Yeller Journalist Daily

YJD: Tonight's Parting Thoughts...

2011-04-21T18:06:00.001-04:00

Hyperbole...
It isn't just for Breakfast... it isn't just for a twelve-course BREAKFAST... with Buddha and Ben Franklin and, and Captain Kirk... on KRYPTON... after marathon sex-in's with eight - with EIGHTEEN - famous lust-ravenous models after saving the Earth... after singlehandedly saving the EARTH... any-anymore!
Yeah...

--Good night, and have a Dastardly Tomorrow

Amazingly Globally Important, Nobel Prize-Winning, Impending Saint-Prophet Celebrates his Twenty-Nineteenish or so Birthday Today

2011-04-21T02:07:00.004-04:00

Who is this shy Holy Stranger who makes blind men walk
and can do cool things with his nose...?

A man who has been certified by countless trusted religious and scientific sources, and the Pope -- and Tray Parker and Matt Stone and Harry Potter -- as a "no, seriously, totally seriously" really important Saint-like, Demi-God hero-Prophet kind of Wise Man/Shaman (and not in that totally lame-ass M. Night Shyamalan way, either), celebrates one of his likely to be nearly countless and charitably prosperous birthdays today. Details of the impending personal celebration -- separate and distinct from the many and varied celebrations and Holidays that will be littering the world like neon-colored, cancer-curing, gold-leaf confetti in this man's honor and will resemble something like Christmas and Diwali only much better -- is being held in a secret awesome place and will be a hundred million times better than any party ever given or landing on the Moon, or like the Titanic sinking or 911 only its exact opposite! The best people on Earth are expected to attend; and anyone who misses this party they can't get into anyway will likely explode into flames or cry when the Rapture comes because they'll be taken away by the Rapture and won't be able to be at this SWEET SWEET Party.

The Sun was reported as saying it would remain in the sky for another six extra hours today in the amazing and tall and good-looking as well Man's honor, and Gamera and Godzilla would stage mock battles in the after hours. And there would be candy corn and Snickers. And Balloons...

Earth Day has been officially cancelled, so that the great, best and really humble Guy's day-after party can be a day of mourning, but the totally the mourningest ever. And Stephanie Meyer, and bad things...

MID-MORNING EDITION ADDITION: The beyond amazing, ice cream and total world peace, Return-of-Baby-Jesus styled Birthday Celebration mentioned in last night's installment is being extended until Saturday afternoon after it was reported that the Earth, claiming to have lost its invitation to the aforementioned canned-whoopass of party perfection festivity, and bothered that its own typically springy day got made all mopey, threatened to throw open all Graves across the planet and let the dead walk among the living (but not in a kewl, brain-eating, George Romero kind of way; only in a shambly, gross, being dead and nothing else kind of way).

Reports indicate that this extension of Warp factor 100 Carnival Rio fantasticness has caused the Milky Way Galaxy to spin in the completely opposite direction, and given twins babies all over the universe Green Lantern-type super powers. Reports of Earth finally finding its invitation could not be verified.

Back to you, Connie!

YJD: Tonight's Parting Thoughts

2011-04-20T20:30:00.001-04:00

"Journalistic Integrity, to me, is refusing not knock-up crack whores in order to cinch a Welfare Reform Expose!"

Confidential Source very close to Y.J.

--Good Night, and have a Dastardly Tomorrow

Voldemoog Cat Sues Harry Potter Writer for ₤50,000,000

2011-04-20T13:48:00.010-04:00

When asked if the fuzzy namesake of J.K. Rowling's venomous He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named would accept a reasonable settlement, Voldemoog was rumored to reply:

"MeowmeowMeowMOEWMEOWMeowmeowMEOWMeowmeowmeowMeow

AVADA KEDAVRA!!!Meowmeow."

Though the Earless, Noseless Tabby is only four-years old, its lawyers feel confident they can mount a strong copyright infingement case against Dame Rowling. They're currently appealing to the RSPCA and the Fans of Philip Pullman Organization for support.

YJD: Tonight's Parting Thoughts...

2011-04-19T23:39:00.004-04:00

Banning Books! Burning Books! It's all so last century...!!!

Come to think of it, so are Books as well...

--Good night, and have a Dastardly Tomorrow!

LATE-BREAKING SHOCKER! Actor Will Smith Moonlighting as President Barack Obama!

2011-04-19T23:19:00.006-04:00

"These two men have not been seen in the same place together...ever!"
claims Wikisnitch spokesperson.

It seems that tall and talented actor Will Smith learned more from his Six Degrees of Separation role than he realized. Controversial media tell-all site Wikisnitch has unearthed documentation which proves conclusively that Smith has been playing the part of President Barack Obama since the 2008 Presidential Elections; Obama, in fact, is still working as an Illinois Senator, and claims to know nothing of the charade being played on American voters. Smith tearfully admitted at a press conference this morning that he meant no harm, but was trying to really understand the plight of being the leader of the world's greatest nation for his star turn in an upcoming Spike Lee movie, Our African American President. Smith denied that would pretend run for a second term, citing future film commitments.

Birther advocates all over America, while truculently "pleased" that Smith could prove his American citizenship; claimed to have issues over some other unresolved discrepancies (of which, defrauding the American public, curiously, wasn't one of them).

YJD: Tonight's Parting Thoughts...

2011-04-18T22:49:00.000-04:00

Evil schemes are awful catchy -- that's meant as both a Virus, and a Tune.

--Good night, and have a Dastardly Tomorrow

In Politics Today! Eye and Mouth of Sarah Palin Re-emerge After Ring Toss Fail!

2011-04-18T22:16:00.002-04:00

With her blazing, All Winking Eye still 'a winking, the oft-misunderstood Dark ~~Lord~~ Horse Sarah Palin returned to her old form this week, giving a rousing speech in Madison, Wisconsin to hordes adoring of fans – all thrilled to see that Palin's enemies failed in their attempt to cast her back into the realms of (political) shadows.

I've got my Evil Winking Eye on you, America!

Dropping only occasionally into her native Black Tongue, Palin fully endorsed Governor Scott Walker’s pledge to curb Labor rights, renewed her pledge to support hard-working Americans, and assured her conservative supporters, half-bred goblin soldiers and undead acolytes that the pitiful attempt by a certain “liberal democratic Halfling fellowship” to throw her favorite high school “Power Ring” into the Cracks of Mount Ujakushatscht (an active volcano in Alaska, known in Common Tongue as Mount Redoubt) had failed utterly.

How it probably went down...

Palin gave special thanks to the one degraded, cannibalistic member of the Ring-tossing gang who, overwhelmed by the prettiness of the “precious” bauble—and recognizing his God-fearing, patriotic duty to stop this destruction—finally killed and devoured the “bleeding heart, flower-smelling, hippy midgets” before promptly restoring the beloved heirloom, a gift from the ~~Dark One’s Mast~~ Palin’s Great Grandmother, to its Rightful Owner.

“Gee whiz! I know it’s just a little Ring,” said the darkness-enshrouded Palin, to the gleeful hissing of her Wraith-y entourage. “The least of Rings, really; but now that I have it back, I feel assured ash nazg that I can finally reverse these libelous misrepresentations of my ‘blood libel’ comment, take the Presidency durbatulûk in 2012 and see ash nazg that ~~Númen~~ America once again rises to gimbatul its former glory. Pew Pew!”

This is how I can see Russia from my doorstep, BITCHES!

When asked if she thought her impending installment in the White House heralded some kind of new age, like a Fourth, maybe? She laughed girlishly, did her characteristic coquettish wink and finger gun shooting gesture, and gutturally muttered something to the effect of burzum-ishi krimpatul…

Democrats, Political Commentators, and High Elf luminaries have refused comment on this curious turn, though one Vanyar lobbyist boldly declared that the world was now truly lost. “We thought the lands of purity and justice had only base mortal Michelle Bachman to contend with now -- the Worm Tongue of Capitol Hill, if you will -- but with The Evil One re-invoked…? I fear that's it truly time to diminish, to fade into the West… or maybe Canada.”

Ostensibly a hero, the degenerate, pro-Palin turncoat is thought to have disappeared right after returning Palin's treasure. “Probably to go back to his family,” said one of Palin’s Witch King aides. Maybe, but an anonymous Guantanamo official tells it different. Seems a new prisoner, described as a hunchbacked, obviously psychotic deviant who self-identifies as “Precious,” has become a minor sensation down Gitmo way. “He mutters to himself constantly,” said the official, “thinks he’s invisible, and tries to eat the other detainees, but otherwise he’s a model inmate.

Courtesy FreakingNews.com 2011

“I’m not sure, but I think he might be George W. Bush…”

YJD: Tonight's Parting Thoughts...

2011-04-17T01:02:00.000-04:00

“Prejudices are what fools use for reason... Thank God!*”

-Yeller Journalist

--Good night, and have a Dastardly Tomorrow!

*a vastly improved adaptation from that international stealer of electricity, Voltaire!

"Technology can't replace God": opines Emperor Pope-atine

2011-04-17T00:33:00.000-04:00

"Man will pay the price... if he believes technology can give him the powers of God," says the palm-pimping Roman Catholic pontiff during the pre-Easter game this Friday.

To which Apple anti-pope Steve Jobs is rumored to have asked:
"Is that 'the' God, or 'a' god?"

The Pope, answering an e-mail, declined comment.

Apparently it's better to reign in Cupertino, than serve in Heaven -- YJ

YJD: Tonight's Parting Thoughts...

2011-04-15T19:29:00.002-04:00

“Honesty: The best of all the lost arts”

--Mark Twain

“Honesty: of all the arts, the best lost”

--Yeller Journalist

--Good Night, and have a Dastardly Tomorrow

THIS JUST IN! Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin to Wed!*

2011-04-15T14:20:00.004-04:00

Details of the impending nuptials are harder to find than a men's bathroom at an Ann Arbor Lilith Fair Concert, but... here, look at pictures!

Emmy port in a storm! Anderson shares his only threesome
fantasy with his most beloved ladies; and Kathy's there, too!

Sex and the Silver Beard. Awww, such a darling -
and arguably unstaged - candid!

* Paid for by ObfuscatorsofAndersonCooperspersonallifedetails.com

FLASH! Mickey Rourke to Play Aging Ursula Andres in Lifetime Biopic

2011-04-15T13:35:00.004-04:00

CORRECTION: Aging Ursula Andres to play Mickey Rourke in Lifetime Biopic...Yeargh!.

YJD: Tonight's Parting Thoughts...

2011-04-13T22:18:00.000-04:00

“Any 20 year-old who isn't a liberal doesn't have a heart, and any 40 year-old who isn't a conservative doesn't have a brain... And any 30 year-old who doesn't have either is a
Tea Party member.”

--Good Night, and have a Dastardly Tomorrow...

#NITBAFS BAM! Responsible Journalist/ FAMOUS Ex-Ford Model trademarks #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement Acronym; Sues Jon Kyl, Stephen Colbert

2011-04-13T21:54:00.099-04:00

#NITBAFS, or Hash-NITBAFS, or just NITBAFS: For years the trademarked ~~weap~~ acronym for stories of debatable credulity, stealthily stashed in the world’s most beloved reporter’s journalistic toolbox, has gone unintentionally public! The recent unlicensed use of the term (in its un-acronymed iteration) promises that NITBAFS will not only gain currency in daily use, but that the NITBAFS licensee will gain his own currency—however reluctantly—from a slew of mandatory lawsuits.

The law-abiding, tsunami-hating, world-adored journo in question (who asked not to be named) had given little thought to the ingenious, forward-thinking term he invented three decades ago, an acronym that stands for NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement, until this week's threat of potential brand dilution brought on by political comedian (and long-time personal friend) Stephen Colbert in response politically comedic Senator Jon Kyl's (R.-Az.) NITBAFS-worthy NITBAFS. The dustup occurred after Kyl remarked that "90% of Planned Parenthood activities involve abortion" when the true figure is a roughly lower fraction: one-thirtieth lower*.

Stephen Colbert -- #NotInclinedToBuyAffronted-
Friend'sStory -- continues to kill Kyl online.

Kyl's office later attempted to clarify, citing NITBAFS as the reason for Kyl's usefully partisan turn of phrase (sources reveal that the long form, and not the trademarked acronym, was used during this initial exchange; potential legal culpability is still pending).

Colbert riposted to Kyl’s boyish political prank with a series of jocose responses meant to embarrass the Senator, entertain the masses, or both. But in NITBAFSing (including all iterations) without permission, both Colbert and Kyl have entered legal hot water.

The dust-up of the dust-up is that despite wishing to avoid any legal imbroglios—especially one’s with guaranteed, out-of-court settlements expected rival the GDPs of some third-world nations—the otherwise frugal NITBAFS-owning reporter must sue any any and all parties engaged in unlicensed use of the NITBAFS term (and all iterations, certainly, probably). Under the U.S. Government's new “Kid Napster-ing Code,” the unpermitted use for gain of any trademarked intellectual property (of no less than six letters) by any American citizen over the age of five must be tried in a civil court, to a minimum redress of three-trillion dollars.

I don't know how Mr. Colbert heard
out about the Sneenis," said
factualazy Sentator Jon Kyl's wife.

“This is all just very awkward for me,” ~~I sai~~ The Unnamed Reporter emotionally admitted. “Of course I trademarked NITBAFS ~~yeste~~ 30 years ago, but I never once consider the legal implications.

“I suppose I will give what I make from this forgivable-but-legally-enforceable infringement to the homeless, or those harelip babies in Nicaragua, but it’s ugly. To sue a dear friend like my comfortably wealthy, prone-to-inappropriate scooping pal Colbert? We went to school together, you know; it’s where I introduced him to his wife, my ex-fiancée. I only hope to put this behind me as soon as I can, and get back to my job reporting on domestic and global truthiness issues.”

The injured party has agreed to show the list of Colbert remarks produced in conjunction with the NITBAFS tag. Both Kyl and Colbert could not be reached with extreme prejudice for comments. Lawyers' requests that Colbert surrender possession of the funnier of his Kyl digs to the injured party in order to reduce damages could not be verified.

A legally indefensibly brilliant sample of the truthiness
at work... play... at work-play.

*: Note: to the word-number challenged: 3%

Entertainment Shocker: Catherine Zeta-Jones Checks Self into Mental Hospital...

2011-04-13T19:49:00.001-04:00

...After finding husband Michael Douglas' original Birth Certificate.

YJD: Tonight's Parting Thoughts

2011-04-07T19:52:00.003-04:00

“Journalism is in fact history on the run.”

Thomas Griffith

“Journalism is in fabrication history on the lam.”

Yeller Journalist

--Good Night... and have a Dastardly Tomorrow

Ima Buzzkill's Celebri-Tea and Sympathy

2011-04-07T08:48:00.013-04:00

All right, Ladies of all Genders, Eee-mah Boozkeel here. And it’s poll time! So pour yourself that Vodka tonic with a Demerol chaser, and let's get to it...

Cause you gotta bitch that I wanna scratch! Meerawr!

OK, Question one! Which Hollywood hunk will more classily ignore your half-drunken come-hither leers/slavering gropes at an after-Oscars Party? Brad Pitt or George Clooney?

Too tender? OK, try this: Which of these two “P.Y.T.s” could sooner bed a Pitt or a Clooney (before you, it hurts me to say, dear)?
Chris Colfer or Adam Lambert?

Which statutory cougarbait’s more apt to remind you that their mother is younger than you? Nick Jonas or Justin Bieber?

Now, who’s more apt to stroke your inner cougar here? Channing Tatum or Chris Hemsworth? (Choices from the previous question also acceptable; disgraceful, but acceptable.)

Who’s isn’t younger than you, but can more credibly claim that she is? Jennifer Tilly or Diane Lane?

What revenge sex fantasy partner keeps you most "satisfied" whenever hubby’s away on “business”? Jason Statham or Hugh Jackman?

Who’s more likely to treat you like staff at an after-Oscar Party?
Meryl Streep or Barbara Streisand?

Bonus Fill-in Question: “It would be more pleasant to shake hands with (blank) at the aforementioned after-Oscars Party?”
A poo-flinging chimp? Perez Hilton?

Next week we'll explore the colorful history of Münchhausen-by-proxy, so don't forget to hide the salt!

And remember, it's EEE-mah, EEE-Mah! BoozKEEL.

Remember... cause I won't ever let you forget.

Lay-Z Oscar Scoop! Harry Met Sally 2: Hot Ticket Gonna Leave You Hungry For More

2011-04-07T06:06:00.004-04:00

When Harry Met Sally 2 with Billy Crystal & Helen Mirren from Billy Crystal

Lay-Z talking yo;

This is a no-brains, Oscar-gold-supernatching, assbanditing-the-trompatition, million-and-ten percent WINNER, you hear! It's an R. Reiner Joint with that Brit Octomamacougarbutstilldue-a-bull DAYum H.Mirren and some dude B. Crystal. So hear it, this epic has got it ALL: Romance for you ladies, the chuckles, and it gets weepy. There's some violence, so it's not exactly kid-friendly, but it's as red-blooded a Hollywood U.S.A. type-film as they come, and it's got BITE! (heh heh, he said...)

And bonus: It's got "lemme-bend-ya-ear-off-ya-face" boxing buh'maniac Mikey Tyson, gettin all Muthafuckinsnakesonamutha... you got it, only it ain't snakes...

And no, ain't gonna say what it is - but you ain't gonna wanna 'have what she's having,' yo!

I think this strip runs like two hours, right; cost like, 500 million, something? But it's coming out in summer, that's a fact. So get your votes on, old people, cause this film's gotta ROCK that Academy! ROCK it like a some kinda crazy MTFKN, grannie-gramps slammin'...

Chair, I dunno...?

Anyways. Out.

YJD: Tonight's Parting Thoughts

2011-04-04T19:00:00.002-04:00

Dear C.

"If a celebrity torpedoes his own act, and there's no one around (who cares) to hear it, does he still sound like a winner?"

Love Y.J.

--Good Night, and have a Dastardly Tomorrow

This Just In! Filmic "Wikileaks" uncovers disturbing "Lucy and the Football" trailer-to-movie initiative.

2011-04-04T08:56:00.008-04:00

Wikisnitch, an obscure TV-and-film wikileaks clone, released one of its most shocking (and first) finds late night Sunday, April 2, 2011: A movie-studio document detailing a sickening initiative to intentionally greenlight awful films, counting on one or two well-crafted trailers to lure unsuspecting victims into theaters. And according to the document, this insidious trend has been going on for decades.

“Hollywood has known for years that audiences are weak, stupid losers,” said a wild-eyed blathering, but credibly anonymous wikisnitch source (kaffchucksheenkaffkaff). “British super-winner James Bond… it probably started there. But ever since Star Wars I, II, and III, it has been the rule. Tiger-blooded, Mars-God brother Lucas knew it. Fuck, that winning Warlock Michael Bay depends on it!”

This is your Brain on the Transformers II Trailer...

The document, entitled the Lucy Van Pelt Memorandum, suggests that a deceptively attractive lure, like a highly kickable football or an aforementioned Bay film trailer, when dangled before 95 percent of Americans, will compel them—despite awareness of crippling past dupes often numbering in the dozens or even hundreds—to rise to the challenge and give the football, or film, one more chance. The initiative is clearly inspired by Charlie Brown’s evil nemesis, Lucy, who reliably, injuriously, humiliates Brown by offering to hold a football for him to kick, only to retract it without fail at the very last minute.

“Violent disaster for that Earthworm Brown is never in doubt,” said ~~Char~~ the source. “He falls for the dupe like he’s winning on losing. And see, that’s all America, too; sorry, but I have to say it – seriously, would there be a Transformers III otherwise?

This is your Brain seeing Transformers II.
Any Questions?

Basement-dwelling trolls are stealing from their parents like mad to get fucking lightsabers, all paying for Lucas’ Ewok-costumed-hooker addiction--he buys those tiny bitches by the dozen like furry eggs. That’s the violent football-swiping, back-busting truth!

“No one but me sees what a superior brain is at work here, getting them—the public, I mean—all to just love an inferior product, and for immortal eternity, you get me; forever! They all see they’re losers, they feel it in their non-tiger blood, you get me? So when that next trailer comes, they almost have to say, 'I’m so all over that—that’s Vatican Assassin Awesome!!!!' Then the goods come, and bam, like anti-Adonis DNA; like an unexploded torpedo, and they—the public—and just can’t process that, they don’t want to, so they line up for another kick!”

Sources at YJD could neither confirm the legitimacy—nor the much of the comprehensibility—of the previous quote.

Major Hollywood studios have all released statements denying the existence of any such initiative (a separate statement from Troma films ruefully denied knowledge of the initiative, only to assume credit for it hours later). Warner Brothers intends to legally pursue the Wikisnitch founders for this “alleged, malicious slander,” and Michael Bay has been seen in the vicinity of the wikisnitch offices, along with a pair of his snow-white leopards and a giant hummer-shaped robot.

In amusingly related news. As of last Monday, the incidence of famous Charlies trending “football still unkicked” more than doubles!

Back up to you, Chuck!

YJD: Tonight's Parting Thoughts

2011-03-31T23:21:00.002-04:00

The infallibility of Pretty, Stupid People becoming Pretty Stupid People has always been... something of a source of hope to me, I guess.

--Good Night... and have a Dastardly Tomorrow

From The Onion: "34 Katherine Heigl Film" Simultaneous-Release DISASTER!

2011-03-31T16:17:00.001-04:00

Earlier today, YJD's Satellite News Service, The Onion, reported a catastrophic spill of Katherine Heigl films in theaters all over the US.(View video for more details). The President of the Screen Actor's Guild, and the head of Sony Pictures, recently released joint statements warning that current Heigl exposure far exceeds the maximum safe dose of .5 Heigls/hour, and that an exclusion zone of 1,000 feet is being set up around AMC and Regal Entertainment theaters nationwide.

Despite the brave efforts of health care professionals throughout the country, the tragedy appears to be intensifying. Paramount and 20th Century Fox have offered their support to the stricken Sony in a rare show of solidarity. Rumors confirm that 22 Natalie Portman films will be released into the Heigl stream in a desperate bid to bring the Heigls down to a manageable level.

More on this catastrophe as can be elaborated upon.

YJD: Tonight's Parting Thoughts

2011-03-30T20:54:00.000-04:00

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah...
Yadda, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda...
Watermelon, Cantaloupe, Watermelon, Cantaloupe,
Watermelon, Cantaloupe...
Ruzzah, Ruzzah, Ruzzah, Ruzzah...
Wahwahwah-wahWaaaaaahhhh!

And that's the News!

--Good night... and have a Dastardly Tomorrow!

Somalian "Entrepreneurs" launch Kickstarter campaign to Buy Black Pearl "Free-Trader"

2011-03-30T17:49:00.004-04:00

Yaaaaarg! I smell a Branding Op, Mateys!

A replica of the Black Pearl, pirate ship from--among other things--Disney's blockbuster Pirates of the Caribbean movie trilogy, has currently gone on the market for the "fire-sail" price of just under a million, American, and a cartel of Solmali businessmen think it's a steal! They not only intend to buy the ship, but they intend to use unconventional donation site kickstarter to fund the vessel's purchase.

But these Somalis, who only spoke to YJD via internet, using colorful handles like "BlackBeard4realz," "Tanker2Banker" and "Myotharidezagunship," and who wouldn't or couldn't accurately define their business model (except to state it was in "acquisitions") claimed that using kickstarter was an ironically prefect way to acquire such an unironically perfect ship. Their interest in the Black Pearl appears to be strictly promotional. "It can't compete with our Arma-- with the ships we already use," one cartel member said. "But when added to our fleet of fast and 'self-sufficient' cargo carriers, we would finally have just the right branding symbol for our upcoming expansion efforts"

The cartel members were very closed about the given project's details, but fortunately, a YJD intern yachting near Abu Dhabi was abruptly invited aboard one of the Somali entrepreneur's ships where he managed to snag this curious document fragment.*

This [Black Pearl replica] will hold a capacity of 70 ~~tourists~~ "carceral units" and 8 crew members who can live aboard comfortably. The ship has 2 cabins with a bathroom and a toilet, ~~two other smaller cabins~~ a brig and a cabin for a crew. It also has an equipped ~~kitchen~~ skullery which is located in the bow. The ship also offers 2 ~~public toilets~~ waterboarding facilities for men and women.*

Details related to the intern's cryptic discovery, or of the intern's current whereabouts, remain sketchy at this time.**

The executor for Black Pearl's owners had this to say: "We had finally to drop the price from 2.5 million to just under one, which hurt, but this might turn it all around! These Somali's sure know what they want! When they first called me to inquire about the Black Pearl, they didn't sound all that interested, but when I told them the ship had six functional bronze cannons, let me tell you, they were hooked!"

It looks like the Somali's might have a shot at ransoming the Black Pearl from its cash-strapped owners; a fact that doesn't make everyone happy. Up-to-the-minute hearsay suggests that several oil-rich Middle Eastern nations, concerned over this "scheme," have implemented their own "Buy the Black Pearl" kickstarter programs in hopes of capturing the ship first.

* To see originial text, click here: http://www.blueoceantackle.com/pirate_ship_for_sale.htm

** A recent addition to the YJD codes of conduct states "YJD maintains a rigorous and inflexible tradition of not negotiating with kidnappers...

...for any employee under the level of Editor-in-Chief.