Yes He Exists!!

The Case Of Molested Pigeon

2012-02-21T01:41:00.001-08:00

Pigeons – the symbol of peace, grace and serenity. When you have a good glance at this angel-like bird covered with mystique white feathers, lots of things comes in your mind like environment protection, world harmony, peaceful presence etc. etc. (Don’t blah blah me you douchebag…….) But one thing of which I am sure won’t ever come to your mind whenever you think of this angelic bird is; beating the crap out of it. No, I mean ‘literally’ beating the crap out of it. But then, I keep forgetting that you are dumber than you look (which I assume you have found out till now). So, probably you have forgotten till now that we are dealing with the ‘third kind’ here.

Like most of my roommate’s errand, this one also happened in my absence, long before I had met him. Once he opened with me enough, (You fucking faggot, always thinking on dirty lines!) he told me a series of extraordinary and bizarre stories which gave me the idea to create this blog and this tale is from some of the earliest ones.

Okay, enough chit chat. (I know half of you witless branies have no idea what I keep writing, but still, you come here to read my stuff \M/) Now I shall share the astonishing ‘case of molested pigeon’ from a second person perspective (Please don’t try to grab a literature book now, it’s too late)

It just happened that my roommate used to sleep very late in the night or we can say, early in the morning for obvious reasons (Run your imagination horses now folks!). As a consequence, his awakening time was also late in the porning……. I mean morning……… typing mistake. The thing was, when he used to go to the bed, he used to be tired like hell for obvious reasons (run, run, spank your horse!). Now I want you to imagine something (I assume you are good at least in this one thing). Imagine, you are tired, so much tired that every single bone in your body is screaming for mercy and you are going to sleep on a soft and cozy bed. The moment you go deep in your sweetest dreams, you hear something. You hear the flapping of wings which, for a moment, you presume is the sound of masturbating. The sound increases gradually; flap..flap…flap…FLAP!!! And gone is the dream, gone is your friend’s girlfriend who was about to get naked……… ignore the last sentence……..

Now you are angry. You are angry like hell because you won’t be able to sleep that peacefully again. When you try to look at the origin of that fucking sound, you see a pigeon. Yes, a pigeon; staring at you blankly, as if challenging you to stop it. Imagine the intensity of such an incident if it keeps happening to you for several days. What will you do then? How you will tackle such an innocent and graceful bird who just can’t stop spoiling your beautiful sleep? Will you close the window? Will you feed it outside the room? WHAT EXACTLY WILL YOU DO? It was the very thing which happened with my roommate. He beat the crap out of it.

True story, after three days of suffering, he was unable to take it any longer. He was annoyed by the bird for two things; it won’t let him sleep at any cost and if it got stuck in the fan, he didn’t want its blood and flesh splattered on his face. So he planned to end it once and for all.

When the bird entered the room at fourth day, little it knew that the devil a.k.a. my roommate was awoke and ready to strike back. As soon as the pigeon put its tiny little claw on the room’s floor, my roommate quickly closed the windows. Without any further ado, he picked up an wooden stick (I have no idea why the fuck he keep that wooden stick in the room. Maybe I am next) and started beating the bird. The angelic pigeon which many consider a symbol of peace and harmony was beaten brutally with a stick……… I hope you are figuring all this in your mind. It was a whole new experience for the white saint; being beaten to crap. Either the poor bird was scared to hell or it became so much offensive that it adopted the literal meaning of its condition. It crapped all over my roommate’s bed. Enraged by this scandalous behavior, my roommate was completely consumed by devil’s soul and he increased the beating to 2X. The bird dutifully followed his beating pattern and started crapping proportionately.

Finally, a time came when the devil got bored of it and left my roommate’s body and hence, the beating stopped. Drenched in sweat and exhausted with such a tiresome effort, my roommate opened the windows. The bird left the room faster than a lightning bolt and was never seen again. Thus, the case of molested bird was made…….. I never said it was solved……..

It was a warning; a warning to all the small and delicate birds who take human beings for granted and behave obscenely with them like crapping on your most favorite shirt or something like that as if we are their personal property. It marked my roommate a legend who started this without anyone’s help and won the fight. His meaning was clear and a source of inspiration for all of us: BEWARE BIRDIES! WE ARE COMING TO FUCK YOU!!

*Technical text. No need to read: 5GRHWT593X3P

He Is A MUSLIM!! OH MY LAWWDD!!!

2012-01-24T09:15:00.000-08:00

Of course he is not a Muslim you dumb faggot, otherwise I would had never dared to write that title. Don't strain yourself much. Your brain cells are not capable of manipulating such complex facts and may explode. What? I am insulting and mocking your mental capabilities by stating indirectly that you are a dumb witted, half brained poor guy? No! That is not an insult but a bitter(?) truth! Don't believe me? Okay, let me prove it. For instance, I bet you have hardly noticed that in my previous entry, when I was explaining the kinds of people, I used the word ‘kind’ only once while briefing about the first category. For the second and third ones, I used ‘type’ instead of ‘kind’ which rather sounds very inhumane, cruel and cold hearted in terms of a living being especially a human being. All right Sherlock, no need to jump quickly to my previous entry and look for that. It only makes you much sillier than you look. Moral of the story is, yup, my point is proved………… NA NA NA NANA NA NA NA NANA………..

Okay, back to the concerned topic. So, you must be wondering why I said that the guy in focus is a Muslim. Actually, I thought he was Muslim. It just happened that before meeting him for the first time, my hostel warden told me his name in such a queer accent that I was forced to think he must be a Muslim. Immediately, the pictures of Bin Laden, Saddam and all those badass Islamic guys started to cross my mind in a slide show. Sitting in my room and waiting for him, I fumbled nervously my cloth bag trying to distract my thoughts of picturing him. But as it is with all the super creative guys, even when my hands were busy, (in fumbling the bag of course…….. you dirty, dirty boy...... or girl.) my mind formed a conception of him without my permission; heavily bearded (they all are bearded, aren’t they?), white like one of those dumb ass Americans….. Or Europeans……. Or whatever exists in those western countries (Or in Kashmir, because in rest of the world, Muslims are as brown as baked wafers.), wearing that typical black Kurta and Pyjama usually worn by the mutton selling Mamoos across the street, muttering Urdu words all the time, doing Namaz ‘n’ number of times in a day etc.

So you see, I was not really jolly with the prospect of living with a Muslim guy because face it, you will never want to share anything with one of them, will you? Lost in these thoughts, I suddenly heard someone was banging the door. Hurriedly, I reached for it and opened it. There he was, fulfilling only one out of five criteria I had expected; he was white for an Indian. But not that queer and scary white, just white like normal white…… like that white……aaah god damn it, it’s hard to explain.

He was holding a CPU in his hands. As soon as I opened the door, he rushed inside and put the CPU on floor. “Hi, I am Shubhang” I said nervously. Despite misunderstanding him for a Muslim, I was also his junior with a gap of three years, so no attitude and funkiness or that kind of shit in the first meeting. The guy was busy rummaging his wardrobe and while doing that he told me his name (Which when I searched on net, found that actually is a pure Hindi word for flower of god....found in heaven...its serenity and beauty can dwell only there.... I can’t say how much relieved I was). I was just about to ask him something else when he abruptly turned to me and asked sharply, “Where are my books? Where are my certificates?” I stammered and tried to reply, “I….. Well….um…”. My mind was wildly thinking of some defensive posture from the numerous video games I had played in case the guy attacks. But that passed. I was just about to take a deep breath when he shouted again, “Fucking Mausi! She did it again!” and dashed out of room like a lightning bolt. I was baffled and my mind had become numb from the recent events. Slowly, I sat down and started to analyze what just had happened. I came up with two conclusions: This guy is a Ninja and has gone after some baddy named Mausi for revenge.

It was like a dream come true. I had just started to picture the final battle when he came back. “Sorry for that” he said, smiling, “It’s just that I have left some of my books and certificates in the wardrobe and Mausi threw them thinking they were garbage while cleaning the room.” I asked (to show my concern), “So? Now what?” “Nothing” he said coolly, “I will manage it.” He still had to get some stuffs back to room from one of his friend’s apartment, so he went away.

This was how I met your mother……ooopssss….. I mean, this was how I met that guy belonging to the third kind. It was a very strange introduction and from that day onwards, we didn’t need any more of it. That very encounter was first of a series of extraordinary events which happened with us. Mostly it consists of his bizarre experiences of this world, but sometimes, it also consists of my baffling involvements with….well…….this world…….

Hope you liked this post. From my next entry, I will be sharing about all those experiences which I am damn sure that you have never heard of or even have imagined. Good night and sweet dreams……… Ya I know, that sweet dream part sounds really gay…………..

And Then I Met The Third Kind............

2012-01-23T09:21:00.000-08:00

As I said above, you meet many type of people in your life. Let’s analyse this fact in detail:

The first kind are those guys who always look straight forward. They are very rigid to pursue their ambitions and goals and are die hardy to fulfil them at any cost. They are very concentrated and focused on what they do.......................
In other words, they are those stereotype ass holes who constitute a very minor part of society (I know what you are thinking; I should have written majority instead of minority but seriously, you think our society is that good and ideal and not made up of douche bags and intellectual nerds?). According to our parents, they are milestones for being successful and proud and honorable and all that shit. Yes, they can nag about it on and on till eternity <sigh>. But well, they are the respectable part of our society and we shouldn't insult them........... no matter how much you want to say on their face, "Go, fuck yourself you sonofabitch"..............

The second type is, well, all the rest of 'majority' people; Struggling actors, struggling job seeking mouse-faced freshers, struggling students who struggle to understand the highly fucked up sums of Maths and annoyingly pain-in-the-butt subjects of Physics and Chemistry, struggling whores....... oops...... my bad...... well, etc.
Then there are those repulsive looking bosses and Principals and team leaders who know about their respective work as much as they know to wipe their ass after an elongated constipation session. My point is, (Yes I know. You can stop cursing me. Its not as boring as it seems. Just be patient you motherfucking son of a slut.) this other type is no less than the first type which makes them, well, that's really not that hard you dumb faggot, ASSHOLES!!

Okay, raise your objections, but that is the truth....... the bitter (?) truth....... The minority is asshole, the majority is asshole, which practically makes everyone belonging to this society an asshole (Don't try to deceive yourself. Next time, when your inner pride tells you that you are a proud member of this proud society, you can tell it proudly that you are nothing more than a proud'ed' asshole.). But think! Imagine! Is it really so? Is our society doomed and is on verge of extinction then? No my friend! It had happened before and happens now. Whenever the world is in danger, an awesome and dashing looking guy comes to save it! (Except Moses who was super ugly unlike Noah who was an old bastard but was handsome all the same.......... I wont comment on Jesus, they have already molested him brutally enough in South Park) If you are still wondering at what I am trying to say, slap yourself hard and say it to yourself, "I will read at least one book in my entire fucked up life." because I know that apart from Playboy and Debonair, you have 'proudly' never felt the need to touch any other book including your text books. You super-duper bastard.......
So what I was saying? Yes...... The saviors....... the defenders, the conservators, the good Samaritans........ They exist in today's modern world! They are among us! The probability is, one of them may be sitting right next to you! (Calm down you dumb ass. You may crack your neck bone.) And those are the third type.

In my next entry, I will share my experience of a guy who belongs to that 'third' type. Till then, keep watching for this page. (As I assume you have no life, no girlfriend, are unemployed and belong to one of the most wasted scums on this planet. I see no other reason why you give your precious time to read my blog about someone who has nothing to do with you.)

Till then, good night and sleep tight........ alone....... or with your mommy............. :-)