Yelling Louder

KOBE FOR MARBURY, FRYE, AND ROBINSON

2007-05-30T12:56:00.001-04:00

C'mon, say it with me...

NFL Draft Recap

2007-05-01T00:07:00.000-04:00

In addition to Chris Berman, the NFL Draft coverage gave many "experts" the chance to offer their opinions and analysis. For those who may have missed some of the wall-to-wall draft coverage, and even those who didn't, here's some comments that Yelling Louder caught from the best of the best who brought you NFL Draft 2007:

Mel Kiper (at 11:45 AM): "This is incredible. I've once again predicted the first three picks of the draft. JaMarcus Russell, Calvin Johnson, and Brady Quinn. Those are the top three on my board, and you'll see that the teams agree."

Keyshawn Johnson: "Calvin Johnson has the size of Keyshawn Johnson, the hands of Keyshawn Johnson, and the speed of Randy Moss. That's the best combination ever!"

Mel Kiper (2:30 PM): "How the Dolphins can be there, with Brady Quinn still on the board, and not take him is ridiculous. I don't know how you do that. That hurts the league. Roger Goodell should suspend Cam Cameron for half the season for this."

Steve Young: "Brady Quinn... leadership... Dan Marino.... San Francisco 49ers.... leadership... Steve Young... West Coast offense... championships."

Ron Jaworski: "The Dolphins have a statue of Dan Marino outside their stadium. You need to have a quarterback who can stand next to that statue and live up to that tradition. Ted Ginn is not that player. Brady Quinn is."

Sal Paolantonio: "I don't know what to do. For the first time in my life I'm not reporting on draft day from New York Jets headquarters. What am I doing here? Is this because we now assume that the Jets will no longer do something stupid? Fine. Well, since I'm here in Tampa, I'll tell you that Jon Gruden likes Brady Quinn but just signed Phil Simms to a new contract. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow."

Mel Kiper (3:30 PM): Why is no one trading up for Brady Quinn?! He's in the top five on my board. If someone doesn't take him soon, I'm going to start calling every GM in the league!"

Dennis Green: "The Cardinals are who I thought they were. That's why they showed up to the draft. That's why they took a damn offensive lineman! You think they should've taken someone else? Bullshit!"

Michael Irvin: Hey..... hey! Put me on TV! I got somethin' to say. The Bears took someone from The U!"

Peyton Manning: "I'm glad we took a receiver. That will help me play better. I'll have one more person to throw the ball to. That's great for me. We can win another championship, mostly because I'm still playing quarterback."

Tom Jackson: "Brady Quinn is falling in the draft..... he's getting JACKED UP!"

Michael Strahan: "Aaron Ross is cool. He'll help us shut down offenses. He'll make the big play, man. Next year, we'll all be BALLIN'!"

Charlie Casserly: "If you gave me a draft with Reggie Bush, Calvin Johnson, and a defensive lineman, I'll take the lineman every time."

Mel Kiper (7:00 PM): "The Cleveland Browns are one of the smartest teams in the NFL. They traded up to take Brady Quinn. Phil Savage did the same thing in Baltimore, when he traded up for Kyle Boller, and we all know that was a smart move. Savage did it again. Great move. The Dolphins will regret this. They have NO IDEA wha the draft is about."

Chris Berman, Martyr

2007-04-30T11:59:00.000-04:00

For the 2007 NFL draft, Chris Berman had a new outlook to go with his new bottle of chestnut hair dye. We were treated to the first draft in recent memory where we heard the picks as they were announced, instead of being told 6 seconds earlier in quip form. It's uncertain exactly why Berman toned down his act, but it seems more likely that it was orders from above, NFL or the four letter, rather than a rare instance of self restraint from Fatty McCombover.

Deep down, I think everyone is a little bit more conflicted about the whole thing than they care to admit. Sure, it's awesome to be able to watch the draft without some self-important asshole fucking things up every 15 minutes, but what good is the draft if you can't hear unfunny jokes, and clearly dated cultural references, about each potential pick? Luckily, due to Yelling Louder's unparalleled media access, we were able to acquire the list of jokes Chris Berman would have made had he been allowed. I'll break it down into two parts, first 16 right now, second 16 sometime later.

1) Oakland Raiders-JaMarcus Russell. "Well Steve, I think we might get a curve ball here. Something from the Brady Bunch? Its all JaMarsha JaMarsha, JaMarsha."

2) Detroit Lions-Calvin Johnson. "OK Mort, the commissioner is coming out to the podium. And it might be cold in Detroit but that's ok because I think the Lions might be getting a new Yellow Jacket."

3) Cleveland Browns-Joe Thomas. "I have a feeling this is going to be a very big pick. You know, big, like the size of an offensive tackle."

4) Tampa Bay Bucs-Gaines Adams. "Thanks Steve, the pick is in and its going to be a huge Gain for the Bucs down at the new Sombrero."

5) Arizona Cardinals-Levi Brown. "I don't know much about this pick, but I do know I wish Levi's jeans made leather pants."

6) Washington Redskins-LaRon Landry. "Turns out Berman was just planning on making his "profound" comment that Landry shares his name with a Cowboys coach before the pick actually happened."

7) Minnesota Vikings-Adrian Peterson. "Well guys, I think this pick is going to be "Sooner" than that pick a few years ago. Get it guys? Get it?"

8) Atlanta Falcons-Jamaal Anderson. "The Falcons are about to draft Jamaal Anderson. You would have known this if you were as important as me."

9) Miami Dolphins-Ted Ginn Jr. "Oops, the Dolphins Ted it aGinn."

10) Houston Texans-Amobi Okoye. "The Texans are a young franchise. Very young. They went to highschool at 12. I think they'll get a pick to match."

11) San Francisco 49ers-Patrick Willis. "Whatchoo Talkin Bout San Francisco?"

12) Buffalo Bills-Marshawn Lynch. (Ed note. This joke was redacted for tastelessness).

13) St. Louis Rams-Adam Carriker. "The Rams are looking for someone to carry the load on Defense, will they pick someone who can be that Carriker?"

14) New York Jets-Darrelle Revis. "Guys, I think Eric Mangini might be growing a moustache to keep this guy comfortabale."

15) Pittsburgh Steelers-Lawrence Timmons. "I'm thinking Linebacker, to replace the semi-old one they just let go." aside to self man that one was really good.

16) Green Bay Packers-Justin Harell. "The Packers, who play on the frozen tundra of Lambeau field, are getting one Harell of a pick."

I hope you appreciated that. Typing all of those out actually made me dumber and less funny.

Three Man Fantasy: Week 4

2007-04-27T14:57:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the lack of content this week, I'm in the middle of my finals period. Good news: last finals period ever. Bad news: next two months I study for the bar. What this means for you: This will be a brief Fantasy post, but bar study is more of a marathon than a sprint, so you'll get stuff over the next two months.

I'm still only one point from perfection, stupid wins, but a lot of the gaps I described last week are getting narrower. I think Pete is cooking up some strategy where he picks up every available 5th starter. I'm curious to see where that is headed.

First Pick Update:
It is my sad duty to report that being picked first in Three Man Fantasy is not yet at Madden Curse level. Pujols has turned his season around to the tune of .247 BA; 5 HR; 14 RBI. Soriano and Carpenter are still injured though, so, as far as jinxes go, Three Man Fantasy is having a good rookie season.

Bobby Thigpen Update:
Aside from ruining the careers of Soriano and Carpenter, Three Man Fantasy is mounting an all out assault on Bobby Thigpen. Through three games, Saloman Torres was on track for 162 saves, which would obliterate Thigpen's record of 57. While Torres has slowed, and is now only on pace for 48 saves on the year. However, with 8 saves in his team's first 21 games, Francisco Cordero, of the equally NL-Central Milwaukee Brewers, is now on pace for 61 saves. We'll get you yet Thigpen.

Alma Mater Update:
Congratulations to our favorite Land Grant University. A full 25% of your starting secondary is not being charged with felonies. WE ARE...

As always, if you want more in depth info, click the Three Man Fantasy link in the sidebar to get to our league pages. See you next week.

Fun with Spring Football

2007-04-22T23:47:00.001-04:00

This must be why Nick Saban left the NFL for Alabama.

Uhhhh...What the Hell?

2007-04-22T02:04:00.000-04:00

And the award for the weirdest link we've ever gotten goes to...

This site about the King James Bible. Good luck Biblical scholars, Sean Salisbury is a valuable resource.

Three Man Fantasy: Week 3

2007-04-20T14:46:00.000-04:00

Friday at Yelling Louder means one thing, and one thing only. It's time for the Three Man Fantasy update. Before we get into the serious analysis (ha), I'd like to take a moment to point out my hegemony over all things NL-Central-Only. As noted in the intro post, our league is doing a roto scoring system with 14 categories (all the normal ones plus OBP, SLG, K/9 and OBP against). As of the end of Thursday night's games, the mighty squad of Orange Lazarus, led by me of course, is in first place in 13 of those categories. The only laggard for me is Wins where I am second.

The dominance is amazing. My ERA is a full run better than Pete's second place score (3.35-4.37) and I have almost as many strike outs (108) as the other two guys combined (112). I also have a significant lead in RBI (68 to Pat's 51) and HR (19 to Pat's 12) and am sitting on an 85 point SLG cushion. Is all of this true simply because I care more than the other guys and pay far more attention to the league than anyone else? Maybe. But I prefer to think it's because of my innate skill as a leader of men, motivating the names on my roster in ways that transfer over to the real players they represent.

Not all of baseball can be chalked up to motivation though. Even Matt Foley couldn't get much out of this year's Royals. Roster construction and team management are both key aspects of any team. With that, I bring you each team's best and worst roster move of the week. We'll go in the order of the standings, which means I get to go first.

Orange Lazarus-Adam
Best move: Picking up Rich Hill. I can't believe no one in our pitching thin league picked this guy up until now. Dropping Dave Bush to create the roster space necessary for the pick up leaves my team with only 7 Milwaukee Brewers.
Worst move: Letting Aramis Ramierez start when he is injured and not playing isn't a good way to rack up points. Especially when DeRosa is still hitting like a psychopath while sitting on my bench.

Zach Duke for Cy Young-Pete
Best move: Pete wisely sat his title character for Thursday's game against the Brewers in which Duke allowed 7 earned runs through 4 innings.
Worst move: On the other hand, Pete continuing to sit Freddy Sanchez in favor of Cesar Izturis seems to be a poor long term strategy.

Blitzburgh Buccos-Pat
Best move: Pat's patience regarding Carlos Lee's and Jason Bay's early struggles is now paying off. Each is producing very well and helping Pat to close the gap in the hitting categories.
Worst move: Pat's patience regarding his possession of only four healthy pitchers has been somewhat less fruitful.

1st Round Pick Update:
Alfonso Soriano: .245 BA; 0 HR; 1 RBI; injured and likely out through the weekend.
Albert Pujols: .190 BA; 4 HR; 9 RBI; Batting Average still stinks but he's starting to come around.
Chris Carpenter: Same as last week. Still injured!

The Quest for Thigpen:
Saloman Torres has cooled down from his hot start but Thigpen isn't safe yet. Through 14 Pirate games, Torres has 5 saves. This leaves Torres on pace to get 58 saves, just enough to make his way into the record books. Torres has saved 5 out of the Pirates' 6 wins. At that pace, the Pirates would have to win 70 games to ensure Saloman gets his 58th Save. Again, this Pirate team may be the limiting factor on Saloman's quest for glory. Keep up the good work Torres.

Sorry for the somewhat sparse posting this week. I had to deal with some computer repairs. I am now a very happy Apple customer, though. Apple fixed my warrantied iBook in 6 days from first phone call to pick up. This is 347 days (and counting) faster than Dell fixed my warrantied Inspiron. Buy Apples.

Must Be Proficient in Microsoft Office

2007-04-20T00:04:00.000-04:00

Awful Announcing dug up this apology letter from Pacman Jones, in a newspaper called the Tennesseen. AA, exhibiting all the cynicism one would expect from a pajama-wearing, Mom's-basement-living blogger, speculates that the letter may not be entirely sincere. I am shocked and disappointed. How can you question Pacman's honesty? Many drunks who get thrown out of bars or clubs say, "I'm going to get you," or, "you better watch out," and nothing comes of it. Pacman, true to his word, followed through on his threat. Or at least got one of his buddies to do it for him.

I think Pacman deserves a second chance. Therefore, I am extending an open invitation to Pacman Jones to become the fourth member of this blog. Think about it Pac, you're going to have a lot of time off, and you and I both know you get kind of antsy when you don't have anything to do. I think writing for this blog would benefit you in a lot of ways. It would give you a chance to get your side of the story out unfiltered. It would keep you connected to sports in your time off. It would improve your writing skills in anticipation of that inevitable pro se legal brief. You would still get to perform in front of an audience. I know its not the tens of thousands you're used to from football games, but the difference is negligible. The downside is that we can't really pay you anything. But hey, that'll just be like when you were playing football in college, *wink*.

It's not only you that would benefit, Pacman. Hiring you would promote Yelling Louder's own interests. Obviously, the publicity of signing you on would increase our readership, but there are other benefits. The biggest of those is the new perspective you would bring. My exploits at Madden 2007 notwithstanding, none of our current authors are professional athletes. None of us even played NCAA sports. None of us have ever carried a garbage bag full of 81,000 $1 bills. You can enlighten our readership in ways none of us can. According to The Office, we can get paid for hiring ex-convicts, so hopefully we'd see some of that scratch at some point. Finally, while we don't really fancy ourselves as a journalistic blog, having a guaranteed scoop on the next Pacman Jones incident is still very appealing.

I think you'll enjoy working for us Pacman. We're players' coaches, more Marvin Lewis than Bill Parcells, if you know what I mean. Unlike the NFL, this blog has no image problem. We will not be implementing draconian punishments for petty offenses like gun ownership in violation of probation. You're free to do pretty much whatever you want, Pacman, and still come back to your position here. We only have one rule: Don't shoot us.

Think on it Pacman. I really think this is one of those deals that helps both sides. If you, or your agent, want to get together to talk about this, just e-mail me at the "contact us" link in the sidebar. We don't make this offer to just anyone. Theismann's been fluttering in the wind for months now, but there's no chance we're letting him on board. We think you're special Pacman. Just think about it. Help us help you.

Virginia Tech

2007-04-19T22:03:00.001-04:00

Since this is a sports blog, here's a sports-related video that shows the spirit of V-Tech.

Now Batting, I Licky Boom Boom Down

2007-04-19T19:53:00.000-04:00

I made the 300 mile drive from my parents' house on Long Island to Penn State upwards of 20 times, I suspect, during my undergraduate career. By the time I got through the traffic of New York City, I had already passed my third favorite part of the ride. Along the Cross Bronx Expressway there was, and may still be for all I know, a giant mural advertisement for Fat Joe that took up the entire side of a building. I don't know if it was for any specific album or anything, but seeing a sixty foot Fat Joe head is the kind of thing that can change a person's life.

My two favorite parts, though, came in the vast, boring wasteland of Interstate Route 80. The pinnacle of the trip, since my sense of humor has changed little since my 11th birthday, was passing an easily misread sign announcing the exit for Scotrun, Pennsylvania. The other moment came somewhere around exit 42 in New Jersey. That was when Hot 97, New York's home for Blazin' Hip Hop and R & B, faded away into crackly static, taking with it the last bit of radio from the New York market. The rest of the trip gave me stations which claimed to be bringing me the hits of the 90's and today. But they seemed more focused on the former.

I got plenty of laughs hearing songs like Bittersweet Symphony, Save Tonight, and Closing Time in succession years after it made any sense. I felt very high-and-mighty, what with my ultra-hip suburban upbringing. I mean, come on, I was in college; I was already listening to weird emo stuff and, like, punk covers of 80's songs. Ahh, the days of Napster.

That feeling stopped today. I made a portion of that drive again today to check out a possible venue for my upcoming wedding (sorry ladies, taken). My notions of cultural superiority, even further honed by living in downtown Manhattan, were longing to hear some Super Drag, or some Fastball. I got what I wanted but it all seemed strangely familiar. As Funky Cold Medina rolled over into Ironic, I realized what had happened.

Earlier this week, I went to Yankee Stadium and witnessed the beginning of Chase Wright's career. I also was Rocked Like a Hurricane by The Scorpions. I, along with everyone else, was commanded to dance, now. Gloria Estefan also made an appearance. It's not localized to Yankee Stadium. While at Citizens Bank Park last year, I heard Dio's iconic Holy Diver four times.

I want to know who is responsible for this, who is clamoring for it. It's not me, my small amount of ironic enjoyment aside. I know it's not Murray Chass and the rest of the old guard. I think he'd rather have tobacco ads and Eisenhower campaign slogans piped in. But who's in between? My dad is older than me and younger than Murray. He doesn't want to hear Cotton Eye Joe. I don't think Peter Gammons does either.

Then I remembered. This Guy is in charge of baseball. The guy who was foiled by an exhibition game. The owner of the least successful franchise for a decade, which, as if by magic began to turn around as soon as he left. He seems so cuddly now, its almost hard to remember that he spent much of the 1990's telling anyone who would listen that baseball sucked because your favorite team has no chance to win in the playoffs. I'm not sure how he did it, but I know it's his fault. Fuck you Bud Selig. Fuck you like a hurricane.

Mock Draft

2007-04-16T14:44:00.000-04:00

As mentioned earlier, we participated in a mock draft over the weekend. The continually updating results can be found here. We had the Giants pick at number 20. Without spoiling anything, I'll say that I was pretty content with the pick, since the Giants can only fix one problem at a time. You of course are free to disagree. It was all a good time. Defintely go check it out and then come back here and harrass me for my amatuer drafting mistakes.

I'm the next Peyton Brady

2007-04-14T21:14:00.000-04:00

The NFL Draft is coming soon, and what better way to prepare for it than to get to know the key prospects on a personal level. That's just what young hotshot Graham Bensinger did, as he interviewed Brady Quinn. However, the interview was actually much longer than what was published on ESPN.com. Here's the full transcript:

Graham Bensinger: How's the NFL Draft process been for you?

Brady Quinn: It's tough because you have to prepare and figure out where to train, who to hire as an agent, and whether you should dump your girlfriend before the draft.

Bensinger: Dumping your girlfriend is a draft strategy?

Quinn: Yeah, that's what Matt Leinart did. He dumped his college girlfriend and was hooking up with Paris Hilton. That's what you need to do if you're a quarterback and want to be a top pick. Thankfully, Coach Weis got me in touch with Tom Brady, so Tom's gonna get me some connections. He's pretty good at that.

Bensinger: What else have you done to prepare for the draft?

Quinn: I've gone out to Arizona to train. I had to get in shape. I did a lot of eating and drinking during Bowl season, so had to get back to my old playing weight. Plus, it's a lot warmer in Arizona in February than in South Bend.

Bensinger: What about the Pro Days?

Quinn: Those were tough. There's all these team executives and coaches there, and you have to make good throws and hit the receivers. Thankfully, Coach Weis set it all up. He made sure I didn't make any difficult throws. And if I made a bad pass, he'd tell all the scouts that it's because the receiver sucked. Coach Weis is great. At draft time, it's all about making yourself look good.

Bensinger: What teams have you met with so far?

Quinn: Washington, Cleveland, Oakland, Tampa Bay, and Miami. These are all great teams. They're all great teams to play for. In Oakland I could play with Randy Moss. In Miami, I can be teammates with Joey Porter. These are classy guys. Team players.

Bensinger: How did those meetings go?

Quinn: The meetings went well. The toughest part is actually making it to the meetings. It's not like rolling out of bed at 7:55 for an 8:00 AM class, or showing up at 11:45 for a noon kickoff. One time, I was supposed to fly from South Bend to Chicago, but the flight got cancelled. So, I was booked on another flight, to Detroit. Man, that city is awful. I had to run to make my connecting flight. I had 10 minutes to make the flight. I was running through the airport, pushing people out of my way. If someone got in my way, I just yelled at them and told them who I was. Some people recognized me and yelled out things like "Go Irish!", "Run Like a Champion Today!", and "F--k Notre Dame! I hate you!" I think there were some Michigan and Michigan State fans in the house.

Bensinger: Detroit's a big airport....

Quinn: Damn straight. I barely made my flight. When I got on the plane, I sat down right next to Mel Kiper. He explained that the whole thing was a speed test. He arranged for the flights to be exactly 10 minutes apart, and clocked me. He explained that running through an airport is like making a 20 yard run while trying to dodge defenders. Kiper also had the airport security cameras tape the entire run, so he could send the tape to Ron Jaworski for a complete analysis. I was pissed because I knew I didn't handle the man getting pushed in the wheelchair well. I juked right, then made a move to the left, but ran into someone with a huge suitcase. I should've jumped it.

Bensinger: .......?

Quinn: Kiper told me that last year Vince Young made that move, in O'Hare. That's a tough place to play. But, my agent told me about Kiper. He told me to stay away from him. But Kiper told me that I should go by the 7th pick. I told him I thought he's full of it. I told him I'm going #1. He's like trying to keep me down, or something.

Bensinger: So how did the team interviews go?

Quinn: They were good. It was the offensive coordinator and quarterback coach for each team. We'd watch film for a couple hours, order pizza, throw back a few beers, then talk about the film we watched. Miami made me watch film of Dan Marino, then explain what he did right in reading the coverages. The Raiders made me watch film of Kerry Collins, Aaron Brooks, and Andrew Walters and tell them what they did wrong. That was like a 10 hour interview. Then they popped in film of Jeff George.... I knew right there if this guy could have a career in this league, I'm gonna be alright.

Bensinger: What about the Cleveland Browns?

Quinn: Well, I've always been a Browns fan. I grew up in Dub-town, Ohio. I dressed up as a Browns player for Halloween every year, even in college. People gave me strange looks, but then I told them I was Bernie Kosar and they thought I was awesome.

Bensinger: What was it like playing for Charlie Weis?

Quinn: Coach Weis is very blunt. He'll tell you exactly what he thinks, and he'll tell you if you screwed up. Sometimes when I make a bad pass on 3rd down, he'll tell me to go stick the ball up my ass. I know what he means by that is that I need to stay patient with the progression and look for the fourth receiver. And if he calls me an asshole, he just means that I've should've audibled to a run play.

Bensinger: Coach Weis told SIRIUS Satellite Radio that the team that gets you is going to get a combination of Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. What do you think of that?

Quinn: I think he's totally right. I'm going to be the #1 pick and become the best quarterback in the NFL. Peyton Manning is good, don't get me wrong, but I'm better. All he's done is win one Super Bowl. And Tom Brady... he went to Michigan, so he'll never be that good.

Bensinger: What aspect of your game are you most proud of?

Quinn: My leadership ability. I'm a leader on and off the field. Like when I'm at parties, I'm always the one to tap the keg first and get everyone doing keg stands.

Bensinger: What's your biggest weakness?

Quinn: Receivers that suck. I always make good passes, so when my receivers don't run their routes well or drop the ball, that hurts our chances of winning. It puts me in a position to carry the team on my back and lead us to a comeback win.

Bensinger: What are you most looking forward to about Draft Day?

Quinn: I'm looking forward to being flown in a private jet to the headquarters of the team that drafts me. I step out of the plane, and everyone is there to see me. It makes me feel important. Yeah.

Three Man Fantasy-Week 2 Update

2007-04-12T20:37:00.000-04:00

Some may have wondered why we chose to use espn.com for Three Man Fantasy despite our well documented displeasure with most things involving the four letter. The reasoning was pretty simple. Since we were doing this on a blog, we really wanted to be able to link to the league page. We originally set up a league on Yahoo, my usual go to site for non-sexual fantasy purposes.* Unfortunately, Yahoo does not allow non-league members to view any of the league pages. Either that or I'm too dumb to figure out how to make them allow it. In any event, the decision was made to go over to espn.com so we could share our babies with you. Besides, its not like espn's fantasy engine was going to be so crappy and so full of bugs that they would be forced to void all of our roster changes through April 11th and then rerun all the games up to that point using our opening day rosters and hope that nothing else would go wrong right? Right? Oh well. The four letter's ineptitude will not deter us. The good news is that my status as wire-to-wire leader is not compromised.

Player of the Week:
Brad Lidge's demotion sends Pete into an emotional tailspin. Dan Wheeler tries to cheer him up by sporting a 9.00 ERA. That kind of compassion makes Dan Wheeler our Three Man Fantasy Player Of The Week.

1st Round Pick Update:
Alfonso Soriano: .200 BA; 0 HR; 0 RBI
Albert Pujols: .176 BA; 1 HR; 2 RBI
Chris Carpenter: Same as last week, because he's on the DL indefinitely!

The Quest for Thigpen:
All season long we will be charting Salomon Torres's valiant quest to set the single season save record and vanquish Bobby Thigpen's name from the record books. Currently, Torres has 4 saves through 9 games leaving him on pace for a record breaking 72 saves. Torres has recorded the save 100% Pirates' victories this season. Unfortunately, he may have to do better than that to reach Thigpen's mark of 57.

Final update that has nothing to do with fantasy baseball:
We're participating in an NFL mock draft that Awful Announcing put together. If anyone has any advice for what we should do with the Giants at 20, let us know.

*For sexual fantasy purposes, it's anything with furries.

Bitch, I'm a Cut You

2007-04-11T13:33:00.000-04:00

Written as Joey Porter:

You punk ass bitches. You keep trying to cut Joey down but you can't. You can't. Roger Goodell has spoken, and he's disrespecting me. You know me. I always rise to the challenge. If Goodell is going to come in here talking smack he's giong to get more Joey than he know what to do with.

I don't know why Goodell is trying to rile me up but he sure did. Pacman Jones got suspended the whole season? That fool can't even do his work himself. Boy running around making it rain and whatnot. When Joey makes it rain it rain blood sucka. If some stripper really wants to see what's up she should try to take $81,000 from me. I wouldn't hide behind my crew I'd shoot that ho myself.

Chris Henry? Chris Henry? Chris Henry can't do nothing. He got arrested wearing his own jersey. Did Chris Henry ever eat his neighbor's horse? I did. Yeah, I did. Everyone thought it was my dogs but it was me. Chris Henry should be more like his teammate Levi Jones. At least Levi took his beating like a man. Rest assured, I whooped his ass, but I respected him the whole time. Better than he did. Can't believe Levi disrespected Joey by splitting a pair of tens. That man needed to get his ass beat.

Obviously Goodell is challenging me. I need to be a more imposing presence. I have a plan. First, I need to change the Dolphins uniforms. No one is scared of a brother wearing teal. Second, no more cooking my food. All of Joey's meat is gonna be raw; the blood will make me stronger. Third. I'm going to start wearing cleats on my hands for extra stopping power-on and off the field.

Goodell's going to suspend people without giving Joey his due. Joey's going to give Goodell his due. Beee-yah.

A Day in the Life of Brad Lidge

2007-04-10T13:00:00.000-04:00

(Ed. Note: This post is in no way a swipe at Pete who drafted Brad Lidge for Three Man Fantasy. I swear.)

Yelling Louder Blackbox Student Theatre Presents: Lidge

Mrs Lidge is in the kitchen holding a cold cup of tea. She stares at it. The kitchen is very modern, made entirely of stainless steel and marble. Brad Lidge enters from a doorway leading off stage. Mrs. Lidge does not look up.

Brad Lidge: Quietly, to self. It's ok Brad. Everything is going to be ok. Lots of great closers give up 5 runs in two thirds of an inning. Besides, you're 31, your career is just getting started, I mean look what Barry Bonds did after he turned 31. To Mrs. Lidge. Good morning honey.

Mrs. Lidge: Brad I want to talk to you about something.

Brad: Not now, I have to get to the park and study some film. If I want to get my job back I have to work at it. Dan Wheeler may seem like just another run of the mill reliever, but Houston is only 550 miles away from Wheeler, Texas. That kind of Hernandez theory will be tough to overcome, but I know I can do it if I just work hard enough. Just like my alma mater, Notre Dame, has overcome its oppressive admissions standards to become the nations greatest college football program and lose nine consecutive bowl games like champions.

Mrs. L: Look, we need to talk now. I want to get a divorce.

Brad: What why? I thought things were going well.

Mrs. L: Well they were, at first. Back when we were dating, it was a great time. You were always on. I had my choice of guys, and I chose you. I thought you were perfect.

Brad: There were other men?

Mrs. L: No calm down. Once I decided on you that was it. Besides it was just this one short guy and this guy from the Dominican Republic who totally flaked once I let him go. I'm not sure what happened, you were still fine that first year after we got married. Not now. You're not the same anymore. It seems like you don't even know what you're doing.

Brad: Look I know things aren't going well right now, but I'm trying. I still feel the same as I did before, but the results are all different. I'm just in a slump, I'll get out of it. It's a game of inches.

Mrs. L: Brad, the inch between my vagina and my asshole is a very important inch. But this isn't just about the bedroom. I just don't have confidence in you anymore. I never know what you're going to do. Remember when you dropped the baby? I just need someone more predictable, and middle of the road, and boring.

Brad: Fine. Fuck you. We're through. I never liked you anyway.

Mrs. L: Don't be like that. We're stuck with each other for a while. That agreement I signed earlier this year, and I have no idea why I signed it, says we have to stay together until the end of the year. But I think we should just keep to ourselves and see other people.

Brad: You've already moved on haven't you? Who is he, I'll kill him!

Mrs L: Well, actually I think you two are already acquainted. Enter man from stage right. Brad this is my new boyfriend, Dan Wheeler.

Dan: Hey buddy.

Brad Lidge loudly weeps while Mrs. Lidge and Dan Wheeler have quiet passionless sex.

Exeunt.

New Faces

2007-04-09T01:17:00.000-04:00

In the wake of all the Cowherd nonsense, I spent a lot of time reading angry screeds. I spent even more time reading the blogs on which those screeds appeared. I realized that our blogroll was severely lacking. There is a lot of quality out there and, if only to remind myself to read all this stuff, I want to beef up our link list. I've added a few already but I'm not done. If you want a link, just use that contact us button over there to drop us a line.

With all that said, I'd like to give special recognition to new addition Run Up The Score! Why? Because he's a fellow Penn State sympathizer. What's that, I never mentioned that all three authors of this blog went to Penn State? My bad, better add that to our list of declared biases. So that puts us at Pro Penn State, Pro Big Ten, largely Pro Yankee, a waning East Coast Bias thanks to Three Man Fantasy, Anti Second Person, Anti Sean Salisbury, Anti Schrutebag, and Pro Gratuitous Porno Reference (Tory Lane). There's probably more, but I don't want to ruin the surprise.

Three-Man-Fantasy - Week 1 Update

2007-04-06T20:59:00.000-04:00

After collectively spending hours of valuable time researching our draft strategies for our first ever three-man NL Central only draft, the star power at the top of our respective draft boards has been relatively unimpressive. Here’s a quick snapshot at the production of our first round picks:

Alfonso Soriano - #1 Overall (Pete)
.231 avg. 0HR 0RBI 0SB

Albert Pujols - #2 Overall (Adam)
.100 avg. 0HR 0RBI 0R

Chris Carpenter - #3 Overall (Pat)
0-1 7.50 ERA 3K .346 BAA

Take the above statistics for what they’re worth, these players will come around in due time. Where the true genius of our baseball minds becomes evident is in the performance of our late round gems. Here are a few shrewd picks that could only be results of days upon days of in depth statistical analysis and observation:

Johnny Estrada (MIL) – 13th Round (Pete) – If Estrada keeps up this pace, the question will have to be answered: Is Johnny Estrada the best hitter ever produced by the College of the Sequoias? Such elite names such as Brad Mills, Steve Stroughter, and Jim Wohlford have passed through this collegiate powerhouse, so this will be no open and shut case if this question should be raised.

Mark DeRosa (CHC) – 20th Round (Adam) – The early leader in the NL Central batting average race, DeRosa is the clear NLCMVP frontrunner at this stage of the season.

Salomon Torres (PIT) – 16th Round (Pat) – slipped under everyone’s radar, and is now on pace for 162 saves (MLB Record). Currently 2nd on the Pirates in the Cy Young voting behind Zach Duke, Torres has a hell of a year ahead of him.

Now that we’ve packed some concrete information into this update, here are 5 good reasons that my team is the class of this league:

5) Zach Duke is the next dominant arm in the majors. After the completion of this season, he will be the youngest to win the NL Cy Young since Dr. K in 1984.

4) Zach Duke is destined for success. Named after a basketball powerhouse with a culture of winning, it is in his makeup. (See Keith Hernandez's Theory on Name/Success Correlation)

3) Zach Duke will have approximately 6 starts against the lowly Cardinals, who currently sit near the MLB basement with a .200 team batting average.

2) Zach Duke has the comfort of knowing that Xavier Nady, the current MLB home run leader, will be protecting him all season long. This will lead to many victories.

1) Two words – Matt Capps

The Hernandez Theory of Name/Performance Correlation

2007-04-06T20:48:00.000-04:00

While watching the Mets-Cardinals game on Wednesday night, my primary source for everything baseball – Keith Hernandez – made an earth shattering inference that could alter future performance predictions by respected analysts.

Hernandez enlightens us by sharing that the Mets’ starting pitcher shares his last name with one of our country’s northernmost states – Maine – and continues to imply that his success in the cold St. Louis air could be related to the cold weather associated to the state he was named after.

Needless to say, this blew my mind, and I call him out on this. I shot him an e-mail and demanded some concrete information to support his claim that a player’s performance can be attributed to the geographic region after which he is named. What followed was simply genius, I’d expect nothing less from my hero in life, Keith Hernandez.

Dear valued SNY viewer,

Thank you for your interest in the New York Mets, but more importantly, thanks for recognizing my valuable commentary and overall contribution to baseball and my impact on American culture as we know it. I’ve done extensive research on my theory of name/performance correlation, and I’m glad to share some of the fruits of my labor. Here are some more examples to support my claim:

Orlando Hudson – recorded his highest stolen base total last year with the under the hot Arizona sun after spending years north of the border in Canada. He also batted a career-best .287 last year.

Mark “Tex” Teixeira – has a .299 batting average at home in Texas while only managing .278 on the road over the past 3 seasons. In addition, he has averaged .318 against the Astros in interleague play.

Fernando Valenzuela – had more than 75% of his career wins in the heat of Southern California, almost as hot as equatorial Valenzuela.

Again, thanks for giving me this opportunity to show that I’m worth more to television than Just for Men commercials. (How does the ‘stache look on the air????)

Sincerely,
Keith Hernandez

Thank God for Keith Hernandez. Joe Buck can only cower in his shadow.

I am the Champions

2007-04-06T13:39:00.000-04:00

I don't want to step on Pete's toes, he should be checking in later with a more complete Fantasy League update, but I do like bragging about stupid shit. Therefore, it is my privilege to announce that I am the current grand champion of Three Man Fantasy. The fact that I was able to attain this stature despite ESPN.com refusing to acknowledge Ian Snell's masterful 11 K performance while at the same time insisting that 5.9 K/9 is less than 3.51 K/9 makes me all the more impressive. At this point, I find it appropriate to guarantee victory. I know that in doing so I risk being called a distraction by Sean Salisbury and other old white people, but that's a chance I will take.

To make it easier to bask in my glory, I have added a permanent link in the sidebar to our fantasy league. Read it and be merry.

Colin Cowherd is a Sad Little Boy

2007-04-05T15:30:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I speculated that Colin Cowherd had done something stupid. I was wrong. As of yesterday, Colin Cowherd was only planning on doing something stupid. In response to my question, some helpful commenter told me that Cowherd had some big announcement planned for today. I hoped that it was that he was getting fired, or quitting to pursue his musical career. I expected it to be something about strippers and how everything in life can be equated to them.

Turns out I was wrong. His announcement was something dumb about a web-cam. Also of interest, Colin Cowherd decided to shut down the website The Big Lead with a DNS attack. It's not entirely clear to me why, although Deadspin says Cowherd was mad because The Big Lead was saying stuff about him. Given his history, I'm surprised Cowherd didn't just repeat the information while claiming he came up with it.

Colin put a lot of planning into this. I noted yesterday that the wikipedia pages for Cowherd and his show were on lock down. This usually happens following a rush of fake vandalism (see anytime Colbert has his minions do something) but I'm pretty sure the wikilords will let allow a preemptive shut down of an article about a living person if that particular person requests it. I think Cowherd probably did this. If he put half this much effort into planning an entertaining radio show instead of spending 3 hours arguing strawmen everyone would be better off.

My question to Colin Cowherd, or any of his supporters, is: Why do you think this was the right thing to do? I read The Big Lead every day and I don't remember them saying anything that bad about you. But even if they did, you are a public figure. You are paid by DisneyCorp to talk about sports and, more importantly, be a personality. People are going to have opinions about you. Some of these opinions are going to be negative, especially since, at least as far as your on-air persona goes, you pride yourself on being contrary. Sorry, it's part of the job. If you can't handle that then find something else to do with your time. Or go into a hermitage on Eastern Long Island and record thousands of radio shows with explicit instructions that they are not to be played until the copyrights expire seventy years after your death.

Mr. Cowherd, have you ever said anything negative about an athlete, or coach, or group of fans, or city, or celebrity? If so, why is that acceptable while what The Big Lead did unacceptable? What if one of those athletes or coaches called in a bomb-threat to the ESPNradio studios, preventing you from recording your show? Why do you have the right to disseminate news and opinions? Why does The Big Lead not share that right?

I started off angry, but I'm ending up purely curious. I'm curious what thought process culminated in you thinking this was a good idea. I'm curious what you would say if someone deliberately jammed your radio signal coming out of Bristol because they didn't like something you said. I'm curious how someone who has been as successful as you have been in climbing through your profession could become so incensed over what I'm sure you see as a pathetic little website full of 30 year olds who live in their parents' basements. I'm curious. I'm very very curious, Cowherd.

***UPDATE***
I added a few more sites below. According to KSK, Cowherd just decided to do this for no reason, not because of some sort of animosity towards The Big Lead. I'm not sure if that bothers me more or less.

***UPDATE 2***
As of noon on Friday, The Big Lead is still down. Unless my computer is just having a caching problem or something. I added a few more sites to the list down there. The Big Picture article itself links to many other articles so you can find some more that way. This whole thing sucks. Hopefully, Pete will be by here soon to update you on the first week of Three Man Fantasy.

In addition to the Deadspin article linked in the text, Pacifist Viking has written on Cowherd's actions. I'll keep updating this post with new articles when I can find them.

Pacifist Viking
Deadspin
Kissing Suzy Kolber
Super Dee Duper
EDSBS
With Leather The Feed
Sports Hernia
The Big Picture

What Did Colin Cowherd Do This Time?

2007-04-04T13:10:00.000-04:00

I have a feeling that Colin Cowherd did something stupid. My referral log is full of people searching for him, and both his personal wikipedia page and that of his show are on lock down. My cursory google searching turns up nothing interesting and I refuse to waste two hours of my life listening to his podcast on the four letter. Someone, please fill me in so I can make fun of this dong wrangler. Any information you have can be left in the comments.

How To Get Out of a College Coaching Job

2007-04-04T12:15:00.000-04:00

Former and now current Creighton basketball coach Dana Altman pulled a fast one on the University of Arkansas by quitting after one day on the job. Apparently it took Altman actually being in the job to make him think about things he should've thought about during the decision process. The universities' booster jets took to the sky on Tuesday, as a Creighton jet came to save Altman from any further agonizing hours in the Razorback state, and Arkansas athletic director Frank Broyles flew home from Augusta, Georgia, where he was preparing to watch the Masters. Unfortunately for Broyles, he now has to keep working, instead of running out his remaining time as athletic director watching golf.

Altman's about-face brings back memories of some other college coaches who have ended their coaching tenures at a school in unique ways. In particular, I'm reminded of Rick Majerus. After a stellar career at Utah, he left, then attempted a comeback at USC. This marriage ended quickly, as Majerus departed USC, citing "fitness problems." Majerus' revelation that he wasn't in the best physical shape shocked the basketball world. Luckily, ESPN was there to provide Majerus with a source of income. Now, he provides insightful commentary during college basketball games about how players "transcend the game," all while looking uncomfortably warm in a turtleneck and sportcoat.

Dana Altman chose the Rick Majerus route of simply admitting he made the wrong decision and apologized. Another option would be to go out in style, Mike Price style. Mike Price left the University of Alabama before ever coaching a football game there. A night of drinking, strippers, sex, and lies led to Price being forced out. He had a nice, big Sports Illustrated article written about it, too. This is an effective way to make a name for oneself. Now, instead of merely being known as Ryan Leaf's college coach, Price will be remembered for something much more.

Similar to the Price Method, another option would be to take the Larry Eustachy route and have a good, fun night out to finish off a coaching tenure. While Price opted for strippers, Lovable Larry went for the college girls. I guess Larry just relates better to college students. Eustachy gave us some photographic moments that will last a lifetime, pictures of him kissing and hugging Mizzou girls. Mike Price didn't have such pictures to remind him of his night out. While it was one too many Natty Lites that led to Eustachy's undoing, I bet Mike Krzyzewski or Thad Matta couldn't get the college girls like Larry. That's something no one can take away from him.

A New Year's Resolution

2007-04-03T13:07:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I forgot to wish you all a happy Assyrian New Year on Sunday. I am sorry and will try to make it up to you now. I have a New Year's resolution.

I'm no grammarian, but I try to keep my sentences clean. I do my best to cut out unnecessary adverbs and think about where I'm putting commas. I try to avoid long meandering sentences and only use semicolons sparingly. Most importantly, I don't switch from third person to second person for absolutely no reason when I'm talking about things. If you're a sports announcer you do this all the time and you sound like an idiot.

I was reminded how much I hated this while watching yesterday's capstone to the boring NCAA tournament. Noted non sports fan Billy Packer did it about a hundred times and Greg Gumbel and company did it during the half time show. Maybe my problem is assuming basic thinking skills are a requirement for being on television. Maybe if Gumbel says, "Clark, what is Thad Matta telling his team to gear them up for the second half?" Kellogg will say, "How would I know? I'm not Thad Matta." So maybe Gumbel has to say "Clark, if you were Thad Matta, what would you be telling your team at halftime?" That's the only explanation. Ok, maybe Kellogg really likes Choose Your Own Adventure books, but that's it.

The majority of sports announcers do this, a lot. I can't understand why. It makes their sentences much more awkward. "The Knicks need to cut down on their turnovers," becomes "If you're Isiah Thomas you need to tell your players that they need to cut down on their turnovers." It doesn't add any credibility, as far as I can tell. It's not like they're doing the Theismannesque "Isiah Thomas told me that he wants to take better care of the ball." It just makes them sound like idiot-kings issuing orders to a group of subjects they don't recognize. "Whichever one of you is the jester must make me laugh. If you're the cook, you need to make me dinner." They're not even addressing anyone most of the time. I'm willing to accept an occasional, "You are able to see on the replay that the receiver was clearly out of bounds," with its implied viewer-at-home reference. But I don't need Joe Buck to tell me what I would tell Eli Manning if I was Tom Coughlin. Because I'm pretty sure Joe Buck has no idea.

Here's my resolution. Anyone who looks through my past posts will find instances where I slip into the second person. Sometimes it makes writing easier, and I get lazy. Wait could that be why announcers use it all the time? Nah, impossible. But from now on, unless explicitly addressing the readers, (i.e. "you can find more people ripping on Sean Salibury at these other blogs,") or mocking someone for doing it in one of our satire articles, I will no longer use the second person. That's it. Over. If you're one of my readers, you can count on it. Happy Assyrian New Year.

MLB News & Notes

2007-04-02T13:33:00.000-04:00

Today's Opening Day games have just kicked off, so I wanted to pass along some last minute news & notes (Peter Gammons-style 'Diamond Notes') that'll be helpful to keep in mind as the games play out today.

The Tribune Co. announced that it will sell the Chicago Cubs after this season. The company itself has just been sold to real estate superstar Sam Zell. Some potential buyers include:

Jerry Colangelo - the former Arizona D-backs and Phoenix Suns owner might want to get back into the sports game. No word yet on whether Colangelo will ask his son, Bryan, to leave the Toronto Raptors to help rebuild the Cubs. Some talent is already in place, such as top draft pick Jeff Samardja. For that matter, Andrea Bargnani would be an improvement for the Cubs.

Mark Cuban - The guy has more money than he knows what to do with, so any time a team is up for sale, his name is linked to it. Having been rebuffed in his efforts to buy his hometown Pirates, Cuban might settle for a slightly more talented team. Watch out, George Steinbrenner, you may soon have only the second-highest payroll in baseball.

Bill Murray - Yes, that Bill Murray. Waking up every morning as the owner of the Cubs just might give Murray the feeling that it actually is Groundhog Day every day.

In other news, the Yankess and Mets may soon petition the league to use aluminum bats. This would come as a result of NYC Mayor Mike Bloomberg saying he would veto a bill to ban metal bats from high school baseball in the city's school system. This might entice Roger Clemens to play for the Yankees, so the next time he faced Mike Piazza and threw a bat at him, the message would be delivered even more clearly. Also, no word yet on whether this change would help A-Rod's playoff batting average.

Happy Opening Day

2007-04-02T12:13:00.000-04:00

What is my favorite day of the year for watching sports? Some common answers are wrong for me. The Super Bowl is out. The game itself is often pretty boring, and then there's the surrounding nonsense and inevitable involvement of Chris Berman. January 1st, and its cavalcade of well sponsored College Football games, is tempting. But the BCS has taken the best games away from New Year's Day and a lot of the excitement with them. None of the all-star games or draft days really do it for me. And both of those really stretch the idea of "watching sports". Plus, there's the Chris Berman problem again.

I find myself coming down to three choices: First Sunday of football season, first weekend of the NCAA tournament, and Baseball's Opening Day. Maybe this year's tournament has left me forgetting how exciting those first few days can be, but I'm going to eliminate the NCAA for two reasons. First, it isn't really one day; it's four (or two, at least, if you are only counting the first round). Any one of those days, while interesting, just isn't enough. Secondly, there is no way to avoid hearing "dude, my bracket is totally screwed," at least one hundred times. I don't care that your 5-seed national champion got ousted in the first round by some team from America East, and I don't want to hear about it while I'm trying to buy my next pitcher of lager.

This leaves me with two very similar days. No matter what analysis I do, I know I'm going to end up picking Opening Day. Maybe it's because I just like baseball better than football, or because I have far more memories connected with it, but I'd like to think it's something more. The beginning of baseball is the beginning of summer. It's the beginning of a long leisurely journey towards a goal far in the future. Almost every day for almost seven months will have at least one baseball game for me to watch. Baseball is a lot more like the average person's life, I think, than football. There's an occasional high moment and there's a lot of stuff going on all the time that seems kind of mundane but matters a lot when all is said and done.

Happy Opening Day. If you aren't a Royals, Nationals, or Devil Rays fan you have hope today that might not be there tomorrow. Good luck.