This is how I feel about 2011.

In the past twelve months, we have survived two layoffs at work, a kidney biopsy, and both of us working 2 jobs (or in Pete’s case, working 2 jobs and going to school). We got a diagnosis for Pete that said future children will have over a 50% chance of having fibronectin glomerulopathy. We are seeing a genetic counselor and deciding if we’ll have kids (the answer to that is probably, but it’s good to know what we’re up against).

It’s been a rough year, and I’m tired.

So no resolutions for me, this year. Instead, I just hope that we’ll have a little less drama, less medical issues, and a better job for DP. And that would make for a successful 2012.

And yet.

It comes to me at unexpected moments. When I wrote the post about the latest in our CKD Adventure, T.S. Eliot kept popping into my head.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;                            
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions
And for a hundred visions and revisions
Before the taking of a toast and tea.
- The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, T.S. Eliot

Eliot transcends my thoughts so that I know that we have plenty of time. And things will change, and change again, and there will still be time.

As I was driving home last night I got parts of Eliot’s Little Gidding.

We die with the dying:
See, they depart, and we go with them.
We are born with the dead:
See, they return, and bring us with them.

Today is a day of hushed conversations behind closed doors. Of waiting for the phone to ring and hoping that it doesn’t. People’s lives will change today.

What we call the beginning is often the end
And to make and end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from. And every phrase
And sentence that is right (where every word is at home,
Taking its place to support the others,
The word neither diffident nor ostentatious,
An easy commerce of the old and the new,
The common word exact without vulgarity,
The formal word precise but not pedantic,
The complete consort dancing together)
Every phrase and every sentence is an end and a beginning,
Every poem an epitaph. And any action
Is a step to the block, to the fire, down the sea’s throat
Or to an illegible stone: and that is where we start.
We die with the dying:
See, they depart, and we go with them.
We are born with the dead:
See, they return, and bring us with them.
The moment of the rose and the moment of the yew-tree
Are of equal duration. A people without history
Is not redeemed from time, for history is a pattern
Of timeless moments. So, while the light fails
On a winter’s afternoon, in a secluded chapel
History is now and England.

This is It

by James Broughton

This is It
and I am It
and You are It
and so is That
and He is It
and She is It
and It is It
and That is That
O It is Thus
and It is Them
and It is Us
and It is Now
and here It is
and here We are
so this is It.

Wedding Highlights

After my old host broke WordPress, I’m back with a new host and a clean install. Woot.

Last night was a sleepless one…there was some sort of police drama going on in our neighborhood, and a helicopter was flying around until about 1:30. Then Pete got home and said hello, which woke me up. Then his alarm went off and woke me up. And then Finn was hungry (at 4:30!) and woke me up. I’m not sure how much sleep I got last night, but it wasn’t a lot and I’m tired.  I need to reserve all coherent thinking for work, so I’ll tell you about Pinterest really quick.

The home decor bloggers I follow were all raving about this site where you could “pin” different images onto “bulletin boards.” It was invite only, but when I received my invite, I wasn’t in a hurry to do anything. And then I went on there and saw the quotes. And the quotes were typographic. For me, quotes + typography = love, so I was hooked. There’s lots of other cool stuff on there too for the DIY-ers and those interested in designing a cool house (which I now have boards for too), but the quotes were my gateway drug. So I’ll leave you with a few that I like.

Pinterest

Pinterest

Last weekend I was lucky enough to be able to stay in Miami for three full days. Why? My parents are cleaning out our Miami house, and I needed to pack up my stuff.

You would think that, at 28, this would have already been done. But I live in a 1000 sq foot townhome with 3 closets and another person (Pete) that also has stuff, so my old stuff hasn’t made it to Orlando yet. My wedding dress is actually still in Miami because I have no where to put it and I missed the preservation deadline.

When I told people I was going home to pack up my childhood room, they wondered what I would still have there to bring back. I’m not a hoarder or anything, but I am a memory keeper. When I got home on Tuesday with two plastic containers (one with things I had picked out to keep,  and another one to go through), I also had two boxes of notes and Letters from 1996-1997. I think that’s 7th grade. Peter asked me, “You’ve kept these since 1996? So even your 7th grade self thought they were important?” I didn’t really have an answer. All I know is that I through away one box of notes and regretted it, so I won’t be doing that again. Maybe it’s the writer in me, keeping all that “research” in case I ever decided to write a book. Maybe I need to see where I’ve been to see where I’m going. I have no idea.

My plastic bins contained “Little Treasures.” These are things I’ve had since I was a kid, like a Peter Pan tin that holds all of the foreign money my dad would give me when he’d receive it as payment at work. All of my poetry and creative writing from elementary school. My photography notebook. Fossils and shark’s teeth that I used to collect. My first pencil box (with the receipt!)–it cost $16.95 because it was pretty high tech at the time. A flag from my 15th birthday, when Jen, Cristin, and Carolina put it on the flag pole at a youth retreat to surprise me.

All little bits of memories that make up a life.

Did you know that I lettered in tennis at Palmetto? Me either! I completely forgot. I remember playing on the team, but my only real memory of it is riding on a bus to Naples and getting hit on by some boy’s team tennis player from Sunset High. When we got to Naples, I had to sleep in a room with two girls I didn’t know and they boy’s team busted out pot to smoke before the match. That’s when I decided that high school tennis just wasn’t for me. Not sure that I played again after that!

This is Dolly (creative name), my doll that I carried around when I was little. I have no idea where she came from or how I liked such an ugly doll, but I still love her. Please note the really old Keds shoebox–that’s filled with “nature items” like shark’s teeth, etc.

I was into family history even when I was little. My Grandma Kathleen took me to see my Uncle Bill and Aunt Helen. Uncle Bill is notorious in our family because I asked him to “show his teeth” for a photo, so he took his teeth out and put them in my sister’s hand. We had never seen dentures before, and it freaked us both out. Anyway, Uncle Bill had all sorts of things to give me when I visited with Grandma Kathleen, including this broach made of someone’s hair. When I found this at the bottom of a shoebox, I almost threw up. I don’t like random hair, let alone hair that’s over 100 years old. I think I shoved it in a drawer to bring back next time, because I know I have to keep it, but have no idea what to do with it.

These are on the top of my bookshelf. The two china dolls are from my Aunt Jan and my Nanny (great grandma). Not sure about the basket that looks like a dog. I made that “colonial house” as part of a third grade project, and my Nanny gave me the church. I think it used to light up at one point. The roses are from a guy that I liked in 7th grade. I have no idea why I still have them. The dolls, church, and dog basket will probably come  home with me next time.

Random shelf of stuff. I will probably take photos of the tennis trophies, keep that “no serve, no volley, no guts, no glory tennis ball, and the Gabriella Sabatini-signed tennis ball. I bought two of the “prayer bears” for Jennifer and I when we found out her mom had cancer, one to give to her to let her know I was thinking about her mom, and to remind myself to pray for her.

I think that Nanny gave me this little cat, and I always loved it. She broke once, but we were able to put her back together. Now that I think about it, she’s the same color as Tater was. I love her and she’ll come home with me next time. I’ve had the Mickey Mouse bank since I was a baby, and it will come home too. I think it still has money in it!

McDonald’s lunchbox filled with notes, friendship bracelets, and postcards. This one is from my parents. I don’t remember where they went, but they always sent me postcards when they were on vacation. I loved getting them–getting mail was one of my favorite things when I was little.

And last, but not least:

The Mix Tapes. Oh, teenage angst. I used to  LOVE making these. My mom’s van (yes, I started out as a van driver) only had a cassette player, and so I guess I spent a lot of time making these. They’re all labeled and the songs are all listed. I brought them back so that I can make playlists. We found a tape player that my mom still had, so Deryck and I listened to some of the songs. Oh 90′s music, how I miss you. I even found 3 of the first singles that I had ever bought, including “I Wish” by Skee-Lo. I still know most of the words . Hear its awesomeness in the video (made by South Miami High students–the real one has been banned by UMG) below.

On my cousin Roxane’s 21st birthday, we took her out to Pat O’Brien’s. There was lots of singing and the drinking of hurricanes. Poor Pete was stuck with buzzed versions me, my sister, and Roxy. And as I was singing along to some song, Jason called. It was around 11:30 at night, which to me says it was an emergency call. I ran outside to answer it, and we had the following conversation:

Jason (yelling over background noise): LINDSAY!

Me: Jason! What’s wrong?! Is everything ok?

Jason: I LOVE KATY!

(side note–Jason had started dating Katy not too long before this, I believe)

Me: You’re in love! Jason, that’s great!

Jason: I’M GOING TO MARRY HER!

Me: Wait–you’re going to marry her?? Isn’t this a little soon?

Jason: SHE’S THE ONE! I LOVE HER AND I’M GOING TO MARRY HER!

This statement wasn’t one to take lightly. Jason hadn’t dated many people since we met, and to call just to tell me that he would marry her made me pretty sure he would. Sure enough, they got married this weekend.

The bonus to the wedding is that Jason and I are friends from UCF’s Tennis Club. This means that Jason had one of my favorite groups of groomsman ever. I was actually a little jealous and wished I could have been a groomswoman .  I’ve known most of them since their freshman year and my sophomore year, and we’ve traveled all over together. The wedding this weekend made me remember how lucky I am to have had the college experience that I did. The shy, quiet girl who came to Orlando to go to UCF and was so afraid to go to the tennis courts alone the first time that she took her roommates with her the first time ended up finding herself on UCF’s tennis courts.  You forget that your friends in college are the ones you really grow up with, and I’m so grateful to be able to go to Jason and Katy’s wedding, see some of my favorite people, and laugh just as hard as we did in college.

In the end, these types of friends are the ones who keep you grounded. They remind you of who you were, once, and let you know that no matter what life throws at you, you’re still that same person. Except that you’ve lost enough of your shyness by now that you’re able to dance with them ridiculously at one of your closest friend’s weddings.

So I’m pretty much obsessed with all things pit bull right now. I read pit bull blogs, I read articles, I’m hopefully contributing to Stubby Dog, and I’m looking for somewhere to volunteer.  Giving up Joey was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but his awesomeness really made me fall in love with his breed.

One of the blogs I read is Love and a Six Foot Leash, where a DC-area couple fosters pitties (yes, there is a nickname for pit bulls out there!) and blogs about them while they try to find a good home. I read their blog for two reasons:

1. I’m jealous. I wish we could do the same thing. And have Joey back.
2. They are currently fostering the cutest dog ever.

Meet Gonzo Bunny Ears:

He’s a Boston Terrier mixed with a pit bull, and his ears are like that ALL THE TIME. He’s being fostered because he was found running around some neighborhood, and then taken to a shelter. They were able to find the owners, but then he was found running around again and taken to the shelter a second time. When the shelter contacted the owners again, the owners never came to get him. WHO COULD SAY NO TO THIS LITTLE FACE??

So if you’re in the DC area and looking for an adorable, smaller size pit bull, please contact the lovely folks over at Love and a Six Foot Leash. Or just go read about their adventures. Gonzo Bunny Ears just might be the next member of your family!

*Photos courtesy of Love and a Six Foot Leash

When your brain is very tired, you don’t want to write. And so you blog. Because at least that will jump start something more productive. Like a press release.

When your brain is very tired, you want to sleep. Anywhere will do at this point. Even if it is the top of a laundry basket. But you definitely want to get some kitty snuggles.

When your brain is very tired, you don’t want to keep answering the same question over and over. Like how to submit a request form for intranet postings. When you’ve shown that person again and again and again.

When your brain is very tired, you bless the girl with the blue hair who says “Good morning!” to you very enthusiastically over the intercom at Dunkin Donuts, and then gives you a large coffee (light and sweet) instead of a medium.

When your brain is very tired, the last thing that you want to do is go home and copy edit your freelance work. Even though you’re trying to break it up so that it’s manageable.

When your brain is very tired, you don’t want to come home to be locked out of your own house. For two hours. When you should be inside working on that freelance, which is not something you want to do anyway, but remember, you’re trying to keep it manageable!

When your brain is very tired, you break down because some certificates were printed wrong for the second time. It’s the ridiculous little mistakes that bother you.

When your brain is very tired, you decide that it’s time to take a break. In two weeks. If your boss approves. Because it’s time to go home and clean out your childhood room, and figure out where to shelve the memories. You want to see your fake brother, and your cousin, and your parents. You need to help your sister clean out her room over Skype. You need someone to go through all of the 7th grade notes with you and tell you that scanning them up is, in fact, crazy. You need the rest, the Best Subs, and Chicken Kitchen.

And so you tell your brain to WAKE UP because it’s time to get that press release done.

Today, I am 28.

Year 27 was not what I expected. To say that it was a difficult year for me is possibly an understatement.

You expect your life to go a certain way, and it usually doesn’t. And that’s fine–sometimes the unexpected is better, but sometimes it’s worse. And because of that, you have to learn to let go.

Pete and I spent more time in hospitals than I would have thought. In the middle of the year, we were told that he may need to be on dialysis soon and that we might have to have kids right away, only to find out that his doctor in Orlando was wrong about both things. It was an emotional roller coaster, since we’re not ready to have kids and dialysis would mean he was that much closer to a transplant, which he’s so young for. Thankfully we’re at Mayo Clinic now, and his kidneys have actually improved. Stupid Orlando doctor and his false alarms.

I learned that when I’m working crazy hours, I can’t expect myself to keep up 100% at home. That outsourcing is ok, and will probably be required for me when we have a kid. Sending our laundry out is probably one of the best things I’ve ever done, even though I feel guilty about it and never want to go back to doing all of it myself.

I learned that I have friends who still love me, despite my flaws and frequent disappearances this year. They waited for me, and I’m so grateful for that.

I loved Joey and lost him. He is with another family now, and hopefully we’ll see him in a few weeks. We saved his life, and in return, he saved mine. His new family said we can visit him any time, and I can’t wait to see him again. Even though Joe was a lot of work (who really wants to wake up at 5:30 and walk a dog when it’s 27 degrees outside?), he taught me a lot, and Pete and I owe him everything.

I learned that I need to be kinder to myself. I can’t be everywhere all the time. I can’t be perfect all the time. I’m allowed to say no without explanation. That you can still be homesick, even at 27.

I learned that I don’t like Facebook anymore! Who would have thought?! I left up my profile and shut down my wall. I needed to stop sharing myself in short increments and start  blogging again. I only go on there every few weeks, and when I do, it’s because I have to check on our work profile. I may be back, but I doubt it.

I learned how much Pete loves me. His grad school hell is actually his version of a love letter. It’s his commitment to our someday-kid and to me, and his promise that I won’t be a married-but-single-parent because he’s working 55+ hours at a restaurant somewhere. The journey has been tough, but we’re almost done.

I’m excited to see what year 28 holds. Hopefully a new job for Pete, grad school for me, fewer trips to Mayo (love you Leelee, but I’d rather see you for fun and not b/c of Mayo!), and maybe a real vacation!