You See What You Want to See

Gratitude is all about your Attitude

2008-11-20T20:39:00.003-05:00

Ashlee posted about Thanksgiving and gratitude today. Since I am a copy cat I want to talk about what I am grateful for too. I spend a lot of time, probably too much, thinking about what is wrong or bad about my life. It is high time I count my blessings.

I am grateful for my husband and daughter. They are two of the best, most fun, and wonderful blessings in my life. I love being a part of this family. I love being the mama and I love leaning on my husband. In many real ways he is my rock and I know I am his too.

I am thankful for my job. It would be insane of me not to be in this economy. It is not my dream job, whatever that is, and I really struggle with certain aspects of it sometimes, but I am grateful I am employed. I also get to use my brain more than my back and having been raised by someone that wore their body out at work I appreciate that. I also get insurance with my job and they pay for it 100% for me and for my husband and daughter. That is rare and precious.

I am grateful for my friends. I don't have a ton of them but there are some people in my life who are truly wonderful and make what might otherwise be a dull existence very funny.

I am thankful for my home. I could write a whole post about the drawbacks of this apartment but it is doing its duty as shelter tonight. I can hear the wind howling and I am very happy to be inside.

I am thankful for my religion. I find great comfort in it. I feel very close to God sometimes, mostly when I make an effort, and I love that. I love what I get to learn.

I am grateful for my body. I haven't been overly good to it over the years but it is still working pretty well. I am trying to get into better shape. It is an amazing machine and I am amazed sometimes by how well it works and does the things I need it to do. This is never more apparent to me than when I look at TLP and think, I GREW THIS CHILD. Sometimes she'll lay on my lap, with her legs dangling down and I'll marvel that she ever fit inside of me.

There is probably a zillion other things but that will do for now. I hope you have something to be grateful for too.

Thinking about Kathleen

2008-11-12T22:33:00.000-05:00

I came back after my stupid last post that I should just delete. The new Jane talks about things. Being the new Jane bites sometimes.

I have a lot of things bothering me right now but one thing in particular I want to talk about.

I keep monitoring the news for word on my friend Kathleen McBroom. The Anchorage Daily News ran this story today.

Basically it describes the situation and current status. No knows anything really and it makes me want to howl in frustration.

I tend to over-identify with people I meet online sometimes. I read what they say and I think I understand them, I think they are like me.

So when someone asked me if I thought Kathleen could have killed herself I said yes. When I first heard where she went missing I imagined her going over the edge. I can imagine myself doing it, so it isn't a huge leap to imagine someone else I identify with doing it.

I am not saying she did. I am saying she could have.

Kathleen was a sweetheart. She tried to help others, to see the beauty in every day things, and she spent a lot of time pondering stuff in her writing.

She had a history of bad stuff in her past, she had been raped, she was in a horrible work situation where she was being treated like garbage (her words), and she felt desperate.

She had a high energy period lately when she was posting a lot, which means she had been thinking a lot. Sometimes her posts were longer than I could get through. I suspect she was bipolar and with highs also come lows.

After the rape she would have been traumatized. Being bullied at work can also be traumatic. I don't know. Too much points to her just having lost it.

Her two daughters had run away in the past and been missing for 3 weeks. I simply cannot imagine Beany running away. It hurt her so much. I can't see her being somewhere safe and letting her family worry.

I can imagine her driving to work and feeling that desperation. Feeling trapped. Maybe the thought came to her suddenly to just end it all. She tests her courage a little by swerving towards the guardrail.

She can't take one more day and there is no way to not go to work. As someone who has considered breaking her own arm as a way to gracefully avoid a bad work situation, it doesn't seem that far fetched to me.

The trooper shows up and she talks to him. She says she is tired. The key to lying effectively about something is to tell part of the truth. She is tired. She is going to rest. She probably felt pretty calm at that point.

She waited until it was clear, then locked the truck, and stepped off. The end. No reprieve and hopefully no time to regret her decision during those last seconds.

That is what I imagined with tears streaming down my face one day last week. Nothing has come up since then to show that anything else happened.

I feel discouraged and damaged. I can't imagine how her family feels. I pray for them and I pity them. The hardest part is that we may never know what really happened to her.

I am so so sorry. I miss her kindness.

I want to run away

2008-11-12T21:03:00.002-05:00

I am forcing myself to post today. I started crying before I even got out of bed.

I've been having dark thoughts and bad dreams. I wish I could be eloquent about it but I can't right now.

The good thing is that it is coming into that time of year when I have lots of days off due to holidays. If I can just hang on I'll get a break and rest.

I feel like a complete wreck. Sorry this is such a downer post.

Get your Obama On

2008-11-05T19:38:00.003-05:00

I don't even know what that means, but it is a good blog title. My Mom texted me today in ALL CAPS:

MY CANDIDATE WON! GOD BLESS AMERICA, I AM SO HAPPY THAT THIS HAPPENED IN MY LIFETIME!

Or something like that. It made me smile. I had no idea who she was voting for and she was obviously really excited.

I am so happy it is over! No, the person I voted for didn't win. Yes, bloggie friends, I voted for McCain.

I wasn't thrilled with either candidate but I chose McCain for some very specific reasons that I don't need to go into.

There are certain things I don't like about Barack Obama. He is pretty smooth; he reminds me of Slick Willie. I think it is the 'lawyer' in them. I don't like that.

I don't think, like a family member of Thad's, that he is the anti-Christ. I don't think he is a Muslim, or a bad person, or whatever has been spouted on TV. I just couldn't choose him.

So this is the day after. A lot of disappointed people out there. I hate that. I know a lot of people are trying to reconcile the outcome with what they wanted. Or they are just moaning about it.

Unfortunately I've heard some ugly stuff and it is only day one. A waitress in the coffee shop this morning related an ignorant comment one of her patrons made this morning, something about 'nappy headed kids in the White House'.

That seriously ticked me off. Stupid jerk.

Maybe you don't agree with Obama but leave the kids out of it. If you want to hate Obama hate him for what he has said, or done, not for the color of his skin or the texture of his hair.

Later in the day I was wool gathering and I thought about that remark and it brought up a very specific memory.

When I was a young lass I worked for three years as a nanny. When I came to live with the family Jacob was 4 and his little brother was 8 months old.

I grew to love them both though Jacob was sometimes harder to love. He had that typical bitterness over being supplanted by a younger sibling. Or at least I think it felt like he was being replaced.

Jacob's father is black and his mother is white. It was harder than I imagined to deal with some of the issues this brought up.

Once when Jacob was about five I bought him the Neverending Story movie. I had loved it as a child. He LOVED it and watched it constantly.

One day after he watched it he crawled onto my lap and said, "I wish I looked like Atreyu.". My heart fell through my toes. I don't remember what I said exactly. I vividly remember stroking his curly hair and saying something about how handsome and wonderful I thought he was and that it was okay that he didn't look like Atreyu. I don't know if that was the right thing.

That memory came back to me so strongly today. I thought about what little Jacob, who actually is now nearly 18, would think of having Barack Obama as his president. It feels nice.

I hope Obama does what he said he would and that he behaves honorably. He needs to be more than a good president, he needs to be a good example.

So if anyone reading didn't get their way, just give it a chance. He may not have been your first choice, but that doesn't mean he won't do good things for our country. It does not mean we are going to hell in a handbasket. So, chill folks.

In the dark and cloudy day

2008-11-03T21:50:00.009-05:00

I have a lot of thoughts popping through my head tonight but I keep thinking of this Houseman poem, particularly this part:

Therefore, since the world has still
Much good, but much less good than ill,
And while the sun and moon endure
Luck’s a chance, but trouble’s sure,
I’d face it as a wise man would,
And train for ill and not for good.
Tis true, the stuff I bring for sale
Is not so brisk a brew as ale:
Out of a stem that scored the hand
I wrung it in a weary land.
But take it: if the smack is sour,
The better for the embittered hour;
It should do good to heart and head
When your soul is in my soul’s stead;
And I will friend you, if I may,
In the dark and cloudy day.

It is very stoic and suits my temperment. The language is lovely and stark.

I've been thinking of the election tonight, among other things. My grandfather uses to say, when presented with rice with dinner, "One billion Chinese can't be wrong." Then he would chuckle and eat.

I can't get over knowing that tomorrow night around this time a lot of people are going to be very diappointed and a larger number will be very happy. It doesn't seem fair that some will feel cheated, that they chose wrong or that the 'other guy' chose wrong. Everyone should be happy with the outcome, or at least content.

I am content, but mostly because I don't think it matters much in the long term who wins the election. I know someone that would cry foul at that and she would say everything, EVERYTHING hinges on this moment in history. Codswallop. (Lovely British word.)

In the short term it is easy to be passionate, that is almost the lazy way, the long term view is more perilous to consider. It is so unknown, unreachable, not to mention wholly unpopular.

Someone will win. That someone will not meet all their campaign promises. He will make mistakes. It will be discovered that he was overly optimistic in his projections, a little elastic in his conjectures. He will do good stuff too. Some good things will happen. He'll run for election again and maybe win maybe not and then it will be someone else's turn. On and on and on, grinding inexorably towards the future.

I am confident that would be the case no matter which candidate wins. We will all move on, pick up the pieces, try to keep our jobs, do our best.

We will return to our normal commercials so we can once again be swayed from one brand of deoderant to another. Thank goodness.

Some of you stink.

Confused and Pissed

2008-11-01T18:47:00.006-04:00

Another UPDATE 11-05-08: Check out this link from If Mom Says Ok about Kathleen. I am so mad that trooper would let her go, not call her family, or something. I hope Beany is okay somewhere.

UPDATE - Maggie commented with this link. Thanks so much Maggie! It is a very short piece asking for anyone who may have seen Kathleen. It seems like very little very late. I guess things do work differently in Alaska. I was wrong yesterday when I said I would be seriously disappointed if this was a hoax. I am seriously disappointed it isn't, because the alternative isn't very good. I thought of Kathleen while at church today. I hope very much that she is somewhere safe.

I've been lax about blog reading. Tonight I started through my normal round and saw this post about my friend Kathleen.

I freaked out of course and started to worry. I read through the comments and I saw her friend had updated with this post. I started crying.

Then TLP needed me and I had to pull myself together and do the mommy thing. By the time I got back to the computer I was calm.

So I Yahooed. Then I Googled. And I found nothing about Kathleen except on blogs. Nothing on Anchorage Daily News site or the local ABC affiliate. I searched for Kathleen McBroom, for missing woman, for missing Alaskan, etc.

Maybe my Google is broken or newshounds in Alaska are different than everywhere else in the world but my BS meter lit up like a Christmas tree. (Notice I didn't say Jack O Lantern. Halloween is so five minutes ago.) Hence the blog title.

I've been rolled by internet friends before and if this is a hoax I will be seriously disappointed. I hate drama.

I suppose I might be too cynical and there is a perfectly logical explanation. I'll keep my eyes open and see. I really like Kathleen and I want her to be okay.

Information Overload

2008-10-29T22:59:00.003-04:00

I realized something tonight.

I am not going crazy. This is not pre-Alzheimer's. I am not stupid.

There is just too much stuff in my brain. Don't start congratulating me. I don't mean useful stuff.
It have at least 7 email accounts (that I remember). I have 2 blogs. I have a banking username and password. One for school. Seven different logins I use regularly for work, plus my boss's login. I have about 6 MUD characters for an online text game. Honestly I play so infrequently I did start writing those down. Paypal. Ravelry. Mom site. Fertility site. Weight Watchers site. Photobucket too. Oh yeah, Slingo.

Wait. I AM stupid. What a mess.

Maybe I should turn off the stupid computer and read a book. I could possibly recover lots of brain space.

OUCH!

I had a thought (now I can't remember my Pampers.com login). I remembered something hilarious I must share with you. It makes me laugh anyway due to my work situation.

Ten Percent Gone

2008-10-23T20:42:00.000-04:00

Yes, this is a Weight Watchers post.

I went to my weigh in on Wednesday. Despite baking cookies and going wild on my anniversary I still managed to lose .4 lbs. That took me right to my 10%.

Wow.

Ten percent of me is now gone. I can't believe it. I got a cute keychain shaped like a 10. People clapped. It is corny I know, but it does help. I need praise.

I still have weight to lose so I am moving forward. Fall/Winter is hard for me. I love baked goods and rich holiday foods.

I still haven't fallen in love with exercise. We aren't even friends. We wave to each other in the hall and say, "How was your weekend?", but that's it. I know I need to work on that.

My leader (that I love) has said over and over that you don't HAVE to exercise to lose weight but you DO have to exercise to MAINTAIN a healthy weight. I'd hate to go to all this trouble and just gain it back.

So I am going to work on it again and see if I can get something going.

Why don't I just take off all my clothes

2008-10-21T21:38:00.007-04:00

Sister Sassy is having a contest. Check it out. It is about music. I am going to play even though it makes me feel vulnerable.

I am tempted to offer up all of the Indigo Girls CD, Little Earthquakes, and Jagged Little Pill. It is such a wide range of lovely songs. So apt.

I decided to pick one song from each CD. And obviously it had to be a whole post instead of a comment.

Okay, from Little Earthquakes. Definitely Silent All these Years. This was some kind of theme song for me. The essence of the song not the exact topics it covers. Especially this part:

Cause sometimes I said sometimes

I hear my voice and it's been HERE silent all these

Years go by will I still be waiting

For somebody else to understand

Years go by if I'm stripped of my beauty

And the orange clouds raining in my head

Years go by will I choke on my tears

Till finally there is nothing left

One more casualty

I didn't use to talk very much. Or smile. It was sad. But I am different now. Better. Listening to this song is something that helped. It made me feel less unique in my pain. Does that make sense? Eventually other things happened and I learned to speak and to have an opinion. At least sometimes. I am still more drawn in flat chalk than I would like.

Okay, Jagged Little Pill next. I love all the songs on here except maybe Mary Jane. I don't know why but that one bugs me. I am going to go with Perfect, though it was a hard choice. You should check out all the lyrics but I love these:

Sometimes is never quite enough

If you're flawless, then you'll win my love

Don't forget to win first place

Don't forget to keep that smile on your face

More angst. Sorry. It is a recurring theme. I was the third daughter in my family. The first one got pregnant at 17 and then quickly got married in Reno. The second one ran away. I was left at home and the hammer fell. My every movement was watched, I was cross-examined, questioned and smothered. Not only that I was somehow expected to make up for the loss of the first two. Ugh. Ugly memories.

That brings me to Indigo Girls by the Indigo Girls. I love this CD. This was another hard choice. I figured I might as well stay 'on theme' and go with Blood and Fire.

I have spent nights with matches and knives,

Leaning over ledges, only two flights up.

Cutting my heart, burning my soul.

Nothing left to hold,

Nothing left but, blood and fire.

And the chorus:

I am intense,

I am in need,

I am in pain,

I am in love.

I am intense,

I am in need,

I am in pain,

I am in love.

I am intense,

I am in need,

I am in pain,

I am in love.

Dismal. Sorry.

I've been thinking a lot about self injury lately. A co-worker, a very apparently unobservant man that I've worked with for 7 years next week noticed my scars. I guess he just never noticed before and it took him off guard. He was concerned, even though they are obviously old. We haven't talked about it. He said we will go offsite sometime and talk about it. I don't know if this is for him or me. He also said he would never joke about jumping off a bridge with me again.

If you've never read this post of mine about self injury, you should. It is way more happy overall than this one.

It is also that time of year. The darkness usually brings the darkness. It makes me want to run away.

But really, I am fine. Sometime soon I may slip one of the above CD's into my car and listen to them very loudly on the way to work. It will help me cope a bit. As long as I don't go all Comfortably Numb on you everything should be okay.

Happy Sweetest Day

2008-10-19T08:15:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was Sweetest Day. Another holiday made up by greeting card companies, but a holiday nevertheless.

The nicest thing Thad did for me was to leave me at home while he went to the grocery store to do the weekly shopping. I love that man. TLP had a rough day and I was soo happy to not have to fight her through the grocery store.

He also bought Klondike bars. If only he'd asked me what I would do for a Klondike bar. Instead he just gave me one, no strings attached. He really missed out.

We got married on Sweetest Day 7 years ago. For those who don't know it is always on Saturday. Our actual anniversary is Monday, but I like to pretend BOTH days are our anniversary. I don't know why. We don't exchange presents. I guess I just like extended holidays. I have a birthday week too, but that is another topic.

I am taking the day off work tomorrow. Thad's mom is babysitting. I think we are hitting a movie and going out to dinner. We might even have a grown up conversation. I wish the weather was supposed to be nice. The leaves are beautiful right now. Unfortunately it is supposed to rain. Ah well, a rainy day off work is still better than any day at work.

Fall Back - Wordless Wednesday

2008-10-15T08:16:00.003-04:00

Stupid Hives

2008-10-08T22:29:00.003-04:00

Read about my hives.

Ok, now take everything I said about how miserable they are but apply it to my little princess. That will teach me to say everything is basically fine.

She is digging at her ears so much they are bleeding. Same on her tummy and neck. She is head to toe broken out. It is so sad.

I can hardly get Benadryl down her. I am going to have to mix it in something next time. The calamine lotion is helping too. I just wish they would go away and never come back.

Last night was so awful. I hope she is able to sleep through the night. The doctor said they should go away in a few days. Uh huh. BTDT, hives don't always do what they are SUPPOSED to do. As hard as it was for me to have hives for months on end, I can't imagine her having them.

I know. I am borrowing trouble. I just need to calm the heck down. I can already feel my lip puffing up and growing a hive.

Hi

2008-10-07T23:12:00.002-04:00

I am stalking my own blog. That is funny. I feel all weird and shy. Picture me looking at my shoes and saying, "Gee, I would have posted, but I've been busy, you know, stuff. And things."

Oh, and standing in front of the mirror, talking to myself. Blogging is kind of like talking to yourself, at least on a lot of blogs. I've found lately it is easier to just talk to myself than to write it down.

But in case you were wondering, mostly everything is fine.

Screaming

2008-09-16T22:00:00.002-04:00

The little princess screams. Really high pitched. Repeatedly.

It makes me want to scream. I don't know what to do about it. Stapling her lips together seems like overkill.

Dudes, relax. I am not really going to staple her lips together.

She seems to do it just because she enjoyes the noise. Sometimes she yells for the same reason. That isn't so bad. It is loud but not piercing.

I learned that her Grandma thinks it is 'cute'. I don't know what that means. I hope that doesn't mean she is encouraging her. If I was rapidly losing my ~~sanity~~ hearing I might think it is funny or cute too. Normal human beings, not to mention fine crystal, don't deal with it well.

One of my friends suggested a spray bottle. Um, isn't that for training dogs?

*sigh*

Another thing in a long list of things I don't know what to do about.

Germs - the other stranger danger

2008-09-10T22:10:00.004-04:00

Thad, TLP and I went to Sam's Club last Saturday to buy formula. TLP still won't drink straight milk so we are mixing it. We hadn't had lunch so we got a hot dog and drink and sat in the little eating area. This is a blah lunch for me but Thad considers it top notch grubbin'.

As he was getting sauerkraut and mustard I noticed a Sam's employee emptying the trash cans into a large bin. I glanced at him idly and noticed his lack of gloves. It grossed me out. I would insist on gloves.

Thad came back and sat down to eat. I was feeding TLP an unsalted pretzel. A few minutes later the garbage man rolled by with his giant refuse container. As he did he reached over and tweaked my baby girl's cheek with his garbagey hand. EWWW!

Thad, who honestly is pretty hard to disgust, looked repulsed. I thought he was going to stand up and yell at the guy. I had a slight heart attack and wiped at her face with a dry napkin. I wanted to run after the guy and bean him over the head while screaming, "How dare you touch my daughter's face with your disgusting garbage hand!!". But I didn't. I took a deep breath and told Thad it was going to be fine.

The man was older, probably about 60. A grandpa looking type. I am sure he was just being nice, tweaking a cute little cheek as he went by. Blasting him with my laser vision probably would have been overboard.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened. I don't understand what some people think, or why they think children's faces or arms or whatever are public property. It feels like a violation. It is definitely on the long list of things that really get to me/make me hate people.

It has been a few days and TLP has no ill effects. In fact she had a cold at the time so that guy is probably dead by now. You would think people would just be careful out of self preservation if nothing else. Little kids have germy faces...and let's not even discuss their hands.

Celebrate with Smoked Fish

2008-09-04T00:08:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I posted a lovely picture of a smoked menominee for Wordless Wednesday. Scroll down if you missed it. Said fish now resides in my refrigerator. He doesn't look so good at the moment. Someone has been picking on him.

This past weekend was, as most of you know, a three day holiday weekend to celebrate Labor Day. I love three day weekends. They feel like freedom. I usually need three days to fit a weekend into, though four is better.

I could have done anything on my three day weekend. I could have cleaned my house, gone to a movie, visited friends, or solved world hunger (tell no one). But oh no.

Instead I got into the car with Thad and a slightly feverish TLP and drove three hours North to purchase smoked meat. I say meat because the fish wasn't our only culinary treasure. Oh yes, my friends. There was turkey jerky. And beef jerky. But I digress.

I should have said I got into the car slightly under protest. I did not want to go North. I live North and to go more North isn't always that thrilling for me. The only thing up there is more North. And Canada.

I grumbled and huffed and fumed in a passive aggressive way. I was very happy to be with Thad and TLP but I was worried about her cold (it might have been plague or something) and tired myself and coming down with what has turned out to be a nasty head cold.

So we drove and drove and drove. The little princess only screamed for about 1 hour. Finally we are North. We do some touristy things. We ooh and ahh. Thad announces he is ready to go. I look at my watch (this is a dramatic something thingie. I do not own a watch.) and groan. We've been there half an hour.

I grumble louder. I demand that TLP get to escape from her stroller and move around and hopefully get a tiny bit exhausted so she sleeps the whole way home. Five minutes after being released from her stroller she falls down and hits her head on the pavement. Back to the stroller.

Next we go buy smoked meat. We spend a lot of money. Then we drive towards home. More screaming.

We stop about an hour from home at a farmstand we love. We walk around, buy a few things and then Thad decides he is ready to leave. I decide we are staying and playing at the playground. Now Thad grumbles. He goes to put our purchases in the car before we go to the playground. He locks the car and just as he does I see that look on his face. TheohmyhellIjustlockedthekeysinthecarlookaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh.

He is crushed. I tell him to call a locksmith and I take TLP to the playground. I blame myself (because I am somehow all powerful and caused this to happen). Thad blames himself.

Then something amazing happened. I counted my blessings. Yes, the keys were in the car. But the baby wasn't. Major goodness here. It was a fine, lovely day with blue skies. We were somewhere with a playground and a bathroom and food and drinks to purchase. The small fortune in smoked meat was safely in a cooler with an icee pack. I was with the two people on earth that I loved most. I managed to get the rock out of TLP's mouth before she swallowed it (playground fun!). We have AAA so in due time a nice locksmith/fire chief arrived and rescued us and we didn't have to fork over a dime.

Thad and I talked about it afterward and we both agree it was a great trip. It helped us both stop and think about what is really important to us. We needed that.

Almost Wordless Wednesday - The Smoked Fish Edition

2008-09-03T00:01:00.001-04:00

Smoked Menominee

Come back on Thursday if you want an explanation. For more Wordless Wednesday fun, click here.

Diablo II - How I love thee

2008-08-27T23:13:00.003-04:00

Thad and I started new Diablo II characters earlier this week. So we've been playing every night. It is very satisfying to kill demons, rescue people, and fill up my chest with loot. It makes me feel way more powerful than in real life which has quite a few sucky bits at the moment. I like being able to stare at the computer screen yelling DIE DIE DIE and not have my husband freak out.

In other notes, life moved on past my little hiccup last week. Thank you to all of you that gave me such lovely love.

ps
Thad bought me Diablo II when we were dating. *sniff* It was so romantic. I had almost done Diablo II with another man, but I am so glad I waited.

Cosmic Unfairness

2008-08-18T21:41:00.005-04:00

I wish I could step out of my life for awhile. There is some yuckiness going on, stuff I can't talk about at the moment. I wish I could avoid it though.

This isn't the first time in my life that I wish I could run away. You hear stories sometimes, almost jokes, about people that go out for groceries, or cigarrettes and never come back. I kind of get it.

When you don't know what else to do, sometimes leaving does seem like the best option. I am not saying it is, but I can see how it would seem attractive when you can't face something.

I know this all sounds vague and weird. Sorry about that. I wasn't going to write anything but I am filled with frustration and sadness tonight. Life just isn't fair sometimes, you know?

PS
This is not about Thad or the little princess.

True That

2008-08-14T22:34:00.003-04:00

I really needed to see this ad tonight. It made me snort, then guffaw, then I got a little hysterical. This proves that really, deep down, I am a shallow, pimply teenage boy. You should hear me snicker every time Bob Costas says Nastia.

Yeah, It is Envy

2008-08-09T21:03:00.004-04:00

I don't make it a habit to check out other women. They mostly have better bodies than me, though I don't always like what the world likes. I hate the way supermodels look, all skeletal, no-hipped, and hollow cheeked.

Tonight I've been watching Olympic beach volleyball. The players are striking. They have strong, flat tummies. They are muscular, often with long legs and arms. One Japanese woman playing tonight is 38 years old. She looks fabulous.

As I've mentioned before I joined Weight Watchers about 3-4 months ago. I've been losing weight mainly with diet changes. I've tried to add in more walking but it is hit and miss. I've been trying to convince myself that I need to make exercise a priority, but it is really hard to believe it.

One thing I've been doing is trying to remind myself that my body is a machine that needs regular care and maintenance. That it is functional and the better shape it is in the better it will function.

Seeing these women tonight is a great reminder. They look like amazing machines. Strong. No jiggle.

The Pink Stuff

2008-08-05T21:57:00.002-04:00

The little princess kept us both up the night before last. She was hot so I gave her some Tylenol but I didn't take her temp. She wouldn't settle down and was all over our bed. Finally I brought her into the living room and rocked her. I ended up putting her down in the pack 'n play still awake and I laid down on the couch. She picked up a ball in each hand and just laid there. Finally she drifted off and we both slept a few hours.

Thad got her up the next morning and woke me up to tell me I was late. I showered and then checked on them. Poor kid just didn't look right and still felt hot. I took her temp and it was 102. I couldn't remember if that was bad or really bad so I called the nurse. She suggested bringing her in to have her ears checked. They didn't have an appointment until almost 4 so I went to work and Thad kept her dosed on Tylenol all day and gave her lots of TLC.

She screamed and screamed when she saw the nurse. She had shots last week and I think she remembered. She wasn't very happy about the doctor either, especially when he came at her with an implement. TLP doesn't like implements, especially metallic ones. You should have seen her when she got her foot measured. It was torture.

It turns out she has a right ear infection and the doctor recommended a course of amoxicillin. I questioned him on whether he really thought it was bacterial. I am against the random use of antibiotics and I wanted to make sure he knew that. He said he really thought it was bacterial by how it looked and he felt that is what we should do.

So we headed off to the drugstore to get her prescription filled. It took about 30 minutes. About 5 minutes after we paid for it I remembered we could get this same antibiotic free at another store. (Good job Jane. Really excellent.)

She took it okay the first night. This morning she hated it, choked on it, it dribbled out of her mouth and it went all over. Tonight's dose went better. I put it in her bottle. She didn't like the taste of the milk but she did drink it.

Overall she is feeling better tonight. She hasn't had a fever since earlier today. She isn't quite as cranky. She still isn't eating normally and her bowels are off due to the antibiotic. One day down, 8.5 to go!

Of course I am second guessing myself. I wonder if we had skipped the doctor if she would be getting better anyway. Either way I am glad she is feeling better. I had such a hard time with ear infections when I was a kid. I hope this isn't the start of a bad run.

She signed to me

2008-07-30T21:59:00.003-04:00

She finally signed more to me! More and milk are the only two signs I've worked on with her and I didn't think she'd ever get either one.

I am so thrilled that she communicated with me. I would like to work on some more signs. I need to get a book or video.

That was totally the highlight of my day!

One year old

2008-07-26T10:38:00.002-04:00

This past week the little princess turned one. She also took her first steps, learned the words 'fish' and 'balloons', pulled the fan and cd tower down on herself, and caused my heart to stop repeatedly in both good and bad ways.

She is so smart and curious. It amazes me how well she remembers things. I tell her to find a certain toy and she goes to look for it exactly where she left it.

It is also amazing how willful and independent she is. She knows exactly what she wants and does her charming or impudent best to get it. I almost envy her for her spirit.

I keep thinking that these traits that are so frustrating to me now will serve her well as an adult. It feels like a daunting responsibility to teach her how to channel that, to make it work for her, and not to frustrate her. Since I am the biggest wet rag pushover wallflower the West has ever seen I have no idea how to do this.

TLP loves music and dancing. She still loves The Lawrence Welk Show and we try to catch it at least once a weekend. She especially likes the dancing when the ladies have on long, swirling dresses. The tap dancing also captivates her. Maybe it is because it is so rhythmic.

It is so fun to see her sense of humor developing day by day. We keep a pillow in the living room, way back from breastfeeding days, and we call it 'mommy's pillow'. I'll throw it on the floor and she'll rush over to it and lay on it and giggle. I can see that she and Thad will probably prank me at least once a week for the rest of my life. She'll totally be his little partner in crime. I love it.

I have to mention her birthday party too. It wasn't what I dreamed of but it turned out fine. I wanted to do something special. Not ponies or clowns or a $5000 cake, but something. I have baggage from my youth regarding birthdays and I want to be a different mom than the one I had. I nearly struck out but it turned out okay in the end. Actually it was wonderful.

The adults and cousins had an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen. She had a lovingly ~~home made~~ purchased by mommy yellow cake with white frosting. She had 'ba-oons' to play with, then there were presents, and then the cake eating commenced.

I sat her on my lap and dipped her finger in the frosting and she tasted it. It was magical. It was SUGAR. She and sugar are now bff's and she will probably always love sugar more than me.

I took her shirt and shorts off and sat her in the high chair. Then I transferred the cake to her tray. She dove right in and ended up with frosting to her elbows. It got on the floor and on the wall. Thank goodness it was Grandma's house. She ate much more of the cake than I thought she would. She giggled and laughed and was very entertaining. She knows how to be the center of attention.

Just at the height of her happiness it all came crashing down. It was time for a bath. AKA torture. Grandma offered to bathe her and I nearly cried with joy. I think Grandma thought I must be doing something wrong and a properly bathed child would be happy and cooing with delight. She screamed and screamed until she was safe in Thad's arms.

After that she got to play with her new toys. You should have seen the look on her face when I was cradling baby Elmo in my arms. Pure jealousy. Heh, heh.

It was a perfect end to an amazing, wonderful, terrifying year. I wouldn't have traded it for anything. I am so happy to be TLP's mom and I feel such deep gratitude for being so blessed. My only 'if only' is that I wish I was closer to my family, both physically and emotionally.

Now the second year has begun. Whooo-eeee...what a wild ride it will be!

Fess up

2008-07-25T23:18:00.004-04:00

I snuck into ~~my room~~ the baby's room to check on her tonight. She was laying exactly where I left her the hour before. Quietly.

So, I touched her leg. Still warm, but no response.

I peered through the darkness, trying to see her face. Too dark.

Then I poked her in the ribs. She grunted and shifted around.

Whew! She's still alive.

She turned one yesterday and I am still terrified of something bad happening to her. I can't be the only one that pokes their sleeping child to make sure they are still alive.

Am I?