Young & Infertile

Friday

2019-02-26T10:02:00.002-05:00

Friday I wake up to cramping again and I call out of work. I search all over for an elective ultrasound spot that would book me for an appointment today. I knew it isn't a diagnostic appointment but regardless I wanted to see my little one and make sure he was okay.

I ended up making an appointment and I got to see my boy all happy and bouncing around. I got some really cool 3D shots of him and a whole video of the ultrasound. I ended up filling the tech in on my history and she was baffled that I would be released given my history and what is currently happening. During the ultrasound she asked if I had a cerclage in place and I said yes. She also stated that she was worried that my cervix shortened even more and that she isn't a nurse or a doctor even but if she were me she would push to be looked after. (She used to work in an MFM office). I told her I agreed.

After the ultrasound she asked if I minded her looking at my cervix I said no, have at it. She got a measurment of 1.4cm abdominally (which I know has a margin of error) so that was okay with me. She was poking around and asked if I were bleeding and I said no, which I wasn't. I thanked her for being so awesome and asked if she had anyone she could refer me to since she had experience in that area. She gave me a number of a place and I left.

Cramping continued off and on throughout the day. I planned a night out with my boyfriend. We were going to have dinner and go to the nearby casino for a few and head home. We had our dinner and as I was walking to the car I felt a little gush. I thought it might have been just a little discharge so I got in the car and we drove the 5 minutes over to the casino. Once I got out of the car I felt my leggings and noticed I had had blood on my hands so we rushed over to L&D again.

I figured wow now I'm being taken seriously. They get me back there ASAP after taking my weight and vitals. I get undressed and given hospital undies and a pad. I was told I couldn't eat or drink anything (luckily I had just has dinner so it wasn't that big of a deal). An hour or two go by and still no doctor to be seen but now I'm gushing blood and this point and I call the nurse in. At this point she goes someone really needs to get down here.

In a matter of 15 minutes it went from zero people in the room except for my boyfriend and I to 5 additional people in this tiny room. I have 2 OBs in the room, 2 Senior Residents and a nurse. They explain they are going to do a speculum exam to check out whats going on. One of the senior residents informs me to avoid have a child with serious health problems they could perform a D&C and terminate my pregnancy (uh no thank you).

So they check out my cervix it is closed and the stitch looks great (as it has been thankfully) they are seeing the bleeding and are really worried about it and aren't sure if its just blood or if my water had broken. They tell me they will perform a bedside ultrasound to see how baby is handling things and how everything else is looking.

Baby is doing great despite the bleeding, the placenta looks great, his fluid is a decent amount it isn't extrememly low but not very high either. They couldn't tell from my ultrasound for certain that the water has broken or not but they can see blood on the ultrasound. I then was told it would be best to admit me and to be monitored. I was also told Saturday morning that I would have a more detailed ultrasound and we would go from there. As of that moment the cerclage stays put and we're just letting the bleed run its course.

Exhausting

2019-02-25T13:36:00.001-05:00

Where do I even begin?
I was released from my MFM to my OB on Monday, February 18th. It wasn't the appointment I hoped for. I brought my daughter along thinking I'd get a final look over meaning checking by ultrasound that placement of the cerclages were good, a final check of the cervical length and to make sure baby's fluids were good where they should be.

What I got was a nurse practitioner asking how I felt, and that I wouldn't be seeing my doctor because he was out on vacation or any doctor because there would be no exam done unless I had a concern. I did, I wanted my discharged checked to make sure all was normal. So the on call doctor came in and she checked my discharge all was normal and my stitches looked good. I expressed my concern about a final ultrasound check and I was refused one so I left pretty angry and hurt due to my history.

Fastforward to Thursday at about 3am I get up to pee with a pretty good soreness in my bladder. I go to work and it doesn't let up I end up cramping off and on all day with no relief after peeing. I leave work a little early to see my OB, at this point the pain really isn't there too much but I keep my appointment. They take my urine, do a speculum exam and tell me that my cervix and stitches look fine and I'm free to leave.

Around 7pm is where the pain hit me again and it's rolling pain come between 3 and 4 minutes apart. I call my OB after hours for the on call OB and get her opinion. I tell her about my symptoms and my visit earlier and she instructs me to go to L&D. They would be able to get a fast turn around on my urine to see if anything is up. I go down and give my urine, after waiting a while the doctor comes in and states there is nothing much they could for my cramping or anything due to me being so early at 22 weeks they wouldn't do anything to help me or save my baby (which is bullshit since the NICU works on 22 weekers). They perform a speculum exam again and all looks good to them. My urine comes back fine and I'm free to go without any explanation or solution.

Wednesday Follow Up

2019-02-11T14:06:00.000-05:00

My follow up appointment on Wednesday wasn't a good one. The ultrasound showed baby with a great heartbeat and being cute as anything. As soon as she inserted the trans-vaginal ultrasound I saw the funneling right away. My cervix shortened from 2.8cm to 2.1cm.

I rememeber saying "Oh, that's not good," while the tech replied "You still have some length left though." That doesn't help when you've already been there and done that.

The doctor came in shortly after I broke down for a second and said "So we will be considering a cerclage, is that right? I replied "Yep." The surgery was scheduled 2 days later (Friday) at 20 weeks 1 day. I quizzed him on everything I have come across, studies and what not.

I brought up what type of stitch he would be doing and if it were possible to go higher than a macdonald, a cerclage pessary combo, double cerclages, administering antibiotics, bedrest. I was shut down by their aren't any studies that have proven this or this works BUT I did get my way with a couple requests.

Surgery day I go in fill out all the paperwork and finally speak with the doctor once again. We agree in antibiotics, and he agreed to place 2 macdonald cerclages but after his "studies this and that and higher risks speel" I was on the fence. he left and came back and asked me if I wanted the two because if I did he would do it for me. I told him I was on the fence still, he then said well if you don't say ONE I will do two. He ended up doing two.

Here I am 3 days POST OP and just like before I'm terrified of everything. I have no idea what cervical length was left at placement. I never got to see baby surgery day but I did hear his heartbeat. I have no idea if there is any less funneling or more. I don't know how high he got the stitches. Maybe it's better not to know?

I will go in tomorrow for my follow up and if things look good in his words I will be released to my OB and continue about my pregnancy, no extra monitoring because they have done all they can for me and the hope is that I remain asymptomatic until delivery.

11 weeks since my last scare (LONG POST)

2019-01-31T08:33:00.001-05:00

The night of January 29th I had some cramping but I ended up sleeping it off. Yesterday, the 30th I had cramping off and on all day. I put an email in that morning to be seen (cervical check) and they couldn't fit me in until 3:00PM.

I worked all day and made it to my appointment. Baby looked great but my cervix measured just about a cm less at 2.8cm when it was 3.7cm just 6 days earlier at my anatomy scan. I was instructed to begin vaginal progesterone suppositories, and to go over to L&D to be monitored. I told them I would be back for the monitoring.

I came back about 6:30PM, still cramping off and on. My OB ended up being the first doctor I saw (whom I still am not very fond of). She gave me a speculum exam and stated my cervix looked long and closed and that it was "very posterior" which I am told is great. Next came the even more painful part...the manual exam. She felt around and pressed so hard because it was hard to reach my cervix (also a good thing I hear). She tried sticking her finger in my cervix and stated I was probably about a centimeter to a centimeter and a half dilated.

I asked about being monitored for my cramping and she said it isn't something they do because it is so early. That they don't usually intervene until 22 weeks at the earliest. While I am aware of this, I was only being asked to be monitored and if in fact I was contracting or that is something they are picking up it could be something they could surely stop.

She said she would consult with my MFM doctor on what he would like to do regarding a possible rescue cerclage and that in the meantime she would have one of the senior residents perform a second exam to see if they felt the same thing. The resident said she agreed about my cervix being really high/very posterior and difficult to get to. She also stated being that the exam was so difficult to perform was a good thing. (Oh so painful though) she said that I might be maybe a half a centimeter dilated.

The resident asked if I was cramping while I was here and I said I was and I don't know why no one is looking into it or monitoring it. She said it might not be picked up because I'm not that far along but we tried it, and I appreciated the effort rather than doing nothing.

The Toco didn't pick up anything and my MFM doctor decided against a cerclage because if I am in fact cramping it wouldn't be a good idea to place it then, which I agree with. So I have my regular scheduled OB appointment on Friday. (I really need to switch my OB) and then my follow up scan on Wednesday which I plan to consult with the doctor at that point and see what the new game plan is.

I've heard things about the pessary so maybe that would be an option as well to avoid the surgical route...Well it is Thursday morning hello 19 weeks.

Anatomy Scan

2019-01-29T13:24:00.000-05:00

I had my anatomy scan last week at 18 weeks on the dot and all was well with baby. He measured ahead and weighed 9oz already! Over half a pound. He was kicking around and keeping his hands near his face. For the 3rd time we verified he is still in fact a boy! THANKFULLY my cervix looked good, it was between 3.6cm and 3.7cm so no changes, which I am happy about! It's crazy to think next Thursday I will be halfway through this pregnancy. I have my follow up ultrasound/cervical check with MFM February 8th. I am counting down the days! In the meantime I have my second OB appointment this Friday. Last time I only saw my OB twice so I wonder what this appointment will be like. Probably urine, weight, and blood pressure I'm assuming. Until next time!

Made an INBETWEEN Appointment

2019-01-21T11:13:00.002-05:00

On Friday, and days before I was feeling a lot of pressure, so Friday morning a made a point to call my MFM's office and see if an ultrasound could be scheduled to make sure my cervix didn't decide to act up. They fit me right in thankfully, they more than anyone knows what can happen in mere days never mind almost two weeks.

I was a nervous wreck, as usual. I went in she checked baby's heart rate abdominal, snapped a cute profile photo for me and went in vaginally to check my cervix. So took quite a few measurements and for the first time she took one with applied pressure. I haven't had that with this pregnancy until that day.

All measurements taken were within the 3cm range. I was also surprised that my largest measurement taken over 4cm with with pressure applied, I'll say it one more time...WITH PRESSURE APPLIED. Usually, from experience with my last pregnancy that is when the cervix will change such as displaying funneling and a shortened cervix, in my case that did not happen, thankfully. The ultrasound tech made a point to say "baby is right there" meaning right on my cervix which is most likely causing all the pressure. His big ole 5oz noggin!

All my measurements ranged between 3.6cm - 4cm+ which in the doctor's eyes meant NO CHANGE from last week. I left SO happy and knew that I would be able to relax over the weekend up until my Level II on Thursday, Jan 25th. Here is to hoping Thursday I will be hearing that baby is growing well and everything looks great. Just 6 weeks and a few days until I surpass my last pregnancy.

Week 17 on Thursday

2019-01-14T11:46:00.000-05:00

I will be heading into my 17th week on Thursday. I am glad I am being checked out every 2 weeks BUT the time in between appointments kills me. At my two week check up last week a BOY was confirmed! Also, my cervix had an average measurement of 3.6cm so it appears I am .2 cm up from the previous measurement, which is completely fine with me.

I had to get an EKG done because the doctor wasn't too fond of my heart rate. It has always been high but they wanted to get me tested to rule out any abnormalities with my heart. I'm still waiting on those results. That test was done on Thursday, Jan 10th so If I haven't heard anything I'm thinking I may be in the clear. I also had an early glucose test done. I PASSED with flying colors. I will probably be retested at 28 weeks the nutritionist informed me. It's so crazy to think that I could make it that far and beyond.

This time last time around shit was already hitting the fan. I was on bedrest with cerclage number 1 already placed. Aside from elevated blood pressure and a higher than average heart rate things are moving fairly well and I couldn't be happier. I just need things to stay this way and all will be well in my world.

My Level II (Anatomy Scan) is scheduled for my 18th week. That means 10 days from today which will include my cervical check. I know things can change in a split second so I'm so paranoid right before my ultrasounds. I don't think I will ever be able to relax until I have my term baby in my arms.

Hello Second Trimester

2018-12-28T13:15:00.001-05:00

I am 14 weeks 2 days today. On Wednesday the day AFTER Christmas after being at work only an hour I felt terrible enough to leave and get into the doctor's office. I was diagnosed with the damn FLU. Being pregnant there really isn't a whole lot of things you can take. Thankfully I can take Tamiflu and Tylenol for the fever. I am actually feeling a bit better today.

I met with my MFM doctor yesterday because that was the deciding factor or whether or not to go through with the cerclage or keep a close eye on things. After the consult we decided to keep an eye on things. I am really hoping that since it has been so long between pregnancies and there is only a singleton this time my cervix will work in my favor.

It measured 3.5cm last week and 3.4cm this week so no huge differences which was a huge relief.
(I think the measurements from the 12 week scan may have been off) So we decided to do another check in 2 weeks and I can only hope for the same outcome. During this appointment the doctor wanted to check out the pathology report on the twins' placentas and they both tested positive for infection. I am now finding this out 7 years later and who knows how the infection got there. Was it because my cervix started to open or did infection cause the opening? Or was it the first cerclage, or the second? I'll never know but that is a scary thing to think about.

This whole flu thing is making me extra nervous for baby but cervix looked find and baby had a good heart rate of 150, also it looks like it might be a little boy! They will verify the gender in 2 weeks when I go back.

AT THE 12 WEEK MARK

2018-12-13T09:27:00.001-05:00

Because I am SUPER paranoid I requested a cervix length check, could you blame me?
That was yesterday at 12 weeks, happy 12 weeks to me! From past ultrasounds at 7 weeks and change, my cervix measused at 4cm for the most part. I know at 12 weeks the baby weighs pretty much nothing and no real change would happen until about 14 weeks on, but even then I wanted some reassurance.

They started the ultrasound abdominally, after a while into that and looking at the baby I asked (since I know abdominally isn't as accurate) for a trans vaginal check and I was quite suprised. There was a whole cm difference between the two. Abdominally I was measuring 5.4cm and trans vaginally I was measuring 6.4cm. 6.4cm!? How the hell? That is such a HIGH measurement. Last time I never even heard a number above 3.5cm. Needless to say I can relax right now.

I literally had the most awesome ultrasound tech. I did not expect all the ultrasound photos or to even see much of the baby, only to check the cervix. She took a bunch of photos and even let me watch baby bounce around for a while, it was too sweet.

I have my MFM appointment next Wednesday, Dec. 19th and I am hoping they will do their own exam and we'll come up with a game plan from there. I LOVE my preemie to death but I AM NOT TEAM PREEMIE this time around.

How was Everyone's Thanksgiving?

2018-12-06T09:30:00.001-05:00

I spent mine in Boston, eating all the foods and enjoyed every minute of it!
Ended up Black Friday shopping, no not at 5AM more like 11 so it wasn't as bad but I was surprised there weren't better sales.

Fast forward to today. I have my NT scan. Last I saw baby (last week) I was measuring 4 days ahead. When I should've been 9 weeks 6 days I was measuring 10 weeks 3 days...so let's see if that's what the trend will be today.

This scan measures the fluid behind the next to make sure baby doesn't appear to have Down Syndrome or any other abnormalities. I'm excited to see baby and how much change there is in a week.

Due to my history I've been thinking A LOT about my cervix and clerclages. I finally have my MFM appointment December 19th so we will definitley be going over that. If we move on it and not go with the "wait and see approach" I want to bring up having a TAC (trans abdominal cerclage) done rather than a TVC (transvaginal cerclage).

From what I've read when you have a TAC you shouldn't have any limitations or be put on bed rest and in my situation would be the best for me. I should be a few days into my 12th week at that appointment so baby should still be small enough to have that done.

My ultimate goal is to avoid another preemie at all costs, I would love nothing more than a healthy term baby.

A Scare

2018-11-13T14:47:00.001-05:00

I had a pretty heavy bleed episode on Sunday about 7:45am. It was on and off for about 8 hours and after passing a huge clot when I went to the bathroom, while out bowling with the kiddo I decided to get checked out at the pregnant lady ER. They did a pelvic exam and at the point (I went there at like 6pm)she said the bleeding is slowing and that my cervix was still closed. An ultrasound was offered and then taken back since I had an ultrasound this past Friday but I made a point to bring up my last pregnancy (which the midwife read through my history) and she I know you requested to have one and said how is that little miracle?

Little things like reading my history before coming into the room and assuming is great bedside manner. I appreciate her not being in such a rush with me and taking the time to listen to my wants and needs.

I started this pregnancy outside of the hospital I plan on delivering in (which is the one I went to for the ER) to get everything started and then transfer back to them. She even brought up seeing if I would be a candidate for a cerclage (which duh, or I will throw a fit) when I am transferred over and seeing if I need to be seen at Maternal Fetal Medicine so she has really done her homework.

I followed up with the outside doctor and was able to get an ultrasound today to check on the little, and all looked normal, thank god! 7 weeks and 4 days today.

7 weeks 1 day

2018-11-09T14:44:00.000-05:00

Today was my "actual" repeat ultrasound at my doctor's office this morning. The tech said everything looked great and the baby measured an extra day than I thought I was at so that is a plus. It's crazy how much change there is in one week. Heart rate was at 140bmp so I was happy to see things looked good. Now I wait to hear from the doctor which I'm assuming won't be until Monday to see where we go from here and when I can move on to a MFM doctor where I would be more comfortable with.

6 Weeks November 2nd

2018-11-05T14:38:00.002-05:00

On Friday I made the drive to get that free ultrasound and I am so glad I did. Not only was baby slightly visible on the abdominal ultrasound but could be fully seen using the vaginal ultrasound as well as a heart rate reading of 123 bpm. Baby measured at 6 weeks on the dot, so by the time my OB's dating ultrasound comes, November 9th I will be 7 weeks along.

I just can't believe after all this time, now is when the universe decided to bring this little life, into my life.

What's This?

2018-11-01T15:00:00.001-04:00

I'll be posting more now that a surprise has just made an appearance in my life.
Can you guess what it is? October 24th, just TWO days before my birthday I found out I'm pregnant. The "pregnant line" was darker than the "test line"...talk about nerve wracking. October 29th I had an ultrasound dating me at 6 weeks on the dot based off the size of the gestational sac and yolk sac because no fetal pole could be seen yet. (Too early? Maybe)

The earliest ultrasound I have of the twins was at 6 weeks 5 days so I'll hold out some hope. My next ultrasound isn't scheduled until November 9th and because I'm going crazy wondering what if, I made an appointment for a free ultrasound elsewhere tomorrow morning. That will put me at 6 weeks 4 days and I am hoping baby and a great heart rate will be seen!

If you know my story or have read through previous posts you know my journey to get pregnant was NEVER easy. Countless infertility treatments and heartache. So 7 years later here I am trying to be optimistic but because of my history, cautiously optimistic.

2018-04-25T11:19:00.000-04:00

My little 1 lb 4oz 23/3 day micro preemie will be 7 in August. I cannot take it.
She will be going into the 2nd grade this year and time is flying by like nothing.
I turned 30 this past year, Yikes! So many changes in the past few years.
She is still getting services through her school, such as occupational therapy,
physical therapy and speech. She has made TONS of progress and I am so proud.

In the beginning you really have no idea what to expect. I honestly didn't. I didn't know
if I would ever be able to have a conversation with my child, would she understand?
Would she even be able to feed her self, walk, go to school or make friends?

The answer to that is you never will know those answers but with time things change.

I know I always mention I want to keep this blog up every time I post, but I do!
I still want to be there for those going through what I did and those who may have
questions. So PLEASE feel free to reach out, be active on my posts, I will answer!

I'm back!

2017-07-23T08:01:00.001-04:00

It's kind of funny...almost a year to the day I last posted.
Madison will be 6 in August! Can any of you believe it!?
She will be starting first grade in a fall and made it through kindergarten no problem!

This time of year always brings joy and sadness. I always think about what life would be like with Dexter, but on a more positive note my surviving twin 23 week and 3 day-er is doing great!
I just joined a Micro Preemies group on facebook and I can only say that I am so blessed with Madison. There has been mention of PTSD after having a micro preemie and even 6 years later I honestly can't watch videos of other micro preemies in the NICU without it bringing me back to that time and giving me anxiety.

Life gets in the Way

2016-07-24T07:46:00.000-04:00

Sorry to my followers I really should make a point to post more often. Here are a few updates over the past almost year.

Madison has graduated from pre-school after attending for 2 years, since she was 3 (early intervention recomended). So glad they did by the way she has made so much progress it is unbelieveable!

Now at almost 5, can you believe it my baby is going to be 5 next month! She is almost FULLY potty trained only pull ups for bedtime and they are for the most part DRY in the mornings!

I have kept my first job since taking the voluntary leave in 2011 for a year and switched to a job making 5 dollars more an hour, I've been there 3 months now.

Next week my bf of close to 2 years and I are moving into a place together. I honestly would have never thought this is where I would be at separating from my ex husband, but hey life continues and you move on and things change and I welcome change.

Turning Over a New Leaf

2015-09-27T10:06:00.003-04:00

         Hello hello! Last I posed Madison was about 2 1/2. Well she just had her birthday in August and she a now a 4 year old. F-O-U-R can you believe it!? I can't believe it. Some of you have been with me through this journey from the start and I appreciate all your support. Lets see...where do I begin? I am now divorced and it will be a year Oct. 28th yay! I have now been with my current boyfriend for over a year, it goes by way too quick! Madison is now in her LAST year of preschool and she will be an official kindergartener this September! SO CRAZY!.

      I went back to work this past March after almost 3 years and was given a Full-time position this past August and I officially got my first EVER brand new car ON MY OWN this past Monday. Things are really looking up and I couldn't be more excited.

     I've also started another journey. I've found a company called Le-Vel. It is a wellness program designed to help in everyday life, to give you balance, more energy, adequate sleep and so much more! Want to know more? Sign up for a FREE account here ThriveCecelia.Le-Vel.com  and always stay informed! You can also reach me here by email: ThriveCecelia earn FREE PRODUCTS for yourself by signing up for a FREE PROMOTOR account and getting others to sign up as well all you need is two people under yourself to receive auto-ship products.

     I'm glad I decided to come back and post, it seems there are still people out there looking at my blog and reading about my experiences and I'm glad I could share and give others hope. Here are two current photos of my mini and I. Enjoy!

Somewhat of an update

2014-03-30T10:07:00.003-04:00

Well hello my loyal followers. It has been forever once again, but I'm keeping up periodic check-ins. Madison is now a little over 2 1/2, and that's crazy. We've been trying play groups with her through EI and the first one didn't work out. That one was where we'd drop her off and leave. We are now trying one where I stay with her. She's been there twice now. The first visit didn't go so well but the last one was pretty good...I think it is because we got there before anyone else so she settled in before all the commotion.

EI pushing for preschool and I'm on board I'm just really nervous because she has issues adjusting and no one really knows about her. How to settle her down or just deal with her in general. She's pretty sensitive.

As for my life I'm in my second semester of college and there's only a few weeks left until summer vacation. I can't wait! There really wasn't a spring break seeing as I had work to do all through it. Trying to get this divorce started,over and done with ASAP. ANDD I think that's about it. I'm going to the gym almost daily. 5 - 6 days a week...that's just kind of what I do haha. I've lost 47lbs since starting in November and still working on a bunch more haha.

An updated photo of the babes and I <3

Glasses

2013-12-02T14:16:00.000-05:00

Madison now has glasses and is considered legally blind without them. It came as somewhat of a surprise since she's done so well without glasses. I knew her eyes were bad but not legally blind bad. It's a struggle keeping them on her face but with time we'll get there. She's doing good, saying more moving around.

New Beginnings

2013-10-05T23:04:00.003-04:00

Madison is too old and too wise for my liking. Such a cleaver girl. So smart it's ridiculous! She's walking way more than she is crawling. She is so silly and just the biggest love of my life and can be the biggest pain in my butt but a pain I would never change. She is just the sweetest and I wish I could have her innocence.

As for what I'm up to I'm still in school and determined to pass all my classes. I can't wait until next semester I'm already wanting to change my classes! I am having the hardest time with math..any suggestions? I'm still doing a little modeling...movie extra stuff when I have the time which I absolutely LOVE! I finally filed for divorce officially so now I'm just kind of waiting on his response.

Now that I think about IVF and everything "we" went through to have these child(ren) it saddens me how selfish someone can be. I still have these frozen embryos I'm supposed to be paying on but haven't, that I will most likely never use because all my eggs were fertilized with a man's sperm I'm no longer with. I'm not sure I'll ever get the chance to have another child without going through IVF I just wish I would've spared some eggs and froze them but who would've known I'd actually get the nerve up to kick him out of my life..

...On a happier not I have been the happiest I've been in a long time. So I leave you all with a little shot of us :)

This was either from August or September.

It's official

2013-08-30T22:45:00.001-04:00

I am a college student! Just logged into my online classes for the first time. I'm taking one class twice a week, another on a Saturday and two online. I'm finally working towards something and I couldn't be more proud of myself :D

Moving on

2013-08-21T10:33:00.001-04:00

I apologize for not posting in about three months I've just been doing a lot of things all at once. Life has been getting better. The husband and I are still apart and plan to stay that way...I will be filing for divorce.

I am officially enrolled in school, I have a car and with my couple nights I get off a week I'm actually doing things for myself. I'm getting back into modeling a bit and just doing awesome stuff. I've met up with a few friends from elementary school and it was so great seeing them and catching up. I've been on a few dates but nothing really came of anything and I don't want to be tired down just yet.

*I did see your comment asking how Madison was a couple months back but forgot to respond I am sorry*

Friday, August 16th we celebrated Dexter and Sunday, August 18th we had Madison's birthday party. Monday, August 19th was her actual birthday and this child is TWO! Can you believe it!? So to answer your questions Madison is doing GREAT, she is just go go go all the time, shes starting to walk more without support, crawling up stairs and will walk up normally with her hand(s) being held.

I was going through photos months ago of her and photos of her now and it's just crazy how much she has grown! I honestly have maybe 5 photos total of her and her father...it's just sad. He came to her Birthday late for about 20 minutes. I had to ask him to sit next to her so I can take a pic. He pretty much ran out of the door with his mother and grandmother. He didn't watch her open presents, or even eat any cake. She screams when either of them hold her...I just feel bad.

They expect me to always be on them to see her and that's not something I want to do..I figure they want to see her they will be in touch...and they aren't. Her dad completely ignores me and well I guess that's how it will be.

Here are some pictures for your viewing enjoyment!

MY FAVORITE! Taken Aug 18th

ME :)
Artistic Director: Jennifer Evie
Photographer: James DeMello
Dress: Gifts to Give/ Project Cinderella

Life

2013-03-26T23:02:00.001-04:00

Life now is well lonely but somewhat less stressful. I'm just worried about Madison and little things like getting a car and paying bills. I don't have too many but the cellphone and cable bill add up. Madison hasn't been taking a second nap these past few days or have been sleeping through the night for a few months now. It is taking it's toll on me but eh a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do.

Madison has 8 teeth now but I think more are making their way in. She gets cuter and cuter. Here are some recent photos for your viewing pleasure :) I better try and get to bed before she wakes up. Good night all! I may get back to posting somewhat regularly for now on.

Playing with her plastic Easter Eggs.

Changes

2013-03-14T15:24:00.003-04:00

A lot has happened since my last post. My parents and I moved into a bigger place and my husband and I split about two months ago now, leaving me without a car. I have a donations page here: http://www.gofundme.com/help-us-get-a-car to help Madison and I with a car.

Madison is doing well she is 18 months now, 14 adjusted. She is standing and cruises but has yet to take her first steps on her own and I'm okay with that. I'm so not looking forward to running after her just yet. She is obsessed with standing at the TV. Shes pointing and clapping its so great seeing her grow and learn new things. We did the Radiothon again this year, which was fun.