best, my soulmate, my bestfriend, my husband to be, my answered prayer, my love.

sige na go back to work na. :D

Going Back to January...

2011-07-20T09:59:00.000-07:00

Ever since I became a Christian, I've always looked forward to January because I'm so excited for the annual Prayer and Fasting at church. Last year, I had a very wonderful time seeking God and hearing from Him answers to my prayers. And last year, He answered all my prayer goals. This year, I was so excited to seek Him. Until...

I got a call from someone. He told me that the baby I was helping, the one I was raising funds for, died already. That time I got the information, I went numb. I was shocked. Speechless. How can the baby die if the group I left was able to raise half the amount needed? I tried to answer the questions on my mind but there are no answers I can think of. All I can think of was I was a failure as a leader. I led the team to raise funds yet when we were nearing the project's end, I dropped out of it. I was already losing faith that we were able to get the amount needed and the head of the mission team told me we need to hustle up. If there's a need not to sleep just so we can finish it, we should he said. But I know I cannot do that. At that time, I recently resigned from a workplace that I consider an extension of hell on earth, and my finances arent really that good. I would go to our every week activity with only 200 pesos in my pocket. 150 pesos from that amount is how much my fare is from home to the place then back home. So that left me with just 50 pesos for food. Those times, I experienced eating at odd places in Makati just so I can budget my remaining money. When I couldnt take it all anymore, I sat down one day and just talked (ranted) and prayed to God. I cant remember the exact Bible verse He gave me but he told me to stop and trust His power. So I decided to stop, drop out from the project and just do the best I can do at that time - intercede for the baby and the project. People told me back then that the general rule in saving other people is to save yourself first. You cannot help others if you are in danger. And at that time, I know my health and my pocket is already at risk.

When I found out that the baby died, I couldnt help but blame myself. Had I not drop out the mission, he would have been able to go to Taiwan to have his operation. We would have sent him there complete with all the funds they need. And the cranes we made for him would have been waiting for him when he gets home. But the cranes would no longer wait for someone. The little angel that was my reason to wake up every everyday from July to October is no longer on earth.

I BLAMED MYSELF. And I QUESTIONED GOD. And up to now, I still dont know why the baby died. I still dont know if it was really God who told me to stop and drop the mission because He wants me to focus on Him because I've been neglecting quiet times with Him those days that I would be focused on the fundraising. Or was it just my inner self telling me that I was already burnt out from the mission, Ian's constant nagging about me not doing enough, and my depressing lack of finances that time.

Six months after, tonight, a good friend of mine crossed my mind and I had the urge to check his facebook wall. He helped with the fundraising by the way. He was always there every week to play the piano for the guests. When I saw his wall, I found out that he died already last January. That fact told me that I lost two people close to me that month. After finding out that he died, the baby crossed my mind and I searched for his mom's name on facebook. That's when I came across an article about her and the baby. http://globalbalita.com/2011/why-did-pcso-let-11-month-old-boy-die-by-refusing-to-give-the-pledge-for-liver-transplant/

The article answered my questions about the baby's death. But still a part of me thinks I have not done enough for him and for his mother. And the feelings I felt that day that I found out that the baby's dead came back creeping inside me, my heart breaking for the mom and for the little angel who was not able to see how life can be so good. Do I still question God? I dont know. Maybe I still do. But there are things about God that I will never really understand and that He will never really make sense at all times but all I can do now is to wait for my turn to get to heaven and ask Him, "God, why did you take Raphael away from his mom?"

To baby Raphael, I'm sorry for leaving the mission so abruptly. I wasnt even able to say goodbye. I'll see you when I get to heaven okay? I know right now, you're looking after your mom as her new angel. Again, I'm sorry I wasnt able to get you to Taiwan for your operation. I'm really sorry.

The Cinderella Complex

2011-07-20T00:41:00.000-07:00

(because of the most recent controversy involving my blogs, let me just say this again and again, my blogs are not about a certain person. my blogs are a mirror of my everyday dealing with different people. Girls who are in the wrong relationships, girls who cant move on, girls who cannot let go of relationships that should have been let go. There are a whole lot of other girls in my web of life and my blogs shouldnt be focused on one alone. Given that I have blogged about her once to stop the rumors involving the 2 of us, the most controversial one I should say, it shouldnt mean that everything is always about her after that. just a disclaimer for everyone. oh and for that, i dont think I deserve to be called a JERK by one of her friends. besides, JERK is a term for men, not for women.)

Late 2008, while I was on the phone with comedian Tado Jimenez, he mentioned the term Cinderella Complex. Upon Google-ing information about the term Cinderella Complex, I decided to have that for my college thesis. I was a Mass Communication student and at first my professors were doubtful of how I will include a psychological term on a thesis for Mass Communication. But we pulled it off (I've got 2 teammates, Sunshine and Erika). The title of our thesis was, The Effects of Television Programs on the Cinderella Complex of Women ages 17-21.

Now years after I have read the book by Colette Dowling, researching about the said complex, making surveys and writing the conclusion based on every document that we found, here I am writing about the Cinderella Complex again. This time, to retract my thoughts about the thesis basing my thoughts this time from the Bible.

The Cinderella Complex - The Cinderella complex was first described by Colette Dowling, who wrote a book on women's fear of independence, as an unconscious desire to be taken care of by others, based primarily on a fear of being independent. The complex is said to become more apparent as a person grows older.

Colette Dowling attempts to define women as being motivated by an unconscious desire to be taken care of as a fear of independence termed "Cinderella complex". An important aspect of the work can be defined as identifying an aspect of a larger phenomenon as to why women choose to stay in dysfunctional relationships.

This phenomenon can be defined as a syndrome characterized by a series of specific motivations or causes. Dowling identifies only one motivation, while the syndrome is in fact a combination of many motivations, which are in themselves characteristics that make up a complex.

The term syndrome has been largely used to define conditions apparent in medicine. However, in recent decades the term has been used outside of medicine to refer to a combination of phenomena seen in association.

I would want to share my conversations via email with the author herself Colette Dowling but I have lost accessed with my email account because the thief who stole my iPod Touch changed my password and I have not gained access to it anymore. In that thread of email, she explained further the complex that she authored. So despite of my want to give you her side of the spectrum, you're stuck with information straight from the internet, and not from the author herself.

Before we go to the main topic which is the complex itself, let us find out first about the character from whom the complex was named after. Who is she?

Cinderella. She is from a folk tale embodying a myth-element of unjust oppression/triumphant reward. Thousands of variants are known throughout the world. The title character is a young woman living in unfortunate circumstances that are suddenly changed to remarkable fortune. The word "Cinderella" has, by analogy, come to mean one whose attributes are unrecognized, or one who unexpectedly achieves recognition or success after a period of obscurity and neglect.

There are many versions of Cinderella, or should I say, Cinderella was derived from different stories around the globe but only 3 are popular versions of it. Cenerentola, Cinderella and Aschenputtel. The most popular is Charles Perrault's version which is the one adapted by Disney for their Cinderella movie.

Now that we have defined the complex and the main character, let's discuss the complex.

The Cinderella complex can be simplified as the FEAR OF INDEPENDENCE. Psychology says women have the strong NEED to be SAVED. We women have always been tagged as DAMSELS in DISTRESS and that we need a KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR to come and save us. This need goes two ways. For some women, they tend to be so needy, so clingy, so emotional, and so fragile. But for some women, they would opt for the other side of the spectrum. They would tend to be too strong, too stiff, too caught up in work that they have no time to socialize, too legalistic about things, and simply too much to handle for the people around them. But do not be fooled by these women says Dowling. They are not really who they are. On the inside, they are trying to hide their need to be taken care of, the fear to be independent.

On my thesis, based on the surveys, the TV programs (telenobelas to be exact, the likes of Pangako Sa'yo, Marimar, Mula Sa Puso etc.) are nurturing the need of women for a savior. For someone to come and carry them off to paradise so that they wont have to face their problems anymore. Most of our respondents are wishing for an Angelo Buenavista(Pangako Sayo lead role portrayed by Jericho Rosales) to come in a red car, sweep them off their feet and fight for his love for them. Or for a Fernando Jose to get them out of their misery and marry them. Most of our respondents are wishing for a fairy tale romance. One wherein they would be saved.

What was sad about the result of that survey is that most young women, those studying in the University Belt area, would rather stick in dysfunctional and abusive relationships just because they are hoping that these men will be able to someday save them.

When we were done with the thesis, I have concluded that TV shows have really nurtured that need and women who feed off from these TV shows are really not helping themselves and their Cinderella complex. Back then, I was for the eradication of the complex. I did not want women suffering from this complex because for me, women should never be fearful of being independent, of being free and that they should never count on someone to save them.

But guess what, a year after I have closed the book on Cinderella complex, my hands found another book and my eyes could not stop from reading the words on that book. It is entitled Captivating, Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's soul. (I have blogged about it before you can check my blog Are You Beautiful? for further details.) I found out that the so-called Cinderella complex that Dowling wrote about is rooted deep within ever woman's heart not because it should be a weakness but because the need to be saved is part of a something greater.

A woman's heart is a portion of God's. In it, He placed a part of Himself while a part of Himself, he also put into man. The book Captivating says there is a longing in every woman's heart to be saved, to be rescued. In the book Wild at Heart by the same author, it says that in every man's heart is the need to save and rescue the princess. Both of these needs are from God. The need in a man is a mirror of who God is. He longs to save us, to rescue us and just to take care of us. He loves us that much. The need in a woman's heart is a mirror of another side of God, the one that wants us to search for Him, to seek Him and to be longed for by us.

So am I still for the eradication of the Cinderella complex? No. There is no need to eradicate that need in women. We just have to have our needs filled up by the one true source of everything - God. He placed that need and longing in our hearts so that we will always seek Him, search for Him and love Him all of our days.

Jeremiah 29:13-14
¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.^[a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

MOVE!

2011-07-11T02:14:00.000-07:00

spending the half of my monday at home made me read a lot of blogs by men of God who writes good and sensible blogs about almost anything from God, family, friendships and of course the most popular topic of all time - LOVE. while i was browsing Sean Si's blog page, I chanced upon his blog:

When you Surrender a Relationship… http://h3sean.com/relationship-surrender/

It was a really good read and I was inspired to write my own version of it. So here goes something.

Moving on - not the easiest thing to do because you have invested so much time and effort to make the relationship work. You have invested emotions and that very big word LOVE. Hey, I've had so many failed relationships in the past and MOVING ON is not really alien to me. In fact, moving on and me are the best of friends. Being a born-again Christian did not exempt me from heartbreaks and moving on. In fact, one of the worst heartbreaks I got was when I was already a born-again Christian. Moving on wasnt that easy as well. In fact, it took me a year to really finally move on. And I have just really moved on when I met the one God has created to be my God's best, my partner in life, my soulmate. For others, moving on take years while for others, 3 months can be it. Nonetheless, moving on should be a decision we make for ourselves and not for others.

In his blog, Sean Si said "There are times in our lives when we don’t trust God enough with a certain relationship we’re holding on so tightly to. We think God can never bring it back again. And we think that God isn’t able to write our love story as much as we are able to." I agree to that statement. So here are my take about NOT moving on and STILL holding on.

Holding on means WE DON'T TRUST GOD. When God says, "Let go." and we say "God, will you give him back?", it is our way of telling Him, "God, I dont trust your plans for me. I dont trust in your power to give me the best."

Holding on means DISOBEYING GOD. When God says, "Let go." and we say, "God, NO! He is the one I want to be with. I love him so much.", it is a way of DISOBEYING the God you call LORD.

⁴⁶ “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?"

Holding on does not only hurt us but it also hurts the other party. By holding on, we burden the other party with guilt because he/she hurt us by leaving us.

Holding on does not only hurt us but it also cause problems for the other party's new relationship. If the other person is already in a Godly relationship with the right person, our holding on can only cause trouble in paradise. It doesnt mean that the new partner is not secure of the relationship but who wants to deal with annoying EXs who just wont stop holding on right? I'm pretty sure, when we get the right and Godly relationship that we have prayed to have, we wouldnt want to deal with annoying EXs who are still holding on to our partner. Stop whatever you are doing and put yourself in the other person's shoes. Do we want our partner's EX girlfriend/boyfriend to continue holding on? Do we want our partner's EX to continue bugging the two of you with issues about him/her not being able to move on? Do we want our partner's EX to cling on and struggle with you that she/he should be in your place and that she/he should be the one with your partner because according to her/him, your partner was created for her/him?

So when we are having a hard time moving on and letting go, remember that HOLDING ON TO RELATIONSHIPS THAT HAVE BEEN ENDED BY GOD MEANS:

WE DONT TRUST GOD, WE DISOBEY HIM, AND WE HURT THEIR PRESENT GIRLFRIENDS AND FUTURE SPOUSES.

:)

a letter to my future daughter...

2011-07-03T01:28:00.000-07:00

today is July 3, 2011 and I just had the most hurtful yet refreshing morning. after all these years, i was finally able to say most of the things i wanted to say.

i've been wanting to write an open letter to my future daughter but i never got the chance to sit down and write it down... so here i am, facing the laptop, typing away words that i hope someday, my daughter will be able to appreciate.

To my dearest future daughter Lian Chasity,

Let me start by saying I am sorry. Sorry for all the mistakes I have committed to you and to your dad. I am not the world's most perfect woman nor will I be the best mother in the world. But as you read this letter, I hope I have fulfilled the promise I have made to myself years ago. That you will never be void of a complete family just as I had been. I hope that as you read this letter, your dad and I are still together and still in love as the day God put the two of us together. I'm pretty sure you have heard the story of how God wrote my love story with your dad and I hope that you will always be inspired to wait for that God-written love story that God has prepared to be yours in HIS perfect time. If there is one thing that I never told your dad yet (I'm pretty sure the moment I publish this blog, he'll know), it was one of my prayers to God. When I was asking for my God's best, the one I will marry, aside from the list that I wrote of the traits and characteristics I want in a man, I prayed to God to give me a godly man who will never leave me nor my children. I prayed for someone who will always be patient and understanding if ever I get so nasty, mean or unreasonable just so that there will never come a point in your life where you will blame me that you grew up without a complete family.

Yani, my dearest baby, here I am praying that when you finally decided to get married, you will get married because you are in love and loved and that you wish to start your own family based on the overflowing love that you feel. Not just because you want to escape from home, leave every painful things behind and just escape from us. I hope that as you read this letter, you are not committing the mistakes of the generations before you. I love you my Lian Chasity and I know your daddy loves you too.

Mommy Yani

(Lian is from my name Gillian. Lian means lotus which symbolizes purity. It is also the name of my favorite author Lian Hearn whose full name is Gillian. Chasity is a name that Jeremy got from God. It means chaste and pure.)

(photo from google)

"kung ayaw may dahilan, kung gusto palaging merong paraan"

2011-06-22T07:48:00.000-07:00

tonight, i found myself listening to this memorable song that someone sang to me while he was waiting for his flight to doha for a gig. tonight it was raining so hard, just like the first night we went on a date. or should i say, just like most of our dates.

while i said in one of my older blogs that i wont blog about him anymore, pardon me in doing so. yes, this is another blog wherein i mentioned my goliath. or should i say, it is about the song he sang for me and thoughts about relationships related to the song.

the song is tagalog in language. it's title means sleepyhead. i can still remember it clearly. it was june 9, 2009 and he was in the airport, waiting for the whole band to arrive for their scheduled flight bound for doha. he asked me if he can just sing me the song over the phone, before he leaves. i said yes and indeed, he sang me my favorite part of the song. just to give you an idea, here's the lyrics of the song:

iniwan ka na ng eroplano
okay lang baby wag kang magbago
dito ka lang humimbing sa aking piling
antukin

kukupkupin na lang kita
sorry wala ka ng magagawa
mahalin mo na lang ako ng sobra sobra
para patas naman tayo diba

(chorus)sasalubungin natin ang kinabukasan
ng walang takot at walang pangamba
tadhana'y merong trip na makapangyarihan
kung ayaw may dahilan
kung gusto palaging merong paraan

pinaiyak ka ng manghuhula
hindi na raw tayo magkasamang tatanda
buti na lang merong langit na nagtatanggol sa
pag-ibig na pursigido't matiyaga

(chorus)

long as we stand as one
ano man ang ating makabangga
nothing will ever break us
wala talaga as in wala

(chorus)

kung gusto, hahalikan na lang natin
ang kinabukasan ng buong loob
at yayakapin pa
tadhana'y mejo overrated kung minsan
kung ayaw may dahilan
kung gusto palaging merong paraan
gumawa na lang tayo ng paraan
gumawa na lang tayo ng... (baby)
gumawa na lang tayo ng paraan.

the song caught my ears and attention today because it got me thinking of its lines "kung ayaw may dahilan kung gusto palaging merong paraan". let me relate it to relationships. if the person wants to stay, he will stay right? he will move heaven and hell just to stay with you and he will do everything to make you stay as well. but if the person does not want to stay anymore, we cannot move heaven and hell just to make him stay. he will always have a reason to leave and we cannot contend with those reasons.

but what if, just what if, he wanted to stay but there is a being bigger and greater and mightier than him who wants him to stay... AWAY. what if, him leaving wasnt of his own volition but a command from the One who created him... and you. what if it was God, with all His power, might and love for the two of you, who told him, "Son, leave her alone. Leave her in My hands and trust My plans for both of your lives.". would you get mad at God or would you get mad at him?

i did. i got mad at the guy and i made "tampo" to God. pardon me using the tagalog word, it's just that there is no english word that would really suffice for what i meant to say. but then something dawned on me. i got mad at him and blamed him for leaving me but there is always two sides of the coin. i should be mad at myself also.

when i was feeling resentment towards the person, did i ever stop to think all these would not happen had i asked for God's wisdom and discernment? all would have not happened had i waited for God's promise in my life and for my God's best?
most of the time, we only blame the other party for the heartaches they caused us. we dont even stop to think that we too have a part in all of it. yes, they chose to leave us. but we too have a part in the decision they took. it could be because we were already too much to handle, too emotional, too jealous, too immature. too much. or it could be because, it was never really meant to be and we should have seen that right before we even started having feelings for them.

so yes, i may have felt resentment back then for that guy who left without a word of explanation but i too should have felt resentment towards myself for allowing things to happen without being guided by God.

i can never stress this enough. it is important to wait for that one person God has made for you. aside from us being spared emotional pain, we also spare the other party from making painful decisions in their lives. and we also spare their future spouses the emotional pain of having to deal with ex's who wont and cant move on.

moving on: "kung ayaw may dahilan, kung gusto palaging merong paraan." if we really want to move on, we will. because we want to. when we say im having a hard time moving on, that's because a part of us does not want to. we always have reasons like, "I cant move on because we were together for too long" or "i cant move on because i believe he loved me and he still loves me." REASONS. kung ayaw may dahilan... maraming dahilan.

to you Antukin, i hope you have already found the one. :D

<3 4 <3

in anger and bitterness, turn to God

2011-06-21T23:37:00.000-07:00

i was at home today, waiting for my storyboard to be sent via email when i decided to go open my blogsite and check my stats. while i was checking my stats, i found myself wanting to blog. mind you, i have a blog ready to be uploaded but it feels like it's not yet the one i want to publish.

then i was reminded of how i felt last night. i was angry. blame it on the spirits of anger living in my house or blame it on my heart but the bottomline is, i got angry. i wouldnt go into details and person involved but nonetheless, this is a continuation of a past offense, a new one that adds insult to injury. it seems like as days pass, the person seems to add more insult to injury for me and Jeremy. what hurts the most is that lies were uttered right in my face and more lies where being said to different people that surrounds us. forgiven? yes the person was already forgiven. everyday is a struggle to forgive the person but by God's grace it was possible.

but last night, the anger rose up again. i asked God to show me why anger rises up everytime the person does something to irritate me. and here is what He told me:

1. James 1:2-4
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Since He already made me His daughter and disciple, i must develop my character. I must persever and endure trials and persecution because no disciple lives in a comfortable safe zone. We live in a world east of Eden. but what makes it easier to live in the fallen world is that we know that God's grace is always available for us.

2. God is teaching me to lower some expectations I have. Most people are not like me and that person definitely isnt like me. I dont do things that the person does and these are the things that offends me. And since I dont do those things, I expected most of the time that others wont do it too. But we are all a work in progress and we were created differently.

3. "I am still working in you and I am working in that person's life as well."

God works in everyone's life, tweaking attitudes that need to be tweaked and I tell you there are a lot of things that needs to be tweaked in my life. But I was comforted with the fact that God is tweaking that certain aspect of that person's life as well. He is not yet done teaching that person a lesson. He is teaching that person OBEDIENCE and LISTENING.

"Make sure that when you PRAY, you also know how to LISTEN to God."

4. "Leave VINDICATION to me."
"This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their VINDICATION from ME." declares the Lord. - Isaiah 54:17

I wanted to lash out, to tell that person right smack in the face that I am mad and furious at what was said and what happened but God reminded me that VINDICATION is His and not mine.

5. "What God has opened, no man can close."

Who is the author of my relationship? It's God. So whoever wants to destroy my relationship with Jeremy is answerable to God. Whoever says things against us will be refuted by God for He is the one who wrote our love story. I dont need to refute any tongue who accuses us of things because God will do it for me. According to Jeremy, "ang bumangga, giba!".

what struck me the most from my talk with God was this, "When we pray, we must also listen." Yes, God hears us and He wants to answer every prayer that we have. But do we ask ourselves, do we pray for the right things? or do we pray for the ones that are not included in His will? When we pray, do we really hear HIS answer or do we hear the answers according to OUR HEARTS' DESIRES? Sadly, there are people who are supposedly walking in His light, walking as His disciple but they are having a hard time LISTENING to God and OBEYING Him especially if it involves their hearts' desires.

I hope the next time that that person prays, LISTENING should be present. and OBEDIENCE too.

(photo from google)

<3

shooting for a star ( a short story)

2011-06-16T05:45:00.000-07:00

fiction is always the product of our imagination. but sometimes, there are fictional characters that are closer to our hearts than any other characters we have created in our head because they are, at some point in our lives, were part of who we were or they were a part of the past. and as i was searching for my old manuscripts and literary works, i came across a short story i wrote way back in high school, those times i would hide in lockers whenever this certain smile would light up the room i was in. it was a story of a girl who fell in love with a shy smile only to get her heart broken because the guy would not even look twice at her. or so she thought. thus, after reading that story i wrote, i was inspired to write another.

a continuation, a bridge.

---------

Shooting for a star
by: Gillian Hero Guerrero-Angeles

The rain kept on pouring the whole afternoon and my mind's going more restless by the minute. The stormy season was just starting at this time of the year. Two weeks ago, I was a completely different man. Two weeks ago, the concept of love and commitment was as far-fetched as surviving on another planet aside from the earth. But it all changed when I saw her again...

---
(Two weeks ago)
I was on my way to my usual gym routine when I passed by this quaint chapel located near a commercial district in Libis. I don't know why I stopped but I did and moments later, I found myself kneeling down one of the pews and looking at the cross on the altar. A few minutes passed and a tiny little voice inside me asked an audible question. "What is your heart's greatest desire?" Whoa! Where did that question come from? I already have what most people my generation are envious of. Fame, money, girls. I am in my own right a famous celebrity though not as famous as Dingdong Dantes or Piolo Pascual but I already have a number of female and gay fans admiring my physique. I have tv guestings here and there, an evening soap opera that's getting a fair share of the viewers pie, and a late night travel/extreme sports show. I don't need anything else. Well, maybe there's one. A Porsche Carrera. Aside from that I don't think I need anything else.

As I was about to get up, a girl passed by and sat two pews ahead. Something about her caught my attention and as I took a second look, my heart skipped a beat. I know that long curly hair too well. I've stared at that back all too many times way back in high school. Tall, slender, Snow white skin, charming, sweet, bubbly, graceful, sports-minded, brainy, beautiful, perfect. "Could it be really her? Here? Now?", I asked myself. Debating whether or not to approach her, I stood up and found myself rooted on the spot. I could not move. Memories of a high school crush came flooding in. Memories that would tell a number of failed attempts to ask her out despite me being a ladies' man. Memories that would speak of too many stolen glances in between breaks, my basketball practices, her dance rehearsals and school programs.

When I finally mustered the courage to approach her, she was already up and ready to go. Telling myself that it's now or never, I called out her name. "Carla!" I said as I made my way towards her. Despite her startled look, I could not help but notice how beautiful she still look after four years. "Hi Yuan! Glad you still remember me.", she said, flashing those pearly whites. God! She still has that charming smile I love staring at. "Of course! Why wouldn't I remember you?", I answered back. "Well, most of our schoolmates say you don't remember them anymore once you became a celebrity." How can I forget her? I will forget everyone from my batch but I will never forget her. Never. But I couldn't tell her that. "Of course I remember you. And your dad." I said, smilingly sheepishly at her. Her dad was the school basketball team's coach. My former coach. And the first time I saw her, she was shooting hoops with her dad as I entered the school gym for basketball practice. Mind you, I've never seen a girl as beautiful as her who can shoot killer three's. "I was thinking -", I was saying when I was interrupted by the faint sound of her phone ringing. "Yes, I'm done. *pause* Alright I'll see you at the entrance. Bye." I heard her say on the phone. As soon as she ended the call, she turned to me and said, "It was nice running into you but I have to go. I'll tell Dad you said Hi." "Please do. Tell him I miss playing ball with him." She smiled. "Bye Yuan.", she said as she walked pass me. My eyes followed every step she took away from me, and my heart retraced every step I took way back in high school to get to know her better. She stopped and waved back as soon as she reached the chapel's entrance and I saw a black car stop in front of her. She got in, lowered her window and smiled at me as the car started to leave.

I was mesmerized. I felt like the young boy again stealing glances at her in school. Or that basketball player looking for her among the crowd watching our intercollegiate games. But wait! I forgot to get her number! "Stupid!", I told myself. Of all the things to forget! "Stupid Yuan! Stupid!" Feeling defeated, I started to walk towards my car, still calling myself stupid for not asking for her number.

Gym time was over but I felt like I wasn't able to do a nice routine today. My mind kept going back to the conversation that took place inside that small chapel. As soon as I got inside my car, not even bothering to leave the parking space, I called one of my former basketball team mate. "Hey John how are you? *pause* Well, I actually have a favor to ask. Do you happen to know Coach Richard's number? *pause* Cool! Can you send it to me? *pause* Thanks dude!" Finally! I got a way to know her number.

Business card received. Coach Richard. Right then and there, I dialed the number and waited nervously as the phone rang. "Hello?", the voice at the other end said. "Coach Richard! This is Yuan!", I answered. "Yuan Co? My star basketball player? Is this really you?" I smiled at the mention of star player. "Yes Coach this is really me. How have you been?" A short pause followed my question. "Are you really asking about me or about me daughter? She told me she bumped into you earlier today.", Coach Richard asked. I was speechless for a moment until I finally answered, "Well, would you hate me if I say I really wanted to get your daughter's number?" Coach Richard laughed at my answer. "Well kiddo, I'm glad you finally had the courage to ask for it! It's been years! We've all been waiting for it. Me and the whole basketball team. Wait, let me correct that. Me and the whole school." I was shocked. "What???!!!! Everyone's been waiting for me to get Carla's number? But why?" "Well, we've all known you like her. We all saw the stolen glances, the look of longing in your eyes whenever she would enter the gym, and all those searching for someone in the bleachers whenever we have a ball game. We weren't blind Yuan. We knew. And I may have not encouraged you back then because of your reputation as a ladies' man, but given the circumstances right not, I think I'll give you more than just her number. Do you still know how to get to our house?" How can I forget, I thought. I've memorized their address and how to get there in the hopes that someday, I would get the chance to pick her up from their house, bring her out to a romantic date, and get her home on time for her curfew. But it never happened. "I think so Coach. Or I can Google maps the way.", I lied. "Okay, if you say so. Be here tomorrow for lunch. Bye." Wow! God must be on my side! Lunch at their house? Is this really happening? I wanted to punch myself just to check if I'm dreaming or not. Well maybe if I wasn't driving I would have done so.

When I got home, I searched for the basketball team championship photo I kept. It was the only championship photo I kept and treasured all these years. It wasn't because it was the most memorable championship but because it was the only championship photo that Carla took for the school paper. I found it hidden among the basketball team memorabilia that my mom hid in a box she placed inside my cabinet. On top of it was the jersey I was planning to give to her after the victory party hosted by the school. I never got the chance to do so because she wasn't around that night. She was sick according to her dad. As I stare at the photo, I couldn't help but notice how I was smiling from ear to ear, which wasn't my usual smile whenever the photo's for the school paper. I would usually have a stern, suplado look in school because too many girls would always try to catch my attention in various traumatic ways. Most girls in school. But not Carla. Maybe that was the reason I was so smitten by her. She's so different from all the girls I've seen. As I continue staring at the photo, I still could not believe the revelation I got that night. The whole team knew. Coach Richard knew. The whole school knew. I don't know if I should be pissed about it or the fact that everybody knew except Carla.

Early the following day, I got up, dressed well for the occasion, and drove to her place. On the way to her house, I passed by a flower shop to get her a bouquet of flowers. Her favorite, pink roses. I hope she'll like it. When I got to her place, I found her shooting hoops. I was amazed. Years passed and her killer three's can still take my breath away. "Can I try my hand in shooting?", I shouted as I approach her. She turned my way and was surprised to see me at their yard. "Oh! It's you! The star basketball player.", she answered. I smiled. "Are you going to hand me those flowers or are they for my dad?", she teasingly said. "Why of course it's for your dad. I kinda took a liking for him when he was my coach.", I joked back. She laughed. Oh my! That laugh sounded like music to my ears. "It's for you actually. I was just kidding.", I said shyly, handing her the flowers. She smiled as she received the flowers. "Thank you. Is this just a lucky guess or you really did research on what my favorite flower is?" I turned beet red. I can feel that I did. Nervously dribbling the ball she handed me a while ago, I avoided her eyes and said, "It was just luck I guess." Oh boy! How can I tell her I know more than just her favorite flowers without sounding like a stalker? Thank heavens, her father went out to join us in the yard. If it weren't for his dad I would have melted right at that spot. I was already wishing the earth would swallow me up right that moment she asked about my choice of flowers. "Hey lovebirds, it's time for lunch.", Coach Richard said, putting an arm around Carla. "Dad! That's not the right way to welcome visitors.", she said while she nudged him at the rib. "Hi Coach! Thanks for inviting me for lunch.", I said. He winked back as we started walking towards the house. Lunch was great though Coach Richard would not let me go off the hook without stories of how I was back then. He even mentioned that I really really liked this girl back in high school but I never got the courage to ask her out. Talk about being on the hot seat. Carla however was quiet over lunch as she ate her "special diet" of veggies and grilled fish. When I asked them about this, they said it's just her preference. She smiled weakly at me and said, "I've gone vegan for some reason."

---
Three days after that lunch I had at their house, I dropped by their house after one of my show's taping to give her a basket of fresh organic veggies. She was already asleep when I reached her house. Coach Richard received it for her. "Son, thank you very much. You don't know how much this will mean to her. But let me just say, I hope you don't get your heart broken.", he said as I got inside my car. I was puzzled. All the way from their house in Mandaluyong to my place in Tandang Sora, I couldn't help but think of Coach Richard's parting words. Why will I get my heart broken? Could it be that she does not like me at all? Or maybe, she's already in a relationship with someone else? Questions flooded my mind but the answers wouldn't come.

The following day, I decided to pass by her house first before I go to my scheduled taping. I found her sitting at a bench inside their yard, reading a book. "Hi!", I called to her. She looked up, surprised to see me there so early. "Oh hi! Thanks for the veggies by the way." "Glad you liked them. Can I sit beside you?" "Of course.", she smiled. "What are you reading?", I asked. "Oh, it's just a medical book explaining about Leukemia and chemotherapy." Leukemia? Chemotherapy? Why would she be reading a book about it when she wasn't a med student? As far as I know, she graduated with a degree in Advertising. "Are you planning on studying medicine?", I asked. She just smiled at me and went back to reading the book. After a while, she asked me, "Don't you have work today?" "Actually I have. I just wanted to spend some time here before I go to the location of my taping. I'll be gone for 3 days.", I said. I would rather spend time there than go to work actually. But I cannot tell her that. She smiled weakly at me, that same smile she gave me when she told me she had gone vegan. "Oh. You take care then. By the way, you can stay here as long as you want. But I have to go back inside. I feel tired already. Must be because of the medicines they made me took this morning. Bye Yuan." She stood up, went inside with the book she was reading, leaving me to ponder on things. First, her dad's puzzling statement the night before, then the book she was reading, and finally, she mentioned medicines. After a few minutes, I got up and went to my car, starting the drive towards my location shoot south of the Metro.

---
As soon as I got back to the Metro after my three-day location shoot, I decided to call Coach Richard. Three days of being away did not keep my mind off of the things that involve Carla. "Are you back in Manila?", was the first thing the Coach said to me when he answered his phone. "Yes Coach I am. Is there something wrong?", I nervously asked. "Get here as fast as you can. We're at Med City.", he answered. Not bothering to ask why, I ended the call and drove as fast as I can to Ortigas. Oh God, could it be Carla? What happened to her? Please God do not let it be her, I prayed. When I got there, I was informed that she was brought to the emergency room. As soon as I reached the emergency room, I saw Coach Richard in a seat nearby, with his face buried deep in his hands. "Coach?", I called out to him. He looked up and thanked me for being there. "Is it Carla? What happened?", I asked. "This morning, she did not respond to her medicines. She kept on vomiting all morning." "Medicine? Why? What's her illness?" "She was diagnosed with leukemia 5 months ago. She's been on chemo for 4 months now." Everything around me slowed down as I heard those words. It couldn't be. She couldn't be so sick. The doctor emerged from the ER and approached Coach Richard. "Sir, she's stable now. We sedated her and gave her an IV. We're moving her to a room. You can see her once we've already placed her in her private room. But I must admit, I'm worried about her response to chemotherapy. I'm afraid, we have to pray harder for her to survive. But we will do everything", the doctor said. As soon as I heard the phrase I'm afraid, I ran. As soon as I reached my car, I drove blinded by the tears that kept coming in my eyes. No! It couldn't be true. She's not sick. I don't know where I was going but I continued driving. I was surprised to see myself in front of the chapel where I first saw her again a few days ago. I got out of my car, went inside the chapel and tearfully said, "Why her God? Why her???! Why bring her back to my life only to get her back??! Answer me!" As I knelt down, the tears would not stop from flowing. I could not bear losing her, the girl of my dreams. For the first time in my life, I felt pain. I felt like my heart's breaking to a million pieces. Coach was right. He hoped I wouldn't get my heart broken. But here I am, in pain and hurting. As I was letting the tears flow from my eyes, a small voice inside me asked, "I asked You back then what is your heart's greatest desire. Are you ready to answer Me now?" Could it be God asking me that? "Oh God! Let her live please! That is what I desire most in this life. Just let her live and be strong again. I'll do everything to make her happy." Something warm enveloped me and the tears stopped falling. I got up, went to my car and drove back to the hospital. When I got to her room, she was still asleep. Not bothering to go home to get a fresh set of clothes, I stayed at the hospital, holding her hand as I fell asleep. In the middle of the night, I was awakened by a soft squeeze in my hand. "Hi.", she softly said. "Why are you here?", she asked. "I wanted to be here. To see you when you open your eyes.", I smiled, trying to hide my bloodshot eyes due to crying the whole night. "Thank you.", she said while reaching out to touch my cheek. "You know what, I have loved you for so long. I have loved you since high school.", she said. "Do you remember that day you tried-out for the basketball team? I was there. I saw you for the first time. And I fell in love with you that day." "Oh Carla!", was all I could say before the tears kept me from saying anything more. I just held her. I held her while memories of me stealing glances at her occupy my mind. "And I know you have loved me since high school too. I knew Yuan. Everybody knew.", she whispered. I reached over and kissed her on the forehead with everything that I've felt for her since that day I saw her shoot hoops nine years ago. It was an understatement to say that this girl in front of me, in a hospital bed with IV's and tubes attached to her, is the love of my life.

---
The rain kept on pouring the whole afternoon and my mind's going more restless by the minute. The stormy season was just starting at this time of the year. Two weeks ago, I was a completely different man. Two weeks ago, I wasn't so sure that love is for me. But here I am, waiting at this small chapel, waiting for the love of my life to walk down that aisle dressed in white. Gone are the playboy days of Yuan Co. Here and now, until forever, there is only one girl in my heart and mind. She's always been there. Carla, the girl of my dreams. My biggest high school crush. The one who brought me down on my knees to beg God to let her live. She only has six months to live according to the doctor but I know God can make miracles. He already did, that day He made our paths cross again in this same chapel.

(photo credit to original uploader in google)

spiritual battlefield

2011-05-30T05:07:00.000-07:00

march, april and may felt like a dry season. a very dry one. yes, God still talks to me but not for myself. He would talk to me about the people around me, usually with messages for these people but He's got no message for me. I would pray and do my quiet time but most of the time, His messages and answers are not for me but for others. It felt like I was just a watchman in His kingdom and I needed to carry out the messages He commanded me to give to certain people.

i felt unspecial in His eyes. I felt that my worth in Him depreciated. like I was no longer the favored daughter, the princess, and the apple of His eyes. somewhere in my heart, I know that it's just a phase, a season I need to undergo because He is working on something for me and in me. but when things don't feel like going good, when provisions seem to be lacking a lot of times, when tongues accuse a lot, when people judge a lot, I felt so low and unloved by my God.

until one night, when I was rumbling and ranting to Him about these things, He answered me with:
Isaiah 54 The Future Glory of Zion
¹ “Sing, barren woman,
   you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
   you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
   than of her who has a husband,”
            says the LORD.
² “Enlarge the place of your tent,
   stretch your tent curtains wide,
   do not hold back;
lengthen your cords,
   strengthen your stakes.
³ For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
   your descendants will dispossess nations
   and settle in their desolate cities.
⁴ “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
   Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
   and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
⁵ For your Maker is your husband—
   the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
   he is called the God of all the earth.
⁶ The LORD will call you back
   as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
   only to be rejected,” says your God.
⁷ “For a brief moment I abandoned you,
   but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
⁸ In a surge of anger
   I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
   I will have compassion on you,”
   says the LORD your Redeemer.
⁹ “To me this is like the days of Noah,
   when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.
So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,
   never to rebuke you again.
¹⁰ Though the mountains be shaken
   and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
   nor my covenant of peace be removed,”
   says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
¹¹ “Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,
   I will rebuild you with stones of turquoise,^[a]
   your foundations with lapis lazuli.
¹² I will make your battlements of rubies,
   your gates of sparkling jewels,
   and all your walls of precious stones.
¹³ All your children will be taught by the LORD,
   and great will be their peace.
¹⁴ In righteousness you will be established:
Tyranny will be far from you;
   you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
   it will not come near you.
¹⁵ If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
   whoever attacks you will surrender to you.
¹⁶ “See, it is I who created the blacksmith
   who fans the coals into flame
   and forges a weapon fit for its work.
And it is I who have created the destroyer to wreak havoc;
¹⁷ no weapon forged against you will prevail,
   and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
   and this is their vindication from me,”
            declares the LORD.

no weapon formed against me will prevail. and every tongue who accuses me i will refute. because the Lord is my vindication. that is my future glory. i believed that. I cry over those words. no, He did not leave me all alone. He just wants me to seek Him more and not be complacent. i can go on my days not worrying about things because I know God is there to back me up.

until one night after my usual thursday church schedule, the living room of my house turned into a spiritual battlefield. it was a good thing Jeremy has not left the house yet that time. i could not breathe (or according to Jeremy, i was no longer breathing), i had my fists clenched and SOMETHING WAS HOLDING MY FOOT. there was no one at home. my mom was in Bohol and I was spending the rest of the week alone at home with my lola living just next door. no, it wasnt just an anxiety attack. Jeremy couldnt make me open my eyes. I couldnt hear him anymore nor can I feel him tapping (slapping was more like it he said) my face. It wasnt my body giving in to exhaustion or something. He felt a negative presence in the place. And yes he's right about the negative presence. He was already speaking in tongues when I opened my eyes abruptly. He should have stopped but i think it scared him a bit when I said, "Dont stop what you're doing until I tell you to." I wasnt looking entirely at him, I was staring at something near my face. And that something was staring right back at me. While this something is staring at me, another thing is holding my right foot. I started praying in tongues. Louder than Jeremy has ever heard me pray in tongues. Louder than I ever heard myself speak in tongues. But that moment, it felt like I wasnt the one speaking. It felt like someone else is doing it for me. I dont even know how I commanded the two things to release me. Jeremy just told me that I commanded the one holding my foot to let go of my foot and for the two of them to leave my house. this attack was not the first one I experienced at home. one time while I was sleeping, my mom woke up to find me gagging up myself with both of my hands with my eyes looking like i've seen a ghost. another time, while i was alone in bed, i could not find the strength to get up because something heavy is at my chest. what scared the hell out of me that time was that the bed started to squeak which only happens when someone moves in bed. another time also, while i was asleep, i grabbed my mom's hand as she was going to put off the alarm and i said, "Huwag..." in a very scary tone.

when the spiritual battle was done, we were both perspiring like we ran a marathon. the room was humid despite the door being opened. here's what we felt about the things that bothered me that time: there's a spirit of hatred, a spirit of adultery, and a spirit of physical abuse that lingers on the house. and the two things we fought off were feeding on those spirits. something was also impressed to Jeremy. a scene flashed in front of him. it was of a husband and a pregnant wife fighting and the husband hit the wife right there at the sink. this is connected with the physical abuse spirit we felt. that night, i couldnt sleep. i prayed but i still felt afraid. i must have fallen asleep at around 5am because there was light already outside the windows.

then I was reminded of the word He gave me last week. the one in Isaiah 54.

¹⁵ If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
   whoever attacks you will surrender to you.

¹⁷ no weapon forged against you will prevail,
   and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.

Yes, it wasnt His doing. It was the work of something sinister, something that fears the power of women especially women who walks in God's will.

the following night, I took out my Bible after praying to God to remove my fear and the spirits hanging around. His answer made me cry out of relief. He said:
Ruth 3:11
"And now, my daughter, dont be afraid. I will do for you all you ask."

and last night, when I was still anxious to sleep at home, He said to me:
Matthew 20:32
Jesus stopped and called them, "What do you want me to do for you?" He asked.

i told Him, remove the spirits at home, make me sleep in peace and just let Your power rule over the house.

And with all His power, I know that His blood has already cleansed the house of any entity that was living in there.

:)

Yani's Canaan

Life and Movies

random thoughts at 3 in the morning...

The Battle

FORGIVING...

A Goodbye to a Great 2011... Hello to an Even Greater 2012!

24 things I want to accomplish next year...

It's the Simple Things in Life We Forget...

"Mudblood" in Sports

I miss the days when PURE BLOODED FILIPINOS make FILIPINOS proud. That when they see these Filipino athletes compete for the name of the country, they feel proud because they have the same skin color, same facial features, and same language. So what happened to the Philippine Sport scene?

Before, these athletes make us proud:

1. Elma Muros - Philippines' Long Jump Queen and Iron Lady. She won a total of 15 GOLD medals in the SEA GAMES. She also competed at the Olympic Games for the long jump event. STATUS: PURE PINOY

2. Lydia De Vega - Asia's fastest woman in the 1980s. Asia's Sprint Queen. Two-time Olympian. STATUS: PURE PINOY

3. Eric Buhain - Won a gold for the country at the SEA Games when he was just 15. In 1989, he broke one of existing SEA Games records for swimming. Several gold medals where attributed to his name in the SEA Games. STATUS: PURE PINOY

4. Bea Lucero - Won a bronze medal in the 1992 Olympic games for taekwondo. She won 2 golds and 3 silver medals for gymnastics at the 1987 SEA Games. STATUS: PURE PINOY

5. Mansueto "Onyok" Velasco - Gold medal awardee 1994 Asian Games. Silver medalist, 1996 Summer Olympics, our only medal for that year. For the Filipinos, he is the rightful winner for that fight for the gold. STATUS: PURE PINOY

Now, these are the ones who are making us proud:

Do i hear or see Filipino surnames in any one of those athletes?

Here's a link to a docu made by GMA 7's Sandra Aguinald about the younger swimming athletes of the country and how they lack a lot in terms of training and gear. You might be interested to watch and see what's lacking. http://youtu.be/oIJ8tvyUl4o

From Hero to Zero?

I Wished I Wasn't Beautiful

The Crown of Creation (A Blueprint Extended edition)

Hard Fought Peace

Women and Girls Should Know Their Worth.

No Other Woman

28 things I learned from Jeremy

Coming Home...

an email to my baby months ago

Going Back to January...

The Cinderella Complex

MOVE!

When you Surrender a Relationship… http://h3sean.com/relationship-surrender/

It was a really good read and I was inspired to write my own version of it. So here goes something.

Holding on means WE DON'T TRUST GOD. When God says, "Let go." and we say "God, will you give him back?", it is our way of telling Him, "God, I dont trust your plans for me. I dont trust in your power to give me the best."

Holding on means DISOBEYING GOD. When God says, "Let go." and we say, "God, NO! He is the one I want to be with. I love him so much.", it is a way of DISOBEYING the God you call LORD.

46 “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?"

Holding on does not only hurt us but it also hurts the other party. By holding on, we burden the other party with guilt because he/she hurt us by leaving us.

So when we are having a hard time moving on and letting go, remember that HOLDING ON TO RELATIONSHIPS THAT HAVE BEEN ENDED BY GOD MEANS:

WE DONT TRUST GOD, WE DISOBEY HIM, AND WE HURT THEIR PRESENT GIRLFRIENDS AND FUTURE SPOUSES.

:)

a letter to my future daughter...

"kung ayaw may dahilan, kung gusto palaging merong paraan"

in anger and bitterness, turn to God

shooting for a star ( a short story)

spiritual battlefield

⁴⁶ “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?"