you'd be so pretty if...

Psychology Today: Making Time for You is Good for Your Kids

2010-03-19T06:51:00-07:00

Today, I've got a vintage post over at Psychology Today on why making time for you is good for your kids.

See you back here on Monday with a brand-new post!

Diverse Equals Unhealthy?: Talking to Girls About the 'Plus Size' Model Trend

2010-03-17T03:00:00-07:00

A reader recently told me that her 13-year-old daughter is confused by all the talk of magazines using "plus size" models. She thinks that promoting diversity of female body shapes means that magazines are promoting being overweight.

It is sort of confusing, isn't it?

There's a lot of confusion surrounding the very definition of "plus size." After all, the models who are labeled "plus size" in magazines look an awful lot like the women we see around us everywhere -- at the mall, in the grocery store, at PTO meetings. Maybe it'd be a more accurate description if we referred to the typical runway model as an "under size" model.

But I digress...

I think a discussion of healthy bodies has to put labels aside and focus on one simple question: Are you the healthiest version of the body nature has given you through genetics? You could take 10 different physically fit women and line them up next to each other and they would still look very, very different.

That's diversity.

It's when we forget that and focus on one body type as the "ideal" that we run into body image trouble. When we present our daughters with magazines that show only one type of body or hair color or skin tone as beautiful, we teach them -- consciously or not -- to value what they see as the ideal. We teach them to ignore the diverse beauty around them in favor of one -- perhaps for them, unattainable -- beauty "goal."

By showing a range of models with different body types and calling them all beautiful, magazines can have a significant impact on our body image culture. I dream of a day when the ultimate question my daughter asks herself isn't "Do I look like her?" but rather "Do I look like the healthiest version of me?" If she's eating well, treating herself occasionally, getting regular exercise and speaking kindly about her body, she can look in any mirror with her head held high and answer "yes."

That's how we can begin to teach our daughters that beauty comes in many diverse shapes and sizes.

I interviewed a woman for You'd Be So Pretty If... who told me that when she was a teenager, she was the largest of her group of friends, though she was a healthy weight. She came to a realization that I'll never forget: "I wasn't overweight," she told me. "I was over their weight."

I can relate to that. Can you?

Mother-Daughter Disclosure: How Much Is Too Much?

2010-03-15T03:00:00-07:00

When I was writing my book, You'd Be So Pretty If...: Teaching Our Daughters to Love Their Bodies -- Even When We Don't Love Our Own, I was nervous. It's a revealing book, not just for the women and girls I interviewed about their bodies, but for me, too. I shared a lot of my inner feelings and negative thoughts about myself in its pages and I worried about what people might think.

But the person I worried most about was my daughter.

I wrote the book because I wanted her -- and other moms and daughters -- to understand that what we tell ourselves about our bodies shapes who we are. That what our mothers said about their bodies has affected us. And that with conscious effort, we can change things, not only for us but for future generations, too.

Still...it's not easy to be vulnerable in front of your child. After all, we're their safe place -- the world can be falling apart, but if mom tells you it's going to be OK, somehow, you know that it is.

I've been thinking about this again after reading this post over at "We Are the Real Deal." In it, you'll see that a mom decides to share the story of her eating disorder with her 10-year-old daughter.

I wonder what her daughter thinks.

Is she devastated to find out that her mom is human after all, with fears and doubts and frailties? Or does she feel very grown-up because her mom has taken her into her confidence and shared a secret with her? Or perhaps, her daughter feels relieved because she now understands what's been behind the behaviors that she'd already noticed in her mom -- things that might have made her mom seem "different" from other moms.

As my children will attest, I don't shy away from talking about difficult subjects. Though I try to keep the conversation age-appropriate, I'm a firm believer in the fact that talking about difficult subjects and fears and things that make us feel bad takes away their power. But I also try to think about the end goal of the conversation: There's a big difference between blurting out "I hate my thighs" and saying, "Sometimes, I don't feel good about the way my body looks."

Running yourself down with constant criticism will, over time, likely have a negative impact on your daughter and her developing body image. But opening the door to a conversation about body feelings by sharing some of your own -- in a gentle way -- lets her know that nobody (even mom) feels good about herself all the time and that a negative thought now and then doesn't doom you to a life of body hatred.

It's hard sometimes for our daughters to see as human beings with feelings. But a little age-appropriate disclosure can go a long way.

"Are You Worth Getting to Know?" at Psychology Today

2010-03-12T06:55:25-08:00

Today, I'm blogging about Howard Stern, Gabourey Sidibe and how we judge one another based on appearance over at Psychology Today.

I'll see you back here on Monday with a brand-new post.

Teachable Nutrition Moments

2010-03-10T03:00:00-08:00

Recently, my daughter came home from school complaining that she's "always starving" by mid-morning at school and that she was embarrassed because her classmates could hear her stomach growling.

Ah...a teachable moment.

If you're a regular reader, you know I'm pretty hands-off when it comes to my kids and their food choices. I make every effort to set a good healthy eating example and I try to offer healthy choices at most mealtimes, but I don't micro-manage every bite that goes into their mouths. Food can too easily become a power struggle and it's one in which I simply refuse to engage.

Personally, I'm a big fan of lean protein, fruits and vegetables, and complex carbs, and my kids see me eat that way. Breakfast for me is often steel-cut oatmeal with blueberries, whole-grain toast with peanut butter or Greek yogurt with berries. They, however, tend to like the bagels, waffles and other carbs that burn off quickly.

We've had talks about energy and protein before. They probably know more about nutrition that the average kid does. But within reason, I still let them make their own choices.

So when my daughter complained of morning hunger, I took the opportunity to mention the value of lean protein one more time. OK, she said, she'd try it.

The next morning, she asked me to make her something "good" for breakfast, so I made her an egg white and veggie sausage sandwich on a whole-grain English muffin. When she came home from school that day, I heard the words that every mother of a 14-year-old longs to hear:

"You were right, mom."

For me, those are the best kind of victories -- those everyday moments when my kids try something new or make a healthy change all on their own. It's in those moments that they realize that what they eat and how they move affects how they feel. I could talk and talk until I can't talk anymore about the value of healthy eating...but nothing beats having my daughter decide on her own to make a healthy choice and really feel the difference in her energy level.

It doesn't always happen this way. But when it does, there's just one word for it: Sweet.

If You Knew Your Body's "Shelf Life"...

2010-03-08T03:00:00-08:00

I sure hope this post isn't depressing. I don't mean for it to be.

Maybe it's because my daughter and I just celebrated our birthdays and both of us are noticing changes in our physical selves. Maybe it's because I always miss my mother during birthday celebrations. Or maybe it's because I have a couple of dear friends who are both dealing with life-threatening illnesses right now. Whatever it is, I was inspired today by this column from The Bahamas Weekly.

In it, the author asks the question: "Would you feel differently about your body if you knew its shelf life?"

It's a scary thought, and one that I don't often dwell on. But I also know it's true: A healthy tomorrow isn't a sure thing for any of us.

We can do our best to make good choices about what we eat and how we move. We can try to avoid things that science has proven are bad for us. We can plan and dream and wish and check things off our endless to-do lists, but in the end?

There are simply no guarantees.

Many women have had the experience of seeing an old photograph taken at a time when we were full of insecurity, self-doubt and maybe even self-loathing. I know I have. I remember the feelings vividly, but when I look at the photograph today, those old feelings don't match what I now see in the picture.

I wasn't half-bad. Heck, I dare say I was kind of cute. So what was my problem?

My problem, I think, is that I just didn't stop to look at myself -- really look at myself -- and be mindful of what I saw. Instead of seeing the positive, I only saw what I thought needed improvement. My body was a project with no completion date -- something I worked constantly to improve.

I was never finished.

But someday my life will be finished. And I don't want to regret the time I spent obsessing over what wasn't right.

Think about it: What if you knew the day your body would exist no more? Would you spend the remaining time you had inside a gym, trying to shave an inch or two off your thighs so that you could be happier? Or would you take a walk in the sunshine simply because it felt good? Would you stare into the mirror at the beginning of fine lines around your eyes? Or would you be grateful for another healthy day?

As a person who thrives on setting goals and meeting deadlines, I struggle most with being in the moment. Enjoying what's happening and who I'm with right now, instead of thinking "what do I have to do next?" That drive helps me get a lot done. But there's a lot that I miss, too.

Right now, sunshine is streaming in my office window and my golden retriever is laying on the floor. The sun is illuminating every bit of dog hair on the floor -- trust me, there's a lot -- and I had the fleeting thought that I should get up and get the broom.

But he's on his back and he's snoring really loudly, which has me laughing. And if I make a move for the broom, I know he'll wake up and I'll lose this moment. So I'm going to stay here, in this imperfect dog hair-covered place, and just enjoy.

"Friends Can Be Bad For Your Body Image" at Psychology Today

2010-03-05T06:55:46-08:00

Today, I'm blogging about the fact that friends can be bad for your body image at Psychology Today.

See you back here on Monday with a brand-new post.

That Burning Question: What's For Dinner?

2010-03-03T05:27:04-08:00

A friend of mine was recently lamenting the fact that come dinnertime, she's unable to get a meal on the table that everyone wants to eat. Boy, can I relate.

So many studies have been done on the value of families eating dinner together. But between crazy schedules and picky eaters, pulling the family together for a sit-down meal can seem like an antiquated concept right out of the 1950s.

It's enough to make a mom want to tear her hair out.

But when I see a video like this, I realize how important it is that we never stop trying to model healthy habits for our kids.

The thing is, we have to give ourselves permission to re-define healthy habits from time to time. When things are hectic, it's OK to gather the family for a nice bowl of whole-grain cereal with sliced fruit. It still counts.

In our house, we do try to come together as a family for dinner, even if the hour is later than I'd like sometimes. But that time together is a great way to re-connect, polish our table manners and share a laugh or a kind word about the day's events.

As for the food itself, I try really hard to serve well-rounded choices. I know everybody won't always want to eat everything I make and I try hard to let go of any resentment about that. At every meal, I try to include at least one thing that everybody likes. We've also established the "have to try it" rule. If I make something new, you have to give it a try. You can take one bite and say, "I hate this" and get yourself some cereal. But that one bite has to happen and often, the kids will discover that they actually like a new food.

Sure, dinner requires some pre-planning. That may seem stressful, but I've actually found that thinking about "what's for dinner" in advance lessens my stress level. I shop better, spend less money and generally make healthier choices, too.

There are, of course, those nights when everything falls apart. On those days, I roll with the punches and pull out the cereal. After all, being flexible and resilient in the face of adversity -- even if that adversity is simply trying to get dinner on the table -- is a healthy example, too.

How about you? I'd love to hear your healthy dinner strategies for busy nights and picky eaters.

Another Birthday...What's Your Attitude?

2010-03-01T03:00:00-08:00

It's birthday time in our extended family (six of us have birthdays within a six-week span) and that means -- besides lots of cake -- lots of reflecting on where we've been and where we're going. Inevitably, someone will pull out a photo album and we'll all be amazed at how much the kids have grown and changed in just a few short years.

Photos of the adults show changes, too. But we don't always talk about those.

This morning, I was thinking that I was 17 when my mother was the age I am now. Given that I still feel 16 inside, that's a very strange thought to consider.

Then, I read articles like this one.

Apparently, for women, your 40s are a time to reflect wistfully on what was and to get comfortable with the idea of being invisible.

I'm here to personally dispel that notion.

When I think about aging, I do have a few regrets. First and foremost is that I wish I had been kinder to myself and my body throughout my teens, 20s and 30s. All that angst and pressure to make things -- including my body -- "just right" really served no purpose. Because in the end, things usually work out and if they didn't work out the way I thought I wanted them to, what I got was usually better than what I thought I wanted (extra points to you if you followed all that).

Getting older also means making peace with the choices I've made. At this point, it's a pretty safe bet that I won't be an Olympic figure skater. But that's OK. Narrowing the choices has helped rule out all the extraneous "could haves" and has brought me to the place I am.

It's a pretty good place.

I get asked a lot about how moms can model healthy attitudes toward aging for their daughters. Aging is such a loaded topic -- Botox or not? Go gray or color it? Sensible shoes or stilettos? -- and I think there's a range of positive choices within all those questions. In the end, it's attitude that matters most. When you hear yourself saying things like, "Kids today don't..." or "In my day, we..." or even the dreaded, "It's too late..." I think it's time to re-evaluate your attitude toward getting older.

For me, a positive attitude toward aging means, as always, taking the best care I can of the body I have today -- not engaging in unhealthy behaviors to try to get back to the one I had 20 years ago. But it also means staying open to possibilities. I may have narrowed my choices earlier in life and sure, some doors have closed.

But I like to think about all the doors that haven't even opened yet.

It's Time for Some New Body Talk

2010-02-26T12:28:55-08:00

Today, I'm blogging about the way we talk about our bodies at Psychology Today.

I'll be back here on Monday with a brand-new post.

Happy weekend!