YOU TOO CAN HAVE RECOVERY (FROM FOOD ADDICTION)

NOW WHAT DO I DO?

2010-12-08T18:21:00.000-05:00

"No one slips a mile at a time. What happens is we slip an inch at a time and
fail to pay attention."

Earnie Larsen

How often have you said to yourself, "This time it's going to be different." So you make some changes, take action, and things are different - for awhile. But ultimately, you fall back into the old patterns.

If it gets bad enough, you're eating again. You've gained all of the weight back...plus more. You can't bend to tie your shoes and your knees are in such bad shape, there is pain whenever you try to use them. You're huffing and puffing when having to walk any kind of distance, none of your clothes fit because of the weight gain and you can't get past the isles in the grocery store (where your binge foods are) without stocking up. Oh, let us not forget those late night binge runs.

Then there's your physical health. How about your cholesterol? Is it high? (Don't forget the scale). Are you at the point where you don't want to go to the doctors anymore...you know what he's going to say - lose weight; you'll feel better and live longer.

Ya-da, Ya-da, Ya-da.

So how did you get to this point? There have been signs along the way. Have you been aware of them? I know I have. I chose not to look, telling myself I didn't care...or I'd do something about it tomorrow...or I'm too busy now...or I can't, my family needs (fill in the blank).

What are some signs of trouble?

Dis-ease inside - feeling like something is going on inside, but you don't know what (no feelings)
You're unable to let go
Complaining about others
Avoidance of places, people or activities
Not taking phone calls when home
Not returning phone calls
Not attending meetings
Not calling your sponsor - especially when a specific time has been established
Skipping meals
Changing meals without discussing it with someone - generally your sponsor
Binging/purging/restricting
Cessation of daily disciplines for any reason (or doing them by the "hit and miss" method)
Becoming active in other addictive behaviors (i.e.- shopping, gambling, drinking, sex, smoking, etc.)
Depression (starting or returning)
Not taking action (when action is needed)

"They said though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before
some trivial reason for having a drink."

AA Big Book, pg 42

So what can I do?

Get back to basics - go back to doing the things that worked for you in the past - the actions program had us doing when we first started. For me, it was:

If you don't have a sponsor, get one (or start using the one you have).
Go to (at least) 3 physical meetings a week - more is better. (You could do 90 meetings/90 days).
Make 3 phone calls a day - an answering machine doesn't count.
Write down and commit food to my sponsor daily.
Read program literature everyday - I read the AA Big Book and the AA 12&12. I also have questions each day pertaining to the reading.
WORK THE STEPS (over and over again - they're not meant to be done just once)
Pray and meditate
Service work (a must)
Daily disciplines (other than above)
10-Step (daily)

10-Step

In the Big Book, Step Ten tells me I need to pay attention to my day, the whole day, to see if there is anything disturbing me. IF THERE IS, I need to address it right then and there. I can't let it sit and fester in my mind.

"...we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along...Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help."

AA Big Book, pg 84

The 10-step is a tool that helps me with the "inches." I can use it on a daily basis to help me stay balanced. I need this in order for me to feel OK. Being balanced pertains to my insides along with my outsides; I have to feel comfortable with myself - not at war with myself. If I don't feel OK, it's fuel for my addiction. (Then there is garbage living in my head.)

If I take my program seriously, partake in all of the above actions DAILY, stay in contact with my HIGHER POWER, then, and only then, do I have the opportunity to recover, One Day At A Time from my addiction. It's important for me to remember that mine (recovery) is a program of ACTION. The first action being my spiritual connection. I have to ask my HIGHER POWER for help every day (for me, it's all day.)

I also have to remember that I can't place any person, place or thing BEFORE my program/
recovery.

"...we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God...Burn the ideas into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house."

AA Big Book, pg 98

Please join me again on this incredibly exciting journey! YOU TOO CAN HAVE RECOVERY!

Norinne M.

OLD MESSAGES

2010-11-16T15:58:00.000-05:00

What is it that we, as addicts, say to ourselves when something good happens?

"Don't talk about it."

Why?

"Because it will go away."

What is it we say to ourselves when something bad happens?

"I knew this would happen; things aren't ever going to change; why do I even try?" (Or something similar to this.)

Does this sound familiar? It was the message that played in my head for years. I was afraid to share anything positive (and sometimes negative) happening in my life.

The first reason that comes to mind is my fear of having anything positive taken away. Underneath that was my feeling of being unworthy. I grew up feeling not good enough. So, no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough. If I excelled at work, there was always more I could do. I set my sites on something I wanted and when I reached it, I wanted more. So I'd reach higher. It was always to prove myself to someone.

In my sewing projects, it didn't matter what I made. I wasn't happy with the results. I would strive for more complicated projects. An example is my wedding. My dress wasn't enough. I had to make my bridesmaids dress. I also had to plan the wedding on my own. I wouldn't accept help from my Mom. I continued to push myself.

In my friendships, I had to make sure everyone liked me. I said what was expected of me and did what everyone else wanted to do. There was no "rocking the boat." If anyone asked what my opinion was, I deferred to another person. I made sure the attention was not on me (yet I still craved it). I also expected everyone to read my mind and couldn't understand when I didn't get what I wanted or was left behind.

When I failed, what I felt inside was complete character assassination. (I do not take my failures lightly). It was all internal - I tried not to show it outwardly. Each time I'd lose a piece of me - a small part would fade away. When I was in my addiction, I ate. I would push myself to work harder, try to find where I overlooked whatever (caused the problem) and then fix it. I'd then have to push myself even harder to achieve the goal. If another failure occurred, I'd be falling apart inside (still), eating outwardly, and continuing to push myself; ultimately taking me longer and longer to do the job. Eventually the food wore me down and finely, took the job away. (Control is what held me together and ultimately what brought me down). I had a very hard time admitting failure; it meant I had to admit there was a flaw within me somewhere. (This required too much vulnerability and vulnerability equals pain).

Underneath all of this constant pushing and striving was a need to judge myself based on others responses (what I read on their faces - their expressions). I was constantly watching; my husband - does he love me and how much? How are my bosses responding to my work? Are they happy with it? My friends: am I saying and doing the right things around them? Have I stepped on anyone's toes lately? Are there enough friends or am I feeling lonely? Do I want to be my children's friend or their parent? Am I taking care of myself at my job or am I killing myself to prove my worth? My response was always based on others reactions.

If I take this even further, I have to look at my feelings. What are they? I could say fear, but fear is an easy out - but going deeper is too scary. Most of these questions are from my past but can also be relevant today. Sometimes they can be triggered by a look on someones face (from those around me).

Do I feel OK with who I am today or do I have this constant churning in my gut? Do I feel at ease or dis-ease? If I see any of my old behaviors, or the old dis-ease? I need to stop and look at what's going on in my life. Then I need to ask myself several questions (not necessarily in this order) and take action.

What am I not doing with my program (and need to change)?
Am I abstinent or has something changed with my food?
Do I like how I'm feeling right now (or do I need it to change)? Do I want it to change?
Am I at risk of losing my spiritual and/or physical program? (I need to get a realistic answer - this means sharing with someone in recovery and asking for their feedback).
I need to call my sponsor and talk to her about what's going on with me.
Pray and meditate - I need to ask God (HP) for help.
Attend meetings (more than I already am) and share (possibly as a topic).
Pick some topics in the back of my daily readers - read and then journal on them.
Write, write, write. Get whatever is going on in my head, out. I need to take the power away. The way to do this is by writing about it. Ultimately, I may need to do a Statement of Struggle (10-Step).
Call someone in program I trust (besides my sponsor) and share.
Repeat as necessary.

I enjoy not having to live that very painful life anymore. Today I have a Higher Power I turn to for help, guidance and love. I no longer need outside sources (including food) to fill the big black empty hole I carried around inside of me. I know who I am today and I have substance.

ACCEPTANCE IS HOW I FIND PEACE AND SERENITY

2010-10-31T17:05:00.000-04:00

I have a wonderful friend in program who shared with me something she does every morning with her sponsor. It's the Acceptance prayer, found on pg. 417 in the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book, 4th Ed. I'll share it with you:

"And acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism [food addiction], I could not stay sober [abstinent]; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."

I liked the idea and have started to use it with my sponsees before we talk about anything. I find it helps to bring in the pause (talked about in the Big Book). It helps to defuse any chaos or craziness brought into our time together.

An "ah-ha" moment

One of my long standing pet peeves with my husband is his not wiping the counter off after making a sandwich everyday. I've tried for years, asking him over and over again.

However, over the last two weeks, I've been wiping the counter without any animosity or saying a thing. There hasn't been any resentment and I'm doing it willingly. Even more significant is the thought going through my head, "It's no big deal. When you look at the big picture, do you really want to waste your time on [complaining about] this?" I have to say, for an obsessive-compulsive person, this is BIG!

Recovery requires change and change begins with action

With many of us saying this prayer for several months, there have been many changes in our attitudes and consequently, our lives. With this in mind, I would highly recommend it for anyone having any difficulties. Give it a try!

Let me know how you make out!

Please join me again on this incredibly exciting journey! YOU TOO CAN HAVE RECOVERY!

Norinne M.

HOW DO YOU TURN SOMETHING OVER?

2010-10-05T14:34:00.000-04:00

During my work with sponsees, they've asked me many times,

"How do you turn something over? I can't seem to let it go!"

I struggle with an answer because when you're new or using, it's easier said than done. Unfortunately, when we hear the slogan, "Let go and Let God" in the 12 step rooms, it doesn't come with directions.

As I've thought about this question, I realized that there is a progression in recovery. Just as in the 12 steps, which are meant to be done in order, our recovery is the same way.

When I'm in my disease, I'd like a quick answer and I want it NOW; I have no patience. I can't sit still long enough to allow my thinking to go very deep. The part of my brain that is working (remember it's fogged by my addictive substances) takes the easiest, fastest route to an answer. I can only see things through my perspective - which, as far as my disease is concerned, is the only way. To consider anything else is out of the question - my disease won't let me. In fact, I can't hear what the other person is saying.

The first part of the progression to recovery is abstinence. I had to get out of the food fog and get clarity. I did this with help from my sponsor and program friends. Because they struggled like myself, I was able to be honest about my food for the first time in my life. I had to start telling my secrets. I had to tell exactly what I was doing with the food; how much I was eating, when I was eating, what I was eating and where I was eating it. Once I did this, I could see patterns in my eating behaviors. These patterns helped to give me a place to start making changes. For me, these changes happened all at once. For others, it can be like climbing a mountain; one step at a time. (My suggestion would be to pick one thing that seems reasonable and do it. But do it. Then move on to the next.) Slowly, you"ll reach your goal - the top of the mountain - complete abstinence.

With clarity came the ability to do the steps. I finally had hope for the first time in my life. I found a Higher Power I could live with and invited him into my life. Then I practiced trusting him. This took time. (I also worked on trusting people in program.) Eventually I gained courage to look at my past. I acquired integrity when I gave the work I did to my sponsor and God. Learning about willingness and humility helped me to get past my fear and helped to open myself up to intimacy.

I also learned about forgiveness. I found I had to forgive before I could make amends. Once I did, I could love the people I thought I never would. I had to forgive before I could ask for forgiveness.

My daily inventory is about perseverance; the need to do it on a daily basis. If I look at my day, each day, and face what went on with my behavior, I can let go the hindrances to my growth and recovery. They can't hang on as resentments.

It's also about rigorously practicing daily prayer and meditation to work my spiritual program. If I don't, I'll lose a very important part of my program.

"We are not cured of food addiction [alcoholism]. What we really have is a daily

reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition."

A.A. Big Book, 3rd Edition, page 85

Then there's service. It's all about helping others. Whatever I can do to help the still suffering is how we can make sure the 12 Step program is around for future generations.

Recovery is 3-fold; physical, emotional and spiritual. Each aspect has to be worked over and over; the work is never ending. For me, the physical goes hand in hand with the spiritual. I need both of these to be able to do the emotional. The physical also helps to give me the clarity to be able to see what it is I really need when asking my Higher Power for help.

The spiritual gives me courage, faith, humility, willingness and perseverance to do the emotional and the physical; it's how I can turn my problems over to my Higher Power. By working all legs of the recovery stool; physical, emotional and spiritual, I'm doing daily disciplines, which in turn, are building recovery habits. These habits become ingrained as I continue to do them on a daily basis. I do it by instinct. So when I have a problem, without thinking about it, I go to my Higher Power for help.

All of this took me many years to learn. Don't give up hope. Stay abstinent, work your steps, keep going to meetings, do your daily disciplines and keep asking your Higher Power for help. It works, it really does!

Please join me again on this incredible exciting journey! YOU TOO CAN HAVE RECOVERY!

Norinne M.

TRIBUTE

2010-09-18T13:25:00.000-04:00

Tribute To Someone I Love

Cancer's a sneaky opponent

you least expect to see

your life has been turned upside down,

"This can't be happening to me."

Life is way too short

to try and figure out why

no need to waste your time

if you do, your time will fly.

Believe in your recovery

just like your doctor said

his words of wisdom carry weight

you have your full life ahead.

Only a few more treatments left

the mask can be put away

no more running for those visits

you'll be able to celebrate, YEAH!

Your life will never be the same

it's better than before

priorities and boundaries are stronger

test your wings, then soar.

These people who now are in your life

they love you and are true

each one will be there by your side

a "family" you can speak to.

Celebrate each day with laughter

honor your spirit with joy

respect the love around you

you have your life, ENJOY!

Norinne M.

HOW BADLY DO YOU WANT RECOVERY?

2010-09-17T17:35:00.000-04:00

While active in my addiction, my life was always about the easier, softer, way. My way was quick and dirty - I hurried to get the job done. Even if it was "half -ssed." I never put any thought into what or why I was doing something (except about having it be the way I wanted.)

My meals were never planned ahead of time. I decided what to eat before it was time to cook. If there wasn't anything in the house, we went out to eat.

Our finances were the same way. When I wanted something, I went out and bought it. Long term goals and my future were all about now. The same with my work history. I stayed at a job until I was bored or asked to leave. Then I started looking for another. I had no idea what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go - I had no goal or ideal job. My concerns were all about making more money so I could buy whatever I wanted, when I wanted it (or paying for the things I had already purchased.)

In my struggle to survive, I used this way of living to push the world away. It's how I coped with life and the things I chose not to look at or deal with. No disciplines was my coping mechanism.

Are you willing to do what is necessary?

In order for my life to change from the way it used to be, I had to change what and how I was doing it. The 12 Step program has given me this opportunity.

While working concurrently with my sponsor and sponsees, there are several tools incorporated in our daily disciplines: telephone, food plan, writing, meetings, service, literature and anonymity. By using these on a daily basis, not only are we changing ourselves, but the disciplines over time, become habits and these habits become instinctual. When there is a "bump in the road," these habits are what we fall back on intuitively.

I'd like to mention a warning here; all of this will require time from your daily schedule.

Do you want to change?

Recovery is all about change and to change is hard work. Many times I was scared and wanted to walk away. I wanted to say, "I quit." Change meant doing or saying something even though I wanted to run in the opposite direction. It could mean listening to someone (my sponsor) tell me something I don't want to hear. It may mean keeping my mouth shut when I desperately want to say something. It could be my needing to look at my part in something when I would rather blame the other person.

Are you ready to make a commitment?

Attaining abstinence (sobriety) in a 12 Step program has to be done on your own volition, as does working your steps this way. If you can honestly commit yourself to working this kind of program, I would like to suggest looking for someone who sponsors through the A.A. Big Book. This is the only kind of recovery I've seen last. (It's also the only one that works for us hardcore addicts.)

It works because it has a strong spiritual base (which the A.A. Big Book will give you.) Please notice the word spiritual, not religious. The 12 Step programs are about working a spiritual program, not a religious one. Please don't confuse the two.

Take a chance

I hope you decide to make an investment in your future by taking a chance on working your program this way. I did and my life has changed dramatically.

Where I was once held hostage by my depression and stuck on the couch, today I no longer am struggling with it.

The numbers on the scale used to control how I felt about my body and what I did with my food. If the numbers were down I decided I could eat. If they were low enough, I felt I looked OK. If the numbers were up, I would restrict (and my head told me I looked horrible.) At one point, when the numbers were higher than I thought they should be and I couldn't stop the continual weight gain, I had this insane urge to have one of my legs cut off.

Today I accept my body and when looking at myself in the mirror, can say, "I love you." I have no need to restrict anymore because of the numbers on the scale. My insane thinking is gone. If for some reason there is a change, I talk to God and my sponsor. Then I take whatever action I'm told is necessary (not what the addictive part of my brain tells me.)

I used to feel lonely in a room full of people. It didn't matter who was there or how many I knew. In my loneliness I became more demanding of the people I knew, ultimately pushing them away. I call my friends today heart friends. We know each other intimately, like each other and want to be friends.

There are so many changes in my life today because of the changes in me and my attitudes...too many to list.

"If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any

length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps."

A.A. Big Book, pg 58

Please join me again on this incredibly exciting journey! YOU TOO CAN HAVE RECOVERY!

Norinne M.

SURRENDER - One Day At A Time

2010-09-09T12:44:00.000-04:00

While attending a 12 step meeting one Saturday, someone shared a specific story about their struggle with food and I'd like to share it with you. In order to make telling the story easier, I'll use the name Cathy.

Cathy really wanted ice cream. Unfortunately, it wasn't something she could have. Even though she knew this, Cathy still planned on having some. Before leaving her home, she said a prayer, "God, if you don't want me to have this, you're going to have to do something about it." She then picked up her keys, got in the car and left.

As she continued to tell her story, Cathy mentioned how the traffic was horrible and when she arrived at the ice cream store, it was closed. On the door, there was a sign saying, "Sorry, no power - closed." (She noticed the traffic was horrible but didn't realize the cause was from there not being any traffic lights until after she saw the sign on the door!) Afterward, she acknowledged her Higher Power did answer her prayer - she ended up not having the ice cream!

This story had a big impact on me. I thought about my own struggles with food, and in doing so, in my own mind, was able to come up with several recent examples. A current one was when I'm in the grocery store; several departments call out to me to go visit. I may not buy anything, but I'm always "perusing."

Another example is the evening hours between dinner and bed time. I'm fine until my husband eats something. It's the smell or sound that has always gotten to me.

I realized I still was having a problem with food. I was abstinent; I was writing my food down; I was calling it in to my sponsor; but I didn't have any peace.

These thoughts went tumbling through my mind after I heard the story. I realized I was still hanging on to some control around my food. I hadn't completely given it up. I'd asked God for help many times, but I hadn't given the food completely to God. Giving my food to my sponsor wasn't enough.

So on the way home from the meeting, sitting in the passenger seat (I was fortunate enough to ride with someone), I physically lifted my hands in the air, saying out loud (and visualizing it), "God, I give you my food. I don't want it anymore. You take it."

Immediately afterward, I felt a huge relief - almost like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

I haven't struggled with my food since. When I go into the grocery store, none of the foods call out to me anymore; nor does my husbands snacking bother me. If I find some inkling of being uncomfortable around food, I know it's because I've been lax with my spiritual program.

Over the years I've learned not to question the power of this program. Miracles are happening in the 12 Step rooms; many in my own life. This program works, if you work it! All I have to remember is to do it ONE DAY AT A TIME (but do it!)

Please join me again on this incredible exciting journey! YOU TOO CAN HAVE RECOVERY!

Norinne M.

ASKING PUTS ME IN A HUMBLE POSITION, IF I AM HUMBLE, I AM TEACHABLE

2010-08-15T16:10:00.000-04:00

One of the definitions for humility in the 12 Step program is "to be teachable." In the beginning, I thought I was teachable. I came in thinking, "Just show me what to do, I'll do it (and then I'll be able to leave)." I had it in my mind I would be shown what diet would work for me because it was working for everyone else. At the time, I wasn't aware my whole life would be changing!

The first bump in the road was when I had to admit I had a problem with food, not my weight. This was a biggie for me. I didn't want to admit this because there would have to be an admission on my part that there was something wrong with me. I didn't want any part of this. Instead, I wanted it to be all about the weight.

The next problem I became aware of was when it was suggested I get a sponsor. With my not having one, I could do whatever I wanted with the food I was eating. It was my intent to be able to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and not be accountable to anyone. In truth, it was still about a diet for me. I didn't want anyone messing with my food. All I wanted was to lose weight. If I had a sponsor, I couldn't get away with it anymore.

Once I got a sponsor, which I did after six months, she wanted me to start calling her on a regular basis and at a specific time. I balked. I intentionally called her four minutes later than the designated time. I told myself I didn't want to seem too eager. In reality, I was testing her. Those four minutes late got me in trouble. When she spoke to me about it, my thoughts were:

"What is wrong with this person?" and
"I don't need this crap!"

I decided I didn't want this kind of (my perception) unyielding, inflexible sponsor, so decided to drop her and look for another. At the time, I don't know if my motives were clear to me. I said I was looking for my next sponsor but ultimately decided not to work with anyone. (I was looking for an easier, softer way and it lasted for three months.) What I told myself was "I don't need a sponsor."

Unfortunately, my disease took over. I ate everything I wanted, blamed whatever went wrong on everyone else and ultimately gained more weight. While I continued to go to meetings, I was miserable.

Eventually, it was the weight gain that made the decision for me. I went back to the same person and asked her to sponsor me again. I was willing to call whenever she told me, on time, and do whatever she asked me to do.

Over the years, I've found this to be true with all of my sponsors. If I sit in judgment, questioning or balking everything they ask or suggest, I don't learn anything. On the other hand, if I open myself up to the gift of my Higher Power through their words, the things I seek; peace, joy, serenity, love, laughter, and friendship are all available to me.

Therefore, the secret is not to sit in judgment of the people I ask to be my sponsor. On the contrary, it's to do as they ask because their words are my Higher Power in action.

"...but for me they had to make it tough; if they hadn't I don't think I ever would have stuck it out.

Once again, there was the challenge of a tough job, but this time I was determined to follow through."

A.A. Big Book, 3rd Ed. pg 248

As a child, I always hated being told what to do. On the other hand, as I balked, it made me want to prove my self-worth. My Higher Power knew what he was doing when he introduced me to my first sponsor. When I first met her, she was in a wheel chair. When asked, she said it was her God (Higher Power) that got her through everything. She was the first miracle I saw in program.

Back then, she was part of a group we called "the Big Book thumpers." I have a huge appreciation for that group and the affect it's had on me over the years. The experience gave me a great respect for the A.A. Big Book and helped me to become the sponsor I am today.

Please join me again on this incredibly exciting journey. YOU TOO CAN HAVE RECOVERY!

Norinne M.

IF YOU SPOT IT, YOU GOT IT

2010-08-09T17:03:00.000-04:00

Every month I go to a business meeting where several 12 steppers are in attendance. One of the many reasons I'm there is because I have a responsibility to give a monthly report for the Intergroup newsletter I produce.

A few months back, as I rendered the report, I noticed someone making faces. My first thought was,

"She's making faces because of something I said."

I immediately felt shame. My second thought was,

"She doesn't like what I'm saying."

This thought led me immediately into my protect me mode and my next thought, which was,

"How dare she!"

Along with that came my next feeling - anger. It was then I opened my mouth and asked if she had a problem. (This was totally inappropriate. Unfortunately, I didn't recognize it until much later.)

This Story Is Not About Her, It's About Me

"To define the word harm...we might call it the result of instincts in collision,

which cause physical, mental, emotional or spiritual damage to people."

(A.A. 12&12, pg 80)

My instincts were definitely in collision, causing mental, emotional and spiritual damage to her and myself. (I know for me, it could have caused physical damage - ultimately I would have started eating if I had not done anything. I pray it didn't affect her this way.)

I left the meeting feeling angry and guilty. On the way home, I made several calls. I wanted to talk about what happened in the meeting and to discuss my actions. I was also looking for two things: affirmation and truth. My disease wanted affirmation and my recovered self wanted truth I know who I can call for each.

I Already Knew The Truth

Because of feeling guilty, I started immediately asking God for help during the rest of the meeting by praying silently. My gut, which is my God voice, had already given me the answer. I knew what I'd done was not OK because of those guilty feelings. Yet a loud voice, my disease, was justifying my actions and telling me I had every right to do what I did. I really wanted to believe the disease, because if I did, I wouldn't have to do anymore work; I wouldn't have to call the person and apologize. However, I couldn't sit with the truth and not do something.

I called a few more people. Luckily, I chose people in recovery and after talking, knew an amend was necessary. Even so, there was a little brat inside of me still fighting! I was still hesitant.

"...our enemy, rationalization, has stepped in and has justified conduct which was really wrong.

The temptation...is to imagine that we had good motives and reasons when we really didn't."

(A.A. 12&12, pg 94)

I talked to my sponsor and decided I needed to do a Statement of Struggle. (This is a specific form of 10-step. It has 12 questions, each applying to their corresponding step.)

A Change In Attitude

My attitude changed after I did the 10-step. I was able to recognize that the behavior I responded to in the meeting was really about my childhood. As I acknowledged this, any refusal to do the amend was gone and I was ready to apologize sincerely (without regrets). The experience validated (again) a saying we have in program, "When you have a problem with someone, It's not about them, it's about you." I am still amazed by what I learn, when I'm willing to do the work!

I hope you will continue to join me on this incredibly exciting journey! YOU TOO CAN HAVE RECOVERY!

Norinne M.

A Body Badly Burned By Food Does Not Recover Overnight

2010-07-12T18:26:00.000-04:00

"A body badly burned by alcohol [food] does not often recover overnight nor do

twisted thinking and depression vanish in a twinkling."

A.A. Big Book pg 133

I have had a long history struggling with food. I started dieting around ten when my mother decided it was time to help me with my weight problem. I knew on some level I was bigger than my peers, but I wasn't ready to look at the problem I was angry with my mom because she was "messing with my food." I thought it was her way to control me, not a way to help me. So, I sabotaged any effort she made.

You name it, I've tried it. Any diet that came along, whether it was advertised on the latest magazine, on a T.V. program or something a friend was trying, if it touted a better and faster way to lose weight, I had to try it. The key word I always looked for was fast. I never wanted to wait for anything. It was all about instant gratification. If I didn't have any weight loss right away, depression set in. I would quit the diet and then search for the next "quick weight loss" fix. Depression was my constant companion because there is no quick fix. The insanity around my actual weight, my need for weight loss and the depression sent me into therapy when I was eighteen. I was feeling suicidal.

It took many years of this "roller coaster ride" before I found a 12 Step program to help me with my compulsive overeating and food addiction. When I got abstinent, I thought it was all I had to do...get abstinent and go to meetings. (I did go through the steps in the beginning. When finished, I thought I was done.) I was pretty naive. The weight came off and I was happy - I thought. Later on I realized the happiness was only surface deep.

Under the surface, little things were bothering me; the people at work, my husband's ex-wife, my mother, my past and my body. Before long, the problems became more burdensome. Concerns at work got worse; my husbands ex-wife became more demanding; my mother was more irritating; childhood issues surfaced and intensified; my mirror suddenly reflected a huge body; my hair wouldn't do what I wanted; my husband didn't love me enough. On and on and on.

These issues aren't new. They have been reoccurring in my life like waves on a beach; cyclical, and I find I'm constantly running from them. They are indicators for me - warning bells. They tell me where I am with my spiritual program. The A.A. Big Book says it nicely, "we are not cured of alcoholism [compulsive overeating]. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." (A.A. Big Book 4th Ed., pg 85)

I need to work my spiritual program every day. To do this, I have daily disciplines: 1) I'm abstinent. This includes writing my food down and calling it in to my sponsor if necessary. (When I am struggling with my food, I call it in everyday. I'd like to suggest this for any newcomer, anyone in relapse or anyone who's sponsor feels it is necessary). 2) I pray and meditate in the morning. This means I am talking to God and then listening to God. 3) I have a question I answer from either the A.A. Big Book or the A.A. 12&12. 4) I read several daily program readers and write on one of them. 5) I try to use all of the program tools everyday (which includes sponsoring). 6) I try to do a daily ten step. This also includes listing a gratitude (something I'm grateful for in my life), a God moment (something that has occurred or I see during my day that reminds me of God) and a benefit of being abstinent (something I've received or has occurred because I'm abstinent).

Above all, my abstinence is the most important thing in my life. I realize if I don't have this, I won't have anything else, including my spiritual program. In a food fog, I am unaware of anything but my next fix.

Please join me again on this incredibly exciting journey! YOU TOO CAN HAVE RECOVERY!

Have a peaceful, joyful and abstinent day.

Norinne. M.

A Special Letter

2010-07-05T14:28:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I received a God Letter. I wrote it some months prior, while attending a Spiritual workshop. If you don't know what a God Letter is, I'll explain.

The exercise started with writing a letter to God. We were given a fancy sheet of stationary and told we could write whatever we wanted in the letter. (I think we had about 20 - 30 minutes to do it.) Some of the participants stayed in the room, some went outside, some went to a secluded spot within the building. I went to a quiet corner. (When we were done, the facilitator took the letters and told us she would be mailing them to us in the future, but randomly.)

I was really surprised when the letter came. I wanted to savor the feelings when I read it, so decided to put it off for a couple of days. But I wanted to make sure I saw it - I wanted it in my consciousness. I likened it to looking at a wrapped present from God and wondering what was in that present each time I glanced at it. So I stuck it in my daily journal; every time I wrote down my food in the morning and referred to it during the day, I would see it. (I do this quite often. When I get a package in the mail, I frequently do the same thing!) Ultimately, when I read it, I was amazed because I didn't remember writing any of it. The other surprising thing is it fit with what was going on in my life right then.

This isn't the first time I've done a God Letter. Yet, each time I receive one, I am astonished. For me the letter is an expression of, and a way to denote, the power of the 12 Step programs and Gods love. I never would have dreamed I could have been open to writing this kind of letter.

I came into program mad at God. I didn't want anything to do with a spiritual program, let alone God. When I heard people talking about God, I immediately thought, "Oh no, not one of those programs." I walked out and didn't plan on returning. It was hearing other people talking about the crazy things I was doing with food that helped me to return.

The God Letter symbolizes some of the emotional and spiritual recovery I've received from working the steps. I can see how far I have come when I recognize the gratitude I feel while reading it. I see the growth in the depth of my feelings I felt. As I read it, tears were running down my cheeks. This was never an option I allowed myself in my past. I tried as hard as I could to stuff my feelings with food. I always felt I would die if they went on too long. Today I have something greater than myself, who I can turn to with all of my problems. In my past, I felt so alone. I had a big black hole inside of me that was all consuming. Today I have God inside of me and I feel love. I don't feel alone anymore. I feel whole.

I'd like to share a couple of quotes from my God Letter. It said, "joy will come" and "come together." I'm going to apply these phrases to this blog. We can share with each other and "joy will come." We can also "come together" using the blog and strengthen our friendships or gain new ones.

I hope that you will continue to join me on this incredibly exciting journey! YOU TOO CAN HAVE RECOVERY!

Norinne M.

2010-06-25T21:33:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone. I'd like to introduce myself. My name is Norinne and I'm a recovering compulsive overeater. My sponsor has been telling me for several years she thought I could help others and that God has a plan for me - so I thought I would start this blog to see where it goes. Who knows? I'll leave it up to my Higher Power!

To give you some of my history, I've been in 12 Step programs since 1985. I came in to lose weight because I was 100 lbs. overweight and miserable. Also, I'm diabetic and insulin wasn't working. When I started, I did what I was told and ultimately, was able to get abstinent and lose the weight.

I still wasn't happy. In working my program, I felt like a "dog chasing it's tail." Meaning, I used the tools, was abstinent, worked with my sponsor, weighed and measured my food, yet something was missing. I still felt a big black empty hole inside of me.

So I would work harder. I became more rigid with my program and my food - I went to more meetings, made more phone calls, and wrote more. I looked at my food and asked, "Is there something I'm not doing right? Is there something I'm eating that is setting me up or triggering me? Do I need to delete anything from my food plan?" Then I did whatever my sponsor and I came up with. I always had to have a plan of action. Sitting still was not OK.

Ultimately, I went into an emotional relapse and knew if I didn't do something about it, I would relapse with my food. But I still didn't know how to change what was happening. I continued to talk about it with my sponsor, on the phone with anyone who would listen and in the meetings when I shared. (Notice it was all about me.)

Then my Higher Power had someone call me. She asked me to listen to her answers for some questions she was writing on. What I heard changed my life. Her answers were the most spiritual responses I had ever heard! They helped me to realize what I thought I was doing for a spiritual program was really nothing - zilch - zippo! I had only been playing lip service. It also made me realize I wanted what she had.

I've been on an incredibly exciting adventure ever since and would like to invite you on this journey with me. Welcome to YOU TOO CAN HAVE RECOVERY!

Norinne M.