You Suck at Kijiji

Kijiji Suck 528: Do a foot model's used socks count as used underwear?

2012-02-24T22:08:00.000-05:00

Thanks to @ottawastart on Twitter for finding this ad, which raises two questions: are a foot model's used socks as fetishistic as a regular woman's used panties, and the obvious follow-up, what kind of person confuses Kijiji for an auction site?

Used Socks
Price Please contact
Address Ottawa, ON K1R 6T5, Canada

I Do Some Foot Modeling And I Keep Being Told My Feet Are Amazing, So I'm Auctioning Off Some Of My Used Socks. I Have 2 Pairs Of Black Ankle Socks And 1 Pair Of White Ankle Socks. I'm Also Taking Requests, Please Feel Free To Email Me. Socks Will Be Sold To The Highest Bidder. Auction Will Close March 1st.
Xoxoxox
Check Out My Page,
http://www.ottawagirlsfeet.com/models/mia.html

Kijiji Suck 527: My cockatiel is a jerk, so I want another

2012-02-23T16:20:00.000-05:00

Wanted: male cockatiel
Address Smith, AB T0G 2B0, Canada

Hello i just got a 4 year old cockatiel, i gave him a biggger cage since the cage he was in was so tiny he could barley move. He was fine but now hes hissing and lunging at me. Ive had him about a week. He was never handled before and i really want him as a companion. What should i do and how do i do it... Is there hope for us or should i let him go to a more suitable home. I know patience is key but ive never had a under soicalized bird before. Any help would be appricated.

Kijiji Suck 526: Grad date wanted in Winnipeg

2012-02-22T10:50:00.000-05:00

Hey, are you a tall guy who loves to booze it up with girls who are not of legal drinking age? Want to pimp yourself out to an unpopular teen girl? Are you unfortunate enough to live in Winterpeg? Hot damn, dude, we have a job for you through Kijiji Winnipeg. Kids on Twitter seem to love this ad!

GRAD DATE NEEDED
Job Type Temporary

hello there i will be graduating this coming june and i need a grad date ASAP!!
if you possess the following qualities please email me

6 feet or taller male
photogenic
can hold a conversation with strangers
willing to buy a corsage and match my dress colour
fun to party with and loves to drink

email me for more details
i will be paying $15/hr *drinks included
interviews will be held in a couple weeks
thanks and im looking forward to meeting with you all :) and hopefully meeting my new grad date!

Ceara

Insipired by the snowblower ad: A SNOWBLOWER AD!

2012-02-21T12:36:00.001-05:00

A fella by the name of BuyMySnowblower submits an article for entry into the Kijiji Swag Giveaway Contest (ENTER NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!) featuring his short-lived homage to Weh Ming Cho's legendary snowblower ad, with a side order of Picnicface's classic Powerthirst ad. Enjoy.

He writes:

Dig your site and dig the Moncton snowblower guy.

Yesterday, I posted my own Moncton snowerblower ad, but it only lasted a few hours on Kijiji before being sold.

The good news is you can still watch the Monster-Truck-Style commercial I created for it:

My Ad was a copy of the script, which also appears in the Description of the video.

Not sure if you can do anything with this, it was a Kijiji ad for a morning, now its just another video on YouTube.

I thought it was amusing, so did they guy who bought it.

Kijiji Suck 525: Need a liar to give me a lie detector test

2012-02-17T12:00:00.000-05:00

Wanted: Need a middle aged guy to lie for me...
Price $200.00

Title seems bad, But it's not. I need someone to come to my house, and pretend to give me a lie detector test. I'll explain more It's not as bad as it sounds. If you want to make a quick 200 or 250 bucks e-mail me.

Kijiji Suck 524: The off-brand cheezies bag is half-full...or half-empty

2012-02-16T12:40:00.000-05:00

From the appropriately-named Innisfail, Alberta, we have some slightly used food.

FOUND half bag of NO NAME cheezies / half can of NO NAME Cola
Address Innisfail, AB, Canada

Half eaten bag of no name cheezies and half dranken can of cola, in the basement at 4533 60th .. If you believe these items are yours, please contact me and come verify these items, I have confinscated them from the man under the stairs. I apologize he suffers from histeria due to sensory overload.. He destroyed the pictures. There is now a pandemic happening with im my home.. Thanks ladie whom ever you are. I have been banned frm no frills, and he is cnostantly home in cop cars...

Kijiji Suck 523: The Sasquatch Jetta: Yet another extra-hype car ad

2012-02-15T12:54:00.000-05:00

Me, I'm sick of these over-the-top car ads. The first "manly car" with the free MC Hammer pants was funny three years ago, but I'm personally full to the brim with long-copy hyperbole. However, the Twitterverse is not, and is presently all aflutter about this ad for a bigfoot-ready Volkswagen Jetta. For your amusement.

1998 Volkswagen Jetta 2.0L Wolfsburg Edition, Sasquatch-Ready
Price $2,500.00
Address Calgary, AB T2T 6G9, Canada

When you’ve got 800 pounds of angry Sasquatch closing in on you, you want a car that’ll do the walk of life. This is that car.

Picture it. You’re strolling though the winter woods on a crisp afternoon. The sun’s getting low, so you decide to call it a day and start making your way back down the trail. As you round the last corner, you see it: two baby Sasquatches wrestling in the snow. They don’t notice you right away, so you reach for your camera to snap the pictures that’ll make you famous. But the flash is on auto, and when you push the shutter a blinding strobe lights up the dusk like a Berlin disco. The cute little Sasquatches let out a hellish scream that jars their 9-foot-4-inch mother from her stinky nap.

There’s no time to wonder how you didn’t notice the 800-pound ape-like cryptid snoozing a few feet away from her babies. Things just got real.

You bolt past the juveniles and down the trail, fumbling for your keys as you spy your ’98 Jetta Wolfsburg at the trailhead a few hundred yards away. That’s a slick looking car, you think as you run for your life. But Mom Sasquatch is hot on your heels, and this isn’t the time to fawn.

You de-activate the alarm with your remote, and the key slides into the door lock like a hot knife through tofu. You’re in. As you turn the ignition, the brand new starter engages and the 2.0L engine roars to life. It has a block heater, but you never use it, even when it’s -30. You think an amped-up Sasquatch is gonna wait while you unplug? Please.

It’s times like this that make you glad you bought a car with a 5-speed transmission. The new clutch is butter smooth, and as it engages into reverse, the new winter tires grip like a drunk aunt at a wedding dance.

You’ve never really appreciated the K&N air filter under the hood. Until now. Those few extra horsepower are about to come in handy. And it’s a good thing too. How many times have you seen a Sasquatch attack survivor telling their story on the news? That’s right, none - Sasquatches don’t play.

As the car accelerates backwards, the enraged Sasquatch takes a swipe at the hood. Her fingernails look like curly fries, and she’s about to serve them hot.

You crank the wheel hard to the left, swinging the hood around to evade her reach as you shift out of reverse and into first in one smooth motion, feathering the clutch as you push the accelerator to the floor, launching the car forward.

Why do they call it the Wolfsburg Edition? Because it runs like a wolf, and that’s exactly what you need right now. There’s 200,000 km on the odometer, but that’s nothing for das auto, and these engines are known for being bulletproof. Sasquatch proof? This isn’t the time to find out.

You rev the RPMs high before shifting into second gear. The new water pump does its job like the mob, keeping the engine cool as you leave the snorting Sasquatch in a cloud of snow and progress through the gears, racing off into the night while thanking your lucky stars you bought this Jetta when you had the chance.

If only you hadn’t dropped your camera.

• 200,000 km (low for the year)
• Black on black with tinted windows
• New clutch, new starter, new water pump
• Comes with 4 winter tires and 4 all-seasons on 2 sets of rims
• Alarm system
• Power sunroof
• Air conditioning
• Includes an FM transmitter so you can play Stayin’ Alive on your iPod
• Sasquatch-ready with a few minor battle scars
• $2,500 obo

Kijiji Suck 522: Jobless and illiterate? Hire the RESUME CONSTRUCTER

2012-02-15T11:30:00.000-05:00

Grab your yellow highlighter and get to work on this ad spotted by @EoinCasey1.

RESUME CONSTRUCTER!
Address Brampton, ON L6P 1H2, Canada
View map

Do you feel that your resume does not get you the job you are looking for?

Are you new to Canada and don't know where to start?

Are you looking to write up a new resume but just don't know how?

Are you looking for a way to make a resume that stands out and is neat?

Well then I could help!

IF YOU NEED HELP OR NEED TO CONSTRUCT A NEW RESUME JUST SIMPLY REPLY TO THIS AD FOR MORE DETAILS

I WILL DO YOUR WHOLE RESUME FOR YOU!

RESUMES WILL COST 10$ AND WILL GET YOU A JOB!

I was really hoping this person had other ads posted for essay writing, copy editing and perhaps tattoos, but no such luck.

Kijiji Suck 521: Bullet holes don't make laptop go faster

2012-02-13T14:05:00.000-05:00

Just saw Twitter user @manginho post a screencap of this strange ad from Kijiji Guelph: A man who supposedly shot his daughter's computer. I'm puzzled to say the least.

Wanted: Wanted: Laptop with no bullet holes
Price Free
Address Guelph, ON N1H 6R7, Canada

I recently shot my daughter's laptop and I told her I was gonna look for another one to replace it. REALLY HANNAH? REALLY? You thought I was gonna look for another laptop!!! I'm still waiting for my $130 on software and $6 for bullets you wasted! BTW "the cleaning lady"is really your mom. I bet you didn't see that one coming.

cheers,

your crazy dad.

Kijiji phishing fraud to watch out for: "Session Expired"

2012-02-13T12:07:00.000-05:00

Some Kijiji users complain of getting lot of scam email -- the ubiquitous wire fraud, overseas shipping, generic phishing mail and such. I very rarely get any. That is, I can't remember the last time I received any.

But this week I was sent an email that was obvious to me as a phishing attempt, though some inexperienced surfers may not be so alert. I figured I'd post it here for reference. Here's the email:

Some signs that this is a scam:

- The FROM: Email is "update@kittymail.com" -- if the address even exists, it's at a free web-based email service, not from Kijiji
- The TO: line has a bunch of email addresses. If Kijiji sent you a mass message, you would not be seeing the addresses of other people.

- The SUBJECT: line doesn't make sense -- session expired? Update my account? Designed to confuse the recipient

- The warning is in broken English: "Due to the massive fraud that we are facing in the last months,we advice you to update your account for a better collaboration" ... What massive fraud? The last months? No space after the comma? We "advice" you? For a better collaboration? Really bad English.
- The link goes to http://kililiupdtaccnt.hostzi.com/Uptdate_kilili.html -- what the hell is that? Kilili? Who on earth is hostzi? UPTDATE?
- I'm sure I could dig more evidence from the email headers, but we've already made it obvious that this is bogus

Just ignore it. Don't reply, and certainly don't click the link.

The text:

Canada
Over 3,797,199 Free Local Classifieds

Due to the massive fraud that we are facing in the last months,we advice you to update your account for a better collaboration

In order to verify your account please click on the link below.

Verify and Update your account here

Thanks for your cooperation.

Copyright © 2005-2011 Kijiji International Limited

Kijiji Suck 520: How did you get into college? FACEPALM

2012-02-13T11:20:00.000-05:00

looking for WORK
Address Halifax, NS, Canada
Job Type Part-Time

reason why im looking for a job is cause, im nineteen years old, moving out on my own with my boyfriend. he has a full time job. i go to school,
nscc , taken the ALP ..
ive been looking and looking for a job but have not been able to find one at all,

i could work anytime from 100 pm- 10 pm?.
cause of my school and what not.
im intrested in,
babysitting, cleaning, working with fast food.
and whatever else works.

And... and there's more, if you can handle it.

Wanted: female looking for free clothing?

hi, my name is kayla. i am nineteen years old.
i was just wondering, if any of you had any free clothing.
pants, sweat pants, yoga clothing. pretty much anything.

even shoes.

my sizes are.

shoes-6
any type of pants- s-m, size 4ish.
tops-s-m

free female stuff.

my name is kayla, im 19 yearsold.
imjustchecking arounf for free female stuff, like clothing, shoes, boots, and so and and so on, i am failry slim. i would fit small-medium, clothing, shoes and what not would be a six.

thanks.

Yes, she's begging for free clothes, but .... she has a Blackberry!

looking for someone to trade me there telus blackberry curve,

i have a blackberry curve 9300 3g.
its threw virgin mobile it works perfect, if u had a virgin mobile sim card then your good to go.

im looking for someone to trade me threre blackberry curve for, my blackberry.
but it would have to be threw telus.
thanks.

Dead Celebrity Special: Whitney Houston record, only $100 on Kijiji

2012-02-11T20:46:00.000-05:00

If you haven't heard yet, singer Whitney Houston died today.

But before she did, some clever Albertan was already trying to cash in on her long-ago success with an ad for what is alleged to be a very rare record!

Text (caps are original):

WHITNEY HOUSTON PROMO RECORD 12in VERY RARE *CIRCA 1998* pst.51
Date Listed 17-Jan-12
Price $100.00
Address Edmonton, AB, Canada

* VERY RARE WHITNEY HOUSTON DJ- PROMO RECORD * 12 inch.* CIRCA 1998 * " ARISTA RECORDS * " I LEARNED FROM THE BEST "..HQ2 mixes * EXCELLENT CONDITION * C/W INSERT & JACKET * VERY RARE BECAUSE..ONLY SELECT DJ's WERE GIVEN THESE FOR MARKET EVALUATION * 2 SONGS ON 1 SIDE ONLY..THE OTHER SIDE IS BLANK * SEE PHOTOS * NOT FOR IN STORE SALES..ONLY CAN BE SOLD PRIVATELY * MILLIONS OF NORMAL RECORDS WERE MADE..ONLY A FEW HUNDRED OF THESE WERE MADE * $100.00..o.b.o. * VISIT MY OTHER POSTINGS..100+ * WATCH FOR MY 450+LISTINGS AS THEY ARE POSTED * IF YOU ARE ONLY VIEWING THE POSTS...YOU ARE MISSING 99 % OF THE PIECES * WESTEND LOCATION * EMAIL FOR ADDRESS * VIEWING BY APPOINTMENT ONLY * ADDITIONAL PHOTOS ARE UP-COMING POSTS * THX. FOR VIEWING..

Kijiji Suck 519: The adorable tale of Cornelius the Bearded Dragon

2012-02-10T13:14:00.000-05:00

The Tale of Cornelius the Bearded Dragon
Price $50.00
Offered By Owner

The Tale of Cornelius the Bearded Dragon

Once upon a time there was a magical Bearded Dragon named Cornelius.

Okay, he wasn't really magical, but he did have really groovy spines.

Cornelius spent his days perched majestically on a stick in his warm enclosure, thinking of nothing much in particular. Every 3 days or so the dragon enjoyed a speedy romp around in the sand as he captured crunchy crickets. Secretly Cornelius pretended they were knights and smiled with deep satisfaction as his sticky tongue pulled his victims into his gaping mouth.

Bearded dragons cannot smile as such, so this part is merely speculation on the part of the writer.

But what Cornelius enjoyed most was his care provided by a young Prince from beyond Cornelius' enclosure. Oh how he loved the grapes and kale the Prince would bring him. And imagine his delight in the live food the Price gifted every few days. But most of all, Cornelius loved his warm baths followed by a special cuddle with the kind young Prince.

Sadly the baths and cuddles became further between and Cornelius grew sadder and sadder. The Prince became more and more forgetful as the days passed. And both Price and Dragon were disheartened.

One day, just as Cornelius passed his third birthday, the Queen gathered the royal family for a meeting. For many moons the Queen had watched the Prince forget to care for Cornelius far too many times. She had equally reminded her young Prince daily to continue his care for the Cornelius. The Queen, once a beautiful young mother, developed lines of sadness and grey hairs of impatience. For the queen was kind at heart and yearned to see a better life for Cornelius.

So as the sun set on the castle the wise Queen made a regal proclamation: "The Dragon must leave this land for another."

So this is where you can write the ending for the story of Cornelius the Dragon. We do want it to be a happy ending, so please, only those who are brave and kind at heart, who possess the patience, skill and responsibility to care for a Dragon, are asked to continue the story and take Cornelius into their lives.

Big thanks to Rhonda for this beautiful tale.

Kijiji Suck 518: Chuck Norris cat will not piss on your couch

2012-02-09T12:25:00.000-05:00

Weird Chuck Norris-like Cat Seeks Severely Awesome Human
Address SWANSEA POINT, BC V0E 2K2, Canada
Offered By Owner

They call me Clement, and I am the Chuck Norris of cats. I’m looking for some new digs because my dickhead humans are in a bad spot and have to sell their house and move somewhere I can’t come. Sucks to be them! (Their loss.)

Friends, let me tell you something about myself: I am amazing.

I’m a totally ideal roomie for somebody (or a group of people) who demand quality. Why is that? Well, because I AM QUALITY. Quality is my middle name. Clement “Quality” Catface. Seriously. Just look at the photo, and try and trick yourself into thinking otherwise.

I’m an adaptable kind of guy, and would be an amazing buddy for a (severely awesome) senior who wants to get their snuggle on while they knit, or a (severely awesome) young couple who wants a cat to laugh at while they are wasted and laughing at everything anyways. I’m great with kids though I don’t look very good in doll clothes so let’s not go there.

(Chuck Norris always said… "those who dress a cat in doll clothes deserve whatever they have coming to them." Which may or may not be a karate chop to the jugular.)

(No really. He said that.)

Here are some things I have done, or “Why I am Practically Chuck Norris”:

• highway driving through the mountains on top of a block heater of a truck (AND all my fur grew back! Crazy! I can’t believe how awesome I am!)
• Outdoor winter survival
• Fights with other cats/raccoons/coyotes
• The SPCA (did you know they euthanize most of us? Thankfully, I was mistakenly identified by some dumb lady as her cat, when I wasn’t even her cat. So she took me back to her place. What an idiot.)
• I live on a steady diet of CAT FOOD. Could you survive on this sh*t? I think not.

So now you know that, like I said, I am practically Chuck Norris. Here are some other things that make me better than all the pathetic excuses for cats who you may mistakenly think are worth feeding every day:

• bad*ss scarred and frostbitten ears
• STRIPEY MADNESS. I have like 10x the stripe power of most cats. So many stripes. Like a million of ‘em.
• I am stupidly healthy.
• I don’t want to be too direct here, but just so you know, I have a triple black belt in snuggle. You want a lap warmer while you watch Seinfeld? Done. You feel like petting some cat face while on Facebook? Cool. You want something purring to sleep beside your feet and keep ‘em warm at night? I’m on it. I've got you covered, no worries here.
• This should go without saying, but I use my cat box reliably. Kind of a given, right? (and on that note- super artistic! I make sculptures in Stephen Harper’s likeness in my litter box.)
• I eat my own puke so you don’t have to clean it up. And I have never had a hairball. Speaking of disgusting, I also catch and eat things that you don’t want living in your house. Gross, right? But also kind of awesome and great?
• Excellent conversationalist. I am a very vocal fellow, not shy about my opinions. And my voice is LOUD.
• I’m versatile, in that I can rule at being inside AND outside. SEE: section one, “I Am Practically Chuck Norris”
• I will annihilate any other cats AND any dogs you have, so if you want to kill the pets you already have, I’m totally your feline right here.
• I am insanely neutered. That’s right. Some a*s-hat chopped my balls off, and now I don’t even want to piss on any furniture anymore. It sucks. I also have my vaccinations, which were fine because I was too busy making googley eyes at the vet to notice. She was scratching my butt and it was awesome.
• I AM NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING. Except for you not loving me. So love me.
• I am totally charming and also a medical doctor and astrophysicist. Because I’m intellectual. This all means I can totally diagnose stuff and also warn you if an asteroid is going to hit the earth. So, if you’re smart, you probably want me to live with you.
• Meaning that if you don’t want me to live with you, you’re probably not very smart.

Well, there are many more things that are great about me, but I think your brain would explode if you read them all in one place. So, if you think you might be amazing enough for me to want to be your new roommate, than you should be in touch via this ad. But be prepared to take a number, because I’m a popular guy and have no doubt that I’ll be so in-demand that people are going to be banging down the door trying to convince me to live with them.

So good luck.

In the meanwhile, I'm going to go eviscerate some mice, kung-fu some bad guys, and recover ancient archaeological artifacts and whatever.

Meow and sincerely and all that,

Clem

PS: I'm putting the word out, you should too. Help some lucky person out there find the cat of their dreams by reposting this... Facebook, Twitter, smoke signals, whatever you humans use,...f*ck, I don't know. Like I said, I don't even spray the furniture, so you should get that I definitely don't do online social networking. On that note, I don't even have thumbs, how the h3ll am I typing this, anyways?

Kijiji Suck 517: 40 year old virgin convict seeks to sway with stats

2012-02-08T09:55:00.000-05:00

Found this in Halifax > Jobs > Other for some reason. I'm sure it'll be removed by the time you see this, but it's good for a laugh.

Pro Bono (Female) Partner
Address Bridgewater, NS B4V 1V8, Canada
Job Type Full-Time

I have tons of positive attributes! You just have to be creative in how you look at them.

I’m not especially handsome, but that’s actually a plus. Recent research by Harvard Sociology professors have discovered that less attractive mates are commonly more attentive, considerate, affectionate and appreciative, but less disease ridden than Chip & Dale dancers.

If you’re thinking that it’s sad that I live with my parents, it’s not a problem. I’m allowed to stay up as late as I want (assuming I don’t want to stay up past 10:30), I have all the cheese and bologna that I can eat for FREE, and next month when my allowance increases, I’ll be able to take you to any fast food restaurant you want (Dutch Treat).

If you’re concerned that I’m almost 40 and have never had a girlfriend, worry not; I paid close attention in grade 9 Health Class. I’m memory serves, I’m pretty sure I understand the ‘how’, even if I don’t quite get the ‘why’ or the ‘what’. Plus I’ve seen my pet hamsters involved in fornication, and although they are both male, I suspect the underlying principal is fundamentally the same.

If you’re concerned for my potential impending incarceration, statistics prove that relationships with external time constraints burn 45% to 70% hotter than regular boring courtships.

If my likely inadequate reproductive organs create cause for concern, I also have in my possession 2 elastics and a clothes pin for you know what. Plus I can commonly hold my breath for 3.5 minutes at a time, although my psychiatrist has been trying to convince me not too.

My ideal woman would be Princess Leia from the original Star Wars in 1977, or Robin from Batman, if he was a woman. It’s not essential, but it would be a definite asset. Other assets would include the ability to drive me around and buy me things. Oh, and it would be awesome if you had some boobs. Just saying.

Please feel free to share this with your select group of single female friends. By ‘select’, I mean those with a high inclination towards settling, (I find desperate such a negative term). If they can’t understand how this is a full-time job, they are likely not the right candidate.
While not my first choice, I am willing to consider celebrities.

Kijiji Suck 516: I will be spooky for you

2012-02-07T10:58:00.000-05:00

Fog Emerger

Hi there,

Do you need a man to cinematically emerge from a fog cloud at your next event? If so, you've come to the right place. Speaking frankly, I am the single greatest Fog Emerger to ever work in the business. I am also the first, and the one who invented the job. Be it a birthday party, New Years Eve bash, high school football game, concert, business event, or even a practical joke on a friend, I will meet all of your fog emerging needs. In fact, I personally guarantee that I will surpass all expectations in the art of fog emerging.

This is how my service will be delivered:

- The fog will come from a fog machine that you must provide. I will provide the black cloak I wear as I emerge.

- You send me the exact co-ordinates of where the fog machine will be placed (Point of Fog or P.O.F.), the date of the event, and the precise time you require me to emerge from the fog, down to the second.

- I am not to be seen or met or in any way be contacted by anybody prior to, during, or after the event - except through a single e-mail providing specific details.

- Place your payment of $100 (no more, no less, cash only) in manilla envelope exactly 10 metres behind the P.O.F. I will collect the payment immediately before emerging from the fog.

- Upon emerging, I will drift through the fog, silently surveying the audience for up to, but not to exceed, 120 seconds. This will provide the maximum desired effect.

- I will disappear through the fog and leave the event before the fog clears.

These specifications are non-negotiable, and any attempt to deviate from the terms I have outlined will result in swift and immediate cancellation of my contract and refusal to emerge from the fog at any of your future events.

Regards,

The Fog Man

Kijiji rage comic about selling a dishwasher

2012-02-06T13:49:00.001-05:00

I would caption this with words and stuff, but it's the style of the post not to. Suffice to say, this is a "Ragecomic" about a Kijiji experience. If you're not familiar with rage comics, the humour will be lost on you. Thanks to @itsthelovebelow on Twitter for the notice. (Click to embiggen.)

Kijiji puppy obsession: Shut up already!

2012-02-06T13:35:00.000-05:00

If you follow me on Twitter @yousuckatkijiji, you'll know that I spot all kinds of things related to Kijiji ads, buyers, sellers and so on. But the thing I see more often than almost anything else is people who spend entirely too much time staring at puppies online, then spend entirely too much time tweeting about it.

I don't want to have to address this ever again, so here is a selection of the stuff I'm tired of seeing.

@kelsinoel cant stop lookin at puppies on #kijiji i miss my wittle girl! thinkin about my maddi doll #bfffolyfe

@_Carmelinamarie Creeping kijiji puppies like its my day job

@ShortyNails want a puppy so bad! Kijiji is bad news for people like me. >< Yes, there are puppies available. No, you can't have them.

@Should NOT be looking on kijiji for shizu puppy's ... I have 2 golden retrievers and a bulldog already #animalloverforsure

@loyle To the girl in the row in front of me looking at Kijiji ads for puppies... You're killing me.

@alexconnorss saddd.. looking at puppies on kijiji and i want another so bad but i know my parents wont let me :(

@nadiaruk Just looked up puppies for sale on kijiji because I miss my dog at home way too much.

@kudly_r why am i looking up puppies for sale on kijiji ... #ifonly stay focusedddd

@O2Q2 I think I have a problem with looking at puppies on Kijiji

@nancyerobb lookin at puppies on kijiji when you can't afford is a whole new level of torture. =(

@KarissaWright I seriously look up pets on kijiji that I can't get way too often. It's torture. #kittens #puppies #maybeoneday

Also @KarissaWright I look kijiji way too often for pets that I'll never be able to have. It's torcher. #kittens #puppies

These ads usually turn up late in the evening.

It's selfish of me to ask, but would you kindly shut the hell up about puppies? Buy a puppy or don't buy a puppy, 'k?

Kijiji Suck 515: Sewing machine includes box for rotting animals

2012-02-06T10:00:00.002-05:00

A gem from Kijiji Peterborough:

sewing maching
Price $55.00

OPUS 1351 brother sewing machine -in excellent working condition -comes with carrion case and foot peddle also with manual and accessories

Kijiji Suck 514: Could you BE any less searchable?

2012-02-03T13:51:00.000-05:00

Chandler leer
in great condtion is a light fixture

Kijiji Suck 513: Eager to stop buylling by KICKING SOMEONE'S ASS

2012-02-02T13:18:00.000-05:00

Everyone knows that the best way to prove that violence doesn't solve anything is to beat the living shit out of someone. Is someone spreading rumours that you're a slut? Feed them their teeth and show them that SLUTS CAN HIRE BIG GUYS ON KIJIJI. Teen getting picked on? STOMP A MUDHOLE IN THAT KID.

Or so goes the logic in this ad from Kijiji Edmonton:

BIG BROTHER/BULLY BEATER

Hi I'm Chris I'm 26, 6'6 280 lbs, I'm a bullies worst nightmare. I hear lots about young adults and kids being bullied and it pisses me off, If you need help dealing with you situation send me an email and maybe we can work something out.

I Take cash money and I have a garentee this bully ain't gonna bug you for 6 months after that they might need a refresher....

I can be your brother, uncle, cousin, UFC teacher, whatever you think of to get this bully off your back. Trust me I can hold my own, I'm not scared to deal with anyone, I have friends to back me up when it comes to a group of "thugs"

News: Halifax transit strike has riders turning to Kijiji

2012-02-01T13:18:00.000-05:00

Transit riders in Halifax are turning to their old friend Kijiji for car-pooling hookups as Metro Transit and the Amalgamated Transit Union count down to a strike on Thursday February 2.

Every crisis provides an opportunity for trolling, and here's the best transit strike troll we've seen on Kijiji so far:

Kijiji Suck 512: Someone call Richard Gere, quick!

2012-02-01T09:51:00.000-05:00

Gerbals for sale

I had two gerbals which ended up turning into alittle gerbal farm now & Im offering my gerbals for free please email only want gone asap!!!!!

According to Wikipedia, "Gerbilling, also known as gerbil stuffing or gerbil shooting, is an urban legend that describes a supposed sexual practice of inserting small live animals (usually gerbils but also mice, hamsters, rats and various other rodents) into the human rectum to obtain stimulation."

As for the Richard Gere reference, if you don't get it, don't bother looking it up. (Google only returns 43-thousand hits for "gerbil richard gere".)

Kijiji Suck 511: Boss me around so I get something done

2012-01-31T19:45:00.000-05:00

Here's an ad that's blowing up on Twitter right now, and I can't tell if the poster is serious or just looking for attention. It's posted under 'Child care' of all places.

URGENT! Seeking parental figure for part-time nagging...
Address Winnipeg, MB R3G 1M1, Canada
Job Type Contract

Hi there...

Are you so intimidating that people just avoid you? Do you have a loud, abrasive voice? Lack people skills entirely? Are you incredibly stressed out? Do people say you nag them too much for arbitrary reasons? Do you often just want to yell at someone because you are upset about something entirely unrelated?

... look no further than here, because YOU are the candidate for this TOTALLY AWESOME AND VERY UNIQUE JOB.

I am a useless, procrastinating, overly-entitled, incredibly lazy and unfocused student who deserves very little of the good in my life. So, it's totally okay to dislike me right off the bat. (In fact, that actually IMPROVES your chances of doing well in this very exclusive position!).

With my first-semester fluking-out luck running out fast, it looks like I now actually have to study and do work and stuff. Sucks to be me! However, I can't seem to actually sit still long enough to get school work done.

This is where you come in. I'm looking for someone to call my house on a regular basis and yell at me to study. I can make you mad if you want, but the ideal candidate will already feel so genuinely angry that they won't need my prompting.

I don't care what else you squeeze in there- blame me for your failing marriage, your cat dying, your high-blood pressure, the time your cell phone fell in the toilet, your mediocre looks and blotchy skin... it doesn't matter, just so long as you manage to make me feel horrible for not doing my school work.

That's all.

We can try a few trial phone calls to see if we have the right dynamic. This is what it should look like:

YOU: overbearing and horrid, a super-nag.
ME: irritated, guilt-ridden and suddenly eager to crack open a textbook or two.

Once we have established this we can talk money. I may be lazy, but at least I'm not as cheap as I'm lazy.

I have attached an artist's representation of what I hope you look like. If you do look like this, I would like to see your photo. If you do not, you can just send me a photo/drawing of someone who looks sort of like this and tell me it's you.

I really hope to hear from you soon, oh angry and confrontational stranger...

Well, that's about all. I'm going to download some Seinfeld and make pancakes.

Georgia

PS. I have an essay due this week that isn't going to write itself, you know.

Kijiji Suck 510: Seeking 600 cubic inches of Cat

2012-01-30T12:25:00.000-05:00

Halifax tweeter @concreteorange posted this ad. "My last cat got swiped by some yuppies down the street," he says. "The Hydrostone elite strikes again."

The only thing preventing this ad from getting an A+ from me is that the measurements are not in metric. This is Canada, eh.

Wanted: Looking for Suitable Cat

I seek a cat. Here are the particulars:

Size
The cat ought to roughly be 12 “x 10”bt 5 “. So , 600 cubic inches of cat, give or take. Naturally, I’m not fanatical about its exact volume. That would be madness.

Colour
Frankly, it does not matter a jot. All I ask is that is has some colour, as cats bereft of any colour are extremely hard to find. Personally, I don’t see the point of owning a cat that one cannot see. One also lives in constant danger of stepping on it , which would probably aggravate both cat and owner somewhat.

Age
Again, age is just a number (although a significant one if one is say 114) . Still, I prefer one that is not pensioned off. It has to be able to move from point A (let’s say the kitchen) to point B (e.g. Living Room) in less than an hour without the aid of a cane or a wagon.

Dog
This is important. It must be able to get along with a large, rather enthusiastic, but thoroughly pleasant German Shepherd. The two ought to become fast friends, a la Bonnie and Clyde , share the same world view and taste in water. One look, and the cat should be heard to mutter: “there’s my dog” and fall into his arms.

Mice
It should loath those little buggers the way Lord Black loathes prosecutors. Like a silent ninja, it must be able to glide about, ready to send the whole lot to their maker. In other words, I’m looking for the Clint Eastwood of cats . Mind you, squinting is optional. No ponchos.

Procreation
I don’t make demands of my cat, that I would not make on myself. Hence, the cat must positively not be able to procreate in any way shape or form (and that includes foreplay) . It should look at members of the opposite sex with the same indifference with which Lady Gaga greets an invitation to a lawn bowling tournament.

Location
Ideally, the candidate would find him or herself to be somewhere in the North End of Halifax. As my ability to drive has been scandalously been cut short due to a slight disagreement with a movie set arrow, I cannot flitter about across country to pick up said pet.

If you have a suitable candidate, please get in touch. Thank-you for your time.