Seeking Happiness

I want to get at the heart of what truly makes me happy, not simply what satisfies. My hope is that by understanding it I can increase it. I haven’t figured it all out yet, but the purpose of this post is to convey what I’ve learned thus far and gain more insight through discussion.

Why is she so happy?

Recently a friend of mine would update her status on Facebook nearly every day in words that expressed excitement and appreciation for life. It peaked my interest. My first instinct was to write it off as lunacy or purposeful denial of reality. I felt fairly confident that I knew enough about her life’s circumstances to judge that there was certainly nothing of extraordinary awesomeness happening; at least, nothing to warrant such jubilation. Still, the simple question “why?” kept nagging me.
As I chewed the cud of that matter, another friend wrote something that hit me like a ton of bricks:

“[There's] a line from Say Anything when John Cusack asks his sister why she can’t just decide to be happy and then be happy. That line has always stuck with me because many times (not all) that’s all we need to do, just decide that this is the way things are going to be and once you accept that as a fact instead of an option things get that much simpler.”
- Andy Whitlock

Something clicked in my head, and I finally understood: happiness is not a gift – it’s a decision.

"happiness is not a gift - it’s a decision."

What I’ve Learned So Far

Deciding to be happy is more than having a wistful and fleeing flirtation with the concept in your mind and then going about your business. It is determining that you actually want to be happy and then resolving that you will do what it takes to get there. Just like any other journey, the trip will be shorter if you plan ahead and know your route.

The first thing to do is find what makes you happy. The trick is to not get hung up on the externalities, that which you have no control over. Instead, focus on that which you DO that makes you happy. Does reading a good book make you happy? What exactly about it makes you happy?  Is it the learning? Is it the accomplishment of finishing something? Give this some serious thought and you’ll start to find common threads. These are your principals of happiness.

The next logical step is to do the things that make you happy. If you find that helping others fix their problems really brings you joy than look for ways to do that. Your happiness will increase exponentially the more you do those things.

The steps to happiness

Why Everyone’s Not Doing It

There are two things which I’ve noticed humans consistently try to avoid: work and sacrifice. I will let you know right now that doing this takes work. You will face discouragement and the constant temptation to take the easy way out and resume passivity. Don’t give in. It is a deceptive and destructive lie that anyone got anywhere or achieved anything without work.

The thing about growth is that it’s synonymous with change. True change rarely comes without sacrifice. You will have to give up certain habits to be happy. You will have to make decisions between doing something you know will bring happiness, and something you’re accustomed to. Realize now that the sacrifice is worth it.

Relationship between growth and happiness

So, what is it that makes you happy?
Are you going to do it?

My blackout period

A few weeks ago I notified everyone I knew that I would be unavailable for an hour. I turned off my cell phone, twitter, instant messenger, email, and any other thing that would distract me from my purpose. In that hour I accomplished an unbelievable amount of work. My purpose now is to make a case for you to do the same.

Why do distractions hurt?

The fact is that we live in an increasingly noisy world. More information is whizzing through the air now than at any other time in the history of the world. This is a good thing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with cell phones or email; they are amazingly useful tools. The problem lies in our misapplication and horrendous timing.

A friend of mine recently recounted how their uncle was busy tweeting at his own father’s funeral. It’s easy to see the absurdity of it, but how many of us have let a phone call interrupt homework? How many of us have texted a friend during a meeting? How many of us have put off any number of important things for the demanding immediacy of something or somebody else, which was really less important?

The truth of the matter is that much of the time this perceived immediacy is patently false. And truthfully, that doesn’t even matter because immediacy does not equal importance, and importance is greater than immediacy.

Realtionship between what we feel is important and what is immediate.

What do you really want?

If your goal in life is the be the world’s fastest email answerer then by all means please keep that account open and set up sms notifications to your heart’s content! And if your one true desire is to be the ultimate TV watcher, then for heaven’s sake don’t let your family or work get in the way of your inexhaustible backlog of Tivo-ed Law & Order. If, however, you can see that your true goals don’t line up with your behavior, then it’s time to block those things out of your life. So take a minute and think about what you really want to do or make or accomplish.

A realistic proposal

Here’s the thing: we live in real life, where as a rule, people don’t operate like machines. We all need time to relax and wind down. The real problem exists in trying to fit our relaxation and our work into the same period of time. It just isn’t going to happen.

My suggestion: plan blocks of time to cut out your distractions and work on your goal. I call these blackout periods.

How Blackouts Work

Coincidentally I’m not the only one saying this. Merlin Mann has been discussing this idea and his insights are apt to say the least. I could not summon words powerful enough to express my extreme desire for everyone reading this to go to 43 Folders and hear what he has to say.

In the end your distractions may be completely different from me. The technological geekery that I revel in may be completely repulsive to you. I still would wager you have your own distractions. Figure it out and take my challenge to dedicate time away from them. It will change your life as it has mine.

What are your distractions?
Are you going to take me up on the challenge?
I’d love to hear any experiences that come from this.

Everyone has beaten the term “out of the box” to a bloody pulp from artists to productivity gurus. Sadly, for most of those I respect and consult often I can see their brain turn off when they hear me say it. However, despite it’s cliché and disappointing triteness, the abstract concept associated with it is priceless and of extreme importance.

In order to understand and apply the concept two things must be addressed:

The Two Steps

1.    Where are the walls of your box?
2.    What can you do to get out of it?

How big is your box?

The invisible, but nonetheless very real limitations we put on ourselves are varying and individual.  I could write a tremendous amount on how to determine where your comfort zone is, but for the sake of brevity and actually accomplishing something I will try to distill it into a simple act.

Take a moment and think about all of those things you’ve always wanted or meant to do, but haven’t. Identify a few of the reasons you have not done these. It shouldn’t take much time to find some patterns. Perhaps it’s fear of rejection, perhaps it’s laziness (my vice of choice), but whatever it is, this is essentially your self-imposed line in the sand, this is your box.

What is your box?

Obviously there are purposeful and important demarcations for things you simply wont do. I have a line drawn at murdering someone. I wouldn’t suggest crossing it. Therefore, the next step is to divide the good lines from the bad ones. Only you can decide this. The best advice I can give you here is to use your conscience.

Now that you know where the walls to your box are and which ones should be breached it’s time to do something about it.

The Box Cutter

Getting out of the box should be seen not as a snap judgment to do something out of the ordinary. This leads to things like extreme itching, rashes, and horrible headaches (not to mention regret).  Instead tackle this like you would any other goal. Plan out the ways you will get over your fear. If possible, break it down into daily activity. There’s no substitute for the daily accomplishing of a task in order to complete a given objective.

I’ve said it before and will most likely say it again: make yourself accountable. Let trusted friends and, if needed, even the denizens of the Interweb know what your plans are and that they can hold you to your word. This will improve your ability to accomplish your goals.

GO DO IT.

An Example

A few years ago I realized I had put myself into a box of taking too much comfort in routine. I saw that this stifled my creative ability and generally made me boring. My weeks passed with nothing to show for all that time. Determining that the cause of this was laziness, I resolved to spend one week extending and overextending myself. It was my first week in the notorious B.H.A.G. experiment, and I saw it as an opportunity to get back to really living life.

What I did was take the whole week and cram every hour with doing something. I planned things that would purposely add to the emotional intensity of my life; staying out late with friends, going to the beach, attending several concerts, sharing my favorite movies with friends, exercising, doing my best at work, reading and studying, taking more photographs, writing, and more.

Crazy Week

The result was that I had one of the best weeks of my life. I was able to write at least ten songs at that time and built strong relationships with others that have paid off again and again. I also experienced extreme discomfort in the form of things like sunburn, an empty stomach, and rejection from the opposite sex.

All in all I learned more in that week than I had for most of the previous year. The point of all this is that we should all be having these experiences more often. Each of us is going to die. Let’s do some stuff before then, okay?

Let me know what you plan on doing to get out of your box.
What are you major hurdles?
Have you experienced this in your life?
Give me some feedback.

The modern world is all about the bottom line, and it becomes all too easy to lose touch with the value of people.  Whether it’s apathy, or fear of appearances that keeps us from expressing our appreciation, the cure is the same:

The Cure

Saying Something Nice

There’s a common axiom used in regards to interpersonal relationship: “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” The trouble with this course of thought is that saying nothing at all has little positive benefit. Some folks would never utter a syllable. I suggest an improvement to this line of reasoning, which is, “find something nice to say.”

What to do if you can't say something nice.

Old habits die hard. It’s all too enticing to criticize or tear down. In order to redirect our natural inclinations we must find a diversion of that energy. The stream of our desires cannot be dammed for long. It will eventually overflow. However, the course can be redirected to serve a better purpose. With this concept in mind, let’s examine what I have found to be one of the most profound and easily executed means to express our appreciation.

Write A Note

There’s no special method for this, but here is what I do: I always carry a pen and index cards. This helps to remind me that I should be looking for things to thank people for. If a colleague at work gives a presentation, write them a thank-you note telling them what they did well. If a friend gives you a ride, then write a thank-you note.

What I have noticed is that as I write these notes I find myself experiencing appreciation for people without them really having to do some thankworthy feat. Writing notes of appreciation, which express the qualities I admire in others, helps me to refine an ever-growing list of characteristics I want to build. And perhaps selfishly yet most definitely, it builds relationships and makes others far more willing to help when I need it.

Take the challenge and start writing thank you notes.  I’d love to hear about your experiences and insights so leave them in the comments.

Press it, you know you want to!

Over time my archived unread count became increasingly bloated and thus increasingly intimidating. Which of Merlin Mann’s five posts about creativity should I read so I can finally get the inspiration to do something? Which friend’s flickr uploads are going to prove the most interesting? How will I avoid the inevitable awkwardness of complimenting Paul on his latest pics while failing to even notice Andy’s? The stress was insurmountable; anxiety is the last thing I need to be getting from the Internet. If I wanted to feel like that I’d play an MMO. At least then I could revel in my pretended magic abilities.

The solution to my problem was simple and scary: delete.

The reasonable side of myself concludes that I haven’t read any of this stuff and still, the world has gone on turning and I’ve still managed to have a great time. Subtracting, of course, the nagging feeling that I have to meet this wholly voluntary obligation for which I will be accountable to no one.

In opposition there is the sense that I am missing out on something good. However if examined, this thought process has little foundation. For instance, consider the tremendous amount of knowledge being transferred through the air and between electronic miracle machines via mystically named fiber-optic cable. Every day, every person, every second misses an incomprehensible amount of information; from Hawking to Uncle Hal.

I am thoroughly convinced that the work put into gathering information should be equal to, if not lesser than, the energy used in actually using that information. The essential root of it all is in the application. If Einstein never published his theories then nobody would know who he is.

Essentially, the key is to realize what is good information and what is bad information. Take in the good, ignore the bad, and then turn around and do something with all that quality stuff you learned.  In reality though, developing the talent of sorting good from bad information takes time, and so the ability to start fresh, cleaning out your inbox, your to-do list, or whatever is a great blessing.

All this is why today I deleted all my unread RSS Subscriptions. It was liberating and I was able to take a step in the direction of actually accomplishing something (this blog post for instance).

So where is the backed up stockpile in your life? Are you going to delete it?

Unraveling Baseball

Clear Vision

Where there is no clear vision of a desired result it becomes impossible to exercise the willpower and determination essential to achieve. A lens out of focus does not lend itself to capturing a subject. Half the battle is to clearly define your goal. Do not focus on immeasurable vagaries like, “becoming happy.” Instead, focus on what you want to do or accomplish. Make the end result measurable not just by you, but also by even a child. The process will be confusing and difficult enough, so start on the right foot.

Simplicity

My profound overuse of commas is a likely indicator that, like a vast number of writers, I have a propensity to overcomplicate.  I am also guessing that anyone reading this most likely discovered my post via some social networking site, and thus, shares my predisposition.

The one nugget of advice I can offer is to set goals that you know you can handle, but which (for some reason) you haven’t yet accomplished. Nobody’s ever going to sponsor your expedition to the top of Everest with all that credit card debt. Simplicity in goal setting makes success a greater reality, and thus fuels your ability to tackle the bigger challenges.

Avoiding Burnout

It can be insurmountably depressing to toil in vain. Yet all too often our approach keeps us confined like hamsters in a wheel: working and getting nowhere. In order to avoid this you must first eliminate anything that is not under your control. Focus on what you can actually influence. Instead of making a goal to be healthy, which could be adversely effected by any number of outside forces, it would make more sense to concentrate on calorie intake, which you have direct control over.

In addition, give yourself the whole year to achieve the goal. If your objective is to get to a target weight, then break that resolution down into meta goals until you get to the point of daily tasks. Daily habits will affect the year’s outcome more than token spurts.

Accountability

Quite often I lull myself into vapid security because I’m the only one aware that I failed. We instinctively care what others think and often this is a powerful motivation. However, the true value of accountability is that an outside observer who is aware of our goal can offer invaluable insight and encouragement. It’s the same old “two heads are better than one” principle.  Find a respected friend, preferably one also looking for help with their goals so that at least one of you will follow through.

Physical Reminders

Among certain Jews a special article of clothing is worn called Phylacteries. Boxes kept in place by leather cords are hardly a modern norm. The source of this tradition is the following passage of the bible:

And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.

And thou shalt bind them for a sign upon thine hand, and they shall be as frontlets between thine eyes.

And thou shalt write them upon the posts of thy house, and on thy gates.
(Deuteronomy 6:7-9)

The phylacteries are an outward, physical reminder of an inward spiritual dedication. Chances that you’ll see somebody wearing them at the state pork festival would be slim. The physical reminder enforces a previous choice.

Jews in traditional clothing

Far from suggesting an alteration of clothing or intense accessorizing, I recommend placing reminders in the places you most often find yourself. It could be the bathroom mirror, your desktop, your door, or your cell phone; whatever works. Since thoughts are the seeds of action, a perpetual reminder is an easy and effective device.

This is no productivity sham-wow!

There is no  one program or method that is correct. Remember that the object of this reflection has been to cover the commonalities in my failed attempts. Fix-all systems are empty promises. That is why I’d like to hear what works for you. Let’s discuss what your goals for the upcoming year are and how you plan to realize them. I will do the same.

When we build our bridges on false hopes disappointment is guaranteed.

The other day a large group of friends and I went to see a movie. Afterward we were figuring out our plans for the rest of the night. One of our chums who wasn’t there had sent a text message asking us to please organize something and tell her because she “wanted to hang out with everyone.” To this my good pal Joe rebutted, “if she wanted to hang out she would’ve been here.” Some may jump on this comment, writing it off as nothing more than an oversimplification, but an examination of what Joe said provided a profound epiphany: actions speak louder than words.

People essentially do what they want. Desires are the seeds of action, therefore we make our choices based on incentives that, whether in reality or not, offer what we desire. If our friend, for instance, had really wanted to be with us more than anything else she would have modified her plans.

This idea affects all interpersonal relationships. For a great read on how it intersects in the dating world I suggest The Brad Pitt Rule by Brett and Kate McKay over at The Art of Manliness. In essence, if you ask someone on a date and they make an excuse without offering an alternative then obviously they don’t want to go, or at least not bad enough to work for it. Do you really want to go on a date with someone like that? Move on! The concept fits in with family relationships, work relationships etc.

However useful it is to take people for their actions instead of their words, caution must be used. This principal should not give room for extreme cynicism and finger pointing and accusations of hypocrisy. Don’t invest any emotional stock in a vain hope; however don’t go on expecting disappointment at every turn. The healthy route is to have realistic expectations of others and work from there.

The most practical use of this idea can be found in how we deal with our assumptions. For instance, your roommate always promises to take out the trash, yet seldom does. Do you really have a right to be angry at him for not following through when he doesn’t for the millionth time? Instead just take the trash out yourself, or become comfortable with the fact that it’s not going to be done. Worry less about making others change and focus on what you can do.

A Zipo lighter uses the friction of flint to create sparks which ignite lighter fluid.

Today’s lunch break was when I had my epiphany. I decided I needed something at least marginally healthy to make up for this week’s dietary disaster. Therefore, I made my way to the Jack-In-The-Box on the corner for a salad.

Pulling in, I quickly became discouraged as I beheld the ten-car line waiting in the drive-through. I parked my car and made a trip inside. The line was just as long indoors as out, except instead of cars it was now made up of what appeared to be completely degenerate pre-human hominids wearing mostly flannel and denim.

Finally it was my turn to order. I ordered my salad, paid my dues, and got my number. I was a full 15 orders behind the last that was called out. Disconcerting. At least that is, until my number was called after only a minimal wait.

Here’s what I realized: salads are pre-made.

Some poor minimum-wage-earning kid makes several in the morning so they’re ready to go. All it took the worker was a simple opening of a fridge door and my salad was DONE. I can not express in word nor song the glorious jubilance that filled my soul. Not only was I eating healthier, but I was effectively trimming half an hour off my wait time.

This got me thinking: are there other times when I take two negatives and somehow the combination of the twain becomes a positive? In life we tend to view external forces as a hindrance, yet like friction between two objects creating fire, sometimes these annoyances can actually create a useful tool.

I’d love to hear some feedback on circumstances in your life that have forced you to make unusual decisions but which turned to your benefit.