But on Sunday, my psychology professor decided to post the scores for the midterm we took last week online. I checked my score first thing in the morning when I went online. I wasn’t especially pleased with the score I got, but it was okay. I would just do better next time for the “A” I must get in this class.

Three hours later, my psych professor sent out a mass email saying that there was a mix-up with the scores and he uploaded a new version of the accurate scores online. So I went back to check my score and became devastated–I was more than a standard deviation below the mean. Obviously, the first thing I did was write an email to my professor to ask if there was any mistake, and in five minutes I received the reply, “I am afraid that is your score.”

I was in shock. On one hand, I still did not fully believe that was my score because I didn’t feel I performed that poorly, but on the other hand, the professor had written to me that it was my score. I tried to move on and study for the midterm I had on Monday, but I couldn’t focus.

An hour later, another email appeared in my inbox saying the scores were messed up again and that they had been taken down from the website. I had tears falling in relief and frustration.

Three hours after that, the scores were uploaded again and I had the same score I had in the morning. Three hours from that, my psych professor wrote to me, “You actually got ___, an excellent score. Hope you didn’t jump off anything tall.” I had to smile at that.

This really does give a whole new meaning to “psych.”

So how do I get through the day having to study one course after another? I manage to find some retaining interest in the material. Here is what I think (or I will myself to think) about these courses:

Psychology: It’s psych. It’s about humans such as me. It’s interesting, although very skewed to the western world. But it’s interesting.

Madness and Medicine (History of Science): It was kind of bland in the beginning (you should really like asylums before taking this course), but I like learning about history and we are getting to the effect of psychiatry on war veterans. That’s interesting.

Physics (electromagnetism): Although I am not one for physics (simply put, physics ranks the lowest of the three sciences), the material is somewhat interesting. It explains how the electrical/digital world works, which is pretty cool considering we are using so many electrical appliances. People should know about how things around them work, so this course is pretty crucial to just understanding the world.

Organic chemistry (biochemistry): I actually really like this course. The material relates organic chemistry to reactions that occur in our body, which is pretty neat. We have examples of things that actually occur, so that captures my interest. Plus, it’s definitely not as hard as last semester’s organic chemistry class, which is a sigh of relief. It might be because my study habits improved, but I also think that the material is easier to understand.

Obviously, there are things I don’t like about each class too, but I find that I am much more productive when I think about how a class is cool and interesting rather than how it’s boring and tiring.

In the morning of this blizzard, I was in the science center listening to a lecture on capacitors, resistors, and physics in general. As an anecdote in relation to learning about the ground acting as a big capacitor, our professor told us a story about what happened to him when he was cleaning out his garage.

Basically, as he was wiping this metal screen in his garage, he suddenly could not control what he was doing anymore and just felt himself shaking. He continued cleaning and felt himself shaking again. In the beginning, he thought that he was having a seizure, but then became wiser and thought that maybe he felt an electric shock. So at that point in time, he took out his voltmeter and measured the metal that he was cleaning and an aluminum trashcan nearby. Sure enough, charges were going from high potential of the metal to the low potential of the trashcan.

At this point in time, the whole class was bursting out in laughter. Only a physics professor would (1) have a voltmeter handy (2) measure conductance after feeling an electric charge.

It’s the job of the section leader to make the class interesting and keep the student’s attention. The laptop is a tool to enhance learning.

I’m pretty peeved that I cannot use my laptop in one of my sections. It isn’t that I will die without my laptop, but rather than having to waste paper and pen writing out notes and then eventually typing it out again on my laptop, I can just save everything on my laptop and review there. It saves time, paper, and ink.

On a side note, I am happy with my decision to pursue neurobiology rather than psychology.

Today when I woke up, I told myself, “I’m tired. I’ll exercise later.”

So tonight, I felt guilty. I had told myself this semester that I was going to start a new exercise regimen and if it died within one week, that really shows just how weak-willed I am. So I forced myself to go down to the gym and I used the elliptical for an hour, while watching a bizarre show called Burn Notice and then switching to Project Runway. Seriously, if you exercise, exercise with the TV. That really takes the mind off of the pain.

When I came back to my dorm, I was a bit tired, but I felt rejuvenated. That is really how exercise goes! You feel tired, but then after you are finished, everything feels better. Your blood is pumping again and you feel more awake. You feel happier.

This may really only be the placebo effect, but I seriously think that exercise has made me happier. I think it has helped me manage all the classwork I have been doing and helped me to not bang my head every second when I get frustrated, and really helped me not to give into watching Hulu anymore.

The sad thing is, the only reason I started exercising is because I realized my health deteriorated from last semester. All I did last semester was sit on my butt and never really move (when I went to class, I always took the shuttle), and when I went home for winter break, I realized my circulation was not that good. I would always get cold hands and feet no matter where I was and that could only be due to lack of exercise. So be healthy! Exercise!

I haven’t been procrastinating at all recently. The above is the reason. I still have to modify my schedule so that I am spending 10 hours on research per week.

I also still have two hours of extracurriculars to schedule in per week and another two hours bi-weekly.

Plus, I have two dance performances that I must rehearse extra for.

This is a prime moment in my life to exclaim, “I’m screwed.”

Thus, I usually buy my books online or from other students, since they are drastically cheaper. Also, I always try to resell my books to other students later so that I can hopefully get all my money if not some of my money back. Sometimes, I also try to resell my textbook for a profit, but with new editions coming out every year, this can be tricky.

Although Ebay is a good way to buy textbooks for cheap at times, I like to search through all other book companies before going to Ebay, mainly because of convenience and efficiency. Ebay uses an auction style, so I sometimes have to wait a few days to see if I won a book, and winning a book is not a guarantee. I would rather just click “buy” on another website, input my billing information, and then know that the book would arrive within a week.

I primarily use book finder search engines instead to scour the web for the cheapest options. This includes a website I recently found called Bookfinder. I am also fine with buying the international edition of books, which are usually exactly the same as the US edition except for a big “International Edition” label across the cover. These versions are sometimes half the price of the US edition. Textbookrus seems to stock plenty of international edition books.

The only hole in all these online searches is when there is a customized coursepack or sourcebook that a class requires. These texts are usually made by the college and sold only at the college with a non-refundable policy. In cases like these, I am trying to find if I can borrow such a book and just scan in all the pages.

This semester, I have decided (actually more like forced) to be on top of my work. That means no wasting time and hardly any partying. Unlike last semester, when I was on top of my work for the first few weeks and then slowly stopped reading the textbook (big mistake for physics), I should continue reading and understanding everything I can. I also need to be more proactive in clubs. I realize that may be one of the reasons I was passed up on being chosen for a director position. I need to show people I am willing to work, even if I do not have the position yet, rather than working hard after I get the position. I guess I am more motivated to do so because I am actually more focused now. I know what I want out of my clubs and which clubs. Last semester, I was still very wishy-washy on what I wanted and cared about.

Besides academics, I also need to exercise and eat better. I realized I have gained fat; not necessarily weight, but this may be because I’m losing muscle while I’m gaining fat. This has caused my circulation to go down hill. My hands and feet are perpetually cold, which could either mean I have a disease or that my circulation is poor. I like to go with the latter, since that is correctable. In regards to that, I am hoping to run at least thirty minutes a day and keep to this diet:

Breakfast: Cereal (Special K or Total) with milk, self-made yogurt parfait with plain yogurt and sliced up fresh fruit, a glass of milk or water, vitamin tablet.

Lunch: Sandwich (made during breakfast; melted cheese on top of two slices of turkey and salad lettuce with whole wheat bread), a bag of pretzels, orange or banana (and maybe the occasional apple), and a bottle of water. I have to make due with what I have, and if it means getting in my veggies by putting it on top of my sandwich, that’s what I will do. I realized that I hate eating salads, and I guess I should not force myself to eat something if I do not like it in the least bit.

Dinner: A bowl or rice with cooked mixed vegetables, grilled chicken or other meats depending on how healthy the meat selection is, one or two cups of water, orange or apple.

Brain break/snack after dinner: A bag of pretzels and/or an orange, water

Let’s see how far I get. I hope I still have the same self-control I had when I went on a diet a few years ago.

Yesterday, I attempted to read another paper, but as soon as I saw the unfamiliar names and terms popping up, I decided to seek out advice on how to actually understand the paper. After all, there was no point spending an inordinate amount of time doing something if there was a more efficient and effective way to perform the same task.

In the end, after searching online for tips and asking my sister and my dad, I found my dad to be the most helpful. Fortunately for me, my dad had worked in the research field for a number of years, so reading papers should be much easier for him. I sat down with my dad and went through one paper. After that session, I finally knew how to read a paper easily.

1. Read the abstract. This part is pretty obvious, since the abstract is a summary of the paper to come. It helps you understand what you will be reading about so you have an idea of what to look out for.
2. Read the introduction. Get an idea of why the paper is written.
3. Read the methods. This part may be hard, especially if you have not worked in a lab before and know the protocols used, but this helps you understand what was actually done. Plus, this part is usually short; a paragraph to a page at the most.
4. Look at the graphs and legends. Instead of reading through the results, which are basically descriptions, just look at the graphs and legends. These are the actual results. If you understand these, you understand what was discovered. Only if you don’t actually understand the graphs, then look at the description.
5. Read the discussion. Finish the paper and look at what the implications of the results mean (the author’s interpretation) and what else can be done in the future.
6. If you do not understand the paper, read a review. If you cannot understand the paper at all, read a review paper that goes over the topic first. This will help you build up enough knowledge in order to understand what was being performed and discovered in the actual scientific paper.

This may seem pretty straightforward and obvious, but in the beginning, I just read a paper straight through. I did not look at the graphs to really understand the actual data, since I thought the description should be enough. This was a bad idea. Even if I understood the paper, the failure to look at the graphs allowed me to forget the results much faster. I realized that since people took the trouble of organizing their data in order to help other scientists to understand, the results should be easier to remember in that format as well.

I have to read a couple more papers today, so I will be testing this new found method of mine.

My bad habit came back as soon as I felt the fear of potentially failing. I started to blame other people for my failure last semester. I blamed my dad for pressuring me to take a physics course when I did not want to. I blamed that decision for my demise. I blamed my parents’ influence on changing my original plan from taking biology to taking physics. But I didn’t blame myself.

My dad took what I had to say and let me go as I stormed out of the room, angry at myself and angry at the difficulty of how all these processes were. When I was finally calm enough, he shared a poem with me.

You Can If You Think You Can!

If you think you are beaten, you are,
If you think you dare not, you don’t.
If you like to win, but you think you can’t,
It is almost certain you won’t.

If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost,
For out in the world we find,
Success begins with a fellow’s will.
It’s all in the state of mind.

If you think you are outclassed, you are,
You’ve got to think high to rise,
You’ve got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.

Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man.
But soon or late the man who wins,
Is the man who thinks he can.

~ C. W. Longenecker ~

I guess I feel better now. I at least know that I have the possibility of succeeding. Rather than focusing on where I could fail, I’ll concentrate more on where I can succeed.