YOU: On My Blog

Facebook Friending

2009-04-02T19:51:00.004-04:00

Facebook is full of FAIL, and yet I am suckered into it like anyone else. What I really love is when I get a friend request from someone I don't know, don't have any friends in common with, and proves to be totally, 100% disgusting.

With that I give you Stevey and his wonderwall:

I think my favorite in that list is "Cheese or Oral Sex?" I would like to know if, in the history of humankind, someone has ever had to choose between the two. I'm pretty sure you can have both, if that's what you desire. I didn't realize they competed against each other often enough to warrant a Facebook group.

Lest you think Stevey is some sort of PERVERT, let it be known:

Jason + Alicia Hunt = This

2008-11-18T21:05:00.004-05:00

BoingBoing insists this is for real. I'm not sure it's totally real. I mean "You Are So Beautiful To Me" is playing throughout this instructional video. You'd think there'd be some narration. Still, it is both mesmerizing and absolutely terrifying to behold. I could not help but think of this the entire time:

Source: BoingBoing

Win Cool Stuff Through The Apiary!

2008-11-18T20:03:00.003-05:00

Looks like I'm going to have to hang up my "I never win anything" whine. Just today I found out I won tickets to see Rhys Darby at 92Y-Tribeca tomorrow night! Not sure if I am going to make it since I'm booked to do a show of my own at the same time, but at least I can ensure that my New Zealand husband does not get shafted from being amongst his brethren.

And how did I get so lucky? Oh, just a little site called The Apiary! Check in on them or add them to your blog feed to get in on more of these little giveaways.

He sparkles!

BOO!

2008-10-21T14:33:00.003-04:00

Get your own awesome Sarah Palin poster and slather it all over the place. I swear this is exactly what I see whenever I look at her.

She scurry!

SNL with Palin - I WAS THERE, WTF?!?!

2008-10-20T12:09:00.003-04:00

I have been trying, as of late, to figure out what kind of karmic payback will be due to me after the last few weeks.

Just look at the last few posts. Sara and I got animated! Someone made us LiveJournal icons! Our vlogs have been all over the place. I met muthafuckin WESCRAVEN (by the way, I really think someone needs to make a show called "That's So Wes Craven!"). It's all a little much.

Then, friends, my husband scored SNL tickets to this weekend's show. You know, the show with the three headed beast herself - SARAH PALIN - on it. Too much, just too much.

What kind of payback will the universe send me for all this bounty? I shudder to think.

However, I will say if you ever get the chance to see SNL in the flesh - do it! It's way more fun and flies by when you're there. At home I rarely watch the whole thing, but there's so much more magic going on in person. Just watching the crew transform the tiny studio so quickly, and gracefully into a number of stages, and watching the flow of crew and talent is mesmerizing enough to make you forget about the commercial breaks. There was something both creepy and endearing about watching crew members rush guests off the stage while holding their hands.

Warming up the crowd, Fred Armisen played guitar with the SNL band while Kristen Wiig sang Blondie's "One Way or Another" - totally fun and who knew Kristen had a great voice? Josh Brolin was a really great host. His monologue was strong (referencing his amazing work on GOONIES of all things) and I just really liked his vibe.

Know what I didn't like? Sarah Palin.

She seems to be getting a lot of credit for this appearance and I'm left wondering why? Everyone around her did the heavy lifting and she did what she's done this whole campaign - sit there, read her script, and looked pretty. Who's surprised by this? How much credit needs to be given for raising the roof during a rap mocking you?

I will say, seeing Tina Fey and Sarah Palin pass by each other was pretty cool. They are extremely similar in body type. Roughly the same height and, um, CRAZY THIN.

And just as an insider note - my lil' corner of the audience tried to boo Palin at several points, but we weren't heard. Also, we spotted several VIPs being ushered onto the special floor seats wearing McCain/Palin buttons, so make of that what you will.

You might notice that during the rap (which was funny because Poehler did it with such gusto) the line "you say Obama, I say Ayres" totally fell flat with the audience.

True to form, our Sarah Palin totally thought she NAILED everything and is looking forward to a career in comedy following her earth-shattering appearance (note Dina's SNL bracelet for an added touch of authenticity):

You can also catch the episode on NBC's Hulu. Read Sara Schaefer's awesome open letter to Palin on Best Week Ever as well - I like her take.

eHarmony Ads Take Me to a Dark Place

2008-10-10T21:48:00.003-04:00

This man lives in my nightmares. You might recognize him from one of those horrible eHarmony ads. I have been trying to figure out why he deeply troubles my subconscious and I think I have a few leads:

- He has crazy eyes. Seriously. Watch the ad. The whites of his eyes show over his irises and that's always a bad sign.

- He looks just like a dude who called me a JAP in Ohio when I yelled at him for stealing my parking space.

- Ann Marie (his eHarmony bride) seems like she's suffering Stockholm Syndrome. Talks about how she "calms him down" which immediately terrifies me.

Please, someone, tell me I'm not alone in being totally freaked by this dude. HIS EYES SEE EVERYTHING, THEY NEVER BLINK.

One last stab at self-promotion

2008-10-10T14:29:00.005-04:00

Trust me, I have a blog post forthcoming that has nothing to do with self-promotion. Just let me get this one out of the way, because it will be good times and I would like to share the love.

The Hysterical Festival is kicking off next week (check out the schedule here) and it is going to have all manner of awesomeness in store for NYC. We've got Maria Bamford, baby mamas, naked ladies, wordy ladies, and haterz! Plus, Margaret Cho totally rubber stamped us and BUST magazine gave us mad nubbins.

I am going to be on one of the shows called "The Ambiguously Brown Comedy Hour" with a gaggle of women, all of whom are awesome. There is about a metric ton of awesome involved in this show. We're talking top quality crab.

I even made a shitty flier in celebration of it all:

Did you see much CUTENESS is involved? Ay, God.

So here are the deets. If you've been meaning to come see me, make it this show!

COMIX - 353 W 14th Street (at 9th Ave)
Thursday, October 16th at 7:30 pm
Ever wondered what would happen if a hilarious comedy show just happened to be ethnically diverse? Wonder no more.

Laugh as comics Jiwon Lee (Comedy Central), Diana Saez (CNN, Sí TV, Sirius Radio), Aparna Nancherla (NBC's Stand Up for Diversity, NBC's "Last Comic Standing"), Erin Jackson ("The Ellen DeGeneres Show," NBC's "Last Comic Standing") and Retta ("Comedy Central Presents," "Premium Blend," "Slackers") take the stage and shatter stereotypes.
Hosted by Desiree Burch (Joe's Pub, VH1's "Best Night Ever").

BUY TICKETS IN ADVANCE AND SAVE $5!

The Post in Which I Post Massive Amounts of Pictures and Weep with Joy

2008-10-06T21:56:00.008-04:00

You know, these Palin vlogs and gotten Sara Benincasa and I a lot of play. Uncle Cessiwig (aka Francesco Marciliano of Sally Forth and Medium Large fame) has been so kind as to post the collective play all in one convenient place.

I thought my mind had been blown when we got cartooned. Then Sara found out that someone had entered us into LiveJournal popculture notoriety. Witness this dedication!

My personal favorite.

Theeeen, as if that wasn't totally dudical, Siddhartha Mitter from WNYC interviewed me, Sara, Baratunde Thurston, and Julie Klausner. You can catch it online!

But then shit got REALLY crunk because The New Yorker invited us to work their festival this weekend which meant we got into a super swank opening party resulting in amazingness.

Yes, Sara has blogged about it because she is not full of molasses like sorry ole me, but the following ensued (after a lot of champagne):

1. I told author Jeffrey Eugenides (author of Virgin Suicides and Middlesex): “I really loved Middlesex. I have read it repeatedly, and I really relate to it, although I’m not a hermaphrodite.”

2. I thrust a drunken fist in the air at the sight of Alan Cumming's Barack the Vote tshirt and he gave me a peace sign. LOVE.

3. I witnessed a very pretty, very tiny Regina Specktor talking to a trio of hipster douchebags.

4. Sam and I rode the elevator up with Oliver Stone and his posse.

5. Salman Rushdie was walking around and I had to restrain myself (I was only 2 champagnes in so this was still possible) from whispering to him "Padma's a bitch" and then running out of the room.

6. On the walk up Park Avenue towards our homeland, Istarted playing with garbage, including a discarded bra and a shoe, and threw them in the air because I was feeling like Mary Fucking Tyler Moore:

7. Ended up sitting on a sofa across from WESCRAVEN and his amazing, beautiful, warm, friendly wife Iya Labunka (producer on Heathers) and having a butt ass long conversation full of wonder. Highlights included:

- Telling Wes Craven: "My brothers got years of mileage terrifying me with fanfic enchanced Freddy Krueger stories, 'SO THANKS A LOT, WES!'"

- Calling him WESCRAVEN at every possible opportunity.

- Talking about zero gravity sex (Buzz, Neil, we all agreed you probably cranked one off in space).

- Hearing the awesome tale of how Iya and Wes met.

That was pretty much the best party I ever went to. It was also very pretty in that hotel with light bulbs on the ceiling.

And the next day we got to perform at the New Yorker Festival's Humor Panel for 350 people. We were the fluffers for the panel. Witness the happiness.

WITNESS US MEETING Samantha Bee, who is soooo funny and nice in person (and even prettier).

If you thought the story was going to stop here, you were wrong. Because then, by some miracle, we got to meet Margaret Cho that same night. I have the pictures to prove it.

I'm not quite sure how a weekend like that can be topped!

Palin Updates - WE IS FAMOUS!

2008-09-30T10:07:00.002-04:00

Big news, dudes! Sara and I were asked to do the Palin vlogs for 23/6. We're excited about it. You can catch us on the 23/6 site and the 23/6 YouTube channel. Not too much of a change, really. Still on YouTube, so git to it!

Also, and I'm so in love with this, Scott Bateman from Salon.com animated a vlog (with exclusive, not seen before content). It's so adorable! Enjoy!

Also, the latest vlogs for 23/6:

Debate Prep!

Katie Couric (Totally not qualified for journalism)

MORE DC GOODNESS!

2008-09-18T13:03:00.004-04:00

I can't stop coming back to DC. Really, it's a great place for comedy. People turn out. They're smart. They're ready to laugh. It's everything a comic wants out of a crowd. So when my gurl (and amazing comic) Aparna said "will you do a show in DC" I was like, um, let me see if I can work that into my usual schedule of sitting on my ass and watching The Rachel Maddow Show non-stop and questioning my sexuality.

So, it's on, and what makes it especially awesome is that it's headlined by Ms. Erin Jackson. Um, she's kind of a big deal and all now, especially after getting on THE ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW. I seriously had wee tears of joy in my eyes watching the clip because anyone who's close to Erin knows that Ellen is one of her biggest influences. Watching her get to sit down and talk to her after her set almost made me believe in God again. Girlfriend is blowing UP, so see her now before she only plays stadiums and theatres.

We'll be performing at the DC Improv Lounge Friday and Saturday this weekend. Doors open at 7:30 and tickets are only $10!

Tickets are available online.

I Am Maddow's Bitch

2008-09-18T09:25:00.006-04:00

There's another installment of the Sarah Palin vlogs. This time, Dina Heath-Barr reveals her very un-Christian feelings for Rachel Maddow. This was actually just an excuse for me to publicly air out my own very Sapphic leanings, because Maddow is pretty much my favorite lesbian, besides Roger Ebert.

Last night Maddow toyed with my emotions and said the word "haberdashery" which was a direct reference to our vlog. I am sure of it. Be still my heart.

I feel like that chick on the box of Curves cereal

2008-09-15T23:37:00.003-04:00

CNN BIATCHEZ!!!

Wolf Blitzer aired the clip wherein we discuss Sarah Palin shooting wolves from a helicopter in Palin Vlog #7 and which then reminds us of Mr. Wolf Blitzer.

YIPPEE!!!!!

Now if only Mr. Keith Olbermann would get the stones to play the clip we lovingly aimed right at him!

Oh, and catch Vlog #11 wherein Sarah discusses her first encounters with Black People.

Keep an eye out on Sara Benincasa's YouTube Channel for more coming up very, very soon!

Sarah Palin is Our Co Pilot

2008-09-11T21:47:00.005-04:00

Well, hi! If you're new around here it's likely due to the Sarah Palin vlogs. They are quite hilarious, I agree. Want more? Haven't seen the latest batch? Have you seen the face of Dina Heath-Barr?

Palin Vlog #7 (DINA APPEARS)

Palin Vlog #8 (Burning "Go Ask Alice" is good for the environment)

Palin Vlog #9 (First Church of Sarah Palin, Jesus Christ)

Palin Vlog #10 (In which we call for Keith Olbermann's dismantling)

These have been SOOO much fun to be a part of. Sara Benincasa not only does an amazing Palin, but she busts ass and edits these puppies. As a result of her hard work the vlogs have been featured in Wired, Newsweek, Time, and aired on CNN (we love you Wolf Blitzer). I'm still holding out hope that Rachel Maddow will ask us to be on her show so that she can ask me to run away with her. Sam said he was okay with that.

If you're new around here, feel free to have a poke around the blog. You can also catch me on Twitter and Facebook, and see some of my comedy here and here !

Kodiak Bears and Michael W Smith

2008-09-05T15:00:00.003-04:00

Can't get enough of Sara Benincasa's brilliant satirical take on Sarah Palin? Neither can we. I'm telling you, I haven't had this much fun since I was a child. It's like grown-up happy play time where we get to play pretend.

So, here are #5 and #6 - but keep an eye out on Sara's YouTube channel because another one is in the hopper and Dina (moi) makes an appearance!

Sarah Palin Vlogs, Unearths Complex Family History

2008-09-02T19:51:00.004-04:00

There is more, so much more Sarah Palin vlogging in store for you all. We had three more, and they are all over the damn internet. Watch these and learn to live again:

Sarah Palin Vlog #2

Sarah Palin Vlog #3 (The number 1 featured comedy on YouTube!)

Sarah Palin Vlog #4

Sara Benincasa not only gave an amazing performance, but edited all of these. The improving between us as Sarah Palin and Dina Heath-Barr was nothing short of magical. Be on the look out for more goodness.

Sarah Palin, County Dog Catcher

2008-09-01T12:14:00.002-04:00

What happens when two couples get together, eat Ethiopian food, and talk shit about McCain's VP, Sarah Palin? MAGIC. This is just a teaser of more to come. Sara Benincasa and I, aided by our domestic partners Sam and Ces, shot probably an hour and a half of this shit, improving pure MAGIC.

Enjoy.

You're welcome.

Best GIF Ever

2008-08-28T14:28:00.001-04:00

Thanks, Sara B!

An Open Letter to My Upstairs Neighbor

2008-08-26T19:42:00.005-04:00

Dear Number 4A:

It's so nice to know that someone is out there living out their Sex and the City dreams these days. We all know what a rare, precious thing that is. Spread those wings, girl!

I wonder what it is someone who gets home between 2 and 3 a.m. on weekday nights could be doing for a living that would sustain the rental prices of Manhattan. What makes things even more puzzling is your ritualistic vacuuming between the hours of 5 and 6 p.m. every single day. This is more vacuuming than any studio could possibly need. The frequent packages from what looks to be your mother on behalf of Pottery Barn and West Elm must mean that whatever it is you do, it has not been enough to sever family ties.

Can I speak freely here? I hate you.

Sometimes when I hear you stumbling, most likely on all fours, up to your fourth floor walk up in what can only be a pair of lead boots from an antique deep-sea diving suit, I find myself with a case of hate-induced Tourette's Syndrome. Words I usually reserve for Ann Coulter pour freely.

We are already on shaky ground, friend. But then last night, in addition to all the other pain and suffering you've so deftly doled out, you invited friends over for activities I can only assume were drunken shuttle runs, rounds of 2 lbs lady dumbbell tossing, and handstands.
So as happy as I am for you that you were fully inspired by the 2008 Olympics, I want you to know that I lay festering with rage trying to think of ways I could ruin your life that won't get me arrested. My only relief last night came in the form of your anxiety-riddled Siamese cat, whose unrelenting wailing and anguished meows induced a hate stroke inside my brain so fierce that I knocked myself unconscious with rage.

Maybe one day soon you will fall victim to your own folly (and my hope lies with untreated syphilis). Until then, I will be eagerly awaiting the end of your reign of terror.

Unity,

3A

Childhood Traumas

2008-08-21T09:50:00.005-04:00

Somewhere back in the deep recesses of my brain, sandwiched between the ABC After School Special starring Calista Flockhart as an innovative, forward-thinking bulimic who taught us all about barfing in jars and that horrifying episode on Little House on the Prairie when Sylvia got raped by a mime, lives a darker memory. It’s the hazy memory of an 80s movie staring a young, plump Wendie Jo Sperber (RIP) as a lovable fat chick who is (obviously) a social outcast.

Wendie Jo Sperber, Team Chunk Pioneer

IMDB would have me believe that this was “Dinky Hocker.” All I know is that in this movie Wendie Jo was frantically shoveling ho-hos and other carb variants down her pie hole so fast she could barely breathe. But the scene that is really burned in my memory is the one where she is told by the Queen Bees that she’s allowed to join their sorority. She fully believes this is all on the up-and-up and gratefully partakes in their hazing rituals. They tell her to put on a bikini and wait in one of the rooms of the house for their analysis. As if this is not a horrifying enough proposition, what awaits her is so much worse.

We see poor Wendie Jo, huddled in a corner wearing a bright blue bikini. She looks pretty cute to me, but in TV land she is clearly revolting . When the door flies open it is not a bevy of sorority sisters, but a cute popular guy she has been tutoring and crushing on HARD. Wendie is stuck in the horrible, unimaginable situation of having to then RUN out of the room with her confused Crush looking on in complete confusion while some Alpha Bitch laughs hysterically.

I tell you this tale because this is what I am anticipating I tell you this tale because I feel like a chunky Wendie Jo, huddled in the corner after being nominated for the Hot Blogger Calendar. Surely, this will only end badly.

Part of me wants to win this to represent Team Chunk. The other part of me is terrified that a roomful of evil doers awaits with breathless anticipation to see me running, tears streaming down my face, cellulite bouncing, into the moonlight.

Greener Pastures

2008-08-19T10:38:00.002-04:00

Y'all I am not feeling Blogger as of late. Blogging in general was kind of riding my jock in an way I did not enjoy. Some jock riding is pleasurable. But this kind was chafing. So I've switched to Tumblr because it's what all the cool kids who read Gawker do. Also, I kind of like how I can just post a pic and be done with it.

So catch me on the flip side: Dianasaurus Rex

I will probably not let YOU: On My Blog die entirely. I know how dearly it would be missed.

Died fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico

2008-07-22T14:01:00.004-04:00

I knew this day would come sooner or later, but it still came too soon. Sophia Petrillo, otherwise known as Estelle Getty has died.

I wish I could create a netherworld where people like Estelle could frolick and roam free. She was one of the funniest women ever on TV. Remember when she tried to get the toilet installed in the living room? How about when she ragged on Blanche's tiny rack? LOVED HER.

I hope that I'm wrong and there is a Magic Pony Fairy Kitty Princess Land where old broads like you get to eat cheesecake out on the lanai for all eternity. You ruled.

The Gift of Illness

2008-07-09T20:15:00.008-04:00

As I begin to rapid mood cycle once more, I looked to Teh Google to self-diagnose. In an effort to see what symptoms for ADD/ADHD might be and if that might be the latest thing to justify my behavior, I found this:

Yes, what if my mental disorder was a GIFT and I learned from this guy:

Look at the gift of ADD he bears complete with a stiff, awkward gesture like so many magi. How could you not want this gift when the packaging comes in the form of Lurch in an ill-fitting Men's Warehouse suit?

Source

Fat Women Grow Prostates

2008-07-08T16:20:00.004-04:00

This photo is proof that when reporting about obesity, journalists get so excited about churning out another fatty piece that they can barely contain themselves before breathlessly uploading the first picture of a headless fatty they can find.

Source

The Face of GERD

2008-07-03T20:26:00.002-04:00

Whenever I Google something I inevitably end up on some sort of About.com page. While they often have good info, I loathe the site's clunky design and especially that stroke-inducing frame that appears EVERYWHERE.

After dealing with three days of heartburn, I decided to see what the hell could be causing it. I still haven't found a decent enough answer, but I did find out that About.com's face of heartburn/GERD is exactly what you'd expect.

Straight out of GERD central casting. What sucks is that it's like looking directly into my future. Hold me, Jesus.

Call Girls and Boys 10 to 12 Years Old

2008-06-12T10:52:00.004-04:00

I'm not an English major or someone who gets their panties in a knot over spelling/grammar mistakes (mostly because I make so many myself) but I do think in this case, some punctuation would be appropriate. Unless, of course, someone really is casting call girls or call boys ages 10 to 12. Doesn't sound like any educational entertainment I know of.