You Look Nice Today

Lonely Polisher

You Look Nice Today — Fri, 22 May 2009 18:35:01 -0400

Seattle LIVE!: April 23, 2009

We teamed up with our pals Jordan, Jesse, Go! and took the Monsters of Podcasting on the road. Our Pacific Northwest Megatour kicked off in Seattle on Thursday and finally ended in Portland, on Sunday. In between: laughs, tears, exhaustion, roadies, groupies, monkeys…typical superstar stuff.

In this episode, we give a little bit back to our listeners. These are tough times. Money is tight. Luckily, we’re here to help. With Adam and Merlin’s antique appraisal expertise, you’ll be digging treasures out of your crawlspace in no time.

Check out more photos from the Northwest Megatour here.

Photos: Lonely Polisher by Jason Permenter,
YLNT: Road Monkey by Jason Permenter,
Roadmonkey + lonelysandwichjr by twinch.

Angry Captain

You Look Nice Today — Wed, 06 May 2009 18:28:27 -0400

INT. DINGY POLICE CAPTAIN’S OFFICE IN THE 80’s - NIGHT

The chair behind the captain’s desk is empty. Two men sit, smoking, in folding chairs facing the desk. CABINTIRE (Adam Lisagor) relaxes in one chair; FLEECE (Emmanuel Lewis) fidgets in the other.

FLEECE
Cabintire, I told you, man! Captain wasn’t gonna be cool with this!

CABINTIRE
Put your panties back on.

(Cabintire hands Fleece a pair of frilly panties.)

FLEECE
First of all, no, man, that’s nasty. And they ain’t even my size!

The door swings open, then slams shut. CAPT RIFFLES (Dennis Franz) stands looking down at the two detectives, shaking his head, chuckling.

RIFFLES
Detective Cabintire.

CABINTIRE
(Sneering)
Yes … sir.

RIFFLES
Would you mind telling me what this is?

(Riffles holds up a bloodied yoga mat.)

CABINTIRE
I believe they call that “evidence” in the police business, sir.

RIFFLES
They might have called it that. Before you took it home and wiped your Downward-facing Dogs all over it for a few weeks. What were you thinking?

FLEECE
Goddammit, man! You’re crazy! I did NOT leave Langley for this bullshit!

CABINTIRE
Why let a perfectly good yoga mat go to waste? Keep your panties on, Captain.

(Cabintire hands Riffles a pair of lace panties.)

FLEECE
Where you get all these panties from, man?

CABINTIRE
Oh, these? They’re a gift from my aunt. My Aunt YOUR MOM.

(The phone rings.)

RIFFLES
Yeah? Oh Jesus. (Hangs up phone.) We got another guy on the roof, over on 72nd & Waldorf.

FLEECE
Who? A jumper?

CABINTIRE
No. A fiddler.

RIFFLES
How’d you know that, Cabintire?

CABINTIRE
NO TIME. Get in my Vanagon, I’ll explain on the way.

ONE MORE THING: In the episode Adam briefly mentions Birdhouse, his new iPhone app. Although YLNT officially endorses BirdBath Pro Lite™ as our Twitter app of choice, we must admit that we greatly prefer Birdhouse. Learn more, watch the video, and buy the thing already:

http://birdhouseapp.com/

If you love him you will buy it. Do you hate him? Is that why you’re still reading this? Wow, I’ll let him know. I’ll let him know you made your point, loud and clear, pal. But don’t be surprised if, late tonight, you get a call from Detective Cabintire, wondering where his whiskey money is. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Visit Hernes!

You Look Nice Today — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 01:31:11 -0400

The You Look Nice Today Writer’s Retreat is located in the bristly pine hillocks just west of Coalinga, CA, accessible via Interstate 5 or the Pook County Community Airfield. Men and women whose applications have been approved (and checks cleared) are welcome to use the retreat and its 200-acre arboretum for reflection, meditation, and vigorous masturbation.

Hernes, the historic mansion where we serve supper and hold readings, towers over the cottages that dot the rest of the property. It was originally built to house a hot spring spa whose radium-based treatments drew convalescents from as far away as Kettleman City. The spa proved too costly—and too carcinogenic—to maintain, and the owners abandoned the property in 1911. We took over the place in 2005, and have kept the fire lit ever since. Come any evening between May and September and you’re sure to find a pot of Adam’s famous beluga lentil stew a-boil on the range.

A near-certain bout with cancer is a small price to pay for the quiet, and the camaraderie, of this special place.

Selected past Resident Writers and the works they completed at Hernes:

Halm Greenbread: The Do-Overs
Justice Brie: Who Am I Slash What / A Dialectic
Cresstin Keeper: Krishna Steals the Peanut
Robert Langdon: Awoke Slowly
Stoop Hass: Miracles of Near-Flight

Brochures available soon!

Estate photographs by Hernes Head Groundskeeper Jason Permenter. See the large version here.

Monsters

You Look Nice Today — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 17:25:24 -0400

We learned that The Smoking Gun was about to publish this, so we decided to get it out there first. Someone, at some venue where we’ve performed in the past, got a hold of our performance contract’s “rider”: the addendum that spells out how we’d like the dressing room to be set up, etc.

Background: together with our podcast pals Jordan, Jesse Go!, we occasionally perform live as the Monsters of Podcasting. In fact we’ve got two shows coming up: one in Seattle on April 23 and one in Portland, OR on April 26.

We love Jordan and Jesse. We think their show is fabulous. Without them there certainly would be no Monsters of Podcasting. Are they demanding? Sure. Unreasonably so? OK, maybe sometimes—see the rider. But we love them anyway.

They’ll be criticized, maybe even vilified, for the contents of this document. But you know what? We’ll stand by them. Well, near them. Kind of close-ish. The same room. Probably.

Trancript of the leaked email (or see the original here):

From: REDACTED
To: REDACTED @ hotmail.com
Subject: (! High Priority !) MOPs Appearance

Hi Tina—

Please find the fellows’ standard dressing room requests below. Note that this was agreed to in the final (signed) version of the contract dated 12/14/08. [winking emoticon]

Thanks—

AFF

Alan F. Furstwether
Manager, MOPs
11 Sunset Pkwy
Coalinga, CA 93210

=====================

MONSTERS OF PODCASTING DRESSING ROOM SET-UP

YOU LOOK NICE TODAY

Please provide:

3 chairs
A few Diet Cokes, or whatever you have around, no big deal (Adam gets thirsty)

=====================

JORDAN, JESSE GO!

Venue has agreed to provide:

2 mahogany and/or teak writing desks
2 Aeron++ chairs, NEVER USED, arranged: Lumbar 14, LB 7, Leg height 2.3, spine angle 79.8º
Bow tie steam press
Stereo CD player w/ remote, turned on, set to play track #8 of Sade’s Promise on repeat
Rand McNally’s Atlas of the United States, pages 45-72 torn out
1:18 scale replica of San Francisco International Airport’s non-denominational prayer chapel
3 heads butter lettuce, buttered
3X5 notecard taped to the mirror, with the name of the venue’s city and area code written on it
1 native Portuguese speaker
That day’s Craigslist W4M “Missed Connections” printed out, all proper names highlighted
Vase of white roses smashed on the floor, then glued back together as if nothing ever happened
2 yellow men’s Size L T-Shirts. One says BANANNA, the other says PANTS. Note the misspelling.
A treasure map that leads to real treasure

Vachina

You Look Nice Today — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 17:04:44 -0400

Making college affordable, restful, and culturally relevant; the cupping comforts of secondary scholarship; Adam becomes a costumed mascot and buys a new koch; how many greeting cards does it take to change (or not change) Los Altos?; Playing Marco Polo with immigrant labor; sweet corn, fresh from the tank; Leopold Bloom, Herman Blume, and the subtler hermeneutics of dysentery; abrupt Chinese c*nsorship; Merlin gets talk-blocked by a blogless Belizean zookeeper; Kraftwerk speak through a vocoder about “Das Futur”; the suspicious motions of Ad Hoc Tai Chi; still no cream for senioritis; and Scott offers East Arcadia State’s surviving TAs an urgent drum solo.

Photo Credit: The Lion sleeps tonight by law_keven (cc by-sa)

OPN♥WDE

You Look Nice Today — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 12:20:14 -0500

Merlin: Boy Scout
Scott: Boy Scout
Adam: YMCA Indian Guide

Christmas Is Near

You Look Nice Today — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 15:28:24 -0500

Listen as we conduct our exclusive pro gift-giving super-session TED Talk master class webinar. Over $600 in essential GiftWisdom™ is yours for FREE. Topics include, but are not limited to:

Virtual presents
Secret Santa? Secret Sucker!
1978
Holiday photography essentials
Lessons from Guantanamo Bay
Cinco de Nada
A members-only sponsorship opportunity

As a special bonus, Adam reveals his secret “Thought That Counts” method: learn how to give gifts without actually giving them!

But wait, you say, I’ve already completed my Christmas shopping. Heck, I’ve even given out all the presents already! Whatever, busybody. Luckily, these Power Tip Essentials are just as relevant for anniversaries, birthdays, and any other holiday where gifts are expected.

Also Included, Absolutely Free: Holiday letters, a new typeface for a new generation, unnecessary repetition in the 12 Steps, special razors, stoplight entrepreneurs, beard equity, just $250.

The Noises Rest

You Look Nice Today — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 15:53:49 -0500

Most people assume that silent films were silent for technological reasons—that there wasn’t a way to capture and reproduce sound along with the moving image in those classic early films.

That’s a lie: the technology was never a big deal. Directors at the time simply chose, for aesthetic reasons, to embrace the purity of silence.

When the Silent Film Institute* asked us to create something inspired by the era of silent films, we knew we had to honor the early foley artists, those brave sound effects engineers who chose silence over noise.

Three of our best pals are foley artists, and by a fantastic coincidence, they’re working right now on a project we simply had to document.

We’ll let Evan, Lanolin, and Tiborg tell you the rest of the story.

The video also is available in a much prettier HD version.

* It was The Museum of Modern Art. We’re assuming the Silent Film Institute does not actually exist. If they do, please note that we are referring to the Silent Film Institute that does not actually exist, not the one that does exist that we didn’t know about when we were making this. Or something.

YLNT wrote this. Editing, direction, all other production: Adam.

Oh, and here’s a little outtake thingie too.

Our Theme Music

You Look Nice Today — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 15:19:40 -0500

Many have asked, so here is the full story:

Our opening theme music is a track called “Pony Gallop (Morning Surprise),” by the Five Senses. They were a mostly-ukulele jam band out of Montréal, famous for their 4 hour sitar/uke trance sessions and subsequent pancake breakfasts. Sadly, their CD’s were deemed “obscene” by US Customs (a clerical error, one must assume), and all copies were destroyed at the border. Worse, the band had forgotten to hold on to the original recordings.

The Five Senses finally disbanded when their entire tenor uke section disappeared while berrying in Greenland. Our possession of one tiny fragment of one song is pure luck: Merlin was working at the incinerator where the ill-fated CD’s were sent to be destroyed. He rescued one half-melted disc from the flames, and spent the next year piecing together the 1’s and 0’s—the digital scraps of the once-proud ukelele band’s magnum opus.

That year of labor yielded the song fragment you know as our opening theme. Gallop on, proud ukulelists. Gallop on.

YLNT listener Scott heard this story of courage and dedication, and came forward with his own Five Senses artifact. He owns what might be the only physical evidence that the band ever existed: a jewel case from their legendary performance at the Festival International de Jazz de Montréal. Sadly, the music itself is lost.

Download “Pony Gallop (Morning Surprise).”

Photo: Mixed Spleens, The Five Senses

Nickelpuss

You Look Nice Today — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 18:35:33 -0500

1930’s wandering troubadour Trinket Pills (? - 1939) scored a brief hit on the Wichita charts with his plaintive Ballad of Joey Nickelpuss:

Th’ evil alley boys taunted him,
But ole’ Young Joe made his way.
Terrible crash of bowlin’ pins
Th’ sound of a long long day.

Rags to riches to rags it went,
Th’ boy would rage and cuss.
“Mama ain’t mama for me no more,”
Spit poor little Joey Nickelpuss.

We’re bringing back ‘ole Young Joey Nickelpuss. A generation of children need a hero for these lean times.

Also: New directions in car horn technology, why does Adam’s car smell so good?, “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”: A Synopsis, secular bands, paper swords, ad hoc ninjascapades, what’s on your wall.

Photo: Bowling

VSOP Roundup

You Look Nice Today — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 13:22:10 -0500

We’re basking for one more moment in the afterglow of the past three weeks. YLNT VSOP was pure joy.

Future VSOP (YLNT + Hodgman + Coulton) scheduled appearances:

Look for the five of us in paper hats, tending the falcons, at the 2009 Minnesota State Fair.
We’ll be teaching a course entitled “Bacon and Bicycles: Critical Perspectives on Quicksilver” at Deep Springs College in 2010.
In December 2011, we hope to sell our predecorated miniature Christmas trees on the corner of 22nd & 9th. Look for the white van.

The VSOP Episodes

I: Selfish Express
II: Faux Tog
III: Faire du camping

Related Ephemera

Session photographs by Ryan Carver
“Selfish Express” production journal
MN State Fair booth poll

Our Guests

John Hodgman (buy his book here)
Jonathan Coulton (buy his poems set to music here)

Photo by Ryan Carver

Faire du camping

You Look Nice Today — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 03:00:30 -0500

If “penultimate” meant “last,” this would be the penultimate episode of our VSOP series. Thanks again to John Hodgman, Jonathan Coulton, and the sturdy padlocks on the studio doors that prevented their escape.

This episode will be more interesting than average for: farmers, Québécoises, basket weavers, camp counselors, small business owners, and a capella aficionados.

This episode will be less interesting than average for: dancers, hair stylists, carnies, Renaissance buffs, vegans, and criminals.

Original photo by Pete Ryan. (We modified it.)

Boothies

You Look Nice Today — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 03:10:59 -0500

We’re not very good with money. Our accountants gnash their teeth as each promising opportunity disintegrates into a costly failure. That’s why we’re really excited about the booth we’ve been offered at the 2009 Minnesota State Fair. Anyone who’s ever been to a fair knows that you can sell anything to a chunky yokel holding his toddler on a leash. Beer mirror? Check. Giant stuffed Speedy Gonazalez? Check. No seriously, check our basement. It’s full of that crap.

In Parts I and II of our VSOP series with John Hodgman and Jonathan Coulton, we asked them to help us come up with a guaranteed moneymaker, something that none of the other booths at the fair would think of. They had some really great ideas. In fact, they had too many great ideas. We’re in love with all of them, so we need you to help us choose. Listen to Selfish Express and Faux Tog to learn more about the proposals, then vote below.

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Don’t let us down, people. A lot is riding on this. Scott’s gender re-re-assignment surgery isn’t going to pay for itself.

Photo by Bala (detail).

Faux Tog

You Look Nice Today — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 03:20:05 -0500

YLNT VSOP, Part II! The drugs* have kicked in, and we have reached cruising altitude. Stay tuned for the final, gripping conclusion to the VSOP series next week. Or so.

A partial list of works referenced in this episode, and their creators:

“Colonel Heimlich Grows a Beard” (Graham Greene)
Mall, Mini-Mall, Strip Mall (M.C. Escher)
Shut Up, Hick! (George Carlin)
LEGO Group v. Linden (U.S. Supreme Court)
Carnival Displacement (Damien Hirst)
Dream of an Undiscovered Room (René Magritte)
Resuscitation Situation (Jamiroquai)

* Imodium, Dermarest

Photo by frozenmeat (detail)

Production Journal: "Selfish Express"

You Look Nice Today — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 23:17:07 -0500

We’re flattered when listeners tell us how “natural” or “off-the-cuff” we sound. Dozens of men and women on our crew toil for weeks to achieve the ralaxed, conversational tone that characterizes our show. If they’ve done their jobs well, even the close listener should be fooled into thinking we don’t do any preparation at all.

But with so many moving parts, things don’t always go smoothly. Here’s a peek at the production journal for our most recent episode, “Selfish Express”:

Oct 7: With just a month before we’re set to record, Adam spills Jamba Juice on the only copy of the script, rendering it illegible. Back to square one.

Oct 9: Our team of 14 writers quits, citing “creative differences” and “promises to be paid” not being “kept.”

Oct 12: Speech experts, whom we hire to remove any trace of regionalism or accent, infuriated Merlin by asking him not to sound so “San Francisco.” As revenge, he’s been speaking nothing but fake Spanish. In an Irish brogue. For two weeks.

Oct 17: Acoustic modelers survey the recording studio. They recommend the building’s foundation be repoured to correct for the room’s weak sonic profile. Two days lost.

Oct 20: Coulton and Hodgman are busy on other projects and cannot attend every rehearsal. The child actors we’ve hired as their stand-ins are pretty darned funny. Conundrum: go with the kids instead?

Oct 27: Scott loses his voice at a NASCAR rally. Our insurance company refuses to cover the medical bills, claiming erotic massage is not a valid course of treatment.

Oct 29: The Bolivian tin mine, whose output finances our show in lieu of sponsorships, is nationalized. Cash reserves: low.

Nov 3: Coulton is refusing to learn Aramaic. Now we have to totally rewrite Act III.

Nov 8: Dress rehearsal. We’re forced to abandon the costumes after our designer forgets to FedEx the novelty-sized pince-nez.

Nov. 9: Finally! Recording day! Yes, we flub a few lines, forget some facts, and stumble a bit. But it’s no big deal—our impersonators can fix that in post.

Photos #3 & #4 by Ryan Carver. See larger versions of #1 & #2 here.

Selfish Express

You Look Nice Today — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 11:16:33 -0500

It’s YLNT VSOP, Part I! We convened a special session in San Francisco, featuring guests John Hodgman and Jonathan Coulton. Aided by Hodgman’s expertise and Coulton’s hatred of poetry, we finally got to the bottom of our most lingering questions:

Why is Kevin Bacon famously uncomfortable around FAX machines?
How does Adam save the world by not wearing shoes?
What are the slam poet’s secret romantic techniques?
Why are short films so long? And also: vice versa?
Why do alfalfa farmers know so much about the Renaissance?
What food is best eaten deep-fried?

…and many more. Hodgman’s new book is More Information Than You Require. The YLNT Writers’ Retreat recently purchased 22 copies, one for each bathroom on the estate. The inmates—sorry, the “writers in residence”—seem to be enjoying it very much.

UPDATE: If you enjoyed this episode, you might like to learn more about how we made it. Check out the production journal.

Photo by Ryan Carver (detail). Check out his other great photos from that day here.

Satisfaction Island (YLNT Forum)

You Look Nice Today — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 15:04:31 -0400

In Who Voted?, we discussed the problem of Excessive Realism in Sexual Fantasies: the growing compulsion for our Fantasy Lives to have to conform to the boring strictures of our Regular Lives. A few listeners sympathized, but one brave soul took us on an immersive tour of one of his go-to fantasy scenarios: Satisfaction Island. Sadly, due to a crippling case of ERSF, the island has lost its magic:

For years I’ve had a nighttime fantasy where I’m stranded on an island with an attractive woman. We fill our days with the only activity not requiring a whole lot of equipment and learning. The sex, that is.

I revisited recently, after a long time away from Satisfaction Island. Everything went well, except I felt I had to introduce the situation by first explaining how we ended up on the island, where the others were, and how we got past the initial shock. I had to establish reliable sources of food and water, and explain why the weather is always excellent.

Then I thought about this woman. She would obviously need to give full consent—nay, approach me first—and while I can believe that she would reach out for me the very first night, looking for some comfort, I knew that this would probably make for a rocky long-term relationship.

So I had her wait a few weeks and get to know and like me first.

Then there was the matter of my being married. I couldn’t just jump into this with my wife out there, worrying about me. But I figured we were reasonable people, and eventually she’d move on and I’d realize I would spend the rest of my life on the island. Seeing how this was a fantasy, I allowed about six months for these wounds to heal.

Then there’s the matter of birth control. It was getting late in the fantasy so I just made my island-partner infertile. That made me sad for her, though, so I tweaked it a bit; she had also come from a large family and she had always wanted to go the adoption route. Good, good.

At this point I was starting to feel a little embarrassed about the casual way in which I assumed that our food and shelter were accounted for, so I spent some time justifying how we found ourselves in a worry-free situation. The show Lost was very helpful here.

Between the fruit-gathering and the water-getting, I don’t think I fantasized about any actual sex. Maybe once or twice we tried, but there was sand everywhere, and it just kept getting in the way.

Image by Island-Life.

Who Voted?

You Look Nice Today — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 13:14:18 -0400

Thousands* of you wrote to us asking for Election Day guidance. Sadly, we don’t have time to evaluate every candidate in every race. Instead, we commissioned the handy YLNT Voter’s Guide you’ll find below. We recommend you print it onto waterproof paper, fold it into a tiny square, and hide it in your mouth as you enter the voting booth.

Of course, this simple checklist can’t cover every scenario. But we did try to make our guidelines as broadly applicable as possible:

VOTE FOR:

Yourself. If you are on the ballot, give yourself the vote. Don’t overthink this one.
Any witch/warlock.
A candidate who gained/lost more than 30 lbs. for a role in a movie or play. (Shows dedication.)

VOTE AGAINST:

Anyone who has given you a venereal disease.
John Denver. He is dead. And a folk singer.
A “human beatbox.” Filibuster nightmare.

Listen to the episode for many more helpful voting tips, including some Election Day-specific pickup lines.

Also: Rappy pants and dentures, hats of the Seduction Community, Pascal’s voting wager (Vote for Adam’s dad). No ice cream for the handicapable. After two it’s quote unquote “me”. Love in a voting booth, medieval jewelry vis-à-vis Hypercolor, Adam’s hypnotic sexytime, and push presents.

*”Thousands”: from the Greek, meaning “zero.”

Photo by RS_Joe (detail).

Mr. Owl

You Look Nice Today — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 18:28:53 -0400

YLNT XL! 45 juicy minutes for the price of 30.

FIRST:

Nose harmony, quarters, who’s Capote now?, “He plays you better than you play you,” layers of latex, latchkey ontologies, start shooting your stock scenes now, one water ski or two?

AND THEN:

Out-browed, back when it was called Mr. Owl, shared entendres, the recurring mint, each table represents a different decade, a full sparkly thong, Assumption never gets enough of the churning butter jokes, reverse garage sales.

Photo: Jorge Luis Borges Coin by TheAlieness GiselaGiardino²³

Transitions

You Look Nice Today — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 00:48:49 -0400

You’ve just hopped on the #17 Express and must quickly decide where to sit. In the back of the bus, four teenagers have staked their claim to a dozen seats. An old woman sits next to an open, delicately balanced bag of cat food. Up front, fumes rise from a guy who’s picking his teeth with what might be a knife.

So where do you sit?

If you’ve got your trusty YLNT SeatFinder, decisions like this are a snap.

Also:

Changin’ gears, basic stranger strategy, Adam eats alone, the Sultan of Awkward gives wisdom, pick fruit from your neighbor’s tree, fortune cookie photomat, our new sponsor, that Al Roker, it’s a conversation.

Photo: over used by DanielJames

Man School

You Look Nice Today — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 03:33:12 -0400

Now* accepting applications for the Class of 2016! Sample from our wide range of available courses, including Sociology 102: Shaving, Chemistry 206: Principles of Muskmaking, and Techniques in Silent Disdain. Independent study credit (read: drinking alone) is also available. Listen to the episode for lots of exciting announcements regarding our Guest Lecturer series. Remember: early applicants get the good nicknames!

Also:

Why stereotype when you can monotype? The robot/cameltoe axis, Birth of a Nation(’s Boner), public transportation is not always a thing, how we do it at NYU, old-guy-as-engineer phase of life.

* Should read: “Not”

Tang Tangs

You Look Nice Today — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 11:18:12 -0400

The parenting of negligence, things you didn’t know about gas stations, ancient aphorisms, tethered to a key, you go in and stay there until you have wisdom, They’ve Got It!, blue sky pie in the sky, Adam tries a little culture jam, Sunday morning habits, hot spring best practices, paddle balls, Erotic Rosary II, your first time at Uggo’s.

Photo: twocentsworth, Dubai Skyline No. 2 (Detail)

Where Is the Ham?

You Look Nice Today — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 03:08:21 -0400

Sandwich smiles into the mouthpiece, teenage telemarketing salad days, LonelyWear’s autumn line, the secret of our success (at Macy’s), ham symphony, Karl gets fired from the Geek Squad, acquaintance on final approach, face school.

Important questions raised by this episode:
There were no important questions raised by this episode.

Photo: Photocapy, Canned Ham (Detail)

Neglected Originals

You Look Nice Today — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 03:54:02 -0400

In our most recent episode, The Tux Age, Merlin sings a few bars of “Since You’ve Been Goin’ Goin’ Gone (to Indiana),” a 1921 Perlstein/Barreford gem. Today the average cretinous 15 year-old would recognize that same tune as Kelly Clarkson’s most famous hit single.

Fact: because there are only 12 tones in Western music, there are only 47 possible songs. Every pop song written today, from the melody to the rhythm to the lyrics, is merely a note-for-note cover version of one of those 47 original tunes written between 1919 and 1922.

What’s more, the original recordings of all of those songs are kept in the 3rd sub-basement of the Brill Building in New York City.

And Adam knows the night watchman.

So, in the comments to this post, suggest a well-known pop song whose original version you would love to hear. We’ll pick one of your suggestions and try to dig up that recording for you.

The Tux Age

You Look Nice Today — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 11:42:56 -0400

We’re back from summer break full of something and something. Expect weekly episodes until it’s time for fall break. Or early September break. Break!

Pilaf games, the myth of women and computers, retroplagiarism can happened to you, young butlers in high demand, 20s sex ed film, prespooling and the origins of the Industrial Revolution.

Some Notable Failures: An August Diary

You Look Nice Today — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 03:23:29 -0400

After we returned from Italy, or wherever Ibiza is, none of us felt like recording another podcast episode. We were always only in it for the money, and that money still hasn’t come. Worse, our choice of an oil-powered web server has led to massive bandwidth bills.

So for the rest of the month, we put the show on hold and tried a bunch of other moneymaking ideas.

They didn’t work out so well.

Aug 4: Three people attend our “Socializing for Misanthropes” workshop & sweat lodge at the San Diego Airport Hilton.

Aug 7: Queen Latifah informs us we’re no longer welcome in her extended entourage.

Aug 14: Our “Three Guys and a Prius” moving service gets several hits from a Craigslist ad. Unfortunately all of the inquiries are based on our misunderstanding of crucial Craigslist lingo. Hint: it definitely doesn’t stand for “Men 4 Movin.”

Aug 18: An hour and a half of very quickly writing each other checks for $1,000 finds us no richer. We fire our accountant/masseuse.

Aug 20: The NIH declines funding for our kids’ show, Wake Up with You Look Nice Today. We withdraw our application; in exchange, they drop all criminal charges.

Aug 21: Merlin is detained at the Louisville, KY airport with a suitcase full of packing peanuts (don’t ask).

Aug 27: Security escorts us out of the building after Adam’s Spice Girls audition goes off the rails. Sadly, Belgium will never get to experience Lonely Spice™.

We gave ourselves a month to find something else, and in the end, nothing panned out.

Looks like it’s back to Plan A.

The Situation

You Look Nice Today — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 23:37:22 -0400

A funny thing happened on the way to the waterbed. On August 1, minutes before we were set to record a fresh episode, Merlin purchased a scratch-off lottery ticket and hit the jackpot! Because of a pinkie promise we made long ago (and thankfully videotaped), Merlin was compelled to bequeath 100% of the winnings to the YLNT Trust.

We went nuts: luxury suite in Ibiza, hookers and blow for miles, Lindsay Lohan reading about us in whatever magazine regular celebrities read to catch up on the personal lives of mega-celebrities. Swan-shaped paddle boats.

On August 3 (there was a minor misunderstanding about how far the $1,500 jackpot would stretch) we returned home.

Then our fortunes took a turn for the worse.

To be continued.

Rampant on a Field

You Look Nice Today — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 14:09:03 -0400

Down and out in Улаанбаатар (sorry, Mongolia!), remembrance of fights past, rampant on a field of Wheat Chex, stickin’ with the quadrupeds, Adam’s almost assaulted, don’t flog Detroit’s dead horse, the MySpace Generation has nothing to lose, guac attack.

Photo: John Carter, Slow Train (Detail)

Rumor of a Leak

You Look Nice Today — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 15:15:39 -0400

UPDATE: See the full post for details.

There’s an unsubstantiated rumor we started that the YLNT crew is experimenting with a not-quite-daily, very-short-form, not-edited-at-all podcast-style product. Just as a short-term experiment. It is rumored.

The substantiated part of the unsubstantiated rumor is that this sub-program would not be a replacement for “You Look Nice Today Classic” — it would be an additional occasional thing. Like when Bing Crosby did those charming commercials for Minute Maid. Or something. It’s not really clear.

There is also an unsubstantiated rumor that you can download the first experimental episode, which is rumored to be called, “Capt. Jerry & the Deviated Septum Crewe Zoo.”

I think this is what the industry refers to as “a leak.” We’re looking into where it came from. Heads will roll, and what have you.

UPDATE: Folks, the situation is going from bad to worse. Somehow, insurance industry megacorp AIG got a hold of an unaired YLNT session and posted it on their blog. They’ve pulled the post, but now that it’s leaked we might as well share. We named this mini-ep Actuary Starship.

Estelle Getty, 1923-2008

You Look Nice Today — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 18:03:58 -0400

So long, Estelle.

Sorry we never got the chance to do a real project together. You seemed like a really nice lady and a class act.

Yr fans,
The YLNT Talent

A Ringtone Tragedy

You Look Nice Today — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 03:01:57 -0400

Last week we discussed some possibilities for a YLNT-branded video game. During that conversation, Merlin accidentally revealed a bit of the forthcoming game’s soundtrack. It was a pretty big mistake: the game’s soundtrack has been a closely guarded secret for months.

This morning, our carrier pigeon returned from Asia with some very sad news.

An entrepreneur in Kowloon heard the episode and turned that tiny whiff of melody into a million-plus selling cassingle. You think we’ll receive royalty payments on those sales? Ha! We’ll never see a single 仙. It’s piracy folks, plain and simple.

Worse, YLNT “fan” Neven Mrgan made a ringtone out of it. Worser, he put it on the internet for anyone to download. Worsest of all, it’s fantastic.

A single call to the legal team we share with NBC Universal could bury this “Neven” under a pile of C&D’s. But what can we do? The music is already out there. The cat’s out of the bag. The train’s left the station. The seed’s been spilled.

So instead of suing Neven, we’ll give him a taste of his own medicine. Please take Neven’s ringtone and use it to make your own version. As an example, Scott has already made a party version of the track.

Post a link to the mp3 or flash version of your ringtone in the comments (or on Twitter) so we can all check it out.

Neven’s Original Version: mp3 | iPhone download

Scott’s Party Remix: mp3 | iPhone download

Here’s an AIFF file of the original snippet. The tempo is ~123.5 BPM. Use it to make ringtone history.

Of course, we’re just jokin’ about the Neven stuff above. He’s the greatest, and for his honorable service to YLNT has been made the very first 4-Star Salami Captain. All works are made available under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-ShareAlike license. Or something. Also, Hong Kong seems like an OK place.

Aunt Nancy

You Look Nice Today — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 15:06:09 -0400

Sit back, relax, mix yourself an Aunt Nancy but don’t cross the swords. We’re coloncasting over at bandaid1995.com. ¿Esto debería estar en el recipiente de correo? Body (Not) Movin’.

Expressed as a Vest

You Look Nice Today — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 17:27:39 -0400

Unhealthy ligatures, a course of Prednisone, “I’m not following you!”, obscure chess moves, smoking for the cure, misused orifices, we pass as nosies, Karl Van Hœt.

Live!: Baby on a Dog

You Look Nice Today — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 14:18:17 -0400

Recorded live at the Dark Room Theater in San Francisco. Don’t miss lots of great photos from the event.

Desperate for funds, we explore opening a restaurant. Along the way, Sandwich cries in the bathroom, Merlin sings a song, and Scott gets some information wrong. But, in the end, we think we’ve got a pretty lucrative restaurant franchise on our hands. The first Baby on a Dog will open in Butte, MT, in 2012. Bring the family on Wednesdays for Awkward Discussion of Politics Across Generational Lines Night!

Don’t miss the live episode of the hilarious Jordan, Jesse Go! also recorded that evening. Their show featured special guests, an epic Would You Rather?, and a very special JJGo/YLNT joint press conference.

Photo: Upskirt by Neven Mrgan
Episode artwork photos by Bobby Andersen
Intro music by Petra Haden (iTunes, Amazon)

Guaranteed Morrie

You Look Nice Today — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 12:30:43 -0400

Parental interference and other awkwardtunities, pie vs invisibilty, how Adam will die, Tuesdays with Tom Waits, Wisdom Experience guaranteed, another factory closes (bagpipe soundtrack).

Early Bird

You Look Nice Today — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 22:27:20 -0400

How do your socks feel about it?, a new kind of retail experience, Sandwich knows his Douglas Firs, Farewell to Tight (actually The Sun Also Tights), white shoes, Los Altos Rancho Vista Wi’z, dippin’ dots, our favorite indie bands.

Challenge: What's Your Latte Name?

You Look Nice Today — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 16:54:40 -0400

As heard in Truck Spank, we believe that coffee shop customers have not been thinking deeply enough about their latte names. Free yourself from the shackles of what your “mother” and “father” thought your “name” should “be.” Your venti mocha cap deserves a light dusting of nutmeg, yet you haven’t thought for a second about the name the barista will scribble on its side? For shame.

So here’s the deal. The next time you’re at the coffee shop, give them a taste of your true self: “Truck Spank,” “Lex,” “Armoire,” “Rejoinder,” “Ponyboy.” Take a picture of the name scribbled on the side of the cup, and upload it to the YLNT Flickr group with the tag “lattename.”

(If you’re too shy to reveal your spirit name to a stranger, you may use this image as a digital whiteboard.)

Truck Spank

You Look Nice Today — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 18:40:26 -0400

So sorry!, the oxygen lobby, doin’ the Skokie, Wallet-on-Chain is not a town in England, Sean Connery is Japanese, What’s your latte name?, pre-disposable feminine hygiene, @EffingBoring gets the carnation.

Sacks-Minnelli Disease

You Look Nice Today — Wed, 21 May 2008 16:15:59 -0400

Doing the fishstick, Sacks-Minnelli Disease, on the logical possibility of a cool fannypack, who’s your frelative?, “A Touch of Asperger’s”, social pressure at work (show your support for Dennis), what’s your standing O face?.

Nary a Dude

You Look Nice Today — Mon, 12 May 2008 14:10:06 -0400

Sheriff’s got a posse, Clarence the barber (and his balls), the benenemafits of a Fleet-based regimen, the grapefruit and bacon diet, Neti pots and other 100% legitimate remedies.

Career-Confused? WE CAN HELP

You Look Nice Today — Wed, 07 May 2008 02:48:20 -0400

Sad news. See update at the end of this post.

The YLNT support interns were about to discard our spare Cray 1S when Episode 6 gave them an idea.

They worked all night. And as the dawn spread her rosy fingers across the eastern sky, the YLNT JOBBOTRON was born.

Now, after a decade of careful testing, we are inviting the public to use the JOBBOTRON for the first time.

Answer the 5 simple questions below. Be as brief as possible. Submit the answers to [update: uh oh, see below]. JOBBOTRON will reply with the only possible career you should even consider pursuing.

If you include your Twitter username, @ylnt may announce your ideal career for everyone to see. Include a shipping address and you will receive*, FREE OF CHARGE, your actual JOBBOTRON output receipt (pictured above, decorative chain not included, colors may vary).

THE JOBBOTRON 5:

What jungle animal would make your ideal bridge partner? (Do not explain.)
If time travel were possible (it is not), what year would you travel to?
Abraham Lincoln, Desi Arnaz, and Bill Gates enter an IHOP men’s room at the same time. In what order do they come out? (Keep it classy, this is the International House of Pancakes we’re talking about.)
Matte or glossy?
(a) How many jelly beans are you imagining holding in your hand right now? (b) How about now?

Once you receive your career assessment (or if you have received a computerized job assessment in the past), photograph it and post it to the You Look Nice Today pool with the tag “ylntjobbochallenge”.

* MAYBE

UPDATE: As you may have read on Twitter, JOBBOTRON ran into trouble while divining the job prospects of “Brad,” a 23-year old American Studies graduate from a Tier 3 liberal arts college, who listed interests including “baking cupcakes” and “just checkin’ out the stars, like, constalations [sic].” JOBBOTRON overheated, critical parts fused, and it stopped functioning. If you submitted your request before May 21, you should have received (or will soon receive) your JOBBOTRON designation.

JOBBOTRON’s last words, which flashed briefly on its tiny red LED screen, were, “SELL ALL BEACHES. ROTTERDAM.” If that makes any sense to you, please let us know.

Jobbo

You Look Nice Today — Mon, 05 May 2008 23:52:41 -0400

Jamón y jabón, computerized career counseling, nicaragua@nicaragua.nicaragua, Sandwich does the Boogie Oogie, skating to college, Checkin’ Out!, Angus Young-brand smelling salts.

Schadenfunny

You Look Nice Today — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 18:52:49 -0400

On Being Boring, crazy meat, Merlin knows how to build a team, Lonely Spacecamp, Clooney trumps Hill but both beat you, Encounters with Celebrity, nickel bags of chocolate, a fowl deposition, the Tony Danza Story.

Challenge: Design a Uniform for The YLNT Talent

You Look Nice Today — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 15:26:13 -0400

Flickr: You Look Nice Today

Have you design skills and an interest in men’s uniforms? Does the idea of a very tight crotch area and optional merit badges pique your curiosity? Well, we could use your help.

Listen to Ep 4: Peak Hair.
Make careful notes of The Talent’s requirements and preferences in a handsome Uniform
Design a flattering Uniform for The Talent
Share your visual design document with the YLNT community, via the You Look Nice Today Flickr Group, tagging your design with the tag “ylntuniforms”. Feel free to point out special features of your Uniform design in the description field.
Gather and enjoy the respect of the community — including the very real possibility that your design will be made into an Official Talent Garment

Thank you in advance. And please keep that crotch very snug. Perhaps more snug than seems advisable.

Peak Hair

You Look Nice Today — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 14:31:16 -0400

"Oh my God: you GUYS!"; Scott sports vomit; Merlin raises a Predator; Scott has a hair theory about ladies who sing; Merlin calls for a National Day of Goatee Reconsideration; Adam moves into the nascent pubic wig vertical; The Boys crave new custom uniforms; Rocket Scientists come up with stuff; Carnation goes to @Remiel.

Snare!® marketing materials arrive

You Look Nice Today — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 13:31:27 -0400

“We got Snare!”

Clearly, we may have to bring Chris Glass in for a cut on Snare!®, given his demonstrated expertise in marketing percussion-based fitness.

Oh, my. Thank you, Chris.

Snare!

You Look Nice Today — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 05:35:05 -0400

Sign up for SNARE!, Ol’ Grandpa Mann’s Phlegmatic/Bucolic Humour Balancing Apparatus, the magical beards of junior high, receiving pleasure for money, The Nerdiest Photographs in the World.

Select nuts unboxing video

You Look Nice Today — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 09:06:27 -0400

Caught a luxurious lunch in the Castro with @veen. I had the beer, and he had the best goddamned select nut mix he’d ever imagined.

YES, these are the nuts that were featured in Episode 3a, and they are outstanding.

Select Nuts: An Afternoon in the Castro from Merlin Mann on Vimeo.

Known for His Reach

You Look Nice Today — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 05:00:53 -0400

Merlin looks for cashews, Allan Holdsworth saves a kitten, Scott licks shiny faces, “arrested developments” in Adam’s pants, Elvis gives away trailers like they were moon pies, Scott plugs into the baptismal, and @Moltz wins our first carnation.

Morning Powder

You Look Nice Today — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 00:59:04 -0400

Cosby takes the Queen to a dunk tank, office resources sparingly allocated, sponsors intimidated. Assorted loofah-related incidents.