You Best Check Yo'Self

Back by Popular Demand!

2011-05-05T06:39:00.000-07:00

Or only one person's demand. Just an update on my life: I am still a hag of a fag, I still have two wretched dogs and an oversized guinea pig, I recently got in a fist fight with lice and now reside in New Hampshire.... again. Oh, and how on earth could I forget to mention that FIZZLE rocked it Coast to Coast, CA to NH! He keeps it street. 55,000 miles later he needs a new wheel bearing and a polish to the nails.
Next post: A day in the life of a louse trapper!

Fag Hag Status: Positive

2010-12-05T07:36:00.000-08:00

I recently made a post on my Facebook stating that I have very few female friends, and the women I have attempted to befriend lately have been a waste of time, even after a couple years of "friendship". This is all okay though, I have had the best solution to this for approximately seven years. Keep in mind, I do not dislike femininity, I dislike women in general. My solution is simple... be a fag hag.

A fag hag is a woman who prefers the company of gay men.

My fag's name is Mike, and we have been besties since I made him eat cat food and we spent a blissful summer smoking cigarettes and tailgating at 8:00 am. This was the best summer of my life. He has fulfilled my need for shopping, talking gossip, companionship and being whiskey tango together.

Guidelines provided by Urban Dictionary.com

You Are A True Fag Hag If...

-You are a straight girl who has a best friend who is gay and spends a lot of time together
-You would rather go to a gay club than a straight club
-Your fag gave you your own drag name
-You know all the gay guys at the local gay bar
-You fag takes you shopping for mac makeup and then puts it on you
-Your hair and makeup are always flawless
-You even dance with all the fags on stage when Britney Spears comes on
-You learned to vogue from watching your fag
And lastly... you find your self not being able to live without him because you have so much fun with him.

Mike and I pretty much fit this relationship, except we are both totally ghetto and pretend shop and would never spend the cash on Mac makeup... we go to Target, fill up a cart and leave it somewhere in the store. We also decided this ensures job security for someone there because we are giving them something to do.

So Mike, this is to you, you are the best fag ever. And that new girl you have been hanging out with since I moved, WILL get dropkicked when I come back... just sayin'.

Why I Hate American Football:

2010-12-04T16:25:00.000-08:00

1. The Name Football: the sport is based entirely on a deception. Only one team member uses their foot on the ball! Also, it looks more like a torpedo than a ball. I suggest a name change to either "Big Fat No Skill Sport" or "Hand-Torpedo". It could be called American Rugby, but they are already insulting real Football (soccer) enough by jacking that name, they don't need to drag a respectable sport like Rugby into this as well. Plus, it takes balls to play Rugby considering they aren't covered in body armor doing almost the same thing as American Football.

2. The Fans: Loud, obnoxious, typically overweight, drunk and IQ's in the 65 - 71 range. It is extremely difficult to even have a conversation about football, especially if you disagree, with a football fan. It always ends up in an argument. They constantly question the coaching of teams and live too much in '82 when they were playing third string water boy and how they are so much better at this or that and if "things only would have been different" they would have made it pro. Yeah, what needed to be different is that you didn't suck... which says a lot seeing as it takes hardly any talent to play football. Which leads me into reason number three.

3. Talent, or lack there of: Requirements to play football: two arms, two legs, and... well that's it. The player that requires the most talent to play this game is the kicker, who probably sucked at soccer and settled on playing American Football. I suppose one could argue that the quarterback requires talent as well but still very little... the ball is shaped perfectly (like a torpedo) to be thrown significant distances accurately. The rest of the players can be overweight and just run into each other and end up in a huge homoerotic pile every 15 seconds not requiring much stamina or physical prowess to complete the task.

4. The amount of time it takes to play and watch the game is ridiculous. There seem to be ads with each change of possession, time-outs and play challenges, between quarters, the 2-minute warnings, after every score, half time, another set of challenges and time-outs, another 2-minute warning, a bunch of booth reviews, a couple of injuries so on and so forth. Not to mention make huge amounts of money for only playing 16 games a year.

5. Lingerie Football... this is just stupid and needs no further explanation.

The Things I Say...

2010-12-03T09:14:00.000-08:00

I thought I would provide a little insight about the things I say and provide examples.

Broad: The typical definition is "wide in extent from side to side". My definition is a woman. Any woman will do. It is not meant to be derogatory, though often sounds it and is simply in reference to an average woman. This is different than most who use it to identify a woman's stupidity.
Negative example: "That's one numb broad!"
My example: "Is that broad really wearing jeggings?"

Tonic: Soda, Soda pop. A carbonated drink. Tonic is old school and my grandma said it. She was badass, and that's why I keep the word a live.
Example: "Hey broad, get me a tonic!"

THE "C" Word: Now this is my derogatory word for a woman. Quite possibly my favorite word in the English language due to the fact that it is only four letters and can cut through someone like a knife and invoke an outrageous reaction.
Example: Yeah right! My mom reads this, she will kill me!

Bubbler: Commonly known as a water fountain or water cooler. Sorry people, its a water bubbler. This is a New England term and it bubbles when the water comes out, DUH!
Example from my kindergarten teacher: "Alright brats, get in line for the bubbler."

Wicked: usually meaning evil by nature and in practice... OR in New England it means "extremely" or "really" or "very". It is used as an adjective to describe extreme.
Example: "This Sam Adam's Summer is wicked good." "My mom is a wicked bad driver."

Breakies: Short for breakfast. Din or Din Din: short for dinner
Example: "I want breakies for din." (I also have a dance known as the "breakies for din" dance).

Grinder: A mechanical device that grinds. However, in New England it represents a submarine sandwich.
Example: "Jimmy John's has the best grinders EVER!"

Whiskey Tangs: White Trash, derived from the phonetic alphabet of W and T. I think I am being sneaky when I am in Wal-Mart and state: "Oh my god, look at that whiskey tangs dragging her kid by their hair."

The Gay: Refers to Subway. Initially started from eating lunch with my best friend who is a super gay. We would go to SubGay, then shortened to The Gay. Which I just realized is not shorter at all...
Example: "I want to eat at The Gay for lunch"

Drank: Alcoholic Beverage. I got this from watching some show on the Appalachian Mountains. They call their Mountain Dew their "drank". It made me laugh.
Example: "Make me a drank." (This is Matt's job by the way.)

Bear Pig Cat Chicken Dog: My dog Jester... he looks like a bear, snorts like a pig, hates going outside like a house cat, has skinny chicken legs, but is supposedly a dog.

I hope this provided some understanding. If you have any questions about things I say, please feel free to ask. I will gladly explain.

Good Morrow to you sirs.

Added by request:

Crucial or croosh: Typically meaning of high importance, necessary. I mean it as totally badass.
Example: "My zebra print creepers are totally croosh".

Ish: Short for issue.
Example: "What's your effin' ish?"

Premiere: Pronounced Pruhmeeah - the best of the best. Usually in reference to parking spots close to the door, "premeire parking".

Dog Impossible: T.E.A.

2010-12-02T06:37:00.000-08:00

Name: Tessie Ellsbury Adams
Breed: Basset Hound
Weight: 52 muscular pounds
Mission: Ruin my life

Tessie Ellsbury Adams is a four year old basset who has been sent to earth to ruin my life, and I love her. When we first laid eyes on Tessie, it was after the comment of a whiskey tango couple who wanted "themselfs" one of those "bad ass dogs"; they stated "Ew don't get dat wun, her reg is messed up." We walk around the corner, and there is the cutest, saddest dog we have ever seen. I knew from that moment, I was doomed. We took Tessie, then known as Patty, into the visiting room and within seconds, she was asleep in my husband's lap. It took less than 30 minutes before we were leaving with a new addition to our family.

This new addition wants me dead, well that may be drastic, she at least wants me suicidal. She has eaten, destroyed, and slobbered on countless items. She hogs the bed, snores, and would not let me near my significant other without barking and jumping on me. Her vet bills have been expensive and the visits extremely timely. However, Tessie is the second greatest dog ever.

One of my fondest memories of Tessie was when she was particularly distraught with me and took all my dirty underwear from the hamper she knocked over and a box of tampons which she proceeded to rip open and put them all in the backyard while i was in the shower. The neighbors, grounds workers and friends all saw thongs and tampons littering my backyard. That was such a wonderful day.

Most recently she decided to chew on a double A battery, puncture it and get the acid in her mouth. We took her to the vet and are looking at a potential $3500 vet bill with reconstructive surgery due to the massive destruction the acid is doing to the flesh in her mouth. I will pay every penny willingly.

She likes to eat poop.

Destruction list:
14 pairs of sunglasses
Ottoman
Batteries
Couch
Numerous pens and highlighters
Kiss Coasters
My dignity
Christmas ornaments
Books
Pants
Shampoo
Razors
Watches
Decorative pieces
And much, much more.

All this to say, Tessie Ells has been an absolute delight to have in my life for the last three years, and although I have had my moments while I lie in bed wishing we had never adopted her, she starts snoring and kicking me in her sleep. Then I have to ask myself, how on earth could I live without this dog?

An Ode to Fizzle - The Best Ford Focus Ever

2010-12-01T07:45:00.000-08:00

When I first laid eyes on you, you sparkled.

When I first started you, you purred.

Now you are dirty and don’t like to start when it's cold.

But who am I to judge? I am the same way, now that I am old.

It’s ok that you have crank windows and push locks.

If anyone talks S I will shoot 'em with my glock.

It’s ok that you have a stick shift.

It keeps me from getting stuck in snow drifts!

Some have called you “ghetto” or a “piece of crap”

But I shut their mouths with a good ol’ slap.

The dent on your door and the crack in your mirror

Add charm and made my adoration clearer.

We have been all over the western half together

And our times will only get better

As long as you don’t break down….

Because then I will hate you forever.

A Very Important Public Service Announcement

2010-11-30T06:48:00.000-08:00

Dearest Patrons, Innocent Bystanders, Offenders and the like:
Visible Panty Line is a very serious issue throughout the great United States, it's territories and... the world! It causes astronomical discomfort and volatile responses from those unlucky enough to view it as well as means the rest of your pants are too tight, which in itself can not be healthy (or sexy for that matter). I, myself, have been on the viewing end of one of the most heinous panty line offenders on the western side of the Mississippi. I understand the pain and horror one deals with and the trauma that ensues following a sighting. There are few resources to help one cope with the atrocities of VPL. However there are a few remedies for Visible Panty Line, the few that exist are highly effective and most often economically sound. The following are a consideration and can even be given as gifts to the most serious offenders: Thongs, g-strings, VPL free granny grich (yes it exists) and of course, the always free and often refreshing free ballin'. I am reaching out to my fellow victims, we must unite and stop the global pandemic known as Visible Panty Line.

Well Ain't That Somethin'

2010-11-29T11:16:00.000-08:00

I am jumping on the bandwagon of blogging; which is interesting considering the word blog makes me think of vomit and I do not like vomit. All this also makes me think that LiveJournal was WAY before its time. So, to stay up-to-date with all my lack of excitement, stay tuned, stay posted and stay POSI-core!