Yoga-Love-Multiple Sclerosis

Yes, I am perky despite everything. Why? Because I'm alive.

2010-04-19T10:44:00.000-07:00

It was brought to my attention recently that I'm always very chipper and don't talk a lot about having MS. I think it's important to share what it's really like for me living with it.

I am a naturally positive person, but, I also work very hard at being perky. Anyone could look at my life at the moment and feel sorry for me: single mum, small apartment, not much money, incurable disease. I focus my mind on having a good attitude and being in gratitude, because if I didn't, I know what would happen. I would go down a very negative path that would be very hard to come back from. I went down that path when Emily and Elliot were very young and it was horrible. That's another story for another time maybe.

I choose not to talk about my symptoms all the time, cos talking about them gives them power and turns me into a victim. I am not a victim nor will I ever be. Period. I am strong, I'm a Rugby midlands girl (think Trainspotting with an English accent, and ecstasy instead of heroin), we can take care of ourselves. Sure, I'm soft, gentle and very patient, but I will not be controlled by any disease or anyone. You can push and push and push me, but when push comes to shove, I will find my inner fire and will power and I will get what I need to survive with grace and integrity.

Yesterday, at Walk MS, I was reminded of the potential devastation of MS. Before the walk, a man talked about his wife who died last year from MS related complications. She was 52. He said she was the love of his life. We had a moment of silence for everyone who has died from MS related complications this last year.

That made me cry and makes me scared. I know we all die. But I don't want to die young or be disabled. I want to stay strong and healthy and continue to play with my kids.

Just because I don't talk about my symptoms all the time, doesn't mean that there aren't any. My right hand has numbness all the time and especially when I'm tired. Also when I'm tired my vision gets blurry in my right eye. When I go for a hike, after about 20 mins, my legs get wobbly. A couple of times recently I've had to walk back to the car holding onto my friend for support. I'm 36. I've watched that happen this last couple of years. So although I'm in remission, the disease is slowly, slowly progressing.

The NMSS talks about 'Living with MS'. That's just it. You live with it. It doesn't go away like a cold or a bug. Even when it's in remission, it's there all the time, you just get good at ignoring it or making decisions to not let it control you.

For example, last week my kids and I drove to LA to Disney Land. Not only was it a big deal cos it was us on our first vacation together as a family of three, but it was also massive doing that trip as someone with MS. It is vital for someone with MS to get lots of rest and keep the central nervous system calm. I probably 'shouldn't' have done it. (I'm not 'supposed' to do long haul flights, but I don't adhere to that either...jet lag - too shocking for the body and the air pressure causes the lesions in the brain to swell).

Before I went on the rides at Disney, I said a prayer asking God to take care of my spine and central nervous system. I chose to ride every ride even though I probably 'shouldn't' (jarring for spine). I was so grateful for the experience, cos, it did cross my mind that I don't know if I'll be well enough to do it again. (Note: it crossed my mind several times, but I honestly do not believe that will be true, I am strong and I will be running around Disney Land and the whole world for years and years to come. I quickly switched that thought around and thanked God for the experience of being there with my beautiful kids).

A few weeks ago, when I started back to work by day four I had a relapse. My symptoms were in full force - blurred vision, weakness and numbness in limbs, spasticity in right arm and hand, and fatigue. I knew what was going on and why, so I rested, made schedule changes and the following week was ok again.

It doesn't stop at making choices about what to do - like going on rides, flights, to bed late, back to work full-time - it relates to everything I ingest too. Every time I put anything in my body, I ask myself "is this good for me?" and I stop and evaluate how it could affect me - from something as small as an iced water (ice=bad, shocks digestive system) to a potato (too much sugar=bad for CNS). Also what and when to listen to music, watch tv etc - if I'm tired, I consciously decide whether to have music on to stimulate my CNS or to be quiet to let it rest etc.

When you see that I'm perky, know that I am, and know how hard I work to be in this place -constant thought monitoring, replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, prayer, yoga, diet, sleep, salt baths, reiki, vitamins.

When I was first diagnosed, they didn't know if it was an inoperable brain tumor or MS. For two weeks I lived wondering how long I would have with my kids. Now I have lived with MS for nine years and although I'm not looking death in the face, he's at the back of my mind - that's what motivates me to live so consciously. And, sometimes, like being at the walk yesterday and praying for everyone who have died from MS related illnesses, he's right here in front of me.

I have learned so much from living with this disease, mainly about the importance and fragility of life. About being fair and kind, and being the very best I can possibly be to all people at all times, including myself. Also about not worrying about the small stuff, like getting stressed out about breaking a plate or taking a wrong road. I've learned the importance of being happy and free, however that looks - a road trip to LA with my kids, or being alone in my teeny apartment when my kids are at their father's place.

So yes, I am perky despite everything. Why? Simple. Because I'm alive. And what an incredible gift life is. We get one chance at it. And I am making sure that I make the most of every single second.

Namaste,

xxxx

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LIVING IN GRATITUDE: here's what I do, you're welcome to copy it and add your own categories. It's super powerful at switching up your attitude and making you grateful for the small stuff in life. Then the bigger stuff seems less scary.

I also take a bunch of vitamins and supplements that help keep me balanced emotionally and physically. They help me sleep well, thus play well and keep a clear head. I'm not going to list them here cos would hate to get into some kind of trouble, but if you are interested in knowing what they are or seeing my traditional Tibetan physician, let me know.

THE EXERCISE:

Every morning I say a prayer asking for help and strength for a safe and positive day. I offer gratitude for my life, for my kids, parents, friends, teachers, career, abundance, nature, safety, strength and health. And, throughout the day, I work at catching myself going into negative thought patterns and consciously turn them into positive thoughts when I notice them.

Throughout the day, as often as I can, I say thank you for anything I can think to thank. The wind in the trees, the cosy sweater I'm wearing, the computer I'm typing on. Then, at the end of the day, when I'm falling asleep, I go through a mental thank you list for the day that's been, my safe travels, the phone call from my friend, the unexpected gift, the great parking spot.

xxxxxx

Unseen Street Signs

2010-04-05T10:14:00.001-07:00

The Universe/God gives us signs all the time. They're like sign posts on the street, directing us which way to go. When we are open and paying attention, we cruise along in life.

However, when we fail to observe signs or chose not to see them, life gets complicated and messy until God knocks us over the head with something that forces us to pay attention and make us change our patterns of behavior or alter something that's not working in our lives.

We've all experienced it...6pm, tired, making dinner, juggling kids/pets/homework/trying to get out somewhere on time. CRASH. We drop a plate. Smashed china everywhere. The situation forces us to stop. It's a perfect little sign - no-one was hurt, nothing serious happened, but it's like pressing the reset button: "Guys, chill out. Focus. Come back to the present."

SOMETIMES SIGNS ARE BIGGER

Like a couple of weeks ago when I started back to work full-time. By the fourth day my MS symptoms were hardcore - blurred vision in right eye, spasticity in right hand, numbness in arm and legs, fatigue and sadness - you can't really get much clearer than that...As strong as my body is, it is fragile, and in order to maintain my strength and health, I have to tread a fine line. I got the lesson and changed the situation (two or three days a week of SF film PR, the other days yoga) a week later, am good and strong again. And sitting here reflecting on it.

Had another biggie on Saturday at Little League. Sitting with my friends watching my son and his little mates have a blast at baseball when five minutes in my ex showed up with his girlfriend, flanked by his brother visiting from England and his sister from Seattle. It was the first time I've seen my ex and his girlfriend together as a couple - I've known her for a few years and saw the chemistry between them when he and I were married, so that wasn't it. But it was, of course, hard seeing them together at my son's game. The toughest part though, was that she was part of the family instead of me.

My ex has a strong family. Four siblings, close in age. Strong personalities, strong family resemblances, when you see them together it's like seeing a blonde mafia family strut their stuff. They have a strong bond that fluctuates between love and hate according to whose in favor at any particular time. Being part of that family was a big deal for me because it was so different to my own - me, my lovely big bro, and chilled-out drama-free mum and dad.

I've known my ex's family for 20+ years. My brother is best friend's with the fourth sibling who wasn't there on Saturday, he's actually more a part of our family that theirs. There was no contact made during the game. It was as if we had never met.

Meditation to 'get' the sign and move on

Obviously this was a sign of some sort. But, on Saturday I wasn't sure what it meant. I knew that I needed to process it and 'get' it pretty fast in order to move on. So, I did the meditation technique described below.

During the meditation I cried and released the ties of being part of that family, and eliminated any feelings of grief that I'd been carrying.

At the end of the meditation I felt a huge sense of love and support, and felt happier and more supported than I have for years. I realized that I'm part of a much bigger family, the family of God/of the Universe. I felt, and continue to feel free, strong and powerful.

The key is to NOTICE THE SIGNS

From dropping a plate, to getting sick or being in uncomfortable situations, if we can step back and observe the signs, we can get closer to ourselves, closer to God, closer to our Higher Beings and closer to living our Highest Truth. There's no room for dishonesty or lies. And that, I believe, is our ultimate goal this life, because when we're living our ultimate truth, there's only room for love and kindness.

Right?

Love Always,

xoxoxo

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MEDITATION/VISUALIZATION for

*CONTACT with the Higher Self wisdom with an particular question

*FOR ANY difficult or negative personal habit or pattern

*TO CONTACT for understanding and balance of the female and male aspects

GARDEN VISUALIZATION (have a pen a paper handy)

Start with regular full breaths, feeling all areas of the body relax with each breath. When your feelings calm, and you even get drowsy, allow your imagination to move you outside to a very special garden. Here is the symbolization of all the thoughts and events of your life and patterns. Certain plants may have thorns, others droopy needing attention. Some need pruning or even pulling out. What is in bud and what is in full bloom? This is a wonderful place to visit at any time. You can find a bough to sit beneath or a pretty brook to sit besides. You can see various paths. Some are clean and well kept. Others are over grown. There may be interesting stepping stones.

Intuitively you know that each path will lead to a special area of study or answers. Choose an appealing path. It may take you to a sanctuary site, a place of remembrance or a comfortable place to sit and state your present need.

Who or what representation do you want to see? When the requested presence arrives, be aware of every detail.

Is it male or female or a feeling? Is it a replica of someone you now or from the past? Carefully describe expressions, actions and any apparel. What more do you sense?

Ask the following basic questions according to your need. Take time and listen to the answers...

1. Who are you or what do you represent?

2. Where did you originate?

3. What do you want with me?

4. How best can I balance or care for this issue?

5. Perhaps ask for a special message or symbol or gift.

Feel gratitude and 'get' the lesson/answers.

Return to the main garden. Note any changes. After moving back into the physical body, sit quietly and reflect upon your experience.

Breathe and arrive home.

xoxoxoxoxooxox

Karma Yoga: the achievement of union with the Supreme Universal Soul -God- through action

2010-03-14T15:35:00.000-07:00

Karma Yoga: the achievement of union with the God through action.

Today was the closest I have gotten to God through serving others in my life ever. The feeling is so intense that I'm crying so hard I can't see the screen to read.

I feel like I've done it. I'm sure this sounds super dramatic, but I can honestly say that if I were to die tonight, I'd be peaceful in the knowledge that I have served God. I achieved union with the Supreme Universal Soul. I have served the best I could serve.

It probably doesn't sound like much, but today I trained nine yoga teachers how to go out into the world and teach yoga to people with MS. Imagine if they each teach just one class a week of just five students, that would be 45 people living with MS that indirectly I'm helping. 45 individuals who will be more relaxed, more likely to heal, happier and stronger. And imagine if they teach three classes a week, or go on to become teachers for the NMSS? The possibilities are endless.

I love yoga. I know first-hand how it heals and can change lives.

Yoga and MS have given me the ability to be honest, open, truthful, loving and kind. They have given me strength; physically, emotionally and mentally. My body is strong, my mind is focused, my emotions are balanced, alert and alive. Yoga and MS have led me to step into my masculine as well as feminine by being strong enough to go back to work full-time and provide financially for my children as well as living my life to the fullest.

But ultimately, through the lessons and experiences over this last nine years, they've given me connection with God.

And that, is why I'm crying. It was serving others today that hit that connection home to me. And, there are truly no words that can describe this feeling that I'm feeling. I wish you were here so I could hug you to show you how I feel. Or so you could see the tears.

What's Your Karma Yoga?

I pray and hope that you don't ever have to get sick to find your connection with yourself and God. I pray that your path unfolds easier for you. What's your Karma Yoga - your union to God through action for others? What have you done in your life or what do you do in your life so that if you were to die tonight, you'd feel like you had served.

Isn't that what we're here for? To be kind? To help others? To live to our full potential?

The Light In Me Honors The Light in You,

Namaste,

xxxx

Yoga-Love-Multiple Stories

2010-03-03T00:58:00.000-08:00

Let's celebrate our stories...

I've been thinking a lot recently about living with MS and what role it plays in my life, and you know what, I've realized that it really isn't that important. It's just one of the stories in my life. I live with MS, but everyone lives with something.

The important questions are this: what have I learned from living with MS? And what positive differences am I bringing to the world as a result of it?

What's Your Story?

We all have stories. Lots of them. Stories from our childhood, stories from being teenagers, stories from our jobs and relationships. There are times in our life that are hard. Period. We all have 'stuff'.

This may well be very obvious to you, and you might well have got this concept years ago. But it's like peeling an onion for me. I thought that I had a pretty good grip on what it's all about. But recently, I've peeled yet another layer off my onion and have gotten slightly closer to an understanding.

An Ivory Tower

I've realized that before I got divorced and lived alone, I was living in an ivory tower of privilege. Sure, it wasn't a bed of roses, or I wouldn't be divorced, but I was still in a bubble of not having to deal with practical life, which, being a floaty and challenged in the grounded department, was a hugely helpful bubble... (bills, money, taxes, car, computer, home stuff all taken care of). I had two problems: MS and being married to wrong person.

Now I'm out in the world alone, the MS is a minor issue. I've got much bigger fish to fry, like how to pay next month's rent; how to make sure my children are taken care of, when half the time they're not with me, and I have no say in their upbringing; and, now my 18 months of transitioning to single life is over, how to establish myself as a respectable, together, working single mother.

Everyone Has Their Stuff

As I said, everyone has something they're dealing with, and it's all relative. What's big to one person doesn't mean anything to another, but there are things that many of us will deal with at some point in our lives, like job loss, relationships ending and sickness, and, something's that we will all have to deal with, such as the death of a loved one and ultimately our own death.

So, how are we going to deal with these challenges? Are we going to let them break us? Get us down? Make us bitter and twisted? Or, once we've accepted the situation and that change is inevitable, can we learn our lessons, move on, help others and celebrate what we do have? Looking at the bigger picture, we're here for such a short time, is it possible to live gracefully and lovingly, so that when we're old looking back we can be proud of how we conducted our lives?

NMSS

I am fortunate to be very healthy, the MS is in remission. For lots of people with MS however, that's not the case. They suffer every day. My heart goes out to them, and having learned many lessons from living with the disease, I do what I can to help that community.

Working with the NMSS and people with MS, is how I'm choosing to serve at the moment. This might well change in the future and I'll serve in a different way. It's not always necessary or possible to do outward service though. We can also help others through our thoughts and prayers, and by donating money. We can be of service by living our lives from a place of selflessness, honesty and love.

We Are All Connected

When we are living in truth and coming from a place of love, we create such happiness that it spreads out into their immediate community and on and on, into the world.

This connectedness is as true to me as the sky is the sky and the ocean is the ocean. When we think good thoughts, they have a positive effect. When we do good deeds, the same thing happens. When we learn a lesson and make positive changes in our lives, those thoughts and actions benefit others.

What About You?

What have you learned from your stories? How have you taken those lessons and made changes in your life to help yourself and others? A great exercise is to actually sit quietly with a notebook and pen and go through your life, chronologically, and see what you've learned and how you're putting it into practice.

It's all food for thought. We've all got tons and tons of lessons to learn. I'm far from perfect...but I am trying my best to get through life coming from a place of love, integrity and remembering to celebrate being alive, whatever the lesson.

xoxoxoxo

Sonnets to Orpheus, Part Two, XII
By Rainer Maria Rilke

Want the change. Be inspired by the flame
where everything shines as it disappears.
The artist, when sketching, loves nothing so much
as the curve of the body as it turns away.

What locks itself in sameness has congealed.
Is it safer to be gray and numb?
What turns hard becomes rigid
and is easily shattered.

Pour yourself out like a fountain.
Flow into the knowledge that what you are seeking
finishes often at the start, and, with ending, begins.

Every happiness is the child of a separation
it did not think it could survive.
And Daphne, becoming a laurel,
dares you to become the wind.

xoxoxxo

To Tell or Not To Tell? The fear of being judged. Period.

2010-01-24T21:05:00.000-08:00

Wow.

To Tell or Not To Tell? The Dating Dilemma, caused so much feedback that I need to respond. Many, many people who contacted me, publicly on FB and privately by email and phone, had their own stories and fears of being judged for one reason or another.

It seems that everyone has experienced judgment at some point; having judged someone else or experienced the pain of being judged unfairly themselves.

I'm not going to go into that, we're all human and we all know it's wrong and uncool to judge. Right? And, we're all bright enough to know the reasons behind judging - mostly ignorance and fear.

All I'm going to say is this: Let's just stop. Let's just be kind. Let's just think before we speak. Let's try and think before we think!

On the risk of sounding naive, if we can all just be kinder and live with an open heart, live from a place of love, the world would be a better place. We don't all have to be best friends, but if we can live compassionately, take responsibility for our own actions and let others take responsibility for theirs there would be no need to live in fear.

No need for judgement.

Sound good?

Love You.

xoxoxoxo

To Tell or Not To Tell? The FB dating dilemma.

2010-01-22T09:53:00.000-08:00

To Tell or Not To Tell?

Now that I'm single and on the dating scene, this is a new and big question for me.

My friends know about my diagnosis. They don't care. They love me unconditionally. Obviously my family knows. My yoga students know. In fact, I begin each public class sharing how I came to become a yoga teacher: My doctor, a traditional Tibetan physician, recommended that I do gentle yoga to help with my healing of a chronic incurable neurological disease. I did, fell in love with it, and here I am, seven years later, teaching and sharing it with others, helping them heal whatever's going on in their lives - physical/emotional/spiritual - or simply creating space for them to get to know themselves better or fall deeper in love with themselves (while getting an incredibly strong and fit body).

If you met me now, there's no way you'd ever guess that I was diagnosed with MS. I'm actually one of the healthiest people I know, partly due to the diagnosis. I have a great diet, do daily yoga & walks in nature, have a regular meditation practice, detox with bi-weekly salt baths, get plenty of rest, take a bunch of vitamins and supplements, make sure to have bucket loads of fun and laughter, and, a good dose of dancing and partying as often as possible!

BUT, what about Facebook? What happens when I 'friend' a guy on FB and he does his pre-date profile stalking and comes across my blog, visits my website and learns about my diagnosis? It's much more than just a thing I live with. As a result of my experiences, my path has brought me to this place where it's a big part of my life: working with the National MS Society as their 2010 Northern Cal. Ambassador, training yoga teachers to teach people with MS safely, writing a book for people with MS, leading the two NMSS Annual Bay Area Fundraisers, magazine articles etc etc.

Everyone gets sick sometimes. Maybe you have a permanent injury, or a weak immune system and get colds all the time - would you be fearful that someone wouldn't date you because of it? Some people have mental or emotional imbalances, from small things to being a little anxious to full on chronic disorders like bi-polar. I've got a neurological disease that 'could' potentially lead to some big symptoms and that means I need to watch how I live my life. But don't we all have to do that? Especially once we reach our 30s (and even more so when we've had kids).

The only thing humans can all be sure of, is that we're going to die.

Directly relating to that, one of the biggest things I've learned from my journey with MS, is that every second of every day is precious. I kinda feel that that's something I bring to the table that's cool, and why people enjoy being with me.

So...Question: Why am I worrying about posting this part of me online?

I think a lot of it is because things get confused online. Things are misinterpreted. People make judgments. When you're with someone in person, you can choose what to tell them, how much information to give, read their expression, feel the moment, decide how much to share, answer their questions and make them feel secure about the situation. When it's online, it's there in black and white. It's out of your control for them to do with what they like.

My friend and I were chatting today and talked about how her husband, a total cool hottie, would NEVER leave her if she was sick, or in fact, ever. Period. What we all know is, that if you're meant to be with someone, you'll be together. 'For richer and poorer, in sickness and in health...' Obviously I learned the hard way that that's not always true, so there's a part of me that's a little dubious about falling in love again.

So basically, posting this stuff online, is about letting go of control. It's about being honest, open, loving and trusting. And, for me, it's easier to live life being up front. I can't be dealing with tip toeing around a situation or lying about stuff. Life's too short.

Maybe some guy won't want to date me cos of the diagnosis, but maybe the same guy wouldn't be interested in dating a yoga teacher anyway, or he has something against British accents? We all have our list of what works for us. I know I'm not interested in dating some overweight, republican, gun toting, KKK, computer nerd who lives on McDonalds and thinks that beating his wife is acceptable.

As my friend told me today, it's time to 'own' this part of my life in the dating arena, and on FB. Anyone can walk into the yoga studio I teach at and pick up a flyer with my face and bio, and will read it there and then. So, time to own it on this crazy virtual social network, FB. We'll see how it goes! Wish me luck...

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We all have our stories, we all have our journey and our experiences. Question is how do we integrate them into our daily lives so that we live openly and from our hearts. Do you compartmentalize? Do you pretend? Do you hide from the truth? What are you afraid of?

Take a piece of paper and pen, and sit quietly for a moment reflecting on these questions.

Before you write, give yourself a few moments to connect with your inner soul/God/Buddha/whatever you believe in. Take several long, slow, deep breaths and and say a prayer of gratitude for your life, right here, right now, today. After a few minutes of quiet reflection, write down what it is you are hiding from/afraid of (if nothing comes up, just stay doing some yummy deep breathing!)

Stay with that feeling for a minute or two, then close your eyes again, go inside and, reconnect with your inner being again and ask him/her/it to take those feelings away. You can even picture them being wrapped up in a little box, tied with a pretty ribbon and taken away into the abyss of the Universe.

If you practice yoga, I invite you to get your mat out and practice 7-13x Surya Namskara A series. On each inhalation, breath the words 'I Love Me' or another loving affirmation deeply into your belly. On the exhalation, release whatever you are carrying that doesn't serve you. If you haven't thought of anything in particular, just release a feeling such as 'worry', 'tension', 'fear' or 'stress'.

If you do not know Sun Salutations, please follow the directions for a seated meditation instead.

Seated Meditation:

Sitting quietly on a chair, place your feet firmly on the ground. Feel your sit bones deeply sinking into the chair, lift your spine towards the sky by raising the center of the chest up, dropping the shoulders down the back, chin parallel to the floor. Relax the muscles on the face, open the mouth a little to release the jaw.

Take several long slow deep breaths through your nose, breathing the words 'I Love Me' deep down into your belly. After several long slow inhalations, add on by exhaling any negative words thoughts that come to mind. Continue for 3-5 minutes and end by saying a prayer of thanks for this exercise and clearing.

The Light In Me, Honors The Light In You.

Namaste.

See you on FB.

Big love,

xoxoxoxox

The Diagnosis

2010-01-06T21:56:00.001-08:00

The Diagnosis.

I've spoken to lots of people with MS. The diagnosis is one of the hardest things about the disease. Most people have similar stories. Here's mine.

Four days of MRIs. Lying still in the full body/head tube, eight rounds of tests lasting about forty minutes total. The longest test for seven minutes. No swallowing. If I swallowed it would blur the pictures of the spinal chord. If the tests were unreadable, they'd have to be repeated. That wastes the MRI's time where someone else could be using it, costs tons of money, and means I'd have to go through it all over again. Two minute test, break to swallow, four minute test, break, one minute, break, seven minutes, break, three minute, break etc. for eight rounds.

I did great the first day, the nurse offered me valium, I laughed at the thought - valium? me? really? Ner, I'm a kickboxing instructor, I'm from Rugby mate, I can lie in a tube for a few minutes, no problem. Went in all perky, in denial of what I was in there for. Came out a shaking mess. Not swallowing for minutes at a time, stuck in a tube, faced with some unknown prognosis, feeling physically wrecked before you even start, is hard.

Two rounds of spinal chord MRIs the first two days. A day off, then, two rounds of brain MRI's, the ones with a cage on your head.

By the last day I couldn't get into the room without being high on valium. The nurse assured me that this was common. The chemist said the same thing as he handed me the pills an hour before. They explained that often as the body and mind become familiar with what is going to happen, fear takes over.

Lying in the tube for long periods of time, with nothing to do, no where to go, nothing to look at, listening to clunking, machine gun noises, the potential diagnosis was right there. I was petrified of what the tests are going to show.

The MRIs showed two lesions on my spinal chord at the base of my brain. The lesions were so close together my neurologist couldn't see if they were MS lesions or one large cancerous tumor. That was when I received the: "you either have MS in which case you'll probably be in a wheelchair in twenty years, or you have a brain tumor, which, because of where it's positioned in the brain, is incurable" call. The tests were sent to a specialist in LA who confirmed they were MS lesions. However, in order be given a 100% diagnosis of MS by the American Neurological Society guidelines, there needed to be three or more lesions (multiple), so I required more tests.

The following week I went to Stanford Medical Center for eye tests to see if my optic nerve was inflammed.

I arrived early and found myself at the chapel. I've always loved chapels and churches. I'm not religious and don't subscribe to church, but, my mum is an episcopalian priest; my deceased godfather was a Franciscan monk; I went to church schools and spent a lot of my childhood in church. At high school, during the peak of my partying/drug taking/bad girl phase, I'd spend my lunch hours in the ornate catholic chapel, sitting quietly, hanging in the sanctity and safety of the ancient building. Attempting to balance out the insanity of having a dealer boyfriend, partying as if the world was about to end in one of England's gnarliest cities every weekend, while attending a high-end posh English catholic school on a hill in the countryside during the week.

I was called to the specialist center and took the eye tests. I wasn't worried because I knew my eyes were good. The tests were trippy, took me back to my acid days. Lots of swirly images, psycadelic prints. The results were normal.

The final test. A spinal tap. Spinal tap. Let me tell you right now, this was the most excruciating thing I have ever had done to my body. Ever. In my life. Forget child birth. Yes, child birth is mental, and hurts like nothing else, but you know that something wonderful is going to come from the pain. You're doing something amazing. There's the option of drugs that can help. A spinal tap is just wrong. Medieval.

You lay curled up in foetal position on the bed. Take a deep breathe and the doctor inserts a long, wide needle in your spine to draw spinal fluid between two of the vertebrae. You can't move a muscle. You can feel this massive needle in your spine drawing cool fluid out. You want to scream, grimace, and run away. But instead you have to lie there. Still. If you move you could be paralyzed. You lie there sucking up the pain. Praying for it to stop. Damn.

I was warned about the head ache that would follow the procedure. That was no exaggeration.

Another first. Like the pain from the spinal tap. The head ache was unbelievable. Nothing could make it go away. No pill. The nurse recommended caffeine. But really, until the body regenerated the spinal fluid, nothing was going to help. I curled up on the sofa for 24 hours. Shivering. Like a Ewan McGregor going cold turkey in Trainspotting. Trying to find some relief by moving my body in different positions. Nothing helped. I wanted everything to stop. I wanted it all to go away.

Two weeks later, I'm okay. Had the diagnosis. Had hospital treatment. Three days of intravenous high dose steroids that relieved the symptoms. That knocked me out. Made me hallucinate. Throw up. Made me swear I'd never do them again. And led me to trying Tibetan medicine...A whole new chapter in my life.

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EXERCISE: MANTRA MEDITATION

Mantra (a word or group of words that are capable of creating transformation) meditation is a wonderful tool to have in your mental/emotional tool box. You can use it any time, any place, any where.

Mantra meditation is the ideal tool to get you through situations such as MRIs, spinal tap - anything stressful in your life.

Take a moment to rest and breathe deeply for three long, slow deep breaths. Ask yourself what you need to bring into your life right this moment. For example: calm, relaxation, strength, focus, balance, peace....Usually it the first thing that comes to us that we need the most. So settle on the word, or perhaps two or three words, such as: "I love me", "I am relaxed", "I am safe" and repeat. Simply say it over and over and over and over and over again silently in your mind. You can sit and do this for a short period of time, say 5-15 minutes, or you can keep on coming back to it, whenever you remember.

Be well.

Peace.

xoxoxox

Jane, are you doing drugs?

2010-01-06T18:47:00.000-08:00

Labor Day. Eight and a half years ago. Emily's first birthday. We threw a birthday party for her and invited all our neighbors. It was a beautiful Indian-summer's day. Our neighbors were a fun party bunch. We were the new young couple on the block. Everyone was having a great time. The table was heaving with delicious goodies, wine was flowing, people were laughing, Emily performed beautifully taking her first steps there and then in front of the cooing fans.

For a few wonderful hours, I forgot all about the horrors of the past two weeks, the MRIs, optic tests, spinal tap, three days of intravenous steroid treatment. Pushed aside the pain, the struggle, trauma, hallucinations, vomiting, shock, anxiety and fear. In the merriment of the party, I'd forgotten it all.

I finished hospital treatment on Wednesday. Four days later, it was Emily's party. I was so happy to have my friends over. It was perfect.

We sang Happy Birthday to Emily. More wine flowed. I wasn't drinking. One of my neighbors took my arm and gently pulled me to one side. "Jane," she said, in a quiet voice, "are you okay? I noticed your arm. Is there anything you need to talk about?" Silence. "Are you doing drugs?"

I was stunned.

I had no idea what she was talking about.

She looked at my arm. I followed her gaze. It landed on a huge black bruise. I was black and blue. There were needle marks all over my arm where the nurses had tried to get the needles in. My veins had collapsed. They'd injected the drugs into my tissue for one of the three days.

I was so out of it I hadn't even thought about covering up my arms. It hadn't crossed my mind. It was the middle of summer. I was wearing a tank top. I saw myself through her eyes. I was thin, tired, pale. I looked like a heroin addict.

"Oh, no." I told her. "I'm sorry. I've just been in for a lot of tests. I've been diagnosed with MS."

She cried. There and then, in the middle of Emily's party. My few hours of forgetting were over.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

In yoga we sometimes find ourselves faced with practicing poses that bring up emotions such as fear and anxiety. The key to staying in the practice is to breathe our way through them, bringing peace and relaxation into our bodies despite what our emotions are telling us. When we can do this in class or at our home practice, we can begin bringing this calmness into the world with us. This is when we begin living our practice.

EXERCISE: PIGEON POSE

From downward facing dog bring the right leg up into a downward dog split, bend the right knee and swing the leg forward, bringing the right knee outside the right hand and release the left leg to the floor.

Square off the hips (place a bolster or folded blanket under the right buttock if nec). Bring the torso down into a forward bend in front. Remain here for several minutes, breathing deeply into the right thigh and buttock. If you feel pressure in your right knee, press your hands into the ground and take some of the pressure off the knee. If you feel pain in the knee, come out of the pose.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

This is an intense pose. Chances are some emotions will arise. Breathe through them. Inhale the word 'peace' or 'relax' or something that resonates to you and consciously exhale the struggle.

Namaste.

xoxoxoxo

Welcome back Jane Gould!

2009-12-30T09:45:00.000-08:00

The final episode I experienced was late summer, 2008. It literally blindsided me into opening my eyes and seeing my life clearly. It whopped me in the face and showed me that I had been living as a shadow and not living as my true self.

One Monday morning, my right eye started going blurry. I thought I was getting a migraine (I'd experienced a couple during pregnancy), but it was weird because there was no headache. Over the next few days I lost color in that eye, then I lost peripheral vision, and all I could see were blurs. It got slowly got worse and worse during the week. On Friday I saw a specialist who confirmed I was having an episode of optic-neuritis (inflammation of the optic nerve).

My neurologist told me that high-dose intravenous steroid treatment had been proven to help this particular symptom. Despite my aversion to western meds and my dislike of steroids (I did them when I was first diagnosed, and it was that experience that turned me onto Eastern medicine) I was so utterly freaked out about what was happening to my vision that I decided to go for it.

The next Monday, I began three days of high dose intravenous steroid treatment in the chemo ward at Kaiser. The veins in my arm collapsed after the first day, so day 2 & 3 I had the drip in my hand. I was taking anti-nausea and anti-heart burn pills to combat the side-effects of the high doses of drugs. The treatment took about four hours each time and had a build-up effect.

Day 1, my then-husband came with me. Day 2, a girlfriend came with me. Day 3, I was wasted. Out of it. High and drugged-up. Had a fight with then-husband first thing in the morning. He left. I had no way of getting to the hospital. I cried. He texted me saying I was clearly strong enough to make my own way to there. I didn't understand how anyone could do this to another human being.

I called my American mom, she dropped what she was doing ("is it in the chemo ward, Jane? Oh, good, I've always wanted to see what happens in those places...") and brought me to the hospital. She held my hand. She sat with me for the next few days while my Ex stayed 'out of my way'. My friends brought dinner and took care of my kids. They knew about his pattern of taking off when I got sick. Moms at school I didn't know brought dinner and had my kids to play. They all wondered where my then-husband was. I lied.

After the hospital treatment and a couple of weeks of my friends caring for me, my vision came back completely. Then my parents came for Thanksgiving, and I was well enough to observe the terrifically obvious metaphore I'd been given. Clearly the situation in which I was living was not healthy or conducive to healing. My friends were supporting me, rather than the person I was married to. It wasn't hard to conclude that I was better off by myself, than with someone I couldn't count on. And, that I needed to teach my kids how to be strong and independent.

As I regained color, I said goodbye to my shadow. When I saw clearly again, I knew it was time to say goodbye to my marriage and life as I knew it.

Now, you know me, I like to find the lessons in life....And there's certainly a ton of lessons out of this. I am working on figuring them out. For the time being though, I'm working on finding forgiveness for my ex. Can we take this out into the world? Can you find forgiveness for those who can't handle being there for people when they need it. I'm not saying we like them for it or accept it, but can we send blessings and move on instead of holding grudges and carrying disappointment and anger with us?

December 31, 2009. According to State of California the marriage of Jane and Mr. P is terminated.

I know this is just a piece of paper, that we've been separated for nearly a year and a half already, and, in my heart it was over much longer than that, but still, on paper and metaphorically it's a big day...

January 1, 2010. Welcome Jane Gould. This time for real, not metaphorically. The first day of the rest of my life.

Big Love to You

And Happy 2010!!!

NEW YEAR'S EXERCISE

go on a bender. Dance, laugh, giggle, scream.

be quiet, relax, laze, make-love, cry.

Ask yourself: "what do I need to do to welcome in 2010 and say farewell to 2009?" Whatever it is that YOU want and need to do. Get creative and do it, write - journal - light candles. If you need help figuring it out, call or get in touch. I'm here to help.

xoxoxoxoxo

The Courage to Live

2009-12-29T11:20:00.000-08:00

Life can be tough at times. There are good times, bad times, sad times and happy times. And, all the times in between. Living with MS can be killer. Not only are you living the normal day-to-day stuff, but you're living with a whole pile of other stuff too.

Perhaps you can't walk, or talk anymore. Maybe your arm is numb and weak, and your hand is so full of spasticity that you can't bend your fingers. Maybe your vision is blurry and you can't see color anymore. Perhaps you fall over because your balance is compromised, and when you go for a walk, your legs begin to drop and feet begin to drag. Maybe you have incontinence or constipation.

Maybe when you turn your head or bend your neck, a shooting tingling sensation runs along your spine. Perhaps you feel like you've got a tight girdle strangling your torso. Maybe you can't remember things anymore and get confused a lot. Or, you are so fatigued you can't get out of bed, and when you've had a shower and got dressed you literally have to lie-down because you are tired to your core. Perhaps you're depressed. Suicidal even.

These are some of the symptoms of MS. These are some of the things that when someone tells you they have MS, they are telling you they live with everyday or have experienced at some time or another.

This is why I believe that people living with MS deserve a medal. And, why I am focusing my life on helping those with MS anyway I can - including through adaptive yoga classes, training teachers to teach yoga to MS, writing this blog, writing a book of meditations, affirmations and yoga poses for adults with MS, and a book for kids with a parent with MS. It is also why I am proud to be working with the Northern California NMSS, as the 2010 Marin/Sonoma Ambassador, sharing my experiences to bring awareness of this disease to others.

When you meet someone with MS, I hope that you can give them some extra love and extra respect for living so courageously. But, is that enough? Can we take this lesson and share it with everyone we meet? Even though most people are not living with a chronic illness, everyone has their own stuff they are dealing with. Whatever it may be, however large or small it may seem to an outsider, can we be more patient and send love out into the world?

Photographed above: world famous MS Yoga Guru and author of Yoga for Multiple Sclerosis, Eric Small and his incredible assistant, Doug Dee.

Namaste.

Yoga: Integrity through Simplicity

2009-12-21T06:26:00.000-08:00

Integrity.

1.firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values.

2. an unimpaired condition.

3. the quality or state of being complete or undivided.

source: Merriam-Webster dictionary

About a year and a half ago, I was revising for my final test to become a certified Yoga teacher with YogaWorks. All the trainees had been given two poses to teach to the rest of the class. The poses I had been given were two of the simplest poses in yoga to get into. Supta Padangustasana, reclining hand to big toe pose (lying on back, lift one leg straight up to the sky and hold toe or a strap around the foot in both hands, it's a yummy hamstring stretch and releases lower back) and Apanasana, knees to chest pose (lying on back, draw both knees to chest and rest here, breathing deeply into the stomach area and back, great for the digestive system and back).

As I was doing my run through at home, I observed that the easier the poses, the easier it was for the mind to run away and get distracted in other stuff - "what's for lunch? how long before class is over? what am I going to wear to that party on Friday night?"... Because, the harder the pose, the more there is for the mind to hook onto and focus on - "where is my foot supposed to be? Oooo, must focus on balancing, don't want to fall over...focus, focus, focus..."

As I was planning to teach the poses, I realized that due to their simplicity I didn't need to 'teach' them. What I needed to do was to guide the students into the pose, and the teaching was the intention behind the pose. To find the Integrity of the pose.

"Can you be here and keep your mind focused on your body and breath? Can you keep you find balance between 'do-ing' the pose and 'be-ing' the pose? Can you maintain the quality of your breath and a peaceful mind, while keeping your body working without gripping or stressing? Can you be here now, strongly in the pose, gently relaxed, whilst breathing positivity and love into every cell of your body?"

Practicing yoga for me is a lifestyle, not something reserved for the mat. Going deeper with these questions, I asked myself if I was living with integrity. Was I living my life honestly? Was I living with a quality that I was truly happy with? What was the state of my being? Was I living with strength while being relaxed, loving myself and others, focused and present? Really? The answer to all these questions hit me very clearly. No. Not one bit. The reason why not? I was in a horribly ugly marriage.

Time came for the test. I passed. My teacher said that my Dharma (sanskrit for duty, virtuous path) is teaching and sharing yoga with others.

A month later I told my Ex that I was done. This time forever. The intense realization of needing to live with integrity was one of the final nails in the coffin of my marriage, which had been getting hammered for years. A year later my divorce was final. One of the biggest things keeping me in the marriage was my diagnosis of MS. I was living in fear and believed that I needed to be in a relationship. That's another story for another time.

It was the roughest year of my life. My fairytale dream of marriage had been shattered years ago, but facing it and dealing with was like nothing I'd ever experienced. I take my hat off to all women who have made the decision to get out of bad marriages and go it alone. I left the life my parents dreamed of for me and, that on the outside looked like the American (British) dream: two kids, sports car driving exec husband, big house with water views, rental property, ski trips, foreign vacations.

I'm living in a teeny apartment, my kids share a room, and I can hear the hum of the freeway 24/7. I joke that if you squint your ears you can imagine the noise is the sound of the ocean. I'm figuring out ways to make money so that one day we can move into a house, so my kids can have their own rooms and a garden.

But, I'm happy and I'm free. I'm living with integrity, and I've surrounded myself with others who also live with integrity. Life is too short and too precious not to. And, I know in my heart that I'm teaching my kids to live with integrity, and that is my ultimate vocation as a mother.

One last little thought for today: whether you already practice yoga or if you don't practice, and you doubt your ability to be a 'good' yogi cos you can't wrap yourself into a pretzel or touch your toes, don't go there! I hope that I've shown you that yoga is sooo much more than getting your body into various shapes. In fact, you never ever need to twist into anything to be an incredible yogi. Truly.

More soon.

Namaste.

YOGA POSE: APANASANA, Knees to Chest Pose

Benefits: great for digestion, tummy-aches, constipation, IBS, back problems, calming for the CNS.

Lying on your back, draw both knees into your chest. Wrap your arms around your knees and clasp your hands. Relax your back, shoulders, neck and back of the head onto the ground below.

Relax the muscles on your face. Breathe deeply into your tummy and back. Stay here for between 1-3 minutes. Focus your mind by following your breath coming in from the back of the nose above the top lip and out from the tip of your nose.

Have a beautiful day!

xoxox

The most wonderful teacher. Emily.

2009-12-15T12:33:00.000-08:00

My daughter, Emily, was eleven months old when I was diagnosed with MS. I'd been for a hike with her in a backpack carrier. We'd hiked to the top of Mt. Tam on a glorious Californian summer's day. It was perfect. The sky was crystal blue, the earth ached with the heat. I worked up a great sweat and remember feeling so happy to be alive, living here in the most beautiful place in the world, mama to a perfect, beautiful little girl.

That evening I couldn't cool down. However much cold water I drank, even after a cool shower, my body seemed to be hot from the inside out. I noticed that when I turned my head and put my chin to chest that I sent a tingling sensation shooting down my spine from my head all the way to my toes. Then, my right arm went numb and heavy. Gradually the numbness moved down to my right hand. By morning I couldn't move my fingers. My whole right arm/hand/fingers were numb.

I didn't panic at first. I went to see a friend who is a chiropractor. Told her what had happened and we concluded that I'd tweaked a nerve from carrying Emily in my backpack on the big hike on a hot day. She adjusted me and I went home feeling happier.

But, the numbness didn't go and then my fingers wouldn't move either. Even when I concentrated so hard on moving them, it was like they weren't part of my body anymore.

I went back to my friend's office the next day, "Hey," I joked, "didn't work, let's try again...". She didn't tell me why, but she said I needed to go and see a doctor immediately. Turns out she knew right then what was going on, but legally cos she's not an MD, by law, she wasn't allowed to diagnose.

The next bit is a blur....Neurologists appointments, blood tests, spinal tap, brain MRIs, spine MRIs, phone calls, trips to Stanford neurology department, more phone calls. Then, 'the' phone call.

I was all alone. It was 4pm in the afternoon, Em was napping. The phone rang and it was the neurologist. "I've got bad news," he said. "You either have an incurable disease, Multiple Sclerosis, which means you'll probably be in a wheel chair in twenty years, or you have a large brain tumor, which, because of where it is positioned in your brain, is incurable."

I was devastated. I still remember exactly where I was standing in my old house. I remember what I was looking out the window at. Life went into slow motion. It was like being in a movie. Time stopped. My life flashed in front of my eyes. "But....but....but...." All I remember was this image fixed in my head of not being able to run and dance with Em. That was so important to me. To be able to run and chase her, play with her and dance with her.

I didn't understand how this had happened or why it had happened to me. At that moment, with that five minute phone call, life as I knew, had changed forever. Forever.

Of course, we figured it out...How, is another story or lots of stories that I'm sure I'll share another time. I can't write anymore of that today because I am crying too hard.

What I want to share today is something Emily, now nine years old, told me recently:

"I want to teach other kids that everyone is different in their own way, and it doesn't matter who you are, you're special. There's nothing different between someone who has a disease and someone who doesn't. The only difference is that sometimes the person who has the disease sometimes feels different and has to take care of themselves.

It's not scary at all, the disease isn't going to hurt you or do anything bad to you.

When the person is sick you just have to be really nice to them, they can't help it, or do anything about it. It's just what's happening to their body. If they're in a wheelchair, you shouldn't be scared, the just have a problem with their legs or feet, they're not like a monster from outta space or something, they can't help it."

Wow.

What an incredible little teacher.

I am so blessed.

xoxoxoxox

Be it. Don't just Do it.

2009-12-07T05:58:00.000-08:00

That sounds a lot like the Nike ad. The Nike tag is 'Just Do It'. That's fine for getting in shape, getting a cute body, strengthening your muscles etc.

So what's the difference between doing it and being it? Doing it is when you purposely do something, you think about it, make a conscious decision, you might push yourself to do it because you think you should, it takes effort.

Being it is the next stage. It comes after you've made the choice, done the work and you relax. Like working really hard to go on vacation - you save up, take time deciding where you're going to go, do your prep - cancel the mail, take the dog to the kennels, pack, get to the airport, check in, get on the plane, arrive, get transportation to your hotel, unpack, change, get your stuff ready for the beach, find your way to the beach and "Arrrrrr", relax, you can be on vacation.

Is it possible to be all the time in everyday life? Are you doing life or are you being alive? Can you go deeper than just doing it? Can you slow down? Feel it. Morphe into it. Become it. Open to it. Lose yourself in it. Feel every cell of your body wake-up and become one with it?

There is a big difference between doing yoga and being yoga. When you first start yoga, you focus on learning the individual poses. The alignment, the names, where your body needs to be. You get into the pose, you do it. The next stage is when you release, let go of the gripping, forcing, working, and you become the pose. This is when Yoga really comes alive and the magic starts. The feeling you get from being the pose is why people love doing yoga.

When you lose your small-self, you merge with your breath and you experience a feeling of being alive, being part of something much bigger and part of an unseen energy. In yogic terms that energy is called 'Prana', in Chinese it is called 'Chi' (like Tai Chi) and in Japanese it is 'Ki' (like Rei-ki). In Eastern medicine, it is prana/chi/ki that are the healing energies.

One of the major symptoms of MS is numbness. Especially in the extremities - hands/fingers, feet/toes. Neurologists now categorize MS as a pyscho-neurological disease. Meaning that there are psychological influences behind the disease - the number one being stress. People with MS often experience episodes or relapses during or after stressful events and it is vital for people with MS to learn to manage their stress. Yoga is one of the two most prescribed exercises for people with MS (the other is swimming). The body can stay relatively cool in both exercises, both are meditative and calming for the mind and both strengthen and stretch the body.

One of the first signs of MS I experienced was complete numbness in my right arm, hand and fingers. It healed, but I recognize that in stressful situations, my tendency is to 'numb' out. A couple of months ago, I kept waking up full of adrenalin, I knew I needed to let the adrenaline out and let go. Months of stress of getting divorced, years of build-up in a bad marriage. Living close to the ocean, I decided to get up and go to the beach.

I did it in a sensibly wild way....It was pitch dark (5:30am), I wrapped up warm, stopped at Starbucks for a hot tea (got a Passion, love asking for that: "I'd like a big cup of hot passion please"), began the windy Hwy 1 drive to Stinson, thought better, turned around and went to Rodeo. Parked outside the firehouse.

As I was driving, I felt an energy pour through my body and experienced one of those "Ah-ha"moments. For the first time in years I felt alive. Really alive. As though all the numbness in my body was leaving. It was going away and was being replaced with new cells that were open to receive, experience and live. I knew I was leaving the MS behind. I was leaving the numbness created from being in such a negative environment. The numbness created to somehow protect myself from the situation I was in.

Now I know that there are lots of people with MS who have wonderful marriages, and I'm not blaming my marriage for the MS. But, I am saying that the stress of the marriage was a factor in the MS. I know that if you took an MRI of my brain, there are probably tons of lesions still. But this was my experience at that moment in time. And since that moment in time I've continued to feel alive and feel well. And it feels really really good.

This was my first time doing the beach thing - I'd seen it in movies and was most inspired by the beautiful scene in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, when Kate Winslet's character is at the frozen lake, making snow angels. I did the classic crazy-lady-on-the-beach-at-6am thing. I laughed, ran in circles, cried, prayed, made sand angels. Counted stars. Looked for the man on the moon. As the sun came up, I journaled:

Oct. 30 2009 6:40am

Running, crying, dancing, twisting, embracing feeling FREE and all the energies and power associated with that. I feel all my cells activate and wake up, I feel numbness be filled with vitality - MS replaced with strength and being alive!!!

I have done it! I escaped - I AM FREE!! Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!

I got home and called my mum. She was proud of me for going to the beach. Proud of me for being myself. "I so want to fall in love, Mum", I told her, "but he has to think it's cool if I climb out of bed at 5:30am to go to the beach to run and make sand angels". "You'll find him Jane" she said. "He'll love all of you"... It's early days yet. I'm still feeling out how to be. But I know that sometime in the future, I will be with someone by my side. Someone equally passionate and alive. And kind. And hot ;)

And guess what? This is cool. Since I was diagnosed with MS eight years ago, I have experienced an episode every single Fall. Except this year.

xoxox

EXERCISE: Be the Music

This one's great and very simple. Put on a favorite piece of music. Dance if you feel inspired, sit and close your eyes if you don't. But be it. Be the music. Give yourself permission to stop your day for just a few minutes and be you.

xoxoxo

Gratefully Inspired

2009-12-01T01:09:00.000-08:00

What does it feel like to Inspire?

What does it feel like to be Inspired?

This weekend I was given the gift of sharing the incredible experience of being with someone when their dream came true. It was inspirational in the truest sense of the word. Over the last few years, I have been blessed that many people have found me and my story inspirational. Today's blog is about Inspiration, about what happened over the weekend and showing you that we are all inspirational in our own way.

A year has gone by since I made the final decision to move on my journey without my ex (to get off the train with all it's baggage, stops at the stations, dirty loos, breaking for no reason, and onto the streamlined, come as you are and buckle-up rocket ship!).

They say that a year is a turning point after a big event, and with the year anniversary of being properly out of my marriage, came a huge shift. Along with incredible freedom and no-longer feeling caged, I have become able to stand back and look at myself objectively.

Now, when I stand back and see myself from afar, I see a beautiful, strong, single-mother, diagnosed with a chronic disease, living half-way across the world from her family, teaching other people with and without physical illness, helping them with their own lives through yoga, articles, this blog and soon other media.

I feel like I've pulled all the years of my life together - my training as a writer and in media at Uni, journalist and PR after; theater, dance, music and performing as a kid, fitness always, combined with my upbringing from an incredible and strong mother, and lovely accepting father who have always taught compassion and love come first. It is the combination of all these things that have led me to this place now.

And that, my friends, is why I'm alive and my gift to you. If I can inspire just one of you to stop right now and take a deep breath, come into your body and say Thank You for being alive, then my work here is done. That is my art. That is why I'm alive.

This weekend I was blessed to be with someone who inspired me to continue what I'm doing and to reach for the stars. I was with him right after he got the call that his dream had been realized. I witnessed him share that with his family and friends, and literally felt an energetic electric shock go through him as he was hit with the power of what had happened. He achieved it through talent, through working creatively with others in his team, through passion, determination and hard work.

A big part of what I learned from his experience is the unmistakable fact that we are all connected. Texts were popping, emails flying, calls ringing. Everyone was excited. His community had all had a role and were all basking in the Light. What I'm trying to emphasize is that no-one is an island. We all work together and we all affect each other. When good happens we all feel it. It's like being in one of the Disney Land commercials, the magical stream of fairy dust swirls from one person to the next, surrounding us all in Love, Light and inspiration.

I am sending it to you, right now. Here. Have some, jump onboard, be inspired. Follow your heart, follow your dreams. We all have our stories, we are all inspirations.

Seeing him experience his dream has only served to inspire me more. To get out there more, to do more writing, teaching, promoting. I hope that I can continue to be an inspiration to myself and to you. And I hope that I can inspire you to delve deep into your heart and passion and find what it is that inspires you and how you can inspire others.

Thank You all for being here on this journey with me.

The Light In Me, Honors the Light in You. Namaste.

xoxoxoxoxo

GRATITUDE EXERCISE

Close your eyes and slowly breath very deeply down into the very bottom of your lungs, as you breath in deeply feel your lungs fill to the very bottom, then to the sides of your body, to the back of your body and feel the breath completely to the top, filling them like balloons filled with air.

Release and relax your lungs exhaling completely. Repeat two more times or more if you've time and are enjoying it.

Open your eyes and relax your face, let go of any concentrating or holding the facial muscles. With this sense of calm you've created from breathing deeply, look around your room or even better, look outside the window and name things to be grateful for: i.e. "I am grateful for the beautiful blue sky, or I am grateful for the lovely grey rain clouds. I am grateful for having clean running water that is so easily available to me to make this nice cup of tea etc etc."

Bring this with you all day. See if three times during the day, you can stop the chatter in your head, press the pause button, and be in gratitude for something right there.

Try it. It feels amazing.

xoxoxo

I Am Radiant

2009-11-18T21:37:00.000-08:00

From: The Radiance Sutra's by Lorin Roche

Whenever any of the senses is impaired

It becomes a gateway to infinity,

Whether by self-imposed deprivation, injury, or age,

Obstruction of the senses invites awareness of Soul.

The mind can no longer take the world for granted

As attention becomes introverted,

And attends to the shimmering emptiness -

The reality behind the world of appearances.

Today's Exercise: I AM RADIANT

Take a moment and sit quietly. Straighten the spine. Feel it lift up towards the sky above by releasing the shoulders down the back and ground your seat at the same time. Begin to lengthen your breath, filling the bottom, top, sides and back of the lungs. After three long deep breaths, release the conscious breathing and breathe normally again. Now when you inhale, say the words: "I Am Radiant" to yourself inside your head and see if you can feel the words too. Repeat over and over. See if you can play with the language as breath in the words, "I Am Radiant" - can you feel it?? Can you?? You are radiant!

xoxoxox

A Realization...

2009-11-16T21:59:00.000-08:00

I began my week the best possible way. I met one of my best friends for a beautiful hike on the shores of San Francisco Bay. We laughed, talked, shared and made a point to thank the Universe for this incredible place and for guiding our lives here.

After we had hiked for about 45 mins, my right leg started going numb, heavy and dragging. I tried ignoring it, as I have the last several times I've done this hike. But for some reason today, I couldn't just ignore it and pretend. Why? Not sure. Maybe cos I'm done pretending? Done bullshitting myself and those around me that everything is hunky dory all the time. Cos now I'm living my truth. And my truth is that sometimes, I have to stop and rest. So shoot me. My body's not completely perfect, but screw that, it's my body. And if you love me, then deal with it. Or piss off. Sorry if that sounds harsh...

So, my friend and I sat down. I manually lifted my right let onto the bench and the tears began. I cried and cried. And cried some more. I began tumbling into that place of sadness and place of projecting thoughts into the future...what will happen in 5-10-20 years?

My friend sat with me, massaging my leg, allowing me to cry. She held the space for me to release and be sad and be with the realization, that maybe I'm not going to get to hike the Himalayas...damn, not really hike Mt. Tam anymore. She held the space with such love, that I came round to thinking that maybe I will hike the Himalayas, I'll just do it slowly, with lots of breaks to drink in the incredible views. And, maybe us having to go more slowly will bring more peace and beauty to the guide and those with me on that adventure? Maybe that will bring them more joy. What would it be like to slow down and rest every now and then?

When my mind had settled and I'd exhausted my tears, using the table to help me stand, we slowly walked back towards the car. She walked on my right so I could hold onto her when I felt weak. She stopped for a bathroom break and instead of standing around waiting for her, I took the opportunity to rest again. I took the opportunity to be my own teacher.

This is the exercise I practiced:

SEATED FORWARD BEND (calms the Central Nervous System, cools the brain)

Sit on a bench or chair and place the feet hip distance under the hips. Sit tall and lengthen the spine up towards the sky. Breath very deeply down into the bottom of the lungs for three rounds of breath. On the last round, exhale and bending from the hips, fold down over the knees, allow the spine to hang and arms to rest either on the knees or rest on the ground. Stay here for several minutes, really giving the CNS time to regroup and relax.

Thank you Suz for taking care of me. You're an angel.

xoxoxoxo

Yoga-Love-Multiple Sclerosis

2009-11-15T11:43:00.000-08:00

This blog is a gift from me to you.

If you're reading this, chances are you've got an interest in one or more: Yoga, Love or Multiple Sclerosis. Perhaps all three.

If it's all three then my heart goes out to you in it's biggest and strongest way. Because living with Multiple Sclerosis is something that deserves to be acknowledged, respected and admired.

Waking up every morning, wondering if you're going to be walk, see, stand, feel - that's a stress that no-one else can understand. However much you try and share with them, however compassionate and sweet they are.

But, the thing is, 9 times out to 10, people with MS do get up out of bed, deal with the stress in their own way and get on with it.

Diagnosed eight years ago, I focus my life with Yoga and Love (Reiki). During this journey I have become a qualified yoga teacher and Reiki practioner, I specialize in teaching yoga to persons with MS, my focus as well as the physical postures is helping people fall in love with themselves and find their inner-beauty and worth. I truly believe this has helped me become so strong and healthy. I am currently symptom free.

The road to this place of health and love that I'm in now has been long and hard. That's another story. Just know, it's included hospitalization, medication, tears, divorce. A whole lot of stories for another time.

For today I want to establish the objective of this blog: to help you find your way to your path that helps you - whatever it may be and to help you feel supported and loved.

TODAY'S EXERCISE:

Sit straight on a chair with feet on the floor, knees above the ankles. Pushing your feet into the ground feel your legs strong. Lift and straighten your spine and lift your heart up to the sky creating a little back bend. Drop your shoulders down your back and clasp your hands behind you, pull the heels of your hands together and lift your heart towards the sky. Keep your neck long, don't look up or down, look in front. Close your eyes, relax the muscles on your face and take 3 rounds of long slow deep breaths. Fill your heart and lungs with love and light, feel your body relax and fill with love.

xoxoxo