you'd be so pretty if...

Teachable Nutrition Moments

2010-03-10T03:00:00-08:00

Recently, my daughter came home from school complaining that she's "always starving" by mid-morning at school and that she was embarrassed because her classmates could hear her stomach growling.

Ah...a teachable moment.

If you're a regular reader, you know I'm pretty hands-off when it comes to my kids and their food choices. I make every effort to set a good healthy eating example and I try to offer healthy choices at most mealtimes, but I don't micro-manage every bite that goes into their mouths. Food can too easily become a power struggle and it's one in which I simply refuse to engage.

Personally, I'm a big fan of lean protein, fruits and vegetables, and complex carbs, and my kids see me eat that way. Breakfast for me is often steel-cut oatmeal with blueberries, whole-grain toast with peanut butter or Greek yogurt with berries. They, however, tend to like the bagels, waffles and other carbs that burn off quickly.

We've had talks about energy and protein before. They probably know more about nutrition that the average kid does. But within reason, I still let them make their own choices.

So when my daughter complained of morning hunger, I took the opportunity to mention the value of lean protein one more time. OK, she said, she'd try it.

The next morning, she asked me to make her something "good" for breakfast, so I made her an egg white and veggie sausage sandwich on a whole-grain English muffin. When she came home from school that day, I heard the words that every mother of a 14-year-old longs to hear:

"You were right, mom."

For me, those are the best kind of victories -- those everyday moments when my kids try something new or make a healthy change all on their own. It's in those moments that they realize that what they eat and how they move affects how they feel. I could talk and talk until I can't talk anymore about the value of healthy eating...but nothing beats having my daughter decide on her own to make a healthy choice and really feel the difference in her energy level.

It doesn't always happen this way. But when it does, there's just one word for it: Sweet.

If You Knew Your Body's "Shelf Life"...

2010-03-08T03:00:00-08:00

I sure hope this post isn't depressing. I don't mean for it to be.

Maybe it's because my daughter and I just celebrated our birthdays and both of us are noticing changes in our physical selves. Maybe it's because I always miss my mother during birthday celebrations. Or maybe it's because I have a couple of dear friends who are both dealing with life-threatening illnesses right now. Whatever it is, I was inspired today by this column from The Bahamas Weekly.

In it, the author asks the question: "Would you feel differently about your body if you knew its shelf life?"

It's a scary thought, and one that I don't often dwell on. But I also know it's true: A healthy tomorrow isn't a sure thing for any of us.

We can do our best to make good choices about what we eat and how we move. We can try to avoid things that science has proven are bad for us. We can plan and dream and wish and check things off our endless to-do lists, but in the end?

There are simply no guarantees.

Many women have had the experience of seeing an old photograph taken at a time when we were full of insecurity, self-doubt and maybe even self-loathing. I know I have. I remember the feelings vividly, but when I look at the photograph today, those old feelings don't match what I now see in the picture.

I wasn't half-bad. Heck, I dare say I was kind of cute. So what was my problem?

My problem, I think, is that I just didn't stop to look at myself -- really look at myself -- and be mindful of what I saw. Instead of seeing the positive, I only saw what I thought needed improvement. My body was a project with no completion date -- something I worked constantly to improve.

I was never finished.

But someday my life will be finished. And I don't want to regret the time I spent obsessing over what wasn't right.

Think about it: What if you knew the day your body would exist no more? Would you spend the remaining time you had inside a gym, trying to shave an inch or two off your thighs so that you could be happier? Or would you take a walk in the sunshine simply because it felt good? Would you stare into the mirror at the beginning of fine lines around your eyes? Or would you be grateful for another healthy day?

As a person who thrives on setting goals and meeting deadlines, I struggle most with being in the moment. Enjoying what's happening and who I'm with right now, instead of thinking "what do I have to do next?" That drive helps me get a lot done. But there's a lot that I miss, too.

Right now, sunshine is streaming in my office window and my golden retriever is laying on the floor. The sun is illuminating every bit of dog hair on the floor -- trust me, there's a lot -- and I had the fleeting thought that I should get up and get the broom.

But he's on his back and he's snoring really loudly, which has me laughing. And if I make a move for the broom, I know he'll wake up and I'll lose this moment. So I'm going to stay here, in this imperfect dog hair-covered place, and just enjoy.

"Friends Can Be Bad For Your Body Image" at Psychology Today

2010-03-05T06:55:46-08:00

Today, I'm blogging about the fact that friends can be bad for your body image at Psychology Today.

See you back here on Monday with a brand-new post.

That Burning Question: What's For Dinner?

2010-03-03T05:27:04-08:00

A friend of mine was recently lamenting the fact that come dinnertime, she's unable to get a meal on the table that everyone wants to eat. Boy, can I relate.

So many studies have been done on the value of families eating dinner together. But between crazy schedules and picky eaters, pulling the family together for a sit-down meal can seem like an antiquated concept right out of the 1950s.

It's enough to make a mom want to tear her hair out.

But when I see a video like this, I realize how important it is that we never stop trying to model healthy habits for our kids.

The thing is, we have to give ourselves permission to re-define healthy habits from time to time. When things are hectic, it's OK to gather the family for a nice bowl of whole-grain cereal with sliced fruit. It still counts.

In our house, we do try to come together as a family for dinner, even if the hour is later than I'd like sometimes. But that time together is a great way to re-connect, polish our table manners and share a laugh or a kind word about the day's events.

As for the food itself, I try really hard to serve well-rounded choices. I know everybody won't always want to eat everything I make and I try hard to let go of any resentment about that. At every meal, I try to include at least one thing that everybody likes. We've also established the "have to try it" rule. If I make something new, you have to give it a try. You can take one bite and say, "I hate this" and get yourself some cereal. But that one bite has to happen and often, the kids will discover that they actually like a new food.

Sure, dinner requires some pre-planning. That may seem stressful, but I've actually found that thinking about "what's for dinner" in advance lessens my stress level. I shop better, spend less money and generally make healthier choices, too.

There are, of course, those nights when everything falls apart. On those days, I roll with the punches and pull out the cereal. After all, being flexible and resilient in the face of adversity -- even if that adversity is simply trying to get dinner on the table -- is a healthy example, too.

How about you? I'd love to hear your healthy dinner strategies for busy nights and picky eaters.

Another Birthday...What's Your Attitude?

2010-03-01T03:00:00-08:00

It's birthday time in our extended family (six of us have birthdays within a six-week span) and that means -- besides lots of cake -- lots of reflecting on where we've been and where we're going. Inevitably, someone will pull out a photo album and we'll all be amazed at how much the kids have grown and changed in just a few short years.

Photos of the adults show changes, too. But we don't always talk about those.

This morning, I was thinking that I was 17 when my mother was the age I am now. Given that I still feel 16 inside, that's a very strange thought to consider.

Then, I read articles like this one.

Apparently, for women, your 40s are a time to reflect wistfully on what was and to get comfortable with the idea of being invisible.

I'm here to personally dispel that notion.

When I think about aging, I do have a few regrets. First and foremost is that I wish I had been kinder to myself and my body throughout my teens, 20s and 30s. All that angst and pressure to make things -- including my body -- "just right" really served no purpose. Because in the end, things usually work out and if they didn't work out the way I thought I wanted them to, what I got was usually better than what I thought I wanted (extra points to you if you followed all that).

Getting older also means making peace with the choices I've made. At this point, it's a pretty safe bet that I won't be an Olympic figure skater. But that's OK. Narrowing the choices has helped rule out all the extraneous "could haves" and has brought me to the place I am.

It's a pretty good place.

I get asked a lot about how moms can model healthy attitudes toward aging for their daughters. Aging is such a loaded topic -- Botox or not? Go gray or color it? Sensible shoes or stilettos? -- and I think there's a range of positive choices within all those questions. In the end, it's attitude that matters most. When you hear yourself saying things like, "Kids today don't..." or "In my day, we..." or even the dreaded, "It's too late..." I think it's time to re-evaluate your attitude toward getting older.

For me, a positive attitude toward aging means, as always, taking the best care I can of the body I have today -- not engaging in unhealthy behaviors to try to get back to the one I had 20 years ago. But it also means staying open to possibilities. I may have narrowed my choices earlier in life and sure, some doors have closed.

But I like to think about all the doors that haven't even opened yet.

It's Time for Some New Body Talk

2010-02-26T12:28:55-08:00

Today, I'm blogging about the way we talk about our bodies at Psychology Today.

I'll be back here on Monday with a brand-new post.

Happy weekend!

Do Mothers Cause Eating Disorders?

2010-02-24T03:58:26-08:00

That seems to be the question raging in the comments section over at Mia Freedman's MamaMia blog.

My short answer is no, mothers don't "cause" eating disorders. Eating disorders are complex problems with biological, neurological, behavioral and cultural factors at play.

But I can't let moms completely off the hook. A mother's words and actions can certainly fan the flames of eating-disordered behavior. Just look at some of the statistics Mia cites from an article in the U.K. Daily Mail:

Almost four out of 10 girls in a poll of more than 500 teenagers said their mother had the biggest influence on how they perceived themselves.
Two-thirds of those girls heard their mom complaining about her own weight -- yet 68 percent of girls described their mom's weight as "perfectly normal."

Moms -- and how we feel and talk about our own bodies -- matter to girls. There is simply no denying the influence. But influence isn't the same as blame; I'm sure there are many, many mothers who modeled healthy body image and healthy habits, only to end up with a daughter who struggles with an eating disorder.

My goal, always, is to be a place of refuge for my daughter. I want to be that place she goes when she needs to know that she is loved unconditionally, regardless of size, shape or anything she might imagine makes her "flawed" in some way. I want to be the place she goes when she needs to see what a real, albeit "imperfect" body according to media standards, looks like -- and to know that it's possible to live happily in that body. I want to be the direction in which she looks when she wants to see healthy habits like good food and exercise choices, and how to enjoy a hot fudge sundae or a piece of cake without guilt, fear and self-loathing.

But to be that place for her, I must first be that place for myself.

It's a tall order for any human being. As mothers, we face no shortage of guilt about what we're "doing" to our kids or how we're falling down on the job. That -- and the above statistics that Mia cited -- is why we moms have to look hard in the mirror and deal with our own body image issues. Not because we're "causing" eating disorders, but because we have that power to influence. Our girls are looking to us, no matter what and we get to decide what they'll see. Think about that. We get to decide.

What we choose to model is the one thing that we can control. The choice to model healthy habits and a positive body image may be one we need to re-make every day -- maybe even minute by minute -- but it's always ours to make.

Does that mean our daughters will never struggle with eating disorders? No, it doesn't. But an atmosphere of love and acceptance at home may help buoy her against some of the forces that can lead to an eating disorder's development. We can be that safe place for our girls.

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Want to be interviewed for a magazine?

Magazine writer Diana Kapp is seeking women in their 20s and 30s (mothers or not) who want to be interviewed for an article on how disordered eating and body image issues are passed through families, particularly mothers and daughters. If you've got a story you'd like to share, email her at dekapp@mac.com.

When You Think Your Daughter Might Have an Eating Disorder

2010-02-22T03:00:00-08:00

Recently, after I finished giving a talk on how moms can be good body image role models for their daughters, I noticed a woman waiting to approach me. I smiled at her and she walked over. I could see the pain in her eyes when she said, "I don't know if this is something you know about, but..."

She then confided how worried she was about her college-age daughter. Always athletic, her mom said, lately, she's grown thinner and thinner. She's eating less, exercising more and she's obsessed with pinching a small bit of skin on her stomach and saying, "Look. Look at this."

Whenever I write or speak as the author of You'd Be So Pretty If..., I always stress the fact that I'm not an eating disorders expert, nor am I necessarily an expert in how to overcome body image issues -- though I've interviewed many experts and women on the subject, and I've certainly had my own experiences. What I am is an expert at being a mom who spent a lot of time not feeling good about her body and now wants better for her daughter.

Although that woman may have been looking for expert advice, what she found was simply another compassionate mom. She was embarrassed and worried that her daughter's behavior was a reflection on something she'd done as a mother. She was frightened and afraid that she was going to lose her little girl in a downward spiral of body hatred.

I advised her to start by learning about the signs and symptoms of eating disorders, and to get a referral to someone in her area who she could talk to about what her daughter is going through. As moms, we don't want to believe that something as horrific as an eating disorder could happen to the child we've loved and raised.

But it can.

And we worry that it's our fault.

Today marks the beginning of Eating Disorders Awareness Week. This week is designed to call attention to eating disorders and body image issues, and to reduce the stigma surrounding them, according to the National Eating Disorders Association. If you're concerned about the behavior of a woman in your life (or your own), visit the resources section of the National Eating Disorders Association Web site. There, you'll find information, statistics and referrals to someone in your area who can help.

You'll also find stories of hope that remind us all that there is a way out of eating disorders.

You Tell Me: Does a Show of Skin Equal Body Confidence?

2010-02-19T08:22:14-08:00

Today, I'm blogging about whether showing skin equals body confidence at Psychology Today.

See you back here on Monday with a brand-new post.

Eating Lessons: Forget Rules

2010-02-17T03:00:00-08:00

Yesterday, I had an interesting conversation with my daughter about a school project she's working on. Her eighth-grade language arts class has been assigned to write a food memoir. The teacher has asked the students to choose a food that is meaningful to them and write about it, including their associations, feelings and history with the food (the only restriction is that it must be a food that the kids have participated in creating and they must share the recipe with the class).

I think it's a lovely project and it has the potential to be quite educational, too. After all, what better way to teach kids about the emotional power of food and eating than to have them examine those feelings?

We were talking about which food she might choose to write about and she mentioned the homemade frosting that I make for birthday cakes. I've always made the cakes for my kids' birthdays and I use a frosting recipe that my mother used to make when I was a kid. I remember sitting and watching her work, knowing that any leftover frosting would soon be mine to spread on a Ritz cracker.

I can still taste the delightful salty/sweet combo.

When I became the mom and began making the frosting for my own cakes, I introduced my kids to the frosted Ritz cracker -- and thus, a family tradition linked the generations.

Originally, the teacher had wanted the kids to prepare their foods and bring them in for the class to sample. But the overzealous health and wellness policy at my children's school has ruled that out. Apparently, the school thinks that if we don't remove all "inappropriate" foods from the cafeteria and classrooms, our children are doomed to a lifetime of obesity and bad habits.

Sigh.

So much of learning to make healthy choices is recognizing that it's your choice. That's why this post by The Fat Nutritionist really resonated with me. When we take away the choice, we make certain foods forbidden -- and that's not usually a good thing, especially for someone like me, who bristles at any sort of authority figure.

Yes, I let my children eat frosted Ritz crackers. And they usually devour one or maybe even two. But do they reach for a third? Not usually. Because frankly, the first bite or two is the best and then you pretty much start to feel ill.

But if I forbade those frosted crackers? I've seen firsthand what happens to kids who aren't allowed any sort of "bad" foods at home. When they get the chance to partake, they eat...and they eat...and they eat because they're never quite sure that they're going to get another chance.

All things in moderation. And part of learning to moderate is understanding what happens -- and how lousy you feel -- when you go overboard.