You Suck at Web Design

Security, or, Here Be Dragons

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 18:59:08 +0000

A word of warning for you, my friends.
I am feeling quite abstract today.

It grips your brain tightly and squeezes, the wander lust of your newly chosen career dripping sweetly into your stomach as you reconsider certain decisions. Should I have quit my career so suddenly? Perhaps I shouldn’t eat pickled things at bars. Damn, I was so hungry. Twisting, your stomach struggles to understand what a horrible mechanism your brain actually is - and spicy potato-chip bag now at your side, the thing looks at it’s own tail, smiles, and starts to constrict. You had thought about this the last time you were at a movie, or in a restaurant perhaps. Your guests laughing away, while you stare directly into the middle-distance and wonder how their maws can gape so large while you’re in personal turmoil. Do they not know? Surely they’re under the command of some horrible brain disorder. People just seem happier while things tighten all around you. Light isn’t as bright as it once was, and your creamed corn just sits there so smug. Creamed corn doesn’t have a job. It just sits there - laughing at you. All it has to do is be eaten, then shat. (more…)

Matthew, Come Up With A Clever Title

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 18:58:35 +0000

In an effort to quell the combined angst I can almost smell emanating from the skulls of the five or six of you loyal fans who continually update your feeds and check the website for new material, I decided I should create a new chaptisode and illuminate you. I’ve also decided that chocolate filled pop-tarts cannot be distilled into explosives, but I decide a lot of things when I nearly lose a finger. Have no worries my blessed cadre, for my love for you remains as strong and throbbing as it ever was, and shall never waver as long as you promise to keep the spice flowing - for as we know, the spice must flow. I’ve been doing a lot lately in the world of freelancing, meaning I’ve been using computer programs to combine color and shape, then in their union I deliver them to the world wide internets, then I’m paid American cash dollars bills for my gray craft. I would love (more…)

What’s All This Then?

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 05:06:38 +0000

You’ve probably noticed the lack of updates in the past several months.

You’ve probably also noticed how well my ass looks in these pants… thank you for noticing.

I’ve been instructed, or as I like to call it, “threatened” to put up something telling you all that there will be more episodes in the future. Life is a little crazy right now with work, life, and the several elderly men whom play dominos in my kitchen every night. They drink all my scotch and won’t leave.

How can I make them leave?

It’s Just The Machine, Kid

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 02:59:22 +0000

Shadows from the Delivery Man’s heels licked the floorboards of the dimly lit hallway as his nervousness rose, click-clacking towards the two giant wooden doors. Beads of sweat dropped everywhere, this didn’t add to his worry as today was one of the black suits in his rotation - but more-so that the sweat making it’s way down his ass made his nervous farts sound like a penny whistle. Click-clack were his heels and with a screech his feet came together a yard away from the doors. Arrived - destination, reached. With his free hand, the one not hand-cuffed to a briefcase, he wiped the moisture from his forehead and pulled open one of the doors. A blast of heat and tobacco smoke engulfed him, hugged every part of his body trying to coerce his stomach to paint the floor with a rainbow. The room was large, fixed (more…)

This Place Is Giving Me The Fear

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sun, 30 Sep 2007 19:20:27 +0000

I’ve been on a zen sort of mission to kick my stress lately, which I’m sure is pretty apparent from both my writing, and the photos of me on the internet with a bald head, wearing a diaper, and playing with what looks like chicken bones. Regardless of how I choose to spend my time behind the alley of a baptist church, I’ve been focusing heavily on removing as much stress, fear, doubt, panic, and uncertainty as I can from my life and business so I don’t bleed out from my stomach and die young. I’ve recently finished the 1948 book by Dale Carnagie, “How to Stop Worrying, and Start Living” - and I’m prepping myself for a second run through it’s wonderful pages dripping with stress free living methodology. Something Dale does in the book is ask a number of seemingly stress-free people the question, “How do you eliminate worry?” then record and then rhapsodize on the topic (more…)

A Boy And His Stomach

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sat, 15 Sep 2007 21:42:09 +0000

I’ve been thinking. I know that’s a complicated statement, since those who know me personally are aware that when I say “thinking”, I actually mean “fell asleep on a pile of oily rags and now I’m wearing nothing but a bow-tie claiming that I’m the President of the ocean”. Whatever you’d like to call it, my brain has once again been active it’s its firing of tiny electrical what not’s between the synapses gray matter brain mush skull casing frontal lobe what-have-you’s. I’ve been thinking about my stress lately, how I deal with that stress, and what stress has done to me mentally and physically. Stress in the freelance business is almost a guarantee - no matter who you are. It just so happens that each of us deal with stress in our own quirky ways. Some of us have breakdowns and pull out our hair. Some of us develop horrible stomach ulcers. Then there are those of us who bottle that stress up deep inside, leaving it in a quite and abused (more…)

Another Week? I Will Choke You!

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 15:27:01 +0000

I address you, the loyal YSAWD cadre. You too, the guy in the back with the… is that a, it looks like a grapefruit. Did you bring a grapefruit? Oh okay…. no… a big orange. I see, no I thought… okay.

I know I’ve been absent lately, but finding time to conduct my personal life, run my business, write for this website, and mask my moonlighting career of video taping bum fights takes a lot out of me. This will mark week three without a new article, and while few of you may read this (as the majority of you subscribe via iTunes) - I thought I’d toss out an idea here and see what happens.

I’d like to offer up a call for submissions for YSAWD - articles to be published right on this here very websiteatron.

Here’s how it works:

1.) You write an article, read it to yourself and make sure it’s at least a 7-20 minute read.

2.) The topic can be anything freelance or web / technology design related - and it can be fiction if you’d like.

3.) If you’re having trouble fitting the theme of YSAWD, listen or read to the past episodes here.

6.) Congratulate yourself and go get a mocha. Tip well.

7.) You use the contact form on this website to submit your article to me. If you want your work posted here, it cannot be published anywhere else.

8.) If I like it - I’ll post it here on the website. If I super-duper-like it, I’ll narrate it for one of the weekly episodes.

9.) No, you won’t get paid now, or ever for this work, and it becomes assimilated into the YSAWD universe. Hey, I don’t get paid for this stuff either.

10.) If you don’t hear back from me, do not take it personally. It just means your article was garbage and I hate you and your face.

11.) Before anything is posted, I’ll be getting in touch with you to get your final approval to do so, and you’ll be credited in the text / audio that it’s a work by you and you alone.

There you have it, my half-assed attempt to keep you happy for when I have some down time. There should be a new tasty article next week, so send in those submissions, tell your friends, take your hand off my leg, and have fun!

Joy!

What The Bleep, A Webernet Inquest

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 18:42:54 +0000

I’ve been a web design freelancer for a few years now, and I’ve been in the business for even more of said years, and I’ve continually been plagued by a simple question rolling around in my brain-pan, as I sit in this hospital bed after swallowing a hand full of nickels for the promise to meet James Earl Jones. While it was a bad investment on my part, it gave me time to think about this magic question and contemplate the answer before my toes fall off from blood poisoning. The question is this - “what exactly does that freelancer guy do for a living”? It’s a complex rubix cube brain fart of a question, as these people could probably give me a solid answer to my face - but I’d still be there with an furrowed look trying explain why I’m standing in their living room at two in the morning wearing nothing but yellow galoshes. (more…)

Cord, I Cut At Thee

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sun, 12 Aug 2007 16:14:50 +0000

I’ve had my MacBook Pro for several months now, and the more and more I use it the more and more I love the computer itself, the Macintosh operating system, and the taste of a sweet Georgia peach while I’m rocking in my chair and surveying all of my land. I run a software called Parallels on the MacBook that allows me to have Microsoft Windows on the machine as well, so I can run programs in a PC environment where necessary for my business or personal projects. These projects range from anything like using Photoshop for some design work, to swirling around in a multi-colored toilet bowl (more…)

When to Pass on Projects

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sun, 29 Jul 2007 16:58:43 +0000

You just woke up. No really, you just did. You just woke up and after a hearty scratching of your places-most-private; you start the coffee maker and sit patiently as it brews its magical black deliciousness into the pot, or carafe if you’re a fancy fancy pants. Oooh, look at it – look at that coffee. That is your life blood, your sweet nectar to power those phalanges and get your day cooking. You’re going to drink that coffee, drink it long and hard and you’re going to buzz on a cloud of caffeine abuse and chemical dependency. You’re sitting down now in front of your computer, you’ve turned on the monitor, you’ve got your favorite sweatpants on, and you’ve made a vow to keep the pornography to a manageable level today. Your e-mail is open (more…)

Dinner Theater With Debrie

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sun, 22 Jul 2007 16:44:23 +0000

There are many rituals to my daily routine that conjure up fears that I am indeed a sixty five year old man who’s taken up residence in the hull of a well nourished twenty seven year old mid-westerner. I wear glasses to read. I have a thorough love of cigars. I have no patience for children. One of my best friends is my English bulldog, Carl. I have no lawn, but feel the constant need to ensure that nobody is on it. I also seem to have a fleeting memory when attempting to recall any stories or events of considerable weirdness in my previous lives. These instances vary from attempting to recall the events surrounding me drinking three orange smoothies and then allowing myself to be punched in the stomach, to the time I accidentally drove through a red turn light and nearly hit someone on a bicycle - and instead of honking my horn I rolled down the window and angrily yelled the word “honk” at them repeatedly as I drove by. Why did I do that? Often good friends or family will bring up a story and (more…)

Hiatus Almost Over

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sat, 14 Jul 2007 01:00:59 +0000

Stay tuned, fresh and funky my YSAWD friends - one more Monday without a new episode and then I’ll be back up and running with hot new design-on-design content for you and the happy ending is free.

Promise.

No really.

An Expensive Failure

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sun, 01 Jul 2007 17:10:28 +0000

Audibly grunting into the folding chair, Lieutenant Colonel Tilean sat his cup of coffee onto the losing hand of an old poker game and opened the newspaper for what he liked to refer to as his “morning bullshit”. Lightly tapping the “recent headlines” section with his finger, the newspaper went blank, and then faded in with a rehash of announcements from the previous evening. Tilean had begun to read no more than the first paragraph of an article about the new P54 Void-Rats being used to deliver payloads of energy ammunition – when he noticed the handle of his coffee cup dancing. He knew that the under-base (more…)

Frustration, Flattery, and McConaughey

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sun, 24 Jun 2007 21:26:28 +0000

By: Mikayla Jordan

I love my husband more than Mary Jane loves Spider Man. I love him more than Kratos, God of War, loves brutally massacring hordes of undead minions of Olympus. I love him more than Samwise Gamgee loves Frodo Baggins…except, you know, not totally gay cause I’m not a dude.

That having been said, it’s not easy being the wife of a freelance web designer. The days are lonely, the nights are long, and the sense of financial security is virtually non-existent. His stress level is astronomical, and believe me, I feel that. And the fact that he works at home makes it really difficult to sneak in the shipments of heroine the Kingpin has made me responsible for.

I’ve found that the most difficult part of being a freelancer is being your own boss. Sure it seems (more…)

I Lance Freely, Chaptisode 2 - Temporary

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sun, 17 Jun 2007 20:45:26 +0000

When my hair was down to my shoulders, I never used conditioner. This is likely because I was a moron – could be I still am. Because of this, it took thirty minutes to comb my hair (probably why it’s leaving me now) and an hour or so after showering my hair looked greasy again, as though I had run a quick marathon or perhaps had just melted a stick of butter using the heat from my scalp. It didn’t help when I was applying for work at a temp agency. I worked for probably every agency in town, opting to do all sorts of menial office assignments in lue of what every normal person my age does in a college down – flip burgers, roof houses, telemarketing, wait tables, sell locally farm grown sticky bud - or all of the above. I was determined (more…)

I Lance Freely, Chaptisode 1 - University

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 01:47:45 +0000

I explained that I didn’t know much about computers, but that I had successfully installed a video card one time, and it did the trick – I was hired. I spent my days making near-minimum wage peddling expensive and cheaply constructed computers to the elderly and confused baby boomers. Every time I sold one, in my mind where the balled hands of guilt should be pounding on my skull, I instead heard the voice of a tiny accountant calculating if the three percent commission I just made would be enough to help pay the bills. It didn’t matter, as I would just waste it on video games and enough sugary candy to induce a two week long erection. My hair was down to my shoulders and my eyes sometimes just become naturally bloodshot, it was just one of those things, and due to my body size - to any customer (more…)

Edward and the Butcher

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sun, 03 Jun 2007 18:35:34 +0000

With a deep breath and a long exhale, Edward leaned back in his chair and painted a wry grin on his face – as if he had just solved the mystery we know as “woman” or if a beam of light from the heavens painted the cheats codes to Mario Party onto his brain. The colors matched, the schema perfect, and he’d be damned if that navigation didn’t just scream web 2.0. He saved the progress he had made, and made a checkmark on his notepad to-do list. The stroke was long, firm, and red – it was bold and red – and it echoed a triumph of incalculable measure. Hands, slowly rising and folding the church, people, and even the steeple behind his head in the human signal for “I am relaxing. I am relaxed.” – he felt the weight on his soul tip and become less. The design was finished, and it was ready (more…)

Alas YSAWD Loyal, There is Rest

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sun, 27 May 2007 22:40:04 +0000

I’m taking a break this week for the three-day weekend, so I won’t have an episode for you this coming week - sorry!

Stay tuned, for more YSAWD nonsence shall return the following week post-haste on this same bat channel.

Your Web Design and You - Part 2: The Design

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sun, 20 May 2007 18:26:39 +0000

Welcome back web designer! It’s time to hop on this train called adventure, riding on the tracks of knowledge, driven by an alcoholic conductor who is reading Swedish pornography in front of the passengers. It’s time for lesson number two of Your Web Design and You – The Design! Boy howdy! Today we’re going to learn about the design process, what leads up to it, and the joy that follows from completing an A+ job number one 100% complete good job. Are you ready? Haha – of course you are – let’s get going!

Preparing Your Materials:

The last thing you want is to be knee deep in pile of hot, smelly, and larva ridden unpreparedness – no sir! It’s important to make sure you start at the beginning – the flowchart. The flowchart is a document that will show you what (more…)

Your Web Design and You - Part 1: Meetings

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sun, 13 May 2007 22:26:42 +0000

Hello there web designer! In this series you’ll be learning all about web design and its effects on your supple fresh mind. We’ll be exploring a number of topics about what web design is, how to use your web design, and what your web design can do for you. In this first lesson we’ll be talking about meetings and how to conduct yourself during one. Oh boy! Adventure! Let’s get started right away – shall we?

Arriving at your meeting:

Congratulations web designer! Due to client request, mutual agreement, or in response to your ransom note you’ve got a meeting today – let’s get ready! First things first – make sure you’re dressed for the occasion. Keep those side burns manageable Bobby Web Designer (more…)

Dr. Professor Doomenhousergloom - Freelance Designer

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Mon, 07 May 2007 00:45:27 +0000

Okay – great, I’m glad you made it here without too much trouble Mr. Doomenhousergloom – traffic can be a pain downtown sometimes. Okay – let’s get started and talk about goals. We’re thinking that we’d start with maybe three mockups. Two? Okay it looks like in my notes here we’ve decided to start with just two mockups to start with. If we wanted to do another one – how would that work?

IT WOULD WORK by my hand and my hand alone! I alone will reach into the cosmos and extract the magics of time necessary to render your designs! None other in this world or the next shall overturn my plans! Lest I’m torn from the very fabrics of destiny before our predetermined schedule (more…)

Of Aged Earth and Their Ways

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sun, 29 Apr 2007 21:19:04 +0000

There was a slight mechanical whir, then four soft nuetro-pads landed on the soft dirt with no more sound than an old person farting into a loveseat. Expelling its pressure breaks in a cone of steam akin to an old locomotive, the lower pod began to descend from the bottom of Heat Drone 4-8-15R. The sky was windy, grey, and cloudy – and the Heat Drone looked like it was laying an egg. The glow tubes sensed the presence of very little natural light and encased the two pod occupants with an alien blue haze of illumination as they switched on their helmet beams and un-sheathed pulse rifles from their backpacks. It wasn’t uncommon for a few life forms to have still clung on in this climate, but it was unlikely – it was usually just muties hanging on in the darkness, nothing a quick trigger finger couldn’t fix. On Aged Earth, the sun was all but blotted out by what was now referred to as “the quick” – a fog of varying chemicals that formed (more…)

Edward and His Reward

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sun, 22 Apr 2007 22:51:39 +0000

The spinach and artichoke dip was a bit bland, but the barbeque weenies on toothpicks were the business, and Edward wasn’t going to be stopped on his journey for seconds. The buffet table was your typical Midwestern smorgasbord of casseroles, rice crispy treats in a variety of shapes, cheese, summer sausage, something rolled in something with cream cheese, untouched vegetables, very-touched potato chips, and those damned tasty mini hotdog thingies that were wrapped in bacon and drowned in barbeque sauce. It was a Saturday and Edward was indulging in anything that he could to take his mind off of this fact. Sometimes overeating helped. Sometimes secretly scratching his balls through his pocket helped. Sometimes remembering that this office wasn’t the end, wasn’t the last stop in his career journey helped keep hair on his head and a thirst for more in his… thirsty parts. Today was the annual Curvin & Aiarr “creative awards” – one of those completely unnecessary company lunch gatherings on a weekend (more…)

The “This Week in Tech” Set Diary

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 00:28:55 +0000

Monday, 10:07am

If you’re listening to this… it’s already happened. They’ve activated the device and God only knows what’s become of the world. Let me start at the beginning – the now. I’m the production manager for TWiT.tv and I’ve only been working here for a few months. For those who don’t know – that stands for “This Week in Tech” – a popular podcast hosted by Leo Laporte and other blog owners, podcasters, and web-tech-popular type people that talk about tech news, web news, and general internet related technology. We record on a sound stage three stories below ground in a bunker Leo has dubbed “The Leonasium” with large posters everywhere with a close up on Leo’s eyes and the words “Praise Be to Apple” written underneath them. Right now I’m standing in the janitors supply closet holding this tape recorder trying not to shake too much or barf up my Quiznos out of fear. We haven’t seen the janitor in two months and all that’s left of him is his overalls and a sticky lock of hair if that tells you anything about what’s been going on here lately. Maybe something got in the water. Maybe Leo huffed the chemical remnants out from the bottom of one too many (more…)

Hate Yourself? Then Design For Free

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sun, 08 Apr 2007 19:14:53 +0000

Have you given up? Has destiny dealt you another empty hand at the card table of life, forcing you to drown yourself in illegal backwoods moonshine and sell your body into prostitution to a one eyed broke-nose pimp named Blueberry Jones? It sounds like you’ve been doing design work for free – and that makes you a dirty, scarred, and unlovable pock mark upon the world of web design. It brands you – showing the world that you’ll do design work for any reason – even if it’s for just another few AOL dialup minutes so you can upload another stolen piece of Photoshop bastardry to TemplateMonster.com for a few dollars. You make the world bow its head and weep as a sad set of broken bagpipes drone the tune of your demise. In the annuls of time your name will be erased and God will draw a line across the (more…)

Edward Rides the Handsome

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 03:05:38 +0000

There were only two zombies left, and with one round left in the chamber – Edward took aim. As they lumbered forward he popped the cylinder into his palm and gave it a good spin, eyeballing it for solid chambers. Yup, only one. Lannin was to his back, the click-clack of his shotgun warning Edward that the dustup was about to finish. Edward rolled the cylinder back into his revolver with the sandalwood grips and took aim at the brain hungry undead phantom from hell. He pulled the trigger, and red numbers came out. Lannin contorted his face to convey a what the hell gesture as a zombie peeled back his skull – and when he opened his mouth all that came out was the buzzing sound of Edwards alarm clock.

Damn that alarm. Damn that alarm and it’s… alarm-ness.

Edward got up and performed his spin trick turning off his alarm then face planting back into his bed, all in the same movement. A perfect ten. Rolling onto his back, morning wood (more…)

The Freelancer Employee Handbook

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 00:51:53 +0000

Welcome new employee – we’re glad to have you on board as a part of our team. The following is your freelancer company handbook. Now, this is by no means a legal or binding contract but for all intensive purposes it will serve as your guide to working and living as a freelancer. The content in this handbook is subject to change at your very whim or if your disposition is a bit off since they were out of peanut butter chocolate smoothies at Amigos today. This manual will prepare you for almost zero percent of your day-to-day operations as a freelancer, much like how when you started throwing empty Diet Coke cans at the teenager manning the drive-through window, he fought back by spraying you with the nacho cheese hose and cursing at you in another language. Feel free to submit all questions and concerns in this handbook to HR, which is you (more…)

MacBook Pro, I Yearn for Thee

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sun, 18 Mar 2007 20:57:47 +0000

Oh, Apple laptop – my heart yearns with the fire of a thousand suns for your companionship. My stomach turns and twists with the site of your beauty. Give yourself to me – unleash the harnesses of my PC oppression and let my body fold into yours with a lust that cannot be quelled by the voodoo men or their demon magicks within a thousand miles of our love. Our love – love that knows not a boundary – love that cannot be chained or silenced – love that will not bow down to the rules of man and be squashed beneath the foot of my nearly maxed out credit card. Climb the highest tower my love – scale the rainbow fruit that bore ye into this world and open the door to our future. Look at the man in the black turtleneck – rip the white ear buds from his hearing and proclaim for the entire world to know – that you love Matthew D. Jordan and a MacBook Pro will one day be his. Let the world know that Matthew will be yours, and together we shall sit in a coffee shop and hope people notice us doing important, web-type things. (more…)

Edward and his Three Things

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sun, 11 Mar 2007 23:00:38 +0000

The silky coffee soot resting at the bottom of the paper cup revealed itself upon the last swallow of the Grande-decaf-Americano – and one of only three things Edward looked forward to each day was now over. Edward tossed the cup into the trash basket under his desk, loaded up something that resembled work on his computer, and began to let himself slip into a world that was not quite his own. He thought about his cat, and wondered what she was destroying at the apartment right now. He thought about the Monday morning meeting, where he almost told Dennis to “pucker those lollipops, kiss my ass, and tell me its ice-cream” – it would have been a joke, but the angry tenor the line would have been delivered in would have made it’s interpretation just the opposite. He thought about how everyone in this office belonged in a comic strip. “We all have simple comic strip names” Edward said to his monitor. He was right on the money – Marcy, Dennis, Edward… all except (more…)

Wine, Nachos, and the Bok-Bok Dance

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sun, 04 Mar 2007 22:06:09 +0000

I had spent the previous day manipulating my surroundings like a top secret ninja on a top secret mission from a top secret… guy… who was top secret. I knew I would be playing hooky from work the next day so I decided to mask my office with a masterful illusion, bringing my co-workers into my trap and playing their brains like little brain marionettes. I crumpled up Kleenex all over my desk, spread some cough drops here and there, and addressed everyone with droopy eyes and an apparently runny nose. My God, I was a master at my craft. I was setting my day up with such precision, nobody would dare to question the late-night voicemail I’d leave saying “yeah, listen, I just won’t be in tomorrow –cough-, I just… -cough-, I’ll see you Monday.” What I failed to realized however, is that my seemingly infinite wisdom hadn’t come across the mere fact (more…)

Edward Calls In Sick

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sun, 25 Feb 2007 23:02:33 +0000

The alarm conveniently placed ten paces from his bed began its song of pain, and Edward dreamed of maverick robotic barking devil dogs. One eye peeled itself open and darted around the room making a careful survey – insuring to Edward that he was safe in his bedroom, and indeed not being chased down by evil robot dogs with razor teeth and eyes sparked with a mad lust for his flesh. The rhythmic hate of his 1982 electric alarm clock almost became background noise to the morning, but he knew the sound would soon drive him closer to insanity, so in one big leap of energy he sprang out of bed, turned off the alarm, and crashed back into his pillow – a singular maneuver so deft it should be documented and awarded, he thought. Edward kept this ancient digital alarm with its glowing red numbers because it was the only thing powerful enough to shake him back from slow dancing with Denise Richards, or flying his F-15 through a thunderstorm. It was (more…)

Seven Ways to Get Your Client to Pay

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Mon, 19 Feb 2007 00:27:26 +0000

As an independent contractor you may come across those wonderful clients who like to order up work from you, then forget your name when it comes time to pay the piper. You’ve done some work or you may have even completed the project and sent an invoice to the client – and you don’t hear from them. A week later you check in on the status of the invoice. Nothing. You try again a week later. “Oh, check is in the mail – it’ll be right there” they say. Another week goes by. Now you’re swimming at the bottom of a bottle of Jack Daniels wearing an old car tire around your neck, ready to light the tub full of kerosene you’re sitting in on fire since your mortgage is due tomorrow and you can’t scratch their itch. Clients paying late (more…)

Possibly Damaging Tax Advice

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Mon, 12 Feb 2007 01:52:11 +0000

We’re coming up on another fun adventure called “here government, have some of my money – I’m sure you’ll spend it wisely, not on things like backwoods moonshine and parts for a potato gun”, and I’m sure you’re all looking forward to it like a kid on gumdrop sunshine candy hooray day. It’s that time of the year when we get to have our tax professional see everything we’ve spent our money on while possibly in a haze from huffing model glue, and while possibly wearing a dress demanding the Johns call you “Mrs. Hotty McThang”. We get to belly up to Uncle Sam’s bar, lay out our finances, and see if he’s (more…)

My Fifteen Minutes

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Wed, 07 Feb 2007 02:24:02 +0000

I had my fifteen minutes of fame a few weeks ago. A while back I did an article / podcast called “An Open Letter to Google Inc.” - outlining several reasons why I wanted our master Google to stuff dolla-dolla bills ya’ll into my g-string like a I was workin’ it something fierce. Number two on the list of reasons why was because I wanted Leo Laporte to talk about me on his radio show - which only happens to be the single most popular podcast there is - “This Week in Tech“.

A week or so ago I get an e-mail from the sensuous Amber Macarther asking if she and Leo can play a clip of it on the popular “net@night” (or net@nite) program. “Hells yes fo sho” I replied. “Hells yes fo sho”. Then the man himself e-mails me telling me how much he enjoyed the podcast.

Now I told you we don’t use bad language in this house, but holy poopy crap potty fart is right.

That’s right - City News International’s AmberMac and Mr. Smooth Jazz radio voice himself and his magnificent hair talked big-ups about YSAWD, played a clip, and made fun of how I mis-pronounced Leo’s last name (which I’ve gone back and re-recorded so it’s only marginally wrong now).

You can click the image above or go right here to listen to the show in your browser or download the MP3. For the impatient, they get to my fine booty around 9min into the program.

Your Company All Staff Meeting

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Mon, 05 Feb 2007 03:53:55 +0000

Okay, all right, everyone – everyone take a seat. Okay – to get started with our monthly all staff meeting for this month today on the beginning… of today… of the month… right now - I’ll recap a few of the items we discusses last month. Keith, yes you can use the bathroom on your lunch break but it does in fact count as time-off and no I don’t need a photo. We fired our receptionist Alice because someone made a single complaint about her on a late-delivered fax issue and she continued to reject my sexual advances. In reality that’s all I had time to listen regarding Alice because as you know I hate each and every one of you. Uh… let’s (more…)

eFreelanceDeskGuruExchange.com!

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sun, 28 Jan 2007 22:46:35 +0000

It’s time to connect top professionals to employers with projects. It’s time stop worrying about finding “the right person” for the job. It’s time to get started posting projects and searching for those with the skills to get them done. It’s time to stop cooking up balls of cookie dough in your toaster oven because it makes them “crazy delicious”. It’s time for you to sign up with eFreelanceDeskGuruExchange.com, and get on the right track to your future success with the path that leads us to our destiny at the end of the road… rainbow.

You’re about to access the world’s largest internets databank memory cell of freelance talent, and it’s all right at your fingertips. All you have to do is log on to your eFreelanceDeskGuruExchange.com account and in seconds you’ll be able to select from a wide variety of college students and (more…)

The News From Lake WebDesignVilleTown

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 01:10:12 +0000

(Yes, this is a Prairie Home Companion spoof. Yes, I do a terrible Garrison Keillor impression. Yes, that’s my wife Mikayla helping out on the vocals. I, in fact, love the Prairie Home Companion. Don’t ask questions. Go to your room!)

Welcome back to Lake WebDesignVilleTown where all the women all wear thick-rimmed glasses, the men have beards, and the children can text-message a paragraph without looking. It’s been a haughty and blistering 2007 here in Lake WebDesignVilleTown with up to forty inches of snow at any given time – prompting our PHP farmers to sing softly of external functions to their code, the gals over at the “Pretty Good Print” shop to thaw out another barrel of #CCCC99, and for certain shut-in authors to use the word “haughty” inappropriately, not even knowing full well what it means. We’ve got a few updates for you on the hustlin’ and bustlins’ of our town, brought to you by our sponsor – Carl’s Code By Hand Programming Service.

Carl’s Code By Hand Programming Service, providing quality hand-programmed websites since 1997. If it’s not Carl’s Code By Hand it’s probably not done right and you’re a communist. WYSIWSG, schmizywig is what Carl says – Carl’s Code By Hand Programming Service swears off things like do-it-yourself HTML layout editors, foreign automobiles, and technology (more…)

An Open Letter to Google Inc.

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sun, 14 Jan 2007 06:36:29 +0000

Dear Google,

Please buy me out and give me a billion dollars. Wait – no, wait… a million. Yeah, a million is fine – that’ll be just dandy. What? Why do I want you to buy me out? Well, there are a number of reasons I want that sweet, glorious, Googleified-cash. Maybe I want to pay off my house. Maybe I want internet fame. Maybe I want to shred up Google cash into small bits, then roll up a Google twenty dollar bill and snort powdered Google cash into my sinuses like prime grade Florida snow. However, to (more…)

Choose Your Own Webventure

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sat, 06 Jan 2007 04:57:35 +0000

Hello and welcome to your new adventure in the world of independent contracting! Today – we’ll be traversing our way through receiving, completing, and invoicing a website project – and you will be making those tough calls that can either pay the mortgage for you – or have your family digging for old chicken bones in the Chinese restaurant food dumpster next door – hoping to have enough to boil into a frothy soup. Ready? Put those thinking caps on – here we go!

You receive a phone call from a potential client looking to have a website created.

A.) You thank them for the phone call, and start the question and answer session about their project. Advising them to “brain dump” everything (more…)

A Meeting, A Scene Missing, and a Horse

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sat, 30 Dec 2006 21:24:00 +0000

It’s hard to keep your hat on when standing on a maverick Cushman riding lawn mower traveling downhill at around 45 miles per hour – but I think the mixture of sweat, fear, and the impending come-to-Jesus moment I was about to have provided the glue affixing it firmly in place.

…

I used to love meetings. Others would always talk about meetings as a waste of time - the festering unproductive boil upon their otherwise cheery day – but I looked forward to them. I’ve always been a fast worker however I always wondered how everyone else appeared so busy all of the time, every day and why they despised the inevitable meeting request. Maybe it was a company-wide pornography addiction. Maybe (more…)

Signal vs. The Funk

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Tue, 19 Dec 2006 17:41:42 +0000

The Signal vs. Noise blog run by those slick bastages over at 37 Signals turns us on to an interesting article about user generated content (what you’re reading right now) and its life in the marketing world. It’s titled “Generation C(ash)”.

Go read it right now.

Did you read it? Really? Already? Hold me.

Now you know me - I’m a steadfast pillar in the mighty castle we call “stay strong against the man”. However, if you start to see links to hardcore Swedish pornography on my site…

…click them so I make money.

I Think I’m About to Cry

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 22:36:13 +0000

It’s Best Buy, so I’m skeptical - but… but… could this finally be the start of a new way of thinking? Check out this article about an actual - in practice - “come as go as you please as long as the work gets done” system Best Buy has been using.

Click here, it’s a link to the article at Business Week Online.

Read it.

Read it or baby puppy angels will fall out of the sky.

So You Think You Can Be the Boss

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Wed, 13 Dec 2006 01:57:57 +0000

You’ve made it. You’ve just hired employee number 30 in your mega, super, fantastical design agency, and things are definitely looking up. You just landed another six figure client, your spouse is happy you’ve stopped leaving your toenail clippings under their pillow, and the new rims on your Escalade look so shiny today you’re about to make love to them. You’re on top. Everything is going your way. Everything… except the fifteen employees about to quit in the next two months and take as many office supplies a Dodge Stratus can carry. That’s right – if you’re in charge chances are - you suck at being the boss, and you need a swift kick right in the sweet-meat.

How many places have you worked for (or will work for) that are sternly helmed by someone who does their job exceedingly well, but have just as much trouble spelling the word “morale” as they do trying to stuff a corpse into a toilet? They hold the (more…)

A Strip Club Sign and Fresh Dirt

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Mon, 11 Dec 2006 01:15:35 +0000

Have you seen this site? I recently stumbled upon it when I was going through your garbage looking for old credit card statements. It’s the portfollio of Jared Christensen, and I wanted to share it since I often use the colors hot pink and brown as an example of the most terrible combination possible - but this guy pulled it off just aces. Great use of color, and I love the line drawing of the robot. Very slick.

You know what else is slick?
What you’re wearing today - I mean ga-rowwwl.

Soliloquy for Earth Tones and Coffee Cups

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Thu, 07 Dec 2006 03:16:32 +0000

The more and more I write, the more and more I come to the realization that not only do I need writing classes, I also need to stop eating mayonnaise off of the floor. Also, I realize just how much my work environment impacts the work I do and subsequently how much work I get done. I’ve lovingly dubbed my office “The Mattcave” since it’s in part of the finished basement in our house. Ah – did you see what I did there – with the office name? Like Batman? Yeah, I went there girlfriend. What do you mean you don’t get it? It’s… like Batman – you know – Bat- forget it. No – no the moment is gone. Let go of my arm. You’re hurting me.

I’ve done my best to make it the slick sort of environment I’ve always wanted to work in. Complete with a top of the line LCD monitor, a large desk, a comfortable chair, the walls painted the color I want, a couch, and the floor covered with Metsulfuron 60 farm grade animal fertilizer. You know, office stuff. It’s a fine (more…)

Just Say Nyet to Spec Design

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Tue, 05 Dec 2006 00:00:19 +0000

Do you have an online portfolio? I mean, a website with a collection of images that shows your past design talent and maybe compromising photo of yourself at a drag party? Yeah, that one. Then tell me something – why on earth would you provide a design FOR FREE to a potential client when bidding on job? Why would you do that? Why would you do that to your mother? Did I not love you enough? Maybe mommy smokes too much. Mommy does love her sweet, unfiltered, lung candy. What was I talking about? Oh yeah – Georgia peaches. Wait – no. Spec design – that’s right.

I simply to this day cannot understand why a client requests design mockups with a bid, and why a designer would ever comply with (more…)

The Banks Hate You and Your Family

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sun, 03 Dec 2006 06:24:45 +0000

Sound harsh? Well, okay – it was. I’m trying to get your attention, trying to “grab ya”, trying to get that delicious headline that makes you keep reading. Failed heart-palpitation inducing headline aside, I want to take time to address banks, and more importantly how they’ll affect your personal finances as a freelance contractor when buying a house. I’m sure you’ve read those fancy schmancy advice columns by “professional accounts” with their “masters degrees” and their “colored ties” and their “knowledge of finances so foreign to you they may as well be mid-evil priests” backgrounds. Thbbbbtt. You don’t need that. You need me. Me and my “thinks he knows it all” columns with my “got thrown out of Village Inn this morning for stealing salt shakers” know-how and my “will eat part of a go-kart tire for a dollar” background. Stick with me. (more…)

Be Thankful Your Competition Sucks

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Sat, 02 Dec 2006 01:54:25 +0000

Oh, you know who you are. You’re that person who picked up an HTML 1.0 book at a garage sale while you were browsing for decorative spoons for all 50 states. You sat down with your new tome of knowledge, revealed it’s stained interior, executed the first tutorial and BAM – now you’ve created a shiny new web design business. The days of wearing rubber thumbs and filing AutoCAD blueprints are over my friend. You’re that bold soul who programmed a website for your Grandmothers plastic flamingo collection, (more…)

The Birth of Nonsence

matthew@electricdynamic.com (Matthew D. Jordan) — Wed, 29 Nov 2006 23:48:25 +0000

Allrighty-roony everyone - the site is live and functioning… untill I find another CSS tweak I need to make. Take a look around, learn about what’s happening all up ins by using the books at the top of the page (fancy-schmancy navigation). Things will progress, articles will be written, little will be seriously addressed.

Your mother and I love you very much.
Now tell your friends about this site or I’ll divorce her.