You Just Never Know Where Hope Might Take Ya

"But???? Are we invited????"

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 02:01:00 +0000

One of my favorite times of day is just after dropping Emme off at school, as Jax and I walk home hand in hand. We always stay and play a bit at the school playground even after Emme goes in (as an aside, one of the ways I get the kids to get going in the morning is to tell them the sooner they are ready the more they get to play before school). Jax is calm, and sweet, and it's a good time to talk together

While we were walking I just simply asked, "Jax... would you like to see Ty and Vivi?"

Silence, then "you mean, play in the park?"

And I said, "Yes, probably, if it's sunny like right now?"

And then he said, "But????

Are we inbited???" (his v's are still b's)

Right then and there, in that question, my heart kind of sank a little. In that instant, I realized more than ever that he gets it. He gets the fact, sadly, that he isn't overly welcomed by his first family. He hesitates. He wonders. He fears??? Is he saying, "Do they want me?" He's almost five and yet, does he feel that? Or is Jax's Momma just reading too much into his tone, the look on his face, the question?

I don't know the answer, but I do know I feel, in my own grown-up spirit, some of those hesitations. The more things change, well, the more they change. Just last week, we thought we may never see Vivi again. Now she has asked, through the voice of Ty's foster mom and social worker, to be a part of our visit with Ty this week. Because of all that has happened...because of some of the things that she has said to me, and about Jax, well, I hesitate. I wonder. I fear.

And I question, "are we really invited?" Or is this just another... I don't know what. I have such mixed feelings. Her presence definitely will change the dynamic of the whole visit for sure. I definitely don't begrudge her being there, and will embrace her just as she is, regardless of what happens, but I also have my defenses up for the sake of my son.

This is really the incredibly hard part of open adoption, when you know that the other has the potential to wound because of their words or actions, and now, your child is old enough to sense it all... to hesitate, to question, to fear.

I went on to answer his question and said, "Yes! We are invited."

And you know what Jax did? Fist pump in the air, he yelled, "Yes!" Big grin. Big boy facing his world I guess.

And that's the other side of open adoption. It's the little guy who wants to know them because they're his people. Based on the reaction of both my children to the relationships (or lack thereof) with their first families, I will never question the biological connection that is innately within them. Both kids have reacted strongly to contact... true joy when they're with them, and true sadness immediately upon separation.

There truly are days when I wonder if it is worth it, or if we're doing the right thing. It seems to me at times that I'm opening them up to pain regardless of which way they turn. They hurt with contact, because of what can happen to them and how they feel because they are separated from their original family. They hurt without contact, for not being able to touch, to know their people. Or maybe it would hurt no matter what, based on the fact they became my child, based on the fact alone that adoption was chosen for them.

All that said, we ARE invited. So we move forward, see what is next with Ty and Vivi. We can hesitate, and wonder and fear, but we still move forward. It's the only way through.

Open Adoption Roundtable #26: Talk about Sibs

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 17:00:00 +0000

Heather at PNR has posted another excellent prompt for the Open Adoption Roundtable she hosts. For some of my other responses, go here. This one, for this Open Adoption Blogger, is near and dear, as it seems that alot of my conversations with my kiddos right now, and in the near past, are on this subject.

So here goes:

Open adoption blogger Susiebook (a natural/first mom, and writer I highly recommend to you!) suggested we write about how to talk about siblings in open adoption. I thought it was a great idea: a chance to share some practical information with each other from our different experiences and perspectives. It may be that birth parents are parenting older or younger siblings, or that siblings were placed in different adoptive families. What words do we use to talk about that? How do we frame it? What questions or issues have come up?

How do/would you talk with children about siblings in open adoption? How do you approach this as a (first or adoptive) parent, or how was it handled in your family if you grew up with siblings who didn't live with you? For prospective adoptive parents or first parents without other children, has this been something you've thought about how you would approach?

This question is one I have way too much experience with, and frankly, if I can be frank, gives me a headache right now just thinking about it. Much of the last well, seven years, have been spent trying to figure out how to talk to our kids about their siblings, and the various crises or situations they are in, actually talking about it with them in the most positive way possible, and then dealing with the fallout and continuous questions needing answered, and often constant reassurances offered.

A little background, if you may not have followed me here for long (or ever...if that is the case, welcome!), my kids are not firstborn in their birth families. Emme has two older sisters, and one younger (and a niece thrown in there too). Jax has an older brother too. None of them live with us or even that near us. All of them matter. I spoke about this in a previous OAR on siblings, but this prompt takes things a step further.

First, I must address my own issues in all of this. These are MY issues, and not something I share with or put on Emme or Jax. They have more to do with my sense of duty and my desire to know that everyone who matters to us is safe and cared for. That said, I am working through a somewhat heavy burden of guilt for not being able to parent all these children in the various times each and every one of them, with the exception of Emme's baby sister Lea, who is being happily and healthily parented by Kelli, have needed other parents than their original ones to care for them. I am getting better with time and talking it through, but I have been often nearly paralyzed worrying about them, and wondering if we should just take them all in when they needed it. I still carry the concern, but know reality is that with the two we've been asked to parent, we have our hands full.

So there's that. There is a tremendous love for all these other kids. And that gets transferred to Emme and Jax in the ways we speak of them. Our primary concern for our kids right now is that they develop a healthy sense of themselves, and of who their siblings are in the most positive sense, so that when the time comes, and we tell them the whole story, they will be able to hopefully understand first, why they were separated from them in the first place, and secondly know that regardless of these decisions, and regardless of what has happened in the lives of their original parents and blood siblings, that they are still family and because of that, we love. We know. We at least work toward loving and knowing them in a way that their siblings know they matter to us.

Of course with Emme, we have had very specific conversations with her as she is highly intuitive and sensitive to what is going on, even when we try to protect her from some of it. Since March 2010, she has LITERALLY "lost" two of her sisters all over again. Ann died, and we have had to work through why Ann died, and whether or not Emme will suffer the same fate. There is nothing like your not yet seven year old worrying that she will die like her sister. This brought up all sorts of issues that I as Momma Bear were not ready to talk about, but talk about we did. Honestly. Gently. And over and over, and still now, over some more. We are honest about Ann's life and choices, so that Emme has no worries about the fact that she might suffer a similar end, but we also speak in ways that don't dishonor the young woman Ann was becoming when she left this earth.

That is first and foremost in all these relationships between our kids and their sisters and brother. Honoring them as family is the most important thing. And that means loving them as we would any other family member regardless of anything that has happened. It is about honesty so that the kids never feel like they have been lied to, but balancing that with a protectiveness so somehow, their innocence doesn't get stolen by bearing stuff they don't have to yet about the struggles of their first families. Honor and love come first.

And with Shari, we talk to Emme, who has struggled with anger because of some of the things Shari has said to Emme at times, about how their lives are very different because grown-ups ~ including us and Kelli, among others ~ made choices on both their behalfs. Emme's overarching question for some time has been "why can't I have a sister who lives with me?" and I share her questioning. We wanted Shari in our family but in the end, knew it was better for Emme, Jax and Shari if that didn't happen. Emme will have to come to terms with that and hopefully she will with time, and the understanding that comes with age.

As for Lea (can you see how we have to handle each family differently), she is being parented by Emme's first mom Kelli. The whole issue of "why" Kelli chose to have Lea with her and not Emme has been a big deal lately. It doesn't really help to say "well she loved you enough that she gave you to us" because of her situation at that time. That is nonsense. I know Kelli would have happily parented Emme if she could have at that time. All we can do is honestly tell Emme that Kelli had to make a decision for Emme, and because of how Kelli's life was at that time, she chose us to be her parents, and hoped we'd always know each other. I assume this will become an issue even bigger with time. Kelli and I have already talked about how we will handle it together.

Poor Jax. He is so sad he doesn't know Ty. We talk about him having a brother and honestly say that his other Mom Vivi has decided she doesn't want to see us right now. This, of course, is changing a little as Ty is now in permanent custody of the province and we have permission to see him. I am at a loss to know how to prepare Jax for seeing Ty again, so until I get some insight, we're going with "we're seeing your brother to play at the park in seven sleeps and it's going to be fun!!!" Jax has cried over the fact (he's four for heaven's sake!) that he doesn't see Vivi or Ty. But when we talk about the fact that we are open to seeing them, but they're not, he doesn't understand it. How could he? I don't understand it.

Wow... that's a lot of rambling around. If this was a real roundtable, you might have kicked me out by now! I guess to sum it up, all I know to do is to be gentle and honest and as positive as possible when I talk to my kids about their siblings. Each situation is unique because their original families are complex and different. Each situation is unique because the child asking the questions deserves the answer for them, and at their level. I take the lead alot of the time, mostly as we prepare for a visit or phone call, or when we write letters and draw pictures to send to them. But I also know that a questions will come up at any time about one of their siblings, so I try to anticipate what might be asked, and when it happens, take a deep breath and go with it. All that said, I also do say to both of them from time to time, "you know what? That is a great question, and I know you want an answer. But would you be able to trust me with the answer until Daddy and I believe you are ready to handle it?" And most of the time, for the very hard things, they do trust us. And for that I am thankful. And I have written their questions down in a journal so I don't forget to answer them when they are ready. I check it every six months or so to see if there is a conversation we need to have. And I carry the burden of the "keeper of the story" with seriousness. And hope and pray with each conversation that we say what our child should hear.

Fret-free Friday, which means Recipes... and a Blog Shout-out

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 12:59:00 +0000

I've designated Fridays as "fret-free". I know...I know, it's cheesy, but I love Fridays, mostly because it means Emme gets out of school early, and Hubs is home for two days straight, and we're all together. It doesn't get any better than that, does it? It's still raining (three days straight, which makes me wonder "what happened to living in the sunniest place in Canada???), but hey, everything's green and the garden is loving it, so we're going with it. Bring on the rain!

I'll post a recipe in a moment, but first wanted to share a blog I found called Storing Up Treasures . Courtney is a Mom to eleven kiddos, who came to her family through different ways, and this blog is her journey through parenting and life. I've really enjoyed getting to know her. She's been doing a special promotion for awhile now called Blogs of Note to share other bloggers with her readers. I haven't been much into self-promotion here, as this is really about just me and talking about my little world, but just thought I'd share her beautiful blog, and in turn, she could share mine, just for the fun of it.

Now, onto the recipe... and as boring as it sounds, I'm sharing my basic biscuit recipe, as we had them again last night with baked chicken and mashed potatoes, carrots and green beans. This recipe is SO versatile. I've made it shredded cheese, or substituted the buttermilk for milk, or added some cream cheese in place of the butter to change things up. Enjoy!

Basic Biscuits

2 c. flour
2 T. sugar
1 t. salt
4 t. baking powder
1/2 t. cream of tartar

1/2 cup butter or margarine, cold
3/4 c. milk, cold

Combine the dry ingredients. Cut in butter thoroughly. I do this by using my cheese shredder. The butter has to be really cold to do this. Add milk and stir to combine. Dough is very soft. Knead lightly on a floured surface and roll out to the thickness you want the biscuit to be. Bake on greased cookie sheet (or I use a square cake pain so that all the sides are really tender) in 425 degree oven for 15 minutes. Makes around 10.

I also like to add garlic to a little melted butter and mix it in sometimes. YUM! Jax loves his with peanut butter and homemade Jam. Emme prefers "just jam, Momma."

We usually have them with chicken dinners, or chili.

In other news, I'm going today with Jax to Emme's school for to supervise kiddos for an extended lunch hour while the teachers have an appreciation luncheon. Say a little prayer, as the heavy rain means we'll probably be inside. What did I get myself into??? Should be fun.

Have a great Friday, and awesome weekend. Come back Monday when I try to resurrect Memory Lane Mondays.

Be Blessed. And always hope!

Thankful Thursday

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 17:16:00 +0000

My post on Monday was pretty sad. I just continue to have a hard time facing the fact my Little Man Jax is struggling so. But I do have so very much to be thankful for, for him...for all of us. Here's just a little list, but wow... I am blessed!

I'm thankful ...

for the fact Jax, unlike alot of other kids with FAS and sensory differences, has such well-developed gross-motor skills. Watching him this morning in gymnastics was breathtaking. So thankful his body works and moves that way.
that Emme is loving school right now. She excels in every area, but struggles with being overwhelmed by the relationships that are a part of the classroom. But I hope and pray she's found a couple of good friends to rely on. And her teacher is awesome.
for Hubby's job. It may not pay all the bills, but he loves it and I so appreciate how hard he works to support our family
for the resolutions for the most part of the situation with Hannah. Although I still miss the idea of her being my daughter, she never was my daughter, and that has to be okay. She is healthy and happy and moving towards adoption with The Fosters, which is what her grandma Kelli and Hannah's father want for her.
that we finally get a visit with Ty, Jax's brother. I need to write more about that, but this has been a long time coming and I hope it is the beginning of a good relationship with him, whether he joins our immediately family or not. And Vivi has contacted us directly too with a new address and phone number. This is good news.
for a few good night's sleep. I continue to live with alot of unresolved chronic pain. I really thought that would all be solved with the hysterectomy. Although I have less pelvic pain, there's something going on that keeps me waffling between worry and feeling like a hypochondriac. I am so very grateful for the ability to sleep when it actually happens.
for Spring, and the sunshine and rain, and new life springing up all around us. It is a good time to be alive!

Sometimes All I Know to Do is...

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Tue, 31 May 2011 02:00:00 +0000

hug him and cry. I don't write much about the meltdowns we experience as a family, mostly because somedays it would be all meltdowns, all the time if I did. Even now, the supper dishes are still on the table now over an hour after our yummy steak dinner was enjoyed. Jax got to the point of meltdown after supper, and in the middle of trying to play with his sister, and when push came to shove (most literally), Jax melted down.

This isn't just a crying without cause kind of thing, although there are times it feels so much like that. It's an air sucking, can't talk or breathe, sweating, screaming, so very sad moment that can go on forever, or sometimes feel like it. I wish I could say that it wasn't my fault but I live constantly wondering what I should have done to help him stay "just right" so that the "yuckies and itchies" ~ that's what he describes when he is able to describe how he feels ~ don't take over and Jax can't control his anger. Should I have done more work than the walks and the playgrounds and the boxing and the trampoline and the...the...the...

What else could I have done? We do a strict schedule most afternoons where, if he gets any type of video at all (that is VERY rare these days), it is early and we always have energy-expensing, then calming experiences planned for him. And the routine is strict. And so are the rules. And still, there are meltdowns and sometimes...

sometimes all I know to do is experience the melt, and then hug him when it's over. And cry all the while.

And tonight he snuggled in and we both cried, me with grief and longing for him to ever have more than a fleeting moment of peace, and him, I hope just feeling the comfort of the arms of a Momma who loves him so very much.

I cry for alot of reasons. Because I'm frustrated. And scared. And at a loss to know what to do. And wondering if I am doing enough. And feeling like if I do any more, if I take even less time to care for me and others while focusing on his needs, I will just waste away. I cry because I love him and want him to feel joy, not this perpetual frustration. I cry because I grieve "what might have been" if alcohol and drugs would have never entered his little body those first nine months of life, and then I feel sad all over again because I truly do love my son just the way he is.

I cry because I'm lonely in all of this. My Jax is a handful and it really feels like no one really, truly understands or gets it. But then, how could they? They don't live with him. They don't see him through mother eyes who can truly say to her son and mean it, "there is nothing my dear, sweet boy, that you could ever do that would make you lose my love".

Sometimes all I know to do is cry, and then... try... try again tomorrow, and hope and pray that we get it right, and that sometime along the way, ever so gently and miraculously, a new connection will makes it way in and through his brain to help him see what it feels like to be at peace even when life is overwhelming.

Because that is truly what it feels like to him because of his sensory differences, because of what alcohol did to his brain. What we see as every day life, he sees as a cloud that frustrates and confuses, and fills his mind and body with all sorts of stimulation he can't sort out. And it makes him melt down, and the tears flow and words are angry and body is out of control and during that moment, I miss my sweet boy but still... love him just the same, and look forward to the moment when the meltdown is over and he is my sweet boy again.

And I can hug him close, and we can cry, because sometimes that is all we know to do.

Perfect Moment Monday: For the love of kitties

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Mon, 30 May 2011 19:22:00 +0000

Emme is the epitome of animal lovers. Every day, the request lingers in her mind and on her tongue, "Momma, when can we get a dog?" That's really what she wants. And truly, I want that for her too. Someday.

Early last week, we spent hours in the garden, and she found a moth. She put it in her bug carrier, brought it into the house and proceeded to name "her" Mothie. She fed it. Cheered her pet on as she adapted to her new surroundings. Called her by her name. Loved her. And the next day proclaimed, "I think I'll let Mothie go. This is no life for her."

Yes, she loves.

In the light of getting started again around here, and to do so with an attitude of more positive writing (from time to time!), I thought I'd join LavendarLuz in Perfect Moment Mondays.

My perfect moment this weekend?

At the farm.

To the barn looking for my animal loving Emme.

Finding her, laying in the hay, long hair spread wide, surrounded by oh say, a dozen kitties. Loving. Cooing. Cuddling. Naming. Playing.

She is in heaven.

And so am I.

Journey to Where... the Introduction

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 15:12:00 +0000

This is a "how is Tammy doing" kind of post. Haven't done one of these in a very long while. If you've been hanging around here at all these last SIX years (yes, I missed my blogoversary at the end of February...I've been writing for six years!), you know that I can gripe at times about the hard things, but I hope...hope...hope that in the end, I always find a way to reflect...introspect...and move forward knowing that what I see, and these present circumstance, whether hard or wonderful, are all a part of a bigger picture, a larger journey. And all that happens, I hope, will someday make sense to me, or maybe not, but will culminate in a life well lived. That's my hope anyway.

Right now, where I am, after one of the toughest years yet with so many unplanned and unexpected traumas, dramas and decisions to be made is a place of recovery. I'll admit up front that I've spent alot of energy this last year dealing with broken relationships, and trying to make sure I do my part in making sure I'm not contributing to the brokenness. I am not perfect. I'm emotional, and I speak from my heart, sometimes too loudly and too quickly, but I hope that in it all, there is a measure of grace at least as much as I desire to extend to others.

I've done a lot (maybe too much?) reflecting on the state of relationships within my immediate family ~ mostly between me and Hubs, but also with the kids. And sometimes seeing myself reflected back has been humbling in a not so good sort of way, but it has caused me to grow and change in ways I never dreamed. Who knew a growing up seven year old's face reflecting disappointment in my reaction to something that happened could have such an impact? And likewise, my Little Jax (stretching tall in height, but still so small in the scheme of things) and his over-reactions to so many things because of his special needs, has caused me to find a reserve of patience I never thought possible. And these little ones have changed me, or at least are starting to. And Hubs??? Oh, the long suffering nature of a man with such calm, strong spirit inside. He offers me so much grace and comfort each and every day, that even our conflicts don't matter as much as the possibilities of how I can and will change for knowing him.

I've done alot too, about facing the reality that we ALL have stuff we carry from our original families. It's just the nature of things. As I have delved more into self-reflective parenting, I realize that the "mistakes" my parents made that have affected me, are not mistakes at all, but rather the trial and error of being parents, a role that none of us have ever been before and therefore, should receive an over abundance of grace in our attempts to be good at this role. And ultimately it is my responsibility to take all that has happened ~ mostly good and solid, but yes, some of it hard ~ and run with it, learn from it, make myself better in light of it all. All of it is a gift from God to be grateful for, as it makes me the person I am, a person worthy of love by God ultimately, but also by family, if even from a distance. And I must accept things and people as they are, knowing that everyone tried to do their best, offer what they could, in light of their upbringing, and forgive if needed, but more than anything move forward in love and acceptance without expecting anything else in return.

As for our children's first families, especially Emme's, in which there has been so much heartache and tumult, and exhausting antagonism and manipulation from unexpected sources (who knew that I would find it easier to be in relationship with Emme's other mom, who comes from such a different world, than in a fellow adoptive parent in the family?), well, I just want to move forward too. I want to let it go, if others will let it go, and find peace through giving grace for the things we can't reconcile to our own beliefs. Seriously. There is no other way to be family is there, unless we allow for forgiveness and grace to reign (or rain??? that too!) over it all. I for one feel completely able to genuinely say, "I have forgiven you" and look forward to the day I hear it in return. Not expecting to hear the words, but hoping to feel the completeness that comes from hearing them. And even though I am certain that things have changed forever in this complicated and "loss-based" family, I am NOT certain that things have changed for the worse permanently. Ah, there is that hopeless hoper shining through! I now sleep though, through the night, knowing the peace of having listened and done my part in trying to make things right with Nel, and keeping that door open even now, when she refuses to let it go and move forward herself.

And really, the only last relationship I need to reflect on is the one with myself. When Ann died last March, just six short weeks after my hysterectomy, it set our lives on a whole different trajectory for 2010 then I had planned. Funny how that always seems to happen. I had hoped that with the surgery would bring a very real opportunity to me finally bringing closure to my hopes and dreams to someday be pregnant long enough to give birth to a healthy child. That, of course, happened. Physically anyway. Over and again, this last year has been about changing my thinking from "it could happen" to "remember, you don't have a uterus anymore." Done. End. Physically, I am healthier without that blasted uterus.

But Ann's death and the events and twists of it all did not allow for the emotional and spiritual work I had hoped would happen in this last year in dealing with the feelings and thoughts (mostly bad habits in my ways of thinking about my fertility and myself in light of it). I've been stuck with that burden because (whether it is my mistake or just the circumstances of dealing with the very real crises in relationships, and the need to support others more needy than me through it all) of everything else that has happened. Truthfully, it hasn't just been Emme's family stuff, but also Jax's family stuff, as well as the very real concerns regarding Jax's health and our need to find treatment and supports in helping him. It's alot of stuff, you know? Wave upon wave it has felt like.

With that all in perspective, I've set out on another "journey to where" in hopes that I can finally find peace with the emotional baggage that especially my infertility has placed on me. But even more, the disappointment that has come from so many real losses. Whether it be physically or simple loss of dreams doesn't matter, does it? It's still loss. And regardless of what people say, that I am feeling sorry for myself, or that I'm caring more for the hard things rather than embracing the blessings, it is still my "journey to where" that I must take. I have learned that I must go through it... the grief, the facing truths, the brokenness, in order to someday be joyful that these circumstances have formed me into a woman who can endure without breaking, who can be compassionate even when she faces things she doesn't understand, who can persevere and reach out even when the waves keep coming in.

I'm working on it. I'm working on me. It's my journey. To where, I don't know yet. And probably won't know until I look back and see... see it all from the other side. And hopefully, from the other side, my Lord Jesus Christ will look at me and say, "Well done, Sister!" That is where I hope this takes me next.

Wow... that was just the introduction! HA! That is where I am though, in light of it all. Where I'm going, no one knows, especially not me. Well, Someone does. And I am trusting Him to walk beside me... to guide, to convict, to empower, to give grace...

Like Night and Day, Black and White... Ethical, and then, not so much...

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 18:26:00 +0000

We have a meeting set up with Ty's foster care worker, Ted. He's also bringing along an adoption worker. Since Vivi rights are officially terminated, an act that has created more than its share of sadness in my heart for her and for Ty, Ted is working towards determining who would be the best family for Ty, for his present and his future, in light of his past.

Even though we have lots of reservations about actually becoming Ty's official family for several reasons (some I've already discussed, others that may come out here in the future), we took the meeting. Why, you ask? Isn't it a bit misleading to let Ted drive all this way for a home visit when in fact, we've decided that unless something major intervenes to change our perspective, we don't feel like we can by Ty's family? Why let him come under the possibility?

We have done it for several reasons. The first being, this is the way this process should go. Unlike the situation with Hannah, the social workers in Ty's case are doing everything right. They are taking the steps first to protect the child, then to ensure that the right of the child's parents are protected and cared for through all legal means, and then AND ONLY THEN, when a judge decides (or the parents decide voluntarily) what should happen with the child, will the social workers step in to determine where the child should go.

If only...if only the initial social worker for Hannah would have followed these steps. I truly believed it would have saved all of us alot of heartache. It would have gone further to preserve the already fragile relationships within the family. It would have helped so many things. They didn't do it that way. Nor did they EVERY call to actually meet with us, or return our calls in our attempts to meet with them.

It's like night and day the difference in how these two situations are being handled. So we are willing to at least talk. And frankly, I'd really like to be able to say in person how much we desire to know Ty, and to be family to him, even if we don't become his every day family. You'd think it would be possible to do that in light of how close we are in distance (two hours right now). And you would think they'd be willing to listen considering our seven year history of following through on our promise to be a family through open adoption.

And we are thankful for the opportunity to speak directly to Ted and the other worker. We feel as if they are taking us seriously as Ty's family, not just dismissing us to take the path of least resistance rather than to really determine what is best for the child. It gives us hope for Ty's sake.

And for Vivi's for that matter. Vivi's position in this whole situation is where, to me at least, the ethics of this process come into play. It is the most important thing in all of it that her rights and place as Ty's mother be considered. It is of utmost importance that the process of doing what is best for Ty does not usurp her rights to be heard, and to have remediation in the relationship where at all possible. I know that it has been 10 months since they originally placed Ty in a foster home and started the process towards permanent guardianship. She got frequent and regular visits, a trial and a chance to appeal the decision. She was informed of her rights and they were considered primary in this process. We sure respected them and didn't even try to inject ourselves into the situation, even to the point of respecting her desire for no contact up until the time that Ted said it was his decision, and yes, we should write a letter and send pictures to him to give to them.

That of course, did not happen in Hannah's situation. It has come to light how the social worker completely neglected informing (much less offering assistance or at least giving Hannah's father information regarding assistance he had available) Hannah's father of his rights. And neither did his lawyer. He is a minor and should have been protected even more. They both should be ashamed of how they handled this, and I just hope and pray that Hannah's father will continue his hard climb back from the last 18 months of life to becoming a young man who can be a positive influence in his daughter's life. I met him last weekend. I see the potential, especially when he looks at Hannah.

So, we meet, and see what Ty's future holds. Ted has said the foster family has definitely expressed interest in a long term relationship with Ty, as had Ty's First Nations Band (which at least for contact would not be ideal as they are about 15 hours north of here, very isolated, and I'm pretty certain they wouldn't be interested in seeing us or Ty having a relationship with his brother's "white" relatives). So we'll see... and hope the best for Ty.

And also hope that pretty soon, with him getting settled, my heart will settle too, and finally I can do the work of fully embracing being a family of four. It's not what I thought I wanted, just two kids, but it's what we got and we are so blessed to be Emme and Jax's parents!

And when it was good, it was very, very good.

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 18:19:00 +0000

Can yout tell from my last few months of posting that I am in quite a funk right now? Granted, this place is my place to talk about the things that it seems not very many people are able to hear and understand. That is why I write, to get out the stuff, and even further, to clarify my thinking, to make sure that I'm really staying true to being compassionate and gracious in all the ways I need to be, in regards to my family, and as the subject of this blog is mostly about the open adoptions in our family, about their other families as well.

But this post isn't about the funk, it is a celebration. Something happened this year that has never happened before, not in the seven years that we have known Emme's extended first family. And those who have experienced or are currently experiencing complex and often tumultuous open relationship with their kids' families, well, you will so get this, and celebrate with me.

Guess what Emme received ON her birthday this year? Guess??? Just guess???

Kelli called!!!! Her first mom, for the first time ever, was able to call and wish Emme a Happy Birthday. She and Emme talked and talked and it was precious to hear Emme tell her about her party, and all the friends who came to make jewelry and eat pizza and cake, and her favorite present, and how she's going on a date with Mommy and Daddy at the end of the month, and on and on. And Kelli, you could tell, was soaking it up.

It felt so... well, no other word can describe it... NORMAL.

A girl talking to another very important person in her life. On her birthday. It's the way it should be. To me, it is a huge signal as to the possibilities of the future, and also, affirmation of all the hard work we have put into this, by trying against all odds to keep our foot in the proverbial door of this open adoption. And to hear Kelli describe it, through tears, after her conversation with Emme, it was a healing moment for her too. It's like, one at a time, Kelli, is facing down the obstacles that have kept her trying to fill the brokenness in her heart with unhealthy habits. And she's filling up the void with the stuff of forever, and future, and love. Awww... what is not to celebrate?

And later in the week, we received a ladybug (remember I've called my girl BUG on here?? Ladybugs have been her thing ~ or I should say, my thing for her ~ since birth!) wrapped package, and it was filled with all sorts of little packages, thoughtful little gifts to celebrate Emme's birthday, as well as thoughtful gifts for Jax as well. So, so, so much fun to see the kids celebrate these small and thoughtful strides towards us all feeling like a family. It was just so... normal, and wonderful. It was very good.

And this isn't the first time that this has happened in the last several months. Kelli has come to rely on us as family as she works towards health, and continues to deal with her grief in losing Ann now a year ago, as well as Shari's move and separation from us all. And it feels so right. And feels so very good that we can be each other's support in this way.

Our Christmas visit was really the first glimpse of this. We traveled through the city and picked up Kelli and Lea, and then to the Fosters and Hannah's house. We shared a simple meal of ham, potato casserole and a veggie, some pie. Normal life huh? And then visiting and playing and laughing, and oh, it was so good. The images that play through my mind of that visit feel so normal, as all the moms sat on the floor putting together toys for the kids, while the dads discussed their jobs and drank coffee after lunch. So good.

And another surprise, something unexpected... a Valentines' Day package from Kelli for both kids. Out of the blue. She did this. And you might be saying, "well, why does it matter?" and all I know is that for so long we have been prying open the door of being family, and it just feel very, very good to have her step through it, and then keep the door open for us to walk back and forth. This is what we were working for.

And we just keep praying and hoping that Kelli and Lea will make it together, and that our relationships will grow strong. I know Emme needs her. And so do we. We can't possibly answer all of Emme's already provocative questions on our own. I can't imagine how parents who don't have access to their kids' other families do it honestly. To be able to call Kelli and say "Emme has questions about her birth dad" and know that Kelli will take the time to answer them as best possible is such a relief, and the way it is supposed to be.

So really, in and among all the hard things there is this very, very good thing working its way into our life. And I can only hope that this is just a start, and it's all good from here.

My Son Has A Hidden Disability, and The Work of Giving Up Denying It

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 21:19:00 +0000

I decided I would just come write out and say it. I have spoken about the possibility, but not much, and not for a really long time. My Sweet Jax has an initial diagnosis of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. To say it's been hard actually getting to the point where I can say that out loud, much less for medical professionals to say it to us, well, that is an understatement. And a long journey getting to this point where we have to face this new reality as a family.

Hearing this initial diagnoisis in late December of last year really hit hard. It's not completely unexpected, but you know, you always hope that there will be some "lesser than" or "more treatable" condition that might come with the effects of prenatal exposure. But finally, after a couple of years of trying to get the local organization who is supposed to be screeing at-risk children's attention to no avail, this doctor took us seriously, and well, even though it is hard to hear, it is a relief to know.

The diagnosis process isn't over yet. In fact, thanks to a very overloaded health system (in Canada it is government run, so a bureaucracy makes the decision about where money is invested in the system) that is especially underfunded in relation to mental health, Jax now sits on a waiting list that is 18 months long. He is scheduled for evaluations the Summer of 2012, which official evaluation and diagnosis in September 2012. That is a LONG WAY OFF. And the FAS clinic here can't really do much until they have something official to go on..

Thankfully, the school system can. Because of the initial evaluation by DocF, and her concerns for him behaviorally and emotionally, we have been able to get some funding that offered Jax a complete occupational therapy evaluation already, as well as an aide in his preschool classroom for the rest of the year, regular OT (occupational therapy) work in the classroom, as well as home visits to help Hubby and I continue to build on what has become a very scheduled life to keep Jax from having an over abundance of meltdowns and stress.

The OT evaluation found him to be "different" (as opposed to typical) in every sensory area except his motor or kinetic. Hopefully with time, I will go into what this all means, but I'll just say this... knowing that many of Jax's issues are sensory-related helps make sense of so much of what we thought was just "quirkiness". And knowing these things offers us tangible avenues to help him, or at least to give him more grace when he is put in situations that are over-stimulating, that his over-sensitive body and brain can't handle. It's like he gets overheated at times, and just like the radiator of a car, when that happens, he has to blow off some steam. That is his reality. That is OUR reality.

As with most things I share on my blog, I have been in turmoil about whether or not to share this part of our story. I've said, in the past, that the last thing I want is my son labelled as a "drug baby" or something like that. But I also don't want anyone to believe for a minute that I am ashamed of who he is because of how he acts sometimes. That couldn't be further from the truth. He is himself, and all that means, and I love him to the core. But I also won't lie about things, most especially to myself, anymore. He is more than "just" a boy, or "just" high spirited. He is dealing with real issues here, and now, as his Momma, I have to face them too. Our whole family does. And this affects the way we live, the choices we make about just about everything.

A diagnosis is not the end of the world. It's the beginning of getting him all that he needs to become the young man he was created to be, and that he is becoming in spite of this struggle. It doesn't change my love for my son, or the essence of who he is. It changes how I see him, and that is a good thing. No longer struggling against what feels like defiance, but rather embracing my pivotal role in helping him make the re-connections that alcohol or other substances caused before he even took his first breath.

So once again, it seems I'm injecting another dimension to what I write here. To say I'm overwhelmed with it all is an understatement. I feel piled on right now, and wondering how we are going to see our way through. But as I said, it is not the end of the world. We will see our way through.

And there will be, I should say IS, so much to be thankful for where Jax's health is concerned. Unlike many kids on this spectrum, he sleeps well, and for now, has manageable (although exhausting) meltdowns, and is physically and cognitively on or above par. Not to mention he's hilarious alot of the time, and draws the love of those around him without really trying very hard. And he has what we call his 'church face' which means more often than not, he copes much better in public than he does at home. Even though it wears on his Momma, it still means that at least for now, school and church are enjoyable, once he gets there and wraps his head around the fact he's there. So there are so many good things, and we celebrate God's protection of his wee brain in those areas. And trust God to give us wisdom and grace through it all.

And hope... we can't get far without hope can we?

What to do about Ty... and the joy, and the heartache

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 19:26:00 +0000

I am at an end with this one.

I know you must think that my life is just one stress after another. Sometimes it feels like it, but I work hard to try to keep things in perspective and moving forward. And hopeful. And positive. Because what else can you do? I can't live if I can't hope so... there you have it. So keep in mind, that with everything going on, I refuse to give up to the stress or the overwhelming feeling of it all. I do this because it hit me last week that like everything else, parenting, and especially parenting children who come from other families, is bittersweet. THAT, my friends, is the starting point. With the joy of being Momma to Emme and Jax comes the sometimes heartache of going through tragic situations, and making difficult decisions.

I wish of course, that this epiphany would have hit me sometime during the last year, as I could have saved myself a whole lot of "why" and "what if" thinking, the kind of stuff that only spirals down if it goes anywhere at all, and just lived. But alas, hello again from the "one who consistently has to learn things the hard way".

So there is joy and heartache all mixed up and that is life in adoption, or at least our life in adoption. I've spoken a little about Ty, Jax's brother. Ty is 18 months older than Jax (and 9 months younger than Emme). We met him the first time about two weeks before Jax was born when we met Vivi and Pat, in their little home, all together. Emme and Ty played together that evening as we got to know each other and they asked us to consider being their soon to be born baby's parents. He wasn't a part of the hospital experience with Jax and Vivi. We didn't know it then, but he was in foster care.

A couple years later, we finally had our first post-adoption face to face visit with Vivi and Ty. It was a great day. We had hoped it would be a new beginning as we had moved within two hours of them, but it ended up fizzling out pretty much before it started. We had to accept the fact Vivi wasn't ready to be in our lives, nor was she ready for us to be in hers and Ty's life.

Fast forward to last summer, amid all the turmoil of Hannah's situation, we get a call from Vivi, out of the blue, desperately asking us to come get Ty. And in the course of 24 hours we learned how much of a struggle life was for them. Ty went into care, and there was some talk of us doing kinship care, but then, when social services filed for a permanency order, and Vivi and Pat contested, he stayed put so that they could have ease in visiting him as they needed.

We were glad he was safe and Vivi had access and awaited the call from Ted when and IF there was need for a home for Ty. Trial was delayed twice due to Pat's circumstances, but it took place finally at the end of February.

A permanent guardianship order was granted by the court. With great sadness we received this news as we knew it was Vivi's dream to be Ty's Mom, and she had such high hopes that in placing Jax with us, she would be able to in spite her struggles. Our hearts are still sad for her and for Ty.

And Ted called. They want us to consider bringing Ty into our family. We've asked about other family members and their interest. They are still checking into it. We've been granted permission to speak directly to his foster parents, and we have a whole list of questions we want to ask, including whether or not they wish to parent him permanently.

We haven't moved forward at all with any of the questions yet, first, out of respect for the process in that Vivi and Pat have 30 days to appeal the court's decision. We refuse to overstep their place.

And further, we're overwhelmed with even considering this. It's all very complicated and involves a whole host of things, including whether or not we would be the best family for Ty, and whether or not his high needs would adversely affect Emme and Jax. We don't have any rose colored glasses on AT ALL about the sheer magnitude of what Ty will go through in being moved to a new permanent home, the trauma it will cause him and the effect his grief and adjustment (or inability to adjust) to our family will cause on the children we already parent. He is six. He has had multiple placements. He has been in a home where there were concerns enough for his well-being that he was removed multiple times. All this plays into whether or not this would be healthy for our children.

It involves grave concerns regarding how Vivi might respond to both boys, if they are together here, since she has spoken very clearly how she has no desire to have a relationship other than a single letter a year, plus pictures with us or Jax, but now states she wants alot of access to Ty wherever he is. I would have no problem with that at all, as we believe in keeping as many connections with biological family as possible on behalf of our childre, but I won't allow favoritism, or for the boys to be treated differently by her if they are both in my care, and to me, this one is a deal breaker in many regards. Jax has enough stuff going on than to be obviously disregarded by his other mother over and over.

Not to mention things like the fact that Ty has been raised as a single child and would fall into our family as the middle child, between two children who are completely bonded to each other, regardless of their lack of biological connection.

And there is consideration for my own mental health in trying to raise two very high needs boys, and make sure that Emme doesn't fall through the cracks, has what she needs, and feels safe, secure and loved in the middle of it all. I will say it here. I'm worn out. I haven't spoken of it much but things for Jax have become quite heightened, with an initial diagnosis related to his pre-birth history (a post for another day), and with occupational therapy and IPPs and all sorts of things to help our little guy. We are struggling with behavioral and emotional issues for him that are not solvable except by longterm planning and care. I can hardly imagine bringing another little boy into our family with similar or even higher needs. Right now, it seems unimaginable to do that.

But then, it seems unimaginable to say 'no' to him either. He is family. He is my son's brother. There is no extended family to rely on. Do we just let him go to some random family who may or may not care that we love him too, even though we feel we can't take care of him? How will I explain to him and to Jax that we chose for them to be raised separately when we could have brought them together in one family. How do we tell them about how their needs together seemed to overwhelm us? How do we NOT do this for him, for Jax?

So... 'yes' or 'no' both seem unimaginable. On my good days I think "let's just do it" and let what happens happen. On my days where I'm searching for perspective, the fear of what that decision might do (good or bad) to all three children is overwhelming.

So right now, we don't decide. We don't dream of him coming here, nor do we embrace him going somewhere else, still hoping we can be in his life. Right now, we wait and hope that clarity will come soon. Or that it will be resolved by someone else more capable stepping up.

And we pray... and love him for a distance. And know God blesses him, walks with Ty there.

Open

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 00:35:00 +0000

I've made the decision to re-open my blog for right now. I felt the need for this to be private for several reasons, the first being a very fragile situation that could have turned into a legal one. Now that it is resolved, I hope to be able to share more freely what is happening in our family, as time permits, as well as participate in conversations about open adoption.

Awhile Away and Finally Over, What Has Happened

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 00:33:00 +0000

Hello. Remember Me? There probably are few who do, and fewer readers yet, but in the end, that isn't what really matters. I'm back, needing to write. I don't know how much time I'll actually get here but for my own sake, and my mental health, I need to write.

Alot has happened since I last wrote.

Okay, who am I kidding? Alot has happened. Period.

Remember way back when in December and how I talked about the situation with Hannah being over? We thought so. But a few short days later, once again, there was a change of heart and the reviews, and appeals, and all of it started up again. I was to the point where I could hardly tolerate it, and frankly, as I sit here today, these last three months have pretty much put my mind and spirit in a fairly fragile space, what with the loss compounded upon loss, worrying about my Emme and the effects of all of this on her, trying to manage a growing adversarial relationship with Nel (much against our will I might add), and working hard to support Nel, Kelli, and The Fosters through a very trying circumstance... all this piled on these last months... and I wonder, no... I KNOW... we will sadly never be the same again.

This open adoption thing is really, really hard. There is no fooling around with these relationships and just like any other family relationships, you have to work, work, work... and give, give, give. But UNLIKE other family relationships, you often come at things with very different experiences and perspectives, and you don't know each other very well, and that complicates matters all the more. I admit to being worn out by it all, and ready for a break BUT...

even though things have now, finally, as of this week, RESOLVED for Hannah, there is alot of work to do, and I'm not ready to face any of it. Yes, we learned that finally, this week, as the Fosters were set to go to appeals with the case, the social workers made the decision to reverse their decision to move Hannah out of the home where she has been since a few weeks old, and move her thousands of miles away. As I said before when I thought this was over, we haven't really felt like celebrating. We're grateful that it is over, but we are sad for Nel and Shari, whom we know had their hopes very, very high that things would work out and Hannah would join them there. Regardless of how hard it has been to understand Nel's reasoning, tactics and viewpoints in all of this, we can't help but feel sad for their loss, and hope that someway, somehow, they will reconcile the fact that we can indeed disagree (as we have in this situation) on some very important issues without giving up on the relationship completely. We must keep working at it for the sake of our daughters, who need their relationship to work.

Hannah will be staying with The Fosters (whose name will probably change as they won't be that anymore!), and it has alot to do, not with the fact that Nel's home would not have been a good one, but rather, because Kelli and Cory, Hannah's first father, finally had the courage to stand up and say what they wanted to happen for Hannah. Kelli for the longest time felt powerless, as if her opinion didn't matter because the social workers ignored her. Cory was never really given a chance, even though he filed to contest permanency. No one ever helped him out to figure out what he could really do for Hannah. Now, they both spoke up, and through a wonderful turn of events, have reconciled (there was alot to work through in relation to how Ann died), and are now looking forward to having their granddaughter and daughter close by for regular time together. And we are looking forward to the same.

So it's over. Hannah will stay in her safe, secure and stable home near her closest birth relatives. We hope and pray that we will be able to, over time, work through our differences with Nel in order to nurture a more healthy relationship. And thankfully, at least we can hope anyway, in the end, it will take us to a more whole and healthy place in our relationships together as Emme's family.

Oh, there's more... so, so much more, about Ty and what is happening in his life, and about a very hard diagnosis we have received for Jax. And also, yes, also about this Momma who is really struggling, but fighting hard to hang on to hope so she can find out where it takes her.

Until...

Little Boy Bows His Head

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Tue, 07 Dec 2010 03:12:00 +0000

Tonight at supper we were talking about how this is Jax's brother's birthday and how I hoped he had a special day. I said, "he's six, Jax!" And Jax thought that was cool because he's now as old as his big sister (sort of...there are nine months between them but of course, Jax doesn't put that together!).

THen Emme asked, "Is he still in foster care?" And I replied that he was.

And Jax said, "In foster care??? Like Hannah?" And I again answered yes.

Then Jax said, "Why?" in that scared little voice. "Did his Momma die?"

And that is when you realize that he has picked up more of what we've been through than we thought. Jax didn't attend the funeral and we've never really talked to him much about Hannah, except that she was Emme's sister and her Momma died and she was in care. Very basic understanding.

I of course corrected him right away and said something to the effect that "no, his Momma just can't take care of him right now?" And of course, Emme the Inquisitor had to know why and we tried to explain that she was sick right now and so Ty had someone else to take care of him.

That's when Jax did the most amazing thing. He said, "I pray for Ty's Momma". And right then and there at the supper table, Jax folded his hand bowed his head and said a prayer asking God to make her better.

Big Momma tears flowed at the beauty of this moment. I rubbed his spiky hair and kissed his cheek, which he proceeded to rub off (or rub in depending on who you ask), and then said, "Jax, you are a truly amazing child".

This got my heart. We pray for Vivi and Ty every night when he says his prayers. He knows Vivi is his birth mom. And he knows Ty has a Mom whom he lives with most of the time. And sometimes he connects the two, but sometimes it's like they are two different people, even though he accepts the idea of brotherhood and the idea of having another mom.

This is a little boy who has openly expressed concern and tears over the fact we can't see Ty. He wants to see his brother. We have explained as best we can that we're sure Ty wants to see him too and we hope that someday soon, that will happen, but for now, Ty's Mom needs time. That is all we know to say.

But Jax is talking about Ty. And praying for Ty's Mom. And longing to see them both. Hopefully soon.

Happy Birthday Ty! We hope you have peace and joy even in this rough time for you. Much love.

Over.

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 15:46:00 +0000

Unexpectedly, after a very long weekend trying to put into words how we felt about all this in a writing to Nel (and sent it to her yesterday), we got a call last night from Foster Mom. Nel decided to withdraw her application to adopt Hannah. We don't "officially" know yet but it is a huge relief to know we won't have to go to court, any of us, and for Hannah's sake I'm am breathing out, but in so many ways, it is no reason to celebrate.

We spent a good deal of time this weekend trying to help Nel understand how we feel in a way that would still enable us all to move forward. She asked for an explanation as someone from the review talked to her about the possibility that much of Hannah's extended family were no longer, because of the time and distance, in support of Hannah's move away. We hadn't told Nel directly because frankly, we have never felt that our opinion mattered in the whole scheme of things. After our opportunity to speak our perspective in the first review, they still upheld the decision to move her so we figured it all was just better left unsaid between us. Ultimately we decided we would support any decision made and thought that was the best way to move forward together. But Nel needed an explanation, and though it was very tough and we agonized over practically every work, in the end, we felt what we said was truth and yet, still offered an open door to relationship if Nel chose to walk through it. What else could we do?

It was a tough, tough weekend. And even though I feel alot of relief knowing Hannah will stay in the stable home with the family to whom she is bonded, I really can't express this enough. I don't want any celebration. There is nothing to celebrate. I am truly broken hearted by both the loss of the possibility that sprang up all those months ago, even through tragedy, of maybe bringing another child into our family. I'm equally sad about all the brokenness between us and Nel and Shari that this has caused. We're certain that how we feel will be something that Shari will have a hard time understanding and not taking personally. It isn't personal at all, as we deeply love Shari. She stole our hearts from day one of meeting her. And we longed for her to be in our family when that time came but the timing as well as Shari's needs made it impossible for us. We just hope with time and a lot of work, we can still work through things and be a family.

I take responsibility for my emotions and viewpoints in all of this and will let Nel do the same. We definitely both hold very different perspectives in this. But hopefully, with time and patience, we can do the hard work of trying to find pieces to fit together and move forward again.

But in the end, it really is a tragedy, Ann's senseless death, and how this whole thing was handled after the fact just plain hurts. So much heartache. In the end, Hannah has what she needs and that is what really matters to us, that that precious little girl is safe and happy.

And I can see hope in the fact, and I give Nel tons of credit for this, that she was able to admit that this move may not be the best thing for Hannah anymore, especially if the rest of the extended family doesn't see it as a good thing. It might have been okay months ago but not now. And I respect her for that. My heart really hurts for her and Shari, and the loss they must be feeling, having been told that this was happening for so long only to have setback after setback. I hope and pray Shari will find a way to understanding it all someday. She's been quite included in the whole process so there's lots to explain. I hope somehow she finds a way through it. She is a little one who has been through so much.

And another good thing, besides the fact Hannah will not be suffering another needless loss in her young life, is that we have come so amazingly far in our relationship with Emme's other mom through all of this. We've been able to be her support and it feels like a real relationship, finally. We talk nearly once a week now and it's about babies and life, and sadness and grief and then hope and grace too. And we are so hopeful that she is able to stay healthy and strong and healing. And that life with her will only get better.

This is good news, yes, but hard all the same. It shows shows again in a very real sense that although adoption can and does bring good things to our families, there is much loss and pain that accompanies it. It's a big thing alot of people who are not adoption-involved don't understand. You don't get it until you've lived through it. And I hope that someday this will be an example to the people who think Adoption is all sunshine and roses, because it just isn't. It may be necessary at times, but it should be a last option. It many bring good to the life of a child who might otherwise live in hard circumstances, but it also means that they will get their hearts broken under the losses as well. But that's adoption.

Today, we are grateful that Hannah can move forward not knowing all this happened for a long time. And we are hopeful that once again, we'll find a way through to growing these relationships in a way they can be whole and healthy for the sake of our children.

So it's over. The Fosters will move to pre-adoptive parents and Hannah stays where she is. Hopefully we can begin the process of moving forward now.

And Sometimes, Maybe You're Better Off Not Knowing.

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 23:27:00 +0000

I talked briefly Mrs. Foster today as she met with the Child's Advocate for Hannah today. The review meeting is in a couple days, and he wanted to share his findings. Basically, the bottom line is what we've known all along. The situation is a mess. And it has been handled very poorly by the workers. Yes. We've known this pretty much for eight months now. It started off complicated and it has only gotten more so with time.

But beyond that, the biggest thing that me in the gut was hearing Mrs. Foster say that they talked about the fact that "if this situation would have been handled well, Hannah would already be in M.... (our city) and we wouldn't be talking. Sob. Gulp.

How does one handle knowing that THIS is a part of the "what might have been" conversation about the whole mess. Really. My heart just plain hurts for us all. All of us. Yes, even Nel. I'm not speaking out when asked about what I believe should happen for Hannah because I don't want her to go to Nel's home. That isn't it at all. I just want the situation as a whole to be considered, and for everyone who is valuable in Hannah's life to be able to be considered important. If she moves, she moves. I don't believe Hannah will in the end, suffer a horrible life. But is it best for her to move her from a home where she's been since she was a few weeks old? And away from her grandmother, the one who knows Hannah's Momma best? That is why I'm speaking up.

I admit to having to work very hard not to become bitter about this. And hearing the "what might have been words" about her being with us really hits me hard in the center of my heart. There is some sort of rejected feeling, knowing things weren't done right. And in the end, it's not about her not being here, which we hoped might have been good for her, but rather about having to go through this whole process at all, and the damage it has caused to relationships all the way around. Those words cut today, and I wish I hadn't heard them. It is no longer realistic or even prudent for there to be a decision to move her here. She shouldn't move. Period. But still. We opened ourselves up. We hoped about the possibility of helping this sweet little girl become who she is to become. And because it wasn't handled correctly well... that's all moot now.

The only thing we can do is cry and move forward. There's a possibility we might be asked to be a part of a larger round table with all the interested adults involved in a discussion. I don't look forward to that possibility at all. Based on the less than compassionate or even cordial (more like curt and angry) responses we've had to our carefully worded attempts to offer care and support to Nel, I can well imagine that will be loads of fun. Because if we were a part of that, I believe ~ as does Hubby ~ that it's time to really speak the truth, and to not try to assuage everyone's feelings. We must do what is best for Hannah. And that's the bottom line. And hope and pray that it will received in the thoughtful and loving spirit it is intended. And that we ~ including the case workers, etc ~ all can take a long hard look at it all and really see what matters.

What matters is Hannah. And her well being. And the chance at a wonderful and good life. Wherever that is.

O God, grant us courage to speak truth, but to do so in such a loving and compassionate way that it won't be misunderstood. We really do want what is best for this little girl. We thought at one time, that we might be the ones. But it isn't us. Grant wisdom to those who decide and courage to the rest of us to move forward working through all the debris left in the quake of this hard thing.

And How I Remember the Hard Work Pays Off

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 20:18:00 +0000

This morning I simply called Kelli to say hello. It's been a little over a week since we talked. Last time she called me just to see how we were faring in light of the big drop in temperature and loads of snow suddenly. It was a trivial reason to call me really, and that is what makes it so incredibly remarkable and so very fulfilling. If you've hung out here for the nearly six years I've been blogging, you've seen my heartache about how it has felt over so long that all our "hard work" in trying to keep an open door with our children's first families seemed to always meet with dead ends. Either they couldn't have a healthy relationship with us, or they refused. And each time, I had to reconcile those results with my strongly held belief that the knowing, even with the hard work and heartache involved, was better than that not knowing. Sometimes I'd reach the conclusion, or get sage advice about the need to back off and find some normal rhythm to our family's life, and we've done so, but never given up.

I must say that it is incredibly remarkable that Emme's other mom called me on a morning several days ago just to inquire about the weather. It's so normal, you know? Normal to talk about the weather. And how the daughters we are raising are doing. And that Lilly finally got those two teeth in she's been fighting for a few weeks. And how they're going to see Santa Claus tomorrow.

Oh, the goodness of knowing what we know now, that hard work, and continued commitment to the open door has done the work of making her feel we care and she matters. THIS is a big deal, for her and even more importantly, for our sweet Emme, our little girl whom we both love dearly.

I called this morning just to see how she is doing with everything that is going on with Hannah, and whether or not she is continuing to get the support she needs to get through the traumas of the last several months, to stay healthy through it all. She sounded so upbeat and positive. And hopeful.

And she let me know a huge decision she has made. She is going to attend the administrative review meeting this week regarding Hannah's case. She is doing this on her own. I can't emphasize how remarkable it is that she feels now so empowered as Ann's Mom and Hannah's Grandmother to make the effort of getting out in the cold, taking the bus/train on her own and be there to speak her mind on behalf of Hannah. It's a big deal because for so long, she has felt she had no power in the whole situation, that she had to remain neutral and not have an opinion, partly because of her history as a parent (and the fact that she couldn't have parented Hailey even if she wasn't already parenting Lilly) and even more, because the case workers and others who should have considered her primary role as Hannah's closest living relative as most vital in this decision. She hasn't been asked by anyone to attend, but has said "I am going". And I am so proud of her! I don't say that in any way condescending, but rather more as a beloved friend and fellow mother who may, just may be getting healthy enough to see the bigger picture and be able to act in it.

She seems to really want Hannah to stay here, and is deeply worried (as we are) that if Hannah moves away we will never see her again. It has become increasingly more obvious over time that that is a real possibility for her and Shari. I don't dare even think it because I will keep fighting for openness as long as there is a possibility of it. That's my job as Emme's Mom. I believe it is in her best interests to keep that door open.

I can't say how good of a feeling it is to know that Kelli is reaching out to us, finding support, and we get to be in her life in a more normal way as well. This is a good thing. A really good thing for us all.

We just keep praying that all will be well in the end once Hannah's future is determined. I guess where things stand at this point is that by the end of next week, we will know what the administrative review results are (the meeting is this week) and depending on the results, there could be an appeal that could go on for months yet. If they decide in favor of the Fosters, there will be no option for appeal for Nel. If it is decided in Nel's favor, the Fosters have the chance to appeal it. All I know right now is that Hannah is safe and loved in her home, and thankfully completely unaware of all that is going on. And we just pray that through it all, we will be able to move forward as a family to rebuild these important relationships. We want to. We hope others want to as well.

It's Always Something

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Fri, 26 Nov 2010 21:28:00 +0000

Today's the traditional day for us to get our house ready for Advent and Christmas. Emme is out of school and playing at a friend's house. Jax is downstairs playing with a friend who came over for the afternoon. Quiet. Peaceful.

And the phone rings. Two different times actually. The first was Hannah's Foster Mom with an update on the progress of the second phase of the administrative review. The first hearing is schedule in a week, with the advocate going on behalf of Hannah this time. The advocate has reviewed everything and supports the foster family at this time as the most beneficial place for Hannah to live. There are all sorts of factors, but the two main ones are the longevity of her time with the Fosters. She's been there since a few weeks old, and is now nearly 18 months. Also, the presence of several birth family members locally is also a big factor in his mind. She was hopeful that things might come to a conclusion even before Christmas, as since Nel isn't a blood relative, she has no appeal if the decision is made in favor of the Fosters this time.

I'm struggling to know what to say to anyone about any of this anymore. I just want it to be over for all our sakes. But right now, my biggest grief in this whole thing is Shari's heart. She's been led to believe (and I feel prematurely) that Hannah is coming to their house. And if Hannah doesn't, I worry about Shari on so many levels. She has had so much loss, including her most recent, that of proximity to her first mom and the family she has known her whole life, and the city where she has lived. I just keep praying that somehow, someway she will find a way to heal from all of this. With that said, I fear just as much for her heart if Hannah were to come there too. I'm not sure how good it would be for her, and the care she needs, to suddenly have a little sibling without all the high needs join their family. Would she get what she needed? I don't know. The reason why we decided she wouldn't come to our family back in 2006 was because we had Emme and Jax and knew we couldn't give her the attention she would need to become more healthy and to heal from all that she had endured. All I know to do is pray, and ask for prayer from those who are willing to go to God on Shari's behalf. All I know to do is hope.

The second phone call was from Ted, the caseworker for Jax's brother Ty, who has been in foster care since June. Social services filed a petition for permanent guardianship and both Ty's parents contested it. The trial was supposed to be this week. Ted said the trial was moved back to February or March now, as Pat, Ty's Dad, didn't have a lawyer present. Ted said Ty is doing really well right now in school and in his current foster home. Vivi has regular visits with him. I don't know all that has happened to bring this situation to where it is, but my heart hurts especially for Ty and Vivi. Ted wanted to keep us in the loop and we told him we thought of Ty lots, and were planning on mailing a package for his birthday next week. They still won't let us have visits, which I suppose is understandable, although Ty still asks regularly (according to Ted) why he can't see his brother. We are set in our decision to consider Ty's situation as it might involve a future in our family WHEN the time comes. This whole thing with Hannah shows us that in these situations, anything can happen. There isn't a decision to make until there is. It is a relief, however, to know Ty is safe and stable where he is right now. We have such mixed feelings about why this is happening, but Ted reassures us that it is necessary. I just hope and pray Ty gets what he needs.

Ahhh... hard stuff. It continues to be hard on my Momma's heart knowing these two precious little people are out there and we can't be with them. And to even know what to do about Ty... well, we leave it to God right now.

Responses, Decisions, and Advocate (ohmy)...

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 13:53:00 +0000

I wish this whole situation with Hannah didn't occupy so much of my energy right now, considering we're the very last in line to have an opinion anyway. But wow... this whole last week I've spent several hours talking about it, especially with Kelli, who is now admitting to being quite distraught about Hannah moving so far away, and whether or not she'll see her again. Sigh... I admit to being emotionally exhausted... I can imagine what Kelli, and the Fosters, and even Nel must be feeling as this whole process drags on. I am just once again, so very thankful that Hannah is oblivious to this battle. She is safe and loved and growing like crazy, cutting teeth, and feeding herself, climbing and chatting. It is such a blessing to know she is shielded in her family right now.

We did receive a response back from Nel to our writing. She failed to acknowledge even one part of how we spoke of the dismissive ways we were treated by social services. I suppose that was to be expected, because to acknowledge it would mean she'd have to admit that things may not have been handled appropriately. She won't ever do that since the decision was made in her favor. She did hold to her main line of thinking that has been prevelent through all of this... namely that this isn't JUST ABOUT Hannah, but also about Emme and Shari too. Of course, on some basic level that is true except, and it's a BIG except, Emme and Shari's interests seem to be diametrically opposed to each other, so how, if we are considering both of them in this, would we ever have their interests considered and still move forward?

I want to respond with what I believe and that is "no, this is ONLY about Hannah" and when Hannah's BEST interests are finally considered, our girls will be considered as well. Because we haven't put Emme's interest a priority in this, even though it has taken a lot of discipline not to, and if we would have, I believe our relationship with many members of the extended family would be ruined. If we had put Emme's interests first, we would have filed our own application to adopt regardless of the decision of the social workers. We have had two opportunities to do that and made the decision not to because we feel that Emme's best interest FOR THE LONG HAUL is not necessarily having Hannah here (as much as we would love that!) but to have the possibility of continued healthy relationships with everyone, including Shari. We felt that if we would have put our own interests (as we feel others have in this situation) ahead, we would have damaged the relationships we've worked so hard to build, and in the end, that would be the biggest failure of all. I fear that in this decision, we're still going to lose out, as Nel's response to us was anything but sympathetic and loving (as we felt our writing was to her). We are choosing not to respond at this point. I mean, what good would it serve? We obviously differ on the fact that we believe that the first priority is Hannah, and a very distant second in the needs of the family as a whole, not necessarily as they focus on any one person.

It's all really sad, but hey, these relationships have been complicated for six-plus years so why should it change now? It is wearing on me though. I chose to wait until this morning to write, because yesterday I was a mess... sad, angry, crying, praying... today I know that it is grief that is a part of recognizing that we continue to llive under the weight of sin, which ultimately plays out in the hard things we do to ourselves and to each other. I have to trust that God is in control, and that He will redeem the outcome for Hannah, this little vulnerable child in such need of God's fierce proteaction. He will, regardless of whether or not I am content with the outcome.

Speaking of outcomes, we heard yesterday that the administrative review decided in favor of keeping the decision as is. I admit to be completely baffled by this, considering they have finally (we though anyway) heard the concerns of those who were never asked their perspective in the first place. I am so disillusioned with the foster system right now. It seems the social workers really don't have anything other than their own interests in mind. What was I thinking to trust "the system"? We made the decision not to file our own application after the initial decision thinking they must know something we don't, but in the end, it really seems like a hollow process.

Needless to say, we understand that an advocate for Hannah is now involved. This is a person assigned who doesn't work for social services, and whose only interest is Hannah. This person has 30 days to gather information and determine whether further review is needed. The advocate wasn't brought in until this point because then this person takes on an adversarial role to the social workers and there was really hope to work something out without that. But at least Hannah has this extra level of care now.

Just in case anyone is still wondering, we do support Hannah staying with her foster family (as if there is any doubt). I admit that it has been a struggle to keep perspective as things have deteriorated with Nel over time, and we've continually felt her lack of support for our family for the last eight months. It's hard not to be resentful and angry at her. But just so it's out there (which means I'm committed to it) I am doing the work even now of finding a way to forgive and move forward, regardless of the outcome. Sadly, we are in the position where we have to accept people as they are and move forward.

I believe it is in Hannah's best interest not to have to move and re-attach to another family. Not that she couldn't do that and survive, but why would she? I also believe it is in Hannah's best interest for her to remain close geographically to her grandmother and first father. I believe those relationships could bring her the most understanding of her mother Ann. I believe as well, that Hannah's best interests are served by her being in a two parent family, with a father present, and one parent staying in the home fulltime to care for her so she doesn't have to be cared for, especially in the most important initial bonding period, by yet another stranger. All those are present in her current family situation. They are not present in the other situation. And that is why we support the reviews that are happening.

Of course, it is in Emme's interest as well to have an ongoing, close relationship with Hannah, something that wouldn't happen, if Hannah moved 1000s of miles away. Emme's already lost that possible continuing closeness with Shari moving away, so yeah, we'd want her close for Emme's sake too. But that isn't priority. That would just be a bonus.

So that's the latest... I expect there won't be much happening in the next 30 days (and there I said it, which means all sorts of things will be happening!!!) as Hannah's advocate takes a look at things. I hope that we can move forward with celebrating the Holidays with some sense of peace, without the heavy weight I've been carrying around these last few weeks.

We continue to bring this whole situation to God and lay it at his feet. It truly is His problem. We pray His Will Be Done for us all...

Finally, said.

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Sat, 13 Nov 2010 19:13:00 +0000

Hubby and I spent a quiet Friday night after Emme and Jax were in bed composing an email to Nel, hoping in as gracious and compassionate a way, show sympathy for her frustration at the added step of reviewing Hannah's case, all the while speaking truth as to our perspective on this whole situation.

With much thought, we both feel very much at peace about it. We made the pinnacle of our words to be our desire and willingness for all of us as a family to move forward together, regardless of the outcome of where Hannah will live. We do truly hope that our initial commitment together, us and Nel, in the early days of all this, to find a way to make it work regardless will be heeded. I have fears about this of course, as her actions haven't supported that ideal much of this process. That in the end is neither here nor there, as we will keep our commitment to do our part, to keep the door open, and hopefully do the work of making the most of what has been a devestating year for our families together, because of losing Ann, because of Nel's decision to move away, and because of the twists and turns that have caused hard feelings between in us during this whole process leading up to a decision about Hannah's future.

We also spoke clearly about how, now that the review is under way, we see the good side of it, most namely that finally all perspectives have the possibility of being a part of the discussion, that finally, we have been in contact with those involved in this review, and were able to answer the questions that we believe should have been asked of us in March or April. We didn't say much more than that, except to let her know that how we were treated, that we were never asked for a homestudy, that our phone calls were never returned, that we were ignored. So we felt surely this process might 'clear the air' on a whole bunch of things, making it possible for all of us to move forward together.

We also spoke clearly of our concerns for Kelli, and how according to what we know, her opinion and perspective was also ignored. As the closest relative (with the exception of Hannah's father, who decided to sign his rights over), Kelli's voice should be a primary one to be heard. And in this process, she has the opportunity to let them know what she wants.

All in all, we reiterated our stand all along... we just want the best for Hannah. And we hope this review brings together all the information in a way that finally the best decision can be made. Whether it be for her to move to live with Nel, or stay with her foster family, either way, we are committed to moving forward.

We wrote and then 'slept on it' to make sure that our words were measured and as loving as possible. And I might add... I slept more peacefull than I have for weeks. And this morning, we sent it in hopes that this is yet another first step towards the future together. My hopes aren't real high right now though. Our communication with Nel has trickled off to nothing, even though we respond fairly immediately to any contact she offers. I know she's busy working and parenting, and there are seasons when contact just isn't as frequent. I also know that based on our past experiences, and how we've seen her work at times, we fear that she'll give up on us too. I hope not, for the sake of all of these girls.

So that is the extent of our communication with her. We hope she receives it in the spirit it was intended and responds gracefully as well.

As we've thought this through, we don't know what part Nel may have played in how this all happened, and are choosing to believe the best that really, Bree, the previous caseworker, and her supervisors, bear much of the responsibility for all that has happened. I can't imagine that Nel just sat back and let the process happen knowing her as we do, and as evidenced by our previous correspondence with her. I can believe that she most probably pushed hard every step of the way and that leads me to believe that they bent under that pressure.

We didn't push at all, just asked over and over for Bree to tell us what she needed. We are 'one step at a time' kind of people. We thought we were doing what was right in letting the process happen as it needed, especially as it related to Hannah's father and the determination of his rights. We don't regret that decision at all, however, we thought they had lots of time to make the decision about Hannah's future and were truly shocked when we got the call six weeks BEFORE his trial was scheduled. Little did we know that some had known this decision was in the works weeks even before we were told, which means possibly the last two times we saw Nel and Shari (one time they had Hannah with them, the other time we had seen Hannah for a day just our family, and visited with them the next afternoon) they already knew that this was happening for them. These reasons, along with the fact that Kelli never really got to have input into the previous decision, are the reasons we are supportive of the review process, and hopeful that the right decision will be made, this time with alot more care and consideration for the whole picture.

I've decided too, that I can't live angry about this. I can only do what I can do to support others now regardless of the decisions made. Sometimes though, it's hard always feeling like I/we have to be the bigger people in all of it. But I couldn't live with myself otherwise. We can hold our heads up high knowing we did all we could in the process to respect others involved. We did not seek our own way in this. We put aside our wants in hopes that Hannah would get what she needed. We had hoped it would be us. But that didn't happen for all sorts of reasons. We move forward. What else can we do? In hope.

Finally, heard...

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 18:00:00 +0000

The day finally came. It's been months in the making, but finally, I spoke to Hannah's current foster care caseworker. Amy actually listened. Hubby and I had talked at length about what we wanted to say as we anticipated the possibility of being able to speak directly into the situation and review of Hannah's case, rather than simply and helplessly sit here and wait for others to give us their interpretation of what was happening. I didn't realize until after the phone call with her how truly marginalized we have felt in this whole situation. We haven't tried to think on that, but only what Hannah needs and Emme too, but from this conversation, and being included as a part of the process, it was made clear that something had been done by someone to usurp the process put in place towards deciding what was in the best interest of this child.

We opened the conversation with me trying to define for her a little more clearly our involvement. I spoke of our initial conversation with Bree, the previous caseworker, at Ann's funeral and how she basically plopped Hannah into my lap and said, "we have to talk..."

I told her more of our initial conversations with Nel, and how she was adamant that we get involved because Hannah needed to be with family and Nel couldn't do it because of her work situation and Shari's high needs at this time. We told her we didn't know what or who influenced her change but by the end of that month, Nel had changed her mind and was telling US how she was going to adopt Hannah and was working on getting regular visits, even anticipating possible early custody of Hannah. We told her our struggles in very vague terms, of always trying to be supportive of Nel in the early days and as time went on, feeling more and more stress by her inconsideration of us and her drivenness to move this forward for herself.

We also told her how there was never a homestudy done on us, no formal interviews, no responses from Bree...nothing, until of course, that phone call mid-June when she told us that they had looked at both of "these beautiful families" thoroughly and had made the decision that Hannah would move away from everyone and live with Nel and Shari. We told her of our shock, because all our requests for information, for what we needed to be doing were ignored. We had sent in our old homestudies as they said "there wasn't time to do one on us". I wanted to know why there wasn't time when there was at least six weeks before the scheduled trial and 30 days after that before really, they had to make this decision. We wanted to know why the decision was made the way it was, and how the biggest question of all...

what was the reason we were not considered with equal weight as a possible family for Hannah?

That really, is our main question. We feel that someone put undue pressure on the caseworkers to make the decision, and they bent under that pressure. But hey, we have no evidence so we had to let it go. Amy listened in what seemed like an attentive spirit (as much as you can hear that in a phone call) and at this point, she stopped me there and said something I thought we'd never hear. She didn't apologize but she made it very clear by her words that although she couldn't provide any information on the decision of previous workers, she was relieved that a review was filed on this case so that it could be properly assessed. And that "on behalf of the department, we want you to know" that your input, information and interest is valuable in this process. She said there were alot of red flags and their entire office was working to review this very complex case. She offered the numbers of her supervisor, and even the department head if I wanted to file a complaint about how we were treated.

At this point, I, and you know me, started crying. It was such a relief to hear them affirm that we were important in all of this. All along we've felt like we were dragged into this and then left dangling, wondering, with our hearts out there hoping.

I wanted to reassure her that although we had tons of questions, we understood that there probably weren't any answers she could give me, but that we felt more at peace knowing that they were looking it over again. All we wanted was what was best for Hannah. Even though at this point in time, that meant that we probably wouldn't be considered again, and that is not what we are asking right now, we only wanted Hannah to have what she needs to become who she is to become.

She then asked me what I wanted to happen in this case. I told her how Hubby and I asked in the very beginning whether the Fosters were interested in keeping Hannah, and we were told that "it wasn't an issue". We told her that we are not only committed to openness in the relationships with our kids' other families but that we have spent years taking the initiative to make sure that contact happened however it happened. We told her we were deeply concerned that a move away from Hannah's roots and first family connections, especially her grandmother would be a detriment. And a move away from the only family to whom she is really bonded, at this age, would be yet another traumatic loss for someone so young.

So, with this in mind... we told her that we felt that it was in Hannah's best interest to stay right where she is, as long as the Fosters were willing to have open contact with all of us (and they have said as much, and followed through on that commitment already). We said that although we were sad for us, we knew that this was the right thing to do right now and we supported the Fosters in this.

We also told them that IF it came down to the department determining that since there were interested families with biological relatives in them, that she should go to one of those families, then and only then would we want to be considered, this time with equal weight, as a possible family for Hannah.

As much peace as we have about the decision to support Hannah staying with the Fosters, we also know that Nel is not and will not be happy about that. She has in so many ways brought her situation on herself and doubly so on Shari by sharing every detail of the process with her. They have their hopes up so high. We are one step at a time kind of people and it is obvious that they are not. If this doesn't work out in her favor, I'm not sure what will happen. The history of the last few months leads me to anticipate her cutting contact, or at least minimalizing it to a degree that it really is nothing. And that's too bad. It really is. Our commitment in the beginning was to do what we can to preserve this relationship. We have done our part as far as we can. But we can't put Nel's needs above Hannah's in this. And we feel that for so many reasons, it would be better for Hannah to stay where she is. I'm still so in conflict about how to respond to Nel at this point. She is waiting our response about this, and I really want to be as gracious as possible with the truth, offering still, a way through to repairing our fragile relationship that has endured the earthquake brought on by how social services has handled all of this.

I'm sighing deep right now... I hope that in speaking here about all of this, that I can continue the work of making peace with our disappointment. I spoke to the Fosters yesterday as well and she relayed to me that there was some discussion about why we weren't properly considered and how that might have been the best solution of all. THAT, my dear readers, is what breaks my heart. We could have enjoyed the utter and complete privilege of being her family. But... we move forward, knowing we did our best on our end to respect the process, and others in the process, and put Hannah's needs first and foremost. And we continue to go to God in prayer that His Hand will be in and through it all, guiding us... and guiding those making this most important decision for this little girl we have come to love so deeply.

Complicated

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 04:01:00 +0000

Things have really gotten weird and therefore you are privileged to get three posts in one day after not hearing from here regularly for ages. Lucky you.

...did you just hear that deep sigh?.... probably from all the way across here to there, but yeah, there's sighing and unraveling over here and it's almost too much.

The administrative review on Hannah's file was filed by the Fosters last week. This is the foster family's recourse to be taken when a move date has been set. The file goes to those in at arm's length supervisory roles within the agency. And everything is reviewed and parties are interviewes regarding their concerns and what they feel social services should do about it. Social services has 10 days to determine if the decision made on Hannah's behalf needs to be re-made (is that a word?) and then five more days until the new decision is made. Unless, as is always the case in something legal, social services files an extension because the case is complicated. Such as this one.

But they've started reviewing it all, and we've been asked to call the social worker tomorrow to speak to our concerns and remedies. To talk about how we feel things have been handled. Finally, we are getting a voice in the matter. I'm all tied up in knots, anxious, but still feeling surprisingly better, just knowing that maybe just maybe, Hannah will get a fair shake and we'll all have answers.

And something happened today that has never happened before. Kelli felt somehow empowered enough to stand up for herself and her grandmotherhood to Hannah. She has felt so helpless all along because no one would listen, or that is how she felt. And finally, she called and she got the social worker (the new one... it was the previous worker who wouldn't even take her calls) and was able to say what she wanted, and she felt she was heard.

After that call Kelli called me back to tell me all this, and I could have jumped up and down for her, just knowing that she had taken this empowering step to let her feelings be known in the whole situation. And now I know how she feels about it too, something she hasn't been willing to share because she didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, or cause Nel to decide she couldn't see Shari anymore.

It's all almost too much. I'm exhausted by the burden of it all, as now, we are getting information from three sides of things (unsolicited I might add) and its all a jumble and we are determined not to let anyone influence what we say but to only focus on what we feel is primary, and that is making sure that Hannah's best is priority.

Because the rest doesn't matter really. It shouldn't matter as long as Hannah gets what she needs where she needs to be. I can't dwell on how I feel, or the possibilities of what we may have lost but rather on the questions that need answered for Hannah's sake.

Tomorrow, I want to tell them a few things:

1) I want to talk about how we asked social services about the Fosters interest in being Hannah's family and how we were told it wasn't an issue.

2) I want to talk about how I feel that Hannah's closest original family members have been disregarded in this whole process. First, in making this decision before Hannah's father's rights were determined was not only premature but disrespectful of his place in her life. Regardless of what he had done or not done, he had a right to a fair hearing and I wonder if he felt pushed into surrendering his rights somehow by the process and decision making that was happening. Maybe he didn't know so it wasn't a factor. But still... there was no disrespect for the process that needed to happen in order for him to have his voice as her father heard.

3) And further on #2, I want to talk about how I feel that Kelli's very important opinion in all this was disregarded by their lack of interest in her opinion. Who would be better to be near Hannah than her grandmother, even if she wasn't able to care for her every day? Moving Hannah is so much piling on the grief and guilt that Kelli already feels. I am so angry on her behalf I can hardly think it through. First, this agency states they think that birth family is the most important (and why they disregarded the Fosters) and then they are willing to move this child away from her roots, most of her original family. That's nonsense.

4) I want to speak to the fact that we feel there was never equal consideration for us alongside Nel even though we had equal weight in the family. Both of us were families to one of Hannah's birth aunts. Why did they get the homestudy and we never did? Why did anyone ever start that process with us but just decided on the other family without full consideration? I sent in our old homestudies at their request, but that isn't the process. Why were they in such a rush to make this decision, WEEKS before the father's rights were to be determined? What was the rush? Was there pressure from somewhere to make this decision? It definitely wasn't from us if there was.

It's already too much... I could go on and on about how I feel about many other aspects of this, but really it doesn't matter. It really doesn't. What matters is Hannah getting what she needs and very soon. It's about Hannah.

Yes, I have a son named Jax.

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 20:40:00 +0000

You would think, as writing goes, that I only have one child. It seems that way from reading here doesn't it? Well, Jax is doing really well, loving life, filling all his waking moments with the energy I believe only four year old boys have the capacity to use up. He is truly a Momma's Boy in the most loving and wonderful sense of that phrase...just an incredible kid. He's got stuff, don't get me wrong, but it all, I can't tell you what a good experience it is being his Momma.

I haven't written much about him in recent months as Jax's story in adoption seems (and the key word is "seems") fairly mild compared to all that has happened with Emme and her family, but...

in some ways, there isn't that much to tell although I fear, sadly, that the parallels are way too similar. In the middle of all the stuff in Emme's family, smack in the middle of June, we received a phone call from Vivi, Jax's other mom. This was in and of itself a shock, as she had decided last year that she didn't want that kind of contact. And we respected her wishes, as well as letting her know that our door was always open.

Over the course of that weekend, we found out that Vivi was struggling and Ty, Jax's older brother by 18 months, was going into foster care and she wanted us to consider bringing him into our home and family. After that weekend, as things played out, she backed off from that request because it became clear to her that in fact, this was it. It's hard to talk about on here because I love Vivi. I consider her to be good people. But the stuff of life, and all that, keeps her struggling, and it seems, there are many concerns about whether or not Ty should be in her care anymore.

Believe me when I say Hubby and I cried tears, both of us, over this realization at that time. And we took some serious time out of our schedule to talk about what our future might look like if indeed, we were seriously asked to bring Ty into our family. We had to let the decision making go as really, there wasn't, and still isn't a decision to make. Social services did file for permanent guardianship of Ty, and Vivi and Pat are contesting it, and so we wait and hope that the right decisions are made on his behalf. I really, really (a thousand times really) don't want Ty and Vivi to be separated. I think it will break both their hearts. And I've been praying for their to be a way that they can be together and Ty still gets the stability he needs as a young boy whose been through so much already. How can we think otherwise? How do you manage these conflicting feelings, wanting them to be together but worried that being together might be both their undoing?

I know Vivi has received tons of support both from Social services and her community. She has talked of that. And so did her social worker when we met with him at Vivi's requests shortly after the weekend of phone calls. But right now, we wait for the trial, which apparently might happen sometime in the next month or so. But Ty turns six in a few weeks. He doesn't have alot of time for them to wait about his future. And we really don't know what we would do if it comes to the point where he needs a home and they ask. We don't have to know as it isn't our decision to make right now. But the open-endedness of the life of yet another family member really weighs on our hearts.

We hope... we pray... we love our son, and love his other family too. Jax doesn't know much more of this except is brother is in foster care and that's why we can't see him right now. He's started asking alot of adoption-related questions recently as he's realized that Emme gets phone calls, and visits and pictures of her other family and he doesn't. And he told me last night he's made that "his Vivi" won't let him visit "his brudder". That is how he sees it. I tried to affirm his desire to see them all the while hopefully, deflecting his frustration from Vivi onto other circumstances like timing etc.

We don't know what will happen, but once again, we're praying for our kids' other families. And loving our kids deeply through it all.

And then there's the good...

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 20:14:00 +0000

One of the amazingly, nearly miraculous twists of the story of our family's life in the months since Ann's death, is the way that Kelli has really started to rely on us as family ~ for support, affirmation, celebration and counsel ~ in the months since Ann died. Up until that day, there were alot of things we didn't know. I believe that Kelli felt it very important NOT to "bother us" with her drama. I believe she didn't want us to perceive her as weak, and equally, she was just plain embarrassed by all that had happened in her life, both things done to her by decisions or choices or neglect by others, and the choices she had made herself that had brought on the hardships.

I have always believed in Kelli, and that her most genuine and healthy core she is loving and kind and desired to be healthy. I saw that in her the first time she walked into a room where we were, just two days before Emme was born. She looked worn out by life, tired of carrying her life around, fearful... and yet, there was real life. And in this woman, I saw someone who, as different a background we may have had, I knew that with time and work, I/we could have a lifelong and loving relationship with. I still don't know where that feeling came from, except most possibly an God-given insight to motivate us to maneuver through the hard stuff to get to the real stuff of having a relationship with her. And it has gotten us this far, this insight, to keep trying, to keep pushing on that slightly-cracked door that led to a relationship that could be of benefit to us all as a family brought together through a common child named Emme, whom we all love and for whom we all care deeply and want what is best.

Kelli's first "reaching out"came in her request the day after Ann died, that we serve as her pastors through the time of the funeral. We considered it an honor and a privilege to be a part of her life, and the life of her family, most of whom we hadn't met yet, most of whom didn't know we or Emme existed. We were also overwhelmingly grateful for the request even as the full impact of that undertaking hit us. It signaled the possibility yet again that there was something between us. That even with all the silence, and running from the commitment of working on this relationship, the pushing back, she saw us. And she saw in us more than just the people who were raising her daughter, but rather people who had been there for her even over this long haul, so maybe, we could be trusted with her heart afterall.

I've spoken of it already, but that whole experience was truly amazing. And like Emme's birth, being together in that way in our grief as a family, bonded us together even more. And through it all, Kelli has done the hard work of sobriety (now over a year!!!) and put forward her heart to share with us. And we hope that we've been the support she needs. It seems so, as over and again since then, we have had some incredibly moving times together, both in person and through telephone contact. She calls us. DID YOU HEAR THAT?

She calls us now, just to visit or give us an update on news, or if there's something she needs to talk through. She's kept her commitments both to counseling there and to staying sober and all that support has helped her. And she freely takes our phone calls as well, welcomes them, and things have gotten so much easier. When you have regular contact ~ whether in person or via phone ~ there's something about it that becomes more like every day living. More natural I guess. We're not always starting at question one. We know what is happening in each other's lives.

Just yesterday she called after receiving a double dose of news that she found really hard to hear and process. We talked... I didn't have really any answers, although in the end, I was hoping to offer her some perspective on it all, but truly spent the time listening, trying to understand where she was coming from. And marveling at the fact we were having the conversation at all, that we were the first people she called when she received the news and needed to tell somebody. I'm thankful for that step on her part, and grateful that we can be in each other's lives this way.

And in the reality of even more goodness, Kelli's calls also mean that she and Emme are starting the have their own conversations together, ones where I don't have to prompt them. Yesterday, Emme was downstairs and I just called down, "Emme! It's your other mom on the phone!" And she came running up, took the phone and said hello. Simple as that. They talked about I don't know what, but I feel so strongly that their conversation will somehow, help... help when they need to help, for both of them as still, we face and will face more struggle and grief in this time.

But in the middle of it, there is good... really good. Hopefully, permanently good.

And a bit of housekeeping...

noreply@blogger.com (Tammy) — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 20:58:00 +0000

if you're here from one of the message boards I have been a part of, both the Adoptive Parenting Board, and my Sistas and Skillet Board, or have been a part of this blog through the Open Adoption Blogroll, please pass the word that if others want access they can email me at hoping365@gmail.com. This isn't to intentionally leave anyone out from those places for sure. Those who have been a part of our story are surely welcome.